PAST-O-RAMA

[vonboy]

I have used that general line of "In some foliage" a LOT in my series. Looks like another reason to be editing a bunch of episodes lol.

I'll take out the part about Bron being the son of Littlefoot's Grandparents. I've already done that in a couple episodes in the first season, so I'll have to edit that out too.

About that line from the Professor, I was kind of having the idea early on of him thinking of other animals as stupid or mindless at first, since he was a human that came from a society where humans are considered dominant over everything else. I wanted him to still have that prejudice for a little while in the series. I'll rethink that line.

I could probably change the Gang's reactions to the dead longneck. Except for Chomper of course. I could probably get a little extra bit of humor out of that somehow.

About Redclaw, yeah. I decided since Chomper called him the "Biggest, Meanest Sharptooth he ever saw!" I'd have to make him live up to that name a little more. He was a real pushover in the TV series.

I think I'll jsut re-edit or revamp the first season after I finish with the second season. I don't really have extra time at the moment to work on it.

Could I ask you to review an episode from the second season next? I'd like to see how you think my writing has changed, if at all.

I really appreciate it Pangaea! And don't be so hard on yourself all the time! You do a lot for the GoF, and I always see you setting too high of standards for yourself. It is great that you want to help out all the time, but you should think of yourself sometimes too, like how The Friendly Sharptooth put it.

I just felt like I had to say that

[Pterano]

Episode 4 - Return to Saurus Rock

Scene: The Watering Hole in the Great Valley.

Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Spike, Chomper, and Ruby are playing in the water. The professor is to the side looking at them.

Ducky: "Come on in, Professor, the water is nice and cool, it is."

Professor: "Oh, I suppose some swimming could be fun. Just give me a second."

The Professor pulls his shirt off. Everyone in the water gasps. Ducky screams.

Professor: "What? I don't look that bad, do I?

Littlefoot: "Whats going on? Are you ripping your skin off?"

The Professor stared at the dinosaurs in the water, when he realizes that they must have no idea what cloths are, and what they must be thinking is going on.

Professor: "No, this isn't my skin. It's called cloths. It's a thing my kind cover ourselves with to protect us from the elements."

Cera: "That's weird."

Ruby: "I've never even heard of cloths before. Where did you say you came from again?"

Professor: "Like I've said, somewhere very far away. You've probably never even been there before."

Littlefoot: "That is not good enough. Where is this place?"

Professor: "Um..." He has to think for a few moments before giving a response. "From some land across the ocean."

Cera: "You mean big water?"

Professor: "Yes, big water. My people call it the ocean. A huge body of water that takes many days to cross."

Chomper: "Did you ever go to the island that my parents were at?"

Professor: "Uh, no." He didn't want to have to answer too many questions, so he changes the subject. "But enough about me, Lets see what we can play." He takes a plunge into the water.

Ducky: "Are you a good swimmer?"

Professor: "I'm ok at it. Probably not as good at it as you are, Ducky."

Chomper: "How about we play swimmer splasher? I can be the swimmer."

Professor: "Whats that game?"

Littlefoot: "Um, The swimmer closes his eyes and say "Swimmer!". everyone else says "Splasher!" and the swimmer tries to find them and splash them."

Professor: "Hm, that sounds like Marco-Polo."

Chomper: "Well, lets go." He closes his eyes. "Swimmer!"

everyone plays the game. Chomper has no problem finding everyone and splashing them.

Ducky: "That was over fast, it was."

Cera: "It's always over fast when Chomper is the swimmer. He just uses his sniffer to find everyone!"

Chomper: "Yeah, that is what I'm good at!"

Everyone laughs.

Ducky: "Well, I was the last one to get splashed. I guess that makes me the swimmer."

Littlefoot: "Here she comes!"

Bron comes walking up to the group in the water.

Bron: "Littlefoot, what are you doing?"

Littlefoot: with a confused look on his face. "Um, Playing with my friends."

Bron: "Don't you remember? We were going to spend the day together today."

Littlefoot: "Oh, I forgot about that."

Bron: "Well, come along now. You can play with your friends later."

Littlefoot: "Ok." Looking back at his friends. "See you all later."

Cera: "See you Littlefoot."

Spike walks out of the water. His stomach is growling.

Ducky: "I think Spike is hungry again. I am too."

Chomper: "Me three."

Professor: "I could use some treesweets."

Cera: "Well, I'm not hungry. Ruby, you want to play something?"

Ruby: "Sure, I'm sure we can think of something to play."

Ruby and Cera get out of the water, and walks over in a different direction.

Scene: The edge of the Great valley, on one of the cliffs.

Two Flying Sharpteeth are sitting on the ledge. One of the flyers roars at the other, and They both take off and fly into the Great Valley.

Scene: Near the longneck nest.

Bron and Littlefoot are walking walk over to the nest.

Bron: "So, how have you been?"

Littlefoot: "Ok I guess."

Bron: "But, didn't you have another scary sleep story last night? The same one you've been having?"

Littlefoot: "Well, Yeah, but I'm not letting it get to me."

Bron and Littlefoot makes it to the Longneck nest.Grandma Longneck is at the nest.

Grandma Longneck: "Well, maybe you need to let it get to you a little."

Littlefoot: "Grandma?"

Grandma longneck: "Yes, Bron wanted me to talk to you too."

Bron: "Grandma is right. If you want to stop having those sleep stories, you have to confront them. You have to grieve."

Grandma longneck: "That is why we are going to take a trip to Saurus Rock."

Littlefoot: "Isn't that the good luck rock overlooking the Great Valley and keeping us safe?"

Bron: "Well, yes. But it's for more than that, little one."

---------------------------<Commercial break>---------------------------------

Scene: A forest in the Great Valley.

The Professor, Ducky, Chomper, and Spike looking for something to eat.

Chomper: "There has got to be something around here to eat."

Ducky: "Do not look at me, Chomper!"

Professor: Walking over to a tree with hard spiky treesweets on it. "That should work."

Ducky: "What do you mean? Those are too hard and spiky to eat."

Chomper: "And I can't eat those anyway."

Professor: "I know how to eat them." He climbs up the tree, and knocks a few down.

Chomper: One of the treesweets hit him in the face. "Ow! Hey, watch where your dropping those!"

Professor: "Your a sharptooth, you can take it." He climbs back down the tree and grabs one of the treesweets, and pulls a knife out of his pocket."Now, the outside of this thing may be tough, but just look at whats inside." he cuts a big hole in the top of the fruit, and shows it around.

Ducky: "Oh, there is some kind of white water in it."

Professor: "Yeah, it's a lot like a treesweet my kind calls a coconut." He takes a drink out of it, and passes it to Ducky.

Ducky: Taking a sip. "MMM, this is good!" She holds it so Spike can take a sip.

Spike: takes a sip, and shows how much he likes it. "Yeah-uh!"

Professor: "Actually Chomper, you take a sip too, I think you can."

Chomper: "What?"

Professor: "Come on, you can try it." He passes it to Chomper.

Chomper: "This isn't a trick, is it?"

Professor: "Just try it!"

Chomepr: He eyes the Professor, then takes a little sip. He smacks his lips some, then goes back for a bigger gulp. "Wow, this isn't so bad! I didn't know there were any treesweets that didn't taste awful!"

Professor: "Yes, It has a lot of protein in it."

Ducky: "Whats that?"

Professor: "It's something that meat-eaters need to be healthy. It's found in meat."

Ducky: "What? Did I just drink..."

Professor: "no no no. It's just this treesweet happens to have protein as well."

Chomper: "So I don't have to eat meat?"

Professor: "Well, I'd still think you'd have to eat some meat, but there's other things you can eat along with it."

Chomper: "Wow, I never knew that." He gets a suspicious look on his face. "Now how do you know this? I thought you weren't a meat-eater!"

Professor: "Um, well, I'm a farwalker. I've learned a lot on my travels."

Ducky: "That makes sense, it does."

Chomper: "Well, I wish I had something else to eat.'

Sharptooth roars are heard from the sky.

Ducky: Shivering. "What was that?"

Chomper: "Whatever it is, it sounds hungry too."

Professor: "That's not something I wanted to hear!"

Spike backs up, then starts running off.

Ducky: "What is it Spike?"

One of the Flying Sharpteeth swoops down at Ducky.

Chomper: "Watch out Ducky!" He takes a dive in front of Ducky, and the Flyers talons slash at his side.

Spike Runs to Chomper to see if he is ok.

Ducky: "Are you alright?"

Chomper: "It kind of stings, but I'm ok"

Professor: "I think we should run!"

Ducky: "Good idea."

The group starts running towards a forest, with the Flying Sharpteeth in close pursuit.

Scene: The base of Saurus Rock.

Littlefoot, Bron, and Grandma longneck are walking up to it.

Littlefoot: "So, why are we here?"

Grandma longneck: "There is a legend that the passed can be seen from the top of the great rock."

Bron: "I remember the stories you told me when I was young, mom. You said that you can talk to loved ones from this very rock."

Littlefoot: "Really?"

Grandma longneck: "Of course. I went up there once, a long time ago, to speak with someone."

Bron: "Well, it's time. Littlefoot. Climb to the top of the rock, and keep your mind open."

Littlefoot: "Ok, dad." He starts to climb up, but looks back at the other two. "Are you sure this will work?"

Bron: "Grandma just told you, she did the same thing!"

Grandma longneck: "You'll never know until you try."

Littlefoot: Taking a gulp. "Well, if you say so." He continues up the face of Saurus Rock.

Scene: A grassy field close to the Watering Hole."

Ruby and Cera are sitting on a rock in the field.

Cera: "It is kind of boring, just the two of us playing."

Ruby: "I guess you don't realize how much you miss friends until you miss them."

Cera: "Oh well. Just relaxing here on this sunny rock has been nice."

Ruby: "Some adventuring would be nice though."

Sharptooth roars are heard.

Ruby: "What was that?"

Cera: "I'm sure it's nothing. Just Chomper getting mad at Littlefoot again or someth..."

One of the Flying Sharpteeth swoops down and snatches Cera before she can finish her sentence.

Ruby: "Cera!"

-----------------------------<Commercial break>-------------------------------

The Flying Sharptooth tries flying off with Cera. Cera is too heavy though, and the Flyer struggles to keep any height in the air. Cera is struggling to get free. She scrapes the flyers leg with her front horn. The flyer is not paying attention while it tries to make Cera stop. The Flyer doesn't' notice the cliff right in front of him, and he crashes into it. Both of them fall onto the ground. The flyer is momentarily dazed.

Ducky, Spike, Chomper and the Professor come running in on the scene.

Ducky: "Cera, Are you ok!?"

Cera: "uuuh, that hurt."

Ruby: Running over to Cera and everyone else. "Whats wrong?"

Cera: "I don't know, I just don't feel so well."

Professor: "Did you hurt the cliff?"

Cera: Tries to get up and charge at the Professor, but trips and doesn't get up. "uuh, I'll get you later."

The Sharptoothed flyer recovers and takes a bite at the Professor. It almost connects, and the Professor has a sizable wound across his arm.

Professor: "Oh gosh!"

Chomper takes a bite at the Flyer, but gets pushed away when the flyer swats him with his wing. The flyer scratches Ducky with his talons, and she falls down injured as well.

Professor: "Can this get any worse?"

The other Flyer takes a dive at the group. They jump out of the way, and the flying flyer crashes into the one on the ground. They both take off into the air after the group. The professor is holding Ducky in his good arm, and Ruby is dragging Cera along with her.

Chomper: "I'm getting sick and tired of this!" He turns around and roars at the flyers in Sharptooth. <Come on, get me you big bully! I dare you!"

The rest of the gang hear Chomper roaring, and turn around to see whats going on. One of the flying Sharpteeth takes a dive at Chomper. At the last second, Chomper jumps up and bites down hard on the flyers neck. Both the flyer and Chomper tumble on the ground, and the gang run over to see whats going on.

Ruby: "Chomper!"

The other flyer in the air looks down, lets out a sort of low roar, and flies off.

Scene: the top of Saurus Rock.

Littfoot clears the top of the rock. He walks to the center of the rock.

Littlefoot: "Ok, now what?"

He paces around the rock some, and then kicks a pebble off the top of the rock. He looks over the edge to watch it hit the bottom.

Littlefoot: "I'm still waiting."

Littlefoot looks up in the air and sees a cloud in the shape of a longneck.

Littlefoot: "Huh."

The cloud flies across the sky, then disappears into the distance.

???: "...Littlefoot."

Littlefoot turns around.

Littlefoot: "Wh...who is it?"

???: "...Littlefoot, come here."

Littlefoot walks towards the camera. You can't see what he is walking towards.

Scene: The great Valley.

Cera walks into view. She falls on the ground in pain.

Cera: "Oh, it hurts!"

Ducky, Spike and Ruby come into view. Spike walks over to eat some greens. Ruby sits down on the ground. She has Ducky in her arms.

Ducky: "That was bad. Why did those Flyers come over here anyway?"

Ruby: "I don't know Ducky. I thought Sharpteeth stayed out of the Great Valley."

The Professor walks into view. Part of his shirt is ripped off and wrapped around his injured arm.

Professor: "I thought you said this Valley was safe!"

Chomper waddles into view. He is shifting his weight from foot to foot and waddling like a penguin. His Stomach is bulged out. he sits down on a rock.

Chomper: "uh, can't take one more...bite"

Littlefoot walks into view.

Littlefoot: "Wow, That was amazing. I got to talk to Grandpa Longneck again. I never thought I'd get to talk to him again. Such a long day. It was so nerve racking. I'm ready to go to sleep now everyone." He takes a look at the whole gang.

The gang just moans back at him.

Littlefoot: "Wow, What happened to all of you?"

END

OK so episode four had some good aspects for me, but it was also a little strange, but I'll go into that after the clean up, which is as follows:

First off, remember to stay in present or past tense if that's what you're writing in. You jumped around a few times in the beginning. After the Professor removed his shirt, he "stared" at the dinosaurs, so that implies past tense, but then right after you put he "realizes" so it should be "realized" in keeping with past tense.

A little further on, when the Professor does not want to answer, get rid of "to have" as it's not necessary and makes the statement a little redundant. Just have it be "He didn't want to answer too many questions".

When Littlefoot is explaining the rules of the game swimmer and splasher, he should say "The swimmer closes his eyes and says" not say. The swimmer "says" splasher. Good take on that game though.  

Instead of just glossing over the fact that Chomper has no trouble finding them, try to spice that up a little. It's dull and very rapid. Try to say "Chomper swiftly picks them off one by one, in what seems like an effortless manner for him" or something like that. It just sounds so much better than "Chomper has no problem finding everyone and splashing them" as there's really no action or sense of action in there.

Remember to capitalize words at beginning of sentences. "Everyone plays the game." Not "everyone plays" etc.

When Spike's stomach growls, just say that. "His stomach growls." You don't need "is growling." It's just too wordy. "His stomach growls" puts more emphasis on it.

When Ruby and Cera walk off, it's "walk over in a different direction." And I'd even change "over" to "off". Remember the plural/singular rule? Ruby walks, Cera walks, but Ruby and Cera together walk.

You capitalize Grandma Longneck, but then don't capitalize longneck a few lines down. Since it's her proper name (as she isn't given any other), it should be Grandma Longneck, both words capitalized. Just explaining the species can remain as lowercase.

At the start of the scene right after the first commercial break, the gang "are looking" for something to eat. You left out the "are" in there.

When the treesweet hits Chomper in the face... "hits" and not "hit". It hits him in the face.

Remember "You're a sharptooth", and "watch where "you're" dropping those". You're is a contraction of you and are. "You are a sharptooth". "You are dropping those". But once again, you're really good with these in your later episodes.

OK... you need apostrophes after your "whats". It's what and is. "What's". Contraction here.

I don't know if the Professor should cut a "big" hole in it. "Hole" would do fine, but if you really need to denote size, I'd go with "large" here as "big" is sort of plain.

When Spike takes a sip and "shows how much he likes it", once again, this is a little dull, and can be flavored up a little. "His face brightens up upon taking a sip" or something like that. Try to show and not tell your audience what is going on. If you just outright state it, it can tend to sound a little flat.

When the flyers grab Cera, the flyer owns its talon, so it's "flyer's talon" and not "flyers talon". It belongs to the flyer, so hence needs apostrophe S.

When Grandma Longneck is talking about legends, it's "a legend that the past" not "passed". Passed is past tense of pass, but past is the period of time before the present.

Once again, "flyer's leg" not "flyers leg" as the flyer owns the leg, it's his, so apostrophe S.

Right after the second commercial break you have an apostrophe after doesn't, so it looks like "doesn't'". You don't need that second apostrophe.

For when the flyer and Cera crash, I'd say "Both of them fall to the ground" rather than "onto the ground". It just sounds better.

Now for when the flyer bites the Professor and it "almost connects" yet it still wounds him? I'd say that the blow connects. That just seemed a little choppy, as how can it "almost" connect yet still inflict a "sizable" wound as you described? So I'd reword that a little so it doesn't contradict itself.

When Chomper tries to distract them, remember to end his speech with ">" if that's what you're using.

When the other flyer looks down and "lets out a sort of low roar" just eliminate "sort of". He doesn't sort of roar, he "lets out a low roar". Forceful! Remember it's action. No adverbs.

Toward the end, when Littlefoot mentions his talk he had with his grandfather, he says "again" twice. It sounds repetitive, so I'd say: "I got to talk to Grandpa Longneck. I never thought I'd get to talk to him again." Keep the second again, but dispose of the first.

"The gang just moans" I'd drop the adverb "just" here and make it "The gang moan back at him" in addition to dropping the S at the end of moans. Gang is plural, so they moan.

OK... that's it for grammar and punctuation. Here are my thoughts. This chapter was just a little confusing for me. It had good action, and definitely good comedy, but the flyers showing up to attack didn't seem to serve much of a purpose. It just seemed a little random to me, and I know that sharpteeth attacks ARE random, but when writing for a story, generally at least, getting attacked has some point to it. Either it went over my head or it just wasn't conveyed strongly enough here. It just seemed like filler to give the gang something to do while Littlefoot communed with his grandfather. I dunno. Maybe it's just me, but it really didn't have much of an impact for me as a reader. The Bron/Littlefoot/Grandma Longneck was definitely the dominant story arc here, and it had both a purpose and left the reader with a sense of accomplishment. The flyer attack just seemed... well random, as I said, and more like filler.

I DID however like the humor. You had some good lines in here, such as the gang screaming out when the Professor removes his shirt, or Chomper coming back with a full belly after what we presume is finishing off one of the flyers.

I enjoyed Chomper's liking of the treesweet juice, as he found something new and had protein explained to him.

I think that aside from the gems in this chapter (I really liked the Bron/Littlefoot/Grandma Longneck arc, as it was very personal and had a sort of "sacred" sense to it), this chapter was just... sort of lacking direction for me. I wasn't really sure what you were trying to do with the flyer attack aside from provide some action for the gang and give them something to do while Littlefoot went on his mission. I think I would have liked to see some more focus, but overall, I most certainly didn't hate it, nor was it boring. You did keep the pacing good, and kept me reading, though I came away from the read scratching my head just a little.

Sorry! Hope it wasn't too negative.

[vonboy]

It's ok being so negative with this one, I kind of expected it lol. I remember when I wrote that one, I didn't have any ideas really. I figured I needed another episode before the 5th one (Which I really liked writing), so you got this.

One thing was the whole episode was supposed to be a joke in a way. I originally wanted two different plots going on, which suddenly finished, and in the last scene you'd see the aftermath of both of them. I didn't explain if/how Littlefoot talked to his grandfather, and I didn't explain about Chomper's lunch :b. I kind of wanted the reader to guess them self as to what happened.

And I actually expected more of a...response from Chomper apparently eating a dinosaur in the Great Valley. I thought readers would think things like "Did the gang know he did that?" "Did they WANT him to do that?" "Was Chomper acting so angry that They just let him do it, because they didn't want to get in his way?" "What if the grownups found out?" I guess I was wrong

I think if Pangaea reviews this one, he'll TEAR it apart

I hope you like the 5th one a lot better. I really liked writing that episode.

[trulyfantasticme]

Nice episode, my friend. I'm not much of a screenwriter. But you're pretty good at it. So keep it up, young one.  

[Pterano]

Episode 5 - A Sharptooth in Need

Scene: The great valley, in the morning.

Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Spike, Petrie, Ruby, Chomper and the professor are having a race.

Professor: Breathing very heavily, then tripping and falling over. "Gah! I was never good at this!"

Chomper: Cuts ahead of everyone else. "Ha, I'm winning!"

Petrie: Flies over Chomper's head, "Not anymore you not!" He makes it to the tree at the finish line. "Me Win!"

Littlefoot: Running up. "Good race, everyone!"

Cera: "I'll win next time!"

A flying Sharptooth comes flying in from across the cliff at the edge of the Great Valley.

Ducky: "Oh no, The flying sharptooth is back!"

Chomper: "No wait, this is a different one. I know him." He walks up ahead of the rest of the gang.

The sharptoothed flyer lands in front of Chomper and the Gang. He licks his lips at the Flatteeth, but doesn't move. He starts talking to Chomper in the Sharptooth language. Chomper talks back, and they have a conversation.

Petrie: "What they talking about?"

Professor: "Probably which one of us he wants first."

Cera: "I hope not!"

The Flyer says something to Chomper, and Chomper gets a look of surprise on his face.

Chomper: "No, NO! It can't be!"

The flyer takes off, and leaves the Great Valley.

Littlefoot: Walks up to the side of Chomper. "Whats wrong, Chomper."

Chomper: "It's my mommy. She is really sick. My dad thinks she is dying!"

Cera: Gasps. "That's awful!"

Chomper: "We have to go help her!"

Professor: "Well, I'm not going."

Ducky: "You need to go, you do!"

Ruby: "Ducky is right. Your a farwalker. You know a lot of things. You could help her using the things that you know."

Chomper: "Please. Help her Professor."

Littlefoot: Pushes on the Professor's back with his head. "Come on, you have to!"

Professor: "Oh, I suppose I'll go."

Chomper: Smiles. "Thank you! Thank you so much Professor!"

Ducky: "Lets all go. I want to see Chomper's parents again!"

Ruby: "And we'd be safer if we had friends with us."

Professor: "WHAT!?"

Scene: The Mysterious Beyond. It's fairly foggy.

The whole Gang is walking through the fog in search of Comper parents.

Chomper: "They have to be here somewhere."

Professor: "I don't know why you flatteeth wanted to come along. Aren't those big Sharpteeth just going to eat you?

Littlefoot: "Oh, they wouldn't eat us. We're Chomper's friends."

Professor: "I still don't believe it."

Chomper: "We'll, when me and my parents were on that island, my friends got stuck on it one time. Littlefoot saved my life, And my parents said that they would all be safe with them."

Professor: "Really?"

Chomper: "Yeah. It's all true."

Petrie: "So we going back to island?"

Chomper: "No, they don't live there anymore. They live deep in the Mysterious Beyond now.

Littlefoot: "What happened?"

Chomper: "We had to leave. We were running out of food."

Cera: "He means WE left!"

Littlefoot stares angrily at Cera.

Chomper: "Elsie helped us get across the Big Water. It wasn't easy, since both my paretns are pretty big, but we managed it somehow."

Ruby: "And now they are here, away from Redclaw."

Professor: "So Redclaw isn't out here?

Chomper: "No. He stays around the Great Valley. Thats why we run in to him all the time!"

Sharptooth roars are heard.

Cera: "Is that your parents, Chomper?"

Chomper: Gulps. "Nope, it's not!"

Ducky: "That is what I was afraid of, oh no."

A Fast Biter Walks out of the mist, growls, and snaps it's mouth at the Gang.

Chomper: "Run!"

The whole Gang runs off, with the Fast Biter following.

Littlefoot: "Is it Screech or Thud?"

Chomper: "No, it's not either of them either."

The Fast Biter Roars at them again.

Chomper: "Sounds just as mean, though!"

The Gang is chased by the Fast Biter to a dead end rock wall.

Professor: "Who put this here?"

Petrie: "We done for. He gonna eat us!"

Cera: "Can you do anything Chomper?"

Chomper: "He's too big for me!"

Littlefoot: "You have to do something!"

Chomper growls at the fastbiter in sharptooth, but the fastbiter just growls back and laughs.

Chomper: "I didn't think that would work."

The Gang takes steps backwards until they're up against the rock wall, and can go no further.

Ruby: "I didn't think we would die by a sharptooth by trying to help another
Sharptooth!"

A very loud roar is heard from behind the Fast Biter. The Fast Biter runs off to the side to get away.

Ducky: wiping her head. "Whew."

The ground starts shaking.

Cera: "Earth shake?"

Littlefoot: "No, something BIG is coming!"

A T-Rex Sharptooh Comes walking up to the Gang. It roars at them. The whole Gang Screams.

-----------------------------<Commercial break>-------------------------------

The giant sharptooth roars at the Gang again, and then appears to be laughing.

Chomper: his face lights up. "Dad!"

Professor: Removing his hands from his face. "So, this is Chomper's dad?"

Petrie: "That what he just said, Hatchling!"

Cera: "So, what did your dad say, Chomper?"

Chomper: "He said your all so cute when your scared!"

Cera: Exclaiming. "WHAT!?" Taking a big step towards Chomper's Dad "And what gives You the right to laugh at us like that?

Chomper's Dad takes a step toward Cera, and the ground shakes again.

Cera: "Um, good point."

Chomper's dad Roars again.

Chomper: "He said don't worry. He won't eat any of you."

Chomper's Dad: Lowers his head to look at the Professor. He licks his lips. <What about this little morsel?>

Chomper: runs up between his dad and the Professor. <He's my friend too. He's here to help Mom!>

Chomper's Dad: <Well, ok then. Let me take you to your mom.>

Chomper: <Let's go! I want to see her!> At the Gang. "Alright, We're going to go see my Mom now."

The Gang starts following Chomper's Dad into the woods.

Scene: A clearing in the forest. Chomper's Mom is laying down in the Clearing.

Chomper's Dad walks out of the forests, and the Gang follows.

Chomper: Get's a concerned look on his face, and runs over to his mom. <Mom! Whats wrong?>

Chomper's Mom: lets out a low and hard to hear growl. <Hey darling. I have missed you a lot.> She takes in a weak breath. < I have been sick for days, and it keeps getting worse.>

Chomper's dad walks over and nuzzles his mate.

Chomper: "She's real bad."

Professor: "Will you translate for me? I'll take a look at her."

Chomper: "Sure I will! What should I say?" he translates the next few lines from his mom.

Professor: "Where does it hurt?

Chomper: "It hurts all over."

Professor: "Hm. Does your bones hurt?

Chomper: "I think so."

Professor: "Are you lightheaded? DO you have a bad headache?"

Chomper: "Yes, my head hurts A lot too."

Professor: Climbs up Chomper's Mom's face, opens one of her eyelids wide, and shines his flashlight in it. "Wow, Her eyes are Really bloodshot."

Chomper: "Is that bad?"

Professor: "I don't know yet. I'll have to take a look in her throat."

Chomper and his mom Talk back and forth in Sharptooth.

Chomper: "My mom said she can't open her mouth enough. We'll have to help her."

The Gang gets slightly worried looks on their faces, but they decide to help.

Littlefoot: "I guess we need to help her."

The Gang crowds around the mouth of Chomper's mom. They try to push up on her lip and gums while staying away from her teeth. Her mouth slowly opens up, And the Professor climbs in.

Professor: "Wow, it sure is smelly in here. At least it's breezy." He walks to the back of her throat, and peeks down. "These walls sure do look red and irritated." He climbs out of the mouth of Chomper's Mother.

Chomper: "Well...?"

Professor: "It looks pretty bad, but I think I know what will help her. I remember a special nectar my people made medicine out of. some Epiphyllum Oxypetalum should work."

Littlefoot: "Epi...what?"

Ducky: "Your kind sure do have strange names for everything, they do."

Professor: "Sorry about that. Um, it's a flower that only blooms at night, and it is gold in color."

Ducky: "Oh, I know what you are talking about now. You mean night flowers?"

Professor: "Yeah, thats probably it."

Littlefoot: "I remember. One time we went to this place called the Land of Mists."

Littlefoot: "There are a lot of night flowers there."

Cera: "...And I think it's close to here too."

Professor: "Well, I'll go there and get some then."

Ducky: "I will go with you too. You do not know the way."

Chomper: "You sure you want to go? It might be dangerous."

Professor: Pulls out some kind of handheld weapon out of his backpack. " We'll be fine. I'm really more concerned about Littlefoot and the other flatteeth."

Chomper: "If you mean what I think you do, you don't have to worry. They'll be safe with us!"

Ducky: Pulling on the Professor's leg. "Let us go already. We cannot waste any time, no no no!"

Professor: "Oh, ok."

Ruby: "I Want to see the this Land of Mists too, so I'll come along to see it."

The Professor, Ruby and Ducky head off toward the Land of Mists. The rest of the Gang wave goodbye to them.

Scene: The Great Valley. All the grownups are coming together. Spike is sleeping next to Ducky's Mom.

Ducky's mom: "Hey, does anybody know where ducky is?"

Bron: "No."

Grandma Longneck: "Has anybody seen Littlefoot?"

Petrie's Mom: "No, I haven't seen either of them. Wait, Wheres Petrie?"

Tria: "And what about Cera?"

Mr.Threehorn: "I don't think anybody has seen them all day."

Bron: "Whats going on? All the kids are gone!"

Shorty: Walking up to Bron. "I'm here."

Bron: "Did any of the kids tell you what they were going to do, Shorty?"

Shorty: "No, None of them talked to me today. I don't know where they are."

Mr.Threegorn: Has a angry but also worried look on his face. "Looks like we have to look for them again!"

Scene: The same clearing in the Mysterious Beyond, at night. The Gang are huddled around Chompers parents. They are telling stories and remembering the past. Chomper is translating for everyone, so the Flatteeth and Sharpteeth know what eachother are saying.

Littlefoot: "So I was the only one to come back to Chomper. He was such a little hatchling then, and he needed someone."

Cera: "Yeah. Littlefoot brought Chomper back to us. Then that little sharptooth bit my tail!"

Chomper's Dad: Laughs. <I always knew Chomper would be a good hunter!>

Petrie: "Me no think that something to laugh about..."

Littlefoot: "A little later that day. I remember both of you found me and Chomper on a log. Chomper said something to you, and you just took him. Did he tell you not to eat me?"

Chomper's Dad: <No, Chomper couldn't really talk yet. You did look pretty tasty, Littlefoot, but We were just glad to find Chomper.>

Littlefoot takes a step back.

Chomper's Dad: <I still find it really strange that Chomper is friends with all of you.>

Chomper: Chomper doesn't translate this, but instead replies back. <Well, they saved my life. Twice even. Aren't you grateful for that?>

Chomper's Dad: <Of course I am, but I still find it weird.>

Cera: "What are they talking about now?"

Chomper: Trying to reassure Cera. "Nothing! It was nothing."

Littlefoot: "Well, it's getting late now. We should go to sleep."

Chomper: "Your right, Littefoot. I guess the Professor and Ducky will be back in the morning then."

Cera: "Good night."

Petrie: "Night Cera."

Littlefoot: "Good night, everyone!"

Everyone else says good night and goes to sleep. Littlefoot lays down his head, closes his eyes, and the scene cuts out.

--------------------------------<Commercial break>----------------------------

Scene: Morning in the forest clearing.

Both of Chomper's Parents are awake. Chomper and the Gang are still asleep. Littlefoot opens his eyes to see a dead Domehead in front of him. Chomper's Mom is eating from it. Littlefoot jumps and screams. Chomper and the Rest of the Gang wake up and see the Dead dinosaur as well.

Cera: "RUN!"

The Gang tries to run away. Chomper just stands there in shock. Chomper's Dad blocks their path.

Littlefoot: "Whats going on?"

Chomper's Dad: <Well, Chomper's Mom had to eat, and she couldn't get up and eat somewhere else, so I had to kill something and bring it to her.>

Chomper: Looks down in shame. "I'm sorry you had to see that, guys."

Chomper's Dad: <I'm not!>

Chomper: <That's a very mean thing to say, Dad!>

Chomper's Dad just walks off towards Chomper's Mom.

Littlefoot: "Well, at least she isn't eating us. We should be grateful for that."

From the distance, everyone hears the voice of the Professor.

Professor: Yelling. "Hello? Are you still there? Did They eat you all yet?"

Chomper: Yelling back. "Nope, they're still here!"

Professor: "Whatever."

Cera: "Welcome back Ducky and Ruby. And the Professor too, I guess."

Ducky: "Hey everyone."

Ruby: "Yes, hello. It was so fun having fun in the Land of Mists."

Petrie: "You bring back night flowers?"

Professor: "Of course. Got a hot steaming batch right here!"

Chomper: "Thats good to hear!"

Scene fades into the next scene.

Scene: The Gang is around Chomper's Mom.

Chomper's Mom is eating the Night Flowers. She doesn't look like she likes it.

Chomper: <How is it?>

Chomper's Mom: <Bleh, I liked that Domehead a lot better.>

Chomper: <Well Just eat it. It'll make you feel better!>

Littlefoot: "I never knew a sharpteeth would eat any greenfood."

Chomper: "We don't, unless it's medicine. Even then, we don't like it."

Professor: "So, how is she? Is she feeling any better?"

Chomper's Mom: <Other than that bad taste in my mouth, I'm felling better.> She struggles a little bit, and is able to stand up.

The Gang cheers. Chomper and his dad roar. The scene fades into the next scene.

Scene: "Somewhere else in the Mysterious beyond, a little closer to the Great Valley.

Chomper, Ruby, The Professor, and the Gang are heading back to the Great Valley. Chomper's mom and dad are waving goodbye to them.

Cera: "I'll feel a lot better when we make it back to the Great Valley.

Chomper: looking down at the ground "Yeah, I guess my Parents were pretty bad."

Littlefoot: "No they weren't, Chomper. They weren't as nice as you are, but they were kind of nice."

Professor: "Yeah, I guess they aren't That bad."

Ruby: "Well, they are friends with my parents. They might act mean sometimes, but they do act nice sometimes too."

Ducky: "I like them a lot better than Redclaw, I do."

Chomper looks up at everyone else and smiles. "Thank you. Your all so understanding."

The Gang walk off into the distance, and the scene starts to fades out.

Cera: "Hey wait a second!"

The scene comes back.

Cera: "Did you tell everyone where we were going, Littlefoot?"

Littlefoot: "Um, Uh..."

Scene fades out again.

END

OK, so here's my review of chapter 5!

When Ducky mentions the flying sharptooth is returning, don't capitalize "the" as you used a comma. In terms of power, comma is weakest, but most often used because it's useful in breaking up sentences and thoughts and indicating pauses in speech. Semicolon is next most powerful, as it breaks up two related clauses that just aren't close enough to be separated by a comma, but do not need to be stopped outright with a period. And a period is the most powerful, as it terminates a sentence entirely and begins a new one after it. That's a helpful tip to use when writing.

Rather than say that Chomper and the sharptooth "have a conversation", you can just shorten up by saying "they converse". Same with "Chomper gets a look of surprise on his face." Too wordy. Go with "Chomper appears surprised" or even just "Chomper seems surprised".

Littlefoot asks Chomper what's wrong, so question mark should end that sentence.

When Ruby calls the Professor a farwalker "you're" a farwalker, as it's "you are".

They're searching for "Chomper's parents" not "Comper parents". Sure that was just a typo or something. Make sure to catch those when you proofread. And on that note, a little later on, "paretns" is a misspelling of "parents."

And just a few lines on, "That's why we run into him all the time." Put in to together and put an apostrophe on thats as it is that is.

Once again, I'd just say "The whole Gang runs" instead of using off, as we can assume they're running away and not toward the sharptooth.

You don't need "either" twice when Chomper says it's neither Thud nor Screech. You can just say "It's not them either."

"He said you're all so cute when you're scared". Need to use "you're" in there instead of "your". Good line though.

You don't need to capitalize "You" when Cera addresses Chomper's dad. Can capitalize the whole word if you want to emphasize it, or use italics, but doesn't need to be capitalized.

Chomper "gets" a concerned look on his face, as get doesn't own anything nor is it a contraction. Also, remember apostrophe after "what" again, as what is.

It should be "Do your bones hurt?" when the Professor asks the question, not does. There are some more capitalized words that don't need it, but I'm assuming they're typos such as "Really" and "Her" when they don't begin a sentence. Remember to only capitalize proper nouns (like names) or if a word starts a sentence off. Otherwise, you shouldn't need capitalization except on things like "I", as I is always capitalized.

In eliminating wordy sentences, you can just say "He climbs out of the mouth" as you know it's Chomper's mother, you don't need to reiterate it.

"Where's Petrie?" when Petrie's mother asks. Where and is, it's a contraction, so need an apostrophe.

Mr. Threehorn has "an" angry look, not "a" angry look.

"eachother" should be two separate words, not one.

I see some more "your" when it should be "you're", but you're pretty good with this in your most recent works, so yeah, I won't really dwell and point every single one out. I think you get the idea that you and are is "you're" and your is something "you" own, like your car, your house, your name, whatever.

When Littlefoot says he never knew a sharptooth would eat greens, it should be tooth singular, not teeth.

The scene starts to "fade out" not fades. Right when Cera stops the scene from fading out (which was good. ).

And that's it for grammar and punctuation.

Well this was a pretty awesome episode. A return to see Chomper's parents, and I really liked how you set it up as well. Nicely written, and you set up some good suspense when he received news that his mother was very sick. It created tension and set the plot, and you DEFINITELY had a more solid story this time around, and I didn't ever once feel like anything was filler in here.

There were a few choppy dialogue bits, but nothing too major. It could do with some cleaning and such, but I don't think it jumped off the site at me or anything. The story was good, and well... some of the dialogue was hilarious, especially with Chomper's father. XD Well done on those bits.

The conflict was good I think, because you kept the reader hoping things would turn out OK, after socking them in the face with that whole "Guess what? Your mother is very sick" opening. It was like uh oh, this ain't good. But yeah, it flowed well, and left you guessing as to what the ending would be, and left you satisfied when it DIDN'T end with her death, so well done.

I think my favorite bit was the Littlefoot conversing with Chomper's dad via translation. Loved that dialogue.

And this review is my 200th post!

[vonboy]

Here's Episode 18! Sorry it was late guys. Things came up, and you know how it is. This is a touching flashback episode that answers some questions, and raises some new ones. Hope you enjoy!

Oh, and thanks Pterano for proofreading this!

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Episode 18 - That Spark for Adventure!

With the vocal talents of Chomper!

Scene: A small forest in the Great Valley.

No one is on screen. Instead, you can only hear them.

Littlefoot: "Come on Professor, I want to see the new thing that you made."

Cera: "Yeah. What is it already?"

Professor: "Well, Let me show you."

Ducky: "Ooh, it looks pretty, yes it does."

Ruby: "I really like it, whatever it is."

Cera: "Uh..."

Petrie: "What that?"

Professor: "...oops."

Littlefoot: "Run!"

Dinosaurs start pouring out of the forest. The Gang runs out first, screaming, and then a few tinysauruses. An explosion is heard, and the ground shakes. Finally, the Professor comes running out, looking blackened from the char and smoke.

Professor: Dusting himself off. "Well, that was weird."

Littlefoot: Walking back. "Are you okay? What happened?"

Professor: "Hmm, perhaps I overloaded it. That's all I can think of."

Cera: Walking up. "What in the world was that!? You almost got us killed!"

Littlefoot: "I'm sure the Professor didn't mean it, Cera."

Professor: "I was only trying to make something fun for you guys. I'm sorry it turned out like that."

Ducky: Walking up. "Oh, it is okay, Professor."

Ruby: "Yeah, it was kind of fun actually."

Littlefoot: "I thought it was fun too!"

Professor: "Maybe you all would be safer without me." He walks off.

Petrie: "What get in him?"

Littlefoot: "I think he just feels bad for what happened. I'm sure he'll feel better soon."

Scene: A hill in the Great Valley, at night.

The Professor is sitting on a rock on the hill, looking out over the Great Valley. Littlefoot walks up to him.

Littlefoot: "Professor?"

Professor: "Hm? Oh, it's you. Hello Littlefoot."

Littlefoot: "What are you doing up so late?"

Professor: "You know, I could ask you the same thing."

Littlefoot: "I asked first!"

Professor: "I just feel bad about almost getting you all killed...again."

Littlefoot: "Oh, it's alright Professor. We're all glad to have you around, especially me.

Professor: "You are?"

Littlefoot: "In fact, you've been a sort of inspiration for me."

Professor: "Inspiration? How?"

Littlefoot: "Let me tell you a story. Maybe it'll help you understand.

Professor: "A Story? Hmm, this could be interesting."

Littlefoot: "Let's see, I guess I can start it about a cold time ago..."

Scene: The Great Valley, close to the longneck nest.

Grandpa Longneck is laying on the ground. Grandma Longneck comes up.

Littlefoot: Narrating. "Bron and his herd had just come for their scheduled visit. Me and shorty were out playing."

Grandpa Longneck: "Hello dear. How has Bron's herd been?"

Grandma Longneck: "I think I should be asking how you've been, Grandpa."

Grandpa Longneck: "Me? Oh, it's nothing. Just feeling a little sore today, that is all."

Littlefoot and Shorty run up to the two old longnecks, laughing.

Shorty: "That was a lot of fun!"

Littlefoot: "It sure was!"

Grandma Longneck: "What have you two been up to today?"

Littlefoot: "Just some games."

Shorty: "Yeah, just a little tag."

Littlefoot: Looking at Grandpa Longneck. "Grandpa, are you okay?"

Grandpa Longneck: "I'm just fine, Littlefoot. You don't have to worry about me!"

Littlefoot: "Well, okay.

Shorty: "We're going to go play with our friends some more."

Littlefoot: "Yeah, see you later!"

Grandma Longneck: "Have fun!"

Grandpa Longneck: "And be safe, little ones."

The two younger longnecks run off.

Grandma Longneck: "Grandpa, you were never a very good liar!"

Grandpa Longneck: Sighs. "I know."

Littlefoot: Narrating. "I didn't really suspect anything yet."

Scene: The Great Valley, at night.

At the Longneck nest, Littlefoot and Shorty are asleep, but the three grownup longnecks are nowhere to be found.

Littlefoot: Narrating. "I didn't see it happen, but I know something went on that night."

Camera pans over to the Great Meeting Circle in the distance, where the grownups are gathered.

Scene: The Great Meeting Circle.

Murmuring is heard among the gathered adults. Many look worried and confused. Grandpa Longneck slowly makes his way to the front of the group.

Grandpa Longneck: "Welcome. Thank you everyone for coming tonight. I know this is sudden, but I just feel this has to be done NOW."

Mr. Threehorn: "What are you talking about, Grandpa?"

Ducky's Mom: "Yeah, you woke everyone one up for this. What's going on?"

Grandpa Longneck: "I have an announcement to make."

Petrie's Mom: "Announcement? At this time of night?"

Grandpa Longneck: "As some of you may have noticed, I'm not as spry as I used to be. Lately, my health has just been getting worse and worse."

All of the adults fall silent.

Grandpa Longneck: "So, I am just going to go ahead and get this out of the way. As my final act as the head of the Great Valley Council, I name Bron as the new head of the Council."

The adults gasp.

Grandpa Longneck: "Tomorrow, I will be making the walk."

-------------------------------<Commercial break>-------------------------------


Scene: The Great Valley, at the entrance to the Hidden Valley.

Grandpa Longneck, Bron and Shorty are there.

Bron: "Shorty, you should go get Littlefoot. I'm sure he wants to say goodbye as well."

Shorty: "Okay, dad." He runs off.

Grandpa Longneck: "Now, before I go, I have something else to tell you. Something important."

Bron: "And what might that be?"

Grandpa Longneck: "Well, it concerns Chomper."

Bron: "Ah yes, Littlefoot's little sharptoothed friend. What about him?"

Grandpa Longneck: "Well, it has to do with when he gets older...and bigger. I know what most everyone else will want to do with him, but I have a different plan."

Bron: "A plan? For Chomper?"

Grandpa Longneck: "Yes. Maybe you'd understand better if I told you a story."

Grandpa Longneck and Bron continue to talk, but you can no longer hear them. The camera pans to the Longneck nest, where Shorty has just arrived.

Shorty: "Hey, Littlefoot?"

Littlefoot: "Yes?"

Shorty: "Bron wants you to come to the Hidden Valley entrance. He says it's important."

Littlefoot: "Okay. Let's get our friends together too."

Camera snaps back to Grandpa Longneck and Bron.

Bron: "Is that true?"

Grandpa Longneck: "I believe it is. This story has been passed down through my family for many generations, and I think it's stayed so long for a purpose.

Bron: "So then, you would REALLY do that for Chomper?"

Grandpa Longneck: "Yes, I would. I know every one else will think it is a crazy idea, so I haven't spoken to anyone about it yet."

Bron: "So, you want me to do it?"

Grandpa Longneck: "Yes. I feel bad that I wasn't able to carry it out, but I'm glad you can. I want you to wait till Chomper is older, then bring it up. Don't speak to anyone about it right now. Understand?"

Bron: Yes, I understand."

The whole Gang, Shorty and Grandma Longneck make it to the two adult longnecks.

Littlefoot: Walking up. "Hello, everyone! What's going on?"

Shorty: "Grandpa has to leave!"

Bron: "Shorty!"

Littlefoot: "Leave?"

Grandpa Longneck: "Yes. I have to leave."

Littlefoot: "But...why?"

Grandpa Longneck: "I don't have much time left, little one."

The rest of the Gang stand back and stay silent for the longnecks.

Littlefoot: "What are you talking about?"

Grandpa Longneck: "I fear I may have waited too long already. I'm sorry this is so sudden, Littlefoot, but I need to leave."

Grandpa Longneck starts to turn around to make his way to the Hidden Valley.

Littlefoot: Tears in his eyes. "Grandpa! NO! Don't go!"

Grandpa Longneck: Sighs. "I'm sorry, Littlefoot, but my time has come."

Littlefoot: "No!"

Grandpa Longneck: "Littlefoot, listen to me. You don't have to be sad, I've lived a good, full life."

Littlefoot: "But...but..."

Grandpa Longneck: "Remember, I'll always be there for you...Goodbye Littlefoot."

Grandpa Longneck starts to walk off, but almost falls down.

Grandma Longneck: Walking up to Grandpa. "Oh dear. Do you need some help?"

Grandpa Longneck: "You're supposed to go alone, but I guess I can't do that now."

Grandma Longneck goes with Grandpa Longneck to help him get out of the Great Valley. Chomper suddenly starts growling in sharptooth. Littlefoot and Bron, surprised, turn their attention to him. His growl changes to a low toned, somber sounding roar, that carries on for a few seconds. Tears form in his eyes. His voice gets higher pitched for a second, then lowers drastically, until it hits a resonance. His roar starts to echo throughout that part of the valley, then he stops. The echo of his roar leaves an eerie silence.

Littlefoot: "...What was that?"

Chomper: "It's called the Sharptooth Song of Passing."

Bron: "Song of Passing?"

Chomper: "That's right. We sing it whenever a loved-one passes on."

Littlefoot: "That's very different from any sharptooth growl I ever heard."

Bron: "It almost sounded beautiful in a way. I think I've heard that a couple of times before in the Mysterious Beyond."

Littlefoot turns his attention to Grandma and Grandpa Longneck, now far in the distance. He takes a few steps towards the Hidden Valley, then stops. Bron walks up beside him, while Chomper and the rest of the Gang stay behind to give him space.

Littlefoot: Starting to tear up again. "...Goodbye...Grandpa."

-------------------------------<commercial break>-------------------------------

Scene: The hill in the Great Valley, in the present.

Professor: "Um, good story so far, but could I ask, how does this have anything to do with me?"

Littlefoot: "I'm getting there, just be patient!"

Littlefoot clears his throat, and continues. Scene fades back to the past as he talks.

Littlefoot: Narrating. After my Grandpa left, I changed.

Scene: The Great Valley in the past, at the Longneck nest.

Littlefoot is laying down at the nest, alone. The rest of the Gang walks up to him.

Ducky: "Hello Littlefoot!"

Littlefoot: "...Hi."

Ruby: "You want to go exploring?"

Littlefoot: "Not really."

Cera: "What's wrong, Littlefoot? You don't ever want to go exploring anymore."

Littlefoot: "It's just that it's dangerous out there. I'd rather just stay here, and be safe."

Chomper: "Well, okay then."

Ruby: "Let's go on, I guess."

The group walk off, and the camera pans to follow them.

Chomper: "What's wrong with Littlefoot? That sounded nothing like him!"

Ducky: "I do not know, Chomper, no."

Littlefoot: Narrating. "For a while after that, I didn't want to go adventuring anymore. I just...I guess I... didn't want to find my grandpa out there, if you know what I mean.

Scene: The secret caves.

The Gang are walking through the caves, with Cera leading and Littlefoot bringing up the rear.

Littlefoot: "Guys. I don't really want to go to the Mysterious Beyond. It's too dangerous out there.

Cera: "Oh, come on, it won't be so bad!"

Littlefoot: Narrating. "They tried to get me to go with them many times."

The Gang walks up to a small hole at the end of the caves.

Ruby: "Well, here we are. This will lead into the Mysterious Beyond, just like it always does."

Cera tries to go through the hole, but gets stuck.

Cera: "Um, I can't get out!"

Ruby: "Here, We'll try to pull you out, so you won't be stuck anymore."

Ruby grabs one leg, while Chomper grabs the other. Spike pulls on Chomper's tail. Littlefoot just sits back.

Cera: "It's not working!"

Chomper: "Hmm, maybe I could help you lose some weight later."

Everyone else stares at him.

Cera: "What's that even supposed to mean!?"

Chomper: Thinking. "...Oh...Never mind then."

Ruby: "Littlefoot, we need some help!"

Littlefoot joins the pulling party by biting onto Ruby's tail. Cera finally pops out.

Ruby: "Hmm, I guess we can't go this way anymore."

Cera: "But, we've been going this way for years!"

Petrie: "What about Hidden Valley?"

Ducky: "Yes, we can still go that way!"

Littlefoot: "I'm just going to go home."

Chomper: "But Littlefoot, don't you like adventures?"

Littlefoot walks off.

Cera: "...You know, it just isn't as fun without him."

Littlefoot: Narrating. "This went on for a long time; And then that special day happened."

Scene: The Great Valley, in the morning, at the longneck nest.

Littlefoot is sleeping in the nest, restless. Shorty and Grandma Longneck are also asleep, while Bron is already awake. Littlefoot suddenly wakes up.

Littlefoot: "No!"

Bron: "Morning Littlefoot. Did you have another scary sleep story?

Littlefoot: "Yes. It's the same one I've been having for days..."

Littlefoot: Narrating. "I remember I had that dream about Grandpa that morning. The one where I relived what happened when he left. I felt a little better that day though, because I actually felt like playing with everyone else."

Scene: The Great Valley, in the middle of the day.

The camera is fixed close the ground, seeming to show nothing at first. Suddenly, Littlefoot and the Professor come rolling up on screen. Littlefoot ends up on top of the Professor, and they both yell in terror. Littlefoot and the rest of the Gang run away and meet up with Bron and Mr. Threehorn.

Littlefoot: Narrating. "It was on that day that I first met you, Professor."

Bron finishes talking to Mr. Threehorn, and turns to Littlefoot.

Bron: "Kids, be careful. Stay away from that thing, and if you see it again, call for help."

Littlefoot: "Okay, dad, I will."

Littlefoot turns around, and stares in the direction the Professor ran to. he looks like he's thinking.

Littlefoot: Narrating. "When I saw you, Professor, something just seemed to click. You were such a strange creature, not like anything I had ever seen before! I suddenly felt like I wanted to meet you. To get to know you."

After Bron and Mr. Threehorn walk off, Littlefoot turns to the rest of the Gang.

Littlefoot: "Lets go find that thing again, I want to see it!"

The flashback ends.

Littlefoot: "I'm sure you didn't realize it, but you made me want to explore again!"

Professor: "Really?"

Littlefoot: "Yeah, you were that spark for adventure that I needed!"

Professor: Chuckling. "So I did all of that for you, huh? And I wasn't even trying!"

Littlefoot: "So, you see why I like having you around at least?"

Professor: "I suppose so."

Littlefoot: "You're really strange, Professor, but that's what I like about you!"

Professor: "Well, I think I'll head back to my cave now."

Littlefoot: "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."

The dinosaur and the human walk off in different directions.

Littlefoot: "Hmm. I wonder what he'll be up to tomorrow?"

END

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Yay! Now for the Chomper episode! next week's episode will feature three new OC's, a group of young fast biters named Guaro, Bo, and the littlest one, Cutter. It'll put Chomper in a rather...interesting situation. Look out for "Our Very Own Redclaw!" coming on the 17th!

Oh, and I'm pretty far along on writing that episode, so no need to worry about that one being late!

[Pterano]

No problem! I enjoy helping you out!

Well as I told you earlier, I shed a few tears reading this chapter. You really captured your emotions well here, and seeing Grandpa Longneck walk off like that was pretty heart rending. I knew it was coming, but jeez, I didn't think it'd be so... sad.  

Not only that, but I really liked the transition from Littlefoot's depression to his meeting the Professor. When I read that, I was like ahhhh OK... NOW it's coming together. Well done on that.

You're now two for two in writing a very personal story that speaks to your reader. It's pretty good to see you going back to back for these, and I'd say this episode was one of your most powerful that I've read yet.

My favorite part? Definitely Chomper's Song of Passing. That was incredible, and you wrote it well enough (even without my few little corrections) to really capture the essence of what was going on, and I could picture and hear it all in my mind's eye and ear. I REALLY liked that bit, and it showed a softer side to Chomper too.

Keep up the good work! Looking forward to next week's episode!

[vonboy]

Okay, I WAS going to wait till tomorrow to post the next episode, but I've had it done since yesterday. I figure that since I was a day late last week, I can make it up now by posting this one a day early. Enjoy!

As always, Thanks Pterano for proof reading!

I'd also like to thank two other members for help in this episode. Joshua1127 thought up the fast biter OC names Guaro and Bo, while Pangaea thought up Cutter, which makes a lot of sense in my eyes, and really goes along with Chomper (As two names for things sharpteeth do).

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Episode 19 - Our Very Own Redclaw!

The continuing adventures of Guaro and his merry men!

Scene: The Great Valley, early afternoon, at the hot mud pool.

Ruby, Spike, the Professor and Tria are there, relaxing in the mud.

Ruby: "This is so nice, it's so nice relaxing in the hot mud.

Spike: "Yuh huh!"

Tria: "Yeah, it is very nice to just relax sometimes."

Professor: "It's almost like a spa here! I don't see why the others don't ever bother coming!"

Ruby: "Yeah, I wish the others were here too."

Tria: "Hm, what are they doing?"

Ruby: "Out exploring somewhere, I think."

Tria: "Are they okay?"

Ruby: "Hm, maybe I should check on them." She starts to get up, but settles back into the mud. "...Maybe later. I'm sure they're fine."

Scene: The Mysterious Beyond.

The scene shows a jungle. A roar is heard, and the ground shakes. A few small flyers fly up out of the trees. The Gang run past the camera, screaming in terror, then Redclaw comes on screen, following them.

Chomper: "Where do we go?"

Cera: "How am I supposed to know? You know this place better than we do!"

Littlefoot: "We have to find somewhere to hide!"

Chomper: "This way!"

The Gang runs forward until they come to the top of a cliff face.

Ducky: "Oh no!"

Petrie: "What we do?"

The Gang turns around to see Redclaw closing in on them.

Littlefoot: "I don't know what to do! There has always been a log or a vine or something just where you need it!"

Cera: "Humpth! Thanks for pointing that out!"

The Gang screams as Redclaw comes right up to them. They split into two, going in different directions along the cliff face. Chomper goes one way, and everyone goes the other way. Redclaw follows the rest of the Gang. Chomper runs for awhile through some dense greenery, then stops and looks around.

Chomper: "Where did everyone go?"

Chomper wanders around the forest and sniffs the ground.

Chomper: "I can't even smell them anymore. Where did they go?" He sniffs again. "Wait, I smell something."

The bushes next to Chomper shake. Chomper snaps his head in that direction, looking worried.

Chomper: "Wh...Who is it? Come out!"

Three fast biters jump out of the bushes.

One of them is named Guaro. He's the oldest member of the group, about teenaged, and the leader. He's about twice as big as Chomper. He's dark green in color.

The second is named Bo. He's almost as big as Guaro. He's dark blue in color.

The last is named Cutter. He's only a little older than Chomper, and about the same size as him. He's green in color.

Guaro: <Lookie what we have here!>

Chomper: <What do you want?>

Bo: Licking his lips. <You know, it's not often we get to have sharptooth!>

Chomper: "AHHH!"

The two bigger fast biters take steps towards Chomper, while Chomper takes steps back.

Cutter: Looking worried. <Wait!>

Guaro: <What is it?>

Cutter: <Um, I have an idea!>

Cutter motions the other two fast biters into a small circle, and they whisper among themselves. Chomper stares at the group, confused.

Chomper: Whispering. "I wonder what they're talking about?"

Bo: <What's this idea of yours?>

Cutter: <Can't that sharptooth join us?>

Gauro: <What!? He's not even our kind!>

Bo: <And he looks too small to be of much help!>

Cutter: <Uh, yes. he's small now, but he'll get a lot bigger!>

Gauro: <Your point?>

Cutter: <Um, we can raise him, and he can help us when he's bigger. Just think of what he could take down when he's grown up!>

Guaro: <Hmm, that does sound enticing.>

Cutter: <We'd be feared! It'd be like having our very own Redclaw!>

Bo: <Sounds like a plan!>

Gauro: <Okay, we'll give this a shot!>

The three fast biters disperse, and walk up to Chomper, who's still looking worried and confused.

Guaro: <Alright, we've made a decision!>

Chomper: Still looking worried. <What?>

Bo: <We'll give you a choice.>

Guaro: <Either, we'll eat you, or you can join us!>

Chomper: <Um, I think I'll join you.>

Guaro: <Now that's a smart little biter!>

Chomper looks angry, but doesn't reply.

Guaro: <Now lets get you introduced to the rest of the gang! I'm Guaro, the leader.> Pointing to Bo. <Here's Bo. He can be pretty nasty.>

Cutter: <And I'm Cutter.>

Chomper: <Nice to meet all of you...I guess.>

Guaro: <Look out Mysterious Beyond, we've got a new member!>

The three fast biters cheer. Chomper gives off a halfhearted cheer. Guaro and Bo walk off, while Chomper and Cutter both give a sigh of relief.

-------------------------------<Commercial break>-------------------------------

Scene: A forest in the Mysterious Beyond.

Chomper and the three fast biters are walking through the forest together.

Guaro: <So, what do you all feel like doing?>

Chomper: <Well, we could play a game.>

Cutter: <Yeah! Let's see, we could play tag, or...>

Guaro: <No time for games!> His stomach growls. <Actually, I'm getting kind of hungry.>

Chomper: <Uh, you are?>

Guaro: Laughs. <Yup! Now what could we have?>

Chomper: <Well, maybe some ground crawlers, or buzzing flyers...>

Bo: <That's hatchling food! Don't you want something a little bigger than that?>

Chomper: Looking worried. <Uh, what do you mean?>

Guaro: Sniffs the air. <I smell something!>

Camera switches to show a young redback hatchling, feeding on a fern. Its parents are nowhere to be seen. Guaro and Bo stick their heads out of the nearby foliage to see the hatchling, followed by Chomper and Cutter.

Bo: <Looks good!>

Guaro shushes Bo, then he whispers to Chomper.

Guaro: "Let's make this your first test, little biter!"

Chomper: "My name is Chomper!"

Guaro: "Whatever. Let's see how much of a hunter you are!"

Chomper looks worried, but he makes his way out of the greens, and tries sneaking up on the Redback. He snaps a twig, causing the Redback to jerk his head. He starts running off, and Chomper gives chase.

Redback Hatchling: "Ahh!"

Chomper: <Um, come here!>

The hatchling breaks through a bush, and Chomper does the same. As Chomper comes in close, a thought crosses his mind.

Chomper: "Wait, I don't want to do this!"

Chomper sees a root sticking out of the ground, and pretends to trip on it.

Chomper: "Just go! Run!"

Chomper gets up from his fake fall, and looks at the little redback. The redback turns around, now a great distance away from Chomper. They both stare at each other for a while. A smile slowly starts to form on the hatchling's face. Suddenly, Guaro and Bo rush in from the side of the screen. Bo bites down hard on the hatchling's neck, and the three dinosaurs tumble off screen. Chomper looks shocked. Then, Cutter slowly walks across the screen towards his brothers. Chomper makes his way to the group.

Guaro: <Heh, not bad for a first try, Chomper, but why did you give up?>

Chomper: "Er, he was too far away. I didn't think I could catch up."

The three fast biters are sticking their heads down off screen, feeding on the dead hatchling.

Bo: <Well, come have a bite.>

Chomper: "I don't really want any."

Guaro: Turning his face to Chomper. <...Why not?>

Chomper: <I'm not very hungry.>

Guaro: <Well, you've got to eat if you're gonna be big and strong.>

Chomper: <I just don't want to...>

Guaro: <I said eat!>

Chomper hesitates for a moment, then sticks his head down for a bite.

Guaro: Laughing <So, how is it?> He slaps Chomper's back.

Scene: A forest in the Mysterious Beyond, at night.

Guaro, Bo, and Cutter are huddled together, asleep. Chomper is a little ways from them, laying on the ground. He can't sleep.

Chomper: Talking to himself. "I wonder if I should try to run?"

Chomper gets up, and starts to sneak off. Bo jerks his head up.

Bo: <You aren't trying to get away, are you?>

Chomper: <Um, no.>

Bo: <Good. I'd have to do something to you if you were...> He smirks, then lays his head down again.

Chomper: sighs. "I hope Littlefoot and everyone else is ok."

Scene: A small cave in the Mysterious Beyond, also at night.

The Gang are spending the night in the small cave.

Cera: "Humpth! Shouldn't we go home?"

Littlefoot: "We can't go home, not now! Chomper's out there somewhere."

Ducky: "Yes, we should find him, we should, we should!"

Petrie: "Me hope he okay!"

Littlefoot: Sighs. "I hope so, too."

Scene: A pond in the Mysterious Beyond.

The three fast biters and Chomper are playing and splashing around in the water. Chomper and Cutter are close together, a small distance from the other two.

Cutter: <Grr! It's Redclaw!>

Chomper: Laughing <Oh no! Run away!>

Guaro: <Will you two keep it down!?>

Cutter: <...Sorry, Guaro.>

Cutter and Chomper stare at each other for a moment, and Chomper walks off to drink some water.

Guaro: Jerks his head up, and sniffs the air. <Hey, I smell something again!>

Chomper: <What?> He sticks his head down for a drink of water.

Guaro: <All kinds of stuff; smells like a buffet!>

Bo: Licks his lips. <Sounds good!>

Guaro: Pointing. <Look! Over there!>

Camera pans to the other side of the pond to show the Gang walking along its banks. Chomper sees the Gang, and does a spit-take, shooting water in Guaro's face.

----------------------------------<Commercial break>----------------------------

Scene: The same pond.

Camera shows the Gang walking along, then quickly pans to the group of sharpteeth. Chomper has his claws in his mouth, biting them nervously.

Chomper: Suddenly pulling his claws out. "Ow!"

Guaro motions everyone to fall back to the woods behind the pond. Chomper just stands there, so Guaro comes back.

Guaro: <What are you waiting for? Come on!>

Chomper follows Guaro into the woods.

Guaro: <Here's the plan!>

Chomper: <Plan?>

Guaro: <Chomper, you chase them to the right. We'll be waiting there for em!> He smiles smugly.

Chomper: <Uh...okay, boss.>

Chomper walks off from the group of fast biters, who rush deeper into the woods. He splashes through the water towards the Gang.

Cera: "What's that splashing?"

Ducky: "Is it a sharptooth?"

Littlefoot: looking out into the lake. "It's Chomper!

The whole Gang cheer as Chomper nears.

Littlefoot: "Where have you been?"

Chomper: "No time for that! We have to get out of here!"

Petrie: "What going on?"

Chomper: "Just go that way!" He points to the left.

The Gang start running off the way Chomper pointed, while Chomper follows.
Littlefoot: "What are we running from?"

Chomper: "There's some fast biters after us!"

Cera: "Fast biters? You mean Screech and Thud?"

Chomper: "No, it's not them!"

Suddenly, Guaro and Bo break out of the woods next to them, and start chasing.

Littlefoot: "Turn around! The other way!"

Chomper: <Come on! I can't let the same thing happen to them!>

Cera: "What was that?"

Guaro and Bo roar. Cera doesn't get an answer.

The Gang reach a dead end.

Cera: "We're trapped!"

They turn around to see Guaro and Bo sneaking in on them, jaws and claws at the ready.

Littlefoot: "Chomper, do something!

Guaro: <You don't follow direction very well, Chomper. No matter. Dinner's served!>

Chomper: <No it's not!>

Bo: <What are you talking about?>

Chomper: <I'm not going to let you eat my friends!>

Guaro: Laughs. <Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food? Oh well, I guess that plan was pretty foolish to begin with.>

Chomper: <What plan?>

Bo: <We having sharptooth too?>

Guaro: <Yup!>

Chomper: "Ahh!"

Littlefoot: "Chomper?"

Chomper: "...I tried."

The Gang back up until they can go no further. Suddenly, Cutter runs between the two groups.

Cutter: <Redclaw!>

Guaro: <Run!>

Guaro, Bo, and Chomper run off.

Littlefoot: "What's going on?"

Redclaw's roar is heard, and the ground shakes.

Cera: "Redclaw!"

Littlefoot: "Run!"

The Gang take off in the same direction the other sharpteeth just did. Redclaw breaks out of the forest, knocking down several trees. Chomper falls back to the Gang.

Chomper: "Let's go over to the side!"

The Gang go off to the right, into some woods. Redclaw runs past them, chasing the three fast biters.

Littlefoot: "At least he isn't after us now!"

Chomper sticks his head out of the woods, and looks towards Redclaw and the fast biters worriedly.

Littlefoot: "Well, it's good to see you're safe, Chomper. Let's head back to the valley now."

Chomper: "...Okay, let's go."

Scene: The Mysterious Beyond, at dusk.

The Gang is walking along a clearing in the forest towards the Great Valley. Suddenly, they hear rustling in the nearby forest. Cutter slowly sticks his head out of the foliage.

Cutter: <Chomper?>

The Gang takes a step back, as Littlefoot gets in front of them defensively.

Littlefoot: "Should we run?"

Chomper: "No, just let me talk to him."

Chomper walks up to the fast biter, while the rest of the Gang stay back.

Chomper: <Hey Cutter!>

Cutter: <Hey. I just wanted to say sorry about earlier. My brothers can be a little...mean.>

Chomper: <Oh, it's alright Cutter! Are they ok?>

Cutter: <Yeah, they got away too.>

Chomper: <That's good to hear!>

Cutter: <I haven't seen you in a long time! Where have you been?>

Chomper: <I've been living in the Great Valley.>

Cutter: <Great Valley?>

Chomper: <Oh, sorry. I meant Flattooth Valley.>

Cutter: <WHAT!? But...that place is dangerous!>

Chomper: Proudly. <Well, that's where I live!>

Cutter: <I don't believe it!>

Chomper: <It's true!>

Cutter: <My parents told me scary stories about that place... about the poor sharpteeth that are stupid enough to enter.>

Chomper: <Aww, they aren't THAT bad! They're a really nice bunch once you get to know them. Maybe I could show you around the place sometime?>

Cutter: <Hmm, that could be fun!> Looking behind Chomper. <So, these are the friends you spoke of?>

Chomper: <Yup!>

Cutter: <I know you said your friends were a little...weird, but I wasn't expecting this!>

Chomper: <Well, we need to go back home now, it's getting pretty late.>

Chomper turns around and begins to leave.

Cutter: <Alright Chomper. I hope we get to meet again!>

Chomper: Turning his head back and waving. <I'm sure we will! Bye for now!>

Littlefoot: "Who was that, Chomper?"

Chomper: "Just an old friend, Littlefoot. Someone I haven't gotten to see in a long time.

Littlefoot: "It's good to hear you have friends, even in the Mysterious Beyond!

Ducky: "Yup yup yup! Good to hear you have friends!

Cera: "Humpth! You never told us about THAT friend!"

Chomper: "I never thought you'd be interested." Starting to leave. "Okay, let's go home now, guys!"

Littlefoot: "Yeah, our folks must be worrying about us right now!"

The Gang walk off into the distance.

Cera: "Hey, anyone remember why we went out here in the first place?"

END

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I had a lot of fun writing this episode

Now, about upcoming episodes; We're coming up on the half-way mark for the second season, so The next two episode's will be focusing on the Professor.

Next weeks episode will be called "Tales of Interest". We will be going into some back story with the Professor (In a humorous way, I might add ). Will the Gang learn anything more about the future? Eh, don't count on it

The next one after that will be a lot more serious, but I'll get to that one later

[Pterano]

As always, you're more than welcome! This one certainly needed some cleaning, but it's looking much smoother now! I DID notice that there should be a space between the two lines where the gang runs off in the direction Chmper pointed, and Littlefoot's dialogue though.

Now on to the review itself... I REALLY liked this episode. It focused on Chomper (one of my favorite characters), and told a pretty good story of how he struggles against his own inner nature (which fortunately for him isn't very strong) and others' perceptions of how he should act with how he really is.

I could see that you were building a relationship with Cutter as the plot went on, and I was hoping as I read through that something would come of this, and fortunately, you didn't disappoint in this regard.

I really liked the scene where Chomper is trying to hunt the redback hatchling. I know that hunting a hatchling wouldn't sit well with him at ALL, so I was glad that he let him go, but then the others caught him anyway, yet he still chose to abstain from partaking in the dining. He stuck by his principles and didn't bend on that, and only did when he was essentially ordered to. It was a darker scene, but it worked well with the rest of the story I think.

I also liked when he wasn't able to sleep, and Bo is like "Oh hey there friend... you aren't trying to escape, right? Ahhhh good, because I'd have to rough you up or worse if you were! Night!" XD I know it wasn't a direct quote, I was just paraphrasing there, but yeah, it was pretty funny how they come off as his "friends", but really just force him into doing things. The only genuine one is Cutter in that group. The other two just enjoy wielding their power over him, and nothing more. Cutter is the only one who genuinely likes Chomper and wants to be friends.

Finally, the last scene with Cutter, how Chomper explains to him that those in the Great Valley aren't so bad after all. It was a pretty warm scene for the end, and ended the chapter on a positive note. It wasn't just Cutter who gained a further understanding of Chomper, but his friends as well. Everyone grew a little from this episode, and I liked the character development. And of course... the whole "why are we out here again?" thing. XD

Overall, a really well written episode that told a good story, tested a character to his limit (the question of not just hunting, but hunting his FRIENDS), and showed good character development for not only the aforementioned character, but others as well. This had several aspects of a successful formula for telling a story in it, and you did it quite nicely.

[trulyfantasticme]

nice chapter here, vonboy! So Chomper's joining them fast biters, eh?

[joshua1127]

Not bad at all Vonboy, like the part where chomper lets the redback go by pretending to trip. I knew Chomper wouldn't hurt anyone  

[Mumbling]

This fanfiction has been nominated by its author to be rated for the fanfiction awards 2011. To all the readers and fans of this fanfiction, please rate and review it!

[vonboy]

I've thought about this for awhile, and I thought that since a lot of shows, like Futurama, do this, I'm going to tell the names of all of the rest of the episodes for this season! This will give people an idea of what to expect for the rest of the season, while also keeping it kinda vague. Here's what the rest of the season looks like!

Episode 20 - Tales of Interest
Episode 21 - The Meat Hits the Fan
Episode 22 - Oh, how the Meek Have Fallen
Episode 23 - The Very Sharp Threehorn Girl
Episode 24 - From One Adventurer to Another
Episode 25 - Great Valley: The Grand Tour
Episode 26 - Sweet Dreams
Episode 27 - The Farwalker's World Part 1
Episode 28 - The Farwalker's World Part 2
Episode 29 - The Farwalker's World Part 3

Maybe readers will like to think and imagine what some of these titles entail!

[vonboy]

Sorry for double posting, But i just want to say that I've decided to put this series on hold for now. I'm going to be spending a lot of time over the next few weeks (Or maybe longer?) Reading everyone elses fanfic's and writing reviews for them in the GoF's first ever Fanfiction Awards! I encourage everyone else to do the same. There's a lot of great fiction on this board (One of my FAVORITE aspects of this community) and all of these authors really need some recognition!

Sorry for anyone that liked reading my fiction. It's just I really want to devote time to this, and I don't want to post garbage up just to keep up with a schedule. (Let's forget season 1 ever happened, shall we )

[Pterano]

Episode 6 - The Longneck Girl Returns

Scene: The Longneck nest in the Great Valley, in the morning.

Littlefoot is the only one still at the nest, and he is asleep.

Cera: Walks up to the nest and nudges Littlefoot. "Hey, get up sleepyneck!"

Littefoot: He wakes up and yawns. "Oh, hey Cera. What are you doing here?"

Cera: "Well, I felt like playing something."

Littlefoot: "You know we can't play. We all got in trouble yesterday, remember?"

Cera: "That's not going to stop a Threehorn!"

Littlefoot: "I wouldn't want to mess with Mr.Threehorn. Didn't he chew you out?"

Cera: "Yeah, But I sneaked away."

Littlefoot: "Didn't Mr.Threehorn catch you leaving?"

Cera: "No, he wasn't around when I woke up. Tria and Tricia were gone too."

Littlefoot: "That's weird." He looks around for his folks. "Where's Bron and Grandma?"

Cera: "I don't know, I haven't seen them anywhere either."

Littlefoot: "Well, If no one is here, I guess we could sneak away and look for the others."

Cera: "Now that sounds like a plan!"

Scene: Ducky and Spike are playing in the Watering Hole close to their nest.

Ducky: "I have finally found you spike! It was very hard to find you when you cannot say splasher, it was."

Spike: "Huh..." He isn't very interested. He sticks his head underwater.

Ducky: "What are you doing Spike? I thought we were playing swimmer splasher."

Spike pops his head back out of the water with some water greens in his mouth. He eats them, and goes for another dunk.

Ducky: "I guess this whole time, you were not playing, huh?" She laughs.

Cera: Walking up to the edge of the water. "Hey Ducky and Spike! What are you two doing?"

Ducky: "Eating, I guess, That is what Spike is doing."

Littlefoot: Walking up beside Cera. "Have you see any of the Grownups?"

Ducky: "No, I have not seen anyone. Not even my mom."

Littlefoot: "That sounds very suspicious."

Cera: "Whats wrong? We get to play some when no one is around to yell at us!"

Littlefoot: "But this could be serious. They might be in trouble!"

Cera: "Oh, they can't be in trouble. They're grownups, They'd know what to do."

Littlefoot: "I'm still worried."

Prtrie is flying through the air yelling.

Ducky: "It is Petrie! He does not sound so good."

Petrie: "Oh no, Oh no, Oh nohoho!"

Littlefoot: "What is wrong, Petrie?"

Petrie: He crashes into the side of Littlefoot. "It's horrible!"

Cera: "Petrie, what's wrong?"

Petrie: "It's mom, She not here! She always here when I wake up!"

Littlefoot: "Well, none of our parents are here either."

Cera: "Yeah, It's kind of nice."

Petrie: "Nice? NICE!? What wrong with you!?

Littlefoot: "Calm down Petrie. We're going to go look for them."

Ducky: "Yes, cheer up Petrie. We will find them, yup yup yup!"

Petrie: "Yes. Calm down." He fly's over and lands on Littlefoot's head. "Calm down."

Cera: "Well, if you want to waste our free time looking for the grownups, then I guess I'll help. Besides, I'm the best at finding things."

Chomper: Yelling from a distance "Hey you guys!"

Chomper walks over to the Gang. Ruby is with him.

Littlefoot: "Hey Chomper. Hey Ruby. How is it going?"

Ruby: "Chomper was bored, so we were looking for friends to talk to so he wouldn't be bored anymore."

Chomper: "Yeah. and I'm also sorry that I got you all in so much trouble yesterday."

Ducky: "It is ok, Chomper. That adventure was a lot of fun."

Ruby: "And we helped someone who really needed help. You don't have to feel sorry, Chomper."

Littlefoot: "Yeah, we were happy to help!"

Chomper: "I'm happy you helped too!"

Littlefoot: "So, I guess neither of you have seen any grownups around today either?"

Chomper: "Actually, we have seen them."

Cera: "Really?"

Ruby: "Yes we have. they've all gone over to the hidden valley to greet a herd of farwalkers that are coming through.'

Littlefoot: "Really?"

Ducky: "So that is what all of our parents were doing."

Cera: "What herd is it?"

Ruby: "I don't know who they are."

Littlefoot: "Let's go see who it is!"

Cera: "But our parents will see us!"

Petrie: "Me wanna see mom!"

Ducky: "And I want to see who this herd is, yup yup yup."

Littlefoot: "If we sneak in there, no one will see us!"

Cera: "Oh, alright.

Chomper: "Let's go Already!"

The gang head off towards the Hidden Valley.

Scene: The Hidden Valley.

Chomper walks along the stone wall of the cave connecting the Hidden Valley to the Great Valley. He walks out of the cave, puts his sniffer on the ground, sniffs around some, and motions the Gang to come out.

Chomper: "It's clear, you can all come out."

Littlefoot: Walking out of the cave and looking out into the valley. "I see our parents way over on the other side."

Cera: Walking in behind Littlefoot. "They're all blocking the farwalker herd, I can't see who they are!"

Ruby: "Lets get closer to see if we can get a closer look!"

The Gang sneak into the forest of pear-shaped treesweets and edge closer to the grownups and the new herd. Chomper Has his claws over his nose.

Petrie: Flying up into a tree for a better view. "I see! I See!"

Cera: "Who is it?"

Petrie: "It the longneck herd!"

Littlefoot: "Really? They haven't been here in a long time!"

Littlefoot Peeks his head out from behind a tree, and sees Ali in the midst of the migrating longneck herd.

Littlefoot: "It's Ali!"

-------------------------------<Commercial break>-------------------------------

Chomper: "It's Ali?"

Littlefoot: "Yeah. She's right over there. She's finally come back!"

Cera: "I wonder if she's still with that annoying little Rhett!"

Littlefoot: "I don't know, but I want to see her!"

Littlefoot Starts to run out. Cera runs out, bites Littlefoot's tail, and drags him back into the foliage.

Littlefoot: "OW! What did you do that for?"

Cera: "Shush. We don't want to get caught by the grownups, do we?"

Littlefoot: "No, I guess not. But then how are we going to meet Ali?"

Ducky: "We could try to get her attention."

Littlefoot: "Good idea!"

Ruby: "Can't I just go out there and bring her over" My parents aren't here to see me."

Petrie: That better idea!"

Ducky: "How did I not think of that?"

Ruby: "I'll be back in a minute."

Ruby goes to Ali, Says something to her, and both of them come running over into the foliage.

Ali: "Hey everyone!"

Littlefoot: "It's so good to see you Ali!"

Ali: "It's good to see you too, Littlefoot."

Cera: "How have you been?"

Ali: "Oh, I've been good.

Chomper: Walking up to Ali. "Hey Ali, remember me?"

Ali: Backs away some, then comes back. "Chomper? Oh, I remember you now. Your that friendly little sharptooth!"

Chomper: "Thats me!"

Ali: "Why are you covering your nose, Chomper?"

Chomper: "All of these treesweets smell bad to Sharpteeth. It even makes us sick if we stay too long."

Littlefoot: "Would you want to play something with us?"

Ali: "Of course!"

Chomper: "Good. I'm not feeling so good."

Scene: The Great Valley. The Gang, Chomper, Ruby, and Ali are playing tag, with the one that's it pretending to be a sharptooth.

Cera: chasing everyone else. "Grr, Grr. Roar!. Grr."

Littlefoot: Running and laughing. "Run everyone!"

Petrie: "She gonna get us!"

Chomper: "She's pretty good at being a sharptooth!"

Littlefoot trips and falls over.

Cera: Comes up and jumps on Littlefoot: "I got you now!"

Littlefoot: "Aww."

Cera gets up off of Littlefoot to look for someone else. Littlefoot stays down and watches.

Cera: "Grr! Where are you guys? Grr!" She puts her nose on the ground and acts like she's sniffing for everyone else. She can't find anyone.

Chomper: Sneaking up behind Cera and yelling. "I take that back!"

Cera: Jumps around and starts chasing Chomper. "I'll get you, my little flattooth!"

Ali: Walks up to Littlefoot. "She got you too, huh?"

Littlefoot: "Yup."

Ali: "It's been nice playing with you all. I haven't even seen someone my age in awhile." She lowers her head.

Littlefoot: "It isn't time to be sad. You have us now!"

Ali: Sighs. "I guess so."

Cera and Chomper walk up to Littlefoot and Ali.

Cera: "I think I'm done being a sharptooth now."

Chomper: "I'm done too. I don't think I'd want to be a flattooth."

Littlefoot: "Cera get you?"

Chomper: "Yup. I shouldn't have said what I said!" He laughs.

Cera: "This is a lot better than the last time you were here!"

Ali: "How so?"

Cera: "No annoying little Rhett!"

Ali: Her eyes start to tear up, and she runs away.

Littlefoot: "Whats going on?

Ducky: "I do not know, no."

Cera: "Was it something I said?"

Littlefoot: Stares annoyingly at Cera and turns toward where Ali ran off. "I'll go see what this is all about." He runs off to look for Ali.

------------------------------<Commercial break>--------------------------------

Scene: The Watering Hole.

Ali is at the edge of the later, looking down at her own reflection.

Littlefoot: Walks up beside Ali. "Hey, Ali. What's wrong?"

Ali: "It's just Rhett." Her eyes start watering again.

Littlefoot: "What about Rhett?"

Ali: "It was horrible!"

Littlefoot: "What happened?"

Ali: Another tear coming from her eye. "It was over a cold time ago. Me and Rhett got separated from our herd."

Scene fades into a flashback scene as Ali is saying the last sentence.

Scene: The Mysterious beyond, in a canyon.

Ali and Rhett are running through the bottom of the canyon. Behind them, a fast biter is chasing them.

Ali: "Rhett, he's gaining on us!"

The fast biter roars.

Rhett: "You don't have to remind me of that!"

Ali: "I'm scared!"

Rhett: "I'm scared too, Ali."

Ali and Rhett come to a dead end.

Ali: "What are we gonna do?"

Rhett: Looks around. "Hey, Theres a hole behind this bush!"

Ali and Rhett squeeze behind the bush and goes through the whole just as the fast biter gets there and sinks his teeth into the bush. He spits it out when he realizes it's not meat, then slowly crawls through the same hole.

Rhett: "That was close!"

Ali: "I don't know how long we can keep this up!"

Rhett stops running. Ali turns around, confused.

Ali: "Rhett, what are you doing?"

Rhett: "Just go on. I don't want him to get you too!"

Ali: "Rhett!"

Rhett: "Please, just go!"

Ali starts running again.

Rhett: turns around and sees the fast biter coming. He gulps. "Come on, you bully!"

Ali keeps running, and the scene fades back to the present.

Ali: "And I just kept running." She pauses for a moment. "I never saw him again." She starts to cry again.

Littlefoot: "Ali, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Ali: "I know that Rhett was really mean the last time me and him came over, but after that, he changed."

Littlefoot: "He did?"

Ali: "Yes, he did. He become a lot more honest and caring of others."

Littlefoot: "I know how you feel. I lost my Grandpa not too long ago."

Ali: "Grandpa Longneck is gone?"

Littlefoot: "Yes, he is." He pauses for awhile to think. "He was almost like my father in a way. He looked after me all of those cold-times when I had no one else."

Ali: "I'm sorry."

Littlefoot: "You don't have to be sorry."

Ali: "Well, you don't have to either. I think I'm ok now."

Littlefoot: "Want to go back to everyone else yet?"

Ali: "Yes, lets go back."

Cera: Walking up to the longnecks. "Hey."

Littlefoot: "Where did you come from?"

Ducky: Walking up. "We came because you two were taking awhile, yup yup yup."

Cera: "I overheard about Rhett Ali. I'm sorry for what I said."

Ali: "It's ok. He was mean to all of you, and you didn't know Cera."

Chomper: "Well, do you want to play some more?"

Ali: "Sure. We could play some..."

The ground starts shaking.

Ruby: "What was that?"

Littlefoot: "It's our parents."

Cera: "Parents!? We need to get back to our nests!"

Ducky: "Oh yes, we are still in trouble!"

The gang starts breaking up.

Ali: "See you all later!"

Littlefoot: Calling back as he runs off. "I'll see you, Ali!"

Scene: The Longneck nest, at dusk. Littlefoot is sitting in the nest.

Ali: Walking up. "Hello again."

Littlefoot: "Hey Ali."

Ali: "I just wanted to say I have to go now."

Littlefoot: "Go? Your leaving the Great Valley already?"

Ali: Starting to laugh. "No, I'm just going back to the nest my herd started here."

Littlefoot: "Oh. That's a relief!"

Ali: "We're going to stay for awhile at least. I don't know how long for sure."

Littlefoot: "We can play tomorrow."

Ali: "That sounds like fun! I'll see you tomorrow, then."

Littlefoot: "Ok, bye Ali." He lays his head on the ground and acts bored.

Ali walks off. and the scene fades out.

END

When Cera says "I don't know, I haven't seen them anywhere either", I'd use a semicolon or period to separate those two, as a comma just seems a little weak here. They're two separate but related clauses, so semicolon would be fine, or a period too. You can probably also drop the "anywhere" and just make it "either".

I think you know by now, but when Ducky responds to Cera walking up to her, shouldn't have a capital T in front of "That", as commas do not end sentences, and that is not a proper noun. And it happens a little further on too when Cera says "They're grownups, They'd know" so yeah, no capitalization for "they'd". And also with Petrie yelling. I'd change those commas to periods if you really want to capitalize the "Oh nos" Same for when Cera says "Yeah, it's kind of nice", shouldn't have the "It" capitalized.

And I'd put commas after Ducky's "Yup, yup, yup", as they need to be broken up a little and not form a run-on there.

And Petrie "flies" over to Littlefoot's head, not "fly's", as no contraction and its not possessive either.

Oooh, right after Ruby says they're looking for friends, you should put a comma instead of a period after Chomper says "Yeah, and I'm also sorry" because you generally don't want to start sentences with "and", and you didn't capitalize it either. On that note, when Ruby mentions seeing the grownups, capitalize "They've all gone over" because you used a period before it. And makes sure to close your quotations there with a quotations marks, not an apostrophe.

Once again, I'd break up Ducky's "yups" with commas. Right when she says she wants to see the herd.

Don't need to capitalize the "already" when Chomper says let's go. And Chomper putting his claws over his nose, the "has" shouldn't be capitalized. Neither should "See" after Petrie exclaims that he sees who the herd is.

Ruby offering to bring Ali over shouldn't have the quotations ending "over", it should have a question mark. And on that note, Petrie needs quotations a line below that to start off his dialogue.

"Says" shouldn't be capitalized either when Ruby speaks to Ali.

Ali should say "you're" instead of "your" to Chomper when says he's the friendly sharptooth, since "you are the friendly little sharptooth". And "Thats" needs an apostrophe in the next line, as it's "That is me".

Don't need a period after the exclamation mark when Cera roars. Exclamation is powerful enough to end a sentence by itself.

When Cera is pretending to sniff, the sentence "She can't find anyone" is a little clunky. "Her efforts don't succeed, as she can't locate them" might work better here.

When Littlefoot stares at Cera right before the second commercial break, he shouldn't "stare annoyingly" at Cera, as that implies Littlefoot himself is being annoying, and I don't think that's what you were going for here. XD It should read: "Stares at Cera, annoyed".

Not sure what you meant by "Ali is at the edge of the later". Did you mean "latter"? But then, there was no former, so if you meant to say the water hole, you could use "aforementioned" or maybe you meant to say "lake" and it came out as "later"? Not really sure; either way, later doesn't work here.

It should technically be "Rhett and I got separated from our herd", but since she's only a kid, I'm not gonna say you have to change this, because kids would tend to say "me and Rhett" anyway.

Oh and, to give you an example of what a scene line should look like in a screenplay (in case you're interested), the flashback scene is a perfect example. It should read:

MYSTERIOUS BEYOND - A CANYON - DAY

Rhett should say "There's a hole" with the apostrophe, as "there is a hole".

That action stuff you write after it needs some fixing. Rhett and Ali "go" through the "hole", not "goes" and "whole". You don't need "same" hole either, just "hole" is fine, as we know it's the same hole.

When Ali agrees to go back to everyone else, "let's" and not "lets" as its a contraction of "let us go back".

I don't need to repeat about needing commas for Ducky's yups, but its there all the same.

Should be a comma after Rhett in "I overheard about Rhett, Ali". Pause after all.

And another example (if you're interested) in setting up a scene line in a screenplay would be

LONGNECK NEST - DUSK

When Littlefoot is asking if Ali has to leave already, should be "you're leaving" instead of "your" because it's "you are leaving already?".

OK, now for the READER REVIEW! Punctuation is done.

I don't think I liked the first half of this episode or so very much. It wasn't your story at all, but more the dialogue you wrote. I just sounded... choppy and very formal. You avoided using contractions a lot, and had characters saying things like "It is OK" or "That is good." That's fine for Ducky, but everyone else making use of it just seemed weird, especially Cera! Cera's the most informal talker of that bunch! If they were all at a fancy tuxedo party then I could maybe see this dialogue working, but it just sort of broke up the pacing for me, and made them sound kind of robotic. Try to get the dialogue more informal when it involves the gang, and make use of contractions when you can.

However, the story you told was very good, and you threw in surprises too that I wasn't expecting. When Ali runs off because of the mention of Rhett, I was like OK, something must have happened to him, but I was NOT expecting THAT! You completely broadsided me with that, and I was thinking more along the lines of him maybe getting separated from Ali either by force or mistake, but THAT was just like wow... I had to pause and just let that sink in because you really caught me off guard, and I didn't see that coming at all.

It was also a pleasant surprise when Ali said that her herd was making a nest in the Great Valley. Even if she wasn't sure for how long, you once again surprised me by having her walk up in the evening and make it LOOK like she was saying goodbye. I was getting ready to start getting a little teary eyed or something since you seemed to be setting up a sad goodbye, but then SURPRISE! The relief you created in me was rather good, and I REALLY enjoyed reading that. It was a nice release after the rather... dark revelation of Rhett's fate. I was still digesting that when you brought this part up, and I was like OK... here we go... it's about to get worse, but nope! Pleasant surprise.

Fortunately too, your dialogue started coming together after they met Ali, and it didn't sound as fake or mechanical. Dialogue that doesn't flow well can really affect your pacing, and throw it off, which I felt happened with the opening of this episode, but you managed to save it and keep it good as it went on. The pacing picked up, and helped me to keep going.

Overall not a bad chapter. The first half could be brushed up a lot, but I have no complaints with your story in this, and once again, you showed you're the master at surprising your audience, and playing their emotions.

[vonboy]

Thanks about bringing up the lack of contractions. I never really thought of that in this episode.

Having the beginning pretty poor like that is probably a bad idea. It'll turn people away.

I'll tell you that I HATE Rhett! When I started on that episode, I really just wanted to kill him off, but as I worked on it some more, I thought the way I was writing his death was bad, so I changed it to him sacrificing himself to save Ali. I figured that was the best way to deal with a character I hated and didn't want to be in the series; By killing him off, but in an honorable and redeeming way, showing that he has changed since that only episode he appeared in. Did you get ANY inkling that I didn't like Rhett in that? Oh wait, have you seen that episode yet?

Glad I surprised you TWICE in one episode. It's good how that turned out. Surprising you with something depressing, then pleasantly surprising you in the end when you were expecting a teary goodbye. "Always keep em guessin...always keep em guessin."

Also, this is the only episode that doesn't mention the Professor at all!

Does the first season seem to getting any better as your going along? Do you see things that are changing, for better or worse?

So you think my last three episodes have been REALLY good then? That's great to hear! I guess that's another reason I stopped. I didn't know how long I could keep a streak like that up.

"The Little Leafeater and the Little Biter" just kinda has a short children's story quality to it in my eyes. I kind of like that about it.

In "That Spark for Adventure", I'm glad I was able to work in an idea I didn't get until LONG after I wrote that episode, about how the Professor changed Littlefoot. It was cool how that very first episode was written in a way that I could fit that in later, and still make it seem very believable. Also, you didn't really mention it, but there's a big foreshadowing bit in there when Grandpa Longneck speaks with Bron. I'm going to comeback sometime on that!

I spent a long time writing "Our Very Own Redclaw". It was the episode I was REALLY interested in writing, sort of like with "A Sharptooth in need" in the first season. That episode was half-written for several weeks. I don't know yet if I'll ever do anything with Guaro and Bo again, but Cutter is coming back for another episode later this season!

Yes, "From One Adventurer to Another" is going to be a Pterano/Petrie centered episode!

Whew, that's a bunch of stuff :blink:

Thanks for all the reviewing you've been doing Pterano. You've really been helping me to see things I never noticed before, giving me an idea of what readers are getting out of my work and what they're looking for.

[Pterano]

Well yes, that's true. Some readers might feel it's taking too long if the pacing is off, and lose interest early on, so a strong beginning is just as important as a strong ending.

I have not seen the Rhett episode yet, and I had NO idea that you hated him. XD I thought you wrote him very fairly, and didn't show any personal bias. But wow, he must not be a very popular character. I think that's kind of funny that you just wanted to do away with him in your series. Sweep him under the rug so to speak. XD

Indeed, yes. You seem to be very good at surprising readers, and coming up with twists. Keep 'em guessing, as you said.

I think in all honesty, the first season for me is pretty hit or miss. You have episodes that are good, and episodes that are not quite as good. I'd have to really reread the whole thing to see if there's a trend, but right now I don't detect a pattern. Either way, they aren't terrible by any means, and you do have some gems in here.

Yes! I LOVED your last three episodes! "The Little Leafeater and the Little Biter" was probably my favorite. And good point! I think now that I look at it, it being very child like brought me back to the old Land Before Time movies, and I really connected well with how you wrote it I just loved everything about it. Your pacing was EXCELLENT, fantastic! It kept me reading all the way through. And I guess that good old feeling you created in me was another thing that hooked me.

Ohhhh foreshadowing that you'll be revisiting again, eh? Sounds good!

Cutter coming back is good, too. I rather liked his character, and what you did with him. It was really good character development, and he acted more of Chomper's age than he did the other two XD

Pterano and Petrie! I thought so!

Well sure thing. Glad I'm helping you out with some of these earlier ones. An extra set of eyes is always good, because they can often catch what you may miss.

[Pterano]

Episode 7 - Ape Man

Scene: The Great Valley, Very early in the morning.

A blue light appears, like the one before. The Professor steps out of the light holding a large, heavy looking, cardboard box. He walks off towards the edge of the valley, and the scene fades out.

Scene: A forest in the Great Valley. Later in the morning.

The Gang is walking through the woods, Ali and Chomper in tow.

Ali: "Who is this person you wanted me to meet again?"

Littlefoot: "His name is Professor."

Cera: "You say you saw him this morning, Petrie?"

Petrie: "yes, me did! Me was flying around earlier, and me saw him."

Ducky: "I was starting to think we would not see him again, I did."

Chomper: "Oh well." He looks disappointed. "I thought he was gone too."

Ali: "So you wanted to tell me that he was a little weird before I met him. Is he a sharptooth or something?"

Littlefoot: "No, He's not a sharptooth.

Cera: "I don't really know what he is, to tell you the truth."

Chomper: "I think I know!"

Littlefoot: "What?"

Chomper: "Um, never mind. It was just a guess, anyway."

Littlefoot: "There he is!"

The Gang sees the Professor holding his box. He is walking towards a cave on the outskirts of the Great Valley.

Littlefoot: "Hey Professor!"

Professor: Looking back at the Gang. "Huh? Oh hey, dinosaurs."

Cera: "We have someone here to meet you."

Professor: Sets down his box and walks up to Ali. "Oh, yellow."

Ali: "Um, hi there." She looks the Professor over. "I've never seen someone like you before."

Professor: "That a bad thing or something?"

Ali: "No, It's just...nothing."

Cera: "So what are you doing, Professor?"

Professor: "Just moving some things."

Littlefoot: "What kind of things?"

Professor: "I don't think you'd understand. I'm moving in." He picks up his box, and heads toward the cave again. The Gang follows.

Ducky: "Moving in? We thought when we did not see you yesterday, that you left, yup yup yup."

Littlefoot: "We thought you had moved on to somewhere else."

Professor: "Why would you think that?"

Chomper: "Well, your a farwalker. We just figured you moved on."

Professor: Stops and thinks for a minute. "It's true, I am a farwalker, but I Really like this Valley."

Littlefoot: "You do?"

Professor: "Yes. I like it much better then the last place I was at, So I've decided to move in and make this my new home!"

Littlefoot: "That's great!"

Chomper: Looks a little annoyed. "Isn't there someplace else you'd rather be?"

Professor: "Nope, I want to stay here."

The Professor and the Gang come up to the cave, and the Professor starts walking in.

Ali: "your going to live in a cave?"

Professor: "Actually, I've been living here."

Chomper "You have? Like me?"

Professor: "Of course!"

Littlefoot: "Can we come in?"

Professor: "No."

Cera: "Why not? I'd really like to see what you got in there!"

Professor: "I don't think you would understand what you were seeing."

Chomper: "Yeah, He's probably right."

Cera: "Why is it you don't want to come in, Chomper?"

Chomper: "Uh, no reason."

Littlefoot: "Then I guess we'll drop it for now.

Ali: "Are we going to go play something today or what?"

Cera: "I'm sure we could think of something."

Professor: "Actually, I have something you could help me with."

Littlefoot: "Really? What is it?"

Professor: "I'm looking for something, and I haven't been able to find any of it in the Great Valley."

Ali: "What are you looking for?"

Professor: "This might be hard to explain. I'm looking for some iron ore."

Littlefoot: "Whats that?"

Professor: "It's a special kind of rock, and you can turn it into metal."

Ducky: "What is metal?"

Professor: "Now that's another thing I can't explain!"

Cera: "So let me get this straight. You want us to help you look for some weird rock none of us have ever heard of. And this rock can be turned into something else we've never heard of?"

Professor: "Thats right!"

Cera: "And you can't find any of it in the Great Valley, so you want us to go into the Mysterious Beyond to help you look for it?"

Professor: "Right again!"

Chomper: "Sounds like fun!"

Petrie: "fun? Fun!?"

Ducky: "I'm not sure I want to go back out there, no."

Littlefoot: "Is this important to you, Professor?"

PRofessor: "Yes. It's very important that I find some."

Littlefoot: "We'll, I guess were going then."

Cera: "WHAT!?"

Littlefoot: "If we stay together, we'll be safer. I'm sure it'll be ok."

Cera: "Well, you'll need me for protection!"

Professor: "Lets go!"

-------------------------------<Commercial break>------------------------------

Scene: The Mysterious Beyond, in the afternoon.

The Gang, Ali, Chomper, and the Professor are walking around, searching for the iron ore the Professor wants.

Cera: "We have been out here for awhile."

Professor: We need to keep looking."

Littlefoot: "All of those other rocks we found for you weren't it?"

Professor: "No. None of them were."

Cera: "I think we need to go home now."

Littlefoot: "We can keep looking.

Chomper: "Yeah, We're pretty safe."

Cera: "No were not! A Sharptooth could jump out any second!"

Chomper: "I don't smell any sharpteeth."

Ducky: "You are not usually the one to be scared of things Cera."

Cera: "I'm not scared. I just don't want anything to happen to all of you."

The Professor walks up to a cliff face. The gang follows.

Professor: "I wonder if there is any here." He looks around, and studies some rocks on the cliff face. "Nope, another dud. Come on, let's keep looking."

Cera: Starting to look angry. "I'm tired of looking. Let's go home already!"

Littlefoot: "Come on Cera, we'll be fine."

Cera: "I'm getting sick and tired of the Professor telling us what to do!"

Cera charges at the Professor. She pushes the Professor against the cliff wall. The Professor's arm device gets smashed against the rock, and it short circuits.

Professor: "What did you do that for?"

Littlefoot: "Fighting won't solve anything!"

Ducky: "Are you ok, Professor?"

Professor: "I suppose I'm fine. It's just..." His voice suddenly changes to a bears voice.

Everyone takes a step back.

Littlefoot: "What just happened?"

Professor: Plays around with the device and talks again. "That's weird. I think it's working now. Now then, I was talking about the..."

The device short circuits again. The Professor yells out in pain in Sharptooth.

Petrie: "Me getting scared!"

The Professor rips the device off of his arm, and throws it on the ground.

Professor: "Ah ei ei ooh!"

Ducky: "What is wrong with the Professor?"

Cera: "He can't talk!"

Littlefoot: "I think I know whats going on. He told me that thing on his arm lets him talk to us. Since it's broken, he must not be able to talk leaf-eater anymore!"

Petrie: "That bad, very bad!"

Chomper: "You mean he can't really speak leaf-eater?"

Littlefoot: "No, he needs that thing on his arm to talk to us. When I first met him, he couldn't talk to me either."

Ali: "That's awful!"

Professor: With a very angry face. "ah ah hi o hi hi hoo." He punches the rock wall, and cries out in pain. "AIEEE!" He then put his hands over his face.

Littlefoot: Walks up and gently pushes on the Professor with his head. "I know you can't understand me right now, but We're still here for you."

The Professor takes his hands off of his face, and pets Littlefoot on his head.

Cera: "Well, what are we going to do now?"

Professor: Points his hand out in the direction of a mountain. "Oo oo hi!"

Cera: Rolls here eyes. "Here we go again!"

The Professor walks off, and the Gang follows.

Scene: The mountain.

The Professor walks up to the side of the mountain and starts examining the rocks.

Littlefoot: "I'm wondering if he'll find what he's looking for here."

Cera: "I'm actually hoping he does find it, I've been ready to go home for a while now!"

Petrie: "Me wanna go home too!"

Professor: Exclaiming. (Ah! uh hi hi ho oo!) He walks over to the Gang and starts pushing them to some nearby bushes.

Cera: "Whats he pushing us for?"

Littlefoot: "I think he wants us to get out of the way, but what for?"

The gang goes behind the bushes, and the Professor follows. The Professor pulls out his handheld weapon, and fires a shot at the mountain. Theres a flash of light, and a loud noise, and several medium sized rocks fly off of the mountain base.

The gang is startled, and run out from behind the Bush.

Petrie: "No! What going on!?"

Cera: "What was that? A earthshake?"

Littlefoot: "Did the Professor just do that?"

Ali: "I don't know whether to be sorry for him, or be scared of him!"

Professor: Walks up to the the mountain, picks up a good sized rock, and puts it in his backpack. He walks up to the Gang, still cowering in fear. He laughs. "hu he he he!".

Cera: "Is he making fun of us or something?"

Littlefoot: Starting to laugh. "He probably thought you were scared, Cera!"

Cera gets up and tackles Littlefoot.

Chomper: "I think there's a lot of things we don't know about the Professor. It's weird how he doesn't talk about himself much."

Ducky: "He is probably just shy, yup yup yup!"

Littlefoot: Getting up. "Well, I guess it's time to go home."

A Sharptooth roar is heard.

Ali: "What was that?

Chomper: "Wasn't me!"

Cera: "I told you we should have left sooner!"

A fast biter comes up to the Gang, and Charges.

Littlefoot: "No time to argue!" he starts running.

The rest of the Gang and the Professor start running with Littlefoot. Chomper stays behind in the bushes. Ducky trips. The rest of the Gang stops and turns around.

Littlefoot: "DUCKY!"

--------------------------------<Commercial break>-----------------------------

Fast Biter: Grabs Ducky in her claw. <You'll do just fine for the lesson!> She runs off.

Cera: Starting to run towards the fast biter. "We have to help her!"

Littlefoot: "It's to late. That sharptooth got her."

Petrie: "Oh, poor Ducky!" He falls on Littlefoot's back and starts crying.

Cera: Walking back to the rest of the Gang, with her head lowered. "What a way to go. Poor little ducky." Her eyes tear up.

Ali: "I can't lose another friend!" She starts crying as well.

Chomper: Running up to the group. "what are you waiting for, lets get ducky!"

Littlefoot: "It's too late, Chomper."

Chomper: "I don't think so. I heard what the fast biter said. She didn't eat Ducky on the stop, but she ran off with her."

Cera: "So?"

Chomper: "I think she is keeping Ducky alive long enough to take back to her kids to see if they can hunt her."

Littlefoot: "Really?"

Chomper: "Yeah. My parents used to do that for me!"

The Rest of the Gang just stare at him. Chomper realizes what he just said, and lowers his head in shame.

Littlefoot: Walks up to Chomper, with an almost somber look on his face. "Well, lets just not think about that right now..." He gets a determined face. "We need to go help Ducky!"

Chomper: Looking up at Littlefoot. "Ok, Littlefoot!"

The Gang runs off to where the fast biter ran off too. The Professor follows.

Scene: Somewhere else in the Mysterious Beyond, at a fast biter nest.

The fast biter walks up into view, Says something in sharptooth, and drops Ducky on the ground.

Ducky: "What is going on? You are not going to eat me?" She looks over to see 3 young fast biters. "Oh, you are cute little ones, yup yup yup!". The young fast biters growl and charge at Ducky. She starts running away. "No no no!"

The Gang come running up to behind a tree close to the nest.

Littlefoot: "You were right, Chomper!"

Chomper: "We need to do something!"

The young fast biters snap their jaws at Ducky.

Ducky: "They are not very cute anymore, no!"

The Professor walks out from behind the tree, and points his weapon at the mother fast biter.

Littlefoot: "NO! Not that way!" He Nudges the Professor and points his tail at the Young Fast biters.

The Professor seems to get the message. He aims his weapon to some nearby rocks and fires. The Explosion startles the mother Fast biter. She roars something and runs off. Ducky trips again. She looks back at the approaching young sharpteeth and screams. She covers her head in fear. The young sharpteeth hear their mother, and run off with her.

Chomper runs out and acts like he's hungry. He sneaks up on Ducky, touches her, and yells. "Gotcha!"

Ducky: Jumps up and screams again. "Chomper! Why did you do that?"

Chomper: "I thought it would be funny!"

Ducky: "I was about to be eated, Chomper!"

Chomper: Laughing. "Aww, it was just a joke!"

The rest of the Gang run up to Chomper and Ducky.

Littlefoot: "your ok, Ducky!"

Ali: "We thought you were done for!"

Ducky: "Well, I guess I am happy Chomper got me."

All of the dinosaurs laugh. The Professor just stares at everyone, since he can't tell what anyone is saying.

Cera: "Can we FINALLY go home now?"

Scene: Back in the Great Valley, in front of the Professor's cave. It is dusk.

The sound of Hammering is heard deep in the cave.

Petrie: "What Professor doing in there, anyway?"

Littlefoot: "I don't know, Petrie."

A saw is heard heard from inside the cave. The cave lights up for a second.

Cera: "I'm starting to wonder too."

Chomper: "He scares me sometimes."

The Professor walks out of the cave, with a new communication device on his arm. He Messes around with it, and speaks.

Professor: "Can you hear me now?"

Littlefoot: "You fixed it!"

Professor: "Oh my, yes. It's so good to hear somebodies voice again!"

Cera: "I guess I'm sorry for breaking that thing on your arm."

Professor: "It's ok."

Ali: "This has been a long day! I'm going to go lay down." She walks off.

Littlefoot: "Yeah, it's getting late." He goes to his nest.

Ducky: "What are you going to use that rock for, Professor?"

Professor: "I'm going to build something out of it."

Petrie: "Me want to see what you make when you done!"

Professor: He sighs. "Maybe."

Petrie flies off, while Ducky walks off.

Chomper: He eyes the Professor. "We'll I"ll see you tomorrow, Professor!"

Professor: "Eyes Chomper back. "I'll see you, too!"

Chomper walks off, and the Professor walks back into his cave. The scene fades.

END

I don't believe you need that comma after "heavy looking" for the cardboard box, as too many pauses.

The "yes" when Petrie talks should be capitalized with "Yes", as it's the first word in the sentence.

Once again, as before, I'd use commas after Ducky's "yups", but as you know that, I'll mention it this once.

With Chomper stating the Prof is a farwalker, should be "you're" as "you are a farwalker". Though I think you're much better at these, so once again, won't dwell.  

No caps on "Really like this Valley." Valley yes, though could get away with lowercase too as aren't using the full name. Really doesn't need it though. Same with the "So I've decided to move in" because you had a comma before "so".

And with Ali, it should be "You're going to live in a cave?" because it's "you and are" again

You tend to use "something" a lot in the next bits of dialogue. I count about four times, so maybe try to mix it up with other words.

After the iron ore bit, Littlefoot should ask "What's" as it's "what is"

Put a question mark on the end of Cera's first question, after she says "Let me get this straight."

And Professor should say "That's" with apostrophe, for "that is right."

Capitalize the first "Fun" in Petrie's dialogue, as first word of the sentence

Littlefoot should say "Well, I I guess we're going then." Well as it's not we will, and "we're" because it's we are.

And remember, "Let's go" as it's let us.

Put some quotations on the beginning of the Professor's first line right after the commercial break.

Don't capitalize "We're" in Chomper's dialogue, for when he says they're safe, because comma precedes it. And Cera should say "No, we're not", not were, as it's we are.

I wouldn't use cliff face again, as it sounds repetitive the second time. I'd go with rock wall maybe.

I'd try to use... more intense words when Cera runs into the Professor. It comes off a little dry here. I'd go with "She charges at the Professor, ramming into him and violently shoving him back into the cliff. With a sickening smash, the arm device is wrecked, and short circuits" or something like that.

And it should be his voice changes to a "bear's" with apostrophe, as it's possessive. The bear owns the voice.

Should be "I think I know what's going on" rather than "whats" with Littlefoot. Contraction again.

I'd use a semicolon or period for Petrie's "That bad, very bad!" bit, as comma is a bit too weak there. It's really a full stop, so semicolon or period would work fine.

And after the Professor punches the rock wall, he "puts" his hands over his face. Singular subject, plural verb.

Cera rolls "her" eyes, not "here" eyes. Probably just a typo.

Once again, I'd use a semicolon or period when Cera says she's been ready to go home. I don't think a comma is strong enough to hold those two clauses together.

Cera should ask "What's he pushing for?" rather than "whats". It's an adverb, and adverbs can NEVER be plural And on that note, should be "There's an explosion" as once again, it's an adverb, and it cannot be plural. It's a contraction of "there and is".

When he walks back up to the gang, I'd change that sentence to read "who are still cowering in fear" rather than launch into it without the "who", as it's kind of confusing as to who is cowering in fear otherwise. And you don't need a period outside the Professor's quotes when he laughs, as exclamation mark ends that sentence.

"Charges" shouldn't be capitalized when the fast biter arrives.

The gang will "stop and turn around", not "stops" and "turns".

After the last commercial break, Littlefoot should say It's too late." with two Os for the "too".

Capitalize the "what" in Chomper's "What are you waiting for?" And the Ducky for that matter, as that's definitely a proper noun. Chomper should probably say that the faster biter didn't eat Ducky on the "spot" either, so once again, probably just a misspelling.

"rest" in "rest of the gang just stare at him" doesn't need capitalization. Drop the second just in that action line as well, as you already have it once, and don't need too many adverbs. "realizes what he said" works fine.

Don't need the comma after Littlefoot "walks up to Chomper with an almost somber look on his face." I dropped it there. There's no pause, so no comma. I'd use "A determined look crosses his features" rather than just "he gets a determined face" as that sounds kind of blank. XD

"The gang runs off to where the fast biter ran off too". Should be "to" as it's a location.

I'd just the "fast biter walks into view", don't need the up. No capitalizing "says" either, right after that, as you used a comma and not a period.

Don't need to capitalize "nudges" either when Littlefoot nudges the Prof. Or "young", that should be lowercase. "Fast" should probably be lower case too.

He aims his weapon "at" and not "to" some nearby rocks. Explosion shouldn't be capitalize either.

"You're OK, Ducky!" and not "your" OK.

"Hammering" should be capitalized when they're back at the cave.

Don't need the comma when he exits the cave "with a new communication" etc. Don't need to capitalize "messes" either.

"It's so good to hear somebody's voice again", as it's possessive. It is the voice of somebody, somebody owns it, so apostrophe.

Need an apostrophe and not quotations when Chomper says "Well I'll see you tomorrow", and also, should be "Well" and not "We'll".

Phew wow... lot of cleanup for this episode. XD Sorry it took me so long, but there was a lot to fix.

So for the reader review... well I guess I just didn't like this episode as much. It wasn't that it didn't have a good plot, but it just didn't engage me very well. There wasn't a clear conflict until much later on, and even then it didn't seem to be that important when you finally introduced it. It's like you were building up to something, and then weren't sure if that's what you really wanted to do, as I just didn't get a very strong sense of plot here.

It wasn't bad, but it sort of reminded me of an episode on TV that I'd quickly forget if I saw it. There just wasn't much that was memorable about it, aside from the Professor of course not being able to speak in a rather hilarious manner. XD I think that's what saved this episode from being completely forgettable. Compared to your later stuff, there just... really isn't anything that stands out here. I was expecting more with Ali's return, but she just sort of fades into the background in this episode, and there really isn't a central character or conflict, aside from saving Ducky from the fast biter, which wasn't bad, but felt a little too filler for me.

I wish I had something that I REALLY liked to give you laurels for, but aside from the rather humorous loss of speech that the Professor suffers (which I really DID like. ), I just wasn't as engaged with this episode as I have been with some of your others. It just had that whole feel of an episode I'd see on TV that I probably wouldn't remember in a few weeks' time. This might be just me, but I dunno, this episode just didn't do it for me. You could have really spun off Ali's return, or just created a more central and grounded episode, as you had plenty exiting the previous episode, and this one just... didn't seem to live up to that. So yeah, sorry. We'll see how the next one goes.

At any rate, at least you have three excellent episodes in season two that I'd easily give nines or tens to. So the good news is, you've improved a lot from season one.

[Pangaea]

My repeated apologies for the time I’ve taken to review another episode. It should be obvious by now that regular, punctual reviewing is not my thing.

Hopefully, while you’re taking a break from writing the story, I’ll be able to catch up a bit on my episode reviews. I feel a little guilty that Pterano has made my job a lot easier in that he has assumed the role of correcting the spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors that I would normally feel compelled to point out. In doing such an outstanding job covering the spellchecking aspect of story reviewing, he has inadvertently left me with far less to worry about when I write my own reviews. I have to say I’m very thankful that Pterano is reviewing this story, not just for the above reason, but because he’s providing the thoughtful, comprehensive critiques you desire, at a timely and consistent rate that are apparently beyond my abilities to adhere to. (Seriously, if Pterano were eligible for the GOF Awards this year, he would deserve the Feedback Award far more than me, at least as far as this story is concerned.)

Also, I think I’m going to go ahead and read the entire story without pausing to review between episodes, so that I can give a fair overall review on the story as a wholeóas opposed to just the chapters I have read so farówhen I vote for it in the Fanfiction Awards. (I’m actually a pretty fast reader; just a painfully slow reviewer.)

I've decided to put this series on hold for now. I'm going to be spending a lot of time over the next few weeks (Or maybe longer?) Reading everyone elses fanfic's and writing reviews for them in the GoF's first ever Fanfiction Awards! I encourage everyone else to do the same. There's a lot of great fiction on this board (One of my FAVORITE aspects of this community) and all of these authors really need some recognition!

Sorry for anyone that liked reading my fiction. It's just I really want to devote time to this, and I don't want to post garbage up just to keep up with a schedule. (Let's forget season 1 ever happened, shall we )

I give that same advice to practically every author whose work I review (heck, I think I gave it to you in an earlier post!). Don't rush to complete a chapter within a set time frame; take as long as you need to do a good job writing it. Some chapters take more time and effort to write than others, and trying to consistently post one chapter a week seems like a ridiculous squeeze, in my opinion. Also, a piece of advice one author gave me (not the other way around, as you might expect ) is that once you've finished writing a chapter, it's a good idea to go back to the beginning and read it through at least once before you post it, both to check for spelling and grammar errors, and to make sure that the story itself sounds good and makes sense.

Before I get into reviewing Episode 4, something I thought I’d point out about the new list of episode titles you have at the beginning of this thread: I noticed that one of the titles is written like this…

Episode 22 - Oh, how the Meek and Fallen(July 8th)

…when it should be “Oh, How the Meek Have Fallen” (also note capitalization). And I’d suggest putting a space between the title of the episode and the date you plan to post it. (This applies to all of the upcoming episodes on the list.)


Review for Episode 4 – Return to Saurus Rock

I actually thought this chapter was okay, though I do agree with many of Pterano’s points on the flyer attack; namely, that the scenes felt like filler with no real bearing on the plot. The question of why these two flyers suddenly attacked the valley was never answered, and seeing four of the characters receive rather unpleasant (if minor) injuries left me wondering what happened to them next, especially the Professor, since his wound was evidently severe enough that he sacrificed some of his own clothing for a bandage. (Even if he brought additional clothes with him in his backpack or something, I can’t imagine he has many shirts.) Did the other characters need treatment as well?

I was also wondering where Petrie was in this chapter. I thought his absence could have been briefly explained at the beginning of the episode.

Though I can’t tell for certain that it’s not coincidence, the scene where the Professor takes off his shirt (with the dinosaurs believing that he is skinning himself ) seemed awfully similar to a scene in Littlefoot1616’s Battle of the Sacred Essences where the human character does the same thing, though admittedly the dinosaurs’ reaction is what one would expect given their unfamiliarity with the concept of clothing. The professor’s response to Ducky’s scream when she saw him take his shirt off added a bit of original humor, though. By the way, “clothes” is misspelled as “cloths”.

everyone plays the game. Chomper has no problem finding everyone and splashing them.

The beginning of this part should have been capitalized, but more importantly, I think you should have made an actual scene out of the gang playing the game, rather than summarizing it all in this one brief sentence. At the very least, I would have been more descriptive; for instance, mentioning the order in which Chomper tagged everyone, which players he had a harder or easier time catching, and perhaps how the Professor fared playing this game compared to the gang.

The scene where Chomper tries coconut milk (or the juice of a coconut-like fruit, at least) was interesting, and it does reflect the reality that many animals, including carnivores, occasionally obtain nutrition from sources outside their usual diet.

The concept of Saurus Rock being a sacred site for longnecks to go to commune with their dead was an idea I had never thought of before, and liked very much. However, I found myself rather distracted from these scenes by the subplot (B plot?) with the flyers, which had so much action in it that it felt like the climax of the episode, effectively stealing the show from Littlefoot’s spiritual encounter with his grandfather, which really should have been the “peak” of the story. Personally, I think the episode could have been improved if it had focused more on Littlefoot’s side of the story, with the flyer attack substituted for something less dramatic, like the gang pursuing their more-or-less regular daily activities, getting to know the Professor better (and vice versa) in the process. Basically, if you had stuck with the sort of thing the characters were doing in the “coconut” scene, I think the episode would have been better.

Bron: "I remember the stories you told me when I was young, mom. You said that you can talk to loved ones from this very rock."

I realized when I read this line that I had corrected you on Bron not being Littlefoot’s grandparents’ son long after this chapter was posted. Therefore, I cannot fault you on Bron referring to Grandma Longneck as “mom”.

This exchange after the sharptooth flyer hits the side of a cliff while carrying Cera…

Professor: "Did you hurt the cliff?"

Cera: Tries to get up and charge at the Professor, but trips and doesn't get up. "uuh, I'll get you later."

…hilarious!

Even though the sharptooth flyers attacked the gang with the intention of eating them, I think watching Chomper kill them (and later, knowing that he had eaten them) would be rather disturbing for the rest of the gang. At the very least, I think they would feel uncomfortable around him afterwards, knowing that he had just killed and eaten a dinosaur like them (even if it was a sharptooth, and, technically, a pterosaur ).

With luck, I'll have my review for Episode 5 in shortly after I cast my votes for the GOF Awards (which I'm hoping will be sometime this weekend).

[vonboy]

Thanks for the review Pangaea

And thanks for getting worked up about the "Chomper eating the flyer" Part! I wrote that in on purpose to make people scratch their heads. I left it ambiguous by not explaining HOW it happened. I thought maybe it would get people to think about it and ask questions. Thanks for that Pangaea, that was what I was going for!

And while you and Pterano are looking over my first season, I'm keeping tabs on it and making a list of things I'm going to be doing to certain episodes in that season when I revamp it someday. I was really wanting feedback on how to make it better, and I'm grateful that I'm getting it. Thanks guys!

I feel like I can talk about this now, so I will.

Since the Fanfiction Awards are ending on August 1st, I plan to start this series back up sometime in early August(Don't have a date yet.). I'm still writing up new episodes, and I'm hoping I can get a few of them done before I start the season back up again, that way I'll have a lot of breathing room, and won't be writing what's do out that week. I also think that's a lot more realistic compared to a real TV series, because the scripts will be written up in advance, liek they would for an actual TV series.

Also, I'll say that episode 21 - "The Meat Hits the Fan" Is basically the mid-season special. I'm making this an hour-long special, so it'll be twice as long as one of my regular episodes! A lot of stuff is going to be going on in it, and it's gonna be epic!

That's it for now...