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The Line

Fyn16 · 9 · 2001

Fyn16

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So, this is my response to The Wasp's prompt challenge, issued to both Rhombus and myself. The content herein is not overly graphic, and there isn't any harsh language, but I still feel that you should consider it a T. At least that's kind of how I felt writing it. I decided to incorporate Wasp's prompt directly into the narrative, and I experimented this time with telling the tale from a first-person perspective (I've been reading a lot of Poe lately). So, as a rehash before I launch into this, let's recap the prompt, shall we?

"Where does one draw the line in the sand? Often times good and bad are seen as mutually exclusive. But the gray clouds often blur those differences until one day you find yourself unable to tell whether or not you've stayed above the abyss, or already gone over it. And then it's too late."

There's a chasm beyond the Valley walls, a dark one with but a single, fallen tree spanning its vast, empty expanse. Come, let's walk it together. Let's walk the line.

...and let's get it over with so I can go back to writing sappy romance for this month's challenge!
 :cry

Spikedome: Stygimoloch

The Line

“Tell me your story, Farwalker...”


Where do we draw the line?

What acts are so heinous that, even with the threat of death looming, they must not be performed?

What separates us from the Sharpteeth? By what right are we really considered more virtuous than they?


I never asked myself these questions before. I never knew that I would need to, but I ask them now, every waking hour of my life, and to date, I have not found an answer.

My herd is a small and humble community. We Spikedomes prided ourselves on our lush feeding grounds for many generations. Just a few months ago, I became a proud father of a beautiful daughter. My mate and I named her Lachys. She was the only one of her siblings to hatch; most of our eggs were stolen during an Egg Stealer raid. We treasured her like nothing we’d ever known before. Neither storm nor Sharptooth would separate us.

But that resolve was tested when the Three-Clawed-Sharpteeth pushed into our grounds to feed. Many of my brothers and sisters fled; others still were devoured, unable to run quickly enough to avoid the snapping teeth and gaping maws. I was lucky. My family and I made it out safely, the first night. Our young daughter, barely old enough to understand what was going on, made it out with us. Many of the other children were not as lucky.

Those of us who survived met to plan our next move. We knew our home was no longer hours, and we could not hope to return as long as the Sharpteeth remained. Our only choice was to strike out on our own, in the hope of finding refuge in the Great Valley, a place many of us knew from the words of Farwalkers. They appointed me as the leader. Despite all that’s happened, they still call me that. I have no choice but to shamefully respond to the title. If I could, I would cast it to the fires of the Smoking Mountain without a moment’s hesitation. But I digress.

Our journey was peaceful, and far shorter than that of most who make the pilgrimage. Our kind knew the way; the path to the Valley is no secret now. With my mate and little Lachys by my side, I led them on, past Sinking Sands, over crumbling precipices, through roaring, raging water. We were an indomitable group. Nothing the Beyond could throw at us kept us down, and before long, we looked back on our old feeding grounds as a happy memory, a thing of the past to be cherished, but ultimately cast aside.

But there was one challenge that I could not have prepared for. I knew they were following us shortly after we passed the Longneck-Rock: Sharpteeth. Fast Biters, to be precise. Stalky, striped, miserable creatures with eyes that glowed like green fire in the night, and claws so sharp they could cut through bone, or so we believed. Every night as we settled in, I watched them, saw them come creeping over the bluffs, through the grass, around the rocks to watch us intently. And every night, as my eyes met theirs, they would quietly slink away. I could hear the “click, click” of their claws upon the ground. It is a sound I hear even now. It keeps me up at night as I remember that awful noise, and the terrible, glowing eyes.

This went on for several nights. Each night the others would lie down to sleep, and each night I would stay up and keep watch. I remember Lachys asking me one night why I did it. I didn’t dare tell her the truth. I told her only that I had trouble sleeping sometimes, and this seemed enough of an answer for her young mind.  

She wasn’t the only one. The others grew suspicious of me, too- such is the burden of a herd leader tasked with the well-being of his kin- but I did not dare tell them of the terrible creatures that pursued us. Hanging Rock was not far, and I knew that just beyond that lay the Great Valley. We would lose them in the mountains, where our sure-footedness would surely trump theirs. This was my plan. Had we made it that far, perhaps it would have worked.

But we did not make it that far. We had only just passed Hanging Rock when they struck. I led us to the side of a stream where we were to stop for the night. While the others went about preparing their sleeping areas, I kept a watchful eye out, as I always did.

I cannot even begin to describe the fear I felt when they appeared- not from behind us, as I expected, but to the sides, coming at us from the tall grass that surrounded us. Looking back, I was a fool to suggest sleeping in such a place, but at the time, I was confident we would arrive safely at the Valley the next morning. I locked up at the sight of their sharp, glistening teeth, and those piercing eyes, but only for a moment. Thank the stars above, only for a moment.

They had a small amount of distance to cover before they were upon us, so I ordered everyone to their feet. They knew exactly what was happening, and how to react. We ran, and Lachys stuck tight to my side as we fled the resting-area. We could hear their screeching, their horrible howls behind us, but none of us dared to look back, for we knew that if we did, our pace would slow, and that would be the end. It was the same mistake the rest of us made at our old feeding grounds- those who looked back at the Sharpteeth were always the first to be eaten, and we were survivors. We knew better. We ran on, never daring to turn and fight. Our domes and horns are formidable, true, but they are no match for a killing-claw.

Ahead of us, the land sloped down, gently at times but also steeply in other places. We followed the river, followed its winding path down into the rocky canyons that border the very edges of the Great Valley, just outside the Mountains that Burn. In those rocky passes, where the slightest misstep could lead to a disastrous stumble and sure death we lost them. I personally gave the all-clear call just as the Night Circle began to rise, but I knew better than to trust the Fast Biters to simply give up. They were patient enough to follow us for days; they would easily have enough patience to hang back one more night.

We carried on. By now, we had covered nearly half a day’s distance by running. My daughter was tired. In truth, we all were, but we had to keep going, even if it was at a slow walk. The Fast Biters had proven to us that rest was dangerous. Our only hope was to reach the Great Valley before they caught up to us, but it seemed fate had other plans in store.

We reached a point, shortly, where the river dropped down into a steep waterfall. The path to the sides was slippery, and a near-vertical climb, but with the canyon walls on either side as steep as they were, it was the most efficient way forward. Lachys clung to me as I lowered myself down. I could feel her heartbeat, the warmth of her skin; it was these things that made me go on. Had I been alone when the Fast Biters attacked, or even as we made our way down that near-vertical path, I honestly do not know if I could have continued forward, so exhausted was I. But I did it for her. And because of her, I did it for them- all the Spikedomes under my care. Together, we reached the bottom…

And that was when the Fast Biters returned.

They must have picked up our scent, because no sooner had the last of us reached the bottom of the waterfall-path when I saw one of their thin snouts poke over the edge, its tiny nostrils constricting as it breathed in the night air, and our smells with it. It hadn’t spotted us, but once they came over the ledge, they most certainly would. I considered my options.

The waterfall itself was ringed by a stone path around a shallow pool, which flowed further down into a stony clearing, an intersection between the canyons. If we followed the water, we would once more have to run, and they would see us without a doubt. Behind the waterfall, however, carved out over many lifetimes by the water’s force, was a shallow depression. Not a cave, exactly, but a scoop just big enough to fit a herd as small as ours inside. It would be wet, cramped, and generally uncomfortable, but it was our best choice, so I ordered the herd into it. They did what I asked without question, so deep was their trust in me. They even put me in the back, the farthest from the entrance in case the Sharpteeth attacked. I thought of protesting, but there was no time. We could hear them scrambling down the rock, almost as deftly as we had. The speed and agility of those Fast Biters was something I had never seen the like of before. When they left the path, they jumped down, landing silently on the stone, as quiet as a falling leaf, and they began their search.

I could feel Lachys trembling. I held her closer, comforting her, but her shaking was violent, uncontrollable. I feared for what could happen if her terror went unchecked, feared for all of us, but thankfully, she stayed silent, comforted by my embrace.

The Fast Biters were thorough, but not thorough enough, at least not at first. For the first time, I had a good look at the entirety of their pack. There were five of them, five to our eight, and those numbers were more than a match. Each was fully capable of taking down one of us at least, reaffirming my decision not to stand and fight. All we could do was wait below the waterfall as they scoured the area. I believe the water masked our scents, which was probably the only reason they were having such a difficult time. Once I realized this, I began to rest a little easier. They would sweep the area, turn up nothing, and then we could be on my way.

And then I heard it: the faintest hint of a whimper coming from my side. You see, one of the Fast Biters had come very close to our hiding place. It didn’t spot us, but apparently it had been enough to spook Lachys. She began to cry, and I was gripped with a sudden fear. Would they hear her? If she continued to cry, would they approach to investigate? Apparently those of us in the front absolutely believed it because they began to shift uncomfortably, and mutter among themselves.

Worse still, the noise did seem to attract the attention of the Fast Biters. They didn’t appear to know the source, but they doubled back on their search, returning to our side of the clearing. I covered my daughter’s mouth with my hand, to muffle her cries. I wish it had been that simple.

But in the darkness, with those monsters outside, I think her simple, childish mind took some other meaning from it, and she began to cry out louder, kicking her feet as I embraced her tighter. My mate tried to whisper to her, to calm her, but to no avail. The Fast Biters drew closer. I could see the light of their eyes through the water. Lachys, my dear Lachys, began to kick, her little claws scrabbling at the stony floor. The sound was painfully loud; each scratch seemed to usher in doom for us all. My hands moved almost as if they possessed a will of their own. My right moved to cover my mouth, and my left… it moved to cover her nostrils. I squeezed.

Where do we draw the line, the line that must be traced in the sand of our hearts?

I drew my line that night, the moment I felt the life leave the body of my daughter.

She bit and kicked and scratched, but I held her back. The jaws of death hovered right outside our hiding place, almost as if they knew what was happening, and they were laughing at us. Perhaps they were. But there was nothing funny about what I had to do.

I restrained her; others helped me. She struggled hard against my smothering claws, but they held her, keeping her feet from moving, and alerting the Sharpteeth to our presence. Her cries rose in pitch to a muted scream.

There are but a few moments that will forever be burned into my memory: the time I cracked a dome-spine, my first mate-night, the invasion of our feeding grounds…

But I will tell you with absolute certainty that the moment my daughter died in my arms was a moment I shall never forget, as long as I live.

Have you ever held someone in your arms the moment they pass from this world? It is a clear moment, a tangible feeling. There is a tension, one last, desperate cry to cling to life, and then everything is still. The limbs fall limp, the breathing ceases, the eyes roll back, the color leaves the skin… I remember the exact instant my daughter died. I remember the sudden heaviness, the countless eyes upon me, the nodding heads, my mate, shocked, unable to meet my own eyes.  

I clung to her; one final, desperate embrace, as the Sharpteeth closed in. It felt as if they were looking right at us, but the return to silence had apparently been enough for them. They barked orders to one another, and then retreated. Eventually, we were once again alone in the clearing, with only the Night Circle’s light to keep us company.

They thanked me, said that because of my selfless actions, the whole herd had been saved that night. As they left the cave, it seemed each in turn had something to say, some measure of thanks to give for my “sacrifice.”

I did not listen.

Instead, I continued to hold my daughter, even as the cold seeped into her bones, I held her, clinging to one last, feeble attempt to win her back, but the stars are jealous, proud things. They would not give her back to me.

And so that night, as we made our way here, I cursed the stars, but for every curse I hurled at them, I cursed myself twofold.

We never saw the Fast Biters again. I wonder if they were ever even there to begin with. Were they real, or had some specter, some last great challenge, come to test the herd that had survived so much before the Valley? I cannot say, but I hope beyond hope that they were real.

We left her there, in that depression below the waterfall, and it is there her body will rest.

The others praise me for it, they say my actions confirm their decision to make me herd leader. They say that this is proof that I can make the difficult choices; this does not reassure me. I don’t want to make those choices. I don’t want to make a choice like that ever again. My mate hasn’t spoken to me since that night. Now, I don’t know that she ever will. Did I really do the right thing? I wonder, now, if we could have fought them off. Perhaps I owed it to my daughter- to Lachys- to try, but there’s really no going back now, is there?  

I drew a line that night, but it was not a line in the sand. It was a line traced in the cold, dry stone of my heart. It is a line that I will never be able to stamp out. Sand is impermanent, but stone- that will outlast even the strongest of us. I know that I will carry what I did that night to my death-day. I expect no forgiveness for my actions, no sympathy- I am a murderer.



“Even now I realize that I am not welcome among these safe, green walls. I would not ask you to take me in, but I beg of you- allow my herd to stay. It is the best I can ask for.”

Littlefoot looked down at the wretched creature before him. Tears brimmed on the suface of his eyes, but the Spikedome had none. Perhaps, he considered, noting his hollow stare, his thin, trembling physique, he simply had no more tears to shed.

For the first time since he’d taken on the duty of greeting other herds, Littlefoot was at a loss. The killing of one’s own blood was a terrible crime, one that the Valley’s residents would not tolerate, and yet looking down at the newcomer, the absolute emptiness in his gaze, he knew that there was more to it than that.

“Your herd can most certainly stay,” he said, getting the easier part of his decision out of the way. The Spikedome nodded humbly, gesturing toward his herd. Slowly and silently, they moved past him, like Scaly Swimmers avoiding a rock in the river. He heard murmurs among them, some even looked at him with sad smiles. But when the last of them left, a brightly colored female, he saw that she never returned his gaze. Her eyes were downcast, and they remained that way as she walked away from him.

“Thank you, gracious leader,” the Spikedome said, bowing his head again. His voice rattled, a dry, reedy sound like the wind blowing through the tall grass.

Littlefoot considered everything as he prepared to make his next decision. He considered his friends, his mother, his grandparents, the other members of the Valley. What would they think of this? Would they ever truly see the same utterly beaten creature in front of him? Would they ever know what it was like to smother their own, only child? He hoped they wouldn’t, and in that moment he wished to be anywhere but here.

“Spikedome, my decision is not made without careful consideration. I have heard your story, I have seen your herd, and know the evidence exists in the way they carry themselves, and the way they meet your eyes. I know what you say is true. Bearing that in mind, this is my final decision…”


rhombus

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This is truly one of the darkest one-shots in the Land Before Time fandom, but it shines in expressing the harsh choices that desperate times often necessitate.  While reading this story I couldn't help but to think about stories I have heard of survivors who had to make similar killings in order to escape patrols.  The history books teem with examples from the Holocaust, the Ukrainian Famine, and The Great Leap Forward in China where people had to either smother those who cried out (as in this story) or resort to other horrible acts (like deciding on which child would be able to eat) in order to prevent the deaths of even more people through inaction.

I also liked how you left it as a cliffhanger, letting the reader decide for themselves what Littlefoot has decided.  Though, for the life of me, I hope that Littlefoot had more good sense and rationality that the moral busybody that recently reviewed your story on fanfiction.net and decided that this dinosaur's necessary action was still subject to condemnation.  With people like that, I wonder how they feel about soldiers who have to do terrible things in war, like bomb a building in order to take out people firing on them even though it ends up killing civilians.  Would they condemn those veterans as well?  What about survivors of a genocide who have to smother screaming children lest they be captured?  What about people starving to death who have to resort to cannibalizing those who have the least chance of survival?  I think such arrogant moralizing is something that can only happen in a plentiful society where so many are detached from the harsh realities of life.  With the situations and hard choices that Littlefoot has been through in his life, I suspect he will make a far more merciful decision than that. He knows better than most that sometimes hard actions must be made for the greater good.

The experimentation in this story was also quite nice, though I fear the first-person telling of the story did cause some of the emotional impact to be dampened somewhat in the early parts of the story.  Though, when we get to the actual kill, the first-person perspective shines in expressing the emotional anguish of that moment.  I might have to do a first-person perspective at some point as well, as I have never tried that perspective before.  Overall, I think this was a good first attempt at this technique.


Go ahead and check out my fanfictions, The Seven Hunters, Songs of the Hunters, and Menders Tale.


DarkWolf91

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Very well done! I've also gained an interest in writing in the first person after reading some of Robin Hobb's (pen name) stuff. It has a lot of potential for getting in close with a main character's impressions and misconceptions, which you've taken full advantage of here. You've also managed to handle the subject of death with an inspiring respect for life, which I think adds to the impact of the overall story greatly. I feel nothing but sympathy for our grieving anti-hero, and I'm left wondering if he'll want to stay in the great valley even if Littlefoot permits it. Some things you can't ever stop running from.



Sneak

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dammit...
this story is sick... гг

and beautifully written.

Though why did he told that to Littlefoot before asking for haven for his herd? He wanted to be judged immediately?


Fyn16

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Quote from: Snik,Feb 10 2017 on  01:41 PM

Though why did he told that to Littlefoot before asking for haven for his herd? He wanted to be judged immediately?
It's not so much as he wanted to as he had no choice. I cut out a part at the beginning with some exposition for the sake of artistic style; all that remains is the quote from (as of yet unrevealed) Littlefoot: "tell me your story, Farwalker."

This established that Littlefoot was charged with deciding whether herds could or could not enter the Valley, a role I could easily see him filling.


The Wasp

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Well, I'm sufficiently impressed.

It's actually not quite as dark as I thought it would be, but definitely up there. Just some observations.

1) I like the way you used the domeheads or spikedomes as you call them. They're a dinosaur not frequently featured in the LBT universe and that makes it all the more intriguing.

2) I enjoy your use of imagery and language. They're top notch in my opinion.

3) Reading the part where the daughter won't stop struggling and screaming. Wow...you really picked the most fucked up dilemma a parent could have. The suffocation and strangling...that was hard to read. But as I stated to Rhombus when I first read the Seven Hunters, it's a good kind of hard read. Really makes you think and contemplate the situation in your mind. "What if I was placed in that situation? Would I do the same?"

The role you place Littlefoot here is a good one. It's a job I can see him having. He is the most trustworthy of the five and a great leader. I assume he's of teenage age in this story and significantly bigger?

Anyway, great job with this. I'll be sure to review it on fanfiction as well.


Sovereign

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This was a great if a sad read. The overall style narrative worked well and the way you described the initial journey and the lands the spikedomes went through efficiently while using the established locations. The tension before Lachys' death were done excellently. The danger and the atmosphere around those moments... they were just perfect. The main character's choice was a terrifying one and you handled it in a believable way while still retaining its terrifying implications. The aftermath of Lachys' passing was heartbreaking and you could really feel the spikedome's guilt and the internal struggle afterwards. I also pretty much liked the ending even if it was a bit quick and simple. It let the reader judge main character's deeds for themselves without forcing the reader's opinion to any direction which was a great choice. I honestly can't answer the question if the spikedome's deed was right as I doubt no one can before they've been in his position. The terror and sadness of the "murder" itself and the spikedome's words after it were just great... I especially liked the main character's second thoughts about the fastbiters' existence: ambiguoity of great danger or threat always brings a welcome if sad psychological dimension to a story. It let the scene become more surreal and haunting for the grieving father. An excellent narrative and a dark ethical dilemma left to the reader made this story really become horrifying, somewhat depressing while still invoking sympathy towards the main character. Amazing job with this story!  :yes




Fyn16

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A thousand "thank you"s to all of you! This is now the most reviewed story I've ever published (or rather reviewed by the most people), which really means a lot to me! I'll try to get some proper responses up when I get home from work later, but until then, thank you again for reading what I have written.

Later!

-Fyn


Fyn16

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Quote from: rhombus,Feb 9 2017 on  09:41 PM
The experimentation in this story was also quite nice, though I fear the first-person telling of the story did cause some of the emotional impact to be dampened somewhat in the early parts of the story.  Though, when we get to the actual kill, the first-person perspective shines in expressing the emotional anguish of that moment.  I might have to do a first-person perspective at some point as well, as I have never tried that perspective before.  Overall, I think this was a good first attempt at this technique.
Many thanks for the detailed review, Rhombus, as well as looking it over before I actually released it! The story was indeed based off of those exact historical precedents. It still sickens me to know that the inspiration behind this story was and still is very real. That a parent would be forced to make the decision to end their child's life for the greater good is both frightening and deeply sorrowful, and it's a decision no mother or father should ever have to make.

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DarkWolf91:Very well done! I've also gained an interest in writing in the first person after reading some of Robin Hobb's (pen name) stuff. It has a lot of potential for getting in close with a main character's impressions and misconceptions, which you've taken full advantage of here. You've also managed to handle the subject of death with an inspiring respect for life, which I think adds to the impact of the overall story greatly. I feel nothing but sympathy for our grieving anti-hero, and I'm left wondering if he'll want to stay in the great valley even if Littlefoot permits it. Some things you can't ever stop running from.

You bring up a good point, and one that particularly haunted me long after I submitted this. I'd like to believe that Littlefoot made the right choice, and welcomed the Spikedome into the Valley, but even if he did, would that change anything? I honestly don't know. Our protagonist is utterly broken by the end of this, with little to no chance of ever going back to his mate. One wonders what sort of long-term effects something like this would have; this is how some villains are born, after all.


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Snik: dammit...
this story is sick... гг

and beautifully written.

Sick indeed. Rhombus can probably attest to how mopey I was during the writing process. The original idea for this prompt was much lighter, dealing with the backstory of one of my OCs, Rear the Austroraptor, but I figured writing a dark story about Sharpteeth is... a tad easy? Maybe that's not the right way to put it, but there are so few dark leaf eater tales out there that I had to try. Turns out, atrocities committed by leaf eaters can be just as impactful as those of Sharpteeth, if not more so. I did not feel good about publishing this story, but I certainly felt satisfied. This is an idea I've had for a while now, and the prompt challenge finally gave me the chance to implement it, for better or worse.

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The Wasp: Well, I'm sufficiently impressed.

It's actually not quite as dark as I thought it would be, but definitely up there. Just some observations.

Quite right. During the development I did consider some even darker possibilities, but in my opinion there's a fine line between tragedy that is impactful and shock value, and it is a line that I see crossed by fanfiction writers quite frequently. Violence, gore, tragedy- they absolutely need to serve a purpose, otherwise the meaning is lost and the events therein become nothing more than meaningless fodder. Rhombus's "Seven Hunters" does well with this, always having a reason behind its darker scenes, and I hope my own fic, "Fields Afar," does the same. You can only go so dark before the audience starts to see through the act.

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Sovereign: It let the reader judge main character's deeds for themselves without forcing the reader's opinion to any direction which was a great choice. I honestly can't answer the question if the spikedome's deed was right as I doubt no one can before they've been in his position. The terror and sadness of the "murder" itself and the spikedome's words after it were just great... I especially liked the main character's second thoughts about the fastbiters' existence: ambiguoity of great danger or threat always brings a welcome if sad psychological dimension to a story.

I love the mental aspect to tales like this. They're a particular favorite of Stephen King, a writer I often try to draw inspiration from. Often the mind can be a character in and of itself. Being alone and listening to your own thoughts is proof enough of that. There's enough evidence in the story to prove that the Fast Biters were real, at least to the narrator, but what happens when the faintest shred of doubt creeps in? In the face of something horrendous, we start to look inward when we cannot decide where to place our blame, even if that means believing a lie. I have no doubt that he'll spend the rest of his life pondering whether the raptors were real or imagined; it is not an enviable circumstance, for sure.

Thank you, all of you, again for your reviews! It feels good to have reached out to a wider audience than usual, and I'm glad I could provide something that you... well, perhaps "enjoyed" is not the correct term here. Had an enlightening experience, perhaps? I dunno. Well, you experienced it. Let's leave it at that. Thank you for your feedback, your time, and most of all for participating in this awesome new forum event. Have a good one!

-Fyn