PAST-O-RAMA

[Pterano]

Alright! Excellent work! I liked the scene where they hit the dead end. It was reminiscent of what happened to the herd back then. It really flowed like a TV episode as well. Your pacing was excellent.

A few grammatical corrections that I saw though (hope you don't mind ^^;):

You use fly's quite a bit, though it should be flies. Apostrophe S indicates possession, like Littlefoot's rock. Fly can't possess something, so it'll be flies.

You also use their a few time when it should be they're. They are the bad flyers. They're the bad flyers. Their generally indicates something that belongs to "them". Their house. Their eggs. Their nest. Ruby with "Their gaining on us" should be "They're gaining on us." I think these are tricky though, so I hope I explained it OK. XD

And one last thing. Your and you're. You're is a contraction of you are, your is something "you" own. Your cave. Your tree. Your TV. "So, Chomper is your name?" was correct. Pterano saying "Oh dear, your right" should be "you're right".

Hope you don't mind! Was just trying to help you polish up the grammar a bit. Some of those can sometimes be hard. On the good side, you did a GREAT job with the pacing, as I really felt as if I were "watching" a TV show as I read along. Your action was good too. Lots of good twists and turns. You kept it complex and interesting, and made me want to keep reading. You're really good at hooking your reader, I'll say that!

Looking forward to the next one. I wonder who this evil swimmer is. I'd say you already have me hooked.  

[Pangaea]

Hello again! Well, the good news is, I finally got around to reviewing Episode 1, which, as promised, I have posted here. I was hoping to review the first chapter of the new season and post it here, but I have places to go today, so I don’t have time this morning.

I feel bad, however: Not only have I taken so long to start reviewing, but I also missed your birthday! As apologies for both, I have left you a little something special in your star day thread that I hope you’ll like. Go over and check it out!

[vonboy]

Thanks for the review and the grammar help, Pterano! Yeah, I was going exactly for the herd scene when I wrote that. I wanted people to read it and think "Pterano, NO! What are you doing!?"

And very nice review/critique, Pangaea! I checked, it's almost as long as the episode itself! I didn't think you would find THAT many grammar and punctuation problems, but what do I know. Looks like I'll be re-reediting the first season again, lol. I see what you mean about not really introducing the characters, or having them do anything. I'll be interested when you review the first episode of this season, to see if you think I've improved in any aspects of writing/storytelling. Thanks Pangaea, this review will be a lot of help to me.

[vonboy]

Um, this week's episode is a little...weird. Let's see if it's good or not. Cookies for the one who names the show and episode I got this idea from!
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Episode 16 - The Most Evil Swimmer

EEEEEVVVVVIIIIILLLLLL!!!!!!!!!

Scene: The Great Valley.

The Gang are practicing for a play, while the Professor and Chomper are a ways away, talking amongst each other. Mr. Thicknose is watching the Gang practice.

Ducky: "Help!"

Ruby: "Grr! Your mine now!"

Ducky: "Oh no no no!"

Cera: "Cut!"

Ducky: "What is wrong, Cera?"

Cera: "You don't look very scared, Ducky. We have to make this look convincing!"

Ducky:" Oh...okay."

Cera: "Let's try this again."

Ducky: "Oh no no no!"

Ruby picks up Ducky, and acts like she's about to eat her. Littlefoot comes bursting out of some bushes.

Littlefoot: "Unhand her, you foul beast!"

Ruby: Fake growls. "So, it's you!"

Ducky: "Thunderfoot, my hero!"

Littlefoot: "That's right! Your terrorizing ways are over, sharptooth!"

Ruby: "Not this time!"

Ducky tries to scream, but it's not very load. She also cuts it off early because she didn't take in enough air.

Cera: "Cut!"

Littlefoot: "What now?"

Cera: "It's Ducky again. She just isn't doing it right!"

Littlefoot: "Well, she's doing the best she can."

Cera: "Well, it's just not good enough! And where is our sharptooth?"

Ruby: "I thought I was the sharptooth, since I was here acting like a sharptooth."

Cera: "No, Chomper's supposed to be our sharptooth, but he's too busy talking to the Professor over there."

Littlefoot: "They've been talking to each other a lot lately."

Cera: "Humpth! This story is going all wrong right now! We'll never have it ready in time!"

Camera pans to the Professor and Chomper.

Professor: He has his communicator set to sharptooth, while he talks quitly with Chomper. <So, how has it been being away from your parents?>

Chomper: <Okay, I guess.>

Professor: <Don't you miss them?>

Chomper: <Of course I do. Everyday. But it isn't so bad, because I have family here!>

Professor: <What do you mean?>

Chomper: <Littlefoot is almost a brother to me. Ruby is my sister, I guess.>

Professor: <Ah, I see. And Topsy's your grouchy old uncle!>

Chomper: <And your my Dad!>

They both laugh.

Chomper: <Still, I miss those days with my real Dad.>

Professor: <Hmm?>

Chomper: <Sometimes we'd spend days away. He'd always say I was getting better at hunting!> He covers his mouth. <Uh, I didn't mean to say that.>

Professor: <It's quite alright, Chomper. I find this kind of stuff so fascinating!>

Chomper: <Really?>

Professor: <Of course!>

Chomper: <I don't want to hunt anyone here.>

Professor: <I know that!>

Chomper: <But still, it'd be nice if I had something a little bigger than ground crawlers around here to eat.>

Professor: <Hmm, Perhaps there is something here for you to eat.>

Chomper: <There is?>

Professor: <Yes, just let me look for some. I'll be back.> He walks off.

Chomper: Waving. <Bye, Professor!>

The camera pans back to the rest of the Gang.

Littlefoot: "I don't want to sound mean either, but you just aren't very good at this, Ducky."

Cera: "We want this to be a good show for the grownups, and your not helping!"

Ducky: "Oh...Okay then." She walks off.

Mr. Thicknose: Walking up to the group. "What did you do that for?"

Cera: "She was making the story awful!"

Mr. Thicknose: "Well, yes, but that's no reason to kick her off of it. How do you think she feels?"

Littlefoot: "I think she's taking it pretty well, don't you think?"

Scene: Close to the swimmer's nest, at night. There's a lightning storm, and rain is falling.

Ducky is standing close to the Watering Hole, looking at her reflection in the water.

Ducky: "The World is not fair. I do so much for them. I get kidnapped for them, I bait sharpteeth for them. I almost get eated for them. I never act like the leader. I always do what some body else wants to do. " She turns around. "But...They do not seem to thank me for it very much. I almost get eated, and Chomper plays a joke on me. And now, they do not let me play with them."

A bolt of lighting streaks across the sky, and Ducky turns back around to look in the water.

Ducky: "Well, who needs them, who does?"

She starts to walk along the banks of the watering hole.

Ducky: "And if they do not act like they want me, then I will not act like I want them, I won't!"

She stops for a moment. An evil smile starts to form on her face.

Ducky: "In fact, maybe they need to be tough a lesson!"

She looks over the water, while another bolt of lightning streaks across the sky behind her.

Ducky: "Tomorrow is going to be fun, Yup...Yup...Yup!"

--------------------------------<Commercial break>------------------------------

Scene: The Great Valley, the next morning.

Littlefoot, Ruby, Chomper and Cera are practicing their play again.

Chomper: "You might have beaten me, Thunderfoot, but you're no match for Sapphire!"

Ruby walks up to the other two actors.

Ruby: "That's right, foolish longneck!"

Chomper: Rubbing his stomach, and talking to himself. "Gee, the Professor sure is taking a long time!"

Littlefoot: "I won't let you have her!"

Ruby: "Very well then, let this be our final battle!"

Cera: "Cut!"

Littlefoot: Sighs. "What is it this time?"

Cera: "Where's Ruby's stick?"

Ruby: "Stick? What is this stick you speak off?"

Ducky sticks her head out of a nearby bush. She's thinking to herself.

Ducky: "It was me, friends!"

A small scene shows next to Ducky as she continues. It is of Ducky digging a hole.

Ducky: "It was I who stole that stick. I knew I had to do something with it, so I dug a big whole, and dropped that stick in, yep yep yep! You'll never see your precious stick again! Your little story is ruined, it is!"

Camera pans back to the rest of the Gang. Littlefoot walks over to Ruby, holding another stick in his mouth.

Littlefoot: In a garbled voice. "Here, try this one."

Ruby: "Oh, thank you Littlefoot!"

Ducky gets a look of surprise on her face, and then one of anger.

Ducky: "So, You think you can out smart me? Think again, please do!"

She goes back into the bush.

Scene: The Watering Hole in the Great Valley.

A fish is swimming through the water. It jumps out of the water. It comes up to the surface, when a flyers beak snatches it up. The flyer is Pterano. He flys up from the water, lands on the banks of the pond, and swallows his lunch whole.

Pterano: "Not bad!"

The Professor comes walking in on the old flyer.

Professor: "What are you up to?"

Pterano: "Just a little fishing. It's really quite fun."

Professor: "I used to fish too, you now."

Pterano: "You!?" He chuckles. "How do you even catch any?"

Professor: "With my bare hands, that's how!"

Pterano: "Oh really? Somehow I find that hard to believe!"

Professor: "I'll show you!" He takes his shirt off, and walks over into the water.

Pterano: With a look of shock.. "What did you just do?"

Professor: "Huh? Ah yes, ask the kids about it. They know."

Pterano: "Oh...Okay now."

A fish lazily skims around in the water. The hands of the Professor ram loudly into the water, after the fish, but miss. Pterano gets a smirk and laughs lightly. The Professor goes back for a second time. He misses again, falling over into the water.

Pterano: "Whats this about being good at fishing?"

Professor: "I'm just a little out of practice, that's all."

The professor goes back for a third try. He see's a particularly large fish deeper in the water, and he slowly wades in that direction. He bends down slightly to prepare himself, and lunges his arms in the water after the fish. He grabs the fish, but it pulls him over and under the water. The Professor stick his head out of the water, coughing.

Professor: "This isn't how I remembered it!"

The Professor wades out of the water, and sits down on the banks of the water, next to Pterano. Pterano rolls his eyes.

Professor: "It's no use."

Pterano takes off to the water off screen. Some splashing is heard, and a fish falls out of the sky into the Professor's lap.

Professor: "Huh? Where did this come from?"

Pterano: Landing next to the Professor. "Just a little something for your troubles."

Professor: "Thanks, Pterano!"

The Professor gets up with the fish in his hands, and starts to walk off.

Pterano: "Aren't you going to eat it?"

Professor: "It's not for me. It's for a friend!"

Pterano: Whispering to himself. "What a weird little thing that creature is."

Scene: The Great Valley, in the afternoon.

Littlefoot and Cera are practicing yet again. Ali and the Professor are watching. Chomper walks up to the Professor.

Chomper: "Hey, thanks for the fish!"

Professor: "Don't mention it! I got the idea after watching Pterano a few days ago. I didn't know anyone in the Valley fished like that."

Chomper: "You'll have to teach me how to catch one sometime."

Professor: "That would be great. But, right now we need to get back to the story!"

Cera: "Places, everyone!"

Littlefoot runs off, while Chomper runs up to the camera.

Chomper: "Now that I have her where I want her, it's time for dinner!"

Littlefoot: "Not this time!"

Chomper: "Thunderfoot!"

Littlefoot: "You won't get away with this!"

Chomper: "Nonsense! I've got her now!"

Chomper tries to reach behind him at Ruby, but no one is there. He falls over instead.

Chomper: "Hey, where's Ruby?"

Cera: "Humpth! How should I know!"

Littlefoot: "She was supposed to be back after lunch."

A little ways in the distance, Ducky sticks her head out from behind a rock.

Ducky: "I really have to hand it to myself, I do! This was my best plan yet!"

A scene of Ruby relaxing in some mud shows up next to Ducky's head.

Ducky: "Let me see, I led Ruby away from everyone else, and said she could relax in the hot mud! That stuff does something to you, yes it does. She is probably still in there, without a care in the world! She must have forgot all about that little story, yup!"

Professor: Looking at some papers. "What are we supposed to do? I wrote a damsel in distress into the script!"

Ducky: "Your little story cannot go on without someone there to be in trouble, no no no!"

Ali: "Could I be the girl that's in trouble?"

Cera: "I don't think..."

Littlefoot: "Well sure you can, that's a great idea!"

Ducky turns and sits down with her back to the rock.

Ducky: "Ali, you are a sly one, you are! But, I will not let this stop me. No, I will just have to try harder."

She sits there, thinking for a moment, then gets back up.

Ducky: "I know!" She laughs evily. "Oh Ducky, that is just horrible, it is!"

--------------------------------<Commercial break>------------------------------

Scene: The Great Valley, the next day, close to the Watering hole.

Littlefoot, Cera, Ali and Chomper are about to finish up the story, with the Professor here to look at how it's going.

Professor: "Alright, here's the new draft of the story script." He tries to shove papers in Littlefoot's face.

Littlefoot: "Professor, you know I can't read, right?"

Professor: "Oh, then maybe you should learn sometime! Anyway, this script is about the same as the last one really."

Cera: "We gonna run through it already?"

Ducky walks up to the gang, with a slightly evil smirk on her face. Nobody seems to notice.

Ducky: "Hello, my friends!"

Cera: "Hey"

Chomper: "Hi, Ducky!"

Ducky: "So, I hear you are about to practice at the story again, right?

Ali: "That's right, Ducky. I think we really almost have it down this time!"

Ducky: "Well, just before you start, would you want to come see something?"

Littlefoot: "Sure. I mean I guess so."

Cera: "What is it?"

Ducky: "Something that will be fun. Yup...yup...yup. Very fun...for me."

Littlefoot: "Ducky, are you talking kind of weird?"

Ducky: "No, I always talk like this. Now, this way!"

Ducky leads the Gang to two trees that are dragged over and tied down.

Ducky: "Just stand right here, my little friends!"

Cera: "Who are you calling little?"

The Gang try to stand at the stop Ducky points at, but they don't get close enough.

Ducky: "No no no! You are doing it all wrong!

Littlefoot: "What do you mean, Ducky?"

Ducky: "You have to stand-"

Ducky steps on her own trap, and gets flinged into the air.

Ducky: "-HHHEEEEERRRRREEE!"

Ducky lands in the water.

Chomper: "Ducky! Are you alright?"

Ducky: "Oh, I give up, I do."

Littlefoot: "Give up? At what?"

Ducky: "At being evil."

Ali: "Evil?"

Littlefoot: "But, you're such a nice swimmer!"

Ducky: "Yeah, I know."

Chomper: "Is some of the Professor rubbing off on you?"

The Professor Laughs maniacally.

Ducky: "It is just, You really made me angry when you kicked me out of the story."

Cera: "Well, you was a stinker!"

Littlefoot: "Cera!"

Cera: "Just telling it how it is, Littlefoot."

Ducky: "Well, I guess I will be going back to my nest now." She turns around and starts to walk away.

Littlefoot: "Hey, wait up a second Ducky!"

Ducky turns around, and slowly walks up close to Littlefoot.

Ducky: "What is it, Littlefoot?"

Littlefoot: "Maybe we COULD use you in the story."

Ducky: "Really? As who?"

Littlefoot: "The bad guy!"

Ducky: "But, I just told you, I am not good at being bad."

Littlefoot: "But you are good at pretending you are bad, and that's just what we need!"

Professor: Pulls a paper and pencil out of his backpack, and sighs. "Looks like I'll be re-writing the whole script...for the tenth time."

Scene: The Great Meeting Circle, at nighttime.

Grownups are crowded around the meeting circle, murmuring among themselves.

Ducky's Mom: "I wonder what they came up with this time?"

Grandma Longneck: "I heard something about what your little one will do."

Ducky's Mom: "Really?"

Mr. Thicknose walks up to the front of the group.

Mr. Thicknose: "Welcome, everyone, to another story telling night! When Grandpa Longneck passed on, storytelling night was never the same, But it hasn't been all bad! Ever since then, the kids have decided to step up, and do a little story telling of their own! Tonight, we have a very different story, about a swimmer whose a little...dare I say, evil? Hope you all enjoy it!

Mr. Thicknose walks off from in front of the grownups, while Ali walks up.

Ali: "Ah, What a glorious day for a stroll! I think I'll go look for a snack."

Ali walks over to a conveniently placed pile of treestars, while Ducky walks up. She keeps her distance from Ali.

Ducky: "Heh heh heh, That is the longneck I have been looking for, it is!"

Chomper: Walking up next to Ducky. "Can I have it, boss?"

Ducky: "Quiet you! You cannot have her, at least not yet. There is some... information I want from her first. Catch her, but do not harm her...yet. Is that clear, is it?"

Chomper: "Yes, boss!"

Chomper runs over and tackles Ali.

Ali: "Ahh! Sharptooth!"

Ali stays on the ground, while Chomper holds his arms around her neck.

Ali: "What's going on?"

Ducky walks up to Ali.

Ducky: "Ah, it is good to see you again, my little friend!"

Ali: "No, it can't be!"

Ducky: "Oh, but it can, oh yes it can!"

Ali: "Evil Professor Ducky! But, I thought you were gone!"

Ducky: "It does take more than a rock slide to take out a evil swimmer! Now, tell me how you got here!"

Ali: "I can't say that!"

Chomper: "It'd be a good idea to tell her, you know!"

Ducky: "I will ask you again. How did you get here?"

Littlefoot charges up to the group proudly.

Littlefoot: "Not this time, Professor!"

Professor: Waking up. "Wha? Was someone talking?"

Ducky: "Thunderfoot! Here to stop me again, I see."

Littlefoot: "Leave this Valley! Your antics aren't welcomed here."

Ducky: "Like I would listen to you, yup. Chomps! Give our little guess, Thunderfood, a good welcome."

Chomper: "My pleasure, boss!"

Chomper charges at Littlefoot, but Littlefoot shifts his weight, and Chomper bounces off.

Ducky: "It is my turn, It is!"

Ducky charges at Littlefoot, and Littlefoot does the same. Littlefoot knocks Ducky aside, and keeps going, crashing into Mr. Threehorn.

Mr. Threehorn: "Humpth! Kids!"

Tria starts to laugh, then the rest of the grownups start to laugh.

Grandma Longneck: "Bravo!"

The grownups continue to laugh, and this infectious laugh gets the Gang laughing as well. The camera pans out, and fades out.

END

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Next week's episode will be called "The Little Leafeater and the Little Biter". This one will be bringing in the tinysauruses.

[Pterano]

Well, this was certainly an interesting episode. XD I don't know what your inspiration was, unfortunately, so I guess I don't get any cookies Well let's see... I wrote down a few things so... *references notes*

OK, your "yours" and "you'res" are looking quite good.   There are two instances in the beginning where you got mixed up though. Chomper saying "your my dad" should be "You're" as it's you are my dad, a contraction And then Cera saying "your not helping" to Ducky once again should be "you're" as you are not helping. But other than that, looking very clean and tidy with the "yours" and "you'res". Great improvement from last time!   *two thumbs up*

When Ducky says she's going to teach them a lesson, I assume you meant to say "taught" instead of "tough".

And Ducky also dug a big "hole" with the stick, not a "whole".

When Pterano snatches the fish, it should be "flyer's" and not "flyers" as it's not plural, it's Pterano's beak. It belongs to him so thus it should be flyer with an apostrophe S, as it's possessive.

In the middle, with the fishing scene, you tend to use water a lot. I'd try and mix it up a little so that I wasn't repeating myself too much with the same word. Try "the pond" or "the lake" or "the liquid" or whatever, just so you don't use water over and over again.

And also with the water scene, the professor "sees" a large fish, not "see's" a large fish, as see doesn't possess or own anything.

Ducky is "flung" into the air, not "flinged", as flung is the past tense of fling.

Mr. Thicknose at the end saying "whose" should be "who's" as it's a contraction of who and is. Whose is more possessive, like "whose egg did I just take?" Or "whose car was that?"

In the play itself, Littlefoot should say "not welcome here" instead of welcomed, as he's speaking in present tense.

And I think Ducky was saying "guest" instead of "guess" at the end.

You're looking a lot cleaner too with your "theirs" "theres" and "they'res". I don't think I saw any that were incorrect.  

OK... so now that those grammatical corrections are out of the way, on to what I thought of the story itself!

I thought it was a little surreal, but at the same time, I think you made it work pretty well. There were some humorous bits in there, and parts that made me smile. I particularly liked how Ducky tries to speak up and ask for the role of the damsel in distress, and the SECOND that Ali asks if she can do it, Littlefoot cuts in with yeah! I like that idea! It really seemed like something he'd say in that particular situation, so well done on that. XD

Also the fishing scene was good too. The professor getting into the ageless antics of trying to catch a fish with his bare hands.

I liked too how Chomper went around naming the parts of his "family." It shows how he's really developed during his stay in the Great Valley, and now I can see why you like Ruby so much, as I wasn't entirely sure at first what sort of relationship you saw the two of them having, but I can definitely see Ruby being a type of foster sister to Chomper. From what I know of her, she really is like that to the gang, a sort of older guiding "hand" in a way.

For a TV show episode, it started off a little dreamlike for me, with Ducky going this whole "evil" route thing, and I must say Ducky was probably my LAST guess as to who the most evil swimmer was, but I think you pulled it off well in your writing, and didn't make it very unbelievable or anything like that. This just seems SO familiar to me, and I probably HAVE seen the TV show episode you're referencing, but I can't really think of it at the moment. XD I could be bold and make a guess, but I'm not feeling very courageous at the moment. XD

So yeah, not bad at all, vonboy. Here's to next week's episode.

[trulyfantasticme]

Yeah, not bad at all. Now that it has Pterano in it.  

[Pterano]

Episode 1 - The Farwalker

Scene: The solar system.

Narrator: "A long, long time ago..."

An asteriod fly's by.

Narrator: "Before man, or wolf, or bird..."

Zooming in to the solar system. Earth comes in to view. It is still in it's very early form. magma covering much of it's surface.

Narrator: "When the earth was still in it's infancy..."

The earth cools down, water forms and seperates the land.

Narrator: "In this land that looked very different from our own."

Camera zooms in on the Earth. It zips through clouds, and the Great Valley comes into view from overhead. It is night time.

Narrator: "lived great, wonderous creatures who were very different from the creatures we know of today."

The Camera whips around some. There are no creatures to be seen.

Narrator: "Hey, whats going on? Oh, it's nighttime. How could they mess THIS up? Well, anyway, take my word for it. Now then, In a time before a single human ever walked apon this Earth..."

in a field in the Great valley, A blue light appears, with a sort of wooshing sound.

Narrator: "Oh what now?"

After a moment, a human steps out of the light, and The light subsides.

Narrator: "What in the world is this guy doing here? Hello?

The human checks a device strapped to his arm, and says something in a an unknown language. The human sounds like an ape when he says it. He then walks off into a forested area.

Narrator: "Forget it, Just forget it. I quit!"

Scene fades out to next.

Scene: The next morning, in the Great Valley. The sleeping dinosaurs are beginning to wake up. Scene moves to a group of sleeping longnecks. An old one, a middle aged one that's already awake, And two that are still young and waking up.

Littlefoot: Almost jumps up from his sleep. "No!" He breaths heavily.

Bron: "Morning littlefoot. Did you have another scary sleep story?"

Littlefoot: "Yes. It's the same one I've been having for days. I see Grandpa longneck walking out of the great valley. I try to make him stay, but he just says that his time has come. I can't bear to see him leave, because I know I"ll never see him again. Then I wake up." A tear streams down his face.

Grangma Longneck: Waking up "It's alright. I know it must have been hard on you, but you'll feel better eventually. You have to remember the good times."

Littlefoot: I think I'm feeling a little better now, I'll go see if any of my friends are awake yet." He walks off some, but turns his head around. "Oh, wait, Do you want to play, Shorty?"

Shorty: "Not really. I'd like to play some by myself today."

Littlefoot: Well, ok. Bye!" He leaves the other longnecks.

Scene: Several Threehorms sleeping close by to the longnecks.

Littlefoot: Walks up to Cera "Hey, are you awake?"

Cera: rustles on the ground and finally gets up. "I am now!" With a mean look on her face. "What's going on. Why'd you have to wake me up?"

Littlefoot: "Well, I was feeling lonely, and I wanted to start playing something."

Cera: "Well, alright. I guess if you want to, I'll join."

Littlefoot: "Lets get the rest of the gang together!"

Ducky: Walks up to Littlfoot and Cera "Hey, I heard you wanted to play something."

Cera: in a slightly annoyed voice "Well, YOU"RE up early!"

Spike Walks behind the other three and starts eating from a fern.

Ducky: Smiles. "Yup yup yup, us swimmers always get up early!"

Littlefoot: "Well, lets go."

The group Starts walking off. Spike Sighs and reluctantly follows.

Scene: A flyer nest on the side of a cliff. There is a mother flyer and 5 young ones. They are all asleep.

Ducky: Climbs over the crest of the cliff to the nest and shakes Petrie. "Hey, wake up petrie!"

Petrie: Jumps up. "AHHH!" Calms down a bit. "Ducky, You no scare me like that!"

Ducky: "I'm sorry Petrie. You just need to wake up. The day is here, and There is games to be played, there is!"

Petrie: Me love games! What we play today?"

Littlefoot: Yelling from the ground to be heard. "I know just the game!"

Scene: A grassy field. The Gang of Five are playing a game that resembles soccer with a hard pointy seed. The human from before is in some foliage nearby observing a fully grown Threehorm and Longneck eating treestars.

Littlefoot: kicks the pointy seed. "Here I come!"

Cera: Runs up and tries to block Littlefoot. Littlefoot dodges and continues on. "Darn, I'll get you littlefoot!"

Petrie: flies towards Littlefoot. He is holding Ducky in his claws. "Here we come!"

Ducky: Grabs the pointy seed while it is in the air "Aha. I Got it, Petrie!"

Littlefoot: Gives chase. "Hey! Come back here!"

Mr. Threehorn: "They sure are loud and annoying!"

Bron: "Oh, it's not that bad. They are just having some fun. And didn't you play this game when you were young?"

Mr.Threehorm: "Well, yes. But I wasn't as bad at it as they are!"

Bron: With a sarcastic expression. "oh really!"

Littlefoot is running furiously. He is gaining on Petrie and Ducky.

Ducky: looking a little worried "Fly faster Petrie!"

Petrie: "Me trying!"

Spike sees that everyone else is coming up on him very quickly. He starts to look worried. He closes his eyes and prepares for the impact.

Just as Cera is about to tactle Littlefoot, and Littlefoot is about to catch the flying pair, All four of them crash into spike. Spike is not enough to stop them, and whole gang flies into the foliage the human was hiding in. Littlefoot ends up on top of the human, and their eyes meet. Littlefoot and the human Simultaneously yell.

-----------------------------<Commercial break>--------------------------------

Littlefoot jumps off of the human and runs. The human gets up and runs away in a different direction. The rest of the gang see the human and run away with Littlefoot.

Mr.Threehorn: Sees the human close to the kids and runs over. "Hey! What are you doing here!?"

Bron: Follows Mr. Threehorn. "Whats going on?"

The Gang of Five run up to the adults, and the adults stop running to tend to them.

Bron: "Are you ok?"

Littlefoot: "Yes, I think so"

Mr.Threehorn: "Did that...Thing scare you kids?"

Cera: It didn't scare me, daddy! I just followed everyone else to make sure they were ok!"

Petrie: "Anybody see where strange thing go?"

Bron: " I didn't. I was more concerned for you're safety."

Mr.Threehorn: "Looks like we'll have to drive that thing out of the Great Valley!"

Bron: "Now hold on a second. Shouldn't we think this through? I'll call the other grownups together for a meeting."

Mr.Threehorn: "Ok, but let's make it quick. We might not have much time!"

Bron: "Ok." Turns to kids. "Kids, be careful. Stay away from that thing, and if you see that it again, call for help."

Littlefoot: "ok, dad. I will."

Bron and Mr.Threehorn leave.

Littlefoot: Turns to the Gang. "Lets go find that thing again, I want to see it!"

Petrie: Shocked. "WHAT!? Are you crazy?!"

Ducky: "I do not think that is a good idea, no no no."

Cera: "That thing might be dangerous. It could have been a sharptooth!"

Littlefoot: "No, it wasn't a sharptooth."

Cera: "How do YOU know, longneck?"

Littlefoot: "I got a good look at that thing. It didn't have a big mouth, and it's teeth didn't look very sharp to me. It also didn't have any claws."

Petrie: "Me still no wanna look for it!"

Ducky: "Petrie is right. It still might be dangerous."

Littlefoot: "Well I don't believe you. I think we could become friends with it!"

Spike rolls his eyes and sighs. He walks off to start eating again.

Petrie: "Good idea, spike. Me hungry too!"

Cera: "Yeah, I could use a bite to eat too."

Ducky: "Me three!"

Everyone leaves Littlefoot. He stands there to think for a moment, and then replies to everyone else.

Littlefoot: "Well fine. I'll look for that thing myself!" He runs off.

Scene: The meeting Circle. All of the Grownups are huddled there, debating what to do about the newcomer.

Ducky's Mom: "Well, what did that thing look like?"

Mr.Threehorn: "Hideous. I've never seen anything like it before. It was mostly white, but it had fuzzy stuff on it's head like those little annoying fuzzies.

Petrie's Mom: "Wow, that does sound hidious! I've never even heard of a creature like that before!"

Mr.Threehorn: "That's why we must drive it out of the Great Valley!"

Bron: "Now hold on a second. I remember this Valley being open to everyone. Do any of you remember? This Valley used to be a safe haven for those looking for refuge from vicious Sharpteeth! Have you all forgotten this already?"

Tria: "Good point, Bron."

Mr.Threehorn: "But Tricia, how do we know this creature isn't a sharptooth?"

The debate turns into inconprehensible rabling from everyone. Scene fades to the next Scene.

Scene: Littlefoot is walking through a forest in the Great Valley looking for the human.

Littlefoot: "Come out you thing. Please come out. You don't have to be scared, I won't bite." Looks around some more and begins to become discouraged. Then he sees the human.

The human is sitting next to a watering hole, Cleaning his face and getting a drink of water as well. Littlefoot tries to sneak up on him, but he snaps a twig. The human snaps his head behind him, sees the dinosaur, and starts running away. Littlefoot gives chase.

Littlefoot: "Wait, I won't hurt you!"

Littlefoot chases the human into a cave. The human reaches a dead end, and turns around, Looking horrified. Littlefoot starts to nudge towards the human.

------------------------------<Commercial break>-------------------------------

The human, Seeing no other way out, starts messing around wildly with the device on his arm. He also starts to talk. His voice starts changing. From an ape voice, to a dolphin, then a bear, and then to a dog. He then suddenly lets out a loud sharptooth roar.

littlefoot: Steps back momentarily, looking confused, then starts coming near again. "Just what ARE you anyway?"

Human: Sweat pours down his face as he continues to mess with the device. Suddenly, he lets out an audible voice. "Wait, Stop!"

Littlefoot: "you can talk?"

Human: "Please, I mean no harm!"

Littlefoot: "Calm down, I won't hurt you."

Human: Tries for a few moments to calm down, and then replies "You won't?"

Littlefoot: Starts to laugh "No, how could I hurt you?"

Human: "Well, good. It's just I was found out, and then you chased me. I didn't know what I was going to do."

Littlefoot: Turns his attention to the humans arm. "Hey, whats that thing you were messing with?"

Human: "Oh, This old thing? Hehehe, I don't think you would understand. Lets just say it helps me talk to you."

Littlefoot: "That makes sense, I guess. Well, I'm Littlefoot, who are you?"

Human: "Um, I'm a professor.

Littlefoot: "Professor? That is a silly name!"

Human: "Huh? oh, that's not my n" He stops and thinks for a moment, then changes his response. "Well, yes. I suppose that is a pretty silly name."

Littlefoot: "where are you from, professor?"

Professor: thinks carefully, then answers. "Somewhere far away. I'm sure you've never heard of the place."

LittleFoot: "Hm, you've come from a far away place? Are you a farwalker?"

Professor: "Yeah, I guess I am. I travel around studying new places and people. I just want to learn about the world."

Littlefoot: "That sounds very exciting! Um, What kind are you?"

Professor: "What do you mean what kind?"

Littlefoot: "Well, I'm a longneck."

Professor: "Oh, I thought you were a Brontasaurus."

Littlefoot: "Whats that?"

Professor: "Well, It's what my kind calls longnecks, We have names for other dinosaurs too. Now, about me. I'm a Human.

Littlefoot: "Hu-man? That sounds almost as silly as your name! By the way, do you want to meet my friends?"

Professor: "I guess so, are they friendly?"

Littlefoot: "well, sure they are! Come on."

Littlefoot and the professor leave the cave and goes off to look for the Gang.

Scene: The rest of the gang are around some foliage enjoying a nice lunch.

Littlefoot: Hey guys, Come meet my new friend!"

The Gang turn to see Littlefoot and the Professor. They start start to look worried. Ducky drops the sweet bubbles in here hand.

Professor: "Yellow!"

Ducky: Suddenly looses her worried look and walks up to the human. "Hello. I guess you do not look that scary after all, yup yup yup!"

Littlefoot: "His name is Professor, and he's a farwalker."

Petrie: "That sounds nice. Hi Professor!"

Cera: "I'm still not so sure."

Littlefoot: "So sure of what?"

Cera: "That he's friendly. You'll have to prove yourself, farwalker!"

Littlefoot: "Cera! Be nice!"

Professor: "oh well, I guess some people are just more afraid of other people."

Cera: getting angry "Who are you calling afraid!? I am just looking out for my friends!"

Professor: "Hold on a second, I'm sorry Cera."

Cera: "well, ok. But don't let it happen again!"

Littlefoot: "Hey professor, you should see the grownups!"

Professor: looking worried. "Grownups?"

Littlefoot: Yeah, we should show our parents that you're actually friendly!"

Petrie: "That good idea!"

Ducky: "yes, lets go!"

Scene: All of the grownups are still around the meeting circle, arguing about what to do with the newcomer.

Mr.Threehon: "Come on, let's get rid of it already!"

Bron: "hold on, please. We can't jump to conclusions. We should meet this thing face to face and see if it's friendly or not."

Mr.Threehorn: "Thats crazy, Someone could get hurt!"

The Gang and the professor walk up the the grownups.

Littlefoot: "Hey dad, look! That thing is actually nice, look!"

Bron: "looks at the professor, then at littlefoot "Littlefoot, what did you do? You disobayed me. I told to not go after that thing!"

Littlefoot: lowering his head in shame "I'm sorry dad, but I found out he's friendly. Please, say hi to Professor!"

Professor: Waves hand shyly. "oowehehe!"

Mr.Threehorn: "What are you? A sharptooth?"

Professor: "Um, no. I'm a farwalker. I came here to study new places and people."

Bron: "Well, it's good to meet you Professor. Do you need anything?"

Professor: "Well, I am very hungry"

Bron:"Is that all? Well, have some delicious treestars!"

Proffesor: "No, I can't eat that."

Mr.threehorn: "What? Are you a Meat-eater?" He takes a step towards the professor.

Proffesor: He thinks for a moment, then lies. "No, I don't eat any meat. What about that fruit in the tree?"

Bron: "You mean this treesweet?" He pulls the treesweet off the tree and gives it to the professor."

Professor: Sinks his teeth into the treesweet. "Mmm, delicious!."

Bron: Turns back to littlefoot. "Now, don't think I forgot about you. You still disobeyed me, so you must be punished! You can't play with your friends tomorrow."

Littlefoot: Lowers his head in shame again. "OK dad. I'm sorry."

Everyone begins to disperse. The Gang stays with the professor.

Cera: "Well, I guess you're not THAT bad."

Professor: "I'm glad you've had a change of heart Cera. Maybe we can get to know each other."

Littlefoot: "Well, you can play with us...Um...I mean my friends tomorrow."

Proffesor: "That could be fun. See you all later!"

The gang (minus littlefoot) leaves, and Littlefoot goes to talk to his Grandma.

Professor: Wipes his head, breaths a sigh of relief and talks to himself. "Well, I'm glad I got somebody to like me here. I hated That world I came from. It was going down the tubes." Turns around and looks around the Great Valley. "Anyway, I think I'll like it here!" He walks off.

END

Well here's my review of your first chapter. Wow, staring at this white on black font makes my eyes go crazy after awhile, especially at night, but I managed to push through it.

Vonboy, I don't know why, but this episode of yours is one of my favorites. You really just captured the essence of the series in this opener I think. I never really get sick of reading this. The second read through was just as enjoyable as the first. I think what it is that does it for me is you have a strong hook at the start, getting the reader's interest (or at least mine) with Littlefoot's dream of his grandfather's metaphorical death. He's already passed on, but it's still haunting Littlefoot, and I rather liked that. It's an emotional scene that draws you in, and keeps you hooked.

You also get very high marks on your dialogue in this chapter. It's fantastic, and really reminds me of the characters themselves. It doesn't sound forced or fake or anything. It flows just as naturally as if they were really speaking. Sure, there are a few clunky bits here and there, but overall, they don't serve as too much of a stumbling block for the rest of the dialogue, and I think you really outdid yourself here on this episode.

Your grammar is actually pretty good here, though there are a few spelling errors that become obvious (such as your capitalizing letters that shouldn't be capitalized, i.e. "And" when the sentence hadn't ended yet and thus didn't call for caps), but as I don't really see any of these mistakes in your later episodes, I don't think they need much touching on, because you've shown improvement as you've gone on, and don't really make these mistakes anymore.

I guess the only grammatical thing that stuck out at me that I found worth commenting on was "it's". This is really confusing in English, because normally, apostrophes denote possession or contractions. In it is's case, it's is just a contraction, being it is, and does not indicate possession. "Its" is usually for everything else that isn't "it is". Its house, its car, its phone, whatever. "Its" indicates something that belongs to "it". But "it's a flyer, it's a bridge, it's a statue" etc for contractions of "it is." However, you don't seem to have this problem later on, so chances are that once again, you've improved on that.

So yeah, I don't think I'll really brush on your errors much, as generally, you don't repeat them later on in your series. I've always liked this episode, and I still do. Nicely done. It's one of your best I think.

[vonboy]

Thanks for reading it Trulyfantasticme! I do want to warn you though, that Pterano won't be in every episode. Actually, I don't think he'll be in the next few at all. I only worked him into yesterday's episode because I needed a B-plot, and he worked well in that case. I DO have a Pterano/Petrie focused episode planned for late this season, so look out for that one!

Thanks for the reviews Pterano! It's nice having someone actually doing critical analyses on my work, though you still have a long way to go before your Pangaea!  I kind of knew you'd find a lot of grammar problems in yesterday's episode, since I kind of rushed it out so it wouldn't be late. I didn't proofread as much as I should have. Glad you like that episode too. I didn't know how people would react to Ducky being evil for an episode, though I tried to do it in a believable way. It was a LOT of fun writing evil Ducky dialogue!  

One thing about my first season, is that those aren't like they were when I first posted them. Especially the first few were a lot worse at first, but I've gone through and edited them several times. If you look back at the post dates, you'll notice I was posting about 3 of them a week for a month. I was really rushing them out back then, and only later going back to fix them. I'm kind of hoping I won't have to go back and edit these new ones any.

If you looked in the "Members Meeting the Characters", you'll notice theres a new young fast biter OC that I'll have in episode 19. I'm really enjoying writing that episode, and I think it'll end up being a good Chomper focused episode.

That's it for now, I guess.

[Pterano]

No problem! It's a pleasure to do so! I guess I'm not going as in depth as Pangaea because one: you have him doing that, and two: I know that not everyone likes to have a complete dissection of their works, so I try to just do what I can, and point out some stuff that sticks out at me. If you would prefer me to go really in depth though, I could. I guess I'll leave that up to you, as I like having a balance in my reviews. Though I guess then again, if you write something for public eyes, you're expecting criticism as well as praise, so yeah. I'll still leave it as your call though.

I kinda figured that you had edited your earlier work, as you were doing quite well with it and it really didn't resemble what I would expect out of a first fanfiction.   But, all the same, you really did brush it up and make it look good. Aside from the spelling errors (and the capitalization), your grammar was pretty good, and your dialogue was really good. I guess the end felt a little "clunky" as I described it earlier, but then again, you're writing for a 20-25 minute episode, and you have to make everything fit into that context. Sometimes it's unavoidable to rush things. Still, your beginning and middle bits were very strong I thought, and the dialogue flowed very well.

Ahhh good, a Chomper focused episode soon! Sounds like something that will be worth the wait!

[vonboy]

It's good. make them however long you feel is good, or however long you feel comfortable with I guess. And yeah, Pangaea has the beating to death dissections covered :b

And thanks again for doing them, Pterano. I really appreciate it  

[joshua1127]

This a great story Vonboy   I can't wait to read what happens when the Tinysaurs get meet The Professor    

[vonboy]

Actually, this weeks episode is gonna be pretty Chomper centric as well. I hope people don't mind me focusing on him so much. He's my favorite character after all, and there is so much I can do with him.

And thanks Joshua! Glad to see your still following the show

[Pterano]

Episode 2 - The Sharptoothed Menace

Scene: The Great Valley, in the morning. Littlefoot sitting at his nest.

Littlefoot: sighs. "today hasn't been very fun. Actually, it's been pretty lonely.

Shorty: Walks up to littlefoot "hey Littlefoot, How goes it?"

Littlefoot: "Ok, I guess"

Shorty: "you don't sound ok."

Littlefoot: "Well, I'm just kind of lonely."

Shorty: "Yeah, I'm lonely too. You wanna talk?"

Littlefoot: "Sure, It'll be something to do for today."

Scene: Cera and Ducky walking in a forest in the Great Valley, playing hide and seek with their friends.

Ducky: "Hide and seek sure is fun, yup yup yup!"

Cera: "It'd be more fun with Littlefoot here."

Ducky: "oh, it is not too bad. He will get to play with us tomorrow, he will."

Cera: "Yeah, I guess your right. Hey, What about the Professor? I thought he was going to play today.

Ducky: "He said he wanted to do some exploring in the Great Valley, but I did not want to explore with him, that would be boring. I have seen it all already."

Cera: "Oh, I get it." Turns to treetops "And I can see you up there, Petrie!"

Petrie: Falls out of the tree onto the ground. "Oh no! Me thought me had good hiding spot!"

Cera: "You'll have to try harder next time, Flyer. Maybe you forgot who your playing against!"

Ducky: "Cera is good at finding things, she is!"

Scene: The outskirts of the Great Valley, The professor is out exploring and getting acquainted with his surroundings. He touches a big fern leaf in his hands and examines it.

Professor: "Hmm, an almost tropical climate. Very interesting that this area was so different 100 million years ago. Much nicer than my time. Everything isn't dieing." He walks some and looks out at the Great Valley walls. "This is a really big valley. Quite remarkable. It seems all of the dinosaurs living here are herbivorous. This place seems like a haven for them. A place with no predators."

A shadow rushes through the woods behind the professor, The professor hears the rustling and turns his head to see the shadow.

Professor: "Now what is that? One of those dinosaurs trying to play hide and seek with me or something?" He shrugs it off, and returns to his studies.

Scene: Back at the longneck nest. Littlefoot and Shorty are still talking.

Littlefoot: "So how is it like living here?"

Shorty: "It's great! It's very different living in one place now. I used to travel with Bron and his herd all over the place when we were farwalkers."

Littlefoot: "yeah. Being a farwalker sounds great. But it's also dangerous."

Shorty: "Yes it was, But I do kind of miss getting to have adventures."

Littlefoot: "you can still have adventures here, with me and my friends!"

Shorty: "Really?"

Littlefoot: "Yes, it isn't as boring here as you think. We go out on adventures all the time!" He thinks a little, and adds. "...But don't tell Bron I said that!"

Shorty: "Hahaha. Oh, Alright, I won't."

Scene: Professor at the outskirts of the Great Valley, close to the Secret Caves.

The shadowy figure moves again. This time, The Professor looks worried.

Professor: "A Dinosaur wouldn't be that sneaky, unless....Unless it's hunting."

Suddenly, the figure jumps out of the foliage. It's a young T-Rex sharptooth. The Sharptooth roars at the professor.

-----------------------------<Commercial break>-------------------------------

Sharptooth: Roaring at the Professor in the Sharptooth launguage. <Who are you?>

The professor can't understand the Sharptooth. He takes a step back.

Sharptooth: He takes a step towards the Professor. <I said who are you? Don't play dumb with me, I know you can speak Sharptooth! Answer me!>

Professor: Whispering to himself. "Whats he just standing there for?"

Sharptooth: <Fine, have it your way!> He charges at the Professor.

Professor: Running away from the Sharptooth and saying under his breath "And I thought this place was safe!" He finds a large stick with a particularly sharp pointed end, and grabs it. "This should help!".

The professor turns around to the Sharptooth, and shows the stick. The sharptooth doesn't appear to be intimidated by the stick, And continues advancing. The Professor tries several strikes at him, but he only seems a little annoyed from the strikes. the Sharptooth takes a swipe at the Professor And manages to barely connect and rip his shirt. The professor Starts running away again.

Professor: "No, this can't be happening to me!"

Scene: Cera, Ducky, And Petrie are still playing hide and seek. They are looking for Spike.

Cera: "hm, Wheres Spike? We've all been looking for awhile. I'm ready to play something else!"

Ducky: "Oh, we'll find him soon, do not worry."

Petrie: Sees Spike in some dense foliage, eating it. "There he is!"

All three of them run over and tackle Spike. Spike looks kind of annoyed. He makes a little roar to show his dissatisfaction.

Cera: "He sure is good at this game!"

Ducky: Starting to laugh. "I don not think he was playing. I think he was just eating!"

Petrie: "You right, he just hungry!"

Suddenly Ruby comes running up to the group, looking worried.

Ducky: "Hey Ruby! Nice to see you back from seeing your family."

Ruby: "It was great, Seeing my family again was Really great! But...Have you seen Chomper around?

Cera: "Nope, Haven't seen him anywhere. I thought he was with you."

Ruby: "well, he was. But we came back kind of late last night, and went right to sleep in the caves. This morning, I woke up, and he wasn't there."

Petrie: "Maybe he hungry like Spike"

Cera: "I hope he isn't craving threehorn soup, haha!"

Ducky: "yeah, I hope so too, yup yup yup!"

Ruby: "Well, I'm worried about him. Remember how I'm supposed to protect him? Hey, do you want to help me look for him?"

Cera: "I've already been playing hide and seek all day!"

Ducky: "Oh, come on. let's help Ruby. Chomper might need help!"

Cera: sighs. "Fine."

The Gang leaves to help Ruby search for Chomper.

Scene: Outskirts of the Great Valley. The sharptooth is still chasing the Professor.

The Professor runs some more, and gets another idea. He turns around, And with all his strength, He plunges the pointy end of the stick into the side of the sharptooth. The sharptooth Roars out in pain. The professor steps back and gets a smug smile on his face. Then The sharptooth grabs the stick with his mouth, pulls it out, and snaps it in his teeth.

Professor: "Wah oh!"

The Sharptooth chases the Professor to a cliff on one end of the Great Valley. It's a dead end, and the Professor is trapped.

Professor: "I didn't think I'd go like this!" He then screams at the top of his lungs. "HELP!"

Scene: Littlefoot and Shorty are still chatting.

Shorty: "Well, I think I'm going to like it here!

Littlefoot: "That is good to hear. You didn't sound like that that the first time you visited here."

Shorty: "oh, yeah, I remember! I was scared of Chomper the first time I saw him."

Littlefoot: "You couldn't believe a sharptooth could be friends with flatteeth. It took a LOT of explaining before you changed your mind."

Shorty: "Yeah, and I'm glad I did. Chomper is great, And we've all had a lot of fun together since then."

Littlefoot: "Chomper and Ruby are coming back today, Maybe we can all play together tomorrow."

Shorty, "That would be fun!"

Suddenly, both of the longnecks hear the Professor yelling "HELP!" from far away in the distance.

Shorty: "What was that?"

Littlefoot: "that sounded like the Professor's voice. He sounds like he's in trouble!"

Shorty: "Let's go!"

Littlefoot: Looks back at the nest for a moment, remembering what Bron told him, and then reply's "Yes, lets go. He may need us!"

Both of them run off to look for the Professor.

-----------------------------<Commercial break>-------------------------------

Scene: The Cliff at the outskirts of the Great Valley.

The Professor is still trapped at the cliff, and the sharptooth is coming towards him.

Professor: "There has got to be something I can do!"

Getting desperate, He does something pretty foolish, because he sees no way out. He lungs forward, grabs the little sharptooth around the neck with both of his hands, and squeezes as hard as he can. The sharptoothe was surprised that the human would try that, so he doesn't do anything for a moment.

Scene: Cera, Ducky, Spike, Petrie, and Ruby are on the outskirts of the Great Valley looking for Chomper.

Ruby: "I'm starting to worry about Chomper. I don't like it when he makes me worry."

Ducky: "don't worry Ruby, we will find Chomper, yup yup yup."

Cera: "It just isn't like Chomper to go out on his own. He's so young. Younger than any of us."

Petrie: "Seems like we have to babysit him sometimes, Don't it?

They hear the Professor's pleas for help as well.

Cera: "What was that?"

Ducky: "It's the Professor. He sounds like he's in trouble."

Cera: "Well, he can handle it himself. We need to find Chomper."

Ruby: "Don't talk like that Cera! If anyone needs help, We should help them. Would you like it if we didn't come for you because we thought you could handle it?"

Cera: "well, no. I guess I wouldn't like it. Alright, I guess we have two people we are looking for now."

Littlefoot and Shorty runs by everyone else. The group does not know what is going on, so they all follow and try talking to Littlefoot.

Ruby: "Hey, whats going on?"

Littlefoot: getting out of breath. "didn't you hear it? The Professor is in trouble!"

Cera: "We were just about to come for him too, What a small world!"

Scene: A cliff at the outskirts of the Great Valley.

The sharptooth is still in the Professor's hands. He strikes at the Professor. The Professor cries out in pain, but tightens his grip on the sharptooth. The sharptooth begins to find it hard to breath.

The whole Gang come running in from behind some trees, and sees what is going on.

Littlefoot: "STOP! Stop it, now!"

both the Professor and the sharptooth turn their heads to the longneck, and say "Littlefoot?". The professor lets go of Chomper.

Chomper: "Whats going on?"

Professor: "I have the same question, What this thing doing here?"

Littlefoot: "His name is Chomper, and He's not a thing."

Ruby: "He's a friendly sharptooth."

Professor: "WHAT? Don't you know creatures like that eat creatures like you!?"

Chomper: "Most of us do, but I don't. I'm different."

Littlefoot: "It's a long story. we met him when he was still an egg. We hatched him, Were trying to raise him."

Cera: "Yeah, He's our friend!"

Professor: He wasn't convinced. He just crossed his arms and said "Bunk! Bunk I say!"

Chomper: "Thats not a very nice thing to say!"

Professor: "humpth!"

Littlefoot: "So, why were you both fighting like that?"

Chomper: "Well, I was sleeping in the caves, when I heard a strange sound, and I got up to see what it was. I saw him looking around. I didn't know who he was, So I tried to protect you all from him. I thought it was something I had to do. Doesn't he eat meat?"

Littlefoot: "No, the Professor doesn't eat any meat."

Professor: Looking a little guilty. " Uh, It's true! I don't."

Chomper: "He doesn't?"

Cera: "Well, it just sounds like a misunderstanding."

Ducky: "I think Chomper and the Professor should make up.

Chomper: "Yeah, I'm sorry I tried to hurt you Professor." He exceeds his claw to shake the professor's hand.

The Professor just stands there, looking angrily at Chomper.

Littlefoot: "Professor, Shake his claw!"

Professer: Reluctantly shakes Chompers claw. "I guess your off this time."

Littlefoot: "Good, that's a little better." He turns his head. "Oh no, I have to be back at my nest before Dad finds out I was gone!" He runs off.

Petrie: "See you tomorrow Littlefoot! Well, Maybe tomorrow."

Ducky: "Bye Littlefoot!"

Ruby: Now that that has all been settled, Lets go home Chomper. it's getting late."

Cera: "Yeah, We should all be going to sleep."

The whole group say their good-nights, and disperse.

Professor: Walks up to Chomper, and says "I'll keep my eyes on you!" He then walks off.

Chomper: "Ruby, this new person is strange. He really doesn't like me. He's acting like Mr.Threehorn did when he met me."

Ruby: "Yes, he is. But Think of Mr.Threehorn now. Now he knows your a friendly sharptooth, and he actually kind of likes you now. Just give the Professor some time, he'll change.'

Chomper: "I hope your right Ruby."

Ruby: "I still want to know though. Why did you attack him?"

Chomper: "I already told you."

Ruby: "I still don't believe you. You've never tried to attack a newcomer before."

Chomper: "I had my reasons."

Ruby has a look of concern on her face, but she drops the subject. Chomper and Ruby walk into the secret caves, and the scene fades.

END

OK, here's my review of your second episode!

There were definitely more errors than in your first episode unfortunately, but on the bright side, they're easily fixed.

A few things to get out of the way at the beginning. Just remember to always capitalize the first letter of the first word of a sentence, and by no means capitalize words like "and" and "he" that are in the beginning of a sentence unless followed by a period. Once again, as in my previous review, you don't really make these mistakes anymore, so I'd say this advice is pretty passÈ at this point.

Remember your "you'res" and "yours". Your is possession; what belongs to "you" in other words. Your house, your rock, your name, your... whatever it is that you own. You're is a contraction of you and are. You're a good person, you're a good writer, you're a sharptooth, etc. You've shown vast improvement on this in your later episodes, so once again, probably passÈ, and keep up the good work on this.

Now something I noticed that really stuck out in this episode in particular that you could do to clean this up a bit is get rid of a lot of the adverbs you use. Adverbs are fine in dialogue, but in descriptions they just... get redundant, and you can make your writing sound a lot better and cleaner by eliminating them. Here are three examples that I found in your writing where you can do away with them entirely. Oh yes, and an adverb is a word like "really", "very", "like", "truly", they modify parts of speech other than nouns, but you don't want to use them all the time.

Littlefoot: (to Shorty) "So how is it like living here?" Like isn't necessary here, and just makes the sentence clunky. You could just say "So, how is it here?" or "How do you like living here?" In the latter case, like is OK, but coupled with "is it like" is just a bit much, and you can tighten that sentence up a tad.

The next example I found was when the professor is confronted by Chomper and does this. "Running away from the Sharptooth". Now "away" is once again an adverb here, and doesn't do much for your sentence. "Running from the sharptooth" sounds much better, and you eliminate an unnecessary word yet still keep the essence of the verb, "running" in this case. The action of the sentence is still maintained without the extra word.

And before I get to the last adverb, I may as well touch on the next paragraph, as there was something that I probably would have changed. "The professor turns around to the Sharptooh, and shows the stick". OK so that's two things I'll change. The first "turns around to the Sharptooth". You don't need the "to the Sharptooth" because we already know in the previous paragraph that he's running from Chomper, the Sharptooth. The professor can simply turn around. "The professor turns around" sounds better there. The second thing is "and shows the stick". Shows is just... sort of a weak word here. It's basic. Try "brandishes" the stick, or "wields" the stick, or something. "Shows" just keeps it simple, and since this is an action sequence, try a word that just sounds more forceful and underscores the action. "Displays", "exhibits", "brandishes", "exposes", "flashes", etc would all be suitable substitutes I think.

"The Professor tries several strikes at him" I would change to be "The professor strikes several times". It's another example of how sometimes less is more in writing. In five words I basically said what you just said in seven, so once again, try to still get your point across but without clogging the sentence too much. If something sounds a little long to you, ask yourself "how can I shorten this but still make it sound effective?" I think you'll find that you can get much more powerful sentences going by saying less, but putting more force into your words. And to get it even more interesting, rather than annoying Chomper, you could say "but his blows seem to only annoy the Sharptooth" rather than "a little annoyed". Once again, little is the adverb, and isn't necessary for description.

And in that same paragraph "The professor starts running away again". Just drop the "away", as once again, adverb. We don't need to know it's "away", because it should be fairly obvious that he's running FROM and not toward Chomper

A little further down: "Hm, wheres Spike?" should be "Where's" as it's a contraction of where and is, but you've improved a lot on these, so I won't linger.

Also when they tackle him, drop the "kind of". Spike isn't "kind of" annoyed, he's just annoyed. "Spike looks annoyed" would work better. If you really must use an adverb, I'd go with "somewhat" here, as it works best. Keep in mind though, adverbs are fine for dialogue. They make conversations sound realistic, because let's face it, we use adverbs when we talk. It's just in your descriptions that I think you don't really need them.

After the last commercial break, the professor does something foolish. I'd reword that whole sentence to read like this. "Because he can see there is no way out, he does something foolish out of desperation." Don't need the "pretty", adverb again. It just sounds too conversational for your descriptive passage. You're describing something, you aren't conversing with me. So DESCRIBE! ACTION! Just go for it, and get rid of the useless words.

The professor "lunges" forward, not "lungs", as lungs are organs in your body.

A bit further on, Littlefoot and Shorty "run" by everyone else, they don't "runs". It's confusing, I know. For plural subjects, you use singular verbs. For singular subjects, you use the plural form of the verb. XD Confused? They run. He runs, she runs, it runs, Cera runs, etc.

Now the paragraph where the professor tightens his grip and Chomper is struggling to breathe was good. You didn't have any adverbs or wordy sentences there It was ACTION. DESCRIPTION. Not conversation.

"The whole Gang come running in from behind some trees, and sees what is going on." Gang is plural, so they SEE what is going on, not sees. If it was just Littlefoot: "Littlefoot sees what is going on." I'd also use "comes" in place of "come".

And also, after they explain that Chomper is their friend and the professor says "Bunk" you suddenly switch into past tense. Don't do that if you've been writing in the present tense this whole time. It should be:

Professor: He isn't convinced. He crosses his arms and says... etc.

Keep it present tense, if that's what you've been using.

Phew, OK. Enough of the grammatical critiques. XD Sorry about that, but it's just stuff I noticed that I think will help your writing. Some of these things you don't really do anymore, so I didn't dwell on them. For the actual plot, I think it started coming together after the last commercial break. It felt a little rushed before that, but then again, you ARE writing for a 20-25 minute episode, and I realize you can only do so much.

I really liked Ruby asking Cera how she'd feel if they decided she didn't need any help. That was brilliant. XD   Best way to deal with Cera really. Place her in someone else's shoes.

I really liked the mystery too that you added at the end of it. It got me hooked, and shows you're effective at creating writer hooks that will catch the reader and make them ask "why is that?" or "what's going on here?". It keeps them reading and makes them hungry for more, so to speak. I found it very intriguing when I first read this as to why Chomper had suddenly done that, as it seemed a bit out of character, but then having Ruby ask why at the end of the chapter just showed that SURPRISE! It wasn't a mistake after all! I fooled you, my good reader, oh yes I did!   Well done on that.  

Overall this episode wasn't bad. The conclusion was the best part for me, but if you clean up the beginning and middle parts a bit, you'll have an even better episode. Biggest thing with this episode is to eliminate adverbs and wordy sentences in your descriptions. You're writing a script, so make it clean, short, but still effective. You can easily deliver the same message using less words.

[vonboy]

Thanks again Pterano! That episode didn't originally have Ruby asking why at the end, and I'm glad I added that in later. I also added in the part where Chomper tries talking to the Professor in sharptooth later. I'd really like to add onto that episode somehow. You say the first two acts feel rushed for time, but that episode is actually one of my shortest ones. I just couldn't think of very much at the time.

Interesting that you bring up putting Cera in someone else's shoes. I have a episode coming up later on that's exactly that!

I'm thinking of posting the episodes on Saturdays now. I haven't even started on the next episode yet (Not tomorrows one! I mean the one after that.)

[vonboy]

Pterano was kind enough to proofread this for me before I posted it, so it's probably my most grammatically correct episode ever! Thanks Pterano!

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Episode 17 - The Little Leafeater and the Little Biter

Bedtime stories with Mr. Thicknose!

Scene: The Great Valley, at dusk.

Ruby walks up to a tree.

Ruby: "Hey, it's getting kind of late. You should come back to the caves with me.

Camera pans up the tree to show Chomper at the top, eating some bees from a beehive.

Chomper: "I will in a little bit, Ruby."

Ruby: "Late dinner?"

Chomper: "Yeah."

Ruby: "Well, don't take too long, it's starting to get dark, and it's not good to be wandering around in the dark."

Chomper: "Okay, I won't"

Ruby walks off towards the Secret Caves.

Chomper continues to eat bees, as the scene fades to show the hive is gone, indicating a time lapse. It's now dark.

Chomper: "I guess that's enough. Now, how to get down from here?"

Chomper looks down, looking worried. Suddenly, the ground starts to shake. Chomper trips, and grabs a tree branch with his claws.

Chomper: Ahh! What's going on?" One of his hands slips. 'Uh-oh!"

Chomper falls onto the ground. He gets up, and dusts himself off.

Chomper: "Whew, at least that's over!"

The ground Chomper is standing on starts to crack.

Chomper: "uh..."

The ground under Chomper breaks away, and the little biter falls through the ground to a cave below. Chomper hits his side on a rock, and slides over to one of the walls of the cave. A tinysaurus is there, who promptly gets stuck under him.

Skidder: "Would you mind getting off of me?"

Chomper: "Sorry, I just..."

Chomper turns to see the Skidder under him. Skidder looks up and sees Chomper.

Skidder: "Sharptooth!" He quickly squeezes out from under Chomper, and runs off.

Chomper: "Wait! I need help!" He lowers his head, and sighs. He tries to get up, but yells out in pain in sharptooth, and falls back down. "Oh, how am I going to get out of here?"

Scene: The Great Valley, in the morning.

The Gang of Five are having breakfast. Petrie and Ducky are up in a tree, knocking down treestars and treesweets.

Littlefoot: "Good going, you two!"

Cera: "But we're gonna need a lot more!"

Petrie: "Me doing best me can."

Ducky: "Yes we are."

Spike has his head in a pile of treesweets.

Ruby comes running in on the Gang.

Ruby: "Oh no!"

Ducky: "What is it, Ruby? What is wrong?"

Ruby: "It's Chomper, he's not here!"

Littlefoot: "Yeah, I haven't seen him around anywhere this morning.

Ruby: "No, I mean he didn't come home to the Secret Caves last night! I haven't seen him since yesterday!"

Littlefoot: "Do you think he is in trouble?"

Cera: "Humpth! What kind of trouble are you talking about?"

Littlefoot: "Not that kind of trouble! I mean, he could be lost, or hurt somewhere?"

Ruby: "We need to go find him, so he won't be lost anymore!"

Littlefoot: "Let's go!"

Littlefoot, Cera, and Ruby walk off. Spike just keeps on eating.

Petrie: "Me coming!" He takes off, and follows.

Ducky: Starts to walk. "Me too, yup yup..." She walks off the tree branch. "...No!"

Scene: A cave under the Great Valley.

Chomper is still sitting where he fell earlier. He's asleep now. Skidder pops his head out, and sees the little biter is asleep. He walks up to Chomper, and touches his foot. Chomper's head is turned sideways, so Skidder only sees one of his closed eyes.

Skidder: "Is it...dead?"

Skidder gets a little smirk on his face. He backs up a few steps, and rams his head into Chomper foot. He does it again, and laughs.

Skidder: He sticks his tongue out at Chomper. "Not so scary now, are you!?"

Skidder backs up quite a ways for a third run. He sticks his tongue out of the side of his mouth, and charges again. Chomper opens his eyes. Skidder skids to a stop, and yells. He runs back to hide behind a rock.

Chomper: "What are you doing?"

Skidder: "...you can talk!?"

Chomper: "Of course I can talk!"

Skidder: "Who are you, and what are you doing here?"

Chomper: "I'm Chomper, the Friendly Sharptooth!" He gives a toothy grin. "And I just kind of fell down here."

Skidder: "Well, can't you get out of here and leave us alone?"

Chomper: "But I can't get up! I must have hurt myself. I hope Littlefoot can find me."

Skidder: "You know Littlefoot?"

Chomper: "Yeah, I do know him, And some of his other friends, like Ducky and Spike..."

Skidder: "...And Cera and Petrie?"

Chomper: "Yeah, that's right. Can you come over here and help me get up?"

Skidder: "Oh no, I'm not getting any closer, I know better than that!" He runs off.

Chomper: Sighs. "Not again."

-------------------------------<Commercial break>-------------------------------

Scene: Another area in the cave.

Rocky, Dusty, and Shatter are playing, while Big Daddy is watching from the side. The kids are playing tag.

Shatter: "Here comes shatter!"

Rocky: "Oh no, he's-"

Dusty: "-Gonna get us!"

Lizzie: Walking up to Big Daddy. "I'm getting really hungry!"

Big Daddy: "I know, but we have to wait till nightfall to go up there and search for food.

Lizzie: "But Daddy..."

Big Daddy: "I'm sorry, but it's too dangerous up there."

Skidder: Running up to the group. "Everyone. You won't believe what I saw!"

Big Daddy: Stomping up to Skidder. "Now, what is this all about?"

Skidder: "I saw a sharptooth!"

The other tinysauruses gasp.

Big Daddy: "Skidder! I told you it wasn't safe up there!"

Skidder: "No, I saw that sharptooth down here!"

Big Daddy: "The same one?"

Skidder: "Yes!"

Big Daddy: "Where is it?"

Skidder: Looks over at the cave he came from. "Deep in that cave over there."

Big Daddy: "Is it coming?"

Skidder: "I don't think it is. It looked kind of hurt when I saw it."

Big Daddy: "Well, that's good to hear! Maybe it won't bother us!" He turns to all the other tinysauruses. "You know what this means. We can go up to the surface again!"

All of the tinysauruses cheer.

Big Daddy: "Let's get a few of us together, and look for something to eat!"

Shatter: "I'll go!"

Dusty: "Both me and Rocky-"

Rocky: "-will go!"

Big Daddy, Shatter, Rocky and Dusty walk off. Lizzie starts to leave with them.

Skidder: "Hey, Lizzie, wait up!"

Lizzie: "What?"

Skidder: "Um, don't leave. There's something I want to show you.

Lizzie: "Really?"

Skidder: "Yeah! Come on!

Skidder runs off into the cave he came from, and Lizzie follows.

Scene: The Great Valley.

The Gang is looking for Chomper. The Professor is with them.

Ruby: Where could Chomper have gone?"

Professor: "Maybe he went to the Mysterious Beyond."

Littlefoot: "Why would Chomper go there?"

Professor: "...I could think of one good reason."

Cera: "I think I know what you mean, Professor."

Ducky: "It is too bad Chomper is missing, it is. If he was not the one missing, he could use his sniffer to find who was missing."

Ruby: "Oh well, we'll just have to keep looking."

They walk past a small hole in the ground, and then off screen. Camera zooms in on the hole, and the tiny head of Big Daddy peeks out. He checks to make sure the coast is clear, then climbs out.

Big Daddy: "You can all come out now; it's safe."

Shatter comes out of the hole. Rocky and Dusty both stick their heads out next, and get stuck.

Rocky: "I'm first!"

Dusty: "No, I'm always first!"

Big Daddy sighs. He pulls on Dusty until she pops out of the hole.

Rocky: Climbing out. "No fair!"

Big Daddy: "Ssshh! Keep it down! we don't want to attract any attention, do we?"

Shatter: "So, what will it be?"

Rocky: "That pile of treestars over there..."

Dusty: "...looks really good!"

The quartet run over to the pile of treestars; they each grab a few treestars in their mouths, and head back to the hole. As they line up at the hole to go in, Spike walks up and nudges Shatter in the side, looking annoyed. Shatter yells out in surprise and jumps around.

Scene: A tunnel.

Skidder and Lizzie are walking through a tunnel towards Chomper.

Lizzie: "What is this thing you wanted to show me?"

Skidder: "Remember that sharptooth I talked about?"

Lizzie: "Do you mean...?"

Skidder: "Yeah, I want you to meet him!"

Lizzie stops in her tracks. Skidder turns around to see her staring at him.

Lizzie: "A-Are you crazy?! Meet a sharptooth?"

Skidder: "I know I must sound crazy, but he just seems different. Besides, he's hurt, so if we just keep our distance, he can't hurt us!"

Lizzie: "I still don't think..."

Skidder: "Oh come on Lizzie! Haven't you ever wanted to talk to a sharptooth?"

Lizzie: "You mean, it can talk?"

Skidder: "Yes, it can!"

Skidder starts walking again, and Lizzie reluctantly follows.

Lizzie: Saying under her breath. "Curiosity killed the hatchling!"

Scene: The part of the caves Chomper is in.

Chomper is still sitting at the same place he fell at. He's swiveling his legs on the floor, looking bored. From the other side of the cavernous room, Skidder sticks his head out from behind a rock.

Skidder: "Hello? Chomper?"

Chomper: "Ah, the really little longneck is back."

Lizzie: "We're tinysauruses, Chomper."

Chomper: "Who was that?"

Lizzie steps out from behind the rock.

Lizzie: "Um, that was me."

She stands there, looking terrified at Chomper.

Chomper: "What are you two so scared of? I said I'm a friendly sharptooth!"

Skidder: "A friendly sharptooth?"

Chomper: "Yeah. Like I said before, I'm friends with Littlefoot and all of his friends. Have you been here long?"

Lizzie: "Actually, we have been here awhile. A few cold times at least."

Chomper: "Really? Because I've never seen any of you before."

Skidder: "We've been living under wraps for a long time."

Chomper: "Really? Why?"

Lizzie: "Um, because of you."

Skidder: "Yeah, our dad saw you once, and told all of us to stay down here to be safe."

Lizzie: "We've only been coming out at night to look for food."

Chomper: Looking down. "Sorry about that."

Skidder: "Well, it isn't really your fault.

Chomper's stomach growls.

Lizzie: "What was that?"

Chomper: "Um, hate to say it, but I'm getting kind of hungry."

Both of the tinysauruses back away.

Chomper: Laughs. "It's okay, I don't want to eat you!"

Skidder: Still looking worried. "What do you want to eat then?"

Chomper: "Are there any ground crawlers down here?"

Lizzie: "Yes, I think there are."

Lizzie runs off for a moment, then returns with a ground crawler in her mouth. She walks up to within a few feet of Chomper, and slings the insect at him. Chomper slurps it down.

Chomper: "Hey, thanks! Could you find a few more?"

Lizzie: "Yeah, I guess we can."

--------------------------------<Commercial break>------------------------------

Scene: The Great Valley.

Shatter is still at the same place he was at, yelling in surprise.

Big Daddy: Popping his head back out of the hole. "What is it?"

Shatter: Calming down. "Oh, it is just Spike."

Spike nudges Shatter again, but this time more lovingly.

Shatter: Laughing. "I think he missed me!"

Big Daddy: "It's been a long time since I saw any of the kids. I thought that sharptooth got em!"

Chomper's search party comes running up to the spiketail and the tinysauruses, having heard Shatter call for help.

Littlefoot: "What's going on?"

Ruby: "We heard someone yell for help! Who is it that needs help?"

Big Daddy: "It was nothing." Chuckling. "Chatter here just got a little spooked by Spike!"

Littlefoot: "Big Daddy!

Ducky: "Dusty!"

Petrie: "Rocky!"

Cera: "Shatter!"

Ruby: Who?"

The Professor, who has finally caught up to the group, eyes the tinysauruses with a strange human act in mind.

Professor: "Aww, they look so cute!" The professor picks up Big Daddy like he's a cat or a small dog, and pets him.

Bad Daddy: "Hey, what's the big idea? Put me down right now! And stop touching there!"

Scene: The cave Chomper is in.

Chomper gulps down another ground crawler that Skidder has thrown at him.

Chomper: "Thanks a lot, guys!"

Lizzie: "So, what now?"

Chomper: "Could someone finally help me get up?"

Skidder: "Uh, I still don't know if we should or not."

Lizzie: "I mean, he is a sharptooth after all."

Chomper: "Aww, Please?" Chomper puts on his cutest sad puppy impersonation.

Lizzie: "Well..."

Skidder: "Let's do it!"

Chomper: "Thank you!"

Skidder and Lizzie get closer to Chomper, and turn around. Chomper grabs each of their tails in his claws, and the little dinosaurs pull. Chomper lifts off the ground a little bit, but suddenly yells out in pain in sharptooth again. In his pain, Chomper lets go, and the two tinysauruses run in fear.

Skidder: "Ahh!"

Lizzie: "What was that!?"

Chomper: Holding his sides. "Sorry about that, that just hurt a lot."

Skidder: "Really?"

Lizzie: "I'm sorry you're in pain Chomper."

Chomper: "Thanks for your concern Lizzie." He lowers his head again, and sighs. "I don't think I'm going anywhere soon."

Scene: The Great Valley.

The Gang, the Professor, and the quartet of tinysauruses are still where we left them. The Professor lays Big Daddy back onto the ground.

Big Daddy: "Now, that's a lot better!"

Littlefoot: "We haven't seen any of you in a really long time!"

Cera: "Yeah, where have you all been?

Rocky: "We'll, we have all been-"

Dusty: "-in hiding."

Ruby: "Hiding? From what?"

Big Daddy: "A sharptooth!"

Littlefoot: "A sharptooth? In the Great Valley?"

Petrie: "You not making much sense!"

Big Daddy: "I'm surprised all of you are still here, I thought that sharptooth got you!"

Littlefoot: "...Are you talking about Chomper?"

Big Daddy: "You gave it a name?"

Ducky: "Oh course! He is our friend, after all."

Chatter: "Friend?"

Littlefoot: "Uh, I know it sounds weird, but yes. We hatched a sharptooth, we named him Chomper, and he's been living in the Great Valley with us."

Big Daddy: "Preposterous!"

Littlefoot: "Well if you help us find him, we'll show you!"

Ducky: Yes, could you please help us find him?"

Chatter: "I think we know where he is!"

Scene: The cave Chomper is in, at night.

The cave is dark. The Professor walks into the cavernous room, and shines his light around. The bright glow moves along the walls, until it rests on a little sleeping sharptooth, with two smaller sleeping dinosaurs tucked under his claws.

Big Daddy: "Lizzie! Skidder!"

Littlefoot: "Chomper!"

The three sleeping dinosaurs wake up.

Lizzie: "Huh?"

Skidder: "What's all the noise about?"

Chomper: Wiping his eyes. "Hey, it's the gang!"

Big Daddy: "Are you all alright?"

Lizzie: "We're fine!"

Big Daddy: "I mean... with the sharptooth..."

Shatter: "Aw, he wouldn't hurt us! He's a friendly sharptooth!"

Professor: "So, I hear you are hurt, Chomper?"

Chomper: "Yeah, that's right. My chest hurts."

The Professor examines Chomper.

Professor: "Looks like a broken rib or two."

Chomper: "Is that bad?"

Professor: "From the looks of that fall there, it could have been a lot worse! You'll just need some rest."

Littlefoot: "That's great!"

Professor: "Here, let me help you get up."

The Professor works Chomper onto his back for a piggy back ride.

Professor: "Ow! Just be careful where you put your feet there."

Ruby: "Let's head home Chomper, you're a day late at this point!"

Chomper: "Yeah, sorry about that."

The Gang and the Professor start to walk off.

Lizzie: "Bye everyone!"

Skidder: "It was fun getting to see you all again!"

Big Daddy: "We'll see you all again though! We don't have a reason to hide anymore!"

END

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One story I will tell you, that I said in the "What are you thinking about" thread too, I had a subplot for this episode. It involved a new character, and would have added some action to this episode, but I had so much fun writing out about Chomper trying to make new friends, that I had to cut that for time. I still really like the idea that I cut out, so it's on the back burner for the future.

Now, about next weeks episode. It will be called "That Spark for Adventure!" It will be kind of a flashback episode, explaining some things that happened between the TV series and my fanfiction.

And like I said, the next one after that will be a very Chomper focused episode that will add in some new OC's.

[Pterano]

No problem! It was my pleasure! Really enjoyed doing it, and you were looking a lot cleaner too with your writing. So good job on that.

I don't really have to do grammatical and punctuation corrections for this, so here's my review on what I thought.

I wasn't sure what to expect at first when I started reading this. But you crafted a pretty personal story here, and I'm glad you didn't put the subplot in (not that I thought it would've been a bad thing, as I don't know about that plot yet) as I feel it would have detracted from the personal story you were telling. This was really focused on the tinysauruses, and I liked that. It was their story primarily, and about their reconciling with their fear of all sharpteeth.

I think I liked this because of the warmth you conveyed in it vonboy. You do a very good job of painting how they are very cautious at first, peeking out of holes in the ground and having to sneak about to find food. Skidder getting brave only after he knew Chomper was asleep showed of course how they fear sharpteeth, but was a nice throwback too to the original movie, where Cera was taunting what she thought was the dead sharptooth. Lizzie and Skidder's explanation on why they've been only seeking food at night was a good touch, as it allowed for a dialogue between Chomper and them, and a deeper understanding of each other as well.

But they go from being fearful to cuddling up against him in an adorable scene. You also wrote your comedy very well, and I found myself chuckling at bits here and there that crept up on me and caught me by surprise. They were very well timed too, I'd say darn near perfect if not perfect, because they just fit in so well with the otherwise serious plot.

I'm not sure what it is about this story, but the way you wrote it conveyed warmth to me, and just spoke to me on a personal level, particularly as it progressed. I'd say this is now one of my favorite episodes of yours, just because I really dig the personal angle you got going, and that's what I strive for in my own writing (or at least in my current fic). The latter part of the story particularly shows that, and I do commend you on getting a good emotional story going.

Overall, well done. It may not have been super action, but hey, I think you pulled off something just as good. You wrote a story that spoke to me as a reader, so very nicely done, vonboy. Looking forward to your next episodes.

[Pangaea]

Thanks for the reviews Pterano! It's nice having someone actually doing critical analyses on my work, though you still have a long way to go before your Pangaea!

Oh, please! I don't want to be some kind of standard for all other reviewers to strive for! Everyone has their own style of reviewing, and though most writers would probably agree that a descriptive review is preferable to a one-liner, reviewers most definitely do not need to be me. Besides, I think you're ascribing too much credit to my reviewing abilities: from the looks of things, Pterano knows as muchóif not moreóabout grammar and improving the written aspects of a story as me (at the very least, he seems better at putting his explanations in words). He’s also conspicuously better than me at posting reviews quickly and regularly (in fact, he beat me to the punch on several comments I was going to make regarding Episode 2). Not to mention he's reviewing Season 1 episodes alongside the new ones, whereas I haven't yet proven myself capable of handling one chapter per week! I can continue to review if you like (I hate to break a promise), but honestly I think he’s more useful to you as a reviewer than I am.

I kind of knew you'd find a lot of grammar problems in yesterday's episode, since I kind of rushed it out so it wouldn't be late. I didn't proofread as much as I should have.

A word of advice I've used with other writers: Don't sacrifice quality of work in order to meet self-imposed deadlines. Though I'll admit I'm probably more sensitive to spelling and grammar errors than many people, I personally find them very distracting when I'm reading a story, and would rather give the writer enough time to write a good, detailed, reduced-error chapter, at the cost of having to wait a little longer for it to be posted.

Anyway, I posted my review for Episode 2, in the same post as my Episode 1 review. (I had hoped to review Chapter 3 tonight as well, but it's one of those all-too-frequent times when my brain just isn't up for the task; I swear I'm getting more mentally defective by the day. ) As I mentioned to you before, my plan had been to post my reviews of Season 1 episodes all in one place, to keep them from intermingling with the Season 2 episodes and their respective reviews. Would you prefer it, though, if I just made a new post for each one, like Pterano is doing with his Season 1 reviews?

Oh, yeah, one more thing: although I haven’t actually read the most recent chapter yet, aI do have a correction to share based on a glimpse of it: Skitter’s name should be spelled “Skitter”, not “Skidder”.

[vonboy]

You can keep reviewing if you want, Pangaea. I do really appreciate it! Though, maybe you can stop trying to fix my grammar and punctuation? When I first asked you for feedback, I just wanted Constructive criticism. You just added in all of that grammar help because you wanted to. It probably is good that you added in that grammar help though, because I actually thought it wasn't THAT bad. Besides, after a while, you'd just be commenting on the same errors, and I should be able to look at past grammar and punctuation suggestions and apply them to later episodes.

It would also be good having two people reviewing, because one of you might catch something the other doesn't, or have a different perspective on things. For example, you Pangaea brought up how the action in episode 2 didn't make any sense.

About what you said about the script format in the episode 1 review, I don't think I'm going to change anything about how I'm doing it. I know that this isn't TRUE script format. I didn't really know how real scripts looked before I started. After the first few episodes, I decided to keep it the way it was, just so it would always be consistent. If I change the format, I feel I'd have to go back and rewrite everything so it would stay consistent. One thing I've changed is not using the scene fading much. I realize most of the time I was using that in the first season, it was not needed. I'm only saying how the scene changes now when it happens in a different or interesting way, and it HAS to be explained.

And you can make new posts for your reviews if you want to. I told Pterano that I'm posting links to all of my episodes in the first post of this thread, which I try to keep updated and current. It's ok if this thread get's messy, because people can just turn to the first post if they can't find something.

About Chomper only trying to speak sharptooth to the Professor, that's probably just me doing something the writers for the sequels did a lot of;  Purposefully make characters not do things that are obvious, or have them suddenly turn stupid just so they would fit into the plot the writers wanted to write. I REALLY wanted this conflict in there. I wanted the Professor and Chomper to start off on very bad terms, so it would contrast well for when they make amends. I don't really have an explanation for why Chomper did that, other than the director said so

[joshua1127]

The story you wrote is Triple Great, Great, Great Vonboy!    I like the part were the Professor picks up Big Daddy like a puppy or a kitten and pets him.        that would make children laugh harder.

[Pangaea]

You can keep reviewing if you want, Pangaea. I do really appreciate it! Though, maybe you can stop trying to fix my grammar and punctuation? When I first asked you for feedback, I just wanted Constructive criticism. You just added in all of that grammar help because you wanted to. It probably is good that you added in that grammar help though, because I actually thought it wasn't THAT bad. Besides, after a while, you'd just be commenting on the same errors, and I should be able to look at past grammar and punctuation suggestions and apply them to later episodes.

Yes, my hope was to cover general errors that I see a lot of, so that you would know what mistakes to avoid, and afterwards I'd focus mainly on the story, clearing up a few more specific writing errors here and there.

And you can make new posts for your reviews if you want to. I told Pterano that I'm posting links to all of my episodes in the first post of this thread, which I try to keep updated and current. It's ok if this thread get's messy, because people can just turn to the first post if they can't find something.

Okey-dokes, then…from now on I'll just start a new post for each new review.

About Chomper only trying to speak sharptooth to the Professor, that's probably just me doing something the writers for the sequels did a lot of; Purposefully make characters not do things that are obvious, or have them suddenly turn stupid just so they would fit into the plot the writers wanted to write. I REALLY wanted this conflict in there. I wanted the Professor and Chomper to start off on very bad terms, so it would contrast well for when they make amends. I don't really have an explanation for why Chomper did that, other than the director said so

Well, I prefer it when a story makes sense, and the plot contains as few holes as possible, but okay. Just as long as you're not deliberately tossing the characters an Idiot Ball or create plot devices that make no sense just to be more like the writers of the TV series. I think a good LBT episode fanfic should try to avoid the flaws of the series, not replicate them to seem more authentic. (What made the least sense to me in this scene was Chomper's “Don't play dumb with me, I know you speak Sharptooth” line. In fact, I think you could have just left all of Chomper's Sharptooth lines in this scene untranslated; if his exact words to the Professor were left ambiguous, then there would be more room for interpretation as to why Chomper was acting so seemingly out of character.)

All right, here’s my next review:

Review for Episode 3 – Brothers

The whole gang and the Professor are in some foliage close to the water. Littlefoot, chomper, and spike are eating. Cera, Ducky, and the Professor are to the side chatting.

The term ”foliage” applies to the leaves and branches of plants, not to the plants themselves, and describing them as being “in” it implies that they are standing on top of or among the leaves. Unless the characters are climbing trees or giding in bushes, it would probably be better to write this as “among some vegetation”.

I liked the prank that you had Chomper play on Littlefoot. It did seem like something Chomper would do, assuming he isn’t really totally oblivious that the rest of the gang find crawlers disgusting.

Professor: "He has a personality? I thought he was just a mindless killing machine!"

This line just…bothered me. I’m finding it hard to elaborate, but suffice to say it seemed unrealistic. The Professor has already seen that Chomper can speak and be reasoned with; why would he still be under the impression that all he does is instinctively hunt and kill? Even rewording it to “He seemed like a mindless killing machine to me” (and having the Professor speak the line in a grumbling or otherwise contemptuous tone) would make it sound less cheesy.

The gang’s feelings about the Mysterious Beyond in this episode were…unexpected, to say the least. Considering they visit it all the time, it surprised me that their reaction to Shorty going there went along the lines of “You shouldn’t do that! It’s too dangerous!” However, considering that the gang almost always enters the Mysterious Beyond as a group, I can understand that they would be concerned that Shorty went there alone; their reaction would probably seem more justified if some emphasis was put on that.

Something else in this chapter that I have to give you credit for is Ruby’s statement that she dislikes the smell of the anti-sharptooth tree sweets. This is true to her reaction to them in “The Hidden Canyon”; her expression implied that she didn’t find the scent of the tree sweets as appetizing as her friends did, highlighting the fact that she is an omnivorous species.

Speaking of Ruby, one thing I was a little disappointed by was that she never got her own scene where she was introduced to the Professor.

Ducky: "They are both only siblings, yup yup yup."

It would make more sense for Ducky to say “only hatchlings”.

I don’t think the gang’s reaction to finding the dead longneck was strong enough. Although dinosaurs in the LBT world surely make this sort of discovery more often than humans, imagine how you would react if you stumbled across a dead human body.

The chase scene with Red Claw contained several details that bugged me (most of which I don’t think are worth the trouble to describe), but there were also several parts I liked. It was good to see Red Claw finally demonstrate some of the athletic prowess displayed by other sharpteeth when he jumped the canyon. I also liked how you mixed up the “push down a boulder to defeat the sharptooth” routine by having Screech and Thud be the ones who (accidentally) knock it over. And then there was this bit:

Professor: "I don't want to be that close to a sharptooth ever again!"

Chomper gives the Professor an annoyed look, but says nothing.

One more comment regarding the preview of next week’s episode (as seen in your signature):

Grandpa Longneck: "As my final act as the head of the Great Valley Council, I name my son, Bron, as the new head of the council."

From the next episode, "That Spark for Adventure!". Coming June 10th

It’s heavily implied in LBT X that Bron is not related to Littlefoot’s grandparents by blood. In the tenth movie, when the two of them first (re)encountered one another, Bron addressed him as “Papa Longneck” (the name by which Grandpa Longneck would logically have been known before he became a grandfather; i.e., before Littlefoot was born); if Bron were his son, then he would have addressed him as simply “Papa”. Further evidence is seen in the flashback, where Littlefoot’s mother is portrayed (albeit inaccurately ) as having similar coloring to Littlefoot’s grandparents. I don’t think you need to make Bron Grandpa Longneck’s son to justify his giving him the council position anyway.

EDIT: Somehow I completely missed this error the first time around: in the very first line of the chapter, "watering hole" is incorrectly spelled "watering whole".