Whoops! I must have missed Chapter 28 when I was looking over the revised chapters.
Though it’s still a letdown for Spike that he never got the credit for finding the Energy Stone, because his attempt to remind Huki went unnoticed. Given that it’s so much harder to give Spike an active role in a story because of his muteness, it’s a bit disappointing that in this chapter, in which he makes his greatest contribution to the story, his part is downplayed by the fact that he doesn’t get credit for it.
Also, in Chapter 47, Takua observes that the symbols on the tablet correspond to which members of the gang found which Energy Stone. Although I suppose it’s not absolutely necessary, wouldn’t it make sense if he knew that Spike had been the first to touch one of the stones? I think it would slow that chapter down if someone were to ask, “What about the Energy Stone of Stone? Huki said that
he found it,” followed by Spike telling them what really happened, as translated by Ducky. It would probably be better to make the whole gang aware of who really found the stone right after they get it.
Anyway, here are the next reviews. I know I’ve checked all of these chapters:
Chapter 34:I thought it made for an interesting twist that this time, the Energy Stone is (or has been) found not by a member of the gang, but by a different individual. I was also amused by the way they encountered Pterano (accidentally knocking him out of a tree). Pterano’s introduction, however, seemed to lack something, in my opinion. Even slightly dazed, I would have expected him to be a bit more enthusiastic in greeting Petrie.
(I think he should at least say Petrie’s name.) It also seems strange that he doesn’t pay any attention to Ruby or Chomper (even if he is distracted by seeing Matoran for the first time).
"We do know it can't be one in the Great Valley, but that still means there could be millions of trees to look through," said Littlefoot.
Perhaps I’m being conservative, but “millions” doesn’t strike me as a word that would be found in the LBT dinosaurs’ vocabulary, and as a prospective number of trees, it sounds a little excessive (“thousands” would probably be more realistic).
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"We do know it can't be one in the Great Valley, but that still means there could be millions of trees to look through," said Littlefoot.
Perhaps I’m being conservative, but “millions” doesn’t strike me as a word that would be found in the LBT dinosaurs’ vocabulary, and as a prospective number of trees, it sounds a little excessive (“thousands” would probably be more realistic).GAAAH! How did I miss this before?
I found a spelling error:
Petrie wasn't sure if it was a complement or a joke, so he simply replied, “Yeah, me guess that true.”
That should be “compliment”, with an ëi’.
If I find any more spelling errors, do you want me to bother pointing them out or not?
Chapter 35:I can’t help but feel that Petrie gets just a little bit short-changed in his role on this particular Energy Stone hunt, as he doesn’t actually get to contribute anything besides revealing the clue."Follow me," said Kongu. "Thanks to info from way-finders, I know a quicker ground-path back to the valley from here. Most of the ground-path is bald-land, but that shouldn't be much of a worry-problem."
Not a critique, just a question: what is this “info from way-finders” Kongu is speaking of? Forgive me if I’m being clueless, but how exactly is he suddenly aware of a faster way home?Chapter 36:Excellent job giving the sharptooth trio a prominent but non-repetitive-feeling role in this chapter. I liked that, rather than all three striking together, Screech and Thud attack the gang separately from Red Claw. The dual chase scenes are also very good.
Chapter 37:I personally didn’t find the sharptooth trio’s attack in this chapter to be very satisfying. It was (frankly) so predictable, and ended so quickly, that it didn’t add much to the chapter besides a small action scene before the gang enters the rapids. While water, admittedly, isn’t exactly their element, I find that whenever Red Claw, Screech, and Thud are foiled this easily, it causes them to come off as incompetent and unthreatening villains.
A few minutes later, the boat was ready for the search for the Energy Stone. Everyone soon got in the boat. They were about to leave when they saw Hahli running towards them. She said that she wanted to come with them and help find the Energy Stone. They accepted her and she got in the boat.
I would suggest expanding this paragraph, making it more descriptive, and having Hahli actually speak her lines.
Another problem I had with the fast biters’ scene is that they are described as looking like they are about to jump into the boat, Littlefoot says that he hopes they don’t try to jump into the boat, and immediately thereafter they jump into the boat (only to be knocked out again a moment later). To make it less repetitive and predictable. I’d suggest removing Littlefoot’s line.Despite their best efforts, the boat still hit a few rocks. Almost everyone was greatly disturbed by the sudden impacts of the boat hitting each rock. One impact almost caused Ducky to fall overboard, but quick action from Takua prevented this. The water was now so rough that Cera started to feel queasy. The gang was now starting to worry if the boat would even stay afloat after all these impacts.
Personally, I think this is another part that could stand to be made more descriptive, particularly the underlined segment.Chapter 38:I found this chapter (particularly the Tarakava battle) to be much better than the previous one. One suggestion I do have is that you explain in greater detail Chomper’s history with the island (i.e., how and/or why he left it). I have to say I was expecting the gang to encounter Chomper’s parents on the island
, as it was never mentioned that they weren’t there anymore.
Chapter 39:I kind of thought that, like Petrie before her, Ducky didn’t get enough to do during the hunt for “her” Energy Stone. (She gets to find the stone herself, at least, but not retrieve it.) In fact, as a result of going to Chomper’s island to find the Energy Stone, the chapter focuses more on Chomper than Ducky.Chapter 40:No offense, but the whole portion of this chapter where Takua wanders off, and later gets attacked by the swimming sharptooth didn’t make sense to me. Takua never gave a reason for why he left the group without telling them, which seems like an extremely irresponsible thing to do, considering that he had the Energy Stone with him, and would be more vulnerable to attacks from Makuta’s minions on his own.
By the way, it wasn’t clear whether the swimming sharptooth that attacked Takua was a shark or a Liopleurodon (though the fact that the gang is on the island near where they encountered one of the former would make that seem more likely). I don’t know how hard protodermis is, but large pliosaurs like Liopleurodon are known to have possessed a bite force far stronger than T. rex’s, so if Red Claw’s jaws are strong enough to pose a danger to a Matoran, then it is unlikely that Takua would have gotten off so easily from a Liopleurodon attack.I did like how you provided a little reprieve from routine at the end of the chapter by having Jala meet them in Ga-Koro to make arrangements for the sixth Energy Stone hunt (as opposed to having the gang uncover the clue, then go to the Matoran village to recruit help, as usual).
