Shorty's Dark Past

[rhombus]

A very nice chapter.    I am really feeling for Ali here.  Dehydrated, hungry, and still angry at her herd, she is obviously in a very difficult situation.  Although I am glad to see that her mother is beginning to take action on her behalf, as any good mother would.

The only problems that I noticed were a few odd word choices:

Utterly sourced up, they finally arrived there.

I am not quite what is being communicated here.  Are you trying to say that the herd is utterly exhausted?  If so, then that would probably be the best way to word that sentence.

"Hey! What enables you to eat our food?!"

The words "what enables" should probably be worded as "what gives you the right".  Enables is not technically an incorrect word to use here, but it does sound odd in this context.

I look forward to the next chapter.   In particular I am curious if Bron's herd is going to put the Old One in her place.  Well, more so then what they have done already in this chapter.  

[Ducky123]

Thank you for the kind words again

Are you trying to say that the herd is utterly exhausted?

Yep, that's what I was trying to get across
I'll gladly do the little rewording, thanks for pointing out

[Ducky123]

Chapter 7:

Ali's Mother planned to leave the herd at her own will because banished members were usually seriously beaten before being chased away.
She ate her full and drank more water than necessary. Hearing the quarrel between the Old One and the visitors at that, she was confirmed that her decision would be the right one. She wondered where the visitors would be heading. Probably to that strange place too.
"Wait a minute!" she suddenly called, talking to herself. "If they are wandering to that strange place, I'll join them."
After the quarrel was over - the Old One had lost much to her pleasure, she walked to the intimidating looking Longneck.
"Uhm, excuse me?" she piped up.
"Yes, please?"
"Do you mind me joining your herd? I don't feel confortable in my herd anymore," she explained, glaring at the Old One in the distance contemptuously.
"I'm not the leader of the herd, mind you. The herd had split up because some of us wanted to eat and drink something before we have to cross the huge desert.The leader's leading the group that took the straight way."
"So does this mean I can't join you?" Ali's Mother asked.
"Nah, 'cause you can! He emphatically said that all Longnecks we meet on our way may join us," he said, twinkling.
"Great! Thank you lots!"
"Don't mention it. I plead you to be up early in the morning though because we ought to hurry if we want to see what our sleepstories are telling us."
"Will do! See you tomorrow!"
"Have a good night!"
Ali's Mother actually bounced around on her way back to her nest.

When Ali had woken up in the next morning, she had more than just an inkling that it was over. She had failed. She would die of thirst pitifully. The worst thing was that it had been her very own decision to dare crossing the desert on her own. She had digged her own grave.
"Now it's too late,"she thought and gave it a try to get to her feet but she was too weak.
The Bright Circle became hotter and hotter. Ali felt her end approaching. She could only think of her mother and of one sentence that she repeated in mind repeatingly. "I'm so sorry, mother! I love you!"
Her eyes were closed slowly; Ali lost consciousness...

Bron's herd got up pretty early indeed the next morning. Before the Bright Circle had rosen into the sky, they had left the little Valley, fast paced.
The Old One spectated Ali's Mother taking her leave with a serious face.
Ali's Mother knew that she was doomed to death, should she ever cross paths with her former herd again which also applied to Ali. The Old One was evil. The other members of the herd were too unsophisticated to get that. But she was sophisticated, swearing to be a better mother to Ali.
"We got to hurry!" the Longneck called. "We want to be there in time, don't we?"
"And I can find my little Ali again faster," Ali's Mother muttered. She had told him the story behind Ali's disappearance and the Old One's scheming.
"How big is the young one's head start?"
"I've last seen her four days ago in the morning which doesn't mean she ran off right away."
"Ah okay."
"You know, the Old One had ordered to raise Ali the way she considered it best. Some time ago, she made a few friends. She had befriended a Longneck boy by the name Littlefoot. The boy's friends, however, weren't Longnecks like us but Ali still befriended them too.  The Old One had ordered that I must teach her that this "All kinds are equal" way of thinking is utterly wrong. This caused a lot of arguing between my daughter and me. We did have a major quarrel in the morning of the day she ran away; Ali had stormed off stubbornly. Recently, she withdrew more and more and I have seen her crying a couple times. She clearly had felt bad. She didn't have any friends in the herd, not only because there are hardly any kids at all. I know my daughter! She went off all alone to meet her friends... Oh my brave Ali!"
"My, I don't like this Ancient One at all! Well, now you're here," he said, offering a weak smile.
"Yeah, luckily you came by."
"Uhm.. don't want to be curious but you said her friend's name was Littlefoot?"
"Yes, why do you ask?"
"Well... Bron, our leader, had lost his family during a severe earthshake a long time ago. His mate was killed by a Sharptooth that simultaniously attacked her. She was trying to protect her son -Littlefoot. His grandparents may have survived but they were certainly separated from Littlefoot. Bron had turned around every rock but he couldn't find them. His only hope that Littlefoot is still alive is that he had made it to the Great Valley, somehow. If you're talking about his Littlefoot, he'll boggle!"
"Ali's friend does live in the Great Valley and the parents in law of your leader do too - that was when we last visited of course."
"He'll look forward to meeting you, be assured of that," the Longneck mused.
"Yeah!" Ali's Mother snickered. "What's your name by the way?"
"I'm Willie. What's your name?"
"My name is Fiona."
"Honey, are you coming?" a voice called out of the crowd.
"Oh, my mate... excuse me, we'll chat another time."
"That's okay. See you!"
"Yeah, see you, Fiona."

For the next few days, the herd followed Ali's tracks.
Ali's Mother had many chats with Willie and other herd members which diverted her a bit from the fact that her daughter was out there, somewhere. All alone and struggling to survive.
 
One evening - the grown-ups had become fairly hungry and specially thirsty in the meantime though they, other than Ali, were still far away from drying out, Fiona believed to see a tiny dot in the distance.
As the Bright Circle had finally disappeared beyond the horizon, she caught a faint cry with her ears.
"Can we send out a small search party?" Ali's Mother questioned. "I believe to have seen my daughter earlier and I just heard a distant cry."
"Listen everybody!" Willie called. "Little Ali just had been spotted! To catch up with her earlier, some of you will escort Fiona here, walking throughout the night. As soon as you have caught up with her, you wait for us to catch up with you. We'll get up when the first bit of light enlightens the morning sky and pick up our speed!"
He glanced at Ali's Mother expectantly having in mind that she should take the responsibility for the little expedition.
"A-alright! Who would like to accompany me?" she called and scanned the crowd.
At first, nobody answered, but as the Longnecks saw her desperate tears, four females and a fairly old male showed some mercy and offered their support.
"Very good! Thank you lots!" she let her companions know. "Let's find Ali!!!"
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No, don't die Ali!!!

Will she make it? See on next Monday when chapter 8 will be installed

[rhombus]

Nice addition.   I hope that Ali can make it.  It is nice to see that Bron's herd, which is made of many longneck species, is more welcoming of newcomers than the Old One's herd.  It is also interesting to see that Bron now has a hint that his son is still alive.

I noticed no real problems in this installment with grammar or spelling issues.  I can't wait until next Monday to see what happens next.  

[Ducky123]

Cool I'm glad you liked it.

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Chapter 8:

As the Bright Circle was high on the sky, Fiona saw what she had been believing to have seen the previous evening. A tiny, pink cloured body lied on the ground in some distance, unmoving.
"There she is!" she informed her escort who were as tired as she was and sourced up. "If we hurry, we'll arrive at her body prior to the worst heat."
"I hope it's not too late!" one of the females exclaimed.
"Hopefully..." Fiona replied shakily. "Let's pick up some speed!"
Her companions agreed eagerly, walking as fast as their legs would carry them...

The herd continued their journey when the dawn arrived. They followed the small search party. Despite their markably increased pace Willie set, they wouldn't arrive at the "little dot" before late afternoon when the Bright Circle would have passed its highest position already.
After a while, a young Longneck asked Willie a question nobody had thought about so far.
"Hey Willie! Important question!"
"What is it, Shorty?" Willie barked back surly. He had never liked Bron's kid and the big efforts and the unbearable heat that would become even more severe weren't really helping to lift his mood.
"What does it help us to find this girl that has run away from her mother, if she'll dry out anyway?"
"Why do you think she's no chance of surviving?"
"Well, do you see a single drop of water around here? Even if we get her in time we can't offer her something to drink so she'd die sooner or later, right?"
"I got to admit that you're pretty smart considering your young age! If only you weren't behaving so bad and being so naughty, we'd get along well."
"Oh, ehm... thanks!"
"I have an idea how we might scrape up some water already."
"That would be?"
"Some members of the herd had lived around here a long time ago. Back then, it was fairly dry, admittedly, but there were still rivers and watering holes, offering enough water and food to get along.The rivers had dried up completely and the watering holes had been buried by sand. Their water, though, should be still there... So if we discover such a ancient watering hole, then we could move away all the sand and there we go. The water would be dirty, unfortunately, but it's still better than no water at all."
That'd be awesome!" Shorty exclaimed excitedly.
"Yeah, that would be indeed. See those rocks over there, Shorty?"
Shorty nodded in acknowledgement.
"When I had wandered through this a dozen Cold Times ago, there was still a small watering hole. If we want to find water, this place is most likeliest to offer us a little water."
"Okay, that sounds like a plan!"
"We need to change our course a little bit towards the rocks but still somewhat to the missed girl!" he called out loud so his part of the herd would certainly acknowledge his words.

The elderly Longneck accompanying Fiona thought alike Shorty. He too wondered about how to get water for the poor girl. After all, there wasn't any water around. Or so they thought...
There were some buried lakes in the vast, barren land one of them being only one day of walking away.
'Wonder if Willie remembers the watering holes...' he thought.

About one hour before the Bright Circle had reached its highest position in the sky the small group arrived at Ali's lifeless body.
"Ali!" Fiona wailed desperately. "Ali, oh Ali!" She started to sob uncontrolledly.
Her escort observed the girl gingerly.
"I believe it's not too late yet," one of them called.
"That's your fault, Old One, YOUR FAULT!!!" Fiona cried not having heard the call.
"Yes, the little one is still breathing weakly. Difficult to see..." the old male mused.
"HUH!?! She-she is al-alive?" Fiona stuttered in misbelief.
"Yes, she is," the Longneck who had made the statement in the first place responded.
"Th-that w-w-wonderf-f-ful!" Ali's Mother stammered.
"Quite," the elderly male stated. "Here's something that might be of your particular interest." Everybody gazed at him.
"I know where to find water..."

Willie was relieved to acknowledge that the small search group was apparently aware of the water since they, like the major part of the herd, were heading towards the supposed dried up watering hole.

Late in the evening - the Bright Circle had disappeared beyond the horizon a while before already - the herd caught up with Fiona's group. They were already fast asleep for they didn't have any sleep in the previous night.
Ali had been put onto Fiona's back. She was very close to dieing, starved and totally dehydrated. Her body had shut down any functions to a minimum, otherwise she had died already.
The Longnecks chose their sleeping spots for the night, falling asleep very quickly due to the fast paced wandering.
Shorty was still awake however. He had to think about his family for he felt lonely, utterly lonely...
Although Bron was somebody taking care of him - often being more careful than he liked, he had never been like a true father. Though his father by blood had been far, far worse... Nevertheless, Shorty missed Bron. Though having failed to fit into the role of a father, he had always been there for Shorty. The young one was used to sleeping beside him. Since they had separated, he slept poorly. Also, he missed the evenings they used to spent together watching the lights in the sky and pursuing their thoughts.
He wholeheartedly wished to see his mother and considered what to do if he didn't meet her. In fact, he didn't know. He only knew he would be saddened and disappointed. Littlefoot, Shorty wanted to get to know too.
The young Longneck wondered how his siblings had been doing all this time. Hopefully, he would see them again as well. One day.
Slowly but continuously, the thinking made him drowsy and soon he found himself closing his eyes having been able to settle down at last.
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Here, I actually decided to merge two short chapters together since they were really short in comparison to the first two chapters for example. I have withdrawn from writing chapters that are considerably shorter than 1000 words. I only make exceptions for the sake of having powerful cliffhangers

In chapter 9, Shorty will do something that will have a high significance later in the story

[rhombus]

So they have found Ali, but she is at death's door.  Well, I suppose the previous chapter pretty much indicated that would be the case.  What I especially liked about this chapter was the focus, towards the end, on Shorty's thoughts concerning Bron.  His introspection on Bron not exactly being fatherly, but at the same time being far more of a father than his birth father, really elaborated upon Shorty's lack of a good male role model in his life.  This helps us to better relate to his 'tough guy' persona that he has developed as a defense mechanism.  Overall, a very good addition.  

The only thing that I would mention is that there are some issues in one of the last sentences of the chapter.

Ali had been put onto Fiona's back. She was very close to dieing, starved and totally dehydrated. Her body had shut down any functions of her body to a minimum, otherwise she had died already.

The two occurrences of "her body" are a bit redundant.  Likewise, a would needs to be added to the last statement.  so it would read something like this:

"The functions of her body had shut down to a minimum, otherwise she would have died already."

Other than that, I noticed no major difficulties.  

[Ducky123]

So they have found Ali, but she is at death's door. sad.gif Well, I suppose the previous chapter pretty much indicated that would be the case. What I especially liked about this chapter was the focus, towards the end, on Shorty's thoughts concerning Bron. His introspection on Bron not exactly being fatherly, but at the same time being far more of a father than his birth father, really elaborated upon Shorty's lack of a good male role model in his life. This helps us to better relate to his 'tough guy' persona that he has developed as a defense mechanism. Overall, a very good addition. in-yes.gif

Thank you very much
Yes, Ali's situation is worrysome... There will be a possible way to rescue her from certain death of dehydration but... *spoiler* Well, it'll be weird (at least I think it's not something you'd expect).
Anyway, I'm happy that you liked the last paragraph Shorty's thoughts about Bron will change considerably later in the story.
As for Shorty being a "tough guy", you'll see how "tough" he actually is in the next chapter, yep, yep, yep.

Also, thanks for pointing out these small mistakes again (I know I'm saying that in every reply to your reviews )

[Ducky123]

Warning: There is some violence in this chapter, just saying

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Chapter 9:

The herd continued their journey prior to dawn so that they would arrive at their destination before the Bright Circle would have risen to her highest position, torturing poor Ali with its brutal heat.
When Shorty managed to get a look on Ali during their long trek, he was terrified. The girl looked worse than he had imagined. Cadaverous and dried out, she looked like a corpse rather than a living creature. Nonetheless, Shorty puzzled about her eye-colour. He had to admit that the girl was sort of pretty despite her terrible state. Somewhat bemused, he began to run to argue with two of the little Longnecks he had once protected bravely.
The little ones haven't ever expressed their appreciation for his efforts in his book. Besides, Shorty simply loved to order them around or to bully them out of pure pleasure. As he had approached them enough, he raised his tail and flicked a pebble which hit one of the little ones at the back of his head. The little Longneck fell over and began to bawl in pain.
Shorty hid inbetween some herd members not to be caught by the adoptive mother of the little one. Nonetheless, she was aware of the malefactor for Shorty did such things regularly. Bron's authority prevented Shorty from getting punished for his misbehavior. Mostly, his adoptive father would criticise him and leave it at that which Shorty wasn't impressed by at all.
The female grabbed her son and placed him on her back where he stopped crying soon.
After a couple minutes, Shorty dared to show his face again. He ran towards the other young Longneck, a girl being black as the night. Shorty kept teasing her about that.
"Hey Shadow!" he called over to the girl.
The jetblack girl ignored Shorty.
"Been falling into a tar pit, eh?" Shorty continued to provoke her.
"Leave me alone!" she called.
"Leave me alone!" Shorty mimiced her. "I can do what I want, got it?!"
"Nope, you can't!" she argued.
"So what, eh???" Shorty said threateningly. "Who says anyway?"
"My dad. Scoot now!"
"I didn't hear the magic word," Shorty chuckled smugly.
"Leave me alone, you jerk!" she screamed.
"What've ya just said, you ugly daughter of a tar pit?!" Shorty whispered and pushed her.
"TAKE THAT BACK!!!" she roared, returning the push.
The push of the girl was exactly what Shorty tried to achieve. Now having an excuse to physically attack her, he rammed into the girl, throwing her to the ground. Groaning, the physically inferior girl tried to defend her skin but Shorty was too violent. He kicked, bit and beat the little one until she remained lying on the ground, snivelling.
"Seeya later, cry-hatchling!" Shorty called and snickered spitefully. As a parting gift, he flicked a rock of the size of a egg and striked straight into her face. A small bleeding injury resulted in it.

When the Bright Circle had eventually reached a high position in the sky, they arrived at the place where Willie presumed water to exist. Of course, they couldn't see the water though.
"I can't see water!" somebody bitched.
"Now we've wandered around for nothing!" another Longneck complained.
"Calm down..." Willie spoke. "Don't worry. The water will be there. Now we have to dig it out. The deeper we dig, the more sand and dirt we push away, the wetter the dirt will get until we encounter the water, eventually," he explained. Though, he wasn't completely assured it would be there still...
"So how long will it take us?" a member of the herd asked.
"Until we have freed the water..." Willie answered. "I can't say how much time that will need, however."
"I beseech you... don't discuss but dig!" Fiona demanded, disdraught. She was sick of her concern for her girl. She would do everything to allow Ali to open her wonderful, brightly blue eyes again. Actually, Ali was such a beautiful girl in her eyes that Fiona was surprised to see Ali still being unconquered by the other sex. She was certain that her daughter would break some hearts throughout the process of growing up.
"Wait a moment! Hasn't Ali fallen in love herself already? with Littlefoot?" she thought. "A possibility; after all, Ali did and does miss her friends from the Great Valley..."
The herd began to clear away the dirt by usage of their feet, necks and tails, though they were doing it grudgingly.
Fiona just wanted to help them as Willie stepped into her way.
"You should get some rest and carry yout daughter out of the heat. We'll do fine. Let's hope that the help doesn't come too late..."
"But... okay," she agreed and walked to the high mountain that towered over the scenery. It offered her some protection from the burning rays of the Great Circle.
Again, she took the opportunity to think. All events were her fault alone! If only she had left the herd earlier! If only she had educated Ali the way she considered right and not the way the Old One did! If only, if only, if only... If her daughter made it - she was confident she would despite all the anxiety and distress she was suffering off, she would be a much better mother. She would be a mother Ali could love again, a mother not preventing her from having fun as long as there wasn't danger and a mother only wanting the best for her little one! Ali was tired of the dull life in a herd. Continously wandering around, changing location which prevented her from making and keeping contact to friends - her friends in the Great Valley being the only ones she had, constantly being in danger and, of course, obeying the leader, wasn't what Ali desired. Therefore, at that very moment, she sweared to settle down in the Great Valley with Ali. This heavenly place was almost impossible to break in for Sharpteeth since the high mountains, that bordered the utterly hospitable, green, lush and highly populated valley as a sort of wall, prevented them from breaking in. Ali could grow up with her friends in peace there - just what she had desired since an eternity.
Gingerly, she grabbed her hardly recognisable daughter from her back and placed her on the ground just as gingerly. She unflaggingly stared at her daughter for some time. Tears created small craters in the ground that was being baked by the Bright Circle every day. Although she watched her daughter for a long time, she couldn't see her life signs. She knew that Ali was in a pre-death state due to severe lack of liquid in her body. Outerly, she appeared to be dead but innerly her body was still circulating her blood very, very slowly. Without help, she had no chance to wake up from this suspended animation. Ali seemed to be in this state, Fiona hoped. That it was not too late yet...

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So yeah, as you can see, Shorty got a little violent here. As you will see, this will be very important later. Hope you like the little insight on Ali's Mother

I'm not yet sure if I can manage to upload the next chapter next week... you'll see eventually It'll be nothing special though Bron will have a rather interesting scene.

[rhombus]

This was a very good addition.  I especially liked how you elaborated upon Shorty's shortcomings in this chapter.  He has not yet gone through the character growth that we saw in the tenth film, but is still bullying the other children.  The fact that Bron's favoritism is preventing Shorty from being brought into line also shows a weakness in Bron's character as well.  Perhaps he is giving favorable treatment to Shorty, because he reminds him of the son that he had for so long believed to be dead?  Either way, it will be interesting to see how that subplot resolves itself.  Likewise, Fiona's thoughts on the situation were expressed quite nicely.  

I only noticed three very minor issues:

The herd continued their journey prior to dawn so that they would arrive at their destination before the Bright Circle would have rosen to her highest position, torturing poor Ali with its brutal heat.

This should read "...the Bright Circle would have risen.."

Cadaverous and dried out, she looked like a corpse rather than like a living creature.

The second like should be omitted, so that it reads: "she looked like a corpse rather than a living creature."

"Wait a moment! Hasn't Ali fallen in love herself already? in Littlefoot?"

The last sentence should be modified to read:  "With Littlefoot?"

Overall, however, the issues are mainly cosmetic and did not affect the flow of the story.  In fact, the various forms of "risen" (and especially "awake" in my case) which are used depending on whether the sentence is in the past or present tense, or active or passive form, still cause me trouble as well, and I am a 30-year old native English speaker.   I have been guilty of making some notable errors in my story involving those words that I have only found due to proofreading several times.  

I look forward to seeing how Ali gets out of her current predicament.  She is obviously very dehydrated and as a result her blood pressure has dropped and she will have a fast, thready pulse that may be undetectable.  Even if she were to be suddenly rehydrated, a medium-term delirious state and neuromuscular problems could result due to an electrolyte imbalance.  I hope that they give her help soon, otherwise Ali may be in store for some serious medical complications.

[Ducky123]

Thanks for the review

Perhaps he is giving favorable treatment to Shorty, because he reminds him of the son that he had for so long believed to be dead?

Well, not exactly what I had in mind but it's a good reason for Bron's relaxed education style. As you will see, Bron will be forced to change that behavior later on. Though I don't want to give away too much

Either way, it will be interesting to see how that subplot resolves itself.

I'm not sure whether my idea will be liked... Let's just say it will become... darker  

"rise" is tricky indeed Thanks for pointing out as always

As for Ali... I won't go into detail. Since a lot of events occur within a short time, I decided to rush the rest of the journey a bit. They will have reached their destination in a few chapters.

The next chapter is probably only proofread by myself so there may be a slightly higher amount of issues

[Ducky123]

Chapter 10:

Even in the late evening, when the Bright Circle had long since disappeared beyond the horizon, the Longnecks hadn't been able to dig out any water. The sand they were unremittingly loosening up and shifting away had only become slightly moister. Though Willie wasn't a guy that resigned early...
Until late in the night, the Longnecks drudged. Fiona eventually joined them despite Willie trying to convince her to get some well needed rest.
In the following morning, they kept digging. Ali still wasn't showing any signs of life, although she was still alive according to some elderly Longnecks.
After a while, one of them exclaimed. "Is it just me or is the sand getting wetter?"
"Longnecks! Free the water first so we can finally save young Ali. You may increase the hole's sides later!" Willie called over to them and started to work himself.
In the evening, the miracle had been accomplished: At last, they possessed some water, although it rather looked like dirt.
"Let the little girl drink now," Willie spoke. "We'll increase the hole's size afterwards so that all of you can have a well deserved drink."
Fiona gingerly grabbed Ali and placed her within the brown puddle in a way that the water could flow into the young one's mouth. Nothing happened for minutes. Some of the herd members chatted in a whispering tone; most of them awaited something to occur.
Shorty stood on the top of the dirt and sand wall that had been build up around the hole. As if petrified, he watched the girl drink. He saw her swallowing the water so she had to be alive. Nevertheless, he knew that her survival wasn't yet secured...

After Fiona had carried her daughter to a safe place, she wandered along between the still toiling members of the herd to tell everybody whom she met how much she appreciated their efforts until the old Longneck that had been a part of the search commando told her something that really made her thoughtful.
"Why no problem, dear lady. Nothing that you wouldn't have done for somebody in need as well, am I right?"
Fiona was surprised mainly because she wasn't used to this kind of attitude but also because the herd didn't even want anything in return... They had risked their lives, the success of their journey for a complete newby in the herd. For that, she would be forever grateful. Having returned to the body of her daughter that already showed slight signs of life, she considered staying with the herd until she finally fell asleep, dreaming the familiar dream another time...

Bron looked into the sky. Not a single Sky Puffy blocked his view at the moon, stars and meteors that occasionally jetted through the sky. The adult Longneck remembered many events of his childhood... particularly meeting his big love, the mother of his son...
Bron sighed. Life could be perfect if they were still by his side; they could be a perfect family. "You have to accept what the Great Circle of Life is going to bring us," a familiar voice said. He had been still in the Time of Big Growing when he was taught about the Great Circle of Life. By that time, he was already friends with his mate so he obviously knew her parents as well. When his mother had passed on back then, the mother of his girlfriend, later known as Grandma Longneck, who was his mother in law, had told him about it. Bron didn't like the message back then and he still could live without it fairly well but he did accept it. Life wasn't always easy for everyone, some dinosaur would always suffer of something.
Bron's mind moved on to a more pleasant topic. The other day, he had spotted a little forest that grew on the flanks of a fairly high mountain range that the Longnecks would likely have to cross to get to their destination. Now, he just had to wait for the other part of his herd to arrive here.. They'd spot the high mountains and the green food for sure, especially after such a long period without any green stuff around...

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There's some hope for Ali now Of course I wouldn't have killed her

The next chapter will be a little rushed for the reasons I stated in my last post. It'll deal with the reunion of the two herd parts, the reunion of Bron and Shorty

[rhombus]

Finally things are beginning to look up for poor Ali.    I also liked how you elaborated on Fiona's thoughts about the selflessness of the other longnecks.  The fact that she did not expect such altruism says quite a lot about her previous herd.

With regards to the story, I only found a few mistakes.

At last, they possessed some water, albeit it rather looked like dirt.

The "albeit" should probably be replaced with "although" in this context.

"You have to accept what the Great Circle of Life is going to bring us,"

You need to revise the second italics symbol with a "/" so that it appears in italics.

And this statement perplexed me:

Bron looked into the sky. Not a single Sky Puffy blocked his view at the moon, stars and starships that occasionally jetted through the sky.

Did you mean meteors, by any chance?  Otherwise, I have to suppose that Earth is right next to a major trade corridor for whatever alien species the Rainbowfaces were.  

Overall, however, a nice (albeit brief) addition to the story.  

[Ducky123]

Thanks for the review again. I'm happy that at least you are reviewing my work. Feedback is rare these days, sadly

Did you mean meteors, by any chance? Otherwise, I have to suppose that Earth is right next to a major trade corridor for whatever alien species the Rainbowfaces were. dino_tongue.gif

Oh damn! I always thought starships are meteors... shouldn't translate certain words too literally Thanks for pointing out, yep, yep, yep.

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Chapter 11:

They stayed one more day to make sure Ali wouldn't run out of water too soon again. Besides, Ali wasn't the only thirsty Longneck.
Bron eventually sent back one of his strongest fighters in order to find and lead the bigger group to him.
Five days after Bron had found the forest, the herd was reunited at last. The whole time, Ali hadn’t shown any signs of consciousness but one could clearly tell she was still alive; she probably just needed some food to regain her senses.
Nevertheless, Bron planned to move early in the following morning. They had already lost enough valuable time...

"Shorty! Nice to see you again!" Bron called in a comradely way.
"Bron! How you've been?" Shorty answered.
"I have to admit it was kinda boring without any Sharpteeth attacking," Bron mused. "And without you of course."
"I can tell, we haven't been under attack either," Shorty said.
"Alright then, I'm glad you're all fine. Now we can finally get to move over these mountains."
"Do we have to?" Shorty retorted. "These mountains look murderous."
"It's a major shortcut. Since we need to make up for the slowness of your group, it's the only option." Bron explained.
"Don't you think you should ask the herd first?" Shorty spoke carefully.
"No, they're gonna make it over these mountains undoubtedly so there's no point in calling for  another meeting."
"Well, I assume you know what to do..." Shorty muttered.
"Yes, I do," Bron answered. "Why did you take so long anyhow?"
"Well, that's a long story..." Shorty mused.
"Would you mind telling me about it?" Bron questioned the green boy.
"You'd make me tell you anyway so yeah, I'm gonna tell you about it," Shorty answered cooly. Both had to suppress laughter.
"Being the leader I am, I could make you tell me indeed..." Bron joked.
"Anyway, so at that place that had food and water, we've met a strange herd of Longnecks. Their leader was acting really offensive. One of them joined our group. Her daughter had run off from their leader, as it seemed, so she was wandering around in the wasteland. By the time we picked her up, she was almost dead. Fortunately, Willie knew where to get some water..."
"The dried up watering holes..." Bron mumbled.
"You got it! Anyway, we dug a hole deep enough to get water for the little girl and increased its size so that everybody could get a drink. We eventually got to move when the girl seemed to have drunk enough water. Then your envoy spotted us and lead us to this forest."
"You were serious when you said you've been bored, weren't you?" Bron wondered.
"Well, it WAS boring most of the time since we were simply wandering through a bloody wasteland," Shorty responded.
"Okay then... What do you think about them?"
"Well, I haven't really spoken to the adult. About the girl, I can only say that... well, that she's beautiful. I hope she'll be alright soon."
"Okay. How's the girl's recovery going then?"
"Well, they gave her water and food right when we arrived here... She's still unconscious and sunburned in a nasty, nasty way. Her whole skin is sore and burned."
"Yikes! Poor girl..."
"Yeah.. not to mention how thin she is..."
Both fell silent. Soon they settled down for the night, so did the herd.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alright, another rather short chapter Chapter length will increase in a few chapters (up to 2500 words or so )

In the next chapter, you are going to see how Bron meets Fiona. You can guess what happens I think

[rhombus]

So now Bron's herd has finally been reunited and he has found out about Ali's plight. A rather short chapter, but it does set things up so that the plot can continue to move forward.  

There were a few things that I noticed:

"It's a major shortcut. Since we need to make up for your group's slowniness, it's the only option." Bron explained.

"Slowniness" should be replaced with "slowness" or "tardiness".

Their leader was acting really offending.

"offending" should be replaced with "offensive".

Overall, I rather liked the rapport between Bron and Shorty that has been depicted in this story thus far.  It is almost the kind of interaction that one would expect between a nephew and an uncle as opposed to father and son.  However, this is reasonable on account of how Shorty and Bron met and the fact that Bron has not formally "adopted" Shorty as of yet.  It is also reasonable that Shorty would not want to submit to a traditional father-son relationship on account of his relations with his actual father.  He is displaying the mannerisms in many ways of a "street-wise" kid who had too learn to grow up way too fast, and thus he is mature in some ways but is also very immature in others.  I am unsure if this is what you were going for in your depiction of him, but nonetheless it fits very well.  

I look forward to the next installment.  

[Ducky123]

I'm one day late, sorry. Needed to read through the proofreading I got send at the weekend (thank you bushwacked )

You sum up their relation pretty well, actually. You could indeed see Shorty like a kid that grew up on the streets... His past will become the more important the more progress the story has...

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Chapter 12:

The next morning, Bron gathered the herd and lead them into the mountains. He just felt that, despite the efforts it brought along, it was the right way to go and many members of his herd seemed to think alike.
Fiona had given her daughter water and food and gathered some food so Ali could eat for the next few days. Water would be easy to get in the mountains since they could simply eat snow. Ali didn't show any signs of consciousness nevertheless.
While they were climbing a mountain, Bron searched for Fiona to get to know her.
"Fiona, is that you?" He questioned a Longneck that looked just like Shorty had described her.
"Yes, I am Fiona, who are you?" Fiona replied.
"I'm Bron, the leader of this herd," Bron introduced himself. "And this poor girl on your back is..."
"Ali, my daughter," Fiona answered.
"I've heard rumors about her story, are they true? I'd like you to tell me the story, if you don't mind."
"Sure, I will tell you everything."
With that Fiona began to tell Bron the story from the beginning to the end. Bron listened eagerly, gasping and nodding from time to time.
"Oh my, it's a miracle your daughter's still alive..." Bron exclaimed when Fiona had finished.
"I didn't believe she'd make it at all anymore and I'm still not completely sure whether she'll be alright anytime soon," Fiona replied.
"I'm sure she will recover eventually," Bron affirmed.
"I hope so..." Fiona sighed.
"Anyway, you talked about friends of Ali in the Great Valley... When you've been there, have you met two elderly Longnecks there?"
"Yes, my daughter helped to save the male from a nasty sickness along with her friends among whom was the nephew of the old Longneck."
"Okay, and do you remember the name of his nephew???" Bron got extremely excited.
"His name is L-L-Littlef-f-foot..." a voice whispered.
"ALI!" Fiona called in joy. "I can't tell you how glad I am hearing your sweet voice again!"
"LITTLEFOOT!? Seriously???" Bron screamed bursting in excitement.
"Yes, but would you please be quieter?" Ali responded.
"Oh yes, I'm sorry.." Bron said, ashamed of his uncontrolled behavior. " You must know that I have been searching for a better place to live for my mate, my parents in law and my unborn son. However, a powerful earthshake destroyed everything. My mate died in a battle with a Sharptooth as I've been told and I don't know if anyone else has made it out of it alive. They were heading for the Great Valley that I was trying to find. I, however, found a different place that offered plenty of water and food as well. I searched for them for a long while but I couldn't find them so I went to the place I found. On my way, many others joined me. That way, I became the leader of my herd, something I never wanted to be. But as the time went by, I discovered that I'm indeed a suitable leader. Anyway, when you told me that my parents in law and my son are probably still alive, I got a little too excited. After all this time... it would be so cool to meet my family again..."
"Oh, that's quite a tale," Fiona exclaimed in awe. "So Littlefoot is your son?"
"Yes..." Bron replied, smiling shily.
"I didn't know Littlefoot has a father..." Ali said.
"I bet he isn't aware of that either," Bron admitted.
"Are you mad at me mum?" Ali questioned.
"I am mad at you for almost dying. Do you actually know how close you were to death?"
Ali nodded in shame.
"I think the pain you will have for quite some time will prevent you from running off in the future."
"Yes mum, I'm sorry. I know it was utterly wrong," Ali admitted.
"Nonetheless, I owe you a huge thanks for opening my eyes."
Ali's saddened face turned into a smiling one.
"I finally realised how wrong the Old One's views on certain things were, including educating you."
"You mean..."
"Yes, we aren't going to return. We will join Bron's herd for the time being and travel to the place our sleep stories lead us to," Ali's Mother stated.
"That's cool, mum!" Ali called happily.
"We might meet your friend there, just saying..."
"Whoo!" Ali celebrated.
"That makes two of us I suppose," Bron chuckled. "Three counting my adopted son..."
"Who is that?" Ali asked.
"I stumbled across a few orphaned, little Longnecks during my long search and Shorty was the only one that wasn't adopted later so I adopted him. He's quite a flatterer, I’m warning you."
"Hehe, I'm sure we'll get along well," Ali snickered.
"Now, you better rest dear," Fiona suggested. "You're very weak so you need time to recover. Eat a few treestars and try to sleep some more."
"Yaaaaaaaaaaawn! Will do."
Ali consumed a few treestars and fell asleep easily.
"I gotta go now, I see a crossroads in front of us," Bron announced. "I'd be up to some more talking tomorrow. I'll bring along Shorty so he can get to know your daughter."
"Sounds good to me, seeya and thank you for accepting me into this herd."
"I'm not picky, everybody is generally welcome to join." Bron smiled. "Bye!"
"Goodbye!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ali's back! Party!!!

Right... in the next chapter, Ali is going to meet Shorty. You'll like it, probably

[rhombus]

Very nice chapter.   Ali is has finally regained consciousness and now Bron knows for certain that Littlefoot is alive.  It will be interesting to see where you go with this.   I am especially looking forward to seeing how Shorty interacts with Ali.

[Ducky123]

Failed to upload last week but that was mainly since writer's block doesn't exactly makes me fire 'em out... I'll soon run out of ammo, so to say

Thanks for your review, rhombus You'll now get to see how the two youngsters meet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~+

Chapter 13:

Bron and Fiona did indeed meet the next day during a break at a small watering hole. Accompanied by a few others, they were just talking about anything.
Fiona had placed Ali close to the water so she wouldn't have to strain her beaten body any further. The Longneck girl was waiting for Shorty who joined her soon after.
"Hey, you happen to be Ali?" he greeted her.
"Yes, that's me," Ali replied, smiling mildly. "You must be Bron's adopted son, Shorty."
"Yeah, wanna swim some?"
"Ehhh, I don't think I have enough strength to swim yet," Ali objected. "See.. I need to recover a little more. I'm actually told to move only if necessary..."
"Ah, I get'cha! I consider what you did amazing and brave; not many children would dare running off after all."
"Really? Well, I didn't have another choice, actually. It was either daring to run off or slowly shrivelling away..."
"Huh?! Was it that bad in your old herd?"
"Yes! Our leader is very racial and strict. She forced my mother to raise me the way she did."
"Aw, sounds crappy!"
"Quite... Y'know I have met friends at the Great Valley some time ago. I, at first, was reluctant to befriend them because they weren't Longnecks like us except Littlefoot..."
"You said Littlefoot, didn't ya?"
"Yeah, you know him, too???"
"Never met him but I've been told about him."
"Really? What do you know about him?"
"Not much 'cept that Bron's his dad and his mum died when he was still very young."
"Okay..."
"So.. what were ya about to tell me?"
"Oh right, long story short Littlefoot and I became friends quickly and after having a dangerous adventure, the rest of them grew on me as well... They're the only friends I ever made in my life... which was probably due to travelling around all the time... I miss them extremely!"
"Awww, sounds like you didn't have a great childhood, eh?"
"You bet!"
"Well, we're stuck in the same Sinking Sands as it seems?"
"Huh?!"
"Well... my dad was violent, abusing me and my siblings. He was addicted to eating certain leaves."
"Geez!"
"Yeah, my mum left him before we even hatched. I eventually ran off."
"Gee, we're so alike, you and me..."
"Funny, ain't it?"
"Yeah, what happened then?"
"I was straying though the lands for ages, finding a few orphanes on my way. I protected them until I stumbled across Bron. He took care of me and as the time went on, he sorta adopted me."
"Doesn't sound too bad to me."
"Well, it wasn't always as easy as you may think now... Bron sucks as a nanny and I..." Shorty swallowed hard. "I never had any playmates. Nobody wanted to deal with me at all."
"Say Shorty, are you my twin?" Ali chuckled.
"Well, not really... but it's a nice thought, ain't it?"
"Agreed! You-you don't mind having me as a friend, do you?" Ali asked, sending Shorty a shy smile.
"T-that's kind of you, Ali! Did I already tell you that you're beautiful?"
Ali couldn't help it but giggle at hearing Shorty's honest flattery.
"How precious of you," she snickered.
"Because it's true!"
Both stared to the mountains that surrounded them.
"You think that I'm beautiful even though I'm looking terrible at the moment?" Ali asked in a more serious tone.
"Yes!"
"I'll leave it at that. I'm happy that you think so, Shorty," Ali whispered, smiling.
"Know any games we can play without movin' much???"
"Yeah, I call it the Sky Puffies Game."
"Ah, I get'cha! It's this game where you'd look into the sky and try to figure out what shapes the Sky Puffies resemble, right?""Yes, you got it. Let's play it!"
"Yeah."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you had some fun at reading this

In the next chapter, the journey's destination comes into sight. Besides, the plot will further elaborate on the relationship between the two young longnecks

[rhombus]

Nice.  The two longnecks have now exchanged words and seem to be getting along quite well.   In fact, with scenes like this:

"T-that's kind of you, Ali! Did I already tell you that you're beautiful?"
Ali couldn't help it but giggle at hearing Shorty's honest flattery.
"How precious of you," she snickered.
"Because it's true!"
Both stared to the mountains that surrounded them.
"You think that I'm beautiful even though I'm looking terrible at the moment?" Ali asked in a more serious tone.
"Yes!"
"I'll leave it at that. I'm happy that you think so, Shorty," Ali whispered, smiling.

It seems like Shorty is quite the flatterer.  It will be interesting to see how this sweet side of the green longneck eventually clashes with the bully aspect of his character.  Somehow I doubt that Ali will respond very kindly to that part of his personality.  Of course, perhaps having a companion of his age will calm the feelings of abandonment and insecurity that gives rise to such behavior.  :unsure:

I look forward to seeing where you go with this.  

[Ducky123]

Hehe, you're right . Shorty is quite the flatterer indeed. The possible conflicts that might occur later in the story that you indicated are good guesses I must admit.

The story will become very interesting soon and the chapters are becoming fairly long (1000-2500 words)...

Thanks for the review, yep, yep, yep!

[RockingScorpion]

Soo, I went through your story during the last two hours. I can be a pretty fast reader if I want to, all it takes for me to do that is something interesting to read.

And now that I'm done with it, there are two things I have to say/ask:
Shorty..you better not get more serious than that. xD
Just kidding, he can do what he wants. It's just that I normally don't ship anything, but when I do, it's...guess yourself. LBT 4 was the only sequel I had as a kid, and I was old enough back then to already think about stuff like that.^^

The other thing:
Next chapter? When?!

You have an interesting story concept going on here. You go a little harsh on some of the characters, but you're not overdoing that, and I always had a thing for stories that aren't all happy 'n stuff.^^
The characters are well-written and the characters you changed a little bit still behave realistic, given the situations they're in.

I don't know what else I could say here, so...
Looking forward to your next chapter.