First of all, I am always generally welcome of new and ambitious writers on the forum, as are probably others as well. That being said, writing is something that while entertaining, must be taken seriously in order to produce sufficient content. Not everyone is up for this challenge at the start, and that includes me. But when people give constructive criticism about your work, you have a chance to improve, if you allow it to happen. I certainly have improved quite a lot ever since people started to give me valuable feedback, and while it may not always be positive, the negative things serve considerably more in my opinion. The foremost trait a person must have in this scenario, is learning to take negative feedback as constructive.
Grammar: ImpracticalDino already went through this one, and I very much agree with him here. Grammar is one of those things that are very important to the overall quality of the story you are writing, as many people tend to shy away from stories that are filled with grammatical errors. For someone whose mother tongue is not English, this can prove to be very difficult at times. Personally, I have always loved English as a subject, which was pretty much the one thing I cared about throughout my entire life. I’d advise you to learn more about the language itself before jumping blindly into writing. I’m sure there are many tutorials out there on the internet that delve into this particular problem.
Plot: This is another very important detail, as without the plot, there really is no overall story. A writer must be able to sell the idea to the reader early on, preferably during the first few paragraphs, as that lays the foundation of the entire narrative, and without it you’re pretty much going into it blind. A story doesn’t usually just come to you in a blink of an eye – it takes time and deep pondering of specific plot points and their meaning to the story. Ask yourself; is this particular scene really needed? Personally, I mostly shy away from stories that don’t seem to have any overall plot set, and I’d advise you to ponder about this with care. I am in the process of drafting a long story right now, and while it is going rather slow, I enjoy every last minute of it and that’s the key to writing a good story; you must enjoy it yourself. Do it for yourself, not for anyone else.
Structure: There’s really not much for me to say about this, except echo what ImpracticalDino has already said. Splitting the paragraphs is a very good idea, as too long paragraphs become extremely hard to read after a while. Truth be told, I am guilty of doing this few times in my life, and when I look at my earlier works now, I can already spot plenty of where I could have been more industrious. However, making mistakes is what teaches us the best. I’d actually encourage you to make mistakes, as that is how you will learn not to do them anymore. This method may not work for everyone, but I find it highly practical. Splitting the dialogue is not always needed, but approach it however you like and whatever option feels best suited for you specifically.
Like I previously mentioned, I am not usually one for idiosyncratic stories like this one, and I doubt there are many here who actually like such stories, but that is just my presumption, so don’t take it to heart. Once more, I sincerely advise you to think about different plot developments and character improvement. Deviating from the original concept of a certain character is usually a very bad idea, as that tends to not only upset readers, but in a worst case scenario result in utter disaster. I wholeheartedly hope that you take these critiques as a means to improve creative writing. No author here became a good one in one night, it takes time, effort and practice. And what is arguably the pinnacle of creative writing; show, don’t tell. This is something that almost every new writer struggles at first, but with practice and dedication that can easily be fixed.
