The Gang of Five
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The Weight of Decisions

DarkWolf91

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Well, this has been a long time coming! Thanks to inspiration from the excellent writings of JulianR94, Rhombus, and Ducky123, I have finally decided to sit down and finish something. I was going to name it 'Hard Choices,' but a quick google search revealed that to be the title of Hillary Clinton's memoirs :lol

I am pretty terrible at fiction writing, but I guess the only way to get better is to keep at it, so here goes nothing :smile All criticism is greatly appreciated! My writing style can get kind of... boring, I think. If I stick to this long enough, I might dust off my old fanfiction.net account and upload it there, too!

The Weight of Decisions is a fanfiction mostly centered on Shorty, Bron, and Littlefoot, and how they come to terms with their relationships with one another. It takes place right before the beginning of Journey of the Brave, (though it continues on past the ending) and might attempt to explain a few things from the film :rolleyes

The first chapter will be posted shortly! Just gotta finish formatting it.



DarkWolf91

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Kind of an intro chapter, not very long. They may get longer in the future :D

CHAPTER 1 - The Test

A quarter moon hung low in the sky over a thick system of woodlands, patched endlessly together with open fields. The landscape was still bathed in deep shadows, but light pinks and blues were just beginning to brighten the dusky purple of the eastern sky, and the chill of impending dawn hung in the air. Sparse moonlight outlined the sleeping forms of a sizable group of longnecks, dotted here and there with other dinosaurs. The night was nearly over. They had walked a long way already, and would soon be walking again.

 There was one, however, who had found little rest. The silhouette of a small dinosaur wound its way through the trees, its reckless movements tearing through the silence. A mild breeze shook crystalline drops of dew from a few low-lying branches to pelt the offender, and light through a break in the canopy revealed the young, forest green longneck as he passed beneath. The youngling ridge-head, known to his herd as Shorty, didn’t notice the dew, or the dawn, and paid scant attention to his route. He treated each obstacle as a personal affront, trampling tall drifts of grass and shouldering his way through thick shrubs.

“Why am I even doing this?” He muttered under his breath, shaking a few broken twigs off of his crest. “I have better things to do than watch some dumb kid all morning. Ah, forget it. I’ll leave as soon as-“
He stumbled a little, and heard a muffled yelp from the former sleeper whose unfortunate tail ended up in his way.

“H-hey! Watch where you’re walking!”

“Bite me!”

The offended party, a young adult swimmer, grumbled and made as if to follow, but thought better of it. With a resigned sigh, the swimmer turned away and settled back into sleep.

Shorty’s regular stomping eased up as he approached a break in the trees. He picked his way carefully through the underbrush and stopped behind a clump of leafy plants as he neared the edge of the clearing. By pushing his head through the leaves just slightly, he could see them clearly enough: three fully grown longnecks and a young one, only slightly larger than Shorty himself.

One of the longnecks in the center, a large red-brown male, lifted his head to survey the forest. He waited in silence for a moment and then, satisfied, lowered his head to address the young longneck.

“Dimitri, your parents tell me you’ve earned the right to take the test today.”
It was a terse, straightforward admission- while strong in other areas, Bron, the heard leader, had never been one to play up ceremonies. “Are you ready?”

The young longneck took a deep breath. “Yes, sir.”

Bron nodded. He turned his attention back to the other two.

“I’m only here to make sure this is fair. Dimitri has to face this test alone.”
The two adult longnecks nodded solemnly, one of them flashing the young one a brief supporting smile as they both moved out of the testing area. Bron towered over the diminutive navy-blue longneck left standing before him.

Shorty snorted in derision. The test was personal business. Ordinarily, Bron wouldn’t have anything to do with this young longneck’s time of testing, even though he was the herd leader. But things had changed.

“The first task will test your strength and perseverance. I’ve placed a red treestar at the top of this ridge. The only way to retrieve it…”

Blah blah blah… Seen it.

The first task was roughly the same every time, as there wasn’t much of a way to cheat it. Climb the ridge, or gorge, or cliff, depending on where they were, and get the treestar. The next two tasks were where things started to get interesting.

Bron seemed to have finished the instruction session, and the two made their way along the edge of the clearing, closer to Shorty’s hiding spot. The ridge was a steep incline of dirt, tree roots, and stone that reached about halfway up Bron’s neck.

Of course, longnecks didn’t usually try to cheat the test. Not the adults, at least. But word had gotten out that Bron was looking for several promising young ones to train as future herd defenders, and that alone was enough to get some of the more ambitious members of the herd on edge. His first choice, of course, had been Littlefoot. He had even made the call to return to the valley long before their usual time of visiting to give his son the test. Fortunately, Littlefoot had passed. Unfortunately, the second attempt to get Littlefoot to join the herd hadn’t gone exactly as Bron planned.

“Woah!”

The young longneck slid backwards as a foothold crumbled under his weight. He snagged a root with his teeth and, with obvious effort, hauled himself back onto safer footing. He was about halfway up the ridge at that point.

Ugh, this is hard to watch. It isn’t even that high, just climb it already!

Shorty was bored, exhausted, and frustrated. His legs were still sore from yesterday’s march, and it was starting to look like he wasn’t going to learn anything that he didn’t already know. His thoughts wandered back to the day of Littlefoot’s test.

-------

As the rest of the herd passed by, Bron’s mournful gaze was fixed on the valley. Every time he left was like losing his son all over again, but this time was worse. Littlefoot stood on a low rock ledge by the valley entrance, and the silence between the two of them spoke for itself.

“Dad, I’m sorry. I can’t. I told you before. Grandma and grandpa… my friends… they need me.”

Bron let his son’s words hang in the air for a moment. He knew the chance had been a slim one, but he had held on to the idea for so long. And he had never been very good at letting go.

“…I know, Littlefoot. I don’t blame you.”

“Dad, I-“

“No, it’s alright. I understand. I guess I just got a little too attached to the idea of you following in my footsteps.”
Bron’s smile didn’t touch the deep sadness in his eyes.
“We’ll be back next year, Littlefoot. Stay safe, and take care of your friends. They’re lucky to have a… a leader like you.”
He gave his son one last, lingering look, and turned to follow his herd.

“Bye, dad,” Littlefoot said softly, turning his head away from the retreating form of his father.

“Littlefoot!”

Littlefoot’s head jerked upright. He struggled to hide the crack in his voice as he formed his response. “Shorty?”

Seeing the unshed tears in his adoptive brother’s eyes made Shorty regret addressing him. He had heard the parting words between father and son, and knew roughly what had transpired beforehand, but this was the only chance he would get. He had acted like a desperate idiot, put Littlefoot’s friends in danger, and had almost gotten himself killed in the process. He had to apologize.

“Hey, Littlefoot… I just wanted to…” Shorty struggled with the words. He felt his resolve crumble away, like a shielding layer of dust. Something about Littlefoot’s lofty position on the cliff, and his tired, patient eyes, made Shorty feel small. It terrified him. It made him angry.
“I… wanted to say goodbye. Seeya.” His tone was noticeably sharper, but Littlefoot met it with a knowing smile.

“Goodbye, Shorty. I’ll see you after next cold time.”

With a slight nod, Shorty turned to follow the herd. There would be many lengths to walk between now and the end of the next cold time.

“Oh, Shorty!”

Aloof, Shorty barely looked back over his shoulder.

“Good luck on the test!”

--------

Those remembered words jarred him back to the present, where he could feel the old anger burning in him once again.

He still hasn’t let me take the test.

Shorty watched the young longneck pause to survey his path doubtfully; he was very close to the crest of the ridge, but footing had become treacherous. To rush things now would mean certain failure. That Dimitri would pass, Shorty had no doubt. He was careful and patient, tenacious and observant. He would weight his options, plan, and act. He would succeed. He would make a fine herd defender. Shorty felt the rage subside, ice over into pointed spite.

If he’s so good, he should have no problem with a little extra challenge.

Shorty scuffed about in the underbrush, overturning stones until he found one he could work with: evenly sized, and heavy. He would have to move out of the thickest part of his cover, but Bron was facing away from him, and the twilight shadows were still deep under the trees. There wasn’t much danger of being seen.

If I’m quick enough.

He eyed the back of the climber, gauging the distance. It was a long shot, but he had made longer.

Easy…

Shorty nudged the rock into position, lined himself up behind it. He let his knees bend slightly, angled his tail back. He took a deep breath, relaxed his muscles on the exhale, tensed in one fluid motion, and-

CRACK

He hadn’t fully accounted for the distance, or the erratic morning breeze. The rock plunged like a flyer in full dive, straight into a patch of soft earth below Dimitri’s feet. Shorty watched, entranced, as the patch of earth crumbled away, and the sudden loss of footing shifted Dimitri’s weight violently to the right. He seemed to hang in the air for an eternity, toes barely gripping the edge, tail thrashing in an automatic attempt at correction. Then, in an instant, he toppled.

If Shorty had remained a moment longer, he would have seen Bron’s neck snap forward to halt Dimitri’s descent. He would have seen his adoptive father level his gaze across the treeline, stern disappointment etched deeply across his features. But Shorty hadn’t stuck around.

The moment the longneck’s feet had slipped from the ridge, Shorty had started running.



rhombus

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Wow, for all of your words of uncertainty in your first post, I must say that this is very goodintroduction to the story.  :yes You have captured Shorty's emotions quite well, in my opinion, and you have gradually brought us knowledge of his internal struggle which is driving his emotional turmoil, but in a way that makes the character build up as the chapter progresses.  Though, unfortunately for everyone involved, I fear that Shorty has just interrupted one of the most sacred of longneck rituals, and that he won't like the consequences of that... Though he has formed a relationship with his adopted brother, we can all see that he has a lot of growing to do, and much to come to terms with.

I have not noticed any typos thus far, I only had a recommendation concerning a slight stylistic modification. I noticed in a few passages you used two lines that could have been combined as a single passage, for example:

Quote
“Dimitri, your parents tell me you’ve earned the right to take the test today.”
It was a terse, straightforward admission- while strong in other areas, Bron, the heard leader, had never been one to play up ceremonies. “Are you ready?”

Could be reworked like this:

Quote
“Dimitri, your parents tell me you’ve earned the right to take the test today.”  It was a terse, straightforward admission- while strong in other areas, Bron, the heard leader, had never been one to play up ceremonies. “Are you ready?”

But that minor matter aside, this is certainly an excellent beginning to the story. I look forward to seeing how Shorty tries to get out of his immediate predicament, and if he has a realization as to the attributes of a Big Longneck that he may lack.  Shorty is a character that is often overlooked in LBT fanworks and I am glad to see him feature in another story.

Keep up the good work.   :)


Go ahead and check out my fanfictions, The Seven Hunters, Songs of the Hunters, and Menders Tale.


JulianR94

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I agree.
Shorty's depiction is quite on point, his actions fitting to his personality. He doesn't mean harm, but also cannot sit still and let others damage his pride, even though it might be unintentional and he just subconsciously believes that others are. Which makes up for a very interesting and, I agree on that, an often overlooked character.

I can't see anything "boring" in your writing. There are no errors I could see, and it has a good flow to it. If I could suggest one thing, though, I personally would like to see a little bit more description whenever a special action takes place, such as Shorty launching the rock into Dimitri's path. I feel like by lengthening even a quick action just a bit, you can add a certain tense to it in which the reader nervously anticipated the outcome.
For example:

"Shorty nudged the rock into position, lined himself up behind it, taking aim. Eyes firmly fixed on his target, he let his knees bend slightly and angled his tail back. He took a deep breath, relaxed his muscles on the exhale, tensed in one fluid motion, and-

CRACK

Disaster.

He hadn’t fully accounted for the distance, or the erratic morning breeze. None of that he had really thought about. The rock plunged like a flyer in full dive, with deadly precision, straight into a patch of soft earth below Dimitri's feet. Shorty watched, entranced, as the patch of earth crumbled away, and the sudden loss of footing shifted Dimitri’s weight violently to the right. He seemed to hang in the air for an eternity, toes barely gripping the edge, tail thrashing in an automatic attempt at correction. To no avail.

And then, in an instant, he toppled."

Now, I do not know if that's just me, but by adding those very small additions I feel like you can add some spice to it. Or maybe I'm just spewing nonsense. :D
After all, everyone has a unique style.

Anyway, this is off to a very nice start and I look forward to seeing how this develops. :)


Sneak

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question: Is it supposed to be long long story?

If not - I will dare to read it when it will be finished.
:)


The Lone Dragon

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For a person with self doubt you have actually done a very good job of a first chapter, I personally don't see anything sloppy with it and I look forward to see what comes next.

I wish you the best of luck here and hope you enjoy the writing.
What's the point in being mad if you don't do mad things now and again?




DarkWolf91

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Quote
Wow, for all of your words of uncertainty in your first post, I must say that this is very goodintroduction to the story. :yes You have captured Shorty's emotions quite well, in my opinion, and you have gradually brought us knowledge of his internal struggle which is driving his emotional turmoil, but in a way that makes the character build up as the chapter progresses. Though, unfortunately for everyone involved, I fear that Shorty has just interrupted one of the most sacred of longneck rituals, and that he won't like the consequences of that... Though he has formed a relationship with his adopted brother, we can all see that he has a lot of growing to do, and much to come to terms with.

Thank you, I'm glad it turned out decent! I wanted to start with something that would be a very typically "Shorty-ish" thing to do, and give a bit of insight into his emotional reasoning without being too sentimental about it.

Quote
I have not noticed any typos thus far, I only had a recommendation concerning a slight stylistic modification. I noticed in a few passages you used two lines that could have been combined as a single passage

Thanks! My formatting is a bit arbitrary right now, and I appreciate the advice. I'll go back through it and see if I can make it a bit more consistent for future submissions :smile

Quote
But that minor matter aside, this is certainly an excellent beginning to the story. I look forward to seeing how Shorty tries to get out of his immediate predicament, and if he has a realization as to the attributes of a Big Longneck that he may lack. Shorty is a character that is often overlooked in LBT fanworks and I am glad to see him feature in another story.

Keep up the good work. :)

Again, thank you! I always found him interesting- not overtly vindictive or agressive, but certainly a prickly character with a bit of a mean streak. And his backstory has just enough information to leave it completely open to interpretation. I look forward to writing more :yes

Quote
I agree.
Shorty's depiction is quite on point, his actions fitting to his personality. He doesn't mean harm, but also cannot sit still and let others damage his pride, even though it might be unintentional and he just subconsciously believes that others are. Which makes up for a very interesting and, I agree on that, an often overlooked character.

Thank you! I've tried to put a lot of thought into the way he sees and reacts to his world, and I hope I manage to keep it up for future installments.

Quote
I can't see anything "boring" in your writing. There are no errors I could see, and it has a good flow to it.

Ah, I'm glad you think so! I've always had trouble with pacing, and tend to get too caught up in details, but I've been working diligently to iron these issues out. Hopefully it's working a little bit :lol

Quote
If I could suggest one thing, though, I personally would like to see a little bit more description whenever a special action takes place, such as Shorty launching the rock into Dimitri's path. I feel like by lengthening even a quick action just a bit, you can add a certain tense to it in which the reader nervously anticipated the outcome.

Much obliged! This advice and the example were very helpful. It makes a lot of sense to draw out scenes like that, and I will definitely keep that in mind for future situations.

Quote
question: Is it supposed to be long long story?

If not - I will dare to read it when it will be finished.
:)

I'm not sure precisely what length it will end up being, but it will mostly revolve around two intertwined story arcs. So... probably not ridiculously long :D



DarkWolf91

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Quote from: The Lone Dragon,Jul 21 2016 on  08:33 PM
For a person with self doubt you have actually done a very good job of a first chapter, I personally don't see anything sloppy with it and I look forward to see what comes next.

I wish you the best of luck here and hope you enjoy the writing.
Much thanks! I guess most of the self-doubt comes from the fact that I usually get frustrated and give up on writing projects. So I've never really let myself get any feedback :rolleyes:

I'm certainly enjoying it so far :smile



Ducky123

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Please continue this, it has potential to be an awesome story! ^^spike

I think the other reviewers have pretty much covered everything I have to say about this first chapter already (my bad for overlooking this until now :angel).The pacing is very good (in fact, the amount of description is really good - could be even more without getting too descriptive in my opinion ;)) and the plot seems interesting so far (plus this is working really well as an intro of sorts) and I can't wait to see more of your work! You're a good writer, believe me ;)

(And yes, there really need to be more Shorty fanwork, he's such an interesting character)
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DarkWolf91

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Quote from: Ducky123,Nov 10 2016 on  05:22 AM
Please continue this, it has potential to be an awesome story! ^^spike

I think the other reviewers have pretty much covered everything I have to say about this first chapter already (my bad for overlooking this until now :angel).The pacing is very good (in fact, the amount of description is really good - could be even more without getting too descriptive in my opinion ;)) and the plot seems interesting so far (plus this is working really well as an intro of sorts) and I can't wait to see more of your work! You're a good writer, believe me ;)

(And yes, there really need to be more Shorty fanwork, he's such an interesting character)
Thanks very much for the thoughtful review :D
I have some of the next chapter written, but I need to decide the basic story points that I want to encompass in the next few chapters before I write too much more. I look forward to getting further into this, and hopefully I'll have time to sit down and hash it out sometime this week :smile



Fyn16

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I don't have much time for a thorough review, as I am typing this on my phone, but wow! For someone who seemed unsure about writing, this is really quite fantastic. Problems like flow, pacing, and description- all problems that new writers face- were next to non-existent here. I can't say much that others haven't already, but you've earned another follower. I'll be watching and giving more detailed reviews as you continue!


ADFan185

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I sgrrrr with everyone else continue on writing this it's awesome and very good.