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Guido's Day Out

DarkWolf91

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For this month's prompt, which was to re-visit an old prompt. I chose February's:
Your protagonist for this piece is widely considered to be the Great Valley's foremost expert on love, but one day, they are approached by the last dinosaur they ever expected to see, with his/her most challenging request yet

Didn't have time for much editing, but oh well :lol Kind of wanted to write it in the style of a TV show episode :smile

Here's the link to the entry on FF.net:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12595944/1/Guido-s-Day-Out


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The wind bit through his short coat of feathers and nearly tore him from the ledge that he clung to. He began having second thoughts.

The day had started with rapt excitement as Guido caught sight of the endless clouds moving at great speed across the open sky. It had been a while since he had last flown, specifically since he and Petrie had met Swooper at Black Rock. Petrie hadn't been at home, and he didn't want to wait- the wind was hardly ever this strong in the sheltered Great Valley. But, now, clinging to a narrow rock face a longneck's length from the ground, it didn't seem like such a great idea.

"Okay, Guido. You can do this." He swallowed hard and pulled himself up to the next ledge. It was wide, stable, and certainly high enough. "You can do this." He moved to the lip and flexed his wings, ready to go without thinking. He caught sight of the ground far below him, and that got him thinking pretty fast. Guido nearly jumped out of his skin and turned to catch a hold of the rock face, but was caught first by a particularly violent gust of wind. Tumbled, tossed, turned, with wind buffeting every inch of his body, the small Flyer managed to extend his wings and stabilize himself. Heart beating out of his chest, he opened his eyes just in time to see a flurry of leaves engulf him as he tumbled into a tree. His descent continued until, the sense thoroughly knocked from him, he somehow ended up cradled in a small bush blessedly close to the ground.

As Guido was waiting for his head to stop spinning and his body to regain feeling, a cacophonous racket nearby rang in his already aching bones. Undergrowth tore apart violently to allow passage to a young Swimmer, who threw himself to the ground nearby. Heavy sobs racked his form, and he seemed to be in some great peril. Guido groaned. He was hardly in a condition to be aware of the newcomer. The destitute Swimmer looked up, realizing he wasn’t alone. He crawled over to the fallen Flyer, pressing his nose in close to Guido’s face.

“Oh, man, you’ve gotta help me! I messed things up so bad! I’ve gotta let her know how sorry I am- what should I say?!” Guido stared into the Swimmer’s fearful eyes, still dazed and completely out of touch with the situation. He groaned again.

“Feels like I’m… being torn apart by Sharpteeth. I don’t think my heart is beating anymore. Going to die. Please…” He was going to say, ëget help,’ but never got the chance. The Swimmer’s eyes widened, and he looked close to tears.

“That’s… Perfect.

He was gone as quickly as he came, leaving Guido to recover, or not, on his own.

-----

Fortunately, after dragging himself back to his nest and sleeping for a full two days, Guido wasn’t much worse for wear. Sore, hungry, humbled, and counting himself the luckiest Flyer in living memory, he set out early on the third day to look for food. Lots of food. Not so fortunately, it turned out that the Swimmer he’d met had been of a particularly gregarious sort. He was getting a lot of stares, whispers, and outright congratulations for “saving a relationship,” and being a master “love expert,” whatever that meant. Guido did enjoy the attention, but he only smiled politely, and waved his fellow Great Valley residents away. Breakfast was the only thing on his mind.

Having finally found a secluded spot, Guido shuffled his aching body among the branches in a short, sturdy tree, scooping up slow-moving crawlers in his beak. Climbing for food was one thing, but after yesterday he intended to stay as close to the ground as possible. Absorbed in his repetitive task, he fell to thinking over the strange events of the windy day. It was an easy thing to laugh about in retrospect, and it felt good to have an interesting story to discuss with his fellow valley residents again. After the buzz around the Black Rock incident had died down, there hadn't-

HHWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!

Every feather on Guido's body puffed out in alarm as he grasped at the tree branch, finally tumbling off into the free air. A rough, rounded object broke his fall, and he scrambled to get a hold on it. Opening his eyes in a dizzy haze, he met an even larger pair in front of him.

"Oh. Hello, Guido."

After a moment to let his vision clear, Guido recognized that he'd landed directly on Mr. Thicknose's face. Surprisingly, the big dinosaur looked... unsurprised.

"Ha! Hello yourself! What's with all the yelling?"

"Oh, just... getting myself some breakfast."

More than just unsurprised, the Hollowhorn sounded downright depressed. Guido took a closer look and noticed the puffy dark spots around his eyes, his slouched posture, and the untouched treestars littering the ground around him.

"Is, uh, everything alright, big guy?"

"Yes, yes, I just-"

He narrowed his eyes and gave Guido a more focused look.

"Actually, I heard a... rather interesting tale about you this morning. Concerning a pair of swimmers. It wouldn't happen to be true, would it?"

"Well, I guess I don't know exactly what you heard but, uh, it's probably mostly true?" Guido found himself unwilling to disappoint the downtrodden Hollowhorn.

Mr. Thicknose's face brightened considerably. "Oh, excellent! Then, perhaps there is something you can help me with!" He said this more to himself than to Guido, and immediately began walking in a predetermined direction. Guido scrambled to a perch on Thicknose's crest, and sat in a bewildered silence. He couldn't imagine what the larger dinosaur might need his help with, but he had no other plans for the day. The ride was pleasant with a full stomach and the light of the bright circle warming his feathers, allowing Guido to soon fall into a stupor close to sleep. He woke and nearly tumbled from his spot at a sudden stop in momentum.

"There."

Guido glanced around groggily, trying to figure out what Thicknose was referring to. The only thing he could see of any interest was a small group of four-footers, taking breakfast at a short grove of trees not too far off. One of them looked to be another Hollowhorn, like Mr. Thicknose.

"Isn't she beautiful?"

Guido nearly toppled a second time. "Oh." He took another look at the Hollowhorn. She was... sturdy. She could have been around Mr. Thicknose's age, or somehow even older. It was hard to tell with Hollowhorns. "She seems... nice."

Thicknose sighed, looking wistful. "She's stolen my heart completely, I'm afraid. She came in with the farwalkers after the last cold time, and never left."

Guido scratched his head. "Well, what's her name?" The two sat in silence, watching the other Hollowhorn eat. It was just a little creepy.

"I don't know." Mr. Thicknose admitted at last.

"Well, why don't you ask her?" The Hollowhorn started at this- Guido could feel the larger dinosaur's muscles tense beneath him.

"Well... I don't think..."

"Aw, come on! What's the worst that could happen?" Guido was overcome by a strangely specific vision of being trampled by an angry female Hollowhorn while Mr. Thicknose fled in terror. He shuddered. "Well, what's the worst that could happen to you, anyway? And besides-" Guido paused. "You're not exactly getting any younger." Thicknose looked injured by this in a profound way, and Guido regretted it immediately. However, it seemed to have struck the proper chord.

“Yes. Yes, you’re right. I suppose I must face my doom sometime- why not today?” Mr. Thicknose was always a bit on the dramatic side, but seeing him so despondent worried Guido.

“Hey! Hey, it’s not that bad! And look-“ Guido dropped behind Thicknose’s crest. “I’ll be right here with you! She’ll never see me back here!” He peeked over the crest to gauge Thicknose’s reaction, but couldn’t tell much from the top of his head.

“… Thank you, Guido. That would actually be a comfort.” He took a rough, shuddering breath and started forward at a brisk pace. As they approached the female his steps became shorter and shorter, his pace slower and slower, until Guido was certain they’d be at it until the bright circle sank behind the valley rim and rose again the next day. Finally, Mr. Thicknose stopped entirely. Unable to see from his spot behind the crest, Guido waited for something to happen.

“...” It was sure taking a while.

“…”

“Oh! Hello, didn’t see you there!” Her voice was rich and not unpleasant, though Guido still couldn’t guess her age.

“… Uh.” Not a great opening line.

“… Can I help you?”

“… G… Guh… Uh…” Ouch.

“Look, I don’t know what your deal is, but I’m going to ask you to leave.” Guido made his move without thinking. He swung himself up to the top of Thicknose’s crest and spread his wings in supplication.

“Hello! My name’s Guido, and this is my friend…” Shoot. Guido made a mental note to ask him about his given name later. “… Mr. Thicknose. He noticed that you’re new to the valley, and wanted to drop by to say hi!” An awkward silence hung in the air as the female Hollowhorn stared at Guido, open-mouthed and wide-eyed. Her face contorted in a mirthful snort, and she broke out in raucous laughter.

“If that isn’t the strangest thing I’ve seen in my life! Well hello, Guido! My name’s Holly. Does your friend know how to talk?”

“Y-yes! I apologize! I don’t know what came over me, I just-“

“Oh, don’t worry honey, I have that effect on people.” Guido snorted. A Hollowhorn with some spunk! “Would you two care to join me for breakfast?” She nodded to indicate some low-hanging branches she’d been working on. Guido was pleased to spot more than a few crawlers hiding among them.

“We’d be delighted.” Mr. Thicknose tilted his head to give Guido a warm smile, his eyes shining with youthful excitement. Guido returned the smile, and shrugged. It was going to be a good day.












rhombus

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Guido as a (literal) wingman.  :DD I quite like what you did with this short story.  Not only do we have some elaboration of how Guido gained his reputation, but we have a clear sign of his empathy when he tries to help out Mr. Thicknose when he begins to bomb in his initial attempt.  Though now I am curious about the further adventures of Mr. Thicknose as he appears to have put his eyes on a female who has him more than met in terms of wits.  :p


Go ahead and check out my fanfictions, The Seven Hunters, Songs of the Hunters, and Menders Tale.


Littlefoot fan 1990

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Intriguing...

Can't wait to see where this goes.


Sovereign

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This is quite a fun short story even if it extremely short. It was a great idea to make Guido the foremost expert on love and the lovebirds were also pretty well chosen. The plot worked somewhat well but it was clear to me that the story was too short. The three main scenes of the short story were enough but I got the feeling that the conversations ( and the descriptions in the last two scenes) between Guido and Thicknose were too short. The story was pleasant to read, accompanied with a nice idea, but even a bit larger elaboration on the situation would have improved it greatly. Still, as I said, this was a fun read!  :)




DarkWolf91

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Quote
Guido as a (literal) wingman.  :DD I quite like what you did with this short story.  Not only do we have some elaboration of how Guido gained his reputation, but we have a clear sign of his empathy when he tries to help out Mr. Thicknose when he begins to bomb in his initial attempt.  Though now I am curious about the further adventures of Mr. Thicknose as he appears to have put his eyes on a female who has him more than met in terms of wits.  :p

Heheh, thank you! I always liked how eager to help/defend everyone Guido was in the 12th film, despite his awkwardness. And I did really enjoy writing for Mr. Thicknose / Holly, maybe they'll make some guest appearances in the future :smile

Quote
Intriguing...

Can't wait to see where this goes.

Thanks!

Quote
This is quite a fun short story even if it extremely short. It was a great idea to make Guido the foremost expert on love and the lovebirds were also pretty well chosen. The plot worked somewhat well but it was clear to me that the story was too short. The three main scenes of the short story were enough but I got the feeling that the conversations ( and the descriptions in the last two scenes) between Guido and Thicknose were too short. The story was pleasant to read, accompanied with a nice idea, but even a bit larger elaboration on the situation would have improved it greatly. Still, as I said, this was a fun read!  :)

Thanks! Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time to write, so I end up rushing things with the "barebones" essentials. There were a few other little moments/conversations I wanted to add to this, and maybe I'll come back and edit it in the future :smile



Fyn16

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How, just how, did I forget to review this? I have no answer, but I feel you should know why your prompt response tied for first place last month. Aw, who am I kidding? I want to review this anyway! With that being said, let's dive in!

What strikes me as particularly strong in this story is the pacing and characterization. Both Guido and later on Mr. Thicknose, feel like they were pulled straight from the series in how they speak, think, and act, and seeing them interact was a real treat. I'd never have guessed it, but the two make for a great duo. The story flows well, too, never lingering where it shouldn't, and staying reasonably fast-paced without being overly quick. It maintained my interest from start to finish, which works well with its shorter length.

If I had to nitpick, which I should, I would suggest working on your descriptive sentences. As an example, "it sure was taking a while" sounds more like a paraphrase of something a character would say. Try to avoid conversation filler words like "sure" when progressing a scene, and instead try for other methods of portraying the march of time. Perhaps "time seemed to drag on as he waited" or something similar. Additionally, you'll want to avoid using "..." to express silence. It works, but it's generally not as useful as written description.

Still, these are minor things, which don't detract from the value of this story in any noticeable way to me. This was a charming story to read, with great characters and dialogue, as well as presenting a unique take on the prompt itself. Very well done here! And I'm sorry it took me so long to post a review. Like I said, I read this immediately, but for some reason completely forgot to post.


DarkWolf91

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Quote from: Fyn16,Aug 24 2017 on  07:27 PM
How, just how, did I forget to review this? I have no answer, but I feel you should know why your prompt response tied for first place last month. Aw, who am I kidding? I want to review this anyway! With that being said, let's dive in!

What strikes me as particularly strong in this story is the pacing and characterization. Both Guido and later on Mr. Thicknose, feel like they were pulled straight from the series in how they speak, think, and act, and seeing them interact was a real treat. I'd never have guessed it, but the two make for a great duo. The story flows well, too, never lingering where it shouldn't, and staying reasonably fast-paced without being overly quick. It maintained my interest from start to finish, which works well with its shorter length.

If I had to nitpick, which I should, I would suggest working on your descriptive sentences. As an example, "it sure was taking a while" sounds more like a paraphrase of something a character would say. Try to avoid conversation filler words like "sure" when progressing a scene, and instead try for other methods of portraying the march of time. Perhaps "time seemed to drag on as he waited" or something similar. Additionally, you'll want to avoid using "..." to express silence. It works, but it's generally not as useful as written description.

Still, these are minor things, which don't detract from the value of this story in any noticeable way to me. This was a charming story to read, with great characters and dialogue, as well as presenting a unique take on the prompt itself. Very well done here! And I'm sorry it took me so long to post a review. Like I said, I read this immediately, but for some reason completely forgot to post.
Thank you! I'm glad the pacing worked out for this! I tried a new technique of starting in the middle and working outward, which seemed to help me overcome my habit of getting stuck on the beginning and giving up :lol
As for the characterization, it was really fun to work with such distinct personalities. It really helped that I could imagine them talking as I wrote, because I usually give characters my own habits of speech without meaning to- something I've really been trying to break away from.

Thanks for the criticism as well! I'll definitely remember that for future stories :smile



Ducky123

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Don't have much to add to the previous reviewers (that's what you get for being late :p)

I definitely enjoyed the read though I would have loved to read more :lol Also I wonder who that swimmer was ^^spike
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