The Way Things Are
I am a grain of salt. How can I think, you might ask? Well here, allow me to explain: I just can. That is all you need to know (and all I happen to know on the subject). So let’s begin with a little biography of my life. I was born in a rock bed beneath the earth along with my trillions and trillions of brothers and sisters. Which are the brothers and which are the sisters? How should I know, I’m just a grain of salt! I was dug up by a scary half stick, half robotic duck (and oddly, the metal bill on the end clinked instead of quacked). So then, I was kidnapped, or saltnapped, rather, and taken to a prison camp in southern Florida. Encased in a tall, magic, invisible force field with air holes on top, we were all terrified, but we stuck together as best we could.
Slavery. That’s right, slavery! And we were sold into it, at that! We, still locked away, were sent to guard the Great Table Plain. We never got breaks either, just had to stand there bunched up and making sure nothing happened. We couldn’t do anything or tell anyone if something did happen, but that didn’t bother us. What did bother us though were scary aliens that paraded the camp like they owned they place! One had long, blond hair and wore a strange covering over even stranger covering. I’ve listened to their language and finally deciphered what they were called. I learned through the language that the innermost piece was called a “Doyoulikemydress,” as she would touch it then say that every day. The outer one was called an “ay-perin.” The latter is hard to pronounce, so I don’t really try. Practice makes perfect, mind you, but I never practice things. I’m only a grain of salt, after all.
A taller alien often came into the camp as well reading a large white piece of wind (as every time I heard the wind, it moved) covered in ant tracks. Apparently, the air fell asleep outside one day and ants walked all over it. He had short brown hair and even shorter still on his chin. I knew the crumbs of donuts preferred the shortest hair because they always chose it as a hangout spot instead of the other. I tried asking the crumbs what it’s like in there before I remembered I’m only a grain of salt so can’t talk. How can I hear and see though? The answer is remarkably simple, so I can’t imagine why you’d even wonder. The fact of the matter is- I just can. Do you question why fish swim instead of ride motorcycles down memory lane or why wolves howl at the moon when it’s really the sun that causes problems? No. Why? Because you know they just can. It’s the same with me.
Then we have the evil, evil aliens. Yes, I said evil twice. The reason is that they are more evil than what I could call simply an evil alien. They draft my poor family into strange territories and never check up on them! Just the other day, my poor sisters Bonnie, Betty, Bailey, Barbie, Bella, Bambi, Bessie, Bertha, Brandy, and Alexandria were shipped off to Linguini Lagoon, and my poor brother Mitzleprinnicus almost escaped one day during an earthquake brought on by their grubby appendages, but he got flipped with a flop into Flapjack Field, never to be heard from again.
The thing is, though, the big aliens ship us off too. So then, why were the little ones evil and eviler still? The noise. Oh, the noise! The devil himself could not conjure more dreadful incantations. The spells inflict a painful sensation in every way, and I hear it so much that I can recite them. I may try one on my cousin Mildred. She called me fat last night. The parts I know so far go something like, “Iwantmoresugar-waaaaah!” “HestakingmysugarMOMDAD!” (can’t forget the extra emphasis on the end) and “Iwantmoresugartoo!” While they all cause the same effect, it seems that only certain aliens can cast certain spells and only at certain time periods, as the female is the only one who uses the first two, and the third is done only by the male and ONLY after the girl casts the others. Powerful wizards indeed. I declare them my mortal enemies.
My remaining brothers and sisters huddled together for warmth every day and night, fearing where our destinies might take us. How does a grain of salt have fear without a brain? I am more than happy to begin the whole story, but you’ll soon find out that I don’t need to finish. I simply- There, you see? By now, your brains are filling in the word “can” from repetition. We all wanted to break out of here, but there with three problems: One, we couldn’t break out of our prison unless one of the aliens carelessly shook it. Two, the internment camp was just so big. Without a map, we might get lost in Counter Creek, stepped on in Tile Territory, or worst of all, banished into the Den of Disposal in Sinkville, never to return, and I’d really, really prefer to return. The third issue, and probably the most prevalent of all, was that we can’t move, and that makes any sort of escape a little tricky. Why can’t we move? I suppose there are a few reasons, such as lack of legs, lack of muscles, lack of energy, and so forth, but the main one is likely that we’re only, say it with me now, grains of salt.
One day, however, my journey of life became clear. There was no purpose or reason for it; it simply happened, but it was my destiny, and by golly, I was going to live it. Here is how it happened: One day, the male evil, evil alien heated up a frozen pretzel. How did I know it was called that? There are some things a grain of salt simply knows deep inside, while other things have to be learned like all creatures. Anyway, he took it out and, oh, I shudder to even say it, he poured me and a great deal of my family right onto it! The nerve! The audacity! The inhumanity of it all! We are small and humble TABLE SALT, good for eggs, steak, chicken, and some other things. The alien completed neglected to use the PRETZEL SALT, which is good for, you guessed it, pretzels. I felt like a fish out of water on that thing. How did I know what a fish out of water feels like? I just- had a dream about it one night. Now get this! He gobbled up every member of my family he brought out- except me! The larger female told him to hurry to the bus, so he shoved the last bit of the pretzel into a dark void on the side of his doyoulikemydress and forgot all about it.
On the bus were many evil, evil aliens, as all I heard where those dreadful incantations. I heard a new one and learned it pretty fast, if I do say so myself. It went, “Ihavetopee.” That was easy to learn because it has a nice ring to it, even though it gave my headless body a headache. How did it give a body with no head a headache, you might ask? It just did. That’s all I can tell you. Back to the story of my destiny though, I could hear the evil, evil alien talking. He said that he was going to put a frog in a girl’s desk. Why? Who knows? I guess the frog asked to be put there. So the boy runs to his class, jostling me about in such an uncanny manner then reaches into his other pocket to get the frog. I looked up and saw him opening the desk and putting her in. In all honesty, she was rather cute- love at first sight. I was going to say that to her but I didn’t have a chance with a girl like that. She made a ribbit sound which I think means, “Hey cutie,” so I blushed. At least, as much as a grain of salt can. With an abrupt closing of the lid, however, the frog was gone, and my heart squeezed and ached until it broke. Therefore, I am a grain of salt with a broken heart had it existed, and I would have cried if I had tears.
Now then, more aliens piled into the room, and eventually, one sat at the desk my beloved was in. She reached for the desk lid, and my nonexistent heart nearly stopped. Opening it, she made the most unusual sound. It went something like, “AHHHHH!” The alien, mind you, not the frog. She jumped up and did a little dance around the room until a bigger alien asked what the occasion was. Then it happened. She said a vile toad was in her desk. Oh, you are DEAD, alien! How dare you! How- DARE- you call my sweetie vile! And a toad too? Ooh, now that was the final bit of icing on her cake of doom. The aliens from my prison camp were no longer my mortal enemies. SHE was now. She will pay for insulting my beloved. Then, to my horror, the biggest alien in the room came and took that beautiful creature and through her out the window. I gaped in disbelief how these creatures can treat things like they’re worthless. I will become an avenger to stop this villainy, once- and for all! First, though, I need to find some way to actually move.
I soon learned it was hopeless. Without legs, I could not budge a millimeter or do anything that involved revenge in the slightest. All I could do was spread the word in hopes that these atrocities never happen again. You there, you listening to my story, hear my words, and hear them well. I am helpless, but you are not! I learned in class today about writing bills for new laws. You MUST write some down for me. Go, go, get a pen and I will wait. I can’t exactly see you from this black hole, but I will assume you did exactly what this poor grain of salt asked of you. Write out these laws and send them to the white house: One, grains of salt and frogs are to be declared equal American citizens so that we can’t be locked away or tossed out of windows. Secondly, child wizardry is to be outlawed. Those dreadful spells the little aliens cast are wrong, just wrong. If they don’t comply, they are to be spanked most severely. Third, all grains of salt are to be given legs. Finally, and most importantly, only pretzel salt is allowed to be put on pretzels.
Everyone has a voice, and they need to be used to stand up to injustice. If a grain of salt can make a difference in this world, so can you! Thank you so much. Now send that in! Wait, never mind, I just remembered. You can’t hear a word I’m saying because- I’m just a grain of salt. Why was I born a grain of salt? Why can’t I move or speak? Why am I treated like I’m worthless? Why did Mildred call me fat? Excellent, excellent questions those are, and I have an excellent answer to accompany them. Here’s the scoop (no pun intended): It’s just the way things are.
