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Dosu2Dinner

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Venatione Venatus
« on: January 18, 2013, 08:16:37 am »
Hi guys. Here is my first attempt at LBT fanfiction. I hope you enjoy it...

Prologue

There is no greater myth than the stillness of the night.
Under the shimmering gaze of the Great Night Circle, the quiet atmosphere was split in two by the racket of a monumental battle.
As the loud bellows, roars and thuds could be heard issuing from deep within a small forest upon a hill, trees were sent toppling like twigs, and small animals flew or scurried away in fright. Among these in this hurried exodus was young Twoclaw (tyrannosaurid) Sharptooth, her iconic silhouette burned against the night sky.
The young predator paused in her escape, turning her gaze back towards the ferocious fight, her emerald green eyes glistening with wonder and fear. She couldn’t stay long, however, which she knew – especially with the rockslide making its way down the hill…
She turned tail and continued to flee, but soon found herself getting gathered up by these the descending rocks, tumbling head-over-heels down the steep tor, before she was flung clean out of the way…
As the titanic battle continued, a young cyan bladeback was seen hurriedly skidding down the fallen rocks. He swept his amber eyes over the scene of post-disaster, until he saw a figure he recognised – a snow-white young female twoclaw, whose body was adorned with elegant black stripes, was laying several metres away.
He hurried over to her and nudged her roughly with his snout.
“C’mon, Saureen,” he said. “We’ve gotta move!”
Saureen gave a soft moan as she feebly attempted to stagger to her feet.
“Seizon…” she murmured. “I don’t think I can…” she swayed slightly on the spot.
Seizon grabbed her.
“You’ve got to,” he said, shortly. “We can’t stay here. We’re heading west.”
These words were a slight surprise to Saureen. She fixed Seizon with a penetrating emerald stare.
“Why west?”
Seizon narrowed his eyes.
“Because,” he replied. “That’s what I’ve been told. Now, we need to hurry, because-”
That was as far as he got, when a blizzard of gravel and stones hammered the ground in front of them. An animal had just landed on top of the rockslide. A massive, angry animal, which let out a gargantuan bellow…
Grabbing the younger sharptooth firmly by the arm, Seizon fled, and with the stomping that he heard in his wake, the creature was undoubtedly following. He continued to half-drag Saureen off into the night, until he noticed a massive fissure in the ground just ahead of him. Just what he needed…
Taking a calculated risk, he sprinted towards the edge of the fissure before leaping with all his strength.
Whilst suspended in mid-air, he flung Saureen’s limp but conscious form away from him, hoping their momentum would take her to the other side. He was lucky – Saureen’s zebra-patterned body hit the other side of the fissure and rolled away from the precipice. Now all he had to do was focus on getting himself there too…
It was fortunate for him that bladebacks were blessed with long arms. Clinging onto the edge of ground with his fore-claws he was able to haul himself up.
“Hey, Saureen,” he said, nudging her again. “You OK?”
Saureen slowly raised her head off the ground. She gave an affirmative nod, but then her eyes widened as she looked past Seizon’s shoulder.
On the other side of the fissure, the animal pursuing them stood still. Although the two young sharpteeth could only see the silhouette, they could tell exactly what it was. If the evil yellow glint of its eyes didn’t confirm it, its tall frame and menacingly spiky body was enough…
“Did you ever believe the legends?” Saureen whispered. Seizon gave an uncomfortable twitch. No, he had never believed, not since he was a hatchling. Those sorts of scare stories, he thought, were sure to have been made up – but now, the physical evidence was right before his eyes.
“The longneck with a sting in its tail,” Saureen murmured. “A huge flattooth with spikes covering every part of its body…”
“I know the story,” Seizon interrupted. “And I can see this beast for myself…” He turned to his companion.
“Gawping at this thing is not going to do anything for us,” he said. “We need to move.”
“What about our families?” Saureen demanded.
Seizon hesitated. That was a tricky one…
“If I know your dad,” he said, “Then it’ll take more than a spiky longneck to finish him off. I’m sure he’s just lying unconscious somewhere…”
Saureen twitched slightly and this tactless remark, but didn’t breach the subject.
“OK,” she continued. “And what about Xal?”
Seizon gave a short snicker.
“Oh, he’ll be absolutely fine…don’t worry.”
The young bladeback began to walk away. Saureen followed him.
“What about our families?” Seizon remarked. “We’ve got each other, haven’t we?”
“We’re not related,” Saureen said shortly. “We’re different species…”
“So what?” Seizon replied, smiling at her a little. “We’ve lived together for as long as we can remember. You’re like a little sister to me.”
Saureen rolled her eyes, but smiled back.
“OK,” she said. “Now let’s just get moving.”
And so the two of them began their perilous journey west…watched, as they did so, by the longneck stranded on the other side of the chasm. Although he couldn’t understand the sharptooth language, he could see where they were headed, and he knew exactly what they’d find if they headed west…
The longneck turned away from the chasm and hurried off.

OK, so its not very long, but hey, its a prologue.  :lol
I hope you enjoyed it, and I also hope this is the correct procedure in posting fanfiction on this forum, otherwise I've made a really bad screw-up... :oops
I'm looking forward to hearing your feedback. Although I am slightly sensitive to criticism, I am happy to hear any advice any of you have on improving this story, though remember, its still in its early stages. The plot hasn't taken off yet!
Oh, and if anyone is interested in doing fanart for this, then please do! I will look forward to it!  :DD
   

vonboy

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2013, 01:02:34 pm »
How do you feel about some good old constructive criticism?

first, it is good to split up your paragraphs more. It just make it easier for people reading anything to follow along and not lose their place.

Something like...

Quote
There is no greater myth than the stillness of the night.

Under the shimmering gaze of the Great Night Circle, the quiet atmosphere was split in two by the racket of a monumental battle.

As the loud bellows, roars and thuds could be heard issuing from deep within a small forest upon a hill, trees were sent toppling like twigs, and small animals flew or scurried away in fright. Among these in this hurried exodus was young Twoclaw (tyrannosaurid) Sharptooth, her iconic silhouette burned against the night sky.

The young predator paused in her escape, turning her gaze back towards the ferocious fight, her emerald green eyes glistening with wonder and fear. She couldn’t stay long, however, which she knew – especially with the rockslide making its way down the hill…

Basically, whenever you press enter, press it twice, so each line of dialogue or descriptive paragraph is slit up better.

Now, I really love how you're using very varied language, like you keep using different words to describe things and characters. That makes anything more interesting to read, and helps the reader not be bored by reading the same things over and over again.

The story itself looks very interesting so far, with two different young (I think they're young) sharpsheeth running away from some kind of horrific beast. From how you described the big beast, kinda sounds like the Lone Dinosaur that Chomper saw in one of his nightmares in the TV series! :lol Is that a real dinosaur?

They are different species, but for one reason or another, they've been friends. They're gonna help each other out of any bad situation, because that's what friends do.

I don't know where this is going. (It's the prologue after all) But you've got me interested with this pair starting to go on some kind of journey to the west.

EDIT: what does Venation Venatus mean? I've just never heard that before.

Dosu2Dinner

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2013, 01:14:19 pm »
Thanks!!! Glad you enjoyed it.  :DD  :DD  :lol:  :DD  :lol:

Yes, the animal chasing them does seem very similar to the Lone Dinosaur thing from Chomper's dream, but to be honest that wasn't my original intention.

The longneck in this is actually based off an Early Cretaceous sauropod that lived in South America, called Agustinia ligabuei and it had rows of spikes down its neck, back and tail.

And thanks very much for the tip about paragraphing! I normally do a double line space between changes in perspective, though I think I may try doing it as a regular paragraph break, as you suggested.

Next chapter, the plot shall pick up, and you'll get more background about these two and what they're doing.

And...sorry I haven't read your fics yet vonboy.  :oops I've just never quite got round to it - I was extremely physched about posting this. XD.

Dosu2Dinner

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2013, 02:18:45 pm »
Quote from: vonboy,Jan 18 2013 on  12:02 PM
EDIT: what does Venation Venatus mean? I've just never heard that before.
It's roughly Latin for 'Hunting Game.' You'll find out why soon enough, I hope...

Ducky123

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2013, 02:31:04 pm »
That's a good prologue,I'm interested to read more of Venatione Venatus :)
Is this a strictly LBT fanfiction or is this a crossover?

I'm very interested in the meaning of this title :D
venatus is Latin and means game and venatione might be the ablative case...
hmm, a signature? I'll think of something.

Dosu2Dinner

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2013, 02:32:42 pm »
Quote from: Ducky123,Jan 18 2013 on  01:31 PM
That's a good prologue,I'm interested to read more of Venatione Venatus :)
Is this a strictly LBT fanfiction or is this a crossover?
 
Thanks!
And its strictly LBT. I don't much like crossovers, unless they're humourous.

Ducky123

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2013, 02:42:52 pm »
That's good!!! I don't like them,too :)
hmm, a signature? I'll think of something.

StrutEggStealer

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2013, 02:43:18 pm »
Very interesting. You have a very suspenseful style of writing. I like how easily drawn I got into the story.
Your characters seem very interesting as well. Will you post info of them soon?
Keep up the good work :)

jansenov

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2013, 04:09:28 pm »
"The hunted hunting".

 A very colourful and dynamic story. Nothing to complain about so far.



Dosu2Dinner

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2013, 04:23:31 pm »
Either way, the title is something to do with hunting.  :lol

Ducky123

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #10 on: January 18, 2013, 05:38:48 pm »
:D never trust Google Translate!!! :lol:

That title sounds very interesting, I really like to read more of this story :)
hmm, a signature? I'll think of something.

Dosu2Dinner

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #11 on: January 22, 2013, 04:47:52 pm »
Sooooo...

Who's ready for the next chapter?  :lol

The Anonymous Person

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #12 on: January 22, 2013, 04:54:29 pm »
I sure am!  :DD

Ducky123

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2013, 02:35:38 pm »
Meeeeeeee :DD
hmm, a signature? I'll think of something.

vonboy

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #14 on: January 23, 2013, 03:56:51 pm »
Yeah, I'd love to get an idea of where this storie's gonna be going, by...um, reading the next chapter and seeing how's it going. :DD

EDIT: It's my 2000th POST! I'm buying me and my pet Chomper a whole side of a longneck to celebrate!

Dosu2Dinner

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #15 on: January 23, 2013, 06:09:50 pm »
Quote from: vonboy,Jan 23 2013 on  02:56 PM
Yeah, I'd love to get an idea of where this storie's gonna be going, by...um, reading the next chapter and seeing how's it going. :DD

EDIT: It's my 2000th POST! I'm buying me and my pet Chomper a whole side of a longneck to celebrate!
Congrats, mate! And here it is!!!!!!!!
(Note: An asterisk * means a change in time and/or point of view)

Chapter One: Hazy Mornings

As the golden rays of the Bright Circle burned its way across the sky to the tune of the dawn chorus, it shone through the translucent wings of a resting skinny buzzer (dragonfly).
It shivered its wing-cases slightly, making the most of the dawn – light and warmth before the area was bustling full of activity.

Unfortunately for the buzzer, this moment had already arrived.

The insect was being carefully watched. A pair of sinister beady eyes was fanatically fixed upon its prey, the predator behind them preparing to pounce…
It seemed to happen in slow motion.

The buzzer saw its hunter leap from the undergrowth, its enormous jaws opened wide. In fright, the insect took off, just as the jaws closed around the branch it had been resting upon just seconds before.

As the skinny buzzer took to the wing, its predator made a noise of dissatisfaction.
“Euurrgh,” Chomper groaned, spitting out the mouthful of plant matter he had gained through his hunting hazards. “Sometimes I think they rest on it just to annoy me…”
He fixed his gaze upon his prey again.
“Alright then,” he growled. “Let’s see you try that again!”

Chomper jumped up and snapped at the buzzer now hovering annoyingly above his head. It darted out of the way just in the nick of time, and Chomper snarled again in frustration.
He leapt up and snapped again, but by this time the insect had got the message. It zipped higher into the air, and quickly coasted away over the treetops.

Chomper sighed and slumped down onto the ground.

“Flying insects are much more trouble than they’re worth,” he muttered, absent-mindedly scratching his shoulder.

It was true. Skinny buzzers, stinging buzzers, the lot of them were very difficult to get hold of, and even when he did, Chomper found they didn’t satisfy his hunger as much as they used to…

“Hey Chomper, what are you doing out here alone and all by yourself?”

Chomper looked up to see a familiar pink, feathery form approach him.

“Hi, Ruby,” he replied. “I’ve been trying to catch breakfast. And my breakfast has been trying to avoid me all morning.” Ruby grinned.

“I saw a hive of stinging buzzers on my way over here,” she said. “Maybe you can…”

But Chomper wasn’t listening. He had finally seen something to take the edge off his hunger.

A small green lizard, sitting atop a log. Motionless, unaware…

Making a split second decision, Chomper pounced.

The lizard made a frantic attempt to get away, but Chomper, now highly trained in this skill, simply slammed his foot on top of his prey. The lizard now immobilised, Chomper ducked down and quickly decapitated the animal with his jaws. He gulped down the head of the creature, before noticing Ruby’s slightly nauseated expression.

“Umm…sorry…” Chomper muttered, grinning sheepishly. Though considering his teeth were stained with crimson flecks owing to the lizard’s blood, this apology didn’t seem particularly profound.

Nevertheless, Ruby smiled again.

“That’s OK,” she said. “It’s not like I’ve never seen anything like it before. Just be careful who you eat in front of, OK?”
Chomper, returning the smile, nodded, and ducked his head down to continue to tear at the lizard carcass.
“Once you’re done eating,” Ruby continued, “Come to the grass slopes near the Thundering Falls. Littlefoot’s preparing a game of Pointy Seed Bowling.”
“OK!” Chomper complied happily. “Just tell Cera – I’m gonna win this time!”

*
The Bright Circle burned fiercely on Saureen’s scales as she trudged through the thick vegetation, snapping at the swarming biters that kept irking her, without success. She was stiff, tired and just generally fed up. She gazed irritably at Seizon, who was walking in front of her. Apparently, he knew exactly where they were going, and it was ëflawless.’ Well, of course it was. The instructions had been given to him by Xal…

Xal was Seizon’s stepfather, and Seizon simply worshipped him. For some part, Saureen could see why – both of Seizon’s had died when he was still quite young. His father had been the victim of a violent earthshake before Seizon had even hatched, and his mother had succumbed to a mysterious disease that nobody could identify a couple of years later.
Despite the fact that Xal was the only father figure Seizon had ever known, Saureen didn’t see any reason why Seizon should act like a submissive servant before him. Seizon was an extremely head-strong independent individual – surely he could have made his own decisions about what they should have done following the attack? Instead, he had blindly followed Xal’s instructions to head west on a wild fast-runner chase, which they were fighting through now.
With this conclusion firmly in her head, Saureen finally decided to voice her concerns.

“Seizon, this is ridiculous. We need to settle somewhere. My feet are killing me…”

Seizon didn’t even turn around.

“We will do so soon enough,” he replied.

Saureen rolled her eyes.

“In case you haven’t noticed, rockhead, we’ve been wandering west for a whole Night Circle Cycle, and we haven’t gotten ANYWHERE.”

“What makes you so sure?” Seizon demanded, surprising Saureen by turning around to face her.
“Do actually know where we are?” he continued.
“No…”
“Exactly.” Seizon turned back to the direction in which he was walking. “Now shut up. I think I’ve worked it out…yes!”

He turned, beaming, back to his weary companion.

“Come on!” he said, excitedly, pointing to a slowly ascending pile of brown rocks.
“Up that! You’ll see where we are once we get to the top.”
Saureen gave an overrated sigh, but followed nonetheless.

As they climbed up this rocky colossus, Saureen couldn’t help by notice it had a distinctive shape. But of what?
The answer came to her when she reached an almost completely vertical column of boulders.
“This whole rock is shaped like a longneck…” she murmured.
“Yep!” Seizon replied. “Now, climb up its neck, and I’ll show you exactly what I’m talking about!”

It was a tricky climb, but eventually, the two young sharpteeth managed to perch themselves on top of the head.

“This had better be good, Seizon,” Saureen groaned, as he helped her up. “Or else I’ll…”

She broke off when she surveyed the landscape below her. Carved between great mountainous walls was a lush green paradise of rolling hills and fresh water. Saureen had never seen anything so beautiful in her life.

“Where…?” she whispered hoarsely.

“The Great Valley,” Seizon replied coolly.

Saureen looked at him.
“I thought that was only a legend,” she said.
“Oh no,” Seizon said. “It’s real. Very real…and this colossus we’re standing on is called Saurus Rock. Apparently, it’s supposed to protect these inhabitants…”

He narrowed his eyes with disdain as herds of flatteeth came into view in the far distance.

“Well, what are we here for?” Saureen demanded. “Why did Xal send us here?”

“Maybe…” Seizon murmured, his eyes sweeping over the landscape. “Maybe…we’re supposed to take it over?”

“Oh please!” Saureen was angry now. “We’re just kids! A single longneck could squash us flat without blinking an eye. Let’s just go – we’ll get on with that pack we formed last night. Those guys won’t want to be kept waiting anyway…”

“Wait.” Seizon held up a claw to silence her. “Smell that…”

Winds from all over the valley were zeroing in on the two youngsters as they stood there, carrying with them the enticing aromas from all sorts of leaf-eating dinosaurs – longnecks, threehorns, flyers, hollow-horns, duckbills, clubtails…enough to make their mouths water.
But mixed in with all of these appetising whiffs was the unmistakable scent of a…

“Sharptooth?” Saureen was astonished. “Another sharptooth in the valley?”
“A twoclaw about our own age, I believe,” Seizon added, taking a closer sniff.
He stopped and smiled.
“You see!” he grinned at Saureen. “Xal knew exactly what he was doing! Come on, let’s go find this twoclaw!”

“What??”

“Well, you said yourself – a longneck could crush a kid like us easily. If the poor little fool came to the valley in the hope of getting a meal, he’s not going to get much luck. He could get killed.” The bladeback had a wry smile on his face.
“I know you wouldn’t want that to happen!”
Saureen gave a grunt of annoyance before following him off of Saurus Rock.

*

“Well,” Seizon muttered. “This is unexpected…”
They had quickly managed to locate the twoclaw. He was a small, indigo-coloured young fella, who, instead of chasing or being chased by flatteeth, was playing with them.
There he was, in the company of a longneck, a threehorn, a spiketail, a bigmouth, a flyer and a fast-runner, happily integrated and making the same exited grunting noises that they were.
Watching from behind a large cycad plantation, Saureen couldn’t help but be drawn to this curious sight. Did this twoclaw know he was a sharptooth? Did his companions? It was certainly an interesting thing to think about…and interesting was certainly the word to describe this young sharptooth.
Seizon’s snide voice cut across her thoughts.
“He looks like an undernourished hatchling. And I thought we were going to meet a proper twoclaw!”

“Seizon,” Saureen frowned disapprovingly. “He’s done plenty of things we have never even dreamed of. He lives with flatteeth. He can even speak flattooth…”

“Anyone can speak flattooth,” Seizon retorted. “All you have to do is squeak and grunt…”

“Well, for all we know, they could be a lot more sophisticated than that,” Saureen snapped back.

“Oh yeah?” Seizon growled. “We’re talking about our food here – creatures that munch on plants. How can they be sophisticated?”

“Maybe we should ask him.” Saureen spoke with a forced calm.

Seizon sighed.

“Alright – I can’t think of any other reason for Xal sending us here…but we can’t let the flatteeth see us. If we can get him on his own, and then question him about it, he could make a valuable part of our pack.”

“Well, you seem to have changed your mind quickly,” Saureen countered. “A moment ago, he was all; ëovergrown hatchling,’ and now you want him as part of our hunting pack?”

“I expect that’s what Xal wanted,” Seizon replied, shrugging. “And we’ve got to do what he says.”

“Why???” Saureen demanded.

Seizon rounded on her.

“Maybe just because you’ve got a nuclear family you think you can doss around with rules and boundaries,” he snarled. “But Xal is all I have, and I have to show him that he means so much to me. If that means trekking west, then I’ll do it. If it means picking up a total weirdo and putting him in our pack, then I’ll do it. If it means trying to take down a whole herd of longnecks on my own, then I’ll do it. He’s all I have. And I want to make it clear he’s worth every minute of it.”

Saureen, though quite perplexed by this little outburst, gently touched him on the arm.
“You’ve got me,” she said.
Seizon half-smiled and turned his attention back to the indigo sharptooth.
“Sure,” he said. “Now let’s see what this sap-sucker does next…”

*

“That takes it up to eight!” Cera crowed, prancing back to join the others. “Beat that if you can, Chomper!”
Chomper was set.
“Alright!” he declared. “I will!”
He placed the spherical rock in front of him and judged the distance between himself and the upright pointy seeds. He needed at least two to bring his score up to Cera’s eight. Chomper was fairly confident he could top that.
Taking a run-up, he head-butted the rock towards the seeds. The rock simply sailed over them, tumbled down the hill, landed with a resounding splash into the fast water at the bottom of the mound and was swept away.

There was a brief pause, until finally Cera gave a snigger.
“I think that makes me a clear winner…”

“Sorry about that, guys,” Chomper murmured. “I’ve never done that before…”

“Maybe you just getting stronger,” Petrie remarked. “My mum always tell me that eating plenty of treestars make you BIIIIIIG and strong…”

“But Petrie,” Ducky replied. “Chomper doesn’t eat treestars…”

“Oh yeah…”

“Don’t worry!” Chomper suddenly piped up. “I’ll go and get it!”

“You sure?” Littlefoot asked. “We can always do something else if you want…”

“No way!” Chomper replied. “I’m not losing to Cera this time!”

And with that, he ran off.

*

Fortunately, the fast water had washed the rock onto the bank near the Thundering Falls. Chomper bent down to pick it up, when…

“Interesting little gang you have there,” said a voice behind him.

As if having a voice suddenly crop up behind you wasn’t enough, the voice had spoken…in sharptooth. Chomper hadn’t heard anyone speak directly to him in his native language for ages.

He whirled round to see a cyan bladeback his own age standing there, smiling slightly. It was a polite smile, but there was no mistaking the malice in his amber eyes.

“What are you doing here?” Chomper demanded in sharptooth.
The bladeback’s eyes widened.

“So you can speak?” he said. “Good! I though sticking around with that livestock would have numbed your brain a little…”

A little flame of anger erupted in the pit of Chomper’s stomach.

“That ëlivestock,’ as you put it, are my friends,” he growled.

“Oh really?” the bladeback replied coldly. “Well, I have an important job to do, and no pathetic scavenger is going to get in the way of that.”
Before Chomper could open his mouth to retort, another young sharptooth (a twoclaw, like him) wandered into his line of vision from behind some ferns. Her striped scales were of such breath-taking beauty that Chomper forgot what he was doing for a moment.

“Seizon,” the girl said. “You’re always all talk and no action. We need to get moving. We’ll be noticed soon.”

“Hmm…yeah, you’re right,” the bladeback agreed, and without warning, he grabbed one of Chomper’s upper arms, whilst the twoclaw grabbed the other.

Quickly moving into a sprint, they slammed Chomper headlong into a nearby tree. Dazed, he collapsed onto the ground, his vision swimming before him and stars dancing mockingly in front of his eyes.

“Dammit,” he could hear the bladeback say. “Pesky twoclaw skulls are as hard as ever…we’re going to need something else to get this guy out cold…aha!”

Chomper didn’t like the sound of that. He made to stand up, but then a hand pushed him down.

“Don’t,” he heard the female twoclaw whisper. “It’ll be over very shortly…”

Through the hazy coloured blurs, Chomper could see the bladeback walking towards him, carrying a large spherical rock that looked strangely familiar…

Oh damn.

Chomper didn’t remember anymore.

~0~

And there you have  it!!!!! Tell me what you think, etc, and I hope you're satisfied with the spacing this time!  :smile Anyway, enjoy. I'm also interested in hearing where you think this story will go. I won't confirm anything, due to spoilers, but I love to hear fan's theories!  :DD

jansenov

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Venatione Venatus
« Reply #16 on: January 23, 2013, 07:47:57 pm »
I've read the new chapter, and the introduction again, and I've noticed some small errors this time. In the introduction Saureen was described as having an iconic silhouette. Why would it be iconic? The story had just begun, and the reader knows nothing about the setting and characters. There's no prior context from which the character would derive her fame. Maybe you should have used "tiny", "slim" or "fleeting".
There's also the part where Saureen asks about her father, and Seizon replies: "It'll take more than a spiked longneck to finish him off. Maybe he's lying unconscious somewhere?" (this might not be the exact quote, I'm writing from memory). I see that this is supposed to convey Seizon's recklessness, but the problem is that lying unconscious is exactly the state where anybody could be finished off easily, and even to Seizon this would have to seem illogical. Not to mention that Saureen's reaction is unusually cold to this remark. You should change this sentence.

In the first chapter, not only can Seizon and Saureen smell Chomper among all the Great Valley dinosaurs from Saurus Rock, but they can even determine his age. OK, since we have no idea how sharp is the sharptooth's sense of smell supposed to be, this can fly. This is not really an error, I just want you to rethink if you want stick with this. If you want to keep the sharptooth's very strong sense of smell, you should be aware that this could have significant influence on the rest of the plot. You will have to keep this ability in mind all the time.

Also, during the following conversation on Saurus Rock Seizon mentions the term "nuclear family", and when Seizon and Saureen watch Chomper play, Chomper is described as being "well integrated". These sociological terms, while being precise and used correctly, nevertheless look out of place. They don't fit into the overall style of the story.

There! You need to modify a few sentences and the story will be technically almost flawless (perfection can't be achieved, and it would be preposterous for a foreigner like me to even claim to know how should perfect English look like. Maybe I have overplayed my hand already).

As for the artistic side of the story, keep up the good work! :yes Just don't slow the story down. The tempo is alright now.




Dosu2Dinner

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« Reply #17 on: January 24, 2013, 03:06:21 am »
The reason I referred to Saureen's sillouette as iconic is because she's a T.rex, and a T.rex could be easily recognised. I guess I didn't think that through too, but at the time that sounded alright.

As for the 'lying unconsious somewhere' even though being unconsious puts you in a perfect position to be finished off, its better than lying dead, and considering the reckless, often violent world, unconsious is about as good as you can get. And Saureen reacted coldly to this, because, as you said, this comment was rather uncaring and snide. You may be right though, I'll think about changing it. Not sure what to though...

As for their sense of smell, I see it like this: On top of their vantage point, with wind blowing in from all directions, their ability to pick out scents would have been increased tenfold. OK, so I may not be too accurate with the physics in the that one, but hey this is LBT. XD.

Anyway, thanks for your feedback.

Ducky123

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« Reply #18 on: January 24, 2013, 04:35:23 pm »
loooolllll, they're kidnapping Chomper :DD
I expected them to be friends( but maybe that comes later ;) )
This fanfiction is going to be great :) really!!
hmm, a signature? I'll think of something.

vonboy

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« Reply #19 on: January 24, 2013, 05:46:43 pm »
Definitely an interesting meeting with Chomper.

Loved the "livestock" comment. Not sure how dinosaurs would know about terms like that, but it's your story.

So, their gonna try to take over the valley? Hmm, seems like their gonna get some different ideas down the line, what with that "beast" that still has to be dealt with, and Siezon's dad that's still MIA.

I'm looking forward your kid OC's meeting the Gang, as I kinda foresee that happening.

Also, I'm getting an idea of who the real antagonist is gonna be, but I won't tell other people here. My lips are sealed.

Keep it up, I wanna see how this thing unfolds!