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vonboy

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« on: February 19, 2014, 10:15:40 pm »
It was a hot, sunny, summer day in the mysterious Beyond. In a sparcily vegetated, frankly bare region, resided a nest. This nest was placed close to a watering hole, nestled in an area, sourrounded by a few small hills. In this nest lived three tyrannosaurus rexes. Two mates with a very young son. Today, the mother was pacing around the area, looking anxious.

What's taking him so long this time?" she thought to herself, before turning her interest to her son.

He was over by a huge, but mostly bare threehorn carcass. She had killed it, and dragged it back home to the nest for the family several days ago. Most all of the flesh had been cleaned off from it already, only little bits of it hanging here and there. Much too small for a gargantuan tyrannosaurus to even give a second thought to, but an enticing snack to a much smaller t-rex. He was struggling to get at a particularly juicy looking morsel suspended high above the ground, trying to climb his way from rib to rib to get at it, but tumbling down every time.

After a final fall, the young one kicked up some dust, stomped his foot a little in desperation, shook his head from realization, and finally started walking off. "Don't feel so discouraged, son. You'll be big enough one day." She tried to reassure her son. The large tyrannosaurus lowered her head down and motioned the little tike to hop on.

When she brought her head closer to the carcass, her son set there for a moment, building up his strength. He then leaped off from her mother's snout, caught the little morsel of meat in his jaws, and dragged it down with his weight to the ground below. She laughed while he feasted on the little hunk of flesh. "That's how do you it, son! Way to go!"

Her mind soon wondered back on her mate. What was he up to out there? It had been over a day since he had left on his latest hunt, and she was beginning to miss him. She missed getting to hunt together with her mate, but due to the new little bundle of joy, one of them always had to stay behind to watch out for him. Of course, he'll get bigger someday. They'll teach him the ways of their kind. How to hunt. How to provide for yourself, and also your family. She couldn't wait for the day all three of them could go out together. Just the three of them, against the whole world!

The smell from her mate filled her highly sensitive nostrils before she even saw him. The first thing she could pick out in the distance was a large mass moving slowly from the horizon, as if being dragged by someone else. As she focused on it some more, she realized what it was. My, he really outdid himself this time! she thought to herself. She instinctively called out to her son. "Come and look, little one!"

The child scrambled over by his mother, and looked off in the distance. "What, mother? I can't see anything!" He was still to small be able to look over the couple of small hills.

She gave a short laugh, before sticking her head back down, and motioning him to hop on again. "What do you see now, son?"

"Oh, it's daddy, isn't it? But what does he have with him? Never seen anything like that before."

"That's a longneck, dear."

"Oh, okay. M...Mom, what's a longneck?"

Another short laugh bellowed from her jaws. "Oh, that's right. You've never seen one before, haven't you?" Her son nodded. "Well, they have long necks, like their name implies, and they're big. VERY big!"

"Wow, it IS big! How did daddy even catch that!?"

"Well, it's very hard for just one sharptooth to take down such a big leafeater, but I'm sure daddy found a way. He's dragging it home now, isn't he?" She couldn't see her son's face, but she imagined it was full of wonder and excitement right now.

"What do they taste like, mom?"

"They taste Very good, dear!"

The next thing that happened was a little silly. The young sharptooth darted off towards his father, not realizing he was still on his mother's snout. He plummeted to the ground, alarming the larger beast.

"Son!"

The little one picked himself off of the ground, coughed a little, quickly called out "I'm fine!" before rushing off to his father again.

"Stay back, son!" This was his father calling out. He was dark purple in color. A Color most other sharpteeth would have laughed at, but she simply found it unique.

" Alright, time to eat, son!" she roared out.

"Yay, we're eating longneck tonight!"

"Oh, no, we aren't!"

"...what?" Was all that she could think of to say. What did her mate just tell her and their son?"

"It's Littlefoot!"

-----------------------------------------

So, here's a short fanfiction I'm working on. It'll only be a few parts long, but I'm sure you can guess where this is heading :DD

People's been telling me that I'm not descriptive enough in my writing, but with my more script-based writing style, that's much harder to do. So, I've had this little story idea rolling around in my head, and I decided to write it out. This first part is pretty short, but hopefully the next few parts will be longer. I'm hoping this helps me with be descriptive in my writing. Tell me what you think of it so far, I really wanna know! :DD
Come check out my new Youtube gaming channel, Game Biter!
---------------------
Littlefoot: "Look, Chomper. You're uncle is dead, and it's just right for your friends to be there for you. You'd be there if someone we know died, right?"

Chomper: "Well, sure I would!"

Come give my LBT TV Series fanfiction, PAST-O-RAMA, a read!
---------------------
(Runner-Up)

rhombus

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« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2014, 10:34:17 pm »
A most promising beginning.  :yes

I must say if your goal is to be more descriptive in your writing, then you have already succeeded in outdoing your script-based stories in terms of detail.  As you mentioned in your author's note, it is quite difficult to convey highly descriptive details in a script-based format.  With regards to everything else, I found nothing in this introductory chapter that seemed out of place.  Your characterization of Mrs. Chomper and Chomp Jr. was quite nice.  I can easily imagine Chomper's child becoming over-excited, forgetting where he is, and walking off of his mother's snout.  :DD It seems that the kid inherited some his dad's personality traits.

I look forward to the future chapters, as I am curious to see how this develops.    :)


Go ahead and check out my fanfictions, The Seven Hunters, Songs of the Hunters, and Mender's Tale.

Ducky123

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« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2014, 03:21:30 pm »
You did a good job, I think :)

The plot didn't just go straight but there were details and new actions one would not expect here and there. I have to agree with rhombus that the writing is descriptive :yes

And you sure know how to use cliffhangers :p I hope Littlefoot is alright and will not end as Littlefoot stew  :blink:
Inactive until further notice. Don't feel at home here anymore.

Dosu2Dinner

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« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2014, 09:23:03 am »
One of the things I like most about this is how you didn't reveal Chomper's identity until right at the end. It makes the revelation of Littlefoot just afterwards even more hard-hitting.  :blink: The narrative of this flows really well as well, and its an envious plot and idea.  :rolleyes:
I hope to see more of this!

vonboy

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« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2014, 04:47:27 pm »
@Rhombus: Thanks for the encouragement! I'm trying to make him the little innocent type, like his father was when he was young. You can see where I'm going with this. :lol

@Ducky: It wasn't too confusing to follow, was it, David? Going from part to part might be kinda jarring, but I hope it's not too bad.

@Dosu2Dinner: Thanks, man! I'm really trying something different with this little story, as you'll see a little better in this next part.

Anyway, here's the second part. Enjoy! :DD

-------------------------------------------------------

"Listen to me, Chomper. You really want to deny us food? Deny your own son food?"

"Look, I'm not just going to turn my back on him like that."

"Then why did you bring him home in the first place, then!? Huh?"

"I just thought I'd be able to help him, you know. What was I supposed to do? Just leave him out there for some other sharptooth to feast on?"

"Believe it or not, I wouldn't have been HALF as pissed as I am now if you had just done that! What you're talking about right now, it's just... it's just absolute lunacy!'

"I have to try, I owe him that much, at least!"

"You blind fool!"

Arguing, arguing, and even more arguing.

That was all that he could hear that night. After his father had finally brought that huge longneck back to the nest, there was to be no feasting, and his mother was NOT happy about it. He wasn't either. His belly was still rumbling from lack of attention. That little bitty snack from before just wasn't enough.

He remembered his parents arguing before, over things such as whether they should follow a certain herd or not, or stay at this nesting area. This fight, however, was different. They were really at each others throats this time! He was expecting a nice little evening with his parents when he saw his father rolling in with that carcass, but right now, he was just all kinds of confused. Why did his parents have to be so hateful to each other like that? It made no sense to his innocent little mind.

He didn't want to focus on anymore arguing, so he instead turned his attention back to that carcass, and his belly. He noticed a decent sized gash on the side of the beast, closer to it's backbone. A small bit of flesh was just hanging there, ripped up in the attack, but still just barely hanging on. This little bit looked like it would be delicious, so he decided to go after it.

He came up to the side of the creature, and tried to claw himself up. This was nigh impossible however. His tiny, underdeveloped claws were sharp, yes, but still much to small to even dig into the thick hide for a grip.

He then tried getting his parent's attention. He made a few squeaks and calls. Neither responded, still too enveloped in their little argument. Next up he approached to his mother, and brought his body up to her leg.

"What is it, baby?"

"Mommy, I'm hungry!"

"I am too, dear. Your father is just being a huge ass right now."

"I'm being the ass?"

"Speaking matter of factly, you are. Trying to save that longneck just makes no sense! It'd be better just to eat it!"

"Oh, it's alright. Just turn on your friends. That's the way to live life! You really wanna raise our son like that!?"

...And here they go again. Right back to their argument, much to his displeasure. The little biter left them in frustration. Standing before the kill again, he decided he was going to have to solve this problem himself. Looking around, he noticed the creature's long tail, laying out like a gradual staircase. of course! he thought to himself. I can just climb up that tail!

Taking the little trek up the tail, he was starting to close in on his prize, but something caught him off guard. The ground was moving! What's going on, here!? he thought in a panic. Looking around at his surroundings, he saw the skyward-facing side of the longenck he was standing on was moving up and down slowly. This longneck is still breathing? It's still alive!? What was going on here? Perhaps his father had just forgotten to kill his prey. Forgot to check if the giant mass of flesh he was dragging back to then nest was still breathing. Wait, that's just silly! How could daddy make a big mistake like that? This reasoning on his part did not last long, though, as his hunger was getting the better of him.

He trotted over to the exposed hunk of flesh, a light trail of drool left behind in his wake. Taking in one last whiff, he took a bite of the meat. Amazing! Even better than mother said it would be! His hard work had paid off! He took in another bite from the orphaned hunk of flesh, and it seemed to taste better than the first bite! Why was this so good? Was it just because it was so fresh? He had little time to explore this thought, as a deafening, bloodcurdling roar took him off guard.

"Get off of him, NOW!!!"

He froze in fear for a second, then looked up. His father was standing right in front of him, barred teeth, claws at the ready, and with murder in his eyes.

"...Daddy?"

"I said get off!"

Not knowing anything else he could do, he lept off of the longneck, and went straight out of the nest, as fast as his stompers could take him. He ran for a few minutes, but it seemed much longer than that to him. Entering a small forest, he laid his head down on a small, flat rock, sobbing to himself. He sat there, wallowing in fear and confusion, when a familiar voice entered his ears.

"Hey there, buddy. Are you alright?"

He rubbed some tears from his eyes. trying to get a grip on himself.

"It's okay, Rex. Just tell me what's wrong. I hate to see a friend so upset."

He looked over to the dinosaur that was staring at him from the side. It was a very young Iguanodon, light, faded out green in color. Almost a little brown. His eyes were full of emotion, too, but it wasn't of fear. They were full of concern. This leafeater didn't act like he was staring at a predator at all.

"I'm sorry, Guaro. Didn't mean to scare you."

"Haha! Well, you running in here so fast would probably scare anyone! But, what's up? Did something happen?"

"Oh, it's my parents."

"Your... parents?"

"Yeah, they're really mad at me right now. Well, my dad is anyway."

"Is it me?"

"What? No, it's not you. Why would he be angry at you? He was just so angry at me when I was eating that longneck."

The leaf-eater's eyes shot wide open.

"You were eating a longneck?"

"Yeah. My daddy brought it home, so I started to eat some. Daddy REALLY didn't want me to eat any, though."

"That's... interesting."

"Why do you think he wouldn't want me to have some?"

His mind was just blank. His dad had always let him eat from his kills before. Maybe his dad wanted it all to himself?

"I don't really know, Rex. Maybe that longneck was sick, and it'd make you sick if you ate it?"

"I don't know, maybe."

"Anyway, I don't really see how I can help you with that. You'll just have to go talk to you're folks about it. In the meantime, I'll just try to catch something to eat myself."

"That's okay. I think I feel better just talking to someone about it. Thanks"

His friend gave his goodbyes for the day, but he wasn't paying much attention to him. The little predator left his friend, and trekked all the way back to his nest. What he saw was a tad confusing. His mother was fast asleep, probably too tired from all of the arguing, but his father was still very much wide awake. He was laying down, with his back facing the longneck. His eyes were wide open, observing his surroundings, trying to protect... something. Rex brought himself before his father, with more questioning and confused eyes.

"Why are you so mad at me, daddy? What did I do wrong?"

His father's eyes suddenly softened up. They watered up a bit, as he brought his head down into his small claws to weep.

"It's... not your fault, son. I just... I don't know what got into me."

The massive beast extended his claws out. "Come here, son."

The little one complied. After nestling in his father warm embrace, he asked his father another question.

"Daddy? Why aren't we eating the longneck?"

"Well, he's my friend. I don't want to eat him."

"You're friends with a leafeater? That's just silly!"

"I guess it is a little silly, in a way, but I'm doing it already. Kinda late to stop now, isn't it? You have any leafeater friends, son?"

Rex thought back to the Iguanodon he just spoke to earlier.

"Nope, just this sharptooth friend."

"I still wanna see this friend of yours, son."

"He doesn't want to see you, though."

"Really? That's odd." His father shifted his weight a bit, probably to get more comfertable. "Maybe he's just shy or something."

The little biter just couldn't hold back a yawn.

"You should probably be going to sleep, little one."

"Can I sleep with you tonight? Here?"

"I guess it's alright. You're already here, aren't you?"

Rex couldn't keep his eyes open any longer. He drifted off into a deep sleep.

His father didn't sleep a wink...
Come check out my new Youtube gaming channel, Game Biter!
---------------------
Littlefoot: "Look, Chomper. You're uncle is dead, and it's just right for your friends to be there for you. You'd be there if someone we know died, right?"

Chomper: "Well, sure I would!"

Come give my LBT TV Series fanfiction, PAST-O-RAMA, a read!
---------------------
(Runner-Up)

rhombus

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« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2014, 09:57:59 pm »
It seems that Littlefoot's arrival has caused some major domestic strife between Chomper and the misses.  I wonder if Chomper ever told her about his friendship with Littlefoot prior to this unexpected reunion?  If not, then that is quite a bit to chew on  :p and probably too strange of an idea for her to accept.

Also in this chapter we get to see that Chomper Jr. seems to be more like his father than he might suspect.  Not only is he innocent and excitable, but he also has found himself a leafeater friend, an Iguanodon no less.  It will be interesting to see how this turns out.   :yes

There is only one thing that I noticed that stood out to me.  It isn't a mistake, per se, but the word choice could be changed I think:

Quote
"Anyway, I don't really see how I can help you with that. You'll just have to go talk to you're folks about it. In the meantime, I'll just try to catch something to eat myself."

I think that the Iguanodon would probably say "I'll just try to find something to eat myself." as he wouldn't need to chase down his food, since his food would be plant material.

Other than that, however, I didn't notice any problems.  Your writing is descriptive enough to effectively portray the emotions and motivations of the characters, but not overly verbose that it detracts from the flow of the story.  I look forward to the next chapter.  :yes


Go ahead and check out my fanfictions, The Seven Hunters, Songs of the Hunters, and Mender's Tale.

Ducky123

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« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2014, 01:11:59 pm »
This is interesting... :lol

Chomper must be weird in the eyes of his wife... and Rex got himself a little leafeater... not for dinner though... yet :p I'm really curious how their friendship is going to develop!

Having a piece of flesh eaten by a young biter, must be as bad for Littlefoot as a mosquito bite is for a human :p Considering his size as an adult...

About your little correction, rhombus: I do know why vonboy wrote "catch" but I will leave it to him whether to reveal it yet or not :yes

Looking forward to reading the next one :smile Keep up the good work!
Inactive until further notice. Don't feel at home here anymore.

vonboy

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« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2014, 05:50:21 pm »
Thanks for the feedback, Guys!

@Rhombus: About the iganodon talking about catching his food, there's something to that, like Ducky said.

@Ducky123: Yeah, I guess we'll just have to wait and see if Rex brings his little friend over for dinner or not. :DD Also, thanks for that little remark about how insignificant Littlefoot's bites must be. Gave me an idea.  :lol

Anyway, here's a new part, finally.



------------------------------------------------------------



It was another hot, sunny, summer day in the mysterious Beyond. In a sparcily vegetated, frankly bare region, resided a nest. This nest was placed close to a watering hole, nestled in an area, surrounded by a few small hills. In this nest, two large sharpteeth currently resided. one of these sharpeeth, a female one, was talking to a male one, seemingly protecting a longneck.

"Please, Chomper. We have to eat SOMETHING!"

"Can't you just go out and hunt, honey? Please?"

"It's STILL your turn, dear, if you've forgotten. You haven't provided anything for the family yet!"

"But, if I leave..."

"...Yes. I'll eat that longneck."

"Littlefoot! You'll eat littlefoot!"

The female walked a little closer to the male.

"Chomper, I know he means a lot to you, but you just have to let it go. YOu've got too much on the line. Do the right thing."

Just then, one of them looked over in the direction of the onlooker.

Oh, shit!. The creature immediately turned tail and ventured back into the foliage of the nearby forest. He looked behind himself, and saw his friend walking though the foliage. The little sharptooth was on a short trek to return to his parents. Earlier, he had spent quite a while among the foliage, probably just trying to build up the courage to face his father again. I can't even begin to imagine how he must be feeling. The little creature started to think to himself. What if My father lashed out at me like that?"

The herbivore's thoughts soon turned to something else.

Why do I keep doing this? Keep talking to him?

 The young Iguanodon laid down for a time, deep in thought.He had learned the language of the sharpteeth from a passing flyer, and it had proved quite an advantage in the past. You pretty much had to be a coniving little bastard to make it out in the Mysterious Beyond, after all. He'd have long ago ended up as someone else breakfast, if it wasn't for his linguistic abilities. Now, however, he wasn't so sure. Part of him liked this new friend of his. Part of him was feeling some disgust over how he had been lying to the little T-rex. Oh, yeah, there was that whole 'You're gonna get yourself killed!' thought in the back of his mind as well.

That little sharptooth seemed so gullible back then. How could he believe that his friend was a sharptooth, and not a source of food? His mind soon wondered to a different place. A time not so far in the past.

------------------------------------------------------------

Guaro, scared for his life, did the only thing he could think of. He played along.

"Dang it, where did that little critter run of too!?"

The sharptooth's expression suddenly changed to one of surprise.

"wh... who was that?"

The sharptoothed searched through the woods some more, before coming to the same conclusion.

"Yes. It must have gone away."

Guaro was about to bolt it out of the area, before the predator spoke again.

"Who are you, mister?"

The little sharptooth was still trying to talk to him?" Why wouldn't the little neusance just go away already?

"I know you're still there, mister. I can smell you, after all!"

It seemed he wasn't getting out of this mess so easily. He would have play his little chirade for a bit longer.

"Yeah, I'm still here. I guess I'll just have to find something to chase down."

"Maybe we could look for something together? We might to better if we work together."

"...no! I... I', kind of a loner. I'll just look for something else myself."

"OH, okay. See you later then... whit. what;s you're name?"

"Guaro."

"Oh, okay. I'm Rex, by the way. Anyway, see you later!"

Finally, the beast ran off! It left him some time to think about his new acquaintance.

------------------------------------------------------------

He finally got the courage again to look at the sharptooth family. The mother had since gone to sleep. The father was still by the longneck. Actually, he had his back leaned up next to it, ready to go to sleep himself. Rex was facing him, in conversation.

"You should probably be going to sleep, little one."

"Can I sleep with you tonight? Here?"

"I guess it's alright. You're already here, aren't you?"

The young Iguanodon stayed in his little shelter, fixed on the family of sharpteeth.



-------------------------------------------------------------



Sorry it took ages. I've just been so busy with work. Whenever I'd finally get around to trying to write this, I just couldn't. Hope you liked it, even though it was a bit short. THe next part should be longer. It's gonna be from Chomper's point of view this time.

On a side note, this is the halfway mark. I told you this short story was short! I'm only expecting to have 6 different parts, each one from the point of view of a different character.
Come check out my new Youtube gaming channel, Game Biter!
---------------------
Littlefoot: "Look, Chomper. You're uncle is dead, and it's just right for your friends to be there for you. You'd be there if someone we know died, right?"

Chomper: "Well, sure I would!"

Come give my LBT TV Series fanfiction, PAST-O-RAMA, a read!
---------------------
(Runner-Up)

Nahla

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« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2014, 09:06:14 pm »
Nice to see this continued.

I'm curious how come Littlefoot hasn't actually said or done anything-is he unconscious or has he now died or something? It was mentioned he was still breathing so...I just figured Littlefoot would notice he has been dragged over to a sharptooth nest if he was conscious  :lol


Quote


Random I right there haha...what is it for?

Look forward to the next part,

vonboy

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« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2014, 09:13:50 pm »
Yeah, Littlefoot is unconscious right now, probably from the blood lose I'd guess.

Thanks for catching that I. It was just some italics code I botched up, and didn't notice.
Come check out my new Youtube gaming channel, Game Biter!
---------------------
Littlefoot: "Look, Chomper. You're uncle is dead, and it's just right for your friends to be there for you. You'd be there if someone we know died, right?"

Chomper: "Well, sure I would!"

Come give my LBT TV Series fanfiction, PAST-O-RAMA, a read!
---------------------
(Runner-Up)

rhombus

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« Reply #10 on: August 21, 2014, 03:55:51 pm »
This was a very nice chapter.  :) I enjoyed the elaboration on how Rex and Guaro first met.  It sounds very believable when we consider how naive Chomper was about some things when he was Rex's age.  I will be interested in seeing how that part of the story develops.  As for Littlefoot... wake up man!  Mrs. Chomper wants friends for dinner and not in a good way.  :smile It will be curious to see how Chomper's attachment to his past strains the relationships of his present.

I look forward to the next chapter.  :yes


Go ahead and check out my fanfictions, The Seven Hunters, Songs of the Hunters, and Mender's Tale.

Ducky123

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« Reply #11 on: August 21, 2014, 03:55:53 pm »
Ah nice to see an update :)

LOoking forward to the next part and I hope you can find a little time here and there :yes
Inactive until further notice. Don't feel at home here anymore.

vonboy

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« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2014, 09:54:09 pm »
Just a small distance away from the sharptooth nest, a sharptooth bent over a small stream, in the darkness of the night. The predator stuck a large, sturdy, curved leaf into the cold waters, and dragged it back out, full of the clear liquid. With a careful, steady grip, he dragged this leaf all the way back to the nest.

There, the longneck resided, still motionless. The predator came up to him, and wiped old leaves off of the open wound on the great green eater's back. He slowly brought the leaf up, and used the water to wash out the wound the best he could. Upon inspecting the wound, he noticed there was very little bleeding left, and the wound was just beginning to heal itself. He then stepped on a small pile of leaves repeatedly, until they turned into more of a green, gooey, mush, plopped the better part of this concoction on the longneck's wound, and covered it with some more leaves that he had at the ready. The T-rex stood by the old longneck for a while longer, before laying down again, with his back facing the massive herbivore. He stuck his head down, and sighed.

Dammit, Littlefoot! Why do you have to leave me hanging like this?

Chomper was so exhausted from the unknown over the last few days. He took this time to think back, to when he last saw his friend.

It was on a sunny day in the Great valley. He was just a little one then. The grownup, who had somehow allowed him to stay in their fortified valley for a time, decided, out of nowhere, it seemed, to send him away. When they told him this, he asked if he had done anything wrong. Was someone missing? Did he hurt someone? The answer to both of these questions were no, but the grownup did not seem to care about it. They were not concerned with what he did, but what he would do, someday, when he was older.

Even though the little predator had been very docile in his stay, he was growing bigger, and all of the grownups were growing worried about this. They all though he might snap at some point, from his growing hunger, and kill someone. They would have been right, of course, but his young, naive little mind didn't want to believe it at the time. when he refused this request, it wasn't a request anymore. It was a command, bellowed out from an old threehorn, who had stomped right up next to him.

He was bewildered, but reluctantly, he listened to the pompous old threehorn. What was the alternative? To be stomped to death right there? Leaving the valley, he was filled with sadness. Did his friends turn on him? Did they not love him anymore?

When he went through the passage of the great wall, he looked back, and saw a familiar face, from far off in the distance, far away from the wall of grownups who were guarding the way back into the valley. It was Littlefoot's face. They're eyes locked, and much was exchanged in that moment. The little longnecks eyes were full of sadness, but no hate or malice. With a small nod, and a wave of his tail, he wished the little predator farewell. His friends had played no part in this, and were just as shaken up as him about this sudden change of events as he was. With this small comfort, he turned around, and left his friends behind forever.

Coming back from his memories, he concentrated on the now massive longneck behind him. Thoughts had been haunting him for the past several nights. The longneck's condition seemed to be improving, but he couldn't be sure. Nothing was sure in this world. There was still no way of knowing if his old friend would be able to recover from this. This unknown was tormenting the killer. He would eat Littlefoot if he was dead, but if there was still a chance, he also couldn't waste it. Part of him wanted Littlefoot to pass away tonight, just so he wouldn't have to deal with these emotions anymore. He would have brought Littlefoot's carcass back if he was dead, he knew. Even if he was his best friend. The first dinosaur he saw when he hatched. Food was food.

He thought back to when his father died. They were all hunting down a threehorn that day, Him, and his parents. They did manage to kill the beast, but not before his father received a damning gash from the leaf eater. The prey's horns had managed to pierce into his father's lower abdomen, and his leg, before he lost to the mighty predator. His father's bleeding was severe, and his pierced leg now refused to function anymore. It was paralyzed.

He remembered the tears, when his father told him he wouldn't make it. All three of them knew when an injury was just too much, even though he didn't want to believe it himself. He remembered the shouting, and the repeated refusals, when his father asked him to take his life. The old sharptooth didn't want to be in so much pain anymore, and a snap in the neck was all it took.

His mother finally did the task that he was unable to do. They both mourned over him after that. They morned for days. They shared stories of that feared sharptooth, about his greatest hunts, and his biggest mess ups, while sharing the threehorn carcass, one of his final gifts to them. Finally, when the threehorn was cleaned, they...

...They ate him, too.

It's not something that was easy to think about, but in this harsh and dangerous world, anything went. Sometimes you had to do horrible things to survive.

He was doing it all over again. Chomper was lost in an endless loop. Every time he dwelt on the same thoughts, it made him feel worse. It made him feel powerless. He was spending way too much time worrying about things that were just out of his control, but it was all he could do. He had no one to turn to.

"Hey."

His mind flashed back to reality. In his wallowing, he didn't even notice it when his wife woke up, and came to him.

"You really care about him, don't you?"

Chomper's head whipped around, and he set his eyes on his mate, who posed the question.

"I remember when you told me about Littlefoot. I thought it was just some mushy tale. Something to try to win me over.

Chomper didn't know where her mate was going with this, but he decided to play along.

"I thought you'd see me like the biggest looney ever if I told you, but..."

"...but, I thought it was really cute."

"Yeah, you thought that little longneck tale was cute... while you were ripping a longneck carcass to shreds!"

"Were we eating longneck that night? Hmm, I seemed to have forgotten."

She then smirked at her soul-mate.

"Well, YOU were the one that decided to bring him up while I was ripping that longneck carcass to shreds!"

"...Yeah. Guess it was kinda my fault."

The two mates broke out into laughter from that. Chomper was happy to finally be having a more playful conversation with his mate. This did bring some questions into his head, though. Why is she acting this way? Why now? There must be something coming, and something did. She spoke up again.

"So... about that longneck... Littlefoot. You should probably go out hunting if you want to save him."

That was logical, yes, but this raised a question in the mind of the friendly sharptooth.

"But... won't you just start eating him if I leave?"

She backed away for a moment, sighed, and then replied.

"Well, I've thought long and hard over this, and I'm willing to give him a chance, at least."

"A Chance? What do you mean."

"I'm gonna give you until tomorrow at sundown to bring home some other food for us."

"Are you really gonna keep that promise?""

"Would I lie to you, dear? I'm a sharptooth of my word. I at least have my honor to keep."

"So, I just gotta catch something else, and we'll eat?"

"HELL, WE'RE EATING EITHER WAY! Got it!?"

Chomper stepped back a bit when she blew up a little. She looked damn scary when she got like this. Her words were booming and chilling at the same time. So, if I don't make a kill tomorrow, Littlefoot dies. That's what this has come down to, isn't it?"

His mate seemed to notice what he was going through right now. Her eyes lost their fire. She crept up slowly to him again, until they were touching. She then stood by him, up against him, now with a tender voice coming out of her jaws.

"You could think of it as doing something for you're friend. You're going out there to kill in the morning. Kill... for him."

When she put it that way, it kind of put his mind at ease, by giving him something he could do. He could go out to hunt, and it could save his friend. Suddenly, He didn't feel so worthless and powerless anymore.

Chomper: "Then, it's settled!"

His tension lowered somewhat, and he got a small boost in adrenaline, and came up to face Littlefoot.

Chomper: "Did you hear that, buddy? I'm, gonna go out and hunt tomorrow!, I'm gonna find somebody, rip their throat out, and spread little chunks of em all over the landscape, just for you!"

He heard his mate laughing again, before she spoke to him. "It does sound kinda silly when you think about it. hunting a leafeater for another leafeater."

"Yeah,  I suppose it is silly."

The mighty hunter then laid back down again, now looking escalated after the show of support for his friend.

"I'm gonna need some sleep. Badly! I haven't slept much these past few days."

"Yeah, I've noticed. Well, get much much needed rest, and go get us something good tommorrow."

"Sure thing, dear!"

The two sharpteeth nuzzled each other for a moment before the female left him. She smirked, probably smug about something, but he didn't to seem notice or even mind it. He was too drained to think about anything else. He closed his eyes, and finally, he was in some peace.

-----------------------------

That was until a rustling in the bushes awoke him from his light slumber.
What was that? he thought to himself. He took a look around, not noticing anything, before a small creature stumbled out. It was his son.

"Son? What are you doing up?"

"I... um... nothing."

His son was probably just unable to sleep again. Was his constant arguing with his mate really ffecting his son this much? The answer was obvious to him, but he'd just been ignoring it the past couple of nights. He was too occupied with his old frined to think about his son.

That was when a scent entered his nose. It was the fresh scent of a young iguanodon. He thought back to the son in front of him, who did look hungry. He had neglected to teach his son some more finer points of hunting. He had promissed him this many days ago, but had been putting it off. He decided he mind as well start a lesson with his son now. The little predator would need to learn such things sooner or later.

"Hey, son? How about that hunting lesson I've been holding off?"

The little predator's face lit up.

"Why, I'd love to, daddy! But, I want you to meet a friend of mine, first."

"You're friend is here? I don't smell anyone here."

"Sure, he's here! Just let me bring him out for you to see!"

The little sharptooth disappeared back into the dense foliage. Chomper could heard some arguing taking place, but he couldn't make out any of it. Finally, his son reemerged, dragging an iguanodon by the tail.

"Here, he is!"

"wh..huh...what is this, son?"

"He's my sharptooth buddy, daddy! Say hi, Guaro!"

The small creature freaked out, but suddenly froze right there in place, probably from seeing no real way out of it's predicament. The little thing finally found the meager strength to speak up, in sharptooth."

"...hi."

What the hell was going on here? His son had brought him a leafeater, that he called his friend. That part did not really hit the older shaprooth so much, due to his past, but the fact that his son thought this food was a sharptooth filled him with rage.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?"

He screamed out in leafeater, something he had not done for a very long time. He looked back down at the two. His son was flabbergasted, not knowing the words his father was roaring out, while the leaf eater was hit with another wave of fear. He just sat there, trembling before the mighty sharptooth. He couldn't even speak.

"I... asked you what's going on, piece of meat. Why does my son think your a sharptooth?"

"B... because..."

"...becuase you told him?"

"...y...yes."

His son suddenly spoke up, in sharptooth.

"Daddy? What are you saying?"

"Just stay out of this, son. please."

He turned his attention back to the little wreck of a creature.

"Why?"

"So he wouldn't eat me."

"You could have just run away, stupid beast!"

"I know, but... that was all I could think of at the time."

The prey gained a little of his composure back, and started to speak more clearly.

"I kept talking to him, and he started to like me. As a friend, I mean. We're... pretty good friends now, in the little bit of time we've spent together."

"You never told my son what you were, though, right?"

"...no. I thought he'd just turn on me if I did. I am... what I am, after all."

What the hell does this little thing think he is? Chomper was thinking. He badly needed some sleep for tomorrow, but it seemed like he now had to deal with this little brat somehow. He thought for a brief moment about giving this runt to his mate in the morning, but it was much to small. He had a big mouth on him, yes, but not much meat on him. She'd never accept that pathetic excuse for a meal in place of Littlefoot. He could just kill the little Iguanodon for the hell of it, though his son probably wouldn't forgive him for that. After a few more moments of pondering over this, he thought of another idea. His son needed to be a part of this, so he decided he would let his little apprentice make the decision for him.

"Tell him what you really are. Tell him you've been lying to him this whole time, and see if he still sees you as a friend."

The little leaf eater jumped back. He had fear in his face and his voice as he mumbled something.

"But... but, what if he eats me?"

"Well, you would have just brought it upon yourself!"

Chomper laid back, with a slight smile across his jaws, watching the scene that was about to unfold in front of him. The little iguanodon turned to his friend, while his son looked at him expectedly.

"Well, what's going on, Guaro?"

"I... have something I have to tell you... friend"

Well, This is going to be interesting!
Come check out my new Youtube gaming channel, Game Biter!
---------------------
Littlefoot: "Look, Chomper. You're uncle is dead, and it's just right for your friends to be there for you. You'd be there if someone we know died, right?"

Chomper: "Well, sure I would!"

Come give my LBT TV Series fanfiction, PAST-O-RAMA, a read!
---------------------
(Runner-Up)

rhombus

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« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2014, 02:00:10 am »
I don't really have much to add that I didn't say during our Skype conversation, but I just wanted to reiterate that I greatly enjoyed this chapter.  :)  I really enjoyed the way that you depicted the conversation between Chomper and his mate.  Likewise, your elaboration on what happened after Chomper's father died was quite touching and gave good insight to the sharptooth frame of mind.  It will be quite interesting to see what becomes of Guaro in the near future.  :yes


Go ahead and check out my fanfictions, The Seven Hunters, Songs of the Hunters, and Mender's Tale.

Nahla

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« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2014, 07:15:10 pm »
Very nice.

Chomper is having a hard time,he wants to protect Littlefoot but needs to feed his family at the same time.

And it looks like Chomper now knows the truth of his sons little...friend. I doubt Mrs Sharptooth is going to approve of that..first Chomper brings Littlefoot home but won't let anyone eat him...now her son is friends with a leafeater..oh boy.


Also a little typo I noticed.


Quote
They're eyes locked

Their eyes locked

Ducky123

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« Reply #15 on: September 28, 2014, 03:30:05 pm »
I gotta agree with everything rhombus said :) Chomper and his mate seem to be arguing every day which is quite amusing to an observer :smile
Chomper's little flashback is also very nice, as is the depiction of Chomper's situation after his father's passing which is kinda like the situation he currently finds himself in. He might have to eat somebody he knows and loves...
Chomper doesn't seem to be pleased to meet his son's friend :smile

This is your best chapter so far. Keep it up! :yes
Inactive until further notice. Don't feel at home here anymore.

vonboy

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« Reply #16 on: December 12, 2014, 08:02:11 am »
This chapter is much shorter than the last, but not really a whole lot I could think to do with this scene. Um, yeah. Hope you like it. :)

----------------------------------

Rejection. Defeat. Exile. It was the afternoon now, and This had already not been a great day for Brack. He had lost in a dominance battle with with some jerk he'd rather not remember the name of. The entire herd of longnecks had seen the show, and they had watched him walking off after being ejected from the herd.

He thought things couldn't get any worse than this, and then he heard a terrible roar. He jumped to the side to see a purple sharptooth now advancing at his very location. Shit! was all he could think to himself, as he had to suddenly come up with a plan to deal with this dire threat.

Longnecks were not known for their speed, so he had to employ a different tactic. He would have to beat the sharptooth senseless until he either convinced the beast to give up, or killed it. His entire body tensed up, and he took a more defensive position. He slammed his tail into the ground, shacking the earth beneath him.

This did not disturb the predator, however. He continued advancing at him, making a stalking motion. He now knew this sharptooth was either too strong or stupid to be turned away so easily. Hoping for the latter, he awaited the first strike. The sharptooth took a small sprint towards his neck, so he turned it out of the way of his razor sharp teeth. The foul beast seemed to already know he would do this, and instead, went right after his hind leg at the very last possible moment. Brack caught this, but just barely. He felt a painful slash across his hind leg, and his tail came around to slam the monster back.

He would have taken a moment to see about his leg, but the sharptooth came back quickly, in a headbutt motion. If he had worried about his leg just then, he'd been right open for an attack. Acting quickly, he positioned himself to the side to beat the shaprtooth at his own game.

The two met, and the sharptooth was sent flying through the air a short distance, he crashed to the ground, making a rather painful sound. Brack looked over for a minute to examine his handy work. The sharptooth only glanced up at him, and groaned. It made no movement to get up. It must be injured! Now's my chance!

With new-found adrenaline, he suddenly worked himself into a sprint. He carried himself as far away form the beats as he could, as fast as he could.

A while later, the sky was beginning to turn orange. The bright circle would be setting soon, and he would have to find a safe place to sleep for the night. As he contemplated his options, he heard a deafening roar. Looking behind him, he again saw the purple monster.

He was in a mad sprint towards him, with sheer blood lust in his eyes. "WHAT THE HELL!?" he blurted out. This things STILL after me? What's wrong with it? Surely the lesson he had taught it was enough. He looks so... desperate now. That fact sent shivers down his spine. This sharptooth was now determined to kill him.

Why? he thought to himself. He had heard stories of certain sharpteeth who would keep pursuing their prey. Once they made their choice, these sharpteeth would not stop until their quarry was dead. One story he had heard in particular was of some leaf eater children who were pursued constantly by a real monster. A sharptooth that was said to be so fierce, he was simply called sharptooth. They finally had to trick and kill the beast because it would not stop pursuing them and only them.Is this one of those sharpteeth?

He swumg his tail yet again at the monster. It seemed the sharptooth had learned form his past mistakes, as he simple opened his jaws wide to catch the massive tail. The force and speed had propelled his tail straight into the jaws of death. Unbelievable pain hit the poor longneck as razor sharp teeth dug deep into the tender flesh of his tail. In his attempt to attack his pursuer, he had only forced the killers teeth even deeper than they could have normally cut.

The beast jerked back and forth a couple times, quickly working his jaws off of Brack, with a massive chunk of flesh with it. His main mode of attack was now crippled, and the blood lost was horrific. Very quickly, Brack started to feel dizzy in his immense pain. The sharptooth rammed into his side, and he fell to the ground, He tried to work himself up, but much of his strength was now gone.

It had seemed to happen so quickly, but now this was it. He was on the ground. He could barely move anymore. The monster stepped up to him, staring him down. There was nothing he could do now. No more moves he could pull. He was going to die here today.

Staring back at the beast, the beast suddenly turned around, giving a huge roar. What's this bastard doing now? Gloating? Alerting someone else? What if his old herd could hear this roar? What if they're new leader was getting word of his demise. What if this new leader was lying in his nest, surrounded by countless females, laughing away, knowing there was now no one else to rival him? He suddenly yelled out, in a final rage at his executioner.

"Goddammit, you monster! Stop gloating over you're win! Just end this now, you bastard!"

The foul beast hung his head low. He was obviously distressed at something. Did he get a reply he didn't like? Was he feeling guilt for me? Who even knew what the hell this monster was thinking anymore! The sharptooth finally turned it's head back at him. with a sad face, the predator bent down to make the final blow.

He felt a loud crack, and then, he felt nothing.
Come check out my new Youtube gaming channel, Game Biter!
---------------------
Littlefoot: "Look, Chomper. You're uncle is dead, and it's just right for your friends to be there for you. You'd be there if someone we know died, right?"

Chomper: "Well, sure I would!"

Come give my LBT TV Series fanfiction, PAST-O-RAMA, a read!
---------------------
(Runner-Up)

rhombus

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« Reply #17 on: December 12, 2014, 05:46:07 pm »
A very nice but ominous addition.  Chomper seems to have guilt over something.  Is this because of him killing one longneck in order to protect another or is that a hint of something more significant... I suppose that is a mystery that I will have to wait to see resolved.

I am curious to see what has become of Guaro as well.  Did Chomper's son have friends for dinner?  :smile

A very nice chapter overall. :yes  The only thing that I noticed was that there are several cases where the italics codes need to be redone.


Go ahead and check out my fanfictions, The Seven Hunters, Songs of the Hunters, and Mender's Tale.

Ducky123

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« Reply #18 on: December 17, 2014, 02:19:17 am »
Interesting... ;) There's a new character but Chomper kills him. Wonder in what way this scene is related to the whole story :yes
Inactive until further notice. Don't feel at home here anymore.

vonboy

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« Reply #19 on: December 20, 2014, 06:22:12 pm »
"Ah, such a beautiful day!"

From up on a hill, he looked out at the lush landscape in front of him. A valley. Not the Great Valley, but a much more magnificent place. Many lakes littering the landscape. Cascading waterfalls, bringing more of the crystal clear w3ater into the valley. Untold magnitudes of dinosaurs in his sights, of every kind, color, and size imaginable. Not just leafeaters, but sharpteeth as well. All dealing in this beautiful place.

He took his massive feet, and took a stroll around this place, the ground shaking lightly from his immense size, his long tail stretched out, swaying back and front, to help keep him balanced.He held His long neck reached high up into the air, feeling the gentle breeze on his skin. He was heading towards one of the entrances of this place.

On his stroll, he felt a small thud on his foot.

"Sorry, Littlefoot!"

Looking down, he saw a small iguanodon, who had crashed into his massive paw. A few more children skidded to a halt behind him, looking up at him. They must be playing a game. He opened up his giant maw, to let out a small, calm voice. "It's okay, little ones. I'm Just glad that you're all having fun now!". He watched as the children ran off, still chasing the iguanodon.

It had been a few days since he himself had arrived at this place... or was it much longer? Or much shorter? The whole concept of time was lost in this land, so he really had no idea how long he had been here.

The mighty green eater had finally arrived at the entrance to this... place. He peered into the mists past this entrance, seeing a large form approaching. As it came close, it revealed itself as another longneck.

"Wh... Where am I?"

This new arrival was quite confused, just like he was when he came to this place. Confused, and initially scared, even though there was no longer a reason to be scared. What had happened had already happened. Nothing could hurt you anymore after reaching this place. He decided to greet this longneck.

"Welcome, friend! Welcome home!"

"What the hell ya yapping about? And where am I!?"

"Well, the Great Beyond, buddy!"

"Great Beyond? Dammit! Why'd that sharptooth have to kill me!? Stupid Monster!"

Such language! It was understandable, of course, but Littlefoot had to get this longneck to calm down.

"Calm down! That sharptooth can't hurt you anymore!"

"Sharptooth? I wasn't talking about the sharptooth. I'm talking about the stupid beast that kicked me out of my herd!"

"Someone kicked you out of your herd?"

"Yeah, some other longneck had been in my herd for a long time, and he challenged me after a sharptooth attack, thinking I wasn't making good decisions. Fool! Every herd loses members sometimes! We were doing just fine without you. Damn you, Shorty!"

Shorty? So shorty was okay! He hadn't heard from his adopted brother in a while, so he was beginning to grow worried about his well being. I guess if someone DID happen to him, He'd be the one yelling at me now, though. He chose not to mention any of this to the longneck in front of him, as he was still in a rage, which he had stopped paying attention to at this point. When the new arrival stopped his yelling tantrum, he questioned him again.

"You never told me your name."

"...Brack... name's Brack."

"Well, Brack. I... know you've been through a whole lot. We all go through a lot when we goto the other side, but... well... your here now. Mind as well be proud of what you did do. You've run your race!"

"...Yes... maybe you're right."

He was happy to see this poor soul finally coming to terms with everything. As Brack walked past him, other dinosaurs, who had gathered there during the conversation, cheered him on. From behind this crowd, Littlefoot could see his another longneck walking over to him. This one he recognized.

"Mother! Good to see you again!"

"Yes, Littlefoot! My dear, sweet Littlefoot!"

She had a soft face, full of tenderness and love. On her back, there was... nothing! No hole. No piece of flesh missing. No scar. It looked... perfect. Littlefoot stood there as her mother slowly made her way up to him, her face turning into a little more of a smirk.

"OH, Littlefoot! What a little foot you have there! Why, it's smaller than my toe!" His mother said in a teasing tone, as she brought her front foot up again his front foot, which was really the same size.

"MOM!"

He knew where she was getting at, though. She only ever knew him as her little one. She was killed by Sharptooth when he was still very young, so she never had a chance to see his grow up. She never got to see what all he accomplished.

"Littlefoot, I'm so proud of you!"

"Mom!"

Normally, you would expect some teasing, and laughing from this. Instead, Littlefoot heard some more cheering and praises from the crowd around him. He looked around the crowd again, and saw some familiar faces. His grandparents, long-passed from sheer old age. Topsy, doomed by the same fate. Ruby, who was brought down by something much more tragic. That same Iguanodon...

"Hmm... Littlefoot?"

He was busy reminiscing on the past, when his mother spoke again. Her voice seemed.... confused. Not scared, but bewildered. What's getting at mother? He thought to himself. He brought his gaze back to her face, to see what was the matter.

"It would appear that your time here has yet to come, son.

"Hmm? What did you say, mother?"

"I mean som... someone down there has been looking after you this whole time. You have to leave this place, son."

"What? Leave? I have to leave? Why?"

Littlefoot had no further warning, as his vision suddenly blurred. He started to hear... something. Maybe rambling? No, it was roars. Someone was roaring at him, apparently. As his vision was slowly coming back to him, he saw a purple blur form in front of him.

"Littlefoot, It's me."

---------------------

I haven't done this on this story before, but I'm gonna split Littlefoot's POV into two parts, since together, it would be so long. This here seemed like a good pausing point. I'm gonna work on the other half of it, hopefully getting it up soon, and not taking forever like I've taken in the past. The next part of this will be the last part, too, so hope you're excited to see how this whole little story concludes! :)
Come check out my new Youtube gaming channel, Game Biter!
---------------------
Littlefoot: "Look, Chomper. You're uncle is dead, and it's just right for your friends to be there for you. You'd be there if someone we know died, right?"

Chomper: "Well, sure I would!"

Come give my LBT TV Series fanfiction, PAST-O-RAMA, a read!
---------------------
(Runner-Up)