Author Topic: Shorty's Dark Past 2.0  (Read 890 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.


  • Ducky is not pleased, nope nope nope
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 7023
    • View Profile
Re: Shorty's Dark Past 2.0
« Reply #40 on: January 05, 2019, 08:05:02 pm »
okay I think I'll break my new habit and reply right away. Feeling a late night writing mood coming too :)littlefoot

Now, this is the perfect example of signs of mental turmoil. I know mostly because my nephew has a mental illness and keeps having these random screaming episodes as if he's schizophrenic or something. To me, it really does seem that Ali is on the verge of going insane unless she gathers up the courage to run away from this "miserable life" she's been trapped in. You have a great skill of expressing character emotions in situations like these, and I'm excited yet dreading what will happen in the next part of her story. She knows it will be a perilous one, but she just wants to be with those she knows will care about her, and she will do whatever it takes to start another chapter in her young life.

Short, but good chapter, and BTW, Happy New Year! :smile

Happy New Year to you as well!  :^^spike

Ah, I am glad that I was able to picture Ali believingly. I fortunately (I must say) did not have any experiences with such behavior and mental turmoil but, trying to understand the characters, I think I can get behind these a little bit (btw sorry to hear about your nephew, must be awful for them  :opetrie). Personally, if I were in Ali's position I'd go mad myself and Ali is certainly at a breaking point here. It is a little hard to understand without knowing what her daily herd life is like but including that would have been too much of a spin-off from the story so I merely explained it while doing the little worldbuilding that was required to set this scene up. :) Thanks for your review!  :)littlefoot

This was a rather quick look into Ali’s thoughts and showed very well just how difficult her situation is. I’m not sure if her mental anguish was even more profound this time around but still, you did a fine job in portraying her frustrations about her herd and her inability to be with Littlefoot. That conflict is shown quite deeply which is vital in portraying a character make decisions like these.

Yet, again, you aren’t making Ali especially likable to me in this fic.  :p “Why can’t she acknowledge my feelings?” is the kind of stuff that often makes kind of shun a character and later in the chapter, her planned journey is, as in the original fic, a complete folly. Though, it was a good idea to show her try to argue with herself about her situation as it showed how torn she is between her wishful thoughts and reality. In any case, it’ll be interesting to see just how you’ll change the next parts of Ali’s story.  :)

Thank you very much for your review as always :)

I certainly changed a lot about her mental breakdown from the old fic. The old chapter was between 700-800 words and half of it was more or less a recap of LBT 4. This chapter still wasn't too huge (slightly above 2k) but after rereading my old chapter I must say it dwindles against this in detail and logic. Certainly, it was more profound :) In the old version she just cried a little and complained. This goes much deeper I think and I hope it helped understanding Ali a little better and why she is so torn (in the old chapter she wasn't torn at all, she just decided to "buzz off" and off she ran :P She'll get an entire additional chapter after this before that happens here. Should be chapter 10.  :^^spike)

To be perfectly honest, Ali is hardly the Ali we know from the movies here. I did place her in an environment which is strikingly different from what we know of her and under the circumstances she cannot express that side of hers which we've seen in he Great Valley. Ali's herd always struck a nerve whenever I saw LBT 4 and it came across to me as strange and simply a herd I would not like to be part of. It must be how I got the idea in the first place many years ago... Ali was happy in the Valley, she had a playmate (who knows if she had anyone to play with in her herd, she certainly doesn't in SDP), she had fun, she was free. None of that applies to her in this chapter. She is alone, bored, contained by the strict rules of the herd and her mother who follows them. It's almost like she's a prisoner and she's desperately trying to escape. That is just how I see her as the author here, I'm not sure how much of that is showing through the words I write but anyway excuse this wall of text :P

Out of curiosity, what is wrong with the statement you quoted? What else could I have done? It's a bit cliche perhaps but I wouldn't know how else to express her utter frustration at the situation.  :thinking

Yes, her journey is going to be quite a folly although I can tell you it'll go a bit different and make a little more sense this time :P Also, this folly is absolutely necessary to get her to that place or would you have done it differently? Her herd is hardly coming along and do you think her mother would listen if she asked? Personally, I doubt but please do share your thoughts, Sovereign :yes

Though this chapter was a bit on the short side it did present us with a good inner view of Ali's thought process and inner turmoil.  We get to see how the small taste of relative freedom and happiness in the valley has put her herd life into a very unflattering light.  With this being combined with a lack of companionship from many kids her age, hormones, and what looks like a budding mental breakdown, it really puts her motivations into perspective and into a much more sympathetic light than what we were presented with in the previous incarnation of this tale.  Though in this case her youthful and hopeful dreams have overpowered her logical mind, we do see that she is thinking about things with some sense of rationality as shown by her stocking up on food for the long journey ahead.  I eagerly look forward to what the coming confrontation will lead to, and how Ali's journey will proceed.  :yes

Thank you very much, rhombus :)

As I already said before, making sure to emphasize her inner turmoil was my primary goal and it's what the previous adaption lacked so terribly :P And yes good point hormones might very well play a small role here too although the Time of Great Growing is still but a mysterious phenomenon to the main characters of this story :P

Although I did make sure to show that she isn't chasing her dreams blindly and without questioning, her mind could not give in to the opportunity. Under normal circumstances, she may have been able to resist (I'm guessing this hasn't been the first time Ali has been pondering about how to escape her poor life) but with the strain of the instincts the sleepstories have bestowed upon all longnecks, she is unable to resist the adventure :P

There'll be a new chapter of the novellization tomorrow btw :)
Note to self: finally create that signature lazy bum! :P


  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 1533
    • View Profile
Re: Shorty's Dark Past 2.0
« Reply #41 on: January 06, 2019, 10:34:11 am »
Out of curiosity, what is wrong with the statement you quoted? What else could I have done? It's a bit cliche perhaps but I wouldn't know how else to express her utter frustration at the situation.  :thinking

The line itself was fine, it's just that I seldom like characters that make such a fuss about themselves in certain kinds of situations. The wording did its job, it's just my preferences regarding certain character types. As for the other question, nope, I don't think that either but it's just that I feel she personally demonizes the Old One and her mother a bit too much within her mind, even after your comparison between her time in the Valley and in her herd. In any case, none of this makes me like the fic any less, only certain elements within Ali's character in it so no worries. :^^spike


  • ^ This owl wishes on the Stone of Cold Fire that his sleep schedule isn't so awful
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 206
  • So, question: can I read, or can I not read? Hm...
    • View Profile
Re: Shorty's Dark Past 2.0
« Reply #42 on: January 10, 2019, 12:12:59 pm »
Forgive me for snickering, but that "talk to own reflection in body of water" was so Disney-esque I laughed.

In all seriousness, mirror-Ali (and Littlefoot) is basically her inner rebellious consciousnesses telling her to rebel in a angel-and-devil-on-shoulder scenario. In by the end, it's pretty clear which side won out. :P
A quaint creature who soars when the Night Circle is highest in the dark sky, messing up his circadian rhythm in the process. Truly, a tragic flyer.

In terms of LBT, love to write stories! :)
Current Fics: Waves Crashing Upon the Sky, Five Stages of Grief, Scrambled Eggs, and Our Safe Haven.

What is a signature? A miserable pile of secrets! Enough talk... scroll down already!


  • Ducky is not pleased, nope nope nope
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 7023
    • View Profile
Re: Shorty's Dark Past 2.0
« Reply #43 on: January 16, 2019, 12:37:22 pm »
Ah okay, thanks for clearing that up, Sovereign. Everyone is seeing characters in a different light after all. My new proofreader for example thinks I absolutely nailed Ali's character given the situation she's in but then again he may be a little biased :smile Glad it's just a minor thing which doesn't impact the way you see the story :)

Glad you liked it Owls, it was one of those spontaneous ideas which just came up suddenly and I thought "Yes, I've gotta do this!" Sometimes it backfires to rely on spontaneous ideas but I think in this case it was okay :D

New chapter either today or tomorrow :)

Note to self: finally create that signature lazy bum! :P


  • Ducky is not pleased, nope nope nope
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 7023
    • View Profile
Re: Shorty's Dark Past 2.0
« Reply #44 on: January 16, 2019, 06:06:15 pm »
Chapter 8: A new adventure awaits!

Many years later.

Bron was overlooking a lush and green land, speckled with gentle hills and occasional mountains, with vegetation that was much different than further north in the land where deserts reigned, in the land where he used to live. He had found this place eventually on his search for Littlefoot and his family. It had been several months after he had decided to look after Shorty and the little ones. The children had begun to trust him and soon they weren’t the only ones who did. Their life was dangerous and Bron had to fight countless times to protect their lives as he passed through an area literally infested with sharpteeth of all kinds as well as the lives of some other longnecks he happened to come across. The scattered survivors of drought and predation quickly gathered around him and others decided to join soon.

Back when they had discovered the warm and rainy lands that stretched further than the eye could see, Bron had decided to settle down there and officially organize what had been a loose group of longnecks, merely following him out of the need for protection and guidance, both of which Bron was able to provide thanks to his combat abilities and the experience that travelling for years had taught him, into a permanent herd - with him as their indisputed leader.

These lands turned out to be very vast and evergreen. Seasons existed only in that during certain times of the year the rain was more frequent and more likely to cause flooding but neither was there a Cold Time or a hot and dry season - it was simply warm and wet all the time. They never had to worry about food and water and sharpteeth were at a significant disadvantage in such lands so they could be relatively careless, migrating through these lands at their own leasure, merging with many families and smaller herds over time which lead him to the situation as it was right now, over 200 longnecks following his gentle command, which was not even counting the numerous children.

Bron sighed. Even though his new life had been everything but terrible, the fact that he hadn’t been able to find his family never ceased to cause utmost regret and pain during his lonely hours. No matter how nice his current life was, if he had to choose between now and 10 years ago, he’d choose his old life without a second worth of thought; a life with his mate; a life with Littlefoot…

“Perhaps I should have never agreed to Papa Longneck’s idea…” he reflected as his thoughts lingered on that conversation so long ago…


It was in the middle of the night when Bron was woken up by an old longneck who looked like he had aged a lot in recent months. The ongoing drought was paying their everyone’s tributes but specially from his parents in law whose bones had had to carry their bodies for much longer than his young and strong body did.

“Is it my turn for night duty?” Bron wondered sleepily as his heavy body raised.

“Yes, it is indeed, Bron, but before I join Grandma in her sleep, could I speak to you for a moment?”

“Sure, what’s on your mind? Anything we need to worry about?”

Grandpa Longneck didn’t reply but lead them a little distance away, away from the sleeping forms of his mate and Grandma Longneck resting underneath a single lone rotten tree in the middle of a deserted area which had likely been a lush grassland many years ago… before the drought had changed everything…

“Bron, I need to have your opinion on the idea that your mate - my daughter offered recently,” the old longneck spoke with a tired voice that came from all the stress having to survive day after day brought along.

“About those rumors that are spreading far and wide?” Bron questioned while tilting his head.

“Indeed…” Grandpa sighed deeply. “Grandma and I aren’t sure if those rumors are to be believed. Too much they sound like the voices of terrified souls such as ourselves who seek for the light in dark times like these; too much they sound like a mere rumor, a mere hope, a mere fantasy to help everyone keep moving, keep striving to survive no matter how hard these times are… because there might be this place, far far away… where there is still hope, where there is still food… I am honestly doubtful whether such a place still exists in our decaying world…”

Bron listened to his father in law intently. His great wisdom never failed to astonish him and he had helped him to finetune his combat skills over the last few years. It was this wisdom gained through many hardships in life that he was hearing most in his message. Bron could understand the appeal of such a rumor but he too had his doubts.

“I’m not sure what to make of these rumors myself, “ he answered slowly. “There is no evidence of the existence of the Great Valley that everyone is trying to find now and there has never been to my knowledge.”

“If it is such an amazing place as the legend describes it, then why has it not been known by anyone until recently?” Grandpa expanded his thoughts. "You do know how far I’ve come around in my life; how many dinosaurs I’ve had the pleasure to meet, to teach and to learn from… never in my life has anyone mentioned to me a place called “Great Valley”. I have been to more places that own a name then I can recall and yet a “Great Valley” has never been among them.”

“She is tempted to take us all there now that she’s heard about it,” Bron spoke uncomfortably.

“Yes, yes… I cannot blame her. In times like these you cling on to any good news. But one must try to keep a level head and look at a situation with rational thought.”

“Yes, I agree.” Bron looked into the distance thoughtfully, pondering.

“That being said, raising the eggs that she will have very soon in a land so poor… I’m not sure if we can raise any of them to the Time of Great Growing if things aren’t changing for the better soon…”

“So what are you suggesting, Papa Longneck?” Bron prompted. “If both staying here and going on a journey completely blind is out of option, then what should we do? We might as well go anywhere if we’re trying to find a new home…”

There was a lot of truth about Bron’s words but Grandpa Longneck had spent the whole night thinking in search of a solution that ensured their survival best… and found something.

“Bron, there is no way of knowing what is the right decision here. Famine might get worse or the rain might return, making the food grow again. But either way, going on a perilous journey to find a place we don’t even know if it exists is something you just cannot do with little hatchlings. They cannot go without food nearly as long as we can, it is a risk we must only take if there is no food left at all.” Grandpa halted for a moment, drawing a big breath in. “Therefore, I have another favor to ask of you, Bron, a favor I can only ask for. Too grave and too perilous it is to demand you to do it…”

“What is it, Papa Longneck?” Bron inquired, agitated. “Do you want me to search for it?”

“That…” the old longneck let out a long sigh,” that is precisely what I believe to be our best bet here. Bron, you are strong, much stronger than most I’ve ever known. If anyone can do it, then it is you!”

Bron looked around, unsure what to think of the request. Certainly, he was the only one of their small herd capable of shouldering such a perilous journey. It’d mean he’d be gone for many cycles of the Night Circle, if not longer; it’d mean he’d be separated from his family for a very long time… it’d mean he mightn’t even witness the hatching of their offspring… if even one of the eggs survived the perilous time of hatching, that was…

“Could you allow me some time to think it through? I’d love to do it but… it is not an easy decision and-and a great responsibility!”

“We cannot blame you if you fail to find it for we know not if it exists at all!” Grandpa spoke soothingly. “Take as much time as you need to prepare your mind and body, Bron. If your answer to that request happens to be a decline, I completely understand. I, too, preferred that you stayed here with us - we’d lack our strongest to defend against sharpteeth for a long while and that is a serious risk by all means! However, if on your journey you happen to find this rumoured paradise or a similar place where it is safe to raise the hatchlings, we would have gained a lot and I figured that, considering the current magnification of the famine, there is more to gain than there is to lose!”

“I can’t see any fault in that logic, Papa Longneck.” Bron gave a slightly sheepish smile. “Alright, I’ll do it. As soon as I’ve talked to my mate about it, I’ll be off on a great adventure!”

“I knew that I could count on you!” Grandpa gave a light chuckle, clearly a huge weight had just fallen from his chest. “Some things just never change, huh?”

“Yeah, seems like it,” Bron said, joining the chuckle of his father in law.

“Well, for now I wish you a good and quiet night, Bron,” the old longneck spoke as light-hearted as he was rarely seen these days.

“Goodnight,” Bron replied, his thoughts already in distant places, exploring deep valleys and endless caves filled with beautiful shiny stones…”


“Some things never change indeed, huh?” Bron mumbled to himself as his thoughts returned from the problems of the past to the problems of the present time. Did he do the right thing after all? He just didn’t know. Too many things could have gone very wrong without doubt either way. As it was, Bron concluded, it was probably best to be grateful that he had survived many years of solitary travel and managed to acquire a life worth living even if it wasn’t without regret.

A sudden rattle of leaves behind him alerted Bron for a moment but the suspected danger soon unveiled to be no less than Shorty emerging from the thick undergrowth which dominated much of the land. Bron gave a curt nod, inviting the boy to join him. The relationship between Shorty and him was a very healthy one although he had never formally adopted him as one of his own which made things complicated occasionally, part of which probably had to do with the unknown whereabouts of Littlefoot. Either way, nobody had taken it upon themselves to look after the green longneck with the bumpy head so Bron had always assumed some sort of responsibility for the boy which went beyond his responsibilities as a herd leader. Of course it hadn’t quite been easy. Shorty, turned out, could be quite the troublemaker and bully but Bron found it very hard to be strict with him because of the complicated relationship between them and quite possibly because of how much he hated being lectured as a kid himself. Some things never changed after all, even after such a long time, Bron mused.

“Hey Bron, I’m bored,” Shorty declared bluntly as he halted in his movement next to the huge grown-up. Shorty had evolved to be a very fine and strong boy, boasting and pretending to be cool a lot when really he was a big goof. His antics hadn’t really been received well by the other kids in the herd (and the fact that Shorty liked to bully those weaker than him hardly helped) so Bron had to put up with the boy more often than he’d like to sometimes. Although he had just been pondering about a lot of things, having Shorty around might just be the respite that he needed right now to get his thoughts back on track, back to the matter which actually needed to be addressed.

“I can tell,” Bron chuckled, mildly amused.

“What’cha been doing up here, Bron?” Shorty inquired.” Making some important decisions, are we?”

“Sort of…” Bron hesitated. “Shorty, while you’re here, you might as well hear me out, right?”

“Yeah, sure,” the boy replied with a shrug. Bron decided to lay down so their heads would be on eye level.

“I don’t think we’ve ever spoken much about it but I’m sure that you’ve noticed it too, Shorty…”

“Noticed what?”

“The sleepstories…”

Lately, his whole herd had suddenly seen itself confronted with recurring nightmares and a highly strange and unusual feeling of restlessness and wanderlust which even Bron, perhaps the most passionate adventurer there was,  couldn’t explain.

“Oh… yeah those! They are bloody annoying!” Shorty yelled in a burst of outrage. “Every damn night they wake me up, what’s up with that?!”

Bron had to stifle a laughter at the rant Shorty was performing; after all it coincided with how he felt about them quite well.

“Ever since the recent cycle of the Night Circle concluded with its fully illuminated version, I’ve been having this same sleepstory night after night and when I wake up I feel like I need to go somewhere immediately, or otherwise I’d go mad. I thought this was simply a relict of my adventures when I was your age but it seems my lust for adventure isn’t the cause… you can affirm, right? You’ve been feeling the same, Shorty.”

“Yeah, it’s mighty weird, like something is messing with us…” the child offered, which made Bron laugh for real this time.

“Haha, well who knows?” Though his light moment didn’t last very long. “That being said, Shorty, this is a situation I need to act on as the leader of this herd. It’s not just the two of us but everyone here who suffers from the recent night terror. I thoroughly believe that it’s a message. What kind of message? No idea! But it tells us to go somewhere. There’ll be a great event, a once-in-a-lifetime event which our whole herd, maybe even all dinosaurs get to see if they go to the place where it happens.”

“Isn’t that a bit of a gamble, Bron?” Shorty argued and Bron nodded approvingly.

“Everyone I’ve talked to in recent days confessed to me that they feel the same, Shorty. I don’t think I can ignore this yearning to go into the unknown any longer than I did. I’ll call a meeting before the Great Circle goes beyond the great mountains in the west. Make sure to be there, okay?”

Shorty nodded, he didn’t have anything better to do anyway and a quick look at the sky confirmed that the meeting would be soon.

“I’ll see you around then!” Bron called before getting back to his feet and walking off the scene.


About an hour later, Bron found himself standing in midst of a crowd of longnecks as far as the eye could see. It was a pain to find a place in these lands where such meetings could be held and that being said, Bron tried to keep them to a minimum, relying on the spread of word by mouth whenever possible.

“Well, looks like we’re all gathered here!” Bron opened the meeting, raising his deep voice over the last scattered conversations that hadn’t died down when he had entered the center of the crowd in order to speak what he had to announce.

“As you all know, I hate these meetings so let’s make it brief so we can all sleep with our loved ones, alright?” This seemed to resonate well with the herd. It had always been his utmost priority to address the needs of his followers and make sure that a fair solution for everyone could be found. He didn’t make a lot of rules because there was frankly no need to. Dinosaurs followed him because he was such a fair and kind leader yet he was strong when times were rough. One could hardly find a leader better suited than someone like Bron who never asked for such a position in the first place yet he had taken it with honour and lived up to the expectations and responsibilities masterfully.

“Speaking of sleep, I’m sure I’ve talked to a lot of you already but I figured this needed to be addressed publically after all. The sleepstories.”

Just mentioning that, a ruckus broke out which took a moment to silence down. It was a fine indicator of how right Bron was to address the matter at last.

“Let’s be frank, this has been very annoying. It’s making us restless at night as well as during daylight and it has disturbed our sleep and peace! It is not in my realm of power to stop sleepstories from occurring but I believe that quite a few of us already know what they are trying to tell us. I thoroughly believe that they’re trying to guide us. We all feel it if we listen to this feeling, if we dedicate ourselves to it. I can feel a rough direction; I feel that we should follow it and go on an adventure!” Bron took a short break in order for the dramatic effect of his speech to fully reach everyone. “I’ve thought a lot about the meaning of these sleepstories and what I keep thinking is that something great is going to happen. Far, far away, who knows where. Something that happens only once… something special. Maybe it has to do with the Night Circle who keeps appearing to me and many others in their sleepstories but, really, we will only truly know if we go on a journey!”

“Here comes the tedious part…” Bron mused as the meeting moved into the next stage… voting.

“Alright, it’s that time! Those who would like to follow their instincts to go on a great adventure may rest their legs for a moment, those who would rather stay here please make sure your long necks are being seen!”

The herd didn’t take long to perform the vote and it was strikingly obvious. Hardly a minute had passed and everyone but a handful of longnecks was crouching down on the floor. It was decided.

“I shall take on the challenge as your leader to get you all there well fed and in one piece!” Bron announced enthusiastically, quickly meeting Shorty’s gaze who was sitting on an elevated rock - he too had voted to go on the adventure. “Well, at least in one piece, who knows what lands we’ll have to cross…”

A few dinosaurs laughed at that. When they were travelling with Bron, anything seemed possible as long as he was leading them with the confidence that they trusted him without a doubt.

“Those who voted against going, will you accept the voice of the majority?” Bron asked for fairness sake but he already knew that the herd was acting as one unit, as one big family who was helping each other wherever possible. No objections were being made, many seemed excited and happy about the coming drastic change in their rather dull everyday lives.

“Alright everyone, now that this is settled it’s time to rest with our loved ones and feed ourselves as much food as we can, while we can. In two days at dawn, we’ll be leaving the Land of Many Skywater for a destination unknown. I’m thrilled to find out where the journey is going to take us! Well, goodnight!”

With that, Bron closed the meeting which had gone just as smooth and quick as he’d hoped it would. A childlike surge of excitement overcame him - they’d really go on a big adventure, the whole herd. A dream of his childhood finally coming true! Some things never changed after all…


Soon, Bron found himself back on that hill where he’d talked to Shorty earlier.

“Are you excited, Shorty?”

“You bet!” the boy answered immediately. “I bet it’ll be cool, nothing like the journey back then…”

“Count on it,” Bron said with a smile, giving Shorty a rare nuzzle which the boy endured with a bit of embarrassment. “How about we sleep up here tonight?”

“I don’t mind it, if it happens to rain tonight we can still run for the forest,” Shorty deduced, shrugging. There was always a possibility that it rained - at any time of the day. Though that night they would remain dry.

“Sounds like a plan!” Bron agreed, both sounding and looking like children about to explore an unknown cavern. And in a way it wasn’t much different than that, was it?

“Night Shorty!”


They were asleep before they knew it, it had been a rather eventful day after all and also a certain event had made sure that they hadn’t been getting a good night rest for a while.

That night, both Shorty and Bron slept with a smile on their faces, that was until the sleepstories came to pay them a visit of course but both of them knew that they’d be getting closer to the core of these soon… when their great adventure would finally commence!


So... it ended up being today after all :)

I'm really happy with how this turned out. My plan for this chapter had been very vague so I had to improvise more than usual while writing this (and the chapter in the old story wasn't of much use so I didn't rely on it at all!). I'm most happy about the flashback, I must admit. It just came to me as I introduced Bron and the new situation he found himself in and now the things revealed in this flashback actually contain a lot of information which would have done LBT 10 a good deal if it had included them! Attempting to write grandpa in very formal speech was also a lot of fun and in a way a great practice to hone my style and vocabulary  :^^spike

I'm not sure if you notice it but I have tried to distinguish Bron's leadership from that of Old One for good reasons.

So Bron's group is soon to be headed off, being the second party now to make the decision of embarking on a big adventure. The pieces are slowly coming together, yep yep yep :)

Please tell me what you think about the new developments and about this chapter!  ;)

PS: The next upload will be my december prompt and let me tell you one thing:
Spoiler: ShowHide
It'll be set in this universe and possibly end up being a chapter in this story one day, far far in the future  :Mo
Note to self: finally create that signature lazy bum! :P


  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 1533
    • View Profile
Re: Shorty's Dark Past 2.0
« Reply #45 on: January 17, 2019, 03:05:03 pm »
Now this was a rather interesting chapter. We saw here certain scenes that really deepened Bron and Shorty’s backgrounds. I especially liked the flashback as we have seldom seen any scenes of Bron’s old life. His conversation with Grandpa was nicely written and it was a really good way to show how deeply he regrets the choices he made in those days. Also, his talk with Shorty and the beginning of his herd’s journey to the crater is one that showed just what kind of relationship they had had prior to the Bron’s reunion with his real son.

However, the beginning of the chapter really caught my eye. :sducky You don’t start with “Many years later” in case there have been several chapters since we last saw the plotline move forward. Also, the way you told what had happened was quite closely drawn from the film but it seemed to be too simple for this fic. Still, those are minor issues and I liked your characterizations of Bron and Shorty more than Ali’s, for example. In any case, nice job with this one. :)


  • Monkey of Many Mysteries from the Fruitiest Forests
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 193
  • Proud supporter of DuckyxPetrie!
    • View Profile
Re: Shorty's Dark Past 2.0
« Reply #46 on: January 18, 2019, 10:46:55 am »
This chapter has really gotten me excited for what's to come for Bron and Shorty's herd. You've really done a great job portraying him as a very effective leader who can protect and calm his herd whenever he needs to.

The flashback was very nicely done, too. It's too bad very few have written about what drove Bron to go on that journey that ultimately cost him his family life. Your version of the journey has left a lasting impression on me, and it clearly illustrates the remorse Bron feels about letting his family down and leaving him unsure if any of them are still alive, let alone his son.

I must agree with Sovereign in pointing out that the "Many years later" was very confusing. Furthermore, a few lines later, you said that it had been several months since the previous events of Bron and Shorty's story. Still, that didn't stop this chapter from hyping up the excitement and anticipation of future events. Good chapter. :)
My fanfics:
Love is an Adventure
Waters Rise, Illness Flies
A Swim of Silence
A Swimmer's Sad Secret
A Broken Family
The Hurting of Desire

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices." -Albus Dumbledore