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Author Topic: Check this out and tell if it is interesting?  (Read 1010 times)

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F-14 Ace

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« on: December 02, 2005, 06:46:42 PM »
Land Before Time: The Great War
   In the year 2029, humans found a way to travel back in time.  They used this technology to go back in time to escape corrupted governments.  However, these corrupt governments tried to stop this.  They stole the plans for the time machine and built a duplicate of it.  While travling back in time, the refugees were disrupted and sent to 65,000,000 BC.  These humans have lived there for years without the evil dictators knowing.  However, they have been found and now, the refugees have built a military over the years in preparation for a great war to win their freedom.  Meanwhile, an astroid is about to hit Earth and wipe out both the dinosaurs and the humans unless they can stop it.  How will they stop it and how will Littlefoot and the and get caught up in all this?  Find out on December 9th, 2005 on Fanfiction.net

Malte279

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« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2005, 08:05:21 PM »
I'm sorry, but I have to admit the very title of this story idea already puts me of. I am by no means resistant against the "fascination of violence" depicted in the medias. However I loathe the concept of violence and don't think that war is an idea that ought to be imposed on the land before time, at least if it comes to the kind of warfare mankind has been conducting for thousands of years.
Do you happen to be identical with Darth Vader from the network54 land before time forum F-14 Ace?

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2005, 09:25:47 PM »
You're right, Malte279.  Bad idea.  I would like to remove this.  Is there any wat to do that?  I think I'll stick to better LBT topics from now on.  I just get carried away sometimes.

Malte279

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« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2005, 04:42:02 AM »
No, don't take my opinion too seriously. Though this is really the way I think others are likely to disagree and really like your story idea.

Petrie.

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« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2005, 10:08:17 AM »
To each their own....some like these blends of stories, and some don't.  Like Malte, I'm not one of them.  That doesn't mean its bad...just not something I'm interested in reading.

Me and Malte are sort of....originalists.  If it differs at all from the original we don't tend to like it.  But that's just us...

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2005, 08:57:14 PM »
:cry2  :( auh, you guys hurt my feelings.  I'm new here.  Just kidding!  I can take a little constructive critticizm.  PS, my spelling is attrosious.  See?  Well, anyway, I'll still post it on ff.net as soon as those jerks let me back on.  They suspended my because one of my stories was a list which isn't alloud.  However, the list was part of the story.  It was a character listing things like first this then that happened.  I was unfairly punished.

Petrie.

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« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2005, 11:23:40 AM »
Last I checked, we don't have a strong ban record here, so post away with whatever additional info you need.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2005, 09:08:42 PM »
Alright, here goes.  This story is called Land Before Time: The Great War.  Some of you may not like it but I do.  If you review, please keep in mind that I am new here and could use support so please don't fry my butt if you don't  like it.  Oh and don't worry, Littlefoot and his friends don't die or anything.  Most of the actual war takes place in the air.  Read the summery at the top of this page before you read the story.  Please note there is some mild language in the story too.  Some of you may not like that.
 Ch. 1: The Battle of Southport
      It was a dark and stormy night over the human city of Southport on the western coast of the Clotia continent.  Out in the harbor were several warships were firing on each other and at the large city.  One fleet flew a flag with a red star symbolizing communism.  The other fleet flew a flag with a blue background with a green triangle in the center.  On either side of the triangle, there was a curved line.  In the center of the shape, there was an F for freedom.  The communist ships fired towards the city.  Suddenly, five F-14 Tomcat fighter jets flew across the stormy sky.  A bolt of lightning lit the world up.  In the cockpit of the lead fighter, Joe McCain prepared for the attack run.  Rain pounded on the cockpit.  The five jets flew at low altitude weaving between skyscrapers to hide their approach.  The citizens had fled to the shelters below the city.  Joe suddenly saw a flash from an enemy ship and seconds later, the shell blasted the upper floor of an empty skyscraper.  Joe dove his F-14 strait down to avoid being showered by debris and damaging the engines.
   Joe said, “Alright everyone, report in!”
   A voice said, “Buffalo 2 reporting in!”
   Another voice said, “Buffalo 3 reporting in!”
   A female voice said, “Buffalo 4 here!”
   A cocky 5th voice said, “Buffalo 5 standing by!  Damn, who thought the war would ever reach here?”
   Joe said, “Cut the chatter, Cougar.”
   The man replied, “Oh, alright.  Lets kick their butts!”
   The five jets soared over the stormy seas.  Joe dropped the bombs his plane was carrying and sunk an enemy destroyer.  The other pilots all sunk enemy ships.  Suddenly, ten enemy Mig-29 Fulcrum fighters arrived.
   Jan Hacker, callsign Sidewinder, said, “They’re coming right at us!”
   Joe ordered, “Buffalo Squadron, attack!”
   There was a fierce dogfight above the water.  soon, only one enemy fighter remained.  It flew into the clouds.  The cocky fighter pilot known as Buffalo 5 flew after it.  He came out of a cloudbank only to fine the enemy flying strait at him.  The Mig-29 fired a missile and hit the plane.
   The pilot yelled, “I’m hit!  Eject!  Eject!  Eject!”
   Joe saw the plane crash into the water below.  Then, he saw two parachutes.
   He said, “Shw!  Max, you gave me a scare there.  I thought you were a goner.”
   A voice on the radio said, “Mission complete!  Southport has been defended and the commies are retreating!  All aircraft, RTB (return to base).  The four remaining planes flew to an aircraft carrier in the harbor.  The RFS Freedom.  RFS mean Republic of Freedom Ship.  Rain pounded on the flightdeck as the pilots went below to go through debriefing.  
   The man in the briefing room said, “You did well.  Lieutenant Max Richare bailed out of his plane but was rescued by our helicopter.  You will be transferring out of here to help with a base in this area of the continent.  It is a key strategic point and will aid us in freeing the rest of the continent.  Tomorrow night, under the cover of darkness, we will launch a covert operation to build a base in the valley.”
   The map zoomed in on a large valley a few hundred miles away from Southport.  The area was known even to the humans as the Great Valley.

Nick22

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« Reply #8 on: December 05, 2005, 09:25:16 PM »
If you want to delete the thread I can deletre it for you... Otherwise I'll let it stay...
Winner of these:


Runner up for these:



F-14 Ace

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« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2005, 10:28:31 PM »
Thats ok.  I think I'll leave it here.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2005, 06:41:22 PM »
I will post Ch. 2 soon.  Please review.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #11 on: December 07, 2005, 12:11:44 AM »
Ok, here it is. Chapter 2.
Ch-2 Bad Memories
   Littlefoot was tossing and turning in his sleep.  Suddenly, he awoke to see his grandmother standing over him.
   She asked in a soothing voice, Ć«Littlefoot, what is wrong?”
   He replied, “I had the nightmare again.  The one about mother.”
   His grandma said, “Oh, that one again?”
   Littlefoot said starting to cry, “Why do I keep having it?  I miss her so much.”
   Grandma said soothingly, “I know.  Wh all do.  Don’t worry though, she is always woth us.  Try to go back to sleep.”
   With that, she walked away.  Littlefoot looked at the bright star in the sky.  Suddenly, a low rumbling sound filled the air.  Littlefoot saw a large dark shape and five smaller shape moving across the sky at very low altitude.  They looked like huge flyers and the big one landed somewhere in the valley.  Recently, odd things had been going on.  These strange creatures had moved in and started making these huge, long strait paths.  Littlefoot decided to tell his grandparents although he was sure they would say the same thing they did about the stone of cold fire.  He ran to find that his grandparents were already awake and talking to Mr. Threehorn.
   Littlefoot asked, “I just saw...”
   Grandpa interrupted, “I know, Littlefoot.  We saw it too.  Very strange.”
   Mr. Threehorn said, “I think it is probably those weird creatures that have come here.  They were doing something earlier tonight. That thing that landed is some contraption used to move things.  Those creatures are doing something at those paths they made.  That is where that monstrosity landed.”
   Just then, there was another rumbling sound and another huge thing landed in the valley.  The group went to see what was going on.  As they peered from the forest, they all saw one of the large flying things, a C-5 Galaxy transport plane to be exact being unloaded with supplies to construct an airbase.  Suddenly, another C-5 anded on the runway and began unloading supplies.
   Littlefoot asked, “What do you think is going on?”
   Grandpa said, “I don’t know but we should talk to the others to decide what to do.”
   To be continued.
how is it so far?

Petrie.

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« Reply #12 on: December 07, 2005, 11:03:37 AM »
Review (Ch 1 + 2)

I'm lost....very lost.  So, we have these humans battling in some Star Wars-ish type of world and they live on the same planet that the Great Valley is situated on at the exact same time?  So there's some kind of time travel here considering humans and dinosaurs don't co-exist?

In that first chapter, what you really should do is lay out the story....explain how it came to be that humans have been able to live alongside these dinosaurs.  I guess if we're in a Star Wars type of story, just about anything is possible anyway.  Since you've just entered into this huge battle scene and then say that just a few hundred miles away is the Great Valley, you're really leaving a ton of questions unanswered.

Thus far, its not bad, but it certainly needs revision to make any sense.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #13 on: December 10, 2005, 09:44:11 PM »
I have posted Ch.1 on FF.net finally.  Thit totally sucks!  We are having to reformat my pc so I had to retype everything!  I even lost my flight simulator!  WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! :(  :(  :(  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2  :cry2

Petrie.

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« Reply #14 on: December 10, 2005, 10:53:04 PM »
Did you make any changes in the process?  I wouldn't be surprised if other readers are as confused as I was.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #15 on: December 11, 2005, 01:10:22 PM »
Well, that stuff will be added in later.  I will explain everything later.