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Author Topic: Fanfics other than LBT  (Read 719 times)

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F-14 Ace

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« on: January 31, 2006, 12:11:03 am »
I was wondering if we are allowed to use this part of the forum to post fics not related to LBT.  I would like to provide information on the characters rather than post the whole story here.  Is it alright if I do it here?

Petrie.

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« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2006, 12:12:57 pm »
Be my guest.  :)

Malte279

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« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2006, 01:58:33 pm »
...said Hyp knocking Nod over the edge of the cliff  :lol:

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2006, 11:29:50 pm »
:lol  :DD  :lol: That was funny!
Anyway, first, I will talk about Bounty Hunter.  I have another one called The Arctic War but I dought anyone wants to hear me ramble on about that one.  Anyway, Bounty Hunter takes place in the Star Wasr universe.  The guy's name is Paito Grimm.  He is a bounty hunter from Alderaan.  After the planet wad destroyed (by the DeathStar in the origional movie) Grimm joined the rebels.  He fought on planets like the frozen world of Rhen Ver, Raptoria, Beauta, and the ice planet Hoth.  He also fought on Endor.  SOme of the planets like Beauta and Raptoria are ones that I made up along with the character.  Here is an interesting fact: The planet or Raptoria, located in the Outer Rim territorries, is inhabited by raptor-like creatures called Raptorians.  They are peaceful and one is Paito's best friend.  His name is Jack and he owns Raptoria Station, an old space station in orbit around the planet.  Paito lives on this station.  While they may be described as ratpor-like, I imagined them looking more like rainbow faces.  The Raptorians are peaceful and detest voilence.  It wans't until the Empire took control of the planet and brutely murdered the royal family that the the Raptorians began to fight back.  Anyway, Jack helps Paito find bounties  often.  While he never participated in the hunt himsely, he is an expert hacker, hacking into a bad guy's computer to track them down.  If this is at all intresting, please let me knoe and I'll continue.

Petrie.

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« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2006, 11:55:57 pm »
While Star Wars isn't a particular favorite of mine, I wouldn't mind critiquing your story.  I will say now, that I offer both positive AND negative criticism.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #5 on: February 01, 2006, 12:15:32 am »
Sure thing!  Just as long as the criticism isn't hurtful.   I don't mind constructive criticism at all.  If anyone wants to read the story, here is a link directly to it.
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2703189/1/ :yes

Malte279

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« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2006, 04:54:06 am »
Having drawn my semi-medieval version of Paito, I might read it too when I have more time (right now I have real bunches of university work to do.
By the way F-14, somebody in the network54 land before time forum apparently means to talk to you. At least he posted a message asking if you know about the forum. Maybe you want to respond.
www.network54.com/Forum/26773

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #7 on: February 01, 2006, 08:25:41 am »
Hmm, I don't recall that I know anyone from the other forum toher than you guys.  Who could it be?  The link didn't work.

Petrie.

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« Reply #8 on: February 01, 2006, 08:59:15 am »
Ok, I only have time for the first chapter now.

1.)  Impressive use of adjectives to describe the place, who Paito is, what he does for a living, how he performs the actions, etc.  If its supposed to be Star Wars based, that's just about everything I'd expect from a SW film.  One thing, I guess I didn't see and perhaps expected is a reasoning at to why Paito decided to become a bounty hunter instead of something on the lines of a soldier or Jedi for the Republic.  Just a bit of minor characterization that I felt was lacking.

2.)  This is more grammatical than anything but a lot of your paragraphs in which someone is speaking to the readers starts out with things like "Another said...."  Most books and authors will reverse that and put the speech first, followed by the action (replied, said, objected, screamed, etc.).

3.)  Another minor thing about grammar and sentence structure is that some of the sentences sound flaky.  Example:

"...I expect results from a bounty hunter like you.”

The man named Paito Grimm was a bounty hunter.

I think most readers would have known that from what the head hauncho at the correctional authority just stated.  Also, a couple of times, just by the phrases used from some of the characters like when Paito says: "You aren’t worth my time, dead or alive, punk!" that sounds like something a teenager would say, not something I'd expect from a no-nonsense seasoned bounty hunter.

Other than that, I look foward to reading the rest of it and you're free to consider any of my comments as you wish.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2006, 05:49:09 pm »
That "punk" partwas a bit of sarcasm.  Besides, in a book I am reading, Boba Fett, the toughest bounty hunter in the universe said to Jacen Solo, Han and Leia's son
Quote
Alright, you little punk, where is he hiding!
 Now if Boba Fett can say that, any bounty hunter can.  as for the other stuff, I am currently revising part of the story but it takes a while because the thing is 69 pages long.  By the way, Malte, I got in contact with the person wanting to talk to me.  Also, if anyone reads the story, please leave a review for it on FF.net if you wish.  I only have one review and the story has been there for months.  I accept  anonymous reviews.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #10 on: February 01, 2006, 06:26:45 pm »
By the way, this is kinda what a Raptorian would look like only it is a creature called a Ssi-Ruuk.  These are also in the Star Wars universe.  This guy is too ugly to be a Raptorian but this is sorta what one would look like.  The picture came from the site I always visit.  Here is a link for anyone who wants to see where I got the picture.  http://starwars.wikicities.com/wiki/Ssi-Ruuk

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2006, 06:49:05 pm »
Oh, here ia another thing.  I guess anyone else who has a story they want to share can do it here too if it is alright with the admins.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #12 on: February 01, 2006, 10:07:31 pm »
Hey everyone, please check out my new RPG game, Star Wars Quest.  Lame title but that is the best I could come up with now.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #13 on: February 03, 2006, 08:39:03 am »
I will have the next chapter of my story up soon except something is weong with the post stories page on FF.net.  I keep getting an error message and after contacting the admins three days ago, still have no responce.

Petrie.

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« Reply #14 on: February 03, 2006, 03:45:28 pm »
I'll try and get to another chapter of your story this weekend, F-14.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2006, 04:06:16 am »
FF.net sure is taking their time about fixing that problem with my account.  As soon as it is fixed, I will post the next chapter for the story.  I have also added another Star Wars RPG based on Knights of the Old Republic in Random RPG section.  Everyone is welcome to join in if they want to play.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #16 on: February 09, 2006, 07:17:49 pm »
:yes  :wave  :DD  :P:  :lol:  :D  B)  :) YES!  They FINALLY fixed my account!  I can update again!  Yipee!

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #17 on: June 24, 2006, 10:47:17 pm »
I now have the first chapter of a story up on Fictionpress.com about my animal rpg.  It took forever because I always have trouble starting off.  The first chapter is almost always the hardest to write because I have to think of how to introduce the characters and all.  Anyway, here is the link for anyone who would be intrested in reading it.  I did change some things.  Rhen will play a bigger part in the story than he did in the rpg and Buff's name has been changed to Blaze in the story.  Also, the story takes place in South Dakota and not North Dakota this time.

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2199392

Petrie.

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« Reply #18 on: June 25, 2006, 07:42:28 am »
Hmm..read your first chapter on Blaze and it seems a bit jerky...you go from one thing to the next really fast without really explaining in detail any one thing.  You start describing the summer's day and then you change course in two sentences and Rhen is in the picture.  Why not put more description into the day itself, and then perhaps how Blaze knew that his brother was approaching.

The dialogue is fine, though rather short.  One thing you did, is you've split up the importance of Rhen in Blaze's life by a comment.  The part where Rhen has been Blaze's protector ought to stay with the part where their mother died with disease and then put the line about "checking up" afterwards.  Stick with one point at a time.

Other than that, I was actually surprised how short the chapter was...I was prepared to read an essay if I had to.  :P:  Certainly not bad, but modifications can be done to make it even better.

F-14 Ace

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« Reply #19 on: June 25, 2006, 05:57:14 pm »
That is usually how I do a first chapter.  I'll get the basic idea down then go back and modify it.  The first chapter always gives me trouble.  Once I have it down, the rest usually goes smoothly from there. ;)