News:

Author Topic: Quest for the Mask of Life  (Read 9546 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

The Chronicler

  • Bionicle fan of GoF
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4973
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« on: August 28, 2010, 02:00:12 PM »
Here it is, everyone. I have now started the sequel to my first fanfic, Quest for the Energy Stones. Due to the fact that I'm now in college, updates will quite possibly be slower than my previous story. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this story as much as you did the previous one. Here it is.

-------
Quest for the Mask of Life


Prologue


For two universes, both of them very different from each other, a day that would have seemed like any other turned into one that neither would ever forget. After a very mysterious event, a group of beings from one universe, the Matoran, were suddenly sent to another universe and to the home of a group of creatures called the dinosaurs.

At first, these two groups, both of them very strange in the eyes of the other, struggled to coexist. That quickly changed when an adventurous Matoran, Takua, befriended seven young dinosaurs: Littlefoot the Longneck, Cera the Threehorn, Ducky the Swimmer, Petrie the Flyer, Spike the Spiketail, Chomper the Sharptooth, and Ruby the Fast-Runner. They showed that the two groups could peacefully coexist, and for some time it seemed it would always be true.

Their peace was short-lived, however. Soon after the Matoran had arrived, it was discovered that the greatest threat to the Matoran, Makuta, had followed them and now threatened to take control of the dinosaur universe. Takua and his dinosaur friends were determined to stop Makuta, so they set out in hopes of finding anything that could help them. They eventually found the solution to their problem: the Stones of Elemental Energy. By collecting these stones, they would be able to stop Makuta and send him back to his universe.

Takua and his dinosaur friends, along with some assistance from a few other Matoran, traveled to some of the harshest places in the dinosaur universe to find each of the seven Energy Stones. From atop the coldest peaks to deep within the hottest volcanoes, from the rough sea to the bleak desert, from atop the tallest trees to deep underground, whatever the challenges, the group of friends succeeded, despite Makuta's attempts to stop them.

Once the seven Energy Stones were found, the gang of seven young dinosaurs descended into Makuta's lair and, using those stones, successfully defeated Makuta and sent him back to the universe he came from. The celebration would not last long, as the Matoran discovered that they would soon return to their universe. Takua and his new friends were saddened that they would be separated. Ultimately, they knew it was for the best. Takua went home with the rest of the Matoran while the gang stayed in their home in the dinosaur universe. As a parting gift, Takua left behind the Energy Stones for his friends to keep.

One year after these events had passed, a day that would seem like any other would once again become one that neither universe would ever forget. Once again the Energy Stones would be used, and once again the two universes would meet each other. Only this time, a group of dinosaurs would be sent to the Matoran universe.
-------

What do you think, so far? I'll try to work on this story whenever I have the time for it, but I can assure you that this is something I really enjoy working on and I hope it turns out great. Read and review, as always.

"I have a right to collect anything I want. It's just junk anyway."
- Berix

My first fanfiction: Quest for the Energy Stones
My unfinished and canceled second fanfiction: Quest for the Mask of Life
My currently ongoing fanfiction series: LEGO Equestria Girls


Pangaea

  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4433
  • Philosopher of Deep Time
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2010, 02:51:20 AM »
Looks good so far. :yes A nice, brief but explanatory summary of the first story that sets up the new one without giving anything away except that the gang will be traveling to the Matoran universe.

I did notice a couple of potential errors:

Quote
Soon after the Matoran had arrived, * the greatest threat to their peace, Makuta, had followed the Matoran and now threatened to take control of the dinosaur universe.
For this sentence to make grammatical sense, you could do either one of the following:
ï Insert something like "it was learned that" or "it was discovered that" at the asterisk (*), and change "the Matoran" to "them".
ï Remove the text preceding the asterisk, and change "their" to "the Matoran's" or "the Matoran and their"

Also, the following two lines are so similar that they feel repetitive:
Quote
For two universes, both of them very different from each other, a day that would have seemed like any other turned into one that neither would ever forget.
Quote
One year after these events had passed, a day that would seem like any other would once again become one that neither universe would ever forget.
Perhaps you could mix things up a bit by changing "a day that would (have) seem(ed) like any other" to "a day that was at first ordinary", "a day that started off ordinary", or "a day that at first seemed normal" (though admittedly, none of these sound quite as good as what you already have).

Also, maybe you could change "would have seemed" to "at first seemed" or "started out" or "began" (This may also be more grammatically correct given the tense of the sentence).

By the way, are you going to be posting these installments on FF.net at the same times you post them on the GOF, or are you going to be waiting for my reviews first before you post them on FF.net?



Pronounced "pan-JEE-uh". Spelled with three A's. Represented by a Lystrosaurus.

Caustizer

  • Ducky
  • *
  • Posts: 1484
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2010, 02:44:13 PM »
I know it can be frustrating to put a lot of work into fanfiction stories only to have very few people actually review them, so I think I'll take a more direct role in reviewing this next installment.

Storywise the summary is well-written and coherant. Even for one such as me who has never been interested in Bionicle it appears easy to follow.

Caustizer

The Chronicler

  • Bionicle fan of GoF
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4973
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2010, 12:00:34 PM »
Thanks for replying, Caustizer. Pangaea, I will be waiting until after your reviews to post each chapter on fanfiction.net, but I'm not going to do that with these first chapters immediately. I was thinking of waiting one more month before I start uploading there. Regardless, I decided to edit the prologue yesterday based on your comments. Also, I've just finished the next chapter.

-------
Chapter 1
Another Mysterious Event


It was early in the afternoon in the Great Valley. Littlefoot and his friends had already finished their lunch and were now playing toss-the-seed. Littlefoot, Petrie, Chomper, and Ruby were on one team, while Cera, Ducky, and Spike were on the other. Despite Chomper and Petrie making frequent mistakes, the score was fairly even at first. Then Ruby came up with a strategy that involved passing the seed back and forth over a long distance. Working with Littlefoot, she managed to quickly score a lot of goals. By the end of the game, Ruby's team had won with twice as many goals as Cera's team.

“Yay! We won!” exclaimed Chomper, jumping around in excitement.

“That was a great strategy, Ruby,” said Littlefoot.

“Thank you, Littlefoot,” replied Ruby.

“I can't believe we lost!” exclaimed Cera in disappointment.

“It is okay, Cera,” assured Ducky. “You can not always win every game. No, no, no.”

“If only Takua was still here. He could have been on our team and helped us win.”

Ducky sighed at the mention of Takua's name. “I do miss Takua a lot. I do, I do.”

“Me miss him too,” added Petrie.

Spike nodded in agreement.

“I'm sure that Takua misses us as much as we miss him,” said Ruby.

“Yeah, I really miss him a lot,” said Littlefoot, sadly. He had felt closer to Takua than any of his friends did for a number of reasons. Littlefoot then started walking away.

“Where are you going?” asked Cera.

“I'm going to the Energy Stone Rock,” replied Littlefoot. “I always like to go there whenever I think about Takua and the Matoran.”

“Then we'll go with you,” said Ruby. “After all, we're your friends, and friends should always stick together because that's what friends are for.”

“Thanks guys.” Littlefoot and his friends then headed to their destination.

The Energy Stone Rock was the name the gang had given to the stone carving that now held the Energy Stones. It had been nearly a year since the gang had used the Energy Stones, but the memories of those events were still fresh in their minds.

As soon as they arrived at the Energy Stone Rock, they noticed something was different. The glowing light from each of the Energy Stones had always been constant. This time, the light dimmed and brightened in a cycle that repeated itself about once every second. The gang was very confused. They had no idea if this meant anything for them.

“What's happening to the Energy Stones?” asked Chomper.

“I don't know,” replied Littlefoot.

Curious, each of the seven friends cautiously approached the Energy Stone each of them had used. They had no idea what to expect, but they all figured that if they wanted to understand more about what was going on, they should check the Energy Stones that each of them were most familiar with.

Once everyone got close enough to get a good look at their Energy Stones, something suddenly happened. Beams of energy shot out from the Energy Stones and directly at the ones who had last used them. The intense feeling was something that none of the gang had ever felt before. They could do nothing but scream as they felt the elemental energies from within the stones surge into their bodies. It lasted only a few seconds but when it was over, the seven friends all lay unconscious, overwhelmed by the intense energies.

None of them had any idea what had just happened to them, or where they were about to go.
-------

Read and review, as always. Just a reminder, there will be many chapters in this fanfic which have events taken from many of the Bionicle books I have, but I promise to try to fit in as much original material as I can. I'll make sure to let you know which chapters have less original material than others.

Pangaea

  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4433
  • Philosopher of Deep Time
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2010, 01:06:47 AM »
I hope my memory improves by the time you’re into the cycle of posting chapters on the GOF and FF.net, because it seems I keep forgetting everything these days. :rolleyes

I was surprised by how short this first chapter was. I was expecting that there would be more of a buildup to the gang’s departure to the Matoran universe. Not that it’s a bad thing that there isn’t; like the first story, this one wastes no time in transporting its characters to the other universe. You also do a good job of giving all of the characters lines in this chapter, and the description of how the Energy Stones (presumably) start transporting the gang is quite well done.

It feels like there’s a bit of an absence of detail in the first paragraph, as you don’t describe Ruby’s strategy for winning the game. Also, Littlefoot’s line about how he misses Takua sounds like a repetition of Ducky and Petrie’s previous lines. Perhaps you could have Littlefoot simply utter a distant “yeah” of agreement, then start heading for the Energy Stone Rock.

Quote
The glowing light from each of the Energy Stones had always been constant and continuous.
”Constant” and “continuous” mean the same thing, so it’s redundant to have both.

Quote
“I'm going to the Energy Stone Rock.” replied Littlefoot.
Period should be a comma.

Quote
This time, the light dimmed and brightened in a cycle that seemed to last about once every second.
I think it’s grammatically incorrect to describe a cycle as “lasting once every second”. I’d suggest changing it to “seemed to repeat itself about once every second” or “repeated itself about once every second”.

Quote
Curious, each of the seven friends cautiously approached the Energy Stone each of them had used. They had no idea what to expect, but they all figured that if they wanted to understand more about what was going on, they should check the Energy Stone that each of them was most familiar with.
“Stone” should be plural and “was” should be “were”.

Quote
Once everyone got close enough to their Energy Stones, something suddenly happened.
“Close enough” sort of implies that the gang know that something is going to happen. I think you should word this differently, or specify what they are close enough for (Close enough to get a good look at the stones?).

Caustizer

  • Ducky
  • *
  • Posts: 1484
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2010, 02:00:57 PM »
Good chapter. A bit short, but then that makes it much easier to review.  I agree with Pangaea about the lack of detail in mentioning what Ruby's strategy was, as that is the same as saying 'Littlefoot defeated Red Claw' without going into enough detail to make it understandable.  The dialogue between characters flows pretty good, and a lot of the exchanges made are in character and coherant with events happening.

Might want to make sure you add a few more lines of prose and setting description though, so things don't seem like they are moving too fast.  :angel

Caustizer

The Chronicler

  • Bionicle fan of GoF
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4973
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2010, 08:00:11 PM »
Sorry for taking so long. Not only have I needed to focus on college work, but also this chapter is much longer than the previous ones. Hopefully, it'll be worth the wait.

-------
Chapter 2
New Matoran and a New Island


Littlefoot was the first one to awaken. As soon as he opened his eyes and saw the barren, rocky landscape, he realized that he wasn't in the Great Valley anymore. He lifted his head and looked around. He noticed that all six of his friends were still with him, but the Energy Stones were nowhere to be found.

The others soon woke up and were just as surprised as Littlefoot when they saw their new surroundings.

“Where are we?” asked Chomper.

“How should I know?” replied Cera, irritatedly.

“Whatever this place is, it doesn't look like it's a safe place,” said Ruby, noticing the volcano that appeared to dominate the landscape.

“Me hope nothing evil-bad live here,” said Petrie, very nervously.

“I hope so too, Petrie. I do, I do,” added Ducky.

Spike looked around and sighed sadly when he noticed there were absolutely no plants to be found.

“So what do we do now?” asked Littlefoot.

“I think we should try to find a better place to stay since this particular place doesn't look like a good place to stay,” suggested Ruby.

“Good idea, Ruby, but which way should we go?” asked Chomper.

Cera was about to say something when she noticed something peeking out from behind a large rock. As soon as she tried to look more closely at it, the figure quickly ducked behind the rock. There was now no doubt in her mind that someone was watching them.

“Quiet!” exclaimed Cera. “I think I saw someone behind that rock,” she added more quietly. She then slowly and silently approached the rock. She then stopped as soon as she arrived at the rock. She waited a few seconds, then ran behind the rock and pounced on the hiding figure.

“Ah! Don't hurt me!” exclaimed the stranger.

Cera finally got a better look at what the stranger was. He was bio-mechanical, had green and gray armor, and wore a green mask, the shape of which was unfamiliar to her. The stranger also held a pair of tools that resembled clawed hands. Knowing exactly what the stranger was, Cera walked away and went back to her friends. “It's just a Le-Matoran, nothing important about it,” she said, annoyingly.

“Oh, okay,” said Chomper, relived that it wasn't anything dangerous.

About a second later, everyone realized that Cera's discovery was far more important than they had first thought. “Le-Matoran!?” they all asked each other at once.

At this, the Le-Matoran decided to stop hiding behind the rock and began to run away as quickly as he could.

“Wait! Come back!” shouted Littlefoot as he began to chase the Le-Matoran. His friends quickly followed.

The terrain might have had many rocky obstacles, but the Matoran was easily able to avoid them. The gang tried to keep up with him, but it wasn't long until they lost sight of him.

“Which way did he go?” asked Ducky.

Chomper began sniffing the air. He remembered that Matoran had quite an unusual scent compared to the ones he was familiar with. This allowed him to quickly pick up the Matoran's trail. “That way!” he exclaimed, pointing to his right.

The gang then resumed their chase. However, it didn't last long when Littlefoot suddenly came to a stop. Everyone quickly noticed this and stopped running. They then walked back to him and looked in the same direction he was looking.

Hiding behind another large rock was the Le-Matoran, but he was facing away from them.

Littlefoot quietly walked up to the Matoran and said, “Uh, excuse me?”

The Le-Matoran jumped in surprise and looked back to see the strange creatures that had been chasing him were now standing right behind him.

“Relax, we're not going to hurt you,” assured Littlefoot.

“Who... who are you?” asked the nervous Le-Matoran.

“I'm Littlefoot, and these are my friends: Cera, Petrie, Ducky, Spike, Chomper, and Ruby. We're dinosaurs and we came from another universe.”

“Another universe? How do you know that?”

“We've met other Matoran before. They came to our universe not too long ago.”

“And don't bother asking us how we got here,” added Cera. “We just got here and would like an answer to that question, too.”

The Le-Matoran felt particularly nervous when Cera spoke. “Okay... how can be sure that you won't harm me?”

“We were very close friends with those Matoran I mentioned,” replied Littlefoot. “I can assure you that if you ever have any problems, we will do whatever we can to help you.”

Strangely, the Le-Matoran's expression changed from one of nervousness to one of sadness. “I don't see how you can solve our problems,” he said, quietly.

“What are you talking about?” asked Cera, who refused to believe that she and her friends couldn't solve whatever problems these Matoran might be facing.

“I better take you to my friend, Garan. He'll be able to explain everything to you.” The Le-Matoran then turned around and began walking. The gang decided to follow him.

After a few seconds, Ducky asked, “So what is your name?”

“I'm Piruk,” replied the Le-Matoran.

“What were you doing out here?” asked Chomper.

“Uh...searching for water. It's getting very scarce here on Voya Nui.”

“Voya Nui?” asked Ruby. “Is that where we are? I don't remember hearing about a place like this.”

“I'm not surprised. This island has been isolated from the rest of the Matoran universe for the last one thousand years.”

That time frame got everyone's attention. The memories of the Matoran of Mata Nui went back only that far, but the Turaga mentioned remembering much more before that time. It was also the time when Makuta began his attacks of the Matoran.

Curious, Littlefoot asked, “What happened one thousand years ago?”

“Voya Nui used to be a part of a much larger continent,” replied Piruk. “One thousand years ago, there was a massive earthquake and this island was ripped off from the continent. It's been floating in the ocean ever since.”

“Yeah right, how do you expect me to believe that?” asked Cera, rhetorically. “An earthquake big enough to rip an island off the mainland?”

“It did happen! We all saw it happen! Many lives were lost that day, including our only Turaga.”

The gang fell silent at this revelation. Not only had these Matoran seen an event that must have been truly horrific, but were also forced spend the last thousand years without any Turaga. To the gang, it was a miracle these Matoran were even still alive.

A few minutes later, the group arrived at a village.

“How many villages are there on this island?” asked Littlefoot.

“This is the only one,” replied Piruk. To the gang, this was further proof of how difficult life had been for these Matoran.

Not long after entering the village, Piruk called to a nearby Onu-Matoran, “Hey, Garan!”

The Onu-Matoran, Garan, turned around and approached the group. He had black and gray armor and wore a black mask, the shape of which was also unfamiliar to the gang. He carried a pair of tools that were also unfamiliar to them.

“I found these... creatures out in the desert,” said Piruk. “They say they just came from another universe, although they don't know how it happened. Since you're not busy today, I figured it would be best to have you explain everything to them.”

“Don't worry, Piruk,” replied Garan. “I can do that for you.”

“Thank you. Now I need to get back to work before anyone finds out I was gone.” Before the gang could question Piruk, he quickly ran off.

“Why is he in such a hurry?” asked Cera.

“I think it will make sense once I've explained everything,” replied Garan. “Now, how much did Piruk tell you guys?”

“We only know that this is the only village on this island called Voya Nui and that your only Turaga was killed when this island got ripped away from the mainland by a big earthquake a thousand years ago,” replied Littlefoot.

“That's all true. Life has been quite harsh here on Voya Nui, but we've manage to survive. However, it's changed quite a lot in the last few days, and I'm not sure if it's for better or for worse.”

“What happened?” asked Petrie.

“A few strangers arrived, calling themselves Toa.”

The gang immediately remembered hearing about the Toa who, at the time, had yet to arrive at the island of Mata Nui. However, those Toa were the only ones they had ever heard of, so they were slightly confused.

“Toa?” asked Littlefoot. “You mean Tahu, Gali, Lewa, Kopaka, Pohatu, and Onua?”

“I have never heard of those Toa before,” replied Garan, “but I do know there are many more than those six in our universe.”

“There's more than six Toa?” asked Chomper, surprised at what he just heard.

“If the Toa we heard of are not the Toa who came here, then who are the Toa who came here?” asked Ruby.

“Their names are Zaktan, Hakann, Vezok, Avak, Reidak, and Thok,” replied Garan. “Unfortunately, nobody here on Voya Nui has ever seen a Toa before, so we have no idea if they really are Toa. To be honest with you, I'm starting to doubt if they really are Toa.”

“What do you mean they might not be Toa?” asked Ducky.

“Basically, they have been changing the island to their liking with the help of the Matoran. Dalu and Kazi, two of my friends, are leading two teams of Matoran to drill holes in the side of the volcano to allow the lava to flow out. Piruk and Balta, also my friends, are overseeing teams assigned to dig vast pits to collect the lava.”

“Wait, these Toa are making you do all of this?” asked Cera.

“Yes, strange as it may sound. I'm sure you're just as confused as I am on why they're making us do these tasks. The strangest project of all is the one that my friend Velika and his team is working on. They have been put to work building a massive structure in the center of the island under the supervision of Avak. We have all been informed that, once it is complete, no Matoran will ever be allowed to enter.”

“That doesn't make any sense,” said Ruby. “Why would they have the Matoran build something that they will never be allowed to see?”

“I'm sure he doesn't know the answer to that question, either,” replied Littlefoot. “What about all of the problems you had before they arrived? Have the Toa done anything about them?”

“They have done nothing about the drought or protecting us from dangerous Rahi,” replied Garan. “They have either ignored requests or postponed dealing with them indefinitely. Although they haven't harmed us yet, they don't seem to have any patience for slow or clumsy workers. Some of them, like Zaktan, seem to want to avoid us as much as possible.”

Garan sighed and looked off into the distance in another direction. “This is not how Toa should behave,” he muttered.

“And you, of course, are an expert on that.”

Everyone jumped and turned around to see the source of that voice. The first thing the gang saw was clawed feet and long, muscular legs. They then turned their gaze up the crimson-armored figure, who clearly appeared to be a strong and lean figure. His back, neck, and upper arms were lined with spikes. Strangest of all was the face, with eyes that glowed red and a smile that reminded them of a Sharptooth's grin before it bit down on its prey.

“You have seen Toa in a crisis before,” continued the red-armored figure. “You know just how they should handle matters.”

“No, that's not what I ó” Garan quickly said, but he was grabbed by the throat and lifted into the air by the figure, much to the gang's shock and horror.

“Why don't you do your job, Matoran, and let us do ours? Hmmmm?” The red-armored figure didn't give Garan a chance to reply by gently placing him on his shoulder. None of the gang, not even Cera, dared to say anything, fearing what the figure would say or do in response.

“Now, over there, we will build the temple,” said the crimson-armored figure as he pointed towards a rocky peak. “I think that will be just about perfect.”

Littlefoot looked at the area the red-armored figure was pointing at. He saw a thick bed of flowering plants that had somehow managed to survive the hostile terrain and thrive. Although he and his friends would see this as a good sign, he feared that whatever the figure would say or do next would be anything but positive for that place.

“Of course, we will have to be rid of all that shrubbery,” said the crimson-armored figure. His eyes glowed a bright red and twin red bolts of energy shot from them and at the plant life, setting it ablaze. The gang was devastated at what they had just seen.

“Now it is ready for the temple,” announced the crimson-armored figure with satisfaction.

“A temple?” asked Garan. “A temple dedicated to what?”

“To the three things that matter most in my life. The three things I consider first before taking any action.”

Garan thought for a second. He then guessed, “Unity, duty, and destiny?” The gang quickly remembered that those were the three virtues that all Matoran lived by.

The crimson-armored figure simply laughed and said, “No, no. Me, myself, and I.” He then set Garan back down on the ground. “Now why don't you run along and get back to work?” He then glanced at Littlefoot and his friends and added, “And make sure your new pets stay out of my way. Otherwise, I'll have to deal with them myself.”

The gang stared at him nervously as he walked off. They were still speechless at what they had just seen and heard.

Garan walked back to Littlefoot and his friends. “That was Hakann, one the six Toa who had recently arrived,” he said.

The gang was shocked to hear this. “He is a... Toa?” asked Chomper.

Garan nodded.

“I can see why you are starting to doubt that he might be a Toa,” said Ruby. “I find it hard to believe that someone who looks like that, talks like that, and acts like would be a Toa, and I've heard that Toa are supposed to be heroes.”

“But he did say he was a Toa,” stated Ducky. “He did, he did.”

Spike nodded in agreement.

“I don't think he's a Toa at all,” stated Cera with determination.

“Why you think that?” asked Petrie.

“He looks like a Sharptooth!” Cera then turned to Chomper and added, “No offense.”

“None taken,” replied Chomper.

Littlefoot wasn't sure what to think of Hakann. After all, the Matoran of Voya Nui had never seen a Toa before, and neither had he or his friends. That meant that none of them could say for sure if these “Toa” really were Toa.

“Anyway, we should get you guys to a safe place,” said Garan. “Balta tells me he's seen Hakann do terrible things to Rahi on this island, and I don't want the same things happening to you.”

The gang didn't hesitate to agree with him. They followed him as he led them towards one of the highest peaks on the island.
-------

Read and review, as always. Like my previous story, I'll also show you images of each Bionicle character that appears in this story, but unlike last time, I'll show them to you as each character is introduced, so here are the ones that appeared in this chapter:
Piruk
Garan
Hakann
Also, to help Pangaea with pointing out errors and such, I'll also quote the exact text from my Bionicle books that I borrowed to use in each chapter. (If it takes up too much space, don't worry, it'll be gone once I've edited the chapter.)

Pangaea

  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4433
  • Philosopher of Deep Time
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2010, 07:20:28 AM »
My turn to apologize for not responding with a review right away. :bang

This was a pretty well done chapter, I thought. All of the lines that were borrowed from the books seemed acceptable to me (it helped that most of it was changed slightly from the original text). And the pictures of the Bionicle characters are very helpful. :yes

One thing that I thought was strange was that there was no real moment of realization among the gang that they had been transported to the Matoran universe; they only expressed surprise that they had seen a Matoran.

By the way, even though you described all of the Matoran races in detail in the last story, it might be helpful to readers if you briefly mentioned the characteristics that distinguished each race; for example, that the Le-Matoran are the typically tree-dwelling Matoran whose element is air.

I see that Petrie’s still using Tree-Speak. :lol Speaking of which, I’m assuming that Piruk doesn’t use Tree-Speak because the Le-Matoran on Voya Nui have been separated from the mainland for so long, and cohabitate with other kinds of Matoran, so a dialect that is meant to confuse enemies would only be a hindrance to communication.

I’m rather surprised that Cera was so incredulous of Piruk’s statement that an earthquake separated Voya Nui from the mainland, given the gang’s firsthand experiences with the power of earthquakes in the first, fifth, and ninth movies.

I loved the exchange following Cera’s comment that Hakann looked like a sharptooth. :lol

At this point in the story (lacking extensive knowledge of the Bionicle storyline), I find myself agreeing with Ruby and Cera that Hakann and his companions are false Toa. Hakann came across as quite scary, not to mention self-centered. And like the gang, I certainly did not appreciate his disregard for plant life. Seems to me that they’re taking advantage of the Matoran. I’m interested to find out what it is that they’re up to.

Quote
About a second later, everyone realized that Cera's discovery was far more important than they * first thought.
*Insert “had”.

Quote
He had black and gray armor and wore a black mask, the shape of which was also unfamiliar to the gang. He also carried a pair of tools that were also unfamiliar to them.
There are a total of three “also”s in these two sentences. I’d suggest removing the second one at least.

Quote
“Basically, they have been changing the island into their liking with the help of the Matoran. Dalu and Kazi, two of my friends, are leading two teams of Matoran to drill holes in the side of the volcano to allow the lava to flow out. Piruk and Balta, also my friends, are overseeing teams assigned to dig vast pits to collect the lava.”
”Into” should probably be just “to”.

Quote
Littlefoot looked at the area the red-armored figure was pointing at. He saw a thick bed of flowering plants that * somehow managed to survive the hostile terrain and thrive.
*Insert “had”.

Quote
The gang was devastated at what they just saw.
Should be “had just seen”.

Quote
“Now why don't you run along and get back to work.”
This should end in a question mark.

Quote
Littlefoot wasn't sure what to think of Hakann. After all, the Matoran of Voya Nui had never seen a Toa before, and neither had he and his friends. That meant * none of them could say for sure if these “Toa” really were Toa.
”And” should be “or”.
*Insert “that”.

Caustizer

  • Ducky
  • *
  • Posts: 1484
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2010, 11:47:58 PM »
I like all the nice touches you have put into the story to make it flow well, and be more appealing to first time readers.  Including the pictures of the characters really helps those of us with a limited sense of imagination or a lack of knowledge about Bionicle.

I didn't really know what to expect when I noted that the gang had arrived on the new island but I know that I was looking for cliches, things that didn't make sense, and character misinterpretations to put in my review but you did not let me down at all.

Having a Toa show up (or at least one that claims to be a Toa) and have him be accentric enough to completely ignore the gang was an interesting development, and I like how your dialogue flows and how concepts that are a bit fuzzy explain themselves as you go along.

It's a shame there aren't more people reading this, but unforunately the fandoms of LBT and Bionicle are a whole genre apart so one in the know about both is pretty rare on these forums. If I were writing this, I would treat that as a point of pride. :angel

Caustizer

The Chronicler

  • Bionicle fan of GoF
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4973
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2010, 06:00:18 PM »
Thanks for the reviews. It's nice to see that you like what I'm writing, despite the fact that I'm copying text from the Bionicle storyline. Here's the next chapter.

-------
Chapter 3
Are They Toa?


As Littlefoot and his friends followed Garan up the slope of a peak, Garan decided to tell them more about the “Toa” who had recently arrived. Hakann, the one they had already met, was the “Toa” of Fire, who had heat vision and carried a weapon ó which he hadn't had with him when the gang had seen him ó that could launch balls of lava. Vezok was the “Toa” of Water, who could fragment something or knock over someone by staring at them hard enough, and carried a weapon that had a harpoon on one end and a buzzsaw on the other end. Avak was the “Toa” of Stone, who was somehow capable of trapping anyone in some kind of prison that appeared out of thin air and carried a weapon that was some combination of a pickaxe and a jackhammer. Reidak was the “Toa” of Earth, who was surprisingly resistant to any kind of attack and carried a weapon that had a buzzsaw on one end and a drill on the other. Thok was the “Toa” of Ice, who was able to bring inanimate objects like rocks and plants to life and carried a weapon that had an ice peg on one end. Zaktan, the most unusual one of all, was the “Toa” of Air, who carried a three-bladed weapon and whose body appeared to be made of many tiny creatures instead of a solid mass. Despite calling themselves Toa, they seemed to not have any elemental powers. Garan explained everything he knew of about these “Toa”. If they had any other powers, he wasn't aware of them.

Eventually, the group reached the top of the peak. Garan had already explained to them that he wanted to show them the entire island before taking them to the cave they would stay at.

“You were right, Garan, right you were,” said Ruby. “You can see the whole island from up here.”

Everyone looked around at the incredible view. They could see that much of the island was a desert with mountains. Surrounding the desert was a ring of plant life, known to the Matoran as the Green Belt, and surrounding that was the icy outer coast. Further into the distance, they could see a large bay, which had a regular sandy coastline, with two long peninsulas on either side of it. At the middle of the island was the large volcano that was known as Mount Valmai.

“This is amazing!” exclaimed Ducky in awe at the view. “It is, it is!”

“Me like this place,” agreed Petrie.

Spike nodded his head in agreement.

“Hey! I think I can see the village from here!” exclaimed Chomper, pointing out a barely recognizable location within the Green Belt.

Littlefoot enjoyed the view as much as his friends did. He turned back to look at Garan. However, he could tell that something was troubling Garan. “Garan?” he asked. “What's wrong?”

“It's the Toa,” replied Garan. “The more time passes by, the more I begin to doubt them. After our recent encounter with Hakann, I fear we may need help to save us from the Toa.”

In his thoughts, Littlefoot couldn't help but agree with what Garan said. These “Toa” were powerful, but they hadn't used their powers for any good purposes so far. The best hope, it seemed, was for a team of truly heroic Toa to arrive, but what were the odds of that happening?

“Look!” exclaimed Ducky. “There is a Ga-Matoran coming up the mountain! There is, there is!”

Littlefoot snapped out of his thoughts and looked down the side of the peak with his friends. They could see a Ga-Matoran, who carried a pair of tools that were different from what Garan held, climbing up the peak towards them.

“It's Dalu,” said Garan, worriedly. “I've never seen her look so afraid, especially since she's usually a fierce fighter. That can only mean something is very wrong.”

Dalu soon reached them. “We have to talk,” she said to Garan, not even bothering to acknowledge the presence of Littlefoot and the others. “And I hope it's not already too late.”

Garan turned to the young dinosaurs and said, “We'd better get you guys to the cave as quickly as possible.” The group then began heading down the peak.
________

The group eventually reached the bottom of the peak and arrived at the cave Garan had been referring to. “Stay here,” said Garan. “You'll be safer in here than in the village. I'll go with Dalu to see what's wrong.” Garan and Dalu then ran off, deciding not to speak until they were far enough away from the cave so none of the young dinosaurs could hear them.

Back at the cave, the gang was silent for a few minutes. Ever since they had arrived here in the Matoran universe, this was their first opportunity to actually think about everything. True, they seemed to have a new friend in Garan, but that was the only positive they could see at the moment. This was not the island of Mata Nui. Voya Nui was a rather dangerous place to live, even before the “Toa” had arrived. In fact, the only similarity between the two islands was that Matoran lived on them, even if their appearances and lifestyles were very different from each other.

As the gang talked among themselves, they eventually realized that nobody back in the dinosaur universe even knew what had happened to them. They knew that their friends and families back home would, at first, assume they were away on another adventure. But once a few days had passed, it was certain they would get very worried. The gang knew that if they wanted to find a way home, if there was one, they would have to find it fast.

After nearly an hour had passed, the gang saw a small group of Matoran running towards the cave. They could see that group consisted of Garan, Dalu, Piruk, a Ta-Matoran, a Po-Matoran, and a Ko-Matoran. Garan and the Ko-Matoran were carrying something, but they had no idea what it was.

Once the group of Matoran entered the cave, Garan and the Ko-Matoran placed the item they carried on the ground. Dalu then headed for the cave entrance and said, “I'll stand outside and make sure nobody comes and tries to take that thing.”

“Be careful, Dalu,” said the Ta-Matoran.

“Don't worry, Balta. I'll be fine.”

The Ko-Matoran stared at the young dinosaurs for a few seconds. He then said, “So these are so-called ëdinosaurs’ you talked about. I guess you were right when you said that I had to see it to believe it. These beings really are completely organic.”

“Yes, Kazi,” replied Garan. “I still don't know why they came here, but they are more than willing to help us.”

“That's right,” added Littlefoot. “We may not be powerful, but we'll always help our friends, and we consider any Matoran to be our friend.”

“What that?” asked Petrie, pointing at the item on the ground.

“I saw Avak working on this thing,” replied Garan. “I figured it would be a good opportunity to find out a few things about the Toa, so I asked Velika to distract Avak while Kazi and I grabbed it and ran off.”

“Wait a minute, are you saying you stole it!?” exclaimed Cera.

Garan shrugged. “I figured the reasons for taking it were justifiable.”

Balta was inspecting the item, trying to figure out what it was. He then said, “Well, it obviously looks like it's meant to be carried, or perhaps latched onto the arm. I think I also see some kind of launching apparatus, but I don't know what it's supposed to shoot.”

“Okay, so we know what it looks like, but what is it?” asked Kazi.

“I don't think this is for building, or to help us find water,” replied Garan.

“What if they found out we took it?” asked Piruk, nervously.

“What are you so worried about?” asked Cera.

“I don't want to run into Zaktan again. He scares me.”

“Dalu is outside watching the approach to the cave,” assured Balta. “If she sees one of them coming, she will let us know.” He then turned to the Po-Matoran, Velika, and asked, “What do you think?”

“When the Kanohi dragon roars, do not look for the stone rat,” replied Velika.

The young dinosaurs looked at each other in confusion.

“I hate it when he does that,” grumbled Kazi.

“It's obvious,” said Garan. “If you hear one Rahi, don't expect a different one to appear. If the signs all point one way, then don't expect the truth to be something else.”

“Oh, that clears everything up,” said Kazi, sarcastically.

“It's not a tool, not like the kind we use. It's a weapon. The question is: What do they need it for? Who is there here to fight?”

Everyone was silent for a moment before Balta quietly said, “Us?”

“But... but they are Toa!” exclaimed Piruk.

“Are they?” asked Garan, “I'm not so sure. Not sure at all.”

“I do not know what to think. No, no, no,” said Ducky, worriedly.

“It seems that every sign we see is another sign that tells us they might not be real Toa,” commented Ruby.

“I'm telling you guys, they are not Toa!” exclaimed Cera.

“So what do we do?” asked Kazi. “We're Matoran, and a few small dinosaurs. They're  Toó whatever it is they are. Vezok bites boulders in half for fun. Hakann keeps turning Rahi into piles of ash. Reidak slipped and fell 200 bio, smashed into the ice ring headfirst, and all it did was make him irritable. I can't say I like our chances.”

Garan nodded and said, “Maybe not, but we need to know what's going on here. We need someone to get close to that stronghold they made us build. Avak and Vezok have been moving equipment in there for days. Someone has to go in there, someone they won't look twice at...”

Almost immediately, five of the Matoran turned and looked at the sixth one: Piruk. The gang also looked at him, quickly realizing what the others were suggesting.

Piruk was also quick to realize what was being suggested. “Me!?” he asked. “Uh-uh, no way, I am not doing it, no way at all!”

“But you must,” insisted Garan. “Believe me, if there were any other Matoran who were just as skilled as you in stealth, I would ask them instead of you.”

“I'm still not gonna do it. What you're asking me to do is nearly suicidal!”

“For a normal Matoran, yes. But I know you can do this. You must understand how much we now depend on you.”

Piruk looked down at his feet. “I don't know.”

“We need to know for sure if these Toa really are Toa,” said Littlefoot. “If what Garan thinks is true, you may be the only one who can prove it.”

“Do it for us. Please?” asked Ducky.

Piruk looked at Ducky. Try as he might, he just couldn't resist the pleading face of someone so small and young. He sighed and said, “All right, I'll do it. But I'm not gonna like it.”

“That'll do, Piruk. That'll do,” said Garan. He turned to Balta and said, “Find Dalu and tell her the meeting is over. We'll be heading back to the village.”

Balta nodded and ran off out of the cave.

“What about us?” asked Littlefoot. “What can we do?”

“I honestly don't know,” replied Garan. “I think it's best that you guys stay hidden. The other Matoran already have one group of newcomers to worry about, even though we know that you're not a threat in any way.”

“That's okay, we understand,” said Chomper.

Balta soon came running back into the cave with a very worried look on his face. “You'd all better come,” he said. “I've never seen her this bad.”

Everyone quickly followed Balta out of the cave. They soon arrived at where Dalu had been standing guard. She was down on the ground, unconscious.

“What happened to her?” asked Ruby with concern.

“She must have used her tools too many times,” replied Balta. “Every time she uses them, they drain her energy. She must have had a very good reason to go to such great lengths.”

Garan could easily guess what that reason was. “I think the Toa know about us,” he said. “Piruk, you'd better start your job immediately.”

Piruk hesitated for second, but nodded in agreement and headed for the stronghold.

Garan looked down at Dalu in concern. “We can't take her with us. Some of us will have to stay here and watch over her.”

“I volunteer,” Balta quickly said.

“I understand your concern, but I'll need you to come with me for something else.”

“I'm not sure about that.”

“Don't worry, she'll be all right here with Velika and Kazi.” Garan then turned to the young dinosaurs. “If any of you want to come with me and Balta, we won't stop you.”

“I'll go with you,” declared Cera. “If you're going to find something that will prove those guys are not Toa, then I want to see it myself.”

“I'll go, too,” said Littlefoot. He turned to the rest of his friends. “The rest of you stay here. I think it's best that only two of us go with them.”

“That is a good idea, Littlefoot. A good idea that is,” said Ruby.

Ducky, Petrie, and Spike nodded in agreement.

“Good luck, you guys,” said Chomper, waving goodbye as the two Matoran and two young dinosaurs left.

After walking a few steps, Littlefoot asked, “So where are we going?”

“We're going to where the other Matoran are digging channels for the lava,” replied Garan. “There's often one or two of the Toa overseeing progress there, so we'll have to hide somewhere up high, and I know just the place.”

“What do you expect to find there?”

“I don't know. I have a feeling they don't want us to think they're not Toa, so they might try to do something to convince the Matoran otherwise. A lot of Matoran are currently working on the lava channels, so we should start there.”

“Good enough for me,” said Cera. “As long as we can prove for sure that they're not Toa, I'll be glad I came with you.”

Littlefoot sighed and said, “You might be right, Cera, but how can we prove it to everyone else?”
-------

Read and review, as always.

Here are the images of the characters (and location) first seen in this chapter:
Voya Nui
Dalu
Balta
Kazi
Velika

Pangaea

  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4433
  • Philosopher of Deep Time
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #10 on: December 07, 2010, 07:22:35 PM »
I liked the mystery elements of this chapter, namely, what the supposed “Toa” are up to, the purpose of the weapon the Matoran stole, and what happened to Dalu. I have to say that it makes the plot more interesting compared to Quest for the Energy Stones, in which the gang had a pretty clear and straightforward idea of what they would be doing from early on. (That’s my opinion, anyway; I just like to be surprised. :p)

I noticed as I was reading the first paragraph that none of the so-called “Toa” had any powers relating to their respective elements (before it was noted in the story), which reinforced my suspicions that they were frauds.

Another thing I observed is that, in contrast to the Matoran in your last story, the Voya Nui Matoran have taken no apparent note of the fact that the gang are entirely organic creatures.

Are “bios” a real unit of measurement in the Bionicle universe?

I loved the part where Ducky convinced Piruk to agree to investigate the stronghold. Evidently even Matoran can’t resist her “begging” face. :lol

Personally, I thought that Littlefoot’s line at the end of the chapter (“For once, Cera, I think you might be right about something”) was a little uncharacteristic of him. There have been occasions when Cera has said something that Littlefoot agreed with (though he didn’t always express it vocally): their discussion of the water situation in LBT III, her log-riding idea in LBT V, her decision not to expose the tinysauruses in LBT XI, and her support of Petrie in LBT XII, to name a few notable ones. Coming from him that statement just sounds disrespectful.

Quote
Hakann, the one they had already met, was the “Toa” of Fire, who had heat vision and carried a weapon, which he didn't have with him when the gang saw him, that could launch balls of lava.
The highlighted part should probably be framed by either parentheses or em dashes (ó), rather than commas. Also “didn’t have” should be “hadn’t had” and “saw” should be “had seen”.

Quote
Avak was the “Toa” of Stone, who was somehow capable of trapping anyone in some kind of prison out of thin air
I don’t know if there is anything grammatically wrong with this sentence, but I think it would make more sense (or at least sound better) if you said “invisible prison”, “prison of thin air”, or “prison made of air”. This, of course, assumes that the prison is literally made of thin air; if it is visible, and simply appears from nowhere, you should say “appeared out of thin air” or something of the like.

Quote
They could see a Ga-Matoran, who carried a pair of tools that were different from what Garan held, climbing up the peak towards them.
I’m guessing that what this means is that Dalu has a pair of “clawed hand” tools that resemble Garan’s, but are a different style (like the different types of masks Matoran wear). The description of Garan’s tools in Chapter 1 was a rather minor detail, and I had to backtrack in order to refresh my memory. I think you should “remind” readers of what kinds of tools you’re talking about, because this part of the sentence sounds vague and confusing to readers who don’t remember the description of Garan’s tools.

Quote
Garan turned to the young dinosaurs and said, “We better get you guys to the cave as quickly as possible.”
Quote
Garan and Dalu then ran off, deciding to not speak until they were far enough away from the cave so none of the young dinosaurs could hear them.
Quote
You all better come,” he said. “I've never seen her this bad.”
Quote
“Piruk, you better start your job immediately.”
I suspect that a real grammar stickler would say that “we” should be “we’d” and “you” should be “you’d”, and that in the second quote, the highlighted words should be switched around. Personally I don’t think they matter too much (I don’t know the exact rules regarding prepositions, and it could just be assumed that Haran and Balta’s grammar isn’t perfect :p), but I thought I’d let you know anyway.

Quote
As the gang talked among themselves, they eventually realized that nobody back in the dinosaur universe even knew what *happened to them.
Insert “had”.

Quote
But after a few days pass, it was certain they would get very worried.
Should be “after a few days had passed” or “once a few days had passed”.

Quote
“I'll stand outside and make sure nobody comes and try to take that thing.”
Should be “tries”.

Quote
“Well, it obviously looks like it's meant to be carried, or perhaps latched onto the arm. I think I also see some kind of launching apparatus, but I don't see anything with which to shoot.”
I’m aware this is only borrowed text, but it confuses me. Does it mean that the weapon does not seem to have a trigger, or that there is a lack of ammunition? I think you should alter the text to make it more clear what Balta is talking about.

Quote
They're To ó whatever it is they are.
I think you should remove the spaces around the em dash (ó), so that it’s obvious at first glance that Kazi is interrupting himself, and that “To” is not a full word on its own.

Quote
Alright, I'll do it. But I'm not gonna like it.”
Quote
“Don't worry, she'll be alright here with Velika and Kazi.”
Another not-necessarily-an-error I wanted to comment on: I’ve read that “alright” is not considered a real word, and that it should always be written “all right”. It’s used so frequently, though, that I largely see it as a new word that just hasn’t been officially “accepted” yet. I personally don’t use it, but it probably doesn’t matter if you do.

Quote
They soon arrive at where Dalu had been standing guard.
Should be “arrived”.

Quote
“I'll go with you,” declared Cera. “I you're going to find something that will prove those guys are not Toa, then I want to see it myself.”
Should be “if” (still capitalized, though).

Quote
“There's often one or two of the Toa overseeing progress there, so we'll have * hide somewhere up high, and I know just the place.”
Insert “to”.

Quote
“I don't know. I have a feeling they don't want us to think they're not Toa, so they might try to do something to convince the Matoran otherwise. At lot of Matoran are currently working on the lava channels, so we should start there.”
Should be “a”.

Again, I don’t see any problems (other than the writing errors I stated above) with the borrowed text. I like that you converted some of the narrative text into dialogue, and changed other parts to incorporate the gang. Keep up the good work! :yes

P.S. Although it’s going to be at least two weeks late (:slap), you’ll still be getting a star day card from me. That’s a promise. ;)

Caustizer

  • Ducky
  • *
  • Posts: 1484
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #11 on: December 14, 2010, 12:52:54 AM »
I don't know how I feel about using text from another story with your own added in, but I suppose it does fall within the category of fan fiction since after all there are many elements which establish it as your own personal work.

The story is taking a good route with the 'evil overlords rule us, but they could be lying so we must rebel in secret' plot adding a degree of interest since the gang is more like a set of new recruits then strange foriegn guests.  As always, the characters are true to form in speech, though some words like 'powerful' and 'Matoran' sound unusual coming out of Littlefoot who usually comes up with simplier descriptions to describe complex things.  I would expect something to the effect of perhaps "Mask Friends" to describe their strange new companions.

Overall I think you are putting a good effort into making this an enjoyable story, but remember to not copy the plot literally from bionicle and invent a bit of plot-weaving of your own to keep it original.  I look forward to reading the next chapter.

Caustizer.

The Chronicler

  • Bionicle fan of GoF
  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4973
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #12 on: December 18, 2010, 05:30:17 PM »
Pangaea: I'm glad to see that you like the first few chapters of this story. Yes, a Bio is a unit of measurement in the Bionicle universe, equal to 4.5 feet. I changed it from the original text because it just didn't seem right to have them use human measurements when they already had a system of measurements of their own. Now that I've edited the recent chapter, you might want to reread it to answer a few of your questions, the rest will be answered in the next chapter.

Caustizer: I've read a lot of fanfics (not just LBT or Bionicle) where the majority is virtually an exact copy of the canon storyline, so I'm aware of what to avoid for a story like this. I can assure you that, although I'll continue with the copying of text from my Bionicle books, I'll use only what I feel is necessary for this story. Since this story is almost entirely from the gang's perspective and I'll be adding in a few small twists of my own a few times, I'll occasionally end up skipping entire chapters out of my Bionicle books, so less stuff for me to copy. As for your suggestion, it's far to late for me to use it (I began writing the previous fanfic years ago), but I might keep it in mind for something much later on in this story.

Okay, now that I finally managed to get more free time, I'm already finished the next chapter.

-------
Chapter 4
Impostors!


As Littlefoot, Cera, Garan, and Balta climbed another rocky peak, Littlefoot could tell something was troubling Balta. “Balta? Are you okay?” asked Littlefoot.

“It's Dalu,” replied Balta. “I'm just worried about her. I know that she'll be safe with Velika and the others, but I would feel better if I were there myself.”

“Don't worry. Like you said, she must have had a very good reason to use her tools enough times to make her pass out.”

“Speaking of which, what's with the tools you guys always seem to carry?” asked Cera. “The Matoran we met never had tools like those.”

“I guess we can tell you about the tools we use,” said Garan. “My tools are Pulse Bolt Generators that, when crossed, fire an energy bolt that grows stronger the farther it travels. Balta's tools are Repellers that, when crossed, can deflect the force of an opponent's attack back at them with equal force. Dalu's tools are Chargers that can increase an attribute, like speed or strength, of a target, although it takes up a lot of energy to use them. Piruk's tools are Shredder Claws that are sharp enough to rip through almost any substance. Velika's tools are Power Carvers that can cut anything, which he often uses to make various tools and inventions. Kazi's tools are Echo Forks that, when slammed together, create a sound wave powerful enough to destroy any object in its path.”

“I've never heard of tools like those before. Where did you get them?”

“I honestly don't know. We've had them for as long as we can remember.”

After climbing over a few more rocks, Garan turned back to the group and said, “This should be a good spot to watch from. We're up high enough so that no one will see us, but not too high up to prevent us from hearing what's going on down below.”

The four of them stood behind some rocks near the edge of a small cliff. They looked down and saw, at the base of the volcano, about two dozen Matoran digging the lava channels.

“How much longer are we going to have to do this?” asked one Matoran.

“Until there's no more lava left?” suggested another. “Or they think of some other silly thing for us to do?”

The Matoran laborers laughed at this comment, but it quickly died down when they heard a rumbling noise from deep within the volcano. They looked at each other in fear, knowing that they wouldn't be able to get away from the volcano in time if an eruption happened right now. Although the noise grew louder, none of the smoke and ash they had expected to see came out.

Then something very unexpected emerged from the volcano. A giant fiery being, more than five times the height of a Matoran, crawled out from within the mouth of the volcano. Its body was made of equal parts stone and lava, with the solid stone continually melting and reforming. It stood atop the volcano and looked down at the Matoran below.

“I wondered when you were going to show up, monster!”

The Matoran turned to see that Hakann had spoken those words. He and the tan-armored “Toa”, Avak, were charging up the slope, ready for battle. The creature opened its mouth and exhaled a jet of flame. Hakann took the full force of the attack, but he was able to easily shrug it off.

“Is that the best you got?” taunted Hakann. He raised his weapon and fired spheres of molten lava at the giant, melting its substance faster than it could recreate it. Angered, the giant raised its fist, intending to slam it on the Matoran.

Avak acted quickly and shoved the Matoran out of the way just before the powerful blow landed. The impact damaged the lava channels, but that didn't matter to anyone at the moment.

“You saved us,” said one Matoran in awe to Avak.

“Don't get used to it,” said Avak.

Hakann continued to charge up the volcano while firing spheres of lava at the giant. Amazingly, the giant appeared to be retreating. Avak joined his partner and used his weapon to tear large chunks of rock from the giant. Howling in pain, the monstrous giant finally withdrew back into the volcano.

The shaken Matoran slowly stood up, fearing the giant would soon come back. After a few seconds of silence, it was clear their fears were unfounded.

“Remember this day, Matoran,” shouted Hakann to the crowd of Matoran. “If it had not been for us ó the Toa of Voya Nui ó you would be nothing but ash now. We ask for no reward for our service, only your loyalty and obedience.”

Avak then whispered something to Hakann.

“In a short time, Toa Zaktan will reveal a new substance that will ease your burdens and erase your worries,” continued Hakann. “This will mark the dawn of a new day on Voya Nui. We hope and expect that you will embrace the greater opportunity we are giving you, and will turn a deaf ear to any who might want to turn you against us. Depend on us! Listen to us! Obey us! And all will be right in your little world!”

A single Matoran began to clap, then a few more. Soon, everyone in the area was cheering.

Everyone, that is, except for the two Matoran and two dinosaurs up on the nearby peek. They had seen everything that had just happened. Littlefoot and Cera had been just as terrified as the Matoran laborers when that giant emerged from within the volcano. As the battle progressed, something didn't seem right to them. That giant was easily beaten, too easily beaten. They weren't sure of what to think until Garan spoke up.

“Nothing like that ever appeared on Voya Nui before our ëguests’ came, and I've never heard of Toa demanding obedience before,” said Garan. “How about you?”

“If what you said is true, then I say it's more evidence they're not Toa,” replied Cera.

“I agree,” said Littlefoot, “but how much more evidence do we need until we can convince everyone of that?”

Balta said nothing, his thoughts still with Dalu.

“They're leaving,” said Garan, pointing at Hakann and Avak. “We should follow.”

The four of them moved over the rocky terrain as quickly as they could. Fortunately, the two “Toa” seemed to be in no hurry. The two of them stopped once they were a good distance from the volcano, unaware they were being watched from atop a nearby cliff.

“You overdid it,” said Avak.

“They needed a grand event,” said Hakann. “I gave them one.”

“Next time, tell me when you are going to make the creature slam its fist down. I almost didn't dodge in time.”

“No one told you to dive underneath it, you imbecile.”

“And if I hadn't, your ëgrand event’ would have played out for dead witnesses. The point was to keep them alive so they could spread the word about their heroes, remember?”

Hakann sighed. “Someday, I will figure out why our elemental powers only work in combination. Oh, lava spheres are alright for their place, but they are nothing compared to what I can do when with another Piraka. Think of what I can do with the power of pure flame at my command.”

As the two began heading back to the stronghold, Avak said, “I have. It keeps me up at night.”

After waiting a minute for them to leave, Garan turned to Littlefoot, Cera, and Balta and said, “It was all a sham. They manufactured a monster and then defeated it to convince us they're Toa.”

“I knew it!” exclaimed Cera. “I knew it all along!”

“Yeah, there's no denying it now,” added Littlefoot. “But if they're not Toa, what are they?”

“Did you hear what Hakann said?” said Balta. “He said that their elemental powers work only when with another Piraka. They are not Toa, they're Piraka!”

“A fitting name for them,” said Garan. “ëPiraka’ is an ancient Matoran word that means ëthief and murderer.’”

“That's the exact opposite of a Toa!” exclaimed Cera.

“We'd better get back to the cave and tell the others,” suggested Littlefoot.

Garan agreed and they quickly began heading back to the cave. “Our friends will believe us, but how do we convince the rest of the Matoran?” wondered Garan, aloud. “And more importantly ó what is this ënew substance’ they talked about?”
________

When Garan's group returned to the cave, Dalu, who was covered in a loose blanket of reeds, was still unconscious and Piruk had yet to return from his spying mission in the stronghold. They decided to to take the opportunity to tell everyone else about what they had heard.

“Well... that explains a lot,” commented Kazi.

The young dinosaurs were shocked by everything they heard. “Whoa, they not Toa-heroes at all?” asked Petrie.

“Why would they lie to us like this?” asked Ducky.

“Why are they doing all of this?” asked Chomper.

“I'm more curious about that ënew substance’ they mentioned,” said Ruby. “What is that new substance? What is that new substance for?”

Balta noticed that Velika had immediately turned his gaze towards the stolen weapon that was still on the cave floor nearby. Balta then looked at the weapon, then back to Velika, then to Ruby, then back to the weapon. He began to connect the dots and realized something. “I think Velika is on to something,” said Balta.

“But he didn't say anything,” commented Kazi.

“He didn't have to. As soon as Ruby mentioned that ënew substance’, he immediately looked at that weapon over there. I think that weapon and the substance might be connected in some way. I already pointed out that it's supposed to launch something, but we had no idea what it was.”

“So you're saying that the ënew substance’ might be what's supposed to be fired from that weapon?” asked Littlefoot.

“Exactly,” stated Balta.

“Then why would they want to fire that new substance from that weapon?” asked Ruby. “What is that new substance supposed to do?”

Everyone was snapped out of their thoughts when they heard Dalu stirring. As they looked at her in concern, they could see that her eyes were now open.

“See?” said Garan to Balta. “I told you she would be alright.”

“There is nothing funny about a Muaka at midnight,” said Velika.

“Okay, now that one made no sense at all,” said Kazi in frustration.

“He's trying to say she scared us,” said Garan. He turned back to Dalu. “And you did. Who was it?”

“Avak,” replied Dalu as she struggled to sit up. “I had to, or he would have found you.”

“How did you stop him?” asked Ducky.

“As soon as I saw him, I used my tools to increase his speed, sending him crashing into a pile of rocks. I used them again to enhance his strength, which made him destroy those rocks in frustration. I knew the risk I was taking when I used my Chargers a third time to increase his hearing to an unbearable level. I fell unconscious as soon as I did that, but I can see now that I was successful.”

“You definitely did the right thing,” assured Garan.

“You did the brave thing,” added Balta.

“Of what use is the roof against the rains if there are no walls to stem the floods?” said Velika.

“That does it,” snapped Kazi as he began to head for the cave exit. “If anyone wants me, I'll be back at the village where they don't speak in riddles.”

“Me too,” added Cera, following after Kazi. Velika was one Matoran she did not want to tolerate.

“He has a point,” said Balta, before they left the cave.

“And that would be...?” asked Kazi.

“Dalu's sacrifice means nothing if we don't stop the Piraka from doing... whatever it is they are here to do. And I, for one, don't intend to allow what she did go to waste. How about you?”

Before anyone could reply, Piruk rushed into the cave and shouted, “Garan! Everyone! It's the other Matoran!”

“What is it?” asked Garan.

Piruk was out of breath and spoke rapidly, but he managed to get the words out. “One of the Ta-Matoran, Dezalk, he's gathered them all in the middle of the village. He says it has something to do with the Toa.”

It didn't take Garan more than two seconds to come to a decision. “All right, Dalu will be safe here while the rest of us go check this out.”

“We'll all go,” said Dalu, who was now standing. “If there's going to be a fight, I'm not missing out.”

“If we're lucky, there will be a fight,” said Garan as he led everyone out of the cave. “If we're not, there will be a slaughter.”

That last word struck the young dinosaurs with fear. Although they were more than willing to help the Matoran they were with, they didn't want to imagine what they would find at the village.
-------

Read and review, as always.

Here are the images of the characters first seen in this chapter:
Avak

Pangaea

  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4433
  • Philosopher of Deep Time
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2010, 05:16:07 AM »
Wow. You finished the new chapter a lot faster than I’d expected. :wow This time I’m responding right away. :angel

I can’t say I’m surprised by the discoveries made in this chapter, though the Toa’s Piraka’s scheme of creating a volcano monster and staging a battle against it certainly made things interesting. (I’m wondering how exactly they made it.) It also occurs to me that, if they can control the monster, then it’ll make things a lot harder for the gang (I include the Matoran when I use this term) to stop whatever it is they’re doing.

One thing that made no sense to me in this chapter is that Littlefoot and Cera didn’t seem to react at all to the volcano monster. Their reactions to its emergence and the subsequent “battle” were not shown, and afterwards all they had to comment on was that Hakann’s request for obedience wasn’t Toa-like behavior. :huh: I would have expected them to be terrified of the monster, especially considering thatóbeing a giant, aggressive, fire-spitting creature made out of boulders and lavaóto them it would be like a combination of two of the greatest dangers in their world: volcanoes and sharpteeth. At the least they ought to have been shaken by the whole spectacle, and wondered what the creature was.

It looks like there’s a chance of Cera seeing eye-to-eye with at least one Matoran (Kazi). :lol I actually can’t think of any Matoran (apart from Takua) whom Cera has ever gotten along with. I’m hoping that will change. (Truthfully, I’m tired of her being apathetic or antisocial to every Matoran she meets.)

By the way, Velika’s Muaka line made no sense to me either, :P: but I liked the one about a roof not keeping out a flood. (I’m nuts about analogies. :p)

Something I’m still not clear on is what actually happened to Dalu. We know that she used her Chargers against Avak, which presumably is what weakened her to the point of unconsciousness. It would both explain things better to the reader, and help to distance the scene from the book version, if we got to hear Dalu describe what happened (If it’s never revealed in the series, this would be a good opportunity for some innovation). Also, I think Garan’s line:
Quote
“Which one was it?”
…just sounds odd, in a way I can’t entirely explain; suffice to say that to me it feels like he’s presuming too much that a Piraka was responsible for whatever happened to Dalu (even though he’s correct). “Who”-or-“what was it” would be better, in my opinion.

Did I mention before how glad I am for the images you’re posting at the end of each chapter? It’s so helpful for visualizing the characters; we all know what the LBT characters look like, but because most of us are unfamiliar with the Bionicle series, it’s hard to picture the interactions the gang are having. Having visual references for the Bionicle characters helps a ton, so thank you for that. :yes

I do have to say, you used a lot more borrowed text from this chapter than you had in previous chapters. The main difference I noticed in the part with the monster was that it was less descriptive than the original text. And most of the borrowed text for the scene in the cave was the same almost word-for-word. I think you should definitely try to change and/or add to some of this. For example, if you know more about the volcano monster’s appearance other than that it’s made of rocks and lava (is it shaped like a Matoran, or more like some kind of Rahi?), you could describe it in your own words. Also, having Dalu describe her encounter with Avak, and what exactly she used her Chargers to accomplish. (Sorry I can’t suggest anything more helpful. :oops)

Quote
“It's Dalu,” replied Balta. “I'm just worried about her. I know that she'll be safe with Velika and the others, but I would feel better if I was there myself.”
Should be “were”.

Quote
My tools are Pulse Bolt Generators that, when crossed, fire an energy bolt that grows stronger the further it travels.
Should be “farther”, referring to distance or length. (“Further” refers to time or amount.)

Quote
A giant fiery being crawled * from within the top of the volcano.
Personally, I think this sentence would sound better (in terms of grammatical correctness) if “the top of” were removed, or if you changed “top” to “mouth” or “crater”.
*Insert “out”.

Quote
It then stood atop the volcano and looked down at the Matoran below.
”Then” is probably unneeded.

Quote
And all will be right in you little world!
Should be “your”.

Quote
“You overdid *,” said Avak.
*Insert “it”.

Quote
“And more important ó what is this ënew substance’ they talked about?”
Should be “importantly”.

Quote
Woah, they not Toa-heroes at all?” asked Petrie.
I’ve usually seen this spelled “whoa”, though this may be an acceptable alternative spelling.

Caustizer

  • Ducky
  • *
  • Posts: 1484
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #14 on: December 30, 2010, 11:29:44 AM »
Okay it's time I gave my review.

I'm going to go on the asumption here that this is an original work, as it makes things a lot more complicated if I start talking about parts that were from the text you borrowed from in both a positive and negative sense (ie I don't want to review somebody else's work at the same time as your own).

I like how the plot progresses in this chapter how the 'toa' are revealed to not be the legendary heroes that they said they were, but in fact lairs and thieves.  The method they use to pull in the other Matoran to serve them is quite practical giving their lack of education (I wonder why mechanical beings would have trouble seeing through such an illusion given the powerful processors that run them - unless I am unclear on this concept).

Pangaea was right in his senitment that the Land Before Time element seems like it's merely 'jury-rigged' on as opposed to an incorporated and intense theme in the story.  LBT characters pop in at random intervals to give their opinions or make a statement, but otherwise don't seem to be contributing very much with most of the scene centered around the good Matoran (if that's what they are called, there are so many strange words and names being thrown around it's tough to keep track).  You don't have  to give them a ton of lines each, but you do have to make them feel apart of the story by having them perform an important role to the plot.  For instance, you could have had the Matoran send the gang to spy on the evil Toa, since they are far harder to spot then the robots are.  This would have provided a unique perspective on an already known event, and forwarded your skills as a writer.

Something else you can also do is to improve the descriptive quality of the story beyond what was already present in the text, to provide a clearer picture for us readers whom are less familiar with the Bionicle Universe and might have difficulty imagining how they move or why they behave the way they do. :angel

Caustizer.

LBTDiclonius

  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 2106
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #15 on: December 30, 2010, 04:04:58 PM »
Well, I guess I can review here at least. :lol  I'm honestly not a bionicle fan but I sure am a land before time fan. :D  When I saw your original story, Quest for the energy stones, on FF.net, I ignored it at first but then, with it there everytime I turned to the second page so I decided to give it a shot. Boy you didn't dissapoint me. :lol:  It turned into a great find that got me reading it for hours on end trying to find out what happened. when I finished, I wanted to read the sequal, so I went looking for it but sadly couldn't find it. When it did came out, both here on GOF and on FF.net, I practically jumped for joy. This is one of the best fanfics, and I can easily say, I have ever read.

Now onto the review! It was great, a few misshaps here and there, but don't look at me for them. I'm sure pangaea will give you all the info you need. But I agree with Pangaea on one note. When the monster came up, wouldn't Littlefoot and Cera be terrified of it? I know I would be. Well that's all for me. Get the next chapter up soon. Bye now!

Pangaea

  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4433
  • Philosopher of Deep Time
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #16 on: December 31, 2010, 10:25:47 AM »
Quote from: LBTDiclonius,Dec 30 2010 on  03:04 PM
Now onto the review! It was great, a few misshaps here and there, but don't look at me for them. I'm sure pangaea will give you all the info you need.
While I feel very complimented by your confidence in my reviewing skills, I do want to emphasize that I am not perfect and really appreciate having other people leave their own feedback on the stories and artwork I review. There are always some area of a story for which my critique falls short because I just don't perceive the aspect that could be improved. In the case of this story, I feel fortunate that Caustizer is leaving detailed reviews of his own for each chapter, which help immensely in filling in the gaps in my reviewing style. Regardless of the respect and admiration comments like yours might entail (that if the author/artist has me as a reviewer, they're all set as far as critique goes), I'd much rather not be made to feel like the reviewer authors and artists rely on for comprehensive feedback on their work. I very strongly encourage other members to share their opinions, suggestions, and general comments on stories and artwork. Honestly it makes me feel bad when people imply that I'm such a good reviewer that their own feedback doesn't matter.

LBTDiclonius

  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 2106
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #17 on: December 31, 2010, 10:28:36 PM »
Whoops!  :oops

I am SO SORRY for that last message Pangaea. I didn't know what I was typing. I do respect your opinion strongly, but I know your not perfect. Nobody is. I'm FAR from perfect. It is true, Caustizer does have very detailed review and he has a good opinion, but I also value MY OWN opinion very strongly and I think that my reviews do matter. Again I am VERY sorry for that last post there. Sorry 'bout that.

Pangaea

  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 4433
  • Philosopher of Deep Time
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #18 on: January 01, 2011, 12:56:40 AM »
^ Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to sound angry there. :oops I just have a major concern (you might even call it paranoia) that my reviews are too thorough and detailed for their own good; so much so that they discourage other members from leaving feedback of their own. I don't want to be the only reviewer on any one thread, so I just want to emphasize how important it is that other members share their opinions, too.

I'll stop here. Don't want to get too far off topic.

LBTDiclonius

  • Member+
  • *
  • Posts: 2106
    • View Profile
Quest for the Mask of Life
« Reply #19 on: January 01, 2011, 01:19:50 AM »
No worries Pangaea. :D Your a good reviewer but your right, let's get back to the topic, shall we...