The injustice of power.

[Mumbling]

Ok.. Well I am a bit unsure about this. I never published one of my stories before. I only showed them to a friend and most of the time that's it. But still I thought of something a long time ago, and now I am going to write it. Even with dinosaurs as main characters. I don't know if it is good or not, I have told Nimrod that I was going to write something earlier. Well I've started on it now. Here is the first chapter of 'The injustice of Power'.

Ch. 1
ëThe Canyon has always been protected by our Master. We’ve always obeyed him and will never turn against him. Our Master is like our father, we should listen. I won’t become a good dinosaur if I do not obey. The Canyon will….’ Tony turned his back to the young Triceratops and took a good look at his friends. They all were growing older. But Tony has always said he doesn’t want to say the oath to the master. His friends knew this, and they have got the same interpretation. They all think the master is bad. Now their friend was promising the oath to the Master. ëWhy is he doing that, I thought he was one of us, and I thought he didn’t want to grow up either. Now he is saying the oath and is becoming an adult… Why?’ asked Tony to his friends. They shook their heads, they didn’t know either. All they knew was that they should promise full loyalty to the Master once. And if they have done that, they should work every day from the time that the big circle rises until it goes down again. They don’t want this, they actually want to be young forever. If they were, they could play under the waterfall until they die, or roll down the hillside like they have always done. Or of course ran after the butterflies with their pretty colors. They don’t want to go working all day, they want to keep on playing until they are too old to play.

I've also got chapter 2 and 3 but I am going to post those later. First I will see if this gets some attention.
Some things I have to note: I didn't have any idea what kind of dinosaur Tony will be, does anyone have a good idea?
And this is just an introduction, the story hasn't really started yet. :unsure:

[Chiletrek]

Hello:
 I find it a good introduction, it gives you the first glance at the stiing of the story and a bit of what's going on. I like your style, keep it up!! .
 And about Tony, no idea really, maybe some kind of Trodoon, so he may use his hand sometimes  :^.^: .

[Clawandfang]

It's good, got interesting dystopian elements... with dinosaurs. I for one would be interested in seeing more, although I am biting back my usual comment about length, which I think I may become infamous for...heh...

[Mumbling]

Thanks for the idea Chile. I'm really bad in think of those things. =P and Claw that why i didnt post it all at once  think it is too much.

[Clawandfang]

Is this only part of Chapter one then? If so, my apologies.

[Mumbling]

This is chapter one,, I make short chapters so it is easy to read.

[Clawandfang]

Don't take anything I say offensively, it's just that I am so used having longer chapters, which probably aren't suitable for what you're doing. I might post Chapter 1 of what I'm writing and see if I get any "too long" comments...

[Mumbling]

Hehe I always make long chapters too, but I think of switching my style of writing. Just so it would be easier for the forum. And for my friend who, I think, always needed 1 hour to read one chapter of mine. Though she likes a lot to read my stories .

[Chiletrek]

Hello:
 The best hing about comments is that you may unite all of them so it can help you improve your work. I also once read that chapters may become longer as the story progress, because with smaller chapters you may interest people that will not see excessively large things, but you may increase the lenght in later chapters and new readers will not mind, they may even get more interested.
 Keep it up!

[Mumbling]

That is true indeed. Any comment or edit is welcome, because my spelling/grammar could be VERY bad. And of course I am a human so I am used to making a lot of mistakes  : Well thanks for showing interest guys, I am think of posting the second chapter in 20 hours or so  : ..

[Clawandfang]

I am think of posting the second chapter in 20 hours or so.

Looking forward to it.

[Chiletrek]

Hello:
 I look forward to read more too. Keep it up!

[Mumbling]

Hmm Chapter 2

Tony’s mother, Flora, saw her son playing with his friends. She smiled while watching them. Slowly she walked in the direction of the waterplace. She was about to drink something, when she saw a large group of dinosaurs in a big circle. They were busy arguing. She made her way through the crowd and listened what they were talking about. ëI am sorry for those of you who have no choice, I do not have one either.’ Flora said: ëI’m sorry to interrupt, but I must have missed something. What are you talking about?’ ëI will repeat it’ ,the messenger said, ëThe master has told me to let everyone know that different classes are not allowed to speak, see or do anything with each other. The master wants to divide the whole canyon in two classes, the upper and the lower class. The upper class will be living in the west, and the lower class will be living in the east. Everyone has got 10 days to move to the right place. If you don’t know where you belong you can ask me or if you want to the master.’ Flora slowly walked forward to the messenger. ëO, messenger, can you tell me in which class I and my son belong to?’ She waited as the messenger observed her. ëAre you Flora, the mother of Tony, widow and once married to Archilles?’ ëYes I am.’ she answered. He thought very hard. After a few seconds he replied: ëYou and your son belong to the upper class, don’t be afraid, it will be ok. Go, and travel to the west.’ Flora looked disappointed, probably because she was not satisfied with this new rule. ëWhat is the difference between someone from the upper and lower class?’ Flora asked. ëIt is loyalty miss, your husband gave his life while defending our master. You are part of the upper class.’ She walked back to her home while thinking about a lot of things. Once she was back she saw her son playing again, in tears she wondered how long it would last.

I'll be back in 8 hours, hope you guys have fun with reading. :unsure:
(ok it took me 12 not 20 hours to post a new one..  : )

[Clawandfang]

I'm liking this...desperate to see where the story is going.

[Kor]

Good luck with your writing.

[Chiletrek]

Hello:
 I think this is the beginning of a very great an uncommon kind of story, were social separations can cause much problems... and maybe even a revolution. But I won't say no more because I don't want to jump to conclusions.
 It is very well written and I look forward to read more  

[Mumbling]

Chapter 3

Last night Tony’s mum told him about the new rule. He was worried about his friends. He hoped they would be in the same class as he. His mother told him they would move in 3 days, and that they would go west with the upper class. When he asked why they weren’t in the lower class, she said she couldn’t tell. Tony really hoped that his friends would come with him. He didn’t sleep well that night, and waited until the big circle rose above the trees again. When it did he walked to the place where he normally met his friends. Sleepy he sat down and looked at the leaves on the ground. He was not hungry at all. He felt a bit sad. ëHey!’ Someone behind him talked to him. It was Rose, his best friend.  ëHi…’ Rose got in front of him. ëHave your parents told you about the new rule?’ asked Tony quietly. Tony looked up to Rose, directly in her eyes, she looked back. He could see in her eyes that she was tired. ëYes’, she replied, ëWe have to move to the west.’ At once Tony felt a bit happier. ëHey! Me too! That’s great!’ ëYes it is, wow!’ She went sitting next to him and happily they talked about the reasons why they went to the upper class and made plans of traveling together. They didn’t notice the twins Ryan and Bryan stood behind them. ëCan we interrupt you two or are you too busy talking?’ Tony and Rose looked startled behind them. ëO, sorry, we were talking about traveling together as we have to move our stuff to the west.’ ëWe won’t go west’, Bryan said, ëour mum told us we were moving east…’ Tory looked shocked, he liked playing with the twins. ëNo, that can’t be, please tell me you are joking.’. The twins shook their heads, ëOur mum told us we were in the lower class, because we weren’t loyal enough. But it is unfair. We have only lived here for one year. We cried all night.’, said Ryan. ëYes we did indeed…’ said Bryan. Tears started to fill Tony’s eyes. He couldn’t speak, it felt like something blocked his throat. He felt very empty inside. He saw the twins in front of him, and he and the others did too, knew they won’t be able to play with or even see them in 9 days.

Please let me know if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes.  :unsure:

Edit: is = his.. thanks ClawandFang

[Clawandfang]

Please let me know if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes.  :unsure:

Okay...
Firstly, in line one "is" should probably be "his".
Also, dialogue should run like this:

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet," said John. "Consectetuer adipiscing elit."
"Quod?" replied Steve.
"Proin varius sapien vitae risus."

Whenever someone else begins speaking, start a new line. (I don't know if that's important when posting here mind, but it's a general rule.)

I also prefer to see "three" and "nine" rather than "3" and "9" but that's mainly a personal preference.

I think that's enough to be getting on with, the plot's developing nicely by the way. Keep it up!

[Mumbling]

Thanks for the tips, corrections Claw. I am always afraid of spelling nummers incorrect, that's why I don't like it. But I do agree it will look nicer... I am not really the kind of person who starts with a new line all the time( might have noticed that..) maybe i should, but it will develop another time. :unsure:

[Clawandfang]

I am always afraid of spelling nummers incorrect...

Heh... numbers not nummers...
Joking!