Ah, that's interesting indeed, especially since I didn't have that connection in mind. XDMany of us are TSH geeks. One of those fanfics that inspired most of us to write for LBT. Take it you read it at some point? :P
Also, can I ask what you meant when you said the everyone was a little out of character? This way I can understand for future reference.It's nothing too big, primarily. Maybe it was the flower-section that threw off my perception, but on occasion the dialogue are not one-hundred percent true to form. This is something that everyone struggles with to some extent, to 100% capture that LBT dialogue (for example, Ducky rarely uses contractions unless singing, and I spied a few) without having it be too advanced or out-of-character. ;)
This certainly was an eventful read. Your style of writing certainly has potential and you already made the story flow quite well. As for the plot, the idea was rather okay for a comedy fic and while the genre isn’t my favorite, you did a few good and genuinely enjoyable scenes. Spike’s obsession with being spike as well as Littlefoot and Ali’s scenes were rather amusing.
About what Owls said, there are two examples of the "show, don’t tell" problem I’d like to point out. The very start of the fic simply stated Spike’s location without really creating any feeling around that fact. You could have emphasized his situation a bit more. The other one is Chomper’s nickname for Wild Arms. While the name wasn’t bad, the (Willy is Guido’s nickname for Wild Arms) part interrupted the flow of the story and wasn’t a smooth addition overall. You could have added that mention to one of the other sentences around that comment and that would have worked far better.
In any case, thanks for sharing this story here. It’s difficult for me to really grade the rest of the fic as it’s so far from my own comfort zone so I’d be able to offer more advice in case you make a less-comic tale one day. That being said, your writing needs some work to really shine but as I said, it isn’t that far from being really good. But decent job for a first fic. :)
It is always nice to see another member join in on the fanfiction community and absolve their inspiration for this series. For many, the first story is always the one they end up having most trouble with, but constructive feedback often is a guiding principle when it comes down to writing. Numerous authors in the forum are known for distributing helpful advice to both new writers and experienced writers. I will now discuss some things regarding your rather comedy story.
Plot: Without a doubt, this is one of the more important factors in the world of fanction, and by extension, overall writing. I am aware that this story is meant to be taken with humor rather than excessively. That being said, while the idea isn’t my usual preference, I did find a few parts that were done rather well and I would like to applaud you for that accomplishment.
Grammar: There weren’t many grammatical errors, and while that does work in your favor in the end, I do feel like that the overall quality of the writing did suffer occasionally, especially when jumping from perspective to perspective after mere short sentences. A good mnemonic is to always make good use of commas within the narrative, and if you feel uncertain at any moment, I’m sure there are people here who could help you with that particular problem. Apart from that, I didn’t notice anything that would have affected my reading experience.
Structure: So far, I have spoken about plot and grammar within the story, but there were other minor inconsistencies that affected my overall enjoyment. Every author is allowed to write stories exactly as they wish, but I must confess that I’m not particularly fond of the present tense. There are good ways to make use of this method, but you would have to ask someone else about that as I haven’t practiced with that writing procedure. Furthermore, I would advise you to take extra caution in making sure that the paragraphs don’t end up becoming too big to read, as that can even potentially discourage the reader from going onward. Fortunately, I only saw few instances where this started to become a problem, so I doubt you’ll have to invest much of your time on that issue.
Like I said, publishing your first fanfiction can be a suspenseful case for many, and you shouldn’t feel discouraged to show your work to others. Do keep in mind that feedback will not always be overly positive. I believe that negative feedback will work better as you will remember not to make those same mistakes again in the future, therefore you benefit from the situation quite a bit. But as this story is mostly a comedic one, I cannot offer more this time. However, if you found the desire to continue writing that isn’t a comedy, I would be more than happy to offer my feedback once more. Until then, thank you for sharing your story with us. :)