This has me very intrigued. I never read the original version of Shorty's Dark Past, and I only watched the tenth movie once, so I remember little about it, but this looks like a very promising start. :) I can only wonder what this premonition will bring the Longnecks to.Thanks for the review! I hope that the coming chapters will not disappoint then :)
This scene is always a great way to begin the story. You managed to replicate the scene's mysterious feeling very well and this promises that the modified parts of this fic will improve SDP's storytelling quite a bit. It'll be intriguing to see just which chapters you plan to redo but I'm sure they'll make this already-great fic even better. Anyway, nice job with this prologue. :^^spikeAh, I'm really glad that it worked as an introduction :^^spike
Now this is an excellent way to introduce a story - present just enough that the reader sees that the three main characters are connected, but leave how they come together as a mystery that has yet to be told. I don't really have much more to say at the moment, but I look forward to seeing how the narrative goes from here relative to SDP's original incarnation. :)thanks rhombus, I'm glad you liked the introduction I came up with :)
I remember reading the original on Fanfiction.net never left a review cause I’mThat's cool, well I'm glad you did at last :smile Though I think you'll still want to slap "the green off Shorty" from time to time (gee that's a pretty creative phrase anyhow :lol ) Feel free to review either here or on there. I know I used to just dump my chapters on there but I realized I actually had quite a few readers on there who really enjoyed my stuff haha.
apparently a lazy ass but I loved it even if I did want to slap the green off of Shorty at times.
Will be following this new version closely.
For some reason I'm really proud of that last paragraph :o Like... it's not a cliffhanger and all and actually sounds nice :lolNow that you bring it up, I think the part I like specifically about the last sentence is that it ends almost the way the chapter begins with the sun's description matching the situation in a sort of pathetic fallacy style. The first paragraph opens with the sun reflecting the harsh nature of the landscape and ends with the sun rising and greeting them with a sorta feeling of hope.
Before I move on to the reviews, here's one thing that I'm still undecided about so I thought I'd give my readers a chance to give me some advice on the matter.I don't think I need to say much more on this as I've given my thoughts on this over Discord. Hope it helps in some way! :smile
I like this early development of Bron and Shorty, and how their stories begin to join together. This is a great way to begin their journey, and you brilliantly captured Shorty's predicaments concerning the possibly orphaned hatchlings he's been looking after and wondering if this "stranger" can be trusted. It'll be very interesting to see how Bron and Shorty's journey progress before they eventually become a herd by the events of LBT 10. :)Hey thanks, glad you liked it :D
Oh I forgot to post a comment for the prologue. Whoops (though I did give my thoughts already so I guess it's all good :p )
As for this chapter, I really enjoyed! I like how you took the first encounter between Shorty and Bron and gave it more of the setting and feeling of the first LBT. It was also nice to see the natural progression of their first meeting to the tagging along at the end, while also leaving some interesting clues to Shorty's past. Looking forward to seeing more! :DD
I guess the only slight nitpick that I can give is that it seems Bron's name was randomly dropped into the chapter at one point with no real proper introduction? (I mean, of course all of us reading it here knew it was him :lol ). This is the part I'm talking about:
“Why, sure I am? Didn’t I already admit I’m lost?!”
“Right…” Bron collected his memory.
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For some reason I'm really proud of that last paragraph :o Like... it's not a cliffhanger and all and actually sounds nice :lol
Now that you bring it up, I think the part I like specifically about the last sentence is that it ends almost the way the chapter begins with the sun's description matching the situation in a sort of pathetic fallacy style. The first paragraph opens with the sun reflecting the harsh nature of the landscape and ends with the sun rising and greeting them with a sorta feeling of hope.
Quote
Before I move on to the reviews, here's one thing that I'm still undecided about so I thought I'd give my readers a chance to give me some advice on the matter.
I don't think I need to say much more on this as I've given my thoughts on this over Discord. Hope it helps in some way! :smile
Yeah, this was a great way to introduce Shorty’s group and Bron to this story and a rather important one considering the fic’s name. The way you changed the perspective between Bron and Shorty throughout the chapter was a rather effective one as it brought the misgivings and competing distrust of the duo to the surface nicely. I especially liked Bron’s reactions to Shorty’s antics as they mirrored his speaking style of the film perfectly. I wonder, though, if it would have been a good idea to have some kind of leadup or backstory to this scene if you are starting this far back in his life? It is probable he could have felt some extra responsibility to some of the younger children he liked better than the others, for example.
As for your question, it would certainly be a plus if you added Littlefoot’s journey to the crater but only if you have some idea on how to make it interesting. A mere retelling would hardly add too much into the fic but if you have some ideas or twists, by all means, add that plot to the story. As a whole, thus far this rewriting has been a massive improvement from the original one. :)littlefoot
Yeah, I'd never read the original either but this looks good.Thanks, I'm glad you liked the first chapter! :)littlefoot
Bron and Shorty interaction was really good too!
You're right in saying this is very different from the Ali we grew up with after LBT 4 came out, but character development can enhance that of the story, whether it is for the better of that character, or the worse. In Ali's case, her constant nightmares that her herd are sharing are bringing with them a change in her character that will only be the beginning of her getting to know that this is something that every Longneck goes through, and I'm afraid this will only continue to affect her until "that time" arrives. I'm very appreciative of stories with big character developments, "The Swimmer Trials" being a major example, and you've gotten off to a great start with Ali's.
My singular thought after reading this chapter: Children will never understand adults, and vice versa. :SmugSpike
Also reading this makes me feel that Ali's exclusion in LBT10 is such a waste
This chapter introduced another one of the protagonists quite nicely and it established Ali’s herd’s situation effectively. Ali’s thoughts felt natural even if her behavior was quite annoying near the end, imo. Still, her reaction to the sleep stories felt natural and I like the way you made her mirror her current life to the possibility of simply staying in the Great Valley. But her fight with her mother wasn’t really the most logical thing to do and it didn’t help that she just had to catch the Old One’s interest in her actions too. Those things hardly make things more pleasant for the duo in the herd. Anyway, I look forward to seeing what’ll happen in her second chapter and again, this installment was quite needed as I remember the early Ali chapters being quite clumsily written in the original version. Judging by the way things are developing, the next one will be Littlefoot’s introduction, if I’m not completely mistaken. :OhYou
It has been awhile since I read the first few chapters of Shorty's Dark Past, but from what I remember this current incarnation is establishing the personalities, backstories, and situations much more effectively than in the first incarnation. In chapter 1 we get to see a rather desperate Shorty, hotheaded as usual, but still concerned for his own safety and that of the hatchlings that are following him. Shorty's "WTF" response to an adult looking at him desperately, only to turn away with disinterest is a very understandable reaction that I think anyone would have in that circumstance. Likewise, Bron's single-minded search to the exclusion of all else does establish both his love for his (as of yet) unseen son and also a character weakness in him that he often shows such empathy for one person but can ignore those who are not kin. It will be interesting to see how this dynamic develops.
As for chapter 2 we get to see a very different Ali than in LBT 4, but one that is understandably annoyed with the regimentation of her herd and the lack of understanding from the fellow herdmates. The obvious panic when she saw her mother rolling over in her sleep is certainly an understandable one. Though this does make me wonder what are the statistics on longneck children being accidentally stepped on or rolled over on by parents. :p I think we might need to have flyers give Public Information Addresses to protect these vulnerable kids before their heads get any flatter. :p All joking aside, this was a lovely addition to the story and I look forward to seeing where it goes from here. :)
Oh, I like this!
My favorite part is the gang four-in-one cornering after Littlefoot baited Cera with the sleep stories. That was written so fluidly that it was almost like the interaction came out of a legit film. :)
That moment between Littlefoot and his friends felt just like a typical scene from the movies. You can't go without their all-so-familiar, cute, funny and friendly conversations with occasional teasing. It's the perfect way to start Littlefoot's story. He is having these strange visions, and yet his friends suspect nothing coming. Now, like I said, I only watched the tenth film once, so I feel as if I'm seeing something new all over again, since I remember almost nothing about it. I felt the scenes with the Gang were cute, and I can't wait to see more! :)
To be honest, this chapter didn’t leave me with a whole lot to review. You managed to retell the tenth film’s opening parts quite effectively and I liked the way you described these familiar events unfold. I especially liked the tag scene as I found it to be written rather effectively and it shed some light into Ducky’s thoughts. The Gang’s discussion with Cera was also done quite well even if the retelling didn’t add a whole lot to that scene. Overall, this chapter followed the film from start to finish which isn’t a bad thing but I hope there will be some new stuff in the next ones. Your use of “terra incognita” also caught my eye as I’m not sure if such phrases fit LBT too well. But other than that, you opened Littlefoot’s story quite nicely. :)
I think the decision to not deviate much from the formula of an opening to a LBT film was a good call for this chapter. Though the already effective flow of the film was retained in this passage, the thoughts and perspective of Ducky were much better conveyed as is possible through the medium of the written word. The introduction of Littlefoot here was also well done, as he is presented as he typically is in the films, carefree and joyful. In establishing him in this manner his experience serves as a contrast to the hardships of Shorty and Ali. And it gives us, the readers, a better feel for the clash of experiences that is to come. Nicely done!
Wow. This was quite a read for me. Shorty seems to be acting a lot like Cera, but Bron sure is one to not give up on getting him to open up.Thank you very much! :)littlefoot
Bron has apparently been struggling to stay strong when coping with the loss of his family, but not letting himself fall into despair has kept him going through all the droughts he's faced.
Shorty's story seemed quite tragic. I'm actually wondering myself what really became of his mother, but once I read about his father, I got these vibes that made me think about my own recent stories with my short-lived Swimmer OC characters. I couldn't blame the kid for running away from his family, although he sure seemed to have taken a gamble when he ended up in the middle of nowhere with these orphaned hatchlings. His short life seems to have been filled with bad luck.
I'm liking this slow buildup between Bron and Shorty, and I can sense that it won't be long before Shorty starts seeing Bron as a fatherly figure that his own father could not be. This is turning into quite a dynamic story. Keep up the good work! :)
*sees Ducky's reply* Wow, it really is. I'm sorry, I really have not seen LBT X in forever. Uh, that's awkward... I'm not sure if the fact I can't remember is more telling on me or the film... I better rewatch that movie before I type a silly comment again... after this comment.
Shorty's story is pretty darn tragic. Self-orphaning by running away tugged at me.
Bron and Shorty's talk with each other is written really well. It's probably the writing style or the setting, but I get the sense that they're both withholding information from the other when it first begins as a conversation on a serene night, before relenting and revealing more bout their own lives as it plays on and turns deep and personal. The scene and background is captured really well. :D
(On a personal note do you want me to transfer all my reviews to the FFN mirror of this story as well? I mean, I don't mind since I intend to try and review more and go into more in-depth analysis for the forum. Might as well get my personal submitted review count on that FFN account up a bit)
This chapter certainly began developing the duo’s relationship far better than the original version did. The initial description of the scene was done in a nice way and the leadup to the main conversation was rather believable as the brief talk about Shorty’s ability to keep us with Bron was one of the few ways to break the ice with the boy. The duo’s initial banter leading to their backgrounds flowed seamlessly as it was made clear that the relationship flourished mostly because they knew they were both in horrible situations.
Bron’s backstory was told rather nicely but damn, those additional, broken eggs which Bron left unmentioned again bother me. :boohoo Also, the “in law” caught my eye as there are no laws in LBT. Otherwise, this was a good way to deepen and develop the longneck’s story from the actual film. Shorty’s story, on the other hand, was cut short briefly but I know that his actual background wasn’t revealed until much later in the original story. Yet, the ending with the duo’s easing mental trauma seemed like a quick one as I’d think their troubles run deeper than one discussion. But being able to speak about one’s troubles is quite easing so I guess the ending works quite well. Overall, nice job as usual. I’ve got the feeling the revised version of SDP is turning out quite nicely. :yes
This chapter did a far superior job of introducing the Bron / Shorty relationship than the original incarnation of this story. Though Shorty is still standoffish and Bron is still distant, we can see the need in both of them to find someone else to care for and to be cared for in return. For Bron part of this drive comes from a need to find his son that he believes to possibly be lost forever, whereas for Shorty it comes from a need to find the loving father he never had. In the end we are left with two broken dinosaurs who have found one another and, along the way, have found that they perhaps have more in common than they suspected. Though certain plot points that were held in reserve in the first story are being told earlier in this case, I think that actually works better here. We get to more immediately see what has driven Shorty's actions and to relate to him in a more relatable manner.
Besides the improvement in character development and narrative in this installment versus the older story I must also applaud you on the improvement in prose. In much the same manner as the original Shorty's Dark Past had superior writing to your first story, this revised SDP shows a skill with the English language that is much improved over the original. The dialogue feels much more natural and fits the characters in a much more individualized fashion.
All in all this story is moving along very nicely and I look forward to seeing how things develop from here. :)
When did these chapters slip past me? I thought I was only 1 behind but I guess not :lol
Chapter 3 is a faithful re-telling from the movie, which was done well and serves as a good introduction as we now get a short glimpse into each longnecks lives after their sleepstory. I like how you showed how Spike's ducking down was actually intentional and not just coincidental :p
Chapter 4 was the exciting one of the two for sure as we're given some interesting developments on both sides. Bron seems a lot more regretful and broken in his story telling here, which seems about right since he did lose everything at this point (though maybe his relationship with Shorty helped ease the pain a little by the time he told the story to Littlefoot? Or maybe just knowing Littlefoot was still alive helped him deal with it?). Shorty's past was also teased here with a very not surprising rough past, though it's interesting to see an actual abusive relationship here. I must admit that I found the whole addictive leaves to be kinda funny (somebody's been eating the golden petals of the night flower for more then medicinal purposes it seems :lol ).
Joking aside it was an enjoyable read and am looking forward to seeing what's in store for Ali next (even if it takes me longer then normal to get around to it :p )
Well, it seems I was right in predicting that Ali would become quite a pain for her mother to handle, but I can't blame her, for the most part. The tense argument between the two got out of hand so quickly that I felt as if I was there, trying to listen in and couldn't keep up with what they were saying. It was as if it just happened so fast! :P I do have my concerns over the Old One's decision to not make the journey, so I think it'll be intriguing to see where this herd's story goes from here.
I only hope that Ali doesn't start acting like Shorty, ... or will all three of our main Longneck heroes go through the same mood swings because of their nightmares? This should be very interesting! :o
Oh, and have a nice vacation! :)
This is yet another great improvement on the original. :) We get to see Ali's remembrance of her time in the valley and the wonderful freedom she felt within its protective walls, only to have the spell be broken by her awakening. The argument with her mother is much more reasonable than I remember it in the original as it slowly builds and then finally eases as the meeting arrives. The meeting itself is another sign of improvement as the Old One's dialogue takes on a very distinct, and anti-laconic tone. Both being long-winded, but not superfluous as she explains her reasoning and misgivings on the situation. The fact that she allows a vote does show that she is the matriarch of a somewhat democratic system but that her words and instructions carry great weight in the community. This makes her a bit more relatable than in the previous tale and it also makes me curious about what will happen next. :yes
The argument between Ali and her mom was curt and very reminiscent of a kid trying to rebel against an overly protective parental figure. The exchanges were brief, yet heated... pretty much like a real life argument with parents.Yup, you've said that really well. Nothing to add here but... thanks for the review :D
It's also quite telling that the Old One refuses to make the journey despite the instincts of her herd and even herself. Really shows that even after LBT4, she still prefers to be in her own comfort zone and refuses to take risks to endanger the herd.
That sleep story is such a tease, hinting for things to come. The whiplash in it was nicely done too.
As of the time I'm writing this review, I finally watched the movie, so now I can tell what's different from the rest. In this case, Littlefoot's sleep story gave the chapter such an intense atmosphere. It seems that with every night that passes, his nightmares will keep getting worse and worse, and continuously plague his mind, until ... it happens. That last bit with the mention of Ali has me very intrigued, and I have this strange hunch that we could be expecting a Littlefoot x Ali reunion at some point during the story. Then again, that's just my prediction, and I have no way of telling whether or not I'm a good fortuneteller. :P As before, nice job with the buildups in Littlefoot's story. Compared to Ali and Shorty, Littlefoot has been having the most tense buildup in my opinion.
The sleep story, and Littlefoot's confusion during it, nicely encapsulates the conflicting emotions that he is going through when contemplating the coming journey. Though the dream sequences are a bit of a tease, as OwlsCantRead has tested, it is a tease that makes us readers consider the possibilities of what Littlefoot's coming journey will entail. As such the dreams are not only foreshadowing possibilities to our favorite flathead, but also to ourselves as well. Though both Ali and Shorty have had more eventful occurrences thus far, Littlefoot's slow buildup has me curious for what is to come. :yes
Sorry for the late review but I still thought I’d give my thoughts. This chapter elaborated the future of the story quite well and this is another example of how ridiculously easy it would have been for Universal to make the tenth film better. The longer dialogue in the first part of the fic made that conversation feel more natural and complete and it wrapped that brief scene up well.
However, it is the latter part of this installment that made this an intriguing read. Littlefoot’s dream was quite intense and the way that scene was built was really impressive. The ending of that sequence with Ali was powerful and it brought up Littlefoot’s missing for her quite tangibly. The last scene of this chapter with Littlefoot’s thoughts was not only a good look into how the longneck views his old friend these days but a great indicator for what’s to come and one I’m not sure was included in the original version of this fic. In any case, it was a good inclusion and well done with this one! :DD
Now, this is the perfect example of signs of mental turmoil. I know mostly because my nephew has a mental illness and keeps having these random screaming episodes as if he's schizophrenic or something. To me, it really does seem that Ali is on the verge of going insane unless she gathers up the courage to run away from this "miserable life" she's been trapped in. You have a great skill of expressing character emotions in situations like these, and I'm excited yet dreading what will happen in the next part of her story. She knows it will be a perilous one, but she just wants to be with those she knows will care about her, and she will do whatever it takes to start another chapter in her young life.
Short, but good chapter, and BTW, Happy New Year! :smile
This was a rather quick look into Ali’s thoughts and showed very well just how difficult her situation is. I’m not sure if her mental anguish was even more profound this time around but still, you did a fine job in portraying her frustrations about her herd and her inability to be with Littlefoot. That conflict is shown quite deeply which is vital in portraying a character make decisions like these.
Yet, again, you aren’t making Ali especially likable to me in this fic. :p “Why can’t she acknowledge my feelings?” is the kind of stuff that often makes kind of shun a character and later in the chapter, her planned journey is, as in the original fic, a complete folly. Though, it was a good idea to show her try to argue with herself about her situation as it showed how torn she is between her wishful thoughts and reality. In any case, it’ll be interesting to see just how you’ll change the next parts of Ali’s story. :)
Though this chapter was a bit on the short side it did present us with a good inner view of Ali's thought process and inner turmoil. We get to see how the small taste of relative freedom and happiness in the valley has put her herd life into a very unflattering light. With this being combined with a lack of companionship from many kids her age, hormones, and what looks like a budding mental breakdown, it really puts her motivations into perspective and into a much more sympathetic light than what we were presented with in the previous incarnation of this tale. Though in this case her youthful and hopeful dreams have overpowered her logical mind, we do see that she is thinking about things with some sense of rationality as shown by her stocking up on food for the long journey ahead. I eagerly look forward to what the coming confrontation will lead to, and how Ali's journey will proceed. :yes
Out of curiosity, what is wrong with the statement you quoted? What else could I have done? It's a bit cliche perhaps but I wouldn't know how else to express her utter frustration at the situation. :thinking
Now this was a rather interesting chapter. We saw here certain scenes that really deepened Bron and Shorty’s backgrounds. I especially liked the flashback as we have seldom seen any scenes of Bron’s old life. His conversation with Grandpa was nicely written and it was a really good way to show how deeply he regrets the choices he made in those days. Also, his talk with Shorty and the beginning of his herd’s journey to the crater is one that showed just what kind of relationship they had had prior to the Bron’s reunion with his real son.
However, the beginning of the chapter really caught my eye. :sducky You don’t start with “Many years later” in case there have been several chapters since we last saw the plotline move forward. Also, the way you told what had happened was quite closely drawn from the film but it seemed to be too simple for this fic. Still, those are minor issues and I liked your characterizations of Bron and Shorty more than Ali’s, for example. In any case, nice job with this one. :)
This chapter has really gotten me excited for what's to come for Bron and Shorty's herd. You've really done a great job portraying him as a very effective leader who can protect and calm his herd whenever he needs to.
The flashback was very nicely done, too. It's too bad very few have written about what drove Bron to go on that journey that ultimately cost him his family life. Your version of the journey has left a lasting impression on me, and it clearly illustrates the remorse Bron feels about letting his family down and leaving him unsure if any of them are still alive, let alone his son.
I must agree with Sovereign in pointing out that the "Many years later" was very confusing. Furthermore, a few lines later, you said that it had been several months since the previous events of Bron and Shorty's story. Still, that didn't stop this chapter from hyping up the excitement and anticipation of future events. Good chapter. :)
This was quite a lovely chapter that elaborated upon not only Bron and Shorty's relationship, but also on the history of Bron's initial quest. With regards to Shorty and Bron we have caught sight in this chapter of Shorty's budding bullying and mischievousness, but also of Bron's ability to (thus far) keep him in line and to understand some of his misbehavior.
What really caught my attention, however, was the contrast between Bron's style of leadership and that of the Old One. In Bron's leadership we see a more dynamic leadership style with distinct votes and an attempt to reconcile those who voted against the consensus once the vote is done. I wonder how much of this is due to how his herd developed organically over time based upon his leadership as opposed to the Old One's more ossified leadership from (as of right now) unknown origins. I suspect this dichotomy is going to be important going forward.
As for what the others said about the "many years later" beginning, I do have to agree that it was confusing at first. Generally it is best to describe the timing of a scene relative to the prior one, even if the prior scene in question involved other characters. That being said, in stories such as this where there are quite a few flashbacks and several instances of shifting back in forth it is sometimes difficult to avoid some confusion. This did not stop me from enjoying this chapter however. I look forward to seeing how things go from here. :)
I have to agree with the others regarding the "many years later" timeskip being confusing, because the last chapter was from Ali's POV and thus present day, which made the relative timeskip seem off. But once I remembered where Bron's segment left off, all was good anyway. :P
That said, the way that Bron left his family to hunt for the valley because of Littlefoot's grandparents is harsh and ironic in hindsight. I really did like it.
“So let me get this straight…” Cera, who had been silent thus far, perching on a rock, finally spoke up. “You’ve been having sleepstories so you’re going on an adventure but you don’t know when and you don’t know where and you don’t know why but you just sorta feel when it’s time to leave and then you and your grandparents will just sorta wander off.” The words came in such quick succession that Littlefoot had a hard time keeping up with them. “Is that it?”
This was a pretty good retelling of this scene as it, as usual, deepened the conversation and the characters’ thoughts nicely. The slow buildup to this scene was handled well and it helped establish a rather good feeling in this offering. In terms of the plot, there is really not too much for me to add as it kinda is quite closely following the film. I must admit, it felt rather weird for the song to be simply skipped, even if you used a few lines from it. I understand that trying to incorporate it into the narrative would have been difficult but it felt like this scene lacked something. In any case, this chapter advanced the plot solidly which is the most important thing. :)Thank you very much :)
So, we have Littlefoot being the typical Littlefoot he is, trying so hard to get his friends to join him while they have no idea what to anticipate on this journey just ahead. To me, this simply felt just like a very common way of how he always tries to bring his friends along. Just another day ahead becomes one of excitement (for most of them), but now the cliffhanger is leaving us wondering if they're really going to tag along or stay behind.
You know, I think you did an okay job trying to make the scene as loyal to the movie as possible without using the song. I have to admit, "Adventuring," wasn't quite my favorite, especially after they began overusing that in the TV series. It does seem a bit strange reading how Littlefoot tries to encourage his friends to come along without breaking into song like they did in the movie, but I can't fault you for that. I'm not sure I could have been able to pull that off, either. This was quite a good effort in avoiding the use of the song.
This chapter honestly felt like it did a great job at building the excitement at the possibilities for the Gang. It'll be interesting to see where they go from here. :)
I actually think the omission of the song worked rather well here. The interactions between the gang were handled effectively and I think their concerns about Littlefoot's upcoming journey were well-conveyed. One part in particular made me laugh out loud though:
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“So let me get this straight…” Cera, who had been silent thus far, perching on a rock, finally spoke up. “You’ve been having sleepstories so you’re going on an adventure but you don’t know when and you don’t know where and you don’t know why but you just sorta feel when it’s time to leave and then you and your grandparents will just sorta wander off.” The words came in such quick succession that Littlefoot had a hard time keeping up with them. “Is that it?”
This is classic Cera and, to be honest from a rational point of view, she has a very good point. Most of us in the modern world would not consider wandering off to a place unknown due to a dream would be a good idea. :p I do like how she does, in her own way, wishes him well however. I don't really have much else to say about this chapter but I think it treated the source material quite well considering the necessity of either working in or removing a song. Keep up the good work!
Posted by: Sovereign
« on: March 14, 2019, 10:06:10 PM » Insert Quote
Ali, you’re seriously getting on my nerves. :anger Not only is her case here extremely weak but pretty much every part of her comments and behavior is really inexcusable. Yes, she might miss Littlefoot and her mother might not be too understanding or caring of her worries but even then, the latter’s behavior is borderline maddening. Not only does she show complete disregard to those who have helped her and kept her safe but she also doesn’t seem to understand the threats of the world at all and why she shouldn’t disregard her kind’s wisdoms. I really despised her in this chapter which isn’t something I often do while reading fics.
But even after that rant, my reactions are most likely a testament to the way you’ve portrayed the emotions here and the way you’ve managed to make them believable to the reader. As far as I can remember, these scenes weren’t nearly as elaborated in the original story so this is a welcome change. However, I wonder if my opinion of Ali will recover anytime soon. :p
Posted by: DiddyKF1
« on: March 15, 2019, 01:50:22 AM » Insert Quote
OMG! :opetrie Ali must be completely out of her mind! This whole chapter was just complete outrage (not in a way that upset me or anything, but seriously, the character interactions just completely boiled over). You almost can't help but feel sorry for Ali because of how, in her mind, her mother just doesn't understand her troubles, but she has taken a big gamble. She has no idea what's coming to her, and she doesn't seem to care. I don't even know who I'd side with in this situation. If I were one of those Longnecks overhearing that dreadful conversation, I wouldn't know what to do. I'd feel completely lost. Part of me wants to lash out at Ali for her disregard for the world around her, but part of me wants to hold back, as if that's going to do any good since no one is going to take her seriously, it seems.
So, just as I predicted, Ali has reached her boiling point, and I can't even begin to describe how I feel about her in this story right now. She has become quite a nuisance in the eyes of those who know her, and I don't even know where her gamble is going to take her next ...
And now what has been building for quite some time has finally manifested itself into quite an emotional argument. Though not entirely rational, when the usual excesses of young hormones combines with a home life that can hardly be called optimal, an irrational outburst is the inevitable result. That being said I do believe that Ali will be in for a rude awakening if she parts from those who have provided her protection and security for all of these years. Though, having seen the original fic, I think we all know that this is a lesson she will have to learn the hard way. In fact, that is kind of the plot. :p
I will not say this was the easiest read, and it certainly did not portray Ali in the most sympathetic light in my perspective, but you did capture of the emotions of the moment very well. This was the eruption of the building tsunami, emotionally speaking, and a point of no return. From here Ali's situation is certainly going to pivot. :yes
Posted by: DiddyKF1
« on: July 06, 2019, 10:05:28 PM » Insert Quote
Wow! A chapter that covers all three arcs! :)petrie
Well, Shorty and Bron's journey sure seems to be going at a slow yet steady pace. Having not read the old version, I don't have too much to say other than good job at bringing up some of what this story earns its name for. We are beginning to see more clues of Shorty's past and that he has never recovered from those terrible memories that could be considered cringe-worthy for someone like him.
You've done justice once again in Littlefoot's story. Why does the series always have to cut down on reunions and goodbyes? First, movie VII denied us a proper reunion scene between Ducky and her mother, and then movie X denied us a goodbye scene between Littlefoot and his beloved friends. "Bestest Friends" did little to fix that problem. You, on the other hand, gave the Gang a very brief, but emotional goodbye scene we rightfully should have gotten. It was also interesting to see how mixed their feelings were, regarding Littlefoot's departure. Somehow, even I was saddened by the fact he couldn't bring them along, even though you're trying to remain somewhat loyal to the movie. I honestly felt as if I was in one of their places, feeling just as saddened as the characters were. It demonstrates your excellent ability in incorporating character emotions.
As for Ali, determination and outright hatred for her mother and herd are the only things keeping her going right now, and now we're seeing how each of the three Longnecks are beginning to feel doubt in their journeys for different reasons. It could be argued that she's still being quite foolish doing this all by herself, but sometimes anger fuels the desire to escape what makes you so angry or miserable, and I'm afraid that's just what the case was for her.
And finally, the Old One has become a complete nuisance, and she's taken Ali's place as the character that makes my blood boil. She shows absolutely no concern for Ali and completely disregards her mother's concerns for her safety, and then she blames her entirely for her daughter's actions. I don't know who's more of a cruel, bigoted, loathsome authoritarian leader. She even makes Cera's father look like a saint!
I know I probably didn't have too much to say about this chapter, possibly because I've been a bit lazy with typing lately, but it's nice to see that this story continues to build and bring more development into everyone. Great job, Ducky! :)petrie
Posted by: Sovereign
« on: July 08, 2019, 09:11:57 PM » Insert Quote
Here the three storylines were advanced quite well and it was indeed a surprise to see all of them combined in one chapter. While they didn’t offer any major developments, they built up the plot quite decently. Bron and Shorty’s part deepened their relationship well. it was fun to see Shorty’s efforts to hide his hunger even if it was the only thing in his mind. At this point, they seem to be quite close which makes the eventual events far more tragic. I really agree with Diddy that Littlefoot and his friends’ goodbye should have been portrayed in the film as you showed in this chapter. The emotions were very tangible here and Spike and Ducky’s last question indeed paves the way for the inevitable answer. That was overall a good scene and one we needed badly.
And here we need only the beginnings of the damage the idiotic Ali has caused. Her mother’s situation is far from enviable and the worst part is that she deserved none of it. I know your opinions about the Old One but even then, I don’t think her characterization here matches her behavior in the fourth film. Even then, Ali’s mother’s concern was portrayed very well here and I look forward to seeing what happens next.
Posted by: rhombus
« on: July 09, 2019, 03:44:47 PM » Insert Quote
The banter at the beginning of this chapter was quite well done. The interchange between a food-obsessed Shorty and a wise (and a bit teasing) Bron made for a relatable exchange between the two. It also highlights what the herd is risking in this journey in following their feelings to go to a totally new, and unknown, destination.
The use of voting here again shows the somewhat democratic nature of Bron’s herd, which is understandable considering the nature of its genesis. It was born of other longnecks joining it of their own free will and thus some degree of democratic choice is understandable when a major decision needs to be made, even if Bron is the leader in most day-to-day respects.
The parting of Littlefoot from his friends was handled in a rather straightforward fashion, but the characterizations of each of the gang was handled well. One can clearly get an appreciation for Cera’s annoyance of Littlefoot dashing off on an adventure to follow something he saw in a sleep story. That being said there is some delicious irony in her emotions here on that the gang has certainly gone on adventures for sillier reasons in the past… which I am sure will factor in to their decisions later on in this story.
As for Ali’s storyline it seems that her decision in the heat of the moment has had more of an immediate effect than I would have assumed. Here we can see the ‘collective responsibility’ of a family for its young being applied in the herd, and it is clear the tensions from Ali’s insolence has spilled over in the Old One’s opinion of the situation. The reaction of Ali’s mother is understandable considering the Old One’s annoyance and lack of empathy, but it has placed her in just as perilous of a situation as her daughter.
Overall this chapter has moved forward all three storylines quite nicely. Although I am unsure of the characterization of the Old One in her meeting with Ali’s mother, the other characters seemed quite in-character to me and their banter and thoughts were quite relatable. I look forward to seeing how all three of our journeying parties fare in the coming chapter. :)
Posted by: UnionRags123
« on: July 19, 2019, 10:05:43 PM » Insert Quote
Omg this is great!
Old One’s use of an “aggressive” approach really backfired...
And yes, a one shot of Old One v Topps would definitely be welcomed! :lol
Poor Ali...out in the desert by herself...
That does it! I have absolutely no respect for the Old One in this story whatsoever! I hate her here just as much as I hated the original Cera and her father! :anger She is behaving like someone who only knows how to rule through fear, and after seeing a certain character like that on HBO for nine years, you know that characters like that will only leave behind a loathsome legacy. I'm honestly not sure how much longer she'll remain in her position with the over-authoritarian antics she's been showing.
Bron sure seemed to have done a good job at trying to keep things as peaceful as possible, even if his new enemy has no shred of compassion for practically, ... well, ... anyone, it seems. They are clearly complete opposites, and such personalities could never mix together, much like how it was once believed that different kinds could never mix together. I would say that this chapter was the beginning of the end of Old One's dominant influence over her herd, and it's only a matter of time before she begins to lose her power.
Poor Ali. All alone and in the middle of nowhere, but I suppose she is learning her lesson the hard way whether she succeeds on her journey or not. Just as we think this story is supposed to bring all Longnecks together, it's sure doing a good job at tearing some apart.
This was quite a nice surprise to brighten my boring day, ... aside from Old One's abysmal behavior.
This was quite an interesting scene and one that showed the highly differing personalities of Bron and your Old One. The difference between the former’s efforts to protect his herd and the latter’s hesitancy to help in that were really stark and showed just how capable a leader Bron really is. The argument was written quite well and the tension that rose during it were very tangible here. I liked the way Bron pushed her into a hesitant acceptance to acting the way any decent dinosaur should act. And indeed, he proved his capability to lead once again.
As for Ali, I’m not a fan of these kinds of one-scene sequences during a chapter as there is almost always something more to be built from scenes like that. It wasn’t too bothering but it’s something I prefer to avoid myself. And again, Old one seemed like a complete OC here and the herd is far from what we saw in the films. I know I’ve complained of it before but it strikes me again with every chapter. However, the main part of this installment was very good so well done with that
Posted by: rhombus
« on: July 28, 2019, 03:13:56 AM » Insert Quote
Now this was quite an enjoyable read considering what I personally think of the Old One in this particular continuity. :p At first I thought that Bron would let the Old One have her way after exhausting every opportunity for a peaceful solution, but instead we get to see his abilities as leader firsthand. He expertly allows her to show herself to be intransigent in her demands and then he finally shows his hand - that he is willing to use force to achieve his just demands. Considering the Old One's desire to maintain power and to quash dissent I do wonder what will happen now that she has shown weakness here.
Thoughts, stories and a canyon:@rhombus
In light of the current character showcase (the useless sharptooth from LBT 6) I do appreciate the shout out in the discussion between Littlefoot and the grandparents in this scene considering the events of that film. :) Additionally it was interesting to see Littlefoot's thoughts as he goes on his (almost) lonely journey in the Mysterious Beyond. It is understandable that he thinks about those who live like this everyday, such as Pterano and Doc, and wonder how they do it. With an extrovert like Littlefoot it must be a disturbing thought.
In any case, this chapter sets up a nice contrast between the far-walker protagonists (Bron, Ali, and Ali's mother). This showcases the collision of perspectives that is about to occur.
I look forward to seeing what happens next.
In my honest opinion, every redone of the story, minor or major, is ok, if author thinks it makes story only better. So, reuploading everything, with updated versions of chapter, is fine. Together with keeping this 2.0 version for the history and for future generations :D Version 3.0 thread is coming?..
Also, I think, in this case, such long pause helps, so when completely new chapter is posted, people wouldn't mind to refresh their memories about what was going on in previous chapters, so they will reread them, and so they will read new updated versions of old chapters.
At the end, I have to honestly say, this situation is one of reasons why I am supporter of idea to publish fanfiction only when it is on final stages of writing: with that, there would be a very little chance author would find the text from already posted chapters outdated and "not good enough" and would reupload the whole story. But that's fine, I see overwhelming majority of people post new chapters one by one, right after they're written and edited.
I think that for any major rewrite of a story it is probably best to post it as a new story and topic on the forum. This not only can allow for a clear showcase of how your writing has evolved, but it also can help to confuse readers who might see comments in the topic with reviews and comments about the previous iteration of the story.
At the very least, having a detailed plan for long-fics before anything is posted is probably a good idea for some writers. :yesThat is extremely true. I'm beta-reading a story for a friend who has not done an elaborate chapter plan and it's a nightmare because they keep getting stuck in their progress. It's part of the reason I started rereading my own story, in order for me to start planning the oasis arc in details as opposed to just roughly knowing in the back of my mind what kind of key scenes there have to be without knowing their exact order and relation yet.