The Land Before Time: A Long Lost Friend

[vonboy]

SOLAR SYSTEM - UNKNOWN

Music starts playing, faintly at first, but slowly growing in intensity. A comet whizzes by, leaving a long trail of dust as a title comes up.

The Land Before Time: A Long-Lost Friend

NARRATOR: Long, long ago, further back than us, further back than the mighty Roman Empire, the first tribes, even before man himself. Before Wolf and Bear, Elephant giraffe, this planet was much different. IT was home to strange and wonderful creatures.

NARRATOR: The most magnificent of these creatures were called the dinosaurs.

Camera zooms down into the earth to show a large migrating herd of spiketails.

MYSTERIOUS BEYOND - NOON

NARRATOR: Many of these majestic creatures were plant eaters, wandering the lands in constant search of food.

Several spiketail young are playing, chasing each other in a game of tag, laughing in their excitement.

NARRATOR: This land was not without its dangers though.

A loud ROAR is heard, spooking the migrating heard into a panic.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: What was that?

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Stay close, dear. Our leader will hold him back.

The leader of the group, wrinkled with age, heads back, standing defensively between his herd and the oncoming threat.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #2: What's going on?

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Here it comes!

NARRATOR: The greatest danger in this time was the dreaded sharpteeth!

From behind a forest, a large T-Rex sharptooth breaks out. He's bluish/purplish in color. He roars again before barring his teeth.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: Sharptooth!

The sharptooth starts to advance to the leader.

SPIKETAIL LEADER: Come on! I"m ready for ya!

The sharptooth charges at the aged leader. He rams his head into the side of the old dinosaur, causing him to fall over with much force.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #2: Grandpa!

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: We have to help him!

The two young spiketails breakout from under their mother towards the leader.

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Little ones, no! Come back here!"

The sharptooth starts to lower his head, opening his jaws to take a piece out of the leader, when the young spiketails come up to them.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: Leave our grandpa alone!

The sharptooth pauses for a second. Turning his glare, and growls at the two young before returning his attention to the old dinosaur in front of him.

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Please, come back here little ones! I don't want to lose you too!

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #2: We have to do something!

The two young glance at each other, exchanging nods before charging forward. They ram the sharptooth's foot, bouncing off in the process. The massive beast pauses again, turning his head to look at the children. The two little ones take a step back in fear.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: Should we have done that?

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #2: I don't know. Right now, I'm not sure.

The sharptooth decides to sling his tail to brush the two young away. During this time, the old one gains back his composure, and rams into the sharptooth.

SPIKETAIL LEADER: Please, go back to your mother!

YOUNG SPIKETAIL: Grandpa, no!

SPIKETAIL LEADER: I said go!

The two young rush back to their mother while the leader of the herd rubs his front paw on the ground. He tries to rush the sharptooth, but he steps out of the way. Before the leader can recover, the sharptooth quickly turns around, and rams him over again. The old dinosaur groans in pain.

SPIKETAIL LEADER: Oh, I'm not as spry as I used to be!

The two young look on in terror.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: No!

The sharptooth quickly brings down his jaws, biting the leader in the neck with force. A loud, deafening CRACK is heard, and two young scream.

NARRATOR: This is where our story begins. In this dangerous wilderness of prehistoric times, amply named the Mysterious Beyond!

TO BE CONTINUED

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This is my second LBT fanfic. It's basically a movie script for an idea I got about 6 months ago. I've been mussing over it for months now, so It's very well planned out. I'll probably be posting up parts to it weekly or every few days. Most of them will be shorter than PAST-O-RAMA episodes, but probably not this short! Right now, I"m planning on around 16 parts, so this is going to be pretty long.

Hope you enjoy it. DD

[LBTLover1]

Its pretty suspenseful...as of saying on the young spiketail's view to his grandpa.  Has this already been outlined?

[Malte279]

What I notice though is that the mother seems to remain very passive, neither helping the grandpa nor making sure that the kids don't try to do just that.

[The Friendly Sharptooth]

Prologue review

Music starts playing. Faintly at first, slowly growing in intensity. A comets whizzes by, leaving a long trail of dust, as a title comes up.

The first period turns what should be a sentence into a sentence and fragment. Secondly, the article “a” is associated with single nouns. Thirdly, the last comma is not needed.

Music starts playing, faintly at first, slowly growing in intensity. A comet whizzes by, leaving a long trail of dust as a title comes up.

The Land Before Time: A Long Lost Friend

Those two adjectives are not working separate businesses. One is not at a coffee shop while the other toils in the mines. They both work together as a team, one taking the orders while the other cooks the food. This is called a double modifier. That is when two words form a single description. He is not a long friend as well as a lost friend. He is a long-lost friend. Add a hyphen, and you’re good.

The Land Before Time: A Long-Lost Friend

NARRATOR: Long, long ago, further back than us. Further back than the mighty Roman Empire, the first tribes, Even before man himself. Before Wolf and Bear, Elephant giraffe, this planet was much different. IT was home to strange and wonderful creatures.

Stop cutting your sentences off early. It sounds like that one guy from that one Star Trek episode who keeps pausing. And don’t fully capitalize words. It’s not correct except for taking liberties with dialogue. “He did WHAT!?” And why capitalize animals?

NARRATOR: Long, long ago, further back than us, further back than the mighty Roman Empire, the first tribes, even before man himself, before wolf and wear, elephant and giraffe, this planet was much different. It was home to strange and wonderful creatures.

Camera zooms down into the earth to show a large migrating herd of spiketails.

To the earth, not into the earth. Into means inside. It’s not automatically incorrect to say “into the earth,” but when I hear spiketails, I don’t think in terms of underground.

NARRATOR: Many of these majestic creatures were plant eaters, wondering the lands in constant search of food.

Now, I’m pretty sure I know which of these two you meant, but I refrain from assuming in some instances. Either say “wandering the lands” or “wondering about the lands.” Sure, the latter is less likely, but it makes sense, so pick one or the other, because no one can “wondering the lands.”

NARRATOR: Many of these majestic creatures were plant eaters, wandering the lands in constant search of food.

NARRATOR: Many of these majestic creatures were plant eaters, wondering about the lands in constant search of food.

NARRATOR: This land was not without it’s dangers though.

“It’s” means it is. The possessive is “its.”

NARRATOR: This land was not without its dangers though.

A loud ROAR is heard, spooking the migrating heard into a panic.

I AM going to make an assumption here, and that is that your ROAR is an onomatopoeia. If so, put it in italics so people can know they are hearing the sound and not the narrator saying a roar is heard. If I am wrong and you meant for the sound to be narrated, un-capitalize it.

A loud ROAR is heard, spooking the migrating heard into a panic.

A loud roar is heard, spooking the migrating heard into a panic.

Stay close dear, our leader will hold him back.

A comma goes before a direct address, and that is two independent clauses (sentences).  A direct address is the word used to call to someone (literally, to address someone).

Hey, mister!

Jeremy, hurry up; we’re running out of time!

Listen to me, Mary, when I tell you that I love you.

As you can see, it can go anywhere in a sentence, but it must be accompanied by a comma or two (depending on the placement). And with two sentences, there must be a period, not a comma.

Stay close, dear. Our leader will hold him back.

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Here it comes...

Isn’t that a little casual for a tone in responding to a sharptooth attack? I’d write it as:

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Here it comes!

From behind a forest, a large T-Rex breaks out.

Be consistent. Don’t call some creatures by their LBT names then others by their human names. In fact, overlooking that spiketails are referred to in LBT times and this one not, you even called them sharpeeth earlier. That’s like saying, “I could really use some dinner, so what would you like for supper?”

From behind a forest, a large sharptooth breaks out.

He's Bluish/Purplish in color.

Colors are not proper nouns so are not capitalized.

He's bluish/purplish in color.

He ROARS again before barring his teeth.

Okay, that time, it is definitely not onomatopoeia, so don’t not capitalize the roar.

He roars again before barring his teeth.

The sharptooth starts to advance on the leader.

Not advancing on the leader, to the leader.

The sharptooth starts to advance to the leader.

SPIKETAIL LEADER: Come on, I"m ready for ya!

That is two independent clauses (sentences), so they need a stronger separation. If a husband and wife hate each other, they need a divorce, not just living in separate houses.  Use another exclamation point, as the “Come on” is in fact a complete sentence. It’s called imperative, which has an invisible subject, as it is telling the listener to do something. Secondly, an apostrophe has one mark, not two.

SPIKETAIL LEADER: Come on! I’m ready for ya!

The sharptooth charges at the old leader. He rams his head into the side of the old dinosaur, causing him to fall over with much force.

Using the same word too close together sounds redundant, takes away the sweetness of the eye candy. Try “aged” instead of “old” twice.

The sharptooth charges at the old leader. He rams his head into the side of the aged dinosaur, causing him to fall over with much force.

The two young spiketails breakout from under their mother, towards the leader.

The comma is not needed.

The two young spiketails breakout from under their mother towards the leader.

The sharptooth starts to lower his head, opening his jaws to take a piece out of the leader, when the young spiketails come up to the two.

That ending sounds kind of awkward to me. I’d say “them” instead of “the two.”

The sharptooth starts to lower his head, opening his jaws to take a piece out of the leader, when the young spiketails come up to them.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: Leave out grandpa alone!

“Our” grandpa, not “out.”

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: Leave our grandpa alone!

The sharptooth pauses for a second. He turns his head and growls at the two young, before returning his attention to the old dinosaur in front of him.

You have “head” a lot in this section. I’d just remove this one and re-write it so it’s still clear it’s not his whole body while also avoiding starting two sentences in a row with a subject. Use an introductory clause for some variety. Also, the comma is not needed.

The sharptooth pauses for a second. Turning his glare, he growls at the two young before returning his attention to the old dinosaur in front of him.

The two young glance at each other, exchanging nods, before charging forward.

The second comma is not needed.

The two young glance at each other, exchanging nods before charging forward.

The two young glance at each other, exchanging nods, before charging forward. They ram the sharptooth's foot, bouncing off in the process. The sharptooth pauses again, turning his head to look at the young. The two young take a step back in fear.

There’s been an attack of repetitive nouns! The two young/ the young/ the two young. The sharptooth/ the sharptooth. Doctor, this story is injured! We need 300 milligrams of variety, stat!

(Also, the second comma isn’t needed.)

The two young glance at each other, exchanging nods before charging forward. They ram the sharptooth's foot, bouncing off in the process. The carnivorous beast pauses again, turning his head to look at the children so foolish. The pair of siblings take a step back in fear.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #2: I don't know. Right now I'm not sure.

When an independent clause is proceeded by an introductory clause, there needs to be a comma between them.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #2: I don't know. Right now, I'm not sure.

The sharptooth decides to sling his tail to brush the two young away. During this time, the old one gains back his composure, and rams into the sharptooth.

That didn’t sound very, uh, action-y, more like you’re reciting action. Try sprucing it up a bit.

The sharptooth, out of hungering instinct for nourishment, whips his tail to the side in a blur of overwhelming force to knock the two young away. Using the monster’s distraction to his advantage, the old one shakes his head violently back and forth, rallying his senses before slamming his head full force into the giant’s side.

The two young rush back to their mother, while the leader of the herd rubs his front paw on the ground.

The comma is not needed.

The two young rush back to their mother while the leader of the herd rubs his front paw on the ground.

Before the leader can recover, The sharptooth quickly turns around, and rams him over again.

De-capitalize the “The,” as it is mid-sentence. Also, “rams him over again” has no subject so is a dependent clause, meaning no comma before the coordinating conjunction. Furthermore, “rams him over again”… I don’t get it. Maybe you meant something like:

Before the leader can recover, the sharptooth quickly turns around and rams into him once again.

Did I enjoy this story? Hm… Uh… Well… Let’s see… Mm… Oh… Um… YES! I enjoyed this story indeed. You created an example of what life is like outside of the Great Valley, and while we see instances of this from the movies, not so much those from who actually live there all the time. Prologues set the stage, so I fear there will be more hardship to come.  Having the mother just stand there was cold reality. It was sad but realistic. The mother knew it was hopeless, so if she went out there, she’d’ve likely gotten killed too. Many parents will ignore their own safety for their kids, but she realized that if she ran out there, both her kids AND her would be in danger of being devoured, not just her kids, and she may just be a terrible fighter While it’s a bit poor of her motherly heart to not to even try, it was a logical decision not to move against a killer like that. Running into a building that is about to explode to save someone will only get you both killed. Heroism isn’t worth your life if it doesn’t save any others, and so I have mixed feelings about the mother. She’s like a cross between a realistic and someone with a disorder like autism, as the latter sometimes speaks of emotion but doesn’t have the action to back it up when it comes to others due to not really having true emotion. She screamed for them but never went after them. This also raises the question of whether or not she doesn’t love her kids all that much or if she just knows when not to try. If her kids were dangling from a cliff (no danger to the mother) would she help then? I guess I see her as a character who acts with her mind and not her heart, and that is a creative yet somewhat disturbing of a kind of mother. I say good job on the depth and uniqueness you gave her compared to other mothers in the LBT universe.

The kids seemed to be the exact opposite of the mother, like a character foil. They ONLY thought with their hearts and ignored logic, their minds, completely. Their energy and decision reminds me of Ducky from movie II, how she leapt onto that sharptooth and attacked, only to realize later the lack of logic and presence of danger in her choice.  If you had made a character that combined the kids and the mother, it would have been an average one, so it was creative basing three characters on an imbalance of mindset.  The Mysterious Beyond has been underplayed a lot in the series, so it was refreshing to see the cold, hard truth of living with carnivores nearby. The fighting scene seemed to progress a bit slowly in terms of picturing it though. It reminded me of how RPG bosses work, how they seem to give openings so the player can attack rather than going all out the whole time, and this took away some suspense from the danger. This was also done by the narrations of the fight being short and interrupted often by dialogue. The ending was cool though, as not many people expect the “bad guy” to win in the end, and surprise endings are the best. The ending was very mysterious, which I loved, because the reader can’t tell if this was an example of the Mysterious Beyond in general, meaning we’ll see a completely different set of characters and this was just a way to show how things in this area are, or if those characters will remain the focus throughout. Some extra grammar proofreading and a detail increase would have helped, but the story is still enjoyable and serves as a good starting point for a great story. I’d give this prologue a 7/10.

[vonboy]

Thanks for the feedback and reviews so far, everyone!

@Malte and TFS: That was more of an overlook on my part, about the mother not acting as motherly. Although TFS's explanation is nice, that it's more showing the harsh realities of those time.

@LBTLover: Yes, I already have the plot planned out. I wrote out several pages of plot for this a few months ago.

Here's the next part!

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Part 2

GREAT VALLEY - NEAR THE FLYER NEST - NIGHT

The scene fades to a lush valley. It is night time, and a fierce lightning storm is pelting the peaceful valley with rain and flashes of light. The camera moves to show a burning tree that has fallen over against a cliff side. The worried murmers and yells of dinosaurs can be heard. The view moves to a varied group of dinosaurs. An injured flyer lays on the ground.

THREEHORN: What are we going to do?

MOTHER FLYER: Someone has to go save my children! Please!

As the fires continue to burn, a shadow appears from out of some nearby bushes. The residents of the Valley scream out in terror as they realize that it's a small sharptooth.

LONGNECK: Sharptooth!

The little sharptooth starts to climb up the tree, trying to reach the nest near the top.

FLYER: My babies! He's after my babies!

The sharptooth makes it to the top, and jumps off of the tree to the nest. From seemingly nowhere, a young girl's voice is heard.

???: So, what happened next, Mr. THICKNOSE?

GREAT VALLEY - AFTERNOON

The scene suddenly switches to a present Great Valley. An old (very old!) thicknose is standing in a forest clearing with young dinosaurs of all kinds around him, listening to his story. There's a female longneck and Swimmer, and a male threehorn, spiketail, and flyer.

THREEHORN: Humpth! Would you quiet down and let him finish the story, LITTLEFOOT?

SWIMMER: You don't have to be so mean about it, TOPS.

LITTLEFOOT: Yeah, Tops. I'm just excited, it all. Now, go on Mr. Thicknose, please.

MR.THICKNOSE: Very well.

the old story teller clears his throat.

MR.THICKNOSE: The residents of the Great Valley were distraught. Things just seemed to get worse, and they didn't know what to do. After a few moments of worry, the sharptooth came out of the cliff, sliding down the burning with the poor young flyers in his arms!

FLYER: Ooh, that sounds scary!

SWIMMER: Yes ARIES, it does. Poor flyers.

LITTLEFOOT: I think it's okay, LAVENDER. This is supposed to be a good story, isn't it?

TOPS: So, where's the part where the sharptooth eats those flyers he caught?

MR.THICKNOSE: Oh, he doesn't eat them.

TOPS: It doesn't? Isn't that what they're supposed to do?

MR.THICKNOSE: Well, this little fella had a different goal in mind. He slowly made his way back to the leafeaters, and brought the flyers back to their mother.

TOPS: This story doesn't make any sense! Like a sharptooth would ever rescue a bunch of flyers.

MR.THICKNOSE: Believe it or not, there do exist more peaceful sharpteeth in the world.

TOPS: Humpth! Really? Because I've never seen any!

MR.THICKNOSE: Yes there is, and one of them lived in this very valley!

LITTLEFOOT: Now could you stop, Tops, and let Mr. Thicknose finish the story? I really want to hear how it ends.

TOPS: I'm just trying to clear things up. This old dinosaur doesn't seem to know what he's talking about.

MR.THICKNOSE: If you don't believe me, then you can ask you parents.

TOPS: What would they know?

MR.THICKNOSE: They used to know him, of course!

LITTLEFOOT: (Gasps) Really?

MR.THICKNOSE: Oh my yes.

LITTLEFOOT: Then I'm gonna do just that! I'll ask my dad about it!

TOPS: I'll ask my mom about it too, so I can clear up this silly little hatchling story!

From off in the distance, a pink fast runner walks up to the group. The longneck is the first one to turn her gaze to see her.

LITTLEFOOT: Hey, look, it's RUBY!

RUBY: Why, hello to all of my little friends, all of my little friends hello!

MR.THICKNOSE: Has it really been that long already?

RUBY: Yes, Mr.Thicknose. It's time to end storytime for today.

LAVENDER: Aww, really?

LITTLEFOOT: Can't we hear just a little bit more?

suddenly, Mr. Thicknose coughs uncontrollably for several second, then lays down.

ARIES: Are you okay, Mr. Thicknose?

Mr.Thicknose: I'm okay, but I think that's all I can utter for today. You'll have to come back some other time for the rest of the story.

LITTLEFOOT: Aww.

RUBY: Now come on everyone. Mr. Thicknose will tell you another story tomorrow, but the bright circle is going down, and I need to take you back to your nests.

LITTLEFOOT: Oh, alright.

Littlefoot reluctantly starts to follow Ruby.

TOPS: Humpth! Just as well. I was getting tired of his tall tales!

The threehorn starts to strut off with the hatchling-sitter fast runner.

LAVENDER: It's okay, Littlefoot.

Lavender walks over to the young spiketail of the group, and climbs on his back.

LAVENDER: Come on PETE, let's get going.

Pete sighs lightly, and starts strolling off towards Ruby.

ARIES: Hey, wait for me everybody!

The flyer takes off to the skies over the group.

TO BE CONTINUED

(The character names Lavender, Pete, and Aries were suggested to me by Trulyfantasticme. Just wanted to make sure she gets the credit for that. )

[trulyfantasticme]

OMG!! I can't believe I forgot about those names!   It was so long ago!

Now, that was an awesome story, vonbob! Or at least so far. I liked the introduction. Very suspensful! And I like suspense in stories! Totally gets mah heart poundin!

You did a few grammar errors, though. For Ruby is a fast RUNNER! Not fast BITER!  

[vonboy]

Thanks Hannah!

Well, here's the next part. I'm getting a lot of writing done, both on this and season 3 of PAST-O-RAMA, so another part of this should be up in a few days.

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Part 3

GREAT VALLEY - FLYER NEST - AFTERNOON

A flyer nest is nestled in the side of a cliff From atop the nest, an adult flyer takes off. He dips into a nearby river, and reemerges from the watery depths with a fish in his beak. He lands on the river banks, slings his catch in the air, and swallows it whole.

FLYER: Mmm, Not bad!

A female flyer lands next to him.

FEMALE FLYER: How about me, PETRIE?

PETRIE: Oh, me forgot. Sorry about that.

He takes off towards the waters again, while Ruby and her entourage comes up to the scene.

FEMALE FLYER: Ah, look, dear! It's Ruby with our little one!

Petrie breaks the water, and lands again on the banks. He slings his fish to the mother
flyer.

PETRIE: Here you go!

FEMALE FLYER: Thank you!

PETRIE: Oh, hello Ruby, Hello everybody!

LITTLEFOOT: Hello.

TOPS: Humpth!

RUBY: We'll be going now. We have a lot of nests to go to still, yes.

PETRIE: Goodbye Ruby! Me see you tomorrow!

Ruby and the Gang walk off, while Petrie turns to his family.

PETRIE: Time for bed, everybody!

Petrie and most of the kids head up to the nest. The mother flyer takes off, but Aries calls out.

ARIES: Um, mom?

The mother turns around, and lands near the little flyer.

MOTHER FLYER: Yes, dear?

ARIES: Why does dad talk... um... funny?

MOTHER FLYER: Well, son. When he was very little, he fell out of a tree. The ground was very hard and cracked, and he shot right through it. Everybody thinks that kind of... did something to his noggin. You understand?

ARIES: Yes, I think so.

MOTHER FLYER: Now, go back to the nest and find a good place to rest.

ARIES: Alright, mom, I'm going.

GREAT VALLEY - SWIMMER NEST - AFTERNOON

A female swimmer is in the middle of a pond. she dips her head underwater, grabs some of the water reeds and grass at the pond's bottom, and returns to the surface to chew on them. From off in the distance, a young swimmer's voice is heard.

LAVENDER: Mommy!

The large swimmer turns around to see the group.

SWIMMER: Ah, it is my little Lavender! And also Ruby and her other friends.

RUBY: Hello DUCKY.

LITTLEFOOT: Yes, hello Mrs. Swimmer.

RUBY: I'll just be on my way, as I have a few more little ones to take back to their nests.

DUCKY: Well, goodbye then, Ruby.

LAVENDER: I'll say goodby too, Ruby.

Ruby and the rest of the group walk off. Ducky turns to her daughter.

DUCKY: Now Lavender, what did I tell you about talking proper?

LAVENDER: Aw, why've I got to talk proper, Mom? None of my other friends talk like that. They all talk like this.

DUCKY: I am not talking about your friends here, Lavender. It is only right to talk proper, as it is how adults speak.

LAVENDER: Well, I don't want to!

DUCKY: (Sighs) You will have to someday, dear.

GREAT VALLEY - SPIKETAIL NEST - AFTERNOON

A large spiketail is eating from a low tree. The large beast pulls off a massive mess of leaves, and starts chewing on them. Ruby and her gang walk up to the spiketail.

RUBY: Hello to you, SPIKE.

Spike looks on with a friendly smile, but says nothing. Pete takes off from behind Ruby, and nuzzles Spike affectionately.

RUBY: (Giggles.) I know you two aren't much for words, so I'll just take Littlefoot and Tops back, but I still love you, my friend.

As the group leaves, Pete goes to Spike's tree and starts stuffing his mouth.

GREAT VALLEY - LONGNECK NEST - EVENING

An adult longneck is eating leaves from a tall tree. Another longneck stomps up to him, this one a female.

FEMALE LONGNECK: Afternoon, Littlefoot!

MALE LONGNECK: ALI! Don't you know how much I hate being called Littlefoot now.

ALI: (Giggling) Yes, I know, Littlefoot.

the male longneck sighs.

ALI: But then why did we have to call our daughter Littlefoot, Littlefoot?

MALE LONGNECK: We've gone over this before, dear. I named her Littlefoot because it's a family tradition. My father was named Littlefoot when he was hatched, I was when I was hatched, and now our daughter. And remember? I said you can name her when she's older. Bron named me THUNDERFOOT later on, so you can name her something.

A female threehorn walks up to the couple, catching Thunderfoot's eyes.

THUNDERFOOT: Ah, it's CERA!

Cera: Looks like you two are having fun.

ALI: No, just a little talk.

THUNDERFOOT: So, how's your day been?

CERA: Not too bad, I guess.

From off in the distance, a deep sound of thuds can be heard, while the ground trembles slightly.

THUNDERFOOT: What's that?

CERA: Must be that herd of spiketails. I heard they were coming soon.

THUNDERFOOT: What news do you bring of the outside?

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: (Sighs) It's just as dangerous as ever.

THUNDERFOOT: Wait, Where's your leader?

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: I'm the leader now. If you're talking about my father... a sharptooth got him.

THUNDERFOOT: I'm so sorry to hear that. Did you try to help him?

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: That would have been foolish, though my two little ones tried.

The mother's two young stand under her, looking discouraged.

THUNDERFOOT: That was a crazy thing to do!

YOUNg SPIKETAIL #1: Yeah, we know.

CERA: What was this sharptooth like?

The herd of spiketails start murmuring amongst themselves.

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: One of those big stomper sharpteeth. A giant, horrific beast.

SPIKETAIL #1: He was a terrible shade of blue.

SPIKETIAL #2: Actually, he looked more purple to me.

THUNDERFOOT: Really? He looked like that?

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Yes, he did.

CERA: Humpth!

Thunderfoot stares at Cera glaringly for a moment, before returning a sorrowful gaze at the herd of spiketails.

THUNDERFOOT: Well, you're all welcome to stay here in the Great Valley as long as you like.

CERA: But...

THUNDERFOOT: I already know what your about to say, Cera, but we always have enough room here.

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Thank you so much for your hospitality, longneck. We'll be staying for a few days, to rest our tired feet.

THUNDERFOOT: ... Sounds like you need it.

She turns around to her herd.

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Come on, everyone. I see a nice spot of green over yonder.

The herd follows their leader away from Thunderfoot, Ali, and Cera. Just then, Ruby walks up to the group with her last two followers, Littlefoot and Tops, in tow.

RUBY: Good evening, Mr. Longneck.

Tunderfoot: Oh, hello there, Ruby.

RUBY: And hello to you too, Ms. Threehorn.

CERA: Hey.

RUBY: Well, here's the younglings. I'll be on my way then.

Ruby walks off, while the two children rush to their parents.

LITTLEFOOT: Father? I have a little question for you.

TOPS: Me too!

THUNDERFOOT: Yes, dear?

LITTLEFOOT: Well, it's just that Mr. Thicknose told us an interesting story today, and I just wanna know if it's true or not.

CERA: Ah, that crazy old coot! What did he blather on about this time?"

LITTLEFOOT: Well, he said...

TOPS: He said something about a friendly sharptooth!

THUNDERFOOT: Really?

LITTLFOOT: Yeah.

TOPS: He said some nonsense about how there used to one that lived here, and that you two knew it!"

LITTLEFOOT: Yeah, and I was just wondering if it was true or not. Um, is there really such a thing as a friendly sharptooth?

THUNDERFOOT: Your asking ME?

TOPS: Of course!

THUNDERFOOT: Well... um...

CERA: I'd like to know too, Littlefoot. Come on, tell us, o great leader!

Thunderfoot glances off towards the spiketail herd in the distance and sighs.

THUNDERFOOT: Oh... well...no. No, there isn't such a thing, girl.

TOPS: I knew it!

LITTLEFOOT: Really? You mean... Mr. Thicknose lied?

THUNDERFOOT: Look... I'm sure Mr. Thicknose meant well, but he's just telling you stories for fun. You're just supposed to get enjoyment out of them. Nothing more.

Littlefoot lowers her head

LITTLEFOOT: Yeah, I guess you're right, dad.

ALI: Now come along dear. It's time to sleep.

CERA: Yeah, it's time for you too, little fella.

TOPS: Don't call me little!

Cera giggles lightly.

CERA: Aw, I know. Just playing with ya.

Littlefoot follows Ali and Thunderfoot as they head out for their nest, still looking disappointed.

TO BE CONTINUED

[Mama's Girl]

Well I discovered and read your new story, just didn't review last time like I'm sort of bad about doing. Anyway, I like it. So if this is the same spiketails as before, I wonder if Tippy will make an appearance. He doesn't have to, just saying, and yeah, pretty curious why Littlefoot/Thunderfoot is hiding mentioning Chomper, but something tells me you'll clear that up.

[The Friendly Sharptooth]

Chapter One Review:

The worried murmers and yells of dinosaurs can be heard. The view moves to a varied group of dinosaurs. An injured flyer lays on the ground.

The plural of murmur is murmurs, not murmers. Lay means to set something down, so it should be lie, not lay.

The worried murmurs and yells of dinosaurs can be heard. The view moves to a varied group of dinosaurs. An injured flyer lies on the ground.

As the fires continue to burn, a shadow appears from out of some nearby bushes.

Unnecessary words. Saying “from” already means out of in this context.

As the fires continue to burn, a shadow appears from some nearby bushes.

The residents of the Valley scream out in terror as they realize that it's a small sharptooth.

Only capitalize proper nouns. Either use the whole name of the valley and keep the capitalization, or drop the capital here.

The residents of the valley scream out in terror as they realize that it's a small sharptooth.

The residents of the Great Valley scream out in terror as they realize that it's a small sharptooth.

FLYER: My babies! He's after my babies!

The sharptooth makes it to the top, and jumps off of the tree to the nest. From seemingly nowhere, a young girl's voice is heard.

Okay, now you’ve lost me. So, he was climbing a tree to reach a nest near the top of it, then he JUMPS OFF the tree to get to the nest? Now how does that work? I’m going to guess that you mean the sharptooth climbed the burning tree that led up to the nest on the CLIFF. I have to guess because- the story doesn’t say! The beginning says the tree fell against a cliff, but it does not say where the nest is. If he is climbing the burning tree, a comment about being burned or not burned, I’d say, is in order. “He climbed the tree, ignoring the burning heat against his flesh as it brought an agonizing sensation because it was worth it.” “He managed to move fast enough that the flames didn’t linger on his skin long enough to burn him.” Now if you’re saying the nest is on the cliff (hence having to jump off the tree) say cliff. The little sharptooth starts to climb up the tree, trying to reach the nest near the top of the ledge. Thirdly, how can a sharptooth climb a tree in this scene? Let’s look at the three different scenarios:

The tree is long and fell from far away, so the incline is pretty flat, barely steep at all:

If he has to climb it a long time, the fire will burn him!

The tree is short and fell from close by, so the incline is pretty steep:

Sharpteeth can’t climb steep stuff!

The tree is medium in height and fell from a medium distance:

He would be slowed enough that he couldn’t climb NOR escape being burned.

Furthermore, in the rain, wood would be so slippery that even Ducky would have trouble climbing it. If the sharptooth had to dig his claws in the bark to keep hold, say so! And another thing. If it’s a SMALL sharptooth, why is everyone afraid of it and screaming? Remember when Ali’s herd saw Chomper? They were all GRRR and stuff, not AHHH and stuff.

An old (very old!) thicknose is standing in a forest clearing with young dinosaurs of all kinds around him, listening to his story.

The parenthesis makes it sound like the narrator is telling this story to an audience, then suddenly whispered to it. It just sounds out of place outside of dialogue. Names need to be capitalized.

A very old Thicknose is standing in a forest clearing with young dinosaurs of all kinds around him, listening to his story.

There's a female longneck and Swimmer, and a male threehorn, spiketail, and flyer.

/Singsong voice Consiii-stancyyy! Don’t capitalize one type of dinosaur but not the rest.

There's a female Longneck and Swimmer, and a male Threehorn, Spiketail, and Flyer.

There's a female longneck and swimmer, and a male threehorn, spiketail, and flyer.

Furthermore on this note:

???: So, what happened next, Mr. THICKNOSE?
LITTLEFOOT: Yeah, Tops. I'm just excited, it all. Now, go on Mr. Thicknose, please.

So, um, are names fully capitalized in your universe or not?

THREEHORN: Humpth! Would you quiet down and let him finish the story, LITTLEFOOT?

Humpth? Did you try saying that out loud? It sounds like someone got his or her two top front teeth knocked out. Littlefut, thtop dune that! Iths bothrun meh.

THREEHORN: Humph! Would you quiet down and let him finish the story, LITTLEFOOT?

LITTLEFOOT: Yeah, Tops. I'm just excited, it all. Now, go on Mr. Thicknose, please.

“That’s” all, not “it” all.

LITTLEFOOT: Yeah, Tops. I'm just excited, that’s all. Now, go on Mr. Thicknose, please.

the old story teller clears his throat.

Capital words begin a sentence. Also, storyteller is one word.

The old storyteller clears his throat.

MR.THICKNOSE: The residents of the Great Valley were distraught. Things just seemed to get worse, and they didn't know what to do. After a few moments of worry, the sharptooth came out of the cliff, sliding down the burning with the poor young flyers in his arms!

Hold the phone. A tiny little sharptooth, one so small that a tree can support his weight, enters the scene and distresses all the residents and things get worse? Are these like the most cowardice grownups in history? It’s funny trying to picture an entire valley terrified of a tiny sharptooth, but it’s not realistic. Maybe if this was a comedy or something…  Secondly, you have peaked my curiosity but overpowered anything my imagination can conjure. We have a tiny sharptooth SURROUNDED BY THE ENTIRE HERD OF A VALLEY, and things GOT WORSE? What did he do, burp so much the grownups got grossed out? Did he try singing and hurt their ears? Did he look so cute they had to fight every notion of their being to resist hugging him? You gotta tell us how a tiny sharptooth in the Great valley could make things get worse. I can’t even make a single guess.  Secondly, burning TREE, not just burning. Okay, so he has some flyers in his arms, and… the dozens of grownups are just watching, paralyzed with fear at the child? Were they afraid of being sued for child abuse if they lifted a finger?

SWIMMER: Yes ARIES, it does. Poor flyers.

Direct addresses need a comma before them.

SWIMMER: Yes, ARIES, it does. Poor flyers.

MR.THICKNOSE: Oh, he doesn't eat them.

TOPS: It doesn't? Isn't that what they're supposed to do?

Order! /Slams down gavel Order! One more raised eyebrow and I will clear the courtroom. Proceed.

Thank you, your honor. My client was sitting down, reading a fan fiction, when all of a sudden, a single noun was converted from a “he” to an “it” then to a “they.” The evidence is irrefutable that he used inconsistent pronouns! See for yourself. That is all.

The jury murmurs.

Any further questions on behalf of the defendant? Very well, this court will hold a two hour recess as the jury reaches their decision.

Two hours and one minute later…

Has the jury reached a unanimous decision?

We have, your honor. We find the defendant- guilty as charged.

Vonboy, you are sentenced to change two of your pronouns so that they are all consistent. Court adjourned. /Slams down gavel

MR.THICKNOSE: Oh, he doesn't eat them.

TOPS: He doesn't? Isn't that what his kind is supposed to do?

MR.THICKNOSE: Well, this little fella had a different goal in mind. He slowly made his way back to the leafeaters, and brought the flyers back to their mother.

Saying “back” twice sounds redundant. Secondly, your coordinating conjunction is not followed by an independent clause, so you need to remove the comma.

MR.THICKNOSE: Well, this little fella had a different goal in mind. He slowly returned to the leafeaters and brought the flyers back to their mother.

TOPS: Humpth! Really? Because I've never seen any!

There go those missing front teeth again.

TOPS: Humph! Really? Because I've never seen any!

MR.THICKNOSE: Yes there is, and one of them lived in this very valley!

“Yes” is an interjection, so bring on the comma!

MR.THICKNOSE: Yes, there is, and one of them lived in this very valley!

MR.THICKNOSE: If you don't believe me, then you can ask you parents.

“Your,” not “you.”

MR.THICKNOSE: If you don't believe me, then you can ask your parents.

MR.THICKNOSE: Oh my yes.

“Oh my” is one of those interjection phrase type things, so separate them with a comma.

MR.THICKNOSE: Oh my, yes.

The longneck is the first one to turn her gaze to see her.

Let’s see here… What? He turned- her face- to see it better? He got her attention so she turned to him? If you mean he turned to look at her, change the first “her” to a “his.”

The longneck is the first one to turn his gaze to see her.

RUBY: Why, hello to all of my little friends, all of my little friends hello!

To really mirror that, you need to- really mirror that.

RUBY: Why, hello to all of my little friends, to all of my little friends, hello!

RUBY: Yes, Mr.Thicknose. It's time to end storytime for today.

Story time is just that- two words.

RUBY: Yes, Mr.Thicknose. It's time to end story time for today.

suddenly, Mr. Thicknose coughs uncontrollably for several second, then lays down.

Capitalize the first word of a sentence, seconds, not second, the last comma is not needed, and he lies down, not lays, unless you say he lays himself down.

Suddenly, Mr. Thicknose coughs uncontrollably for several seconds then lies down.

Suddenly, Mr. Thicknose coughs uncontrollably for several seconds then lays himself down.

RUBY: Now come on everyone. Mr. Thicknose will tell you another story tomorrow, but the bright circle is going down, and I need to take you back to your nests.

I would like to take direct addresses for 200.

Okay, here’s the question. Whether it’s a pronoun or not, when a direct address takes place, what needs to come before it if placed at the end of a sentence?

What is a semicolon?

Incorrect.

/Ding

Ashley?

What is a comma?

Correct for 200.

RUBY: Now come on, everyone. Mr. Thicknose will tell you another story tomorrow, but the bright circle is going down, and I need to take you back to your nests.

TOPS: Humpth! Just as well. I was getting tired of his tall tales!

Okay, is he actually missing some teeth?

TOPS: Humph! Just as well. I was getting tired of his tall tales!

Lavender walks over to the young spiketail of the group, and climbs on his back.

There once was a clause of potential bright,
Yet is struggled to work each day and night.
I took one good look,
Checked my dear my grammar book,
And said, “Golly gee whiz, what a plight!”

There I saw a conjunction just sitting around,
But to my dismay, it was a comma I found!
Dependent was a side,
So my mouth opened wide:
Just bury that comma in the ground!

Lavender walks over to the young spiketail of the group and climbs on his back.

LAVENDER: Come on PETE, let's get going.

Direct address + sentence = comma. Secondly, that is two sentences, so a period, not a second comma.

LAVENDER: Come on, PETE. Let's get going.

Pete sighs lightly, and starts strolling off towards Ruby.

Okay, let me explain this in all seriousness. There are seven conjunctions called coordinating conjunctions. And, but, or, nor, yet, so, for. When you use these to separate two clauses in a sentence, here is the comma rule: If both sides are independent (can stand as a single sentence) a comma goes before the conjunction. If one side cannot stand alone (having no subject, for example) you do not put a comma.

Mary ran to the store, and her sister followed. Mary ran to the store can stand alone so is independent. Her sister followed can stand alone so is independent. That being said, we have a comma.

Mary ran to the store and followed her sister. Mary ran to the store can stand alone so is independent. HOWEVER, followed her sister is a fragment (dependent) so you do NOT put a comma before the coordinating conjunction.

Pete sighs lightly and starts strolling off towards Ruby.

ARIES: Hey, wait for me everybody!

Direct address here.

ARIES: Hey, wait for me, everybody!

Let’s talk about the story now, eh? I found it to be very interesting how you made the blend a combination of movie VI and VIII. We have the parallel of a story being told then interrupted combined with Mr. Thicknose speaking to all the kids. I don’t find the combo purely from VIII, as there, he was teaching, not storytelling to entertain like grandpa in VI. This was a great way to capture our attention- a sharptooth attack on a stormy night. In fact, you built up so much suspense, made the opening so interesting, that the readers just so happened to be as annoyed by the interruption as the characters were- clever.  It was very touching having his name continue to be passed down throughout the generations. At the very least, you made the name Littlefoot carry on for three generations, a very wise observation of Littlefoot from the movies and how he was named. I can’t literally say everyone was kept in character because you created OC’s, but I can say you kept families canon, as the kids behaved as their obvious families did. You added realistic details like having old Mr. Thicknose clear his throat and cough later on. (Hopefully not a foreshadowing that he’s going to die soon.) I loved the development you gave Mr. Thicknose from VIII, as he is much softer from having an interruption than before.  In fact, he doesn’t even comment on being interrupted, just lets it go, and even waits for a prompt from one of the children before continuing. His increasing age and past experiences have really made him a very gentle character.

I feel it could have been more interesting if the end of the story in the story went back to story mode. Explaining what the sharptooth did, I feel, took a little bit of the impact away than if you made a scene about it. Like astonished expressions, his humble behavior, the storm dying down, things like that. I see a parallel (intended or not) between Pterano’s The Past That Yawns Behind story. His too had a character living in the valley act as a sort of child watcher who makes sure they get to bed. It’s a great idea and added a really nice touch to the story, not only explaining that Ruby is still there but also giving us her role in the valley. It’s nice when two stories use the same idea in both affective and different ways. The children really follow after their parents which is realistic but sort of takes away the “new magic” feel of the next generation. Lavender, the new Ducky, still tells the spiketail when it’s time to go and rides on him. Tops, the new Cera, is still irritable and bossy. The new Littlefoot is cheerful and reasonable, also expressing his disappointment. The new Spike lets the swimmer ride on his back. The new flyer shows concern just like Petrie had. If you want to model kids after their parents, to make a unique story, you need changes besides just the name. Increase and decrease traits, add new ones, and so forth. Maybe the new Cera apologizes after being bossy, like suddenly realizing having been wrong. Maybe the new Spike character is very picky with food but still eats a lot of it.

The story held my interest the whole time. I did not grow bored or find the chapter to be too long. The story was pretty believable and definitely creative. One problem I had though is the transition from the prologue. The prologue has absolutely nothing to do with the first chapter. It would be like me writing a prologue about hamburgers on the moon then writing a chapter about girls in skimpy bathing suits talking about which guys are the cutest. Just what is the connection? This story shows good writing skills in both format and being engrossing. The vast array of grammar mistakes makes it seem rushed, though the quality of the plot hides that during the read. There were some confusing parts and some that could have been described much better to help paint a picture in readers’ heads, but this chapter was an improve over the prologue and a fun read.  I’d give this chapter a 7.5/10.

[vonboy]

So sorry for taking so long, folks! I just decided to cut some from this part, as it was starting to get pretty long, and I wanted to finally have something up already for you guys to read. Enjoy.

And thanks for the reviews, TFS!

-----------------------------------

Part 4

GREAT VALLEY - THUNDERING FALLS - NOON

Tops, Lavender, Pete, and Aries are in the lake at the base of the Thundering Falls, splashing around water and laughing.

Tops is swimming through the waters, looking around himself nervously.

TOPS: Hmm. Where is she?

A dark spot appears in the water behind him. It slowly closes in on him, before Lavender comes out of the water and splashes the nervous threehorn.

TOPS: Ahhh!

LAVENDER: Got you!

TOPS: Dangit!

The disappointed threehorn starts swimming towards shore, while Aries flies right up to lavender.

ARIES Ha, that means I win!

LAVENDER: Yeah, it does, little guy. Good job!

TOPS: Humpth! The only reason he won is because he never touched the water. He was flying the whole time!

ARIES: "What's wrong with that?

TOPS: It's cheating, that's what's wrong with it!

LAVENDER: So what? We're just playing for fun! It doesn't matter who wins, just as long as we have fun with it!

TOPS: Whatever.

The group swims and flies to shore, as the view pans over to Littlefoot, who's laying on the banks of the lake, thinking. Lavender notices Littlefoot, and walks up to her.

LAVENDER: What's wrong, Littlefoot?

LITTLEFOOT: Well, it's just that I can't stop thinking about old Mr. Thicknose's story.

ARIES: The one with the sharptooth?

LITTLEFOOT: Yeah.

TOPS: Well, you know what your dad said.

LITTLEFOOT: Yeah, I know, but I just can't get it out of my head.

LAVENDER: Maybe you just need something else in your head, like a game!

LITTLEFOOT: Hmm, I don't know. Maybe.

ARIES: Yeah, we could play something, couldn't we?

The longneck's head shoots up.

LITTLEFOOT: We could hear another story from Mr. Thicknose!

LAVENDER: Well, no. I don't think we can listen to a story today.

LITTLEFOOT: Really? Why not?

LAVENDER: Well, Ruby told me that she talked to him this morning, and he wasn't feeling very good.

Littlefoot lowers her head again.

LITTELFOOT: Then I guess that's that.

TOPS: Ah, I bet it wouldn't be that fun anyway. He'd just tell some other little hatchling story!

ARIES: Then, what are we going to do?

LAVENDER: What about those two little spiketails from that herd that came in?

ARIES: Oh, right! I'm sure they'd want to play something!

LITTLEFOOT: Alright, let's go everybody!

The whole Gang rush off towards the spiketail herd. Pete slowly follows, annoyed.

GREAT VALLEY - GRASSY FIELD - AFTERNOON

The spiketail herd is at the edge of a large forest, eating their fill.

LITTLEFOOT: Hello, mam. Uh, we heard there was some little spiketails in this herd.

LAVENDER: Yup. Would they wanna play?

The spiketail mother looks on at them with a half smile.

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Thank you for asking, little ones, but I really don't think they'd feel like playing.

ARIES: Not wanna play?

TOPS: That's kind of weird.

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Well, it's just they've both been through a lot the last couple days.

LITTLEFOOT: Could we ask them and see?

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: Well, sure you can. they're right over yonder.

She points to the a tree stump in the distance.

LITTLEFOOT: Oh, thanks!

LAVENDER: Yeah, thanks!

They start off in that direction.

SPIKETAIL MOTHER: I just don't think you'll get much out of them right now.

The young Gang walks up to the stump. It's a massive stump, leftover from some long-gone tree that must have been hundreds of years old. The two young spiketail's are lying there, in deep trances.

LITTLEFOOT: Hello.

They don't respond.

LITTLEFOOT: Um, hello?

They still remain silent, making Tops annoyed.

TOPS: HEY! Are you two even there!?

The two spiketails jump up in surprise.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1 and #2: AHH!

They look at the Gang for a moment, confused.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: What... what do you want?

LITTLEFOOT: We were just wondering if you wanted to play with us!

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #2: Er... no thanks. I just wanna stay right here for now.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: Yeah. Me too.

They both set back down to think.

LITTLEFOOT: Wow, this is... weird.

LAVENDER: I wonder what is going on with them.

TOPS: Sound like some freaks to me!

Pete shrugs, before walking up to the stump, and sitting down next to them to think.

LITTLEFOOT: Um... what's going on?

SPIKETAIL YOUNG #1: We're just thinking, is all.

SPIKETAIL YOUNG #2: Yeah. Thinking.

PETE: Hmm...

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: It was just so unreal at first. I didn't know what to think of it. Maybe he was just playing around I thought.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #2: Then he knocked grandpa over. That... sharptooth knocked him over.

YOUNG SPIKETAIL #1: We tried to stop him, but we couldn't do anything, and he...

The spiketails just start to tear up and sob quietly.

ARIES: You mean, you're grandpa died?

The two spiketails just shakes their heads. Pete stays there, thinking.

LITTLEFOOT: Wow, I'm sorry to hear that.

LAVENDER: Maybe we should just leave them alone for now.

ARIES: Yeah. That would be right, I think.

The Gang starts to walk off from the pair. Pete gets up, takes another look at them, and follows. A moment later, TOPS comes back. He steps up to the pair, his head low to the ground.

TOPS: Um... I am kinda... sorry for bursting out like that. I... didn't know.

He runs off to join the rest.

TO BE CONTINUED

[The Friendly Sharptooth]

Chapter Two Review (Part Three):

The chapter was definitely unique. Most of it seemed best suited for an introduction or conclusion, not a middle chapter, as nothing really “happened.” It was basically character development to show more of how the adults are, the children are, and how they get along together. In fact, were it not for the second half which references to the spiketail herd from the prologue and Mr. Thicknose’s story from chapter one, I would have said that this would be better suited in the opening or ending, as it was, again, just setting up the characters.

I found it very interesting that the author alluded to an artist mistake in The Land Before Time Universe. Chomper was blue originally but his color was messed up by later artists causing him to be purple. True, colors do get lighter or darker with age, but not change to a different altogether, at least not to such a blatant degree. So, to the sharptooth I assume is Chomper in this, one of the children said he was blue while another said purple, a very clever joke for a LBT fan who knows the color scheme history. It would be similar to Ducky remarking how Spike tripled in size in mere moments in story. He also creatively used a scene from the original movie to explain something that fans have wondered, and instead of aimless exposition, he had a character in the story ask about it while the mother explained. It is curious how she knew this, as Petrie hitting his head doesn’t seem like that great of reminiscing material, but it doesn’t hurt anything (no pun intended). More is exposed when he has Littlefoot’s new name to be Thunderfoot, the original name he was to have in the movie. We see more and more canon history such as the Littlefoot tradition and Ducky’s speaking properly and teaching her child such, so the author has proven to be highly knowledgeable in his field.

Ruby did not retain her way of speaking in this story, so she got tired of it, her friends got tired of it, or the author forgot that she reverses most of her statements. Her personality remained intact, but the style in which it was portrayed is not visible in this. Spike, on the other hand, still prefers not to talk, keeping his character very canon. Though Littlefoot talks differently, it makes sense, as he did not veer off from his childhood personality, but rather, has clearly just matured a great deal. Having him use his childhood name as a unisex name was also rather clever.

This chapter brings the side story of the prologue and the main storyline together very well. It also brings a strong sense of mystery into the Great Valley’s life. Littlefoot obviously did not forget about the friendly sharptooth, so it seems Chomper has done something terrible to cause Littlefoot to hide his existence. I know he is not ashamed of having such a friend, so again, there must be rough waters between them, likely his present need for meat, that has caused such tension between them. At this point, it would seem that the long-lost friend of the story’s title is referring to the relationship either between Littlefoot and Chomper specifically or Chomper’s relationship with the whole gang. The merge of characters also brightly highlights how the grown kids are much like their parents, as the scene when the spiketails enter follows the same dialogue of welcome/concern/confirmation that Littlefoot’s grandfather and Cera’s father partook in.

Some may feel that Littlefoot is lying when he says there is no friendly sharptooth. However, look closely, and you will see that he did no such thing. He said that there isn’t such a thing, not that there WASN’T. He was saying that right here and now, there is no friendly sharptooth he knows of, not that one never existed in the past. Therefore, we can justly assume they got a fight, as if Chomper had simply parted ways with him peacefully, you’d assume the friendly image would still be in existence. Now look at this line: “Look... I'm sure Mr. Thicknose meant well, but he's just telling you stories for fun. You're just supposed to get enjoyment out of them. Nothing more.” Again, TRUE statement. Littlefoot never said Mr. Thicknose lied, just that he tells stories for fun. If he had lied, it would show reversion from his lesson in the eleventh movie, so the author wisely avoided it.

The ending seems to foreshadow that Littlefoot and Tops will meet Chomper. When a chapter ends with two main characters disappointed about something, one can safely assume they will not be for long, especially this early in a story. I enjoyed this chapter most of all, and I give it an eighth out of ten. There were loads and loads of grammar issues (which I was asked to ignore from here on in my reviews in terms of saying what they are) which took away from the flow as they distract people who watch for such things. The plot, however, was very fun to read, though mostly after the character explaining section was over. That stuff is good, but it belongs on ends of a story, not in the middle. I can see a bit of showing personalities midway, but ONLY if there is something else happening in the background. Pure showing of character before any trial comes is like bread; you want sustenance in between it. To avoid confusion, by beginning I mean when characters are first introduced, not necessarily the first chapter or prologue. Good author, good story, fun time.

[StrutEggStealer]

Hey there
I really like this so far. As with PAST-O-RAMA, I like how it's in the structure of a script. I got a little confused when you introduced the Gang's kids, because I didn't know who was who. But as I read on, it made more sense

I won't bother with grammar is it's really not that bad, just a couple typos, etc.. happens to me all the time... lol

But I am wondering, why doesn't Ruby have kids? Also, where is Pterano? I'm assuming it has passed five cold times... really interested to know more about Chomper's past, it sounds like something REALLY BAD happened

And that little part about Petrie talking funny, aw, Poor, Poor Petrie  
All in all, great writing and I cannot wait to read more^^

[Fyn16]

Very original idea with the script, and I really like your OCs. You prologue really intrigued me, as it shows a grittier side of the dinosaurs' world. After all, in the Mysterious Beyond, there isn't always a happy ending. I could picture everything in this script as it happened. Very good!

[Mumbling]

This wonderful piece of work has been submitted to the fanfiction awards 2012. If you're reading this fanfiction, please cast your vote and review here!

[vonboy]

Wow, 8 months since the last update.  :blink:

I'm so sorry for keeping you all waiting.

It's good to see some newer members are reading this too. Thanks for the feedback, Fyn16 and StrutEggStealer.

I've recently got some new inspiration for this story, and got an idea to a new thingy to add into the plot to make it all the more interesting and good. I hope you'll like it.

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Part 5

GREAT VALLEY - SECRET CAVERNS - EVENING

Tops walks into the cavern, with Aries, Lavender, and Pete behind them.

TOPS: ...Huh. Where is she?

Lavender: I don't know. She said she'd be here.

Aries: (Yawns) Let's just go back to our nests. It's almost bed time, anyway.

A shadow appears near an inner passage, moving toward the children.

LITTLEFOOT:  Ah, there you all are!

Aries tenses up.

ARIES: Oh. You almost spooked me there, Littlefoot.

TOPS: Hey, why'd you call us all here, anyway?

LAVENDER: Yeah, I thought we were gonna play something before going to bed.

LITTLEFOOT: I wanted to talk about something. Here, come this way.

Littlefoot turns around, going back into the passage she came out of. The rest of the Gang follows.

LAVENDER: Something good or something bad?

LITTLEFOOT: I don't really know, but definitely something fun!

TOPS: Why do you keep wasting our time? Just get to the point, already!

LITTLEFOOT: Well, remember that story from Old Mr. Thicknose?

TOPS: How could we forget about it? You won't shut up about it!

LITTLEFOOT: Well, I'd sure like to meet this nice sharptooth.

LAVENDER: Oh, I think that would be a bad idea...yup.

TOPS: And there ain't one. Remember what your dad said?

LITTLEFOOT: Well, I just can't believe that. Something's still eating at me.

ARIES: Maybe that sharptooth is eating at you.

Everyone but Littlefoot giggles.

LITTLEFOOT: I'm serious, guys! I wanna go out there and see this friendly sharptooth for myself!

LAVENDER: You mean, go out? To the Mysterious Beyond?

LITTLEFOOT: Of course!

Everyone else gasps.

ARIES: I think that'd be a REALLY bad idea!

TOPS: My mom's tough, but even she never goes out there!

LAVENDER: None of our parents go out there.

ARIES: And they don't want us to go out there, either. Remember the last time we went out?

Pete nods silently, wearing a frown.

LAVENDER: I thought those talks would never end.

The children start repeating what their parents have told them, mocking thier voices.

TOPS: A threehoren can do anything, but It's still very dangerous out there, Tops. A sharptooth could eat you.

ARIES: Me no want you to go out there, Aries.  Just think of the sharpteeth, Oh no oh no oh nohoho!

LAVENDER: You have to stay here, dear. It is the only place safe from sharpteeth, yup yup yup!

TOPS: Oh, and stay away from those other flatteeth, TOPS. Expecially that longneck. She's crazy!

Everyone else stops in their tracks, staring on at Tops

TOPS: ...What?

The group starts walking along again.

LAVENDER: Anyway, the point is, it would be dangerous if we go out there.

LITTLEFOOT: Oh, come on. Don't any of you guys like adventure?

LAVENDER: I like adventure, yes, but not if it means ending up in someone's tummy!

LITTLEFOOT: We could meet new dinosaurs.

TOPS: I think any sharptooth you find will eat you up before you can even say hello!

LITTLEFOOT: Not if we find the nice one, Tops.

ARIES: Even then, we can't get out there.

LAVENDER: Yeah. Our parents close up any way out that we find.

TOPS: How do they KNOW where all our secret routes out are, anyway?

PETE: Hmm...

The spiketail child drifts off into thought.

TOPS: How do we even go out there if we don't have any way out?

LITTLEFOOT: We go this way, of course!

The Gang stops. They look ahead, and see that the end of the tunnel is in sight, with light shining in.

TOPS: What?

They dart off towards this exit. As they reach the end, They all get uneasy. The view pans across the barren landscape.

ARIES: Is this...the My...Mysterious Beyond?

LITTLEFOOT: ...Eeyup!

TOPS: Wow, how'd you find this?

LITTLEFOOT: I just did some exploring earlier. I found this nice little tunnel, and decided to call you all to these caves to show you!

The longneck walks up in front of the group.

LITTLEFOOT: So, what do you way? Wanna go on a little adventure?

ARIES: I'm still not so sure.

LITTLEFOOT: Look. If we stay together, we'll be safe. We can watch out for each other.

TOPS: Hmm, yeah. You'd need me along to keep you all safe.

LITTLEFOOT: We'll need everyone.

LAVENDER: Well, I do feel safer when 'm with Pete.

Pete reaches down and nuzzles the swimmer.

LITTLEFOOT: What do you all say then?

TOPS: It''' be exciting! I haven't done anything fun like this in awhile!

LAVENDER: Maybe we could go out... but only for a little bit.

ARIES: I guess a little adventure wouldn't hurt.

LITTLEFOOT: Then let's go!

The longneck takes off.

TOPS: WAIT!

LITTLEFOOT: Huh?

TOPS: It's late, and I'm getting tired too.

Aries (Yawns): Yeah, it's too late for adventures.

LITTLEFOOT: Oh...right.

Littlefoot holds his head down for a couple seconds, then raises it again.

LITTLEFOOT: We can always go in the morning! We go to our nests early, get some good sleep, and get up and meet up here really early in the morning, before our parents even get up.

ARIES: Oh, that's a good idea!

LAVENDER: We better get on to our nests then.

TOPS: Just be sure to be here early. I don't want to get held up, now!

ARIES: Good night everyone!

EVERYONE ELSE: Night!

Tops, Aries, Lavender, and Aries head off back to the Great Valley. Littlefoot stays behind. looking out in the Mysterious Beyond, before turning here hea,d and heading back with the rest.

TO BE CONTINUED

[StrutEggStealer]

Awesome^^
hehehehe, this is getting good.
SOunds like Littlefoot is just as bad as her dad was... is... was... idk XD
oh and that part about stay away from those flatteeth! made me lol