Hey, Ptyra!
Here to review the story, as promised.
I have read through all of the chapters you have written so far, as well as your self-critique. I can’t help but feel bad saying it, but I agree with you regarding self-criticisms #1–4: the story would benefit from an overall revision of the writing. That said, I liked the concept of the fanfic. To my knowledge, the
Doctor Who series has never gone into much detail regarding “natural” Dalek reproduction, and I liked your take on how one would reproduce when deprived of technological aid (which seems to have been a factor in all cases of Daleks replicating themselves in the series).
I imagine the reason Dalek Xóreputedly the most ruthless member of a species whose capacity for emotion is almost entirely limited to hateódevelops feelings of love for his offspring is because, as you state in Chapter 1, no Dalek has reproduced in this way for a long time, and doing so effectively stimulates emotions that Daleks normally never have any reason to feel. It does seem plausible to me that, just as the Doctor pointed out in “The Parting of the Ways” that Daleks can still feel fear despite having almost all of their emotions supposedly removed, the Daleks have other emotions which, while extremely limited and normally suppressed, have not been eliminated entirely, and can still emerge under certain circumstances.
Since you seem to be more concerned about how your story reads as a whole, rather than the quality of individual chapters, I thought I’d forgo my usual pattern of reviewing the fanfic chapter by chapter, spellchecking the entirety of each one. I have nonetheless chosen to list my comments on the story according to the chapters they are relevant to. Among them I have pointed out a few typos and other writing errors, most of which would potentially be relevant in future writing, and also if you decided to go about rewriting the existing chapters.
Prologue:Has the concept of Daleks existing in near constant pain due to their own physiology and their connection to their casings been expressed canonically anywhere in
Doctor Who? Because those are really clever ideas,
and feel very appropriate for them; traits that exacerbate the Daleks’ inherent madness and their desire to inflict suffering on other species, as well as adding to the sense of them being utterly unnatural, deformed creatures that have been artificially crippled and confined in the isolation of their mechanical casings. (No offense to your Dalek OCs, who, if my impressions of them are in any way accurate, are almost the antithesis of this: a more “natural” form of Dalek; Daleks as they should have been, one might say.)
He felt hate for the Doctor and the man who had impaled him, and the female creature that had disabled his hover mechanism.
I would have this say “human” or “human male” instead of “man”, and perhaps change the “who” following it to “that”, in keeping with the Dalek’s objective and impersonal manner of categorizing members of other species. Also, given that the Doctor started out as Dalek X’s prisoner, yet managed to trick him into coming to Hurala and ultimately led him into the trap that brought about his downfall, I would imagine that Dalek X would reserve a more in-depth internal description of his hatred for him.
He felt anger for what they had done and what they would do to ruin the Dalek plans to claim the Archeon Threshold.
Should be spelled “Arkheon”.
I saw a couple cases of the 'h' in the word "hit" being accidentally left out:
His casing it the hard rock ground, splitting open with the force, flames extinguished, and Dalek X's screaming was halted with a gag, * propelled outward a meter away from it.
When it at last it the ground, it split even more, and hurtled him across the rock again.
*I think you should specify here that it is Dalek X's body that is being propelled from the casing.
Also, this is just my personal opinion that you could completely ignore if you wanted to, but I would find it more believable for Dalek X to survive the detonation of the Lodestar station if he was still in his casing at the end of his first fall (even if the casing had already been breached and the shields were not functioning). To be honest, the book stretched my suspension of disbelief in that Dalek X was still alive after an explosion that atomized the station, destroyed the Dalek ships floating above it, split open the planet, and emitted a flare visible from seven lightyears away.
Chapter 1:He laid awake now, fidgeting with agitation.
Should be “lay”.
Long ago, he was not sure how long, he came to his wits end and did what no Dalek had done since the dark days of Skaro
Should be “wits’”, with an apostrophe at the end.
During his waking moments, as the new creature began to shift and move, he channeled information to it, sharing each detail of Dalek history to it: its Kaled ancestors and their thousand year war with the Thals, to his failed conquest of the universe.
“To” should be “with”, and in place of the colon, I would put a comma, and add “from” after it.
By the way, the concept of a creature passing on information to its asexually produced offspring is quite interesting to me. Dalek X’s ability to spontaneously grow an offspring in a makeshift womb reminds me of the way some simple animals like hydras reproduce by forming a “bud” which eventually grows into an independent organism. I’ve wondered whether it would be possible for a hypothetical, more complex creature that reproduced in this manner to communicate with its offspring while their nervous systems were still connected, the way Dalek X seems to be able to.
Not really helpful critique; I’m just thinking out loud. :unsure:
Chapter 2:I have to say, this chapter seemed rather contrived to me. I don’t understand why the Doctor would return to Hurala after leaving Dalek X for dead at the end of
Prisoner of the Daleks. Or was this some kind of deliberate gambit on the Doctor’s part? Did the Doctor realize that Dalek X
would ultimately be rescued after all, and deliberately gave him an opportunity to absorb human DNA to help create an offspring (which would have the capacity for emotion, and which Dalek X would develop affection for) in order to introduce emotions into the high ranks of the Daleks, thus causing turmoil in their empire?
The chapter also felt a bit rushed. Part of it ties in with the issue I noted above: the Doctor seems to arrive with the express purpose of allowing
his her companion to provide genetic material to Dalek X (in a manner that, I hate to say, I thought was a little too reminiscent of Rose’s first interaction with the title character of the New Who episode “Dalek”) with both of them leaving as suddenly as they came. I suppose it can’t be helped much, since this story
is being told from Dalek X’s perspective, which is rather limited at this point. I still can’t help but feel, though, that this chapter could be improved in some way. I just can’t think of how.
Chapter 4:"A great final war between the Daleks and the Time War[COLOR]. Ultimately, the Doctor destroyed both us and his own people into obliteration!" The Emperor responded.
Shouldn’t “Time War” be “Time Lords”? Also, “destroyed into obliteration” sounds redundant to me.
"Your request is granted." The Emperor replied, not taking his gaze off Dalek X.
Maybe it’s just me, but this line didn’t sound quite “Dalekky” enough. I’m not quite sure how to word it, but don’t Daleks generally use fewer words when giving commands and granting requests? To me it would sound more natural for the Emperor to say simply, “Request granted”.
He resisted the urge to say that it lacked elegance.
I thought Daleks had no concept of elegance.
At least, that’s what Dalek Thay (I think) told the Cybermen in “Doomsday”. Then again, Dalek X seems to be imbued with the capacity for more emotions than most; perhaps he is an exception? (For the record, I share the opinion you and Dalek X have of the New Paradigm Daleks;
they don’t look as good as their predecessors.)
Chapter 5:He preferred the company of scientists and elite guards, those who guided their rage and agony into intricate works of study, than attacking one another at the slightest wrong word.
Do you mean “rather than”? Also,
do lower-ranking Daleks attack each other when angered? Granted, my experience with the Whoniverse is mostly limited to the new series, but the only instances I can recall of Daleks deliberately attacking and/or destroying one another took place when the attackers had deemed the victims “inferior” in some way; the New Dalek Paradigm obliterating their damaged predecessors in “Victory of the Daleks”, and Dalek X himself exterminating the mine overseer Daleks for failing to maintain schedule in
Prisoner of the Daleks (which I interpreted as more a show of Dalek X’s ruthlessness than anything else), to name two examples. Given the orderly and logic-driven way in which they do things, infighting doesn’t seem to me like something Daleks would do. (Correct me there’s something I don’t know.) However, the whole concept of Dalek X preferring interaction with the more cerebral ranks sounds perfectly plausible to me; perhaps a more valid-sounding reason for why he is less appreciative of the soldier ranks could be their simple, mindless aggression; the fact that their contributions to furthering the Dalek empire are limited to firing ray blasts at non-Daleks (whereas Dalek prefers conquest on a larger and more calculated scale, such as by creating new superweapons and taking advantage of time-space anomalies).
It was one more addition to what Dalek X could do-he could create life from his own flesh.
This hyphen (-) should be an em dash (ó).
Chapter 6:Perhaps the narrative should mention at some point how unusually slow the Heir’s growth is. I have no clue how fast Daleks normally mature (though I am guessing their growth rates are technologically enhanced) but it seemed to me that the Heir was growing awfully slowly even with its half-human DNA taken into account.
It turned at looked at Dalek X face to face, restraining a terrified quiver from the other three Daleks, having never properly seen a Dalek casing.
I was unclear at first that the middle part of this sentence was describing the Heir reacting to the sight of the other three Daleks. I would reword this sentence a bit, namely changing “from” to “at the sight of”.
Also, “at” should be “and”.
The Heir’s introduction to its own Dalek casing was definitely the most disturbing and heart-jerking moment in the story so far. Describing it later as having had its “innocence” tainted was right on. It harkens back to my earlier comment about the how being crammed inside their metal casings must affect Daleks psychologically. It made me wonder how different the Daleks might be (at least in your headcanon) if they weren’t all not implanted in painful life support systems at birth, especially if they had previously been born and grown under more “natural” conditions like the Heir.
This will certainly not be my only post reviewing this story. I have many more thoughts to share on it, but will need time to get them in order. Sorry that I haven’t gotten to the “bouncing ideas” stage yet.
(Double sorry if the feedback I have given you so far isn't of much help. :unsure:)
By the way, although I normally try to avoid spoilers, I think I would be most useful in helping you write your story if you told me all of your current plans for it (including how you planned on ending it). You can share this information by PM if you like, or in this thread if it doesn’t matter to you. In any case, your responses will surely help me to help you.
P.S. You were right about
Prisoner of the Daleks; it's a good read.
I read the whole thing from start to finish in a single afternoon. :blink:
