LBT: Bite of Tornetar Review:
To start, I like to divide all my thorough reviews into three seperate parts: Questions, Comments, and Quams. Questions are neutral inquiries that I pose to learn more about the story, the author, or the writing style of the story. Comments are things I liked and that the author did well on. Quams are things I felt could have been done better, or improvements the author can make to their creations to make them better recieved or more readable. Usually, 5 of each are given for the sake of fairness and balance in the review.
Note: The Quams section can be quite penetrating. Reacting to it defensively or holding the statements here against me will seriously impact my decision on whether to review the rest of your works.
Formalities aside, let's begin 
Questions:
1. How did you come up with the idea for Tornetar?
2. If the Lone Dinosaur defeated Tornetar when Grandpa Longneck was young, does that mean Doc is Immortal and/or does not age in the context of your story?
3. How long was Tornetar loose in the valley before he was finally defeated at the edge of the volcano?
4. How is Tornetar able to survive under a pile of rocks for two generations and remain coherant and aware of approachers? Does this mean he is supernatural?
5. Why was Ali's herd so close to the Great Valley when these events occured? Was it coincidence, or was there some other reason that brought them close in their rounds?
Comments:
1. I must praise the highly original nature of the idea. A giant sharptooth larger then any ever before is a theme that has not been explored in any fan-fics i know of, nor is it a possibility in the cannon lore presented in the movies and series. Good creativity on your part.
2. The Artwork to accompany your story is extrordinary and realistic in comparason to existing interpretations of the dinosaurs. Well done! With a bit of practise as well as connecting with other GOF artists for advice (Sky and Ptyra come to mind) you could become a valuable contributor to the Gang of Five art section.
3. Your story flows nicely, and reaches a satisfying conclusion in good time. All the events occur in chronological order, and suffice to say rack up to produce a good LBT short story. The continuity is addressed and addressed well, since the plot does not wander and tends to move onto important events at all junctures avoiding the small talk, idle banter, or otherwise unimportant things that happen during the course of the story.
4. You made a good effort to include original characters from mulitple movies, and have them act meaningfully during the story. Doc is a good example, showing up like he always tends to do to save the day. Ali is also mentioned, and the Old One plays a small but important part to your plotline.
5. Interesting new characters are presented that are worth a second look. Thailog and Tosk both play meaningful parts in the story, if only to throw their warm bodies at Tornetar to buy some time. I would have liked to see them developed more, but in the end it was a good breath of fresh air to have a couple of new Great Valley dinosaurs to rely on in a time of great need. I'm glad they did not completely die, as their is oppurtinity for at least Tosk to return.
Quams:
1. The grammar in this story is atrocious, and at some points makes it difficult to follow. Certain words like 'illuminated' are written as 'eluminated', which can sometimes make you confuse it at first glance for 'eliminated' clouding the true meaning of the story. Make sure you edit your chapters carefully, and use a spell checker so possible readers aren't immediately turned off by your apparent lack of compitance in this area.
2. You place far too much emphasis on exclaimation points to express extreme emotion from characters, to the point where it makes some lines sound entirely unrealistc. Take this bit for example:
"Hey Guys!" Littlefoot shouted to his friends.
"Hey littlefoot, we're about to go play a game, wanna join?" Cera asked.
"Sure!!!" Littlefoot replied with glee. then he remembered why he went to the thundering falls, "AAAH! I forgot, I got to take a bath."
Cera sighed out of impatiance. "Fine, we'll be over at the tall grass when your ready."
"OK! I'll be there soon." Littlefoot stated
Littlefoot shouts his lines four times in three lines of speech. Four lines!?! What starts to happen when you write like this is the readers fail to see real, vivid emotional moments when they happen... your story just becomes one big conglomeration of shouting. For your next installment, consider toning down your usage of this punctuation.
3. The timeline of the story moves far too quickly. One line, the gang is together talking, the next, they are miles apart gathering herds of all different kinds for battle against Tornetar. It would be nice if you included some line breaks or notable divisions between time periods to make the story easier to follow.
4. There are parts of the story where well known dinosaurs make some responses that are out of character, and simply don't make sense in regards to their usual attitude. Good examples include Grandpa Longneck reacting too dramatically in fear when Littlefoot mentions Tornetar, as well as the giant sharptooth himself whispering in fear when the Lone Dinosaur shows up. For a menacing killing machine, he seems awefully soft.
5. At the end of each chapter and at the beginning of each chapter there is a paragraph of either recap or preview. This is not needed, and for chapters posted so close together (as in days apart) they are more annoying then helpful. Giving away the events of the next chapter - in my experience - tends to turn off readers from even looking at it because they already know whats gonna happen anyway. Avoid doing this unless your installments are months apart, so returning readers can refresh their memory on what happened.
And so conlcludes my review. I hope it was helpful, and I wish you the best of luck in your coming fan-fiction ventures.
Caustizer
mk first off here are the answers to your questions.
Answer 1. The idea of Tornetar was a combination of ideas but MAINLY because I was watching Transformers G1 season 4 three Part, the Rebirth part 2. where Scorponok was introduced. I was quickly impressed by that scene. dispite it being from the 80s and it is possibly now being considered as mediocre to have a giant monster causing havok. another inspiration for Tornetar was Cloverfield. originaly I wanted the fanfic to treat the situation as an event then anything else. but I think that got lost in the final draft.
Answer 2. Actualy, in this fanfic, the only one who thinks Doc is the Lone Dinosaur is Littlefoot. infact, in a scene, when Grandpa tells Tornetar that Doc will arrive to defeat him, Tornetar doesn't know who he's talking about. infact Tornetar doesn't even know the Lone Dinosaur's name. but when he sees Doc he calls him the Lone Dinosaur only because Doc Looks like the Lone Dinosaurs. I make no indication that Doc truely IS the Lone Dinosaur. I felt it sence it was like that in SOSR, it should be like that in the story as well. but I kept the story so the reader can decide for themselfs, whether or not Doc is The Lone Dinosaur or not.
Answer 3. although, it was never stated in the story, it probley should have been stated. but he is released around midday by chomper, he makes his way back to the Great Valley wich only took a few minutes for him. the gang set off to find doc, wich goes on for most of the night. and The Battle Of The Great Wall starts as soon as the gang leaves. that lasts till like 3 in the morning (I didn't write the defeat of all the great valley dinosaurs. but only the parents. Mr. Threehorn, Tosk, Thailog, got the spotlight. then Grandpa and Tornetar fight and make their way to the Valcano, wich all lasts till 6 in the morning (Making it about three more hours). and Doc arrive and Tornetar dies an hour later. all this happens from 12 midday, till 7 in the morning. again I tried to take some tips from Cloverfield wich the events lasted all the way till morning but only lasted for 7 hours here it lasted for half a day till morning. wich would be 20 hours.
Answer 4. I am actualy leaving that up for the reader to determin how he survived. but I actualy had it is that he put himself in suspended animation (or a type of hybernation). Tornetar was awakened when Chomper yelled "I FOUND IT!" in wich Tornetar woke up and said his first lines. Tornetar is also supposed to have a line where he was to say he 'lived for millinia.' and in good conditiones 'can live without food for three generations" meaning dispite being a Carnivore he has a uniquely advanced and great lasting matablism and stamina.
Answer 5. it was just pure dumb luck they where in the area. I mainly wanted to give Ali a cameo. in my next fanfic Tornetar will be mentioned. he is also mentioned to kill Ali's Father (though the infomation isn't touched on much).
as for your comments.
1. thanks for praising the originality. I admit I got some ideas from other shows. but when it came to writing the Charator Tornetar, I didn't want to give him typical giant dinosaur powers (Fire breath, shooting lightening from his mouth, etc). I also wanted to stay true to the LBT source material and charactors while also being creative and free with the story.
2. I actualy love to do that stuff. its like making a movie. you can't make the suit for the bad guy if you don't know what he looks like. and I just love to make story boards for my fanfics. again makes it feel bigger then a fanfic. it makes it almost like a movie. and if you ask me. all fanfic writers should treat their fanfic like a movie. while also having fun with it.
3. thanks. as I said I wanted to treat this fanfic like a movie. I also wanted to make this into an event. surely you wouldn't stop buy and have a chat with somebody while a giant dinosaur is attacking and threatening to kill the ones you love. again I am glad you liked it. and I do admit I got some problems with the story. I think I was working with too many charactors at a time and things got jumbled up.
4. thanks. I wanted to give as many charactors their due in this story. as well as also staying accurate with this. Doc was probley the best charactor to mention. as you stated he seems to appear when needed and I wanted to put that in the story. and I wanted to add that to the end of part 2 because I felt it would be appropriate as a cliffhanger. there are some charactors writen to be in the story (again I treat my fanfics as movies I make sourse notes and write infomation about it) for instance. Tria was going to be in it. but I desided to leave her out of the story. Rooter was going to make an appearance. but he got cut out due to time. Sue and her Boyfriend where going to be in it but also cut out. and Redclaw and his raptors where also going to be in it. they where orgininaly gonna be part of the Sharptooth swarm. but I felt that would be way too many charactors in a three part miniseries.
5. Thailog and Tosk where charactors me and my ladyfriend came up with together. I needed two original charactors for the fanfic. my friend suggested making them Ankylosaurus and I named one Thailog (Goliath spelled backwards) and Tosk was named by my ladyfriend. they would have gotten a design sheet, but by the time they where introduced I think they got pushed aside. they where never ment to die. and originaly, it was Topsy (Mr Threehorn) who was going to be burried under the rocks. but that was cut and Tosk was burried. Thailog and Tosk MIGHT be in another fanfic in the future though.
now to discuss the 'Quams", never heard of that word before...
1. my spelling used to be pretty good. I think I start to loose my spelling skills when I get older. the next fanfic I am writing will change that now that I got a story assistant.
2. yeah I was trying to show excitement and such. I think I went too far though.
3. I think that happened when I was trying to finish the story up. I also wanted to keep the action going. but I think I screwed it all up though.
4. yeah I did mess some of the charactors up. though in defence of Tornetar, he was realy just spooked. I think he thought he was looking at a ghost (not alot of dinosaurs can live over two or three generations and not age one bit). I think he was just shocked to see Doc, again I am still not implying Doc is the Lone Dinosaur.
5. you can blame The Transformers for that. I thought it be cool to have that on there. but I think its unnessicary now. kinda ruins the spirit of the surpirse for the next episode. I'll have that fixed in my next fanfic.
anything else you want to ask or comment on please proceed.
and just to be random...
bugga bugga what!
