Alrighty !! This is my book so far, please don't steal & I have tried to format it best I can, sorry if it is a bit messy but I can't be arsed putting in all the italics as well. For the most part it's easy to see where they would go if you read it carefully anyway so enjoy it and PLEASE COMMENT so I know if you liked it. Sorry if there are any mistakes, I apologise now, because otherwise I'll look like a complete noob later if there are any. Oh and another thing, I'm not emo I was inspired to write it from my friend who is actually Suicidal :/
Book 1 – My blades cut deeper.
Preface
I was stood on the tarmac & I let loose a blood-curdling scream. Then lights came towards me at an immeasurable speed, so fast; too fast! My legs turned to ice. I was frozen, not only where I stood, but frozen in time also, I couldn’t move even if my will was strong enough to make me do so. This one moment above all others was captured and held where it was. Like a photograph - nothing would ever change. But then again, in the next moment everything would be different, not only me but everybody I knew, everybody I touched. It wasn’t supposed to be like this! I was supposed to be the one deciding when I would leave - not him! Whoever he was, he would be very sorry...I would make sure of that, one way or another, he would be very, very sorry. Like they say, whoever they are: “Revenge is a dish best served cold” I was not prepared for what happened next...
1.Beginning
It was the first Sunday in April & the weather was warm. I looked out of the window, seeing everything while seeing nothing. I looked at everybody enjoying the sun in their T-shirts & shorts. Then I looked down at my own clothes, seeing red – staring; till that was all I could see. Running through me; in me…out of me. Then came the screams, shattering my ear drums as they penetrated the safety of my cocoon that had always kept me safe from everyone else. The shell that stopped me feeling what I should. The pains of reality & the hardships of real life.
I remember feeling nothing as the dream went on. Or was it a dream? I couldn’t be sure now that everything was moving, as the scenery around me changed with each minute that passed. Then suddenly I was trapped, I could no longer feel my legs or lift my arms anymore. That’s when I realized that it was coming for me… I had waited too long for this moment so I would savor it as it would be my last.
I slipped in & out of consciousness, but this didn’t bother me. It means that I had done it right, the only thing I had done right in my life, or would death be the more fitting term? By now things had slowed down & all I could see was white, so I presumed I had fallen on the floor. Would anybody find me? I mused. Would it be my father, whom I had always despised? Or maybe my brother, he would be heart-broken…I hated hurting him like this & for that matter, thinking about it too. So I stopped & continued, as though it was instinct buried deep that only now had chosen to surface to stay as still as possible while still staring at the ceiling.
Then an infernal bleeping interrupted my train of thought, or non-thought as it was at that moment. Since when was that in my bedroom? I could hear people moving around me, but didn’t know how that was possible as my bedroom was far too small for 5+ people to be moving around in it. Suddenly all my muscles (the ones I could still feel) tensed & the movement around me stopped, I could almost feel all eyes in my curiously bigger bedroom descend on me. Muffled voices became ever more evident & someone picked up something that sounded like it was near my feet & ruffled some paper that must have been attached to the mysterious object I couldn’t identify.
If my eyes were open, you would have been able to see the horror in them I’m sure, as the penny dropped & all the pieces fell neatly into place. Each playing their own part in my latest failure. Failure to end my own life, it should be the easiest thing in the world right?... Wrong! What was this? My 3rd attempt I think… that was not counting all the times I was too coward and stopped myself before it was too late & now here was the proof everyone needed, proof that I’m going crazy, even as I write this now. “Penguins are slowly taking my sanity one by one” Whoever said this seriously knew their stuff as I feel exactly the same.
Just as quickly as the voices started they stopped & I was left to what I thought was alone. As I lay in the hospital bed, disgusted at myself – at my failure, I could hear more footsteps coming towards my room. Closing the gap between them & me, I started to panic. My motionless guise fluctuated slightly & because of that I heard, what I assumed to be a nurse scrawl something down on my chart; so, I was not alone after all. I guess doctors thought I was suicidal, which I couldn’t deny. So I had to be monitored 24-7 by a member of staff, which I personally thought was hilarious. They think I’m going to try killing myself in a hospital! For such smart people, doctors are idiots. Saying that, nurses are just as bad, slipping you meds when they think you haven’t noticed. If I wasn’t tied down at the wrists I would have smacked at least 3 of them by now. Even though I refuse to let people know I’m awake, I’m a surprisingly good aim.
Lost in thought I had forgot about the footsteps which now stopped abruptly at the door and a new voice asked how I was doing. As I had guessed, a nurse replied, reporting my flinch after I had let my guard down & said that my wounds were healing nicely. I almost laughed out loud at the last remark. But remembering my previous mistake suppressed my reaction to an invisible smirk. What would be the point in letting the cuts heal, when I was only going to prize them open again? Nil would be the answer I’m sure I would have got if I had asked this question out loud. But of course to them I was in a “coma induced by blood-loss”. Which again, I find quite comical, if only they knew! This thought entertained my mind for the rest of the day, as I lay there on & between the itchy cotton sheets.
The next morning I awoke bright & early, well from what I could see from behind my eye-lids it looked like another sunny day in April. Everything was silent, which I was pleased to hear, it meant I wasn’t being watched for the time being. Which I’m sure, in anybody’s book is a good thing. So for a fleeting moment, I opened my eyes. This as I look back, may have been a mistake as it made me go dizzy & everything I saw was tinted blue. So I closed my eyes again before the nurse came back & hoped nobody had seen me awaken.
Luckily, nobody had seen my reckless behavior in the morning & everything continued as normal – or as close to normal as hospital life got I suppose. The only thing I objected to was toilet breaks which were, if described mildly – awkward. Still with luck on my side a woman always came to sort me out. Baths too were difficult but you got over it after a few days of being subjected to the embarrassment. In the pit of my stomach though a tight ball was making itself know. It grew bigger & bigger every day – every week. It was, as best as I can describe, all the fear, the doubt, the worry, that sometime soon I had to “wake up”.
Then eventually that fateful day arrived. After what I think was 4 weeks of turmoil in that dingy, disinfectant smelling prison, my best friends Clarey & Rayne came to visit. They brought my favorite flowers, Snowdrops & white Roses. The smell enveloped my room in what seemed like a matter of seconds. That’s when my eyes flew open & the damage was done...Clarey & Rayne were overjoyed to see me awake, I wanted to tell them that I had been all along. But they caused such a commotion that the doctors came in to see what was wrong & saw that I was, indeed very much awake.
Shock was plastered over both my face & theirs as they all hurried into the room to check my “vitals”. That’s when they realized I had been awake all along & shock changed to distain. They all hated me, you could tell. All of them. I could see it in their eyes. They’d stare at me when they thought I was oblivious. All the anger boiling over the rims, eyes only slits pupils wide with revulsion & disgust. They all knew my secret. They just refused to tell me how they felt. But I already knew; they felt exactly like me. The only difference being, that I took it out on myself, all the anger & pain. Whereas they took out all their pain on other people & made them miserable too. That is why they couldn’t touch me, I was better than them. I had found a way out. I had found a release.
Clarey & Rayne were still fussing over me. Asking how I was & what happened exactly ect’. But my mind was elsewhere & they were getting impatient with my half answers. In the end I gave up & submitted to their enthusiasm. This in hind-sight was a very good idea as it lifted my spirits for the rest of the afternoon.
We talked about the usual stuff, what they had been up to while I was gone, they said nothing had been the same without me. I laughed at that, because I’m sure they would had found a way to entertain themselves, if it wasn’t devising new plans & suicide attempts it would have been writing poetry or sitting in the dark listening to Slipknot. We didn’t look like Goths or Emos, we strived not to, but deep down inside, we were exactly the same, Emo is a way of life. Once you’re in, there’s no way out. Fashion, music, people, Emo is a society. But Cutters, they’re different, they – we give them both a bad name, Emos & Goths. But how can we stop when the ball is already in motion? Nothing could change our ultimate goal: death. Although we all die anyway, some burn out quicker than others. Some being us.
Another hour at least passed with Clarey still going strong & Rayne adding in any details that she had missed. They were by now onto all the latest gossip & happenings in school. They said that nobody knew why I was in hospital, which was definitely good news. But something was still bugging me about their visit being so short notice.
“Why are you two the first to visit me?” I asked I could see them both look at each other & then me before Rayne hesitantly answered; I assumed she was being careful so she wouldn’t hurt me with anything she said.
“Errrmm…well” she began.
“Go on, I’m waiting.” I said impatiently, if I was stood up I would have been tapping my foot by now. The suspense was killing me!
“You see…when you…when you…well you know…cut yourself…your brother…” She trailed off, so Clarey had to finish her sentence.
“Your brother found you.”
It was what I had feared from the beginning. Casper, my older brother was everything a big brother should be. He looked out for me, was on the football team & always asked my opinion on girls before he asked them out. Not only this, but he must have been the most popular & handsome guy in school (I wouldn’t really know as he’s my brother), all the girls & even the teachers loved him. Unlike me, who never got so much as a second glance from any boy I knew. I pointed this out to Rayne once on a school trip to an Industrial Museum, when a group of boys kept looking over. She said that the reason boys didn’t even try & touch me was because of Casper, that they thought they would never be able to measure up to him. Which is I admit, probably true. He has intense green eyes like me & golden brown hair; mine’s more like a deep shade of mahogany. We are complete opposites, much like Yin & Yang. He walks in the light, whereas I walk in the shadows he casts. He denies this, like a true gentleman, but he knows just as well as I do that it is all a lie. He has a future ahead of him, he is so clever. I on the other hand, am going nowhere fast. It is said that I also have the brains, just nowhere to fit them into my “cult” lifestyle. Well, that’s what I am told by teachers who disapprove of the company I keep, & obviously I ignore them.
My mind turned back to the subject at hand. Clarey & Rayne were nervously waiting for my response. Poor Casper, what he must have thought – I don’t know. “What happened, is he ok?” I asked starting to panic.
They both looked at each other a second time before Clarey answered again. “He…how can I describe it?” She sighed to herself as she thought of how to phrase her next sentence.
Suddenly Rayne spoke “He was angry, that you would…would. He was frustrated when you wouldn’t respond when you got here.” He was here? I’m sure then they both guessed what I was thinking.
“Yes, he came here” Rayne said, answering my unspoken question.
“But,” she continued “He left after a few days, he couldn’t stand to watch you ësuffer silently’ as he put it.”
Silence….
“We don’t know where he went though, he didn’t go home…” Clarey explained, carefully watching my face to check I was ok.
“We weren’t supposed to tell you but…”
“But… we thought you had the right to know” Finished Rayne. They did that a lot, finish each others sentences, they did it with me too sometimes, that made me smile, but earned me a strange look from Clarey.
I decided to explain. “I was just thinking about old times, when we used to speak for each other. Do you remember?” I started to smile again. It felt nice, considering I hadn’t smiled like this since thinking about hitting the nurses that tried to slip me meds in my food. That made me smile even more. Clarey & Rayne just looked down right dumfounded. So I dove into the story that was my time in hospital, from being monitored 24-7 to thinking about hitting the idiotic medical staff. Although, I did spare them from the sponge baths & toilet breaks. They found it as amusing as I had hoped they would, anything to distract them from my present condition.
Soon it was time for them both to leave, they promised they would visit the next day & tell me more things I wasn’t supposed to know. I grinned as they said this. Trust them to be able to make me feel at home, even in the sterile reality that was hospital. They placed my wonderfully fragrant flowers in a vase of water & then left me alone. I would miss them till they came again I thought & resumed my coma-like state.
Morning came sooner than expected; I guessed another bloody nurse had given me sleeping meds. I decided that when I got out of here I was going to file a complaint against all of them. I was still grumbling to myself when I heard a light tapping on the glass door of my room. I couldn’t see who it was though as the blinds were closed. So I quickly closed my eyes & looked like I was still sleeping.
A few minutes later I heard someone shuffle in quietly so as not to disturb me. Bless them I thought, whoever they are, even if it were a nurse, but quickly rejected the idea of liking one of them. It sounded like a man anyway & there weren’t any male nurses on my ward, so I began to relax. From what I could tell he was putting some more flowers in a vase. So that narrowed it down to people visiting me. He turned the tap on & filled up the vase that I assumed he had brought with him. He then turned & walked towards my cupboard with his back to me. So I stole a glance at the mysterious man before he could turn around. My throat closed up & I nearly choked, it was him. Casper had come back!
His head whipped round before I had time to close my eyes, he had always had quicker reflexes than me & must have heard me half choking seconds before. A moment later I hear something smash & shattered crystal danced around the room like “little pieces of rainbow” as Casper once told me when we were little as was trying to explain dispersion to me for my upcoming physics mid-term.
“Sh!t” Said Casper shaking his hand, he had obviously cut it when he dropped the vase. “I didn’t want to wake you up” He was about to leave when I finally emerged out of my stunned silence.
“Don’t leave me again Casper” that stopped him in his tracks & he turned his head slightly letting me know he had heard me. “You’re the only thing keeping me going” My voice rasped as I said this as I had only just woken up. But I was never very good with telling people how I felt so this always happened anyway. I bundled everything I felt behind a nice little dam, always controlling what I felt and what people saw in my face; until I got so worked up that someone foolish would ask me the wrong question and the barrier would burst and the inevitable flood called my emotions would wash them away. Although I tried to let this happen as little as possible so as not to scare most of the people I know & start needless rumors. Clary & Rayne were used to me and my emotions by now and when they knew my faÁade was slipping they simply left me to my own devices. I felt this about to happen now and shut myself up before I showed him how much I really needed him. I was supposed to be the strong one after Mum left…
He whirled around to look me in the eyes.
“I…” now it was Casper’s time to choke; now thoroughly abandoning his tactic of staring me down, he decided upon glaring at the floor near my bed. “…Why did you do it mea bellus puella?” he asked so softly I barely even heard him. It was then that I felt the corners of my mouth twitch and a faint smile begin to form. I was never very good at Latin, although Casper had tried his very hardest to teach me when we were in middle school. But from what I could work out, I think he was saying ëMy beautiful girl’ either that or something about being charming. But that was a long shot…
“I…I…” I stuttered, trying to regain control. I felt like my feet had just been swept from underneath me he hadn’t called me that since we were children. That was when I finally lost everything I was holding on to and the dam broke…
2. Holding On
I don’t know how long we sat there together, he locked the door so the Nurses wouldn’t bother us and I just cried. He never said anything and neither did I…we just existed for those few precious hours we had alone doing nothing but holding on to each other.
Something stirred me and I opened my eyes, dam I must have fallen asleep. Streching out my arms I noticed that I was lying on my side in the hospital bed. I cursed myself for not getting enough sleep before Casper visited. I realized now that I had wasted valuable time that I could have spent talking to him, trying to repair the damage I did when he found me. Poor, poor Casper; what have I done to him?
I looked around the room briefly and saw the flowers Casper had brought, in a plastic jug. I almost laughed. Obviously that must have been the last vase. Oh well. It was pretty seeing it smash into tiny little pieces, I thought. In my opinion the vase was prettier as the specks of rainbow as they danced around the room like tiny crystal ballerinas than as a flawless vase.
“But then again”, I said smiling to myself. “Dad wouldn’t appreciate me saying that out loud”. It as it was his favorite. Stuff him, he hadn’t even visited me yet! Awful old man, all he ever cared about these days was who he was sleeping with that week…I hope he has an aneurism. Would teach him too look after his own for once. That was always Mum’s job though…why should he bother; Oh wait, because she died. That’s why. We might as well be living on our own sometimes; he doesn’t come back for days unless he wants more clothes. We are lucky he has a good job and that Casper is good with the finances otherwise I don’t know what we’d do…
After an hour or so of silently cursing my Dad I became drowsy again, I guessed some nurse had crept in while I was thinking about various ways to annoy my Father. I wonder; does it count as assault if you hit a nurse that is forcing you meds? I figured it probably would though because she would be ëtrying to help’. Stupid nurses…
I held onto that thought all morning while I shuffled around my ëmight as well be prison cell’. So when I went to go to the toilet I took a detour round to the information desk and I politely requested no more sleeping medicine because it was giving me terrible migraines (Yes, I fabricated this information. But I figured; if they are playing dirty, so am I) and the nurse, or whatever they call her just laughed her head off and said she would ësort something out’. Feeling slightly annoyed by now I glared at her and unwillingly walked back into my room to be confined again…
…1 day…
…2 days…
…3 days…
...and still no Casper. By now I was toying with the idea of making a run for it to the phone to call him up. This was the best I could muster till I realized I had no money and hospital phones were extortionate these days.
