The Gang of Five
Beyond the Mysterious Beyond => The Fridge => Saurus Rock: Member Hall of Fame => Topic started by: Mumbling on June 26, 2012, 10:31:06 AM
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Name of fanfiction: NAME HERE
Rating: #/10
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The following fanfictions have been submitted for you to vote on:
Name of fanfiction: Pterano's Deception: The Three Stones of Life
Short summary: Pterano comes back to the great valley. Just as he thought he had given up trying to reach his destiny he once wanted so long ago. A new enemy tries to get the three stones of life that could effect the lives of the great valley and the mysterious beyond. Will Pterano join the enemy or save the lives of the valley?
Link to fanfiction on the GoF: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11240 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11240)
Author(s): Mr Wonk
Any other comment:My user name is S.C.R.E.A.M.I.N.G M.A.N.T.I.S on fanfiction.net. (Just so there no mix up that I copied someone)
Name of fanfiction: Among Friends
Short summary: When Farwalkers entering the Great Valley looking for help are turned away by Cera's father, it's up to Fyn and the gang, including Chomper and Ruby, to help the strangers. However, Fyn does not trust Sharpteeth, and must learn to overcome their differences to work together. Unbeknownst to the gang, however, they are being followed by a mysterious dinosaur, who may be able to change Fyn's views...
Link to fanfiction on the GoF: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11267 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11267)
Author(s): Fyn16 (YF-23ace on Fanfiction.net)
Any other comment: none
Name of fanfiction: Where Paths Diverge
Short summary: As the gang comes closer to adulthood, an attack occurs which puts the Great Valley's residents on edge. Chomper is sent to deal with it, and the problem is solved quickly, but not everything is as it seems. Can a single event, one common to every Sharptooth that grows up, destroy the friendship that Littlefoot and his friends share? A tale of undying friendship and loyalty, for your consideration. This story features Fyn, my Amargasaurus OC.
Link to fanfiction on the GoF: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11270 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11270)
Author(s): Fyn16 (YF-23ace on Fanfiction.net)
Any other comment: none
Name of fanfiction: The Land Before Time: A Long-Lost Friend
Short summary: The Gang is all grown up now, and have children of their own! After hearing stories from Mr. Thicknose about a friendly sharptooth that used to live in the great valley, they set out to see if there really is a friendly sharptooth somewhere out there.
Link to fanfiction on the GoF: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=10504 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=10504)
Author(s): vonboy
Any other comment:
Name of fanfiction: PAST-O-RAMA
Short summary:An LBT TV series! A human travels back in time to the peaceful valley, and befriends the Gang. What's this strange being up too? What adventures will they have? How peeved off is the narrator?
Link to fanfiction on the GoF: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=9377 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=9377)
Author(s): vonboy
Any other comment:
Name of Fanfiction: Battle of the Sacred Essences II: Corruption's Curse
Summary: After the events and struggles of BOSE, life in the Great Valley has been restored to normal. Littlefoot is unsettled by the departure of his human friends who returned to the year 2113AD to 'right the final wrong' and longs to see them again. He finds himself the victim of a kidnapping by a group of unknown humans and is brought back to the futuristic year of 327NE. In a freak accident, Littlefoot's fate clashes head on with a boy named Kairyn and a mysteriously cloaked figured known only as the Black Ghost who both have knowledge of the powerful yet mystical Stones of Essence; one of which Littlefoot possesses. Littlefoot soon discovers that there was much more to these stones and the legend of the Sacred Lights than he first realised and that his greatest challenge lies in wait. With his fellow stone holders nowhere to be found, Littlefoot braces himself for the approaching onslaught of a much darker force. The true nature of the Stones of Essence will be revealed.
Link to Fanfiction on GOF: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=6991 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=6991)
Author: Littlefoot1616
Comments: BOSE II is still going on both the GoF and on Fanfiction.net. Reviews, thoughts and views and constructive criticism is always welcomed. The support for both BOSE and its sequel has been phenomenal! I'm still getting fav story PMs from FF.net for BOSE even though it was finished in 2006. Thank you so much to everyone who's backed me and been patient while I update BOSE II.
Name of fanfiction: Quest for the Mask of Life
Short summary: (LBT/Bionicle crossover fanfic) Sequel to Quest for the Energy Stones. When Littlefoot and his friends end up in the Matoran universe, they find themselves caught in the middle as old and new friends must fight many new threats to save their universe.
Link to fanfiction on the GoF: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=8547 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=8547)
Author(s): The Chronicler
Any other comment: Currently unfinished. Although the majority of this fanfic is based on events from the Bionicle storyline, I try my best to add in LBT elements throughout the whole story. Even though I didn't specifically say it, my current progress of this fanfic is just beginning the second of five acts. Although this fanfic is now already 3/4 as long as my previous story, I don't expect the remaining acts to be as long as the first.
Name of fanfiction: Impossible Reach
Short summary: A sequel to One of a Kind. Petrie's sister, Harper, is back in the Great Valley and thinking she's put everything behind her that happened when two Runners kidnapped her and got themselves banished from their herd they would have been heirs of. Yet when their parents return and turn I'll due to grief, Harper does the unthinkable for her and engineers an adventure to attempt to save them and return their sons home.
Link to fanfiction on the GoF: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=10020 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=10020)
Author: Mama's Girl
Any other comment: Will hopefully have updated before deadline as it is mostly finished.
Name of fanfiction: The Time Of Great Need
Short summary: Chomper arrives in The Great Valley with horrible news: His people, the Sharptooth, are dying! An unknown disease has infected the sharptooth and is causing a widespread epidemic among them. What's worse, they have absolutely no idea what's causing it; and they know even less how to cure it! Can Little Foot and his friends put aside their differences and come to the rescue of a species that have always been their sworn enemy, all for the sake of the one sharptooth who became their friend?
Link: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11358 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11358)
Author: Karkovice
Other comments: Wish me luck! :DD
Name of fanfiction: The Alternate Factor
Summary: Little Foot and his friends encounter the Rainbow Faces, and are taken aboard their spaceship for a "friendly visit". Suddenly, the ship encounters an ion storm; and they're whisked away to an alternate universe where prehistoric Earth is totally unlike the one they know! They find a world populated by Rainbow Faces, and the dinos that they know and are friends with are total strangers. Can Little Foot and his friends know enough not to interfere and cause unnecessary havoc and chaos on this alien world? Can the Rainbow Faces figure out how to get their ship back into the universe they belong?
Link: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11359 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11359)
Authors: Karkovice and The Chronicler
other comment: Wish me luck with this one as well. :DD
Name of fanfiction: Let Your Heart Guide You
Short summary:A story of how Littlefoot and Fyn's unshakeable friendship was set in stone. Following his twelfth Star Day, Fyn must undergo a challenge greater than anything he's ever faced, but when an unforeseen catastrophe ravages the Great Valley, someone close to him is gravely wounded. Running out of time to get a herd of dinosaurs out of the Great Valley, the wounded dinosaur is forced to make a decision he's made only once in his life- a decision that will impact both Fyn and Littlefoot and change their lives forever.
Link to fanfiction on the GoF: http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11377 (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11377)
Author(s): Fyn16 (YF-23ace on Fanfiction.net)
Any other comment: New story, currently under development. Expected to be finished sometime in Spring, 2013. I'm shooting for close to book length with this one.
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No one's stepping up to bat, so I guess I have to be the first again. :p
Fanfiction: Among Friends
I rate it: 8.5/10
Because: I really enjoyed this story. I loved your OC's of Fyn and Terra. The transformation that Fyn went through, to not judge people by looks, was done really well I think.
One thing I wanna discuss is Terra. It's interesting how she can be more friendly towards leaf eaters. Nothing from her back story outright says why she was so eager to help them at first. She came from Chomper's island (I'm just guessing here) so did Chomper's parents influence her maybe? Maybe she tried to look for any friends she could because she lost her parents? Maybe because she was a twobreed, no other sharptooth wanted anything to do with her? I don't really know, but it's fun to think about. :)
I also like how this has some very dark underlines in it. The Highlander's rituals are just plain scary. I would have thought the Gang would react much more negatively to finding it out, though. It's funny how they really went in to both of their plans, not knowing how they were going to get rid of the sharpteeth. The dialogue seemed in character to me. I just love Cera when she's being an ass. :DD I didn't really notice any bad grammer or anything, even though I wasn't specifically looking for any. Overall, I loved it. I've read some of your other story on here, but more on that later. :p
I'll just repeat again that I'm NOT promising to review all of the submitted stories this year. That was a really stupid thing to promise last year, and I won't repeat that mistake again. I'll do whatever I can, though. :)
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Oh do we vote here? I thought we vote on fanfic thread there made. :oops
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Nope, voting goes here. Otherwise I can't track it. You may of course review the stories in their topics, but that's more useful to the author than to me :) Voting for the fanfiction awards is in this topic only.
Thanks for the first review vonboy! :D
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Another fanfiction has been added for you to vote on: Quest for the Mask of Life.
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Really? No others? I'll help you on that.
FanFiction: PAST-O-RAMA
Rating: 5.2/10
Because:
Well, it wasn't what I thought it was going to be. The idea was nice of having a new creature live in the Great Valley, but it didn't have the same effect as other stories had. The characters had a different personality (especially Cera who was given a more cheery...which is a too strong of a word than what I'm looking for...disposition.).
Some of the stories were predictable like Episode 11. Yes, no one was there to explore so they go together...which was noticeable in the title, and when they explore the caves which you knew would turn out wrong like Cera slipping from a rock or the insta-death situation. (Although I did like the Cave -in idea.).
The story also lagged a bit especially in Episode 9. The whole story was basically asking the adults to find out why their kids are sleepy. The ending was great, but you can't see it until you finish the beginning.
Also, some of the episodes contained similar tropes that weren't unique to the series. For example, episode 4 contained a considerable amount of pauses in between the dialogues. Also the introductory in the first episode was another common one (except the ending of the introduction).
I liked how you reintroduced characters from previous sequels which was a major factor into influencing me to continue reading. The scripted idea is very original (in my opinion). Also, the fact you created a new plot and have new ideas must have taken some thought. A+ on that. However, I don't like how the plot is not fluent over the episodes.
I know I said a lot of negative, but I'm sure it will get better as you write. Keep up the good work.
So there you go...
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I was hoping to see more votes here since my eyes are doing better... Hopefully you guys can restore that hope! :D
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My computer Is down and set for repairs. I'm on my phone, for the time being. Once I get my CPU back, I have another review ready.
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Sure, no pressure :)
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So my computer never came back yet....and I made a promise, too so here is my next review via phone. Please excuse any punctuation, spelling errors, etc.
FanFiction: Pterano's Deception: The three Stones of Life.
Rating: 6.5/10
Because:
I just want to address the gramatical part of the story. This only had about 25% affect of the rating, so don't be too alarmed.
First, the story was not preread over as it should have. Some minor sentence structure errors, punctuation problems, and word usage errors. The sentences were a bit...off? (Don't know the right word for it.). Some of them had a mix of past and present tenses which can give an uncomfortable feeling to the reader. It also had short and wordy sentences. Better synonyms could be used to describe the dialogue or the reactions and such. The author's punctuation was a big one. The author use dialogues, but didn't separate them with a comma. This makes a reader continue to read thinking that someone is saying that. Sometimes, the author would forget to capitalize the first word in the sentence or in the quote itself. Sorry for this, but wanted to point that out.
Alright, now the meat...
The author had exceptional character analysis. I figured it was indirect since you didn't give us an accurate description of the mood and "style" of each character. That's okay, but it was hard to detect. The author needed to give a bit more details describing the characters or reference it to previous movies. The good thing the author did was giving Pterano his perfect disposition. It was well done and it felt just like him. Littlefoot, however, had more of a...relaxed?...personality. (Again...don't know the right word for this.). It just didn't seem like him at all.
The author had a good introduction to Pterano. I love how he referenced the 7th movie when meeting with Chomper. Thumbs up for that short segment.
Nicholai...I'm guessing the author's OC...had a good description about him. I like the way you added, "The colour of blood.". The author gave us a visual on how the antagonist was like without having to give a description. Even when the author did, it gave the readers a better understanding. Thumbs up, sir.
The introduction used the same trope as every other FanFiction. "Once ago...", which is a bit better than "a long time ago...", but still used too often. This will decline the readers of the interest in reading since they've seen it so many times. Also, another trope in the author's introduction was the what they did in the beginning...played a game. Again, this has been doing numerous times, and it can potentially deter people's interest in reading.
The author did a good job with distinguishing the sharptooth's language do that it doesn't sound like a bunch of jerbil.
The story arc was fluent over the films and a but more violent than the films itself. Nothing wrong with that...and actually, rather pleased.
The author's originality was impressive when it was made. Yes, there were some aspects that involved the use of previous ideas, but that was to keep the flow of the story moving. It could use some work, but very well made.
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Apologies for the delay for getting my review in. School's not long finished and I've been travelling about the first week of the summer hols.
Anyway, here goes!
Review for Where the Path Diverges
Rating: 7/10
Overall, this is a well written story that is properly structured in terms of prose, punctuation and layout. Paragraphs are a nice size and are broken up clearly when depicting a change in focus. So brownie points there! ;)
The story was a well thought out idea (albeit one that's be done a few times already) and, to its credit, stuck within its boundaries; not only of what was acceptable in the LBT world, but the plausibility of the situation being described. I.e. Chomper coming to terms with the fact that he is a sharptooth and will ultimately have to face his own departure from Littlefoot and co despite their powerful friendship bond. What was very well done was Chomper's constant battle with himself both instinctively (i.e. becoming one of the world's greatest predators) and physically whether it was with his friends or anyone else that crossed him. The tragedy of Chomper's fruitless fight with the forces of natural change and order was always descriptive and emotionally engaging and I always felt so sorry for CHomper having to go through such a violent transformation given how much we love Chomper's cutesy and friendly character in the series and movies. The ending was a welcoming change from a standard (and they all live happily ever after). Again it stays within the reams of its original idea without conforming to a cuddly and fluffy ending. It was satisfying without that glittery fairytale ending.
The characters were true to their nature and I liked Fyn as a character (although it would have been nice to get a little more on his back story) but I do feel there was a bit of an imbalance in their screen time (a common issue in quite a few fanfics I've read). It seems like Fyn, Chomper and Ruby (and Littlefoot to a lesser extent) get the limelight moreso than Cera, Ducky, Petrie or Spike and when they are used, it all seems a little bit token.
The script and "screenplay" of the story is generally good. The prose flows pretty well although a little too quick on the pacing for my liking. Things seem to just happen and occur without much of a build up or deep enough explanation. The drama was brilliant to a point that it was almost a fault. At times I was kinda hoping that things would perk up a bit and be a bit lighter in tone, even for a chapter or two. Granted, the tension is a main mechanic for this story; it's a strong player and plot driver for this story, which works perfectly. However, at times I was really wishing that it would lighten up coz at times I forgot I was reading a Land Before Time story coz of the doom and gloom in places. Don't get me wrong, the drama and tension worked when it was supposed to but was a too wallowy in the darkness for me. That being said, the actions scenes were entertaining to read albeit a little bit hard to follow at times. Still, it broke up the story and added a nice boost to the plot in terms of wanting to read on.
All in all, the story was well structured, the characters were accurately portrayed (despite the fact I'm not a huge fan of the gang being shown as older counterparts), the take on the idea of Chomper battling with himself is not a new idea but it did have a very refreshing ending. Tension and drama floods this story in shed loads and keeps it flowing and makes you want to read on to find out what happens next (exactly what a story is meant to do). Engaging, easy to read (mostly) and overall an entertaining story. And at only 13 chapters, very accessible to anyone. Not without its flaws (as any story has) but nothing so jarring it detracts you from the plot. Deffo worth the read! :D
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FanFiction: Among Friends
Rating: 8.3
Because:
I would like to start taking about the OC’s Terra and Fyn. There both great and I
love it how Terra hinds herself from Fyn at first, worried that she wouldn’t be accepted by Fyn. And it was cool you went back to the prequel a lot. I Love the creed and rituals you came up with. There amazing.
The story is like this…. The Highmountain Dwellers come to the great valley to ask for help to get rid of the two sharpteeth that terrorize the highmountains but are turn down by Mr Threehorn. But the gang follow them to see if there can help. I don’t won’t to say anymore just in case if others have not read the story yet.
One problem I had with the Fanfiction is that once you get into the fanfiction it ends before you know it. So in a way you could say it’s a bit too short. I guess for some people that’s alright.
Ending note: It's great and people should give it a go. It's great that it goes back to the prequel a lot which is great for the fans of the series.
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Like last year, I plan on voting for at least one fanfic for each author. It seems that with less submissions this year, that should be more feasible for me than last year.
Name of fanfiction: Battle of the Sacred Essences II: Corruption's Curse
Rating: 10/10
Review: Despite the fact that only four chapters have been added since last year's fanfiction award, I'm still giving this one the same perfect rating I gave it last year. Instead of repeating what I said last year, I'll comment on some of the latest chapters.
As I had mentioned many months ago, I really liked the throwback concept of chapter 29; mostly repeating Littlefoot's dream sequences from the first story, but with a twist at the end.
I also liked how Melissa had adjusted to living in the Great Valley with Ducky's family, for example making decorations out of flowers. It's an interesting perspective I had never even considered until I first read that chapter (chapter 30), likely because all of the "human in LBT" fanfics I've read feature a boy as the human protagonist and never a girl. I find it quite refreshing to see how a human girl could get used to living in the LBT world.
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Quite the generous rating there! The deadline of submitting of fanfictions has been postponed since the official awards have not started yet.
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Name of fanfiction: Among Friends
Rating: 9/10
Review: Clearly, this is not the first story in a series, since Fyn seems to have already been in the Great Valley for some time. However, this was the first (and so far only) fanfic by this author that I've read, mainly because Ruby and Chomper had a somewhat significant impact on the story.
It's been a few weeks since I read this fanfic, but I do remember certain things that I liked. Fyn's reason for not trusting any sharpteeth at first, because one was responsible for the death of his grandfather, is easy to understand. It might have taken him a while and required some dire circumstances, but it was nice to see his views change for the better by the end of the story.
I forget the name of that Highlander who tried to take over leadership of the herd, but I think he was a nice addition. That just goes to show why things have the potential to go very wrong when a population gets desperate for survival. (Fortunately in this case, the only casualty was said Highlander who had tried to take over)
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Review by The Friendly Sharptooth sent to me by email:
Pterano's Deception: The Three Stones of Life
Rating: 6/10
As with all stories this year, I am only reading the first few chapters. My time is vastly limited, and because endings can really change the score, and many people don’t have them yet, to make sure all final opinions are even, I’m only taking a few bites out of these LBT sandwiches.
The story opens like most LBT fanfictions do: A vague backstory of how this world works and a short introduction of the characters. As a result, the story did not hook me in and instead gave me few anticipations for what would come. Even the ending of the prologue left no questions, no assumptions, no dread. It was merely the children playing.
The sentence structures are often confusing, leading me to reread sentences multiple times to figure out what the author meant. Here is an example:
Cera was voted to find everyone but before she could find the others she had to count to twenty. But Cera was annoyed because Spike was always the one who had to find the others. Even know this sounded unfair for Spike, he like it. It always improved his sense of smell which was always a life saver when there adventure into the Mysterious Beyond. And was a fun to try and hide from him which is always been a challenge. But Spike had gone with his own kind the Spike tails for a few days. He would be staying with his friend Tippy and her mother for a few weeks and then come back to The Great Valley.
I couldn’t figure out at first if Cera was annoyed that Spike always got to count resulting in her rarely getting a turn of her own, or if she was annoyed because he was always the counter so she never had to bother with it before and now she had to. When the exact meaning opposite meaning is possibly conceived, there really needs to be some work with how things are worded.
The grammar made it especially difficult to get through in one read. I rarely went more than two sentences without finding a misspelling, a tense shift, or confusing word combinations. A proofreader would have amped up this story’s readability substantially.
The dialogue sounded a little forced, like they were saying exactly what the plot needed without any extra pep or uniqueness, and the detail outside of the spoken words was lacking. During the conversation between Chomper and Pterano, there were things like:
'So what's your name?' Chomper said
The flyer didn't say anything. He was still in shock that a sharptooth was in the great valley.
'My name is Chomper, what's yours?'
The Flyer then had the courage to speak and answer his question…
'My name is Pterano' the flyer said
Instead of:
Chomper stepped closer to the flyer cautiously, not sure if he was friend or foe. The chilling gusts of air from deeper inside certainly didn’t ease his nerves any further. There were a few leaky sections of the roof of the grotto, and the anti-rhythmic melody accompanied the increasing beat of his heart. With a nervous but still optimistic expression, he wrapped his arms around himself and addressed the grownup as casually as he could.
“So, uh, what’s your name?” Chomper asked, trying to be friendly as he shifted his feet.
The flyer, however, was still stupified from what he was seeing. A sharptooth was- talking to him? Perhaps the exhaustion from his journey had blurred his line of reality. He blinked a few times, but he could not shake the belief that what stood before him was not a falsity.
They both stood there in awkward silence, the sharptooth expecting a reply, and the flyer still trying to regain his senses. The child, fortunately, was determined to make this work. He slowly edged closer and sat down beside him, leaning back on the cave wall to lighten the air in the room. Placing his hands behind his head as he reclined, he tried again, offering his own title as well.
“I’m Chomper by the way. Neat name, huh?” he remarked with a chuckle. “And if you’re okay with answering, what do dinosaurs call you?”
The flyer, at last, found his tongue and heaved a heavy sigh before replying, “My name is of little consequence, boy.” Without glancing, he knew the little sharptooth was looking disappointed. He wasn’t insensitive, but he had plenty of his own troubles disconcerting him. On the other wing, he felt a growing warmth from this child and felt obligated to return the favor. “It’s- Pterano...” With a strong sense of melancholy, his speech was well reserved. He did not keep eye contact with his visitor, impolite as he knew it to be, but he felt too low to meet anyone’s gaze. The pitter-patter of the dripping water and his graveness left the scenario feeling eerie.
In short, this story would make a very nice first draft for a fanfiction, not a finished work for posting.
The lengths of the chapters were too short. They’d be great for comic book chapters, but this isn’t a comic book. It would have served this story better to have combined multiple segments into one, but implementing would do little good with the plot holes. It seems as if the story was not proofread thoroughly, as there were things like this:
'All right I might as well tell you. It's only a few more days before it's over anyway' Pterano said almost forgetting that Chomper was even there.
Later:
'Right I shall now begin. About five cold seasons ago I try to get the power from the stone of cold fire! There was me and my two flyer friends Rinkus and Sierra. We had heard a longneck saw the stone of cold fire fall from the sky. So on the night we were about to leave to go and find it but there was a swimmer eavesdropping on our plans'
Later:
'I'd stay out from the great valley and lived in the Mysterious Beyond for one winter. And I just couldn't do it anymore!' Pterano said.
That does not make sense. Pterano literally said: I was banished for five winters. Nearly five winters have gone by. My time is nearly over. (Good so far, but then...) I stayed out for ONE WINTER AND COULD NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.
Proofreading work is essential and lacking in this story.
The story is mostly a lot of talking and playing. Where are the shocking plot twists? The interruptions? The danger? The final chapter I read, Meet Zoran the Psychopath, seemed to finally get this story moving, however. That was, in my opinion, the first place where this story became interesting, and a story shouldn’t be several chapters in before there are any thrills. Everything before this chapter should have been condensed and amped up for more excitement into a prologue then this chapter should have been the first. After many chapters, all we got was conversations and hide and seek. This may appeal somewhat to the youngest of LBT fanfiction readers, but it’s no thriller for older minds.
On the other hand, this chapter was amazing. It was like reading an entirely different author’s work, as the creativity and energy was jacked up ten fold. The characters introduced here, the mystery, and the danger was very well orchestrated. My eyes finally widened as this chapter came up. It’s just unfortunate this fanfiction turned into a dinner in the sense that all the vegetables had to be gone through before we got any taste of desert. This story did have some strong points, though.
It got several chuckles out of me, something I cannot say for many LBT stories. For example, Mr. Threehorn unintentionally calling himself fat was quite a hoot:
He ran towards the direction of the scent just like spike would if he was trying to find food. But then without warning he bumped into someone. At first Chomper thought it was a hard rock of some kind but no it was Mr Threehorn and he was not please at all. In fact Mad would be the prefect word for the mood of Mr Threehorn was in.
'Who was that!' shouted Mr Threehorn
'Sorry Mr Threehorn I didn't see you there' Chomper said worrying what Mr Threehorn was going to say next.
'I find that very hard to believe don't you?' Mr Threehorn said
The characters were kept very canon, Cera being sort of mean, Littlefoot moping for a long time (like in I, VIII, XI and other times), Pterano acting remorseful, Chomper being friendly, and so forth. It was nice for the scenes to be split so we wouldn’t be forced just to listen to the conversation. Having an action scene parallel a social one is very good writing. Another thing is that the author was clearly trying in many regards. There was visible effort put into making this work, especially when Zoran comes into the picture. Thanks to the final chapter I went through, giving this an actual plot, mystery, uniqueness, and excitement, I can give it one more point than before I’d seen it. I give this story a 6/10. Apparently, psychopathic flyers have the power to destroy averageness, heh heh.
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Review by The Friendly Sharptooth #2:
Among Friends
Rating: 9/10
As with all stories this year, I am only reading the first few chapters. My time is vastly limited, and because endings can really change the score, and many people don’t have them yet, to make sure all final opinions are even, I’m only taking a few bites out of these LBT sandwiches.
Now this is what I call a strong opening! What a refreshing treat to find an LBT fanfiction with a powerful hook- and in first person, too! It was also nice that it had a summary so people could know if this was their kind of story or not before actually reading it, just like a book. Going even further, this story worked in reverse, another unique element in an LBT story. The story begins with the character being a certain way and recalling what brought him to this, a flashback. The author really knows how to get the ball rolling.
The time setting of this was well written. The author didn’t spell it out. He used historical events to allow true fans to realize that this takes in between the thirteenth movie and the television series. Ruby and Chomper moved in after the final movie, and when the series started, they were already there.
One day, however, an event occurred that changed things forever. Two newcomers arrived in the Valley: a Fastrunner called Ruby and a Sharptooth called Chomper.
The dialogue was fun and peppy. Readers can identify quickly what the OC’s were like, and best of all, the author did not TELL us what they were like; he SHOWED us.
He shook his head, and faced his sister.
"Okay, early is fine with me, but did you really have to wake me up like that?"
Salde snickered, "No, but it was fun!"
"Well, that makes one of us," Fyn said, walking over to Rya, who was waiting for the two of them.
"Good morning, Fyn," Rya said curtly to her brother.
"Morning," Fyn replied. "You up for this?"
Surprisingly, his sister, who always complained when faced with something like this, smiled. "I sure am. I'll bet I can even beat you to the top."
Fyn smiled slightly. "We'll see."
A hyper one, a serious one, and a settled (who is revealed later to be very logical and worried, too) one- a great combination. Furthermore, the author played with grammar, making the talking more realistic, things like “wanna” instead of “want to.”
The pacing of the story is fast, yet not too much to allow readers a thrill they can keep up with. The author employed a massive amount of creativity, using things like a mixed breed dinosaur, something I have never seen before. There are continuous hooks to keep readers engaged, like wondering what will come of Fyn’s rightful paranoia, what that stalker is going to do, and how the protagonists following the farwalkers is going to play out. The author either has great natural talent or has done his homework on how to set up a story and have it play out. Either way, this story is very high quality.
There are plenty of breaks in dialogue for conversations to really feel like a scene and not a phone call. Characters’ thoughts and actions are given some detail. The story had plenty of action and suspense, and it wasn’t too long. The characters were kept canon, and I can’t say a chapter left me bored. Proofreading was evident.
On the flipside, there were few long paragraphs, and so the story lacked many strong breaks, moments to really think and catch a big breather to see the situation. There just weren’t enough periods were something was described in great detail, like the scenery, a character’s thoughts or feelings, or an event. Nearly everything was told in one or two liners, and the conversations can last a long time without something actually happening midway. Therefore, the viewability and ambiance can be a little low at times.
I hate referencing my own stories, as I always sound pompous and conceited, and because I’m just an aspiring writer, but it’s just faster to find an official example this way. In a story I’m writing, one scene goes as follows:
“Asp fell to his knees with an unfocused look of disbelief. He had felt comfort in his oncoming doom because Syn was safe. Syn would make it. Syn could have a family. Syn had a bright future to live. Now…
He stopped hearing sounds. Littlefoot kept yelling to Syn to stop and turn around, but everything was surreal to the male yellowbelly. The whole world seemed to be moving in slow motion. Dil licked her chops as yet another morsel of food came right into their clutches. At her proximity, she could never escape their captors. She was as doomed as the rest of them.
In a sense, Asp had an invincible quantity of sanity. Nothing anyone could do to him directly could faze him enough for a breakdown, not even impending death. However, he did have a weakness, though it lay in another. Syn was the reason he enjoyed life, the pillar that supported his drive to carry on. Threaten that foundation, and that, and that alone, was the only way to shake his grip on reality. When he saw a ray of hope, he could hold on tightly enough, but thrust her future into perpetual darkness, and darkness is all he would see.”
Throwing in some lengthy paragraphs can really enhance the mood and give a stronger visual of the scenario.
Moving on, the focus was always on the speakers; there wasn’t some background event happening. Turning something like this:
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Wanna go out?”
“I sure do.”
“Like the Thundering Falls?”
“Yes, let’s go there.”
Into:
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Third character yawns in boredom and goes over to pick some flowers.
“Wanna go out?”
“I sure do.”
“Like the Thundering Falls?”
Third character had by now picked quite a bouquet and was rejoining her friends.
“Yes, let’s go there.”
Really helps. Having layers really amps up a scene’s mood. And I feel horrid for referencing my own work twice in one review, but it’s a lot faster than finding a finished example in a random story. One example of this is in a work I am writing:
”’What are you doing, Oz?” Strut quickly asked, but Ozzie quickly elbowed him in the gut, causing him to stumble backwards and almost crush a buzzer on the ground. It flew up in frenzy, assaulting him relentlessly as Strut began running around and swatting without focus. His yelps had no effect on the conversation, however.
“It doesn’t hurt much, but, uh- son? You guys aren’t-” Chomper began, his head drowning even worse than he’d been earlier.
“You poor thing…” Ozzie lamented, setting him down gently and turning away with the back of his wrist to his forehead. “I’m sorry we have to give the news again, especially after how hard it was to take the first time. Your parents were killed, uh-” Ozzie thought back to something that defined his encounters with the little sharptooth he could use for a name, “Shadow. My brother and I took you in, and we’ve been living happily together for some time now.”
Strut continued running in wide circles around the two, swatting the air with needless emphasis and shouting at the thing to go away to no avail. One of his swings actually hit the buzzer in midair, but that only served to make it angrier as it flew into him all the more aggressively.
“Now then,” Ozzie continued, “you say you’ve forgotten why we’re all here?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. It’s just, the memory thing…” he replied, rubbing his head some more.
Ozzie smiled and replied, “I’m just glad you’re alright, and I do hope you remember your past soon.” He did not.
Strut now had now taken to clutching a fallen stone tooth from the ground and was swinging it vehemently at his assailant. The insect dodged each blow with ease and made mocking faces. As a result, Strut managed to swat him hard. Bye-bye buzzer. He breathed a sigh of relief and set his weapon down, or rather, dropped it on his foot and began hopping around the room single-footedly, clutching his injury in pain, and crying, “Ow, ow, ow!”
Lovingly, Ozzie bent down, scooped up the little sharptooth, and hugged him snuggly. Chomper in turn realized rather quickly that his “dad” had no concept of gentleness, and he squirmed with discomfort. He wondered if he always wriggled when his father hugged him. If so, the child was also curious why he’d never taken the time to explain this malpractice to him…
Then, rather abruptly, Ozzie changed the subject, setting him down in the process. “Now, to remind you about what why we’re here, we are eggeaters, after all. Today we’re going to be eating food from this place, the Great Valley,” Ozzie explained matter-of-factly.
Chomper may not have recalled his past, but his lack of stupidity remained intact. He was no eggeater. Or maybe sharpteeth could eat that way too? He had so many questions, but he felt it would save time to save them and simply wait for his memories to return. He hoped that would be soon.
In his hops of agony, Strut eventually stepped right on a mildly-sharp stone, lost his balance with a yelp of pain, and landed on his back with a thud. “Ugh…” he moaned as his eyes rolled around.
“Are you okay?” Chomper asked worriedly, looking in his direction.
Strut faced him dizzily and gave him a thumb up sign before a protruding rock fell from the ceiling onto his head, knocking him out.”
I have Chomper and Ozzie in the foreground talking, and I have Strut in the background for comedic effect. It isn’t wise to do this all the time; it just depends on the focus needed and mood of the conversation.
In conclusion, this is one of the best LBT fanfictions I have ever read, it just could have used more lengthy paragraphs and conversation interruptions/events. I give it a 9/10.
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Title: The Time Of Great Need
Rating:8/10
Becuase:
I first just started looking at this a couple hours ago in curiosity, and I just couldn't stop reading it! I especially like Chomper oriented stories, and this one was no exception.
It was interesting in the way your wrote this. You made out the dinosaur world to be very tribal in nature. You even went so far as to give all the character's special names, make up rituals and ceremonies, beliefs, ect for this. The dialogue was kind of weird in spots, but you could also tell the purpose behind it being so. I'll say the first couple of chapters were more weird in it's dialogue, then it improved a lot.
You came close to Brekclub here, as far as being so... weird. It was things like that longneck giving his life for the sick sharpteeth, to Cera saying Chomper's family could have some of his dead father's meat. You didn't make these unbelievable in the contest of the stories, world, though. It's still just... weird, even if I do like dark things in stories like this. :lol
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Title: Impossible Reach
Rating: 7.5/10
(Note: I would prefer if you did not count my rating unless it is beneficial. I really wanted to rate this story, but if my rating is lower than others, I feel it shouldn't count because I currently have entries here.)
Because: This was a very good read. The beginning lost a few points from me because it started off rather abruptly. I didn't really sense any sort of "lead in." However, after that, the story really picked up. I enjoyed your characterizations and the use of a new Sharptooth: the Spitter. I enjoy reading about and writing in new dinosaurs, since the prehistoric world was by no means limited to the creatures we see on the LBT movies. The character Harper was really well fleshed-out, too, instead of being put into the story for the sake of having an OC, as I've seen happen with fanfics all too many times before. Good prose, as well. There were a few parts where the characters' speech didn't seem "in character" (if that makes any sense) but they were few and far between. In short, this is one of the best fics I've read on this site.
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Every vote counts and is necessary to be counted towards the total number. Next to that, this fanfiction did not have any votes yet so you make the starter.
On the other hand, I do hope that the author comes here and votes herself, otherwise the fanfiction won't be eligible :(
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Thanks for letting me know! I just wanted to make sure. :smile
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Quite the generous rating there! The deadline of submitting of fanfictions has been postponed since the official awards have not started yet.
Speaking of which... when do the official awards start?
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As soon as we've prepared everything; anytime now the awards will start :)
Review by TFS:
Title: Where Paths Diverge
Rating: 8/10
As with all stories this year, I am only reading the first few chapters. My time is vastly limited, and because endings can really change the score, and many people don’t have them yet, to make sure all final opinions are even, I’m only taking a few bites out of these LBT sandwiches.
As this author is known, the story had a great hook to get readers invested and continued to engage us with canon character control and a serious plot. Many stories have tried covering what the future holds for Chomper as an adult, like him having to leave before he does anything or living off other resources. I must say, I do favor this depiction. Many writers have talked about instinct and Chomper, but this author SHOWS us instinct with Chomper. What's amusing is the conflict here. Stories can be man against man, man against nature, or man against himself, and I really love that this story has taken the latter in focus, something I rarely see (as a central theme, that is, as stories like Out of the Shadows have it as a subplot).
If I had to title the theme, it would choice versus destiny. We have a character born to be something, be a certain way, but his personality and influence in life have resulted in a very rare resistance to what is expected of his kind. "I can make my own destiny!" Him actually talking to his instincts which take the form of a second personality here was just genius in my opinion. There was a lot of setup for immense emotion with this plot. However, that's where my criticism begins.
This story's plot and advancement was great. Even after there being danger in the presence of Chomper now, his friends still stuck by him, and that was a really realistic and powerful way of portraying the gang. Some deep emotion could have really stirred here- but it didn't. The reason is the lack of paragraphs. Unless writing a graphic novel or comic book where the pictures do half the work, you need chunks of writing to be emotionally invested. It's hard to feel for a character in a story full of mostly just one or two liners. Look at this scene:
Littlefoot and his friends were struck dumb by what Chomper had just told them. He'd never tried to hurt anyone before. Why now?
"Chomper," Littlefoot said, "are you sure?"
"I wish I could deny it," he replied simply. Fyn spoke next.
"But I've never seen you act aggressively towards anyone. You're gentler than most of the Leaf-Eaters here."
That was set up very well to be a deep, emotional scene, but the lack of description in the form of paragraphs caused readers to really gloss over this. Here's an example:
The only sound to be heard was the wind howling through the reeds. Littlefoot and his friends just stood there, struck dumb by what Chomper had just told them. As their eyes widened in shock, and fear began seeping into the backs of their minds, they shifted uncomfortably. He'd never tried to hurt anyone before. Never. Not once. So why now? Being his best friend, Littlefoot was going to find out. He swallowed and summoned his courage to confront this awkward subject.
"Chomper," he began, stepping forward with a gentle expression, "are you- sure?" He tried his best to hide the quivering in his voice.
Chomper didn't answer. Though he wasn't hanging his head, he would not meet the longneck's eyes, only stared at the ground. He felt a burning in his nose that always came right before tears, but he tensed, trying to be strong and hide his grief. He took a deep breath through his mouth but still couldn't find the right words.
Ruby placed a hand on his side, and he returned her gaze. For once, Ruby had no words, but her expression clearly said, "It's alright. We're all friends here, all friends here we are."
Chomper's face turned away one final time before he forced it to look up, and he replied at last, "I wish- I wish I could deny it..." he replied somberly. "But- but I-"
Fyn saved him with an interruption. He knew how hard this must be to discuss. Kindness is how to help, how to heal, and Chomper needed as much as he could get right now.
"Chomper," he began, and the sharptooth looked at him, ""I've never seen you act aggressively towards anyone, anyone at all. You're- you're one of gentlest dinosaurs in the whole valley!"
There is more feeling when the story slows down and really puts emphasis on what is happening in a small scene. Otherwise, it feels more like the characters are reading a script. Furthermore, on the subject of it sounding rehearsed, the dialogue was written too well. That may sound like a joke, but the dialogue's grammar was too perfect. Again, I'm being serious. Characters don't talk grammarically correct all the time. It's important for a university paper but not for dialogue in a story. If the words don't fit the way characters naturally talk, it feels more like reading a story than feeling like you've delved into a whole new world.
Stories need things like, "Wanna, gotcha, 'kay, comin', Don't know, c'mon, eh... mehbe, etcetera," otherwise, the dialogue just sounds a bit stiff. Odd as it may sound, perfect grammar can weaken a story.
Another thing this story had some trouble with is unnecssary commas- a lot of them. They were for different reasons, but the main one was thinking subordinating conjunctions get the same treatment as coordinating ones do; they'd don't. When you have two independent clauses seperated by a coordinating conjunction, you put a comma before the conjunction:
"I love you, but I can't stay!"
"We must sing and dance, for we are so much better as a ream!"
"I can run to the store, or you can ride your bike there."
However, subordinating conjunctions, when seperating independent clauses, do NOT get seperated by a comma:
"I like you because you helped me."
"I'll cook the fish when you decide to stop being mean."
"The committee has agreed to your request since you saved the town."
There are many subordinating conjunctions, and it would prove beneficial to look them up so as to avoid unnecessary commas.
In conclusion, this story has everything readers have come to expect from this author, a fast-moving plot, realistic characters, very unique ideas, and enough surprises to keep readers engaged. However, it suffered more from lack of paragraphs than his last, as the more emotion and turmoil, the greater the need for bigger chunks of writing, so even if both stories had the same amount of paragraphs, this one had worked up more of an appetite for bigger meals than one or two liners. This one also seemed to have more unneeded commas than the first. Like additional stories should, the plot here was deeper than before, but the lack of extra details as it moved along made what would have been a very heartwrenching tale more potential than anything else. A great story but inferior to the first. I give it an 8/10.
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The Land Before Time: A Long-Lost Friend
As with all stories this year, I am only reading the first few chapters. My time is vastly limited, and because endings can really change the score, and many people don't have them yet, to make sure all final opinions are even, I'm only taking a few bites out of these LBT sandwiches.
The story does have a warm, inviting atmosphere to it, but it's not all that exciting. It's the equivalent of taking your kids to a park playground and watching them. You like seeing them happy and having fun, but that's all. There is so much banter that could have been greatly reduced to a few lines that I kept finding myself instinctively skimming to find some action.
A story with few dire events can work well. This exists in things like dramas and romances where action can successfully be almost non existent. However, these stories focus heavily on character development, emotions, and relationships, something this story hasn't done much. It's pleasant and gives a nice feeling to read and I find to be soothing as well, but nothing is happening. Most of the chapters should be more like the prologue- some event. It's reminiscent of Beowulf, how he'd go off on some dangerous adventure to slay something followed by talking- and talking- and talking. The only difference is, Beowulf had additional major events happening after so much talking. Here, nothing has really occured since the prologue. Openings are usually the blandest part of stories in terms of action. They set the stage, provide backstory, or give an exemple of the times. This did the latter alright, but stories are supposed to increase in interest, not dwindle as it goes on.
This story did create a very interesting mystery which allowed a hook, but it's the only hook. We readers are very curious as to why Littlefoot and company want to hide the fact there's a nice sharptooth out there, but there needs to be more than a mystery sometimes to make a story fun from start to finish, instead of this- just waiting for the answer and for things to get really good.
A story written more like a play is unique, and it's nice to see some refreshing ideas out there. As mentioned previously, this is definitely one of the better prologues I've come across. The characters were canon, something especially noteworthy since they're older, so this successfully incorporated their personalities combined with increased maturity- very nice. The children took after their parents, another nice touch, though a bit more three dimensionalism may prove fruitful as time goes on, not just following the base trait of their parents to the very end. Offspring can take after their parents, but they shouldn't be their parents.
The dialogue was very realistic though I think it being less so would have given the story more energy. It sounds like what I'd really hear if I really sat down and eavesdropped on people, not so much a fantasy adventure.
Despite all the OCs, you managed to control everyone efficiently though no one has done much yet. On the other hand, managing to hold readers due to mystery alone is quite a feat, as usually I need some action as well to keep me going. If this was purely a mystery story, this would work better, but it lacks the qualities to be considered for the mystery genre. Next up is the grammar errors which there are a lot of. Some spell checkers come with a grammar checker too, something I'd invest in. For younger audiences, this is no issue. For older-minded people, it's a frequent distraction.
Despite issues, I reiterate that the tone is just wonderful. A warm, friendly feeling when reading a story is something I don't find often, and it was pulled off very well here. It really does mimic hanging around a park or forest. Because it lacks tension (yet), it serves as a very readable story for tired people, as when stressed, important events and plot twists are the last thing I want to delve into, so congratulations on the very nice ambience. Your descriptions on the scenery (while vague) are enough to really let readers see where your characters are, and because of your lack of detail, some imaginaion is allowed here. Sometimes it's good to be very specific, but things like just saying a waterfall or meadow really work for this simple story.
In short, this story is very easy and relaxing to read, but too many readers want more than just that. The dialogue lacks pep but is believable and canon, and the great mystery does its job of keeping readers hooked to the end. It was written in a unique prose which worked very well for this, and the voice of the story is very sunny. Still, due to a lack of events and having mostly just conversations about typical things, this story just lacks thrills outside of the prologue. Definintely above average, I give this a 6/10.
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Past-O-Rama
As with all stories this year, I am only reading the first few chapters. My time is vastly limited, and because endings can really change the score, and many people don't have them yet, to make sure all final opinions are even, I'm only taking a few bites out of these LBT sandwiches.
A comedy/adventure story about a human that goes back in time where hilarious antics ensue- that's a pretty cool idea. It's written like a play, something that worked well with the story. There wasn't much plot though, like the characters were just going wherever the wind took them. There wasn't much focus here, no real goal. The story did get some chuckles out of me, like the narrator giving up, and not many stories do this for me. The lighthearted feel was comfortable to read, allowing an inviting tone in any mood. But this story has one major flaw that makes it hard to get through- verbosity.
Things that could have easily and still elegantly been covered in a couple lines went on and on and on. Take the introductions. There was nothing strange about them, and they just took so long. There's a scientist here with future technology. Take advantage of this! Even the introductions in movie IX were more engaging, as they had variety. First off, one of them was introduced prior to, resulting in all the introductions not bunched together. One had some fun dialogue and a stunt, another just praise, another done by someone else which ended in a tone shift, etcetera. A lot could have happened here. For example, "The professor knew how bland introductions can be, so he pressed the "Skip Boringness" button on his watch, bypassing all the exchanges. BZZT. He instantly appeared two minutes into the future. 'It was nice meeting you all,' he concluded." Instead, we get a meeting like 95% of LBT stories.
As for the verbosity, small things took far too long. Take this, for example:
Ruby: "Oh, I didn't find it, Shorty did!"
Shorty breaks out of some bushes, and prances up into the middle of the group.
Shorty: "That right, I found that rock!"
Ruby: "So, where did you find it?"
Shorty: "Well... not in the Great Valley"
Ducky: "How not in the Great Valley?"
Shorty: "...The Mysterious Beyond!"
All of that would have been better if it was simply:
Ruby: "Oh, I didn't find it, Shorty did- out in the Mysterious Beyond!"
Length doesn't equal quality. To make successful long chats, there needs to be some pep, surprise, and point. Otherwise, use the least words possible to keep the story moving.
Still on the dialogue, it sounded so rehearsed, like it wasn't really happening. Compare the story to the following example:
Cera: "It just isn't like Chomper to go out on his own. He's so young. Younger than any of us."
Petrie: "Seems like we have to babysit him sometimes, Don't it?
They hear the Professor's pleas for help as well.
Cera: "What was that?"
Ducky: "It's the Professor. He sounds like he's in trouble."
Cera: "Well, he can handle it himself. We need to find Chomper."
And now:
Cera: What!? That isn't like him at all! That hatchling needs to learn his place, hmph!
Petrie: /Sigh Babysitting again.
Professor: Eyahhhhh!
Cera: What the-
Ducky: Sounds that professor guy! He's in trouble!
Cera: Pfft. Forget him. We're going to find Chomper.
Exclamation points and fragments are a dialogue writer's friends. Of course, complete sentences and good grammar can work if the wording is clever enough. Here's an excerpt from The Twelth Night:
SIR TOBY BELCH
What’s wrong with my niece? Why is she reacting so strangely to her brother’s death? Grief is bad for people’s health.
MARIA
For God’s sake, Sir Toby, you’ve got to come home earlier at night. My lady Olivia, your niece, disapproves of your late-night partying.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Well, she can get used to it.
MARIA
Yes, but you need to keep yourself within the limits of order and decency.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Keep myself? The only thing I’m keeping myself in is the clothes I’m wearing. They’re good enough to drink in, and so are these boots. If they aren’t, they can go hang themselves by their own laces!
Readers need to feel energy and authors need to be lenient with people's attention spans.
Another thing that could have been improved is the whole commercial break thing. Authors should show, not tell. There should have been some work there. Just repeating that line sounds monotonous. Actually creating little uncanon commercials would have been humorous. For example:
Commercial Break
Littlefoot: Are your scales itchy? Do you find bathing under waterfalls to leave this dry feeling? Try this: oil of tree star. It makes even the toughest flesh feel hatchling smooth.
Cera: Yeah! My knees were always so rough and flaky, but thanks to oil of tree star, they're so nice now!
Littlefoot: Pity it doesn't work on attitudes...
Cera: What was that!?
Littlefoot: Oil of tree star, friends, for that silky-smooth sensation. Get it at your local valley now for only three shiny stones plus tax.
Cera: Hey, answer me!
(Resume chapter.)
The were some very creative jokes here, but like other things, they were drowned out by too many words. Some famous quotes that apply here are:
Thomas Jefferson said, “The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do."
Charles Mingus said, “Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that’s creativity.”
William Strunk and E.B. White said, “Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unnecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer make all his sentences short, or that he avoid all detail and treat his subject only in outline, but that every word tell. “
I wish I could say more of this story, but that main issue is just too much talking. The setup is creative, the characters act as they should, the jokes are fresh, but one fault is all a story takes to not work. Another thing, though less significant in comparison, is the lack of action. Sure, there is a good amount in there, but the ratio of talking to doing is too small. For tons of talking, we get a few happenings. This story was clearly meant to be a comedy adventure, but the author may wish to invest more in the drama genre which is supposed to have a higher emphasis on talking than anything else. I have read many mangas listed under drama where the characters do almost nothing but talk for hundreds of pages, and it's very interesting. It just doesn't work for an adventure kind of thing.
The author clearly put a lot of work into this; that's very evident. There were some very interesting scenes that glowed with creativity, but there was also a lacking of direction. This story tried doing too much yet ended up accomplishing very little so didn't have much of an identity. I can't sum up what this is in a few words, but I should for a story. If the chapters were maybe 1/3 or 1/4 their size, and the author allowed more things to be implied than spelled out, this comedy adventure could have been much funnier and more lively. Instead, I see a lot of potential that could have blossomed and a pocket knife that's too hard to open from having an excess of tools. I give this a 4/10.
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Let's see if we can get this voting back on track. Here's one I really enjoyed!
Fanfiction: Quest for the Mask of Life
Rating: 8.5/10
Because:
First, I want to start by saying this. Anyone can do a crossover story; it takes a good writer to actually do a crossover story well, and that's what I see with this work.
Chronicler, you did a very good job providing realistic dialogue, portraying the characters well (especially Ruby), keeping the reader engaged, and not making anything happen too quickly. Lots of details in this story were well-explained, and you were descriptive to the point that I could actually picture where the characters were and what was going on (granted, it probably helped that I used to be really into Bionicle as well). There are, however, a few things which kept me from rating this story higher.
First, as several other reviews within the story pointed out, a few names are thrown into the mix without necessarily explaining the story behind them. This can be confusing to those who aren't as familiar with the world of Bionicle. Second, I'd like to point out something that was pointed out to me in one of my fics: make sure to throw in action or descriptions between dialogue. It really helps to break it up and add a little "spice," if you will.
I really like this story. It's a good model for what a crossover should be like, and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for submitting this work!
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Name of fanfiction: A Long-Lost Friend
Rating: 8.5/10
Because:
I actually reviewed this tale once before, but I wasn't very in-depth about it, so here's the nitty-gritty: I really like this script. From the start to the current finish point, I was intrigued. The characters were engaging, and the OCs were fresh and well thought-out. That said, here are a couple of things I feel could have been improved: there was a lot of talking. I know this is a movie script, but even small actions should be documented. Next, I feel the intro with the Spiketails could have been a bit more "dramatized." It was over pretty quickly, and I felt it kind of lacked emotion.
Overall, however, a very good story!
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Thanks for the votes! There are 2 more weeks of voting left (will end together with the actual awards). If you have some spare time, the following 2 fanfictions will still need at least 1 review:
The Alternate Factor
Let Your Heart Guide You
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I apologize, then. I can't rate "The Alternate Factor," because I am unable to access fanfiction.net. I'd still love to read it, but I will probably not get access in time. With that said- other people reading this post, try to get to fanfiction.net to review "The Alternate Factor." Everyone deserves a shot at these awards, and this story sounds good, so if you have the time, give it a read!
In addition, I also have a fic that requires at least one review, but that's secondary. I already have other fics entered here. Remember to review- time is running out!
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My previous post wasn't just addressed to you, but also to others visiting this topic of course :) So yeah guys go vote for those! :D
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Sorry about that. Some misunderstanding on my part. :oops
No hard feelings?
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Sorry about that. Some misunderstanding on my part. :oops
No hard feelings?
Of course not ^^ It's great that you are willing to review even more fanfictions, I really appreciate that. It's simply confusing that 'you' in English can mean 1 person or everyone in the room :lol
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Name of fanfiction: Among Friends
Rating: 10/10
Review: This story is classic LBT, only with a little more violence than I remember from the movie or the TV show. The storyline, from begnning to end, followed a logical sequence. The Fastrunners from that valley evoked ancients tribes who did human sacrifices.
It also evokes the classis "racist" attitude flattooth had towards sharptooth. It was also quite refreshing to see another friendly sharptooth, other than Chomper.
Whoever wrote this did a fine job!
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Name of fanfiction: The Three Stone Of Life
Rating: 5/10
Review: I'm sorry to say, but this story needs more work.
If the author somehow reads this, let me state for the record that this is just a little constructive criticism. I've noticed many spelling and grammar mistakes in the chapters you've put up so far, which leaves the impression that English is not your first language. Am I correct in assuming that? If so, than I'm more perceptive than I give myself credit for. :p
I will, however, give you an "A" for effort! The storyline does follow a logical sequence, which is what makes a good story work. Don't take what I say here like you would the word of God, though. I'm often very critical about such things and set high standards for myself. Others, though, may not. They may read your story and say "Awesome!" or "A-1" :smile
I thank you for your attention.
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Name of Fanfiction: The Alternate Factor
Rating: 10/10
Because:
Wow.
Okay, there's a very good reason why this is the only perfect rating I've ever given: this is one of the best written and thought-out stories I've ever read. Ever. When I started writing, the first LBT fanfic I did was a Star Trek/LBT crossover, and I only wish it had been half as good as this.
Granted this is not, strictly speaking, a Star Trek fic, but it is heavily inspired by the series, and in fact, parallels it. Most stories that try this method fail, but in this case, the parallels actually add to the situational humor and believability. The story was engaging from start to finish, employing subplots to keep the reader engaged. It was a manageable length as well. I was able to read this within a day. There were no noticeable grammatical errors, either, kind of a pet peeve of mine.
If I were to suggest one little nitpicky thing to improve, it would be the beginning. There's really no lead-in explaining what happened before the gang arrived on the Enterprise. It would have been nice to see what their conversation before arriving on the ship would have been like... but I digress. Most Star Trek episodes don't do this either, so this has no bearing on my rating. Very good job, Karkovice! I raise a glass of Saurian brandy to thee for an outstanding tale!
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Name of fanfiction: The Land Before Time: A Long-Lost Friend
Rating: 6/10
Review: This story has a lot of potential, but with barely more than an introduction done so far, there's not a lot of material for me give an accurate rating. I will say that it's nice to see your speculation of what the "next generation" would be like, especially with the idea of the name "Littlefoot" being a family tradition. Also, I'm pretty sure I already know who this "friendly sharptooth" really is. ;)
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Name of fanfiction: Pterano's Deception: The Three Stones of Life
Rating: 5/10
Review: As others have already pointed out, there are a lot of spelling and grammar issues with this story. Maybe if you ask for a little advice, someone could help you improve the chapters a lot. (And don't be afraid to edit your earlier chapters to fix such errors.) As for the plot, I honestly have a hard time following it. It's almost like there's two vastly different stories going on (Pterano struggling to fit in with the Great Valley after the end of his banishment, and some flyer named Zoran going after... something), with virtually no connection between them. I'm sure that'll change later on in future chapters, but for now... I just have a hard time seeing a lot happening.
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Name of fanfiction: Impossible Reach
Rating: 8/10
Review: This is definitely among the better fanfics I've read lately. There may be a few grammar errors here and there, but nothing much to distract from the story.
The plot is rather interesting. The exile of those two runners taking a surprising toll on their parents to the point where their health is failing; quite a reason for the gang to go out and find those two again. Bringing in Cera's older sister was quite a nice addition. In the latest chapter is what I find one of the best moments of the whole story: Pterano personally telling the two runners about the past mistakes he made, and that he doesn't want them to make the same such mistakes. I anticipate this fanfic is almost over, so I can't wait to see how it ends. :)
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Sadly the author of Impossible Reached is no longer on the Gang of Five and has not yet replied to my PMs asking for her to vote once in order to be eligible. I do hope for her to finish the story, since it's got a good rating so far, but sadly enough I don't expect her on the GoF anytime soon.
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Name of fanfiction: The Time Of Great Need
Rating: 8/10
Review: This is an interesting take on what life for the gang might be like when they're adults. It's not exactly what I would expect from the LBT canon, but the tribal cultures of each group is an interesting and believable concept.
Despite some minor grammar errors, I actually liked the plot. An epidemic on such a massive scale is certainly quite the challenge.
One thing that didn't quite satisfy me was having Spike be deceased for this story. I know, it's hard to include someone who doesn't talk, but I'm sure there were ways he could have contributed to the story in a few places. Other than that, not bad at all.
(There, I actually did it. I have now voted on at least one fanfic for each author. True, I ended up waiting until near the deadline of voting, but at least I was able to keep my promise this year. :) )
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Fanfiction: Let Your Heart Guide You
Rating: 9/10
Review:
This is the first of Fyn16’s fanfictions I have read, but chronologically it is apparently at least the third in a series involving his characters, so it’s likely that I was unable to fully appreciate some elements of this story due to being references to its predecessors. I don’t believe that mattered much in the long run, however, as I still found this to be a positively outstanding story.
The author is spectacularly good at setting the scene; his descriptions of the environment, the atmosphere, and the feelings of the characters are vividly detailed and full of life; if there was ever a LBT story that made you feel like you were there, this is it. He also has an incredible knack for building anticipation which further magnifies the drama, whether it involves an impending catastrophic meteorite shower over the Great Valley, or the gang of seven coordinating an ambush on Fyn Fyn to surprise him for his star day.
I am also impressed at how the author has drawn from his own life experiences in order to create a story that feels as “real” as possible. This is especially evident when Fyn undergoes “starfall”, a strenuous day-long training ritual intended to test whether he is fit for leadership (something like a much tougher, more logical, and better-written version of “The Big Longneck Test”), which I strongly suspect was based on/inspired by the author’s military training.
The story is remarkably well written. There are a few minor punctuation errorsónamely hyphens in the place of colons, semicolons, and em dashesóand personally I found it a bit odd that the author chose to capitalize all “LBT speak” terms (including “tree sweet” and “rockslide”), but overall the text contained very few mistakes.
The story has some inconsistencies with the LBT films, such as the characters not knowing that flying rocks could be dangerous despite their experience with a meteorite shower in LBT III, and Littlefoot stating that the Rock That Looks Like A Longneck was the last landmark he had to find on his way to the Great Valley, when in fact it was the Mountains That Burn (with the additional discrepancy of the aforementioned Rock being seemingly much closer to the valley than it was in the original movie). There were also a few things that didn’t make sense to me, such as Grandpa Longneck referring to Petrie’s mother as “Mama Flyer”, and Fyn forgoing sleep to watch over his sick father the night before he is expected to lead a herd into the Mysterious Beyond in search of a new temporary home (a loving and noble gesture to be sure, but perhaps ill-advised?). On that note, I wondered why the Great Valley dinosaurs did not consider returning to the seaside oasis they discovered in LBT V; perhaps an explanation should be added in.
Having said all of that, I still feel that this story’s merits far outweigh its flaws, and I greatly enjoyed reading it. It is a fantastic example of a true LBT story with no added outside elements, that also feels fresh and interesting. I had little difficulty deciding that it deserves a 9/10.
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Congrats on reviewing all The Chronicler :)