The Gang of Five
Beyond the Mysterious Beyond => The Party Room => Topic started by: General Grievous on March 12, 2008, 03:41:27 AM
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You knew it was only a matter of time before someone posted these. Some are junk but many of them left me rolling on the floor. Here are 37 facts about Chuck Norris.
1. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.
2. Chuck Norris once went to the Virgin Islands. Now, they're just called the Islands.
3. The Boogy Man checks his closet for Chuck Norris before he goes to bed at night.
4. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
5. When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Incredible Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.
6. Chuck Norris once has sex with a Mack truck. Nine months later, Optimus Prime was born.
7. Chuck Norris broke Bruce Lee in half and the result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
8. Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris at a game of tic-tac-toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
9. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighte plane by pointing at it with his finger and saying, "BANG!".
10. Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
11. Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.
12. Chuck Norris can hear you scream in Space.
13. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
14. Once, while fishing on the Gulf of mexico, Chuck Norris sneezed. Today, this sneeze is known as Hurricane Katrina.
15. Once, while visiting Spain, Chuck Norris got food poisoning and took the biggest crap known to man. Today, this crap is known as France.
16. Chuck Norris once ate an entire factory of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
17. Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because the word "hunting" implies that there is the possiblility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
18. The only time Chuck Norris ever made a mistake was when he thought he had made a mistake.
19. Chuck Norris's head was going to be added to Mount Rushmore but the granite wasn't hard enough for his beard.
20. A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is visible from Space.
21. Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
22. If Chuck Norris got a nickle for every person to survive one of his roundhouse kicks, he'd have zero nickles.
23. If you misspell "Chuck Norris" on a Google search. it won't say"did you mean Chuck Norris?". It will say "start runnign while you still have a chance."
24. Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.
25. The Great Wall of China was originally built to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
26. Sometimes, Chuck Norris stares at the sun and it gets so scared that it runes and hides behind the moon. This is called a solar eclipse.
27. Chuck Norris once asked for a Big Mac at a Burger King and got one.
28. On September 11, 2001, Chuck Norris was away on vacation. The last time Chuck Norris went on vacation was December 7, 1941.
29. Chuck Norris fights better than Gaston.
30. Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries. Ever.
31. Brokeback Mountain is the pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris's back yard.
32. Chuck Norris build Rome in a day.
33. Chuck Norris built Mt. Everest with a hand shovel and a little plastic bucket. It took him two hours.
34. There is no suck thing as Evolution. There are only the animals that Chuck Norris didn't kill.
35. There is no suck thing as global warming. Chuck Norris got cold so he turned up the sun.
36. the best part of waking up isn't Folgers in your cup. It's knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
37. If you refer to these facts as jokes, Chuck Norris will wipe out your entire bloodline
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I kknow that in German, it¥s really funny.
My favorit Chuck Norris movie is still "Feuerwalze" ‰hh I mean "Firewalker". :rolleyes:
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Chuck Norris puts the "fun" in "funeral".
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin he built with his bare hands.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.
The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter."
The automobile was invented as a method of escape from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented car crashes.
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1. A cobra once bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
2. Someone once stabbed Chuck Norris with a knife. The knife bled to death.
3. Chuck Norris died 10 years ago but the Grim Reaper has never had the courage to confront him about it.
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Tisk, tisk, tisk, Grievous. So many spelling errors. Anyway...
1. On an episode of the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers, the Power Rangers had to face Chuck Norris. Shortly afterward, the show was renamed "The Teletubbies".
2. Chuck Norris used to be a regular guest star on the childrens' show, "Sesame Street" until Big Bird ate his sandwich. Many muppets died that day.
3. A terrorist once tried to hijack Chuck Norris's private airplane. The terrorist set the world record for the furthest distance a cowboy boot has ever been stuck up someone's @$$.
4. Jimmy Hoffa didn't disappear. Chuck Norris just roundhous kicked him into the future. In the year 2054, Jimmy Hoffa will reappear and crash through the windshield of a flying car.
5. Chuck Norris made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
6. Chuck Norris can do ANYTHING better than Gaston. And just for the record, he has twice as many chest hairs as Gaston.
7. Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their followers that they will get 72 virgins in Heaven. Now the best they can hope for is 72 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
8. Chuck Norris once faced 40 German panzers with his pickup truck. His truck came out without a scratch. The panzers were never seen again.
9. Every time Al Gore opens his mouth about global warming, Chuck Norris melts a glacier nd kills twenty polar bears.
10. Chuck Norris's calender goes from March 31 straight to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.
11. Everybody knows that the magic word is "please", as in "Please don't kill me!"
Too bad Chuck norris doesn't believe in magic.
12. Contrary to popular belief, two people have survived the Avada Kedavra curse. One was Harry Potter. The other was Chuck Norris. However, the dark wizard who cast the curse did not survive Chuck Norris's followup roundhouse kick.
13. In the original draft of "Lord of the Rings" Chuck Norris was the main character, but he kicked Sauron's ass within the first five pages.
14. Chuck Norris was offered the part of Frodo in the "Lord of the Rings" movies, but he turned it down, saying that he didn't need three whole movies to destroy a piece of jewelry and to kill a flaming eyeball.
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who the hell Chuck Norris?
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who the hell Chuck Norris?
(http://www.haisentito.it/img/_Chuck-Norris.jpg)
Chuck Norris is an actor and martial artist. For some reason, somebody made a bunch of jokes about him. He has played in Delta Force and Walker: Texas Ranger. He is also my favorite actor.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_norris (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_norris)
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Some of these are really funny. :lol:
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1.Chuck Norris will not blend no matter what your neighbor says.
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Here is something funny somebody showed to me. Go to Google and type in "Googe Chuck Norris". Then click on "I'm feeling lucky".
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1.Chuck Norris cloned himself today this clone is known as Mobius 1.
2.Chuck Norris hates it when people impresonate him so he roundhouse kicks them.
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Fidel Castro's father pissed off Chuck Norris Chuck roundhouse kicked him
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Here is something funny somebody showed to me. Go to Google and type in "Googe Chuck Norris". Then click on "I'm feeling lucky".
LOL! Aw, man! Even google has a sense of humor! XD
Here's a fact: Chuck Norris fell off a skateboard once while he was in California and he collided with the ground. Today we know the mark he left as the San Andreas Fault. XD (Made that one up myself)
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1.Imperial star destroyers run in fear when they see Chuck's ship.
2. Chuck Norris has never has sick days he has killing days.
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Another fact....Underneath Chuck's beard is another fist! XD
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Chuck go tourist hunting every tourist season.
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Chuck Norris never laughs
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Chuck Norris once sued NBC, claiming that "Law and Order" were trademarks of his left and right foot.
When Chuck Norris jumps in water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.
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The tank was invented to fight Chuck Norris too bad Chuck invented the RPG.
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The Japanese Yamato class battleships were built to fight Chuck Norris too but Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the 4th ship in the class. It was never heard from again.
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Chuck Norris rocks!
Chuck Norris was originally supposed to be in Smash Bros, but every button made him do a 1-hit KO roundhouse kick. :D
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Chuck Norris always enjoys randomly choosing some random person to get roundhouse kicked.
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If Chuck Norris was in the Land Before Time, the entire series would be him roundhouse-kicking sharpteeth to death. That, and life lessons. :lol:
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The movie "Cloverfield" was loosly based on a time when Chuck Norris became angry while visiting New York City.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers and they became the Teletubbies.
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Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident, and still managed to walk it off.
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Davy Jones and the Kraken fear Chuck Norris.
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If Chuck Norris was in the Land Before Time, the entire series would be him roundhouse-kicking sharpteeth to death. That, and life lessons.
:lol :lol :lol: Nice :p
Chuck Norris found a way to the center of the Universe. 2 days later, dinosaurs went extinct.
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1. When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.
2. Chuck Norris swears he didn't have sex with your wife while you were out of town. No, Chuck Norris does not know why your children want to grow a beard and are obsessed with karate and delivering Texas justice. Chuck Norris thinks you are asking the kind of questions someone asks when they want a roundhouse kick in the face.
3. Chuck Norris's dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Chuck Norris doesn't take **** from anybody.
4. 65 million years ago, Jack Thompson, the Florida lawyer on a crusade against video games and violence, tried to sue Chuck Norris for committing violent acts. However, he dropped the case after recieving a roundhouse kick to the face. Scientists speculate that this event may have caused the dinosaurs to become extinct as well. Scientists are still baffled as to how Thompson survived a direct hit from Chuck Norris though.
5. When Chuck Norris was taking a math test, instead of working out the equasions, he wrote "violence' for every answer and got a perfect 100. chuck Norris solves every problem with violence.
6. Chuck Norris once reunited a boy with his mother. His dead mother.
7. Chuck Norris keeps his freinds close and his enemies closer: close enough to drop with a single roundhouse kick to the face.
8. The Virgin Mary once saw an image of Chuck Norris on her grilled-cheese sandwich.
9. Chuck Norris only lets Jackie Chan live because he likes Chris Tucker movies.
10. When Chuck Norris wants a salad, he eats a vegetarian.
11. Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. He only eats animals after he puts them in a veitative state.
12. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee but it isn't because of his family history. The guy ate an freakin Indian!
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1. Chuck Norris applies roundhouse kicks directly to Head-On's forehead.
2. Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
3. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
4. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
5. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
6. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
7. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.
8. When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
9. Chuck Norris built Voltron for a highschool science fair project.
10. Chuck Norris once had a remote control fighter jet that could turn into a giant robot. Today, we know this transforming airplane as Starscream.
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I have an iPhone app called "Chuckisms". It is just a collection of Chuck Norris jokes.
- When Chuck was born the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck.
- Chuck can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
- In a tagteam match, Chuck was teamed up with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre the Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
- One time, Chuck accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.
- There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks; Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck.
- Chuck can build a snowman out of rain.
- Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1 CRhK (Chuck Roundhouse Kick).
- Chuck played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
- Chuck can touch MC Hammer.
- The Sherman tank was originally called the Chuck tank until Chuck decided that it wasn't tough enough to be assosciated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has ever been bad enough to be named after Chuck.
- Sticks and stones may break your bones. Chuck's glare will do the same.
- Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck."
- Chuck has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in all 50 states.
- Chuck floats like a butterfly and stings like a Tomahawk missle. At Mach 3. In the face.
- Chuck talks, you listen!
- Chuck IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU!
- Chuck and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesomeness cannot be contained in a single building.
- A man once asked Chuck is his real name was "Charles". Chuck did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
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:lol
These are a hoot thus far! I came up with a few of my own:
1. Jason Voorhees tried to run from Chuck Norris, but Chuck caught up to him by walking and kicked him into the next galaxy.
2. When Freddy Kruger invaded Chuck's dreams, Freddy got so scared he died of cardiac arrest.
3. Osama Bib Laden can run but he can't hide, 'cuz nobody can outsmart Chuck.
4. Chuck is not just a black belt. He holds the Guiness record of being a millionth time black belt. Top that, Jackie Chan!
5. The Great Valley mountains don't protect our pals. Chuck patrols the perimeter and kicks the crap out of any sharpteeth who dare challenge him.
6. By the time an Irish man has chugged a pint of Guiness, Chuck has dried out the entire brewery!
7. Chuck never needs weapons. His fists are weapons of mass destruction.
8. Why haven't violent video games been censored? The FCC pees their pants when Chuck glares at them.
9. The Taliban and Al Queda dare not mess with Chuck. He can knock them all into space with one punch!
10. Billy Blanks was once a pupil of Chuck but was dropped when he broke his foot by trying to break a board and screamed like a little girl.
11. Bill Gates thought he was the king of computers, only to find Chuck had him miserably defeated without the abuse of capitalism.
12. Why has Godzilla been MIA? Chuck launched him back in the ocean and boarded his headquarters up with steel 2X4s!
13. Why has no one seen Bigfoot for ages? Chuck shaved him bald and embarrassed him into seclusion by making him have a tea party with Barney!
14. Atlas holds the world on his back. Chuck holds it up with his pinky and spins it the way Michael Jordan does a basketball.
15. What makes the oceans keep making waves? Chuck playing with his rubber ducky while taking a bath.
16. Chuck once blew a big poot. Hence, the jetstreams were created.
17. California has an earthshake whenever Chuck gets pissed off at a customer service clerk and slams his fist on the countertop.
18. Chuck can lap around the world in half the time Sonic the Hedgehog can.
19. When at home, Chuck likes to dance in his boxers while singing, "Everybody was kung-fu fighting! Huh! Yuh! Yet I was faster than lightning! Huh! Yuh! I dare anyone to fight me! Huh! Yuh! 'Cuz I know I can beat them! Huh! Yuh!"
20. Chuck has received many film offers, but turn them down 'cuz he says the martial arts skills in the scripts suck and are something the Teletubbies can barely do!
Whew! That's it for now. Hope ya like 'em :nyah!
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The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. The only thing fear itself has to fear is Chuck Norris.
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Here's some more random ones.
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1. The scar on Cloud's left arm wasn't geostigma, it was from when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him.
2. Chuck Norris does not plug into The Matrix, The Matrix plugs into Chuck Norris.
3. Chuck Norris cannot hear your pleas for mercy because sound waves are afraid of Chuck Norris.
4. Beyond the Great Valley is the Mysterious Beyond. Beyond the Mysterious Beyond is Chuck Norris's House.
5. Chuck Norris once went to hell, but was sent back up after Satan issued a restraining order against him.
6. Chuck Norris does not get stuck in quicksand, quicksand gets stuck in Chuck Norris.
7. Chuck Norris keeps his freezer at absolute zero temperature.
8. When Mr. Threehorn goes to bed at night, he has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
9. Chuck Norris does not have sugar with his coffee, he has coffee with his sugar.