The Gang of Five
Beyond the Mysterious Beyond => The Party Room => Topic started by: Littlefoot1616 on November 02, 2004, 10:10:02 PM
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Got any good jokes! Anything you got let's hear it but be wary of offending people! Nothing too rude, discriminating or just plain dirty! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Anywho...I'll kick start with this one my friend at work told me...
A man walks into a pub with a giraffe and he goes up to the bar. The bartender looks at them weird but still asks, "What can I get ya?"
"Pint for me buddy and a vodka shot of me giraffe here!" The bartender shrugs and pours them their drinks. All through the night, this man and his giraffe are knocking back the alcohol right up until last orders. Once closing time comes, the bartender looks down to find the man, completely drunk, face down on the bar. He shakes him and tells him that it's closing time. The man rolls off the bar stool and heads for the door. The bartender calls to him and points at his giraffe who was passed out on the floor.
"Oi mate! You can't leave that lying there!" he shouts. The man turns around, looks at the giraffe and then back at the bartender with a confused look on his face and says:
"What you talking about? That's not a lion it's a giraffe!"
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:lol: :lol :p :wow B) :rolleyes: That was funny.
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Ok I think I get that one. :lol
A man walked into a bar. He said ouch. >.<
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:lol
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Sorry for beeing so critisising.. but come on.. you can do a lot better than that =P
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Sometimes the simplest jokes are the funniest ones though. :p
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NewOrder will probably have to think about this one but for everyone else:
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko :lol :lol :lol
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Lool.. ok, ok.. I found it funny kuase of de quatro sinko.. as in 4 and 5 (well I can't really explian it..) anyway.. I guess you said that cause all you others are american or something like that.. besides Malte, Littlefoot1616 and Arvens I don't know where the others live =x
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Four sink in the quicksand. ;)
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This is a limmeric rather than a joke, but when it was quoted during an English literature lecture at the university I found it really funny:
There was a young lady of Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a Tiger;
They came back from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the Tiger.
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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Dam!
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Hi!
Now this is not exactly a joke, but it is still funny. During a Linguistic lesson at the university today one of the few advantages was pointed out that German language has over English language. In German letters are almost always pronounced exactly the same way; not so in English.
One linguist (who must've been in a funny mood) pointed the following thing out. Actually it ought to be possible to spell the word "fish" as "ghoti" in English without varying the pronounciation. You don't believe it?
Then take the "gh" or tough, at the "o" of women, and complete it by adding the "ti" of information. What do you get when you pronounce that aloud? :lol
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OK...PMSL! Like a complete spooner, I was there for a good while trying to pronounce that :DD The worrying thing is that it IS actually right! OMG! My own language is being manipulated! It could be a whole new branch of English! :wow
Anywho, another joke story I heard. Bit of a long-winded one but here goes...
One day, a keen fisherman decided that he wanted to try something new. Being bored of casting his line into the local pond to catch fish, he decided to try fishing in ice like the eskimos did. So, he packed his stuff, and set off for his fishing trip but as he was about to leave he suddenly thought of something. Eskimos live at the poles...how in the world was he going to get THERE?! He could afford a journey there by plane or boat and they probably didn't do commercial trips out there anyway. "No problem!" the man thought, "I just have to find somewhere local." So he set off.
Before long, he came to patch of ice with some skaters on it. "Great! I can fish right here!" the man said. Taking his saw, he cut a hole in the ice and dropped his line into the water. As soon as he sat down to get comfortable, the man jumped as he hear a great booming voice call down on him saying, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!" The man looked around confused. "Must be a bad spot then..." he thought so he picked up everything and moved to a new place. Here, he did the same. He cut a hole in the ice and began to fish but again...the great booming voice called down on him. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!" A little shocked, the man picks himself up and decides to move to another spot. Once there, he tried again. Cut a hole and dipped his line in. For a third time, the voice rang out, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!" Now very scared, the man looks up to the sky and says in a sheepish voice,"Who are you?! Are you God?! Why are there no fish under the ice?!" After a few seconds wait, the great voice spoke again. "No! I am not God! I am the manager of the Sports Centre! We do NOT keep fish in our ice-skating rink so please leave otherwise I will pressure charges!" Feeling, rather foolish, the man snatches up his stuff and runs out of the sports centre...
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:) That guy must've really been focused too much on the fish (or should I say ghoti?) in his (fishy?) mind rather than on the real world around him. :DD
After I've had this linguist (don't know his name) have his say about English language I found some very funny quotes on German language written by the famous American writer Mark Twain. These quotes are even more funny if you know German, but even if you don't they are funny enough:
My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing) in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired. If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently and reverently set aside among the dead languages, for only the dead have time to learn it.
:lol:
A dog is "der Hund"; a woman is "die Frau"; a horse is "das Pferd"; now you put that dog in the genitive case, and is he the same dog he was before? No, sir; he is "des Hundes"; put him in the dative case and what is he? Why, he is "dem Hund." Now you snatch him into the accusative case and how is it with him? Why, he is "den Hunden." But suppose he happens to be twins and you have to pluralize him- what then? Why, they'll swat that twin dog around through the 4 cases until he'll think he's an entire international dog-show all in is own person. I don't like dogs, but I wouldn't treat a dog like that- I wouldn't even treat a borrowed dog that way. Well, it's just the same with a cat. They start her in at the nominative singular in good health and fair to look upon, and they sweat her through all the 4 cases and the 16 the's and when she limps out through the accusative plural you wouldn't recognize her for the same being. Yes, sir, once the German language gets hold of a cat, it's goodbye cat. That's about the amount of it.
I have to add that Mark Twain is mistaken about the accusative singular of "Hund" it would be "den Hund" while "den Hunden" is accusative plural ;)
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A funny story I got from the internet via a good friend of mine from back home... This was a newspaper article written and my friend forwarded it to me. Ready?
One blisteringly hot day, somewhere in America a woman went for her weekly shop at a supermarket. As she loaded the bags into her back seat, she went to sit in the driver's seat. All of a sudden, as she sat down, there was a deafening BANG and something hit her in the back of her head through the small gap in her headrest. Examining the impact, she suddenly gasped and held the back of her head tightly. Anyway, a man comes in and parks beside her to grab some bits. He notices the woman holding the back of her head looking rather shocked and unmoving. Thinking nothing of it, he disappears, does his shop (for a good 2 hours) and returns to his car. To his surprise, the woman is STILL in her car sitting in the same position STILL with her hands on her head. He knocks on the window can calls to her.
"Excuse me miss? Are you all right?"
"NO! I think I'm seriously hurt!" she cals back hardly moving an inch. The man goes to open the door but she shrieks for him not to move her. Alarmed that she wouldnt let him near her,the man decides to call the emergency services. They arrive and she still wont let them move her.
"What's wrong madam?" a cop asks her slowly.
"I've been hit in the back of the head! I can feel something soft. I think Im holding my brain in!" she says hurryingly. Looking shocked, the cops decide that moving her could put her in great distress so they decide to cut her out of the car. After removing the front of her car and getting her to allow them to move her, they pull her out and paramedics inspect her injury. The man suddenly bursts out laughing as he looks at her head and then in the back of her car.
As it turned out, the woman was NOT holding her brains in...in fact she was perfectly fine. What had happened was that the intense heat had heated up a can in her groceries, exploded and launched a loaf of bread into the back of her head. Since she was unable to see this, the woman quickly assumed she her brain was falling out the back of her head!
That was a rather nasty joke as a sign off but I wont post that up just in case it offends! Pretty wacked up huh?! :DD
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3 horns
3 noses
3 eyes
3 ears
what does it make?
A freakursaurs
-Threehorn
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I've heard that one before Jay. :) :lol Still is funny though.
I don't get yours Threehorn. :unsure:
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YOu got no sense of humor if you don't get that
-Threehorn
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Yo! Chill out! It's only a bit of fun! Let's not get heated over this...
A rather bad joke I heard from a kid when Pokemon was the in thing but here goes...
Why can't you play Hide-n-Seek with a Pokemon?
Coz they always PI-KA-CHU...
Geddit? :p
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Hi!
Once there was an international poll according to which the following joke was considered the most funny in the world. The result probably comes more from the fact that the joke works out in many languages and is considered funny in different cultures, not so much because it would make us explode with laughter. Nevertheless it is not bad:
Two hunters are out in the forrest, when suddenly one of them suffers a heart attack. He gasps, grasps at his chest and drops to the ground. The other one panicks and makes an emergency call with his cell phone. "My friend is dead!" he shouts at the emergency call operator. "My friend is dead! What shall I do?"
"Stay calm!" says the emergency call operator. "First of all make sure he is really dead."
The next moment he hears a shot ringing through the phone, then the hunter asks: "Okay, what next?"
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^ :lol :lol I found it funny.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. Suddenly, the first cannibal stops, swallows a mouthful, turns to the second one and asks:
"Hey...does this taste funny to you?"
*drum roll and cymbal crash*
I thank you! *bows*
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^ Old joke but still made me laugh. :p
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Don't knock the classics! ;)
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Don't know if this sound funny or not but here it is.
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*sence from Angry kid - Captain Thuderpants*
The music starts.
Angry kid sings - One pound of middle cut poke leg joint *lets horn off threetimes*
Dad - ow you ow ow ow that is enough
Angry kid - oh dad I didn't... sorry come on dad please dad come on your music is bullocks
Dad - laungure! alright just keep it down *music starts again*
Angry kid sings - stew my foot and call me Brenda *lets two football fan airhorns off*
*Car stops dad throw tape at angry kid and unable to start the car*
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(I find it funny but it depends on the humor of ppl for this one)
-Threehorn
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LOL! I think that episode's so funny!!! :lol I dunno if Angry Kid's been seen outside of the UK though Threehorn. If you wanna check them out everybody, just go to angrykid.com and you can d/l the episodes for free. It's a bit coarse and offensive at times but if you're into slapstick and just plain stupidity, I highly recommend it!
Erm...I have a few jokes but Im afraid they might be a bit too discriminating....I have a few about Bush but I dunno if you'd wanna hear those...rather not insult anyone with badly timed jokes if I can avoid it... Gimme a YAY or NAY if you want to hear them!
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^ Yay from me. :p
And as for Angry Kid I saw one of those clips and they aren't funny. :huh:
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that one wasn't as funny as Caption thunderpants. that one is funny with the airhorns.
-Threehorn
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Probably a matter of taste. I don't know this movie, so I don't know what you are talking about, but I know the situation when something is said that makes some people :lol while I remain :huh:
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You can tell the jokes about Bush, just as long as they're not inapropriate.
Nick
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OK if you don't mind me mocking your president's stupidity then here goes:
Why did Bush climb over the glass wall?
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To see what was on the other side!!! :lol:
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:lol :lol If there's one thing about our president, people sure know how to make fun of him. ;)
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I shall not make any jokes about Mr. Bush here!
I'll just let him do the talking himself:
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." óWashington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
"They misunderestimated me." óBentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." óSaginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000
"There's an old saying in Tennessee ó I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee ó that says, fool me once, shame on ó shame on you. Fool me ó you can't get fooled again." óNashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
"I'm not the expert on how the Iraqi people think, because I live in America, where it's nice and safe and secure." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004
"I cut the taxes on everybody. I didn't cut them. The Congress cut them. I asked them to cut them." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it." óGeorge W. Bush, May 14, 2001
"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than ó I say more Muslims ó a lot of Muslims have died ó I don't know the exact count ó at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill." óGeorge W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004
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*snorts* :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol
No surprise there. :p
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He's not the most expressive president we've ever had, but he clearly is one of the most disliked.
Nick
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Nah...he just makes great comedy material! LOL! :lol:
Here's another...
Bush is in a tree (dont ask how he got up there, he just is!!!) he injured one of his arms but he's hanging from a branch with his other hand. How do you get him down without touching him?
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Wave to him! :p
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How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
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With jam in! :lol (Don't get it? Say the answer a little faster and think of one of his songs!)
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^ No good. :unsure: Still don't get it...probably because I don't know Bob Marley. :p
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I get it. Ha Ha
How did Rudolph fix his broken nose?
By having it deer-taped. Ha Ha( I'm probaby the only one who's going to get a laugh out of it)
Nick
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^ :blink: Heuh?
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I knew I would be the only one to get it. <_<
Nick
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Well I was the only one who replied so far...
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I doubt anyone else will get it, Arvens. Joke-telling is not my strong suit.
Nick
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Christmas joke:
What does Santa use to clean his sleigh?
Comet! :lol :lol
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:rolleyes: You've got to be kidding me.
Nick
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LOL! That's the whole of a jokes page Nick! People are supposed to kid you! PMSL! :lol I got the deer-taped one but not the Comet one! :huh: Is that a typical American product/service? We dont have that over here. Anywho...this one is BOUND to raise a few suspicious eyebrows. If not, definitely some confused ones!
Confused emoticons at the ready...here goes...
How do you get down from a horse?
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You can't! You can only get down from a goose! :DD (Can't wait to see the reaction to this one!)
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^ To be honest, I don't get this one. Perhaps because I'm missing a pun.
I've found one "scientific" text on Santa Claus which some of you may know already. I hope it won't come too much as a disillusion for you ;) :
Physics Of Santa Clause - Santa Is Dead Theory
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renowned scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5.353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
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We all know the inherent improbabilities. But If God can create the universe in 6 days (hope I'm not offending anyone here), then Santa can make around the world in one night. As for the goose joke, I get it,. The feathers on a goose are called "down".
Nick
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I have one really funny book of original letters of people. Letters which for the one or the other reason are really funny. The book is in German, but I'll try to give you as accurate a translation of the following letter of a man who writes to a pastor, despaired about his family backgrounds:
Dear reverend!
As you know I have married a widow who has a twenty year old daughter. My father married this daughter! So my father became my son-in-law, and my step-daugher became my mother. When my wife gave birth to our boy, he was the brother-in-law to my father and at the same time he was my uncle (as the brother of my step-mother). Now my step-mother, who is at the same time my step-daughter, gave also birth to a boy the day before yesterday, and this boy is now my brother as well as my grandson!
Now I am the husband of my wife and her grandson (as the son of her son-in-law). My wife is my grandmother (as the mother of my step-mother). And as the husband of my grandmother is my grandfather I've now become my own grandfather. Please tell me when may I drop in by you?
A postcard is enough.
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Comet is a cleaner used in stainless steel sinks over here. :p
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OMG! What a way around! PMSL! A friend of mine at my old college also found out how you can become your OWN uncle!!! Cant remember it off the top of my head but it was just as long-winded (and entertaining) as that one! :DD
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That was a good one Malte :lol:
Nick
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Here is another letter from the book dated from May 1901 (all these letters are originals):
To the officers of the treasury in New York
Long ago I deceived the United States for the duty on golden clocks worth $50.
As my conscience is striking now I'm sending you $5. As soon as it will strike again you will hear from me again.
Mister X
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:lol: Let me guess. they didn't hear from him again.
Nick
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^ I don't know. The book just contains the letters. Here is another one.
Sir!
You are a very nasty customer!! A crook, a scoundrel, who always forgets that he became everything he is through me!!!
Yours, A. Moll
I'm not sure if this one works out as well in English as it does in German.
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:blink: :blink: :blink: Doesn't work for me.
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I'm afraid it wouldn't in English.
In German the writer tells the addressee that he became everything he is (apparently he has a good job or whatever) through the help of the writer.
who always forgets that he became everything he is through me!!!
Yet as the writer says that the addressee is a very nasty customer, a crook, and a scoundrel it sounds like the addressee became all this with the "help" of the writer.
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:unsure: :unsure: :blink:
Still have no idea what that means.....
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Uh, never mind. Here is another letter from that book, written to Germany's treasury:
Dear Gentlemen,
hereby I want to inform you, that after careful consideration I decided not to join the income tax.
Sincerely, Emil Ludwig Zwer
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:blink: :blink:
I know it has to do something with the guy's name....I must be pronouncing it incorrectly because I'm missing the punch line. :P:
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It has nothing to do with the guys name at all! It's just that the income tax is nothing voluntarily you can decide not to join. And one has to be quite a fool not to know and declare your wish not to join to an office.
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Ok, I guess I get it now. :P: There are actually states in the US that have no income tax. >.<
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Here's a few oxymorons for you. In case you don't know what an oxymoron is...it's two words that are used together that either don't make much sense or seems to conflict with each other...
Here's a few examples:
Tax Return (how in the world do you get tax money you pay to the government to return to you?!)
Microsoft Works (Does it really!?! I have my suscipions about that! LOL :rolleyes:)
I did have a load of others...if I find 'em I'll post them up here!
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jumbo shrimp LOL
Microsoft Works is the #1 oxymoron. :D :lol
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Another oxymoron for all you gamers out there!
Final Fantasy - Hmm...strange! Doesnt seem very final when there are 12 sequels and more in the pipeline! :unsure: LOL :DD
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one man band (band is usually a group) :P:
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Here are a couple of stupid label warnings I found!
1. On a packet of peanuts - WARNING! This product contains nuts
2. On a bottle of children's cough medicine - Do not operate heavy machinery or drive vehicles after taking stated dosage
3. On the box of a Superman kid's costume - This costume does not enable the wearer to fly
4. On the BOTTOM of a frozen dessert packet - Do not turn upside down
5. In the instruction manual of a hairdryer - Do not use this product in the bath
6. In the instruction manual of an iron - WARNING! Do not iron clothes whilst on body
PMSL! OMG! What some people won't do eh?! LOL :DD :lol
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lol! :lol
-Threehorn
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There is another one. I don't know the exact wording, but a manufacturer of microwaves has to put a warning sign on the microwaves which says something like:
Do not use the microwave to dry pets!
A lady had sued the company after she put her sogged cat into the microwave to dry her off. You can imagine what happened to the poor cat. The lady ought to be sued for being THAT stupid!
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I've heard that story before! Here's another stupid lawsuit story I got from somewhere.
A man, somewhere in the US, sued a camper-van company after he trashed it on the motorway (or highway which ever you prefer! :P:). Apparently, this man put the camper on cruise control and LEFT the steering wheel to wander in the back to make himself a cup of coffee! Lo and behold, he comes to a bend but he's too concerned about whether his coffee is perculating properly to realise. He stacks the vehicle and sues the company who sold him the camper because it didn't state that he could not leave the wheel in order to do something else in the back! Unbelievably, the nutter WON his case and they re-instated him with a new, top-of-the-range camper and a stupidly large amount of money! :blink: :wow
I mean COME ON! You'd have to be seriously smacked in the head to do something like that!!! :bang :DD
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Deleware is one of those states. that have no taxes. So a lot of companies are incorporated there, but actually operate in other states.
Nick
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I wouldn't be surprised if all those warning labels are found on American products. :P: :blink: Yeah, there are a lot of dumbbells out there.
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You should read "The Darwin Awards.". It's alll about stupoid people who died or were imjured doing stupid thiimgs. Like looking inside a gas tank with a lighter.
Nick
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:lol: :lol: My next trip to a library, I'll look for it. ;)
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I once read about the following really stupid action.
A man wanted to bring a wooden box full of very heavy bricks down from the upper floor of a barn he owned. The barn had a garret window with a block and pulley above it. So the man tied a rope around the box, led it around the winch and tied the other end of the winch to his car down below the barn.
The he pushed the tool box out of the garret window to it was dangling in the air,
suspended by the weight of the car. However, when he loosened the rope from the car in order to slowly lower down the box to the ground it turned out that the box was considerably heaverier than he was so while the box with the brick dropped down the man was pulled upwards. Halfway up he was injured when he colided with the box and he painfully jammed his fingers in the winch when he reached the top. The bottom of the box however with the bricks broke away when the box hit the ground, and the rest of the box was of course much lighter than the man. So now the man dropped quickly to the ground and was again injured when halfway he collided with the remains of the box. The poor guy hit the ground so heavily that he broke several bones and let go the rope. This however resulted in the remains of the box to come down again knocking the man out finally :slap
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*snickers* Why didn't he just drop the bricks out the window one at a time? Sure would've saved a lot of hassle.
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Maybe they would have broken that way.
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LOL! Sounds like something out of a Tom & Jerry cartoon! PMSL! Poor bloke!
Right...here's a joke I remembered from a long time ago.
One very windy day, a man comes into work and head upstairs to his cubicle to start a day's work. After working, all the employees went up to the top floor to the bar for a few drinks. The man and a friend got a bit merry and sat down and listened to the wind outside roaring around the building.
"Jeez! It's so windy today!" the man said.
"Yeah I know!" his friend said.
"You know...I bet it's so windy, if you jumped out of he window, it could blow you up to the roof!" the man then said laughing.
"No way! It's not that strong!" his friend said.
"No! I'll prove it! Watch..." the man said and he leapt out the open window. A few seconds later, the man came back in the room having jogged down the stairwell from the roof. The man's friend blinked in amazement.
"How?! How in the world did you do that?!" he blabbered.
"I told you! THe wind is that strong it can carry you up to the roof!" he replied. His friend was not convinced.
"Bet you can't do it again..." he edged. The man shrugged and ran up to the window and jumped out again. A few seconds later, he came down the stairs and back into the bar.
"I don't believe it! You actually did it!" the friend said. The man laughed and smiled.
"I told you!"
"Let me give it a go!" the friend said but as he leapt out of the window, he fell all the way to the bottom screaming. As everyone crowded around the window, another man turned to the first man and says,
"You've gotta stop pulling those pranks when you're drunk Superman!!"
This is not meant to cause any disrespect to Christopher Reeves so please don't think I posted this out of spite! OK?! :^.^:
-
:lol: :lol: Jason, I never watched Superman in my life so no spite taken. Here's a similar one:
One day three people are playing golf: Moses, Jesus, and God.
On the tee shot, Moses hits the ball about 200 yards, and about 150 yards from the hole.
Jesus takes his shot and he gets it about 225 years.
Then God steps up. He hits the ball, a sparrow grabs the ball in his feet, and flies over to the hole and drops the ball about a foot from the hole and as the ball is still moving a gopher pops out of the hole and pulls it in.
Moses looks to Jesus and says, "That's the last time I play golf with your father." :lol
-
Our English grammar lecturer told us about a parking sign in Scotland which shows the difference one ' can make. The sign said:
No parking doctors cars only
:lol: Did anyone ever park a doctor?
-
They missed a semi-colon too. ;) :lol:
No parking; doctor's cars only.
-
I get it. Here's a joke. A guy stops at a stop sign, and suddenly a police car pulls up and takes him away. The stop sign said Stop and Arret. you figure it out :D
Nick
-
Are we pronouncing "Arret" as the French would or air-ret, if they had no idea otherwise?
-
I don't know.
-
The only thing I can think of is pronouncing it "ah-rett stop" as in "a rest stop" so did the guy think the sewer was a toilet or somthing? :P: :lol:
-
I was thinking more of "Stop you are under arrest." :P:
Nick
-
On the subject of funny signs and notices. I saw this notice in a Chinese restaurant that had been closed due to a little accident. The sign read...
"Apologies for closure! Kitchen on fire until further notice!"
Sounds a bit worrying! LOL! :lol: How long do they plan to keep this fire for?! It was supposed to read:
"Kitchen WAS on fire! CLOSED until further notice!"
-
Sort of like:
A vase is being sold by my mother with a cracked lip. :lol
-
:lol: Good one Arvens.
Nick
-
Hey guys!
Just got this email from a friend entitled "Things you should never say to a cop!" I think it's more of an American gag and some might of heard these before but here goes:
>> 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my
>> beer. (OK in Texas )
>>
>> 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar
>> detector wasn't plugged in.
>>
>>
>>
>> 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
>>
>> 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to
>> keep up with me. Good job!
>>
>> 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
>>
>> 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good
>> physical condition to be a police officer.
>>
>> 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
>>
>> 8. I pay your salary!
>>
>> 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
>> only gave me a warning, too!
>>
>>
>>
>> 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just
>> so one of us does.
>>
>> 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I
>> know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
>>
>> 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes
>> look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond
>> with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you
>> been eating doughnuts?"
-
Yep , those are definitely American jokes.
Nick
-
This is not exactly a joke, but still a pretty funny entry in an English dictionary of 1755, I came across studying history of the English language at the university (please keep your fingers crossed for next wednesday's exam).
This is how they defined the word "Oats" in Samuel Johnson's dictionary of 1755:
A grain which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people.
:lol:
-
>> 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes
>> look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond
>> with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you
>> been eating doughnuts?"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Typical stereotype.
Malte, that is one odd definition there. :P:
-
An Odd definition, but still a funny one.
Nick
-
Definition:
debate - what you put on the end of the fishing hook
divorce - what the Jedi's use
ice cream - what you do if you slam your hand in a car door :blink:
I just randomly thought of these... :lol
-
:lol: :lol: :lol: That's something I ought to show our phonetics Prof! :lol :lol :lol
-
:lol: Good ones Arvens!
Nick
-
Some more I came up with:
liquor - a perverted being :blink:
amen - the reason for "hymns" :lol:
cheetah - well at least we understand why this cat only wins in about 1 out of 7 chases for food to survive :rolleyes:
-
:rolleyes: Those are pretty bad Arvens :lol: But still funny.
Nick
-
At another board (no longer around) I was known to having a very dry sense of humor and a horrible pun maker. :lol:
-
Which board was that? The dinotopia board?
Nick
-
It was one of my old boards that has long since died. Glad it did because two people ruined it...grrr. :angry:
-
I bet that's happened more than once to you Arvens. You start a board, and then people start causing trouble.
Nick
-
Ain't it the truth....
-
It's pretty sad, you put so much effort into making the forum, and some loser/s ruin the experience for you and the other posters. Couldn't you ban the troublemakers?
Nick
-
Too little too late. :( Didn't help once I did because it was already toast because of those two (and they were both staff members too). Maybe Malte remembers some of this, but it was so long ago I'm not sure he will.
-
Grrr... Such Inconsiderate people...
Nick
-
That's why I think the GOF has survived through the hard times of inactivity (most of 2004) is because I wasn't willing to just give anyone a shot at working with the place like I did that one time. Authoritian ownership does work to a point....
-
It does, but eventually only a few people will be left at such a board.
Nick
-
I don't know....I'm a member at another board that is continuing to grow from humble beginnings and so far, there's only one person running the board, and its been that way for a month or two now and still is working.
-
I don't know....I'm a member at another board that is continuing to grow from humble beginnings and so far, there's only one person running the board, and its been that way for a month or two now and still is working.
-
You can say that again :lol:
Nick
-
:huh: WTF? How did I manage to double post? :lol: One of those was a time out and somehow still posted it anyway...
-
Oh well, You can delete one of them.
nick
-
Maybe Malte remembers some of this, but it was so long ago I'm not sure he will.
I think I do. Not sure though if we are talking of the same case here. Did it result in a poem or was it later than that?
Either way, it's quite sad a topic for the jokes and gags thread. :rolleyes:
-
I don't think we're thinking of the same thing. -_- Eh, never mind....we got so off topic our jokes thread has turned....sad. :cry2
Here's a good one, courtesy of George Carlin:
We just buy houses to hold all of our stuff. We shove all of our stuff in the houses so we can go out and buy MORE STUFF. :lol :lol :lol
-
Good to see we are back on target! Here's a quote which sometimes makes you wonder if some people's mouths are actually connected to their brains! :lol:
"I wanna play for a big team. Maybe the Italian league. A team like Barcelona!" - said in an interview by a football (soccer) player. PMSL! :lol :DD :lol
-
My English teacher told us a story to a similar effect. When during a vacation in Colorado he mentioned to an interlocutor that he was from Germany her face brightened up and she said: "You are? Me and my husband have already been to Paris once!"
(Obviously she considered Paris a town in Germany).
-
:lol: Barcelona is in Spain. Some people are just silly.
Nick
-
It's partly a joke, partly a "well duh" statement:
One thing we learn from history is that we don't learn from history.
-_-
-
Very true Arvens very true
-
Here's an article in my uni's fortnightly newsletter "Purple Wednesday". My uni's local area is deemed to have the themed colour of purple. Dunno why coz very little of the place IS actually purple LOL. Anywho...coz it's a uni letter aimed at students, it's got coarse language so I've censored it as far as possible and I'll blank those out and leave it to your imagination to what was said. Some of you may have heard these over the net but here goes:
Things I hate about everybody...(British Version)
People who point at their watch and ask for the time. I KNOW where my watch is pal, where's yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask for the toilet!
People who are will to get off their backsides to seaach the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually
When people say "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it!" Too &%$£*! right! What good's a cake if you can't eat it!
When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is! Why the $£*%&! would you keep looking after you found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?!" No (rather rude English colloquialism). I paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the $&!£*@ floor
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me much of a choice did ya Sonny Jim?
When something's "new and improved". Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything like it before. If it's improved, then there must have been something before it
When people say "Life is short". WTF! Life is the longest damn thing anyone every *&$%^!"£@~ does!!! What can you do that's longer?!
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I still be standing here (insert obscene insult here)
McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the "Mc" before each item you are ordering......It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets a blank look...Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mc*bleep*
-
:lol: :lol: :lol:
I have no idea how I overlooked this the last time but those are great Jason. Definitely college jokes.
-
Here's another English joke that will probably be many questions the majority of non-native speakers trying to learn English will ask. Boy oh boy, do we make life difficult for ourselves...LOL :lol It's posted straight from an email so the layout might be a bit spacey but here goes:
If you've learned to speak
fluent
English, you must be a genius! This little treatise on the lovely language
we
share is only for the brave. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons
why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present
the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. ???
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One
goose,
2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid
of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite
at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill
in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That
is why, when the
stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
-
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Those are lovely!
:lol :lol :lol
-
Poor Malte. :lol: :lol: :lol:
-
Here's a joke I heard from one of my housemates I live with at Uni. For some reason, we were incredibly bored one weekend night (nothing on TV) so we ended up standing in the kitchen with a few bevvies and we started telling each other jokes. Here goes:
NB: - Dont be thrown by what's involved in this joke...just go with it! LOL :D
A boiled sweet (yep, you read correctly) walks into a pub. He goes up to the bar and orders a drink. A little while later, a gobstopper (one of those sweets that you gotta suck for ages before you can bite it) comes up to the bar not too far away. After a few drinks, the boiled sweet and the gobstopper get talking but the conversation turns sour and they start arguing over who is hardest.
"I'm well 'ard!" the boiled sweet boasts, "My shell is so thick a bloke would crack his teeth trying to chomp me!"
"No you're not! I'm harder than you!" the gobstopper shouts, " With my multi-layers you've gotta work me down right to my centre before I'll break!" The bickering continues but eventually, a stick of gum who was listening in walks over to both of them and without breaking a sweat, beats both of them ten times to the dozen! He completely wipes the floor with them, no contest!
So, the boiled sweet and gobstopper are both lying on the floor in pieces and the gum goes to the bar for another drink. The bartender wanders over having watched the whole thing, and after handing the gum his drink, he asks him:
"Oi! How did you beat them two silly?! They're two of the hardest sweet around and you slaughter the pair of 'em! How?!"
"Who them? Oh...they may be hard but you see me? I'm just menthol!"
PMSL! Howz that one strike you?! LOL :lol :DD :p
-
:bang :bang I can't for the life of me understand that one.
-
Time for Roger to do what he does best--make others laugh. :D
We'll start out light....
What game do cannibals like to play at parties? (scroll down)
Swallow the leader. :lol :lol :nyah
-
Oh dear.... :slap PMSL! :^.^:
OK...here's an oldie...probably from a kid's joke book or something...
In a house, where do you go if you're dying?
The Living Room (ba-dum CHING!) :p
-
Yeah, that's an oldie. :p
----------------
I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in.
* Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?"
* Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there."
* Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?"
* Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages."
* Woman 1: "Why?"
* Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin."
-----------------
:D :lol: :lol:
-
LOL... I had a similar experience
During an english class in the library a couple of kids were at one of the computer's and they couldn't get in, so my teacher told them to "reiniciate" the windows thingy, so they did... when that blue stuff that you always press enter to skip ahead appeared.. I saw that the kids were just staring at it so I told them to press enter one of the kids was going to press it but they other one stoped him yelling:
"Don't touch that! It'll ruin the computer... Can't you see its thinking?"
:D
(Probably not such a good joke but it was funny at the time...)
-
Informatics was certainly the least useful subject I had at school. Not so much because the subject were useless (it isn't) but because the students knew more than the teachers. The most obvious case was when our teacher was sitting in front of the computer, absolutely desperate because for some reason it "didn't start" until at last one of us had the mercy to switch on the screen of his computer ;)
-
:lol: Why are the best jokes nowadays always the ones about those that are seriously computer illiterate?
Speaking of computers:
Customer Service: Ok, you're going to need to turn on your computer and open up Windows so I can walk you through the process.
Caller: What are you crazy, it's -20 out there!
:rolleyes:
-
Here's a joke I heard from a friend:
There's a man in a cinema and he's sprawled out over several seat in a very stroppy fashion. A couple who booked two of the seats this man happens to be lying in turn up. They kindly ask the man to move but he just groans. Getting annoyed they call for the usher to deal with the problem. THe usher comes over and asks the man to move so the couple can sit in their designated seats. Again, the man barely moves and just groans at them. The usher begins to get very annoyed and warns the man that he will be forced to get the manager if he doesn't move. Yet again, the man just groans. So, the usher goes to get the manager (by now there is such a disturbance that the film has been stopped), and the manager arrives and bends down to talk to the man.
"Excuse me sir...what's your name?" the manager asks.
"S...Sam..." the man grumbles still sprawled out over these seats.
"Ok Sam," the manager continues, "where did you come from?" The man weakly points up to the ceiling and says,
"From the balcony..."
:DD :DD :DD
-
Poor guy! :lol:
Sherry: I can't marry you Bob. You're penniless and have no financial security.
Bob: So what? The czar of Russia was Nicholas.
Grooooooaaaaaaaaannn. :lol:
-
Uuuurrrrggghhhhh Roger! :slap :bang PMSL! :DD :lol
-
Star Wars joke this one might suck
We see that scene at the begining of episode III where Obi Wan gets attacked by buzz droids.
He says, "Anakin, buzz droids are tearing my ship apart. I'm losing thrust, i lost r-4 and my controls are malfunctioning. But I do have something positive here."
Anakin asks, "What is it?"
Obi Wan says, "I just saved a bunch of money on my starship insurance by switching to Geico!" :nyah :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :)
-
Here's a joke I got from an internet friend:
Once a month, David goes to visit his grandpa out in the sticks (the countryside) for a little quality time. As per usual, he gets dropped off on a country lane and has to walk through the woodland up to his grandpa's place. He always knows he's almost there coz he can see his grandpa's old farmer's truck park just a little way from his log cabin. David finally arrives, greets his grandfather and soon explores the house. Being miles from nowhere, there was no electricity or hot water or anything. It's breakfast time and grandpa cooks a lovely breakfast of eggs and bacon. David offers to help clean up but grandpa insists he sit down and enjoy himself. David wanders into the kitchen just as his grandpa finishes washing up and he notices that the plates are a still a bit scummy.
"Grandpa..." David says, "These plates are still dirty." But grandpa quickly responds.
"They are as clean as cold water can get them." David shrugs it off and goes off to wander the forest.
Come lunchtime, David is called in but he quickly notices that his plate has a bit of dried on egg on it from breakfast. He turns to his grandfather.
"Grandpa! This plate is still dirty!" he says.
"It's as clean as cold water can get 'em!" his grandpa replies again. At dinner time, it's the same thing. THe plates are still dirty.
"Grandpa...this plate is STILL dirty!" David complains
"It's as clean as cold water can get them son!" Grandpa replied again.
The next day, David wakes up and his grandpa asks him to go into town to get some food for breakfast. David agrees and goes outside to fetch the wagon. As he comes up to the shed, he find a rather mean looking dog sitting in the wagon bearing its teeth rather menacingly.
"Grandpa!" David shouts back at the house, "there's a nasty dog sitting in the wagon! What should I do?" Suddenly, grandpa comes stumbling out of the house and shouts to the dog.
"Bad Cold Water! Get down boy! Bad dog!"
:DD :DD :DD
-
^ I read somewhere that a dog's mouth is cleaner than that of a human's. :lol: So, it's not as bad as you think.
-
Ok, there was this old lady walking down the road. she was carrying two bags. one bag had a hole in it and money kept falling out. A police officer saw this and asked, "Where did you get that money?"
The old lady said, "Well, my house is right behind a football stadium. These idiots keep peeing in my bushes so I decided to put a stop to it. I got a pair of gardening clippers and hid there for someone to come. Sure enough, some guy tried to pee in the bush. I put the clippers up to it and said, "30 dollars or off it comes!"
The police man laughed and said, "So what is in the other bag?"
The lady said, "Not all of them paid." :DD :wow :lol :lol :lol
-
:lol: :lol: She neutered them depending on how much she snipped off! :o
-
A dad walks into Wal-Mart looking for a birthday gift for his daughter. He asks a lady working there, "How much do these Barbies cost?"
The lady answered, "Swim team Barbie costs $12.99. Dentist Barbie, $12.99 Devorced Barbie, $314.99."
The man asks, "Why does Devorced Barbie cost so much?"
The woman answered, 'Because Devorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's swimming pool, Ken's clothes, etc...
-
Isn't Barbie the famous one, though? :lol: So why would Ken have all the stuff?
-
Ok, here is another one. There are three trucks. One is carrying a ton of sand. one is carrying s ton of water, and one is carrying a ton of rocks. If they all went up a hill at the same time, which would reach the top first?
-
None I reckon they all would be squished like... say a little longneck who crawls under a sharptooth's foot hoping to trip it.
-
They are big trucks. Dumptrucks carry up to 6 tons of stuff. They would all reach the top at the same time cuz they all weigh the same! They are each carrying a ton. :lol: :D :lol :wow :DD :p :nyah :nyah :slap :yes
-
Me and my vain attempts at speed-reading!
You know what I read when trying to read it that way? I read about "ducks" rather than "trucks" to whom what I said would certainly apply. Anyway, this is the jokes section and that silly mistake of mine sure makes for a laugh :lol:
-
LOL! Never mind Malte! If you're gonna laugh at mistake like that This is definiitely the place to do it! :lol
I've heard that one before but slightly adapted.
There are 2 bags, one has a pound of stones in it, the other has a pound of feathers. If weighed, which one is heavier?
The number of people who automatically jump to "a pound of stones" is shocking! LOL Coz of course, they weigh the same amount. :DD
-
And the feathers would be more unwieldy due to their much greater volume.
-
They would both weigh the same! Each one weighs the same. :lol
-
Here are some jokes I got in an email from a friend at uni. All by the great comedian Tommy Cooper...I had a good laugh at some of these. Thought I'd share them with you guys, brighten your day! ;)
1. Two blondes walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied: "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''. ' Is it common? '. "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?". "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
18. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. There are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says: "So are you, you fat b******!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
24. Two cannibals eating a clown.One says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
25. A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up by the tail and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
26. Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
27. He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."
28. And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Can't you tell? This my livelihood.'
29. So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said, 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said, 'Hundreds & thousands?' I said, 'We'll start with one.' He said, 'Knickerbocker glory?' 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
30. I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'
He said 'To camp?'
I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'
I said 'I also want to buy a van.'
He said 'Camper?'
I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'
31. So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."
32. Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"
33. So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
34. So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
35. So I rang up a local building firm. I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
36. So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.And then he rang up second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said, 'I careered off the road.'
All jokes from the late and great Tommy Cooper! Such a legend :DD :lol
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I just found this cool song by Wierd Al. It is to the tune if I Like It This Way. Correct me if I messed up with the title..Anyway, it is called Ebay. Here is the link to the site. Just click play. http://www.imagestorepro.com/ebay_song.html (http://www.imagestorepro.com/ebay_song.html)
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Okay, here's one for ya. It's a pretty classic one. Try to guess the name of the doctor. ;)
Scene: Two friends run into eachother and start talking.
Guy 1: Hey, I just heard that you had your appendix taken out.
Guy 2: Sure did!
Guy 1: So, what is the name of the doctor, who did your operation?
Guy 2: Who!
Guy 1: The guy that took your appendix out.
Guy 2: Who!
Guy 1: The guy that cut you open.
Guy 2: Who!
Guy 1: The guy that made you better.
Guy 2: Who!
Guy 1: The guy you went to to save your life!
Guy 2: Who!
Guy 1: Who is it!?
Guy 2: Yes!
Guy 1: Who is?
Guy 2: Yes!
Guy 1: Oh, so the name of the guy is Dr. Yes?
Guy 2: No!
Guy 1: Well, who was it that did your operation?
Guy 2: Who!
Guy 1: The guy that took your appendix out.
Guy 2: Who!
(repeat on forever.)
Well, what's the name of the doctor? :)
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Littlefoot: I've heard a couple of those before, but they certainly made my day. :D
Ace: Yup, that's a song for all the ebay addicts (who maybe shouldn't be :P: )
Poke: Gee I hope I guess correctly: Dr. Who. :lol:
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How do you find Ronald McDonnald on an all nude beach?
:lol: :lol :DD Because, he isthe one with the sesame-seed buns!
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My friend couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the day when I told him this one:
There is a guy sitting at a bar and is about to drink this mug full of green sludge. Then this guy walks in, "Hi," Then he grabs the mug from the table and starts to guzzle down the sludge. "NO! STOP!" But it's too late. Then the guy starts crying. "Don't cry, I'll buy you another beer."
"No, it's not that. This is the worst day of my life. First I show up late for work and got fired, then my car was stolen, the cops could do nothing. I got mugged on my way home and lost my wallet and credit cards. I come home and see my wife kissing a FedEx guy. I was sitting at this bar and was thinking of putting an end to my life, when you show up and drink all my poison." :lol
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:lol: :D :lol :lol :lol
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PMSL! Oh dear! :lol
Here's a joke I read in a magazine...
What's the fastest kind of cake?
ssssssSCONEeeee
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LOL!
Okay, here's one for ya.
What color do all villians have in common?
I'll give you guys 24 hours to answer this. :)
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Black?
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^ That's what I was thinking.
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Red! After the heroes are through with them! :D
(If you don't get it, I can explain.) :)
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LOL...oh dear pokeplayer :lol
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This is a classic from an old football player:
"Our team was on the edge of the abiss, but we did what we had to do, we took a step forward!"
:lol:
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^ :unsure: I think I missed the punchline on that one. Is that American football or soccer for just about everyone else?
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Here is a funny joke! :lol :lol :lol :lol
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jo...keclintonoz.htm (http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokeclintonoz.htm)
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They've been playing that line on Clintion since 97. :lol: :lol:
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RogerRabbit:
I think I missed the punchline on that one. Is that American football or soccer for just about everyone else?
Hmm... soccer =p Didn't you get it? It's plain simple, when you are at the edge of a cliff the smartest thing to do is take a step back, but the guy said "we took a step forward", it's one of those sports bloopers
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Oh..I misinterpreted what "abiss" meant. That's "abyss". ;) Ok, never mind it makes sense...though I don't know anyone that stupid. :lol
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got this from the same website that f-14 ace showed it is called hillary gets some advice Hillary Clinton gets ellected president and is spending her first night in the white house The ghost of george washington appears, and Hillary says "how can i best serve my country?" washington says "never tell a lie." Ouch! says Hillary, I don't know about that one. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says"how can i best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "listen to the people." Ho! I really don't want that. On the third night the ghost of Abe Lincon qppears...Hillary says "how can i best serve my country?" Lincon, says "go to the theater." :lol :lol :lol :lol
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Okay, here's one straight from Jeff Foxworthy of Blue Collar TV:
Dating:
Jeff: The hardest thing about being single has got to be the dating stuff. Any guys in the room go out with a girl that forgot to tell you she had a boyfriend? That is information you need! That happened to me. I went out with this girl one time and we had a nice time. We went out to dinner and after dinner we came back to my apartment, and we were at my place for half an hour when there is a knock on my front door. I went out, opened the door and there is this 250 pound guy staring at me going, "What in the hell do you think you're doing with her?" And I looked him right in the eyes and said, "I'm cutting her damn hair and you're just going to have to wait, all right?"
---End Scene---
I know that was a little inapporpriate, but it's good for a laugh, right? :lol
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Here's a funny, if anything else slightly weird, phone service for those who don't quite feel right upstairs. Got it sent to me by a friend and felt it could give you guys your recommended daily dose of laughter :D
"Hello and welcome to the Mental Health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly,
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 FOR you,
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6,
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call,
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership,
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press,
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter WHAT button you press coz no one will answer you,
If you are dsylexic, press 6,9,6,9,6,9,6,9,6,9,
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidgit with the hash (#) key until the beep........after the beep............please wait for the beep.......
If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later,
And if you have low self-esteem, please hang up now because all our operators are busy and cannot talk to you."
Don't ya just hate those automated hotline services?! :lol
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What snakes are best as math?
Adders
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Those are both bad, ptyra and Littlefoot. :lol:
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This one is priceless! I love what he said at the end! :lol :lol
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously
gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he
served
us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend,
he came swishing down the aisle and told
us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the
big scary plane shortly, so lovely people,
if you could just put your trays
up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
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Pushy pushy. :P: He needs some more wa-wa to cool down.
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Oooooo....someone got verbally slapped! :lol
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You have two cows.
Google Earth
You have two cows. Unfortunately they are located within the 99.9999...% of the world where the resolution is so low you can't even see your cows pixels
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Whatdaya call a vegetarian with a bad case of diarrhea?
A Salad Shooter :lol!
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A man is walking out in the desert, when a ballon comes by with two passengers.
Passenger 1) Hey mate, where in the world are we?
man on the ground) Here!!
Passenger 1) ahh, he's a mahtimatician
Passenger 2) How do yer know that??
Passenger 1) well, his answer was a 100% correct, but totally useless
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This one really happened to me about two months ago.
My vehicle would not start and someone I know had to help me jump it. Anyhoo, when she arrived I asked her, "Can ya help me with these cumper jables?"
We laughed our a**** off at that one :lol!
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A monkey's emtering a bar.
He walks over to the counter, and smashes a 20 dollar on to it.
'ONE BIG CAN OF BEER'!
The bartender got shocked.
Never before had a talking monkey placed an order on his bar! But, okay. Anyone should get a beer if they order it.
So he takes the money and gives the monkey his beer. But he can't get this out of his head. People were starring! So he asks:'Hrm, not often we have monkeys here'... And the monkey answered: 'I can tell! When you take 20 dollars for a can of beer!!
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What a Swed, speaking bad english would say if he/she was involved in a car accident in, let's say the states:
Police: "Well, well, can you explain to me how this happened?"
Swed: "Well officer, I don't really know, first came the fart, then came the smell!"
:lol:
.......................
Fart = Speed, in swedish
Smell/sm‰ll = crash/bang in swedish
So now you can see why! It wouldn't suprise me if this have happened! :lol
/Lillefot
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Hahahaha! :lol
Here's one: A sadist and a masochist lived in the same apartment complex on separate floors. One evening, the masochist was in dire need of some serious torture. He took the elevator up three floors to the sadist's apartment and pounded on the door. The sadist answered the door to find the masochist on his knees. "What can I do for ya, now?" grumbled the sadist. "Please, pleaaase man! Ya gotta help me! Please kick my a** and kick it good! Will ya help me?" Given the nature of a true sadist, the sadist simply told him, "Nope."
Hint: Ya may need a dictionary to understand this one :lol.
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It seems like were in to jokes again!
The closet
A woman sits at home in her living room. She did some thinking, and realized she needed a new closet. So, she went to the nearest furniture store, and bougt one. When she got home, she put it together and leaned back, proad of her work.
Then, the tram passes by outside, and the closet falls together on the floor.
The woman is stunned, but thinks; Probably just a coincidence...
So she puts it back together again.
A couple of minutes later, the tram passes by again.
Same story, the closet falls to the floor.
The woman gets grumpy, and picks up her phone and makes a call to the store, asking them to send a specialist.
After a while the specialist, a man, arrives.
"So, what's the problem?" he asks.
"Every time the tram passes by outside, my closet here falls together!" the woman complains.
"Hmmm, you'll have to prove that, mam'." the man says.
So, they put the closet back together and waits.
Once again, the tram passes by and the closet falls into peices.
"Hmmm... well, it might be something inside the closet... lets put it back together again!" the man says. And so they do.
"Now, I'm going to sit inside the closet this time, and we'll see what happends!"
The man enters the closet and the woman sits down and waits.
As she waits, her husband gets home.
"Hi darling! Oh, that is a smashing closet you've bought!"
He walks over and opens the closet, and the man says:
"You won't belive me know... but I'm waiting for the tram!"
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Lol xD :lol :lol
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"Have you ever met a woman, who's only touch makes you tremble...?"
the new, fallen in love youngster asks his friend.
"Oh yeah! My dentist!"
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Okay, this one may come across as somewhat dirty but it's too funny to not post here :p.
A man had to get his teeth worked on, so he went to the doctor to be prescribed something to calm him down before going to the dentist. The doctor said to the man, "I can give you a shot." The man replied, "Oh, no no. I don't like sharp objects." The doctor said, "Okay, well, I can give you a pill." The man replied, "Oh no no no. I don't like to take pills." The doctor sighed and said, "Okay, well, I can give you the gas." The man replied, "Oh no no no. I don't like things on my face." The doctor said, "Well, there's not much else I can do for you except give you some Viagra." The man looked at the doctor in a puzzled fashion and replied, "Why would you give me Viagra?" and the doctor replied, "Well, you're gonna need something to hold onto when you get your teeth worked on." :p :lol
This next one's NOT intended to be racially charged :anger!
There was an Asian couple who had a Caucasian baby boy. The wife said to her husband, "What should we name him?" and the husband replied, "Hmm...I think we should name him...Sum Ting Wong."
I'm censoring this one for the sake of any possible very young guests here.
Question: Whadaya call a potato that's been in a man's pants?
Answer: A D***-Tator!"
:lol :lol
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A little boy was riding his new bike down the street on Christmas morning when a cop on a horse suddenly stopped him.
Cop: Did Santa Claus bring you that bike, little boy?
Boy: Yes he did.
Cop: Well next time, tell Santa to put a tail light on the bike.
He hands the boy a traffic ticket for not having a tail light.
Boy ( in a pissed off tone): Hey, did Santa Claus bring you that horse?
Cop (deciding to play along): Yes he did. Why?
Boy: Next time, tell Santa to put the d*** under the horse, not on top of it!
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:blink: :) :D :lol: :lol
Haha, that's pretty good F-14 Ace!
A late good friend of mine showed me this one:
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in West Virginia recently with
two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its
fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must
understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them
swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this
here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden. The
hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's
the truth Mr.Government man, I'll show you. It really works." "Okay,"
said the game warden. "I've GOT to see this!" The hillbilly poured the
fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game
warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?" The hillbilly
said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
Those in West Virginia may not be as smart as some city slickers, but
they aren't as dumb as most government employees..
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Cancerian Tiger, F-14 and Lillfot, those jokes were priceless!!! :lol :lol :lol Man, those gags had me in stitches! :DD :DD :DD
May as well get in on the act.
A guy walks into a bar and grabs a pint. He then sees and old friend he hadn't seen in a while sitting just next to him.
"Hey mate! Haven't seen you for ages!" he said.
"Hey buddy, long time no see!" his friend replies. The man then notices a small box next to his friend.
"What's in the box?" the man asks. his friend pushes the box in front of him, along the bar-top, opens it up and a little man jumps out with a piano and starts playing.
"Wow! He's great, where'd you get that little man from?" he asks as the tiny man wheels his piano back in the box and shuts the lid behind him.
"There's a place over the other side of town that grants wishes," the friend says.
"Wickid! I'm gonna head there tomorrow then!" the man says excitedly.
Then next day, the same man walks into the bar to meet his friend again but this time he's being followed by flamingo. The friend chokes on his beer as the man sits down and orders a drink.
"Mate! What the hell are you doing with a flamingo?!" the friend gawked.
"I went to that place that grants wishes today and saw the old man in there but he's almost deaf. He's really hard of hearing," the man said.
"What did you wish for?" the friend then asked.
"For a tall bird with long legs that like the colour pink," the man said disappointed. The man pats his friend on the shoulder in empathy,
"Don't worry man, he got mine wrong too."
"How'd you mean mate?" the man asks.
"Well, it's not like I went in there to ask for a 12-inch pianist!"
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Hehe, here's another one:
The Drunk Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a**.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.
Sent in by My Dad
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Heard on the news:
"A 15 year old boy in Boston collapsed after sitting 24 hours infront of World of Warcraft.
The boy was sent to the hospital, in which he was healed!"
:lol :lol:
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Law enforcement jokes! Yay :lol!
Traffic Stop
1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."
Sorry, I Can't do That!
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."
Ten Things To Say When A Cop Pulls You Over
10. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
9. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
8. You must have been doing 125 to keep up with me.....good job.
7. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
1. I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
The Revised Miranda Rights Version 1
1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!
The Revised Miranda Rights Version 2
1. You have the rights to an @$$-kicking.
2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the @$$-kicking.
3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.
The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3
You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________
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Here's one I heard the other day:
I went to the city to see the London Marathon this year. Didn't participate but just watched at the sidelines ready to cheer the racers on. I got a good spot right by the starting line as the runners pulled up. As well as the serious runners, there are always wacky guys in odd costumes running the race just for fun. Then, suddenly, I was two guys join the starting line; one dressed as a chicken, and the other as an egg. I then thought "Ohh...this might be interesting..."
:lol :p :DD
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After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama bin Laden made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
“How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face and punching him in the stomach.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind.
“You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama in the face.
James Madison comes up next, and says “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He kicks Osama in the groin, knocks him to the ground, and stomps on his face.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other early Americans who have the same love for liberty and America.
As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams “This is not what I was promised!”
The prophet Muhammad appears and replies “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, idiot. What did you think I said?”
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Something my mother got in her mail at work, which she shared with us around the dinner table last night.
--------------
The 6 year old and the 4 year old sits in their room, playing.
Suddenly, the 6 year old makes a proposal:
-Hey! I think you and I should start swearing!
The 4 year old agrees with commitment.
-Okay, so when we go down later to eat breakfast, I'll say something with f*ck in it, and you'll say something with damn in it?
-Yeah, let's do that! says the 4 year old.
Moments later, they're both called down to the kitchen, where their mother greets them.
-So, what'll you two have for breakfast today? she asks.
The 6 year old stands up and says:
-For f*ck sake mom! You know I always have oatmeal for breakfast!
The 6 year old is dragged down from his chair in seconds and gets a load lecture, the spankings and is sent to his room in tears.
Then the mother turns around to the 4 year old, hands to the sides and with strict expression.
-And what will YOU have!?
The 4 year old, terrified:
-I don't know mother! But you'll be damn sure it's not oatmeal!
--------------
Yeah, oatmeal is dangerous. :P:
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Oh, I've got one! This is what happens when you're looking up stuff about weight problems :P:
Signs You're Too Fat For Your Pants
*You've lost the feeling below your ankles.
*When you walk you have to waddle like a duck, so you fabricate a story about a knee-injury to dismiss curious onlookers.
*When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where your keys were in your pants pocket the night before.
*The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you lost a finger.
*Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle.
*People ask you questions like, "Are you a professional scuba diver, or do you just wear the gear?"
*The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker.
*It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small crane and a power winch.
*When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you your pants look great.
*Your name is Al Roker.
:lol :lol