Show Posts
121
The Written Word / Little britain fanfic
« on: June 25, 2007, 05:45:46 PM »
Since i've found a little britain fan i thought i'd share a fan fic i've written based on one of the characters. For those who dont watch little britain and so don't know the character called Des Kaye he was a childrens tv presenter but lost his job and spent his days working in DIY universe. This is my first fan fic so go easy on me. :unsure:
The Rise and Fall of Des Kaye
Fan fiction by Teresa Watts
Based on the character created by Matt Lucas and David Walliams
June 23rd 1988
" Bye Bye Des Kaye Fans ! Wicky Woo !!!"
Kids tv presented Des Kaye smiles whilst waving, his puppet Mr Crocodile Dancing on his left hand and a merry tune is playing.
"And Cut ! That's a wrap people. Well done everyone ! " Stephen the director shouted.
Everybody crowds around Des to congratulate him as he heads down the corridor closely followed by supporting preformer Dickie Bubble a short man with curly brown hair which is covered in thick yellow custard.
"Erm.. Des ? May i have a word with you ?" He asks nervously " I've been talking with Robin Dee and we both wondered if maybe we could a bigger part in the show."
Des stops at his dressing room door and turns to Dickie.
"Why ? Don't you like playing 'What's in the custard' with the little kiddies ? And besides if you two got bigger parts you'd get more attention than me. That would be right now would it ?"
"Why not ?" asked Dickie confused.
"What's this show called ?" Des asks.
" Fun bus"
"WHO's fun bus ?"
Dickie sighs
"Des Kaye's"
"Exactly. MY Fun bus, MY show !!"
Des enters his dressing room slamming the door behind him. He sighs and turns on the light to be welcomed by walls covered with posters from Des's early shows 'Don't tell mummy', 'Punch me in the face please' and 'Can you keep a secret' which weren't at all as successful as 'Fun bus'. There was also newspaper clippings and tv guide covers that had been framed.
Des placed Mr Crocodile on his stand and sat back on his chair, feet on desk. There is a knock on the door and a man know as Smyde walks in beaming. It's is very clear that Smyde is an arse kisser but Des didn't mind as he liked the attention.
"Hello Mr Kaye. Good News ! The ratings have gone up another 10% this month."
"Ahh good. Lets keep it going ! Even Timmy Mallet can't beat me now !!"
Smyde just smiles clearly not knowing who Timmy Mallet is and then perks up again.
"And Mr Kaye 'Croc o' dile rap' has reachedthe top 30 in the charts."
"WAHEY !! Take that Wombles !!" Des Shouts happily.
"Erm actually Des..The Wombes have had 5 top 10 singles throughout 1974"
"Are they in the charts now though ? No they're not so TAKE THAT WOMBLES !!!" he shouts again as he places the 'Croc O' dile rap' tape into the cassette player and starts to sing along.
" Top o' the mornin' to the girlies !
Top o' the mornin' to the boys !
Top o' the mornin' everybody !
Let's all make some noise !!! "
There is another knock at the door.
"Mr Kaye your mother is on the phone."
Des Grimaces in disgust.
"Ok connect her through. MUMSIE !!! Hello you alright ? Ah yes up another 10% this month .....Yeah dad would be so proud......Well look i'll visit you tommorow mum. Promise ! Cross my big loving heart and hope to die..t. Ok mumsie ! Love you lots !" He slams the phone down and grimaces again. "Horrible cow ! Why doesn't she die ? All my life i've had to be her goody two shoes son. When will this nightmare end ?" Des realises that Smyde is still in the room. "Well Smyde don't you have better thinks to do ?"
"Ah yes Mr Kaye see you saturday then." he heads for the door.
"Tommorow you mean." Corrects Des.
"But aren't you going to see your mother ?"
Des laughs.
"Yeah ! When hell freezes over !! I'm not gonna spend 5 hours of my time in that puss ridden flat hearing about my scumbag alcoholic father. I've got better things to do like review that new Bob Hoskins film. What's it called ?"
Smyde flicks through his papers.
"erm...It's called 'Who framed Roger Rabbit' It's sort of a live action with a mix of animation and there's lots of Disney characters and Looney toons aswell."
"Disney ? Isn't he dead yet ?" Des Asks. It's clear he doesn't really want to see the film.
"Yes he died back in 1966."
Des just shrugs.
"Shows how much i know huh ? Fine i'll go review this Rodney Rabbit film then."
June 24th
"Wicky woo !! That was alot of fun wasn't it kiddies ? Now before i go i want to tell you about Disney's latest film 'Who framed Roger Rabbit' it had Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse and a very funny piano duel between Daffy and Donald Duck. A brilliant film that gets Des's rating of 10 out of 10 so go after the show and nag to you parents day and night until the agree to take you to see it. Well that's all for today's show Des Kaye fans ! Have a wicky wooooooonderful day. BYE !!!!!!"
"Des ?" Dickie Bubble asked "Have you thought about what i said yesterday ?"
"Yes Dickie i have and it's still a no. MY show ! MY rules ! Now go get cleaned up. You looks stupid with all that custard on you."
Des heads for his dressing room closely followed by Smyde.
"Ah Des there you are !"
"I haven't got time for your arse kissing today ok. I have important things to do." Des dives into the dressing room and locks the door behind him. He gets himself a glass and pours a glass of scotch. Quickly he gulps it down and pours another, looking at his reflection in the mirror raises his glass. " Here's to you Des Kaye. No one or nothing can stop you now."
July 8th
"CANCELLED ? What do you mean i'm cancelled ?" Des shouts in disbelief at his director Stephen.
"Well Des" He starts nervously "It's time for change. After all 'Fun Bus' has been going on for five years now.."
"And it can bloody well continue for another bloody five bloody years !!!"
"Look calm down Des ! Maybe you can have a part on the new show 'The Bubble Twins' "
"The WHAT ???"
"The Bubble Twins. It's a new show Dickie Bubble and Robin Dee came up with."
"RIGHT THAT IS IT !!!" Des storms off to find them. "Oi ! You two gay bashers ! What do you think you're doing taking my show off the air ?"
Robin hides behind Dickie in fright.
"Now Des. I did try to talk to you but you just wouldn't listen. Sorry but it's time to move on."
"Oh whatever ! It won't last ya know. No one's going to let two queers present a kids show. That's just a freak to nature ! And you Robin Dee you're already married."
Robin plucks up the courage to confront him.
"Look Des i don't care if it's a freak to nature. I'm getting a divorce from my wife and staying with Dickie and OUR show is going to be the best !"
"Yeah right !!!" Des laughs confidently " After the first show is broadcast kiddies all over britain will be chanting "Des Kayes Fun bus !" and you two will be back jumping around in custard."
He turns and walks away proudly. Going down the corridor nobody looks at him, even Smyde tried to hide when he sees him coming. As he reaches his dressing room he sees people moving out his stuff.
"Hey What do you think you're doing ? This is my dressing room."
"Not anymore mate" a mover says "It's the Bubble twins dressing room now."
"Des !" It's Stephen "I've been searching all over for you. Look you didn't give me time to explain before. ITV have got in touch and would be interested in having you preform you show on saturday mornings."
A spark of hope is lit and Des feel a bit glad.
"So i can still preform my 'Fun bus' show ?"
"Yes but you can't use the name 'Fun bus' as we have copyright on it. But you could probably call it 'Des Kaye's Fun Coach' Sound fun eh ?"
"Well i guess." Des said uncertain. Stephen gives a short sigh of relief.
"Well it's settled then. ITV want you to sign the contract right away."
"Steve ?....Can i have Mr Crocodile ?" Des asks.
"Of course you can Des." He passes him the puppet. Des hugs it and makes it cry in his arms. "Now Des there's no need to be childish about this." He pats Des on the back "Good luck !"
Over many years
Things didn't go well for Des on ITV. His show didn't get good ratings and then found himself arrested for gross indecency but all charges were dropped. ITV later cancelled his contract so he tried to find new work to do but no luck. He even had to move into his mother's flat which his mother was pleased about.
As the years went by Des saw his past famous life wash away as he got a job in DIY Universe. The bubble twins show ran for 2 years a they decided to retire and live together on a farm in Devon. A brother Duo called "The chuckle Brothers" took over with their tv series 'Chucklevision' and board game show 'To me, To you'. Des was aware of them back in his days of fame in 1987 when the first did 'Chucklevision' but Des had the kids attention. From the happy life of the most popular kids presenter to a lonely store worker Des found himself spending mornings sitting around in a rundown cafe.
12th Febuary 2005
"Des ?" A voice said. Des looked up to see his old director Stephen who is now alot older and has no hair.
"Stephen ? oh my god it's been so long" Des shakes his hand happy that somebody still recognises him. "Wow stephen it has been a long time."
"Yeah tell me about it. How have you been ? What have you been doing all his time ?"
"Oh Stephen it's been a nightmare. Where do i start ? You obviously read about my show being cancelled ? Then i tried to a documentary about Louis Therox."
"Ah yes" Stephen recalls " You bit the interviewer right ?"
"Yeah but she was such a bitch she asked for it.... Still don't matter now. The i tried to get myself a good role in 1998 as the new voice of Tigger in the Disney Winnie the Pooh series."
"I thought you'd always hated Disney ?"
"Well yeah but Tigger is a popular character and i though i could do better than the last bloke. THEN they went and gave it to the bloke who already voices Pooh ! Talk about a character hogger !" Des clocks Stephen's face and apologizes.
"Is it true that you auditioned to be the new Doctor Who ?" Stephen asked.
"Yeah i was doing so well." Des said proudly
"Then you called Russel T. Davies a "Bum bandit" if i remember correctly."
"Well....yeah but he started it cos he said Mr Crocodile couldn't be my assistant. And the bloke in the Dalek started touching my bum with the sink plunger."
Conversation dies down again and Stephen gets them both a coffee.
"so what about you stephen ? what happened to mister big director ?" Des asked. Stephen sighs.
"Well we was onset of 'The Bubble Twins' and we had a fire eater as the star guest........You can pretty much guess how that went." He sighs again. "I did earn a bit of money in the USA. I wrote a tune called 'The Hasee Bounce" that is used on the Neopets game 'Hasee Bounce'."
"HASSE YOU ! POW !" Des laughs. "So you wrote a tune for one of the greatest virtual pet sites on the whole web ?"
"Yeah but i ran out of ideas after 'The ice cream factory' theme. I moved out to Australia where a friend lived and got a small job at the Disney studio out there. Sadly the studio closed last year after they finished 'Cinderella III so i came back to the UK. And here i am ! What are you doing playing on a virtual pet site ?"
Des Shrugs
"Cures the boredom i s'pose. Cinderella 3 ? And you wonder why i hate Disney ?" He looks at his watch " Well i got to go to work now. See ya round yeah ?" They swap mobile numbers.
18th April
'The Sweeney' theme plays as Des's mobile rings. It's Stephen so he answers it.
"Hi Stephen what's up ?....a job where ?.......Really an entertainer ? You think i could do that ? Wow yeah i'll get in touch with them right a away ! Thanks Steve. "
Finally after many years of bad work and disappointment Des is back preforming 'Fun bus' at a holiday camp. Sure it's not tv but it's better than nothing, and with games such as hide the sausage he'll back on tv in no time right ?
The Rise and Fall of Des Kaye
Fan fiction by Teresa Watts
Based on the character created by Matt Lucas and David Walliams
June 23rd 1988
" Bye Bye Des Kaye Fans ! Wicky Woo !!!"
Kids tv presented Des Kaye smiles whilst waving, his puppet Mr Crocodile Dancing on his left hand and a merry tune is playing.
"And Cut ! That's a wrap people. Well done everyone ! " Stephen the director shouted.
Everybody crowds around Des to congratulate him as he heads down the corridor closely followed by supporting preformer Dickie Bubble a short man with curly brown hair which is covered in thick yellow custard.
"Erm.. Des ? May i have a word with you ?" He asks nervously " I've been talking with Robin Dee and we both wondered if maybe we could a bigger part in the show."
Des stops at his dressing room door and turns to Dickie.
"Why ? Don't you like playing 'What's in the custard' with the little kiddies ? And besides if you two got bigger parts you'd get more attention than me. That would be right now would it ?"
"Why not ?" asked Dickie confused.
"What's this show called ?" Des asks.
" Fun bus"
"WHO's fun bus ?"
Dickie sighs
"Des Kaye's"
"Exactly. MY Fun bus, MY show !!"
Des enters his dressing room slamming the door behind him. He sighs and turns on the light to be welcomed by walls covered with posters from Des's early shows 'Don't tell mummy', 'Punch me in the face please' and 'Can you keep a secret' which weren't at all as successful as 'Fun bus'. There was also newspaper clippings and tv guide covers that had been framed.
Des placed Mr Crocodile on his stand and sat back on his chair, feet on desk. There is a knock on the door and a man know as Smyde walks in beaming. It's is very clear that Smyde is an arse kisser but Des didn't mind as he liked the attention.
"Hello Mr Kaye. Good News ! The ratings have gone up another 10% this month."
"Ahh good. Lets keep it going ! Even Timmy Mallet can't beat me now !!"
Smyde just smiles clearly not knowing who Timmy Mallet is and then perks up again.
"And Mr Kaye 'Croc o' dile rap' has reachedthe top 30 in the charts."
"WAHEY !! Take that Wombles !!" Des Shouts happily.
"Erm actually Des..The Wombes have had 5 top 10 singles throughout 1974"
"Are they in the charts now though ? No they're not so TAKE THAT WOMBLES !!!" he shouts again as he places the 'Croc O' dile rap' tape into the cassette player and starts to sing along.
" Top o' the mornin' to the girlies !
Top o' the mornin' to the boys !
Top o' the mornin' everybody !
Let's all make some noise !!! "
There is another knock at the door.
"Mr Kaye your mother is on the phone."
Des Grimaces in disgust.
"Ok connect her through. MUMSIE !!! Hello you alright ? Ah yes up another 10% this month .....Yeah dad would be so proud......Well look i'll visit you tommorow mum. Promise ! Cross my big loving heart and hope to die..t. Ok mumsie ! Love you lots !" He slams the phone down and grimaces again. "Horrible cow ! Why doesn't she die ? All my life i've had to be her goody two shoes son. When will this nightmare end ?" Des realises that Smyde is still in the room. "Well Smyde don't you have better thinks to do ?"
"Ah yes Mr Kaye see you saturday then." he heads for the door.
"Tommorow you mean." Corrects Des.
"But aren't you going to see your mother ?"
Des laughs.
"Yeah ! When hell freezes over !! I'm not gonna spend 5 hours of my time in that puss ridden flat hearing about my scumbag alcoholic father. I've got better things to do like review that new Bob Hoskins film. What's it called ?"
Smyde flicks through his papers.
"erm...It's called 'Who framed Roger Rabbit' It's sort of a live action with a mix of animation and there's lots of Disney characters and Looney toons aswell."
"Disney ? Isn't he dead yet ?" Des Asks. It's clear he doesn't really want to see the film.
"Yes he died back in 1966."
Des just shrugs.
"Shows how much i know huh ? Fine i'll go review this Rodney Rabbit film then."
June 24th
"Wicky woo !! That was alot of fun wasn't it kiddies ? Now before i go i want to tell you about Disney's latest film 'Who framed Roger Rabbit' it had Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse and a very funny piano duel between Daffy and Donald Duck. A brilliant film that gets Des's rating of 10 out of 10 so go after the show and nag to you parents day and night until the agree to take you to see it. Well that's all for today's show Des Kaye fans ! Have a wicky wooooooonderful day. BYE !!!!!!"
"Des ?" Dickie Bubble asked "Have you thought about what i said yesterday ?"
"Yes Dickie i have and it's still a no. MY show ! MY rules ! Now go get cleaned up. You looks stupid with all that custard on you."
Des heads for his dressing room closely followed by Smyde.
"Ah Des there you are !"
"I haven't got time for your arse kissing today ok. I have important things to do." Des dives into the dressing room and locks the door behind him. He gets himself a glass and pours a glass of scotch. Quickly he gulps it down and pours another, looking at his reflection in the mirror raises his glass. " Here's to you Des Kaye. No one or nothing can stop you now."
July 8th
"CANCELLED ? What do you mean i'm cancelled ?" Des shouts in disbelief at his director Stephen.
"Well Des" He starts nervously "It's time for change. After all 'Fun Bus' has been going on for five years now.."
"And it can bloody well continue for another bloody five bloody years !!!"
"Look calm down Des ! Maybe you can have a part on the new show 'The Bubble Twins' "
"The WHAT ???"
"The Bubble Twins. It's a new show Dickie Bubble and Robin Dee came up with."
"RIGHT THAT IS IT !!!" Des storms off to find them. "Oi ! You two gay bashers ! What do you think you're doing taking my show off the air ?"
Robin hides behind Dickie in fright.
"Now Des. I did try to talk to you but you just wouldn't listen. Sorry but it's time to move on."
"Oh whatever ! It won't last ya know. No one's going to let two queers present a kids show. That's just a freak to nature ! And you Robin Dee you're already married."
Robin plucks up the courage to confront him.
"Look Des i don't care if it's a freak to nature. I'm getting a divorce from my wife and staying with Dickie and OUR show is going to be the best !"
"Yeah right !!!" Des laughs confidently " After the first show is broadcast kiddies all over britain will be chanting "Des Kayes Fun bus !" and you two will be back jumping around in custard."
He turns and walks away proudly. Going down the corridor nobody looks at him, even Smyde tried to hide when he sees him coming. As he reaches his dressing room he sees people moving out his stuff.
"Hey What do you think you're doing ? This is my dressing room."
"Not anymore mate" a mover says "It's the Bubble twins dressing room now."
"Des !" It's Stephen "I've been searching all over for you. Look you didn't give me time to explain before. ITV have got in touch and would be interested in having you preform you show on saturday mornings."
A spark of hope is lit and Des feel a bit glad.
"So i can still preform my 'Fun bus' show ?"
"Yes but you can't use the name 'Fun bus' as we have copyright on it. But you could probably call it 'Des Kaye's Fun Coach' Sound fun eh ?"
"Well i guess." Des said uncertain. Stephen gives a short sigh of relief.
"Well it's settled then. ITV want you to sign the contract right away."
"Steve ?....Can i have Mr Crocodile ?" Des asks.
"Of course you can Des." He passes him the puppet. Des hugs it and makes it cry in his arms. "Now Des there's no need to be childish about this." He pats Des on the back "Good luck !"
Over many years
Things didn't go well for Des on ITV. His show didn't get good ratings and then found himself arrested for gross indecency but all charges were dropped. ITV later cancelled his contract so he tried to find new work to do but no luck. He even had to move into his mother's flat which his mother was pleased about.
As the years went by Des saw his past famous life wash away as he got a job in DIY Universe. The bubble twins show ran for 2 years a they decided to retire and live together on a farm in Devon. A brother Duo called "The chuckle Brothers" took over with their tv series 'Chucklevision' and board game show 'To me, To you'. Des was aware of them back in his days of fame in 1987 when the first did 'Chucklevision' but Des had the kids attention. From the happy life of the most popular kids presenter to a lonely store worker Des found himself spending mornings sitting around in a rundown cafe.
12th Febuary 2005
"Des ?" A voice said. Des looked up to see his old director Stephen who is now alot older and has no hair.
"Stephen ? oh my god it's been so long" Des shakes his hand happy that somebody still recognises him. "Wow stephen it has been a long time."
"Yeah tell me about it. How have you been ? What have you been doing all his time ?"
"Oh Stephen it's been a nightmare. Where do i start ? You obviously read about my show being cancelled ? Then i tried to a documentary about Louis Therox."
"Ah yes" Stephen recalls " You bit the interviewer right ?"
"Yeah but she was such a bitch she asked for it.... Still don't matter now. The i tried to get myself a good role in 1998 as the new voice of Tigger in the Disney Winnie the Pooh series."
"I thought you'd always hated Disney ?"
"Well yeah but Tigger is a popular character and i though i could do better than the last bloke. THEN they went and gave it to the bloke who already voices Pooh ! Talk about a character hogger !" Des clocks Stephen's face and apologizes.
"Is it true that you auditioned to be the new Doctor Who ?" Stephen asked.
"Yeah i was doing so well." Des said proudly
"Then you called Russel T. Davies a "Bum bandit" if i remember correctly."
"Well....yeah but he started it cos he said Mr Crocodile couldn't be my assistant. And the bloke in the Dalek started touching my bum with the sink plunger."
Conversation dies down again and Stephen gets them both a coffee.
"so what about you stephen ? what happened to mister big director ?" Des asked. Stephen sighs.
"Well we was onset of 'The Bubble Twins' and we had a fire eater as the star guest........You can pretty much guess how that went." He sighs again. "I did earn a bit of money in the USA. I wrote a tune called 'The Hasee Bounce" that is used on the Neopets game 'Hasee Bounce'."
"HASSE YOU ! POW !" Des laughs. "So you wrote a tune for one of the greatest virtual pet sites on the whole web ?"
"Yeah but i ran out of ideas after 'The ice cream factory' theme. I moved out to Australia where a friend lived and got a small job at the Disney studio out there. Sadly the studio closed last year after they finished 'Cinderella III so i came back to the UK. And here i am ! What are you doing playing on a virtual pet site ?"
Des Shrugs
"Cures the boredom i s'pose. Cinderella 3 ? And you wonder why i hate Disney ?" He looks at his watch " Well i got to go to work now. See ya round yeah ?" They swap mobile numbers.
18th April
'The Sweeney' theme plays as Des's mobile rings. It's Stephen so he answers it.
"Hi Stephen what's up ?....a job where ?.......Really an entertainer ? You think i could do that ? Wow yeah i'll get in touch with them right a away ! Thanks Steve. "
Finally after many years of bad work and disappointment Des is back preforming 'Fun bus' at a holiday camp. Sure it's not tv but it's better than nothing, and with games such as hide the sausage he'll back on tv in no time right ?
i'll try and put some LBT pics up. Glad to know there's a little britain fan here 
: *
I looooooove The Land Before Time Films. Thanks to DarkHououmon for telling me about this board. :^.^: