Of Loss and Discovery

[Ducky123]

Synopsis: The two swimmer children Nishir and Takari couldn't be more different but, regardless, they're very close friends. Living in a small, sheltered valley near the coast with their small herd, their life is full of games, laughter and ridicule for those two. Nishir hates Takari because of her passion to make fun of him whenever physically possible. She's always pranking, teasing or embarrassing him as well as winning most of their games, however he is also enticed by her ways and her good looks. Too shy to admit his feelings and too afraid to be the center of the girl's ridicule, their relationship stalls despite Takari's obvious hints and Nishir reluctantly accepts the frequent humiliation. However, things change dramatically for the two swimmers when, suddenly, they lose everything they ever cared about. Left with only each other, their despair and a faint hope of a new land across the Big Water, they set out on a journey not only to find a new home but to find themselves as well.

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Prologue:

"Where do you come from?"

"Where are your parents?"

"What happened to your tail?"

"Are you two siblings?"

"No, they look much more like lov..."

"Hey, not everyone at once, alright?"

Kids... The only thing greater than their energy is their curiosity which knows no boundaries but their own fantasy. I am being cornered with questions - no, bombarded! Four little swimmers are gathered in front of me, little rascals, let me tell you! The moment I saw them for the first time, I knew they'd be trouble. Although a few seasons younger than me, they remind me of my brothers and sisters and of the fact that, in spite of all that happened in recent times, I am still a child myself.

"I'm Nishir," I introduce myself, trying to get a good first impression on these younger children and trying to look cool in front of them but I think I butchered my expression and pose. Ignoring their perplexed looks, I look to my right. "And this is..."

"Takari, nice to meet you!" the girl next to me says with a kind smile, waving cheerfully in greeting. Darn, why did they buy that but not my introduction?! Ah, I guess I should be glad to see that smile of hers again - although it also means she's back to her cheeky, annoying self, ugh!

You may wonder; why are we introducing ourselves to a bunch of children we don't know? We, that is Takari and me, Nishir, just got adopted and we've been through a lot, let me tell you that. These guys are going to be our new siblings and, for better or worse, we'll have to get to know each other and those goofballs are already excited!

"I know y'all are super-duper excited to get to know your new siblings," I proclaim in a dramatic fashion, waving around with my arms. "I bet you got lots of questions so how about..."

"Storytime!" My expression freezes over as Takari steals their attention with frightening efficiency. Darn that girl, I bet she does that just to annoy me! She ALWAYS does that kinda stuff! And now she's totally spoiling my first impression on our new siblings!

"We'll tell you how we ended up joining your family and..." She makes a dramatic pause and, quite unlike my attempt, she absolutely absorbs the kids with her words. "... and after story time, you can ask until your beaks fall off! Does that sound good?"

The roaring cheers are a testimony that Takari captured their attention excellently - well, maybe I would have made it too if she hadn't intervened! Anyway, I think I shouldn't complain, especially since she seems to have them wrapped up which also means that they will probably not interrupt too much and listen. I take a deep breath, clear my throat, exchange one more glance with Takari. She nods; I nod as well. Both of us still haven't fully digested what we had to go through - Takari still cries when she goes to sleep and I am still haunted by sleep stories. Neither of us are quite comfortable with reliving the horrors of the past but this is also our chance to move on and start anew.

"Mind you, this isn't a happy story but it has a happy ending. It is the story about how the two of us lost everything we had... And how we ended up coming to this island..."

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Hi all 

The fanfiction prompt challenge is entering its next season and while this is once again going to put a hiatus on my ongoing longfics, I couldn't resist writing a story for the first prompt as it has so many possibilities that I actually had to filter what kind of ideas I wanted to use. I'm going to  be using the dialogue prompt but it'll take a while for the line to appear. What expects you in this story? A completely original story, probably around 50k words or a little more, based on the two characters who just introduced themselves. It's my first attempt writing 1st person POV so bear with me  if it doesn't work and let me know if something needs fixing! 

This also challenges me with a new system of formatting as you may have noticed in this short prologue. While writing, I noticed that it often wasn't very easy to tell who is talking so I had to come up with something.

Normal text: Nishir is narrating, either in dialogue or narrator-style prose.

normal italics: Nishir is thinking or having an inner monologue.

BOLD: Someone other than Nishir is talking

I hope that avoids any confusion

I'm going to upload chapter 1 along with the prologue as it is so short. Let me know what you think 

PS: I think you can tell that formatting this story on the forum would be hell. Therefore, I'm making an exception and will be linking to the chapters on ff.net for this story.

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Link to ff.net: Chapter 1: When everything was still good

[Sovereign]

This is an interesting start to this story, certainly. Your handling of the first-person perspective works quite well and it seems to fit this fic quite well. You kept things very strictly in Nishir’s perspective, as you should, and considering this is your first fic of this kind, you did rather well in that regard. The plot seems pretty open right now but the two siblings’ characters were developed rather well and you built a solid foundation on which to build this story further.

I always like fics where the main character is actually telling his or her own story to others as it creates a more interesting feeling to the story and it allows the reader to sympathize with them more closely. Nishir and Takari certainly don’t feel like their old selves anymore and even if gives away that both of them survive the story, it also makes it even easier to appreciate all they’ve gone through as they go through their past deeds in real time.

About the second chapter, it was sufficiently detailed to really introduce us to our protagonists. The contrast between the siblings is quite stark and while it’s rather extreme, those differences make it easier to give them distinct personalities. However, that installment already made me heartily dislike Takari as I was more than upset with her even before the midpoint. She seems far more tolerable in the current day, though, so there’s hope I can get over her at some point.

That being said, it’s good to see you breaking new ground with your tales and this seems like a rather promising story. You certainly can make this an extremely interesting fic and it’ll be great to see just what kind of miserable story the siblings have before themselves. But well done with the style and premise thus far!

[rhombus]

Review of the prologue:

This is quite a promising introduction to a new story. Beginning a story by using the character's own storytelling as a hook is a good, time-honored way of giving a reader an idea of what has transpired without giving too much away.  In this introductory prologue we now have a feel for the personalities of our two protagonists, an idea of what happens at the conclusion of their tale, and that it has an unhappy beginning.  This strikes the right balance between giving too much away and not roping the reader into the story.  I look forward to seeing how this story develops from here. 

Review of chapter 1:

I quite enjoy the banter on display in this chapter as it clearly shows us the personalities of these two characters in a way that the prologue only hinted at.  Both of our main characters, Takari and Nashir, are very distinct from other OCs in the fandom and exhibit a rather humorous amount of familiarity and teasing banter between one another.  I also must applaud you on coming up with an LBT version of rock, paper, scissors.  I can almost imagine fastbiters using this to resolve disputes, but it obviously wouldn't work for longnecks or threehorns.  I don't really have much more to say about this chapter, except to say that the objective of introducing the two main characters and their personal dynamics was certainly achieved.  I look forward to seeing what happened next which interrupted their childhood.

[Anagnos]

I will say that this story is rather interesting thus far, and the first person view in it works relatively well and you have managed to pull it off nicely. While I am not a big fan of first person stories, I am happy to see that you are trying something different for exchange. I have found myself many times trying to find the perfect style precisely for me in the past, and I believe I have found it now. Still, there were certain things that I will bring up that I found to be lacking.

The introduction chapter gave us a clear view on the main characters and their relationship with one another. Whatever happened to these two likely only made their bond so much more important and strong, but that remains to be seen. Although, this is where the problems begin the surface. Personally, I would have kept the introduction as part of the first chapter. It still would have worked legitimately in that case, and would have helped to ensure that the overall mood of the story didn’t suffer. This is just my personal opinion on the matter.

While the comedic part was a welcome addition and even entertaining for the most part, it did feel like that very portion overshadowed the drama behind it that would soon come to pass, but it is understandable considering that tension will likely soon follow. I feel like that some of the things that Nishir thought about could have been delivered better had they been done in the manner of, show don’t tell, for example. Your example kind of gave the impression that a narrator was telling the story.

Takari is not exactly an easy character to get along with from the initial impression, so I completely understand and even sympathize with Nishir. This was a very great way to show how their relationship developed over time and it gives more detail to their characterization compared to the introduction portion and you did this one perfectly.

So far, the plot seems to be very interesting and your style definitely makes it work a bit better in the grand scale of things. I hope I wasn’t too harsh in my review, and I will be looking forward to how the story develops from here. There certainly is potential to create sweet drama in the next installments to counter the comedic atmosphere.

[OwlsCantRead]

First-person is a tricky perspective to use, but I say you captured Nishir's frustrations rather well with his maelstrom of thoughts. I also like how the start of the chapter shows how different Nishir is compared to Takari with him listing a wide array of differences, as it is a nice way to describe both characters without being explicit about it.

There is definitely some belligerent tension between Nishir and Takari, the latter of whom comes of as the wholesome prankster type who is likely making fun of a swimmer she arguably likes. The reverse psychology she displays with the game of rock-treestar-claw and her instigating questions to mess with Nishir truly are something, and seeing things from Nishir's point of view only captures his muddled feelings as his emotions swing between irritation and a repressed longing crush. I am excited for more with these two indeed, they have a hilarious dynamic.

[Ducky123]

Thank you very much for these amazing reviews guys! I included my responses in the new chapter that's finally up! I'm feeling really encouraged now and I think the next chapter is only a matter of time as I sorta wrote it earlier today

Chapter 2 - The Mysterious Caverns

The last chapter before the drama begins, hope you enjoy

@Anagnos As I said in the ff.net response to your review, I'd really appreciate if you could give an example or two where I did the "show don't tell" beginner mistake  It's a mistake that shouldn't happen to me anymore 

[Sovereign]

This chapter continued the story quite naturally after the duo’s introduction and it was written decently. It was pretty nice to see another example of the two friends’ normal days as it solidified and built their relationship even more. Especially Takari’s somewhat genuine moments showed that she’s not merely a bully even if Nishir still doesn’t seem quite happy with her antics. It is still rather awkward for me to read her dialogue as I certainly wouldn’t want to be anywhere near her but you made her at least a bit more bearable here.

The events portrayed here were rather simple and straightforward and there’s not really much to be said about that. I guess you were referring at least partially to me when you mentioned those who aren’t fans of this kind of storytelling and you weren’t really mistaken. Still, I appreciate a good foundation to a story so I trust that additional characterizations to the two swimmers will be useful in the long run. As for the ending, it seems like Takari and Nishir are up to an unsavory encounter which very probably results in a major plot twist. In any case, you have my attention with this fic.

[Anagnos]

This chapter explored more of the relationship between Takari and Nishir and I must say that I found this part to be very well done with minor references to their rather special bond between each other when the former continues her awkward teasing. The interactions between them were done rather well and the things they discussed during the chapter were rather curious little details added into the narrative. Moreover, the revelation about Takari’s inability to sleep alone was a heartfelt moment that managed to present her in a more intriguing manner that makes the reader feel sympathetic towards her.

Truth be told, initially I was under the impression that Takari was simply a bully trying to receive a reaction from Nishir that she’d find humorous. This fact is reinforced when she openly admits the fact that she finds it very amusing to make fun of him. However, her confession later on shows that while she may be a bit of a bully occasionally, she is trying to become a better friend which managed to show exactly how their current relationship actually works and what would eventually be molded into a closer bond between them. I also found it to be hilarious that Nishir is trying hard to suppress his disdain for her antics while simultaneously finding her actions rather sweet.

Like Sovereign already said, while there may have not been much action in this chapter, it might ultimately work in favor as this is but the foundation of the greater story that is still yet to come. Although, I am highly interested by what will happen in the next chapter as the closing statement seems to hint of a possibilty that something sinister will happen sooner or later. This will be an interesting development to follow for sure even without much context what this mysterious figure is and could potentially change the entire structure of the story thus far. I will be looking forward to how you will tackle these events in the following chapters.

[rhombus]

I quite like how this chapter allowed us to see more of the Takari and Nishir relationship.  Though there is something to be said about having a story immediately jump into the action, I think that allowing the readers to get a good feel for the characters and their relationships is a better first step even if it slows down the narrative.  In particular I like how this chapter allowed us to get a more nuanced view of Takari's personality.  We now see that her recklessness and assertiveness is combined with a sympathetic side, which makes her much more well-rounded and interesting as a character.  Though the humorous mismatch of personalities between the two main characters is still on display, which adds much to personality of the story. 

Though not much in terms of major plot developments happened in this chapter (with the exception of a hint of something to come) I quite enjoyed the chapter nonetheless. A good story requires a good foundation, and we are certainly seeing the laying of the foundation here. 

[OwlsCantRead]

Perhaps the funniest part about Nishir's antics is how much of his thoughts is being suppressed and how he often says something completely different than what is on his mind. Usually I would never go this in depth into a character's introspective thoughts and thus I had my apprehension about the italics and bold formatting choice, but I see why it's needed now - Nishir's thoughts often contradict his words.

The mutual pining (and refusal to broach the subject directly) between Nishir and Takari is very thrilling to read, and in a way I think Nishir is being willfully ignorant and actively denying what his heart is telling him when Takari hints heavily to him that there is a reason he is her favorite target: "a family with you would be loads of fun", "figure out who I'll take with me", and "if I want you to like me" come to mind. In a way, you nailed the tenuous yet heartwarming friendship between the two very well, and it's probably the best part of the story.

But other than that, I do enjoy how down-to-earth Takari is in this chapter while still retaining her core personality traits. It really sells why Nishir still maintains his friendship with her despite his love-hate relationship and crush on Takari. It will be interesting to see how the status quo will shift as time goes on.

[Ducky123]

Thank you so much for the feedback everyone, unless things go awfully bad today, I will upload the new chapter later today including my responses to your reviews. I didn't expect such an encouraging response to be honest

Edit: Yeah the nap after work killed my motivation. It's gonna have to wait until Saturday

[Ducky123]

...or until two weeks later lol. Well, at least you're getting two chapters at once this time

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13453403/4/Of-Loss-and-Discovery

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13453403/5/Of-Loss-and-Discovery

[Anagnos]

Just to let you know, I will be releasing these reviews separately rather than putting them in one post.

Chapter 3: I’m very much in favor of the more darker approach in this chapter when compared to the small hints we have been given throughout the journey thus far. The past pretense that this would merely be a slice of life kind of story has now been swept away just as Takari and Nishir’s entire life with their herd. For the most part, I did find the impending calamity to have been executed decently, my main issues with it lay mostly on how you decided to approach it. Rather than immediately revealing that something was amiss, more preferable option would have been to ease the reader into the dark condition by giving small hints before the ultimate reveal.

But I must confess, that your approach in introducing what is lead to believe to be the tragedy shaping up the duo’s relationship between each other was done rather well, and the death of their families likely shows how such close bond eventually came to be as both of them have now lost something very dear to them. The overall mood of the chapter was mostly a rather tragic one, but the way Nishir began to tend to his last remaining acquaintance of his old life helped set the atmosphere into a hopeful direction. This act of kindness from the male likely is one of the reasons why the two of them end up becoming so close. Though, her short-lived state of shock did not last very long, even after witnessing horrible sight after another did manage to lower the quality of the moment.

In terms of emotional impact, the overall quality of the writing was handled suitably, but lacked the emotion that it required. In spite of my comments, I think the chapter still managed to do its job in introducing the reader to the darker aspects of the story, which will be instrumental in going forward.

[Sovereign]

These two chapters certainly provided a change in this story’s direction. Nishir and Takari’s fun days were cut short in the worst possible way and also put this fic on the track towards the situation the duo are in in the current day. The latter chapter certainly was a depressing one but one can hardly blame Takari for her extreme reaction even if it only makes Nishir’s situation even more unbearable.

Chapter 3 was truly a chaotic one and it was more than easy to feel bad for everyone involved. The two friends’ fear and peril was very tangible as was their fear for their loved ones. The moment they realized the truth was a very sad one and it was very hard to even start to think how they feel and you did a good job there. That was certainly a difficult chapter to read but it was necessary to make this story move forward.

As for the second chapter, it was a slower one but that was more than understandable considering the circumstances. It was interesting to see Takari giving up considering that she was more confident and brash than Nishir which made her character much deeper. It was clear Nishir wasn’t feeling any better than she was but on the other hand, it seemed his feelings for her were forcing him forward. The future looks bleak for them but we do know that Takari is not going to meet her end here.

There were a few things that bothered me, though. The first was that chapter three seemed to start too quickly and even if I understand you might have wanted it to add to the shock value, it felt a bit awkward imo. The second is that in both chapters there were many long paragraphs that were quite heavy to read. And finally, I don’t know if it was intentional but Tamari’s plea for death sounded very much similar to that of Jordy’s character in the rp.

But even then, these chapters were a welcome change to this story and changed it into a tale of survival and mutual help to overcome the looming starvation. It’s clear that both of the young swimmer’s will learn a lot in the days to come and it’ll be interesting to see just what happens from now on.

[Anagnos]

And here is the other review that was promised. I concede that the pun in the chapter was rather great way to relieve the tension in this chapter. Points for that.

Chapter 4: There certainly was a lot more drama in play throughout this entire chapter, and it did a decent job fleshing out this frantic situation Nishir and Takari find themselves trapped in. Furthermore, I believe you managed to sell the idea of them being completely lost better in this one compared to the previous chapter, but since that was merely the starting point of their rather harrowing point in life, it proved to be a welcome extension of their torment. Nevertheless, there was a slight impression lurking behind the scene when Nishir’s short-lived hatred for the sharpeeth outweighing everything else didn’t exactly feel like raw anger, but rather mild annoyance. This was likely due to how you decided to demonstrate this particular moment, rather than the cause being the writing. This could’ve also provided you a rather great chance to explore how exactly it affected Nishir than merely stating how he felt at the moment.

But the sincere and heartfelt moment these two shared prior to Nishir’s mission to find them both required nutrition to stay alive was one that gave us a bit more insightful information in exploring their relationship after the dreadful event that has made them seek solace from each other. Although, Nishir’s personal feelings for the female might make things rather awkward in the future, they definitely require moments like this in order to cope with the loss and pain. Though, certain events in this chapter seemed to be quite contradicting to what has already been revealed. I’m trying to wrap my head around a particular moment with Takari’s incapacity to sleep alone, why then have her sleep alone in the first place? And the reason for this was rather silly and lacked key elements, albeit they are just children.

I don’t think there is a need to worry about what Takari might cause to herself, as she seems to be rather fine in the current timeline, but it will be interesting to see what could have brought this change in her personality, but it certainly will not be fatal as that would present certain continuity issues in the story. That being said, Nishir’s reaction to this revelation (or rather lack thereof) wasn’t handled with the most success as it is hard to believe he would allow that to happen without expressing opposition. For sure, this will allow you to explore these developments in clear light and present a genuine response to this issue in the following chapters.

[OwlsCantRead]

I'll be splitting my reviews as well. Here's Chapter 3:

It feels like a gut punch to have everything taken from our main characters at the drop of a beat. The scenes where both of them witness their families being slaughtered firsthand are very well done... and cruel. I could feel the despair and emotion emanating off of the two as the knowledge sunk in. If anything, I feel the buildup to the attack was lacking as it seemed to happen immediately.

The juxtaposition between playful Takari and her more vulnerable distraught side in this chapter is startling. If there's one thing of note, sticking with Nishir's POV means that we once again only have a superficial view of how Takari is reacting to the loss of her family, especially as Nishir's thoughts in the future scenes (and minor fourth wall breakage) imply that she ended up emotionally traumatised from the experience. With more focus on the present scene also leads to the establishment of the fact that our two orphans have been adopted by a new family. I do wonder how they managed to attain this goal.

[OwlsCantRead]

Alright, Chapter 4:

Now that the horrifying climax of the attack has passed, this chapter focuses on the more low-key emotional impact of... well, depression. Takari is really dependent on Nishir, a huge role-reversal that really forces Nishir to take charge and put aside his discomfort.

I do like that how the flash-forwards are used in this chapter: it really shows the difference in Takari's mindset then and now. Her spunky behavior, which could be misconstrued as annoying in the earlier chapters, now almost seems like a relief. I did predict the withdrawn and traumatized behavior exhibited by Takari from clues in the previous chapter, but personally, I kinda expected for Takari to remain silent and suppress her feelings due to her personality. I also expected Takari to lash out more considering that Nishir seemed to have her somewhat in control considering that she lost her whole family, but I suspect that she is still stuck in the denial shock stage and will be doing something reckless in the next chapter.

The other thing I like is the present-day plotline with Greenie. It is interesting to see that the two friends' story is helping their new family possibly save another family from self-destruction. Again, I'm interested in Takari and Greenie's plotline in the future.

[rhombus]

Chapter 3:
The third chapter begins with the horrific scenes of our two protagonists watching the desperate final battle of their herd against their inevitable demise.  Here we see both the swiftness of the battle, and the growing horror of the protagonists as they see their families disappear before their eyes.  This is a difficult balance to maintain in writing a scene (as the quickness of an ambush can sometimes mute the emotional impact) but I think that you have done well here.  Afterwards, we now see a distinct change in the mannerisms of our protagonists as Takari, who is usually the outgoing one, is now frozen with fear due to both the horror of their loss, but also the instinctual drives of her kind.  Between the instinctual drives of fight, flight, or freeze, she is right now stuck in freeze mode.  It says a lot about his character that he is able to keep his wits together during this time; only breaking down some time later when the full reality of the situation sinks in.  The swimmers finally saying their goodbyes is a poignant moment and one that hopefully will allow them to accept the journey that they now must make.  They are all that remains of their old herd... so it is up to them to go on.

Chapter 4:
This chapter to me is where your understanding of these two characters really shines through.  Both of them are struggling to deal with their loss in their own ways, but with Takari is clearly having a much more difficult time coping.  Her previous carefree world has been utterly shattered with the loss of everything she cherished, apart from one friend.  A loss can be more devastating to an optimist due to them never considering such a dark possibility, and this is well illustrated here.  It also puts Takari's mannerism into perspective.  She may act annoying at times and tease her friend, but now these antics seem like a manifestation of resilience despite loss as opposed to an annoying character trait.  Now that Nishir and Takari are with each other at this, the rock bottom of their lives, it will be interesting to see how they overcome the challenges that await them and eventually arrive at the valley.

I must also echo Owls' words here.  The Greenie aspect of the present story is a promising one indeed.  It has some promise to help another deal with her loss, while also being an additional element which unites the past and present stories together.

I look forward to seeing how things develop from here.

[Ducky123]

My apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I'll include my responses on ff.net as usual for this particular chapter but since there are some aspects everyone seems to agree on, I feel it is necessary to review these two chapters again and make changes.

But first, let me share the next chapter with you. As usual, there will be a ff.net link due to the tricky formatting this story requires (which is a pain in the butt to convert into BB code) but, for the first time in my life, I also need to put up an advisory warning here. As some of you have already predicted, in the chapter to come Takari is going to do something extremely stupid as a response to her extreme sorrow and, in light of what happened to our dear friend who no longer resides among our ranks, I must warn everyone to take extreme caution while reading the chapter, especially if you are mentally unstable and prone to having suicidal thoughts. I sincerely hope that no one is going to start associating with Takari here. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please talk to your friends, family or a therapist about it and call the suicide hotline. I hope this story, as it progresses, will also show why suicide is no solution. Thank you for understanding.

Now that that's taken care of, here's the chapter.

Chapter 5: When a child decides to die

Last but not least, I would like to ask those who have offered criticism to chapters 3 & 4  to check the questions I have attached to my responses on ff.net. I do appreciate your help but I'm afraid some of it isn't constructive and detailed enough for me to draw any ideas about how to improve said chapters (I do intend to edit them if the issues you mentioned are irritating enough to warrant changes) And, of course my biggest concern is not being able to learn from my mistakes due to lack of actual advice. Saying what doesn't work is easy, telling someone how to do it better is not. I'd appreciate it a lot, if you can provide me with additional help and some examples so I can turn my mistakes into a valuable lesson 

I'm not sure if it's quite okay to say I'm eagerly expecting reviews for the new chapter (I'm kind of scared lol) but I'm looking forward to reading them anyway and I'll try to respond in a timely manner this time around 

[Anagnos]

Okay, to start this off it is good to see that your long hiatus due to exams is finally over and you've certainly made up for lost time quite fine. I hate to be that guy, but there's a lot we need to go through with this new chapter and not all of it is positive. For politeness sake, I shall go over the good things first and then move to the things I found to be lacking. I would like to add that there's no need to take any of this personally. These are just my honest opinions I wished to voice.

You warned that this chapter would be considerably darker than its predecessors and I don't think you were wrong in that assumption. While the insipid part roughly halfway through the conversation between Nishir and Takari relating to dialogue and narration could have been cut short in creating this dark atmosphere, I believe you've created a fine example of how a person may feel when they've lost everything dear to them. This, of course, comes as a shock to Nishir, but we as readers would have been expecting something bad to happen sooner or later. I have to admit that some of the things Takari said, mainly about how cruel the world they live in truly is, are rather valid points about the circle of life and you hardly can blame her for feeling this way, which only adds in to the realism. However, she was essentially very selfish here, not even considering to stop and ask what Nishir feels about it all, but this all plays into her state of the mind being in shambles.

Time for the less positive things. I know this may sound a bit rude, but I honestly could not find a better way to voice these feelings without sounding at least little bit captious. You've been reminded that some of the paragraphs have been way too big and I hate to bring this problem up again, but I would suggest you use three to eight sentences in a paragraph. This might feel like a relatively small problem but I like to believe that less is more. It is likely because you haven't written fiction in a while, but I feel like there's a considerable gap where the quality has dropped down little from the previous chapter. The best way I can try to explain this is that it feels like you overcomplicate it by making the chapter as long as possible, relating to my previous point about how less is more.

Once again, these criticisms are not to be taken personally. I'm merely trying to point out in where you can improve on. If at any point you feel like I've overstepped my boundaries, then please excuse me. You're more than welcome to contact me so we can hash it out if you have any questions. All in all, I'm happy to see that you've returned to writing fanfiction and while we've been dealt a cliffhanger to keep us in suspense until the next chapter, there are some things I look forward to exploring more, particularly how Greenie's past is going to affect the story. The characters have been pushed to the breaking point, but their road of misfortunes likely isn't over yet.