The Gang of Five
The Land Before Time => LBT Fanfiction => Topic started by: The Chronicler on August 28, 2010, 02:00:12 PM
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Here it is, everyone. I have now started the sequel to my first fanfic, Quest for the Energy Stones. Due to the fact that I'm now in college, updates will quite possibly be slower than my previous story. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this story as much as you did the previous one. Here it is.
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Quest for the Mask of Life
Prologue
For two universes, both of them very different from each other, a day that would have seemed like any other turned into one that neither would ever forget. After a very mysterious event, a group of beings from one universe, the Matoran, were suddenly sent to another universe and to the home of a group of creatures called the dinosaurs.
At first, these two groups, both of them very strange in the eyes of the other, struggled to coexist. That quickly changed when an adventurous Matoran, Takua, befriended seven young dinosaurs: Littlefoot the Longneck, Cera the Threehorn, Ducky the Swimmer, Petrie the Flyer, Spike the Spiketail, Chomper the Sharptooth, and Ruby the Fast-Runner. They showed that the two groups could peacefully coexist, and for some time it seemed it would always be true.
Their peace was short-lived, however. Soon after the Matoran had arrived, it was discovered that the greatest threat to the Matoran, Makuta, had followed them and now threatened to take control of the dinosaur universe. Takua and his dinosaur friends were determined to stop Makuta, so they set out in hopes of finding anything that could help them. They eventually found the solution to their problem: the Stones of Elemental Energy. By collecting these stones, they would be able to stop Makuta and send him back to his universe.
Takua and his dinosaur friends, along with some assistance from a few other Matoran, traveled to some of the harshest places in the dinosaur universe to find each of the seven Energy Stones. From atop the coldest peaks to deep within the hottest volcanoes, from the rough sea to the bleak desert, from atop the tallest trees to deep underground, whatever the challenges, the group of friends succeeded, despite Makuta's attempts to stop them.
Once the seven Energy Stones were found, the gang of seven young dinosaurs descended into Makuta's lair and, using those stones, successfully defeated Makuta and sent him back to the universe he came from. The celebration would not last long, as the Matoran discovered that they would soon return to their universe. Takua and his new friends were saddened that they would be separated. Ultimately, they knew it was for the best. Takua went home with the rest of the Matoran while the gang stayed in their home in the dinosaur universe. As a parting gift, Takua left behind the Energy Stones for his friends to keep.
One year after these events had passed, a day that would seem like any other would once again become one that neither universe would ever forget. Once again the Energy Stones would be used, and once again the two universes would meet each other. Only this time, a group of dinosaurs would be sent to the Matoran universe.
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What do you think, so far? I'll try to work on this story whenever I have the time for it, but I can assure you that this is something I really enjoy working on and I hope it turns out great. Read and review, as always.
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Looks good so far. :yes A nice, brief but explanatory summary of the first story that sets up the new one without giving anything away except that the gang will be traveling to the Matoran universe.
I did notice a couple of potential errors:
Soon after the Matoran had arrived, * the greatest threat to their peace, Makuta, had followed the Matoran and now threatened to take control of the dinosaur universe.
For this sentence to make grammatical sense, you could do either one of the following:
ï Insert something like "it was learned that" or "it was discovered that" at the asterisk (*), and change "the Matoran" to "them".
ï Remove the text preceding the asterisk, and change "their" to "the Matoran's" or "the Matoran and their"
Also, the following two lines are so similar that they feel repetitive:
For two universes, both of them very different from each other, a day that would have seemed like any other turned into one that neither would ever forget.
One year after these events had passed, a day that would seem like any other would once again become one that neither universe would ever forget.
Perhaps you could mix things up a bit by changing "a day that would (have) seem(ed) like any other" to "a day that was at first ordinary", "a day that started off ordinary", or "a day that at first seemed normal" (though admittedly, none of these sound quite as good as what you already have).
Also, maybe you could change "would have seemed" to "at first seemed" or "started out" or "began" (This may also be more grammatically correct given the tense of the sentence).
By the way, are you going to be posting these installments on FF.net at the same times you post them on the GOF, or are you going to be waiting for my reviews first before you post them on FF.net?
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I know it can be frustrating to put a lot of work into fanfiction stories only to have very few people actually review them, so I think I'll take a more direct role in reviewing this next installment.
Storywise the summary is well-written and coherant. Even for one such as me who has never been interested in Bionicle it appears easy to follow.
Caustizer
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Thanks for replying, Caustizer. Pangaea, I will be waiting until after your reviews to post each chapter on fanfiction.net, but I'm not going to do that with these first chapters immediately. I was thinking of waiting one more month before I start uploading there. Regardless, I decided to edit the prologue yesterday based on your comments. Also, I've just finished the next chapter.
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Chapter 1
Another Mysterious Event
It was early in the afternoon in the Great Valley. Littlefoot and his friends had already finished their lunch and were now playing toss-the-seed. Littlefoot, Petrie, Chomper, and Ruby were on one team, while Cera, Ducky, and Spike were on the other. Despite Chomper and Petrie making frequent mistakes, the score was fairly even at first. Then Ruby came up with a strategy that involved passing the seed back and forth over a long distance. Working with Littlefoot, she managed to quickly score a lot of goals. By the end of the game, Ruby's team had won with twice as many goals as Cera's team.
“Yay! We won!” exclaimed Chomper, jumping around in excitement.
“That was a great strategy, Ruby,” said Littlefoot.
“Thank you, Littlefoot,” replied Ruby.
“I can't believe we lost!” exclaimed Cera in disappointment.
“It is okay, Cera,” assured Ducky. “You can not always win every game. No, no, no.”
“If only Takua was still here. He could have been on our team and helped us win.”
Ducky sighed at the mention of Takua's name. “I do miss Takua a lot. I do, I do.”
“Me miss him too,” added Petrie.
Spike nodded in agreement.
“I'm sure that Takua misses us as much as we miss him,” said Ruby.
“Yeah, I really miss him a lot,” said Littlefoot, sadly. He had felt closer to Takua than any of his friends did for a number of reasons. Littlefoot then started walking away.
“Where are you going?” asked Cera.
“I'm going to the Energy Stone Rock,” replied Littlefoot. “I always like to go there whenever I think about Takua and the Matoran.”
“Then we'll go with you,” said Ruby. “After all, we're your friends, and friends should always stick together because that's what friends are for.”
“Thanks guys.” Littlefoot and his friends then headed to their destination.
The Energy Stone Rock was the name the gang had given to the stone carving that now held the Energy Stones. It had been nearly a year since the gang had used the Energy Stones, but the memories of those events were still fresh in their minds.
As soon as they arrived at the Energy Stone Rock, they noticed something was different. The glowing light from each of the Energy Stones had always been constant. This time, the light dimmed and brightened in a cycle that repeated itself about once every second. The gang was very confused. They had no idea if this meant anything for them.
“What's happening to the Energy Stones?” asked Chomper.
“I don't know,” replied Littlefoot.
Curious, each of the seven friends cautiously approached the Energy Stone each of them had used. They had no idea what to expect, but they all figured that if they wanted to understand more about what was going on, they should check the Energy Stones that each of them were most familiar with.
Once everyone got close enough to get a good look at their Energy Stones, something suddenly happened. Beams of energy shot out from the Energy Stones and directly at the ones who had last used them. The intense feeling was something that none of the gang had ever felt before. They could do nothing but scream as they felt the elemental energies from within the stones surge into their bodies. It lasted only a few seconds but when it was over, the seven friends all lay unconscious, overwhelmed by the intense energies.
None of them had any idea what had just happened to them, or where they were about to go.
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Read and review, as always. Just a reminder, there will be many chapters in this fanfic which have events taken from many of the Bionicle books I have, but I promise to try to fit in as much original material as I can. I'll make sure to let you know which chapters have less original material than others.
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I hope my memory improves by the time you’re into the cycle of posting chapters on the GOF and FF.net, because it seems I keep forgetting everything these days. :rolleyes
I was surprised by how short this first chapter was. I was expecting that there would be more of a buildup to the gang’s departure to the Matoran universe. Not that it’s a bad thing that there isn’t; like the first story, this one wastes no time in transporting its characters to the other universe. You also do a good job of giving all of the characters lines in this chapter, and the description of how the Energy Stones (presumably) start transporting the gang is quite well done.
It feels like there’s a bit of an absence of detail in the first paragraph, as you don’t describe Ruby’s strategy for winning the game. Also, Littlefoot’s line about how he misses Takua sounds like a repetition of Ducky and Petrie’s previous lines. Perhaps you could have Littlefoot simply utter a distant “yeah” of agreement, then start heading for the Energy Stone Rock.
The glowing light from each of the Energy Stones had always been constant and continuous.
”Constant” and “continuous” mean the same thing, so it’s redundant to have both.
“I'm going to the Energy Stone Rock.” replied Littlefoot.
Period should be a comma.
This time, the light dimmed and brightened in a cycle that seemed to last about once every second.
I think it’s grammatically incorrect to describe a cycle as “lasting once every second”. I’d suggest changing it to “seemed to repeat itself about once every second” or “repeated itself about once every second”.
Curious, each of the seven friends cautiously approached the Energy Stone each of them had used. They had no idea what to expect, but they all figured that if they wanted to understand more about what was going on, they should check the Energy Stone that each of them was most familiar with.
“Stone” should be plural and “was” should be “were”.
Once everyone got close enough to their Energy Stones, something suddenly happened.
“Close enough” sort of implies that the gang know that something is going to happen. I think you should word this differently, or specify what they are close enough for (Close enough to get a good look at the stones?).
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Good chapter. A bit short, but then that makes it much easier to review. I agree with Pangaea about the lack of detail in mentioning what Ruby's strategy was, as that is the same as saying 'Littlefoot defeated Red Claw' without going into enough detail to make it understandable. The dialogue between characters flows pretty good, and a lot of the exchanges made are in character and coherant with events happening.
Might want to make sure you add a few more lines of prose and setting description though, so things don't seem like they are moving too fast. :angel
Caustizer
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Sorry for taking so long. Not only have I needed to focus on college work, but also this chapter is much longer than the previous ones. Hopefully, it'll be worth the wait.
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Chapter 2
New Matoran and a New Island
Littlefoot was the first one to awaken. As soon as he opened his eyes and saw the barren, rocky landscape, he realized that he wasn't in the Great Valley anymore. He lifted his head and looked around. He noticed that all six of his friends were still with him, but the Energy Stones were nowhere to be found.
The others soon woke up and were just as surprised as Littlefoot when they saw their new surroundings.
“Where are we?” asked Chomper.
“How should I know?” replied Cera, irritatedly.
“Whatever this place is, it doesn't look like it's a safe place,” said Ruby, noticing the volcano that appeared to dominate the landscape.
“Me hope nothing evil-bad live here,” said Petrie, very nervously.
“I hope so too, Petrie. I do, I do,” added Ducky.
Spike looked around and sighed sadly when he noticed there were absolutely no plants to be found.
“So what do we do now?” asked Littlefoot.
“I think we should try to find a better place to stay since this particular place doesn't look like a good place to stay,” suggested Ruby.
“Good idea, Ruby, but which way should we go?” asked Chomper.
Cera was about to say something when she noticed something peeking out from behind a large rock. As soon as she tried to look more closely at it, the figure quickly ducked behind the rock. There was now no doubt in her mind that someone was watching them.
“Quiet!” exclaimed Cera. “I think I saw someone behind that rock,” she added more quietly. She then slowly and silently approached the rock. She then stopped as soon as she arrived at the rock. She waited a few seconds, then ran behind the rock and pounced on the hiding figure.
“Ah! Don't hurt me!” exclaimed the stranger.
Cera finally got a better look at what the stranger was. He was bio-mechanical, had green and gray armor, and wore a green mask, the shape of which was unfamiliar to her. The stranger also held a pair of tools that resembled clawed hands. Knowing exactly what the stranger was, Cera walked away and went back to her friends. “It's just a Le-Matoran, nothing important about it,” she said, annoyingly.
“Oh, okay,” said Chomper, relived that it wasn't anything dangerous.
About a second later, everyone realized that Cera's discovery was far more important than they had first thought. “Le-Matoran!?” they all asked each other at once.
At this, the Le-Matoran decided to stop hiding behind the rock and began to run away as quickly as he could.
“Wait! Come back!” shouted Littlefoot as he began to chase the Le-Matoran. His friends quickly followed.
The terrain might have had many rocky obstacles, but the Matoran was easily able to avoid them. The gang tried to keep up with him, but it wasn't long until they lost sight of him.
“Which way did he go?” asked Ducky.
Chomper began sniffing the air. He remembered that Matoran had quite an unusual scent compared to the ones he was familiar with. This allowed him to quickly pick up the Matoran's trail. “That way!” he exclaimed, pointing to his right.
The gang then resumed their chase. However, it didn't last long when Littlefoot suddenly came to a stop. Everyone quickly noticed this and stopped running. They then walked back to him and looked in the same direction he was looking.
Hiding behind another large rock was the Le-Matoran, but he was facing away from them.
Littlefoot quietly walked up to the Matoran and said, “Uh, excuse me?”
The Le-Matoran jumped in surprise and looked back to see the strange creatures that had been chasing him were now standing right behind him.
“Relax, we're not going to hurt you,” assured Littlefoot.
“Who... who are you?” asked the nervous Le-Matoran.
“I'm Littlefoot, and these are my friends: Cera, Petrie, Ducky, Spike, Chomper, and Ruby. We're dinosaurs and we came from another universe.”
“Another universe? How do you know that?”
“We've met other Matoran before. They came to our universe not too long ago.”
“And don't bother asking us how we got here,” added Cera. “We just got here and would like an answer to that question, too.”
The Le-Matoran felt particularly nervous when Cera spoke. “Okay... how can be sure that you won't harm me?”
“We were very close friends with those Matoran I mentioned,” replied Littlefoot. “I can assure you that if you ever have any problems, we will do whatever we can to help you.”
Strangely, the Le-Matoran's expression changed from one of nervousness to one of sadness. “I don't see how you can solve our problems,” he said, quietly.
“What are you talking about?” asked Cera, who refused to believe that she and her friends couldn't solve whatever problems these Matoran might be facing.
“I better take you to my friend, Garan. He'll be able to explain everything to you.” The Le-Matoran then turned around and began walking. The gang decided to follow him.
After a few seconds, Ducky asked, “So what is your name?”
“I'm Piruk,” replied the Le-Matoran.
“What were you doing out here?” asked Chomper.
“Uh...searching for water. It's getting very scarce here on Voya Nui.”
“Voya Nui?” asked Ruby. “Is that where we are? I don't remember hearing about a place like this.”
“I'm not surprised. This island has been isolated from the rest of the Matoran universe for the last one thousand years.”
That time frame got everyone's attention. The memories of the Matoran of Mata Nui went back only that far, but the Turaga mentioned remembering much more before that time. It was also the time when Makuta began his attacks of the Matoran.
Curious, Littlefoot asked, “What happened one thousand years ago?”
“Voya Nui used to be a part of a much larger continent,” replied Piruk. “One thousand years ago, there was a massive earthquake and this island was ripped off from the continent. It's been floating in the ocean ever since.”
“Yeah right, how do you expect me to believe that?” asked Cera, rhetorically. “An earthquake big enough to rip an island off the mainland?”
“It did happen! We all saw it happen! Many lives were lost that day, including our only Turaga.”
The gang fell silent at this revelation. Not only had these Matoran seen an event that must have been truly horrific, but were also forced spend the last thousand years without any Turaga. To the gang, it was a miracle these Matoran were even still alive.
A few minutes later, the group arrived at a village.
“How many villages are there on this island?” asked Littlefoot.
“This is the only one,” replied Piruk. To the gang, this was further proof of how difficult life had been for these Matoran.
Not long after entering the village, Piruk called to a nearby Onu-Matoran, “Hey, Garan!”
The Onu-Matoran, Garan, turned around and approached the group. He had black and gray armor and wore a black mask, the shape of which was also unfamiliar to the gang. He carried a pair of tools that were also unfamiliar to them.
“I found these... creatures out in the desert,” said Piruk. “They say they just came from another universe, although they don't know how it happened. Since you're not busy today, I figured it would be best to have you explain everything to them.”
“Don't worry, Piruk,” replied Garan. “I can do that for you.”
“Thank you. Now I need to get back to work before anyone finds out I was gone.” Before the gang could question Piruk, he quickly ran off.
“Why is he in such a hurry?” asked Cera.
“I think it will make sense once I've explained everything,” replied Garan. “Now, how much did Piruk tell you guys?”
“We only know that this is the only village on this island called Voya Nui and that your only Turaga was killed when this island got ripped away from the mainland by a big earthquake a thousand years ago,” replied Littlefoot.
“That's all true. Life has been quite harsh here on Voya Nui, but we've manage to survive. However, it's changed quite a lot in the last few days, and I'm not sure if it's for better or for worse.”
“What happened?” asked Petrie.
“A few strangers arrived, calling themselves Toa.”
The gang immediately remembered hearing about the Toa who, at the time, had yet to arrive at the island of Mata Nui. However, those Toa were the only ones they had ever heard of, so they were slightly confused.
“Toa?” asked Littlefoot. “You mean Tahu, Gali, Lewa, Kopaka, Pohatu, and Onua?”
“I have never heard of those Toa before,” replied Garan, “but I do know there are many more than those six in our universe.”
“There's more than six Toa?” asked Chomper, surprised at what he just heard.
“If the Toa we heard of are not the Toa who came here, then who are the Toa who came here?” asked Ruby.
“Their names are Zaktan, Hakann, Vezok, Avak, Reidak, and Thok,” replied Garan. “Unfortunately, nobody here on Voya Nui has ever seen a Toa before, so we have no idea if they really are Toa. To be honest with you, I'm starting to doubt if they really are Toa.”
“What do you mean they might not be Toa?” asked Ducky.
“Basically, they have been changing the island to their liking with the help of the Matoran. Dalu and Kazi, two of my friends, are leading two teams of Matoran to drill holes in the side of the volcano to allow the lava to flow out. Piruk and Balta, also my friends, are overseeing teams assigned to dig vast pits to collect the lava.”
“Wait, these Toa are making you do all of this?” asked Cera.
“Yes, strange as it may sound. I'm sure you're just as confused as I am on why they're making us do these tasks. The strangest project of all is the one that my friend Velika and his team is working on. They have been put to work building a massive structure in the center of the island under the supervision of Avak. We have all been informed that, once it is complete, no Matoran will ever be allowed to enter.”
“That doesn't make any sense,” said Ruby. “Why would they have the Matoran build something that they will never be allowed to see?”
“I'm sure he doesn't know the answer to that question, either,” replied Littlefoot. “What about all of the problems you had before they arrived? Have the Toa done anything about them?”
“They have done nothing about the drought or protecting us from dangerous Rahi,” replied Garan. “They have either ignored requests or postponed dealing with them indefinitely. Although they haven't harmed us yet, they don't seem to have any patience for slow or clumsy workers. Some of them, like Zaktan, seem to want to avoid us as much as possible.”
Garan sighed and looked off into the distance in another direction. “This is not how Toa should behave,” he muttered.
“And you, of course, are an expert on that.”
Everyone jumped and turned around to see the source of that voice. The first thing the gang saw was clawed feet and long, muscular legs. They then turned their gaze up the crimson-armored figure, who clearly appeared to be a strong and lean figure. His back, neck, and upper arms were lined with spikes. Strangest of all was the face, with eyes that glowed red and a smile that reminded them of a Sharptooth's grin before it bit down on its prey.
“You have seen Toa in a crisis before,” continued the red-armored figure. “You know just how they should handle matters.”
“No, that's not what I ó” Garan quickly said, but he was grabbed by the throat and lifted into the air by the figure, much to the gang's shock and horror.
“Why don't you do your job, Matoran, and let us do ours? Hmmmm?” The red-armored figure didn't give Garan a chance to reply by gently placing him on his shoulder. None of the gang, not even Cera, dared to say anything, fearing what the figure would say or do in response.
“Now, over there, we will build the temple,” said the crimson-armored figure as he pointed towards a rocky peak. “I think that will be just about perfect.”
Littlefoot looked at the area the red-armored figure was pointing at. He saw a thick bed of flowering plants that had somehow managed to survive the hostile terrain and thrive. Although he and his friends would see this as a good sign, he feared that whatever the figure would say or do next would be anything but positive for that place.
“Of course, we will have to be rid of all that shrubbery,” said the crimson-armored figure. His eyes glowed a bright red and twin red bolts of energy shot from them and at the plant life, setting it ablaze. The gang was devastated at what they had just seen.
“Now it is ready for the temple,” announced the crimson-armored figure with satisfaction.
“A temple?” asked Garan. “A temple dedicated to what?”
“To the three things that matter most in my life. The three things I consider first before taking any action.”
Garan thought for a second. He then guessed, “Unity, duty, and destiny?” The gang quickly remembered that those were the three virtues that all Matoran lived by.
The crimson-armored figure simply laughed and said, “No, no. Me, myself, and I.” He then set Garan back down on the ground. “Now why don't you run along and get back to work?” He then glanced at Littlefoot and his friends and added, “And make sure your new pets stay out of my way. Otherwise, I'll have to deal with them myself.”
The gang stared at him nervously as he walked off. They were still speechless at what they had just seen and heard.
Garan walked back to Littlefoot and his friends. “That was Hakann, one the six Toa who had recently arrived,” he said.
The gang was shocked to hear this. “He is a... Toa?” asked Chomper.
Garan nodded.
“I can see why you are starting to doubt that he might be a Toa,” said Ruby. “I find it hard to believe that someone who looks like that, talks like that, and acts like would be a Toa, and I've heard that Toa are supposed to be heroes.”
“But he did say he was a Toa,” stated Ducky. “He did, he did.”
Spike nodded in agreement.
“I don't think he's a Toa at all,” stated Cera with determination.
“Why you think that?” asked Petrie.
“He looks like a Sharptooth!” Cera then turned to Chomper and added, “No offense.”
“None taken,” replied Chomper.
Littlefoot wasn't sure what to think of Hakann. After all, the Matoran of Voya Nui had never seen a Toa before, and neither had he or his friends. That meant that none of them could say for sure if these “Toa” really were Toa.
“Anyway, we should get you guys to a safe place,” said Garan. “Balta tells me he's seen Hakann do terrible things to Rahi on this island, and I don't want the same things happening to you.”
The gang didn't hesitate to agree with him. They followed him as he led them towards one of the highest peaks on the island.
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Read and review, as always. Like my previous story, I'll also show you images of each Bionicle character that appears in this story, but unlike last time, I'll show them to you as each character is introduced, so here are the ones that appeared in this chapter:
Piruk (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/a/ad/Piruk.PNG)
Garan (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/1/17/Garan.PNG)
Hakann (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/d/db/Hakann.png)
Also, to help Pangaea with pointing out errors and such, I'll also quote the exact text from my Bionicle books that I borrowed to use in each chapter. (If it takes up too much space, don't worry, it'll be gone once I've edited the chapter.)
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My turn to apologize for not responding with a review right away. :bang
This was a pretty well done chapter, I thought. All of the lines that were borrowed from the books seemed acceptable to me (it helped that most of it was changed slightly from the original text). And the pictures of the Bionicle characters are very helpful. :yes
One thing that I thought was strange was that there was no real moment of realization among the gang that they had been transported to the Matoran universe; they only expressed surprise that they had seen a Matoran.
By the way, even though you described all of the Matoran races in detail in the last story, it might be helpful to readers if you briefly mentioned the characteristics that distinguished each race; for example, that the Le-Matoran are the typically tree-dwelling Matoran whose element is air.
I see that Petrie’s still using Tree-Speak. :lol Speaking of which, I’m assuming that Piruk doesn’t use Tree-Speak because the Le-Matoran on Voya Nui have been separated from the mainland for so long, and cohabitate with other kinds of Matoran, so a dialect that is meant to confuse enemies would only be a hindrance to communication.
I’m rather surprised that Cera was so incredulous of Piruk’s statement that an earthquake separated Voya Nui from the mainland, given the gang’s firsthand experiences with the power of earthquakes in the first, fifth, and ninth movies.
I loved the exchange following Cera’s comment that Hakann looked like a sharptooth. :lol
At this point in the story (lacking extensive knowledge of the Bionicle storyline), I find myself agreeing with Ruby and Cera that Hakann and his companions are false Toa. Hakann came across as quite scary, not to mention self-centered. And like the gang, I certainly did not appreciate his disregard for plant life. Seems to me that they’re taking advantage of the Matoran. I’m interested to find out what it is that they’re up to.
About a second later, everyone realized that Cera's discovery was far more important than they * first thought.
*Insert “had”.
He had black and gray armor and wore a black mask, the shape of which was also unfamiliar to the gang. He also carried a pair of tools that were also unfamiliar to them.
There are a total of three “also”s in these two sentences. I’d suggest removing the second one at least.
“Basically, they have been changing the island into their liking with the help of the Matoran. Dalu and Kazi, two of my friends, are leading two teams of Matoran to drill holes in the side of the volcano to allow the lava to flow out. Piruk and Balta, also my friends, are overseeing teams assigned to dig vast pits to collect the lava.”
”Into” should probably be just “to”.
Littlefoot looked at the area the red-armored figure was pointing at. He saw a thick bed of flowering plants that * somehow managed to survive the hostile terrain and thrive.
*Insert “had”.
The gang was devastated at what they just saw.
Should be “had just seen”.
“Now why don't you run along and get back to work.”
This should end in a question mark.
Littlefoot wasn't sure what to think of Hakann. After all, the Matoran of Voya Nui had never seen a Toa before, and neither had he and his friends. That meant * none of them could say for sure if these “Toa” really were Toa.
”And” should be “or”.
*Insert “that”.
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I like all the nice touches you have put into the story to make it flow well, and be more appealing to first time readers. Including the pictures of the characters really helps those of us with a limited sense of imagination or a lack of knowledge about Bionicle.
I didn't really know what to expect when I noted that the gang had arrived on the new island but I know that I was looking for cliches, things that didn't make sense, and character misinterpretations to put in my review but you did not let me down at all.
Having a Toa show up (or at least one that claims to be a Toa) and have him be accentric enough to completely ignore the gang was an interesting development, and I like how your dialogue flows and how concepts that are a bit fuzzy explain themselves as you go along.
It's a shame there aren't more people reading this, but unforunately the fandoms of LBT and Bionicle are a whole genre apart so one in the know about both is pretty rare on these forums. If I were writing this, I would treat that as a point of pride. :angel
Caustizer
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Thanks for the reviews. It's nice to see that you like what I'm writing, despite the fact that I'm copying text from the Bionicle storyline. Here's the next chapter.
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Chapter 3
Are They Toa?
As Littlefoot and his friends followed Garan up the slope of a peak, Garan decided to tell them more about the “Toa” who had recently arrived. Hakann, the one they had already met, was the “Toa” of Fire, who had heat vision and carried a weapon ó which he hadn't had with him when the gang had seen him ó that could launch balls of lava. Vezok was the “Toa” of Water, who could fragment something or knock over someone by staring at them hard enough, and carried a weapon that had a harpoon on one end and a buzzsaw on the other end. Avak was the “Toa” of Stone, who was somehow capable of trapping anyone in some kind of prison that appeared out of thin air and carried a weapon that was some combination of a pickaxe and a jackhammer. Reidak was the “Toa” of Earth, who was surprisingly resistant to any kind of attack and carried a weapon that had a buzzsaw on one end and a drill on the other. Thok was the “Toa” of Ice, who was able to bring inanimate objects like rocks and plants to life and carried a weapon that had an ice peg on one end. Zaktan, the most unusual one of all, was the “Toa” of Air, who carried a three-bladed weapon and whose body appeared to be made of many tiny creatures instead of a solid mass. Despite calling themselves Toa, they seemed to not have any elemental powers. Garan explained everything he knew of about these “Toa”. If they had any other powers, he wasn't aware of them.
Eventually, the group reached the top of the peak. Garan had already explained to them that he wanted to show them the entire island before taking them to the cave they would stay at.
“You were right, Garan, right you were,” said Ruby. “You can see the whole island from up here.”
Everyone looked around at the incredible view. They could see that much of the island was a desert with mountains. Surrounding the desert was a ring of plant life, known to the Matoran as the Green Belt, and surrounding that was the icy outer coast. Further into the distance, they could see a large bay, which had a regular sandy coastline, with two long peninsulas on either side of it. At the middle of the island was the large volcano that was known as Mount Valmai.
“This is amazing!” exclaimed Ducky in awe at the view. “It is, it is!”
“Me like this place,” agreed Petrie.
Spike nodded his head in agreement.
“Hey! I think I can see the village from here!” exclaimed Chomper, pointing out a barely recognizable location within the Green Belt.
Littlefoot enjoyed the view as much as his friends did. He turned back to look at Garan. However, he could tell that something was troubling Garan. “Garan?” he asked. “What's wrong?”
“It's the Toa,” replied Garan. “The more time passes by, the more I begin to doubt them. After our recent encounter with Hakann, I fear we may need help to save us from the Toa.”
In his thoughts, Littlefoot couldn't help but agree with what Garan said. These “Toa” were powerful, but they hadn't used their powers for any good purposes so far. The best hope, it seemed, was for a team of truly heroic Toa to arrive, but what were the odds of that happening?
“Look!” exclaimed Ducky. “There is a Ga-Matoran coming up the mountain! There is, there is!”
Littlefoot snapped out of his thoughts and looked down the side of the peak with his friends. They could see a Ga-Matoran, who carried a pair of tools that were different from what Garan held, climbing up the peak towards them.
“It's Dalu,” said Garan, worriedly. “I've never seen her look so afraid, especially since she's usually a fierce fighter. That can only mean something is very wrong.”
Dalu soon reached them. “We have to talk,” she said to Garan, not even bothering to acknowledge the presence of Littlefoot and the others. “And I hope it's not already too late.”
Garan turned to the young dinosaurs and said, “We'd better get you guys to the cave as quickly as possible.” The group then began heading down the peak.
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The group eventually reached the bottom of the peak and arrived at the cave Garan had been referring to. “Stay here,” said Garan. “You'll be safer in here than in the village. I'll go with Dalu to see what's wrong.” Garan and Dalu then ran off, deciding not to speak until they were far enough away from the cave so none of the young dinosaurs could hear them.
Back at the cave, the gang was silent for a few minutes. Ever since they had arrived here in the Matoran universe, this was their first opportunity to actually think about everything. True, they seemed to have a new friend in Garan, but that was the only positive they could see at the moment. This was not the island of Mata Nui. Voya Nui was a rather dangerous place to live, even before the “Toa” had arrived. In fact, the only similarity between the two islands was that Matoran lived on them, even if their appearances and lifestyles were very different from each other.
As the gang talked among themselves, they eventually realized that nobody back in the dinosaur universe even knew what had happened to them. They knew that their friends and families back home would, at first, assume they were away on another adventure. But once a few days had passed, it was certain they would get very worried. The gang knew that if they wanted to find a way home, if there was one, they would have to find it fast.
After nearly an hour had passed, the gang saw a small group of Matoran running towards the cave. They could see that group consisted of Garan, Dalu, Piruk, a Ta-Matoran, a Po-Matoran, and a Ko-Matoran. Garan and the Ko-Matoran were carrying something, but they had no idea what it was.
Once the group of Matoran entered the cave, Garan and the Ko-Matoran placed the item they carried on the ground. Dalu then headed for the cave entrance and said, “I'll stand outside and make sure nobody comes and tries to take that thing.”
“Be careful, Dalu,” said the Ta-Matoran.
“Don't worry, Balta. I'll be fine.”
The Ko-Matoran stared at the young dinosaurs for a few seconds. He then said, “So these are so-called ëdinosaurs’ you talked about. I guess you were right when you said that I had to see it to believe it. These beings really are completely organic.”
“Yes, Kazi,” replied Garan. “I still don't know why they came here, but they are more than willing to help us.”
“That's right,” added Littlefoot. “We may not be powerful, but we'll always help our friends, and we consider any Matoran to be our friend.”
“What that?” asked Petrie, pointing at the item on the ground.
“I saw Avak working on this thing,” replied Garan. “I figured it would be a good opportunity to find out a few things about the Toa, so I asked Velika to distract Avak while Kazi and I grabbed it and ran off.”
“Wait a minute, are you saying you stole it!?” exclaimed Cera.
Garan shrugged. “I figured the reasons for taking it were justifiable.”
Balta was inspecting the item, trying to figure out what it was. He then said, “Well, it obviously looks like it's meant to be carried, or perhaps latched onto the arm. I think I also see some kind of launching apparatus, but I don't know what it's supposed to shoot.”
“Okay, so we know what it looks like, but what is it?” asked Kazi.
“I don't think this is for building, or to help us find water,” replied Garan.
“What if they found out we took it?” asked Piruk, nervously.
“What are you so worried about?” asked Cera.
“I don't want to run into Zaktan again. He scares me.”
“Dalu is outside watching the approach to the cave,” assured Balta. “If she sees one of them coming, she will let us know.” He then turned to the Po-Matoran, Velika, and asked, “What do you think?”
“When the Kanohi dragon roars, do not look for the stone rat,” replied Velika.
The young dinosaurs looked at each other in confusion.
“I hate it when he does that,” grumbled Kazi.
“It's obvious,” said Garan. “If you hear one Rahi, don't expect a different one to appear. If the signs all point one way, then don't expect the truth to be something else.”
“Oh, that clears everything up,” said Kazi, sarcastically.
“It's not a tool, not like the kind we use. It's a weapon. The question is: What do they need it for? Who is there here to fight?”
Everyone was silent for a moment before Balta quietly said, “Us?”
“But... but they are Toa!” exclaimed Piruk.
“Are they?” asked Garan, “I'm not so sure. Not sure at all.”
“I do not know what to think. No, no, no,” said Ducky, worriedly.
“It seems that every sign we see is another sign that tells us they might not be real Toa,” commented Ruby.
“I'm telling you guys, they are not Toa!” exclaimed Cera.
“So what do we do?” asked Kazi. “We're Matoran, and a few small dinosaurs. They're Toó whatever it is they are. Vezok bites boulders in half for fun. Hakann keeps turning Rahi into piles of ash. Reidak slipped and fell 200 bio, smashed into the ice ring headfirst, and all it did was make him irritable. I can't say I like our chances.”
Garan nodded and said, “Maybe not, but we need to know what's going on here. We need someone to get close to that stronghold they made us build. Avak and Vezok have been moving equipment in there for days. Someone has to go in there, someone they won't look twice at...”
Almost immediately, five of the Matoran turned and looked at the sixth one: Piruk. The gang also looked at him, quickly realizing what the others were suggesting.
Piruk was also quick to realize what was being suggested. “Me!?” he asked. “Uh-uh, no way, I am not doing it, no way at all!”
“But you must,” insisted Garan. “Believe me, if there were any other Matoran who were just as skilled as you in stealth, I would ask them instead of you.”
“I'm still not gonna do it. What you're asking me to do is nearly suicidal!”
“For a normal Matoran, yes. But I know you can do this. You must understand how much we now depend on you.”
Piruk looked down at his feet. “I don't know.”
“We need to know for sure if these Toa really are Toa,” said Littlefoot. “If what Garan thinks is true, you may be the only one who can prove it.”
“Do it for us. Please?” asked Ducky.
Piruk looked at Ducky. Try as he might, he just couldn't resist the pleading face of someone so small and young. He sighed and said, “All right, I'll do it. But I'm not gonna like it.”
“That'll do, Piruk. That'll do,” said Garan. He turned to Balta and said, “Find Dalu and tell her the meeting is over. We'll be heading back to the village.”
Balta nodded and ran off out of the cave.
“What about us?” asked Littlefoot. “What can we do?”
“I honestly don't know,” replied Garan. “I think it's best that you guys stay hidden. The other Matoran already have one group of newcomers to worry about, even though we know that you're not a threat in any way.”
“That's okay, we understand,” said Chomper.
Balta soon came running back into the cave with a very worried look on his face. “You'd all better come,” he said. “I've never seen her this bad.”
Everyone quickly followed Balta out of the cave. They soon arrived at where Dalu had been standing guard. She was down on the ground, unconscious.
“What happened to her?” asked Ruby with concern.
“She must have used her tools too many times,” replied Balta. “Every time she uses them, they drain her energy. She must have had a very good reason to go to such great lengths.”
Garan could easily guess what that reason was. “I think the Toa know about us,” he said. “Piruk, you'd better start your job immediately.”
Piruk hesitated for second, but nodded in agreement and headed for the stronghold.
Garan looked down at Dalu in concern. “We can't take her with us. Some of us will have to stay here and watch over her.”
“I volunteer,” Balta quickly said.
“I understand your concern, but I'll need you to come with me for something else.”
“I'm not sure about that.”
“Don't worry, she'll be all right here with Velika and Kazi.” Garan then turned to the young dinosaurs. “If any of you want to come with me and Balta, we won't stop you.”
“I'll go with you,” declared Cera. “If you're going to find something that will prove those guys are not Toa, then I want to see it myself.”
“I'll go, too,” said Littlefoot. He turned to the rest of his friends. “The rest of you stay here. I think it's best that only two of us go with them.”
“That is a good idea, Littlefoot. A good idea that is,” said Ruby.
Ducky, Petrie, and Spike nodded in agreement.
“Good luck, you guys,” said Chomper, waving goodbye as the two Matoran and two young dinosaurs left.
After walking a few steps, Littlefoot asked, “So where are we going?”
“We're going to where the other Matoran are digging channels for the lava,” replied Garan. “There's often one or two of the Toa overseeing progress there, so we'll have to hide somewhere up high, and I know just the place.”
“What do you expect to find there?”
“I don't know. I have a feeling they don't want us to think they're not Toa, so they might try to do something to convince the Matoran otherwise. A lot of Matoran are currently working on the lava channels, so we should start there.”
“Good enough for me,” said Cera. “As long as we can prove for sure that they're not Toa, I'll be glad I came with you.”
Littlefoot sighed and said, “You might be right, Cera, but how can we prove it to everyone else?”
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Read and review, as always.
Here are the images of the characters (and location) first seen in this chapter:
Voya Nui (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/2/24/Voya_Nui.PNG)
Dalu (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/0/03/Dalu.PNG)
Balta (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/6/6e/Balta.PNG)
Kazi (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/0/04/Kazi.png)
Velika (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/4/40/Velika.png)
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I liked the mystery elements of this chapter, namely, what the supposed “Toa” are up to, the purpose of the weapon the Matoran stole, and what happened to Dalu. I have to say that it makes the plot more interesting compared to Quest for the Energy Stones, in which the gang had a pretty clear and straightforward idea of what they would be doing from early on. (That’s my opinion, anyway; I just like to be surprised. :p)
I noticed as I was reading the first paragraph that none of the so-called “Toa” had any powers relating to their respective elements (before it was noted in the story), which reinforced my suspicions that they were frauds.
Another thing I observed is that, in contrast to the Matoran in your last story, the Voya Nui Matoran have taken no apparent note of the fact that the gang are entirely organic creatures.
Are “bios” a real unit of measurement in the Bionicle universe?
I loved the part where Ducky convinced Piruk to agree to investigate the stronghold. Evidently even Matoran can’t resist her “begging” face. :lol
Personally, I thought that Littlefoot’s line at the end of the chapter (“For once, Cera, I think you might be right about something”) was a little uncharacteristic of him. There have been occasions when Cera has said something that Littlefoot agreed with (though he didn’t always express it vocally): their discussion of the water situation in LBT III, her log-riding idea in LBT V, her decision not to expose the tinysauruses in LBT XI, and her support of Petrie in LBT XII, to name a few notable ones. Coming from him that statement just sounds disrespectful.
Hakann, the one they had already met, was the “Toa” of Fire, who had heat vision and carried a weapon, which he didn't have with him when the gang saw him, that could launch balls of lava.
The highlighted part should probably be framed by either parentheses or em dashes (ó), rather than commas. Also “didn’t have” should be “hadn’t had” and “saw” should be “had seen”.
Avak was the “Toa” of Stone, who was somehow capable of trapping anyone in some kind of prison out of thin air
I don’t know if there is anything grammatically wrong with this sentence, but I think it would make more sense (or at least sound better) if you said “invisible prison”, “prison of thin air”, or “prison made of air”. This, of course, assumes that the prison is literally made of thin air; if it is visible, and simply appears from nowhere, you should say “appeared out of thin air” or something of the like.
They could see a Ga-Matoran, who carried a pair of tools that were different from what Garan held, climbing up the peak towards them.
I’m guessing that what this means is that Dalu has a pair of “clawed hand” tools that resemble Garan’s, but are a different style (like the different types of masks Matoran wear). The description of Garan’s tools in Chapter 1 was a rather minor detail, and I had to backtrack in order to refresh my memory. I think you should “remind” readers of what kinds of tools you’re talking about, because this part of the sentence sounds vague and confusing to readers who don’t remember the description of Garan’s tools.
Garan turned to the young dinosaurs and said, “We better get you guys to the cave as quickly as possible.”
Garan and Dalu then ran off, deciding to not speak until they were far enough away from the cave so none of the young dinosaurs could hear them.
“You all better come,” he said. “I've never seen her this bad.”
“Piruk, you better start your job immediately.”
I suspect that a real grammar stickler would say that “we” should be “we’d” and “you” should be “you’d”, and that in the second quote, the highlighted words should be switched around. Personally I don’t think they matter too much (I don’t know the exact rules regarding prepositions, and it could just be assumed that Haran and Balta’s grammar isn’t perfect :p), but I thought I’d let you know anyway.
As the gang talked among themselves, they eventually realized that nobody back in the dinosaur universe even knew what *happened to them.
Insert “had”.
But after a few days pass, it was certain they would get very worried.
Should be “after a few days had passed” or “once a few days had passed”.
“I'll stand outside and make sure nobody comes and try to take that thing.”
Should be “tries”.
“Well, it obviously looks like it's meant to be carried, or perhaps latched onto the arm. I think I also see some kind of launching apparatus, but I don't see anything with which to shoot.”
I’m aware this is only borrowed text, but it confuses me. Does it mean that the weapon does not seem to have a trigger, or that there is a lack of ammunition? I think you should alter the text to make it more clear what Balta is talking about.
They're To ó whatever it is they are.
I think you should remove the spaces around the em dash (ó), so that it’s obvious at first glance that Kazi is interrupting himself, and that “To” is not a full word on its own.
“Alright, I'll do it. But I'm not gonna like it.”
“Don't worry, she'll be alright here with Velika and Kazi.”
Another not-necessarily-an-error I wanted to comment on: I’ve read that “alright” is not considered a real word, and that it should always be written “all right”. It’s used so frequently, though, that I largely see it as a new word that just hasn’t been officially “accepted” yet. I personally don’t use it, but it probably doesn’t matter if you do.
They soon arrive at where Dalu had been standing guard.
Should be “arrived”.
“I'll go with you,” declared Cera. “I you're going to find something that will prove those guys are not Toa, then I want to see it myself.”
Should be “if” (still capitalized, though).
“There's often one or two of the Toa overseeing progress there, so we'll have * hide somewhere up high, and I know just the place.”
Insert “to”.
“I don't know. I have a feeling they don't want us to think they're not Toa, so they might try to do something to convince the Matoran otherwise. At lot of Matoran are currently working on the lava channels, so we should start there.”
Should be “a”.
Again, I don’t see any problems (other than the writing errors I stated above) with the borrowed text. I like that you converted some of the narrative text into dialogue, and changed other parts to incorporate the gang. Keep up the good work! :yes
P.S. Although it’s going to be at least two weeks late (:slap), you’ll still be getting a star day card from me. That’s a promise. ;)
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I don't know how I feel about using text from another story with your own added in, but I suppose it does fall within the category of fan fiction since after all there are many elements which establish it as your own personal work.
The story is taking a good route with the 'evil overlords rule us, but they could be lying so we must rebel in secret' plot adding a degree of interest since the gang is more like a set of new recruits then strange foriegn guests. As always, the characters are true to form in speech, though some words like 'powerful' and 'Matoran' sound unusual coming out of Littlefoot who usually comes up with simplier descriptions to describe complex things. I would expect something to the effect of perhaps "Mask Friends" to describe their strange new companions.
Overall I think you are putting a good effort into making this an enjoyable story, but remember to not copy the plot literally from bionicle and invent a bit of plot-weaving of your own to keep it original. I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Caustizer.
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Pangaea: I'm glad to see that you like the first few chapters of this story. Yes, a Bio is a unit of measurement in the Bionicle universe, equal to 4.5 feet. I changed it from the original text because it just didn't seem right to have them use human measurements when they already had a system of measurements of their own. Now that I've edited the recent chapter, you might want to reread it to answer a few of your questions, the rest will be answered in the next chapter.
Caustizer: I've read a lot of fanfics (not just LBT or Bionicle) where the majority is virtually an exact copy of the canon storyline, so I'm aware of what to avoid for a story like this. I can assure you that, although I'll continue with the copying of text from my Bionicle books, I'll use only what I feel is necessary for this story. Since this story is almost entirely from the gang's perspective and I'll be adding in a few small twists of my own a few times, I'll occasionally end up skipping entire chapters out of my Bionicle books, so less stuff for me to copy. As for your suggestion, it's far to late for me to use it (I began writing the previous fanfic years ago), but I might keep it in mind for something much later on in this story.
Okay, now that I finally managed to get more free time, I'm already finished the next chapter.
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Chapter 4
Impostors!
As Littlefoot, Cera, Garan, and Balta climbed another rocky peak, Littlefoot could tell something was troubling Balta. “Balta? Are you okay?” asked Littlefoot.
“It's Dalu,” replied Balta. “I'm just worried about her. I know that she'll be safe with Velika and the others, but I would feel better if I were there myself.”
“Don't worry. Like you said, she must have had a very good reason to use her tools enough times to make her pass out.”
“Speaking of which, what's with the tools you guys always seem to carry?” asked Cera. “The Matoran we met never had tools like those.”
“I guess we can tell you about the tools we use,” said Garan. “My tools are Pulse Bolt Generators that, when crossed, fire an energy bolt that grows stronger the farther it travels. Balta's tools are Repellers that, when crossed, can deflect the force of an opponent's attack back at them with equal force. Dalu's tools are Chargers that can increase an attribute, like speed or strength, of a target, although it takes up a lot of energy to use them. Piruk's tools are Shredder Claws that are sharp enough to rip through almost any substance. Velika's tools are Power Carvers that can cut anything, which he often uses to make various tools and inventions. Kazi's tools are Echo Forks that, when slammed together, create a sound wave powerful enough to destroy any object in its path.”
“I've never heard of tools like those before. Where did you get them?”
“I honestly don't know. We've had them for as long as we can remember.”
After climbing over a few more rocks, Garan turned back to the group and said, “This should be a good spot to watch from. We're up high enough so that no one will see us, but not too high up to prevent us from hearing what's going on down below.”
The four of them stood behind some rocks near the edge of a small cliff. They looked down and saw, at the base of the volcano, about two dozen Matoran digging the lava channels.
“How much longer are we going to have to do this?” asked one Matoran.
“Until there's no more lava left?” suggested another. “Or they think of some other silly thing for us to do?”
The Matoran laborers laughed at this comment, but it quickly died down when they heard a rumbling noise from deep within the volcano. They looked at each other in fear, knowing that they wouldn't be able to get away from the volcano in time if an eruption happened right now. Although the noise grew louder, none of the smoke and ash they had expected to see came out.
Then something very unexpected emerged from the volcano. A giant fiery being, more than five times the height of a Matoran, crawled out from within the mouth of the volcano. Its body was made of equal parts stone and lava, with the solid stone continually melting and reforming. It stood atop the volcano and looked down at the Matoran below.
“I wondered when you were going to show up, monster!”
The Matoran turned to see that Hakann had spoken those words. He and the tan-armored “Toa”, Avak, were charging up the slope, ready for battle. The creature opened its mouth and exhaled a jet of flame. Hakann took the full force of the attack, but he was able to easily shrug it off.
“Is that the best you got?” taunted Hakann. He raised his weapon and fired spheres of molten lava at the giant, melting its substance faster than it could recreate it. Angered, the giant raised its fist, intending to slam it on the Matoran.
Avak acted quickly and shoved the Matoran out of the way just before the powerful blow landed. The impact damaged the lava channels, but that didn't matter to anyone at the moment.
“You saved us,” said one Matoran in awe to Avak.
“Don't get used to it,” said Avak.
Hakann continued to charge up the volcano while firing spheres of lava at the giant. Amazingly, the giant appeared to be retreating. Avak joined his partner and used his weapon to tear large chunks of rock from the giant. Howling in pain, the monstrous giant finally withdrew back into the volcano.
The shaken Matoran slowly stood up, fearing the giant would soon come back. After a few seconds of silence, it was clear their fears were unfounded.
“Remember this day, Matoran,” shouted Hakann to the crowd of Matoran. “If it had not been for us ó the Toa of Voya Nui ó you would be nothing but ash now. We ask for no reward for our service, only your loyalty and obedience.”
Avak then whispered something to Hakann.
“In a short time, Toa Zaktan will reveal a new substance that will ease your burdens and erase your worries,” continued Hakann. “This will mark the dawn of a new day on Voya Nui. We hope and expect that you will embrace the greater opportunity we are giving you, and will turn a deaf ear to any who might want to turn you against us. Depend on us! Listen to us! Obey us! And all will be right in your little world!”
A single Matoran began to clap, then a few more. Soon, everyone in the area was cheering.
Everyone, that is, except for the two Matoran and two dinosaurs up on the nearby peek. They had seen everything that had just happened. Littlefoot and Cera had been just as terrified as the Matoran laborers when that giant emerged from within the volcano. As the battle progressed, something didn't seem right to them. That giant was easily beaten, too easily beaten. They weren't sure of what to think until Garan spoke up.
“Nothing like that ever appeared on Voya Nui before our ëguests’ came, and I've never heard of Toa demanding obedience before,” said Garan. “How about you?”
“If what you said is true, then I say it's more evidence they're not Toa,” replied Cera.
“I agree,” said Littlefoot, “but how much more evidence do we need until we can convince everyone of that?”
Balta said nothing, his thoughts still with Dalu.
“They're leaving,” said Garan, pointing at Hakann and Avak. “We should follow.”
The four of them moved over the rocky terrain as quickly as they could. Fortunately, the two “Toa” seemed to be in no hurry. The two of them stopped once they were a good distance from the volcano, unaware they were being watched from atop a nearby cliff.
“You overdid it,” said Avak.
“They needed a grand event,” said Hakann. “I gave them one.”
“Next time, tell me when you are going to make the creature slam its fist down. I almost didn't dodge in time.”
“No one told you to dive underneath it, you imbecile.”
“And if I hadn't, your ëgrand event’ would have played out for dead witnesses. The point was to keep them alive so they could spread the word about their heroes, remember?”
Hakann sighed. “Someday, I will figure out why our elemental powers only work in combination. Oh, lava spheres are alright for their place, but they are nothing compared to what I can do when with another Piraka. Think of what I can do with the power of pure flame at my command.”
As the two began heading back to the stronghold, Avak said, “I have. It keeps me up at night.”
After waiting a minute for them to leave, Garan turned to Littlefoot, Cera, and Balta and said, “It was all a sham. They manufactured a monster and then defeated it to convince us they're Toa.”
“I knew it!” exclaimed Cera. “I knew it all along!”
“Yeah, there's no denying it now,” added Littlefoot. “But if they're not Toa, what are they?”
“Did you hear what Hakann said?” said Balta. “He said that their elemental powers work only when with another Piraka. They are not Toa, they're Piraka!”
“A fitting name for them,” said Garan. “ëPiraka’ is an ancient Matoran word that means ëthief and murderer.’”
“That's the exact opposite of a Toa!” exclaimed Cera.
“We'd better get back to the cave and tell the others,” suggested Littlefoot.
Garan agreed and they quickly began heading back to the cave. “Our friends will believe us, but how do we convince the rest of the Matoran?” wondered Garan, aloud. “And more importantly ó what is this ënew substance’ they talked about?”
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When Garan's group returned to the cave, Dalu, who was covered in a loose blanket of reeds, was still unconscious and Piruk had yet to return from his spying mission in the stronghold. They decided to to take the opportunity to tell everyone else about what they had heard.
“Well... that explains a lot,” commented Kazi.
The young dinosaurs were shocked by everything they heard. “Whoa, they not Toa-heroes at all?” asked Petrie.
“Why would they lie to us like this?” asked Ducky.
“Why are they doing all of this?” asked Chomper.
“I'm more curious about that ënew substance’ they mentioned,” said Ruby. “What is that new substance? What is that new substance for?”
Balta noticed that Velika had immediately turned his gaze towards the stolen weapon that was still on the cave floor nearby. Balta then looked at the weapon, then back to Velika, then to Ruby, then back to the weapon. He began to connect the dots and realized something. “I think Velika is on to something,” said Balta.
“But he didn't say anything,” commented Kazi.
“He didn't have to. As soon as Ruby mentioned that ënew substance’, he immediately looked at that weapon over there. I think that weapon and the substance might be connected in some way. I already pointed out that it's supposed to launch something, but we had no idea what it was.”
“So you're saying that the ënew substance’ might be what's supposed to be fired from that weapon?” asked Littlefoot.
“Exactly,” stated Balta.
“Then why would they want to fire that new substance from that weapon?” asked Ruby. “What is that new substance supposed to do?”
Everyone was snapped out of their thoughts when they heard Dalu stirring. As they looked at her in concern, they could see that her eyes were now open.
“See?” said Garan to Balta. “I told you she would be alright.”
“There is nothing funny about a Muaka at midnight,” said Velika.
“Okay, now that one made no sense at all,” said Kazi in frustration.
“He's trying to say she scared us,” said Garan. He turned back to Dalu. “And you did. Who was it?”
“Avak,” replied Dalu as she struggled to sit up. “I had to, or he would have found you.”
“How did you stop him?” asked Ducky.
“As soon as I saw him, I used my tools to increase his speed, sending him crashing into a pile of rocks. I used them again to enhance his strength, which made him destroy those rocks in frustration. I knew the risk I was taking when I used my Chargers a third time to increase his hearing to an unbearable level. I fell unconscious as soon as I did that, but I can see now that I was successful.”
“You definitely did the right thing,” assured Garan.
“You did the brave thing,” added Balta.
“Of what use is the roof against the rains if there are no walls to stem the floods?” said Velika.
“That does it,” snapped Kazi as he began to head for the cave exit. “If anyone wants me, I'll be back at the village where they don't speak in riddles.”
“Me too,” added Cera, following after Kazi. Velika was one Matoran she did not want to tolerate.
“He has a point,” said Balta, before they left the cave.
“And that would be...?” asked Kazi.
“Dalu's sacrifice means nothing if we don't stop the Piraka from doing... whatever it is they are here to do. And I, for one, don't intend to allow what she did go to waste. How about you?”
Before anyone could reply, Piruk rushed into the cave and shouted, “Garan! Everyone! It's the other Matoran!”
“What is it?” asked Garan.
Piruk was out of breath and spoke rapidly, but he managed to get the words out. “One of the Ta-Matoran, Dezalk, he's gathered them all in the middle of the village. He says it has something to do with the Toa.”
It didn't take Garan more than two seconds to come to a decision. “All right, Dalu will be safe here while the rest of us go check this out.”
“We'll all go,” said Dalu, who was now standing. “If there's going to be a fight, I'm not missing out.”
“If we're lucky, there will be a fight,” said Garan as he led everyone out of the cave. “If we're not, there will be a slaughter.”
That last word struck the young dinosaurs with fear. Although they were more than willing to help the Matoran they were with, they didn't want to imagine what they would find at the village.
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Read and review, as always.
Here are the images of the characters first seen in this chapter:
Avak (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/5/5a/Avak.png)
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Wow. You finished the new chapter a lot faster than I’d expected. :wow This time I’m responding right away. :angel
I can’t say I’m surprised by the discoveries made in this chapter, though the Toa’s Piraka’s scheme of creating a volcano monster and staging a battle against it certainly made things interesting. (I’m wondering how exactly they made it.) It also occurs to me that, if they can control the monster, then it’ll make things a lot harder for the gang (I include the Matoran when I use this term) to stop whatever it is they’re doing.
One thing that made no sense to me in this chapter is that Littlefoot and Cera didn’t seem to react at all to the volcano monster. Their reactions to its emergence and the subsequent “battle” were not shown, and afterwards all they had to comment on was that Hakann’s request for obedience wasn’t Toa-like behavior. :huh: I would have expected them to be terrified of the monster, especially considering thatóbeing a giant, aggressive, fire-spitting creature made out of boulders and lavaóto them it would be like a combination of two of the greatest dangers in their world: volcanoes and sharpteeth. At the least they ought to have been shaken by the whole spectacle, and wondered what the creature was.
It looks like there’s a chance of Cera seeing eye-to-eye with at least one Matoran (Kazi). :lol I actually can’t think of any Matoran (apart from Takua) whom Cera has ever gotten along with. I’m hoping that will change. (Truthfully, I’m tired of her being apathetic or antisocial to every Matoran she meets.)
By the way, Velika’s Muaka line made no sense to me either, :P: but I liked the one about a roof not keeping out a flood. (I’m nuts about analogies. :p)
Something I’m still not clear on is what actually happened to Dalu. We know that she used her Chargers against Avak, which presumably is what weakened her to the point of unconsciousness. It would both explain things better to the reader, and help to distance the scene from the book version, if we got to hear Dalu describe what happened (If it’s never revealed in the series, this would be a good opportunity for some innovation). Also, I think Garan’s line:“Which one was it?”
…just sounds odd, in a way I can’t entirely explain; suffice to say that to me it feels like he’s presuming too much that a Piraka was responsible for whatever happened to Dalu (even though he’s correct). “Who”-or-“what was it” would be better, in my opinion.
Did I mention before how glad I am for the images you’re posting at the end of each chapter? It’s so helpful for visualizing the characters; we all know what the LBT characters look like, but because most of us are unfamiliar with the Bionicle series, it’s hard to picture the interactions the gang are having. Having visual references for the Bionicle characters helps a ton, so thank you for that. :yes
I do have to say, you used a lot more borrowed text from this chapter than you had in previous chapters. The main difference I noticed in the part with the monster was that it was less descriptive than the original text. And most of the borrowed text for the scene in the cave was the same almost word-for-word. I think you should definitely try to change and/or add to some of this. For example, if you know more about the volcano monster’s appearance other than that it’s made of rocks and lava (is it shaped like a Matoran, or more like some kind of Rahi?), you could describe it in your own words. Also, having Dalu describe her encounter with Avak, and what exactly she used her Chargers to accomplish. (Sorry I can’t suggest anything more helpful. :oops)
“It's Dalu,” replied Balta. “I'm just worried about her. I know that she'll be safe with Velika and the others, but I would feel better if I was there myself.”
Should be “were”.
My tools are Pulse Bolt Generators that, when crossed, fire an energy bolt that grows stronger the further it travels.
Should be “farther”, referring to distance or length. (“Further” refers to time or amount.)
A giant fiery being crawled * from within the top of the volcano.
Personally, I think this sentence would sound better (in terms of grammatical correctness) if “the top of” were removed, or if you changed “top” to “mouth” or “crater”.
*Insert “out”.
It then stood atop the volcano and looked down at the Matoran below.
”Then” is probably unneeded.
And all will be right in you little world!
Should be “your”.
“You overdid *,” said Avak.
*Insert “it”.
“And more important ó what is this ënew substance’ they talked about?”
Should be “importantly”.
“Woah, they not Toa-heroes at all?” asked Petrie.
I’ve usually seen this spelled “whoa”, though this may be an acceptable alternative spelling.
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Okay it's time I gave my review.
I'm going to go on the asumption here that this is an original work, as it makes things a lot more complicated if I start talking about parts that were from the text you borrowed from in both a positive and negative sense (ie I don't want to review somebody else's work at the same time as your own).
I like how the plot progresses in this chapter how the 'toa' are revealed to not be the legendary heroes that they said they were, but in fact lairs and thieves. The method they use to pull in the other Matoran to serve them is quite practical giving their lack of education (I wonder why mechanical beings would have trouble seeing through such an illusion given the powerful processors that run them - unless I am unclear on this concept).
Pangaea was right in his senitment that the Land Before Time element seems like it's merely 'jury-rigged' on as opposed to an incorporated and intense theme in the story. LBT characters pop in at random intervals to give their opinions or make a statement, but otherwise don't seem to be contributing very much with most of the scene centered around the good Matoran (if that's what they are called, there are so many strange words and names being thrown around it's tough to keep track). You don't have to give them a ton of lines each, but you do have to make them feel apart of the story by having them perform an important role to the plot. For instance, you could have had the Matoran send the gang to spy on the evil Toa, since they are far harder to spot then the robots are. This would have provided a unique perspective on an already known event, and forwarded your skills as a writer.
Something else you can also do is to improve the descriptive quality of the story beyond what was already present in the text, to provide a clearer picture for us readers whom are less familiar with the Bionicle Universe and might have difficulty imagining how they move or why they behave the way they do. :angel
Caustizer.
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Well, I guess I can review here at least. :lol I'm honestly not a bionicle fan but I sure am a land before time fan. :D When I saw your original story, Quest for the energy stones, on FF.net, I ignored it at first but then, with it there everytime I turned to the second page so I decided to give it a shot. Boy you didn't dissapoint me. :lol: It turned into a great find that got me reading it for hours on end trying to find out what happened. when I finished, I wanted to read the sequal, so I went looking for it but sadly couldn't find it. When it did came out, both here on GOF and on FF.net, I practically jumped for joy. This is one of the best fanfics, and I can easily say, I have ever read.
Now onto the review! It was great, a few misshaps here and there, but don't look at me for them. I'm sure pangaea will give you all the info you need. But I agree with Pangaea on one note. When the monster came up, wouldn't Littlefoot and Cera be terrified of it? I know I would be. Well that's all for me. Get the next chapter up soon. Bye now!
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Now onto the review! It was great, a few misshaps here and there, but don't look at me for them. I'm sure pangaea will give you all the info you need.
While I feel very complimented by your confidence in my reviewing skills, I do want to emphasize that I am not perfect and really appreciate having other people leave their own feedback on the stories and artwork I review. There are always some area of a story for which my critique falls short because I just don't perceive the aspect that could be improved. In the case of this story, I feel fortunate that Caustizer is leaving detailed reviews of his own for each chapter, which help immensely in filling in the gaps in my reviewing style. Regardless of the respect and admiration comments like yours might entail (that if the author/artist has me as a reviewer, they're all set as far as critique goes), I'd much rather not be made to feel like the reviewer authors and artists rely on for comprehensive feedback on their work. I very strongly encourage other members to share their opinions, suggestions, and general comments on stories and artwork. Honestly it makes me feel bad when people imply that I'm such a good reviewer that their own feedback doesn't matter.
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Whoops! :oops
I am SO SORRY for that last message Pangaea. I didn't know what I was typing. I do respect your opinion strongly, but I know your not perfect. Nobody is. I'm FAR from perfect. It is true, Caustizer does have very detailed review and he has a good opinion, but I also value MY OWN opinion very strongly and I think that my reviews do matter. Again I am VERY sorry for that last post there. Sorry 'bout that.
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^ Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to sound angry there. :oops I just have a major concern (you might even call it paranoia) that my reviews are too thorough and detailed for their own good; so much so that they discourage other members from leaving feedback of their own. I don't want to be the only reviewer on any one thread, so I just want to emphasize how important it is that other members share their opinions, too.
I'll stop here. Don't want to get too far off topic.
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No worries Pangaea. :D Your a good reviewer but your right, let's get back to the topic, shall we...
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Pangaea: Thanks for the comments. I especially pay attention to any suggestions you have for improving my story. For example, you asked me to at least explain what happened to Dalu. Just so you know, that is described in the book, I just didn't show you that text because I had planned to not include that scene in this story (I've decided to add in a brief description of what happened). Also, although I think you're great with reviews, we all know that nobody is perfect. That is why I like having multiple reviewers; they might catch something you missed (In fact, I've had the next chapter done for days while I waited for another reviewer).
Caustizer: I will admit that there will be many chapters similar to that one (including the next one, I'll admit), but I will add in my own ideas every now and then, the next one will begin in the chapter that I'm going to start writing next. I'll try not to spoil it but, basically, one member of the gang will do something on their own and make an unexpected discovery, but they might not reach the others in time to have an effect. Also, yes, you are missing something (which shows me that I'm relying too much on having people read my first story before they read this one). Matoran and all the other species in the Bionicle universe are not robots, but bio-mechanical beings. In other words, they have organs, like a heart and lungs, but much of their physical structure is mechanical. If to want to see an example, just look at my avatar (yes, that is a Matoran, as seen in the Bionicle movies).
LBTDiclonius: Thank you. I'm glad to see you were willing to spend so much time reading my entire fanfiction series so far (yes, I am planning for this to be part of a series of fanfics). Since you're new here, I'll explain how I'm doing this. Basically, what you see on fanfiction.net is a finished product; as soon as I upload a chapter there, I'm done editing it. The reason you will always see one more chapter here than there is because the latest chapter needs to be reviewed so that I know what kind of changes I need to make to make it better.
Also, I just wanted to point out that, on fanfiction.net, this story recently got a review from someone who is a fan of Bionicle, but not quite familiar with LBT (the opposite of most previous reviewers). This shows me that my series of fanfics is becoming quite popular. :)
Okay, now I can finally get to the next chapter.
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Chapter 5
An Island Enslaved
As the group of Matoran and young dinosaurs headed for the village, Garan asked Piruk to explain everything he had learned from his spying mission inside the stronghold. Apparently, Zaktan had been spending most of his time in a single chamber in the stronghold where a strange, green, smoke-like substance was stored in a massive crystal sphere. Hakann and Avak had then entered the chamber to report that some of the Matoran were getting restless and to inform Zaktan the theft of the weapon, called a Zamor Launcher. When Zaktan claimed that they were failing to act like a Toa, Avak reminded him that they were not Toa, but Piraka, and they were trying to find this “Mask of Life,” whatever it was. Avak also stated that Toa couldn't stop them, the Dark Hunters couldn't control them, and that he was starting to question Zaktan's authority. However, Zaktan's use of his unusual power was more than enough to make Avak reconsider those words. When Hakann and Avak left, they had apparently decided to stage that fake battle to convince the Matoran that they were Toa.
This was a lot of information to take in, especially for the gang. For them, that information had left them with many questions: Who were the Dark Hunters? Were Toa really unable to stop the Piraka? What was the “Mask of Life”? They asked these questions to the Matoran, but even they didn't know the answers.
By the time the group arrived at the village, night had already fallen and it was very difficult to see anything in such darkness. Although most of the torches in the village had gone out, a few were still lit, so the six Matoran each grabbed one and began searching the village. It was quickly clear that something terrible had happened here recently. Many of the huts and statues were damaged or destroyed, evidence of a massive panic that had happened before they arrived. As for the villagers, not a single trace of them was found. The group was quickly beginning to fear the worst for the villagers.
Chomper then heard a moan and turned around. He saw a Ta-Matoran getting up. “Hey, I found someone!” exclaimed Chomper.
Everyone quickly turned their attention to the Ta-Matoran. He shook his head for a second and, as if he thought of nothing else, he immediately began to leave the village.
Balta quickly rushed to the Ta-Matoran and stood in his way. “Dezalk, Where are the others?” asked Balta. “What happened?”
Dezalk, whose eyes strangely glowed red like those of the Piraka, never made eye contact with Balta and kept trying to walk forward. Once he finally realized someone was standing in his way, he tried to shove Balta out of his way. Balta wouldn't let him go that easily, so he fought back. Eventually, the two Ta-Matoran were shoving and punching each other. The others watched the fight in horror, too stunned by the sight to do anything about it.
Finally, Garan had had enough and said, “Let him go.”
“Are you crazy?” asked Balta, struggling to hold back Dezalk. “He may be the only one who knows what's going on!”
“All the more reason to let him escape,” said Dalu. “He has some destination in mind. It's probably where the others are, and whoever did... whatever... to them.”
“I don't think it's any secret who did this,” said Garan. “The question is, what do we do about it?”
“I think we need to know more about what happened to the other Matoran before we do anything about it,” suggested Littlefoot. “I say we follow Dezalk and find out what he's trying to do.”
Garan nodded in agreement and said, “Everyone, drop your torches. If we're going to follow him, then let's not bring any attention to ourselves.”
Everyone in the group did as they were told. Balta reluctantly stepped aside and allowed Dezalk to continue. Dezalk quickly walked out of the village with the six Matoran and seven young dinosaurs following him. He never paid any attention to them and acted as if they weren't even there. He walked and leaped across terrain so treacherous that even Cera and Dalu opted to take a safer route nearby. Whatever had happened to the Ta-Matoran had removed any sense of caution or fear he might have once had.
It didn't take long for them to reach their destination: the base of the volcano. Torches along the slopes revealed hundreds of Matoran hard at work on the tasks they had been doing for the last few days: cutting holes into the side of the volcano and digging trenches and pits to collect the lava. However, not any one of them showed any signs of exhaustion, and their eyes glowed the same crimson that Dezalk's did. Dezalk calmly stepped over a lava flow, grabbed a tool, and went to work.
Dalu was about to step forward into the torchlight when Balta held her back. “Wait,” whispered Balta. “Look.”
Balta was pointing at nearby slope. Standing there were the six Piraka, watching the Matoran hard at work. The most disturbing sight of all were the smiles on their faces. It was immediately clear what was going on here.
“Slaves,” said Dalu in anger. “They have made them slaves!”
“What is a slave?” asked Ducky with worry.
“Someone who is forced to do hard work against their will.”
“And all to drain lava from the mountain,” added Garan.
“But why?” asked Ruby. “Why would they make the Matoran do all of this? Why would they go so far as to make the Matoran slaves?”
“I think they're collecting it,” said Kazi. “Maybe they are going to use the hot lava for some weapon.”
Garan shook his head and said, “I don't think so. If all they wanted was the lava, there's plenty of it on the surface in the lava pool. There's no need for all these Matoran to dig it out for that purpose.”
“So what are they really doing?” asked Chomper.
Garan looked at Velika, who was watching the activity with his head slightly cocked to one side, as if he was deep in thought.
Cera noticed this and asked Garan, “What makes you think he might know the answer?”
“He has a way of looking at the world from his own strange viewpoint,” replied Garan, “sometimes seeing truths that the rest of us miss.”
When Velika noticed everyone was looking at him, he nodded and smiled. “He who would empty a lake of fire must have a long spoon,” he said.
“Well, of course,” thought Garan aloud. “You couldn't get too close, so you would need a tool that would let you remain at a distance, which is what the Matoran are in this case. It only makes sense if you wanted to emptyó That's it!” He barely managed to keep his voice down at this sudden realization. “It has to be. Don't you see? It's not the lava they want. They are emptying the volcano! They are after something inside, hidden beneath the lava pool.”
“And the only way to get to it is to drain the lava pool,” finished Littlefoot.
“Okay, so now we know ëwhy’ but not ëwhat,’” said Balta.
The group then saw one Matoran working near the crater of the volcano trip on a rock and fall into the lava. He never screamed or did anything else to even acknowledge his fate. Neither did any of the other enslaved Matoran.
“Nothing could be worth this,” said Garan. “Nothing.”
“This is so horrible,” said Ducky, sadly. “It is, it is.”
Spike sadly nodded in agreement.
“And all just to find something,” added Chomper, just as saddened as the others.
“Whatever it is they are looking for, it must be really important or really powerful,” commented Ruby.
Littlefoot suddenly realized something. “Wait a minute!” he quietly exclaimed. “Piruk, you said you heard the Piraka were here to look for the ëMask of Life,’ right?”
Piruk nodded and said, “Right.”
“That must be what they're looking for. That must be what is hidden at the bottom of the lava pool.”
“Okay so we know what it's called, but we still don't know what it is,” said Cera. “What's so important about that mask? I mean, it's just a mask.”
“I'm not so sure about that, Cera” said Ruby. “Not so sure at all.”
After a few minutes of silence, Petrie asked, “What we do now?”
“We have three choices,” said Garan. “We can run and hope to find a way off this island, maybe find help somewhere else. We can hide in the western mountains where no one ever goes. Or we can fight, and probably die... if we don't wind up slaves like our friends.”
“The rest of you can do what you want,” said Dalu. “I'm fighting.”
“Me too,” said Balta. “We haven't survived here for this long just to give up.”
“The movement of a single pebble can bring down a storm of rock,” said Velika.
Kazi nodded and said, “Even I get that one, and I'm with them.”
“So am I,” said Cera. “If there's a way to stop them, then I'll do whatever it takes to do it.”
“Me no know about this,” said Petrie with concern.
“None of us will think any less of you guys if you want to go for help,” said Garan to those who had not made their choice yet. “What we are proposing here is suicidal, and there's no reason you have to join us and die, too.”
Piruk, the only Matoran of the group who had yet to say his choice, was scraping his Shredder Claws against each other to sharpen the blades. It was a nervous habit he had had for a long time, but this time, he appeared to be doing it for a purpose. He looked up with determination and said, “Yes. Yes, there is a reason. You're my friends, and this is my home. If those things are not worth fighting and dying for, then what is?”
“I must agree with him, agree with him I must,” said Ruby. “You may not be the same Matoran who helped us save our home, but you are still Matoran, so I think we should do the right thing and help you save your home.”
“Ruby's right,” said Littlefoot in agreement. He looked at Ducky, Spike, Petrie, and Chomper. “We agreed that any Matoran would be a friend of ours, and we always help our friends, no matter what the dangers. What do you say?”
After a few seconds, Chomper looked up and said, “I'm in.”
“Me too,” said Ducky.
Spike nodded in agreement.
Finally, Petrie said, “Okay, count me in.”
“It's settled then,” said Garan. “We may be doomed to fall, but before we do, we'll give our enemies a reason to regret the day they set foot here. Let's show them you don't have to be a Toa to be a hero.”
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Read and review, as always.
Here are the images of the characters first seen in this chapter:
Zaktan (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/9/97/Zaktan.png)
Vezok (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/d/d4/Vezok.png)
Thok (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/0/06/Thok.png)
Reidak (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/d/d0/Reidak.png)
(There are no images of Dezalk)
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Nice chapter you got here. So it looks as if there's going to be a fight. I wonder how that will turn out. I hope nothing too bad happens. Get the next chapter up soon!
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This was a rather short chapter, so forgive me if my review falls short of my usual standard. By the way, good job on the rewrites in the last chapter. :yes
I felt that the first two paragraphs of this story left something to be desired in terms of storytelling. We don’t get to hear any of the characters’ reactions to the new information, and when they discover the empty village. Plus, Piruk’s exposition of the Piraka sounds awkward to me:
They went on to mention that they and the other Piraka were once members of an organization known as the Dark Hunters, but were now acting on their own and intended to use the Matoran to find this “Mask of Life,” whatever it was supposed to be.
From the way this is written out, it sounds as if Hakann and Avak just walked up to Zaktan and told him their backstory and plans, even though Zaktan, being one of the Piraka, should know all of that as well as they do (so why tell him about it at all?). I’m guessing the truth is that that information just came up “casually” during the Piraka’s conversation. The simplest solution would be to get rid of the word “mention”, and change the beginning of the sentence with something like “Piruk had found out that…”. Alternatively you could describe the Piraka’s exchange in more detail. Either away, you’ll want to change the sentence to avoid sounding like Hakann and Avak just straightforwardly (and conveniently, from Piruk’s perspective) shared a bunch of crucial information.
This is similar to a comment Caustizer made in his of Chapter 3: I’m feeling that some of the gang’s linesóspecifically, some of the words they useósound very strange coming from them. For instance, Ruby’s line:
“Why make the Matoran do all of this? Why go so far as to enslave the Matoran?”
I’m not sure the LBT dinosaurs are even familiar with the concept of slavery, or the words “slave” and “enslave”. Also, I think of Ruby (and pretty much all of her friends who speak reasonably good English :p) as being more likely to say “Why would they make…”, “Why would they go so far…”, etc.
Again I have to agree with Caustizer that, so far in the story, the gang seem to be just “there”, tagging along and occasionally interjecting in conversation, but not really contributing to the plot. Not just the important actions in the story (such as spying on the Piraka), but all of the major decisions, revelations, and discoveries have been made by the Matoran characters. Though it would be too late to change this now, I’ve started to think that some of the Matoran characters could have been excised from the story entirely, with their roles being filled by the newly arrived LBT characters. (Granted, the gang still isn’t very familiar with the way the Matoran world works, so perhaps they wouldn’t be able to contribute much anyway.) I’m hoping that in the next chapter they will be more central to the plot.
I did like that you had the gang express their motive to help (despite the stakes of said endeavor) by recalling their pledged alliance to the Matoran. I also have to say that the scene at the volcanoóparticularly the part where they witness a Matoran die as a result of its enslavement-induced lack of self-preservationówas quite jarring, and would have definitely aroused sympathy from the gang and given them further incentive to help the Matoran.
Hakann and Avak had then entered the chamber to report that some of the Matoran were getting restless* and of the theft of the weapon, called a Zamor Launcher.
I would replace “of” with “to inform Zaktan”, or simply remove it (though this would cause the sentence to sound a bit awkward).
They went on to mention that they and the other Piraka were once members of an organization known as the Dark Hunters, but were now acting on their own and intended to use the Matoran to find this “Mask of Life,” whatever it was supposed to be.
Change “went” to “had gone”.
Dezalk quickly walk out of the village with the six Matoran and seven young dinosaurs following him.
Should be “walked”.
“You couldn't get too close, so you needed a tool that * let you remain at a distance ó that is what the Matoran are in this case. It only made sense if you wanted to emptyó That's it!”
This sentence could be made more grammatically correct if you changed “needed” to “would need”, inserted “would”, and changed “made” to makes. Personally, though, I think you might as well change the entire sentence, so that not only sounds better, but reduces the amount of borrowed text (whichóas I can’t help but noticeóthere has been a lot more of in this chapter and the preceding one than in the first few chapters).
“They may not be the Matoran we knew, but they're still Matoran. We agreed that any Matoran would be a friend of ours, and we always help our friends, no matter what the dangers. What do you say?”
I would remove this part of Littlefoot’s line, as it’s almost the same thing Ruby said a moment earlier.
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Pangaea: Thanks again for pointing out what I needed to improve. I honestly thought that your main issue from this chapter would have been the gang deciding to help the Matoran fight, but it seems that you find it done well. On the other hand, it somehow never occurred to me that the gang didn't know what the word "slave" meant, but I think I've managed to deal with that problem. As for how I seem to make the gang just "tag along" with the Bionicle characters, all I can honestly say is that many parts of this story will seem that way, even though I promise to occasionally make them more "central to the plot." At least this will be the last story in my series that will be this way (all future fanfics I'm planning will be almost entirely original material), so all I can say is bear with me as I do my best to get this over with.
I'm not going to wait for Caustizer to reply, since I have a feeling that I know what his comments will be, and I've had the next chapter done since earlier this week.
Here is the next chapter, which features the first of many times when at least one of the gang will do more than just "follow the Bionicle characters."
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Chapter 6
Fighting Back
The group of free Matoran and young dinosaurs soon reached higher ground above where the Piraka stood. Two of the Piraka ó Hakann and the ebon-armored Piraka, Reidak ó had already left the area for reasons unknown to the group. None of them bothered to question those reasons, anyway. The less Piraka to deal with, the better.
Garan observed the actions of the four remaining Piraka. “Vezok just put his launcher down,” said Garan. “Balta, get down there and grab it. If you can't, at least make sure you get one of those spheres that are with those launchers. My guess is they have something to do with what happened to our friends. If we can capture one, maybe we can figure out what it is and how to undo what it's done.”
Balta nodded and silently descended down the slope. Garan then mentally began counting the seconds. He had already explained to everyone what his plan was and everyone agreed to go with it. If everything went as planned, Balta would accomplish his task and be back in little time. If something went wrong, the odds of Balta surviving at all would be very slim.
Cera looked around and immediately noticed something was wrong. “Wait, where's Littlefoot?” she asked.
“He was just with us,” said Chomper. “Where did he go?”
“We'll worry about him later,” said Dalu. “Right now, Balta is depending on us.”
“Thirty seconds,” said Garan, stating that it was time to move into action. “Get in position. We'll see if Velika was right about that pebble.”
“Garan, look!” said Kazi, pointing off into the distance. “To the west ó are those fire bolts?”
Cera looked in the direction Kazi was pointing and, sure enough, she saw bolts of flame being fired off in the distance, although nobody could tell who was firing those bolts. “It's probably just Hakann killing more random Rahi,” said Cera.
Nobody bothered to question Cera's belief, nor did they have the time to do so anyway. They had a plan to follow, and whatever was going on over there didn't matter to them.
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Meanwhile, Littlefoot silently descended down the slope towards the Piraka. He knew he was taking a big risk, but he strongly believed that his idea would work. The Piraka were powerful, but there had to be some weaknesses among them. If he could listen in on the Piraka's conversations, he might be able to find out about such weaknesses.
Littlefoot knew his friends would be wondering where he went, but he had to leave without telling them. If he had told them what he was going to do, they would all have decided to come with him. As much as he hated to go against his friends like this, he knew it was best they didn't come with him. Spying was best done alone.
Finally, Littlefoot reached an excellent location. He sat behind a large boulder that was just 20 bio away from the Piraka. As long as he stayed silent and didn't expose himself too much, his efforts just might prove successful. He was very hopeful that he would discover some valuable information as he began to listen.
“Hey, what's going on over there?” asked one of the Piraka.
Littlefoot carefully peered around the boulder to see the emerald-armored Piraka, Zaktan, was looking off into the distance, where fire bolts could easily be seen flying through the air. At first, he thought it was Hakann, but then he remembered something. Hakann is a Piraka, thought Littlefoot. His elemental powers work only in combination with a Piraka of a different element. He can't control pure flame, but that's what those fire bolts are made of. So if Hakann's not the one firing them, who is?
Littlefoot looked back at the Piraka and noticed that Avak's eyes were glowing, just like Hakann's did when he was about to use his heat vision power. However, Avak possessed no such power. Instead, he was looking at the source of the fire bolts as if he could look through all of the obstructions. That must be his vision power, thought Littlefoot. Looking through things and at faraway places.
After a minute, Avak's eyes stopped glowing and he shook his head in disappointment. “You're not going to like it,” reported Avak to the other Piraka. “We have company, and thanks to Reidak being careless about where he throws his boulders, they know we're here.”
“Toa,” spat Zaktan with absolute disgust.
“About time,” said the blue-armored Piraka, Vezok. “I was beginning to think we were never going to get any action around here.”
Toa? thought Littlefoot. Could there really be real Toa here? If that's true, then they might be able to stop the Piraka! Looks like they're already dealing with Reidak and Hakann, since those two aren't here.
Littlefoot was interrupted from his thoughts by a rumbling noise up the slope. A lightning bolt flashed across the sky, its light revealing a massive rockslide coming down the slope. Oh no! thought Littlefoot. That must be the trap my friends set, and I'm right in its way!
Littlefoot saw the first of the boulders bounce off of a nearby outcropping and head straight towards Zaktan. Zaktan's body separated into the trillions of pieces it was made of, each flying away from where he had stood so that the boulder simply passed right though. When his body reformed, the expression on his face was one of intense anger.
“Scatter!” ordered Zaktan.
Despite seeing Zaktan use the ability that made him so terrifying, Littlefoot didn't waste any time getting out of the way. Fortunately, the Piraka were too occupied with diving for cover to notice him. Once he was clear of the path of the rockslide, he hid behind another large boulder.
From there, Littlefoot saw Balta charging into the path of the rockslide. Balta soon managed to grab Vezok's launcher, but Vezok immediately caught him in the act. “Hey!” shouted Vezok as he began to charge at the Ta-Matoran.
Balta quickly dropped the launcher and instead grabbed the green sphere that was loaded in it. He then ran out of the torchlight and back up the slope. Vezok began to chase after him, but then cursed and headed back to retrieve his launcher. By the time he got it, Balta had already disappeared into the night.
“Toa and little Matoran thieves,” said Vezok to himself. “Now this is more like it!”
The rockslide eventually passed. Littlefoot had stayed hidden behind the boulder, still hopeful that there was more he could learn.
The Piraka regrouped, but it wasn't to last. “More trouble,” reported Vezok. “A Matoran just ran off with one of the Zamor spheres.”
Zaktan was now furious. “Thok, you and Vezok go after that Matoran and recover that sphere.” ordered Zaktan. “Avak, you stay here and make sure the Matoran slaves keep working. I'll help Hakann and Reidak deal with those Toa over there.”
The other Piraka didn't hesitate to follow Zaktan's orders. Vezok and the white-armored Piraka, Thok, quickly headed in the direction Balta had gone, while Zaktan headed west to deal with the Toa.
Littlefoot was amazed by how obedient the other Piraka were to Zaktan. However, he soon found out that Zaktan's authority was questioned by some of the other Piraka. “Two of us for one Matoran?” complained Vezok. “The fight is down below, not up here.”
Littlefoot didn't catch the rest of the conversation between Thok and Vezok. He remained hidden behind the boulder to think about what he had found out. Okay, the Piraka don't seem to like working together, so that might help us. Then again, there might actually be real Toa here to fight them. If there's anything my friends need to know about, it's those Toa.
For a moment, Littlefoot tried to decide on what he should do next. Either he could follow Balta and try to find his friends to tell them what he now knew, or he could follow Zaktan and find out who exactly these Toa were. Ultimately, he decided to find his friends. He was confident that the Toa could handle the Piraka.
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The rest of the group reached a rocky overhang and decided to take refuge beneath it while they waited for Balta to return. As they had climbed up the slope, they were able to hear shouting at the place where they saw the fire bolts, as if a battle was going on over there. After the bolts of fire ó in addition to bolts of ice ó ceased, a strange glow appeared at the site of the assumed battle. Now, the glow was gone, but the shouts could still be heard.
“I wonder what's going on down there,” said Chomper.
“It definitely sound like there's a fight going on,” said Dalu.
“Maybe they had an argument and are now battling each other,” suggested Piruk.
“That should be good for us and good for Balta,” commented Ruby. “If they are fighting each other, they'll be too busy fighting each other to even notice Balta trying to steal something. Not to mention they also had to deal with that big rockslide we started.”
“Two distractions at once, I like that,” added Cera.
“I just hope Littlefoot is okay,” said Ducky. “I do, I do.”
“Whoa! Is that Reidak?” exclaimed Kazi, pointing at the site of the battle.
Petrie looked in that direction and, to his surprise, he saw a black figure ó definitely Reidak ó standing on a large chunk of rock and they were both flying straight up into the air. “He can fly?” asked Petrie.
Chomper looked just in time to see Reidak's ascent end and he began to fall. “No, he's falling,” replied Chomper. “He must have been thrown really high up, but how?”
Unfortunately, nobody else saw this strange event, and by the time they decided to look, it had already passed.
“What are you talking about?” asked Cera. “I don't see him anywhere.”
“And besides, none of the Piraka can fly,” stated Dalu.
“Well, something had to throw him that high up,” said Chomper, still convinced that what he saw was real.
After that, everyone stayed silent while they waited for Balta to return. The gang didn't like not knowing what happened to Littlefoot or where he might be. Garan had promised them that they would look for him once Balta returned, but as the minutes passed, they were getting more and more anxious. Suddenly, the group heard a noise that sounded like metal striking a rock. The sound repeated many times, getting closer each time.
“It's one of them,” said Piruk. “It has to be!”
Garan readied his tools and signaled the others to hide among the rocks. If one of the Piraka had found them, they would have no choice but to fight. He then saw a figure. He was about to fire a pulse bolt when he heard a familiar voice.
“Where are you guys? It's me!”
It was Balta. Everyone came out of their hiding places and ran to greet him. Balta quickly shook them off and said, “There's no time. Thok and Vezok are right behind me. Take this sphere and head for safety.” He then handed the green sphere to Garan.
“Aren't you coming?” asked Dalu.
“Someone has to lead them away from you. I know these rocks. I can lose them and then circle back and find you again.”
“While you're at it, try to find Littlefoot,” said Cera. “We don't know where he went.”
Balta nodded and said, “I'll do my best.”
“Be careful,” said Garan. “We'll be heading foró”
“Don't tell me.”
Garan didn't understand it at first, but then he realized that if Balta were to be captured by the Piraka, they would try to force answers from him, so it was best that he didn't know where they were going. The two of them shook hands. Balta then climbed back up the slope and disappeared into the night. Garan then headed in the opposite direction with the rest of the group following him. Ruby noticed Dalu was frequently looking back in the direction Balta had gone, but decided it was best not to mention it to anyone.
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“How long does it take to track one Matoran?” asked Thok.
“Too long,” replied Vezok. “There's too many places for one to hide. I say we go back, grab one of the others, and give him to Zaktan. I doubt he can tell one of the little creeps from another.”
The two Piraka then noticed a small shower of pebbles coming down the slope to their right. This was a clear sign that someone, possibly that pesky Matoran, was climbing the slope somewhere nearby. Thok gestured for Vezok to go right while he went left.
Thok sneaked around a large rock and, on the slope above him, he saw something quite unexpected. So Hakann was right, he thought. The small, four-legged, long-necked creature he saw was completely organic and had virtually no armor at all. I bet I can kill him with one punch. Smirking at the thought, he decided to put that theory to the test. “Hey, pest!” shouted Thok.
Littlefoot looked back and, to his horror, realized that one of the Piraka had spotted him. He saw Thok's eyes start to glow. He didn't know what to expect, since he had no idea what this Piraka's vision powers were. Littlefoot then felt the world begin to spin around him. He knew what it was like to feel dizzy, but he had never experienced something this intense. He quickly lost his balance and tumbled down the rocky slope.
Fortunately, Littlefoot quickly stopped falling and suffered only a few minor bruises. By the time he recovered his bearings, Thok was already standing above him.
“Say goodnight!” taunted Thok as he raised a fist.
Littlefoot gasped and braced for impact. However, before the blow landed, a pair of tools was crossed between them. When Thok struck the tools, he was sent flying backwards as if he had been punched in the face. Realizing that he had been saved, Littlefoot looked up and saw that Balta had used his Repellers to deflect the impact.
“Follow me!” exclaimed Balta as he quickly headed back up the slope. Littlefoot didn't waste any time doing as he was told. They soon reached a cave and entered it in hopes that they could hide in there until the Piraka gave up the chase.
Unfortunately, Vezok had spotted them going into the cave. “You're not getting away that easily!” shouted Vezok as he ran up the slope and entered the cave.
When Balta and Littlefoot realized they were followed into the cave, they hid in one of the small tunnels that branched off.
“What do we do now?” whispered Littlefoot.
Balta gestured to let Littlefoot know that they had to stay silent. He then gestured with his tools to tell Littlefoot about how they would ambush the Piraka. When Vezok would walk by, they would push over the large rock nearby to pin down the Piraka, hopefully long enough to allow them to escape.
Littlefoot nodded in agreement.
Vezok quickly searched the cave, but never entered the tunnel they were hiding in. He was clearly frustrated by the time he had searched the entire place. After thinking for a moment, he said to himself, “Direct approach works best.” He then left the cave.
“What's he doing?” whispered Littlefoot.
Outside of the cave, Vezok found a boulder that was just large enough to do the job. He may have not been as strong as Reidak, but he was able to roll the large boulder until it completely blocked the entrance to the cave. There, thought Vezok. This won't give Zaktan what he wants, but at least now we won't have to worry about these particular pests ever again. Maybe Thok and I can make a little wager. Will the Matoran suffocate before he starves, or starve before he suffocates? And just how long does it take for a Matoran to die? As for that weird pest, I'll bet that if he's not a carnivore, he'll be the first one to go.
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Read and review, as always.
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Thanks for getting the chapter up so fast. It was a good one too.
I just found one little flaw. Or one that I could see anyway;
"Finally, Littlefoot reach an excellent location."
"reach" should be "reached"
Other than that it looks fine.
Oh no, Littlefoot and Balta are trapped in a cave. I hope they get out of there all right, or their friends find them and push the rock out of the way. Great chapter. Please get the next chapter up soon! :yes
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I found this chapter to be quite captivating, and since it was mostly action it was very easy to follow what exactly was going on. With previous chapters a lot of names were being thrown around with a base line assumption that you as the reader knew what the characters looked like, which caused momentary bouts of confusion that consistantly turned me off from reading any further and made producing a review more difficult then it should be (for example, I've picked up the main Matoran character names like Garan and Piruk and I'm pretty sure I can tell you the difference between a Matoran, a Toa, and a Piraka with good confidence, but for everyone else I think 'who is that guy again?' since there isn't a ton of character description).
I liked how the villians have become more menacing with their fist encounter with one of the gang, and the plot has the makings of a very interesting story involving villians impersonating great heroes only to have the real ones turn up to make things complicated. Littlefoot did something on his own too, and not only that but going with his inquisitive nature doing a little 'spy-work' makes sense for him.
Something I try to do in Far Away Home and my other stories is to assume the reader knows absolutely nothing about the character I have just introduced, and describe him/her/it from head to toe while also building up a personality right from the first impression. A good and bad example of this would be:
- Johnny and Jean the threehorns both approached Littlefoot, and the longneck immediately felt he didn't like them. Johnny had an air of arrogance about him that ran from the tip of his horns down his blue scaled skin right to the tip of his tail, while the red scaled Jean was hardly any better.
"What's up Littleneck," Johnny taunted, "don't have any friends to play with today? I bet you don't even have any at all."
- Johnny and Jean approached Littlefoot.
"What's up Littleneck... don't have any friends to play with today? I bet you don't even have any at all."
Keep writing, because above all else a good writer is made from experience and from what I have seen you are certainly improving. :angel
Caustizer.
P.S. If you would like me to review your works quicker, you can always review mine! :smile One of the techniques I use to promote my stories is to review the stories of others so they feel their work is being read, and in the process make a lot of friends. Something I've learned from experience is that even posting a simple sentence about another's fan-work can produce positive feelings all around.
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Holy buckets, has it really been a whole week since this chapter was posted? Darn it! :slap You’ll have to forgive me; all I can say is that over the past several days I’ve been engaged in a significant number of projects, familial obligations, and favors for people, and it’s been draining me of energy, presence of mind, and willpower to get the remaining jobs done.
The good news is that this chapter is almost entirely free of spelling errors. (That, or this mental haze I’m experiencing is inhibiting my ability to spot them.) LBTDiclonius already pointed out one error (thank you for that ;)); this is the only other sentence I found containing what I thought might be a mistake:
He sat behind a large boulder that was just 20 bio away from the Piraka.
Should this be “bios”, or is “bio” both plural and singular?
Story-wise, I did notice a couple of details that seemed problematic to me. First, Littlefoot deduces that the source of the fire bolts in the distance can’t be Hakann, because he can only use his powers in concert with another Piraka’s. But Garan and Cera (as well as Balta, who isn’t with the rest of the group) also know this, so why didn’t they realize this as well? Actually, I don’t see why it’s impossible that Hakann isn’t creating the fire bolts; couldn’t Reidak be with him, enabling him to use his powers?
At any rate, I really did enjoy this chapter. It’s great to finally see the characters engaged in some action. :smile And I liked Littlefoot’s autonomy and interaction with the Piraka. Though I have to say, it doesn’t strike me as very good judgment on his part to go down to spy on the Piraka, putting himself directly in the path of his friends’ rockslide trap, without telling anyone that he was doing so.
This isn’t technically a mistake, but personally, I think the highlighted sentence in the following excerpt could be written out a bit better:
Littlefoot was amazed by how obedient the other Piraka were to Zaktan. However, he soon found out that Zaktan's authority was questioned by many of the other Piraka. “Two of us for one Matoran?” complained Vezok. “The fight is down below, not up here.”
Somehow this part just feels awkward in the narrative. Isn’t Littlefoot eavesdropping on just two Piraka? Vezok is the only one expressing disagreement with Zaktan’s order, and his complaint doesn’t strongly indicate that he’s questioning Zaktan’s authority.
I have to say, knowing the gang’s track record for being sealed inside caves and getting out of them, I’m not too afraid for Littlefoot and Balta at this point. I’m more concerned that, if the real Toa are indeed about to show up, they’ll defeat the Piraka with relatively little difficulty, and all the efforts of the characters we’ve gotten to know so far (including the gang) will have been irrelevant.
I think you did better with changing the borrowed text in this chapter than you have in previous ones. And I love how you worked Littlefoot’s role into one of the borrowed segments. You should try to do that more often. :yes
In closing, my apologies again for the delayed review. :oops
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Pangaea: Thanks again for the comments and questions. First of all, bio, like many other Bionicle words, are spelled and pronounced the same if it's singular or plural. Second, Cera and the others were too busy starting that rockslide to worry about the source of the fire bolts. Also, just to clarify, if Hakann were to have used his elemental powers with Reidak, which he didn't, it would not have created pure flame but rather a mixture of the two elements (fire and earth, which would be something like lava). Finally, if you think the Toa will defeat the Piraka so easily, you'll be in for a shock when you read the next three chapters.
Also, thanks for the comments and suggestions, Caustizer and LBTDiclonius.
Thanks to the snow day I had this week, I've finished the next chapter, as well as the one after it, but I'll wait another week before I post it. For now, here's the next chapter.
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Chapter 7
More Strange Guests
Shortly after Balta had left, the group headed to the base of the mountains and rested in a small cave. None of the Piraka had found them yet, but they weren't taking any chances.
Piruk then heard a strange growling noise. “What was that?” he asked, looking around in panic.
“Sorry, that was me,” replied Cera. “I'm just hungry, that's all.”
Another growling noise was heard. “I guess we are all hungry,” commented Ducky. “We are, we are.”
“I think it would be a good idea if you could take us to the Green Belt,” said Ruby, “since that place might be the only place on this island where we could find any food.”
“Good enough for me,” said Kazi. “If you guys keep making all that noise, the Piraka are sure to find us.”
“Hey! Not my fault I can't control when I need food,” retorted Cera.
“It will take us some time to get there, so I suggest we also spend the night there,” said Garan. “All of the plant life there will offer plenty of hiding places, but we must still be careful. There is still a strong possibility that one of them will find us, so we should each find some excellent places to hide before we can rest for the night.”
Everyone agreed with each other and they headed for the Green Belt.
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The next morning, the group headed back inland in hopes of finding Balta and possibly Littlefoot as well. The gang couldn't help but notice the dark clouds that covered the sky.
“I find it strange that this is the kind of weather where we would see a lot of sky water, but so far, not even a single drop of sky water has fallen yet,” said Ruby as she stared at the sky. Yesterday, she had been able to see the sun and the stars through the clouds. Today, they were so dark and thick that she didn't even know where the sun was. However, it was something she did see that was very strange. “I can't even see the bright circle through these clouds, but I do see that red star over there.”
When Chomper looked at the red star that Ruby was pointing at, he noticed something rather familiar about it. “Hey, is that the red star we saw back when the Matoran were in our universe?” asked Chomper, curiously.
“It does look like it,” agreed Ducky. “It does, it does.”
This revelation made Ruby think. That red star was seen in the sky in the dinosaur universe only when the Matoran were there, thought Ruby. Takua thought that the red star might have followed the Matoran, but if that star did follow them, then that means it wasn't here at all for a while, so maybe...
“Garan?” asked Ruby. “Did you ever notice anything strange about that red star about a year ago? Did it disappear for a while or something like that?”
Garan shook his head. “No, it's always been there,” replied Garan. “Why would you think that?”
“Because in our universe, we don't have a star like that, but when the Matoran came, so did a red star like that one. We thought that maybe it had followed the Matoran, but if what you said is true, then the red star never followed the Matoran. But if that red star stayed here, where did the red star we saw come from? And where did it go?”
A flash of lightning, immediately followed by a loud clap of thunder, startled the group. “Can we talk about this another time?” asked Cera, annoyed. “Let's just find Littlefoot and Balta so we can figure out what to do next.”
Everyone agreed with her and they headed up into the mountains.
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Eventually, the group reached a small cave on the slope of a mountain. Garan had decided that they would hide within it, while he would occasionally climb atop a nearby overhanging rock ó which offered an excellent view of the surrounding landscape ó and report if he saw any signs of their missing friends.
They waited there for over an hour. Garan climbed atop the rock virtually every minute, but the news was always the same: no sign of Balta or Littlefoot. Eventually, Cera decided to join Garan atop the rock to see for herself if there was a chance their missing friends could be found from there. After a few trips, she concluded that if Balta or Littlefoot had moved anywhere, they would have seen them by now.
Eventually, Garan began to assume the worst. “If they caught our missing friends, they're as good as dead,” said Garan to Cera. “Or worse, they've become more of their mindless workers, laboring amidst the lava. No! I'll die myself before I let that be their fate!”
“Maybe they're just hiding somewhere?” suggested Cera.
Garan shook his head. “The Piraka are not that patient. There would be no need to hide from them in one place for this long.”
“Still no sign?”
Garan and Cera turned to see Dalu approaching. She had already asked numerous times to look for Balta herself, but Garan had always said no, stating that they had to stay together. “No,” replied Garan.
“Then I'm going,” said Dalu with determination. “He's out there, and I'll find him.”
“What about Littlefoot?” asked Cera, surprised that Dalu seemed to care only for Balta.
“I'm sure he and Balta managed to find each other. Balta had promised to find him.”
“And if they're dead?” asked Garan.
“Then I'll avenge them.”
Dalu was about to leave when they saw Piruk rushing up the slope. Garan had asked him minutes ago to scout the area so that they could be sure the Piraka wouldn't catch them by surprise. He was out of breath by the time he reached Garan, Dalu, and Cera. After taking a moment to catch his breath, he exclaimed, “I saw them ó the Piraka! Hakann was in the lead and was carrying someone up to the volcano crater. I think he's going to throw someone into the lava!”
Garan, Dalu, and Cera looked at each other. They were all thinking the same thing: Balta and Littlefoot had been captured and were going to be executed by the Piraka.
“Get the others!” exclaimed Garan to Piruk. “We leave now!”
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Once everyone was aware of what Piruk had seen, they all knew what had to be done. They would have to fight the Piraka to save their friends. But first, they would have to find them.
Piruk quickly led the group to where he had seen the Piraka. “This is where I saw them,” said Piruk. “I also noticed that they were heading towards the volcano, so they must have gone that way.”
“Then let's go,” said Garan with determination. The group quickly followed him as they headed towards the volcano.
After some distance, Chomper suddenly stopped and began sniffing around. Although he remembered the scent of a Matoran, the one he was picking up here was noticeably different. Since they knew the Piraka had come this way, he concluded that this new scent was of the Piraka. However, he noticed the trail didn't lead straight to the volcano. “Guys, wait!” shouted Chomper.
The group immediately stopped and looked back at Chomper. “What is it?” asked Ducky.
“The Piraka aren't going straight to the volcano. They went a little bit to the left.”
“How do you know that?” asked Kazi, skeptically.
“Chomper's sniffer allows him to find someone's scent, which allows him to follow that someone, no matter where they go,” explained Ruby. “It's how we managed to follow Piruk when we first got here.”
“I was wondering how you managed to do that,” mumbled Piruk to himself.
“Then why are the Piraka going that way?” asked Dalu. “I thought they were going to throw someone into the volcano.”
Garan took another look at the volcano and quickly noticed what the answer to Dalu's question might be. “Of course! The slope is too treacherous on this side of the volcano,” explained Garan. “If they're dragging our friends to their doom, they wouldn't want to waste time getting up there, so they decided to head for the smoother slope to the left.”
“Wow, I never thought of that,” commented Cera.
“Lead the way, Chomper.”
Chomper nodded in agreement and sniffed the air some more before running off in the correct direction. Everyone else quickly followed him.
Not long after that, they began to hear a low rumbling, and it wasn't coming from the sky. “Do you hear something?” asked Cera.
As soon as the words left her mouth, the top of the volcano in the distance exploded, raining ash, rock, and lava across its slopes.
“That not good,” commented Petrie.
“Unless of course the Piraka end up getting caught in that eruption,” Kazi pointed out.
“And besides, I don't think we have to worry about our friends,” added Chomper. “My sniffer is telling me that we're not following Littlefoot, and we're not following Balta. So the only scent I smell must be that of the Piraka.” He then took a big whiff of the Piraka's trail and cringed. “And it smells like they haven't taken a bath in a long time!”
“So what you're saying is that whoever the Piraka were carrying up to the volcano was neither Balta nor Littlefoot,” said Piruk. “But I saw them carrying someone, so if it's not our friends, who is it?”
“Speaking of the Piraka, here they come!” exclaimed Ruby, pointing at the base of the volcano in the distance. They could see five Piraka running away from the volcano, and they were heading right for the group's location.
“Quick! Get behind this rock!” exclaimed Garan, guiding everyone to hide behind a massive boulder nearby. Once everyone was safely hidden behind it, they waited about a minute before the Piraka ran right by them. Fortunately, none of the Piraka had bothered to look back, so they didn't even notice the group was there.
“Why they in such a quick-hurry?” asked Petrie. He then looked back at the erupting volcano. “Oh, right, that.”
“Don't worry, we're far enough away to avoid that eruption,” assured Garan.
“What about the ones the Piraka were carrying?” asked Piruk. “I didn't see them when the Piraka ran by us.”
“They probably just left them on the slope and let the eruption deal with them. Anyway, we shouldn't worry about that, anymore. We still need to find our missing friends.”
Everyone agreed with Garan and they left the area, making sure to not go the same direction the Piraka were going.
________
Not long after the group continued their search for their missing friends, Dalu had spotted something off in the distance. “Strangers,” said Dalu. “There, in those rocks ahead. Not Matoran... not Piraka. Toa, maybe?”
More thunder and lightning suddenly flashed throughout the sky. They were starting to get used to the sight and noise of the storm by now, despite unusual the lack of rain and presence of the red star. What was even more strange about that red star, as Ruby had observed, was that much of the lightning seemed to be coming from that star.
Ignoring the storm, Garan turned to the Po-Matoran and asked, “What do you think, Velika?”
Cera rolled her eyes and sighed. “Here we go again,” she grumbled.
“It is said there was once a Rahi who looked up at the stars and believed them to be food belonging to a larger creature,” replied Velika, calmly. “Each night, he would climb the tallest mountain and jump as high as he could, hoping to snatch a star for himself. Finally, he decided it could not be done, and more, that they were not food at all.”
“Is there a point, and can you get to it?” asked Kazi, impatiently. Cera agreed with the Ko-Matoran.
“All proceeded as it must. Until the night the Rahi saw the great red star. That, he decided, must be a wonderful, delicious piece of fruit dangling from some far-off tree. So he climbed the mountain again, and this time he got a running start and jumped with all his might.”
The gang ó besides Cera ó had listened to Velika's story very carefully, although Spike was more interested in the part where the Rahi tries to get some food. They had gotten very curious about how the story would end. “So what happened?” asked Ducky.
Velika seemed as if he had suddenly remembered that there was an ending to the story. “Oh, what happened? What happened, let's see... oh, yes, he went off the cliff and broke every bone in his body.”
The gang was quite shocked to hear such a sad ending. For once in his life, Spike had actually lost his appetite.
Kazi and Cera, on the other hand, were very frustrated at not understanding the point of the story. Kazi immediately began using the old Ko-Matoran trick of counting to himself to prevent an explosion of anger. With Velika, he sometimes reached numbers higher than five million.
Cera, on the other hand, made no effort to control her temper. “Okay, what was the point of that story, anyway!?” exclaimed Cera.
“Even I am not sure what that one means,” admitted Piruk with a shrug.
“The Rahi fooled himself once, and found only frustration,” explained Garan. “But when he fooled himself twice... that was far worse.”
“He's saying they're not Toa,” said Dalu.
Garan shook his head. “No, he's saying we can't take the chance of being wrong again. If they are Toa, we will apologize later, when they recover. For now, ready your weapons ó we attack.”
________
Littlefoot sighed sadly. “How long has it been?” he asked. “Hours? Days?”
“I don't know,” replied Balta as he slumped down to the floor of the cave. “I've lost track of time ever since Vezok tapped us in here.”
Littlefoot and Balta had already tried numerous attempts to move the boulder that blocked the only exit to the cave, but none of them even came close to being successful. Littlefoot wanted to try again, but he was now too weak and exhausted to do so. Once again, he heard his stomach growl loudly, reminding him that it had been a long time since he had eaten anything.
Balta sighed sadly. “He knew we were in here, he just didn't know where, and he wasn't going to go exploring,” said Balta. “There isn't any other way out of here... air's already getting thin... I hope the others escaped, at least...”
Balta closed his eyes and wondered if Dalu and the others were searching for them. Even if they were, it wouldn't matter anymore. They would never be able to move that boulder, even if they all worked together. He doubted that even Garan's Pule Bolts could destroy the boulder quickly enough to save them.
At this point, Littlefoot knew he was starting to get delirious, he just wasn't sure if it was due to starvation or the thin air. He had been laying on the cave floor for a while now. He rested his head on the ground and wondered if this was really going to be his fate.
Littlefoot's thoughts were interrupted when he heard a strange noise through the rock. It was very faint at first, but he quickly noticed it was getting closer. As it got closer, he noticed that it sounded like a tool striking a rock. He looked at the boulder blocking the exit and quickly realized that the strange noise wasn't coming from it. Instead, the noise seemed to be coming from the wall of the cave. “Do you hear that?” asked Littlefoot.
“Hear what?” asked Balta.
Littlefoot stood up and slowly walked along the cave wall, hoping to get a better idea of what that strange noise was. The sound continued to get closer until, suddenly, the cave wall in front of him actually split open with a loud, sharp crack, causing him to jump back in shock. He watched as what appeared to be a massive axe blade sliced through the stone of the cave wall, widening the narrow opening.
Balta was just as shocked to see such a strange sight. “Oh, I get it, we've both lost our minds,” said Balta in disbelief.
The massive axe blade quickly stopped slicing the stone. “Well, what are you waiting for, Naming Day?” said a deep, rumbling voice. “Get out of there!”
Balta got up and followed Littlefoot towards the massive crevice in the cave wall. A tunnel extended well beyond what they could see. Strangely, the entire tunnel looked as if the stone had been cleaved instead of dug through. A huge figure, who held the massive axe they had seen, stood at the opening waiting for them, but it was too dark to see any of his features.
“Go and find a place to hide,” said the massive figure. “The Piraka are in complete control of the island. Next time they spot you, Balta and Littlefoot, they won't trap you... they will kill you.”
“Who are you?” asked Littlefoot.
“And how do you know our names?” asked Balta.
“Let us just say I am a friend,” replied the figure. “A friend who wishes he could do more to help right now, but even my powers are limited. Go! Get your companions and tell them to stay out of the Piraka's way!”
Balta and Littlefoot stepped into the tunnel. Littlefoot was about head up the tunnel when he looked back and noticed Balta wasn't following him. “Come on, Balta!” exclaimed Littlefoot. “Let's go!”
Balta turned to the huge figure and said, “I can do the first, but not the last. They have captured our home, and we will take it back!”
“Then at least stop your friends from making the terrible mistake they will soon make, Balta,” said the massive figure. “Or else, I tell you truly, they will be cursed in the sight of Mata Nui for all time.”
Balta nodded and ran off into the tunnel with Littlefoot close behind. “By the way, Littlefoot, how did you end up separated from your friends?” asked Balta.
“I wanted to spy on the Piraka to see if I could learn something that might help us, so I left the group without telling anyone,” explained Littlefoot. “Right before that rockslide came down, they realized they were being attacked by Toa!”
“Real Toa?”
“I didn't see them myself, but the Piraka certainly looked like they really believed they were being attacked by real Toa.”
“Interesting...” Balta thought about this new information. As he also thought about what “terrible mistake” the massive figure wanted them to prevent, he suddenly realized something. “Oh, no.”
“What is it?”
“Remember how the Piraka fooled us into thinking they were Toa? I fear our friends might not want to get fooled again, which means that when they see the real Toa, they might think they're false Toa and assume they're working with the Piraka.” The two of them stopped for a moment as they finally reached the surface. “Littlefoot, our friends are going to attack the Toa!”
Littlefoot gasped in horror at the idea of such a thing. “We must stop them!” He then ran down the mountainside without waiting for a response from Balta. There was no need to, as Balta was right behind him all the way.
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Read and review, as always. Just so you know, I had originally planned to put the last part of this chapter in the next chapter, but I decided it would be better placed in this chapter instead. Besides, the next chapter is still almost as long as this one, now that I've made that change.
(By the way, this is my 3000th post.)
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Hey hey hey! You got the next chapeter up! Finally, I was beginning to lose hope.
Alright. I didn't notice any mistakes in here, good job on that. :)
So, Littlefoot and Balta are out of the cave, that's good, but who was that person that saved them? Could he be a Toa? Maybe. speaking of that...oh no no no! You aren't suppose to attack the Toa! They're helping you for cryin' out loud! Alrighty, get the next chapter up soon!
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Well, it’s not quite an immediate review, but better thirty hours than a week and nine hours, eh?
Good job on this chapter. I overall enjoyed it (my only gripe being about the first paragraph; I’ll get to that in a moment). As LBTDiclonius stated, it’s impressively error-free! The only one I found was a period missing from the end of this sentence:“By the way, Littlefoot, how did you end up separated from your friends?” asked Balta
I really think the first paragraph would have been better written out in more detail, with dialogue. I felt a little thrown off when I first read it, because the last scene with that group of characters was a rather tense one written from their point of view that felt like it was leading up to a confrontation (or at least a close call) with the Piraka. And then it’s followed by this part, in which any threat they were formerly under feels frankly underemphasized, and details are glossed over. (By the way, do Matoran even have digestive organs, since they just “absorb energy” from food? It occurs to me that there could be an interesting/amusing scene when they hear the gang’s stomachs growl for the first time, if it’s something new to them.)
“Because in our universe, we don't have a star like that, but when the Matoran came, so did a red star like that one. We thought that maybe it had followed the Matoran, but if what you said is true, then the red star never followed the Matoran. But if that red star stayed here, where did the red star we saw come from? And where did it go?”
I just wanted to say that I really liked this line. :lol It’s so…Ruby. It’s also the kind of line that I’d expect would frustrate Kazi. :p
Eventually, the group reached a small cave on the slope of a mountain. Garan had decided that they would hide within it, while he would occasionally climb atop a nearby overhanging rock ó which offered an excellent view of the surrounding landscape ó and report if he saw any signs of their missing friends.
They waited there for over an hour. Garan climbed atop the rock virtually every minute, but the news was always the same: no sign of Balta or Littlefoot. Eventually, Cera decided to join Garan atop the rock to see for herself if there was a chance their missing friends could be found from there. After a few trips, she concluded that if Balta or Littlefoot had moved anywhere, they would have seen them by now.
Eventually, Garan began to assume the worst. “If they caught our missing friends, they're as good as dead,” said Garan to Cera. “Or worse, they've become more of their mindless workers, laboring amidst the lava. No! I'll die myself before I let that be their fate!”
Not technically a mistake, but the phrase “missing friends” is used an awful lot in these three paragraphs.
I was pleased by that one little line from Cera expressing concern for Littlefoot after Dalu mentioned going to find Balta; it’s something she’d be expected to say as a matter of principle in that situation, but still, it’s a hint at Cera’s caring side, which we don’t get enough of in LBT fanfiction. :)
Wow, it didn’t occur to me that tracking by scent would be an alien concept to the Matoran. :! I like that; it’s an advantage the gang have over the creatures in the Matoran universe, which, considering the latter are more durable and physically powerful, the gang need as many of as they can get!
“My sniffer is telling me that we're not following Littlefoot, and we're not following Balta. So the only scent I smell must be that of the Piraka.” He then took a big whiff of the Piraka's trail and cringed. “And it smells like they haven't taken a bath in a long time!”
Another line that amused me. :lol (Do Matoran and other creatures in their world have any sense of smell at all?)
I get the impression that this newcomer is to some extent prophetic, because while the gang and other Matoran don’t seem too concerned that they will severely harm the Toa (if that’s what they are), he implies that their attack will have catastrophic consequences. (By the way, you describe him as “the massive figure” four times; possible repetitiveness issue.)
I don’t really have a problem with the borrowed text this time, since I feel like you’ve done a pretty good job mixing in new, original lines involving the gang. (This could be just a delusion I’m having due to the mind-defectiveness I’ve been experiencing as of late, :wacko but I won’t retract this statement if that turns out to be the case.)
(By the way, this is my 3000th post.)
Congratulations! :D
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Pangaea: Once again, your major gripe of the chapter happens to be something I had not expected at all (don't worry, I mean that as a good thing). I have expanded on that first paragraph. Also, following a scent trail is not an alien concept to Matoran, they just think that only Rahi are capable of such a thing. Also, I recall you once said you were interested in the way Velika spoke, so I was quite surprised you didn't mention what he had to say in that chapter, especially how the gang reacted to it.
Like I said, I've had this chapter done for over a week now, and I think one week is long enough to wait.
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Chapter 8
A Big Mistake
The gang ó minus Littlefoot ó watched from behind some rocks as their Matoran friends fought against the strangers Dalu had spotted. Some of the gang ó mostly Cera ó had wanted to be included in the fight, but Garan had decided against it. Instead, he had asked them to hold back and not attack unless the Matoran were to fall. As a result, all they could do now was watch and hope that nobody would get hurt in this fight. However, it was quickly becoming clear that the Matoran and the strangers weren't the only ones fighting.
“How can you possibly think that they're Toa!?” exclaimed Cera.
“I'm just saying that they don't look like they might be like the Piraka, so maybe they really are Toa,” replied Ruby.
“They don't look like any Toa I've heard of before.”
“Toa have elemental powers, and these strangers do have elemental powers,” said Ruby, pointing out the wall of flame that the red-armored stranger had just created between his group and the Matoran.
“They're not even wearing any masks! Everyone knows that all Toa wear masks, and if these guys don't have any, then that means they're not Toa.”
The rest of the gang ó Ducky, Petrie, Spike, and Chomper ó didn't want to take sides in the argument, so they silently continued to watch their Matoran friends battle the strangers.
Some of the strangers spoke to each other, but the gang couldn't hear them over the roar of the flames. Soon, they heard the blue-armored stranger scream when Dalu used her Chargers against her. Not long after that, the white-armored stranger walked right through the wall of flame ó which the red-armored stranger then doused ó and approach the Matoran.
“Okay, don't tell me that guy is a Toa of Ice, because he just walked right through that wall of fire!” exclaimed Cera.
“I think you might be wrong, Cera, wrong you might be,” countered Ruby as they watched the white-armored stranger encase Piruk, Velika, and Kazi in ice. His next target was Garan, but was then grabbed and held back by the green-armored, the black-armored, and the brown-armored strangers.
The other two strangers ó the red-armored and the blue-armored ones ó had stayed where they were. Apparently, the blue-armored stranger was still affected by Dalu's attack. She then furiously shoved the red-armored stranger away and ran off. The red-armored stranger then got up and followed her.
“That takes care of two of them,” said Cera, confidently.
Meanwhile, the remaining Matoran ó Garan and Dalu ó stood their ground against the strangers. The brown-armored stranger was doing everything he could to hold back the enraged white-armored stranger.
“Who are you?” asked Garan. “And don't try to tell me you are some new kind of Toa. I have heard that one before and it cost me almost all of my friends.”
“Whether you believe it or not does not alter the facts,” replied the black-armored stranger. “We are the Toa Nuva, from the island of Mata Nui.”
Garan scoffed in disbelief. “Toa what? Island of what? Not only are you lying, they are not even good lies! There is no such thing as a Toa Nuva, and no island of Mata Nui exists, or we would know of it.”
“Maybe we should have told these Matoran about the island of Mata Nui,” wondered Ruby aloud.
“You are allies of the Piraka, aren't you, come here to help them subjugate our brothers and sisters?”
“The Piraka are no heart-friends of ours,” pleaded the green-armored stranger. “We have been fighting them.”
“A falling-out among thieves,” accused Dalu. “I say we take them, Garan, starting with Frosty over there.”
As the gang watched, Ruby shook her head in disappointment. “I don't think we are following Velika's advice the way he wanted us to follow his advice,” she said.
“He said that they're not Toa!” argued Cera.
“No! He said that we should not fool ourselves again! We are acting like we are trying not to fool ourselves into thinking they are Toa, but I think we are fooling ourselves into thinking they are not Toa!”
“How many times do I have to say it: they are not Toa!”
Ruby gripped her head in frustration. She was about to scream at the top of her lungs when someone unexpected interrupted the fight.
“Wait! Stop!”
Everyone in the area immediately turned their attention to see Balta and Littlefoot running down the slope as fast as they could. Dalu and Cera smiled at the sight, convinced that they were now likely to win this fight.
“Another one,” grumbled the green-armored stranger. “We are going to spend all day fighting Matoran, while the Piraka wander free.”
“No one is going to fight anyone!” declared Littlefoot.
Balta turned to his friends and said, “You're making a mistake. These aren't our enemies. I am not sure who they are, but I know that a battle now would be a terrible error.”
Garan looked closely at Balta and concluded that his friend wasn't enslaved by the Piraka. He wished he could believe that these maskless strangers could be allies, be he needed more than just the word of his friend. It saddened him to think that he had now become so skeptical, but the arrival of the Piraka had changed a lot of things on Voya Nui.
The black-armored stranger sighed in frustration. He threw down his weapons and removed the silver armor on his chest and shoulders. “There, no mask, no weapons, no extra armor,” declared the black-armored stranger. “I've seen what your Pulse Bolts can do, Matoran, so use one now if you want war so badly. Kill me and my friends, and see if it gets you any anywhere closer to freeing your island from evil.”
Garan looked at the black-armored stranger. If this stranger was a Toa, his black armor showed that he was a Toa of Earth. He had the power to take down the remaining Matoran in one strike, but he was leaving himself open to attack. After thinking about it, Garan nodded and threw down his weapons as well.
“What are you doing!?” protested Dalu.
“What someone had to do,” replied Balta. “We already have a battle on our hands, one that has been thrust upon us. We don't need to go looking for another.”
“I think we have much to talk about,” said the Toa of Earth. “Starting with anything you know about these Piraka, anything that might be a key to defeating them.”
“May we talk in private?” asked Garan. “You may have convinced us you are a Toa, but that doesn't mean that I'll stop being cautious.”
The Toa of Earth nodded in agreement and followed Garan.
“You know, I must agree with Balta, agree with him I must,” stated Ruby as she and the rest of the gang came out from behind the rock, convinced that the battle was now over. “We already have the Piraka as our enemies. We don't need to look for more enemies, especially since the Piraka are already some very tough enemies.”
“Well I'll be,” said the brown-armored stranger ó the Toa of Stone ó in astonishment at seeing the young dinosaurs. He released his hold on the white-armored stranger ó the Toa of Ice, who was now merely annoyed ó and approached the gang. He turned to Littlefoot and asked, “Um, excuse me for asking, but your name wouldn't happen to be Littlefoot, would it?”
“Yes, it is,” replied Littlefoot in confusion. “How did you know my name?”
“The Matoran told us all about you. I must say that I'm quite impressed with everything you and your friends did in that search for the Energy Stones. Anyway, allow me to introduce myself. I am Toa Pohatu, Toa Nuva of Stone.”
“You're Pohatu? You don't look like what the Matoran told us about you.”
“Of course! That was before we were transformed into Toa Nuva. No wonder you don't recognize us.”
“Okay, so if you're Pohatu, then...” he turned to the green-armored stranger, the Toa of Air. “You must be Lewa, right?”
“The one and only!” replied Lewa, cheerfully.
Littlefoot then turned to the Toa of Ice. “And you must be ó”
“Kopaka,” said the Toa of Ice.
Ducky looked at Piruk, Velika, and Kazi ó who were still encased in ice ó with concern. She turned to Kopaka and asked, “Are you going to let them go?”
Kopaka sighed and pointed his weapon at the Matoran. Using his elemental powers, he shattered the ice encasements, freeing the Matoran without any harm.
As soon as they got up, Balta held up his hands and said, “Lower your weapons. They really are Toa.”
The three freed Matoran noticed that the fight had clearly ceased, so they nodded in agreement.
Littlefoot then looked over at the Toa of Earth, who was quietly speaking with Garan. “And that Toa over there must be Onua, right?” asked Littlefoot.
“That's right,” replied Pohatu.
“And the other two Toa... the blue one must have been Gali, and the red one was Tahu, right?”
“Wow, you certainly are as brilliant as the legends claim,” praised Pohatu as he lightly patted Littlefoot on the head in approval.
“Speaking of those two Toa, where are they?” asked Chomper.
Lewa looked around and simply shrugged.
Ducky turned to Dalu and asked, “Dalu, what did you do to Gali?”
Dalu look down at the ground in shame. “I... all I did was enhance her sight to an unbearable level. It should have worn off quickly, but I didn't think she would go mad from it.”
“Tahu went after her,” stated Kopaka. “I'm sure he'll find her.”
“I'm not so sure about that,” said Lewa with concern. “We must seek-find them!”
“There will be no need for that, Lewa.” The gang and the Toa turned to see Tahu and Gali approaching them. “Seeing as the fighting has ceased, I assume the Matoran are now convinced that we are on their side,” said Tahu.
“Indeed they are,” confirmed Pohatu. “And more than that, it seems that we have some more unexpected allies as well.” He gestured towards the young dinosaurs.
“Mata Nui,” said Gali in awe. “How did you young ones end up so far from your home?”
“We still haven't been able to figure that out yet,” replied Littlefoot.
“Gali, how are you suddenly not mad-crazy anymore?” asked Lewa in confusion.
“I had a little help from a being who held a large axe,” replied Gali.
“Hey, that's the same guy who saved me and Balta!” exclaimed Littlefoot. “We were trapped in a cave and he dug us out.”
“I still find it hard to believe he dug that whole tunnel using only his axe,” commented Balta.
Petrie, who was sitting on Cera's back, noticed that Cera had been silent ever since Littlefoot and Balta had arrived. “You okay, Cera?” asked Petrie with concern.
“Don't talk to me,” grumbled Cera.
“What's wrong with her?” asked Gali.
“Cera is usually too proud to admit when she is wrong,” replied Ruby, “and she was very convinced that you were not Toa.”
“Sounds a lot like our fire-brother here,” joked Lewa.
“I already told you, I've grown past that behavior,” retorted Tahu.
Garan and Onua approached the group of Matoran, Toa, and young dinosaurs. “I have had a little talk with the leader of these Matoran, and he has agreed to help us,” said Onua.
“That's great to hear,” said Pohatu. “So where do we go next?”
Littlefoot's stomach growled loudly again, catching everyone's attention. Littlefoot looked at everyone in embarrassment and said, “Sorry. I'm starving after being trapped in that cave for so long. Can we go to the Green Belt and continue to talk there?”
“That might be a good idea,” replied Garan. “While you and your friends are eating, the rest of us will talk about how we can strike back at the Piraka.”
Tahu nodded in agreement and said, “Good enough for me. Lead the way.”
Garan nodded and led the group towards the nearest part of the Green Belt.
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Read and review, as always. I've already made some progress on the next chapter, and since I have the week off, I'm hoping to have it done by next week.
Here are the images of the characters first seen in this chapter:
Tahu Nuva (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/8/84/CGI_Toa_Nuva_Tahu_Pose.png) (movie version) (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/3/3c/MoL_Tahu_Nuva_Magma_Sword.PNG)
Gali Nuva (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/0/03/CGI_Toa_Nuva_Gali_Pose.png) (movie version) (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/2/2d/Movie_Gali_Nuva.PNG)
Lewa Nuva (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/5/57/CGI_Toa_Nuva_Lewa_Pose.png) (movie version) (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/b/be/MoL_Lewa_Flying.PNG)
Kopaka Nuva (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/6/60/CGI_Toa_Nuva_Kopaka_Pose.png) (movie version) (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/7/7d/Kopaka_Nuva.png)
Pohatu Nuva (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/4/41/CGI_Toa_Nuva_Pohatu_Pose.png) (movie version) (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/9/96/MoL_Pohatu_Nuva.PNG)
Onua Nuva (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/8/8a/CGI_Toa_Nuva_Onua_Pose.png) (movie version) (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/a/a3/MoL_Onua.PNG)
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Hello, hello! Thanks for the chapter.
No grammer mistakes or spelling as far as this eye goes. ;)
So they were Toa, ha! I was right. Ha, good ol' Cera, alway's sticking to her pride. When will she learn? :rolleyes:
Awesome chapter! Get the next one up soon please! :)
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I'll make sure to post my reviews within the next day or so. Being sick and in the time of midterms has slowed me down a lot.
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Wow, it feels like such a short time since you posted the last chapter. :!
I enjoyed this one; not only was it short and easy to review, :p but I liked the dialogue and that everything turned out okay in the end. (The title made me worry that that wouldn’t be the case.)
I’m liking the Toa more than I expected. I’d imagined them as being almost godlike in their powers, and so experienced and jaded that they’d be stoic and unflappable. These fallible, vincible, and sometimes slightly argumentative characters are much more interesting and entertaining. :D
I think my favorite part of the chapter was the scene where Cera was in a bad mood due to being proven wrong, and the Toa’s comments on it. :lol
It seems a little strange that the Matoran and Cera became so certain that the strangers are not Toa so quickly, but since you based it on the book and we know Cera to be vehement with her opinions, I’m not going to be hard on you about it. ;)
I did find a few errors, though some of them are debatable and/or easy to miss:
However, it was soon becoming clear that the Matoran and the strangers weren't the only ones fighting.
This use of the word “soon” doesn’t sound right to me. At the moment I’m at a loss for words to describe specifically why, but suffice to say that I think it’s a different tense from “was becoming”. I’d suggest either removing “soon” or changing this to “soon became” or “was quickly becoming”.
Not long after that, the white-armored stranger then proceeded to walk right through the wall of flame ó which the red-armored stranger then doused ó and approach the Matoran.
Most of the highlighted text is redundant or otherwise unnecessary. It should be changed to simply “walked”.
“Okay, don't tell me that guy is a Toa of Ice, because he just walked right through that wall of fire!” exclaimed Cera.
Not necessarily a mistake, but I’m a little confused here. Wouldn’t the fact that Kopaka walked through the fire be evidence that he is a Toa? It sounds like Cera is saying that it isn’t. Or is she just in denial and implying that she refuses to take it as evidence?
“A falling-out among thieves,” accused Dalu. “I say we take them, Garan, starting with frosty over there.”
Since Dalu is using “frosty” as a name, I think it should be capitalized.
“Hey, that's the same being who saved me and Balta!” exclaimed Littlefoot.
“Being” doesn’t strike me as a word that Littlefoot would be likely to use. (Not as a noun, anyway.)
I have no problems with the borrowed text. I’m pleased by how much of the text in this chapter is original. I also like that, while part of the book is apparently told from the Toa’s point of view in addition to the Matoran’s, in your version we only get the Matoran’s side of the story. As a result, it feels much more like it’s the gang we’re following, seeing everything from their perspective.
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Both chapters are pretty good, and I like how we are seeing more of the gang in the story now then we were before. Having some actual Toa show up certainly adds some rocks to the mix, and tilts the scales a bit more in the direction of the good guys.
I still find though that there are a ton of names flying around that I don't totally recognize, and there isn't much description of the bionicle characters both emotionally and physically so how it ends up is a single word is the only thing seperating (for instance) Garan, Piruk and Kazi in my mind which can prove to be taxing.
A simple line like 'flexed his silver skin' or 'the clanking armour plates' can add some life to a character beyond just He said: X, He ran, He jumped, etc.
Keep writing and I'll keep reviewing... eventually :angel
Caustizer
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Pangaea: I'm glad that you find the Toa to be much better than what you had expected. (As far as other Toa go, the Toa Nuva are about as close as you're gonna get to what you had once expected Toa to be.) To answer your question on Cera not believing Kopaka was a Toa, she specifically said "Toa of Ice," and he had walked through fire, and we all know what happens when ice meets fire. She had assumed that no being of Ice, not even a Toa, could have done that.
Caustizer: Sorry that I've been using names without much descriptions. I guess that's something I'll need to work on.
I am very glad to finally have this chapter done. Yes, it is the longest chapter I have ever written (about four times longer than a typical chapter, and nearly twice as long as the previous record: chapter 34 of my previous story). The reason it's so long is that it basically bridges the gap between this story and the previous one, explaining everything that has happened in the Matoran universe since the end of the previous story. What makes me very glad to have this chapter done is that I will now be able to freely talk about the first five years of Bionicle without having to worry about giving away any possible spoilers. For a basic summary of those events, just read on.
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Chapter 9
Catching Up
When the group of Matoran, Toa, and young dinosaurs reached the Green Belt, Littlefoot didn't waste any time to start feasting on the various leaves and plants. There were no treestars at all on the island, as stated by the Matoran, but that didn't bother him at all. The rest of his friends weren't nearly as hungry as he was, but they also helped themselves to some food.
Meanwhile, the Matoran told the Toa Nuva about everything that had happened on the island ever since the Piraka arrived. The Toa listened carefully, hoping to hear something that could help them defeat the Piraka. By the time Littlefoot had finally finished eating, the Matoran had just finished telling their story to the Toa. Now it was time to decide on what they would do next.
“Okay, I'll admit it,” said Cera, finally. “I was wrong. You guys really are Toa. But one thing I'd like to know is what happened to your masks?”
“The Piraka must have stolen them after they defeated us,” replied Tahu.
“Wait, the Piraka actually defeated you!?” asked Littlefoot, surprised.
“Hard to believe, but yes,” replied Lewa. “And worse, the black one even snap-broke one of my Air Katana!” He held up his remaining weapon to prove his point.
Ruby sighed. “How can we hope to defeat the Piraka if the Piraka can defeat even the Toa Nuva?” she wondered, sadly.
“I don't know, but one thing is certain,” said Onua. “If we don't get our masks back, we might not stand any chance against the Piraka.”
“I think our only hope of succeeding is for all of us to work together,” said Garan. “We'll help you get your masks back, and you'll help us defeat the Piraka once and for all.”
“Then we have a deal,” said Tahu.
Garan nodded. “It seems we have no choice. How do you suggest we strike at the Piraka?”
“Simple,” replied Lewa. “They are out track-hunting for us. So while they are scattered and searching, we attack their base and take back our Toa masks.”
“That makes sense to me,” said Ruby. “They would certainly want to keep your masks in a place where they think you would never be able to get them, and that place can only be their stronghold.”
“What if they're leading us into a trap?” asked Dalu.
“I'm trusting you to make sure that doesn't happen,” replied Garan. “Let's go. The Piraka stronghold is a long journey from here, and there is no telling what we might face along the way.”
Not long after their journey began, Littlefoot decided to take the opportunity to find out what had happened to the Matoran of the island of Mata Nui since the events of one year ago. “Since this will be a long journey, maybe you Toa can tell us about everything that has happened since we last saw the Matoran,” suggested Littlefoot.
“That sounds like a great idea, Littlefoot,” said Pohatu. “Not to mention the Matoran with us right now might be interested as well. Now let's see... where do we begin?”
“The best place to start a story is at the beginning, so why don't you start at the beginning of your story?” suggested Ruby.
“I suppose that makes sense. Alright, our story begins with our arrival on the shores of Mata Nui. We arrived inside large canisters, which I guess you could say are long, round, metal containers that are made for Toa to ride inside. Anyway, we all landed separately, close to our respective villages. The strange thing was that, aside from our own names, none of us had any memories at all.”
“No memories at all?” asked Chomper. “You couldn't remember anything?”
“Not a thing,” replied Onua. “Fortunately, we all managed to find the Turaga of our villages, who explained everything to us. Our first task was for each of us to collect all six of the Great Kanohi masks. In other words, in addition to the mask of strength that I had, I had to find a mask of speed, shielding, levitation, x-ray vision, and water breathing.”
“So the masks you wore when you arrived were like your starting masks, and each of you had to find the rest of them?” asked Littlefoot.
“Exactly!” replied Pohatu.
“At first, none of us were interested in working together,” continued Gali, “but as the Rahi attacks got worse, we eventually decided that our best chance of finding all of our masks was to work together. Meanwhile, your old friend, Takua, went on some adventures of his own.”
“Really?” asked Littlefoot. “How much did he tell you about us?”
“Not much, actually,” replied Pohatu. “Though I have heard rumors that right after he gathered the Toa Stones that summoned us to the island, he got a bad case of amnesia and lost all of his memories.”
“You mean... Takua does not even remember us anymore?” asked Ducky with sadness. The rest of the gang was also just a sad to hear such a thing.
“For a while, yes, that was the case,” replied Tahu. “But once he got around to reading the part on the Wall of History about your legend, he wouldn't stop talking about you guys.”
The gang smiled at hearing that Takua had remembered them after all.
“Anyway, back to the story,” continued Pohatu. “While I and the other Toa searched for our masks, Takua traveled across the island and helped the villages with problems they had, many of them related to Rahi attacks. These heroic actions convinced the Turaga to name him Chronicler, a title which I think he already explained to you back when he was in your universe. Anyway, we had eventually collected all of our masks, which then granted us a golden Kanohi mask that had the powers of all the masks we had collected. Our next task was to enter Makuta's lair and defeat him. Takua had gathered Matoran from every village to defend the entrance, the Kini-Nui temple, so that the Rahi wouldn't trap us inside. After facing many challenges, we were successful.”
“You actually defeated Makuta?” asked Cera, uncertain if that was the whole story. “Then what are you doing here? And how are you now Toa Nuva or whatever it is you are?”
“Don't worry, that was only the beginning of the whole story,” replied Pohatu. “Not long after that, we were faced with a new threat to the Matoran: the Bohrok.”
Lewa shuddered at the mention of that word. “Bad memories,” he muttered.
“What's a Bohrok?” asked Chomper.
“They're insectoid machines with the sole purpose of destroying everything on the island,” explained Onua. “They're powered by a mask-like creature called a Krana, which grant Bohrok abilities much like our masks do. However, if a Matoran or Toa was to wear a Krana like a Kanohi, then he would end up behaving like a Bohrok, with the objective of destroying everything.”
“Please don't remind me,” said Lewa.
“What's wrong, Lewa?” asked Littlefoot. “Did something bad happen to you when you fought the Bohrok?”
“The worst that you could have imagined. I went to quick-check my village and when I got there, everyone ó including Turaga Matau ó had their masks replaced with Krana! They then replaced my mask with a Krana, too.”
“That sounds terrible!” exclaimed Ducky. “It does, it does.”
“How you get free from Krana?” asked Petrie.
“I rescued him,” replied Onua. “After that, the rest of Le-Koro was freed, thanks to Takua and Nuparu, who had invented a machine made out of parts of disabled Bohrok that allowed the Matoran to fight back against the Bohrok.”
“Wow, I guess Nuparu finally managed to build something that could help the Matoran, like he had always wanted to,” commented Chomper.
“Eventually, Kopaka discovered the nest of the Bohrok,” continued Pohatu. “We all decided that the only way to stop the Bohrok for good would be to attack them in their nest. It turned out the only way to do that was to defeat the Bahrag, the two leaders of the Bohrok. It wasn't easy, but by combining our powers, we successfully trapped them.”
“However, we had one more surprise in store for us,” said Onua. “As soon as we had trapped the Bahrag, the floor gave way and we ended up inside massive containers of Energized Protodermis, a very rare kind of Protodermis that will either transform you or destroy you. Fortunately for us, destiny was on our side and we were transformed into the Toa Nuva that we are to this day. Not only did we get new masks, weapons, and armor, but also our elemental powers were enhanced and our mask powers could now cover multiple people as opposed to just the user.”
“So that's what makes a Toa Nuva different from a regular Toa,” said Garan, now with a better understanding of what these Toa were like.
“With that much power, I'm even more surprised the Piraka managed to defeat you,” said Littlefoot.
“Believe me, this isn't the first time we've felt so powerless,” said Tahu. “The best example came shortly after we became Toa Nuva. You see, when we were transformed into Toa Nuva, a symbol for each of us appeared in our villages. None of us realized how important they were to us until they got stolen. When that happened, we lost our elemental powers.”
“You lost your elemental powers!?” asked Dalu in disbelief.
“Hard to believe, but yes, that's exactly what happened,” replied Lewa. “We eventually found out who it was that stole our symbols: the Bohrok-Kal.”
“More Bohrok?” asked Cera, skeptically. “I thought you had already stopped them.”
“We did,” explained Onua, “but the Bohrok-Kal were an elite squad of Bohrok with the goal of freeing the Bahrag so that the Bohrok swarms could finish their job.”
“When we found out, we tried to stop them,” continued Pohatu. “But without our elemental powers, we were obviously doomed to fall. But we didn't let that one defeat stop us. Since our mask powers still worked, we decided to collect the Kanohi Nuva, much like we had done when we had collected our original masks. Eventually, the Bohrok-Kal found the cave where we had trapped the Bahrag and attempted to use our symbols to free them.”
“By that point, we had run out of options,” continued Tahu. “I had no choice but to take a very big risk and use a mask that had just been given to me by Turaga Vakama: the Kanohi Vahi, the Legendary Mask of Time. Since time is one of the most powerful forces in the universe, I knew that it was a power that would be extremely difficult for me to control, but I had no choice. I struggled with its powers, but I managed to slow down time around the Bohrok-Kal, essentially freezing them in place.”
“Unfortunately, they had just created a barrier that prevented us from stopping them, despite the slowing of time,” continued Gali. “But the use of the Vahi had bought me enough time to figure out that there was a way we could stop them. We reached out to our symbols and forced our elemental energies into the Bohrok-Kal. They were quickly overloaded and destroyed by their own powers.”
“As a result of our victory, the Bahrag remain trapped, along with the rest of the Bohrok swarms,” continued Pohatu. “An era of peace followed our victory. During that time, the Turaga held a Naming Day celebration to honor the Matoran who helped in the defense against the Rahi and Bohrok.”
“What's a Naming Day?” asked Littlefoot. “Is it like a starday?”
The Matoran looked at each other in confusion at what Littlefoot had just mentioned. The Toa were also confused at first, but then remembered what the Matoran of Mata Nui had told them. “We don't celebrate stardays,” explained Onua, “mostly because nobody knows the exact day that any of us were even created. Naming Day is when one or a few Matoran are honored for their deeds by having their names changed. This particular Naming Day honored Jaller, Hewkii, and Macku. Their names still sound the same as their old ones, they're just spelled differently.”
“But that's not all that happened that day,” added Pohatu. “The Turaga also announced that they had discovered the secret that allowed them to rebuild the Matoran into slightly taller, stronger forms. It turns out that Makuta was responsible for giving them the smaller forms they had when you met them.”
“Stunning,” said Garan as he shook his head. “According to Littlefoot and his friends, none of those Matoran ever carried tools like these.” He held up his Pulse Bolt Generators. “I'm surprised those Matoran have been able to survive for so long without the kind of power we have. Personally, I'll take my Pulse Bolts over a little extra muscle any day.”
“Following those events,” continued Pohatu, “the Turaga decided to celebrate the time of peace by holding a Kolhii tournament, which is basically a series of Kolhii games with teams representing each of the villages. Matches were played in all the villages, with the top three teams competing in the final match, known as the championship match. The winner of that match would be declared the winner of the tournament. By the way, the way they played Kolhii in that tournament was different from what you kids are familiar with. It's a newer version that was inspired by Hewkii's actions during a Bohrok invasion. The rules are mostly the same, except players also use a staff that has a hammer on one end and a scoop on the other.”
“That sounds like fun!” commented Chomper.
“Who won the championship?” asked Ruby.
“The teams that made it to the championship match were Hewkii and Hafu of Po-Koro, Hahli and Macku of Ga-Koro, and Jaller and Takua of Ta-Koro,” replied Pohatu. “It was a close match between Po-Koro and Ga-Koro, but the winning point and the championship ultimately went to Ga-Koro. But just as the Kolhii match had finished, we all found out that Jaller and Takua had made an amazing discovery. Right before the match, they had found the Mask of Light, a mask that belonged to a seventh Toa; a Toa of Light.”
“A seventh Toa?” asked Cera, looking at all of the Toa that were in their group. “How come there's only six of you here?”
“We had asked him to stay behind to protect the Matoran while we're away,” replied Tahu. “Besides, the only way we could safely get here was to ride in more of those canisters that had taken us to Mata Nui in the first place, but there were only six of them.”
“Anyway, with the discovery of that mask, Jaller and Takua journeyed across the island to find the seventh Toa,” continued Pohatu. “You see, while we had simply arrived on the island, the seventh Toa had to be found. However, Makuta had returned and sent out his sons, the Rahkshi, to stop them. I and the other Toa did everything we could to stop the Rahkshi. They were very tough foes and they even destroyed some of the villages in the process, but we always managed to hold them back. That is, until we got to Kini-Nui.”
“What happen at Kini-Nui?” asked Petrie.
“We finally managed to defeat the Rahkshi, but one of them slipped by us and attacked Takua. That Rahkshi was about to finish him off when Jaller jumped in the way.”
“You mean Jaller is...?” asked Ducky.
“Yes, that was a fatal attack that Jaller took for Takua,” replied Pohatu, solemnly.
The gang hung their heads in sadness at hearing that one of their Matoran friends was dead.
“It was thanks to Jaller's sacrifice that Takua realized what had to be done. By placing the Mask of Light on his face, he transformed into the seventh Toa, and renamed himself Takanuva, the Toa of Light.”
“Wow, Takua is now a Toa,” said Littlefoot in awe, even though he was still saddened to hear that Jaller was dead ó or so he thought.
“Once he became a Toa, Takanuva assembled a vehicle that would allow him to quickly enter Makuta's lair,” continued Pohatu. “However, he insisted that he go alone, despite the fact that it was by working together that we defeated the Rahkshi. Despite our pleas, he left to face Makuta on his own, but he was followed by Hahli, who had decided to become the new Chronicler, now that Takanuva was a Toa. He sent her back to summon us to witness the battle that took place. Apparently, Makuta was so confident that he would win that he decided to not use any of his powers and instead play a rather deadly version of Kolhii, with the goal of trying to hit each other. After a long struggle, Takanuva finally managed to hit Makuta, but he didn't stay down for long. It seemed there would be no way to truly defeat Makuta, until Takanuva discovered a weakness and removed Makuta's mask, right before they both fell into a pool of Energized Protodermis.”
“The same stuff that turned you into Toa Nuva?” asked Chomper.
“Yes,” replied Onua. “The being that emerged was neither Takanuva nor Makuta, but a fusion of the two. A being that was half light and half shadow. The being decided to open the massive gate to what we had believed would lead us to awakening the Great Spirit, Mata Nui. As we all passed through the gateway, the being stopped Hahli and used Jaller's mask to revive him.”
“You mean Jaller is not dead anymore and is now alive again?” asked Ruby, surprised.
“Indeed he is,” replied Lewa with a smile on his face, proving that he was being honest.
The gang cheered at hearing that Jaller wasn't dead after all.
“But reviving Jaller had weakened the being so much that he could no longer hold up the massive gate, causing it to crush him,” continued Pohatu. “When the dust cleared, only Takanuva stood before us. We still believe to this day that Makuta had been killed in that event. Anyway, at the end of the tunnel behind the gate, we rediscovered the original home of the Matoran: the island city of Metru Nui.”
“Metru Nui?” asked Littlefoot, curious. “Island city? What's a city?”
“You young ones are barely familiar with what a village is, so I'm not sure if you would be able to understand what a city is like,” admitted Gali.
“Still, it's worth a shot,” said Onua. He then turned to the young dinosaurs. “Try to think if as a village, but much bigger. The structures are much bigger, and made of much tougher materials. Also, there are so many of those massive buildings that the entire island is covered with them. I've heard that your home, the Great Valley, is just a little smaller than Metru Nui, so that should give you an idea of what our home is like.”
“That sounds like an interesting kind of place,” said Littlefoot. “Do you think you can take us there?”
“Maybe after we have finished our mission here,” replied Tahu.
“If there are so many of these ëbuildings’ on Metru Nui, does that mean there are not many places where plants grow?” asked Ruby.
“Remember, Matoran absorb their energy in a different way than what you dinosaurs do, so plant life is not as necessary to them as it is to you,” replied Onua.
“To continue our story,” said Pohatu, “after we made it back to the surface, the Matoran began building boats that would take us all back to Metru Nui, which was supposedly the first requirement to awaken the Great Spirit. Not long after we had rediscovered Metru Nui, Turaga Vakama revealed an incredible secret: a thousand years ago, he and the other Turaga were once Toa!”
“Them? Toa?” asked Cera in disbelief.
“Matoran may not age like dinosaurs do, but it seems their stages of life are rather similar,” said Onua. “A Matoran can transform into a Toa, much like kids grow into adults, and a Toa can transform into a Turaga, much like how an adult eventually grows elderly. Unlike dinosaurs, going from once stage of life to the next is not inevitable for a Matoran, but like dinosaurs, there is no going back to the previous stage.”
“So that means that every Turaga was once a Toa, and every Toa was once a Matoran?” asked Littlefoot.
“As far as I know, yes.”
“Vakama told us everything that had happened back when he and the other Turaga were Toa,” continued Pohatu. “Back when they were Matoran, Metru Nui had only one Toa: a Toa of Fire named Lhikan. One day, he sensed the city was in danger, so he transferred his Toa Energies into six Toa Stones and gave them to a Matoran from each district of the city: Nokama of Ga-Metru, Onewa of Po-Metru, Nuju of Ko-Metru, Whenua of Onu-Metru, Matau of Le-Metru, and Vakama of Ta-Metru. Soon after delivering that last Toa Stone to Vakama, Lhikan was captured by two Dark Hunters.”
“Who are the Dark Hunters?” asked Ruby. “I heard that the Piraka used to be among the Dark Hunters.”
“They are an organization of criminals and outcasts who will do any dirty task they are told to do, if they are offered a good amount of pay,” replied Tahu.
“In other words, they are bad people who have done bad things and will do more of them as long as it rewards them well,” explained Garan in a way that the young dinosaurs would understand.
“Despite this problem, the six Matoran did as they were told and went to the Great Temple in Ga-Metru with their Toa Stones,” continued Pohatu. “It was there that they were transformed into the Toa Metru. It was difficult for them to get used to the fact that they were now Toa, but they knew they had no choice but to accept it. Their first task was to save the city from the Morbuzakh, a system of massive vines that were able to quickly destroy anything they could grab onto. Nothing had been able to stop it so far, and the Toa Metru found out that the only way they could was to find and use the Great Disks.”
“What are the Great Disks?” asked Ducky.
“First of all, the disks used on Metru Nui, also known as Kanoka, are much different from the kind used on Mata Nui that you are probably familiar with,” explained Onua. “Like Kanohi, Kanoka also have special abilities, but they can only be used if they hit the target at a very fast speed, which is why the Matoran of Metru Nui used specially designed launchers to make sure their Kanoka always worked. Determining the exact powers of a Kanoka is rather complicated, so I'll save that explanation for another time, but the important thing is that all Kanohi are made out of one or more Kanoka, with a certain combination of disks creating a certain mask.” Realizing how complicated such an explanation was becoming, he asked, “Are you understanding any of this?”
“I think so,” replied Littlefoot.
“Well, put simply, the Great Disks were the most powerful Kanoka of all,” said Pohatu. “There was one in each of the six Metru, but they were hidden in places that only a Toa could reach. Also, there was a Matoran from each district who knew the locations of the Great Disks, but they had reasons to keep them for themselves, and one of them even planned to betray all the others. The Toa Metru knew they had to find these Matoran if they were to find the Great Disks, which turned out to be easier said than done.”
“So who was the traitor?” asked Cera.
“It was the Po-Matoran, Ahkmou,” replied Kopaka.
“Regardless, the Toa needed all of those Matoran to find the Great Disks,” continued Pohatu. “They split up into three teams so that they could quickly find the disks and still be able to fight off any threats. Eventually, they successfully retrieved all six of the Great Disks. Now they had to destroy the Morbuzakh by using the disks on the King Root. The Morbuzakh was not at all like any other plant, one example being that the King Root lived in one of the hottest places in Metru Nui, the Great Furnace in Ta-Metru, and was even capable of speaking. After a long battle, the Toa used the powers of the Great Disks together, which ultimately destroyed the King Root, taking the rest of the Morbuzakh vines with it. Having succeeded in their first great quest, the Toa Metru then headed for the Coliseum to show the Matoran that they were heroes.”
“What is the Coliseum?” asked Ruby.
“It's the tallest building in Metru Nui, can't miss it,” replied Lewa. “Like Kini-Nui on Mata Nui, the Coliseum is in the center of the city and is where all the Matoran gather for grand events.”
“Wow, I bet all of the Matoran were proud of the Toa!” exclaimed Chomper.
“Sadly, that was not the case,” said Pohatu. “The only Turaga of Metru Nui, Turaga Dume, had been acting strange lately, which was why he did not believe them to be Toa, even though they had the Great Disks. Instead, he asked them to prove themselves by crossing an area with constantly shifting ground. They tried their best, but they were still weak after their recent battles, and they still hadn't learned how to use their mask powers, so they inevitably failed. Due to the failure, Turaga Dume declared them impostors and even went as far as to blame them for the disappearance of Toa Lhikan.”
“What!?” exclaimed Petrie in disbelief. “How anyone not believe they Toa-heroes?”
“Back then, the Matoran had absolute trust in their Turaga, so they always agreed with anything he said,” replied Tahu. “Not even when the two Dark Hunters who had captured Lhikan showed themselves did anyone believe the Toa Metru.”
“To enforce his statement, Turaga Dume sent out Vahki, machines with the sole purpose of keeping order in the city, to capture the Toa,” continued Pohatu. “They captured Nuju, Onewa, and Whenua, but Vakama, Nokama, and Matau managed to get away. The three escaped Toa traveled practically all over Metru Nui until they decided that the only way to clear their names would be to find Lhikan. They eventually found out that they had to go to Po-Metru, and along the way, Nokama and Matau discovered their mask powers. Meanwhile, the three captured Toa were locked in a prison cell ó think of it like being trapped in a cave ó where they met a Turaga who helped them discover their mask powers, which they used to escape. The two groups eventually met up with each other, at which point the Turaga revealed himself to be Lhikan.”
“Wait a minute, I thought he was a Toa,” said Cera in confusion.
“He was,” explained Onua. “But he had to sacrifice his Toa Energy into the Toa Stones that the Toa Metru were given. When they were transformed into Toa, he was transformed into a Turaga, as it must happen when a Toa sacrifices his Toa Energy.”
“Although the Toa were glad to have found Lhikan,” continued Pohatu, “he was disappointed that they had not done what he had wanted them to do, and that was to save the Matoran.”
“Save them from what?” asked Ducky.
“Lhikan wasn't sure what it was, but knew something very bad would happen to the Matoran. However, he and the Toa soon discovered a large metal sphere, kind of like the canisters meant for Toa. They looked inside and found the real Turaga Dume, who was under an endless sleep due to being placed inside that sphere.”
“If that was the real Turaga Dume, then who was the fake Turaga Dume?” asked Ruby.
“Not even Lhikan knew who the impostor was, but he and the Toa now knew they had to stop the false Turaga Dume. By the time they made it to the Coliseum, they were too late. Every Matoran in Metru Nui had been placed in metal spheres, as ordered by the false Turaga Dume. Like the real Turaga Dume, the Matoran all fell into an endless sleep. When the Toa Metru encountered the false Turaga Dume, he revealed himself to be Makuta.”
“I should've known that it was him,” said Cera.
“His plan was to have the Matoran sleep in those spheres long enough to erase their memories,” said Tahu, “and once they reawakened, he would declare himself the Great Spirit instead of Mata Nui.”
“So that's what Makuta wanted all along,” said Littlefoot in realization. “I've been wondering why he has done all of these bad things.”
“At the moment of that revelation, a massive earthquake shook the entire Matoran universe,” continued Pohatu. “The Toa Metru had no choice but to flee Metru Nui. They grabbed a few of the spheres and loaded them onto a vehicle in hopes of getting at least a few Matoran out to safety. Fortunately, their vehicle was able to float on the water, allowing them to make their escape. Along the way, Vakama had managed to fuse all six of the Great Disks together and, using his skills as an excellent mask maker, forged it into the Vahi.”
“So that's where that mask came from,” said Chomper in realization.
“Oh, I forgot to mention something about Metru Nui's location that you kids might have trouble understanding,” interjected Onua. “I suppose a good way of explaining it to you is to think of it as being located inside a very massive cavern. One that is so huge that the walls and ceiling are too far away to see, so huge that it has its own day and night cycle like what you see on the surface. The reason why I bring this up is because the only way the Toa Metru could escape was to find a way through the wall of that massive cavern.”
“Exactly,” said Pohatu. “Eventually, they did find a way through, but Makuta stood in their way. Vakama decided to use the Vahi against Makuta, but he failed to control it properly, causing him to slow down time for both Makuta and himself. There was nothing Vakama could do to stop an attack from Makuta, so Lhikan took the lethal blow.”
None of the gang needed to ask to know what had happened to Lhikan.
“Worry not, for Lhikan's spirit lives on,” said Lewa. “You see, before he finally passed, he gave his mask to Vakama, who later gave it to Jaller. So the mask you have seen Jaller wear is the same one that was worn by Lhikan.”
The gang was amazed to hear that what they had once thought was just another mask turned out to be a very special mask, one that was once worn by a great Toa.
“After Lhikan's passing, Vakama finally discovered his mask power, and used it to defeat Makuta,” continued Gali. “The rest of the Toa showed up and, together, they combined their powers to trap Makuta, much like we had done with the Bahrag.”
“So if they trapped Makuta, how did he get free from that trap?” asked Ruby.
“I'll get to that part eventually,” replied Pohatu. “Anyway, the Toa Metru traveled through a long tunnel until they reached the surface and discovered the island of Mata Nui. There, they searched the island for excellent locations for the villages they would later build for the Matoran. They also decided to prepare a backup plan by transferring some of each of their Toa Energy into a Toa Stone and hiding them throughout the island.”
“And those are the same Toa Stones that Takua collected to bring you and the other Toa Nuva to Mata Nui,” finished Littlefoot.
Pohatu chuckled and said, “You never cease to amaze me. After getting familiar with what would be their new home for a thousand years, the Toa Metru knew they had to go back to Metru Nui to rescue the rest of the Matoran. After another long journey, they returned to the city and realized for the first time how much damage the massive earthquake had done to it. Not only was the city in ruin, but it had also been overrun by nasty creatures called Visorak.”
“What's a Visorak?” asked Chomper.
“They are large spider-like creatures, I think you call them many-legged crawlers, or something like that,” explained Onua. “They can make webs, like ordinary spiders, just much larger ones. What makes them very nasty is their venom, which has ability to mutate creatures into things comparable to monsters. Definitely not the kind of creature you would want to run into.”
“Did the Toa Metru run into some of them?” asked Littlefoot.
“Unfortunately, yes,” replied Pohatu. “They were on their way to the Coliseum to rescue the Matoran when they were attacked and captured by some Visorak. As a result, they were stuck onto some webs high above the city and were injected with the venom of the Visorak, mutating them into Toa Hordika.”
“Think of it like... think of it like being turned into sharpteeth,” clarified Lewa for the young dinosaurs. “That's how bad-horrible it was for them to become Toa Hordika.”
“In that case, I hope we never get to see one of those Visorak things,” said Cera, definitely not liking the idea of becoming a sharptooth.
“What's so bad about becoming a sharptooth?” wondered Chomper. When Cera glared at him, he shrugged and said, “What? I'm just saying. I don't think being a sharptooth is all that bad.”
“Anyway, as soon as they became Toa Hordika,” continued Pohatu, “the webs holding them up broke, sending them falling down to the streets far below. Before they hit the ground, they were rescued by the Rahaga, strange beings who were the size of a Turaga and resembled Rahkshi, most likely the result of being mutated. It was the Rahaga who explained to the Toa everything about what they had become. Their weapons had changed, but they were no longer able to use their mask powers. Most importantly, if they did not get rid of the venom within their bodies quickly enough, they would stay as Hordika forever.”
“Forever?” asked Ruby. “How could they get rid of that venom before it was too late for them to get rid of it?”
“Their only hope was a legendary being known as Keetongu, but even some of the Rahaga doubted his existence,” replied Gali.
“I know I don't believe crazy stories like those most of the time, but if that happened to me, even I would want to believe in him if it meant changing me back to normal,” commented Cera.
“Despite the urgency, the Toa decided that their most important task was to save the Matoran,” continued Pohatu, “so they went all over Metru Nui to gather the parts they would need to build vehicles that could carry all of the Matoran to Mata Nui. Along the way, they rescued Turaga Dume, and also found the Mask of Light, which had been hidden in the city by the Rahaga, who had taken it back from Makuta, who had stolen it from an unknown location.”
“Wow, that mask sure went through a lot before Takua finally found it,” commented Littlefoot.
“After a while, Vakama began distancing himself from the other Toa, convinced that he was not a good leader. While wandering alone he got captured by some Visorak and taken to Roodaka, the second-in-command of the Visorak horde. While the king of the Visorak, Sidorak, wanted to simply conquer Metru Nui, Roodaka had other plans, including freeing Makuta, so she saw an opportunity when she heard of Vakama's capture. She managed to convince him to abandon the other Toa and lead the Visorak.”
“You mean Vakama betrayed his friends!?” exclaimed Cera in shock.
“Shocking, but yes,” replied Lewa. “He even proved himself to Sidorak by quick-capturing all but one of the Rahaga!”
“Despite the treachery,” continued Pohatu, “the other Toa ó along with Norik, the remaining Rahaga ó eventually found Keetongu. Although he agreed to help them save their friend, he refused to cure them until after they had proven themselves of being able to control their Hordika abilities.”
“That doesn't make any sense at all,” said Cera in confusion. “Why would he not change them back until after they fought as Hordika?”
“Matau reacted the same way when he first heard it,” commented Lewa.
“Knowing what had to be done, the Toa entered the Coliseum and fought against the Visorak,” continued Pohatu. “Matau, on the other hand, decided to confront Vakama and try to bring him back to the Toa's side. Meanwhile, Keetongu fought against Sidorak and Roodaka. However, Roodaka simply walked away, leaving Sidorak to be easily defeated. Matau eventually succeeded in convincing Vakama of what his true duty was and they rejoined the other Toa. Roodaka told them that they couldn't defeat the Visorak, but she forgot that she had placed them under Vakama's command. As a result, he disbanded the Visorak ó in other words, he told them all to leave because they were free.”
“So that explains why there was a lone Visorak here on Voya Nui,” muttered Garan. When he noticed some of the young dinosaurs looking at him in slight fear, he added, “Don't worry, Thok killed it as soon as he found it.”
“With Roodaka being the only enemy left, the Toa combined their elemental powers and struck at her. However, they realized too late that she was carrying a piece of the seal that had entrapped Makuta, and by hitting that piece with their elemental powers, the seal was broken and Makuta was freed.”
“So that's how Makuta got free from being trapped,” said Ruby.
“Although Roodaka got away, the Toa had won the battle. Keetongu then fulfilled his promise and cured the Toa Hordika, changing them back into Toa Metru. They collected all of the spheres that contained the Matoran and loaded them into the vehicles they had built, and then they headed for Mata Nui. Once they arrived on the shores of Mata Nui, they had to sacrifice their Toa Energy to awaken the Matoran, causing them to transform into the Turaga we all know to this day. And that is the end of Turaga Vakama's stories of everything that happened when they were Toa.”
“Wow, that's quite a story,” commented Littlefoot.
“But you still haven't told us why you are here,” added Cera. “Why would you come to a place that we've never heard of before?”
“Turaga Nuju has been observing the stars ever since we returned to Metru Nui,” said Kopaka. “It didn't take him long to discover a terrible truth: Mata Nui is not just sleeping, he is dying.”
“Mata Nui is... dying!?” asked Ruby in shock.
“I know he is really important to everyone in this universe, but how bad can that be?” asked Cera, unaware of the true scale of the situation.
“More than you can imagine,” replied Gali. “If he dies, so does the rest of this universe.”
“That sounds terrible!” exclaimed Ducky. “It does, it does!”
“I think I speak for all of my friends when I say that saving Mata Nui's life is more important than freeing our home,” declared Garan. “Without Mata Nui, all are doomed. I do not want the situation here to go from bad to worse.”
“How we quick-save him?” asked Petrie. He was certainly not the only one who was hoping that there was a way to save Mata Nui's life.
“There is only one thing that can save him: the Mask of Life, hidden somewhere here on Voya Nui,” replied Tahu.
“The Mask of Life?” asked Chomper. “Isn't that what the Piraka said they were here to find?”
“Yes, they said they wanted to steal it,” replied Garan. “It is because of that mask that they have done so many horrible things to us.”
“Then why are they trying to steal it?” asked Balta. “Do they not realize how much the universe needs that mask right now?”
“I guess this means we'll get to save the universe and free our home at the same time,” said Dalu. “I like that.”
“All right, let's show those Piraka why they shouldn't mess with us!” declared Cera.
“I don't think it would be a good idea to have you come with us,” said Tahu.
“What!?”
“I am sorry, but I fear that taking you kids into battle with us against the Piraka would do more harm than good,” said Gali.
“I agree,” added Onua. “We are the only Toa on this island right now, and these Matoran here have proven to us they can hold their own against the Piraka. You, on the other hand, are defenseless against such powerful enemies.”
“Don't take it personally, kids,” said Tahu. “We only want what's best for all of us.”
“That's okay, we understand,” said Littlefoot, hiding his disappointment at not being able to help the Toa Nuva and the Matoran.
“So what do you want us to do while you fight the Piraka?” asked Cera.
“Try to stay hidden,” replied Garan. “If we fall, you might be Mata Nui's last hope, though I pray it won't have to come to that.”
“Me neither,” said Ruby. “If a powerful evil can stop you, what hope do we have of stopping that powerful evil?”
Cera sighed in defeat and said, “All right, we'll stay out of the way. Just make sure you don't fail.”
“Believe me, we have no intentions of letting that happen,” said Tahu.
“We're here,” said Garan, stopping. The group of Toa, Matoran, and young dinosaurs peeked from behind some rocks to see the stronghold the Piraka had built for themselves.
Before the Toa could make a move, Piruk said, “We should use the back door. There are too many defenses on the front for us to safely enter without being seen.”
“Since he is the only Matoran to have gone in and out of that stronghold alive, I strongly advise we do what he says,” said Garan.
The Toa nodded in agreement and began to follow the Matoran. Pohatu turned to the gang and said, “Don't worry. If all goes well, we should have our masks back and be out of there in no time.”
As the Toa and Matoran left, the gang decided to get away from the stronghold to avoid getting caught by the Piraka. As they walked, they all thought about the stories the Toa Nuva had just told them. Littlefoot was impressed by all the things Takua had done since they had last seen him, especially the fact that he was now a Toa. He was also intrigued by the description of Metru Nui and was curious to see the city for himself, someday. Cera found many of the stories hard to believe ó especially the idea that the Turaga had once been Toa ó but the Toa Nuva had already proven they would never bluff, so she decided to ignore her issues with them for now. Ducky was amazed by the heroic things the Toa Nuva had done, but also terrified by the horrible things the Toa Metru had gone through. In her mind, it was no wonder the Matoran had to leave Metru Nui. Petrie couldn't stop thinking about the fact that a Matoran could become a Toa and that a Toa could become a Turaga. He was amazed to think that the Turaga of Mata Nui had once been Toa, and he also couldn't help but speculate what it might be like if some of the Matoran they knew were to become Toa. Spike was pleased to hear about the Toa Nuva saving the island of Mata Nui from destructive threats like the Bohrok, yet he couldn't bring himself to appreciate the image of a place like Metru Nui. Chomper was amazed by all the stories of the Toa Nuva and the Toa Metru. He did get quite a scare when he heard that Jaller had died, but was relieved that he had been brought back soon afterward. Ruby was intrigued by all of the stories, especially the fact that the real home of the Matoran was Metru Nui instead of Mata Nui. Although she wouldn't admit it, all she really wanted was to see her Ko-Matoran friend, Matoro, again. After quickly walking a good distance away from the stronghold, the gang stopped and thought about what to do next.
“What now?” asked Petrie.
“Well, I can see why the Toa didn't want us to come with them, but I don't want to just sit here and do nothing,” said Cera.
“Yeah, we've already told Garan and the other Matoran that we would help them, no matter what.” added Littlefoot. “It looks like we will now have to help them save their entire universe.”
“But what can we do?” asked Chomper, shrugging. “We all know how powerful the Piraka are, so fighting them is clearly a bad idea. We could try to find the Mask of Life, but we don't know where it is.”
“We may not know where the Mask of Life is, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't look for it,” commented Ruby. “After all, Garan did say that if he, his friends, and the Toa are to fall, we might be Mata Nui's last hope.”
“Ruby's right,” said Littlefoot. “I think that while the Toa and the Piraka are busy fighting, we should try to find the Mask of Life, ourselves. At least the Piraka still see us as a pest instead of a threat.”
“That sounds like a good idea, but isn't that mask at the bottom of a lava pool or something like that?” pointed out Cera.
Littlefoot shook his head. “I think that's where the Piraka think they will find it. Nobody ever actually said where we might find the Mask of Life, so it might be hidden somewhere else on this island. The Piraka are all looking in just one place, so if we spread out and look in a lot of different places, we actually stand a better chance of finding that mask than the Piraka do.”
“That great idea sounds like a great idea, Littlefoot!” praised Ruby.
“It is a great idea! It is, it is!” added Ducky.
“Why didn't I think of that?” asked Cera, rhetorically. “It actually makes sense, and will make the task a whole lot easier for us.”
“All right, guys, let's go find the Mask of Life!” declared Littlefoot.
The gang all cheered at this. They were now very confident that they would be successful.
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Read and review, as always. Hopefully, this chapter gave you at least a basic idea of what has happened in the Matoran universe between this story and the previous one. Also, I'm not sure if I should, but I could offer links to the first three Bionicle movies (if I can find them uploaded somewhere online), which take place during the events described in this chapter. But I'm not sure if any of you would be interested. Also, there is a fourth Bionicle movie, but the events of that movie will take place later on in this story. I'll try to avoid spoilers, but I won't stop any of you from finding out on your own.
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Nice to see a new chapter up. I liked it. Pretty much summed up everything.
“You mean... Takua does not even remember us anymore?”*asked Ducky with sadness.
That should have a space.
Hmm, pretty good chapter. Update soon!
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Argh! I didn’t mean for this review to be so late! :bang Attribute it to my recurring bouts of inexplicable weariness and “thinker’s block”, along with the fact that I am far behind on my cookbook proofreading job, my sleep schedule has become downright anarchic, and my brother is visiting on his week off from college, so I have had to suspend my normal GOF activities both for family time and to allow him to use the computer for homework.
Since this chapter was almost entirely exposition, I’m afraid I don’t have a whole lot to say about it. I can sum most of it up by saying that I think you did a fantastic job having the Toa explain the past events of the Matoran universe in a way that both the gang and non-Bionicle-acquainted readers could easily understand. I particularly liked the explanation of the Matoran-Toa-Turaga “growth stages”; the Toa’s comparison of it to the life stages of a dinosaur was very well done, and I found the information rather interesting myself. :yes
LBTDiclonius beat me to one mistake; here are the others I found:
“At first, none of us were interested in working together,” continued Gali, “but as the Rahi attacks got worse, we eventually decided that our best chance of finding all of our masks was to work together. Meanwhile, you old friend, Takua, went on some adventures of his own.”
Should be “your”.
“Not much, actually,” replied Pohatu. “Though I have heard rumors that right after he had gathered the Toa Stones that summoned us to the island, he got a bad case of amnesia and lost all of his memories.”
Remove “had”.
These heroic actions convinced the Turaga to name him Chronicler, a title which I believe he had already explained to you about back when he was in your universe. Anyway, we had eventually collected all of our masks, which then granted us a golden Kanohi mask that had the powers of all the masks we had collected.
Remove “had” and “about”. “Already” and “back” are probably unnecessary as well.
“They're insectoid machines with the sole purpose of destroying everything on the island,” explained Onua. “They're powered by a mask-like creature called a Krana, which grant Bohrok abilities much like our masks do. However, if one was to wear a Krana like a Kanohi, then he would end up behaving like a Bohrok, with the objective of destroying everything.”
You should specify that you are referring to Matoran/Toa here. At first I thought “one” meant “a Bohrok”. Also, “was” should be “were”.
“The worst that you could have imagined. I went to quick-check my village and when I got there, everyone ó including Turaga Matau ó had their masks replace with Krana! They then replaced my mask with a Krana, too.”
Should be “replaced”.
“After that, the rest of Le-Koro was freed, thanks to Takua and Nuparu, who had invented a machine made out of parts of disabled Bohrok that allowed the Matoran to fight back at the Bohrok.”
”At” should be “against”.
It wasn't easy, but by combining our powers, we had successfully trapped them.
Remove “had”.
Since our masks* powers still worked, we decided to collect Kanohi Nuva, much like we had done when we had collected our original masks. Eventually, the Bohrok-Kal had found the cave where we had trapped the Bahrag and attempted to use our symbols to free them.
Remove “had”.
*Insert apostrophe.
“Unfortunately, they had just created * barrier that prevented us from stopping them, despite the slowing of time,” continued Gali.
*Insert “a”.
Meanwhile, the three captured Toa were locked in a prison cell ó think of like being trapped in a cave ó where they met a Turaga who helped them discover their mask powers, which they used to escape.
Should be either “think of” or “like”.
“If that was the real Turaga Dume, them who was the fake Turaga Dume?” asked Ruby.
Should be “then”.
They also decided to prepare a backup plan by transferring some on their Toa Energy each into a Toa Stone and hiding them throughout the island.
Should be “some of each of their Toa energy”.
“Think of it like... think of it like being turned into sharpteeth,” clarified Lewa for the young dinosaurs. “That's how bad-horrible it was for them to become Toa Hordika.”
“In that case, I hope we never get to see one of those Visorak things,” said Cera, definitely not liking the idea of becoming a sharptooth.
“I don't think being a sharptooth is all that bad,” commented Chomper. When Cera glared at him, he shrugged and said, “What? I'm just saying.”
This, to me, was probably the funniest part in the chapter. :lol However, Chomper’s response to Cera’s statement doesn’t seem like something that would incite her to glare at him. I think it would make more sense if he had said something like “What would be so bad about being a sharptooth?” and after Cera glares at him, says: “What? I'm just saying, I don't think being a sharptooth is all that bad.”
“Despite the urgency, the Toa decided that their most important task was to save the Matoran,” continued Pohatu, “so they went all over Metru Nui to gather the parts they would need to build vehicles that could carry all of the Matoran to Mata Nui. Along the way, they rescued Turaga Dume, and also found the Mask of Light, which had been hidden in the city by the Rahaga, who had taken it back from Makuta, who stole it from an unknown location.”
Should be “had stolen”.
“I know he is really important to everyone in this universe, but how bad can that be?” asked Cera, skeptically.
Not an error, but a comment: to me, this seems overly insensitive even for Cera. I would think that even she would understand the Matoran world well enough that she would know that for Makuta to die would be a bad thing.
“The Mask of Life?” asked Chomper. “Isn't that what the Piraka said they were here to find.”
This should end in a question mark.
Littlefoot was impressed by all the things Takua had done since they had last seen him, especially now that he was a Toa.
I would write this as “the fact that he was now”.
Ducky was amazed by the heroic things the Toa Nuva had done, but also terrified by the horrible things the Toa Metru had * to go through.
*Insert “had” or change “to go” to “gone”.
I’m a little unsure of how to word this last comment…I thought that the gang’s enthusiasm over their idea of helping the Matoran by splitting up to find the Mask of Life seemed a little strange; cheesy, almost, given the seriousness of the circumstances.
Again, sorry for the delayed review. :oops
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Your linking of events in this chapter was pretty good, but I must admit that I was almost entirely lost as to what the Toa were talking about. It kind of reminded me of reading a scientific report where they throw dozens of words at you that you don't recognize and call it a major discovery, but in this case it was a collection of names that I didn't recognize since I don't follow the Bionicle universe that much. Perhaps you might need to soften things up a bit by tossing more reminders in amongst the story?
The chapter is pretty long though, so I can tell you put a lot of effort into it. Apart from my usual comments (the gang saying things that seem to intelligent for their age and methods, lots of names with little description) it seems that you are on the right track. Keep it up.
Caustizer
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I think you did a fantastic job having the Toa explain the past events of the Matoran universe in a way that both the gang and non-Bionicle-acquainted readers could easily understand.
Your linking of events in this chapter was pretty good, but I must admit that I was almost entirely lost as to what the Toa were talking about. It kind of reminded me of reading a scientific report where they throw dozens of words at you that you don't recognize and call it a major discovery, but in this case it was a collection of names that I didn't recognize since I don't follow the Bionicle universe that much. Perhaps you might need to soften things up a bit by tossing more reminders in amongst the story?
Oh well. I stand corrected, I guess. :oops
The difficulty I perceive with familiarizing readers with characters and elements of the Bionicle series is that it's such a universe unto itself; if you haven't memorized a significant amount of information about the Bionicle world, then you really don't have much basis for understanding it. Comprehensively speaking, you have to work hard to link the right names, personalities, weapons/powers, visual appearances, and “species” to the right characters. The images of the characters posted at the end of of each chapter in which they make their respective first appearances are definitely helpful, but it's difficult to keep referring back to them. I honestly can't think of much that could be done to make the names, connections, references, etc. easier to understand. :unsure:
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Caustizer: Don't worry if you didn't understand many of the names in that chapter, because chances are that that'll be the only chapter where many of those names even appear. However, your constant reminders are starting to help me understand what it is you are saying, so hopefully I'll get it right soon.
Pangaea: I suppose dropping the gang right in the middle of the 10 year long Bionicle storyline does make explaining things a little tricky, especially because 2006 (the storyline year I'm currently at in this fanfic) was when the Bionicle Universe started to get complicated. (Previously, the Bionicle Universe had been nothing but the island of Mata Nui, with the addition of the island city of Metru Nui at the end of 2003) Thanks to your advice, only now do I realize how difficult it could really be to write this story. Still, there is evidence that some Bionicle fans have read this story, so I'm honestly not sure where to draw the line.
Here's the next chapter, it answers questions, raises new ones, and has a very surprising ending.
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Chapter 10
The Search Begins
The gang didn't waste any time to begin searching for the Mask of Life. They immediately split up and began searching in every place they imagined the mask could be hidden. However, some of them didn't have much of an imagination and weren't searching as hard as others.
Petrie pushed aside a small rock and discovered a small hollow in the ground. “Hello? Mask of Life? You in there?” he called. A small Rahi then emerged, chirped angrily at him for a few seconds, and then pulled the rock back over its shelter. “Sorry,” said Petrie.
Spike had gotten distracted from his search by yet another bush to snack on. He did not have any regrets about deciding to search just the Green Belt. As he took yet another bite, he bit down on something hard. He then noticed the bush shake a bit as he heard something growl. Clearly, he had just upset some Rahi he wasn't aware of, and he did not want to cause any trouble. Spike decided to back away, deciding to not take another bite from that bush again.
The gang had made no set plans on where to search, or who would work together. Groups would frequently split up and then join others in separate groups as they continued to search the island.
Encountering Chomper, Cera walked up to him and asked, “Any luck finding that mask?”
Chomper was currently busy chewing on some bugs. “No, but I did find something to eat,” he said with his mouth full.
Cera, with a disgusted look on her face, looked away and said, “Well, keep looking.”
Meanwhile, Ducky decided to ask Ruby for advice on where to find the mask. “Where do you think the Mask of Life is hiding, Ruby?” asked Ducky.
“Hmm, if I wanted to hide a very important mask on this island, where would I hide it?” thought Ruby aloud. “Well, I certainly wouldn't want guys like the Piraka to steal it, so I would want to hide it somewhere where they couldn't get it. Somewhere they couldn't get it and maybe never even thought of finding it. Definitely somewhere underground, or maybe... maybe even buried in the ground.”
“Are you saying we have to dig to find the Mask of Life?”
“I don't know if that's where it's hidden, but that's where I would hide it. Of course, we can't dig through rock like this.” She scratched at the rocky ground with her foot. “I guess we should go back to the Green Belt and try looking there again. The only other place I can think of is inside the volcano, and the Piraka are already looking for the Mask of Life inside the volcano.”
As Ruby and Ducky changed direction, Cera climbed atop a small mountain that offered a view of a large portion of the island. Seeing how much land there was to cover, she came to one simple conclusion. “This is going to take a while.”
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The day passed by and, although it was hard to tell through all the storm clouds, the sun was beginning to set. Littlefoot was currently walking along the inner coast of the island. Despite the harsh, rocky terrain, he concluded that it was a better option to search first than the icy outer coast. He had no idea if the mask was hidden here, but he knew he had to look in as many places as possible. Yet, he knew the efforts of him and his friends might not be enough. In his mind, the only thing that would give him the absolute confidence that he and his friends would find the Mask of Life would be the assurance of getting help from a powerful being, like a Toa. Since he had not heard from the Toa Nuva for some time now, he wondered about who else he could turn to.
“ëFind him,’ he says! Where are we supposed to look?”
Littlefoot immediately stopped when he heard that voice. Before he could figure out who it belonged to, he heard another voice.
“Reidak, there is this new pastime called ëthinking’ ó you really should try it.”
Littlefoot, trying the stay hidden behind a rock, peeked around the rock and saw the ebon-armored Piraka, Reidak, and the white-armored Piraka, Thok, walking nearby. He silently gasped in surprise. If these Piraka were out here with seemingly no signs of having been in a battle... then something must have happened to the Toa Nuva.
“The Matoran never saw Vezon, or they would have mentioned him when we got here,” continued Thok to Reidak. “That means his canister had to wash up far away from anyplace the Matoran would roam.” As he scanned the coast, something caught his eye. “Like here!”
Littlefoot looked closely at what Thok had spotted. Resting on the shore was a large, round, metallic object. One end of it was shredded, as if somebody had ripped it open to get at something inside... or maybe for someone inside to get out.
“Well I'll be a Muaka's dinner...” said Reidak in awe at this discovery.
“With any luck at all, yes,” retorted Thok. “Now we track him right to where he's hiding. Follow, Reidak, and try not to break anything.”
“How about if I just break you?”
Littlefoot had listened carefully to the conversation between the two Piraka. At first, he thought they had misspoken Vezok's name, but they had talked as if this “Vezon” was a different being ó one the Matoran had apparently never encountered. I wonder who this “Vezon” is, thought Littlefoot. Is he another Piraka? If so, why haven't we seen him yet?
His thoughts were interrupted by a loud, sharp crack. The Piraka also quickly turned their heads to the source of the noise.
“What wasó” started Thok, before another loud crack was heard. Suddenly, the ground beneath the two Piraka began to split open. “Look out!” shouted Thok, but it was too late. Neither of them managed to get away from the widening split in the ground quickly enough to avoid falling in.
Littlefoot was surprised by what had just happened. When he saw the Piraka fall, he was actually hoping they had fallen to their deaths. His hopes were quickly disproved when he noticed two pairs of armored hands holding onto the edge of the crevice.
“What did I say? ëSmash the island into rubble,’ I said,” said Reidak in frustration.
Thok grunted as he tried to pull himself out. “We don't need any Toa to fight us ó this island is already doing a good job of it!” exclaimed Thok.
As he heard the Piraka speak, Littlefoot noticed a large figure approaching them. He was a little taller than the Toa Nuva, but the huge muscles beneath his red and silver armor showed that he was far stronger. He wore a mask, like a Toa, but this silver mask was unlike any kind Littlefoot had seen before. The detail that caught Littlefoot's attention was the weapon this figure carried: a massive axe that looked powerful enough to slice through stone with ease. It was this weapon that made Littlefoot realize who this figure was. It's the guy with the axe! thought Littlefoot. The same guy who saved me and Balta by digging an escape tunnel for us! I wonder what he's doing here.
The massive figure arrived at the location of the struggling Piraka and stuck his axe in the ground. “You'll smash... nothing,” said the figure as he reached down and grabbed both Piraka by their waists in his massive hands. “This island holds nothing for you but pain and despair. I have known your kind before, Piraka. For more than a thousand centuries, I have looked into the face of evil again and again. It sickens me. You sicken me!” He then slammed the Piraka's heads together and threw them to the ground as if they were worthless sticks. “Leave this island,” he threatened. “Give up your mad dreams, or suffer the consequences.”
Thok had recovered enough to raise his head and say, “I'll give you ëconsequences,’ youó” He then attempted to use his vision powers against this new foe.
The large figure quickly grabbed his axe and held it between him and Thok, preventing the Piraka's spellbinder vision power from affecting him. “Six Piraka together are a dangerous threat, but two are just exercise,” he commented.
Reidak had also recovered, and was now lifting a massive rock. “You're about to be out of shape, stranger ó as in flattened!” he taunted.
“You have five seconds to put that down and end this battle in one piece, Piraka,” threatened the massive figure as he raised his axe. “One... two... five!” He then threw his axe at the rock, completely shattering it and sending Reidak flying back from the force of the impact.
Littlefoot watched the battle in awe. This stranger was clearly showing that he disapproved of the Piraka's actions, and was willing to fight to stop them. He was clearly a powerful being, maybe even more so than the Toa. Littlefoot was now very curious about who this stranger was.
Thok was also wondering the same thing. “What are you?” asked Thok. “You don't smell like a Toa.”
Then, as if to demonstrate more of his incredible powers, the massive figure made his large axe return directly to his hand. “My name is Axonn,” he said as he raised his axe above his head. “I was placed on this island as a guardian of the Mask of Life, one of many. All of my power ó and my very life ó is dedicated to keeping it out of the hands of trash like you.”
This statement made Littlefoot smile. As far as he could tell, Axonn was the most powerful being on all of Voya Nui, and his job was to protect the Mask of Life. Maybe after he's finished with those Piraka, I can talk to him and maybe he will help me find the Mask of Life, thought Littefoot with hope.
“Fine, keep your mask,” said Thok. “We just want to find our old friend Vezon. We heard he came this way.”
“Point us toward him,” added Reidak, “and we won't have to shove that axe downó”
“Quiet!” Clearly, Thok was not going to take any more chances against such a powerful being. Reidak, however, wasn't thinking the same thing.
“Vezon serves the mask now,” replied Axonn. “You won't find him, and you don't want to.”
“Then I guess we don't need you anymore, do we?” questioned Reidak.
Axonn then raised his axe and prepared to strike at the Piraka. “I will clean you off this island, Piraka, like the foul plague you are!”
Before Axonn could make a move, he was suddenly struck in the back by a powerful attack. The attack was so powerful that when he hit the ground, he appeared to be unconscious.
The attacker then stepped forward to reveal himself. He was even taller than Axonn. His armor was blue and gold and he wore a strange, gold mask. Despite not having quite as much muscle as Axonn, he still appeared to be rather strong. In his hand, he held a double-ended blade.
“Oh, I wouldn't say that,” gloated the attacker as he stood victorious over the fallen Axonn. “You always did rush into things without thinking, Axonn, my old friend. But then, you always had me to guard your back before. No more. From this day forward, true power on this island belongs to me: Brutaka!”
As Brutaka walked away in triumph, Reidak scoffed and grumbled, “Show off.”
“You're not the only one who despises Zaktan's new ally,” said Thok as the two Piraka followed Brutaka. “Still, it helps to stay on his good side. After all, we did see him did take down six Matoran and six Toa with one swing of that blade.”
Despite not getting caught, Littlefoot was crushed by the recent turn of events. First, his only hope for a powerful ally had been defeated by an even more powerful being, who turned out to have sided with the Piraka. Then, even worse, he found out that this powerful ally of the Piraka was responsible for not only defeating the free Matoran and the Toa Nuva, but also did it very quickly. With this new information, Littlefoot concluded that Garan's words now held more true than ever: Littlefoot and his friends were now Mata Nui's last hope.
Despite the painful truth, Littlefoot knew he had to take the opportunity to talk to Axonn, now that the Piraka were gone. If Axonn couldn't protect them, then perhaps he could at least tell them where to find the Mask of Life. As he walked up to the downed figure, Littlefoot asked, “Axonn? Are you okay?”
Axonn was a powerful being, so he didn't stay unconscious for long. He raised his head to see the young Longneck standing before him.
“I saw everything that just happened,” continued Littlefoot. “I also heard them say the Toa Nuva had been defeated. Does that mean my friends and I are Mata Nui's last hope?”
“I fear that may be true,” replied Axonn as he got back up.
Littlefoot sighed. “So what do we do?” he asked. “How can we hope to save him? The way I see it, the only way would be for you to tell me where to find that mask.”
Axonn shook his head in disapproval. “It's not that simple, Littlefoot. Even if I did tell you where to find it, I doubt that you and your friends would get it. It's not as simple as walking into a cave and grabbing it. There are many guardians of the mask, and I am merely the first line of defense.”
“But we have to get that mask! There's no one else left but us!”
Axonn sighed. “To tell you the truth, only a Toa possesses the kind of power needed to reach the mask, but I have a feeling you will simply ignore my warnings.”
“As long as it will help save Mata Nui, then yes, I will.”
“Very well. If you wish to continue to find the mask, I shall not stop you.” Axonn then began to walk away. “I have a more important issue to deal with. Brutaka used to be my best friend, but now he has chosen to walk the path of shadows. I must bring him back to our side before he causes irreversible damage to this universe.”
Littlefoot was about to ask Axonn again about where to find the Mask of Life, but he was forced to admit that he wouldn't be getting any help from him, either.
As Axonn walked away, Littlefoot thought about whether or not he should tell his friends about everything he had just learned. Despite how painful to truth may be, his friends deserved to hear all of it. Quietly leaving the area, Littlefoot hoped that he or one of his friends would find that mask soon.
________
After many hours of searching, the gang finally decided to regroup. None of them had had any luck finding the Mask of Life. After Littlefoot told them about what he had witnessed and heard, the gang now had more determination than ever to find the mask. Despite how late at night it was, they continued their search by looking along the icy outer coast. Some of them were getting tired, but Littlefoot encouraged them to keep going.
“How much longer do we have to keep looking?” asked Chomper.
“I don't know,” replied Littlefoot, “but we can't stop until we find that mask.”
“I wonder how many places there are left to look. I do, I do,” said Ducky.
“Even I can't answer that question,” admitted Ruby. “At this point, I'm starting to forget which places we have looked and which places we have not looked.”
Yet another loud clap of thunder from the skies brought the gang to a halt. “Is this storm ever going to go away?” wondered Cera. And just like that, the rainfall finally began. “Don't say anything.”
Petrie moaned in disappointment and said, “Us never gonna quick-find Mask of Life. Us not even gonna slow-find Mask of Life.”
“We have to keep trying,” urged Littlefoot. “Come on.” After taking just a few steps, he slipped on the ice and began to slide down an icy slope. The gang tried to see where he was going, but they too slipped and followed him down the slope.
Eventually, they all reached the bottom of the slope and came to a stop without crashing into anything. “That wasn't so bad,” remarked Chomper. “I think our luck might be changing.”
“I just hope that your hope for good luck comes true,” added Ruby as she stood up with the rest of the gang.
After getting back up, Littlefoot looked back and realized they were now right along the treacherous icy coast itself. The crashing of the waves along the frozen coast showed that this was not a place one should stay for long. However, there was something very unusual that had just washed up on the shore that caught Littlefoot's attention.
“Guys, look!” exclaimed Littlefoot, gesturing at what he had seen. The gang turned around and saw, resting on the shoreline, six large, round, metallic objects. One notable feature on them was a series of yellow lights that gradually blinked on and off. All of these objects were lying in the same direction. The ends that were aimed inland looked like they could be removed, but they appeared to be stuck on the objects tightly.
Recalling what he had seen and heard earlier, Littlefoot had a good guess of what these strange objects were. “I think... I think they're canisters,” said Littlefoot.
“Canisters?”asked Cera. “You mean like what the Toa had to use to get here?”
“Yes, but I don't think these ones are open. There might be someone inside each of them.”
“Like who?” asked Chomper.
Before Littlefoot could reply, a particularly powerful bolt of lightning shot from the Red Star and split into six bolts, striking each of the six canisters. The strange but powerful lightning strike frightened the gang, causing them to jump behind a nearby icy outcropping. They then peeked around the outcropping to see what had happened to the canisters. The blinking lights were gone ó no doubt blown up by the massive amount of energy from the lightning ó and large sparks danced across the surfaces of the canisters for a few seconds before eventually fading away.
“What just happened?” asked Ducky in fear.
“I don't know,” admitted Littlefoot.
Then, with a loud hiss, the lid of one of the canisters slowly rotated and came off. “Look! They opening!” Petrie quietly gasped as the same thing happened to the other canisters.
The gang watched silently as tall, armored figures crawled out of the canisters and stood up to their full height, comparable to a Toa. Suddenly, a flame blazed from the hand of one of those figures, illuminating the area enough to see their details more clearly. Although the orange flame distorted the colors, the slight differences in their armor showed that they each represented a different element. Each of these figures also held a large weapon, and their masks were far unlike anything the gang had ever seen before.
Then the six figures held out their weapons until they were all in contact. Small bolts of lightning arced between the weapons until they reached the point where they all touched, causing a larger bolt of lightning to fire straight up into the sky. Once it reached a certain height, the end of the bolt exploded, throwing six new stars into the only part of the sky that wasn't obscured by the clouds.
The gang had watched this strange event in awe and wonder. “What was that all about?” asked Cera.
“I remember Matoro once told me about Toa stars,” replied Ruby. “Here in the Matoran universe, there is one part of the sky where each star represents a living Toa. If there are six new stars in the sky, that means there are six new Toa in the Matoran universe. Since these strangers are the ones who put those new Toa stars into the sky, then that can only mean that these strangers are those new Toa.”
“New Toa?” asked Chomper. “You mean like they just hatched?”
“Something like that.”
“Well, if they are new Toa, then we have to convince them to fight on our side,” declared Littlefoot, before walking out from behind the outcropping and approaching the new Toa. His friends followed closely behind. “Um, excuse me?”
The Toa turned their attention towards the gang.
“Sorry to bother you, but we could really use your help. I'mó”
“We know who you are, Littlefoot, along with the rest of your friends,” interrupted one of the Toa, who then made the flame in his hand go away.
The gang was suddenly confused. “How did you know my name?” asked Littlefoot. “Who are you?”
The Toa looked at one another and nodded to each other. One by one, the six Toa said their names:
Jaller, Hahli, Kongu, Matoro, Hewkii, and Nuparu
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Read and review, as always. For those of you who haven't read the previous story, those six names at the end of this chapter are the names of some of the Matoran the gang had befriended in the previous story. Don't worry, many things will be explained in the next chapter.
Here are the images of the characters first seen in this chapter:
Axonn (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/c/c4/Set_Axonn.PNG)
Brutaka (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/a/ad/Set_Brutaka.PNG)
(I'll wait until the next chapter to show you the new Toa)
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My apologies for being late again. :oops And I didn’t notice until now that no one else had reviewed either; :o is it just a bad time for posters on the GOF right now?
I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, from beginning to end. :yes The gang’s attempts to find the Mask of Life amused me greatly (the part with Petrie was my favorite :lol), and felt very “in-character” for them. Part of the humor was in the way it I contrasted with the dramatic “while our friends head off into battle, let’s do our part and find the Mask of Life!” tone at the end of the last chapter.
I was similarly entertained by Reidak and Thok’s dialogue in the next scene (even if it was taken from the books). Apparently, Bionicle can be surprisingly comedic at times.
And the mood whiplash continued with Axonn being so quickly and suddenly taken out of commission after so easily and casually dealing with the Piraka. I definitely wasn’t expecting that. :blink: One thing that did bother me, though, was that Littlefoot didn’t try to wake Axonn up after Brutaka and the Piraka had left. Also, I felt like there should have been a sceneóeven if it were only described in the narrative rather than written out in dialogueóin which Littlefoot tells his friends about what he had seen and heard.
And another surprise in the form of six new Toa! :! The gang’s reactions to discovering the Toa’s canisters and witnessing their emergence were excellent. I particularly loved Chomper’s analogy that the Toa had “just hatched”. Brilliant way of putting it from a LBT perspective. :yes *rhetorical questions ahead* Didn’t the gang know some of these Toa when they were Matoran? Isn’t one of them the Ice Matoran Ruby had a crush on? This could get strange…
“Well I'll be a Muaka's dinner...” said Raidak in awe at this discovery.
Should be “Reidak”.
“What was ó” started Thok, before another loud crack was heard.
Thok had recovered enough to raise his head and say, “I'll give you ëconsequences,’ you ó”
“Point us toward him,” added Reidak, “and we won't have to shove that axe down ó”
“Sorry to bother you, but we could really use your help. I'm ó”
No space is needed in front of a dash when it is used to indicate an interruption.
“What did I say? ëSmash the island into rubble,’ I said,” said Reidak in frustration, repeating something he had said earlier.
It feels awkward to point this out. I would remove it. If you think it sounds strange for Reidak to reference a statement he’d said earlier that was unheard by the readers, I think changing the line would be a preferable alternative.
The same guy who save me and Balta by digging an escape tunnel for us with that axe! I wonder what he's doing here.
”Save” should be “saved”. Also, since Littlefoot had just mentioned the axe, it feels redundant and repetitive to me for it to be mentioned again here, so I’d remove the blue text.
“You'll smash... nothing,” said the figure as he reached down and grabbed both Piraka by their waist in his massive hands.
Should be “waists”.
He was clearly a powerful being, maybe even more * than the Toa.
*Insert “so”.
From this day forward, true power on this island belongs to me: Brutaka!” Brutaka then walked away in triumph.
In my opinion, it feels a little strange to have a character identified by name so soon after the name is first introduced (I hope that makes sense). You could refer to him by a more vague term (“The newcomer”, etc.), or you could start a new paragraph (which might make sense for that line anyway), perhaps even merging it with the following line, like so:As Brutaka walked away in triumph, Reidak scoffed and grumbled, “Show off.”
First, his only hope for a powerful ally gets defeated by an even more powerful being, who turns out to have sided with the Piraka.
Tense slip. Change “gets” to “had been” and “turns” to “turned”.
None of them had * any luck finding the Mask of Life.
*Insert “had”.
All of these objects were laying in the same direction.
Should be “were lying”, or “lay facing”.
Jaller, Hahli, Kongu, Matoro, Hewkii, and Nuparu
I’ll just make this simple; this is how I would reword this:“Jaller,” “Hahli,” “Kongu,” “Matoro,” “Hewkii,” and “Nuparu”.
I hope Caustizer and LBTDiclonius review this chapter soon, too. It really was a good one. :yes
P.S. The changes you made to the last chapter look good! ;)
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This chapter is better in terms of capturing the mannerisms of the gang and keeping them in character... I can see that as you continue to write your style is improving.
I think the ideal next step would be to try and capture the expressions and motions of the bionicle characters as well as to enhance the descriptive quality within the story instead of just providing pictures and saying 'this is what they look like'.
The best time to be able to picture a story happening is right as you read it, so capitalizing on this as you good be a good thing.
Caustizer
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Caustizer: I wasn't sure if I was improving at all, so thanks for letting me know. I'll also keep in mind that advice, too.
Pangaea: Just to let you know, the Piraka are perhaps the most comedic of all the Bionicle characters. (a major reason why they're my favorite group of villains of any fandom) If you thought that dialogue was funny, wait until you meet Vezon (after a few more chapters). Also, I've added a bit more to that Axonn scene in that chapter, so you might want to read it again.
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Chapter 11
Old Friends, New Looks
Littlefoot and his friends were speechless. Standing before them were six new Toa, but their names were all too familiar to them. Jaller, Hahli, Kongu, Matoro, Hewkii, and Nuparu had been among the Matoran who helped the gang find the Energy Stones about a year ago. Yet, they were now here on Voya Nui, and were now Toa.
“So...” began Littlefoot. “You're really the same Matoran we met back in the Great Valley in our universe? The same ones who helped us find the Energy Stones?”
“Yes, Littlefoot, we are,” replied Jaller, the new Toa of Fire. Jaller had been a courageous Ta-Matoran from the fire village of Ta-Koro and was the Captain of the Ta-Koro Guard. He now had red and yellow armor and carried a large flame sword.
“Did you really just become Toa?” asked Ducky.
“I believe so,” replied Hahli, the new Toa of Water. Hahli had been a shy Ga-Matoran from the water village of Ga-Koro and was named Chronicler after the previous one, Takua, became a Toa. She now had blue and white armor and carried a harpoon. “We were still Matoran when we climbed into these canisters, but before we got out, something strange happened and now... we're Toa.”
“We all saw you climb out,” said Ruby. “We all also saw what happened to you before you could climb out. This really big sky-flash came right from the red star and split into six sky-flashes that hit each of you.”
“Are you saying that a lightning strike is what turned us into Toa?” asked Hewkii, the new Toa of Stone. Hewkii had been an athletic Po-Matoran from the stone village of Po-Koro and was a champion in the sport of Kolhii. He now had yellow and gray armor and carried an axe that was attached to his back by a chain.
“That's what we saw, at least,” replied Chomper.
“I suppose that makes sense,” commented Nuparu, the new Toa of Earth. Nuparu had been a brilliant Onu-Matoran from the earth village of Onu-Koro and was a well-known engineer and inventor. He now had black and gray armor, clawed hands, and carried a large drill. “Somehow, I never imagined being a Toa would feel like this. Sure, I have raw power in my muscles and really awesome armor, but for some reason it feels like I have too much energy.”
“That's not all,” added Kongu, the new Toa of Air, as he touched his mask. “This mask, it just feels... weird.” Kongu had been a brave Le-Matoran from the air village of Le-Koro and was the Captain of the Gukko Force. He now had green and gray armor and carried a crossbow.
“Seeing how weird your masks look, I'm not so surprised,” said Cera. “I've never seen any kinds of masks that looked like that.”
“So says the most skeptical child I've ever met,” retorted Kongu.
“Just so you're aware, these are not the same masks we had always worn,” said Matoro, the new Toa of Ice. Matoro had been a loyal Ko-Matoran from the ice village of Ko-Koro and was Turaga Nuju's personal translator. Matoro now had white and light blue armor and carried an ice sword. “On our way here, our masks got stolen and we were forced to wear these ones instead.”
“Your masks got stolen!?” asked Littlefoot. “By who?”
“It's a long story,” replied Jaller. “And personally, I'm not willing to talk about it just yet.”
“I think we can all quick-agree to that,” added Kongu. “Creepy place, creepy ruler, creepy friend, creepy everything.”
“Me not so sure me want to listen to creepy story anyway,” said Petrie, nervously.
“Nor do we have the time,” added Hewkii.
“Hewkii's right,” said Jaller. “Despite the fact that we are now Toa, we came here on a mission. The only reason we went through such madness was to find out what happened to the Toa Nuva.”
“As far as I can tell, they've only been here for just over a day,” stated Cera. “Why would you be so worried about them?”
“It's the fact that they went missing and the Turaga told us nothing about it,” replied Jaller. “They were keeping secrets from us again! I was fortunate to have Turaga Nokama come to me to explain everything. I knew I had to do something, so I gathered these guys ó as well as Takanuva ó to find the Toa Nuva.”
“You took Takua with you, too?” asked Littlefoot, who was not yet willing to accept his friend's name change. “Where is he?”
“He's probably back in Metru Nui by now. For some reason, the path to Voya Nui was blocked to him, but not us.”
Nuparu suddenly had a look of realization on his face. He turned to the gang and said in confusion, “Wait, this isn't your universe. You kids shouldn't be here. What are you doing here? How did you get here?”
“We honestly don't know,” replied Littlefoot. “About two days ago, we decided to check on the Energy Stones, but then something strange happened. None of us can remember what it was, but the next thing we knew, we were here on Voya Nui.”
“And did you say the Toa Nuva have been here for only a day?” asked Jaller.
“Yes,” replied Littlefoot. “We met up with them earlier today. They had just been defeated by the Piraka and lost their masks, so they decided to take back their masks by attacking the Piraka's stronghold. They asked us to wait outside because it was too dangerous for us to follow them. We haven't heard from them since then, and we don't even know the way back to the stronghold.”
“Piraka?” asked Matoro. “What's a Piraka?”
“There's six of them,” replied Chomper. “Big, strong, spiky back, weird weapons and powers, smiling faces like sharpteeth. Oh, and they've turned every Matoran on this island into slaves.”
“Sounds to me like a bunch of Makuta wannabes,” commented Hewkii. “I say we we take them down.”
“No,” said Jaller. “Not now. We came here to find the Toa Nuva, and that's what we're going to do first. Come on, let's get going.” The group of new Toa and young dinosaurs followed Jaller as he led them towards the volcano at the center of the island, figuring it was as good a place as any to start looking.
________
The group had been walking for only a few minutes when the rainfall stopped. Although it brought some relief to some of them, others were still uneasy by the current series of events.
Kongu, in particular, was frustrated by the apparent lack of a real plan. “We're ever-wandering in the dark,” said Kongu as loud as he could while still whispering. “We have no idea where we are, where the Toa-heroes are, or what else might be on this island. And our guides are just as lost-wandering as we are. What's wrong with this carving?”
The last sentence was what finally caught Jaller's attention. “What do you want us to do?” asked Jaller. “Turn back? Sit on the beach until morning and talk everything out?”
“No, I just remember the Turaga's tales of what happens when Toa go off without a plan.”
“He has a point,” said Hahli in agreement.
Jaller stopped and turned around to face the group. “You're right, both of you,” said Jaller. “There was no point in listening to Turaga Vakama's tales if we aren't going to learn from them, but let's keep this short. The Toa Nuva may need us.”
The other Toa were quite surprised by Jaller's reaction. They had expected him to keep on arguing, like other Toa of Fire they knew of would have done. The young dinosaurs also had to admit that the new Toa were right. What was the point of going anywhere without a plan?
“We need a plan, but we don't have a plan, so let's come up with a plan right now so we can figure out what to do first,” suggested Ruby.
Nuparu sat down on a rock and said, “I'll start by taking this mask off for a second. I miss my old one. This one just doesn't feeló”
As soon as Nuparu's mask left his face, a very bight light suddenly lit up the entire area. The other Toa and the young dinosaurs were quickly forced to shield their eyes from the light. Nuparu looked around to find the source of the illumination, but it appeared to him to be coming from everywhere.
“What theó?” said Chomper in complete surprise at what was happening.
“Put your mask back on!” exclaimed Cera.
The tone of Cera's voice had made Nuparu think that she had spotted danger, so he did as he was told. As soon as he put his Kanohi mask back on his face, the blinding light suddenly went out. Everyone uncovered their eyes and stared at Nuparu in confusion.
“That was strange,” said Nuparu, curious about the strange event.
“That was your face,” replied Hewkii.
“Very funny,” retorted Nuparu. “You're no vision of beauty yourself, Hewkii.”
Hahli shook her head and said, “He's not joking. When you took your mask off, your face gave off a blinding glow. I couldn't even see your features.”
“Let's talk in there,” said Hewkii, gesturing towards a nearby cave. “No point in lighting up the night and letting everyone else here know our location.”
“Good idea,” said Petrie in agreement, before following the Toa into the cave.
“It is a good idea. It is, it is,” added Ducky as Spike carried her towards the cave.
Everyone soon crowded into the cave, which was barely large enough for all of them to fit comfortably inside. Once everyone was inside, Hahli volunteered to remove her mask. Like Nuparu, her maskless face gave off a blinding glow.
“A little warning would have been nice,” said Cera irritatedly as she held her forelegs over her eyes.
“Something's wrong,” said Matoro. “I saw Toa Kopaka take off his mask once, and nothing like that happened. What kind of Toa are we?”
“I don't know, but I sure would like to know,” replied Ruby.
“That's not the only unusual thing here,” said Hahli, holding out her mask. “Take my mask. Tell me what you think.”
Matoro reached out and took Hahli's mask. He immediately realized what was so strange about this mask. This one felt more soft and flexible than any other Kanohi mask he ever held. It felt more like the fleshy, organic tissue of a dinosaur and less like the metallic armor of a Toa. Then something happened and he suddenly dropped the mask in shock.
“It moved!” exclaimed Matoro. “I mean... I think it moved... in my hand.”
“Don't be ridiculous,” said Cera. “It's a mask. Masks can't move.”
“Yeah, they're objects,” agreed Hewkii as he reached for the mask. “They're notó” As soon as he touched the mask, everyone noticed that it slightly recoiled. Hewkii quickly pulled back and looked up at everyone. “Alive?”
The gang was just as surprised as the Toa were. They couldn't help but think how things just seemed to get weirder and weirder.
“Put your mask back on,” said Jaller to Hahli.
“I'm not so sure I want to,” said Hahli. She then joked, “What if it bites?”
“Do it anyway. I feel like I'm having a conversation with a lightstone.” Indeed, it did seem rather strange to hear Hahli's voice but not see her face through the glare.
Hahli hesitated for a second before she grabbed her mask. It didn't move or do anything else. She then placed the Kanohi mask back on her face, putting out the intense light. Everyone uncovered their eyes, but were still very surprised by the turn of events.
“Well,” said Nuparu. “I always wondered what it would be like to become a Toa. Somehow, I never pictured blinding features and moving masks.”
“Speaking of your masks, I wonder what powers they have,” asked Littlefoot, curiously.
“I know one of them,” replied Jaller. He then immediately turned to Kongu and asked, “Kongu, what am I thinking?”
Before Kongu could say anything, he heard a voice in his head. It sounded just like Jaller's voice. After “listening” for a minute, he replied, “You're remembering a Muaka that threatened Ta-Koro three years ago. You and the Guard needed two days to drive-chase it off and... how did I know that?”
Kongu wasn't the only one freaked out by this. The gang was especially shocked. Did Kongu just read Jaller's mind?
“It's a Mask of Telepathy, remember?” said Jaller. “When we found it, Toa Takanuva was able to read Hahli's thoughts. It changed, like the Matoran masks we were wearing, into this more organic form, but it still works.”
“Well, I've never heard of a Mask of... Tel-uh-puh-thee before,” commented Ruby. “I guess that means the rest of your masks are ones we've never heard of before either. That means they also have powers that we've never heard of before.”
“Yeah, even I'm interested to see what they can do,” added Cera.
“Despite the masks' strange appearances, I am willing to bet they work the same as the ones we know... who knows, maybe better,” said Jaller.
Nuparu stood up and said, “That's great to hear, but how do we use them? Remember how long it took the Toa Metru to master their mask powers in Turaga Vakama's tale? We have no training in using Great Masks and they won't activate just by saying, ëI wish my mask worked.’”
As soon as those words left his mouth, Nuparu suddenly shot straight up into the air, slammed into the cave ceiling, and fell back down to the ground, stunned. Everyone just stood there with their jaws open at the very bizarre sight they had just witnessed.
Finally, it was Hewkii who broke the silence. “On the other hand, maybe they will,” commented Hewkii.
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Read and review, as always.
Here are the images of the characters first seen in this chapter:
Jaller (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/a/aa/Jaller_Inika.PNG)
Hahli (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/a/af/Hahli_Inika.PNG)
Kongu (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/f/f9/Kongu_Inika.PNG)
Matoro (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/e/e2/Matoro_Inika.PNG)
Hewkii (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/7/72/Hewkii_Inika.PNG)
Nuparu (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/7/78/Nuparu_Inika.PNG)
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Partly because this was a shorter chapter, I’m afraid I don’t have much to say about it. There was a lot of borrowed text in this chapter, but I don’t have any suggestions for reducing it. I did feel that the gang didn’t have much of a presence in this chapter, and that the reunion between them and the new Toa was missing something; I’m not entirely sure what. Did the Toa know that the gang would be on Voya Nui? They seemed remarkably unsurprised, not even asking them how they had come to be there.
I liked the scenes with the Toa discovering their new features and abilities, such as the glowing faces and organic masks. And I thought the incident at the end of the chapter was hilarious. :lol Perhaps these living masks respond to commands? :p (Doesn’t explain the glowing faces thing, though.)
“Yes, Littlefoot, we are,” replied Jaller, the new red-and-yellow armored Toa of Fire.
“I believe so,” replied Hahli, the new blue-and-white armored Toa of Water.
“Are you saying that a lightning strike is what turned us into Toa?” asked Hewkii, the new yellow-and-gray armored Toa of Stone.
“I suppose that makes sense,” commented Nuparu, the new black-and-gray armored Toa of Earth.
“That's not all,” added Kongu, the new green-and-gray armored Toa of Air, as he touched his mask.
“Just so you're aware, these are not the same masks we had always worn,” said Matoro, the new white-and-light-blue armored Toa of Ice.
In all of the above cases, there should be an additional hyphen between the colors and “armored”.
Personally, though, I think that rather than just making a repetitively patterned passing mention of the color of their armor as you introduce the Toa, you give each of them a more thorough individual description, describing their former relationship to the gang as well as their physical appearance now. For example, something like, “Hewkii, whom the gang had known as the Koli champion of the stone village of Po-Koro, was now a Toa of Stone, with yellow and gray armor and (describe weapons, if he has them at this point).”
“It's the fact that they went missing and the Turaga told us nothing about it. They were keeping secrets from us again! I was fortunate to have Turaga Nokama come to me to explain everything. I knew I had to do something, so I gathered these guys ó as well as Takanuva ó to find the Toa Nuva.”
Who is speaking here?
“Very funny*” retorted Nuparu. “You're no vision of beauty yourself, Hewkii.”
*Insert comma.
“A little warning would have been nice,” said Cera, irritatedly as she held her forelegs over her eyes.
This comma doesn’t belong.
“Put you mask back on,” said Jaller to Hahli.
Should be “your”.
Hahli hesitated for a second before she grabbed her mask. I didn't move or do anything else.
Should be “it”.
Nuparu stood up and said, “That great to hear, but how do we use them?
Should be “that’s”.
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Pangaea: Thanks for those suggestions. I guess I've been working on this story for so long that I've forgotten some things in the earlier chapters. Hopefully, the revisions I've made in the previous chapter are good enough. Also, I wonder why you considered it a short chapter. Compared to all the other chapters I've written before (including my previous story) this chapter had a rather moderate length (4 or 5 pages). I guess the last few chapters were so often longer than usual (7 to 15 pages) that it gave you the idea that this chapter was short. Oh well, if shorter chapters makes it easier for you to review this quickly, then I won't change my plans.
I've uploaded the previous chapter on fanfiction.net earlier today, but for some reason, it's not showing up at all, even a few hours afterward. Oh well, as long as I can still post new chapters here, I'll be fine. Anyway, here's the next chapter.
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Chapter 12
Out-of-Control Mask Powers
Once Nuparu had recovered, the group of rookie Toa and young dinosaurs left the cave to talk about what to do next. However, none of them could keep their minds off of what had just happened to the Toa of Earth.
Chomper was walking beside Nuparu as they left the cave. “So, Nuparu...” said Chomper, unsure about what to say. “That sure was a strange thing that happened to you.”
“Yeah, it was,” replied Nuparu, wondering what could have caused it. As soon as he thought that it might have had something to do with his mask, he suddenly shot straight up into the air again. This time, there was no cave ceiling to bring him back down.
Everyone immediately turned their attention to the rapidly ascending Toa of Earth. “What's happening?” asked Littlefoot in shock.
“He thinks it has something to do with his mask,” replied Kongu, who knew the answer only because of his own mask power.
Nuparu eventually managed to stop his ascent. His shouts of terror ended when he looked around. What an incredible view! Having spent his entire life working in underground caverns and tunnels, he had never imagined what it would be like to see the world from so high up. He thought about how much it felt like he was flying. When that last word crossed his mind, he suddenly shot forward through the sky. He then panicked and tried to slow down or at least change direction. He was now swooping, diving, and making sharp turns so haphazardly that he made even a hatchling flyer seem very graceful at flying. He wasn't sure anymore whether to shout in joy or terror, but shout he did.
Meanwhile, Kongu couldn't hide his feelings of jealousy. If anyone should have gotten a Mask of Flight, it should have been him. Not only was he a Toa of Air, but he was also the best Gukko rider of all the Matoran. A Toa of Earth, on the other hand, was the least qualified of any kind of Toa to have such a mask, in Kongu's opinion.
“Whoa, look out!” shouted Nuparu as he swooped down so low that everyone had to duck their heads.
“What's he doing up there?” asked Cera.
“He doesn't know how to safe-land,” Kongu immediately replied. There were more reasons, but he chose not to share them. Ever since he had used his mask power on Jaller in the cave, he had been unable to turn it off. He kept trying to, but it only caused him to now hear everyone's thoughts. Jaller was worried that things were quickly getting out of control; Hahli was trying to remember everything Toa Gali had taught her in hopes of being a better Toa; Hewkii was upset that no one had mentioned that his armor was now yellow instead of brown; Cera was getting concerned the new Toa might end up killing themselves before the Piraka would get a chance; Petrie couldn't decide whether or not he should fly up to Nuparu and help him; Chomper needed to relieve himself ó an image Kongu did not want in his mind ó but was too scared to leave the group on his own; and Ruby, in one way or another, always seemed to have Matoro on her mind. Needless to say, it was a miracle Kongu hadn't gone crazy by now.
Meanwhile, up in the air, Nuparu was about to slam head-first into a peak, but managed to bank away at the last possible moment.
“Whoa!” exclaimed Littlefoot as he saw that. “That was too close!”
“We'd better do something before he hurts himself,” said Cera.
Jaller came up with a possible solution. He said, “Matoro, can you use your ice power to, I don't know, hold him in place for a second andó” He immediately stopped when he turned to Matoro.
Matoro was lying down on the ground. He wasn't moving and the light in his eyes was out. In other words, he appeared to be dead.
Everyone quickly turned their attention to the fallen Toa of Ice, ignoring Nuparu's problems.
Ruby immediately rushed to Matoro's side. “Matoro, are you okay?” she asked, tears already forming in her eyes. “Are you okay, Matoro? Matoro? Matoro!”
“Is he...?” asked Ducky, too worried to finish her question.
“I don't know,” replied Littlefoot.
“I don't think so,” replied Jaller. “What could have happened? We were standing right beside him. No one could have attacked.”
“Perhaps it's these masks,” suggested Hewkii. “Maybe they're trying to kill us.”
“If that's true, then why would they start with Matoro?” wondered Littlefoot. “He never got a chance to use his mask power.”
“No, I don't understand it, either.”
Most of the group now turned their attention towards Hahli, who appeared to be having a conversation with nothing but empty air.
“Just relax,” continued Hahli. “We'll figure this out, I promise.”
“Figure what out?” asked Cera. “Who are you talking to?”
“Maybe she talking to imaginary friend,” suggested Petrie.
“Actually, she thinks she's happy-talking to Matoro,” reported Kongu, thanks to his mask. “But that's obviously ridiculous, since Matoro is right here and isn't much of a conversationalist right now.”
Ruby, taking that comment as an insult to Matoro, glared at Kongu.
“You're wrong,” said Hahli. “Only his body is over there. His spirit is floating in the air over here, and no, I don't know how it happened. Matoro thinks it has something to do with his mask. He says there are five Matoran not far away who are looking for us.”
“How does he know?” asked Cera, already losing patience with this series of bizarre situations.
Hahli hesitated and looked down at the ground, knowing the answer was going to make the others think that she had lost her mind. Finally, she said, “Um, well, he says he flew through the mountains... straight through the rock, like it wasn't wasn't there... and he saw them... but they couldn't hear him or see him.”
Everyone looked at each other, then back to Hahli. Clearly, Hahli's fears seemed to be proven.
Kongu was the first one to speak up. “Sure,” he muttered. “He's flying, Nuparu's flying, everyone's flying but the one who knows how to fly.” He then quickly turned to Petrie and added, “Don't say it.”
“What were you going to say?” asked Ducky to Petrie, whispering to avoid getting Kongu more upset.
“Just that me know how to fly because me wind-flyer,” replied Petrie, also whispering.
Hoping to put an end to this strange situation, Jaller asked Hahli, “Can he reverse... whatever happened?”
Hahli turned back to the space of empty air and said, “Try.”
About a second later, Matoro stirred, the light in his eyes returning. He quickly sat up as if he had just awakened from a very bad dream. “What? Where?” said Matoro in confusion. “Mata Nui, what a dream...”
Ruby immediately hugged the Toa of Ice by the neck in happiness. “Matoro, you are okay!” she cried. “You are okay, Matoro!”
Matoro gently pushed the Fast Runner away and turned to Hahli.
“I don't think it was a dream,” said Hahli as she knelt down beside him. “I saw you, even if the others didn't.”
“If that was your mask power, then that sure is quite a mask power,” remarked Ruby. She then turned to Hahli. “How were you able to see his spirit when none of us could see his spirit?”
“Could that be your mask power?” wondered Littlefoot.
“A mask that can see spirits?” added Ducky.
“I'm not so sure I want to know what my mask does,” remarked Hewkii. “For all I know, it might turn me into a Le-Matoran or something like that.”
“You wish,” retorted Kongu.
Jaller ignored all of this and turned his attention towards Matoro. “Which way are these Matoran?” asked Jaller. “Keep in mind, we can't walk through solid rock.”
Matoro pointed to the north and said, “They're scared, Jaller, of something or someone called ëPiraka.’ I've got the feeling they are the only Matoran on this island still free.”
Jaller helped the Toa of Ice to his feet and said, “Let's go find them. The more I find out about this place, the more worried about the Toa Nuva I become.”
“Before we go anywhere,” Kongu spoke up, “can somebody please go with Chomper so he can take care of some business?”
“Sorry, Kongu,” said Chomper, embarrassed. “I just wasn't sure how to say it in front of everyone.” He was now so desperate to relieve himself that he was now slightly hopping around.
“Don't worry, Chomper,” assured Ruby. “I'll go with you so you don't have to go alone.” The two of them then left the group and headed around some large rocks.
The other Toa turned to Kongu in confusion. Hahli was about to say something, but Kongu stopped her and simply said, “Don't ask.”
Cera then looked around at the group and said, “You know, I'm getting the feeling we're forgetting someone.”
The answer came in the form of Nuparu's shouts as he continued to fly around overhead.
“No worry-problem, me get him,” said Petrie as he took off and flew towards the airborne Toa of Earth.
Nuparu was still flying back and forth across the sky, but he stopped changing his speed and direction due to being distracted by Petrie flying in front of his face. “Oh, hello, Petrie,” said Nuparu, sounding nervous. At this point, he was hoping that his crazy flight might soon come to an end.
“You no need to worry, me quick-teach you how to fly,” said Petrie.
“I don't know about that,” said Nuparu in concern. “In case if you haven't noticed, I don't have wings.” He held his arms out to prove his point.
“Still, it worth a try.”
“I suppose.”
Petrie did everything he could to teach Nuparu how to fly. After a few quick lessons, Petrie eventually helped Nuparu descend low enough to be able to talk to the rest of the group. By that time, Chomper and Ruby had already returned to the group.
While attempting to stop, Nuparu put his feet forward ó assuming that stopping in midair would be like stopping on the ground ó but ended up flipping backwards until he was facing down towards the ground, finally stopping his wild flight. “Okay, I think I'm stable now,” said Nuparu, holding out his arms and legs as if expecting to fall to the ground at any second. “So what did I miss?”
“Nothing much,” replied Hewkii. “Just Matoro discovering his mask power, which separates his spirit from his body.”
“Whoa, and I thought I had a strange mask power.”
Jaller turned to Nuparu and reported, “While he was using his mask power, Matoro found five Matoran wandering around and looking for us. Since you're still airborne, perhaps you can scout ahead and try to find them. You'll find them somewhere north of here.”
“I'm on it,” said Nuparu before flying off in that direction.
“I'm not sure if he'll find them,” said Hahli.
“What do you mean?” asked Littlefoot.
“I have a feeling those Matoran would have moved on by now. Do you think you can use your mask power again to find them, Matoro?”
“No thank you,” Matoro quickly replied. “I'm still disturbed by the last experience. I don't know if I'll ever get used to this mask. Besides, we have Nuparu flying around instead. I'm sure he'll find them.”
The group then began to head in the direction of where the Matoran might be. The route was a long and winding path through hills and mountains. Despite the rough terrain, they had no choice but to take that route.
About a few minutes later, Nuparu returned to report what he had seen. Missing the feeling of walking around, he muttered to himself, “If only there was a way to shut this thing off.” And just like that, Nuparu dropped back to the ground.
“Lucky,” grumbled Kongu in jealousy as the Toa of Earth stood up.
“Did you find them?” asked Ducky.
“No,” replied Nuparu, “but I did find something that was definitely not a Matoran or a Toa. A face only a mother Manas could love, and he's armed.”
“Only one?” asked Jaller.
Nuparu nodded. “Blue armor, nasty spikes, weapons in both hands. I saw him make a rock explode just by glancing at it.”
“Yup, that's definitely a Piraka,” stated Cera.
“Yeah, that's... which one was the blue one?” asked Chomper.
“I think it was Vezok,” replied Littlefoot.
“Sounds like someone we should talk to,” said Jaller.
“Yeah, let's take him down,” said Hewkii in agreement. The others looked at him in confusion.
“You sure seem eager-happy to fight that thing,” commented Kongu.
“Hey, I'm a Toa of Stone now. A rock has been destroyed. I have to avenge it, don't I?”
Cera rolled her eyes and muttered, “Po-Matoran.”
“Come on, let's keep going,” said Jaller as he continued to lead the group along the path.
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Read and review, as always.
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I've never actually watched Bionicle before, but I do find this fanfic quite interesting! :) Keep it up, Chronicler.
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I wonder why you considered it a short chapter. Compared to all the other chapters I've written before (including my previous story) this chapter had a rather moderate length (4 or 5 pages). I guess the last few chapters were so often longer than usual (7 to 15 pages) that it gave you the idea that this chapter was short.
Oh, really? Yes, that must have been the case. I thought it felt like a short chapter, and when I compared it to the last couple of chapters, I concluded that it was. :oops
The changes you made to the last chapter are a definite improvement, by the way. :yes
Evidently you did a really good job writing this chapter, because I didn’t find any errors. :!
It still feels like the gang are kinda shoehorned into the Bionicle storyline without much effect on the plot, though since this chapter is mostly just conversation (and the Toa figuring out how their masks work), I suppose it can’t be helped here. However, something else has occurred to me: this is a Bionicle fanfiction as well as a LBT fanfiction, but from what I’ve seen, the Bionicle characters have hardly done anything that deviates from the series storyline this is based on (except when said storyline is altered by virtue of the gang’s involvement). I think you should try to add some new scenes, dialogue, and other original story material for the Bionicle characters as well. For instance, I thought it would be kind of interesting if Kongu brought up Hewkii’s unspoken complaint about the others not mentioning his new armor color.
Here’s another thought that just sprung to mind: if the Toa were to wear each other’s masks, would they be able to use each other’s powers? Or do the living masks only allow a specific Toa to use each of their powers? I think you could base a sceneóor at least a conversationóoff of this.
He was now swooping, diving, and making sharp turns so haphazardly that he made even a hatchling flyer seem very graceful at flying.
I loved this line. :lol
Kongu was the first one to speak up. “Sure,” he muttered. “He's flying, Nuparu's flying, everyone's flying but the one who knows how to fly.” He then quickly turned to Petrie and added, “Don't say it.”
And this line positively cracked me up. :lol :lol :lol
Petrie did everything he could to teach Nuparu how to fly, made much more difficult by the fact that he didn't have wings. After a few quick lessons, Petrie eventually helped Nuparu descend low enough to be able to talk to the rest of the group.
Personally, I would have liked to have seen this written out in more detail, with dialogue (I think it would have been a good opportunity to showcase some interaction between the gang and the Toa, and would have been fun to read as well), though compared to many previous instances in which I have suggested rewriting part of a chapter in greater detail, this might not have as much of an effect on the quality of the story.
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Pangaea: I'm not sure if you noticed, but I already have been adding new scenes and dialogue into this story. For example, you may have noticed in that chapter that, in the text I used, the scene jumps from Matoro getting up to Nuparu returning to report his findings. Instead of having it be just a break between scenes, I wrote more details and dialogue. It's not the first time I've done this in this story, and I'm certain that it won't be the last.
Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I added a new chapter to this story. At least I'll be able to get back into a routine of posting a new chapter every Saturday evening, now that I don't have to worry about college for the next few months. Seeing as there have been a lot of new members here recently, I'm hoping to see what they think of my fanfic. Here's the next chapter.
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Chapter 13
Piraka Attack!
The group of new Toa and young dinosaurs continued their trek across the rugged terrain until they were stopped by a major obstacle. They now stood at the edge of a large gorge, the bottom of which was filled with lava. The gap was too far to jump, and there appeared to be no way to walk around it in a short amount of time. Not knowing if the Matoran were in any danger, they had to find some other way across.
“Now what?” asked Cera, frustrated at encountering an obstacle that seemed impassable.
Jaller had an idea, but wasn't sure if some of the others would like it. Still, he couldn't think of any other way. He turned to Nuparu and said, “You'll have to fly us over.”
“Now wait a minute,” interjected Kongu. “Let's be sensible here. Nuparu and I can switch masks, and I'll do the flying.”
Jaller had been expecting a reaction like that. He was going to say something in response, but Nuparu did so first.
“That does make sense,” said Nuparu. “I can't argue with it, but destiny, for whatever reason, gave me this mask. There has to be a reason for that.”
“Destiny has a sense of humor?” asked Kongu, rhetorically.
“I think I'm supposed to have it,” continued the Toa of Earth. “I'm not going to give it up just yet.” Then he smiled. “Besides, I think flying is kind of fun.”
“Me agree!” exclaimed Petrie, already flying around Nuparu. “Flying very happy-fun!”
Kongu shook his head and said, “Wonderful, they can deep-carve that on our memorial stones ó ëBut at least Nuparu had fun.’”
Nuparu activated his mask power and rose into the air. He then grabbed Kongu by the shoulders and lifted him into the air.
“Hey! I didn't quick-agree to go first!” protested Kongu as he was quickly carried across the gorge.
When they reached the other side, Nuparu simply dropped the Toa of Air to the ground, mostly because he was still so new to such an experience. “This is amazing!” said Nuparu in joy as he carried Matoro over in a similar way. “Why, if I built some tools that would help me stay level and steer, this mask would work even better!”
“It's a mask, Nuparu,” said Hewkii in annoyance. “I don't think you need tools to make it work.” One second later, he was the next one to be carried across the gorge.
After dropping off the Toa of Stone, Nuparu flew back to the other side and asked, “Who's next?”
“Take the kids, Jaller and I will go last,” replied Hahli.
Since the young dinosaurs were much shorter than the Toa, Nuparu had to actually land before he could grab them.
“I'm not so sure aboutó” said Cera before she was picked up and carried across the gorge, screaming all the way. Nuparu's other arm was around Spike with Ducky hanging on.”Put me down! Put me down!” shouted Cera. They had already reached the other side, so Nuparu simply dropped them to the ground, as he had done with everyone else. After hitting the ground, Cera got up and exclaimed, “Not like that!”
“That the spirit, Nuparu!” encouraged Petrie as he watched the Toa of Earth carry Littlefoot, Ruby, and Chomper across.
Meanwhile, Hahli was finding it hard to ignore a strange headache she was having. In fact, the closer they got to the volcano, the worse it seemed to get. Not sure what it meant, she turned to Jaller and said, “You should go next.”
“No, I insist you go next,” responded Jaller. “I'll act as rear guard.”
Hahli reluctantly agreed as Nuparu gently grabbed her by the shoulders and began to carry her across. They were halfway across when something went wrong. A sudden strong gust of wind blew across the gorge. Still new to flying, Nuparu was thrown off balance and lost his grip on the Toa of Water.
“Hahli!” shouted Littlefoot in terror as he and the others watched helplessly.
Jaller, apparently without thinking, ran and jumped off the edge of the gorge and caught Hahli. It seemed that now both of them were doomed to fall into the lava, but he somehow managed to use the momentum to flip through the air and land feet-first on the edge of the other side of the gorge. Everyone stared at the Toa of Fire in disbelief.
“Whoa, that was a new one,” said Hewkii.
“That impressive move was a very impressive move, Jaller,” commented Ruby.
“Even I found that one amazing,” added Cera.
“Who taught you how to do that?” asked Chomper.
After putting Hahli down, Jaller simply shrugged and said, “No one. It was the only thing to do, but... it shouldn't have worked. We should both be in the lava. I can't understand how...”
“Could it be your mask?” asked Hahli.
“What, it's a Mask of Leaping?” joked Kongu.
“Or maybe something much more powerful,” said Nuparu as he landed next to them. “I think we should test it, Jaller, and... I'm sorry about what happened.”
“That's okay, I forgive you,” responded Jaller.
Everyone then turned their attention to Kongu, almost expecting him to say another of his cutting remarks. Instead, he smiled and threw his arm around Nuparu's shoulders. “Come here, Toa-hero,” said Kongu. “Let me quick-teach you a little something about updrafts and downdrafts. I don't want you to crash and break that mask.”
Everyone couldn't help but laugh at this comment. It was good to see Kongu finally willing to accept the given mask powers of him and his fellow Toa.
The laughter was short-lived when Matoro spotted something. “Look out!” he shouted. Before anyone could react, a green sphere flew through the air and struck the Toa of Ice in the chest, creating a flash of electricity as it passed through him.
“No!” shouted Ruby in defeat. She and the other young dinosaurs had learned from Garan and the other Matoran that the Piraka had enslaved the Matoran of Voya Nui by firing green spheres like that one at them. They knew what this would mean for their friend. The Toa were unaware of that knowledge, so they waited to see what would happen. The blue-armored Piraka, Vezok, stepped out of his hiding place to see the results.
They all waited a few seconds. Nothing happened.
Vezok looked at his launcher in frustration. He fired another sphere at Matoro. Again, it hit him, and again, nothing happened. “What's going on here?” grumbled Vezok. “You should be enslaved!”
The gang was especially confused by this turn of events. Matoro had just taken two of those enslavement spheres and he appeared to have been completely unaffected. What was it that made him immune to those spheres?
“Oh, is that what that does?” said Matoro. He then raised his ice sword, figuring this must be the Piraka he heard about. “Then I don't feel so bad about doing this.”
Matoro focused his elemental energy and concentrated it into his weapon. He and the others had expected a blast of ice to fly forward, like he had seen Toa Kopaka do hundreds of times, but something different happened. The weapon glowed brightly before releasing a white beam of ice that was combined with lightning.
The Piraka took the full force of the attack, both the freezing cold of the ice and the jolting pain of the electricity all at once. He went down hard, but just seconds later, he jumped back to his feet with a huge grin on his face.
“That can't be good,” muttered Cera.
Vezok put away the launcher in his left hand, allowing him to have a free hand with which to fire the same exact attack he had just been hit with. His target was the Toa of Fire.
Jaller didn't think there was any way he could have avoided that attack, but he somehow managed to twist his body away just enough to dodge the ice blast. For a moment, he thought he had sensed the mask was actually approving of his actions. He was quite sure that most masks were incapable of such a life-like action, but he had to admit that it was far from the first weird detail about the organic masks that he and the other Toa wore. “So it is the mask,” muttered Jaller just loud enough for Littlefoot to hear him. It was now clear to Jaller that it was his mask power that allowed him to pull off incredible athletic feats. He then got up and said to the Piraka, “You picked the wrong Toa to throw snowballs at.”
Jaller raised his flame sword and focused his elemental energy into it. Like Matoro, Jaller's elemental flame attack was combined with lightning. Again, Vezok took the attack and went down. A few seconds later, he jumped back to his feet again.
“Get ready,” warned Matoro. “He duplicated my power when I used it on him. He'll do the same with Jaller's, but I'm guessing he can't handle more than one power at a time.”
Vezok put away his other weapon so that now both of his hands were free. He had a huge grin on his face as he raised his hands and said, “Guess again.” He unleashed both attacks at once. From his left hand, he fired an ice blast at Hahli. From his right hand, he fired a fire blast at Matoro.
Both Toa hit the ground. Ruby, Ducky, and Spike rushed over to check on them. They were okay, but not strong enough to fight back for the moment.
“Hey!” exclaimed Cera. “That's not fair!”
Vezok burst out laughing as if he had just heard the funniest joke ever. He looked at the young Threehorn and said, “Kid, let me give you a life lesson about the real world: Nothing is fair!” He then used his impact vision, sending Cera flying back a few bio. Petrie rushed over to check on her. She was sore, but alright.
“Stay behind us, kids,” said Jaller as he, Kongu, Nuparu, and Hewkii stood shoulder to shoulder between Vezok and the young dinosaurs. After what happened to Cera, they didn't want anyone else to get seriously hurt.
Hoping to find some useful information, Kongu used his mask power on Vezok. It took him only a second to realize what a bad idea it was. He cringed and exclaimed, “Muaka bones! It's a pest-hole in there! I've crawled through Rama nests that were cleaner than that!”
With that effort failed, Jaller knew he had to take the standard approach. “Who are you? What do you want?” asked Jaller.
“My name is Vezok,” replied the Piraka, confirming for the gang which one he was. “My partners and I have already claimed this island by right of conquest, and we don't like trespassers.”
“That's too bad,” taunted Nuparu. “We'reó”
“I know what you are,” interrupted Vezok. “Toa. I could smell you a kio away. You all have that ëdoomed do-gooder’ stench.”
Taking advantage of the distraction, Hewkii picked up a large boulder that was about the size of his torso. Unfortunately, Vezok had spotted him before he had a chance to throw it.
Vezok simply smiled at this foolish attempt. “Drop that or I'll freeze-fry your pals!” threatened Vezok.
Hewkii wasn't sure what to do at first. He knew this Piraka was a threat that had to be stopped. He didn't want to back down, but he also didn't want his friends and fellow Toa to get hurt. Then a strange thought crossed his mind. To him, it seemed like it came from his mask. Whatever it was, he had to admit that it was a crazy idea, but it just might work. He just had to trust his mask.
Hewkii shrugged and simply tossed the boulder aside. Spike, Ruby, and Matoro were the only ones who paid attention long enough to notice something unusual. The boulder hit another rock, deflecting it towards another rock, which then deflected it towards yet another rock, and this pattern just kept on going.
“Do yourselves a favor,” continued Vezok, oblivious to the unnatural trajectory of the boulder. “Clear off Voya Nui while you still can, or you'll wind up like those other Toa. You can't beat one Piraka, let alone six.”
“Guess again,” said Hewkii with a smile on his face. The flying boulder deflected off one more rock before it finally hit its target. The boulder slammed into Vezok's back, causing him to stumble forward from the surprise of it.
Taking advantage of this unexpected attack, Nuparu activated his mask power and flew straight at the Piraka, knocking him flat on his back. The other three Toa rushed over before he could get up.
“What was that?” asked Chomper about the boulder.
Hewkii simply smiled and said, “That was my mask power.”
“Wow, I guess this means we now know everyone's mask powers,” commented Ruby.
Meanwhile, Vezok had raised his hands and was preparing to strike back with his absorbed powers when Jaller stopped him by pointing his weapon at the Piraka's throat.
“Think about it, can you get off a blast before I do? Are you fast enough?” warned Jaller. He turned his head a bit so that he was now perfectly face-to-face with Vezok. “I don't need a Mask of Telepathy to know what's going through your head. You figure we're new to being Toa, maybe not quick enough or skilled enough to use our powers, and you're right. But, you see, there's only one problem... I'm so new, I can't always control my flame. I might want to just singe you, Vezok... but poor novice Toa that I am, I could slip... and burn your head clean off.”
Jaller had spoken so quietly that of the young dinosaurs, only Littlefoot and Chomper ó who were also the only ones who hadn't gone back to check on their downed friends ó had heard him. Jaller's threat had actually scared them a bit. Would this threat make the Piraka back down? If not, would Jaller go through with his threat?
Reluctantly, Vezok lowered his hands and held back his attack.
Kongu decided to turn back and check on Hahli, Matoro, and Cera to make sure they were okay, even though he already knew they were okay and already back on their feet. His main reason for doing so was to avoid getting exposed to any more of the Piraka's disturbing thoughts.
“Get up,” ordered Jaller to Vezok. “You're going to take us to those other Toa you mentioned.”
“Sure,” replied Vezok in defeat as he stood up. “I've never liked the smell of something burning... especially when it's me.”
Jaller shoved the Piraka ahead of him and began to follow. Hewkii and Matoro followed by Jaller's side. Behind them were Hahli and Nuparu to protect the young dinosaurs, followed by Kongu who acted as rear guard. The gang was quite nervous with this predicament. “Are you sure it's such a good idea to follow a Piraka?” asked Cera.
“He may be our only lead to the Toa Nuva,” replied Jaller.
Before Jaller could say anything else, Kongu picked up a devious thought from Vezok and shouted a warning. Before anyone could react, Vezok threw an ice blast and a fire blast at each other, resulting in the rapid creation of a large wall of steam that completely blocked everyone's view of the Piraka. Kongu moved quickly and used his elemental powers of air to blow away the cloud. Once the obstruction was gone, the Piraka was nowhere to be found.
“Do we track him?” asked Matoro.
Jaller shook his head and said, “I don't think it's worth it. He knows the island, and we don't.”
“If you follow him, he will pick you off one by one.”
Everyone immediately turned their attention to the source of that voice, which belonged to an Onu-Matoran who had just stepped out from behind a few large rocks nearby. Despite the lack of light, the gang immediately recognized him as their friend, Garan.
“He will be heading back to the stronghold to warn Zaktan of your approach,” Garan quickly continued. “We need to make our plans before he reaches there.”
“Zaktan? Stronghold? Who are you?” asked Matoro. The gang suddenly realized they had not yet told the new Toa much about what had happened on Voya Nui.
“My name is Garan,” replied the Onu-Matoran. “I will tell you my story on our journey. I'd suggest you listen, if you ever hope to leave this island alive.”
Everyone followed Garan as he led them towards the coast. “At least it's nice to see you again, Garan,” commented Littlefoot.
The Toa looked at Littlefoot in confusion. “You know this Matoran?” asked Nuparu.
“Yeah, we've been friends with him and a few others ever since we got here,” replied Cera.
“Why didn't you tell us about this?” asked Hewkii.
“I guess we kind of forgot to tell you,” replied Chomper. “Sorry.”
“That's okay,” assured Jaller. “The important thing is that we will now know the whole story.”
______
As the group headed towards and walked along the rocky coast of Voya Nui Bay, Garan told the Toa about everything that had happened on Voya Nui ever since the Piraka had arrived. The gang occasionally helped Garan tell some parts of the story. Then Garan came to the part where even the gang had not known what had happened, starting with their entrance into the stronghold with the Toa Nuva.
Garan explained how they got inside after Toa Lewa made Reidak unintentionally break the door down. After the Toa Nuva found their masks, they immediately went to deal with the Piraka, who at that point were literally fighting each other. They were about to attack Zaktan when his powerful new ally took down all six Toa Nuva and all six Matoran with just one swing of his blade. Littlefoot immediately remembered that this powerful being was Brutaka, but chose not to speak up. Garan then explained how Vezok had questioned him once he had regained consciousness. Despite the threat of certain death, he had refused to tell the Piraka anything that he or the other Piraka would have wanted to hear. Vezok had been about to throw Garan into a lava pool when Balta and the other Matoran rescued him and escaped from the stronghold. It wasn't until they had gotten away that Garan had realized that Dalu was missing.
“Does anyone know what happened to Dalu?” asked Chomper.
Garan shook his head. “She wasn't with Balta and the others when they awoke,” replied Garan. “We can only hope that she managed to escape.”
“I just have one question: why do you insist that we walk along the coast?” asked Hewkii.
“The waters around Voya Nui are so treacherous that the Piraka aren't expecting enemies to arrive by sea. Instead, they've been focusing their attention on the air. It seems they're expecting someone to come looking for them, someone far more frightening than a Toa.” Garan then stopped when he realized something. He turned around and asked, “You are Toa, aren't you? You don't look like the Toa Nuva.”
“Yes, we are Toa, but not Toa Nuva,” replied Jaller. He thought for a moment about what kind of Toa he and the others really were. He thought about the lightning bolts from the Red Star that had made them Toa, the way their maskless faces glowed, the way their weapons gave off energy, and how their elemental attacks were fused with lightning. Jaller then added, “No, not Toa Nuva. Toa Inika.”
Everyone immediately turned their attention to Jaller. The name caught the other Toa by surprise, but it made sense to them. The young dinosaurs, on the other hand, were simply curious what that word meant.
“Inika?” asked Littlfoot. “What's a Toa Inika?”
“ëInika’ is a Matoran word that means ëthe energies of a star,’” replied Hahli.
Now that they knew what that word meant, the gang also realized that it made sense to call these new Toa by that name. However, they had also noticed that Hahli had her hand on her head, as if she wasn't feeling well. “Hahli? Are you okay?” asked Ducky.
“I don't know,” replied Hahli. “For some reason, I suddenly have this terrible headache. I don't know if it was the name Jaller came up with, or seeing that volcano in the distance, or maybe even both.” The pain suddenly intensified. Hahli reacted by removing her mask. As soon as she had done so, all of the pain had suddenly disappeared. “So it is the Kanohi,” she said to herself. “Yet, somehow I know that it's not an attack. No, the mask is trying to direct us, but where?”
“At least put your mask back on,” said Kongu in annoyance as he held his arm over his eyes.
Hahli had forgotten about how her maskless face gave off a blinding glow, so she put her mask back on, even though it caused her slight headache to return.
“I've never seen a Toa do that before,” said Garan as he unshielded his eyes.
“Believe me, you're not the first one to say that today,” said Cera.
“So how much further is it?” asked Nuparu to Garan.
“This way,” replied Garan as he led the group through a nearby tunnel in the rock. It led upwards with many twists and turns, getting narrower the further it went. At the end of the tunnel, Garan slid aside a rock that revealed hole that was barely large enough for them to fit through. Everyone followed the Onu-Matoran through the opening into a small chamber. Waiting inside were four other Matoran. The gang quickly noticed the absence of a certain Ga-Matoran.
“This is all of you?” asked Kongu. “Five Matoran on an entire island?”
“Five still free,” replied Balta.
“Make that six.”
Everyone turned their attention to another entrance to the chamber, where they saw Dalu. While the other Matoran simply smiled to see that she was okay, the gang cheered at this sight. Balta was so happy to see Dalu again that he actually walked up to her and hugged her for a moment. After returning the embrace to the Ta-Matoran, Dalu turned to Garan and quickly reported, “I tried to get away, but didn't make it very far. I saw enough to know that you're right; the Piraka alliance is fracturing.”
“Then it is time to strike,” said Kazi.
Dalu nodded in agreement. “Never a better one. Hakann, Reidak, Avak, and Thok are nowhere to be found. Zaktan is in a rage over it. No one is watching the Matoran workers on the slopes of the volcano.”
“Whoa, slow down,” interrupted Matoro. “What's going on here? Where are the Toa Nuva?”
The young dinosaurs were also just as confused. They knew the Piraka didn't trust each other, but had no idea just how much of an opportunity this time would be. They were also wondering what had happened to the Toa Nuva.
“Dead, if they're lucky,” replied Garan. “If not, Zaktan has them, and I doubt he'll be as easy on them as Vezok was on us. The Piraka are looking for a treasure hidden on this island ó your friends said it was a mask needed to save the life of the Great Spirit. They enslaved our people to help them get their claws on it, and we are going to stop them.”
Garan walked up to Jaller to make his point clear to the Toa of Fire. “Your fellow Toa tried to help and paid the price. If you want to turn and go, we will understand, but if you want to aid us, you must decide now. This chance to hit the Piraka hard may not come again.”
Jaller already knew what his decision would be, but more than anything else, he was determined to not repeat the mistakes made by previous Toa of Fire ó like Tahu or Vakama ó that made problems even worse. He turned to the other Toa and, one by one, they all nodded their heads. He then turned to the young dinosaurs, who were here only for reasons unknown to anyone. As one, they too nodded their heads.
Jaller turned back to Garan and said, “You point us in the right direction. We'll handle the hitting.”
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Read and review, as always. If all goes well, I'm hoping to get a lot of progress done on this story by the end of summer.
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Pangaea: I'm not sure if you noticed, but I already have been adding new scenes and dialogue into this story. For example, you may have noticed in that chapter that, in the text I used, the scene jumps from Matoro getting up to Nuparu returning to report his findings. Instead of having it be just a break between scenes, I wrote more details and dialogue. It's not the first time I've done this in this story, and I'm certain that it won't be the last.
Sorry, I didn't notice that. :oops I'm afraid my powers of perceptiveness and attention to detail have been going down the tubes lately…
So all of the Toa Inika’s mask powers have been revealed by this point: Nuparu’s is flight, Matoro’s is the ability to have out-of-body experiences, Jaller’s is athleticism, Kongu’s is mind-reading, Hahli’s is the ability to see and communicate with spirits, and Hewkii’s…I’m still a little unclear on his; some sort of telekinesis, or just the ability to precalculate the trajectory of a flying object?
For some reason, I can’t come up with much to say about this chapter (other than that I was amused by the part where Kongu attempts to read Vezok’s mind :lol). Something that’s been troubling me about my recent reviews is that I feel that my positive feedback is too heavily outweighed by my criticisms. I can’t confidently place a reason why this is; part of it might be that there’s essentially less original material for me to praise because the fanfic largely follows the same plot as the Bionicle storyline, or maybe I’m just in a psychological rut that’s causing me to enjoy stories less. I still intend to keep reviewing, but I feel guilty about how critical my reviews have been lately. :(
Matoro focused his elemental energy and concentrated it into his weapon. He and the others had expected a blast of ice to fly forward, like he had seen Toa Kopaka do hundreds of time, but something different happened.
”Time” should be “times”.
Spike, Ruby, and Matoro were the only ones who payed attention long enough to notice something unusual.
Should be “paid”.
You figure we're new to being Toa, maybe not quick enough or skilled enough to use our powers, and your right.
“Believe me, your not the first one to say that today,” said Cera.
Should be “you’re”.
“Sure,”*replied Vezok as he stood up. “I've never liked the smell of something burning... especially when it's me.”
*Insert space.
Also, I had a suggestion that applies to your writing style in general, and just happens to be well illustrated in this sentence: In many cases when you describe a character speaking, I think you can add a lot more expression to their lines just by adding a little more detail to the “_____ said” part of the sentence. For example, this sentence doesn’t do much to indicate Vezok’s state of mind at the moment; you can emphasize that he is feeling intimidated, apprehensive, or whatever other emotion he is intended to be experiencing just by adding an adjective like “nervously”, “hastily”, etc. (I know that you do this sometimes, but rather rarely, and I notice that it almost always follows the formula of “[speech verb] [character name] in [noun form of emotion]”, such as “said Nuparu in concern”.) Not only would this help to differentiate your story more from the book text (which, as far as I can see, is rather bare-bones as far as descriptiveness goes), but it makes the story much more interesting to read, and helps the reader to connect with the characters more.
Before anyone could react, Vezok threw an ice blast and a fire blast at each other, resulting in the rapid creation * a large wall of stream that completely blocked everyone's view of the Piraka.
Should be “steam”.
*Insert “of”.
I was surprised to see Garan return, but his entrance in this chapter almost made him feel like a stranger, rather than someone the gang knew. He didn’t address the gang at all when he first spoke, and I would have expected them (the gang) to greet him immediately and start asking him questions such as how he escaped from the Piraka, subsequently introducing him to the Toa when they ask the obligatory “you know him?” question. As it was, Garan seemed out-of-character to me (not that I’m too good at memorizing the individual personalities of all of the Bionicle characters in this story, but…); his speech mannerisms (unemotional, to-the-point, and deadly serious) reminded me more of Axonn than any of the Matoran the gang had befriended before.
Garan then explained how Vezok had questioned him once he has regained consciousness. Despite the threat of certain death, he had refused to tell the Piraka anything that he or the other Piraka would have wanted to hear. Vezok was about to throw Garan into a lava pool when Balta and the other Matoran rescued him and escaped from the stronghold. It wasn't until they had gotten away that Garan * realized that Dalu was missing.
”Has” should be “had” and “was” should be “had been”.
*Insert “had”.
The young dinosaurs, on the other hand, were simply curious by what that word meant.
Remove “by”.
“ëInika’ is a Matoran word that means ëthe energies of a star.[/COLOR=RED]’*” replied Hahli.
Remove period.
*Insert comma.
Then Garan came to the part that even the gang had not known what * happened, starting with their entrance into the stronghold with the Toa Nuva.
Change “that” to “where”.
*Insert “had”.
“I just have one question, why do you insist that we walk along the coast?” asked Hewkii.
Change the comma to a colon.
“This way,” replied Garan as he then led the group through a nearby tunnel in the rock.
I would either remove “then”, change the highlighted bit as “leading”, or start a new sentence such as “He proceeded to lead…”.
I’m a little confused by what happened to Dalu. She said that she tried to get away, but didn’t get far. So she was recaptured while escaping, then escaped again? I think a more thorough explanation might be in order. Also, the others’ reaction to her return seemed rather lukewarm to me. Simply exchanging smiles upon finding out that she has escaped from the Piraka and made it backówhen the alternatives were that she was injured, enslaved, dead, or in imminent danger of any of the aboveómade it feel like a very halfhearted reunion scene. It may be a moot point, however, since frankly, Dalu’s initial failure to escape with the other Matoran seems to have no bearing on the plot (unless it is referenced later), making it an unnecessary detail in an already complicated story (not that it’s bad that this story is complicated, but I think it would benefit it to crop out some of the minor, non-plot-essential events and details from the original Bionicle storyline on which it is based; I suspect you’re already making an effort to do just this, so forgive me if I’m ). Personally, I think you could just write out the part about Dalu’s delayed escape; the information she shares about the Piraka’s alliance falling apart could just as easily be communicated by the Matoran group as a whole.
The Piraka are looking for a treasure hidden on this island ó you friends said it was a mask needed to save the life of the Great Spirit.
Should be “your”.
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Cool mix of bionicle and LBT :wow
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Pangaea: Even though I rarely mention this, I do appreciate reading your reviews. Not just to point out errors and suggestions for improvement, but also I like seeing your thoughts on each chapter (such as parts you found particularly funny). To tell you the truth, I greatly appreciate any review that isn't a one-liner, and I know you don't do those.
Oh, and sorry, but I just can't resist the temptation to clarify the Toa Inika's mask powers, now that you've seen them in action. Jaller's mask is the Calix, the Mask of Fate, which allows the user to beat the odds and pull off near-impossible physical abilities; Hahli's mask is the Elda, the Mask of Detection, which allows the user to see invisible beings and find the Mask of Life through headaches; Kongu's mask is the Suletu, the Mask of Telepathy, which allows the user to read and project thoughts; Matoro's mask is the Iden, the Mask of Spirit, which allows the user to release their spirit from their body for a limited time; Hewkii's mask is the Sanok, the Mask of accuracy, which allows the user to hit any target they aim at with any object they throw; Nuparu's mask is the Kadin, the Mask of Flight, which allows the user to fly under their own power. I hope you're okay with me explaining this.
I literally didn't start this chapter until yesterday morning, so I hope that it's still a good chapter, despite the less than usual time I spent on it.
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Chapter 14
Voya Nui Liberated
Despite the urgency to strike at the Piraka while they were at their most vulnerable, Toa Jaller had decided to not simply attack them immediately. Unlike Toa of Fire that came before him, he did not want to take action without having an effective plan. Instead, he decided to discuss possible strategies with the other Toa and the Matoran, while the gang were asked to get as much sleep as they could during the few remaining hours of night.
Shortly after dawn, the Matoran woke up the gang. Once they were up, Garan got straight to the point.
“Sorry we had to wake you up, but we can't afford to waste any more time,” explained Garan. “Here's the plan: We're going to be splitting up into three groups. Dalu and Piruk are going to take Toa Jaller and Toa Hahli to the volcano to free the enslaved Matoran. Balta and Kazi will take Toa Hewkii and Toa Matoro and head up into the mountains to find a powerful ally who might help us. Velika and I will take Toa Nuparu and Toa Kongu to the stronghold and help them find the Toa Nuva... if we can find them.”
“So which groups are we going with?” asked Chomper.
“The Toa didn't want you to come with us, but I knew you wouldn't want to just stay here,” replied Garan. “I think you've already proven yourselves capable of handling the dangers of Voya Nui. I think it would be best to let you decide for yourselves which groups you want to be with.”
It didn't take long for the young dinosaurs to agree on which group each of them would go with. Within a few minutes, everyone was ready to leave.
Before they left, Littlefoot noticed Velika giving something to Jaller and Hahli. Littlefoot turned to Balta and asked, “What are those things Velika has?”
“Remember that launcher we stole from the Piraka a few days ago? Velika made improvements on it,” replied Balta. “That launcher can now fire four spheres instead of just one without reloading. I also managed to scavenge enough parts to allow him to make another of those launchers.”
“This doesn't make any sense,” said Littlefoot. “If we're going to free the Matoran, then why are we using the same things the Piraka used to enslave them in the first place?”
“Velika filled these spheres with something that should reverse the effect of the ones the Piraka used,” replied Balta. When he noticed his group was about to leave, he quickly added. “Piruk should be able to explain everything on the way.” He then headed out of the underground chamber with his group.
Littlefoot turned back to Velika and Toa Jaller. Unlike the green Zamor spheres the Piraka had used, these spheres were blue. Littlefoot was curious what was inside those spheres.
As the Po-Matoran handed the last of the spheres to Toa Jaller, he decided to offer words of encouragement. “There are times when flames can be the surest way to put out a fire,” said Velika to the Toa of Fire.
Before Jaller could ask what Velika had meant by that, the Po-Matoran began to leave the chamber with his group.
“Follow me, everyone,” said Dalu as she led the remaining group out of the chamber.
________
Jaller, Hahli, Dalu, Piruk, Littlefoot, and Petrie were headed for the slopes of the volcano. Their group was going to free the Matoran that had been enslaved by the Piraka.
Jaller looked again at the launcher in his hand. Although he understood what had to be done, he still wasn't sure if this would be the best way to do it. “What are these things loaded with?” asked Jaller, expressing his biggest concern. Both Littlefoot and Petrie were also wondering the same thing.
“Keep quiet and keep moving,” replied Dalu harshly.
Hahli was shocked by the tone of the Ga-Matoran's voice.
“Don't mind her,” said Piruk quietly to Jaller and Littlefoot. “She's just edgy. Anyway, that building we were in is an old fortress that was built long before Voya Nui floated where it is now. We were securing underground entrances to it when Velika found this silvery pool. None of us knew what it was, but he insists it will free our friends from the effects of the Zamor spheres. I snuck into the Piraka stronghold, stole some empty spheres, and Velika filled them up with the stuff. Who knows if they'll work... but even death would be better than being slaves to the Piraka, I guess.”
“Maybe a few of you would like to take a rest and discuss the history of Voya Nui?” snapped Dalu. “I'm sure Toa Hahli and I can manage this mission without any of you.”
Hahli was stunned by the words coming out of this Ga-Matoran. “Dalu!” exclaimed Hahli. “We're all on the same team here! Let's not fight among ourselves. In Metru Nuió”
“Right, I'm sure where you come from, Ga-Matoran are all gentle peacemakers who never raise their voices,” interrupted Dalu. “That's what they... we... were like where I came from, too. But I have news for you, sister ó this isn't Metru Nui. We don't have time to be polite. It's fight, or end up like them.”
Everyone turned to look at what Dalu was pointing at. Up the slope, just a short distance away, was a small group of Matoran digging away at the side of the volcano. The slow and constant pace of their labor and the sickly red glow in their eyes showed that these Matoran were indeed among the Piraka's slaves.
Dalu crouched down behind some rocks. Everyone else did so as well. The Ga-Matoran looked around and said, “We're in luck, no Piraka around. But if any of the workers spot us, they'll shout out an alarm and we'll have a fight on our hands, so aim true.”
Littlefoot and Petrie looked at each other with worried looks on their faces. It was bad enough being unsure if the substance Velika had found could free the Matoran. Now they also had to be careful to not get spotted. If that stuff doesn't work, this situation could get ugly, thought Littlefoot uneasily.
“You expect us to launch these spheres at them?” asked Hahli in disbelief. “When we don't even know what effects they might have?”
“Well, we could go ask them nicely to stop being worker drones for the Piraka, but somehow I don't think that will work,” replied Dalu. “If Velika says we use these things, then we use them.”
“She's right,” said Jaller as he took aim. “Maybe it's not what the Toa Nuva or the Turaga would do, but they're not here... and like she said, this isn't Metru Nui.”
Jaller triggered the launcher, sending one of the spheres flying towards the Matoran. His aim couldn't have been better, as the sphere struck one Matoran in the chest and harmlessly passed into his body. Nothing happened for a moment, but then red glow in his eyes faded away and he looked around in confusion. The other Matoran immediately realized something wasn't right. They grabbed their tools and began to approach the freed Matoran.
Seeing that the sphere had done its job, Jaller and Hahli were no longer hesitant and began to fire the rest of the spheres in their launchers at the Matoran. In no time at all, the rest of the group of Matoran had been freed. It was all over before the former slaves had a chance to warn anyone.
Dalu rushed up the slope to greet the confused Matoran. “Piruk will take you to a place of safety, but you have to move fast,” she said to them. “He'll explain what's been happening on the way. Once you have rested, you'll have your chance to fight, understand?”
The villagers nodded and began to follow the Le-Matoran as he led them down the slope.
“Me go with them to help quick-see any danger,” said Petrie as took to the air and followed the group of freed Matoran.
The rest of the group stood up and began walking to the next group of enslaved Matoran on the slope. Dalu turned to the Toa and said, “Next time, launch faster.” After turning back to look ahead, she quietly added, “And thanks.”
“Well, at least we know those spheres work,” commented Littlefoot.
“As long as we know where to find the rest of the Matoran, it won't be long until they're all free,” said Jaller as he loaded four more spheres into his launcher.
“Yes, it would be nice to put an end to this madness,” added Hahli. “I can't imagine how hard this must have been for the few Matoran that stayed free. Same for you and your friends, Littlefoot.”
“Yeah, it was hard at first,” admitted Littlefoot, “but now that you guys are here, I know the Piraka won't stand a chance. I just hope the other groups are doing as good as we are.”
________
Matoro, Hewkii, Balta, Kazi, Ducky, Spike, and Ruby were climbing up through a mountain pass. It had already been a long journey, and it seemed they were only halfway there.
“Tell me again where we're going,” said Matoro.
“Just trust me,” replied Kazi.
Matoro and Hewkii look at each other in concern. After hearing about what had happened to the Toa Nuva, they weren't sure if there was anyone else on this island they could trust. For a moment, Hewkii even considered the possibility that the Toa Nuva had been betrayed by the Matoran and Garan's story was a lie. He quickly rejected that idea, figuring that Littlefoot and the others would have turned against the Matoran if that had been the case.
At the back of the group, Spike was struggling to keep up with everyone. Only Ducky's words of encouragement kept him from stopping to rest.
Ruby looked back and noticed this, so she said, “Please try to keep up, Spike. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can get the help we need.”
Reminded of why they were going this way, Hewkii turned to the Matoran and said, “You said you have an ally up here. If he's so powerful and on your side, where has he been all this time? Why did he let the Piraka take over the island?”
Kazi was about to say something, but was cut off by Balta.
“Sometimes you can't do what your heart tells you to... sometimes you have a duty to something greater than yourself,” replied Balta. He then stopped and turned to the Toa. “This is important. In the battle to come, Matoran may die, Toa may die, and it doesn't matter. None of it matters. The only thing that counts is keeping the Mask of Life out of the hands of the Piraka. If we all have to die and this island has to be blown to fragments to stop them, then that's what we'll do.”
Ducky gulped at hearing this. It had never occurred to her that somebody, let alone possibly a lot of people, might have to die to save the universe.
Hewkii shook his head and said, “There has to be a better way than total destruction. What kind of a victory is that?”
Balta continued walking and replied, “If you wanted nice, clean victories, Toa, you should have stayed on this Metru Nui you came from.”
“I wish I could go to Metru Nui. I do, I do,” commented Ducky nervously.
After a few more minutes, Kazi suddenly walked off the path to the right and climbed over some of the rocks. Hewkii tightened his grip on his weapon, expecting danger to arrive at any second.
“Where did he go?” asked Ducky.
As one, the rocks that Kazi had climbed over suddenly moved aside like a doorway to reveal the entrance to a cave. Kazi then jumped down from atop the opening and rejoined the group. “He's in there,” said the Ko-Matoran.
“Who is in there?” asked Ruby.
“Axonn,” replied Kazi and Balta at the same exact time. The two startled Matoran then looked at each other in confusion.
“I thought I was the only one who knewó” Kazi began.
“I met him not long ago,” said Balta. “He's the one who saved my life. You know, I was wondering why you also seemed to know how to get here. How long have you known he was here? Why didn't you tell anyone?”
“I think we should save those questions for later and answer a bigger question right now,” said Ruby, who was pointing into the cave.
Everyone looked into the cave and saw a massive figure slowly walk outside. There was no doubt that he appeared to be very powerful, but he was moving as if he barely had the energy to even walk. The large axe that he held was now being dragged along the ground with limited effort. Once he was out of the cave, he noticed Kazi and reached his hand out, then began to fall.
Realizing the figure was in rough shape, Matoro used his ice power to create a pile of snow to give the stranger a soft landing. The group then rushed to the figure's side and realized how serious his condition was. His battered and and scorched armor showed that he had recently been in a battle, and apparently lost.
“Is that Axonn?” asked Ruby.
Balta was too shocked by what he saw to say anything, so he simply nodded.
“What happened to you?” asked Ducky, very worried to see someone so seriously hurt.
“Kazi...” said Axonn weakly. “You and these Toa... you have to hurry...”
“What is it?” asked the Ko-Matoran. “Who did this to you?”
“Brutaka,” replied Axonn. “He said he was going to tell the Piraka how to find the Mask of Life... then steal it from them. He doesn't understand... what might happen... I tried to stop him, but...”
“Where was he headed?” asked Balta.
“The stronghold,” replied Axonn. “I thought I could bring him back to the way of Mata Nui... but he is lost in the darkness. Stop him... stop him even if you have to kill him to do it.” Then the light in his eyes went out.
Kazi knelt down beside Axonn to make sure he was okay. After a few seconds, he said, “He's alive, just unconscious. I should stay andó”
“No, we need you,” said Balta. He looked up at the Toa. “And we need you, too. Brutaka is the one who beat your friends, maybe killed them, we don't know. If he gets his hands on the Mask of Life, or the Piraka do, the universe dies screaming.”
To Hewkii, the expression on Balta's face showed determination like that of a Toa. All suspicion he once had of this Ta-Matoran or any other Matoran of Voya Nui was now gone. In its place was the understanding that this Matoran would do anything to protect his home.
Hewkii turned to the rest of the group and said, “Nuparu's group should be inside the stronghold by now, so we'll pick up Jaller's group on the way there. Hopefully, they'll have freed all of the Matoran by the time we get to them. We'll meet up with Nuparu's group in the stronghold, and then I'll show Brutaka how a Kolhii ball feels when it's kicked into orbit.”
As the group began to head back down the mountain pass, Ducky looked back at the fallen Axonn one last time. She sighed and sadly said, “I do not like this. No, no, no.”
“Don't worry, Ducky,” assured Ruby. “Remember, Littlefoot told us that Axonn won't go down so easily, so Axonn will be okay.” Ruby then looked ahead in concern as she thought about how Nuparu's group might be doing. “I just hope Chomper will be okay.”
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Read and review, as always. I'll get to the third group in the next chapter. I had a feeling that had I included that in this chapter, it would have made it twice as long, and I think this chapter is already long enough.
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Pangaea: Even though I rarely mention this, I do appreciate reading your reviews. Not just to point out errors and suggestions for improvement, but also I like seeing your thoughts on each chapter (such as parts you found particularly funny). To tell you the truth, I greatly appreciate any review that isn't a one-liner, and I know you don't do those.
Thank you, Chronicler. That does make me feel more at ease.
Oh, and sorry, but I just can't resist the temptation to clarify the Toa Inika's mask powers, now that you've seen them in action. Jaller's mask is the Calix, the Mask of Fate, which allows the user to beat the odds and pull off near-impossible physical abilities; Hahli's mask is the Elda, the Mask of Detection, which allows the user to see invisible beings and find the Mask of Life through headaches; Kongu's mask is the Suletu, the Mask of Telepathy, which allows the user to read and project thoughts; Matoro's mask is the Iden, the Mask of Spirit, which allows the user to release their spirit from their body for a limited time; Hewkii's mask is the Sanok, the Mask of accuracy, which allows the user to hit any target they aim at with any object they throw; Nuparu's mask is the Kadin, the Mask of Flight, which allows the user to fly under their own power. I hope you're okay with me explaining this.
Absolutely! In fact I was hoping that you would clarify for me. :smile
Finally, the characters are making some progress towards saving Voya Nui. How many enslaved Matoran are there, though? It seems to me that they’ll need a lot of those spheres. Is one of the members of the first group carrying a big load of prepared spheres? Also, do the spheres only work if they are fired from a Zamor launcher (I imagine they can be aimed most accurately that way, at least), or can they alternatively be thrown or dropped? If worse comes to worse, and the enslaved Matoran attack them, maybe Littlefoot, Petrie, or any other members of the gang who happen to be present would finally have a chance to do something to help out.
My biggest problem with this chapter was that there were a number of serious conversations that the LBT charactersódespite being presentówere almost never involved in. As a result, these conversations felt as if they were lifted straight from the text (differences in wording aside). For example, I really think Ruby, Ducky, and/or even Spike (behaviorally, of course) should have responded to this line:
“Sometimes you can't do what your heart tells you to... sometimes you have a duty to something greater than yourself,” replied Balta. He then stopped and turned to the Toa. “This is important. In the battle to come, Matoran may die, Toa may die, and it doesn't matter. None of it matters. The only thing that counts is keeping the Mask of Life out of the hands of the Piraka. If we all have to die and this island has to be blown to fragments to stop them, then that's what we'll do.”
Although the gang is familiar with life-and-death situations, the reality that they might not survive is seldom invoked in dialogue. As committed as they are to helping the Matoran, they’re still, after all, just kids, so one would expect that the prospect of dyingóespecially considering how Balta words itówould provoke a frightened reaction.
“Here's the plan, we're going to be splitting up into three groups. Dalu and Piruk are going to take Toa Jaller and Toa Hahli to the volcano to free the enslaved Matoran. Balta and Kazi and take Toa Hewkii and Toa Matoro will head up into the mountains to find a powerful ally who might help us.
Change the first comma to a colon and capitalize “we’re”. And I’m assuming “and” should be “will” or some other word.
It didn't take long for the young dinosaurs to agree on which group each of them would go with.
Even though you mention later which of the gang are accompanying which Matoran, I think that information should be established here as well.
“This doesn't make any sense,” said Littlefoot. “If we're going to free the Matoran, then why are * using the same things the Piraka used to enslave them in the first place?”
*Insert “we”.
Anyway, that building we were in is an old fortress that was built long before Voya Nui floated * where it is now.
*Insert “to”.
Ducky's words of encouragement were only enough to keep him from stopping to rest.
The grammar in this sentence seems off to me. I would suggest changing it to “Only Ducky’s words of encouragement hept him from stopping to rest”.
Hewkii tightened his grip on his weapon, suspecting danger to arrive at any second.
I would change this to “expecting”.
“I thought I was the only one who knewó” said Kazi.
Just to accentuate the fact that Kazi’s sentence gets interrupted, I would change this to “Kazi began” or something of the like. (This is in the same vein as the recommendation I made in my last review about spicing up descriptiveness when a character delivers a line.)
His appearance left no doubt that he was very strong and powerful, but he was moving as if he barely had the energy to even walk.
Given that these words are synonyms, you might want to change one of them to seem less redundant.
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This chapter kept my interest pretty good... you are improving with each one and I can see the characters becoming more and more real and less robotic (pun not intended). I agree on all of Pangaea's points that the gang did not feel present enough during some very important conversations, and yet in Littlefoot's case would discuss weapons and concepts that would be beyond their understanding as dinosaurs - the best instance being when Littlefoot and the Toa have a discussion about the 'new gun' that one of them created.
At the beginning of the chapter it would have definately added to it to include the members of the gang deciding which group to go with, since a character like Cera is going to have a different idea as to how to help the Toa then say Petrie.
A small thing I noticed that will improve your story flow is this set of sentences here:
Littlefoot turned back to Velika and Toa Jaller. Unlike the green Zamor spheres the Piraka had used, these spheres were blue. Littlefoot was curious what was inside those spheres.
As the Po-Matoran handed the last of the spheres to Toa Jaller...
In this case, the word 'spheres' appears four times in three sentences. What I do is use synonyms such as 'orbs' or 'globes' and alternate between lines to improve the flow and make it sound better.
One thing that I have to mention is that I liked your little conflict between two of the Toa, which is one of the first times I have noticed in detail a case where two of the good guys directly don't get along. This type of character development is something that should be done more often, and is highly welcome in my eyes.
Caustizer :angel
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Pangaea: Thanks for reminding me of the lack of dialogue/action of the gang in that chapter. That tends to happen in chapters like those.
Caustizer: I'll admit it, there are going to be chapters like this, where most of it is taken from the Bionicle books with the gang seemingly just added in. However, there will also be chapters where some or all of the gang will be the only ones present, which means more original material in those chapter. The most recent of those was chapter 10, and I'm expecting the next one will be chapter 17 (or 16, since it will be a bit of both). Also, could you be specific on which two Toa you see a conflict? Sorry for not noticing, but I would like to know why you think that.
Once again, I spent just two days writing this chapter, and I think I know why. The reason I seem to not start the next chapter until later in the week is because I seem to be inspired as soon as I get a review on the latest chapter. Clearly, I can't rely on that to get me to start the next chapter. (Don't worry, I don't blame any of you. This is a problem I have to solve myself.) I've been fortunate that these latest chapters had less original material than others, so it's easier to quickly write. The next few chapters will require more thought, so I must get started earlier so I can have more time to get them done right. Anyway, here's the next chapter.
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Chapter 15
Battle in the Stronghold
Chomper cautiously peeked over a small boulder he was hiding behind. He was very nervous, but also curious and wanted to get a better look at the fixed object that stood outside the main doorway. Big mistake. The robotic guardian of the stronghold spotted him and fired.
Fortunately, Garan moved quickly and grabbed Chomper as he ran by, not bothering to look back as the energy blast shattered the boulder. With Chomper still in his hands, Garan ducked to avoid another energy blast as he dove behind a large rock where Velika and Cera were hiding.
“Thanks for saving me,” said Chomper, terrified by what had almost happened to him.
Garan was more focused on getting everyone out of this bad situation, so he ignored Chomper and said, “It knows we're here. We need to withdraw.”
The rock Kongu was hiding behind had been hit so many times that it would no longer do as cover. Deciding to make a run for it, he dove and rolled across the rocky ground to reach the others, each blast narrowly missing him. Once he was behind the cover of the much larger rock, he turned to Garan and asked, “And do what? Come back later when it's deep-asleep? It's a machine!”
“I'm only suggesting that maybe your fears for your missing friends ó the Toa Nuva ó are blinding you to the real crisis on this island,” replied Garan.
While the Toa and Matoran argued, Chomper sat on the rocky ground. He was starting to regret his decision. “Oh, why did I agree to go with this group?” moaned Chomper.
“Because I'm the only one who wanted to go with this group and Littlefoot didn't want any of us to go alone. That's all,” replied Cera, rolling her eyes as she said the last sentence.
Meanwhile, Velika decided to help Garan prove his point in his argument with the Toa of Air. “That the Gukko birds of worry and care fly about your head, you cannot change,” said Velika. “But that they build nests in your mask, you can prevent.”
“You're worried about six Toa,” continued Garan. “I have the whole Matoran population of this island to protect!”
“And you've been doing a real happy-cheer job of that, from what I've heard!” snapped Kongu. “First we find the Toa Nuva, then we help the others rescue the rest of your Matoran. Got it?”
“I thought Toa always put the interests of Matoran first,” said Garan.
“I thought Matoran were taller,” responded Kongu. “Just another of life's little disappointments. Listen, I understand you want to help your friends, but had it not been for the Toa Nuva, none of my friends would be alive. I owe them.”
Nuparu shot through the air over their heads. He had taken to the skies in hopes of drawing fire from the robotic guardians away from the others. Unfortunately, there were two of those turrets, and only one of them was trying to shoot him out of the sky while the other continued to focus on trying to hit the others. “You two want to stop arguing and find a way to shut these things down?” asked Nuparu, frustrated that nobody was doing anything to help him.
“You're a Toa of Earth!” shouted Cera over the noise of the blasts. “Throw dirt at them or something!”
“The bird soars through the sky,” muttered Velika. “But if I were a colossus, and the sky was beneath my feet, could it truly be said the bird flew underground?”
Cera was about to ask what the Po-Matoran was talking about this time when Garan shouted to the airborne Toa, “Down! Go down!”
Not willing to ask any questions, Nuparu immediately began to dive straight into the ground. He fired his drill as he went down, boring a hole in the ground. Moving too fast for the turrets to hit him, he disappeared underground as he continued to fire his weapon.
“What's going on?” asked Chomper.
“Velika looks at things from a unique angle,” replied Garan. “He was suggesting a flying Toa of Earth might be well served by doing the same thing.”
Before anyone could say anything, they heard a loud explosion. “What was that?” asked Cera.
A few seconds later, another loud explosion was heard. The two Matoran immediately peered around the rock, followed by Kongu, Cera, and Chomper. In place of the two robotic guardians were flaming piles of wreckage.
A few seconds later, Nuparu flew out of the hole in the ground he had made. He landed next to the others with a smile on his face. “Armored all over,” he said, “except at the bottom. One shot from below, and boom. I should have figured that out myself.”
Seeing that his idea worked, Velika smiled proudly and patted Toa Nuparu on the arm.
“We may want to save the congratulations for later,” said Garan as he pointed at the wreckage.
Everyone turned to see some of the pieces were starting to move on their own. They soon realized that the pieces were actually moving towards each other.
Cera couldn't believe what she was seeing. “What's happening?” she asked nervously.
“They're reassembling themselves,” replied Nuparu. “Let's get inside before they finish. Round two might not go as smoothly.”
Not wasting any time, everyone immediately rushed to the gateway. However, the massive door was locked shut. Figuring there was only one way to get inside, Nuparu aimed his drill at the door.
Kongu knew there was a better way, so he reached his hand out and gently lowered Nuparu's weapon. “Too noisy,” said Kongu. “Let me.”
Toa Kongu quickly aimed his crossbow at the lock on the door and fired. The small bolt of energy was more than enough to remove the lock, allowing the door to swing open.
“Well, that was easy,” commented Cera. She turned to Kongu, only to see Velika taking a close look at the crossbow as if it was the greatest device he had ever seen. For an inventor, he's even worse than Nuparu, thought Cera.
Garan gently pulled the Po-Matoran away and said, “Not now. There will be time for this after we are done here.”
Not wanting to deal with the robotic guardians again, everyone walked through the opened doorway into the stronghold. They had only walked a few steps when Chomper shivered and said, “It's cold in here.”
Everyone else noticed the rapid drop in the temperature, but chose not to speak up about it. After going around a corner, they came across a hallway with many large doors.
“I bet the Toa Nuva are behind one of those doors,” said Nuparu.
“But which one?” asked Chomper.
“Let's just try every door,” suggested Cera.
Kongu shook his head and said, “I don't think we have enough time for that. There has to be a better way.”
“No matter how vast a building may be, no door must be left unopened,” said Velika softly.
Garan looked at the Po-Matoran in confusion for a second before saying, “I guess this means we go with Cera's idea.”
“All right, let's see what behind door number one,” said Toa Kongu as he aimed his crossbow at the lock on the nearest door. Like on the outside door, the small energy bolt quickly destroyed the lock, allowing Nuparu to open the door.
Cera saw nothing but darkness inside the room. “I can't see a thing,” said Cera. “How about you, Nuparu?”
Being a Toa of Earth, Nuparu was naturally more able to see in the dark than Toa of any other element. After quickly scanning the room, he replied, “Nothing. Just an empty room.”
“Okay, let's try door number two,” said Kongu as he headed for the next door.
Behind the second door was a chamber filled with random scraps of equipment. Once again, Garan had to pull Velika away so they could keep going. The next three doors yielded similar results to the first two. Behind the next door was something rather peculiar. At first, it seemed like another empty room, but a closer look revealed crude writing carved into the walls.
“Hey, I remember seeing something like this,” said Chomper as looked closely at one of the carvings.
“Yeah, it's that way of talking without actually speaking that Takua told us about,” agreed Cera.
“It's called ëwriting,’” Kongu reminded the young dinosaurs.
“What do they say?” asked Chomper.
Nuparu, who had looked at every wall while the others had talked, replied, “Just two words over and over again: ëVezok.’ and ëVezon.’ That makes no sense. Vezok's a Piraka... but Vezon is the Matoran word for ëdouble.’ I don't see the connection.”
Everyone turned to Velika, expecting him to have an answer, but the Po-Matoran simply shrugged his shoulders.
The group continued to open every door in every hallway they walked through. Again, many of the rooms were completely empty. Eventually, they came across a massive chamber that was filled with all kinds of objects and looked like it had been used recently. A cage hung from the ceiling in one corner of the chamber, while another corner had a pile of valuable artifacts; no doubt all of them were stolen from various places.
“What is that?” asked Chomper as he pointed at something mechanical in the center of the room.
“I'm not sure,” replied Kongu as he approached the strange device. He then noticed a carving on a tablet on the floor nearby. Figuring it might explain what this thing was, he picked up the tablet and read it over. After a minute of reading, the Toa of Air said, “It looks like it's supposed to quick-teach the user how to stay atop a wild animal.” He showed the tablet to Chomper. “Look, this tablet also shows a Piraka riding what looks like the massive Tahtorak of Turaga Vakama's tales. Glad I missed that.” He then tossed the tablet aside.
“Kongu!” Nuparu suddenly cried out. “Over here!”
Kongu, Chomper, and Cera rushed to the Toa of Earth. Garan and Velika were already there and looking up at a wall. The three of them looked up and at what the others saw. Kongu was immediately horrified by what he saw.
Hanging from large rusty nails were six Kanohi masks. Cera knew that she and her friends had never seen these masks before, and neither had they seen the Toa Nuva with their masks on ó even though the Toa Nuva had retrieved them shortly before being defeated again. However, even Cera had to admit that there was a connection between those two facts. She may have doubted a lot of things, but Nuparu's reaction was more than enough to convince her that these were indeed the masks of the Toa Nuva.
“Mata Nui, preserve us,” whispered Nuparu.
“It may already be too late for that,” replied Kongu in shock. “I don't know what this means ó whether they were simply brought to down-ground, or they're dead ó but I do know they have to be avenged.”
“Do we... do we take them with us?” asked Chomper.
Kongu shook his head and replied, “We have no way to easy-carry them, and no suva to leave them on. Nuparu and I need our hands free for combat, especially now. They will be ever-safe here. Trust me, the Piraka won't get the chance to touch these masks again.”
No words were spoken as the group left the chamber. The Toa Inika had come to Voya Nui to find the Toa Nuva. Now, they realized that it was a very real possibility that the Toa Nuva would never be found. The group continued their search through the stronghold, now more desperate than ever to find the Toa Nuva. If no other trace was found, there was no doubt in their minds that the Piraka would pay for their actions.
The group searched through more hallways and empty rooms until they went around another corner that lead them to a massive chamber. In the middle of the chamber was what appeared to be a massive Zamor sphere, filled with the greenish-black substance the Piraka had used in their Zamor spheres.
“This is the chamber where my friends and I, along with the Toa Nuva, were defeated not so long ago,” said Garan solemnly. He then looked at the massive vat in the center of the chamber. “Piruk told me about that from one of his spying missions. The substance in that vat is what the Piraka used to enslave my people. They must never be allowed to do such a thing to others. We must destroy the virus.”
“And what a terrible waste that would be.”
The Toa, Matoran, and young dinosaurs quickly turned around to see the Piraka, as well as Brutaka, standing in the entrance to the chamber.
“I might not be able to recreate it,” continued Zaktan. “And then I would lose the chance to make you and your companions kneel before the Piraka. It would be a fitting final memory of Voya Nui.”
“Final, huh?” said Kongu as he tightened his grip on his weapon. “If you're planning a quick-trip, we'll be glad to help you get going.”
“When we leave this wretched rock, we will be stepping over your corpses,” threatened Brutaka.
“And with the Mask of Life in hand,” added Hakann, who quickly glanced at Avak, Reidak, and Thok, all of whom nodded in return. Cera noticed this gesture and began to grow suspicious.
“Now the only question is, how do we go about ending your miserable lives?” asked Zaktan. “We've killed Toa in so many ways over the centuries, and I hate to repeat myself.”
Suddenly, a large explosion blew a massive hole in one of the walls of the chamber. Some of the rubble knocked over the vat, but Brutaka rushed over and caught it before it would have hit the floor and shattered. Everyone looked towards the hole and saw some familiar figures walk through the cloud of dust. The group was very pleased to see that the two other groups had arrived to help. They moved to the hole in the wall to rejoin their friends.
“Two choices,” said Jaller in determination. “You can leave this island now, under your own power, or we can throw you off. Choose the first ó get out, stay out, and go far from our sight ó and you can lead long, if rotten, lives. Chose the second, and there won't be enough of you left to feed a Makuta fish. I'll give you some time to consider surrendering. Oops, time's up. Let's do what we came here for, friends. Let's take them down!”
As the Toa jumped into battle against the Piraka, Garan explained what the group of Matoran and young dinosaurs would do next. “The Toa Inika will keep the Piraka occupied, so we must take advantage of this opportunity to search the stronghold. We will find the Toa Nuva, give them back their masks, and get them to join the fight.
“You guys go ahead,” said Littlefoot. “My friends and I talked about it on the way here, and we've decided to stay here and see if the Toa Inika will be alright.”
Garan nodded. “I understand. Try to stay out of the battle, and if the Toa fall... get out of here and don't look back.”
Littlefoot nodded in understanding. The six Matoran then sneaked their way around the fight and began their search through the stronghold.
“How did you guys do?” asked Cera.
“Jaller and Hahli managed to free a lot of the Matoran,” replied Littlefoot. “We don't know if we got them all, since so many seem to be missing. On the way here, Dalu asked Hahli to give her launcher to the first group of Matoran we freed, so if there are some Matoran slaves still out there, the freed Matoran will be able to save them. Jaller insisted that he keep his launcher, saying that he and the other Toa might need it for a different purpose at some point.”
Cera turned to Ruby, Ducky, and Spike. “How about you? Did you find Axonn?”
“We found Axonn, but... I don't think Axonn will be able to help us,” replied Ruby.
“Let me guess, Brutaka?”
Ruby nodded.
“How did your group do, Cera?” asked Littlefoot.
Cera sighed. “We found their masks, but that's it,” she replied. Everyone lowered their heads, understanding what this could mean.
“Let's just hope that Garan and the others will find them,” said Littlefoot as he turned his attention to the battle. His friends also decided to see how the Toa were doing.
It was impossible to hear any dialogue over the noise of the battle, but the gang had to admit that just watching the battle was overwhelming enough.
The white Piraka, Thok, had brought down Hahli with his spellbinder vision. Hahli quickly managed to break the Piraka's concentration by firing her weapon at him. After getting struck again, Thok used his ability to bring objects to life by trapping the Toa of Water in giant hands made of stone from the floor.
Toa Matoro was locked in combat with the blue Piraka, Vezok, when he saw his trapped teammate. He used his elemental power to mostly encase Vezok in ice, then rushed over to help Hahli. Thok fired his weapon at the Toa of Water, but Matoro deflected the attack with his own weapon.
As the Toa of Ice charged at the Piraka, Hahli had managed to free herself from the stone hands. At the same time, Vezok ó whose head was the only part of his body not covered in ice ó used his impact vision to shatter the ice that trapped him. He then charged into battle against the Toa of Water.
Hewkii had succeeded in drawing Brutaka away from the other Toa, but still had to either trap him or take him down. The Toa of Stone used his elemental power to raise stone barriers around Brutaka, but Brutaka had more than enough strength to bring down every single one of them with his bare fists. Finally, Hewkii ripped open the stone floor, causing Brutaka to fall into the crevice. Hewkii then ripped stone from the walls and ceiling and used them to seal the crevice and effectively trap Brutaka inside. The Toa of Stone then joined Jaller in fighting the unstoppable black Piraka, Reidak.
Nuparu was struggling to land a blow on the seemingly untouchable green Piraka, Zaktan. The Toa of Earth had tried to slam a giant earthen fist into Zaktan, but the Piraka leader had simply dispersed his substance to allow the fist to pass harmlessly right through him.
The brown Piraka, Avak, had used his special power to create perfect prisons on Kongu, tapping the Toa of Air in what appeared to be a giant empty Zamor sphere. For an unseen reason, Kongu was holding his breath. A few seconds later, Avak suddenly held his head in pain and collapsed, causing the prison to disappear and allow Kongu to breathe again.
As all of this was happening, the red Piraka, Hakann, seemed to be simply watching the battle on the sidelines. He's up to something, thought Cera. I know it.
“Whoa, look at Nuparu!” exclaimed Petrie as he pointed at the Toa of Earth.
Toa Nuparu had put his mask power to a creative use. He was in the air and spinning around very rapidly, drawing the billions of tiny pieces that made up Zaktan in his wake. He then whipped his body around so that Zaktan slammed into a wall. The Piraka responded with his laser vision. Nuparu then flew out of the chamber through the big hole in the wall, taking Zaktan with him.
“Where's he going?” asked Chomper.
“Let's find out,” replied Littlefoot.
Without any second thoughts, the gang followed Nuparu as he flew out of the stronghold and over the island. It was hard to follow him, but they managed to run just fast enough to see where he was going. The gang reached the top of a hill just in time to see the Toa of Earth plunge into Voya Nui Bay.
Ducky gasped as she saw this. “Does he know how to swim?” she asked.
“That's Toa of Stone who can't swim. He's a Toa of Earth,” Cera reminded her.
“But still, we should make sure he's okay,” said Littlefoot as he led his friends to the coast.
By the time they got to the coast, they saw Toa Nuparu standing on the shore, holding what appeared to be nothing more than a large pile of earth.
“Nuparu!” shouted Littlefoot as he ran up to the Toa of Earth. “What happened?”
“I decided to take Zaktan for a swim,” replied Nuparu with a smile on his face. “Apparently, he's not very good at it.”
“Where is he?” asked Chomper, looking around in worry.
“Right here,” replied Nuparu, holding up the large wad of earth. “It's kind of hard to carry someone whose body is like a swarm of insects, so I decided to simply encase him in a cocoon made of earth. Of course, I had to at least make it loose enough for him to be able to breathe.”
“Wow, nice work, Nuparu,” said Littlefoot.
Nuparu hefted the earthen cocoon onto his shoulders and said, “Let's get back to the stronghold. One way or the other, I'm sure the battle will be over by the time we get there.”
The gang followed Nuparu, pleased to see that at least one Toa was successful today. However, nothing could prepare them for what would await them at the stronghold.
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Read and review, as always.
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Finally I manage to review a chapter on the same day it’s posted! :D
I thought you did a much better job of giving the LBT characters their fair share of lines in this chapter, though I was disappointed that they still did not get to actually contribute anything to the Toa and Matoran’s endeavor. I very much enjoyed the “break-in” scenes in the first half of the chapter; even when the characters weren’t dodging fire from the robotic guards, I found it exciting. :)
Chomper cautiously peeked over a small boulder he was hiding behind. He was very nervous, but also curious and wanted to get a better look at it.
It is never mentioned what exactly Chomper is trying to get a better look at.
I don’t recall the Piraka stronghold’s “robotic guardians” being mentioned before. I think you should go into more detail here, such as describing what they look like and how they work (e.g., are they mobile, or stationary like a gun turret?).
“It's getting our range. We need to withdraw.”
Not a mistake (I saw that it came directly from the text), but I was unclear on what exactly Garan meant by “getting our range” (and I don’t think that Chomper or Cera would understand those terms either). I think this part could benefit from being reworded.
The small bolt of energy was more than enough to remove the lock, allowing to door to swing open.
Should be “the”.
She turned to Kongu, only to see Velika taking a close look at the crossbow as if it was the greatest device he had ever seen. For an inventor, he's even worse than Nuparu, thought Cera.
Behind the second door was a chamber filled with random scraps of equipment. Once again, Garan had to pull Velika away so they could keep going.
I enjoyed these two little scenes. I appreciated the first for being a continuity nod to your last story (when the gang knew Nuparu as an Onu-Matoran obsessed with inventing); something I love to see in serial works (You do this again later with Cera and Chomper’s comments on the writing). The second one just made me laugh. :lol
Eventually, they came across a massive chamber that was filled with all kind of objects and looked like it had been used recently. A cage hung from the ceiling in one corner of the chamber, while another corner had a pile of valuable artifacts, no doubt all of them were stolen from various places.
”Kind” should be “kinds”, and the comma should either be changed to a semi-colon, or changed to a period with the following line beginning a new sentence. By the way, “valuable artifacts” is a bit of a vague term, and I don’t think Cera and Chomper would recognize the value of those objects, whatever they are.
“It looks like it's supposed to quick-teach the user how to stay atop a wild animal,” He showed the tablet to Chomper.
Change comma to period.
I don’t quite understand why the group was so horrified just to find the Toa Nuva’s masks. Didn’t the Toa Nuva tell them that they had been stolen earlier by the Piraka? And the Matoran were captured with the Toa, so the discovery of the masks shouldn’t change anything as far as revealing what happened to the Toa Nuva. I know that this scene comes from the books, but I think that you could change it so that it makes more sense.
Suddenly, a massive explosion blew a missive hole in one of the walls of the chamber.
”Missive” should be “massive”, but seeing as you just used the word “massive” earlier in the sentence, I would suggest making it a different word entirely.
Kongu and Nuparu moved to stand next to their fellow Toa at the front, while Garan and Velika went to their Matoran friends and Cera and Chomper rejoined their friends at the back.
This sentence came off as a little awkward, probably because three sets of characters are moving around to merge with three groups of other characters; it might be a little too much activity to be summarized like this. It is also not directly stated who is in the group of new arrivals, considering that there were two groups before; it can only be inferred from further reading that the groups 1 and 2 reconvened offscreen before going to meet group 3.
It was impossible to hear any dialogue over the noise of the battle. Hahli was struggling against the white Piraka, Thok. Matoro encased the blue Piraka, Vezok, in ice so he could help the Toa of Water. Nuparu seemed to have his hands full trying to fight the seemingly untouchable green Piraka, Zaktan. Hewkii ended his fight with Brutaka by using his elemental powers to rip open the stone floor and make Brutaka fall into the hole, then then cover the hole with stone from the walls and ceiling. Hewkii then joined Jaller in fending off the black Piraka, Reidak. The brown Piraka, Avak, had used his special power to create perfect prisons on Kongu. For an unseen reason, the Toa of Air was holding his breath.
I regret to share my all-too-frequent gripe that this scene is not detailed enough. The good news is that I think it has a lot of potential; the confrontations between each of the Toa and Piraka just need to be elaborated on, with each one given its own short paragraph, rather than just a single short sentence. And the rest of the chapter (the part with Nuparu) was VERY good. :yes I especially loved the post-battle conversation the gang had with him, one of my favorite lines being Nuparu’s, “I decided to take Zaktan for a swim…Apparently, he's not very good at it”; it just felt like a perfect Bionicle quip. :lol
Ducky gasped as she saw this. “Does he know how to swim?” she asked.
“That's Toa of Stone who can't swim. He's a Toa of Earth,” Cera reminded her.
Another great little callback to Quest for the Energy Stones. Nice to see that the gang know their Matoran. :smile
“It's kind of hard to carry someone whose body is like a swarm of insects, so I decided to simply encase him in earth, making sure it's porous enough to allow him to breathe.”
I thought that this part was just a little too close to the text. It sounded a little odd being spoken by Nuparu when it was originally part of the narrative. I’d just have him explain what he did with Zaktan in different words.
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Pangaea: I live one time zone ahead of you, so what I see on my end is that you posted just after midnight, but it doesn't change the fact that you posted your review just 4 1/2 hours after I posted the chapter, so good job. :yes For many of the problems you had pointed out (like the Toa Nuva's masks), I thought details from earlier chapters would have already explained them, but since you seemed to have missed them, I decided to add more to the chapter to help "remind the reader," so to speak. Also, I suggest you might want to try double checking (and triple checking) long posts, which is what I always do before I post each chapter. I'm pointing this out because I noticed this:
I don’t recall the Piraka stronghold’s “robotic guardians” being mentioned before. I think you should go into more detail here, such as describing what they look like and how they work (e.g., are they mobile, or stationary like a gun turret?) an earlier chapter? I think you should describe what
The last sentence or two definitely seem to be incomplete.
I'm very pleased with the progress I made on this week's chapter. I managed to start it much earlier in the week and got it finished a few days ago. This is very good for me, because it's given me enough time to copy text from the next Bionicle book onto my computer, so that I can start working on the next few chapters. Here's the next chapter.
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Chapter 16
An Uneasy Alliance
(Something isn't working in editing this part of this post.)
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As the Piraka continued to work on their Zamor sphere, Axonn walked up to Toa Jaller and handed him a Zamor sphere of his own. “You're going to need this,” said Axonn.
Jaller looked at the glowing yellow sphere in his hand. “For what?” asked Jaller.
“Jaller, the Mask of Life is not just any Kanohi,” replied Axonn. “It's powerful... in the wrong hands, devastating... and it needs protection. Ages ago, at almost the dawn of time, my people hid the mask away and placed guardians around it.”
Jaller assumed he knew who these guardians were, so he said, “You and Brutaka.”
“Oh, if it were only us there might be no danger,” continued Axonn. “No, what protects the Mask of Life are things infinitely worse ó beings beyond good or evil, who exist for one purpose: to keep the unworthy away from the mask. Even I, one of those assigned to protect this ultimate Kanohi, would not be allowed to lay hands upon it without first overcoming them.”
“So if we defeat them ó if we prove ourselves worthy ó we can get the Mask of Life,” said Jaller. “And if we're unworthy?”
“They will kill you,” replied Axonn.
Jaller looked to the right and saw a glowing red sphere in Zaktan's hand. “The Zamor sphere is finished,” declared the Piraka leader.
“I'll take it,” said Hewkii as he held out his hand. “My mask power will allow me to hit them on the first shot.”
“I hate Toa... but I despise traitors,” muttered Zaktan as he handed the sphere to the Toa of Stone.
Jaller turned back to Axonn and said, “It looks like we're ready to get moving. Are you coming with us?”
“No,” replied Axonn. “I'm staying here.”
“I see,” said Jaller, nodding. “As backup, just in case we fail?”
Axonn shook his head and looked down at Brutaka, who still lay motionless on the floor. “No, Toa. Just in case you succeed,” said Axonn.
“I get it now,” said Littlefoot, who had been listening in on the conversation. “If we do succeed, the power that Hakann and Thok had stolen will be returned to Brutaka, and you will be here to hold him back so he won't stop us from finding the Mask of Life.”
Axonn nodded solemnly. It pained him to think that he would have to battle his old friend to save the universe.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” said Cera, bringing Jaller and Littlefoot's attention back to the others. “Let's stop wasting time and get going.”
Toa Jaller silently nodded and led the group of Toa, young dinosaurs, and Piraka out of the chamber through the hole in the wall and out of the stronghold.
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The group followed Axonn's directions to the Mask of Life, knowing that was where Hakann and Thok were sure to be going. Although the mask was in a chamber beneath the lake of lava, the only way to get to it was through a long underground stairway. The entrance to that stairway was south of the volcano, somewhere within the Green Belt.
“Are we still on the right path, Chomper?” asked Littlefoot. He had asked this a few times to make sure that they were indeed following Hakann and Thok.
Chomper sniffed the air a few times and replied, “Oh yes, definitely.”
The group was about to enter the Green Belt when Petrie pointed out flames in the distance.
“Well, at least they aren't making it hard for us to track them,” said Jaller.
“A trail of destruction. How careless of them,” joked Kongu.
Vezok chuckled and said, “It's almost as if they want us to hunt them down.”
“Or maybe they finally realized the only beings powerful enough to stop them are each other,” added Avak.
“In that case, I say we hold back and wait for one of them to be defeated, then finish off the other one,” said Reidak.
“I just hope they don't blow up the whole island while they're at it,” said Cera.
As soon as those words left her mouth, there was a massive explosion at the source of the flames. Fortunately, everyone was far enough away to not be affected by the blast, but the sight of it was still devastating.
“It's too much to hope they were killed by that explosion, right?” asked Matoro.
Jaller turned to the Toa and said, “Nuparu, Kongu, scout ahead and see if they're still alive.”
The two Toa nodded. Kongu ran to the site of the explosion, while Nuparu activated his mask power and flew over to the devastated area.
“This is so scary. It is, it is,” said Ducky nervously.
“Aw, it's so scary,” mocked Reidak. Then his tone changed to an aggressive one. “Get used to it, runt!”
Cera shook her head and said, “You guys better be good at stopping them. The sooner we can stop working together, the better.”
“Couldn't agree more,” muttered Zaktan.
Toa Nuparu quickly returned from his scouting mission and landed next to Jaller and Hahli.
“I'm surprised that didn't happen before,” said Nuparu. “A Piraka with heat vision on a volcanic island probably riddled with gas pockets. One glance in the wrong direction and boom.”
Toa Kongu ran back to the group and reported, “They're both alive, but thought-jumbled. We need to strike now!”
Jaller turned to the others and said, “We move in. Kongu, you're with Nuparu; Hahli, with Hewkii; Matoro, with me; and the Pirakaó”
“Will see to themselves,” finished Zaktan harshly. “We agreed to help you for our own reasons. We did not agree to take your orders, Toa.”
“Maybe you'd rather go for another swim?” asked Nuparu, smiling.
Zaktan glared at the Toa of Earth in response.
“What about us?” asked Littlefoot.
“Stay here,” replied Jaller. “It's way too dangerous to let you anywhere near them.”
“I don't get it,” said Ruby. “If you won't let us help you stop Hakann and Thok, then why did you let us help you find Hakann and Thok?”
“It would be too dangerous to leave you at the stronghold with Brutaka,” replied Matoro.
“I don't care how dangerous it is,” declared Cera. “We didn't come all this way just to stay away from the fight. We're helping you.”
“Mata Nui, for your own safety, you need to stay here!” exclaimed Hewkii.
“Come on!” shouted Reidak. “You'll never get them to listen to you like that! You have to threaten them!” He then began to charge at the young dinosaurs, but was stopped when Zaktan held out his arm in front of him.
“Allow me,” said the Piraka leader calmly before approaching the gang.
The gang was petrified as they watched Zaktan walk up to them. They had heard about what this Piraka was capable of, and occasionally even seen it too. The power that made him the unquestioned leader of the Piraka was that fact that his body was more like a swarm of tiny but deadly insects than a solid mass. His every movement sounded like dry leaves blowing in the wind, the sound amplified by every step he took. Finally, the Piraka leader stood right in front of them.
Zaktan opened his mouth to speak when Cera suddenly said, “Okay, we'll stay here, right guys?”
The rest of the young dinosaurs quickly agreed with her. None of them were interested at all in seeing how Zaktan would threaten them.
Zaktan smiled at his accomplishment and turned back to rejoin the Piraka.
“Was that really necessary?” asked Hewkii.
“Let it go, Hewkii,” said Jaller. “The important thing is they'll be safe.”
Zaktan turned to the Toa and said, “We'll strike first. We know their weaknesses very well, and I'm sure some of us have been desperate to see an end to those two.” Vezok clenched his weapons more tightly in anger, showing how much he despised Hakann. “Once that Zamor sphere has been fired, this alliance will be over and we will take you down, Toa.”
Toa Jaller nodded and said, “So be it.”
Zaktan led the Piraka off the path and into the forest.
“Should we just let them go?” asked Hahli.
“They may be taking a different route, but they're headed to the same place we are,” replied the Toa of Fire. “Straight into the fire.”
As the Toa began to continue down the path, Matoro turned back to the gang and said, “Try not to follow us, and don't worry, we'll be fine.”
“Be careful,” said Ruby as she and her friends watched the Toa charge into the battle.
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Read and review, as always. The next chapter will use text from the next Bionicle book in the series, so I'm definitely glad I had time this week to start copying that text onto my computer.
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Well, so much for the glimmer of hope that I would make a habit of reviewing chapters promptly. :rolleyes I’m so sorry about taking so long (again). :bang
Also, I suggest you might want to try double checking (and triple checking) long posts, which is what I always do before I post each chapter. I'm pointing this out because I noticed this:I don’t recall the Piraka stronghold’s “robotic guardians” being mentioned before. I think you should go into more detail here, such as describing what they look like and how they work (e.g., are they mobile, or stationary like a gun turret?) an earlier chapter? I think you should describe what
The last sentence or two definitely seem to be incomplete.
Glah! :slap Not again! You can blame my forgetfulness and scatterbrainedness for that oversight. I’ve fixed it now; just some scraps from attempted rewordings that I had to trim off the end. (I think it’s a bad sign when the proofreader fails to follow a standard proofreading procedure that the author of the work being proofread adheres to. :unsure:)
I must say that the Piraka forming a truce with the Toa came as a real surprise to me. The Toa’s acceptance of the Piraka as temporary allies felt a little abrupt at first, but in the third part of the chapter you captured the friction between them really well. I think the Piraka’s offer of assistance would feel more realistic and in-character for them if their motivationóthat traitors surpass Toa on their list of hated enemiesówere brought up sooner, to emphasize their reasoning for wanting to help.
I also really liked seeing the gang finally interact a little more with the Piraka, having previously been paid little heed by them. (The paragraph describing Zaktan as seen by the gang was especially well written. :yes)
I have noticed that in this chapter, as well as other recent chapters, there have been more lines from Cera, and parts of the story told from her point of view. This is good, and I encourage you to do this with other members of the gang. I did think that the rest of the gang didn’t get quite enough lines in the first two parts of the chapter; except for one line each from Ruby, Petrie, and Chomper at the beginning, Littlefoot and Cera were the only ones who spoke during the scenes inside the stronghold. Maybe some of their lines could be reattributed to other members of the gang, or a few lines from the others (such as protests against the Piraka’s wanting to come with themóI can especially imagine the moralistic Ducky and nervous Petrie speaking out against that idea) could be squeezed in there.
She just couldn't ignore how suspiciously outside of the battle Hakann had seemed to be.
Should be “have been”.
“I was expecting to see all of the Piraka defeated, or all of the Toa defeated,” said Ruby, “but I wasn't expecting to see all of the Piraka and all of the Toa defeated.”
I just loved this line. It’s so Ruby. :lol
“He's Axonn,” said Littlefoot, figuring everyone would like that answer more than the one they got from Axonn.
Another sentence I really liked.
Nobody had expected how Jaller reacted to this.
This sentence is a little awkward to correct; it should be past tense, not past perfect tense, but there’s a number of ways it could be rewritten. I guess I would go with, “Nobody expected Jaller’s reaction” (removing “to this”).
We'll make a Zamor sphere that can reverse the process, but only if we go with you.”
I would change this to “only if you let us come with you”. It makes more sense as a word choice, since the Piraka need the Toa’s consent to go with them. (It sounds a little silly when I try to explain it…hopefully you get what I mean.)
Littlefoot turned away to see Toa Kongu approaching the giant vat that contained the virus that was used to enslave the Matoran.
Should be “had been”.
“We don't. And, Hewkii, we can't afford to become worse than the enemies we fight.”
Unneeded comma.
Reluctantly, Hewkii used his elemental power to shatter the stone that trapped Avak, Vezok, and Reidak. Nuparu also used his elemental power to free Zaktan.
I would have liked to have seen a little more detail put into this scene, especially Zaktan’s release. I’m not clear on how exactly a Toa’s “elemental power” works (or I just keep forgetting); I imagine it as a beam or something that, in this case, shatters the earth encasing Zaktan. Personally, I think that every time you describe the Bionicle characters using their powers, writing variations of “fired a beam of elemental energy”, “blasted ______ with his/her elemental power”, “struck ______ with a bolt from his/her (name of weapon)”, etc. is preferable to simply saying “used his/her elemental power to ______”.
I’m also curious as to what sort of state Zaktan was in upon being released (I’d imagine being immobilized in a ball of mud was a first for him :lol). Dazed? Disoriented? Recovering from claustrophobia? Possessed of an intense desire to stuff Nuparu’s mask in his mouth? :p And while imprisoned, was he conscious enough to be aware of what was going on outside and what other characters were saying? Or did he need to be told of the temporary truce after being released (or telepathically informed by Kongu beforehand)? I think it would have been great if more detail were given on this (though I give you credit for at least differentiating Zaktan’s release from the earth cocoon from the other Piraka’s release from the stone hands, unlike the text).
“Whatever is inside that crystal... inside the Zamor spheres the Piraka used... it's alive,” said Kongu, still in shock. “Alive... and evil.”
A sentient virus that takes control of the bodies of Matoran…creepy. :blink:
Overall, I enjoyed this chapter. :yes Hopefully I’ll have my head together next time, so I can review the next new chapter sooner. :oops
P.S. This time I did look over my review before I posted it. ;)
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(Okay, I don't know what the heck is going on here, but here is the rest of the revised chapter that somehow won't be able to be edited in the original post.)
Cera had an uneasy feeling as she and her friends approached the stronghold. She just couldn't ignore how suspiciously outside of the battle Hakann had seemed to have been. She knew he was up to something, but she didn't have a clue on what exactly it could be.
Nuparu led the gang through the giant hole in the wall that led to the central chamber. Once they got inside, they were stunned by what they saw. Brutaka was on the floor and seemed so weakened that he might as well have been dead. All of the Toa and Piraka were bound by giant stone hands that seemed to have come from the walls themselves. Nuparu immediately dumped the cocoon that contained Zaktan and rushed over to free Toa Jaller.
“I was expecting to see all of the Piraka defeated, or all of the Toa defeated,” said Ruby, “but I wasn't expecting to see all of the Piraka and all of the Toa defeated.”
“Not all of the Piraka,” pointed out Cera. “One of them is missing... Hakann. I knew he was up to something!”
“I don't see the white Piraka, either,” said Chomper, pointing out that Thok was missing, too.
“That would explain why everyone is trapped like this,” said Littlefoot, remembering the Matoran's explanation of the Piraka's powers. “Thok must have brought the walls to life to hold everyone down while he and Hakann escaped.”
“Me no think he strong-powerful enough to do all this,” said Petrie, doubtful but also worried by what would be powerful enough to trap everyone.
Once the Toa of Fire was free, Nuparu asked, “What happened?”
“That's not as important as what's about to,” replied Jaller. Before anyone could say anything, he walked up to where Brutaka lay and asked, “You told them, didn't you?”
Brutaka didn't move or say anything. He wasn't actually dead, but he was far too weak to respond.
“You know the location of the Mask of Life,” continued Jaller. “After Hakann and Thok stole your power, they gave you a choice, didn't they? Tell them where the mask is, or die.”
The gang gasped in shock at what they just heard. However it might have happened, if Hakann and Thok now had Brutaka's power added to their own, they could very easily be unstoppable. And worse, they now knew exactly where to find the Mask of Life.
“Jaller, that makes no sense,” said Hahli, now freed from the stone embrace with the rest of the Toa. “He would have been unconscious from Hakann's mental blast, just like the rest of us.”
“Would he?” asked Jaller. “Kongu, use your mask and read his mind.”
Kongu triggered his mask power and tried to read Brutaka's thoughts. After a few moments, he gave up and shook his head. “I can't hear a thing,” reported Kongu. “His mind is shielded.”
“Exactly,” stated Jaller. “From what Hewkii and Balta have told me, it's clear that Axonn and Brutaka were on the island to protect the mask. With that sort of valuable secret in their heads, it only makes sense they would be shielded against telepathy or mental attack. Nothing could make them part with that knowledge... except cowardice.”
“Or necessity.”
Everyone turned to see Axonn standing atop the rubble of the wall. Despite the fact that his armor was still battered, he now seemed to be well rested and ready for battle.
“Who are you?” asked Jaller. “What are you?” Jaller was among the Toa who had still not yet met Axonn.
“It's enough that you can be sure we are on the same side, Toa,” replied Axonn, “and I think who I am is less important than what I know.”
“He's Axonn,” said Littlefoot, figuring everyone would like that answer more than the one they got from Axonn.
“Hakann and Thok are on their way to get the mask,” explained Jaller. “We need to know where it is so we can stop them.”
“I'll stop them,” said Axonn as he turned away and began heading out of the chamber.
Nobody expected Jaller's reaction. He grabbed Axonn roughly and pulled him back into the chamber. “We don't have time for this!” exclaimed Jaller. “I don't care how powerful you are, we can't let the safety of the universe depend solely on one being. For good or ill, we're Toa, Axonn. Tell us where the enemy has gone and let us do our jobs.”
Axonn thought about it for a moment and eventually admitted that the Toa of Fire was right. Throughout his entire time spent on Voya Nui, he had always dealt with any problem himself or with the help of Brutaka. Now, the stakes were higher than ever before. It would be foolish to think he could handle this on his own. Finally, he said to the Toa, “Come with me, out of the Piraka's hearing, and I will tell you all I know.”
“Hold it!” shouted Avak. “You need us!” He and the other Piraka ó Vezok and Reidak ó were still bound by the stone hands created by Thok.
“Right, like we need a second shadow plague,” said Kongu.
“Yeah, why would we ever need you?” agreed Cera.
“Maybe you won't talk so much, Toa, with your mask stuffed in your mouth,” threatened Reidak.
Avak ignored Reidak and continued, “There's no denying that we all know this: The only way you are going to stop Hakann and Thok is to reverse what they did to Brutaka, and only we know how to do that. We'll make a Zamor sphere that can reverse the process, but only if you let us come with you.”
“We could find other ways to get the information from you,” said Hewkii.
Avak laughed and said, “Even if you had the will ó and you don't, Toa, not ëheroes’ like you ó you don't have the time.”
“He's right,” said Hahli. “We don't. And Hewkii, we can't afford to become worse than the enemies we fight.”
Littlefoot sighed and said, “I guess this means only one thing: The only way to stop Hakann and Thok is for us to work with the rest of the Piraka.”
“Are you crazy!?” exclaimed Cera.
“Yeah, Piraka evil-bad,” agreed Petrie.
“I do not think we should do that. No, no, no,” said Ducky in worry.
“There's no other way, guys,” replied Jaller. He turned to the Piraka and said, “We'll let you come with us, but only if you promise to create a Zamor sphere that will undo what was done to Brutaka.”
“Deal,” said Avak.
Jaller turned to Hewkii and said, “Let them go.”
Reluctantly, Hewkii reached his hand out and the stone that trapped Avak, Vezok, and Reidak shattered within seconds. Nuparu also reluctantly freed Zaktan from the earthen cocoon. Zaktan had listened to the entire conversation that had taken place. Needless to say, he was not happy with the treachery of Hakann and Thok.
“There's just one thing I don't get,” said Nuparu as he watched the Piraka leader shift his substance back into its typical form. “Why do you wish to help us stop Hakann and Thok? They are your allies, right?”
Zaktan chuckled in response. “Of course you don't get it. You're a Toa,” replied Zaktan. “Heroes like you always share the glory, but that's not what a Piraka does.” He glanced back to see Avak holding an empty sphere and speaking with Reidak and Vezok about what it should be filled with. Zaktan quickly turned his gaze back to the Toa. “None of us will say this aloud to each other, but once the Mask of Life is ours, it's every Piraka for himself. The only reason we work together is simply because it will make it easier for us to get to the mask in the first place. If we don't stop those two traitors, one of them is guaranteed to get away with the mask... and I hate those odds.” Zaktan then turned to join the other Piraka in making the Zamor sphere they promised.
Meanwhile, Axonn had noticed the empty spheres on the floor nearby. He held up one of them and studied it, intrigued.
Littlefoot noticed this and asked, “What are you doing, Axonn?”
“The Toa will be needing something important for the end of their quest,” replied Axonn. “This sphere could be the best way to utilize it.”
Unsure what Axonn had meant by that, Littlefoot turned away to see Toa Kongu approaching the giant vat that contained the virus that had been used to enslave the Matoran. Littlefoot was curious what the Toa of Air was doing, so he walked up to the vat and stood next to him. He stared at the greenish-black virus for a few seconds.
Kongu reached his hand out to touch the glass. A few seconds later, he suddenly jumped back as if he had received an electric shock.
“What is it?” asked Litttlefoot, alarmed by Kongu's reaction.
“I heard thoughts,” replied Kongu in shock.
Littlefoot knew it was due to Kongu's mask power, but was surprised that the Toa of Air had heard any thoughts at all from this substance.
“Whatever is inside that crystal... inside the Zamor spheres the Piraka used... it's alive,” said Kongu, still in shock. “Alive... and evil.”
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Pangaea: Now that I have finally posted the revised previous chapter, I suggest you read it. Among the edits and additions I made, I decided to include in the first part a more plausible reason for the Piraka to team up with the Toa than what you had assumed.
Despite having an extra week to work on this chapter, I didn't quite manage to write everything that I had planned for in this chapter. However, considering how long it already is, I've decided to split it into two chapters. If I had written everything I had originally planned, this chapter would have possibly ended up twice as long as it is now. Anyway, here's the next chapter.
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Chapter 17
The Underground Stairway
The gang had waited at the edge of the Green Belt for many minutes. Despite having easy access to some food and water to help them calm their nerves, many of them were now getting anxious. They could just barely make out the noise of the battle. For now, all they could do was wonder what exactly was happening over there.
Cera had been pacing back and forth for a while now, frustrated at not being able to help the Toa and at what had discouraged her and her friends from following them. “Zaktan,” she thought aloud. “Why did it have to be Zaktan? Why couldn't any of the other Piraka be the one to threaten us?”
“As much as I would hate to agree with a Piraka,” stated Ruby, “I must agree with what the Piraka said about us: We would never listen to the Toa and stay out of danger if the Piraka didn't threaten us.”
“I know, I know,” grumbled Cera. “But of all the Piraka, why did it have to be Zaktan?” Cera had intended to ignore the Toa's warnings and watch the battle herself, even if her friends refused to follow her. However, Zaktan was the one Piraka that she was truly afraid of. The only reason she was willing to admit this was that the rest of her friends were also terrified of him, so it was no loss to her pride.
“Well, he didn't really do anything to threaten us,” Littlefoot pointed out. “We didn't even give him a chance to say anything before we all agreed to stay here. If it had been any other Piraka, they would have had to actually do something.”
“Oh yes, that would have been really bad,” agreed Ducky. “It would, it would.”
The gang faintly heard another explosion, knowing that the battle to stop Hakann and Thok was still going on. Strangely, they didn't hear anything else after that explosion. After waiting a few minutes, they began to realize that the battle might now be over.
Littlefoot broke the silence and said, “I think it might be over.”
“Who do you think won?” asked Chomper.
“I don't know, but I'm going to find out,” declared Cera as she began to head towards the battlefield.
Ducky gasped and exclaimed, “No, Cera! It is too dangerous! It is, it is!”
Cera ignored Ducky's warning and countered, “What if the Toa won? Zaktan won't hurt us if he's defeated.”
Littlefoot sighed. “Okay, let's go find out what happened,” he said reluctantly.
The gang headed deeper within the Green Belt to where they had seen the massive explosion before the Toa had left them. They were almost there when they heard a low hum. The strange noise stopped them in their tracks.
“W-w-what that?” asked Petrie nervously.
In addition to the low hum, a strange green cloud passed over their heads and began to circle around them, as if it had a mind of its own.
“Oh no,” said Cera quietly as she realized what was going on.
The cloud-like substance came together and took on its original form. Standing before the young dinosaurs was the Piraka leader. “And just where do you think you're going?” asked Zaktan.
The gang was speechless. There was no denying that they had disobeyed Zaktan's orders. None of them could find the courage to say anything because they were terrified beyond belief by what Zaktan would do to them.
Cera gulped and finally said, “We... we thought the battle might be over and... we just wanted to see if the Toa were okay.” With the message out, Cera quickly braced herself.
Surprisingly, Zaktan made no move to attack the young dinosaurs. Instead, after thinking it over for a few seconds, he grinned. “Go ahead,” said the Piraka leader, “check on the Toa, tend to their wounds. I won't stop you... because you'll be doing nothing more than slow them down. Feel free to hold them back for as long as possible... it will just make it easier for me to get my hands on the Mask of Life.” Zaktan laughed evilly as his substance dispersed and flew off back to the battlefield.
The young dinosaurs just stood there in silence. All of them hated to admit it, but they realized that Zaktan might be right. If the Toa Inika had been defeated in the battle and the Piraka were now on their way to grabbing the Mask of Life, then there was no time to waste. The Toa would now have to catch up to the Piraka, and even the smallest of delays could spell doom for the Matoran universe.
“What do we do now?” asked Ducky.
“We're still going to check on the Toa,” replied Littlefoot, “but we must do so as quickly as possible. Zaktan is right; The longer the Toa stay here, the harder it will be for them to get the Mask of Life.”
The gang followed Littlefoot through the forest and soon came to a clearing. They were shocked at all of the devastation they saw. Many of the nearby trees were charred or blasted to splinters. There was little doubt that there had once been many more trees within the clearing just moments ago. There was also a giant hole in a nearby cliff that led downward in a seemingly endless tunnel. The rock that made up this cliff seemed very solid, so it made sense that only the massive explosion they had seen while chasing after Hakann and Thok would be powerful enough to blast such a big hole into the cliff. The most shocking sight of all was the six unconscious forms of the Toa Inika.
Littlefoot rushed over to the nearest of the Toa, Hahli. He gently nudged the Toa of Water and said, “Hahli? Are you okay?”
Hahli stirred and turned to face the young Longneck.
“We thought the battle might be over, so we decided to see if you and other Toa were okay,” explained Littlefoot.
Hahli slowly stood up and said, “I'm glad you and your friends stayed away from all of this, Littlefoot. No dinosaur or Matoran could have survived this, not even one with the luck of Takua.” The Toa of Water then walked over to Nuparu and Kongu and awakened them with a cooling mist.
As Hahli repeated the process on the other Toa, Kongu turned to Nuparu and grumbled, “Next time, I'll do the flying.”
“Not my fault,” countered Nuparu. “Thok's spellbinder vision made us crash.”
Of the six Toa Inika, Jaller was currently in the best shape, no doubt thanks to his mask power allowing him to avoid the most damaging part of the final attack. The Toa of Fire looked around and asked, “Where are the Piraka? Before Hakann and Thok struck us will all of their power, the rest of the Piraka were already defeated. Except for Zaktan.”
“And I fired that Zamor sphere at those two,” added Hewkii, holding up the launcher that Jaller had allowed him to borrow. “If it did take Brutaka's power away from them, they should have fallen at the same time we did.”
“They were gone when we came to check on you guys,” replied Cera.
“But on our way here, Zaktan came to us and said that we would only slow you down while he would get to the Mask of Life,” added Littlefoot.
“It looks like he took the other Piraka with him, even Hakann and Thok,” noted Nuparu. “At least it means that Zamor sphere worked, which leaves just six regular Piraka going after the Mask of Life.”
“We know what the Piraka are doing, but we still don't know where the Piraka have gone,” said Ruby.
“We all know where they went,” answered Matoro, gesturing towards the entrance to the recently opened tunnel. “Into yet another dark tunnel in a universe that seems to be filled with them. Next time we go on a hike, Jaller, remind me to bring some extra lightstones ó maybe twenty thousand.”
“We go after them,” stated Hewkii with determination.
“What about Axonn and the Toa Nuva?” asked Chomper.
“No time,” replied Jaller. “Whether or not it was our destiny to find the Mask of Life when we got here, I think it's our destiny now. There's no one else to do it.”
“Is that what heroes are, I wonder?” thought Hahli aloud. “Beings who do what they have to do, because they have no other choice?”
“Turaga Nuju once speak-said that no one would ever choose to be a Toa,” said Kongu. He then smiled. “No one except a crazy Le-Matoran, that is.”
“Maybe you don't choose a destiny like that,” said Nuparu. “Maybe it chooses you.”
“Can we please stop talking about destiny and get the Mask of Life before the Piraka do?” asked Cera impatiently.
Jaller nodded and said, “She's right, we can't afford to waste any more time.” After taking just a few steps towards the tunnel entrance, Jaller turned back to the gang and said, “Don't even think about following us this time. You heard what Axonn said about these stairs. It's just way too dangerous to let you come with us past this point.”
Cera was about to argue with the Toa of Fire when Littlefoot stepped in front of her and said, “Let it go, Cera. We don't have time to argue.”
Cera sighed in defeat and stepped back to rejoin her friends. Nobody noticed Kongu looking at Littlefoot suspiciously before turning back to enter the underground stairway with the rest of the Toa.
Once the Toa Inika were out of sight, Cera decided to speak up. “Are we really going to just sit here all day?” she asked in frustration.
“Not really,” replied Littlefoot, catching everyone by surprise. “We're just going to give the Toa a head start. Then, if we really want to, we can follow them and offer to help once we catch up to them.”
“Me no think that such good thought-plan,” said Petrie nervously.
Cera ignored Petrie and said to Littlefoot, “You can count me in.”
“Me too,” said Chomper, stepping forward.
“Us too,” added Ducky, who was currently riding atop Spike.
Spike nodded in agreement.
“You can count me in, too,” said Ruby.
Petrie then noticed everyone turned to look at him, knowing he was the only one to not yet agree. After turning to see Ducky apparently begging for him to join, he sighed in defeat and said, “Okay... me in... me guess.”
After waiting a few more minutes, Littlefoot decided that the Toa now had enough of a head start on them. He then led his friends into the tunnel and down the long stairway.
“Me have ever-bad feeling about this,” said Petrie uneasily.
“Petrie, you always have an ëever-bad’ feeling every time we go underground,” grumbled Cera.
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The gang had remembered Axonn's warning that there would be many guardians along this stairway to keep anyone away from the Mask of Life. So far, they had come across nothing unusual. All they saw was a seemingly endless stairway that just kept on going down. They would occasionally pass by a lightstone that hung from the ceiling, providing just enough light for them to be able to see where they were going.
After a few minutes, the gang came across their first obstacle. At the next lightstone along the underground stairway, the tunnel split in two directions, and the stairway to the right was blocked off by rubble.
“I guess this means we go left,” concluded Littlefoot.
Everyone began to follow Littlefoot, but Chomper stopped after he sniffed the air a bit. “Wait... something doesn't seem right,” said Chomper.
“What is it, Chomper?” asked Ruby.
Chomper sniffed the air some more before replying, “The Toa went left, but... the Piraka went right.”
The gang turned to look at the rubble that blocked off the other passage. “Now I get it,” said Cera, slightly angered. “The Piraka took the easy way and then blocked it off!”
“I don't think the Piraka did this,” said Ruby, taking a close look at the rubble. “These rocks are smooth, which means they've been here for a long time, which means the Piraka were not the ones to block this tunnel.”
“How is that possible?” asked Chomper. “My sniffer is telling me the Piraka went this way, and we know they can't go through rock.”
“What do you think, Littlefoot?” asked Ducky.
“I'll admit that it sounds strange, but I say we just keep going,” replied Littlefoot. “If the Toa went left, then that's where we'll go. At least we won't have to worry about running into the Piraka.”
“Good point,” agreed Petrie.
Everyone turned to begin heading down the unblocked stairway, but had only gone one step when they noticed something unexpected approaching them. At first, all they could see was the silhouette of the head and neck of an adult Longneck. As the stranger came closer, the limited light allowed them to see this Longneck's features. Most of the gang didn't recognize this stranger, but Littlefoot gasped in shock at what he saw.
Littlefoot struggled to get the words out of his mouth, but eventually managed to quietly say, “Mother?”
The rest of the gang also gasped in shock at this revelation. Out of all of them, Cera had been the only one who had ever seen her. Now that she looked more closely, Cera realized that this Longneck did indeed resemble Littlefoot's mother.
“Hello, little ones,” said Littlefoot's mother calmly. “I must say this is the most... unusual herd I have ever seen. Yet, after all you have been through, you have clearly managed to stay together.”
“This is impossible,” said Cera, turning to Littlefoot. “I don't know who she is, but she can't be your mother. We all know what happened to her.”
“Am I dead in your hearts?” asked Littlefoot's mother. “Am I dead in your memories? If the answer to those questions is no, then I am not truly dead.”
“Then what are you doing here?” asked Ruby. “Why have you decided to show yourself to us in a way that you've never shown yourself to us before?”
“I have come to warn you all of the mistake you are making,” continued Littlefoot's mother. “Please do not continue down this path. The Mask of Life is simply too dangerous for kids like you to find. Turn back, and let the Toa do their job.”
This statement caught the gang completely by surprise. True, their parents had frequently told them to be more careful about what they did and where they went. But the idea of a deceased relative seemingly coming back in the flesh just to tell them to stay out of danger didn't seem right to them.
Littlefoot looked up into the eyes of his mother, hard as it was for him to do without breaking down with emotion. When he was much younger, Littlefoot had always felt safe and comfortable whenever he looked up at his mother's caring and loving face. This time was different. Littlefoot couldn't explain it, but this Longneck did not show the same caring expression he had seen when his mother was alive. He knew something wasn't right. Barely containing his emotions, Littlefoot looked up at his mother and said, “You should know... you must know... what it means to save others. Just a few minutes before you... died, you not only saved my life, but Cera's as well. After that, I quickly learned that I should always give help to anyone who needs it, even if they are not a Longneck like me. And right now, those Toa need all the help they can get. If you really are my mother... if you really do know how important it is to help others... would you really refuse to help someone who is trying to save everything they know of?”
The adult Longneck shook her head and said, “No, I wouldn't.” Her head and neck then began to withdraw back into the darkness. “But, then... look at what happened to me.”
Acting on instinct, Littlefoot began to rush down the steps and exclaimed, “Wait! Come back, Mother! Don't go!” He had already lost sight of his mother, but he kept going. He then slipped and fell down a few steps, but quickly managed to stop himself before he got injured.
The rest of his friends rushed to his side in worry. “Are you okay, Littlefoot?” asked Ducky.
“I'm fine... I think,” replied Littlefoot. He wasn't physically hurt, but his mind was in confusion and his heart pained at the reminder of his deceased mother.
The others knew how hard it was to talk about Littlefoot's mother in front of their friend. However, Cera had a feeling she knew what was really going on here, so she stepped up to the challenge. “Look, Littlefoot, we all know how much you miss her,” said Cera, struggling to find the right words to use without hurting her friend's feelings. “I hate to say this out loud to you, but... Look, I'm not going to call her a stupid Longneck again ó believe me, I've learned from that mistake ó but, if you ask me... I don't think that Longneck was your mother at all.”
Ducky gasped and said, “How can you say that?”
“Think about it,” continued Cera. “Axonn said there are many things down here that are meant to keep anyone away from the Mask of Life. Who's to say one of them wouldn't try to look like someone we know and love, and tell us to leave?”
Littlefoot didn't seem to be doing much on the outside, but on the inside he struggled with his emotions. He slowly began to realize that Cera might actually be right. He remembered looking up at that Longneck and failing to see a truly loving expression on her face. If this was how the Mask of Life would try to scare him off... then he would not let it affect him. Finally, Littlefoot looked up in determination and said, “Let's keep going.”
The others looked at each other in confusion, but ultimately decided to follow him when they saw that he was already starting to continue down the stairway. None of them had any idea of what to expect the further they went, but they knew that turning back was not an option.
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Read and review, as always.
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I think your plot weaving is becoming better with each chapter you present, as now we are starting to see the Gang do things on their own. This makes things more interesting then when the Toa or the others are the ones driving the story and the gang feels like they are just being dragged along for the ride. Incorperating Littlefoot's mother actually kind of made sense when you think about the object they are pursuing and the defenses it must have around it. :idea
It's a shame this story is not going for the Fan Fiction nominations this year, since I would have given it a good review there as well. :angel Doing the original story instead will mean I'm going to have to go back and read it all again to remember what happened, which with all thats going on in real life I doubt I'll have enough time to do. :cry
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My sincerest apologies for one of the most ridiculously long delays I’ve ever forced you to endure, and for failing to keep you informed as to the reason for it. :bang
First, a few words on the updates to Chapter 16: I think all of the changes you made definitely improved the chapter, the best addition surely being Zaktan’s insight into the nature of Piraka alliances. Not only did it provide a much better rationalization for the Piraka’s wanting to help the Toa fight Hakann and Thok, but I thought that it made them much more interesting as it revealed the background for some of their villainous tendencies. However, I still think you should have gone into just a little more detail with Zaktan’s level of awareness inside the cocoon (something like: “Zaktan had been fully conscious inside the cocoon and had been able to hear the entire conversation”) and his release from it (“the earthen cocoon shattered, and the condensed ball of particles that made up Zaktan’s body expanded and shifted back into his usual form”). I’m pretty sure Caustizer brought this up alreadyóand I may be biased because I’m a highly visual person and am obsessed with descriptivenessóbut I find that it makes a story much more engaging to read if you help the reader visualize exactly what’s going on in a given scene. (Sorry; have I brought this up before? :oops I’m getting dÈj‡ vu here.)
Now, Chapter 17…
I thought you did a pretty good job building some suspense in the opening scene of the chapter; showing the gang waiting for the outcome of the Piraka/Toa battle without even being able to witness it. One thing I wasn’t clear on, however, was why Cera was so bothered by Zaktan being the Piraka who convinced the gang to stay behind. :confused
Another possible result of the explosion they had seen earlier was a giant hole in a nearby cliff and led downward in a seemingly endless tunnel.
This is a rather awkward-sounding sentence that could use some revision. Namely, the sentence speculates on the cause of the damaged landscape being viewed by the characters before said devastation is actually described. This makes the sentence sound like it is being narrated by an external observer (like a news report following a natural disaster), rather than from the point of view of a group of individuals who are witnessing it firsthand and in realtime. Basically what I’m getting at is that you should have logical flow: the visual details should be described first, as the characters first lay eyes on them, before going into speculation regarding their origins, as the characters realize what probably caused them. (In other words, first describe the hole in the cliff, and then state that it must have been caused by the explosion from before.) This is a good rule of thumb to follow whenever you are describing something from a character’s point of view. Also, if the explosion you’re talking about is the one that the gang, the Toa, and the Piraka witnessed in the last chapter, then perhaps you should specify that (“earlier” could be misinterpreted as referring to the explosion they had heard in the distance at the beginning of the chapter). Finally, “and” should definitely be “which” or “that”.
Something that’s been bugging me a little bit is that this is at least the third or fourth time in this story (as far as I can recall) in which a group of Bionicle characters have forced the gang stay behind while they headed off to do battle, free allies, or what have you, and neither the readers nor the gang get to witness any of it, or learn much about exactly what transpired. As a reader, I would feel more fulfilled if, for instance, one or more of the Toa were to mention what happened during the battle: how the Piraka defeated them; what their “final attack” was; how they managed to defeat all of the Toa so easily without any apparent defeats on their side, etc. Nuparu’s offhand mention that one of Thok’s attacks caused him and Kongu to crash-land is a step in the right direction.
“I'm glad you and your friends stayed away from all of this, Littlefoot. No Matoran could have survived this, not even one with the luck of Takua.”
I think it would make more sense if Hahli said “no dinosaur”. I think you could get rid of the part about “the luck of Takua” if you don’t think the implied phrase “a dinosaur with the luck of Takua” sounds right.
Of the six Toa Inika, Jaller was currently in the best shape, not doubt thanks to his mask power allowing him to avoid the most damaging part of the final attack.
Should be “no”.
“What about Axonn or the Toa Nuva?” asked Chomper.
I feel like this should be “and”.
“Can we please stop talking about destiny and get the Mask of Life before the Piraka do?” asked Cera impatiently.
Oh, how I loved this line. :lol How many times have we wished that a character would say this sort of thing during a similar scene in a movie?
Cera ignored Petrie and said to Littlefoot, “You can count me in.”
“Me too,” said Chomper, stepping forward.
“So are we,” added Ducky, who was currently riding atop Spike.
Ducky’s line doesn’t really fit with what the others say. Maybe “And us” or “Us too”, instead.
“Me have ever-bad feeling about this,” said Petrie uneasily.
“Petrie, you always have an ëever-bad’ feeling every time we go underground,” grumbled Cera.
Another line I really liked. :lol I think this is another callback to Quest for the Energy Stones, too; specifically, Petrie’s discomfort with traveling through subterranean places like Onu-Koro.
The scene with Littlefoot’s mother came as a real surprise to me, and I have to say, it’s one of my favorite scenes in the story so far, :yes and without a doubt the most poignant. The part where Ceraóin the gentlest and most considerate way possibleóreassures Littlefoot that what they saw was not his mother’s real ghost, was just incredibly touching to me.
“If you really are my mother... you would know what it means to save others. Just a few minutes before you... died, you not only save my life, but Cera's as well. I quickly learned that I should always give help to anyone who needs it, even if they are not a Longneck like me. And right now, those Toa need all the help they can get. If you really are my mother... if you really do know how important it is to help others... would you really refuse to help someone who is trying to save everything they know of?”
“Save” should be “saved”. Also, the two lines I have highlighted in blue are a little too similar, I think. Finally, there’s something bugging me about the use of the word “would”. I don’t think I can call it a mistake, but just to give you some food for thought, would it sound better if it were “should” instead?
Finally, you’re free to post that next chapter you were so excited about. :smile Sorry again for making you wait so long. :oops
P.S. Caustizer, just in case you didn't know, it is true that the deadline for submitting stories for the Fanfiction Awards is a week from today, but the deadline for voting isn't until the end of the month. That still gives you almost three weeks to read Chronicler's first fanfic. Is that time enough? :) (Or is your life this month even crazier than mine? :blink:)
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Pangaea: Thanks for the suggestions for chapter 17. Regardless how long it may take you, I always appreciate your helpfulness. I'm glad you thought the scene with Littlefoot's mother was very moving, because that's what I was aiming for. Prepare to see more scenes like that in the next chapter. Also, I think there's a misconception I should clear up. The chapter I'm excited about is the next one I'll be writing (chapter 19), not the one that has already been finished and was ready to post (chapter 18). The reason I'm excited about that chapter I'll be writing now is that the readers will get to meet one of my favorite Bionicle characters.
Caustizer: Yes, this is the point in the story where the gang decides to see the action for themselves rather than stay away like they are told to. This was how I had intended from the beginning for this story to go this way. If you think this makes the story better, wait until you see what happens much latter on.
Prepare for even more moving scenes in this next chapter.
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Chapter 18
Strange Obstacles
The gang continued to walk down the stairway in silence. After their encounter with the first obstacle in the form of Littlefoot's deceased mother, their spirits weren't exactly at their highest. Despite their worries about what would happen next, they were still determined to follow the Toa Inika.
The gang went around a bend in the staircase and gasped in fear at what they saw. Standing in their way was a pack of Fast-Biters: six of them in total. The Fast-Biters never made any noise or moved very far, but they certainly had their eyes on the seven young dinosaurs.
The first reaction of the gang was to scream and run away, but that lasted for only two seconds when Cera stopped as she realized something. “Guys, wait!” she shouted.
The others stopped and turned to face her in surprise. “Why you no quick-flee?” asked Petrie.
“Don't you get it?” said Cera. “Those guys are nothing more than the next guardian of this tunnel. They're trying to scare us out of here so that we don't get to the Mask of Life. If we want to catch up to the Toa, we will have to get past those Fast-Biters.”
“But how?” asked Chomper.
The gang never got a chance to figure out such a plan. The Fast-Biters immediately began to charge up the stairs. The young dinosaurs definitely wanted to get away from the Fast-Biters, but were also hesitant about going back up the stairs. Even though the stairway was a few bios wide, there still wasn't much room for them to move around in.
“Look out!” shouted Littlefoot as he and his friends jumped out of the way of the first Fast-Biter.
The Fast-Biter stopped and turned around after he passed right by the kids. Then he charged back down the stairs to try catching them again.
Littlefoot saw an opportunity and decided to take action. The Fast-Biter was focused on Ruby, so he failed to see Littlefoot jump in his way at the last second. The Fast-Biter tripped, flew harmlessly over Ruby, and then fell down the stairs. That Fast-Biter collided into two of the other Fast-Biters on the way down, but the other three managed to avoid him and kept on going.
One of the remaining Fast-Biters also ran right by the kids as they jumped out of the way. When this one headed back down, he focused on Ducky and Spike. At the same time, another Fast-Biter was coming up the stairs towards them.
Ducky looked from one Fast-Biter to the other and screamed, “Spike! Do something!”
Spike looked back and forth between the two Fast-Biters, whose jaws were now wide open. Finally, he decided to take advantage of what little space he had available and jumped to the other side of the step he was on.
Instead of biting down on the Spiketail, the two Fast-Biters bit down on each other's necks. They had applied the pressure from their jaws simultaneously and, as a result, they both dropped dead.
The last Fast-Biter seemed oblivious to his fallen companions as he continued to charge up the stairs.
“Don't worry, guys, I got this one,” boasted Cera. She then charged down the stairs directly towards the oncoming Fast-Biter. Just as she had hoped, Cera moved too fast for the Fast-Biter to react. As the Fast-Biter began to bring his head down, she slammed into his legs, sending him soaring into the air. When he came back down on his head, a loud crack was heard. The Fast-Biter never moved again.
Cera, along with her friends, looked around in shock at what had just happened. Sprawled out along the steps nearby were the dead bodies of three Fast-Biters. Further down the stairs, they could see the other three Fast-Biters, who were also as still as death.
It was Littlefoot who finally broke the silence. “This has never happened before,” he said in shock. “Of all the times we've ever been chased by Sharpteeth, we've never... killed any of them. Either we got away or they got hurt and gave up. I don't understand howó” He stopped short when he saw what was happening to the last Fast-Biter that was killed.
The Fast-Biter gradually faded away, revealing that it was a disguise of whose body it really was. It only took a second for the true identity to be revealed. The gang gasped in shock at what they saw.
“Matoro?” said Ruby quietly. The gang looked back and saw the other two nearby Fast-Biters were now Hewkii and Nuparu. They then looked down the stairs and saw the rest of the Toa Inika, all of whom were now dead.
“That even more bad-worse than Fast-Biters,” said Petrie in shock, summing up what everyone was now feeling. It was bad enough thinking that they had killed just a few random Fast-Biters, but it was even worse to see that they had been tricked into killing their own friends. They were too saddened to question how it had happened. It wasn't long until they were all sobbing at this tragic loss by their own hands.
As Chomper sobbed, he was unintentionally sniffing the air. After as few sniffs, his eyes snapped open in surprise. He realized something wasn't right. He walked up to Matoro's body and sniffed it heavily.
When Littlefoot noticed Chomper, he was perplexed by what he saw. “What is it, Chomper?” he asked. This brought everyone's attention to the little Sharptooth.
Chomper took a bit whiff of the body. Then he said in surprise, “Nothing.”
“What do you mean, ëNothing!?’” asked Cera, misinterpreting what Chomper had said. “We just killed the Toa, and you think it's nothing!?”
“No, I mean I smell nothing,” corrected Chomper.
Spike grunted as if to say “Huh?” Everyone was no longer saddened, but now confused.
“If this is a real body,” continued Chomper, “then my sniffer should be telling me what it is. This is not a Toa, not a Fast-Biter, not even a Piraka! I smell nothing but normal air!”
“But if the Toa are not here, then where are the Toa?” asked Ruby.
Chomper walked around on the steps as he sniffed the air some more. He finally said, “I think they just kept going down the stairs. Follow me.”
The gang followed Chomper as he led them down the stairway, past the “bodies” of Jaller, Hahli, and Kongu. After going down a few more steps, Chomper sniffed the air again.
“They did keep going!” exclaimed Chomper. Everyone was relieved that the Toa Inika had continued going down the stairs and thus were still alive, but were still confused by something.
“If the Toa kept going down these steps, then whoó?” asked Ruby, but stopped short when she and her friends turned back to see what was up the stairs. All six bodies had now vanished without a trace.
“They are gone!” gasped Ducky.
The gang stood in silence, trying to process just what was going on. Once again, it was Littlefoot who broke the silence. “I think Chomper is right,” he said. “The Toa did keep going. As for what we fought and... killed, they really were nothing. We only thought they were real ó I think they're called illusions or something like that.”
“All of that fear, all of that sadness, all of that confusion, just to find out that it was all nothing,” said Ruby quietly.
“This place is playing tricks on us again!” exclaimed Cera. She then turned to the darkness further down the stairway and shouted, “Nice try, but you're not fooling us again!”
“Come on, let's keep going,” said Littlefoot as he continued to lead his friends down the stairway. “And next time we run into something, let's try to be more careful. Those Fast-Biters may not have been real, but we must not walk away from this without learning why we shouldn't get carried away in a fight.”
Littlefoot's words echoed in the minds of his friends. For most of their lives, they only knew how to run away from danger, not fight it. Although no one got hurt in that fight, it served as a powerful reminder to the young dinosaurs of what could happen whenever they would have to fight an enemy.
________
After walking further down the stairway, the gang entered a small chamber that was barely lit by dark red lightstones. Understandably, this place gave everyone the creeps as they stepped inside.
“This place spooky,” said Petrie nervously.
“Welcome, travelers,” a voice boomed from every side of the chamber, causing the young dinosaurs to stop in their tracks. Petrie panicked and quickly hid behind Cera's neckshield. “You seek the Chamber of Life... but first you must pass through the Chamber of Death, for truly both are intertwined.”
“Who are you?” asked Littlefoot.
The voice continued as if nobody had spoken up. “For millennia beyond count, the Mask of Life has been hidden in this place, waiting for destiny's call. It is a Kanohi both wonderful and terrible in its might. And the price to wield its power of life... is death.”
“The way that voice is talking to us gives me a bad feeling about what we have to do next,” said Ruby in worry.
“Seven of you stand ready,” continued the voice. “If you wish to pass through this chamber, one of you must die. Decide ó now.”
The gang gasped at hearing this. They had never seriously thought about the idea of dying. After all, they were still very young. None of them were ready to die just yet.
“There has to be another way!” exclaimed Littlefoot.
“Seven of you stand ready,” repeated the voice. “If you wish to pass through this chamber, one of you must die. Decide ó now.”
“No way,” declared Cera. “We've already run into two things that turned out to be fake. This has got to be another one of them! Let's just keep going.” She then proceeded to leave the chamber through the exit on the other side. However, once she got to the exit, she suddenly felt like she had run into a wall. Confused, she tried again to walk through the exit, but was blocked again. Undeterred, she ran back a bit and then charged towards the exit. Once again, she slammed into the invisible barrier and failed to make it through.
“I don't think that voice wants us to go that way until we do what that voice wants us to do,” said Ruby in concern.
“Let's try going back,” suggested Littlefoot. “I'm sure we can find another way.”
The gang turned back to the entrance of the chamber just in time to see a massive stone slab come down and block the entrance, cutting off the only other exit.
“Oh come on!” snapped Cera. This time, she chose not to try her luck breaking through that barrier.
The voice spoke again. “Two choices have you ó renounce your pursuit of the Mask of Life, and you may leave as you came, never to return. Or choose one of your number to die, so that the rest may pass. There are no other pathways open to your tread.”
The young dinosaurs looked at one another, lost on which option to take. Was simply following the Toa Inika really worth letting one of their closest friends die?
Then again, if the Toa did come this way, then they had to make this choice, too, thought Littlefoot. We didn't see them come back, which means they did pass through here... and let one of their own die. If they were willing to make such a sacrifice, can we do no less?
For a second, Littlefoot considered choosing himself to be the one to die, but hesitated to make the commitment. He understood why it had to be done, but wasn't sure if he was the right choice. After all, he was considered the leader of his group. He was the one who always kept his friends together, no matter what. What would happen to them if he was suddenly gone forever? His thoughts were cut off when someone else spoke up.
“I'll do it,” said Chomper as he stepped forward. “If one of us has to die... it should be me.”
Ruby gasped, fully aware of her responsibility to take care of Chomper. “Chomper! No!” exclaimed Ruby. “I won't let you do this!”
Cera looked up at the chamber ceiling and said to the mysterious voice, “Whoever you are, we did not agree to this!”
“Yeah, Chomper is one of our best friends!” agreed Littlefoot, also talking to the voice.
“Guys!” shouted Chomper, bringing everyone's attention back to him. He then held his arms out as if to show his friends who he was. “Look at me! I'm a Sharptooth! We may be friends now, but it won't last forever. We're all going to grow up some day, and when that happens to me... I will have to eat other dinosaurs, just to stay alive every day! I would much rather say goodbye to you forever by doing this than to grow up.”
“Chomper, you don't have toó” began Ruby, but was cut off by the booming voice.
“The choice has been made,” said the voice. “The price will be paid.”
Before anyone could react, a beam of light shone down on Chomper. It took less than a second for his body to vaporize, leaving nothing but the empty beam of light.
The rest of the gang stood in silence. It took them a while to realize what had just happened. Chomper, one of their closest friends since the day he hatched, had simply ceased to exist. Once it finally hit them that Chomper was gone, all of them were so saddened by the loss of their close friend that tears quickly formed in their eyes. Ruby was so overcome with emotion that she fell to her knees and held her face in her hands as she sobbed.
I can't believe he just did that, thought Littlefoot in shock. He let himself die for us... just because of what he was. I never thought he would ever do something like this. But then... could any of us have done what Chomper just did?
Soon after Chomper had disappeared, something amazing began to happen within the beam of light. At first, it seemed like nothing more than some dust beginning to swirl around. As the dust began to spin faster and faster, a definite shape was starting to form. The young dinosaurs stopped grieving and began to watch in awe at what was happening. As more and more of the dust gathered with the beam of light, the shape turned out to be Chomper's body. Eventually, all of the flying dust had gathered to fully recreate Chomper, without any damage to his body.
Chomper looked around in confusion as the beam of light faded away.
“It is done,” said the voice. “This one has died and been reborn, and so the price is paid... the debt is settled. For it is not the cold fact of death that matters, but the willingness to die for one's cause. This one had the courage to accept destruction so that his comrades could live, so final death will not be his this day. You are free to pass on.”
Ruby immediately rushed over to hug Chomper as she cried in happiness. “Oh, Chomper! I am so glad that you are alive and not dead!”
Ducky looked back at the entrance to the chamber and pointed out what she saw. “Look!” she happily exclaimed. “The rock is gone! It is, it is!”
Realizing what that meant, Littlefoot headed for the exit on the other side of the chamber. He stopped at the exit, then stepped right through like there was nothing in his way. He then turned back to his friends. Without a word, they continued their trek down the underground stairway.
“See? I told you it was another fake,” gloated Cera.
Littlefoot simply rolled his eyes at this.
________
After many more minutes of walking down the stairway, the gang entered another chamber. Unlike the rest of the stairway, there was obvious evidence that something had happened here very recently. Specifically, every surface of the chamber was coated in smooth, mirror-like ice.
“What happen here?” asked Petrie.
“I think we can blame that guy,” replied Cera, gesturing towards the large, yellow-armored figure who lay motionless on the floor near the exit on the far side of the chamber.
“I think that's another guardian,” said Littlefoot. “The Toa must have just defeated him so they could keep going, which might also explain all of this ice in here.”
“I wish I could have been here to see how Matoro and the others defeated that guardian,” said Ruby to herself, knowing that the presence of so much ice meant that Matoro must have played a major role in that battle.
“Quick, let's sneak by him before he wakes up,” Cera quickly said. Everyone nodded in agreement and headed for the exit, being careful to not get too close to the unconscious guardian.
After walking down just a few more steps, the gang finally left the narrow stairway and arrived at a vast volcanic plain. A wide river of lava flowed through the middle of the plain. The only features that stood out were what appeared to be two piles of rubble, one on each side of the lava river. There also appeared to be some kind of gateway near the rubble pile on the far side of the lava river.
“I think that's where the Mask of Life is,” said Littlefoot. “Within that opening on the other side of the lava.”
“But how do we get there?” asked Ducky, looking at the lava with uncertainty.
“I think there used to be a way across, but it looks like the only way across is now destroyed,” replied Ruby, pointing at the rubble pile on their side of the lava river.
“We'd better check it out,” said Littlefoot as he began to lead his friends to that pile of debris.
Once they got down to the rubble, they noticed that there was dust still in the air, meaning that whatever had once stood here had collapsed only moments ago.
“I wonder what happened here,” said Chomper.
Just seconds later, the gang heard some of the debris starting to shift. They turned to see a head poke out from underneath the rubble and saw that it was Toa Hewkii.
The Toa of Stone turned to his right and was surprised when he saw the gang. “Did you follow us again?” he asked irritably.
One by one, the rest of the Toa Inika emerged from underneath the rubble pile. Like Hewkii, they were all shocked and disappointed to see that the young dinosaurs had followed them into a dangerous place again.
The last to emerge was Toa Kongu. When he saw the gang, he grumbled, “About time you showed up.”
The other Toa quickly turned to Kongu. “You knew they were coming?” asked Hahli.
The Toa of Air sighed and tapped the side of his mask, reminding everyone of his ability to hear thoughts.
“Why didn't you do anything to stop them?” asked Nuparu.
“What was the point?” responded Kongu. “They would never listen to us, and I'm sure none of us are as dead-threatening as a Piraka. Besides, Littlefoot was right. There was no time to fight-argue. We had to quick-race the Piraka to the Mask of Life... and we lost.” Kongu lowered his head as he said that last part.
Hahli sat down on the ground and gripped her head with both of her hands. Due to how close they were to the Mask of Life, her mask power was giving her a very painful headache.
“Is that what happened here?” asked Littlefoot. “Did you fight the Piraka here and lose?”
“Not only that, but we also contributed to our defeat,” replied Nuparu. “The Piraka had set up an ambush on the bridge that used to stand here. I managed to shake them off with an earthquake, but it also weakened the bridge. As a result, when Kongu summoned a cyclone, the structure couldn't handle the strong winds and collapsed on top of us.”
“So I guess that means the Piraka got to the mask first,” said Littlefoot as he and his friends lowered their heads at this defeat.
After a few seconds of silence, Hewkii stood up and said, “You know, I'm getting really tired of losing to those guys... even when it's our own fault.”
“It is our own fault,” said Jaller as he also stood up. “We keep fighting like Matoran, trying to be honorable and merciful the way the Turaga and the Toa Nuva taught us.”
“Against the Piraka, we might as well be wearing signs that say, ëStomp us.’” muttered Kongu.
“Then let's tear the signs off,” said Matoro. “I agree with Hewkii. I'm sick of winding up flat on my mask.”
“The Piraka may have the mask now, but they won't have it for much longer,” said Ruby with confidence.
“Yeah, but there's only one problem we've got,” said Cera, looking across the river of lava. “How are we supposed to get there if the bridge is gone?”
“Simple, I'll make a new one,” replied Hewkii. He focused his elemental power for a second, then he raised his axe, bringing forth a long slab of stone that erupted from the ground. Then he pointed his weapon at the far side of the lava river, making the massive stone slab arch over and slam its free end into the riverbank. The crude but strong bridge had taken only seconds to complete.
Kongu chuckled and said, “Who needs bridges when you've got a stone Toa-hero?”
“What about them?” asked Nuparu, gesturing towards the group of young dinosaurs.
Jaller thought about it for a moment, then said, “We'll let them come with us. If they faced the same challenges we did just to make it this far, I don't see a reason why we should stop them.”
“Don't worry, Jaller,” assured Littlefoot. “We'll try to stay out of the way while you fight the Piraka, and if you need any help, we'll be right behind you.”
“Let's go,” said Jaller, pointing his sword towards the gate. “And when we find them, we fight hard and we fight dirty. The Piraka have a long history of beating Toa. Well, it stops with us!”
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Read and review, as always. An epic battle will take place in the next chapter, and you'll get to meet someone who is a favorite among many Bionicle fans.
For any of you who are wondering, here is what that last guardian looks like:
Umbra (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/2/2f/Umbra_Set.PNG)
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I really like what you did for this chapter. Having an almost entirely gang-focused part kept and held my interest throughout the whole thing. Good Work.
Having not read this story before in the original version, I was genuinely happy with how the 'challenges' were structured though the manner of death for the three illusionary fast-biters did seem a little bit off (unless the ward was intended to shoo away outsiders and then destroy itself).
Keep up the great chapters, as I am seeing notable improvements with each one that you publish. :angel
Now that Pangaea's back he should be checking in soon as well.
Caustizer.
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Really great job with this chapter. I also enjoyed where you're going with this. It's really great.
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Normally, I would wait until after I've made corrections to the latest chapter before I post the next one. However, I think three weeks is long enough to wait for such an epic chapter as this one. Everyone, it's time for you to meet one of my favorite Bionicle characters: Vezon.
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Chapter 19
The Chamber of Life
“Ready?” asked Nuparu, his laser drill aimed at the locked gate.
“As ever-ready as can be,” replied Kongu, tightening his grip on his laser crossbow.
“Ready for anything,” said Cera, speaking for her friends.
“All right, let's crash the Piraka's party!” exclaimed Hewkii, before swinging his laser axe against the massive gate. That, combined with his elemental power weakening the surrounding rock, was enough to loosen its hinges.
All it took was one shot from Nuparu's weapon to blast the gate open.
Once the gateway was wide open, the Toa Inika charged inside. The young dinosaurs followed right behind them. However, they had gone only a few steps before they all suddenly came to a stop. Beyond the gateway was a large chamber that was almost entirely surrounded by lava channels, but that's not what made the group stop in their tracks.
Everyone had been expecting the Piraka to have set up another ambush. Instead, all six Piraka lay scatted about the chamber, unconscious. There was also something else inside the chamber. Standing at the other side of the chamber was a giant spider-like Rahi with red and black armor, red eyes and massive fangs. Riding atop this monstrous beast was what appeared to be another Piraka. Unlike the six other Piraka, this black and silver armored Piraka had no spine or spikes, and wore a torn black cape. In his right hand, he held a weapon that appeared to be a spear. He was also bound by a chain around his left wrist to the creature's neck.
The mysterious Piraka seemed excited when he noticed the group of Toa that had just entered his lair. “How wonderful, more company!” he exclaimed. “The Piraka were amusing guests, but they break so easily. Are you made of sterner stuff? Of course you are. You're Toa, even with those very strange masks.”
“Who are you?” demanded Jaller. “And how do you know who we are?”
“I am Vezon, of course, and I know the same way I know everything ó the mask tells me,” replied the strange Piraka, turning his head around so that everyone could see the back of it. Fused to the back of Vezon's skull was what appeared to be a Kanohi mask. Some of the Toa and young dinosaurs also caught a glimpse of an empty pedestal at the far end of the chamber. Without a word, all of them had reached the same conclusion: The Kanohi mask that was fused to Vezon was the Mask of Life itself!
“Oh, not directly,” continued Vezon, “but when I bring my attention to it, my eyes begin to act strangely. You see?”
Twin beams of red light suddenly shot from Vezon's eyes to the floor in front of the group. In the gleam of those beams, the group saw the Toa Inika struggling in a fight against the large Rahi while the young dinosaurs watched helplessly from further back.
“Future sight,” continued the seventh Piraka. “I can see things ó most things ó before they happen. Not quite as much fun as making things explode with a glance, but hey, I take what I can get. They call it the Mask of Life, but it might as well be a Mask of Death. Ask anyone who has tried to get their hands on it.” Vezon then turned his attention to the creature he stood atop of. “In a few moments, we'll have even more for the lava, won't we, Fenrakk?”
The giant spider Rahi, Fenrakk, hissed in response, dripping some of its acidic saliva onto the floor. The rock sizzled as it was covered in the acid.
Vezon turned his gaze from the Toa to the gang and smiled. “And what do we have here? An audience!” he happily exclaimed. “Go ahead, kids, have a seat, grab a snack, enjoy the show. You're going to love it, trust me.”
“Something tells me that won't be the case,” muttered Littlefoot in concern.
Toa Hewkii had had enough and was ready to fight. He grabbed a nearby stalagmite and snapped it off of the floor. He then pointed the blunt end ahead of him and threw it at the wall behind him. Thanks to the Toa of Stone's mask power, the projectile deflected off the walls two times before it headed for Vezon's head. Vezon saw the incoming object at the last second and moved just enough so that it hit his shoulder. Surprisingly, he had almost no reaction to the impact.
“Like to throw things, hmmm?” said Vezon quietly. He quickly yanked on the chain and Fenrakk slammed one of its forelegs onto the ground, sending large chunks of stone flying up into the air. Vezon caught one that was about as wide as his torso and threw it at Hewkii. The Toa of Stone easily dodged it.
Toa Matoro made the next attack by hurling icicles at Vezon. Vezon made no effort to dodge. When he was struck, he actually seemed unfazed by the attack.
Nuparu summoned a giant earthen fist and slammed it into Vezon. The Piraka took the full force of the impact almost willingly. When the dust eventually cleared, he was seen to be still standing atop Fenrakk. Amazingly, he didn't seem to be hurt at all.
Jaller made the next move and fired a jet of flame from his sword to the ceiling of the chamber, causing large chunks of rock to rain down upon the Piraka. Vezon effortlessly smacked away any rocks that came near him. Still, his armor showed no signs of damage.
Hahli and Kongu nodded to each other and simultaneously struck Vezon with their elemental powers. Hahli unleashed a torrent of water, while Kongu sent forth a mighty gust of wind. It was hard to see what was happening until the two Toa ceased their attacks. Vezon still stood upright and unharmed. The huge grin on his face was enough to show how amused he was, rather than injured.
After a light chuckle, Vezon asked, “All done? It's my turn.” He yanked on the chain again and Fenrakk charged forward at an incredible speed. The Piraka also showed off incredible strength by striking Toa Jaller with the flat side of his spear with enough force to send the Toa of Fire flying across the chamber.
Nuparu acted quickly with his mask power and caught Jaller before he would have slammed into the rocky wall.
Toa Hewkii tried to strike Fenrakk from behind, but one kick from the giant Rahi was enough to fling him across the chamber and almost into the lava.
The gang could only watch in horror as the Toa Inika struggled in battle. It was hard to tell what was happening, but they did notice that the more the Toa tried to strike Vezon and Fenrakk, the stronger those two seemed to strike back. They certainly wanted to help, but had no idea what to do. How could they succeed where the Toa failed?
All six of the Toa were soon weakened to the point where they were down on the ground, but still conscious. Vezon yanked on the chain again and brought Fenrakk to a halt. “Poor Toa,” said Vezon in mocked pity. “Relying so much on your strength and your weapons and your elemental powers, and not any one of them will do you any good here. Watch.” Vezon grabbed a nearby rock and slammed it against Fenrakk as hard as he could. He then repeated the process two more times. Fenrakk showed almost no signs of being affected by the attack. Vezon smiled and continued, “The power of motion. Any blow is only as strong as the motion that delivers it, and I feed on the energy that fuels that motion. When you strike me, when I strike you, I get stronger. Oh, and I shared my power with Fenrakk here, of course. It's only polite.”
“Of course! Now it makes sense!” exclaimed Littlefoot in realization. “If hitting him only makes him stronger, then we need to find some way to stop him without touching him.”
Littlefoot's friends immediately realized how impossible this idea seemed to be. “But how are we going to do that?” asked Chomper.
When Vezon caught a glimpse of Chomper ó and his sharp teeth ó he got a sinister idea. “Hey, little purple guy!” he shouted, immediately getting Chomper's attention. Vezon then calmly asked, “What do they call your species?”
Chomper hesitated for a moment. Considering that he was suddenly the focus of Vezon's attention, it was easy to understand why. “I'm... I'm a Sharptooth,” he replied nervously.
“A Sharptooth, hmm?” thought Vezon aloud with excitement. “That sounds like a very deadly creature.”
“But I would never hurt anyone!” Chomper quickly added. “I'm a nice Sharptooth, maybe even the nicest one in the world!”
“Oh yeah?” countered Vezon, pointing his spear at Chomper. “Well, I see another Sharptooth in this chamber. And he's a mean one!”
“Where!?” asked Chomper, looking around in panic.
“Right here!” answered Vezon as some strange energy crackled around the head of the spear. A bolt of energy suddenly shot from the tip of the spear towards Chomper.
Chomper was paralyzed in fear, so he could do nothing as he watched the strange energy head right for him. When he was struck, it was unlike anything he had ever experienced. It felt like his body was literally being ripped apart. It was all over in a split second. Chomper fell to his hands and knees. He felt exhausted and in great pain. He took a moment to catch his breath.
“Get up, weakling!” someone suddenly shouted.
Chomper turned to see who had said that, but was thrown to his back by a sharp kick to his side. He groaned in pain as he tried again to see the stranger. As soon as he realized who it was, Chomper gasped in shock.
Standing over Chomper was another Chomper. However, the look on this Chomper's face was nothing short of pure evil.
“Come on, you can get up,” continued the other Chomper, showing no remorse at all as the first Chomper slowly stood up. “After all, you are me, and I am you. That sounds confusing, doesn't it? We can make it easier if there was just one of us. Maybe I should die ó no, no, I've got that wrong. Maybe you should die!” And with that, the other Chomper raised a clawed hand and scratched the first Chomper across his muzzle. The first Chomper shouted in pain.
The rest of the gang gasped at what they just saw. Ruby turned to Vezon and exclaimed, “What did you do!?”
Vezon proudly held up his spear and answered, “It's called the Spear of Fusion. This is not any ordinary spear, oh no. It does more than stab people. I can use it to fuse two beings into one ó which is how I ëconvinced’ Vezok and Reidak to attack the other Piraka ó or I can use it to split one being into two. How can it split someone in two, you ask? Well, what you see is two bodies, but it's still just one mind. What happens is that mind gets split in half and put in separate bodies. One is all kind and caring, while the other...” The other Chomper violently scratched the first Chomper again. “... is a vicious psycho!” After a brief evil laugh, Vezon finished by excitedly saying, “Isn't it fun to see what happens when you split somebody into two beings and have them fight each other?”
Cera was downright disgusted. “You're insane!” she exclaimed.
“Why thank you,” said Vezon as if he had just received a complement.
Cera's jaw dropped at the further craziness she was witnessing. “Okay, he's beyond insane,” she quickly muttered to herself.
While Vezon was distracted, the Toa were able to recover a little from their defeat. Jaller, still in pain, slowly stood up and exclaimed, “We... didn't come all this way... fight all of these fights... only to lose!”
Vezon just grinned and said, “Don't be silly. Of course you did. Do you know how many have tried to get their hands on this mask over the millennia? And do you know what happened to them? I'll give you a hint: the lucky ones only went mad.”
By this time, the rest of the Toa Inika were back on their feet, albeit still weakened. “If the mask is so terribly dangerous, why did the Piraka want it so badly?” asked Hahli.
“Because they're fools!” exclaimed Vezon.
“Yet they thought they could get it,” said Matoro. “Or... someone thought they could.”
“Smart, smart, smart,” said Vezon happily. “Isn't he just as bright as a new Kanohi mask, Fenrakk? It will almost be a shame to shatter him into ice crystals, won't it?”
“So somebody put them up to this?” asked Nuparu. “Who? Why?”
“No way to guess who did it, but I think I know why,” answered Jaller. “You risk death a hundred times trying to make it to the Mask of Life, and evidently you risk worse by actually getting it. The Piraka were expendable. If they died trying to carry out their mission, it would be no great loss, and whoever gave them the idea to do this could just try again with someone else.”
“Not if we get the mask,” said Hewkii as he raised his laser axe, ready to fight again. “So let's swat the spider and take it!”
“Haven't you learned you can't defeat me?” laughed Vezon. “All you can do is amuse me.”
“Then loud-laugh this off, you lunatic,” said Kongu as he summoned a cyclone around Vezon and Fenrakk. Its wind speeds were great enough to suck the air out of their lungs, considerably weakening them. He couldn't keep it up for very long, but it was enough to do the job. The Toa of Air then turned to Hahli and said, “Your turn, Hahli.”
The Toa of Water nodded and called upon her elemental power to remove all of the moisture in the air near the Piraka and his pet.
As if being dehydrated and short of breath wasn't bad enough for Vezon and Fenrakk, Toa Matoro decided to make things even worse for them by quickly dropping the temperature around them. The freezing cold weakened them so much that they could now barely stand.
“Give it up, Vezon,” said Jaller. “You heard what Littlefoot said. We don't have to hit you to hurt you.”
Vezon simply shook his head in response. Fenrakk began to pound its right foreleg on the stone floor, slowly at first. It seemed unimportant, until the pace of the Rahi's pounding began to speed up.
“The impact!” exclaimed Jaller in realization. “Fenrakk is using the energy behind its blows to the floor to restore its strength!”
As soon as those words were spoken, Fenrakk was already back to full strength and charged ahead at the Toa. Hahli and Matoro were caught off guard when they were struck by one of the Rahi's legs and slammed into a nearby wall. Fenrakk went for Kongu next, but Nuparu activated his mask power, grabbed Kongu, and carried him just far enough to evade the attack.
While the battle was happening, the gang was watching another one in horror. In fact, the fight between the two Chompers seemed more like a one-sided pummeling. The evil Chomper was doing all of the kicking and scratching. The nicer Chomper, who was now covered in deep cuts and scratches, made no attempt to fight back at all. It wasn't that he didn't want to fight, but rather he just couldn't! Being attacked like this for seemingly no reason at all would usually be enough to make him want to fight back, but for some reason, the urge just wasn't there. The nicer Chomper didn't ó no, he couldn't ó feel any anger at all, just hurt and confusion at what was happening.
Ruby couldn't take it anymore. “We can't just stand here and do nothing!” she exclaimed. “We have to turn the two Chompers back into one Chomper!”
“How do you expect us to do that?” asked Cera skeptically.
“I'm afraid there's only one way,” answered Littlefoot. “That weapon Vezon has can both split and fuse. If we use it again on those Chompers, it will turn him back into just one Chomper.”
“Are you sure that will work?” asked Cera, just as doubtful of this idea. “How can you be sure we won't end up making more of them?”
“That would be very bad. It would, it would,” added Ducky.
Spike nodded in agreement.
“We don't know how to use that weapon, but Vezon knows how to use that weapon,” replied Ruby.
“Sure, like he's going to suddenly be a nice guy and undo what he did,” said Cera with sarcasm. “Didn't you see how funny he thought it was to split Chomper?”
“Then we'll just have to trick him into fusing the two Chompers back together,” responded Ruby. Her expression brightened as she got an idea. “And I know how we can trick him to fuse the two Chompers back together! I'll need you.” She then grabbed Cera by her neckshield and pulled her along with her.
“Ow! Hey!” protested Cera.
Once she made sure that she was directly between Vezon and the fighting Chompers, Ruby wrapped her arm around Cera's neck and shouted, “Hey, Vezon!”
Fenrakk was about to stomp Hewkii into the ground when Vezon reined the giant spider to a halt. Vezon turned his attention to the pink Fast Runner.
“We've seen you split one of us in two, but we haven't seen you fuse two of us into one.” continued Ruby. “Well, I'm very fast, and my friend here is very strong. If you want to fuse anyone, you'll want to fuse us!”
Cera turned to Ruby in shock at what she just heard. “Have you lost your mind!?” exclaimed Cera.
“Don't worry, I know what I'm doing,” whispered Ruby.
Vezon though it over for a few seconds, then grinned the way only a being with no sanity like him would. “Hmm, now that sounds like a great idea!” exclaimed Vezon excitedly. He quickly pointed the Spear of Fusion at the two and fired another energy bolt.
As soon as the energy bolt was shot, Ruby pushed against Cera and shouted, “Run!”
Cera, realizing it was time to stop asking questions, did as she was told.
The energy bolt passed between the Threehorn and the Fast Runner and instead struck the two fighting Sharpteeth. After another flash of light, only one unscathed Chomper remained. Like last time, he was down on his hands and knees and was breathing heavily. This time, he recovered quickly and slowly stood back up. It soon became clear that his heavy breathing was not due to exhaustion, but intense anger. Chomper glared at Vezon and growled, “Okay... now I'm mad.”
Vezon was speechless for a moment as he tried to comprehend what had just happened. Finally, he simply smiled and said, “Oh, you guys are good.”
Realizing the opportunity presented by Vezon's distraction, Jaller decided to take action. He aimed his flame sword towards Vezon and began to concentrate his elemental energy into it.
Vezon quickly noticed the Toa's glowing weapon. He turned to the Toa Inika of Fire and shouted, “Go ahead! Sizzle me, shock me, you'll only make me stronger!”
Jaller smirked in response and said, “Who said I was aiming at you?” The Toa of Fire unleashed a blast of flame with lightning from his sword, which struck the floor beneath Fenrakk and caused the stone to turn molten. The massive creature was startled by this and backed up a bit. This wouldn't have seemed like such a bad thing if one of the lava channels didn't happen to be right behind Fenrakk. The Rahi lost its balance as its back legs slipped on the ledge.
Vezon looked back at the lava, then back to the Toa. Everyone had expected him to be terrified of this. Surprisingly, he grinned as he yanked on the chain, causing him and Fenrakk to topple backwards into the lava. They never even made a sound as they disappeared beneath the fiery waves.
Everyone gasped in shock at what they had just witnessed. Only Littlefoot dared to run over to the ledge to see where the Piraka had plunged. All he saw was nothing but sizzling lava. “He's... gone,” he slowly said in shock.
“Mata Nui preserve us,” said Nuparu quietly. “He... he did that to himself!”
“And he took the Mask of Life with him,” added Jaller. He then started walking towards the lava. “I have to go in there after it.”
“Jaller, no!” exclaimed Hahli as she tried to hold Jaller back. “You won't last more than ten seconds in that cauldron!”
Toa Jaller gently lowered Hahli's hand on him and said, “That's ten seconds longer than any of the rest of you would. With my natural resistance to heat and flame, maybe I can buy enough time to retrieve the mask and toss it to you. After that...” He turned to the Toa of Stone. “Take over as leader, Hewkii. Keep the team together and get the Mask of Life to wherever it has to go.”
The other Toa stared at Jaller as he turned around and walked up to the ledge where Littlefoot stood. Nobody said a word as the Toa of Fire prepared to sacrifice himself to retrieve the Mask of Life. Having spent much of his life in Ta-Koro, he was more than familiar with lava, especially what would happen to anyone unfortunate enough to fall in. He never forgot the sight of a helpless Rahi after it had stumbled into the lava near his village. He hesitated for a second when he glanced over at the young Longneck standing next to him. The poor kid shouldn't have to see this, he thought grimly.
“Wait!” Littlefoot suddenly shouted. “Look!”
Jaller followed Littlefoot's gaze towards that lava and couldn't believe what he saw. Floating on the surface of the lava was the Mask of Life!
“Quick! Grab it!” exclaimed Littlefoot.
Jaller quickly shrugged off the shock of what he was seeing and reached for the Mask of Life. His hand was about to touch the mask when it suddenly flipped over to reveal that it was still attached to Vezon's head. “Surprise!” shouted the very much alive Piraka.
Jaller and Littlefoot jumped back in shock. While everyone else couldn't see it for themselves, the all too familiar voice was enough to make their eyes widen.
“Don't tell me...” muttered Cera.
Everyone watched in horror as Vezon began to rise up out of the lava. The molten rock seemed to have had no effect on him whatsoever. Soon, the creature he rode atop also began to emerge, but it was not Fenrakk. It was something much more terrifying. The giant creature resembled a big Sharptooth with large wings on its back.
“Oh no, no, no!” exclaimed Ducky in fear.
“Oh yes, yes, yes!” retorted Vezon excitedly. The massive creature then swiped one of its clawed hands at Jaller, sending the Toa flying across the chamber. Jaller was knocked unconscious when he impacted the wall.
Littlefoot quickly ran back to his friends, fearing that he would be next.
Vezon looked around the chamber at everyone and asked, “Why so startled? Did you think that I had left you for good?”
When the giant Rahi opened its mouth, a powerful blast of energy was unleashed against the Toa, throwing them all to the ground. Littlefoot and his friends panicked and ran behind a nearby rock for cover. The powerful creature stepped towards the center of the chamber as the Toa, minus a still unconscious Jaller, slowly stood back up.
“Who is this, you wonder?” continued Vezon. “Where is Fenrakk? Well, my friends, this is Fenrakk... in a way. It is all part of the mask's curse. Defeat us however many times you like, and we will always come back more powerful than before. Should you drive my new friend here ó who I have named Kardas, by the way ó down to certain destruction, it will simply rise again in some worse form, and I will be right there with it.”
Vezon's bragging was interrupted when Kongu fired an energy bolt from his crossbow. Unlike Fenrakk, Kardas did react in pain to the physical attack. The beast responded by unleashing another blast of energy at the Toa of Air. Kongu was unable to dodge it quickly enough and ended up getting thrown into the stone wall so hard that he smashed right through it and into another chamber.
“Good Kardas,” cooed Vezon as he patted the Rahi on the back of the neck. “Nice devastating monster. Are you my favorite engine of destruction? Yes, you are.” He turned his attention back to the four remaining Toa. “Energy. Kardas produces it nonstop, so it's either release it by blasting you, or else go boom himself. Which do you think we would choose?”
“Me no like this,” muttered Petrie in worry.
Hahli fired a bolt from her energy harpoon, then followed it with a powerful blast of water with lightning. “And you're known for your good choices, aren't you?” taunted Hahli. “That's how you wound up a master of monsters!”
After being struck by both attacks, Kardas retaliated with another energy blast. Hahli was barely able to dodge the attack, which blew a large hole in the wall behind her.
“Now see what you're making him do!?” shouted Vezon. “I have to live here, you know!”
As Kardas began to charge forward, Matoro covered the stone floor in ice. The Rahi slid forward uncontrollably until it was slammed backwards by a powerful stone fist that was summoned by Hewkii. The Toa of Stone smiled and said, “Nice to have something to hit again.”
Toa Nuparu activated his mask power and began to fly around Kardas as it stood back up. He attempted to drive the Rahi back by blasting the surrounding ground with energy bolts from his laser drill. Instead, Kardas unleashed another energy blast at the Toa of Earth. Nuparu fell, but was caught by Hewkii before he would have impacted the ground.
“We all have to strike at once,” said Toa Hewkii. Jaller and Kongu were still unconscious, so only four of the Toa Inika would be able to unleash their final attack. The four Toa reached their weapons out and, as one, fired their pure elemental energy at Kardas. The massive creature roared and fired another blast of energy of its own. The two attacks came together in the middle, pushing against each other to reach their target. The Toa's attack had the upper hand at first, but it was eventually outmatched by the Rahi's unlimited energy supply.
Straining against their opponent's attack, Hewkii shouted, “Get down!” None of the Toa were able to move fast enough as they were overwhelmed by the beast's energy blast. In only a split second, the four remaining Toa had fallen.
“That's better,” said Vezon with a smile on his face. “Now, I wonder what the Spear of Fusion could do with the four of you? Or maybe I should use it on each of you alone, and see if I can split the Matoran you used to be from the arrogant fools you are now?”
Jaller had recovered just in time to see the outcome of the final attack and realized the danger his fellow Toa were now in. He glanced a little to the left and saw the gang still hiding behind that rock they had run to for cover. The young dinosaurs had been forgotten in the heat of the battle, and he decided it was time to change that.
Littlefoot, desperate to find a way to save the fallen Toa Inika, looked around and saw Toa Jaller as he took out the Zamor sphere that Axonn had given to him back at the stronghold. Jaller gave a quick nod to him. Littlefoot, understanding what the Toa of Fire was planning, nodded back in response. He then jumped out from behind the rock and, ignoring the protesting of his friends, ran to the center of the chamber as he called, “Hey, Vezon.”
Vezon lowered his spear and turned his attention to the little Longneck.
Littlefoot struggled to come up with something to say without sounding too suspicious. “Uh... How did you get the Mask of Life?” he asked. “I'm sure you went through a lot of trouble to get it.”
“Not as much as you might think,” laughed Vezon. “Besides, if I told you, I'd have to kill you.”
“You can do that after you tell me everything,” responded Littlefoot. “But I have to warn you, I ask a lot of questions.”
“So do I, but who's complaining?” said Vezon with a shrug.
“I don't know whether to call him very brave or just stupid,” whispered Cera to the rest of the gang.
With the primary distraction set in place, Jaller glanced around and saw Kongu stumble back into the central chamber through the hole in the wall. “I have an idea,” he whispered to the Toa of Air.
“Good,” replied Kongu. “I hope it starts with, ëMata Nui is just taking it easy for a while and he'll feel better. Let's go home.’”
“I need you to use your mask in a way you haven't before,” continued Jaller. “I'm not sure, but I think there's more to the Mask of Life than we know. Remember what Umbra said? It created the Protodax to guard it. Kongu, it may be that mask is capable of some kind of thought!”
“So it's evidently one up on you,” said Kongu, expressing his doubts. “Masks don't think.”
“This one does,” insisted Jaller. “Maybe not like we do, but... Use your Mask of Telepathy. Try to read the mask's thoughts and then project them into Vezon's mind. If you can distract him for a few moments, I think I know how to end this.” Jaller held up the glowing yellow sphere to show what he was talking about.
Kongu would have continued to argue, but he realized how limited his options were when he glanced at Vezon. The Piraka had his spear aimed at the other Toa and was speaking to Littlefoot. Still convinced the idea had no chance of working, the Toa Inika of Air triggered his mask power and concentrated on the Mask of Life.
Meanwhile, Littlefoot had succeeded in keeping Vezon occupied while Jaller had explained his plan to Kongu. Vezon had agreed to not kill him until after he finished telling the story about his life. Littlefoot knew the deal would give Jaller and Kongu plenty of time to carry out their plan, since Vezon loved to boast about himself.
“It all began when the Piraka decided to abandon their lives as Dark Hunters and strike out on their own,” explained Vezon. “They had heard rumors that Makuta had been killed, and decided to raid his lair for anything valuable. All they found was this spear, which Hakann carelessly handled by firing it at Vezok, which is where I come in.”
“Wait, you mean... you used to be part of Vezok?” asked Littlefoot.
“Yup, just like what happened to your Sharptooth friend here,” answered Vezon. Chomper growled angrily in response to this. “Except I ran off with the Spear of Fusion before anyone could use it again. I made it to Voya Nui before the others and came to this chamber much earlier than they did. The funny thing about the Mask of Life is that it curses anyone who touches it. As you can see, it cursed me by fusing itself to my head, fusing me to the back of an enlarged Rahi ó you knew it as Fenrakk, of course ó and giving me all of my other powers. I've been down here ever since, serving the will of the mask as its final and most powerful guardian of all.”
“What about all of the guardians you faced on your way down here?” asked Littlefoot. “You should know as well as the rest of us how hard it must have been to get past them.”
“Guardians?” laughed Vezon. “What guardians? My path to the Mask of Life was wide open!” Vezon grinned as he thought about what that meant to him. “It's almost as if the mask wanted me to have it.”
Right after making that last remark, Vezon's face suddenly fell. Against all odds, Kongu had succeeded in projecting the thoughts of the Mask of Life into Vezon's mind. The insane Piraka now knew what the mask really thought of him, and it wasn't pleasant.
“No!” shouted Vezon in both anger and sorrow. “I did everything you asked! I beat the Piraka! I beat the Toa! No one is touching you! No one is taking you from this place! Ever! And I won't be gotten rid of after all this! I won't!”
Littlefoot ran back to his friends, fearing that Vezon's rage might end up being directed at him.
Vezon quickly turned to Toa Matoro, who was just starting to recover with the rest of the Toa Inika. “So it wants you, does it?” hissed Vezon as he aimed his spear at the Toa of Ice. “Let's see if it still does when I'm through with you. You can be the ultimate chamber guard, Toa, once you are fused forever with the lava that courses through this chamber.”
Jaller had finally managed to retrieve his launcher by the time Kongu had unleashed the second distraction. Having no more time to waste, he quickly loaded the special Zamor sphere, aimed it at Vezon, and fired. The sphere struck its target, causing a strange blue glow to surround Vezon and Kardas as both of them suddenly stopped in mid-motion. Without stopping to figure out what had just happened, Jaller rushed over to the other Toa as they struggled to get back up.
“I'm okay,” said Hahli as Jaller helped her back to her feet.
“What did you do to them?” asked Ducky as she and her friends walked out from behind the rock.
“Are they... dead?” asked Nuparu.
“No,” said Jaller as he looked upon the face of Vezon, frozen in time in intense anger. “Something much worse ó they're still alive.”
“We have to get the mask now, while we can,” said Hewkii as he began to approach Vezon.
“Let Matoro do it,” Kongu suddenly said. Everyone looked at him in confusion.
“Why?” asked Hewkii. “What difference does it make whoó?”
“Just... just let Matoro do it, okay?” insisted Kongu.
Hewkii just shrugged in response as Matoro moved behind Vezon. The Toa of Ice reached into the strange energy field and grabbed the Mask of Life with both hands. Expecting some form of resistance, Matoro pulled with all his might. Surprisingly, the mask came off so easily that he actually fell backwards as he yanked it free. The Toa of Ice quickly stood back up and proudly held up the Mask of Life. “I've got it! I've got it!” Matoro shouted victoriously.
“Excellent, and we have you.”
The Toa and the young dinosaurs turned back to see the six Piraka were back on their feet and ready to fight. I can't believe we forgot about them! thought Cera, mentally kicking herself for not noticing their absence earlier.
“You have defeated Vezon and his monster,” continued Zaktan. “In gratitude, we will destroy you as quickly and efficiently as possible and take the mask. No need to thank us ó that is just the type of beings we are.”
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Read and review, as always.
Here are the images of everything first seen in this chapter:
Vezon and Fenrakk (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/d/d7/Set_Vezon_and_Fenrakk.JPG)
Fenrakk (without Vezon) (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/0/08/Set_Rahi_Fenrakk.PNG)
Kardas Dragon (without Vezon) (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/7/70/Kardas.PNG)
The Mask of Life (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/7/76/IgnikaEdited.png)
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I feel terrible about taking so long to review. :bang I’m sorry; my life has just been insane lately and I’ve been either too busy or too exhausted to do much on the GOF. I’m also sorry that these reviews (mainly the second one) are somewhat shorter than usual; I’m having a really hard time getting my thoughts in order (and coming up with comments at all!) for some reason. :wacko
Chapter 18:
The fast biter battle was very well laid out; a good example of one of those easy-to-envision action scenes I commended you on in my review of your last story. I also must compliment you on your portrayal of the gang as feeling guilty after accidentally “killing” some of the fast biters; it felt like a realistic reaction for them.
I kinda would have expected the gang to be more surprised at the (apparent) presence of sharpteeth in the Matoran universe (though I suppose that was probably one of the things that tipped Cera off that it was a guardian test).
The “fast biters’” bodies becoming illusory images of the Toa’s bodies seemed rather strange to me (even if it was based on the official storyline), though I did like the way the gang discovered that they weren’t real (Once again, a keen sense of smell proves very useful to the gang in the Matoran universe).
The “sacrifice” test was another wonderfully done emotional scene. I’m glad you spent so much time on the gang’s reactions, hesitation, and consideration of who should be the one to die; it helps to convey how difficult the decision was for them. My favorite part, though, was Chomper’s volunteering to be the martyr; specifically, his reasoning for why it should be him. The way I see it, he demonstrated how much his friendship with the gang meant to him; that he would prefer to die young to help his friends than to reach an age where he would need to eat their kind to live. Such a bittersweet scene.
The one problem I had with that part is that not enough time or detail was spent on the scene of the gang grieving after thinking that Chomper was dead; basically it felt like Chomper was “resurrected” too soon for the supposed reality of his death to sink in and incite an emotional response from the reader. (Mind you, I’m referring to “time” as the amount of text dedicated to the scene, not the actual period of time from the characters’ perspective; I understand that the guardian would have no reason not to bring Chomper back immediately.)
By the way, I wonder how the Piraka got through that test, seeing as it required an act of selflessness; a trait that the Piraka are not known for.
The only error I caught in this chapter:
Petrie panicked and quickly his behind Cera's neckshield.
Should be “hid”.
Chapter 19:
I feel a little guilty that my review for this chapter is not especially positive. You borrowed A LOT of text to write it, and I was disappointed by the gang’s minor role in defeating Vezon, especially after everything they went through to catch up with Toa. I hate to say it, but I’m tired of seeing them so helpless in all the action scenes. Obviously they have the disadvantage of being small, young, fragile organic creatures, whereas their foes are typically large, protodermis-plated monsters with elemental energy weapons, so granted, their options for contributing to a battle scene are very limited. I’d just like to see them do something (preferably somethings) that makes the difference between success and failure for the Bionicle protagonists. Can non-biomechanical creatures use Zamor launchers? Maybe one of the gang could have fired the Zamor sphere that froze Vezon and Kardas. And even if their bodies are made of very hard armor, I would assume the Piraka and other enemies wouldn’t be immune to being knocked off balance from Cera or some other powerful member of the gang knocking their foot out from under them, or something.
Personally I find the theme of a character fighting an evil version of themselves to be a bit clichÈd, and I didn’t feel like that scene added much to the chapter besides giving the LBT characters some more things to do. I was also a little disappointed that Chomper never got to make use of the anger he felt towards Vezon once he was fused back together (though I’m not sure how much effect a sharptooth’s teeth would have on a Piraka; :p do they have any unarmored body parts?).
I will say that I found Vezon to be a rather entertaining character. His fawning over Kardas after he blasts Kongu, his complaint that the Toa were making him destroy his own home, and his response to Ducky’s “no, no, no!”, I found especially amusing. :lol And I thought that your version of the reveal that Vezon was still alive after falling into the lava was a massive improvement on the original text’s.
I found only one mistake in this chapter as well:
Still convinced the idea had no chance of working, the Toa Inika of Air and triggered his mask power and concentrated on the Mask of Life.
Delete “and”.
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Don't be sorry. Your life is more important than an online forum. And that chapter was great it had a good a nice plot to it.
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Pangaea: Don't worry, I can assure you that my posting of chapter 19 without waiting for you on the previous chapter will be an exception, since I was just so eager to introduce Vezon (By the way, I'm glad you like him. :lol ). I'm starting my next year of college in a few days, so my progress here will likely slow down a bit, so that should give you a better chance. Besides, I thought your reviews were short only because there were hardly any errors to point out, and that's hardly a bad thing. :p
By the way, I wonder how the Piraka got through that test, seeing as it required an act of selflessness; a trait that the Piraka are not known for.
Remember from chapter 17, the gang followed the Toa, but the Piraka went down a different "blocked" path, which means they had to face a different series of guardians. The first one they faced was Irnakk (a boogeyman to the Piraka's species) who makes their worst fears become real. Zaktan defeats Irnakk by by overcoming his fear and turning it against Irnakk, revealing that it was all just an illusion. The second one they faced was based on trust (which we all know the Piraka don't have). They are each trapped and the only way out is by pulling a lever inside their prisons. The catch is that they all have to pull their levers at the same time for all of them to be freed, but anyone who pulls the lever first will be the only one freed while the others are killed. Zaktan and Avak try to get everyone out together, but Reidak selfishly pulls his lever, causing everyone (including Reidak) to be dropped into a flooded chamber. The Piraka barely make it out alive and manage to get the to volcanic plain first. I was also a little disappointed that Chomper never got to make use of the anger he felt towards Vezon once he was fused back together
Don't worry, he'll get another chance a few chapters from now.
Petrie85: I'm glad you like this story so far, though I must ask what your thoughts were on Vezon. He's one of my favorite Bionicle characters, and I'd like to know what you think of him.
Here's the next chapter.
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Chapter 20
A Lost Victory
The Toa Inika raised their weapons. They may have been worn out from their battle with Vezon, but were still capable of fighting. Now that they had finally gotten the Mask of Life, they were willing to do whatever it took to keep it away from the Piraka. “How long have you been open-eyed?” questioned Kongu.
“We have been awake for some time now, of course,” answered Zaktan with a smile. “We just felt it made more sense for you to exhaust yourselves in battle for the Mask of Life. Now that you have it, we will take it.”
“You mean you'll try,” said Hewkii, tightening his grip on his laser axe. “And fail.”
Littlefoot and his friends slowly backed away in order to avoid getting caught in the battle that was about to begin.
Meanwhile, the effect of the special Zamor sphere on Vezon and Kardas had just worn off. Separated from the Mask of Life, the two were now so weakened that they both collapsed and slipped into unconsciousness. However, Kardas didn't want to go down quietly, so the beast unleashed one last blast of energy in the split second before it fell. The blast struck Matoro. It was so much weaker than the previous blasts that all it did was cause the Toa of Ice to stumble forward, but it was enough to cause him to drop the Mask of Life.
All six Piraka rushed forward, ready to fight among themselves for possession of the mask. After a few seconds of shoving against each other, they realized that the mask had never even hit the ground. Instead, it was hovering in midair between them and the Toa.
“What's going on?” asked Chomper.
Once everyone's attention was on the glowing Mask of Life, it suddenly zoomed out of the chamber through the gateway that had been blasted open by Nuparu. Without a word, everyone began a mad dash for the mask.
The Piraka had a head start, since they had been standing closer to the gateway than the Toa or the young dinosaurs. Toa Jaller knew they had to be stopped, or at least slowed down. “Hewkii!” he shouted, pointing at the Piraka ahead of them.
Hewkii nodded and summoned stone hands from the floor to grab all six Piraka. It wasn't enough to hold down Zaktan ó who simply dissipated his substance ó but Matoro acted quickly and froze the Piraka leader in a column of ice.
“That buys us maybe ten seconds,” said Hewkii.
“Then it will have to be enough,” said Jaller as he raced up the staircase with the other Toa.
“Come on, guys!” shouted Littlefoot as he and his friends followed the Toa out of the chamber. “Hurry!” There was no doubting that they had little hope of keeping up with the mask, but they all knew they had to try. After all, it was much better than the alternative of staying behind with the Piraka.
The six Toa Inika and seven young dinosaurs ran as fast as they could up the stairs. Nobody had bothered to count the steps, so they had no idea how much further they had to go.
Littlefoot was the first one to realize something different about the tunnel. “I wonder what happened to all the guardians,” he thought aloud.
“I think it's because they are guardians of the Mask of Life,” answered Ruby. “Their job must be to keep anyone out of this place, not to keep anyone in this place. And since we're all trying to get out of here, all of the guardians are letting us all out of here.”
“Good,” said Kongu. “One less worry-problem for us.”
No matter how fast the group ran, the Mask of Life always seemed to stay ahead of them. Matoro tried to freeze it to the walls, but the mask just smashed right through the ice like it was nothing. Hewkii tried the same thing with stone, but that too failed. Hahli tried to bring down the mask with a jet of water, followed by Kongu with a gust of wind. Both efforts also failed to do anything.
“We have to find out where it's going,” suggested Matoro. “I'll use my mask power andó”
“No!” shouted Jaller. “We're not leaving your body behind in here. Especially with the Piraka right behind us.”
Eventually, the Mask of Life led the group out of the underground stairway and back onto the surface of Voya Nui. They ran outside into a heavy rainstorm. Cera would have complained about it, but she was too tired to do so. Even though the Toa had done much more than the gang during the battle, they were much more physically fit. Jaller led the rest of the Toa Inika, followed by Ruby and the others with Spike slowly bringing up the rear.
The strangest thing about this unusual chase was how the speed of the Mask of Life seemed to change with the pursuers. Every time they lost view of the mask, it seemed to slow down until they had almost reached it. It was as if the mask wanted them to follow it.
Nuparu triggered his mask power and flew over the terrain to see where the mask was going. Petrie had been struggling to keep up, so he was relieved to see the Toa of Earth take up the chase by air. “I think it's leading us somewhere,” Nuparu shouted down to the others. “It's heading north towards Voya Nui Bay. I don't see any traps up ahead, though.”
“If you could easy-see them, then they wouldn't be very good traps,” grumbled Kongu.
The group continued to chase the Mask of Life across the barren interior of the island and through the rocky mountains until they finally reached the sandy coast of the bay. The mask hovered over the water, as if it was waiting for everyone to arrive. Once Spike finally rejoined the others, the mask plunged into the bay.
“Great!” exclaimed Cera sarcastically, still gasping for breath. “That's just great!”
Toa Hahli didn't waste any time to go after the Mask of Life. She ran out into the water and dove beneath the waves. Ducky ó who had been riding on Spike's back and thus was not tired like her friends ó ignored all of her past fears of big water and followed the Toa Inika of Water. At the same time, Matoro's body collapsed as he used his mask power to separate his spirit so he could keep an eye on the two.
At first, Ducky was able to dive down just as fast as Hahli as they followed the Mask of Life. Despite the darkness, the golden glow of the mask was very easy to spot. However, the pressure around them was increasing as they went deeper. Despite all her years of practice, Ducky knew her limits. She was forced to turn around and head back to the surface, silently hoping that Hahli would be able to reach the mask.
Back on the shore, everyone waited silently in hopes their friends would retrieve the mask. Suddenly, Ducky burst through the surface of the water, gasping for breath. Ruby and Spike ran out to help her back onto the beach.
“It is... too deep... for me,” gasped Ducky. “It is... it is.”
“What about Hahli?” asked Jaller in concern.
Matoro's body immediately stood back up, as if he had just woken up from a nightmare. “Hahli's drowning!” exclaimed Matoro in panic.
At those words, the Toa rushed out towards the water. The gang followed behind uncertainly.
“How can we save Hahli if Hahli is deeper than even Ducky can go?” asked Ruby.
Jaller struggled to come up with a rescue plan. He had to admit that Ruby had a point. Before he could answer that question, he saw Hahli's body reach the surface. He immediately swam out and grabbed her. He feared that he might have been too late to save her, until her head was pulled above the water and she began to cough up all the water in her lungs.
Jaller was about to ask if Hahli was okay when he noticed someone else was holding her up. As they walked ashore, everyone gasped when they saw the stranger was a Matoran. Once they reached the beach, Hahli had already mostly recovered, but the Matoran collapsed for a mysterious reason. The gang rushed to the Matoran's side.
“Who are you?” asked Jaller. “Where did you come from?”
“No time,” gasped the Matoran. “Help us... city beneath the sea... help us or we're lost...”
“What city?” asked Hewkii. “What are you talking about?”
The Matoran's head fell as his eyes went dark. His heartlight also went out. The unknown Matoran was dead. Nobody said a word as the painful truth of this set in.
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After silently grieving for the deceased Matoran, Hewkii decided to dig a grave. By the time he was done, Nuparu had found an appropriately sized rock and placed it next to the hole to mark the grave. As was customary of a Matoran burial, the Kanohi mask was removed and placed on top of the rock. Once the Matoran was properly buried, another moment of silence hung over the Toa and young dinosaurs.
“Mata Nui watch over him,” Matoro said solemnly.
“He sacrificed his life to save mine,” said Hahli. “That may make him a greater hero than any of us.”
“And he brought us more mysteries,” added Hewkii. “Who was this Matoran? What killed him? What city was he talking about? And why did the Mask of Life vanish beneath the waves?”
As Kongu looked out across the ocean, he shook his head and said, “Why do I deep-think we're all about to go for a swim?”
“What's the point?” said Cera, simply trying to state the facts. “Let's face it, that mask is gone. There's no way we can get it now.”
“But without the Mask of Life, we cannot save Mata Nui,” said Ducky worriedly. “Oh no, no, no.”
“There has to be another way,” said Littlefoot with determination. “There just has to be!”
“I think we all wish that were true,” replied Nuparu.
“Yes, as much as I'd hate to say it... I'm afraid Cera's right,” said Jaller, lowering his head in defeat. “The Mask of Life is now beyond our reach.”
“Maybe fate random-picked the wrong Matoran to be Toa,” wondered Kongu. “We failed.”
“No, Toa-hero, you succeeded,” said a familiar voice. “Now you just have to succeed again.”
The six Toa Inika and seven young dinosaurs quickly turned around. As the rain began to lighten, they saw some familiar figures walking along the beach towards them. The group was led by Axonn and the six Matoran who had avoided enslavement by the Piraka. Behind them were the six Toa Nuva, fully restored with their masks and weapons.
“Tahu! Gali! I can't believe it!” shouted Jaller in happiness.
“We were afraid you might be dead!” exclaimed Hahli. “It's so wonderful to see you. Now everything will be all right.”
Pohatu smiled and said, “Toa are hard to kill, you know that. Ask Makuta... if he ever gets out from under that door.”
“Our Matoran friends found us and freed us from the effects of the Piraka's Zamor spheres,” explained Tahu. “One even offered to forge a new Air Katana for Lewa. By the way, where are the Piraka?”
Jaller and Littlefoot ó speaking for their respective groups ó told the Toa Nuva about everything that had happened since the moment the Toa Inika arrived on Voya Nui. The Toa Nuva listened with full attention, just as the gang had listened to their story not so long ago. They were quite impressed by the bravery the gang showed in their determination to follow the Toa Inika on their way to the Mask of Life. The last part was what surprised them the most with the death of an unknown Matoran and the possibility that there was an entire Matoran city hidden at the bottom of the ocean.
“We were trying to come up with a way to follow the mask when you arrived,” finished Jaller. “But now that you're here, you can go with us.”
“Or maybe you would prefer to have us go back to Metru Nui?” asked Nuparu. He wasn't the only one who hoped that wouldn't be the case. After having experienced first-hand what it was like to be a Toa, none of the Toa Inika were willing to go back to Metru Nui for lowly guard duty.
Tahu turned to the other Toa Nuva. Kopaka nodded in approval, while Gali put a hand on his shoulder in assurance. Tahu then turned back to the Toa Inika and said, “I think, perhaps, it is we who should return to the city. Take your team, Jaller, and find the mask.”
Jaller had not been expecting an answer like that at all. “What?” he said. “But you are the Toa Nuva ó the most powerful of all Toa ó and this is your destiny!”
“It is our destiny to awaken Mata Nui from his centuries-long slumber,” corrected Kopaka. “You are fighting to save the life of the Great Spirit, which must be done before he can be returned to consciousness. And that, my friends, is your destiny ó not ours.”
“We came to Voya Nui to find the Mask of Life,” continued Gali. “We failed. If it were not for you six, we and the Matoran of this island would still be enslaved by the Piraka... or worse. Don't you see? Your very existence as Toa is a sign from the Great Beings that you were meant to find the mask and save Mata Nui.”
Jaller wasn't sure what to say. The Toa Nuva certainly spoke the truth: they had completely failed, while the Toa Inika had at least partially succeeded. The success of his team meant that perhaps they really were destined to be Toa.
“What about the Matoran here?” asked Hahli, looking towards Garan and the other Matoran present. “The Piraka are still on the loose. The villagers are still in danger.”
Nobody spoke up for a moment. The question did bring up a rather complicated issue. Unlike the Matoran of Metru Nui, the Matoran who lived here had no Toa for protection or Turaga for guidance. Although they had managed to get by just fine for centuries, the Piraka turned out to be too much for them to handle on their own.
Finally, it was Axonn who decided to speak up. “There is no need to be concerned,” he said. “I will remain on Voya Nui and see to the Matoran. We will rebuild our lives here, until destiny says it is time for them to leave.”
“Believe me, he'll make sure the Piraka think twice before they mess with us again,” said Kazi to Garan and the others.
Although he was pleased to see the Matoran would be protected, Jaller still couldn't ignore an even bigger problem. He glanced out at the water, thinking if there was even a point to continue this quest with the Mask of Life lost in such an unreachable place.
Axonn noticed this gesture and added, “Fear not, my friend. There is a way to reach the undersea realm, but the way is treacherous... and your destination is a place of death and despair. But if you are willing to make the journey, my axe can open the way for you.”
“We'll do it,” said Jaller, without even turning to look at the other Toa. He knew their answer would have been the same as his.
“Then meet me at the Matoran village in the center of the island,” said Axonn. “Your quest begins there.”
Littlefoot turned to Toa Jaller and spoke up. “I guess you'll want us to go to Metru Nui with the Toa Nuva, right?” he asked, sounding slightly disappointed by the idea.
Jaller turned to the other Toa Inika. All of them nodded in approval. Jaller turned to Littlefoot and replied, “Actually, we think you've proven yourselves enough to deserve a chance.”
The gang looked up at the Toa Inika in surprise.
“We won't ask you to go to Metru Nui for your own safety,” continued Jaller, “but we also won't ask you to come with us. Instead, we'll let you decide for yourselves. I'd warn you about possible dangers, except I think that will be unnecessary after seeing how you handled Vezon.”
Littlefoot eagerly turned to his friends and asked, “Should we go with them?”
Their responses were quick and unanimous. All six of them wanted to go just as much as the young Longneck did.
Littlefoot turned back to Toa Jaller and firmly stated, “We're going.”
Axonn nodded in understanding and said, “So be it. If that is what you want, then I shall not stop you.”
With no more questions left to ask, there was nothing left to do but for the groups to say their goodbyes before parting. The Toa Inika and Toa Nuva exchanged words of encouragement and assurances that they would see each other again soon. Meanwhile, the six Matoran turned to the gang to exchange some last words.
“It was nice to have you on our side,” said Garan. “You may not have offered much, but we truly appreciated your loyalty to the Matoran.”
“We're glad we could help you, too,” said Ruby. “We always look after our friends, and any Matoran is a friend to us.”
“You'll be going after the Mask of Life beneath the sea,” said Dalu. “If you do find a city down there, do you think you can do a favor for us?”
“What would that be?” asked Cera.
Piruk turned to look out at the water. “Voya Nui Bay wasn't always there,” he said. “There used to be land over there. We had built a village on that land.”
“Sadly, that land turned out to be too unstable,” continued Balta. “One day, it sank beneath the waves, taking the village with it. At lot of our friends went down with it. We all thought they had died... until now.”
“While we were searching for the Toa Nuva in the stronghold,” continued Garan, “we found some tablets with records of the history of Voya Nui written on them. One thing we didn't understand was that, according to some of those tablets, that village still exists, and the Matoran who lived there are still alive. If those Matoran are still alive... let them know about us. Tell them that we miss them and would like to see them again. Will you do that for us?”
The gang was silent for a moment. It was shocking enough to think that there might be a city hidden underwater, but it was even more surprising that the possible inhabitants of that city might have once lived side by side with the Matoran of Voya Nui. Regardless of this unexpected connection, the young dinosaurs knew there was only one answer they could give.
“Yes,” answered Littlefoot. “We will.”
“Excellent,” said Garan. “We'll tell everyone in the Matoran village about this so that we may reunite with our old friends we once thought were dead. Once again, we thank you for helping us, but we both know that it won't be easy to get there.”
“Stay with the Toa, and may Mata Nui protect you,” said Balta, offering some final words of encouragement.
Once everyone was ready to part ways, Tahu turned to those who would go after the Mask of Life and said, “Go now, Toa Inika. As Matoran, you showed courage and heart as great as that of any Toa. As heroes, you have proven yourselves worthy of joining the ranks of the greatest in legend. Your young friends have also proven themselves enough to have the chance to fight by your side. We will be waiting to greet you when you have fulfilled your destiny.”
The gang and the Toa Inika bowed in respect to the Toa Nuva.
Axonn turned to Balta and said, “Take them to the Matoran village. I shall be there after I discuss a few things with the Toa Nuva.”
Balta nodded. He and the other Matoran then began to lead the gang and the Toa Inika to the Matoran village.
Axonn and the Toa Nuva were the only ones remaining on the beach. Once the others were out of sight, Axonn turned to Tahu and said, “They are gone, but I do not need to be wearing the Mask of Truth to know you lied to them.”
Tahu never turned his attention away from where the others had gone as he answered, “Where we have to go, they can't follow. What we have to do, they cannot be a part of. And you know it.”
Axonn nodded. Having been around since close to the beginning of the Matoran universe, he knew things the Matoran didn't... and was also aware there were things that even he had no knowledge of. Reawakening the Great Spirit might turn out to be a long and complicated process. The Matoran universe was not as simple as one might think at first glance. “Do you think the Toa Inika and their allies will succeed?” asked Axonn.
Tahu turned away and sighed. He finally replied, “I think they can count themselves very lucky if they even survive.”
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Read and review, as always. Just so you're aware, updates will likely slow down for a while since my next year of college starts in a few days, but at least I'm glad I made this much progress this summer.
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I read through this entire chapter and it started off pretty interesting. The Mask of Life acted seemingly of its own accord forcing a drawn out chase to catch it. The amount of additions you have made to the original text is pretty impressive, though I feel the adaptation is not as smooth as it could be.
This chapter was a very big 'Toa' chapter compared to some of the others with lots of characters arriving, speaking, and performing actions that are not part of the gang. It seems like a trend for this story that when these chapters occur, things get confusing for me very quickly. I have said this before, but you can keep your readers more interested in the story by watering down some of the more intense Bionicle Lore and disscussions between the original characters to keep the Gang of Seven more relevant to the story.
After the Matoran rescued one of the Toa and more characters showed up, I had to stop and think about what was going on as I tried to remember who everyone was, what they looked like, and more importantly where the story was headed. Making an effort to describe the appearances and emotions of the Toa beyond the original story (which assumes the reader goes through the tale all in one go as opposed to one installment every one to two weeks) would make attracting reviewers easier since we can't be expected go back and read several past chapters to figure it out on our own.
Keep writing... I can tell your on the home stretch :angel
Caustizer
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Oh, curse me; has it really taken me eight weeks to post a review? Rrrrrrrrrgh! :bang :bang :bang :bang :bang It’s probably meaningless by now, but I’m sorry. :( I’m not the reviewer I used to be. (Chronicler: I’d rather not waste space and irritate people ranting about my lateness here, so PM me if you want to know why I took so long.)
I regret to say that I can’t come up with many comments for this chapter other than the one I’m sure you’re sick of hearing by now: that I didn’t think the gang were involved enough, and that their presence in the chapter felt rather negligible. However, this time I’d like to expand on that criticism, as I believe I’ve identified a major reason that this is such a frequent issue for me. As I see it, this story so faróand I mean no offense by thisóhas essentially been a plot lifted from the Bionicle canon with the LBT gang inserted. This means that no matter the level of involvement the LBT characters have in the events of the story, the outcome will always be more or less the same as they are in the original, official work. Granted, if the reader knows nothing of how the story will play out (i.e., they haven’t seen the “source material”), they still might manage to enjoy it. However, as long as the cast of the story consists of all of the original Bionicle characters with the gang added in, there is only so much the latter will be able to do to influence the plot. Rather than having their own roles in the story, they are forced to share roles with the Bionicle characters. And since the original version already had a considerably sized cast (mostly consisting of “six-packs” of characters who are together much of the time: the Matoran freedom fighters, the Toa Nuva, the Toa Inika, and the Piraka), that makes it very difficult to allocate dialogue and actions equally among the characters so that all of them maintain a role and a presence in the story. I’m hoping that this is only true of the first part of this story (since I know you have a lot more to tell), and that the storyline will soon segue into one more of your own design, with hopefully fewer characters for the gang to compete with for the spotlight. Your first fanfic demonstrated that you are capable of writing a Bionicle-themed story with original elements (namely the Energy Stones), and I am looking forward to seeing more of this.
My favorite original bit in this chapter was probably Ducky’s attempt to help Hahli retrieve the Mask of Life by diving into the water after her. I liked how it emphasized just how deep Hahli was diving, that such an accomplished and capable swimmer as Ducky had to turn back first.
But the Matoran wasn't saying any more. His heartlight stopped shining and his eyes faded to black. He was dead.
I don’t recall it ever being explained previously in either of your stories what heartlights are. It was easy to conclude that they are indicators of a Matoran’s lifeforce, much like a heartbeat (an assumption I confirmed by checking the Bionicle wiki). So this isn’t a particularly major oversight, but perhaps it would have been a good idea to have a brief explanation in some prior part of the story.
If this chapter marks the last appearance of Balta, Dalu, Kazi, Velika, Garan, and Piruk (the Matoran the gang met when they first came to Voya Nui), then I think there should be a scene where they get to interact with the gang one last time, exchanging a personal farewell.
Another unresolved matter: What happened to Brutaka? There is no mention of him in this chapter, not even by Axonn.
However, Kardas didn't want to go down quietly, so the beast unleashed one last blast of energy in the split second before it had fallen.
Should be “fell”.
After a few seconds of shoving against each other, they realized that the mask * never even hit the ground.
*Insert “had”.
Eventually, the Mask of Life finally led the group out of the underground stairway and back onto the surface of Voya Nui.
It’s probably redundant to have “eventually” and “finally” in the same sentence. I’d remove the latter.
Again I apologize for making you wait so long for such a paltry review. Sadly, I have reason to doubt that my reliability and quality as a reviewer will improve any time soon. :(
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Pangaea: Many times, I've mentioned that there would be many chapters with little original material, but I've struggled to explain why I'm writing like this. I think your explanation of this frequent problem is the best I've ever heard. Even I never thought of it like that, but now it makes sense to me. And you're at least partially right, the gang's involvement in the plot will improve, but maybe not as much as you're hoping at first. (For example, in the next part, the Toa will allow the gang to go with them, unlike the first part. The gang will get even more involved in the third part, but the reason for that is something I came up with, so it's a spoiler.) As for the part about Brutaka, that's explained in the next chapter.
Caustizer: As I already mentioned to Pangaea, this is only the first of five parts that I've finished for this story, though I'm hoping at least most of the other four parts won't be as long as part one.
This chapter marks the end of part one of five. I couldn't come up with a lot of ideas, so that's why it's shorter than most of the other chapters.
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Chapter 21
Preparing for the Unknown
The rain had completely stopped by the time the group of Toa and young dinosaurs arrived at the Matoran village. As they entered the village, the formerly enslaved Matoran gradually emerged from their huts and, upon seeing the Toa Inika, began to cheer their arrival.
Garan raised his hands to silence the growing crowd. He spoke to the villagers, “Quiet everyone. I understand everyone's appreciation for what these heroes have done for us, but their journey is not yet over. They may have saved Voya Nui, but now they have to save the entire universe. To do that, they will need an item of great power, the same one the Piraka had intended to find, but has now been lost to the sea. There is a way for them to retrieve it, but the path must first be opened.”
Balta turned to the gang and the Toa and said, “I suggest you wait outside the village for Axonn. I'm sure you would like some time to yourselves before you leave.”
“I agree.” Garan turned back to the crowd and continued, “In the meantime, let us gather in the center of the village. I have a few more announcements to make.”
As the Matoran headed for the center of the village, the gang and the Toa Inika turned around and headed back to the edge of the village. After all they had been through recently, a little time to relax seemed like a good idea.
“So...” began Littlefoot, “what do you think is next for us?”
“I honestly don't know what to expect,” admitted Matoro.
“But there is one thing we can be sure of,” added Cera. “If we're going to get that mask, we're going to have to go underwater, and let's face it, some of us aren't going to like that.”
“Couldn't agree more,” responded Hewkii with a shudder.
“That may be inevitable, but maybe there is a way down without getting wet,” said Jaller. “Perhaps that's the path that Axonn has offered to show us.”
“I guess we'll just have to wait and see,” said Chomper.
“Me just hope nothing evil-bad down there,” said Petrie worriedly.
“In this universe, that's just too much to hope for,” replied Hewkii.
“I agree,” added Nuparu. “At the very least, we should hope that we can take on anything that might stand in our way.”
“I also hope that if we do find any Matoran down there,” added Ruby, “those Matoran will help us find the Mask of Life and not turn against us.”
“Yeah, I remember how the first meeting between the Toa Nuva and these Matoran went,” said Cera. “The Matoran attacked because they thought the Toa were a threat, like the Piraka.”
“So as long as they're not in any quick-danger from Makuta-beasts, we should have no worry-problem getting them on our side,” concluded Kongu.
“If they really do exist down there,” said Hahli. “I still feel bad for that one Matoran who saved me,” she added sadly.
Jaller put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and said, “Don't feel so bad, Hahli. I know it's sad to think of what happened to that Matoran, but I don't think you were at fault. His last words were a warning to us. If you hadn't been in the water, he still would have come to us and possibly still suffered the same fate. You should be glad that he took whatever little time he had left of his life to save yours.”
Hahli looked up and felt more at ease as she stared into his eyes. It was no secret by now how much they loved each other, despite the fact they were now Toa. Through all of the struggles, both physical and emotional, she was glad to have someone like Jaller to always be there for her.
“You know,” Nuparu suddenly spoke up, “I think I know what might have killed that Matoran.”
“What are you talking about?” asked Hewkii. “Was he attacked by something?”
“Not necessarily,” replied Nuparu. “Let's assume for a moment that there really is a city at the bottom of the sea. Now let's assume that Matoran came from that city. If he were to have swum from down there all the way to the surface, that could have been lethal for him.”
“What do you mean by that?” asked Ducky.
“You may have noticed how much the pressure increased as you swam deeper, right, Ducky? Well, based on what I've heard from experiences by some Onu-Matoran in the mines, going the other way can be an even bigger problem. For example, if someone stayed at the bottom of the mine for some time, then quickly took the elevator all the way to the top level, he would be overcome by what I call pressure sickness. Usually, it's nothing worse than severe dizziness, and I've never heard of a case being lethal. That Matoran probably came from a much greater depth than I have ever known, not to mention that water pressure is far greater than air at a similar depth.”
“So what you're saying is that he could have died just because he swam to the surface too quickly?” asked Matoro.
“Precisely,” answered Nuparu.
“Wow, Nuparu, you sure do know a lot about all kinds of things,” praised Chomper.
“It comes from experience,” said Nuparu to the little Sharptooth. “Maybe I can give you a few lessons after all of this is over with.”
“That would be great!” exclaimed Chomper excitedly.
“Anyway, if what Nuparu said is true, then that Matoran must have had a good reason to come and warn us as soon as he could,” said Littlefoot
“Perhaps he was under attack,” Jaller speculated. “Or worse, maybe the entire underwater city was under attack and he tried to find help.”
Kongu sighed and muttered to himself, “So much for finding a happy-safe village.”
“Well, I still think we won't have any problems convincing them that we only want to help them,” assured Littlefoot. “All we have to do is tell them what we did for their friends up here.”
“What do you mean ëtheir friends?’” asked Hewkii.
“Sorry, I forgot to mention what Garan and the others just told us,” replied Littlefoot. “That city used to be on Voya Nui, but it sank a long time ago, and everyone there was thought to have died.”
“You mean the Matoran of Voya Nui and those that might live in the underwater city once lived together?” asked Hahli.
Littlefoot nodded.
“I guess that makes things a lot easier, then,” remarked Hewkii.
“Regardless, we should be prepared for anything,” warned Jaller. “They might not be friendly to outsiders, or might not even remember Voya Nui at all. My point is that with the stakes this high, we can't be too careful with anything.”
“I just hope those Matoran can find the Mask of Life before something else does,” said Cera.
“Me not want to think what that something else could be,” added Petrie worriedly.
Spike nervously nodded in agreement.
“But if something unfriendly does find it, we'll just have to take it from their dirty hands,” said Hewkii.
“Right, because that's what Toa-heroes do,” boasted Kongu. “We quick-save Matoran from danger.”
“Only this time, it's an entire universe of Matoran whose lives depend on us,” added Matoro.
“And wherever you must go and whatever you must do to save this universe, we will always be there to help you save this universe,” said Ruby.
“Yeah, you can count on us!” assured Littlefoot.
“We certainly appreciate your help,” said Nuparu. “I just hope we can overcome whatever might stand in our way on this journey.”
“We will have to do everything we can,” said Jaller. “The fate of the Matoran universe is in our hands.”
“What if we do not succeed?” asked Ducky.
Jaller was silent for a few seconds before he finally said with determination, “We must succeed.”
If it had not been obvious to any of the young dinosaurs, it certainly was now. If Mata Nui couldn't be saved, the entire Matoran universe would die, and they might end up getting caught in the destruction with everyone else. For Toa and dinosaur, failure was not an option.
“Look!” exclaimed Chomper. “Here comes Axonn!”
Everyone looked in the direction Chomper was pointing and saw Axonn approaching them on his own.
“Where are the Toa Nuva?” asked Hahli, noticing their absence.
“They have already begun their journey back to Metru Nui,” answered Axonn, not telling the whole story of what they would be doing instead of simple guard duty.
“Before we go anywhere, I forgot to ask you something,” said Littlefoot as Axonn passed by. “What happened to Brutaka?”
The question made Axonn stop in his tracks. Everyone felt tense for a moment as they waited for him to say something. “When you stopped Hakann and Thok,” explained Axonn, “and returned Brutaka's power to him, I was left with no choice but to battle him, even if it had to take all of eternity for one of us to be victorious. I eventually gained the upper hand when I destroyed the vat containing the virus, robbing him of the substance that had made him stronger. Once I had defeated Brutaka, I was hoping that I could bring him back to our side, but... the Order of Mata Nui had other ideas.” He let out a sigh of defeat. “He has been banished to the Pit.” Axonn resumed walking before anyone could question him further. The group had no choice but to just follow him.
It wasn't long until the group reached the center of the village, where all of the Matoran of Voya Nui had gathered. Their meeting was silenced as they watched their heroes arrive.
“Stand aside, Matoran,” said Axonn as he unlimbered his axe. “This is the beginning of your journey, Toa, and Mata Nui will help see you through to the end.”
Axonn raised his axe and swung it down at the ground. He pulled his axe out and swung it at the ground again, and again, and again. Within a short amount of time, he had cleaved a large pit in the ground until he reached a layer of white stone, marked in one spot by a symbol that resembled the shape of Voya Nui. He climbed out of the pit and threw his axe at the marking in the white stone, smashing a large hole through the rock layer and revealing an underground passage beneath.
“You route lies through there,” said Axonn as his axe returned to his hand. “It is a long maze of tunnels known as the Cord. It will take you to the city beneath the sea and the Mask of Life... but take care, Toa and young ones. The ocean is home to many wonders and many dangers... to figures of great courage and some so evil that even the Order of Mata Nui could do nothing but banish them below.”
The Toa stood at the edge of the pit, followed uneasily by the gang. Nuparu decided to go first. He climbed down the side of the pit and jumped into the hole. The noise of his feet hitting solid ground not too far away was reassuring to everyone else. “It's okay, guys,” he called up to the others. “It's not that far of a jump.”
One by one, the rest of the Toa Inika followed the Toa of Earth into the unknown. Cera, trying to prove her bravery to her friends, was the next one down. Although everyone was hesitant at first, the rest of the young dinosaurs eventually followed.
Littlefoot was the last one to go. He climbed down the pit and stopped at the edge of the hole. Before taking the final leap, he looked up at the surrounding Matoran and said, “Don't worry, everyone. We won't let you down.”
As the Matoran cheered at this promise, Littlefoot took the leap into the darkness below.
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Read and review, as always. The next few chapters, in terms of how I write them, are going to be rather unique. You see, there was supposed to be another Bionicle book that explained what happens to the Toa Inika during their journey beneath Voya Nui, but that book was cancelled. As a result, the only canon material I have to go by are the basic events that happened. I'll have to come up with the details and dialogue myself. Once I can find the time to write them, this should be interesting.
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No reviews? I'll admit I'm not putting as much pressure on you guys as I did previously, but I was kind of hoping someone would say something over the past 6 weeks. Especially since the next 2 and a half chapters are going to be nearly entirely original material, due to a cancelled book. I'll just post the first of these chapters and see what you think of it.
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Chapter 22
Down the Cord
The group of six Toa Inika and seven young dinosaurs had been walking through the winding tunnel for only a few minutes and they were already isolated from the light of the entrance. Toa Jaller was able to light the way with the flame he had summoned to cover his sword. Although Axonn had warned them that they would be going through a maze of tunnels, they had yet to see any diverging paths, and they hoped it would stay that way for a while.
“Stay together,” cautioned Jaller. “We don't know what's down here, so it's best we stay alert.”
The gang huddled together in the middle of the traveling group, making sure they had Toa on all sides. “I sure hope this is worth it,” muttered Cera.
“There's no doubt that it will be,” responded Nuparu, who was walking at the front with Jaller. “Mata Nui's life depends on us getting that mask.”
“I still don't get why that one mask is so important to this universe,” continued Cera.
“Trust me, little Threehorn, you'll never understand the Mask of Life,” said Kongu, who was guarding the rear with Hewkii. “At least, not like I do now.”
“I'm just glad we got the mask away from Vezon,” said Matoro. “I don't know what he'll do next, but at least he won't be anywhere near as powerful as he was before.”
Chomper clenched his fists at the very mention of the seventh Piraka. “I still hate him for what he did to me,” he grumbled.
“So, Chomper... what was it like to be split in two?” asked Littlefoot, hoping to understand why the little Sharptooth was holding so tightly to such a grudge.
“You do not have to answer if you do not want to,” assured Ducky, understanding that it would be a sensitive subject. “Oh no, no, no.”
“No, you guys need to know,” replied Chomper, reluctantly. “He may not have the mask, but he still has that spear, so he can still do something like that to us.”
“Let's just hope he doesn't decide to quick-follow us down here,” added Kongu.
Chomper took a moment to compose himself, since it was indeed a sensitive subject for him. “It felt... strange,” began Chomper. “Since I'm now fused back together, I remember what it was like to be both of them. The nicer one never stood a chance against the meaner one. It's not that the nicer me didn't want to fight back, but that I just couldn't. That urge to fight and protect myself... it just wasn't there anymore. It felt like half of me was just... missing.”
“What about the other half?” asked Cera. “What was the meaner Chomper like?”
Chomper shuddered at merely thinking about it. “Madness,” he replied. “Just madness. I do not want to ever be like that Chomper.”
“Don't worry, little guy,” assured Hewkii. “You can count on us to make sure that doesn't happen again.”
Chomper looked up and smiled at the Toa of Stone. He was glad to have friends like the Toa Inika.
________
A few minutes later, the group was still walking down the same dark tunnel. Suddenly, everyone heard a faint noise, like something relatively small and metallic hitting the stone that made up the tunnel walls. “What was that?” Cera quickly asked.
The six Toa Inika immediately raised their weapons and started to look around for the source of the noise. The gang stood close to the Toa.
Chomper sniffed the air a little in hopes of figuring out what could be nearby.
“What is it, Chomper?” asked Ruby.
“I don't know,” answered Chomper after a few more sniffs. “There's something down here, but I don't know what it is.”
Ducky was feeling very nervous and began to slowly back up. Suddenly, a long narrow object flew through the air right in front of her nose and embedded itself in the nearby stone. Ducky screamed as she jumped back from the near miss, then ran back to her friends huddled in the middle.
The Toa turned to where Ducky had been and saw a crude spear stuck into the stone wall. They heard more of the faint clanging noise, before a few more spears flew through the air. All of the Toa had dodged at just the right moment to avoid every one of those spears.
“Who's there!” demanded Jaller, holding up his flaming sword in anticipation of a battle. “Show yourselves!”
Finally, a creature stepped forward enough so that everyone could see it in the light of Jaller's flame. It was definitely a thing of nightmares. It had a long mouth full of sharp teeth, a hunched back, and a long tail. Its appearance could only be described as a horribly disfigured Fast Biter. In its clawed hands, it was grasping a crude dagger and another of those spears. It was currently showing an expression of pure hate. Its glowing red eyes were filled with madness at an unimaginable extreme. Whatever this thing was, one thing was clear: it wanted them dead.
“Whaó What is that thing?” asked Littlefoot nervously.
The creature immediately threw the spear in its hand, but Jaller was able to deflect it with his sword.
“I don't know,” replied Jaller, “but one thing is certain: it's not friendly.”
Terrifying as that creature was, it was not alone. A few more creatures like it stepped out of the shadows. Their tight grips on their spears and daggers showed that they were ready to fight.
“Correction: they're not friendly,” added Hewkii.
As the creatures charged, Jaller shouted, “Get back, kids!” Littlefoot and the others did as they were told without hesitation.
Not wasting any time to make sure the young dinosaurs were okay, Jaller unleashed a blast of flame that was aimed at the ground in front of the creatures, hoping to spook them off. It had no effect at all.
Hahli stepped forward and unleashed a torrent of water at their foes. The creatures were thrown back and off their feet, but resumed their attack just as quickly.
Next, Hewkii and Nuparu combined their elemental attacks to bury the creatures with stone from above and earth from below. They didn't stay buried for long. They quickly pulled themselves out from beneath the rubble and resumed their attack.
Meanwhile, Chomper noticed something in the air and sniffed it to get a better idea what it was. His expression showed that things were about to get worse. “There's more of them coming!” he exclaimed.
Matoro heard the warning and decided to take immediate action. The creatures were about to throw their weapons when the Toa of Ice froze them all on the spot.
“Hey! It was my turn!” complained Kongu.
“You heard what Chomper said,” countered Matoro. “There's more coming, so we'd better get out of here fast!”
“He's right, let's go!” ordered Jaller. The others didn't hesitate to follow the Toa of Fire as he ran further down the tunnel.
They had run for only a few more seconds when Nuparu suddenly spoke up. “Two paths up ahead,” he observed with his night vision in the dark tunnel ahead. “We'd better choose fast: left or right?”
The group came to a stop in front of the two tunnels. They both looked the same on the outside, and it was way too dark to see where they led. With those disfigured creatures right behind them, they didn't have much time to choose.
“I say we go this way,” Cera quickly said before taking the tunnel on the right.
“Cera, wait!” exclaimed Littlefoot, but it was too late to change the Threehorn's mind.
“Too late,” muttered Kongu as he followed Cera. Still in a sense of emergency, everyone else soon followed.
________
“Ugh, how the Karzahni did we end up in this mess?” asked Hewkii, irritated.
The tunnel they had chosen to take seemed fine at first, but as they walked further, it began to wind around and take all kinds of sharp turns. Even worse, it just kept getting smaller and smaller until, eventually, they had reached a point where they just couldn't go any further. They were now literally stuck with their bodies contorted in all kinds of awkward angles.
“Don't look at me. I'm not the one who decided to start order-giving without second thoughts,” grumbled Kongu, who was on his back with his shoulders wedged between the floor and ceiling, which had suddenly gotten much lower at this point along the tunnel.
“Hey, I didn't heard anyone else coming up with a plan!” retorted Cera, who had somehow managed to get her neck stuck between two rocks in a way that left her body dangling. Her neckshield prevented her from falling through the gap.
“Actually, Cera, you really didn't give anyone a chance to come up with another plan,” pointed out Chomper, who was sitting on a small ledge ahead of Cera where the floor had gotten too steep for him to climb any further.
“That is right, Cera. It is, it is,” agreed Ducky, who was sitting on a similar ledge just below Chomper.
“Though you have to admit, we were kind of in a rush,” said Littlefoot, who was stuck behind Cera because, due to his size, he couldn't fit through the gap in the rocks. His head and neck were sticking out through the gap, while the rest of his body felt squeezed. Despite their problems, he and his friends had managed to make it further than the Toa Inika, even though it wasn't by much distance.
“Right, we were more worried about getting away from those... whatever those things were, and not as worried about getting lost or stuck like this,” added Ruby, who had wedged herself between the floor and very low ceiling in her attempt to follow Chomper and Ducky.
“Ruby right,” agreed Petrie. Although he was capable of going further along the incredibly narrow tunnel, he was too scared to leave the group.
“Besides, those two tunnels looked the same to me,” finished Cera.
“Well, maybe if you had taken some advice from someone who knows about tunnels, we wouldn't be stuck in this predicament in the first place!” exclaimed Nuparu from the back of the group, frustrated that it was simply too risky to just blast a new tunnel with his weapon. He was stuck with torso forward and his legs up.
“Everyone, just relax!” demanded Jaller, who was stuck behind Kongu with everything but his legs in positions that left his movements very restricted. “Obviously, we can't keep going down this tunnel. We'll have to backtrack and take the other tunnel. Petrie, fly back and make sure the path is still clear.”
“Me no know about that, but me go quick-look,” replied Petrie uneasily as he flew past the Toa and back the way they came.
Meanwhile, everyone tried their best to back out of the positions they were stuck in, but for many of them, it was proving to be extremely difficult. “You know, Jaller, I think we can count ourselves lucky if we can even move at all,” said Hahli, who was stuck on her back with her legs down and her arms up. She was right behind Jaller and ahead of Hewkii.
Within seconds, everyone faintly heard the familiar noise of spears striking stone. That was immediately followed by Petrie's panicked screaming as he quickly flew back forward through the tunnel, stopping only when he grasped tightly onto Nuparu's arm. “No good! Evil-bad monsters back there!” he quickly blurted out in panic.
“Great!” shouted Hewkii, slamming his weapon against the stone floor in frustration. Unlike the other Toa, he had some room to move his arms around in, even though the rest of his body was still wedged between the floor and low ceiling. “Can't go forward, can't go backward, we're stuck here!”
“I wouldn't be too sure of that,” said Chomper. “If it was a Sharptooth back there, he'll eventually give up to find easier food. Those things can't wait for us back there forever, right?”
“I suppose that makes sense, Chomper,” said Jaller, “but just to be sure... Kongu, use your mask power on those creatures.”
“Anything to keep my mind off of this view,” grumbled Kongu. In front of his face was Spike's rear end, the result of Spike getting stuck ó for not the first time in his life ó in a passage too small for his massive body.
As he closed his eyes, all Kongu could “hear” at first were the thoughts of the gang and the other Toa. He concentrated on the direction where he thought those creatures might be. After drowning out the thoughts of the others, he managed to pick up something else. As he focused on that particular mind, he was quickly horrified by the amount of savagery he was being exposed to. After gathering only what he felt was the most important information, he immediately broke contact. He gasped as he opened his eyes. Seeing Spike's posterior again, he said, “Okay, I stand corrected.”
“What did you find?” asked Matoro, who was between Hewkii and Nuparu and was stuck with his torso down and his legs bent forward.
Kongu shuddered at thoughts he had just been exposed to. The minds of those things were even worse than Vezok's mind, and that was saying something. “I don't think they'll quick-leave anytime soon,” replied Kongu. “They are ever-desperate to hunt us all down, and I mean to the death.”
“Why would they want to do that?” asked Littlefoot. “We never did anything to them.”
“They call themselves Zyglak,” added Kongu.
“Oh... now it all makes sense,” Hahli quietly said to herself.
“What did you say?” asked Jaller.
“I've heard about the Zyglak, but I wasn't sure if what we saw was really them.”
“Oh really?” asked Cera. “How do you know all of this?”
“I was the Chronicler when we returned to Metru Nui. Turaga Whenua once showed me around the ruins of the Archives in Onu-Metru. I found a lot of old tablets, and figured they might hold some valuable information, so I read as many of them as I could in what little available time I had. One of them described the Zyglak tribes. They were created back in the early days of this universe. Actually, they were never meant to exist in the first place, for they came into being from the same material that made the Krana.”
“What are Krana?” asked Littlefoot. He had heard of them, but was struggling to remember everything the Toa Nuva had told him and his friends a few days ago.
“They're mask-like creatures that power the Bohrok,” answered Jaller. “Back on the island of Mata Nui, Makuta once unleashed a massive swarm of them that would stop at nothing to destroy the entire island.”
“Anyway,” continued Hahli, “while the Krana were created to serve a purpose, the Zyglak were an accidental creation, and therefore the Great Beings had no use for them. The Zyglak were shunned by all the other species. Eventually, they grew to despise the Matoran, who they believed had taken what they thought should be their place in the universe. They have been out for revenge against the Matoran and anyone associated with the Great Spirit ever since.”
Everyone was silent for a few seconds to process the shocking information. Finally, Ruby said, “Well, I guess that means we really are not going anywhere, because those... Zyglak... will never let us go anywhere.”
“What do we do now?” asked Ducky in fear.
“That does it!” exclaimed Hewkii. “I may not endorse cheating, but in this case, I'll make an exception.” The Toa Inika of Stone raised his laser axe and prepared to strike the stone on his right.
“Wait!” shouted Hahli, making Hewkii freeze his movement. “Remember, we could be underwater by this point. If you smash the wrong wall, we'll all drown.”
“Honestly, Hewkii, there's a reason you haven't seen me try to drill through this rock,” added Nuparu.
Hewkii slammed his weapon down on the floor for a third time and shouted, “Great! Now I can't even smash my way out!”
“Actually, Hewkii, maybe we can,” said Matoro. “The trick is to know which wall to smash. I'll be right back.” He then triggered his Kanohi mask power, separating his spirit from his body so that he could freely observe the tunnels in the Cord without being restricted by the stone.
Hewkii looked back at the limp body of the Toa Inika of Ice and muttered, “I hate it when he does that.”
Less than a minute later, Matoro's body jerked as if he just woke up, signaling that his spirit had come back to his body. “Don't smash the wall, Hewkii,” he warned. “There's water on the other side.”
“So much for smashing our way out,” said Cera as she rolled her eyes.
“But you can smash the floor,” continued Matoro. “There's a big, wide tunnel on the other side.”
“Good enough for me,” said Hewkii with enthusiasm. He raised his laser axe as he began to focus his elemental power into it. Finally, he brought the weapon down with all of his force onto the stone floor. The floor was quickly reduced to rubble, sending the Toa Inika of Stone plummeting into the tunnel beyond. He soon hit the floor of the other tunnel. As he stood up, he muttered to himself, “That's the last time I'll listen to Cera if this is where the other tunnel led to.”
“Brace yourself, Matoro!” shouted Nuparu. Hewkii looked up just in time to see part of the ceiling blow apart, followed by Toa Nuparu and Toa Matoro falling into the tunnel. As the Toa of Earth stood up with a smile on his face, he held up his laser drill and said, “Now that's what I call breaking and entering.”
Matoro rubbed his head as he stood up. “Yeah, but think we should try something different to get the others out,” suggested the Toa Inika of Ice. “The kids aren't as tough as we are.”
“Not a problem,” said Hewkii as he raised his weapon. He focused his elemental power on the stone ceiling, causing it to gradually rip open. After Hahli, Jaller, Kongu, and Spike had fallen through, Matoro and Nuparu ran over to catch the rest of the group as they fell, making sure they had a soft landing.
After Nuparu set her down, Cera exclaimed to Hewkii, “A little warning would have been nice!”
Spike, realizing that he might be sitting on something, stood up and turned around to face Kongu, still on his back. The Toa of Air glared at him and muttered, “You never make life easy for anyone, do you?”
Toa Jaller stood up and reignited the flame around his sword. The light from the flame showed the tunnel to be much more spacious than any other they had come across so far.
“Much better,” said Ruby as she stretched out her limbs.
“This tunnel is much much better. Yep, yep, yep!” agreed Ducky.
“It good to be out of that ever-cramped twisty tunnel,” added Petrie.
“But still, shouldn't we do something about this?” asked Littlefoot, looking at what was left of the smaller tunnel. “What if those... Zyglak are able to follow us?”
“Don't worry, I've got it covered,” said Hewkii, already preparing to put his elemental powers over stone to work again. Everyone stood back as the rubble was raised off of the floor and stuffed into the opening of the smaller tunnel, blocking off the path the group had taken. “There. Now they won't suspect that we broke out.”
“Let's hope it stays that way,” said Jaller as he began to walk in the same direction the group had been going in the other tunnel. The others soon followed him. Despite their hopes, this was only the beginning of the hazards they would face in the Cord.
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Read and review, as always. Considering the canon events I have to work with, the next chapter should be even more interesting than this one.
Here are the images of everything first seen in this chapter:
Zyglak (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/2/27/Zyglak.png)
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Once again I am compelled to tell you how sorry I am for my horrendously undependable reviewing habits. :bang I am also sorry that you have not received any other reviews in the past month and a half (I can’t help but feel like you’re relying on me for all your feedback, and which makes me feel even worse for failing to provide it. :()
Chapter 21
I’ll admit I was a little thrown by the characters’ visit to the Matoran village at the beginning of this chapter, because for some reason I had interpreted the ending scene of the last chapter as the gang’s farewell to the residents of Voya Nui. After rereading it, however, I don’t know why I thought that. :wacko (Maybe it was Tahu’s parting line to them. I keep forgetting which character is whom, and I think I forgot that he was a Toa Nuva, not one of the Voya Nui Matoran the gang befriended.)
I liked the way you had Nuparu explain “pressure sickness” to the others, and why it would have killed the Matoran who came from the underwater village. (So it’s possible for creatures?) Personally, I’d imagine that the gang would have a little difficulty grasping the concept that air exerts pressure (as in Nuparu’s mine analogy), but I agree that water pressure is something they would understand fairly easily, seeing as they’ve all been acquainted with it at one time or another.
No offense, though, but a lot of the other lines in the conversation, however, felt a little bit awkward…clichÈd…repetitive…like conversations we’ve heard several times already. Most of the lines in the following segments felt this way to me:
“So...” began Littlefoot, “what do you think is next for us?”
“I honestly don't know what to expect,” admitted Matoro.
“But there is one thing we can be sure of,” added Cera. “If we're going to get that mask, we're going to have to go underwater, and let's face it, some of us aren't going to like that.”
“Couldn't agree more,” responded Hewkii with a shudder.
“That may be inevitable, but maybe there is a way down without getting wet,” said Jaller. “Perhaps that's the path that Axonn has offered to show us.”
“I guess we'll just have to wait and see,” said Chomper.
“Me just hope nothing evil-bad down there,” said Petrie worriedly.
“In this universe, that's just too much to hope for,” replied Hewkii.
“I agree,” added Nuparu. “At the very least, we should hope that we can take on anything that might stand in our way.”
“Regardless, we should be prepared for anything,” warned Jaller. “They might not be friendly to outsiders, or might not even remember Voya Nui at all. My point is that with the stakes this high, we can't be too careful with anything.”
“I just hope those Matoran can find the Mask of Life before something else does,” said Cera.
“Me not want to think what that something else could be,” added Petrie worriedly.
Spike nervously nodded in agreement.
“But if something unfriendly does find it, we'll just have to take it from their dirty hands,” said Hewkii.
“Right, because that's what Toa-heroes do,” boasted Kongu. “We quick-save Matoran from danger.”
“Only this time, it's an entire universe of Matoran whose lives depend on us,” added Matoro.
“And wherever you must go and whatever you must do to save this universe, we will always be there to help you save this universe,” said Ruby.
“Yeah, you can count on us!” assured Littlefoot.
“We certainly appreciate your help,” said Nuparu. “I just hope we can overcome anything that might stand in our way.”
“We will have to do everything we can,” said Jaller. “The fate of the Matoran universe is in our hands.”
“What if we do not succeed?” asked Ducky.
Jaller was silent for a few seconds before he finally said with determination, “We must succeed.”
I can’t explain why I thought these parts of the conversation sounded triteóit would be that it’s just me. It just feels like there’s already been a lot of scenes like this just before the characters take on a dangerous task or enter an uncertain situation, where similar things are said (sometimes stating facts that should frankly be obvious to the readers and the characters). Out of the above excerpts, Hewkii’s line, “But if something unfriendly does find it, we'll just have to take it from their dirty hands” stands out to me as being a lot better than the others, maybe because it has more “personality”; it feels distinctly like something that character would say. Most of the other lines could be switched to more or less any other Toa or dinosaur in the scene (for several, it wouldn’t even matter which of the two universes the speaker came from), and there would be no discernable difference. I think I may be drifting slightly from the subject I was originally commenting on, :unsure: but what I’m saying is that in conversations like this one, you have a lot of different characters speaking, but apart from the ones who have specific overall speech patterns like Kongu, Petrie, and Ducky, there’s almost no difference between the ways different characters speak. One could just as easily imagine a line spoken by Littlefoot as being spoken by Jaller; the dialogue doesn’t do much to reflect the varying personalities of the characters. This isn’t to say that everything Cera says has to sound overtly stubborn, surly, or impetuous, or that all of Ducky’s lines have to include one of her catchphrases, but I think the dialogue in this story would be a lot more interesting if the characters’ lines reflected the subtle differences in speech habits everyone has. For instance, even if two characters have a “perfect” standard grasp of English, there are bound to be slight differences in their respective vocabularies; words one character will use that the other won’t. It helps be to imagine each line being spoken aloud in the voice of the character in question, to see if the words being used sound “right” for them. This may be even more important for your Bionicle characters than for the gang. For anyone reading this story who hasn’t seen the movies, I’m guessing it’s very difficult to discern differences in the Bionicle characters’ personalities and identities from their dialogue alone (Kongu’s Le-Matoran speak notwithstanding); it certainly is for me. Of course, it’s one thing for me to suggest this to you as a means of improving your story; it’s infinitely more difficult to actually implement it in your writing. I just thought I’d bring it up. Sorry if I’m putting excessive pressure and criticism on you and your story. :unsure:
The rain had completely stopped by the time the group of Toa and young dinosaurs had arrived at the Matoran village.
Remove “had”.
“Let's assume for a moment that there really is a city at the bottom of the sea. Now let's assume that Matoran came from that city. If he were to have swam from down there all the way to the surface, that could have been lethal for him.”
Should be “swum”.
I almost forgot; I’m impressed by how little text you borrowed for this chapter. And I like the way you reworded the paragraph about Axonn’s digging of the pit. :yes
Chapter 22
I really liked the opening conversation in this chapter. This one felt a lot more “real” compared to the last one I critiqued, and was so much more entertaining. Cera, Ducky, Littlefoot, and Chomper’s lines had so much more life to them. (Honestly, reading those two conversations consecutively within a short time frame was like taking a breath of fresh air after stepping out of a musty cellar. Character-distinctive speech traits in dialogue make that much difference, at least to me.)
For some reason I couldn’t help but chuckle at Littlefoot’s line, “So, Chomper... what was it like to be split in two?”. :lol Oh, poor Chomper. His explanation of what it was likeóhaving separate memories from two different versions of himselfówas excellent as well.
“I don't know, but one thing is certain: it's not friendly.”
Who was it, specifically, who spoke this line?
A few more of those creatures stepped out of the shadows.
There’s something about the use of “those” that doesn’t feel right here. I would change the highlighted portion to “creatures like it”.
I liked how you cut from the scene where the group chooses a tunnel to the point where they’re all stuck. :lol There was also something refreshing about seeing the group getting in an argument. Beforehand, there’d hardly been any disagreements among them, unless you count the Toa ordering the gang to stay behind, and after so many conversations with pretty much everyone agreeing on their next course of action and their dedication to the cause at hand, this scene contributed some much-needed variety to the group dynamic. The descriptions of the characters’ positions were also quite amusing hilarious, and helped a lot in visualizing the scene. :lol
“Though you have to admit, we were kind of in a rush,” said Littlefoot, who was stuck behind Cera because, for his size, he couldn't fit through the gap in the rocks. His head and neck was sticking out through the gap, while the rest of his body felt squeezed.
I would change “for” to “due to”, and “was” should be “were”.
“Honestly, Hewkii, there's a reason you haven't seen me try to drill through this rock,” added Nuapru.
Typo in Nuparu’s name.
I hope you don’t mind me thinking out loud a little, but at first I thought it was a little odd that the Zyglak didn’t try to follow the group down the tunnel, since they must have known they’d be trapped. Then it occurred to me that if they had followed, they would have risked becoming stuck themselves (how big are the Zyglak, by the way?), and if the Toa had tried to fight back in the enclosed space, they might accidentally breach the walls of the tunnel and drown them all (though maybe the Zyglak didn’t know about the water outside any more than the gang did). By simply blocking the way back and trapping them there, the Zyglak would ensure that their victims either suffered a slow, torturous death wedged in the tunnel, or that they would eventually try to return the way they came, allowing the Zyglak to kill them themselves. Fortunately for the gang, they apparently didn’t take breaking into the subjacent tunnel into account.
Overall, I enjoyed this chapter a lot. (I daresay it’s one of my favorites so far, if not my most favorite.) It was extremely entertaining/funny, I found the Zyglak very interesting, and I love that it was entirely original material. I hope you write more chapters like this. :smile
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Pangaea: I guess chapter 21 ended up being more like a filler chapter, since I didn't want the scenes at the end of chapters 20 and 21 to be on the same chapter. Next time I end up with a chapter like that, I'll focus more on quality than on reaching some minimum length. I'm glad you liked chapter 22, but I have a feeling you'll like the next one even more.
Here's the next chapter, featuring the return of one of my favorite Bionicle characters.
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Chapter 23
Failed Revenge
The group of Toa and young dinosaurs continued their journey down the Cord to find the Mask of Life. The massive tunnel had now shrunk to an average size ó still comfortably large, but small enough to keep everyone cautious. After narrowly escaping the Zyglak, nobody knew just what else could be hiding in the twisted tunnels.
All of the six Toa Inika held their weapons at the ready, anticipating the threat of an ambush. Toa Kongu was using his Kanohi mask power to scan for the thoughts of anyone besides his teammates. Eventually, he managed to detect something. They were sinister thoughts, and the being they belonged to was approaching the group.
“Hold it, everyone,” said Kongu as he immediately stopped walking. Everyone stopped and turned to face Kongu.
“What is it?” asked Jaller.
“We're being quick-followed,” answered Kongu.
“By who?” asked Littlefoot, cautiously.
Kongu didn't respond. Instead, he quickly turned back and fired his laser crossbow, resulting in a brief clanging noise. Everyone immediately looked back and saw a certain seventh Piraka, looking down at his weapon on the ground.
The Piraka glanced at the group before reaching down to pick up his weapon. With the spear back in his grasp, he turned his attention back to the others. “Surpriiiiiise!” he exclaimed in a sing-song voice. “I'm baaaaaack!”
“Vezon,” growled Chomper, his fists clenched tightly in anger.
“What are you doing here?” demanded Hewkii.
“I'm here to take back what you stole from me!” responded Vezon, before Kongu fired his laser crossbow again, shooting the Spear of Fusion out of his hand. Vezon glanced at the Toa Inika of Air before picking up his weapon again.
“If you want the Mask of Life, then all I can say is tough luck!” taunted Cera. “We don't have it right now.”
“Ah, but you know where it is, right?” responded Vezon. “Why else would you be in a place like this?” He then raised the Spear of Fusion threateningly. “Now tell me where the mask is, and nobody gets turned into a monster.”
Kongu fired his laser crossbow again, shooting the spear out of Vezon's hand yet again. This time, Vezon glared at him and exclaimed, “Stop doing that!”
“I will... if you turn around and quick-return to Voya Nui,” said Kongu.
Vezon picked up the Spear of Fusion, yet again. “Not likely,” he smirked.
“Don't you realize the odds are against you, this time?” said Matoro. “Without the Mask of Life, you'reó”
The Toa Inika of Ice was cut off by Vezon suddenly tackling him. The seventh Piraka then grabbed his head and slammed it against the wall of the tunnel. “You stole my mask!” he exclaimed, before slamming Matoro's head against the wall again. “You took away my powers!” He slammed Matoro's head again. “And made my pet run away, too!” Immediately after slamming Matoro's head a fourth time, a large chunk of the wall flew off and slammed into Vezon's face, sending the Piraka to the floor.
Ruby ran over to Matoro and asked, “Are you okay, Matoro?”
Matoro rubbed his head as he muttered, “I'll be fine.”
Toa Hewkii looked down at Vezon's unconscious body sprawled out on the floor of the tunnel. “There, that shut him up,” he said with satisfaction.
Nuparu patted the Toa of Stone on the back and said, “Nice work, Hewkii. That'll show that pest why he shouldn't mess with Toa after losing his powers.”
Littlefoot ó who had also checked to make sure Matoro was okay ó looked back and saw Chomper with his hands on the Spear of Fusion, trying to pry it out of Vezon's hand. “Chomper? What are you doing?” he asked the little Sharptooth.
Chomper's expression remained as furious as ever. “I'm going to make him pay for what he did to me,” he replied. Being so little, he struggled to even lift the weapon off the floor.
Ruby turned her attention to Chomper. As his caretaker, she felt that it was her duty to talk him out of such madness. “Chomper, you don't have to do this,” said Ruby. “Vezon is already defeated, so that is something you should not have to do.”
“Besides, Vezon already knows what it's like to be split apart,” reminded Littlefoot. “Remember, he used to be part of Vezok.”
“He's right, Chomper,” added Hahli. “There's nothing to be gained from turning that weapon against him.”
Chomper stood still for a moment, debating in his mind whether or not he should follow his friends' advice. Despite his intense hatred of the seventh Piraka, he concluded that they were right. Vezon was already down and out; there was no need to be vengeful and mutilate his body. Reluctantly, he let go of the spear.
With that issue over with, Jaller pointed his sword down the tunnel and said, “Now let's get out of here before he wakes up.”
Everyone silently agreed and began to follow the Toa of Fire. Hahli had only gone two steps when she suddenly felt someone grab her ankle and throw her backwards, away from the group. The others looked back to see Vezon tackling Hahli before holding her in front on his body as a hostage.
“Too late, Toa!” taunted the seventh Piraka. “I'm already set for round two!”
“Get your hands off her!” demanded Jaller.
“And why should I?” questioned Vezon. “After all, this Toa has a mask power that can take me to the Mask of Life.”
Having dropped her weapon when she was thrown back, Hahli struggle to free herself. “If that's all you want, why don't you just take my mask and run off!?” asked Hahli, hoping for a way out of this situation unharmed.
“Ah, but where's the fun in that?” continued Vezon. “I have my eyes on more than just your mask. I'm also in need of some new powers, and I know just how to take them.” He then spun the spear in his hand so that it was now pointed at himself, as well as his hostage.
Jaller quickly realized what Vezon was trying to do. If Vezon fused himself with Hahli, he would gain her mask power and elemental powers. Jaller glared at the Piraka and exclaimed, “You wouldn't dare!”
“Watch me,” mocked Vezon. Before he could make another move, he was suddenly hit in the head by a large rock that was hurled at him, sending him down onto his back. Hahli immediately dove for her weapon and rejoined the others.
“Yeah!” cheered Hewkii. “Two points for Hewkii!”
Vezon quickly jumped back to his feet. “Ten points for Vezon!” he retorted as he began to power up the Spear of Fusion. He then felt some added weight on the spear, causing him to lose his balance and fall over. Once he stood back up, he saw what the problem was: the spear and his entire right arm now had a thick coating of ice, courtesy of Toa Matoro. “What an inconvenience,” he muttered.
As soon as Vezon turned his attention back to the Toa, Toa Kongu unleashed a large gust of wind that sent the Piraka flying back through the tunnel. Once he finally came to a stop, Vezon jumped back to his feet again and ran back to the Toa. By the time he was only a few bio away from them, he was brought to a sudden ó and painful ó stop when Toa Nuparu thrust forward a wall of earth. The impact sent the Piraka hard onto his back. Despite all of the pounding he just took, Vezon was able to remain conscious ó though he could do little more than groan in pain on the ground.
“Jeez, does that guy not know when to give up?” said Cera, saying what was on everyone's minds at that particular moment.
As he watched Vezon slowly stand back up, Jaller knew he had to come up with a plan. Cera's right, Vezon certainly doesn't want to go down without a fight, thought Jaller. With the Zyglak possibly behind us, we can't afford to waste any more time stopping just one Piraka. He may not have many powers left, but he still has that Spear of Fusion. I have to get it out of his hands, and make sure he doesn't get it back.
Once Vezon was finally back on his feet, he shook his head to clear away his dazed state. He looked down at his still-frozen arm before slamming it against the wall of the tunnel, shattering the ice. Vezon tapped his chin in thought as he said, “Hm, now where was I? Oh yes! Now I remember! Okay, Toa, time toó”
“Drop it!” shouted Jaller, pointing his sword at the Spear of Fusion, where he began to concentrate his elemental power.
Vezon quickly felt the spear in his hand begin to heat up. Within seconds, the spear had gotten so unbearably hot that he was forced to let go of it. “YEOW!!” he shouted, shaking his hand around in pain. “Hot! Hot! Hot!” He then jumped back as the spear was suddenly engulfed in flames from Jaller's sword.
“This weapon will never harm another being again!” declared Jaller as he continued to fire a jet of flame directly at the spear on the ground. Eventually, the Toa of Fire ceased the inferno. All that was left of the Spear of Fusion was a pile of ashes.
“Noooooo!” shouted Vezon as he fell to his knees. “The last of my powers! And it's gone! Gone!”
“How pathetic,” muttered Cera as she and her friends watched the Piraka sob over the remains of his weapon.
“Nice work, Jaller,” said Chomper with satisfaction, looking up at the Toa of Fire. “Now he'll never be able to do bad things with that spear ever again.”
“Too bad he's now stuck without things Vezok has, like his sanity,” said Littlefoot, starting to feel a little sympathetic for the now-powerless Piraka.
“Oh yeah?” threatened Vezon as he stood up and began to slowly walk towards the kids. “How about I show you what having no sanity can do to you!?”
Hewkii immediately grabbed Vezon by the neck and shoved him against the wall of the tunnel. “Enough with the insanity,” he said with mild annoyance. “You've said it yourself: You're powerless. You're nothing. What can you possibly do to stop us?”
Vezon struggled within the tight grip of the Toa Inika of Stone. “Hm, I don't know. Maybe you should ask them,” he said casually with a glance to the side.
Hewkii and the others turned to see who Vezon was talking about, and immediately wished they hadn't. Standing in the middle of the tunnel in the direction the group had come from were a few Zyglak, armed and ready to fight.
“Uh-oh. They followed us,” said Littlefoot, his voice filled with dread.
“And they're not going anywhere until we're all dead,” finished Matoro.
“In that case, they can start with this one,” said Hewkii, before flinging Vezon towards the Zyglak.
Vezon landed right in front of the Zyglak. He looked up to see spears and daggers pointed at his face. He immediately jumped to his feet and held up his hands in defense. “Whoa! Hey! You don't want to hurt me! I'm on your side!” he quickly pleaded.
The Zyglak gave him questioning looks, as if it wasn't a response any of them had expected.
Vezon quickly realized things were starting to turn in his favor, and he intended to take full advantage of it. “That's right! I despise Mata Nui!” he continued, as if to advertise himself. “But they...” He gestured towards the group of Toa and young dinosaurs. “They worship him with their very lives. If there's anybody in this tunnel that you should kill today, it should be them, and not me.” Vezon crossed his arms in satisfaction, confident that these savage creatures would fall for his wit and charm.
“Us doomed,” said Petrie flatly with pessimism.
The Zyglak looked at one another before finally making their move. Two of them reached forward and grabbed Vezon by the arms.
“What? Hey!” exclaimed Vezon as the Zyglak began to drag him away. “I said take them! Not me! Them! Not me! Not MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
As the Zyglak vacated the tunnel, the others could only stare in shock at what they just witnessed. “Didn't quick-see that coming,” said Kongu.
After a few seconds of silence, Hewkii finally suggested, “Let's run away before they come back.”
As one, everyone quickly turned around and rushed further down the tunnel.
________
Once again, the group was forced to come to a stop when they encountered another divergence in the tunnel. “Which way do we go this time?” asked Ducky.
“Well, going right turned out to be bad last time, so let's go left,” suggested Cera, already starting for the left tunnel.
“Oh no you don't!” exclaimed Hewkii as he grabbed Cera by the tail and roughly dragged her back to the others. “We're done taking orders from you,” he scolded.
Cera glared at the Toa of Stone and said, “Okay, Mr. Rock Head, which way do you think we should go?”
Ruby stepped in between the two and said, “Cera, Hewkii, please don't fight. Just because we don't know which way to go doesn't mean we need to fight each other over how we decide which way to go.”
“She's right, let's not waste any more time than we have to,” said Jaller. He turned to Matoro and said, “Use your mask power and scout ahead.”
“And make sure you can put us on the ever-quickest path,” added Kongu.
Matoro looked down the tunnels reluctantly before replying, “Okay, but if the Zyglak try to attack, grab my body and just run. I'll be back in a few minutes.” He then activated his mask power, releasing his spirit and causing his body to fall limp to the floor.
Everyone waited patiently for Matoro to return. A few minutes later, Matoro's body was reanimated, so they immediately assumed that he had returned from his scouting mission. “Which way, Matoro?” asked Jaller.
Matoro said nothing. He simply pointed toward the tunnel on the right.
“Ha! Told you so!” gloated Hewkii.
Cera simply looked down in frustration as she followed the others down the tunnel.
After walking just a few steps, Ruby looked up at Matoro and asked, “After we walk through this tunnel, what is the next tunnel we will have to walk through?”
Matoro seemed to ignore Ruby's question.
Hewkii glanced back at Matoro, then turned to Kongu and said, “Not much of a talker now, is he?”
Kongu turned back to Matoro as they continued walking. “Come on, has our ice friend suddenly become a real Ko-Matoran?” he joked. His face fell when he got no response. He turned forward and said, “I'll take that as a yes.”
Hewkii elbowed the Toa of Air and said, “I'm serious.” He glanced back at Matoro before turning his attention back to Kongu. “Something doesn't seem right.”
Littlefoot overheard the conversation, so he turned to Matoro and asked, “Are you okay, Matoro?”
Just seconds after that question was asked, the entire tunnel was suddenly plunged into darkness. “Light, please!” exclaimed Kongu, who assumed that Jaller's flame had simply gone out.
“My flame is on,” replied Jaller. “I can feel the heat, but... I can't see a thing.”
“Me, neither,” admitted Nuparu. “Something tells me this isn't natural.”
Everyone suddenly heard Hahli scream. “Someone just took my mask!” she exclaimed.
Everyone began muttering to each other as they began to panic. However, Hewkii was starting to see a connection between all of the strange things that were happening. The only problem was all of the noise that was now surrounding him. “Everyone, quiet! Quiet! QUIET!!” he shouted, finally bringing silence to the frightened group. “I think I know what's going on here,” he continued. “I just need toó Whoa!” he tripped over something and fell over.
“That was me,” admitted Cera. “Sorry.”
Hewkii stood back up and began to feel his way through the complete darkness. “Okay, let's see... That's Ruby right there, so that means... Aha! There you are!” Hewkii grabbed the being in front of him and shoved him back until he slammed into the wall of the tunnel.
The noise caught everyone by surprise. “What was that?” asked Chomper.
Hewkii ignored the little Sharptooth. “Quit hiding behind the shadows!” he exclaimed to the person he had pinned to the wall. “I know I've got you!”
“Who do you have?” asked Littlefoot.
A few seconds later, the cloak of shadows was lifted from the tunnel. Thanks to the light from Jaller's flame, everyone was now able to see who it was that Hewkii had pinned to the wall: Toa Matoro.
To say that Ruby was shocked by this sight would have been a huge understatement. “What are you doing!? Put him down!” she shouted, trying in vain to pull the Toa of Stone away from Matoro.
“Are you sure you got the right guy?” asked Cera with uncertainty.
“Oh, I'm sure of it, alright,” replied Hewkii. “Just look at what's in his hand.”
Everyone looked down and saw, in Matoro's left hand, Hahli's Kanohi mask.
“Matoro, how could you?” asked Hahli, devastated that her teammate would do such a thing.
“No!” exclaimed Ruby, now crying almost hysterically. “That can't be Matoro! The Matoro I know would never do what you're saying this Matoro just did!”
“You're right, Ruby,” said Hewkii, before turning to glare at the Toa of Ice in his grasp. “This is not Matoro.”
Kongu began to slowly back away as he said, “Okay, am I the only one here not going mad-crazy?”
“Relax, Kongu, I think it all makes sense now,” replied Jaller. “Matoro's Kanohi mask power can only separate his spirit from his body. It doesn't ensure that they can come back together. His spirit could still be scouting the tunnels up ahead, as we speak.”
“But if that's not Matoro's spirit inside his body... whose is it?” asked Littlefoot as he and the others slowly turned to look at who they had thought was Matoro. Everyone was getting a bad feeling about what the answer might be.
Once everyone's attention was focused on him, “Matoro's” eyes turned red. “It seems you are not as incompetent as I had expected.” he said. His voice was definitely not Matoro's, but one that was more dark and sinister.
Hahli gasped. “I... I recognize that voice,” she said in shock. “It's Makuta!”
The gang gasped in shock. They had encountered Makuta once back in their universe, so they knew who he was. Even though they had emerged victorious on that encounter, the gang still felt great fear at being face-to-face with him again.
“Wait, hold on!” exclaimed a very confused Kongu. “I thought he was crushed-flattened by that big door to Metru Nui!”
“Oh, you wish that were true, don't you?” replied Makuta through Matoro's body.
“Then how did you survive?” asked Nuparu.
Makuta chuckled before replying, “If I could be killed that easily, I would have been dead thousands of years ago, and many times over. All that door did was destroy my armor. Let's just say my species has evolved beyond the need of a body like this one.”
“If you don't need that body, then why don't you just leave it right now!?” said Hewkii, threateningly.
“I have my reasons,” Makuta simply said.
“Have you been following us this whole time?” asked Cera, finally working up the courage to say something to the Master of Shadows.
“In a way, yes,” replied Makuta, “though you may not have recognized me back at the Piraka Stronghold.”
“You mean... that virus the Piraka used to enslave the Matoran... that was you?” asked Nuparu.
“Kongu did say that stuff was alive,” Littlefoot pointed out. “I just never thought that it could have been Makuta, except... without a body.”
“I'd like to see this pest bodiless again,” taunted Hewkii to the “Toa” in his grasp.
“Matoro” glared at Hewkii. “You might want to reconsider your choice of words, Toa,” he said. Dark energies began to crackle in his right hand, ready to strike.
Hewkii moved quickly and managed to pin “Matoro's” right wrist against the wall in a painful position. “You might want to reconsider your choice of a body, Makuta,” retorted Hewkii. “You may be the Master of Shadows, but you're occupying a Toa's body, and you should know how easy it is to destroy one.”
The gang looked at each other in concern. “Uh, Hewkii, you're not really thinking about destroying Matoro's body... right?” asked Ruby, worriedly.
“The young one brings up a good point,” said Makuta. “No matter what you try, I will still be able to escape death. What do you have to gain from killing this body?”
“Only what you have to lose,” Kongu suddenly spoke up. “I have to admit, your mind is like an ever-strong fortress, but thanks to my mask power, I was able to quick-find one important fact: You need Matoro. Your ever-cluttered mind can't tell me why, but you need Matoro alive.”
“And if we destroy Matoro's body, we lose Matoro himself, and you lose a valuable key to your plans,” finished Jaller.
Hewkii grinned as he stared threateningly at Makuta in Matoro's body. “So you can leave under your own power, or we can force you out. What's it going to be?”
Nobody said a word. It was now a tense stand-off on whether or not Makuta would take their threat seriously. After more than a minute had passed, Makuta finally said, “Very well. You win this round, but this won't be the last you'll see of me. My plans are already laid out, and ultimate victory will be mine.” With those parting words, his red eyes went out and Matoro's body fell limp. Makuta was now bodiless again.
Now that Matoro's body was empty again, Hewkii loosened his grip and carefully set it down on the floor. Hahli also reached over to retrieve her mask.
“What now?” asked Petrie.
“We wait for Matoro to come back ó the real Matoro,” replied Jaller.
“Should we tell him about what happened to his body while he was away from his body?” asked Ruby.
“I don't know,” responded Cera, “how would you feel if you left your body for a while and later came back to it, only to find out that the biggest bad guy in the world had been using it for a few minutes?”
“I see what you mean,” said Ruby, looking down.
“Still, he's going to wonder why we're now in a different tunnel,” Nuparu pointed out.
“We'll just blame it on the Zyglak,” said Hewkii with a shrug. “It's as good a reason as any.”
Hahli, with her Kanohi mask back on, began looking around to find Matoro's spirit. “Well, at least he won't find out on his own,” she said. “I don't see Matoro anyó Oh, wait! Here he comes.”
Just seconds later, Matoro's eyes suddenly opened before he sat up on the ground. He looked around in confusion and asked, “Why did you guys go without my advice?”
“The Zyglak followed us again,” lied Jaller. “We managed to hold them off long enough to escape down this tunnel.”
“Well, at least you picked the right tunnel,” remarked Matoro as he began to stand up. “The other one wasó Ow!” He grabbed his right shoulder as he suddenly felt an awful pain in it, as if his right arm had been twisted in a way it shouldn't have been. “Okay, who was responsible for carrying my body?”
“That was my fault,” admitted Hewkii. “Sorry. I tend to be a little careless when I'm running for my life.”
“Well, let's just hope I don't have to use my mask power again,” said Matoro as he tried to shrug off the pain. “Alright, follow me.” He began to lead the group further down the tunnel.
Hoping to get a real answer this time, Ruby turned to Matoro and asked, “After we walk through this tunnel, what is the next tunnel we will have to walk through?”
“Somewhere up ahead, we need to take the tunnel on the left,” answered Matoro. “Further on, we need to take the one on the right. After that, well... I guess it doesn't matter which way we go. All of the tunnels start to weave through one another.”
“Something tells me things are about to get bad-worse,” grumbled Kongu.
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Read and review, as always. Don't worry, you haven't seen the last of Vezon. He'll show up again later on in this story, though it won't be for a while.
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Whether I need to say it or not, I’m sorry for the ridiculous lateness of this review. :oops This was definitely a pretty good chapter, though for some reason I didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as the last one (Sorry to disappoint you, Chronicler :unsure:).
Cera glared at the Toa of Stone and said, “Okay, Mr. Rock Head, which way do you[II] think we should go?”
I loved this line. :lol It’s hilarious to hear Cera using a Toa’s elemental nature as the basis for an insult.
The Toa Inika of Ice was cut-off by Vezon suddenly tackling him without warning.
Should be “cut off”, with no hyphen.
Nuparu pat the Toa of Stone on the back and said, “Nice work, Hewkii. That'll show that pest why he shouldn't mess with Toa after losing his powers.”
Should be “patted”.
Standing in the middle of the tunnel in the direction the group had come from were a few Zyglak, armed and ready to fight.
Should be “were”.
“Us doomed,” said Petrie pessimistically.
My other favorite line in the chapter. :lol I especially liked it because I imagined Petrie saying it in a flat voice, rather than the shrill, panicked tone he usually uses when confronted with disaster. (I suspect that’s what you intended.)
“What? Hey!” exclaimed Vezon as he began to be dragged away by the Zyglak.
I’m not certain that this sentence is grammatically incorrect, but it sounds strange to me. Personally, I would change it to “as the Zyglak began to drag him away”.
You're ever-cluttered mind can't tell me why, but you need Matoro alive.
Should be “your”.
I’d be really interested to know why the Zyglak made the decision to take Vezon instead of the gang; did they go for him simply because he was a closer and easier target, and they still considered him an enemy on principle of being associated with Mata Nui (even if he claims to hate him), or is there a more complicated reason for it? I can imagine there being much more to the Zyglak and their backstory than what has been revealed so far, though I sadly doubt we’ll be seeing anything like that (I admit that I’ve already read a little more of the Bionicle Wiki than I probably should have if I’d wanted to avoid spoilers for this story :oops).
The scene where Matoro is possessed by Makuta was another particularly notable scene in this chapter. In some ways I thought it was well done; I certainly wasn’t expecting Makuta to be the culprit. I think it could have been even more surprising, though, if the possession hadn’t been hinted at before the characters noticed something was wrong. Also, seeing as the LBT gang had had a memorable encounter with Makuta themselves in your last story, I think they should have reacted a bit more to meeting him again. On a different note, I have the suspicion that not telling Matoro about Makuta possessing him is going to come back to haunt the gang in one way or another. :unsure:
Good luck to you on writing the next chapter, Chronicler, and let’s hope that I can clean up my act a little by then, eh? :rolleyes
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Pangaea: To tell you the truth, I'm actually kind of glad you took a while to review that chapter. Nearly three months, and it was only last week that I finally finished writing the next chapter. It's not as long as the last few, but I've just not had a lot of free time lately to actually do the writing. In addition, the Bionicle Wiki had some issues about two months ago, where nearly all of their content disappeared. Fortunately, none of it was permanently lost, though there's still a lot left to re-upload, including many of the images I was hoping to link to for future chapters, (I don't need any for this chapter, but I will for the next chapter) so I'll need to be patient for that, as well.
Sorry for taking so long, but now I finally have the next chapter done. The gang and the Toa are about to enter a new region.
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Chapter 24
Running from Zyglak
The further the group went down the tunnels of the Cord, the more anxious they were to reach the end of it and get out. Of course, since they were heading to a place that was underwater, “getting out” was going to be a bit of a problem. With all of the trouble they had encountered so far, none of them had had the luxury to even think of a plan for what they would do once they got there.
For now, all they had were Matoro's directions. It wasn't long until the tunnel split in two directions again. Matoro reminded everyone to take the one on the left, so another needless argument was avoided.
The group had just reached the next divergence in the tunnel when they faintly heard the now-familiar noise of spears striking stone.
“Oh no!” exclaimed Littlefoot in panic. “They found us again!”
Everyone looked back in time to see three Zyglak come around a bend in the tunnel and charge at them. While the Toa stood their ground, the young dinosaurs turned forward and began to run further down the tunnel.
“Go right! Go right!” shouted Matoro.
The gang, who were about to unwittingly take the left tunnel, skidded to a halt and rushed into the right tunnel, silently thanking Matoro.
Toa Hewkii took immediate action and brought down parts of the stone ceiling onto the Zyglak. The creatures quickly shrugged it off and continued advancing.
“Mata Nui, what's it going to take to stop these guys?” wondered Hewkii, starting to lose his patience with the Zyglak.
“I don't think there is a way,” answered Nuparu. “We may have to just keep going and hold them off on the run.”
“Either way, we need to stay with the kids and make sure they're okay,” said Jaller, already beginning to follow the gang down the tunnel. The rest of the Toa soon followed. As they ran, one of the Toa would occasionally do whatever they could to at least stall the Zyglak to keep them away.
At one point, Hahli tripped. As she tried to get up, one Zyglak jumped towards her and managed to grab onto her leg. Hahli screamed as she felt a burning sensation all over the area of contact on her leg.
Toa Kongu moved quickly by pinning down Hahli with his weapon and unleashing a large gust of wind, hurling the Zyglak back up the tunnel.
Jaller, Ruby, and Cera rushed to Hahli's side. “Are you okay?” asked Jaller.
Hahli winced as the burning pain continued to take hold. “I forgot to mention their skin contains a virus that destroys organic material,” she said. “It spreads through contact, so it doesn't take much for it to start slowly killing you.”
Jaller and Kongu glanced down at Hahli's leg and saw the acid-like virus slowly eating away at the flesh. “There must be a quick-fix to this!” exclaimed Kongu, not wanting to lose a fellow Toa Inika.
Jaller sighed. There was a solution he knew of, but he also knew Hahli might not like it. “Please forgive me for this,” he said as he pointed his sword at the injured leg. He then scorched the affected area with a brief but strong flame. Hahli shouted in pain, but it was thankfully short-lived.
“What did you do that for!?” asked Cera in shock.
“If there's one thing fire can do to heal, it's destroy an infection,” replied Jaller. “I made sure everyone in the Guard knew of this, in the event of a worst case scenario.” As he looked down at Hahli's injured leg, he said to her, “I know it looks bad, but at least it shouldn't get any worse.”
“At least he was able to destroy that virus before it destroyed you,” added Ruby.
Hahli rubbed her injury and said, “Yes, that's true, though I don't think I'll be able to keep up with everyone.”
“Here, I'll help you,” said Jaller as he let Hahli put her arm around his shoulders so he could help her up to her feet. They knew the injury was going to slow everyone down, but at least they would be able to keep moving.
“We'd better quick-flee!” exclaimed Kongu, using his mask power. “They're coming back!”
As he helped Hahli limp her way down the tunnel, Jaller turned to Matoro and asked, “Which way do we go from here?”
Toa Matoro just shrugged and said, “I don't know. The tunnels just go all over the place from this point on.”
“But what are we supposed to do?” asked Chomper. “Now there's three tunnels in front of us.”
Jaller, Hahli, Kongu, and Matoro went around the next of many turns in the tunnel and saw what had made the rest of the group stop. Sure enough, the tunnel now diverged in three directions.
Hoping for a quick solution, Cera asked, “Hey, Matoro? Do you know if any of the tunnels come together again at some point?”
“I'm not sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if they did,” answered the Toa Inika of Ice. “I lost count of how many intersections I found in the area in front of us.”
“Then let's just go our own ways,” suggested Cera. “I don't think it matters which way we go, anymore.”
“And end up lost-wandering?” asked Petrie in shock. It was no secret how much he hated tunnels, but the idea of getting separated from his friends in a place like this simply terrified him.
“I think Cera's suggesting that we split up,” explained Littlefoot. “It'll force those Zyglak to have more ground to cover, and as long as we each stay with at least one Toa, we should be fine.”
A crude spear suddenly flew through the tunnel and struck the stone wall just inches away from Nuparu's head. The Zyglak were now right behind them.
“Run now, talk later!” exclaimed Kongu as he quickly dashed into one of the tunnels. The rest of the group soon followed, splitting up into three equal groups. Nobody cared where their tunnel would take them, as long as it was away from the Zyglak.
Just as Cera had hoped, the tunnels did cross through one another in a countless number of ways. Groups frequently split up, merged, and split up again as they attempted to lose the pursuing Zyglak.
Chomper struggled to keep up with Ruby, Spike, and Ducky before falling through a hole in the floor, landing him in front of Jaller and Hahli. “Coming through,” he muttered as he stood back up and continued running. The two Toa then resumed their relatively slow pace.
Kongu tried hopping into an adjacent tunnel through a hole in the wall, but it was only big enough for him to fit his head and one arm through. “Come on!” he shouted in frustration. Right behind him, one of the Zyglak threw his spear at Kongu, but barely missed and instead smashed through the rocky wall and caused the hole to widen a bit. “Thanks,” said Kongu. He then kicked the Zyglak in the face and leaped through the hole, somersaulting along the floor once before regaining his footing. He may have not thought about that Zyglak virus, but at least the fact that the bottom of a Toa's foot is entirely armor meant that he didn't have to worry about it anyway.
Hewkii and Nuparu ran down separate tunnels, but when the tunnels merged, the two Toa collided head-on. Not wasting a moment on some cutting remark, they quickly got back on their feet and continued down the next tunnel.
Littlefoot was in a tunnel with such a low ceiling that when he saw a hole in it, he able to stick his head up through it. Looking forward, he saw Matoro rush right past him, over his head. Littlefoot looked back to see a crude dagger flying towards him. He screamed as he ducked his head to avoid the lethal projectile.
Eventually, all six Toa Inika and all seven young dinosaurs came back together into one group. They looked back and saw the group of Zyglak was right behind them. Not only that, but it seemed even more Zyglak had joined the fight, doubling from three to six in total.
Toa Hewkii decided to simply block off the tunnel by using his elemental powers to rip off a long slab of stone from the wall and rotate it so that it sealed off the passage between his group and the Zyglak.
“Did it stop them?” asked Ducky.
After a tense moment of silence, the stone barrier began to crack. The group could hear a series of dull impacts coming from the other side. Within seconds, the stone barrier crumbled, followed by numerous Zyglak as they used their own bodies as battering rams against the stone. Once a few of them had made it through, they immediately hurled their spears and daggers at the Toa and young dinosaurs, forcing the group to duck and dodge.
Toa Kongu looked up at a crude dagger embedded in the stone where his head had been just seconds ago. “Just once ó just once! ó I'd like to take a trip-walk without someone trying to kill me!” he exclaimed.
Cera dodged another flying spear. “You have no idea how many times I've had that thought before!” she exclaimed.
Jaller let Nuparu carry Hahli for a moment so he could focus on the Zyglak. As the group continued running down the tunnel, Jaller briefly turned back and hurled a blast of fire from his sword at the charging Zyglak. It didn't work as much as he had hoped, doing little more than forcing them to momentarily slow down. Even worse, more Zyglak were coming in through every side tunnel behind the group. We can't keep doing this! thought Jaller, as he continued to dodge every spear and dagger that was thrown at him. We need to get out of these tunnels now!
“I hear water up ahead!” Hahli suddenly shouted.
The group listened carefully over the noise of the Zyglak's weapons and they were barely able to notice the sound of rushing water. Considering where they were, that could only mean nothing but bad news. They came around yet another bend in the tunnel and were stopped dead in their tracks by what they saw. There was a large gap in the stone wall, allowing tons of seawater to gush into the tunnel. Going any further down the tunnel was out of the question, as it was already completely flooded up ahead.
“Anybody have a Toa canister in their pack?” asked Hewkii. Not waiting for an answer, he continued, “Didn't think so. We might have stronger lungs than most, but that's a lot of water out there.”
More spears and daggers flew through the air and embedded themselves into the stone wall right behind the group. The Zyglak were closing in on them, fast.
“And that's a lot of Zyglak back there,” said Ruby, fearfully.
“Looks like the last one in the pool is skewered meat,” added Nuparu.
As if things weren't bad enough, the entire tunnel started to shake violently. The stone began to crack all over the place, fragments fell from the ceiling, and the gap widened even further, allowing even more water to rush through. This wasn't like a typical earthquake, however. The way the walls of the tunnel seemed to shift, it was more like something was trying to crush the tunnel from the outside. The tremors were enough to make even the Zyglak stop and look around at what was happening.
“Let's move!” ordered Toa Jaller. “We'll take our chances in the ocean.”
“Hold on,” said Hewkii. “I like a challenge as much as the next Toa, but ó Toa of Stone, remember? Even with a few lessons in my Matoran days, I still swim like a stone.”
The shaking intensified; enough to make the tunnel start to bend and warp like a tree branch. For once, the Zyglak were afraid. Looking at what was happening to their home, they would be fools to not feel terrified. Dropping their weapons, the Zyglak rushed back up the tunnel in panic.
“Whatever's out there can't be worse than what's in here,” replied Jaller. “I'll light up my sword even further. If I can get it to burn hot enough, it'll stay lit underwater. Follow my light ó and let's hope we can find an air pocket.”
The Toa Inika of Fire took a deep breath and dove through the gap in the wall. One by one, the rest of the Toa followed. With the tunnel around them collapsing, Littlefoot knew he and his friends had no choice but to follow the Toa.
“Me no know about this,” said a very nervous Petrie as he watched Littlefoot dive into the water, followed by Ducky, Spike, Ruby, and Chomper.
“Fine, you can stay here, but I'd much rather drown than to get crushed by this tunnel, or stabbed by those Zyglak,” stated Cera, before taking a deep breath and diving into the water.
Petrie looked around worriedly, realizing he was now all alone. The tunnel shook again, forcing him to make up his mind. “Wait for me!” he shouted, before he, too, took a deep breath and dove into the water.
Being a Swimmer, Ducky was very familiar with water. However, she quickly noticed that something wasn't right with this water. Instead of being refreshing and relaxing as she liked it, this water somehow felt like something that could bring pain and misery to anyone who dared to touch it. It was almost as if there was something... evil about it.
It wasn't long until the Toa and young dinosaurs saw what had been causing all of the damage and shaking in the tunnels. The light from Jaller's burning sword revealed a massive, eel-like creature with its body wrapped around the long and narrow column of stone that the group had just swam out of. Until now, they had no idea what the Cord looked like from the outside. For some reason, the creature was trying to crush it within its massive coils. Suddenly, the creature stopped squeezing and turned to the beings that had just come out of the Cord. It had noticed the light from Jaller's sword. The creature unwrapped itself from the Cord and started for the group.
Everyone's eyes widened in shock. Whatever this thing was, it intended to make a meal out of them. With the limited amount of air in their lungs, there was little they could do to stop this beast, but the Toa weren't going to let that stop them from trying.
Suddenly, everything turned white. A light so bright and intense that covering their eyes did virtually nothing to guard against the incredible illumination. The light was accompanied by waves of energy that began to affect their bodies. The pain was so great that they were forced to open their mouths and risk drowning. The monstrous creature, which was caught off-guard just as much as the others, was repelled by this strange phenomenon before any harm could come to it.
As all of this was happening, the group also heard a voice in their minds. Actually, it was more like an expression of an emotion. Somehow, they knew it was the Mask of Life, and it was calling for help.
How can we help the Mask of Life if we can't even help ourselves? thought Ruby, straining against the intense pain. We don't even know where the mask is! We can't even survive underwater!
It ended as suddenly as it had begun. Gone was the light, the waves of energy, and the pain. The six Toa and seven young dinosaurs floated silently and motionlessly in the water. To any outside observer, they would have appeared to be as good as dead.
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Read and review, as always. Yes, the next few chapters are not going to be mostly original for a while now, at least until the transition between this part and the next part. Hopefully, this part won't be quite as long as the first part.
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It unfortuneately seems like Pangaea has left the Gang of Five for a while, so I suppose I'll have to make up the gap. In my opinion this chapter is somewhat short, but it is apparent that your writing style has been developing quite a bit since I last reviewed this story.
These Zyglak must be quite mighty to be able to break through solid stone in such a short length of time. If they are that physically powerful, what need do they have for primative weapons such as daggers and spears? Either way I felt the gang was well integrated into the chapter, and by this point their presence seems quite seemless.
At the very end, was the white and painful light an intervention from an outside source or was it the eel shocking them? That part wasn't quite clear from the text.
Good luck and keep posting these chapters as you finish them,
Caustizer :angel
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This wonderful piece of work has been submitted to the fanfiction awards 2012. If you're reading this fanfiction, please cast your vote and review here (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=11269&hl=)!
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I should think that at this point that any apology from me for my complete and utter failure as a reviewer would be rather meaningless. :oops :( I don’t think there’s anything I can say to make up for it, so I’ll just let inform you right now about how ashamed I am of my performance and get on with my much belated review.
With all of the trouble they've encountered so far, none of them have had the luxury to even think of a plan for what they would do once they got there.
“They’ve” should be “they’d” or “they had”, and “have had” should be “had had”.
“Thanks,” said Kongu. He then kicked the Zyglak in the face and leaped through the hole, somersaulting along the floor once before regaining his footing.
Not an error, but when I read this, I couldn’t help but think, “Is it really a good idea to kick something that can spread a flesh-eating virus on contact?” Or are Matoran feet non-organic, and the virus can’t spread from them?
The series of short paragraphs describing what happens to various members of the gang after they split up and run down the splitting and converging tunnels was a great addition, providing some very enjoyable visuals and exciting scenes.
Cera dodged another flying spear. “You have no idea how many times I've had that thought, before!” she exclaimed.
Unneeded comma. Also, I loved this line. :lol
It wasn't long until the Toa and young dinosaurs saw what had been causing all of the damage and shaking in the tunnels. The light from Jaller's burning sword revealed a massive, eel-like creature with its body wrapped around what could only be the Cord.
I found this description to be a little bit confusing. Eventually I came to the conclusion that the Cord is like a giant air-filled stone straw, and the eel is constricting a section of it, causing it to spring a leak, through which the gang has just exited. If this is correct, it might be easier for readers to understand if you described them as having swum out of the Cord into the open sea and were now looking at the walls of the Cord from the outside.
I’m guessing the mysterious light source was either the Mask of Life or something from the Matoran community at the bottom of the ocean. Whatever it was, I’m guessing it was painful to the gang because it was intended to repel the eel, and had to be extremely powerful in order to do so.
Assuming you haven’t given up on this story, I encourage you to keep writing, with or without my reviews. Honestly I think that you’re a good enough writer that my feedback doesn’t make much difference in the quality of your chapters, so you shouldn’t keep your readers waiting on my account.
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Pangaea: I'm sure I've already said this, but I understand that you have things in real life to deal with, so I'm hardly ever annoyed by how long it takes for you to reply. (I guess I'm just used to it by now. :angel ) Besides, if anyone should be apologizing here, it's me. I finished college back in the first week of May, so I should have had plenty of time to work on the next chapter. While that's true, I just kept putting it off like a high school homework assignment, choosing to instead do other things. :oops :bang It was when you reviewed the last chapter that I finally decided to actually get back to work. That and the fact that the Bionicle Wiki is now fully restored had left me with no more excuses, so I figured it was time to stop goofing off. :neutral
Okay, I think you've all waited long enough. Time to move on to the next stage of the story.
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Chapter 25
The Underwater City
Littlefoot slowly began to wake up. He was in a dazed state, not sure of his surroundings. As his vision slowly began to clear up, one thing was becoming obvious: He was underwater!
The surge of panic at this realization caused him to gasp, not noticing until a split second later that doing such a thing was sure to doom him. But... it didn't. He was still alive... and breathing... underwater. This makes no sense, thought Littlefoot. I can't breathe underwater. But... why does this not feel any different from breathing air?
Littlefoot began to look around, trying to make sense of what was happening to him. He quickly noticed Cera floating past him, still unconscious. “Cera? Cera!” called Littlefoot.
Cera's eyes slowly opened, then snapped wide open as she made the same shocking discovery as Littlefoot did. “Littlefoot?” questioned Cera. “What's going on? What's happening?”
It wasn't long until the rest of the gang had recovered, all of them just as shocked and confused by what they were now experiencing.
Littlefoot had hundreds of questions, but he knew that only one of them could be answered right away. “Where are the Toa?” he asked his friends.
Chomper pointed to six figures treading water nearby and said, “I think that's them, but... they don't look like the Toa.”
It was true, these six Toa-like beings looked almost nothing like the Toa Inika. Their Kanohi masks appeared to be typical armor-like masks, not the unusual organic masks. While the Inika had armor that was shaped mostly the same for all six Toa, each of these beings had a unique shape to their armor. However, there were some similarities, such as the presence of strange, tube-like attachments to their masks. The one thing these beings seemed to have in common with the Toa Inika was the colors of their armor.
“Relax, kids, it is us,” said the black-armored Toa, Nuparu. “And I'm sure you're just as confused as we are.”
“Um, Kongu,” said the yellow-armored Toa, Hewkii. “We're underwater, right?”
“Yes,” answered the green-armored Toa, Kongu. As was typical of a Toa of Air, he hated water, and the tone of his voice made that very clear at this moment.
“But we're breathing... and talking... and I haven't sunk to the bottom yet,” said Hewkii, stating some of the things that were on everyone's minds. He then noticed something in the water that had been momentarily forgotten. “Oh, and there's a giant eel heading right for us. This is another one of those illusions, right?”
Although the oversized eel had been driven off by the strange light, it was now back, just as hungry as before.
“Don't think so,” replied Kongu, looking around to see where his laser crossbow had gone. “No one's mad-twisted enough to conjure up anything this weird... or this wet.”
“Kongu!” shouted the red-armored Toa, Jaller. “Save the conversation for later. Use your mask and read that creature's mind ó find out what it wants.”
“That should be a quick read,” muttered Kongu as he triggered his Kanohi mask power and focused on the giant eel. His mask began to glow as a sign of this ó something that had never happened to the Toa Inika's organic masks, the young dinosaurs noted. Kongu immediately noticed something wasn't right. Contrary to previous times, he was not hearing any thoughts from anyone. To make things even weirder, hundreds of small eels had suddenly appeared from virtually out of nowhere to surround the Toa of Air. Startled, Kongu shouted in surprise and quickly backed away from the school of eels.
Almost immediately it became clear what those eels were really doing ó they charged at the much larger eel, as if they had a chance to stop it. Not surprisingly, the battle was over in no more than a second as the monstrous eel effortlessly consumed the entire school of eels in one gulp. With that distraction taken care of, it turned its attention back to the Toa.
“Well, that was pointless,” commented Cera.
The white-armored Toa, Matoro, had doubts that his Kanohi mask power could be useful in a situation like this. With options quickly running out, he activated his mask power anyway. His first surprise was that his spirit was still inside his body as his mask glowed. The second surprise was far stranger. Below them on the ocean floor, the remains of a long-dead Takea shark began to move on its own. It soon began to swim up to the giant eel, as if it was alive again. Its less than graceful movements proved that it wasn't really alive, but rather artificially reanimated. One thing that wasn't artificial about this moving skeleton was its sharp teeth, allowing the shark's jaws to easily bite onto the giant eel.
The gang was a little creeped out by the strange sight. Petrie and Ducky were noticeably pale from seeing a dead creature move on its own. “I've seen Matoro use his mask power before, but I've never seen Matoro's mask power do that before,” said Ruby.
Knowing there wasn't time to ask questions, Matoro took advantage of the distraction to unleash his elemental ice power, despite his concerns that the interlaced electricity could harm his allies in this watery environment. The attack consisted of pure ice, with no additional energy to go with it. Although ice began to build up on the body of the giant eel as hoped, the Toa of Ice was still troubled. “This is impossible,” he said to himself. “I'm a Toa Inika! Our bodies are full of energy... Where did it all go?”
The thick coating of ice restricted the monstrous eel's ability to move, which it did not like at all. Snapping its body like a whip, the massive eel shattered the encasing ice and flung the skeletal shark away in pieces. Matoro, Kongu, and Jaller were hit by some of the flying chunks of ice. Jaller had tried to use his Kanohi mask power to dodge the oncoming ice, but like Kongu and Matoro, his mask power had failed to work as expected. Instead, he was hearing sound bouncing off of nearby objects ó a rather useless ability at this particular time.
The gang swam over to the stricken Toa. While some ó like Ducky ó were more graceful in the water, others had more difficulty getting very far. “Are you okay?” asked Ducky.
Jaller grunted in pain. “This is bad,” he said. “Our weapons are gone, our masks have changed powers, and if we don't get a handle on what we can do now, we're going to be fish food.”
We could sure use a change of luck right now, thought Littlefoot.
A blur suddenly shot by to the left of the group, heading straight for the monstrous eel. It then slowed down just enough to reveal that it was the blue-armored Toa, Hahli. She continued swimming incredibly fast, now going in circles around the eel. As the Toa of Water did this, she also hurled bolts of electricity at the eel. Her glowing mask indicated that she was using her new Kanohi mask power, whatever it was.
Before anyone could say something, Nuparu suddenly faded into view above the giant eel's head ó the fading glow of his mask noticeable for only a second. Calling upon his elemental powers, the Toa of Earth raised a large chunk of the ocean floor and slammed it into the beast. Jaller set aside his thoughts and followed up by hurling a series of fire bolts at the massive creature, ignoring the fact that, like Matoro, his elemental attacks also lacked the electrical addition it once had.
Despite the Toa's best efforts, the monstrous eel seemed to remain physically unaffected. Eventually, it apparently had enough of this and charged forward, slamming into the Toa and barely missing the young dinosaurs. The beast then turned around and opened is enormous mouth.
“No good, no good, no good,” Petrie nervously muttered, knowing what the outcome of this would be.
The giant eel was fast approaching them. It continued to move swiftly through the water, but then it was strangely starting to slow down. This wasn't the creature's own doing ó it still tried to power its way through the water at full force. As its forward movement slowed to a stop, it also began to rapidly sink. The eel was powerless as it slammed into the ocean floor and was knocked out by the tremendous impact.
Everyone was confused by what had just happened until they turned to Hewkii. He had a big grin on his face as he rather pathetically swam to rejoin the group. He tapped his mask and said, “Now this is more like it! Hey, a Toa of Stone ought to be able to make something sink like a rock, right?”
Curious about exactly what happened, Chomper asked, “How did you do that?”
“Gravity,” Hewkii simply said. The gang continued to stare at him in confusion. Then realizing that it was an alien concept to the young dinosaurs, he added, “It's what causes everything to fall. I used my mask power to increase the gravity around that thing, making it so heavy tható”
“That there was nothing it could do but fall straight down,” finished Littlefoot, understanding the idea rather quickly.
“Well, I'm just glad we're done fighting that big thing,” said Cera. “Now I'd like to know what happened to us. I mean, we're underwater, for crying out loud!”
“Maybe we should find a cave or somewhere to hide so we can talk,” Chomper nervously said. “I don't feel really safe out here in the open.”
“Me agree,” Petrie quickly added, just as nervous as the young Sharptooth. “Who knows what other ever-dangerous monsters down here?”
“There might be a better place we could go to,” said Nuparu. “I think I see a village right below us.”
It was hard to see anything clearly down in the darkness, but the group trusted Nuparu. Being a Toa of Earth, he was naturally capable of seeing things in the dark more easily. What they could barely see was a small plateau at the base of the Cord. Atop that plateau were some unusual structures, but the details were hard to identify.
“Hey, I think I see movement in the village!” Nuparu added. “Are they Matoran? How could they survive down here? Then again, how are we doing it?”
Littlefoot suddenly remembered what the Matoran of Voya Nui had told him before the group had left them. “I think that might be the village that used to be on Voya Nui, but sank a long time ago,” he said. “Maybe we could ask them for help.”
“I don't know about that,” said Cera with uncertainty. “Remember what happened when we first met the Toa Nuva back on Voya Nui? These Matoran could easily do the same to us.”
“In that case, wait here while I scout out the village,” said Nuparu. “My new mask power seems to work like the Mask of Stealth once worn by Toa Nidhiki. It makes me invisible and incapable of making any noise, so it should be perfect for the job.” His mask began to glow as he activated his Kanohi mask power. A split second later, the Toa of Earth completely vanished.
“Who's Nidhiki?” asked Chomper.
“A Toa of Air who once lived in Metru Nui. He died a long time ago,” answered Hahli. She and the other Toa knew there was more to explain, but decided to not tell the full story to the young dinosaurs. There would be time for that later.
Meanwhile, Nuparu had swum closer to the village, which was indeed inhabited by Matoran. It was one of the most incredible places he had ever seen! All of the buildings were surrounded by giant bubbles of air, and any Matoran that left the giant bubbles were surrounded by smaller bubbles in the shape of their bodies. Being an engineer, Nuparu was very fascinated by everything he saw in this location. He wished he could spend all day asking thousands of questions to the Matoran, studying everything that made life in such a hostile place even possible.
Unfortunately, it seemed the eager Toa of Earth would have to save those questions for a better time. The Matoran who lived here seemed to be in a very tense state at the moment. They had strange weapons at the ready, anticipating an attack at any second. It was obvious they wouldn't react kindly to the whole team arriving at once. Perhaps they would not see him as a threat if he stood alone. Deciding that was the best option, Nuparu swam back so that he wasn't too close to the village to make the Matoran feel threatened. He then shut off his mask power.
When the Matoran saw the Toa of Earth suddenly fade into view, they reacted immediately. About a half dozen of them quickly aimed their weapons at him and fired strange spheres. One of them hit Nuparu, not reacting like a solid object but rather dissolving into a cloud of air. He found the substance surprisingly toxic as he started to choke on the gas. Just when he thought he could catch his breath, another one of the spheres hit him, resulting in a similar experience. All he wanted was to tell them he meant no harm to them, but they weren't giving him a chance to even say or do anything at all!
Above, the rest of the group could see what was happening. Without a word, the Toa quickly swam down to help their friend, soon followed by the young dinosaurs. Jaller hurled a jet of flame hot enough to make it through the water and to the largest of the launchers, melting it into a useless state without harming any of the Matoran. The Matoran who had operated that launcher fled into a nearby building... then came out with a replacement launcher. As they dragged it into position, Jaller knew he had to stop this needless fighting immediately.
“Hold it!” shouted Jaller. “We're not here to fight you!”
“Got a funny way of showing it,” shot back a Po-Matoran, pointing at the destroyed launcher. “We know what you Pit types are like ó a bunch of liars and murderers. Well, you're not getting into Mahri Nui!”
“Pit? Mahri Nui? What are you talking about?” asked Hahli. “We were told there was a Matoran village down here that needed saving, andó”
“We can save ourselves,” said the Po-Matoran. “Next thing, you'll be telling me you're not from the Pit ó that you're Toa, or some black water like that.”
“But we are Toa,” said Nuparu.
“Yeah,” added Kongu. “Who else would have masks and armor like this?”
“Then where were you?” the Po-Matoran asked, pain and anger in his voice. “Where were you when Mahri Nui sank? Where have you been all this time, when Barraki were picking us off one by one for the fun of it?”
“Enough.”
A Le-Matoran stepped forward from within the largest building in the village. He put a hand on the Po-Matoran's shoulder and then nodded to two other Matoran. They came and gently led the disgruntled villager away. Once he was gone, the Le-Matoran turned to the Toa and the kids. “My name is Defilak. I am the leader of Mahri Nui's council for this span-time. What do you want here?”
Jaller was about to speak up when Matoro suddenly came forward and said, “I am Toa Matoro. We came to your village seeking a mask that has been lost. It is vital that we recover it.”
Defilak frowned. Clearly, he was not happy to hear this. “You are the second being to ask me about a mask in the last day,” he said. “The first followed up his question by killing one of my friends, just to show-scan that he could do it.”
“I'm... sorry,” Matoro said sadly.
The group now understood why the Matoran here felt so threatened, but still couldn't understand why they initially distrusted them so much.
“Only two of you may enter the village: one Toa and one... um... of the other creatures.” said Defilak. “The rest of you ó if you really are heroes ó defend Mahri Nui. The Fields of Air are held hostage by ever-dangerous Rahi.” He pointed in the approximate direction of that area. “The Airweed that grows there is ever-vital to our survival. Free them, and perhaps my people will see you for what you speak-say you are.”
Littlefoot immediately volunteered to represent his friends, who had no objections to the choice. The young Longneck swam toward the village, but was rather surprised to see Matoro by his side. He had expected Jaller to join him. Looking back, he could tell by the look on his face that the Toa of Fire was not exactly approving of Matoro's decision.
As Matoro and Littlefoot swam towards the Matoran village known as Mahri Nui, the rest of the group turned and headed for the Fields of Air. Ruby glanced back at Matoro one more time before following the others.
Littlefoot was a slower swimmer than Matoro, so the Toa of Ice was the first to pass through into the large air bubble. He only managed to set his feet down on the ground when he started jerking around. Littlefoot came to an abrupt halt, fearing that whatever was happening to Matoro might happen to him if he went any further. The Toa of Ice was gasping and choking, struggling to catch his breath. It felt like he was suffocating!
Defilak had started to enter the large structure when he heard the gasps of the Toa of Ice. He turned around and, seeing what was happening, immediately ran over to Matoro and shoved him back out of the giant bubble.
It wasn't until he was back in the water that Matoro was able to finally catch his breath. Littlefoot didn't know what to say. The unexpected sight had left him very confused. Once Matoro had fully recovered from his near-death experience, he said, “I don't understand. What just happened?”
“How can you not know?” asked Defilak. “You are a creature of the sea, Matoro. You must have known you can't breathe air.”
The Toa and the Longneck could only stare at the Le-Matoran in shock, eyes wide and mouths open. Those last three words echoed through their minds over and over again: “can't breathe air.” If that was true, their lives had just changed forever. If they couldn't live on land anymore, then how would either group ever be able to return to their homes? Could finding the Mask of Life really be worth all of this?
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As the team of Toa and young dinosaurs made their way to the Fields of Air, one thing was becoming very clear to Chomper: he was by far the slowest swimmer of them all. Due to his small size and short arms, he was quickly falling behind, which made him very scared. Fortunately, Spike had decided to stop to munch on a piece of seaweed he found. Chomper decided to take the opportunity to climb onto the Spiketail's back. He was breathing heavily after all of the effort to just keep up with them. When Spike looked back at him, he said, “Maybe I should ride more often, now.”
Ruby looked back and was relieved to see that Chomper was safe. She wouldn't admit it to anyone, but she had actually forgotten about the little Sharptooth. Her mind was occupied with Matoro's decision to stay at the village. It just makes no sense, she thought. Why would Matoro want to talk to the Matoran leader? Jaller is the Toa's leader, so he should be the one to talk to the Matoran leader, just like our leader, Littlefoot. Glancing up at the Toa of Fire, she added, I have a feeling Jaller feels just as confused as I feel right now.
Meanwhile, Ducky was enjoying her new surroundings very much. On land, her small size had often been a bit of a hindrance. She wasn't as tough as most of her friends, and was usually comfortable with riding on Spike's back. Here in the water, things were very different. To her, this was like a dream come true, despite the dangers. Now that there was no need for her to resurface to breathe, she felt more free than ever before, and that she wouldn't need to rely on her bigger friends anymore. The little Swimmer just couldn't hide her happiness as she continued to swim in circles around just about everyone, much to the annoyance of some of them.
Petrie, on the other hand, was feeling the exact opposite. He never liked water, especially the large bodies of water such as the sea. Right from the start, he knew his time down here at the bottom of the ocean was going to be one of the worst experiences of his life. At first, he tried to make the best of it, figuring that swimming in water ó which he could now breathe ó would be no different than flying through the air. Unfortunately, the difference in density between the two meant that flapping his wings required far more effort than he was used to. He gave up after only a minute, choosing to instead ride on Cera's back for the rest of the way. He was glad that she didn't mind... as long as he kept his mouth shut.
It wasn't long until the group reached the Fields of Air. Just the name alone was a testament to how valuable this place was to the Matoran. Without air, the Matoran were doomed to drown. Regardless of how such a substance could be grown on seemingly some type of seaweed, they knew they had to free this area from whatever Rahi had decided to stay here.
Spike noticed a small plant nearby that looked just like the Airweed that was abundant all over the fields. What was interesting about this type of seaweed was that it had bubbles of air throughout the whole stalk. Spike just couldn't resist taking a sample to taste, but soon regretted it. When he punctured the bubbles and the gases started to flood his mouth, he quickly spat out the plant as he choked and gagged on the air. Once he regained his breath, he saw everyone staring at him. Spike lowered his head and whimpered. The message was clear: these air-producing plants were strictly off-limits.
“This shouldn't be too difficult,” said Hahli, looking out across the Fields of Air. Movement could be seen among the strange plants, but it took a moment to realize that it wasn't the plants themselves that were moving. There was a massive number of crab-like Rahi all over the fields, and they certainly weren't as friendly as the Ussals they were familiar with. It was no wonder the Matoran had trouble getting into the fields.
“Eleven of us, eleven thousand of them,” said Kongu, his voice full of sarcasm. “I like your idea of fair odds. And what's with the fins?”
“What?” asked Hahli.
“You have fins. They look kind of like wings. And you have a big claw.”
“Have you looked at yourself lately? Or any of the others? We've all changed.”
“I dodged the fins thing, though.”
“Well, not all of us changed,” Cera pointed out. It was true ó only the Toa seemed to have had their bodies changed entirely. The young dinosaurs still looked like the land walkers they once were. It seemed the only thing that had changed about these kids was that they could now breathe underwater.
“The Mask of Life,” said Jaller as a realization hit him. “I... heard it... felt it... when we entered the water. It must have done this to us so we could survive down here.”
“Then it's officially off my Naming Day gift list,” grumbled Kongu.
“The one thing I hoped we might get out of being underwater is that Kongu wouldn't be able to talk,” said Hewkii.
Cera was also upset to think that the Mask of Life could have done this to them. “Sometimes, I almost wish I could just destroy that mask,” she muttered. She then noticed everyone turned to stare at her. “I said ëalmost,’” she emphasized.
Jaller shook his head and said, “Come on, we have a job to do.”
“Um, maybe we don't. Look,” said Nuparu, pointing to the fields.
It was hard to see what was happening, so Jaller summoned a flame bright enough for everyone to see clearly. The light revealed a rather unusual sight. The crabs ó all of them ó were simply leaving the fields. They weren't running away, but rather marching up to the edge of the plateau, where they stopped and turned to face the assembled group. Soon, other creatures of the deep sea joined them: sharks, squids, eels, rays, and more. None of them made any advances. They just hovered in the water and simply stared at the group of Toa and dinosaurs.
The group was speechless at this odd sight. “Okay, Hahli, you're the one with water on the brain,” Hewkii finally said. “Do sea Rahi like this normally act this way, or is it what it really looks like ó really creepy?”
“No, it's not normal,” replied Hahli. “This is weird... ëMakuta comes up and gives you a hug’ weird. It's almost like they're... waiting for something... or someone.”
“And so they are.”
Startled, everyone turned around to see who had spoken. Floating before them were six strange beings, shaped vaguely like Toa, but with mutations that made them look like bizarre sea monsters. Behind them were even more of the gathered sea creatures, eager for a good hunt.
Chomper gulped before saying, “I think I've figured out why my parents wanted me to leave that island.”
“And people wonder why I hate the water,” said Kongu.
“Me too,” Petrie weakly added as he cowered behind Cera's neckshield.
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Read and review, as always. I'm glad to say that finishing this chapter over the past week has reignited my commitment to getting this story done, so hopefully it shouldn't take too long for me to get the next chapter done.
Here are the images of everything first seen in this chapter:
Jaller (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/8/82/Jaller_Mahri.png)
Hahli (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/f/fe/HahliMahri.png)
Kongu (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/c/c5/MahriKongu.png)
Matoro (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/d/d1/MatoroMahri.png)
Hewkii (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/1/1f/Hewkii_Mahri.png)
Nuparu (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/c/ca/NuparuMahri.png)
Mahri Nui (from a distance (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/9/9c/MahriNui.png), close-up (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/2/2d/Mahri_Nui_Art_with_Airweed.png), from above (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/a/a4/Mini_Map.png))
Defilak (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/1/11/Defilak.PNG)
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What’s this? Pangaea has posted a review within a day of the new chapter being released? Grab your umbrella hats and watch the skies for flying pigs! And turn on the news for reports of a blizzard in Hades!
In all seriousness, however…
Chronicler, if you don’t think I need to apologize for taking so long with my review, then you shouldn’t have to apologize for taking so long with the next chapter. As the author, you should be able to take a break from writing the story if you need to. (It’s a relief to hear that you’re accustomed to my tardiness, anyway, not that that’s going to put me off from attempting to improve the promptness of my reviews.)
Overall I found this a very interesting chapter. Lots of new things, and it was fun to see the characters’ reactions to their new situation. I especially liked the scene later in the chapter when the gang was swimming to Fields of Air, and you described how each of them was adapting to having to swim constantly, Ducky’s description being my favorite (That was pretty much exactly as I’d imagine her to act if she were given the ability to swim without needing to go up for air). Poor Petrie, though; he’s going to freak out when he learns that he can’t even breathe air anymore, much less fly through it (even though I’m guessing this will turn out to be only a temporary change).
The confrontation scene with the giant eel was vividly descriptive enough to be exciting for me, and the Toa discovering that their powers had changed and coming to grips with them added to the tension. The gang’s reactions to the reanimated shark felt appropriate, and props for having Hewkii need to explain gravity to the gang, with Littlefoot catching on at the last minute.
I think it’s also safe for me to revise my previous theory about the mysterious light source at the end of the previous chapter; that it was most likely the Mask of Life and definitely not the Matoran. As for the pain they experienced, I’m guessing now that that was a side effect of being physiologically modified to breathe underwater. The fact that it (temporarily) drove off the eel may have just been a bonus.
The weight of the ice caused the monstrous eel to start sinking, which it did not like at all.
Forgive me for being overly scientific in regards to a story that is hardly such, but does ice in the Bionicle universe usually sink? I would imagine that being encased in ice would make it more difficult for the eel to move and reduce its speed considerably (effectively “weighing it down” as the original text for this story describes), but ice is typically less dense than water, and if anything one would expect that it would cause the eel to float. I’m willing to accept that ice produced by Toa powers works differently, though, so you’re free to ignore this comment.
His mask began to glow as a sign of this ó something that apparently had never happened to the Toa Inika's organic masks, the young dinosaurs noted.
Just my opinion, but “apparently” seems unnecessary in this sentence.
“Well, that was pointless,” commented Cera at what had just happened.
This sentence sounds a bit awkward, and again I think it is unnecessary. I would just delete it.
Chomper gulped before saying, “I think I just remembered why my parents wanted me to leave that island.”
Not an error, but I’m confused as to why Chomper is saying this. I don’t understand how it applies to the current situation.
That’s about all I’ve got for this review. It seems that I’ve been finding fewer and fewer errors in your chapters. You should be proud of that.
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Pangaea: Although it's good that you're not finding many errors, I still very much appreciate whenever you do point them out. In this case, the first and last ones you mentioned looked like I should have reworded them a little differently for them to make more sense. (That last one, I was trying to show that those beings of the sea made Chomper possibly becoming scared of the deep sea, so he now has another reason why he's glad he doesn't live on an island in the ocean anymore.)
I took a little time off again, but I was able to get this next chapter done relatively quickly.
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Chapter 26
Imprisoned
The young dinosaurs huddled together in fear. First impressions of these mutated beings ó and the surrounding masses of deadly sea creatures ó were anything but pleasant. They made even the Piraka seem like such a friendly bunch.
The blue-armored mutated being swam forward a little and looked across the group of Toa and dinosaurs. His body was lean and slightly bent in the middle. His face had small red eyes and ó like the other beings ó mandibles that snapped open and shut repulsively. In his hands were a pair of long blade-like weapons. He also carried some kind of launcher, like the other mutated beings. “Ah, me, what have we here?” he rasped. “Five little Toa who have lost their way? And six odd creatures who seem out-of-place in the sea? We would have been here sooner to greet you, but you know, it's never wise to go swimming too soon after a meal.”
“I don't like it,” the brown-armored mutant spoke up. His body was short and stocky; the complete opposite of the first being. He also had a pair of large crablike claws. “What are they doing here now? Something smells.”
“That would be you, Carapar,” said the first. “Comes from eating those two-bio-long blood snails...”
“Quiet,” said a white-armored being, who resembled what the young dinosaurs considered a swimming sharptooth; known in this universe as a shark. At first, the Toa thought he might have lost an arm in combat, but then they realized he was just keeping one hand behind his back. In the visible arm, he held a strange blade-like weapon. There were also parts of his armor that were red in color, though the kids weren't sure if that was its usual appearance. “I am Pridak. We are the Barraki, and this is our realm. Tell us why you are here, and perhaps you will live to see another tide.”
The blue-armored Barraki leaned forward and carefully whispered, “Better listen to Takadox, masked ones. Pridak was... not himself... or rather, too much himself, a little while ago. I did a little trick of mine to calm him down ó otherwise, he might kill you first and then ask questions of your corpses. This way works much better, you see.”
“Answer,” continued Pridak. “What did you do to be exiled here?”
“Exiled?” said Hewkii. “We're notó”
“óIn the habit of explaining ourselves to every bait fish that comes along,” Hahli interrupted. “By what right do you and your pathetic schools of minnows interfere with us?”
The red-armored Barraki surged forward. He had tentacles on the back of his head and a very long one on his left hand. He also had three eyes, though the one in the middle seemed to have been damaged, since it didn't give off any light like the other two. “By right of conquest!” he shouted before he reached forward with his tentacle to try and grab Hahli. The Toa of Water effortlessly grabbed and yanked the tentacle hard, sending the Barraki hurtling through the water toward her. He slammed face-first into her open hand and fell to the ocean floor. Muttering under his breath, he made no effort to try again.
“Do you have any other answer to give?” asked Hahli, turning her attention back to the other Barraki. “Or are you content to tread water and bluster like toothless Takea sharks?”
Hahli's behavior was catching her friends entirely by surprise, both Toa and dinosaurs. This was nothing like the shy Ga-Matoran they once knew, not too long ago. Did she have no fear for these creatures of the deep sea, or had she completely lost her mind?
“You have heard of the Barraki before?” asked Pridak.
“Yes,” answered Hahli. “Their name has come down the millennia... a relic used to frighten pathetic Matoran and keep them in their beds at night.”
The other Barraki looked at Pridak, almost as if they were concerned about what he would do next. Apparently, what happened next was not what they expected. Pridak simply smiled, revealing his many rows of sharp teeth ó a sight that definitely made the kids shiver in fear. “Perhaps,” he said. “Our day was long ago, but a new era is about to begin... and it starts with this.” Pridak brought his hand from behind his back. The group couldn't help but gasp at what they saw. He was holding the Mask of Life. “You recognize it?” he said. “Interesting. So few have seen this mask and lived.”
“I do,” said Hahli. “And I have. Aren't you worried about its legendary curse?”
“Curse?” Pridak repeated. Then his tone changed to pure rage. “Look at me! Look at where I dwell! Look at my companions! Once rulers, now monstrosities, and tell me ó how much more cursed could we be!?”
“Relax, Pridak,” said Takadox, almost chanting as he stared into the eyes of the furious Barraki. “Stay in control.”
Carapar turned to Takadox. “I thought you said there were thirteen of them,” he said in confusion. “I only count eleven, including the tiny ones.”
“It counts?” said Hahli, acting surprised. “Amazing. To answer your dull-witted question, we were thirteen, but profits go farther shared among a smaller group, if you catch my current.”
The group of Toa and dinosaurs couldn't believe what they were hearing coming from the Toa of Water. She was speaking like a Piraka! Had she lost all sympathy for her own teammates and friends?
After thinking for a few seconds, Pridak said, “Bring them along. We have a long journey ahead of us, and disgraced Toa might prove useful.”
“As allies?” whispered the red Barraki.
Pridak shook his head and said, “It's always best, when traveling, to make sure you bring lunch along, Kalmah.”
Kalmah, Carapar, and the green Barraki ó a lean, hunched being with sharp spines all over his back, who held a pair of long, claw-like weapons ó moved behind the Toa. Pridak, Takadox, and the black Barraki ó identified by another Barraki as Mantax, a hunched being with a large pincer in one hand and had bulky armor with sharp spikes all over it ó turned and began to swim away. It was clear the group was supposed to follow them. With no other option, the group swam towards an unknown destination, guarded on the front and back by the Barraki, and flanked on the left and right by the armies of sea creatures. The kids felt very nervous, but having the Toa with them was enough to avoid outright panic.
Hoping to set aside some confusion, Jaller turned to Hahli and quietly said, “So... When did you become ëHahli the Barbarian’?”
“Trust me, I know what I'm doing,” replied Hahli. She then smiled and added, “Besides, it's sort of fun.”
Only Nuparu and Ruby were able to overhear what the two Toa had said. I don't see anything “fun” about acting like a bad guy in front of a bunch of bad guys, Ruby thought bitterly.
________
The Barraki had escorted the group to a desolate area near the face of a cliff that had numerous caves.
“This is where you will be staying as our guests,” said Pridak. “Our only request is that all five Toa occupy a separate cave for each of them.”
“What about the rest of us?” asked Cera. Although she feared the Barraki as much as her friends did, her hatred of any creatures of the sea helped her get past that fear and at least be willing to stand up to the Barraki.
“Well, I don't see how the six of you could pose any threat at all, so we will allow you to pick a Toa to stay with,” answered Pridak.
Petrie quickly scampered up to Kongu's shoulder and said, “Me stay with Air-Toa, Kongu.”
“If anything goes wrong, I'd trust my life with Jaller,” said Cera as she moved to stand next to the Toa of Fire.
“I will stay with Hahli,” said Ducky. “Yes, I will.”
“I would prefer to stay with Matoro, but since Matoro is not here, I will need to stay with my second choice, and that second choice of mine is Hahli,” said Ruby.
Spike silently walked up to Hewkii, still nervous by the sight of the assembled Barraki.
Chomper turned to Nuparu, but the Toa of Earth stopped him and said, “Go with Hewkii and Spike. Trust me, its best that I be left alone.” He tapped the side of his mask to help the little Sharptooth understand what he meant.
Chomper understood the message and nodded, before joining up with Hewkii and Spike.
“Good. Now that you're done, let us take you to your accommodations,” said Pridak. He and the other Barraki gathered a small number of their armies and escorted the Toa and kids to separate caves. They made sure the “guests” wouldn't turn their attention to anything but their specific cave. This meant that none of the heroes would know where any of the others would be staying.
Once everyone had moved into their respective caves, the various sea creatures that had escorted them remained just outside the cave entrances, never leaving. It was now clear to the Toa and young dinosaurs that they were actually more like prisoners. With the task done, the Barraki and the rest of their armies left.
In one cave, Hahli, Ruby, and Ducky all sat on a large rock near the back of the cave. Ducky was still confused by Hahli's earlier behavior. “I cannot believe you actually talked to them like that, Hahli. Oh no, no, no,” said Ducky.
“That's actually because Hahli was only acting like someone who's not Hahli,” answered Ruby.
“She's right,” confirmed Hahli.
“But why would you do that?” asked Ducky.
“That is a good question, because I would like to ask Hahli that question, too,” added Ruby.
“Hahli!”
It was only a loud whisper, but the suddenness of it caused the three of them to be startled enough to jump off the rock and nearly scream in surprise. They turned around and saw Nuparu standing right behind them. No doubt, he had used his new Kanohi mask power to sneak out of his cave and into this one unnoticed.
“Nuparu!” exclaimed Hahli, doing her best to keep her voice down. “Makuta's bones, you scared ten thousand years off me! What are you doing here?”
“You told Jaller you knew something,” replied Nuparu. “I figured it was time for share and tell.”
Hahli nodded and began, “You might recall that I recently mentioned how I spent some time in the Onu-Metru Archives studying many of the old tablets I found there, trying to understand what they said. One particularly old carving told the story of the League of Six Kingdoms, which happened about 80,000 years ago. At the height of their power, the six members of the League ó Pridak, Takadox, Carapar, Ehlek, Mantax, and Kalmah ó dominated most of the known universe. When they tried to combine their armies and rebel against the Great Spirit Mata Nui, they were crushed by the Brotherhood of Makuta. The records are sketchy after that, saying only that they were condemned for their crimes and taken away for punishment.”
“Then what are they doing down here?” asked Ducky.
“I don't know,” replied Hahli, “but maybe... What if they were imprisoned somewhere... and when the Great Cataclysm struck Metru Nui a thousand years ago, it hit other places, too? A massive earthquake could have shattered their cells and set them free. But, mutated as they are now, they can't reclaim their kingdoms... unless somehow the power of the Mask of Life can make them what they once were.”
There was no need to explain any further. It was now clear how dire the situation had become.
Nuparu was the first to speak up. “Our only advantage is they think we're as bad as they are and were condemned here as well. We need to break out and get the mask before they can use it.”
“It's worse than that,” said Hahli. “While we were being taken to this place, I overheard Takadox and Kalmah talking. The mask is starting to crack; its power is leaking out. If we don't act soon... there won't be any Mask of Life to save.”
________
Littlefoot and Matoro stood on a small rocky ledge just outside a large air bubble near the edge of Mahri Nui. Defilak, who stood inside the giant bubble, wanted to keep them away from the center of the village to keep the high tensions between them as low as possible. Two armed Ta-Matoran stood on either side of Defilak, showing that these Matoran were not taking any chances.
Finally, Defilak was ready to start talking. “This has been a disastrous day,” he said quietly. “Dekar is missing... Sarda is dead... and who knows how many other Matoran heroes were injured.”
“I'm sorry,” said Matoro. “I wish we had gotten here sooner. But time is running out and we need that mask.”
“Mask! Mask!” Defilak suddenly snapped. “There is no mask! I have never heard of anyó”
“The Fields of Air are free again!”
The shout came from a Ga-Matoran as she swam up to Defilak, barely able to contain her excitement. “The Keras crabs have withdrawn. We can harvest the air again!”
Toa Matoro and Littlefoot looked at each other and smiled. Their friends had done their job and proven that they were true heroes. Now they could focus on reclaiming the Mask of Life.
“We told you,” said Matoro. “I knew the others wouldn't let you down.”
“The others?” said the Ga-Matoran in confusion. “Do you mean the five who look like you and those six strange-looking Rahi? I saw them talking with the Barraki, and then they left with them.”
Matoro and Littlefoot looked at each other in concern. Although they weren't quite sure who the Barraki were, they knew it meant trouble. “They're prisoners?” asked Matoro, turning back to the Matoran.
“No,” replied the Ga-Matoran. “Looked more like partners to me.”
Defilak turned to the Longneck and the Toa of Ice with a very suspicious look on his face.
Littlefoot was very sure the report had to be a mistake, so he knew his had to convince the Matoran otherwise. “Wait! It's not what you think!” he exclaimed. “My friends would neveró”
He was cut off when Matoro froze the water between them and the village, just as the Matoran had aimed their launchers at the two outsiders. The Toa of Ice grabbed Littlefoot and began to quickly swim towards the Fields of Air.
“What are you doing!?” exclaimed Littlefoot. He was very upset that he wasn't given a chance to explain themselves to the Matoran.
“It's hopeless, Littlefoot,” answered Matoro. “These Matoran seem to think everyone is against them. We need to find the others and find out what's going on down here before we can try again. If not... then we'll have to find the Mask of Life on our own.”
Littlefoot was about to speak up when something shot through the water and exploded nearby, close enough for the shock wave to send them tumbling through the water and land on the ocean floor.
Matoro was dazed, but remained conscious. He quickly noticed he was lying at the feet of a figure in pitch-black armor. He looked up to see the rest of this stranger. He had a few long blades attached to his left wrist and had some type of multi-shot blaster attached to his right wrist.
“Welcome to the Pit, runner,” the figure said, regarding the Toa as being no better than dirt. “My name is Hydraxon. You have the right to remain jailed.” He reached down and lifted the Toa off the ocean floor, who was too dazed to put up much resistance.
Littlefoot, unlike Matoro, had landed on a soft patch, so he was able to remain alert. He couldn't believe what was happening now. “What are you doing!?” he protested.
Hydraxon didn't hesitate to grab the little dinosaur by the neck and lift him off the seafloor. “What a strange creature,” he mused. “And it talks, too. No doubt, another runner to be captured.”
“I'm not a Runner, I'm a Longneck,” responded Littlefoot, his voice straining from the tight grip against his neck.
Most would have laughed at this pathetic statement, but Hydraxon didn't even crack a smile. In his mind, he had a job to do, and he had no time for jokes. Either this creature was naive or was simply playing dumb to avoid being captured. He quickly decided on the latter.
With the two in his custody, Hydraxon began to swim toward an unknown destination. “I'm feeling generous right now, so I'll let you both share a cell,” he said with a cold voice.
Littlefoot refused to say anything. He was in complete disbelief at how things had quickly gone from good to bad to worse. If things were this bad for him, he couldn't imagine how terrible they must have been for his friends.
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Read and review, as always. The next few chapters will get interesting, so I hope I can get them done more quickly now. (I got this one done in less than a week, once I got around to actually working on it.)
Here are the images of everything first seen in this chapter:
Pridak (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/5/51/Pridak.PNG)
Ehlek (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/3/38/Ehlek.PNG)
Kalmah (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/a/a6/Kalmah.PNG)
Takadox (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/a/a1/Takadox.PNG)
Mantax (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/e/ef/Mantax.PNG)
Carapar (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/b/b1/Carapar.PNG)
Hydraxon (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/0/06/CGI_Hydraxon.png)
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I had something of a double-sided opinion of this chapter. On one hand, it really turned the tension factor up to eleven; by the very end, things have never looked worse for our protagonists. The Barraki are very interesting to me, and there was one scene in the chapter that I really enjoyed (more on that later). On the other hand, there was quite a lot of borrowed text in this chapter, and a lot of it was hardly changed from its original wording. In addition, the gang of seven had hardly any role in the chapter at all. Cera, Chomper, and Petrie had no lines; in fact they along with Spike were only even mentioned by name when the Barraki split their prisoners up. The gang were more or less as the Barraki viewed them: sideline curiosities of little significance or threat. I guess there wasn’t that much in the original book that could be adapted to give them something to do in this chapter, and maybeóhopefullyóthe Barraki’s dismissal of them as inconsequential (except as living Lunchables) will come back to bite them.
My favorite part of this chapter was definitely Hahli’s confrontation with the Barraki. Even if a lot of it was lifted directly from the book, I enjoyed Hahli’s witty insults and overall bad@$$itude (for lack of a word that I’ve ever used before :p), and both sides’ clever water-themed idioms (“live to see another tide” and “if you catch my current” being most memorable). I also greatly appreciated seeing a lone protagonist spontaneously take action (and the spotlight). While it makes sense that the Toa (along with the gang) work as a team almost all of the time, the specific actions of any one individual do not particularly stand out when the characters all act at once, or in quick succession, such as in many of the battle scenes. Hahli had a chance to shine by herself in this chapter; something that readers will remember her for. I hope that other characters will get opportunities like this in later chapters.
In his hands was a pair of blade-like weapons.
Should be “were”.
His body was more short and stockyó the complete opposite of the first being.
I would delete “more”, as it makes the sentence sound awkward. Also, you might want to consider replacing the em dash for a semicolon.
“Quiet,” said a white-armored being, whose mutations made him resemble a shark.
I know the gang has learned a lot of “our” names for things since making contact with the Matoran, but I think it would feel more like the narrative is coming from their point of view if you described Pridak as resembling the swimming sharptooth they encountered on their first visit to Chomper’s island.
Also, it didn’t occur to me to bring this up earlier, but did the Toa or Matoran ever explain the concept of mutations to the gang? From their perspective, I don’t think they would even be able to tell whether the Barraki were mutated. How would they know whether their sea creature characteristics were part of their natural appearance?
The red-armored Barraki surged forward. His mutations made him resemble a squid. He had tentacles on the back of his head and a very long one on his left hand. He also had three eyes, though the one in the middle seemed to have been damaged, since it didn't give off any light like the other two.
I would just remove the whole highlighted portion, since I don’t think the gang is particularly familiar with squids, Kalmah doesn’t really look that much like a squid (in my opinion, at least), and the way you describe him immediately afterwards is much more helpful for conveying what he looks like.
The group of heroes couldn't believe what they were hearing coming from the Toa of Water. She was speaking like a Piraka! Did she even have any sympathy for her own teammates and friends?
I think the red-highlighted portion should be modified to include the gang. (“Hahli’s friends”, perhaps?) Also, maybe this is just me, but the blue-highlighted sentence comes off as a bit…hyperbolic, maybe? Despite Hahli acting and talking very atypically, I wouldn’t expect them to immediately assume that she had suddenly turned evil or something just because of one thing she said (which the Toa know is a lie, and I’m not sure the gang would even understand. Are they even familiar with the term “profits”?).
Kalmah, Carapar, and the green Barraki ó a lean, hunched being with sharp spines all over his back, and held a pair of long, claw-like weapons ó moved behind the Toa.
Should be “who”.
With no other option, the group swam towards an unknown destination, flanked in the front and back by the Barraki, and on the left and right by the armies of sea creatures.
I think “flanking” exclusively refers to being to the side of something. So the group would be flanked by the sea creatures, but fronted and backed by the Barraki.
The group of heroes was led to a desolate area. The five Toa were each asked to occupy one of the several caves along a cliff face. Since the little dinosaurs appeared to pose no threat at all, they were allowed to choose a Toa to stay with. Cera went with Jaller, Petrie with Kongu, Ducky and Ruby with Hahli, and Chomper and Spike with Hewkii, while Nuparu insisted on being alone. Pridak assured them they were “guests”, but the various sea creatures that stayed and hovered outside the cave entrances indicated they were seen more like prisoners. Once everyone had move into their caves, the Barraki and most of their armies left.
Similar to one of the paragraphs quoted above, I would remove “of heroes”, since, as I understand it, that term is basically interchangeable with “Toa” in the Bionicle universe, and does not apply so much to the gang. Also, typo alert: “move” should be “moved”.
As a side note, the scene in this paragraph of the Barraki introducing the group to their “accommodations” is one that I think could have been fairly easily expanded to include dialogue. It would be much more entertaining, and allow the gang some more lines.
As for other ways you could potentially edit this chapter to give the gang more of a presence, I think there are several points where you could insert some short segments describing the characters’ feelings about, or reactions to, the situation they’re in at the moment. I can most easily think of examples for Cera. Considering her often less-than-amiable relationship with aquatic life (especially crabs), I can easily envision her shooting irritated glares at the Barraki’s minions, thinking about how loathsome she finds the Barraki, and, if she were feeling especially gutsy, insulting one of the Barrakiómost likely Caraparóto his face. (You know, if Carapar is close enough to Cera’s size, it would be hilarious to see her finally take out her frustrations with crabs on him in a later chapter. :lol)
Sorry about the less-than-shining review. I hope at least some of this was helpful.
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Pangaea: To be honest, I knew that inevitably some chapters would seem more modest, once I got to a part where I would need to use borrowed text again. As I've said countless times, I try to add as much original material as I can at every opportunity. For example, Jaller had mentioned that the Toa had lost their weapons right after their transformation, but some Toa are shown to have their new weapons (aside from those blasters they all carry, which they grab latter on) soon after. To me, this seems like a contradiction, so I decided to go with what Jaller said, which means I'll give them their unique weapons at the same time they grab those blasters (that'll be the next chapter, not this one). Also, over the next few chapters, you'll see why I had Littlefoot go with Matoro. ;)
Things are starting to pick up in this story now, so I'm glad I'm now getting back into the habit of working on these chapters more frequently.
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Chapter 27
Escape!
Chomper and Spike had a very good reason to feel nervous. Hovering just outside the mouth of the cave was a Takea shark, its gaze never straying far from them. Hewkii decided to test it by picking up a small, dead fish he noticed on the cave floor and tossing it out. The predator of the deep quickly snatched the fish carcass and gulped it down.
“Okay, sneaking by it is out of the question,” stated Hewkii. “Looks like we'll have to fight our way out.”
“Just make sure you stop it for good,” suggested Chomper. “Where I'm from, swimming sharpteeth never stop until they get their food.”
Spike nervously nodded in agreement.
The Toa of Stone turned back to the guarding Takea and thought about which tactic to use. He only needed a few seconds to come up with a foolproof plan. “Well, you've seen what too much gravity can do to something,” said Hewkii. “This time, let's try none at all.”
Chomper and Spike watched as Hewkii triggered his Kanohi mask power. Almost instantly, the Takea shark began to rise uncontrollably. The three of them walked to the mouth of the cave so they could see where it was going. There was a moderate current near the surface, and when the weightless shark reached it, it was carried away like a leaf in a strong breeze.
“Bye bye, shark,” said Hewkii with a smile on his face.
Chomper and Spike burst out laughing. Hewkii had to admit that what happened to that shark, combined with his response, was pretty funny. But as the laughter dragged on, he started to get irritated. He knew there was no time to waste, so he saw no point in waiting for them to stop on their own.
“Come on, let's go,” Hewkii said irritably before smacking Spike on his posterior and swimming off to find the others.
Spike yelped in surprise, then grumbled angrily as he helped Chomper climb onto his back before following the Toa of Stone.
________
“Now can we get out of here?” asked Cera impatiently.
Jaller had insisted on waiting until a few minutes after the Barraki had left before making any attempts to escape. He only wanted to be sure that the eels guarding the cave would be their only opponent. Needless to say, Cera's impatience was getting on his nerves.
Sighing in frustration, the Toa of Fire walked toward the mouth of the cave. The eels immediately noticed him and prepared to attack. Jaller held out his hands and focused his elemental powers into them. He then unleashed a large blast of flame for only a few seconds. The eels were barely singed, but the attack was enough to frighten them all away.
Cera walked up to Jaller and said, “See? That wasn't so hard.”
Jaller leaned against the wall of the cave, exhausted. “Oh really? Why don't you try and start a fire underwater and see how easy it is?” Jaller rhetorically asked.
Cera ignored him and said, “They might come back. We'd better get going.”
As much as he disliked working with Cera, Jaller had to admit the young Threehorn was right. Doing his best to conserve his energy, he decided to climb along the undersea cliff, followed by Cera swimming nearby. He stumbled a little when a small outcrop broke off in his hand. He looked at the rock in his hand and soon got an idea. He wasn't exactly sure where the others were hidden, but perhaps his new mask power could help make the task easier.
Cera noticed the Toa of Fire stop, then his Kanohi mask start to glow. Jaller lightly tapped the rock against the cliff once and waited. “What are you doing?” asked Cera.
“Quiet,” said Jaller before tapping the rock against the cliff once more. He listened carefully for a few seconds, then moved further along the cliff and repeated the process. After a few seconds of apparent silence, he shut off his mask power and said, “I think I've found Kongu and Petrie.”
Cera was very skeptical of this. “How do you know?” she asked.
Jaller tapped the side of his mask and said, “Sonar. Sound actually bounces off of most objects, which in certain cases results in that effect you dinosaurs call a ëtalk-back’. Some creatures have hearing so sensitive that they can tell how far away something is and what it's shaped like, just by listening to a little bit of noise. My new Kanohi mask power gives me that ability.”
Cera had a hard time understanding the concept, but as long as it worked, she wouldn't complain about it. “Well, in that case, let's go burn some more sea slime and free those two air heads,” said Cera.
Jaller sighed and muttered to himself, “Like I have a choice.” He let go of the cliff and swam with Cera to where he was sure they would find the right cave. He knew he had to get the team back together as soon as possible if they were going to retrieve the Mask of Life. Besides, the sooner he could stop working with no one but Cera, the better.
________
“How are we going to get out of here?” asked Ducky. She ó along with Ruby, Hahli, and Nuparu ó was looking out at the mouth of the cave, which was guarded by a giant squid.
“I could use my mask power to simply swim right by undetected, but that won't help the rest of you,” stated Nuparu.
“If Nuparu's mask power can't help all of us escape, then maybe Hahli's mask power can help us all escape,” suggested Ruby.
“But that does beg the question: What does your mask power do?” asked Nuparu to Hahli.
“You have nothing to worry about,” assured Hahli. “It took some practice, but I've figured out what my Kanohi mask power is. I can get us free, but you must not look my way, no matter what. I'll let you know when it's safe.”
The Toa of Earth and the two young dinosaurs nodded and turned away. Ruby and Ducky decided to take an extra precaution by covering their eyes.
Meanwhile, Toa Hahli walked up to the mouth of the cave and stood perfectly still. The squid noticed her and began to reach out with its powerful tentacles. As Hahli's mask began to glow, something amazing happened that made the sea creature stop. Bands of color were traveling up and down her body, moving faster and shifting in intensity. The squid continued to watch the display, its huge eyes staring at her. After a few moments, Hahli shut off her mask power, causing the bands of color to fade away. The sea creature made no reactions at all; it had been entranced.
Satisfied, Hahli turned back to tap Nuparu on the shoulder and whisper, “Let's go.”
Nuparu nudged Ruby and Ducky to let them know it was now safe to look. Despite their confusion, they followed Hahli as she swam right by it without any trouble at all. Once they were a good distance away, Ducky asked, “What happened?”
“My Kanohi mask power lets me mimic the powers of any sea creature,” answered Hahli. “I remembered there was a hypnotic Rahi fish that could entrance prey, so I summoned that ability. The giant squid is unharmed, but when it awakens, we will be long gone.”
“Sounds good to me,” said Toa Hewkii as he swam towards them, followed by Chomper and Spike. “The problem with water is it's so... wet.”
“How did you get past your guard?” asked Hahli.
“I didn't. Used my mask power to cut off his gravity,” said Hewkii. “Too bad you missed it. You would believe a Takea shark can fly.”
Chomper and Spike burst out laughing at that statement. Hewkii face-palmed at having started another giggle-fit out of those two.
The others merely stared at the trio in confusion. “Uh, I'll take your word for it,” said Nuparu.
________
Petrie was perched on Kongu's shoulder as the two of them thought of how to get past the stingrays guarding the cave.
“Why not try mask power?” suggested Petrie.
“I don't know,” replied Kongu. Having used his new mask power only once ó which seemed to do nothing but attract a school of eels ó the Toa of Air still wasn't sure what it could really do. “I guess it's worth a shot.” He concentrated on the rays outside the cave and activated his Kanohi mask power.
Within seconds, a pair of Takea sharks had arrived and immediately began attacking the stingrays. The two sharks put up a good fight, but were ultimately overwhelmed by the power and number of the rays.
Kongu and Petrie stared at the mouth of the cave in silence. “Uh... try again?” suggested Petrie.
Kongu turned to the little Flyer on his shoulder, not sure if he was really being serious. The Toa of Air was snapped out of his thoughts when a minor jet of flame passed in front of the cave, startling the rays. However, it wasn't enough to drive them away, and they quickly turned their attention to their attacker. Kongu walked up to the mouth of the cave and saw Toa Jaller, now locked in battle against the stingrays.
Jaller let loose another flame from his hand, but it was even weaker than the last one. He knew he needed some assistance. “Kongu! Use your mask power!” exclaimed Jaller.
Toa Kongu shook his head and said, “I'd really rather not.” He was now sure that his mask power summoned various creatures to fight on his side, but he had no way of knowing exactly what his mask would summon, and he really didn't want to see what would come next.
Meanwhile, Cera was watching the battle in disbelief. Although she knew better than to senselessly charge right in, she almost wished she could do something more than just be a helpless bystander. “Come on, Jaller! You can do better than that!” exclaimed Cera.
“Not helping, Cera!” snapped Jaller. One of the rays rammed into him, sending him down onto the ocean floor. He was about to get back up when he heard a noise behind him. He turned around and saw a crablike creature scuttling towards him. He recognized it as a Hahnah crab, which seemed to be attracted to what little fire he was able to summon. Fortunately, this large crab apparently showed no threat to the Toa of Fire. If anything, it seemed to be simply curious by his presence.
“Stop playing with that dumb sand creeper!” shouted Cera. “Get back to burning the bad guys!”
Kongu finally realized it was time to take action. Summoning his elemental powers, he unleashed an underwater cyclone that quickly scattered the rays, flinging them far away.
With the danger passed, Kongu, Petrie, and Cera swam over to join Jaller. They then heard a noise that sounded like some kind of launcher being fired. Before anyone could react, a slimy squid slammed into Kongu's back and latched itself on with its tentacles. Kongu tried to pull it off of him, but a strange feeling came over him once the squid was in place. It was draining his life energies! Kongu twitched and spasmed before sinking to the ocean floor. In the process of this, Petrie was flung off of Kongu's shoulder and landed right on Cera's back.
Jaller rushed over to the Toa of Air, but didn't make it far when he heard the launcher again. He turned around and saw another squid hurtling towards him. Jaller unleashed all of what little elemental power he could from his hand. The resulting flame was small, but it was enough to incinerate the sea creature.
The launcher was fired a third time, but Cera was prepared. She knew the attacker was behind them, so she swam over to a large rock for cover. Looking back to see the oncoming squid, she had barely enough time to shove the rock aside just enough to block the creature's path. She heard it smack into the rock and thought that was the end of it.
Cera started moving to look over when a bunch of slimy tentacles reached around the rock to try and grab her. She shrieked and shoved the rock over, squishing the squid against the rocky sea floor. She was breathing heavily ó almost hyperventilating ó from her panic. Once she noticed the tentacles had fallen limp, she knew that now the slimy sea creature was dead.
“Ha! Score one for me!” gloated Cera.
Cera and Petrie heard a crash and turned to see Jaller in the clawed grip of Carapar. The Barraki slammed Jaller against the ocean floor again, but was knocked off balance when the Toa of Fire kicked his legs out from underneath him.
Before Jaller could even get back to his feet, a large tentacle wrapped around his neck. Kalmah, who had fired those squids from his launcher, now had the Toa of Fire in his grip. Carapar quickly got back up and grabbed Jaller by the legs. “Time to make a wish,” taunted Carapar.
Cera quickly shifted her attention to the weakening Kongu. Despite her pride, she knew that taking on two Barraki would be suicide. But if she and Petrie could save Kongu, the Toa of Air might be able to do something to save Jaller.
Before Cera could even get moving, something else came to the rescue. It was the Hahnah crab, which jumped onto Kongu's back and began attacking the squid with its claws. Since the squid was already attached to its prey, there was nothing it could do to prevent itself from being ripped apart.
Kongu had been on the verge of passing out when that squid was finally torn loose. With the parasite dead, his strength began returning to him, but not as quickly as he was hoping. If he was going to save Jaller in time, he had only one option... He had to use his mask power.
Toa Kongu shut his eyes as he triggered his mask power, determined to not see what would be unleashed. It did little good, as he could feel the ocean floor starting to shake. Everyone nearby was looking around in panic, including the two Barraki. It sounded like something big was about to rise up from deep below.
Finally, the sea floor blew apart. Kongu, Cera, Petrie, and the Hahnah crab were tossed aside, tumbling through the water. Once they landed, Petrie immediately covered his eyes and pleaded, “Please no tell me what you see!”
Kongu and Cera turned to see what had just been summoned, and immediately wished they hadn't. To say this was a creature of nightmares would have been a huge understatement. It was a grotesque, clawed, two hundred foot long sea monster. It was hard to see any other details in the dark water, but what little they saw of it was already beyond terrifying. It was a beast from an ancient past that had slumbered for ages, and it had awakened in a very bad mood.
The two Barraki and their Toa captive were paralyzed in fear for only a few seconds. Kalmah made the first move by hurling Jaller towards the beast. He and Carapar used the diversion to make their escape. Kongu jumped off the sea floor and rushed to save Jaller.
The beast saw the red Toa and, without a second thought, smacked him back down with its clawed limb. Jaller collided with Kongu on the way down and they both slammed against the ocean floor. Careful not to draw the monster's attention, Cera lifted Petrie onto her back and made her way over to the two Toa. The Hahnah crab followed, much to Cera's annoyance.
Jaller rubbed his head as he looked up at the summoned beast. “What... what is that?” he asked. “Where did it come from?”
“Well, I told you I didn't want to use the mask,” replied Kongu.
Fortunately for the Toa and young dinosaurs, fate seemed to be on their side today. The ancient sea monster ignored them and swam off.
“Where's it going?” asked Cera.
“Don't know, don't care,” said Kongu.
“It gone?” asked Petrie, uncovering his eyes. He glanced around and saw nothing to be terrified about. He relaxed and let out a sigh of relief.
“Regardless, we need to find the others,” said Jaller, already starting to swim away. “Let's try this way. My mask power should be able to help us.”
“Good, because I'm not using this mask ever again,” grumbled Kongu as he, Cera, Petrie, and the Hahnah crab followed the Toa of Fire.
________
Matoro and Littlefoot were thrown roughly into a cave. Before they could even get up, a barred door was slammed shut behind them.
“You could probably break out of here, runners, if you really want to,” said Hydraxon. “Let me show you why you don't want to.” He turned around and gestured for someone out of sight to approach.
A large, crimson, mechanical being stepped out of the shadows. It carried a twin-bladed sword in its left hand, and had a weapon mounted on its right shoulder that was just like the multi-shot blaster Hydraxon had. It also held tightly to a chain with its right hand. At the other end of the chain, which served as a leash, was a vicious-looking Rahi that stood on four legs, had sharp teeth and claws, and had spiked spines along its back.
“This is Maxilos,” said Hydraxon. “Being completely mechanical, he is the perfect guard, for he cannot be bribed or deceived. His reflexes are faster than any living being. Watch.” He picked up a small rock and tossed it into the cell. The instant it passed between the bars, Maxilos reacted unbelievably fast by firing an electric bolt from its sword, blasting the rock into dust.
“The pet is Spinax,” continued Hydraxon. “Once it has your scent, it will follow you to the edge of the universe and beyond for however many centuries it takes. So I suggest you make yourselves comfortable, runners. You're going to be here for a very long time.”
Matoro and Littlefoot watched Hydraxon walk away. Only Maxilos remained, standing guard like a statue. Littlefoot sighed in defeat and slumped to the cave floor, convinced that his chances of escape were hopeless. Matoro, on the other hand, immediately began thinking of possible ways to get by the mechanical guard. Regardless of how he would do it, he knew that timing would be critical. He just needed to wait for the right opportunity.
Matoro and Maxilos stared at each other for a few tense moments. Finally, the mechanical being turned around, but remained where it stood.
This was Matoro's chance. He had to strike hard and fast. He reached out and prepared to unleash his ice power, but then he hesitated. A strange feeling came over him that he couldn't understand. He felt confusion one moment, then exhaustion the next, followed by anger, then fear, and countless other emotions. The sensation ended as abruptly as it had started, causing Matoro to collapse. He was down, but not out.
Littlefoot started paying attention to his surroundings again. Once he was sure Matoro was fine, he turned to Maxilos. The mechanical being turned around, revealing that it had changed. Its body was still the same in every way, but its eyes that were once expressionless blue lights were now an all too familiar shade of red.
“We meet again, Matoro and Littlefoot,” said Maxilos. “The last time, our positions were reversed... I was the vanquished, while you stood with the victors. But you were always wiser than Jaller, Hewkii, Cera, and the rest of those spineless, self-important fools. You two had known I wasn't gone for good.”
Matoro looked up at Maxilos and felt cold beyond any ice. “You can't be here...” he muttered in fear.
“And why not?” continued Maxilos. “This is a perfectly good, if stiff and ungainly, body. And you must admit, it is better than life as a green and black cloud stuffed inside a crystal vat.”
“Makuta...” whispered Matoro in disbelief. Although he wasn't exactly sure what “last time” Makuta was talking about, he was sure he didn't want to know about it. He then managed to speak up. “Are you here to kill us, then?”
“Are you here for the Energy Stones?” asked Littlefoot, too terrified to think what the Master of Shadows would do if he found out those stones were nowhere to be found in this universe.
“Call me Maxilos,” replied Makuta. “Everyone else here does. I prefer to keep my true identity to myself for now. As for your questions... kill you, Matoro? Steal the Energy Stones, Littlefoot? No, I'm here to free you. But first...”
Maxilos/Makuta raised his right hand toward Matoro and struck him with sonic, electric, and shattering attacks in rapid succession. None were intended to cause serious damage, but the pain was sure to last. Maxilos needed only to glance at Littlefoot to send a similar message to the little Longneck.
“Now we understand each other,” said Maxilos/Makuta. He then grabbed the cell door, ripped it off its hinges, and tossed it aside. “I'm on your side in this, Matoro and Littlefoot. You would be wise to see that I stay there.”
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Read and review, as always. Another example of how I try to add in original material, that Hahnah crab that follows Jaller is never given a name in the canon Bionicle storyline, but with the gang here I figured they would be willing to name him. I have an idea in mind, but I'd be interested in any suggestions you have. Who knows? I might end up like one of those ideas enough to use it.
Here are the images of everything first seen in this chapter:
Maxilos and Spinax (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/1/1e/Maxilos.PNG)
(the Hahnah crab appears at the bottom of the Jaller image two chapters back)
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Sorry I’m late again. :oops And I hope I don’t sound too negative in this review. I’ve been a little stressed lately and have had a hard time writing things.
After a few seconds of seemingly silence, he shut off his mask power and said, “I think I've found Kongu and Petrie.”
I would change this to “apparent”.
Meanwhile, Toa Hahli walked up to the mouth of the cave and stood perfectly still. The squid noticed her and began to reach out with its powerful tentacles. As Hahli's mask began to glow, something amazing happened that made the sea creature stop. Bands of color were traveling up and down her body, moving faster and shifting in intensity. The squid continued to watch the display, its huge eyes staring at her. After a few moments, Hahli shut off her mask power, causing the bands of color to fade away. The sea creature made no reactions at all; it had been entranced.
Ironically, some cuttlefish (the closest relatives of squid) use this exact same method to apparently mesmerize their prey and make it easier to catch. (Not sure if that’s where the Bionicle creators got the idea for the rahi Hahli mentioned afterwards.)
“Sounds good to me,” said Toa Hewkii as he swam towards them, followed by Chomper and Spike. “The problem with water it it's so... wet.”
Should be “is”.
The introduction of the Hahnah crab threw me for a bit of a loop. Though I like the idea of a team pet, :p the characters have spent the last few chapters being almost constantly attacked by sea creatures, including a virtual army of them that the Barraki appear to have at their command (and I’m still not clear on whether those creatures are simply obedient to the Barraki like a swarm of aquatic attack dogs, or if the Barraki are forcibly controlling them through telepathy or somesuch). So it’s a little confusing that, in the midst of a fight with the Barraki, a large crab shows up, and it is somehow immediately clear that it is not threatening to our heroes (and moreover apparently decides to help them). Personally I think there could have been a little more descriptiveness in that scene to make it more apparent how the gang so quickly recognized that the crab was just curious (and somehow not put off by the fighting going on around it), and was not simply another minion of the Barraki sent to attack them.
If anything, it seemed to be taking a liking to Jaller; much like how the Ussal crab Pewku had always liked to be with Takua.
In my mind, noticing that a creature is “taking a liking to you” is not something that one can observe and recognize the first time you see said creature, but more of a behavioral trend that you come to notice over a period of time. It would make more sense for this sentence to be used in a later chapter, after the crab has been following the group for a while.
Actually, I’m wondering if you really even need the crab, plot-wise. Granted, I don’t know whether the crab will later have a role in the story that can only be filled by a large armor-plated clawed sea creature, but at this point the crab seems to me to be just another character tagging along that will reduce the gang’s already scant opportunities to participate in the story. Couldn’t Cera have just as easily removed the squid from Kongu’s back (I know she already took out one of them, but Chomper’s not around and Petrie probably couldn’t do it on his own). Understand that I have nothing against the crab, and I must admit it’s refreshing for them to finally find a creature in the deep seaóa rahi, no lessóthat’s actually helpful to them.
If you do decide to keep the crab, I’m afraid I can’t think of any names at the moment. :oops What was your idea?
Before anyone could react, a slimy squid slammed into Kongu's back and latched itself on with its tentacles.
Do all squids in the Bionicle universe (like the giant squid earlier in this chapter) look like tentacled lampreys? If not, then I would say “squid-like creature”.
Jaller unleashed all of what little elemental power he could from his hand, but the flame was enough to incinerate the sea creature.
This conjunction doesn’t really suit the sentence (it is meant to imply that “despite Jaller’s weak power…”, but it comes off more like “despite Jaller’s attempt to use his power…”). I think it could be improved if you split this sentence in two and changed the second part to “The resulting flame was small, but it was enough to incinerate the sea creature”.
She heard it smack into the rock and thought that was the end of that.
I would change this to “it”.
Toa Kongu shut his eyes as his triggered mask power, determined to not see what would be unleashed.
I’m guessing you meant this to be “as he triggered his mask power”.
This is perhaps a fairly minor and subjective gripe, but I felt that the scene with the giant sea monster Kongu summoned could have a lot more impact. It just felt…lackluster, somehow (though I loved Petrie’s response; it felt very appropriate). The scene in the original text was already very short, but here it was even briefer and less descriptive. I would have liked to know a little more about what the thing looked like (is the description in the book all you have to go on?); as it is I’m not even clear whether the creature’s “claws” are like a crab’s pincers or like a set of taloned hands or paws (though I’m assuming the former).
Also, I think I still may be misunderstanding something about the way Kongu’s mask power works, since I was confused as to why the sea monster struck Jaller (even if not hard enough to seriously hurt him) if Kongu was controlling it. Does he simply have a limited degree of control over the creatures he summons, or did he lose his concentration or something so that the monster was freed from any control he might have had?
I can’t remember if I’ve ever mentioned this, but my second main concern about this story (the first being that the gang is not getting enough of a role) is that your “rewritten” version of the canon Bionicle storyline is at times less detailed and interesting to read than the original text, and that shortcomings in the descriptiveness of the original narrative simply translate to your version, rather than being compensated for by you adding in your own details.
I’m sorry that this is such broad and unspecific advice (and maybe you are already trying your best to do this, in which case I apologize again), but when you come to a part of the story that the original text skims over in terms of detail, try to use your own creativity to fill in the gaps. For instance, you can give your own description of what that sea monster looked like (surely you had some kind of mental image). It certainly doesn’t matter if it doesn’t match up with the image the creators of the original had in mind.
At the other end of the chain, which served as a leash, was a vicious Rahi that stood on four legs and had sharp teeth and claws.
I would change this to “vicious-looking”. Description-wise, it also might be worth mentioning the rows of spines on his back. (Heck, his name means “spined” in Latin.)
“We meet again, Matoro and Littlefoot,” said Maxilos. “The last time, our positions were reversed... I was the vanquished, while you stood with the victors. But you were always wiser than Jaller, Hewkii, Cera, and the rest of those spineless, self-important fools. You two knew I wasn't gone for good.”
Since the characters have already encountered Makuta since the “last time” he speaks of (in the Cord when he briefly took over Matoro’s body), maybe this dialogue should be altered somewhat. (It would make things rather interesting if Makuta brought up the fact that he had talked to Littlefoot and the others very recently, but Matoro had been absent from that meeting because it was his body that Makuta was occupying at the time.)
(the Hahnah crab appears at the bottom of the Jaller image two chapters back)
Oh. Somehow I think I mistook the crab for Jaller’s foot (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/8/82/Jaller_Mahri.png). :lol
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Pangaea: That Hahnah crab will play a minor role later on, which will be hinted at in this next chapter. To describe Kongu's mask power more specifically, I guess you could say that it does little more than summon creatures and give them a target, so he really has no control over what he summons or what they do. (There's already a Kanohi mask of Mind Control anyway. :p ) Jaller was simply in the way, as far as that sea monster was concerned. By the way, I guess I never really gave much thought in describing that sea monster since it appears very briefly, and I think it will make only one more short appearance later on. Aside from the description in the book, there is one image (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/8/88/Comic_Sea_Behemoth.png) from one of the comic books, but even that's not much, so I've decided to say that further details were hard to see.
Okay, here's the next chapter.
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Chapter 28
Stopping the Hostility
Toa Hewkii sighed in frustration. “Where did that gear-head run off to this time?”
His group had decided to split up to find Jaller, Kongu, Cera, and Petrie, and maybe even the Mask of Life if they were lucky. Hahli and Ducky had joined back up with Hewkii, Ruby, and Spike, with neither of the two groups finding anything. Now they were looking for Nuparu and Chomper, but that was proving to be difficult.
“Don't worry, I'm sure Nuparu wouldn't have gone far,” assured Hahli. “Especially since Chomper decided to go with him.”
“I have noticed that Chomper sure does like spending time with Nuparu,” commented Ruby, “and that's something I've really started to notice lately.”
“I wonder why he likes being with Nuparu so much,” added Ducky. “I do, I do.”
Spike nodded in agreement.
Hewkii swam up to yet another cave and looked inside. He turned to the others and said, “Found them.”
The others swam up to the cave and saw Nuparu and Chomper, sitting on the cave floor with their backs facing the cave entrance. There were all kinds of unusual equipment stored inside this cave, most of which were some kind of large multi-barreled weapons. Nuparu was busy tinkering with one of them while Chomper watched eagerly.
Hewkii walked into the cave and asked impatiently, “Nuparu, what are you doing?”
Chomper and Nuparu were startled by Hewkii's sudden appearance. The Toa of Earth fumbled the weapon in his hands and accidentally hit the trigger, causing a rocket-like projectile to fire from the launcher and blast a hole in the cave wall right next to Hewkii. Everyone flinched from the explosion, but thankfully, none of them were harmed.
“Um, sorry,” said Nuparu. “You shouldn't sneak up on people like that.”
“Says the Toa wearing a Mask of Stealth,” Hewkii grumbled as he stood back up. “What is all this? Planning to start a war?”
“No,” said Nuparu, looking back down at the launcher in his hands. “Just planning to still be around when it's over.”
“I actually found this cave,” Chomper spoke up. “I noticed you and most of the other Toa lost your weapons, so when I saw all of the stuff in here, I knew Nuparu would like to see it.”
Hewkii was about to say something when he heard a faint voice outside the cave. “Me hear crash-bang that way,” it said.
“Was that voice I heard Petrie's voice?” asked Ruby.
Ducky and Spike walked back to the cave entrance and looked up. Ducky pointed up and happily exclaimed, “Look! They found us! The others found us! They did, they did!”
They stepped back into the cave as Jaller, Kongu, Cera, and Petrie arrived. Though they weren't quite as enthusiastic as Ducky, they were just as pleased that they were all together again.
Hahli briefly shared a hug with Jaller before asking, “Any luck finding the Mask of Life?”
“Nothing,” replied Jaller. “No sign of the Barraki, either.”
“But there is this stupid crab thing that won't stop following us,” grumbled Cera, looking at the Hahnah crab that stayed close to Jaller's feet.
“He seems to be attracted to my flames,” added Jaller. “At least he doesn't seem harmful. Petrie told me this crab even saved Kongu's life, which in turn saved mine as well.”
“Do you have a name for him?” asked Ducky.
“You want to give it a name?” asked Cera incredulously. The others didn't even acknowledge her.
“If this crab likes fire, then I think this crab should have a name that is like fire,” said Ruby.
“How about ëTorch’?” suggested Chomper. “That's something like fire, isn't it?”
“I like it,” replied Hahli as she lightly patted the Hahnah crab. “Torch it is, then.” Jaller couldn't help but smile at the sight.
Cera rolled her eyes and thought, Great, now we're teaming up with sea creatures. How can this place get any worse?
Kongu stopped in his tracks when he noticed the big hole in the wall. “Somebody got a little smash-happy,” he commented.
“It was an accident!” Nuparu defended. “Anyway, I have no idea who these weapons belong to, but with the risk of another run-in with the Barraki, I'm not taking any chances. I think we should definitely have these launchers with us.”
“What are they?” asked Hewkii as he grabbed one of them.
“The inscription on the side says ëCordak revolving blaster’,” replied Nuparu.
“ëCordak’ is an old Matoran word meaning ëdesolation’,” added Hahli, so the young dinosaurs would understand its meaning.
“A name like that speaks for itself,” said Jaller as he grabbed one for himself and one for Hahli. “Anyone on the wrong side of a blaster like this would think twice about picking a fight.”
“Great! Let's go deep-sea fishing for Barraki,” said Kongu as he reached down and grabbed two of the blasters. He had a grin on his face as he admired the powerful Cordak blasters in his hands. He turned around and saw everyone giving him questioning looks. “What?”
“Why you take two?” asked Petrie.
Kongu smirked as he held up the blasters and simply said, “Two hands.”
Nuparu stared at the Toa of Air for a second before saying, “I don't know about you, but I'm fine with just one. Especially since there are other weapons to choose from in here.” He gestured to the stockpile of various blades, swords, shields, and other weapons stacked nearby.
Hewkii immediately grabbed a large blade. He swung it around a few times to get a good feel for it. There didn't seem to be anything special about it, but it was for that very reason that he liked it.
Jaller picked up a sword and quickly felt like it would be the perfect tool to channel his fire powers.
With Kongu refusing any other weapons and Hahli satisfied with her talon, that left only Nuparu. He was about to make a decision when he noticed Ruby handling one of the extra Cordak blasters. “Whoa! Whoa!” he shouted as he rushed over and snatched the oversized weapon out of the young Fast Runner's hands. “I'm sorry, Ruby, but that's where I draw the line.”
“But I'm not carrying it so I can use it,” defended Ruby. “I'm carrying it so Matoro can use it.”
“Let me handle that,” said Nuparu as he strapped the blaster to his back. “You saw me nearly take off Hewkii's head by accident, and I don't want something like that happening again. I'm sure you understand.”
Ruby nodded.
Nuparu turned his attention back to the racks of weapons and settled on taking a large shield with razor sharp edges.
“Speaking of Matoro, I suggest we return to the Matoran village,” said Jaller. “He and Littlefoot are probably waiting for us by now. With any luck, they should have the Matoran on our side.”
The others agreed and they left the cave. Not surprisingly, the Hahnah crab ó now named Torch ó continued to follow closely behind Jaller. It seemed to be taking a liking to Jaller; much like how the Ussal crab Pewku had always liked to be with Takua.
“If that thing's going to be following you around, why don't you make use of him by, I don't know, maybe mounting your Cordak blaster on his back?” joked Hewkii.
Jaller glanced down at Torch and replied, “I'll keep that in mind.”
________
If there was one thing the gang had learned about the Pit by now, it was to always expect the worst. Their return to Mahri Nui was proving to be no exception. Matoro and Littlefoot were nowhere to be found, and the Matoran had once again unleashed their launchers of solid air bubbles against the outsiders.
Cera barely managed to dodge one of the projectiles. “I am really starting to hate this place!” she exclaimed.
“Turn back!” shouted Defilak, who stood next to one of the launchers. “We have no need for ever-friends of the Barraki here!”
“All right, we don't have time for this,” said Jaller to the others. “Hewkii, you and I will take out the launchers, and the rest of youó”
“I know an easier way,” Hahli cut in. “Kongu, use your elemental power. Make the air inside that bubble shove him out of it.”
“What good will that do?” asked Kongu. “He has a personal air bubble around him, so he can breathe in the water. He'll just swim back into the city.”
Hahli simply smiled and said, “Oh, no, he won't. Do it.”
Kongu shrugged and then summoned his elemental powers. Defilak never saw it coming. A very powerful gust of wind flung the Le-Matoran off his feet and, with nothing to grab onto, out of the giant air bubble. Hahli wasted no time and began to swim rapidly in circles around Defilak. The velocity was soon high enough to strip away his personal air bubble, leaving him at a great risk of drowning.
The vortex of water made it difficult for everyone to see what was happening. Just when all seemed hopeless for Defilak, he was suddenly flung out of the vortex and back into the giant air bubble of Mahri Nui. The Matoran leader stood back up and saw Toa Hahli hovering in the water right in front of the launchers, an almost suicidal place for her to be.
“You see? If I wanted you dead, you would be dead,” said Hahli. “I don't. Neither do my friends. We'd like to help, if you would just stop shooting at us long enough to let us do it.”
“Why should I faith-trust you?” asked Defilak. “Nothing in the Pit can be trusted.”
“I am not of the Pit,” replied Hahli. “I am of the sea ó it belongs to me, not to the Barraki or their servants. And through me, the sea belongs to you, too.”
There was a tense moment of silence. The Toa and young dinosaurs knew that this really was their last chance at convincing these Matoran of their good intentions.
Defilak looked to the Toa of Water and finally said, “Very well. We will lower our weapons... for now. But how will you help us?”
“The Barraki have something that belongs to us,” answered Jaller. “We are going to get it back.”
“And they're going to resist... which is just too bad for them,” added Hewkii. “Give us a hand, and maybe you'll have six less Barraki to worry about when it's all over.”
Ruby suddenly remembered a promise she and her friends had made not too long ago, and whispered something to Hahli. The Toa of Water nodded and gently said, “Once that's done... there are some other friends you might want to meet. I know they will want to meet you.”
“If you are what you say you are, we have much to talk-discuss,” said Defilak. “But first, we will need to seek-find your other companions. They quick-fled into the black water and never returned... but with luck, maybe there is still a body or two left to recover.”
“This is why I hate this place so much,” grumbled Cera. “Everyone always assumes the worst.”
________
Not far from Mahri Nui, Matoro, Littlefoot, and their unlikely ally swam towards the underwater village. They were close enough to have heard the last few comments made.
“How sweet of your friends,” said Maxilos/Makuta. “They are willing to spare a moment to recover your corpses.”
“Shut up,” muttered Matoro.
“Perhaps we should swim over there and tell them reports of your deaths are... premature,” continued the possessed robot. “But not a word about who inhabits this crimson shell ó you know what I can do to your friends, if I so choose.”
Littlefoot felt almost sick to his stomach at having to join forces with perhaps the most evil being he had ever known. “Why are you doing this to us?” he asked desperately.
“Isn't it obvious?” Makuta asked rhetorically. “It's because you're so good at keeping secrets, Matoro. And you will do anything for the sake of your friends, Littlefoot.”
“Let's just get this over with,” said Matoro with resignation in his voice. The unlikely trio resumed their swim to the sunken city.
It wasn't long until the others were aware of their arrival. It was Nuparu who spotted them first. “I think we can cancel the rescue mission,” he said, pointing towards the approaching trio. “It seems they've found us.”
The five Toa and six dinosaurs were very happy to see their missing friends were alive and seemingly unharmed. Ruby was especially overjoyed. She wanted to just swim up to Matoro and hug him, but decided against that as she realized everyone would likely be watching. However, she did remind Nuparu to give Matoro that extra Cordak blaster she had asked him to bring. Like Hahli, the Toa of Ice also had a weapon that was part of his left hand, so there had been no need to bring any additional weapons.
As soon as the group had welcomed back Matoro and Littlefoot, Kongu asked a question that was on everyone's minds. “Who's the big guy with a pet?”
Matoro and Littlefoot were very reluctant about introducing their new “friend”, but they knew there was no way of avoiding it. “Uh, this is Maxilos,” Matoro hesitantly replied. “He's a fully mechanical being that I... found down in the Pit. It seems like he wants to help, so I let him follow me and Littlefoot.”
“The Rahi here is named Spinax,” continued Littlefoot, glad that Matoro handled the hard part. “His sniffer is just as good as Chomper's ó maybe even better ó so that could help us track down anyone who might have the Mask of Life.”
“That would be the Barraki,” said Cera. “Consider yourselves lucky you haven't met them yet.”
“At least that leaves us with a place to start,” said Jaller. He turned to Defilak and asked, “Do you know where exactly they dwell?”
Defilak shook his head and said, “Those who were foolish enough to search have never returned.”
“So much for that hope,” grumbled Hewkii. “Now what? Do we just search the entire ocean until we bump into one of those psychotic former warlords?”
“It is a very big area we have to search,” said Ruby, “and such a big area could take a very long time to search, and I don't think we have a lot of time to search for the Mask of Life in such a big area.”
Maxilos whispered something to Matoro. The Toa of Ice looked at the mechanoid with uncertainty. He thought it over for a few seconds and eventually decided there was no better alternative. “Perhaps we should split up,” said Matoro. “We'll be able to cover more ground in less time.”
“Good idea,” said Jaller. “But with all the hazards of the deep ocean, I feel it would best that none of us travel alone ó not just one kid with a Toa, but groups with two Toa. I'll take Kongu, Cera, and Petrie. The second group will consist of Hewkii, Nuparu, Chomper, and Spike. The rest of you will make up the third group.”
“That's all right,” said Toa Hahli, “but I will move faster on my own. After all, I'm more at home here than any of you.”
“Me too,” said Ducky. “I will go with Hahli so she will not be all alone. Yep, yep, yep.”
“I'll stay with Matoro andó” began Ruby.
“Go with Hahli and Ducky,” Littlefoot interrupted without hesitation.
“But Littlefoot, Ió”
“Just... just go with Hahli and Ducky. Please?” Littlefoot glanced up at Maxilos before quietly adding, “Trust me, it's for the best.”
Ruby looked to the Toa of Ice, who simply nodded in agreement. Ruby sighed and swam over to join Hahli and Ducky.
As the Toa double-checked their weapons, Defilak swam up to them and said, “Perhaps living so long in this night-black water has made us see only darkness in others. If you are truly about to face great trouble-danger of behalf of Mahri Nui... we would be honored to call you Toa Mahri.”
The six Toa ó now known as Toa Mahri ó smiled at this. They had already proven themselves worthy of being Toa back on Voya Nui, and now they were about to do it again for Mahri Nui. The seven young dinosaurs also couldn't help but smile at the assembled team of Toa they would be working alongside with, while also knowing that they would also need to prove themselves to the Toa that they could help in even the worst crisis their universe had ever seen.
“The honor is ours, Defilak,” said Matoro. “We'll try to prove worthy of your trust.”
-------
Read and review, as always. In the canon Bionicle storyline, all six Toa got their new weapons the moment they were transformed, but Kongu later discarded his so he could have a second Cordak blaster. No descriptions of that weapon exist, and I didn't want to come up with one since it would just get thrown away, so I made some changes to have some of the Toa actually find and grab their new weapons. (I let Hahli and Matoro have theirs from the start, since their particular weapons appear to be part of their hand, and thus irremovable.) I certainly look forward to writing the next chapter. All I'll say is that one of the gang will start to make a significant impact on this story.
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Well, another month-long wait between chapter and review. :oops Sorry about that.
“I have noticed that Chomper sure does like spending time with Nuparu,” commented Ruby, “and that's something I've really started to notice lately.”
Maybe it’s just me, but I thought that this sentence felt a little unnaturally repetitive even for Ruby. She’s basically uttering the same statement twice, rather than repeating words and phrases within the same statement.
“If this crab likes fire, then I think this crab should have a name that is like fire,” said Ruby.
“How about ëTorch’?” suggested Chomper.
If I’m going overboard on the nitpickiness here, you can ignore this suggestion, but I just thought that since the LBT dinosaurs probably aren’t used to using the word “torch” (having not encountered the word or the concept prior to the events of Quest for the Energy Stones), Chomper might be inclined to follow up with a brief explanation of the word, either for the benefit of the rest of the gang in case they aren’t as familiar with the term, or to clarify with the Toa that he is using the correct word (e.g. “Isn’t that what you call those sticks with the fire on them you guys use to light your way in dark places?”).
Hewkii immediately grabbed a large blade. He swung it around a few times to get a good feel of it. There didn't seem to be anything special about it, but that's why he liked it.
“Of” should probably be “for”. Also, “that’s why” makes the sentence sound present-tense. You could simply change it to “that was why [he liked it]”, but it might sound even better “it was for that very reason that [he liked it]”.
I think the group’s return to Mahri Nui would have been more interesting if you had described it in “realtime” rather than making a jump cut with a summary of what had happened, but compared to other cases of scenes in this story that have suffered from lack of detail, I suppose this one isn’t quite as significant.
If there was one thing the gang had learned about the Pit by now, it's[COLOR] to always expect the worst.
Should be “it was”.
“Perhaps we should swim over there and tell them reports of your deaths are... premature,” continued the possessed robot. “But not a word about who inhabits * crimson shell ó you know what I can do to your friends, if I so choose.”
*Insert “this”.
“The Rahi here is named Spinax,” continued Littlefoot, glad that Matoro handled the hard part. “His sniffer is thousands of times better than Chomper's, so that could help us track down anyone who might have the Mask of Life.”
In my opinion, it doesn’t sound quite natural for Littlefoot to say “thousands of times”; more likely he would say something like “even better than Chomper’s”. Also, I can’t help but think that Chomper might take a little offense at such a statement (I imagine he has a lot of pride in his sense of smell).
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Despite the length of this next chapter, I'm sure I would have gotten it done sooner if I wasn't so busy with other interests over the past few weeks. Anyway, it's done now (just in time to celebrate the failed Mayan doomsday :DD ), and I hope you like the bit of original material I've included.
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Chapter 29
Creeps from the Deep
Hahli, Ducky, and Ruby were swimming through a massive coral reef. They moved slowly not only so they wouldn't miss the Mask of Life ó if it was to be found here ó but also because the reef was one of the most beautiful places they had ever seen. There was such a wide variety of fish, corals, and other sea creatures that simply identifying them all would have been a lifetime's work. There was no time for that right now, but the three of them welcomed the relaxing scenery, anyway. Ruby especially appreciated it, since it helped to take her troubled mind off things.
“This place is amazing!” said Ducky, swimming around with a big smile on her face. “It is, it is!”
“Yeah,” agreed Hahli. “I wish Matoro or Jaller could see this. They are both always so serious, especially Jaller. I wonder where it's written that Toa of Fire are not allowed to smile?”
Before either dinosaur could respond, a large pincer suddenly burst from the ocean floor, grabbed Hahli by the waist, and slammed her down. In panic, Ruby and Ducky fled in opposite directions; Ruby to the left and Ducky to the right. Ducky hid behind a small rock and watched as Hahli swung her claw behind herself at her attacker. It soon struck something, causing the attacker to grunt in pain and loosen his grip just enough to allow Hahli to yank herself free.
Hahli spun around to face the black Barraki, Mantax, who was currently half-buried in the sand. Gripping his shoulder painfully, Mantax pulled himself the rest of the way out and charged at the Toa of Water, positioning himself so that the red spikes on his head would strike. Hahli jumped aside and fired her Cordak blaster at the seafloor, kicking up a thick cloud of sand.
Once the sediment dispersed, the Toa of Water was nowhere to be found. Fearing for her own safety, Ducky immediately ducked behind the rock. With Hahli missing, the little Swimmer knew that if the Barraki noticed her presence, she would be a goner.
As minutes passed by, Ducky remained crouched behind the small rock, fearing for her life. Realizing there had been nothing but absolute silence since Hahli vanished, Ducky gulped nervously as she dared to slowly peek around the rock. At first, she saw nothing. Then she noticed that Mantax had buried himself in the seafloor again, only the very top his head was barely visible. There was no doubt that he was waiting to ambush the Toa of Water again.
Ducky noticed movement to her left. She could see something approaching, but it was hard to tell what it was. The little Swimmer remembered how a mysterious dinosaur known as Hidden Runner had been apparently able to disappear because it could blend in with its surroundings. Perhaps Hahli, thanks to her Kanohi mask power, was using the same technique to sneak up on Mantax.
Just as Ducky had suspected, Hahli was revealed as she shut off her mask power and fired her Cordak blaster at Mantax. The Toa of Water had just begun to charge forward when she suddenly faltered.
Rising up from the seafloor behind Hahli was Mantax, head spikes jabbing into her leg. Unbeknownst to each other, Hahli and Ducky simultaneously turned to where they had thought the Barraki had been hiding, only to see nothing but a disrupted pile of bones. They had fallen for a decoy.
Satisfied, Mantax yanked himself loose and swam off. Hahli collapsed to the ocean floor, her body already weakening from the venom that had just been injected into her.
Ducky remained motionless in shock, unable to say or do anything. The poor Swimmer was blaming herself for Hahli's defeat. If only she had carefully watched Mantax rather than simply cowering behind a rock, perhaps she could have warned the Toa of Water about the deception. She could have done something to help Hahli, and she failed.
For the first time since she had dived into these waters, Ducky felt powerless, alone, and scared.
________
Jaller, Kongu, Cera, and Petrie had returned to the caves close to where they had recently escaped imprisonment. It had seemed like to good place to start looking for the Mask of Life, but there were simply far too many caves to count.
Toa Kongu had been surprisingly quiet for the last few minutes, which somehow was starting to get on Jaller's nerves. “All right, say it,” the Toa of Fire finally said.
“Say what?” asked Kongu, confused.
“You know what,” answered Jaller. “Some treespeak complaint about being cold and wet, bumping your head on cave ceilings, and already being tired of smelling like fish... Just say it and let's get it over with, so we can keep searching.”
“No, I don't deep-think I will.”
“Why not?”
“I don't have to,” said Kongu. “You already speak-said it. By the way, is this cave number four hundred or five hundred? I lost count.”
Cera smacked herself in the face with her right front foot, silently wishing that Jaller had not made the Toa of Air speak up.
Jaller sighed and asked, “Do you ever stop joking? You didn't act like this when you commanded the Gukko bird force in Le-Koro, did you?”
Kongu shrugged and said, “I wasn't one of six Toa deciding the fate of the universe then, either. Sure, I was grim and serious a lot of the time running the force ó but Toa Lewa taught me that sometimes a little humor helps everyone relax and keep things in perspective. Besides, Jaller,” he added with a smile, “between you and Hewkii, ëgrim and serious’ is already covered on this team.”
“Don't forget Cera and Littlefoot,” added Petrie. “They just as dark-serious, too.”
Cera took it as an insult, but didn't act on it. The little Flyer had actually brought up a good point, regarding Littlefoot. Why did he insist that Ruby not go with him and Matoro? Was he trying to hide something from his friends? If so, what was it, and why hide it? I'll need to ask him some questions, once we get back together, thought Cera. And I won't take silence as an answer!
Meanwhile, Jaller was struggling to make sense of his own team. Kongu's comments reminded him that the Toa of Air was just as capable of taking charge of the team as he was, though it wouldn't seem as obvious at first. The Toa of Fire had also trusted Hewkii to take charge if anything were to happened to him. But Hahli and Matoro were a different story. They had had almost no combat experience when they were Matoran, and yet they were the ones who refused to partner up, despite Jaller's warnings. Before this crisis is over, he thought, this team is going to have to come together behind one leader ó whether it's me or someone else.
The group of four swam into the next cave. Torch seemed hesitant about entering this particular cave, but the others paid little attention to his reaction. Expectations of finding anything ó let alone, the Mask of Life ó were very low at this point, but they knew they couldn't be too sure until they actually looked.
“Hey,” said Kongu. “What are those?”
Cera, Petrie, and Jaller turned to where the Toa of Air was pointing. To their right, the floor of the cave was covered in dozens of small white spheres. Cera and Petrie had a hunch on what these things were, but it was when Jaller decided to touch one of them that their suspicions were confirmed.
“There's something alive in there!” said Jaller, eyes wide from the unexpected find. “I can feel it moving!”
“They must be eggs!” said Cera in shock. Most nests she and her friends had seen before never had more than ten eggs, so it was the sheer number of them in this cave that surprised her and Petrie.
Kongu pointed back at the cave entrance and said, “There are more back there, and the shells are cracking. Do you think this is some kind of home-nest for really short Bohrok?”
“Or that thing that attacked you before...” replied Jaller, holding his sword and Cordak blaster at the ready. “Be prepared for anything.”
“Oh, I could prepare a lot better from outside... way outside, even,” muttered Kongu, tightening his grip on his Cordak blasters.
“Then what are we waiting for?” exclaimed Cera. “Let's get out of here before we get trapped!” Although the young Threehorn was typically more aggressive than any of her friends, even she knew when the smart choice was to run. With Petrie clinging to her back, she turned around and wasted no time getting out of the cave.
Cera looked back to see tentacles of various colors poking out from the cracks in the eggs, confirming Jaller's fears. Due to this distraction, Cera failed to notice two pairs of legs standing in her way until she collided with one of the red ones. Rubbing her head, she and Petrie looked up and froze at finding themselves face-to-face with Kalmah and Carapar.
“I'll deal with you later,” muttered Kalmah. The red Barraki snatched Cera in his tentacle and flung her up and away from the cave with incredible strength.
While Cera helplessly tumbled far away through the water, Petrie had been thrown off in her wake. The world around him kept spinning until he hit something solid. After taking a moment to shake his head to clear the dizziness, he was partially relieved to find himself sitting atop the rocky entrance to the cave. He was glad that he himself was out of harm's way, but worried about what the two Barraki would do to Jaller and Kongu.
Sucking up what little courage he had, Petrie leaned down to peer inside the cave. He had expected to see the Barraki pounding the Toa, but what he saw was even worse. The Barraki didn't need to do anything to win this fight. Jaller and Kongu were covered in dozens of those squids that Kalmah had hurled at them earlier, and their life-draining effects were already taking their toll on the two powerful Toa.
“Feed, my little ones,” said Kalmah with satisfaction. “But leave something for your master as well.”
Much as Petrie wanted to look away, he just couldn't. With Jaller and Kongu dying in front of him, and Cera almost certainly lost in the open ocean by now, only one meek thought went through his head.
Not good...
________
Hewkii, Nuparu, Chomper, and Spike had decided to start their search at the bottom of a trench. So far, they had found no sign of the Mask of Life. At least they had not yet come across any Barraki or other hostile creatures, which gave them time to think.
Spike sighed sadly.
“What's wrong, Spike?” asked Chomper from the Spiketail's back. “Do you miss the Great Valley?”
Spike nodded.
“It's okay,” assured Chomper. “I miss it, too. I bet you miss your family, too.”
Spike nodded again.
Chomper chose not to say anything else. True, he also missed his parents, but he had left them long before he and his friends had arrived in the Matoran universe. He was used to it by now, but certainly wouldn't mind having an opportunity to see them again.
Inspired by what he heard from Chomper and Spike, Nuparu turned to Hewkii and asked, “Can I ask you something?”
“What?” responded Hewkii.
“Do you ever miss home? I mean, Metru Nui?”
Hewkii shrugged and said, “Sure, I do. Don't you?”
“All the time,” said Nuparu. “I guess it's just... you were always so popular, and you had a lot of friends. You have a lot to miss, but you don't talk about home very much.”
Hewkii stopped and turned to Nuparu. “Listen, just because I don't sit around complaining about how much I miss my home and friends, that doesn't mean I don't think about them. But we have a job to do, Nuparu, and I figure the sooner we get it done, the sooner I can see home again. Feeling sad about what I miss is a luxury I don't have time for right now.”
“I understand,” said Nuparu. He turned his attention back to the trench ahead of the group and quickly noticed something unusual. “Hey, what's that?”
There was a strange object sitting in the middle of the trench. The best way to describe it was that it looked similar to the lower half of a huge tree, flipped upside down so that its roots stuck out in all directions. Chomper got down from Spike's back as the group slowly approached the unusual object. As they got closer, the “roots” appeared to be slightly moving.
Once again, Nuparu's natural ability to see in the dark allowed him to discover what was really in front of them. “Eels!” he shouted.
Just a second later, Hewkii also saw the eels. It was at that moment that the eels noticed intruders and quickly left their nest for the attack. “Oh, no, you're not,” muttered Hewkii as he triggered his mask power, increasing the pull of gravity on the oncoming eels and making them slam into the ocean floor.
“Good thing we have Toa here to protect us,” commented Chomper to Spike. Spike was always the silent type, so it wasn't surprising that he said nothing. However, if Chomper hadn't been so focused on the battle in front of him and looked back, he would have noticed the young Spiketail's mysterious absence.
Meanwhile, Toa Nuparu used his elemental powers to rip open the ocean floor, creating a deep gap wide enough for the eels' nest to fall into. Hewkii didn't waste any time with his own elemental powers as he ripped loose a large stone slab and sealed up the hole in the seafloor, trapping the nest for good. The few eels that had managed to escape swam away in panic.
Nuparu chuckled in satisfaction. “Hahli would be proud,” said the Toa of Earth. “Earth and stone, victors under the sea! Right, Hewkii?”
There was no response. Nuparu turned to Hewkii, only to see the Toa of Stone had vanished. A quick glance back confirmed that Chomper and Spike were also missing.
“Hewkii? Chomper? Where are you?” said Nuparu. Hewkii was a strong Toa, meaning that whatever happened had caught him completely off guard. Not wanting to suffer a similar fate, Nuparu quickly activated his Kanohi Mask of Stealth. Confident that he would now avoid detection, the Toa of Earth began to retrace his steps to find his missing friends.
Unfortunately, even Nuparu's best efforts weren't enough. A long claw quickly snatched the Toa of Earth and, the instant it made contact, sent a powerful electric shock through his body. The jolt was enough to immediately render the powerful Toa unconscious.
Satisfied with his latest victim, Ehlek dragged the Toa to the edge of a small canyon and tossed him over the ledge. Nuparu landed beside Hewkii, Chomper, and Spike. They weren't dead... yet. But considering where the green Barraki had dumped them, that would soon change.
________
Littlefoot couldn't believe the rotten luck he and Matoro seemed to be having lately. First, they found out they could no longer breathe air, then they got chased off by an entire village of over-reactive Matoran, locked up by a crazy jailer, and then forced to partner up with the greatest force of evil known to exist. Now, they found themselves confronted by a huge army of Takea sharks and other odd sea creatures. With odds of one to one hundred, it was clear that they were in a very bad position.
Toa Matoro knew that he would have to improvise, but he also had to be careful to not let his opponents know that he was doing so. The Toa of Ice turned to Maxilos/Makuta and said, “All right, here's what we do...” The robot made no response. In fact, the distinctive red eyes that indicated Makuta's presence had now returned to the original blue lights. The Master of Shadows had apparently decided to leave Matoro and Littlefoot on their own. Great, thought Matoro, being careful to not let his emotions show. When he's not wanted ó which is virtually all the time ó you can't get rid of him. When you do want him, he's back to being a puff of smoke someplace else.
Two Barraki, Pridak and Takadox, swam up to the front of their assembled army. Takadox was clearly full of confidence. “Tell us, Toa ó where is the Mask of Life?” he asked.
Pridak snapped his attention to the blue Barraki and quickly said something to him. Although he spoke quietly enough to not be heard, he was clearly enraged.
Littlefoot turned to Matoro and quietly asked, “Why is he angry?”
“I'm guessing they've lost the mask ó probably think we took it,” Matoro quietly replied. “But just in case we didn't, Pridak didn't want us to know. Too late, now.”
Littlefoot smiled slightly ó not so much that the Barraki would notice. If what Matoro assumed was true, then perhaps their luck was finally changing for the better.
Toa Matoro turned his attention to the two Barraki and said, “Sorry, I never discuss such important matters in the middle of an aquarium. Tell the sharks to take a walk ó or a swim ó and we can have a talk.”
Pridak smiled as the sharks slowly moved in closer. “Do you know where you are, Toa?” said the Barraki leader. “This is a Takea shark hunting ground. The sea floor underneath you is littered with the bodies of creatures that weren't fast enough to get away. Do you think you're fast enough?”
“I don't have to be,” answered Matoro. “Not as long as I'm strong enough to fight back.” He called upon his elemental powers, freezing the water surrounding Pridak and Takadox into a solid block of ice that began drifting up to the surface.
Once the frozen Barraki were out of sight, Littlefoot said, “That was easy. Nice work, Matoro!”
The victory was short-lived when they heard an explosion near the surface, followed by chunks of ice flying through the water. Pridak and Takadox quickly descended back to where they had been as they scraped off ice fragments that remained stuck to their limbs.
“Is that the best you can do, Toa?” said Pridak, mildly irritated.
Matoro turned to Littlefoot with a grim look on his face that said, “I won't like this, and neither will you.”
The young Longneck understood what Matoro had to do. It wouldn't be pretty, but they were running out of options.
“I don't know,” answered Matoro. “Are you worthy of my best?”
Matoro's Kanohi mask began to glow and Littlefoot knew what was coming. Still, he refused to look down. One by one, long dead sea creatures rose up from the ocean floor and swam up into formation behind the Toa of Ice. There were dozens ó hundreds of them! Some looked perfectly fine, while others had clearly suffered serious damage. Together, they formed one of the most formidable armies to have ever roamed the seas.
Not wanting to stick out as the weak spot, Littlefoot swam behind Matoro and clung onto his back.
Pridak stared long and hard, sizing up his foe and looking for any weak spots. Now that the little Longneck had decided to take cover, there were none to be found. “We appear to be evenly matched,” he finally said.
“Not so,” replied Matoro, spreading out his arms to his army of reanimated sea creatures. “My side has nothing left to lose.”
________
Ruby was lost ó in more ways than one.
First of all, she had gotten herself lost in the maze of coral after fleeing from Mantax's ambush. Neither the Barraki, nor Toa Hahli made any noises, so she couldn't hope to be steered in the right direction. She could swim up and over the coral reef, but that would leave her exposed out in the open ocean, and she wasn't willing to take such a risk without a Toa by her side.
In addition, the young Fast Runner was also emotionally lost. She still couldn't believe that Littlefoot had absolutely insisted that she not join him and Matoro. Couldn't he see that Hahli and Ducky would have been fine on their own? Did he not realize that she would have felt much better with his group instead? And most importantly, why did Matoro seem to completely agree with Littlefoot? None of this made any sense to her.
After wandering around in the maze of coral for countless minutes, Ruby finally reached a large clearing. She then quickly ducked behind some nearby coral when she noticed something standing in the clearing, its back turned to her. It was definitely one of the most hideous creatures she had yet encountered under the sea. He was a big brute who stood on two legs and had four arms. He had spikes along his head and limbs, and parts of his armor glowed in the dark. He held a pair of sharp blades in his lower arms. He held one of the Barraki's strange launchers in his upper right arm, and his upper left arm extended into a tentacle. But it was what the monstrous being held in that tentacle that really caught Ruby's attention.
It was the Mask of Life!
The golden glow was much fainter than when she had last seen it, but there was no doubt that she had found the Mask of Life. She would have celebrated if it wasn't for that fact that it was now in the possession of someone who looked like he could easily rip her to pieces.
But it was when the four-armed monster snatched a passing fish that she realized what her biggest problem really was. The fish was dead the moment it had been touched, and the four-armed monster sighed in disgust. He had no idea how to explain his strange new ability, but Ruby did. Remembering Vezon's words, she knew that the Mask of Life cursed anyone who touched it. In this case, it gave this beast the ability to kill anything with just a simple touch.
Clearly, Ruby was going to have a very tough time trying to retrieve the Mask of Life from this guy.
“ëStay here,’ he said,” muttered the four-armed monster. “ëKeep the mask safe.’ Safe from what? I'm bored.” He then tossed the mask behind his back as if it was worthless.
Ruby couldn't believe her luck as she watched the Mask of Life settle on the sandy seafloor. The most powerful mask in the entire Matoran universe, and this beast had just simply thrown it away like it was junk. Now it was just sitting there, waiting for her to take it. She knew that the four-armed monster would almost certainly look back at the mask in a matter of seconds ó Pridak's earlier reactions proved how irresistible such a powerful mask was. If she was going to take the Mask of Life, it was now or never!
Jumping out from her hiding spot, Ruby dashed for the Mask of Life. Her movements were slower through water than she was used to on land, but she pushed on regardless of this. She was rapidly getting closer. She reached her hand down. Just a few more steps...
In one swift move, Ruby grasped the mask, brought it close to her body, and continued running at her relatively swift pace. She got it! She had the Mask of Life! The one object that she, her friends, and the Toa Mahri had come for was now in her own hands! All she had to do now wasó
“Hey!”
Ruby felt a tentacle quickly wrap around her neck and lift her off the ocean floor. A split second later, she found herself staring at the hideous face of the four-armed monster.
“Mask not yours!” he shouted.
Ruby felt the tentacle tighten around her neck, strangling her. She choked and gagged as her neck was being crushed by the powerful tentacle. Despite the pain, she continued to grasp the Mask of Life as if it was the only thing that mattered. She knew she had to keep the mask away from this beast, but she also knew that unless a miracle were to happen, she would be dead in a matter of seconds.
-------
Read and review, as always. Just so you know, that big guy having the Mask of Life is part of the Bionicle cannon. Pridak had given it to him to keep it safe, but then he got bored and walked away from where he usually stays. It was when they noticed he had gone missing that the Barraki panicked and started going after the Toa again. Obviously, the part with Ruby is my original material, but it'll eventually get to a point where it will merge back with the cannon storyline again. By the way, Pangaea, thanks for reminding me a few chapters back that ice actually floats, so I was able to keep that in mind for this chapter.
Here are the images of everything first seen in this chapter:
Nocturn (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/c/c7/Set_Nocturn.PNG) (the four-armed monster)
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The opening scene of this chapter (at least up until Mantax’s attack) was one that I wish had been in LBT IX. I can easily imagine Ducky being exhilarated about visiting a coral reef.
I enjoyed seeing one of the Barraki behaving like an actual sea creature (a stingray, in this case). It bothers me a little that Hahli dropped her disguise before she fired her blaster, though; it seems rather foolish of her to reveal herself like that. It would make more sense to me if she had still been hidden when she fired the blaster, making it clear that Mantax only found her by seeing where her shot was fired from, and Hahli’s camouflage only dissipated after Mantax stabbed her.
Toa Kongu had been surprisingly quiet for the last few minutes, which somehow was starting to get on Jaller's nerves. “All right, say it,” the Toa of Fire finally said.
“Say what?”asked Kongu, confused.
“You know what,” answered Jaller. “Some treespeak complaint about being cold and wet, bumping your head on cave ceilings, and already being tired of smelling like fish... Just say it and let's get it over with, so we can keep searching.”
“No, I don't deep-think I will.”
“Why not?”
“I don't have to,” said Kongu. “You already speak-said it. By the way, is this cave number four hundred of five hundred? I lost count.”
Cera smacked herself in the face with her right front foot, silently wishing that Jaller had not made the Toa of Air speak up.
This whole conversation was amusing, but for some reason, Cera’s facepalm (facepaw? facefoot?) at the end was what really sold it for me. :lol
By the way, is this cave number four hundred of five hundred?
This should be “or”, shouldn’t it?
They had * almost no combat experience when they were Matoran, and yet they were the ones who refused to partner up, despite Jaller's warnings.
* An extra “had” should be inserted here.
He was glad that he himself was out of harm*s way, but worried about what the two Barraki would do to Jaller and Kongu.
* Insert an apostrophe.
Spike sighed sadly.
“What's wrong, Spike?” asked Chomper from the Spiketail's back. “Do you miss the Great Valley?”
Spike nodded.
“It's okay,” assured Chomper. “I miss it, too. I bet you miss your family, too.”
Spike nodded again.
Chomper chose not to say anything else. True, he also missed his parents, but he had left them long before he and his friends had arrived in the Matoran universe. He was used to it by now, but certainly wouldn't mind having an opportunity to see them again.
Nuparu turned to Hewkii and asked, “Can I ask you something?”
“What?” responded Hewkii.
“Do you ever miss home? I mean, Metru Nui?”
Hewkii shrugged and said, “Sure, I do. Don't you?”
“All the time,” said Nuparu. “I guess it's just... you were always so popular, and you had a lot of friends. You have a lot to miss, but you don't talk about home very much.”
Hewkii stopped and turned to Nuparu. “Listen, just because I don't sit around complaining about how much I miss my home and friends, that doesn't mean I don't think about them. But we have a job to do, Nuparu, and I figure the sooner we get it done, the sooner I can see home again. Feeling sad about what I miss is a luxury I don't have time for right now.”
Personally I think that a better way to write this scene would be to have a single conversation between Chomper, Spike, Nuparu, and Hewkii, rather than two separate conversations on similar subjects between the respective pairs.
It was at that moment that the eels noticed intruders * quickly left their nest for the attack.
* Insert “and”.
It seemed that this entire chapter was a series of each group of characters ending up in a situation of apparent imminent doom, so it was refreshing to see one group (Matoro and Littlefoot) finally gaining the upper hand for a change. Things have been so consistently bad for the protagonists lately that I’m worried that in the next chapter the Barraki will come up with yet another trump card that utterly defeats Matoro’s zombie sea creature army, and the odds will be stacked against the gang yet again. I hope not, though.
The golden glow was much fainter than when she last saw it, but there was no doubt that she had found the Mask of Life.
Should be “had last seen”.
I really enjoyed the last scene of the chapter, partly because it was all original material, and also because it was great to see one of the gang doing something proactive for the titular quest.
There are two things readers might be confused about, however. One is why, if the Mask of Life cursed Nocturn to kill anything he touched, why Ruby did not die the instant he grabbed her. My guess (which may not be correct) is that Ruby is rendered immune to his curse as a result of holding the mask. If that is the case, then it would give Ruby another very good reason not to let go the mask; something that you could potentially mention in the text. (It would also mean that, ironically, if Ruby were to give in and drop the mask, she would die instantly from being in contact with Nocturn; her only chance of survival would be for Nocturn to release her first. Maybe she could trick Nocturn into letting her go and giving her a chance to get away by informing him of this fact and telling him that she’ll give Nocturn the mask if he lets go of her?)
The other issue is, isn’t Ruby concerned about being cursed herself when she touches the mask? Does the curse only affect creatures from the Matoran universe?
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Pangaea: Your questions about what happened to Ruby will be answered in this next chapter. Once thing I can say right here is that the mask's curse is not permanent (except for the first guy to have been cursed by that mask, but that's a different story). When Nocturn threw away the Mask of Life, the curse it had on him wore off after a few seconds, because he was no longer touching it. So, in a way, you could say that Ruby wanted to keep the mask away from Nocturn because if he touched it, that curse would come back to him. But that's not the only reason Ruby isn't dead. ;)
Here's the next chapter.
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Chapter 30
Underwater Skirmishes
Nocturn ó the four-armed monster who was now strangling Ruby ó finally had something to be excited about. Ever since Pridak had “politely asked” him to hold the shiny mask, he had been completely bored with such pointless guard duty. True, his sudden new-found ability to kill with just a touch had been amusing for a short time, but he soon realized that it took all the fun out of hunting. He was no longer interested in the mask, and had decided to give it back to the Barraki. The only problem was that he had no idea where they were.
But now, he was definitely not bored. An odd-looking pink creature had been foolish enough to try to take the mask, and he was more than happy to follow through with Pridak's orders: “consider them a free meal.” It felt great to finally have something in his grasp, struggling for its life.
However, as seconds turned to minutes, his excitement faded away again. This time, it wasn't replaced with boredom, but with frustration. Nocturn tightened his grip on the pink creature's neck, but she continued to struggle and gasp, her iron grip on the mask never failing.
Nocturn growled in frustration as he tightened his grip even further. Nothing seemed to change. He put all of the strength he could possibly muster into his tentacle. He was certain he was now squeezing with enough force to decapitate the creature, but she still continued to struggle.
Nocturn roared in frustration and shouted, “WHY WON'T YOU DIE!?”
A massive rock suddenly landed hard on Nocturn's head, causing him to roar in pain and drop the pink creature in his grasp
Ruby struggled to breathe. Although she was miraculously still alive, she was also very weakened from the incredible constrictive force of that tentacle. But as Nocturn continued to stumble around aimlessly from the impact, she knew she had to at least try to get away. At first, she was only able to drag herself across the sea floor, but then she started feeling her strength gradually return to her. Soon, she was crawling, then staggering, then walking, and then finally running, as if there was nothing wrong with her at all.
Ruby quickly made her way back into the maze of coral. She hoped that it would be easy to lose the beast that would inevitably follow her, especially since many of the passages would be too tight for him to squeeze through.
Ruby ran around another corner and was surprised to see a familiar young Threehorn. “Cera?” she asked as she came to a stop.
“Don't ask me how I got here,” responded Cera. “What matters is that I saw you were in trouble and was able to save your life.”
Rube realized that Cera must have pushed that large rock off a cliff and onto Nocturn's head. “Oh, thank you, Cera,” said Ruby. “But... you should have been too late to save me. That... thing... he was choking me for a long time by the time you saved me. I should have been dead by the time you saved me, but I'm not dead. Why am I still alive when I should be dead? For that matter, why do I not even feel hurt at all?”
As Ruby was busy speaking her thoughts, Cera finally noticed that Ruby was carrying a certain shiny object. “Uh, Ruby? Is that... the Mask of Life?” she asked, hardly believing that it could be true.
Cera's question snapped Ruby out of her thoughts. “Oh! Yes, it is the Mask of Life. I saw that big guy had the mask, but then he threw it away, so I decided to take it, but I guess he still wanted this mask.” Ruby's eyes widened as a sudden realization occurred to her. “Of course! It all makes sense now! I'm holding the Mask of Life!”
“Yes, I can see that,” said Cera, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“Don't you remember what Vezon said about the Mask of Life?” continued Ruby. “The Mask of Life curses anyone who touches it. And since I'm the one holding the Mask of Life right now, the mask is cursing me. It seems to have cursed me by preventing me from dying or even getting hurt. That is why you were not too late to save me, because as long as I held onto the mask, my life was never in any danger.”
Cera was very skeptical of what Ruby just said. “I find that hard to believe,” said Cera. “But at least we have it now. Let's find the others so we can finish saving this universe.”
A large hand rushed forward and barely missed grabbing onto Ruby. Ruby and Cera jumped back to see Nocturn, wedged between the narrow walls of coral, trying to reach for the Mask of Life.
“Mask not yours!” he shouted. He then stepped back and began shattering the coral with the blades of his lower arms.
Cera knew that they had to keep the mask away from this monster, no matter what. “Get out of here!” she told Ruby. “I'll hold him back.”
Ruby immediately turned and headed further into the coral reef. There was no time for second thoughts. Cera was willing to buy Ruby some time, and she absolutely had to take advantage of it.
Within seconds, Nocturn had demolished enough of the coral to allow him to pass though. Cera stood defiantly in his path and said, “If you want her, you'll have to go through me first!”
Nocturn had no time for such nonsense, so he casually picked up Cera with his tentacle and flung her away. He would hunt her down later, but right now, he had to get that mask back.
Ruby quickly ran out of the coral reef. Not much further from where it ended, she found herself at the edge of a very deep trench with sheer vertical walls. The dark water below prevented her from seeing just how deep it really was. With nowhere else to go, she turned around, only to see a very angry Nocturn marching right up to her.
“Mask not yours!” he shouted. “Give me mask, now!” If this pink creature valued its life, then it would certainly give up the mask right away.
Ruby looked up at Nocturn, back to the trench, then down at the glowing mask in her hands. Her panicked expression quickly changed to one of determination. There was a reason the Mask of Life was in her hands, and she was going to take advantage of it. “If you really want this mask, then you will have to come and get this mask!” exclaimed Ruby, before turning around and jumping off the cliff and into the deep trench.
“What? Hey!” Nocturn reached for the mask with his tentacle, but he had acted just a second too late. The pink creature was now beyond his reach as she plunged deeper into the trench. He looked over the edge. If not for the glowing mask, he would have already lost sight of the odd creature by now. As the light grew fainter, one thing was clear to Nocturn: “Pridak's not going to like this,” he muttered to himself.
Not willing to face the wrath of Pridak, Nocturn had no choice but to go after the mask. Simply jumping was nearly suicidal, so he decided to climb down the rock wall of the trench. He stabbed the blades of his lower arms into the rock, alternating between one and the other as he quickly descended after the Mask of Life.
________
Once Ducky was sure that Mantax wasn't coming back, Ducky swam over to Hahli's motionless body. The little Swimmer was on the verge of tears, convinced that the Toa of Water was dead. “I am so sorry, Hahli,” Ducky quietly said. “I wish I could have done something to help you. Yep, yep... yep.” She sadly embraced Hahli's mask, and stayed like that for a few seconds.
“You have nothing to worry about.”
Ducky was startled and jumped back as Hahli lifted her head to look at her. “Hahli? You are alive!?” asked Ducky.
“Thanks to my mask power, once again,” replied the Toa of Water. “There are a few Rahi that are immune to such venom, so it was simply a matter of calling upon that ability.”
“But you looked like you were...”
“I decided to play dead, because I figured Mantax wouldn't bother staying if he thought he had won.”
“If that is why you did that, then it worked very well. It did, it did. I do not see Mantax anywhere. No, no, no.”
“Excellent,” said Hahli as she stood back up. “Now let's go find him again.”
That caught Ducky by surprise. “Why?” she asked. “I thought we should stay away from the Barraki.”
“We don't have the Mask of Life, but neither does he,” replied Hahli as she began to swim away. “Perhaps with a few words of encouragement, I could convince him to work with us.”
“Oh, no, no, no,” said Ducky, shaking her head as she swam up onto Hahli's back. If they were going to encounter Mantax again, she didn't want to be out in the open. “The Piraka were bad enough. I do not like working with bad guys like this. No, no, no.”
“Just trust me, Ducky. I know what I'm doing.”
Ducky found Hahli's new attitude to be rather unsettling. Perhaps it was a side-effect of having the knowledge to deal with the Barraki, or perhaps it was because she was now a Toa and had to take more responsibility, or maybe it could have been for both reasons. Either way, Ducky knew she was in safe hands with Toa Hahli. That just left only one question. “What about Ruby?” asked Ducky.
“Don't worry, I'm sure we'll find her,” answered Hahli. “She's likely hiding somewhere in the reef.” By now, the Toa of Water and her little companion had left the coral reef and now swam across some rocky terrain.
It wasn't long until they found the black Barraki. Although he had not yet spotted them, Hahli didn't waste any time. Calling upon her elemental powers, Hahli sent forth a rush of water that pulled Mantax off his feet and slammed him against a rock wall. She unleashed another sudden current in the other direction, sending Mantax against another wall of rock. Not once, did the Toa of Water stop her advance. She was now close enough to the dazed Barraki to speak with him.
“Riptide,” said Hahli. “You really should watch out for those.”
“Impossible,” said Mantax. “Riptides only happen near the shore. We are nowhere near land.”
“Nothing is impossible,” said Hahli. “I learned the ways of water from Turaga Nokama and Toa Gali. The ocean shelters me, heals me... and obeys me.”
Hahli unleashed a third current, but Mantax was ready this time. He anchored himself to the rock with his pincer, preventing him from going anywhere. “Then speak, Toa,” said Mantax. “A Barraki knows when to fight and when to listen.”
“Why did you attack me?”
“How did you survive?”
“There are beasts of the sea immune to any venom, and I am as well, if I choose,” answered Hahli.
“I want the Mask of Life,” said Mantax. “I thought you had it.”
“And I thought you did,” said Hahli. “While we're fighting, whoever does have it will be escaping with it.”
“Your friends?”
“No,” said Hahli, shaking her head. “Yours.”
Mantax pondered those words. Toa ó well, most of them ó rarely betrayed each other, and could hardly be considered ruthless. That also meant that Toa typically never lied. His expression turned serious as he realized what the Toa of Water was implying.
“I have no friends,” Mantax said coldly. “Only enemies I haven't killed yet.”
Ducky could only shake her head as she continued to cling onto the Toa's back. As much as she loved the water, she was finding the Pit to be one of the worst places she had ever visited. At this point, she was even willing to give up her ability to breathe underwater if it meant taking her away to a much friendlier place.
_______
Chomper woke up, confused by his surroundings. The last thing he remembered was watching Hewkii and Nuparu fight off a nest full of eels. Now he found himself at the bottom of a rather deep trench. He noticed Spike and Nuparu were still down, nearby. The young Sharptooth turned around and saw Hewkii looking away from the unconscious group. “Hewkii?” asked Chomper. “What's going on?”
Toa Hewkii turned back to see Chomper was now awake. “My guess is we got ambushed and tossed into this trench,” answered Hewkii. “And before you say anything else, you might want to take a look at the sides of this trench.”
Chomper looked up and saw holes all over both sides, but it was what was in those holes that worried him. Jutting partially out of each hole was an eyeless eel, its mouth full of very sharp teeth. These eels would occasionally rush out to snatch any fish that were unfortunate enough to pass by. There was no way of knowing just how long these eels were, but seeing as some of them reached more than halfway across the trench, it was safe to assume they were quite long indeed.
Chomper gulped at what he saw. “Something doesn't want us to leave,” he said grimly.
“Then that's too bad for them,” said Hewkii, “because I sure don't intend on staying here. All we need is a plan...”
His first idea was to use his mask power. Rather than risk his ó or Chomper's ó life, he decided to test it out on a nearby rock. Calling upon his Kanohi Mask power, Hewkii cut off all of the gravity on that rock, causing it to rise quickly. Unfortunately, the eel's reflexes were even quicker, as it soon snatched the rock in its mouth and thrashed around a bit before spitting it back out.
Hewkii took a step back and said, “Good thing I decided to do a test run, first.”
“Why not use your mask on them, instead?” suggested Chomper.
“If you can tell me how many of them there are, I'll be happy to give it a try,” remarked Hewkii.
Chomper nodded, understanding Hewkii's point. “What about your stone powers?” he suggested next.
Hewkii figured it was worth a try. Calling upon his elemental powers, Toa Hewkii raised a large rock up to one of the holes, shoved the eel back into it, and sealed it up. However, once he broke his concentration on the rock, the sediment immediately gave way and the rock tumbled back down to the bottom of the trench.
“Any other ideas?” asked the Toa of Stone.
Chomper shrugged. “How about you?”
“A few, but they're rather risky.” Hewkii looked over at the unconscious Toa of Earth and added, “Maybe Nuparu will have some better ideas.”
“Good idea, Hewkii,” said Chomper, nodding in approval. “I'll go wake up Spike, while you're at it.”
Hewkii walked up to Toa Nuparu and shouted, “Nuparu! Wake up!”
“Go away,” muttered Nuparu. “I don't want to go to work today. There's a spare Boxor vehicle over there, if you want one.”
“Nuparu, you kolhii-head, you're dreaming!” exclaimed Hewkii, before smacking the Toa of Earth in the head. “And if you don't wake up quick, you might not wake up at all.”
Nuparu jumped awake and took a quick glance at his surroundings. Rubbing the back of his head, he irritably said, “What did you hit me for? You know we can get out of here whenever we like.”
“Good. Then tell them,” replied Hewkii, gesturing over his shoulder at the countless eels above.
While Hewkii explained the situation to Nuparu, Chomper did everything he could get Spike up, but that was easier said than done. “Come on, Spike!” groaned Chomper as he pushed against the Spiketail. He then kicked Spike in frustration, but that only resulted in a hurt foot.
Running low on ideas, the young Sharptooth looked over at Spike's tail. Chomper really didn't want to do this, but time was crucial, and he could always apologize. He sighed before he walked up to Spike's tail, opened his mouth, and bit down hard on the tail.
Spike immediately bolted awake, yelping in pain. He looked back to see Chomper ó who had let go as soon as he was awake ó looking down shamefully.
“I'm sorry I had to do that to you, Spike, but we can't stay here much longer,” said Chomper, looking over to the two Toa nearby. Spike followed his gaze, curious about what could have prompted Chomper to take such a drastic action.
“Before I tried anything that could get us permanently dead, I figured I'd better wake you up,” Hewkii finished explaining to Nuparu.
“I know a way out,” said Nuparu. “But I'll need your help to make it work.”
“Does it involve levers, pulleys, bits and pieces of Bohrok, or gears bigger than I am?” asked Hewkii.
“No,” said Nuparu, a grin forming on his face. “It involves explosions. Lots and lots of explosions.”
Hewkii smiled and said, “Then I'm your Toa.”
Chomper never really admitted it to anyone ó not even Ruby ó but he always found destruction to be quite fascinating, especially the explosive kind. Naturally, he was quite eager to see what Nuparu had in mind.
After Nuparu finished explaining his plan, he and Toa Hewkii stood back to back, while Chomper and Spike stood between the two Toa. As far as they knew, this was their only way out, and they would have only one shot at getting it right.
“Go!” shouted Hewkii.
Calling upon his elemental powers, Toa Nuparu made the earth beneath the group's feet quickly rise up as a column. As the pillar carried them higher, the two Toa fired their Cordak blasters at every eel they could see. While most of the eels weren't hit directly, many were sent flying in all directions from the explosions.
Chomper couldn't help but smile at their progress. They were already more than halfway to the top. But then he spotted one particular eel launch itself straight at Hewkii. “Look out!” he shouted.
The warning came too late, as the eel wrapped itself around the Toa of Stone. Hewkii was thrown off balance and almost fell off of the rising column, but Nuparu was able to grab his arm. Now that eel was being dragged up with them, and it was reaching for Hewkii's neck.
“Let go!” shouted Hewkii. “I can't shoot the blaster with you so close!”
“If you use it at such close range, you'll blow your own head off!” Nuparu shouted back. He dropped his Cordak blaster nearby and grabbed the eel near its head. The eel thrashed its head around, trying to strike its prey.
Now that he had some breathing space, Hewkii was able to use his mask power to cut off all gravity for just the eel. The sudden change caused the eel to loosen its hold on the Toa of Stone and, once Nuparu let go, float up above the group. Then, with a level of skill that amazed Chomper and Spike, Hewkii raised and lowered gravity on certain parts of the body, resulting in the eel being tied into a knot. He shut off his mask power, grabbed the now incapacitated eel, and flung it back down into the trench.
Nuparu and Hewkii clanked their fists to congratulate each other, not only for getting rid of that eel, but also because they had now made it to the top of the trench. Unfortunately, it seemed a certain Barraki had prepared for their escape.
“Did you really think you could escape so easily, Toa?” taunted Ehlek, who stood amongst about three dozen electric eels.
“Uh-oh,” said Chomper, taking a step back in fear.
Spike cowered behind the Toa and put his forelegs over his head.
“All right, let's take him apart,” grumbled Hewkii. “And when we're done down here, I don't want to see even a puddle of water ever again.”
“Got a better idea,” whispered Nuparu with a smile on his face. “There are a few big sharks swimming way above where our friend is standing. What do you think would happen if they suddenly gained weight?”
Toa Hewkii nodded, quickly understanding what Nuparu had said. Triggering his Kanohi mask power again, Hewkii increased the gravity around the sharks that were barely visible in the water above. The sharks plummeted, slamming into Ehlek and his eels. Convinced it was a deliberate attack, the eels responded with electric shocks, which prompted the sharks start a real attack. As the eels scattered, Ehlek quickly swam for safety. It was hard to hear exactly what the green Barraki said, but it was clear that he was now furious at Pridak.
“You know what?” said Nuparu. “I think we just ruined a friendship.”
“Yeah,” agreed Hewkii, smiling. “And I'm all broken up about it.”
It was only a matter of seconds before Chomper, Spike, Hewkii, and Nuparu were all laughing. They couldn't deny how great it was to watch their enemies turn against each other. With the Barraki's attention no longer on them, the group turned away and began to head back to Mahri Nui.
________
Petrie could only watch in horror as Jaller and Kongu slowly succumbed to the dozens of little squids that drained their life energies. But then Jaller reached over and grabbed Kongu. Petrie assumed Toa Jaller must have used his elemental power to heat up their bodies because within a split second, all of the squid quickly detached themselves and swam away.
With the squid gone, the two Toa slowly stood back up, their strength already returning to them. Despite the victory, Petrie decided to stay hidden until he was absolutely sure the two Barraki were gone.
“You call yourselves warlords?” Toa Kongu spat. “Warlords don't quick-hide behind Rahi beasts. They do their own killing.”
“We are also smart enough to tell when an enemy is trying to bait us,” said Kalmah. “In our time, entire nations bowed before us... cities fell... armies were destroyed. Do you really think a group of condemned Toa will prove more than a moment's annoyance?”
“We weren't condemned here,” said Jaller. “You Barraki got it wrong.”
“Why else would you be here?” asked Carapar. “Nobody comes here unless they have to.”
“We came from an island on the surface called Voya Nui,” replied Jaller. “We're here for the Mask of Life. Help us get our hands on it, and we'll show you the way out of this place.”
Petrie could hardly believe that Jaller was willing to make a deal with the Barraki. He had never expected to see anything like this, before coming to the Pit. Perhaps there was something about this place that seemed to bring out the worst in everyone.
Kalmah had a different reaction to Jaller's offer. He laughed for a long time, not a pleasant sound for most Toa. “Escape to where? Look at us, Toa ó we have been changed by this place. We can no longer live on the surface, and neither can you.”
Jaller smiled and said, “But the mask can change that ó that's what you think, isn't it? That's why you want it. We can make a deal... or we can fight, and risk the mask getting destroyed in the battle.”
“Since when do Toa make deals?” asked Carapar, snapping his claw angrily at the Toa of Fire. “Don't treat us like we're Rahi. Before we wound up here, your kind lived in fear of us. Everyone did.”
“Past days,” said Kongu. “Is that all you have?”
“We earned the right to rule,” said Kalmah quietly. “It is a right we never willingly surrendered. If we aid you now, it means going up against our allies... What do you have to offer that is worth that?”
Jaller was silent for a moment before speaking up again. “When the Mask of Life is back in our hands, Barraki, we'll make sure you get all you have earned and everything you deserve. Oppose us, and I swear to you by Mata Nui, we will destroy the mask before you ever get your claws on it.”
There was a tense moment of silence. Would the Barraki really agree to such a deal?
“Your offer is intriguing,” said Kalmah. “But promises and vows mean nothing beneath the waves. Even if we agreed, Pridak would never go along with aiding Toa. So you are going to do a favor for us in return for our assistance.”
“What favor?” asked Jaller.
“Kill Pridak. Then we'll talk.” And with that, Kalmah left the cave, soon followed by Carapar.
Petrie remained hidden as the two Barraki swam passed. By the time Jaller and Kongu walked up to the mouth of the cave, Petrie felt safe enough to leave his hiding place and rejoin the Toa. Torch, the Hahnah crab, also quickly rejoined the group.
Jaller was relieved to see one of the young dinosaurs was okay, but quickly realized the other one from their group was missing. “Where's Cera?” he asked.
“Barraki quick-fling her out of cave,” replied Petrie. “Me no see where she went.” He shrugged at this last statement.
Kongu stared out at the open water outside of the cave and muttered, “We'll never quick-find her out there.”
“Let's just hope she knows the way back to Mahri Nui,” added Jaller, “because that's where we're heading, next. It's time to regroup.”
Petrie perched himself on Kongu's shoulder as the two Toa swam back to the underwater village. “You really make deal with Barraki?” asked Petrie, still concerned about what had been said back in the cave.
Kongu turned to the young Flyer and simply said, “Toa don't kill.”
It was all he needed to hear to know the deal was already off.
________
It was beyond the scariest sleep stories Littlefoot had ever had. He and Toa Matoro were surrounded by chaos and carnage as Takea sharks fought against their reanimated victims, in vain. The sharks may have been powerful, but their foes were filled with artificial life, making them practically invincible. Every time one would fall, Matoro's Kanohi mask power simply brought them back. Littlefoot just wanted to look away and wish that everything would just stop. He turned to Matoro, and his expression showed that the Toa of Ice had similar thoughts.
“Is this the price the Mask of Life asks to save the Great Spirit Mata Nui?” Matoro asked himself as he continued to stare at the battle in front of them. “Already, we've seen Matoran enslaved, Piraka driven mad, Brutaka betraying everything he ever believed in, all in the name of a cursed mask. And now more death and destruction, this time through my actions. Where does it end?”
“It doesn't, you fool,” said Maxilos.
Matoro and Littlefoot turned back to the mechanoid behind them. The glowing red eyes indicated that Makuta had returned.
“So... You are still in that body,” said Matoro. “I thought you had fled at the first sign of danger.”
“It seemed like a good idea to remain silent,” replied Maxilos/Makuta. “The Barraki and I are... old friends. It is an acquaintance I prefer not to renew.”
“I don't think you'll have a choice,” said Littlefoot. “They're not backing down.”
“There are always choices... some easier than others,” continued Makuta. “The Barraki made theirs eighty thousand years ago when they decided to challenge Mata Nui. Now they are living with the consequences.”
“Just like you?” asked Matoro.
Makuta laughed from within the mechanical body of Maxilos. “Yes, I made my choices, too. But it is not I who will have to face the consequences of them ó it's you and your kind, Toa. You have not yet begun to pay the price demanded of you.”
A sudden change in the movements of the battle made the three of them snap their attention to the right flank of Matoro's reanimated army. A large school of Takea sharks plowed their way through the ranks, with no signs of slowing down. Matoro tried to react quickly by freezing solid as many of the sharks as he could, but there were just too many.
“You could help!” Matoro snapped at Makuta. “You keep saying you want me to win.”
“Choices, little Toa,” said the Master of Shadows. “It all comes down to choices. Unless I'm mistaken, the Barraki called Ehlek has made a very bad one for himself and a very good one for us.”
To the right of the advancing sharks, Matoro and Littlefoot now saw a massive army of eels in numbers beyond counting. But this army wasn't heading for them ó they were charging towards the sharks. Their sheer numbers, combined with their electric shocks, sent the sharks scattering, completely destroying Pridak's attack. They didn't need to look to the white Barraki to know how furious he now was at a certain “ally”.
“What's going on?” asked Littlefoot. “I thought all the Barraki were on the same side.”
“Throw a group of your enemies into the vilest prison imaginable and they will forge a stronger bond, for they are all sharing the same misery,” replied Makuta. “But offer even the glimpse of a means of escape, and they will tear each other to shreds scrambling for the exit.”
Neither Matoro nor Littlefoot said anything in response. Just moments earlier, they thought they were seeing something beyond their worst imaginations, but what they were seeing now just took it another step further. The armies of Pridak and Ehlek were tearing each other apart, quickly forgetting who their real enemies were. Takadox was not willing to choose sides, and had decided to pull his army out of the chaos. Not wanting to spend another moment in front of such carnage, Matoro shut off his mask power, letting the remains of the dead float back down to the bottom of the ocean. Without a word, Matoro and Littlefoot left the battlefield and began swimming back to Mahri Nui, followed closely by the possessed robot.
“Consider yourselves lucky,” continued Makuta. “It's not every day one gets to see a war begin.”
If this is what war is like, then I never want to see another one for the rest of my life, Littlefoot thought grimly.
-------
Read and review, as always. Things will get very interesting for Ruby and the Mask of Life in the next chapter.
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Once thing I can say right here is that the mask's curse is not permanent (except for the first guy to have been cursed by that mask, but that's a different story). When Nocturn threw away the Mask of Life, the curse it had on him wore off after a few seconds, because he was no longer touching it.
Oh. Duh, :slap I forgot about that. It appears that my crappy memory is causing me to lose the plot. :oops
I guess my next question is, how directly do you have to be touching the Mask of Life in order for its curse to affect you? For instance, if you picked the mask up with a pair of tongs, would you be safe from the curse? :p
An odd-looking pink creature had been foolish enough to try to take the mask, and he was more than happy to follow through with Pridak's orders: “consider them a free meal.”
I’m pretty sure the first letter should be capitalized, though it may be a stylistic choice.
Ruby's eyes widened as a sudden realization occurred to her. “Of course! It all makes sense now! I'm holding the Mask of Life!”
“Yes, I can see that,” said Cera, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
While not quite a laugh-out-loud moment, I found Cera’s context-oblivious response here amusing, and totally in-character for her. :lol
He then stepped back and began shattering the coral with the blades of his lower arms.
Hey, you, that stuff takes hundreds of years to grow! Stop damaging the reef ecosystem! :p
Nice save by Hahli, too (both the venom immunity trick and playing possum afterwards). I didn’t see that coming.
These eels would occasionally rush out to snatch any fish that were unfortunate * to pass by. The was no way of knowing just how long these eels were, but seeing as some of them reached more than halfway across the trench, it was safe to assume they were quite long indeed.
*Did you mean to include the word “enough” here?
Also, “The” should be “There”.
And while not technically an error, I think you should include the detail that the eels have no eyes. (If they’re like a lot of poorly sighted deep-sea fish, they probably have no pigment either, and would appear ghostly white, if you wanted to use that as well.) It helps to visualize them better.
“Then that's too bad for them,” said Hewkii, “because I sure don't intend on staying here. All we need is * plan...”
*Insert “a”.
Nuparu jumped awake and took a quick glance at his surroundings. Rubbing the back of his head, he irritably said, “What did you hit me for? You know we can get out of here whenever we like.”
“Good. Then tell them,” replied Hewkii, gesturing over his shoulder.
Please forgive my cluelessness, but until I checked the quoted text, I couldn’t tell for certain that Hewkii was gesturing at the eels. I think you should specify that. (Also, maybe you should clarify that he’s gesturing above him, since “over his shoulder” sounds like he’s just pointing behind him at Chomper and Spike.)
He then kicked Spike in frustration, but that only resulted in a hurt foot.
:lol
Chomper never really admitted it to anyone ó not even Ruby ó but he always found destruction to be quite fascinating, especially the explosive kind.
Heh. Looks like Chomper would be a MythBusters fan. :p
The sudden changed cause the eel to loosen its hold on the Toa of Stone and, once Nuparu let go, float up above the group.
Should be “change caused”.
Nice work on the description of the sharks vs. zombified sea creatures battle, especially Littlefoot’s point of view of it. And great choice of line for closing the chapter. :yes
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Pangaea: Yes, it is safe to handle the Mask of Life with something like a pair of tongs; that's how two of the creators of the mask were able to carry it down to the Chamber of Life under Voya Nui. (They were very careful with it after they saw what it did to one of their own, the first guy to have been cursed by it.)
Here's the next chapter, where things get rather interesting.
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Chapter 31
Dark Waters
The Toa Mahri and young dinosaurs regrouped at the edge of Mahri Nui. Each group had arrived at relatively the same time. But after waiting for nearly a half hour, Hahli, Ducky, Ruby, and Cera had yet to arrive, which left the others very worried. Even worse, the situation from the Matoran's perspective had gone from bad to worse.
“I've received reports that the sea has gone mad-crazy,” Defilak told the Toa and kids urgently, as other Matoran scrambled around him to strengthen the city's defenses. “Sharks are at war with eels, keras crabs and squid have quick-vanished from the waters, and there are rumors of attacks by rays on anything that moves. The safe hour we have always relied on each day is no more.” His voice became more desperate. “What have you done? We have ever-lost two of our herders and half a dozen Hydruka in the last six hours! The battles come closer to the borders of Mahri Nui every moment! Is this how you protect us?”
Hewkii shrugged and said, “Turning them against each other seemed like a good idea. Who knew they would be so good at destroying each other?”
“It was a good idea,” said Jaller. “Remember, we still need to find that mask. If the Barraki's armies tear each other to pieces, that buys us time to search.”
“Is this what we've become?” asked Kongu. “Sacrificing Matoran lives, Rahi lives, just so we can quick-finish our mission? Hahli and the three missing kids could be dead, for all we know, and all you care aboutó”
“Don't, just... don't,” Matoro interrupted. “If we fail at this, there won't be any more Matoran, or Rahi, or Hahli, or... any of us. None of us are happy about what's been done.” He quickly glanced at Maxilos. “But I think we are going to have to do far worse before this is over.”
Littlefoot, Petrie, Spike, and Chomper had remained silent the whole time. None of them had any idea of what happened to their three missing friends. True, Petrie had been with Cera, but having not noticed where she ended up did little to reassure him and the others.
A Ga-Matoran swam up to Defilak and quietly said something to him. Defilak nodded and turned to the kids and Toa. “It's now a fact,” he said. “The rays are on the move, heading straight for Mahri Nui. And they are being led by your Toa Hahli!”
The five Toa looked at each other in shock and confusion. Did Hahli somehow manage to tame an entire Barraki's army, or had she gone mad and joined the other side? Either way, it was clear the Toa Mahri of Water had become very unpredictable.
“What about Ruby and Ducky?” Littlefoot quickly asked, hoping the latest report would have some answers.
“Only the little green one was seen with her,” replied Defilak.
Spike sighed in relief at the news.
“Well, at least we know Ducky is okay,” said Littlefoot, trying to stay optimistic, despite the new question it raised.
And it was Chomper who asked that question. “But what about Ruby?”
________
Ruby continued her descent into the dark trench. She had no idea how far she had fallen, or how much farther there was to fall. Under normal circumstances, she would have been terrified of falling in such a place. But she knew that as long as she continued to hold the Mask of Life, everything would be okay. Ruby's fall finally came to a sudden stop, signaled by a sickening crack and explosive pain all over her body. She had just broken her back on a rock.
As Ruby slumped over on her side, she did her best to ignore the excruciating pain. She didn't care about the pain, or the potentially lethal injury that was causing it. She didn't care that she was in a deep, dark place where her friends would almost certainly never find her. She didn't care about anything but the Mask of Life. The mask gave her a sense of security, and as long as it remained in her hands, she knew everything was going to be just fine.
Within seconds, the curse of the Mask of Life began to take effect. Ruby felt the damage done to her body slowly begin to reverse. Her spine shifted back to its original alignment, broken bones fused back into their original shape, scrapes and cuts closed back up. In virtually no time at all, Ruby's body had been restored to its healthy, undamaged form.
Ruby stood up and looked down at the mask in her hands. There was something about it that made her feel so attached to it. It could have easily been due to how the Mask of Life was cursing her, by practically making her immortal. That would have been understandable, but Ruby felt there was something else.
Defilak's earlier reaction to questions regarding the mask showed that whatever had happened, the Matoran village had had a bad experience with it. Ruby remembered seeing Pridak practically turn into a psychopath when he held the mask, and then Nocturn was given a death touch. But then she came to possess the mask, and while others had clearly suffered some consequences, she had seemingly been blessed by it. To her, it was almost as if the Mask of Life wanted her to have it.
This mask could easily be the most powerful artifact in the entire Matoran universe, and here it was, in her own two hands. There were evil forces that wanted the mask, but she had succeeded in taking it away from them. In her current state of wonder, she had completely forgotten why she and her friends had even sought out the Mask of Life in the first place. All that mattered was that the mask was in her grasp, and she was never going to let it go.
Ruby could have just stayed there, staring at the glowing mask for hours, but the noise of falling pebbles caught her attention. She looked up and could barely see the glowing armor of the four-armed monster from whom she had taken the mask. He was still chasing after her, despite her best efforts.
Ruby knew the glowing mask in her hands would easily give away her location in such a dark place, so she had to get creative with how she would escape this time. She quickly started wandering around, using the mask to illuminate her surroundings. She reached one of the sheer vertical walls of the trench and soon found a portion that curved in such a way that kept herself and the mask hidden from the beast as he descended.
Knowing it would only be a matter of time before he arrived, Ruby had to make her escape now. After reminding herself that she was underwater, she jumped and began to swim for the top of the trench. She had to move with a precision that would have impressed even Ducky. She had to keep herself hidden behind the rock wall and maintain her grip on the Mask of Life as she continued her way up.
Ruby was nearing exhaustion by the time she finally reached the top. After taking a moment to catch her breath, she looked over the edge and could barely see the glowing speck that was Nocturn at the bottom of the trench.
“Where is it!?” shouted Nocturn. “Where's the mask!?”
It was time to have a little fun with the bad guy. “Nice try, monster,” Ruby shouted down to him, holding up the Mask of Life in victory, “but if you really want this mask, you will need to try even harder to get this mask!”
Nocturn was beyond furious by what he saw. He growled, then roared, then let loose a flood of profanity that went on for almost a full minute.
Ruby could only step back and say to herself, “Wow... and I thought my uncle had a bad mouth.” Not wasting another moment, she turned and started running, hoping to put as much distance between herself and that brute as possible.
Not far away, a pile of rocks shifted. The rocks fell away, revealing Cera to be underneath the pile. She sluggishly unburied herself, then suddenly jerked a bit before shoving aside more rocks to reveal an electric eel that had just shocked her ó again. When Nocturn had hurled her away, she had slammed right into a small school of electric eels. Unsurprisingly, the eels reacted by repeatedly zapping her. She had finally managed to make them stop after unintentionally slamming her head against a cliff, causing a small rockslide to bury her and leave her unconscious for a short time.
Cera quickly brushed off the electric eel before pulling herself the rest of the way out of the rock pile. “If I ever get out of this place, I'll live in a desert,” she muttered to herself. She then noticed Ruby running by, the Mask of Life still in the Fast Runner's hands. “Ruby!” she called.
Ruby stopped and looked over at Cera. “I can't stay here, Cera!” she said urgently. “I need to get away from him so he won't catch me!”
“You're talking about that big guy, right?” asked Cera, looking in the direction Ruby was running from. “I don't see him.”
“He's down in the trench, but that doesn't mean he'll stay in the trench,” replied Ruby. “I need to get as far away as I can before he comes out of the trench.” Not waiting for any response, Ruby immediately started running again.
Cera ran after Ruby and blocked her path. “Then where are you even going?” she asked suspiciously. “I'm pretty sure Mahri Nui is that way.” She pointed to her left.
“I... um... uh...” Ruby wasn't sure how to respond.
“Look, how hard does this have to be?” continued Cera. “We go back to Mahri Nui, we give that mask to the Toa, they save Mata Nui's life with it, that saves the Matoran universe, and then we can go home. You can't ask for things to be any simpler than that, so let's just go already!” She began heading for the sunken city, but then stopped and looked back when she realized Ruby wasn't following.
“Um... do I have to give up the Mask of Life?” asked Ruby. “Why can't I just hold onto this mask until the moment they need it to save Mata Nui? Then they can give it back to me when they are finished using it to save Mata Nui.”
“Give it back to you?” asked Cera, getting even more suspicious. “What are you talking about? We're not the ones who need that mask, it's the Toa. The only reason we're here is because we wanted to help them, so let's prove it.”
Ruby tightened her grip on the Mask of Life. “I'm not sure if I should really give them this mask. The Mask of Life has been very helpful to me.”
“Look, I know it's been giving you some kind of superpower, but keep in mind what it's really called: a curse. Curses are bad!”
“I thought you didn't believe in the curse of the Mask of Life.”
“I still don't! I just thought I should remind you about the entire silly story you seem to believe in. I mean, honestly, you're making yourself more gullible than Petrie, and that's saying something!”
Ruby pointed behind Cera and shouted, “Oh no! The Barraki found us!”
Cera quickly looked back. Her initial fear was quickly wiped away when she saw nothing but open water. “Wait a minute,” she muttered suspiciously. She looked back at Ruby, who was already running away at top speed. Cera growled in frustration and immediately gave chase. “Get back here!”
________
The group near Mahri Nui had quickly decided to head for where Hahli was last seen, along with Mantax's army of rays. Toa Jaller had suggested that they should spread out to improve their chances, due to the possibility that the Toa Mahri of Water might have quickly moved to a new location. Littlefoot agreed with the idea, figuring it could also help them find Ruby and Cera.
But now, finding himself swimming with Matoro and Maxilos/Makuta once again, Littlefoot was having second thoughts. Now that everyone else was far enough away to not hear any conversation, he knew it was time to listen to things he didn't want to hear about.
“What if we can't find the Mask of Life in time?” asked Matoro.
“Ah, if only all Toa had words like ëcan't’ in their vocabulary,” replied Maxilos. “My path in life would have been much easier. I thought your kind thrived on being optimistic to the point of insanity?”
“I just asked a question,” Matoro snapped.
“To which you know the answer ó if Mata Nui dies, the universe that you, and I, and all your little Matoran friends know will be no more. Jaller will lose his chance to live up to the legacy of Lhikan, Vakama, Tahu, and all those other lukewarm Toa of Fire... Hewkii will never see his friend Macku again... and you? You will know that in Turaga Nuju's last moments, he branded you a failure.”
Toa Matoro refused to respond. He simply stared ahead and kept swimming.
Maxilos/Makuta decided to change the subject. “When this is all over, I really must retrieve my Kanohi Mask of Shadows. Those idiot Piraka let it fall into the sea near Metru Nui. Most think it just allows me to spread physical darkness, or breed a little rage here and there, but it's much more than that. My Kanohi lets me see the darkness inside everyone, all the nasty little things they hide in the shadows of their spirit. I miss that... of course, I hardly need it with you, Matoro. Yours are practically written on your mask.”
Matoro was quickly losing his patience with the Master of Shadows. He looked over his shoulder at Maxilos and quietly said, “Let me tell you something ó if the universe ends, if everyone and everything is going to die... I'm going to make sure you die first.”
Maxilos laughed and said, “You wouldn't want that. After all, if anything happens to me, you will never know what to do with the Mask of Life when you get it ó ëwhen,’ Toa, not ëif.’ I have no intention of letting you fail.”
“If you know so much, then tell me ó if we get the Mask of Life from the Barraki, then what?” asked Matoro.
“I would think it would be obvious,” replied Maxilos/Makuta impatiently. “All must be as it was for Mata Nui to be healed. That means Voya Nui cannot remain floating above us like some discarded Matoran tool. Once the mask is in your hands, you will need to destroy the stone cord linking Voya Nui to Mahri Nui, the cord you passed through to reach this place.”
“And then?”
“Pessimistic and dense ó you truly set a new standard for Toa,” Maxilos/Makuta added sharply. “Then Voya Nui will return to where it came from. Of course, anyone living on it will be killed in the process... and Mahri Nui will be completely destroyed, along with its occupants. Acceptable losses to save the universe, wouldn't you agree?”
The Toa Mahri of Ice didn't know how to respond. If what Maxilos was saying was true, then he and his friends really were going to do far worse than what had already been done. All in the name of saving Mata Nui.
Maxilos/Makuta patted Matoro on the back and said, “Cheer up, little Toa. When all is said and done, and two islands' worth of Matoran are dead, your name will live in history ó right alongside mine.”
Littlefoot had intentionally kept himself out of the conversation. He did not like working with Makuta at all. Yet, he couldn't help but get the feeling that his troubles had only just begun.
________
Ruby had made it back to the reef and was now running through the maze of coral once again. The good news was that she still had the Mask of Life in her hands. The bad news was that she had a very angry Threehorn hot on her tail.
“Ugh, this is ridiculous,” muttered Cera as she ran after the greedy Fast Runner.
Ruby tried going through every twist and turn she came across, but Cera was still able to keep up. They had even reached a dead end at one point, but Ruby simply swam right over the coral for a short distance before descending back into the maze. Although it did slow down Cera for a few seconds, she was still able to follow Ruby.
The pursuing Threehorn believed the density of the water was working to her advantage, since it helped to slow down the Fast Runner, compared to if they were on land. Regardless, Ruby never stopped. She was not going to allow anything to separate her from the Mask of Life.
“Why are you even running!?” shouted Cera. “Just give it up so we can help the Toa!”
“You don't understand, Cera!” exclaimed Ruby. “The Mask of Life is giving me its life powers, so that can only mean the Mask of Life wants me to have it!”
Cera had finally lost all patience for the Fast Runner. “For the last time, it's just a mask! Masks... can't... THINK!”
As Ruby neared another exit from the reef, she decided that the open water ahead would give her a chance to pick up the pace and hopefully lose Cera. She had taken only three steps out in the open before a tentacle wrapped around her throat and lifted her off the seafloor. Once again, she found herself face-to-face with Nocturn, only this time he was far more enraged.
“Mask... not... YOURS!” Nocturn shouted in the Fast Runner's face.
Something sharp shot through the water and struck Nocturn's tentacle, causing him to drop Ruby. Ruby didn't waste any time questioning what had just happened, and immediately started running again.
“Hold it right there, runner!” someone shouted. Ruby stopped and turned to see a tall figure in dark armor with numerous kinds of blades attached to his wrist and back. His Cordak blaster was aimed right at her. “Drop the mask and surrender.”
Cera had made it out just in time to see the new, and dangerously armed, being. Things were suddenly not looking good, so she decided to hold back and not act unless if the Mask of Life was put in any danger.
Nocturn yanked the blade out of his tentacle, black ink leaking out of the wound. When he turned to see his attacker, his anger turned to confusion. “You're Hydraxon?” he said. “But back when the earthquake hit and we all escaped into the black water, Takadox killed you. I saw it. You're dead.”
“I got better,” said Hydraxon indifferently. As far as he was concerned, he had not been killed, and certainly not by a Barraki. “And you're going back where you belong.”
“But where we were isn't there anymore,” continued Nocturn. “Don't you remember? The ground shaking, the walls falling, the water flooding in...”
Seeing as Nocturn's confusion was distracting Hydraxon, Ruby took the opportunity to sneak away. She didn't make it far before the jailer of the Pit saw her attempt to escape. Without hesitation, he aimed and fired his Cordak blaster at her. The rocket struck the seafloor right at her feet sending her flying through the water before slamming into a nearby wall of rock. Ruby fell to the seafloor, Mask of Life still in her hands. Despite the serious injuries, she was still alive, but now unconscious. She would not be doing any more running for the moment, which suited Hydraxon just fine.
He turned back to Nocturn, who immediately fired a squid from his launcher. Hydraxon was certain that such a creature was intended to do harm to him, so he grabbed one of his razor-edged boomerangs from his wrist and hurled it at the squid, slicing it in half. He followed that up by grabbing one of his back-mounted blades and hurling it at his opponent, knocking the squid launcher out of his hand.
Nocturn was not going down without a fight, so he wrapped his tentacle around Hydraxon's waist and dragged him towards him.
Hydraxon responded by aiming and firing his Cordak blaster at a nearby rock, completely obliterating it. “Next time, it's your arm,” he warned.
Seeing some of the rubble land nearby gave Nocturn an idea. He released his hold on Hydraxon and decided to take advantage of a weakness he knew of. He swiftly picked up two rocks and slammed them together as hard as he could. The loud, sharp crack was too much for Hydraxon's sensitive hearing, causing him to falter for a brief moment. It was all Nocturn needed. He slammed into Hydraxon, knocking him onto his back. Nocturn kicked the blaster away from his opponent's right hand and pinned down his left hand. His hold on Hydraxon was complete when he wrapped his tentacle around his throat. “I'm using my arm right now, sorry,” said Nocturn. “But thanks for all the weapons ó I'll take them off your body when you're dead again.”
“Then start with this one,” said Hydraxon. Within the blink of an eye, he grabbed his other back-mounted blade with his free hand and stuck it into Nocturn's tentacle, pinning the beast to the ocean floor and forcing him to loosen his grip. He kicked Nocturn off of him and jumped back to his feet. Hydraxon quickly retrieved his Cordak blaster and held out his left arm, ready to hurl another of his wrist-mounted blades at his opponent. “I'm here to bring you back. It really makes no difference to me if some of your parts don't make the trip.”
Hydraxon never made idle threats, so Nocturn knew when it was time to admit defeat. The four-armed beast sighed and remained where he stood, not even bothering to remove the blade that held him to the seafloor.
Cera had watched the whole battle from the sidelines. While the two titans were busy fighting each other, she had carefully made her way over to Ruby. She quickly noticed the Fast Runner was indeed unconscious, yet still managed to hold onto the Mask of Life. Its curse had already undone Ruby's injuries, but not her unconscious state. Cera had considered taking the mask to the Toa herself, but decided against it for two good reasons. The mask had clearly affected Ruby's behavior, and Cera didn't want to risk finding out what it could do to her. The second reason was about to arrive.
Hydraxon kept one eye on his captive as he walked over to the unconscious pink creature that still held the glowing mask. He was quick to notice something wasn't quite right. Strange, he thought to himself. I'm very sure she was in much worse condition when I struck her down. Hydraxon didn't dwell on this mystery, since he had a job to do. He didn't even bother to acknowledge the yellow creature who had just shown herself, so long as she made no moves to take the mask.
Hydraxon reached down and picked up the glowing mask. For two escapees to be fighting over it, he knew this mask had to be important, and should be kept away from dangerous hands. But then a memory flashed before his eyes, one that couldn't have been his own, and yet it was. This traumatic memory told him this mask was so powerful that its very existence was a threat to everyone around it. When he noticed a faint crack in the side of the mask, he knew exactly what to do.
“Hey!” exclaimed Cera as Hydraxon took the Mask of Life away from her unconscious friend. “What do you think you're doing!?”
“This mask is simply too powerful,” said Hydraxon as he gently placed the Mask of Life at the base of the rock wall a few paces away from the two dinosaurs. “It is a very serious threat to everyone around it, especially if it fell into the wrong hands. I can't allow that to happen. So, for the good of all, there is only one thing to do.” He aimed his Cordak blaster at the glowing mask. “I must destroy this mask.”
Cera threw away all caution the instant she heard that last statement. She quickly shouted, “No, you idiot! Don'tó!”
Hydraxon fired his blaster.
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Read and review, as always. Just to let you know, the next chapter (or two, not sure yet) will be like an interlude kind of chapter, focusing on Littlefoot and Matoro (and Makuta). The text I'll be using for that chapter comes not from one of the books but from one of the online serials (I'll post a link to it when I post the next chapter). You'll have to wait until the chapter after that to find out what happens to the Mask of Life. (That may take some time anyway, because now, for the first time in nearly a year, I'll have to start copying down text from the next Bionicle book. Yes, I've finally reached the end of yet another book in the series.)
Edit (March 18): I just found out in a recent review to my first fanfic on Fanfiction.net that both of my fanfics have been recommended on TV (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanficRecs/TheLandBeforeTime) Tropes (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/FanficRecs/Bionicle). I'm honestly quite amazed that my stories have become so popular to have something like this.
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Sorry for taking so long to make any progress with this fanfic. Normally, I'd wait until after making final edits to the previous chapter before posting the next one, but I think more than three months is a long enough time to wait. I have to say, this is definitely one of the darkest chapters I've written for any of my stories so far. You'll see what I mean.
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Chapter 32
Working with Makuta
Just hours earlier, if anyone had told Littlefoot that he would eventually find himself allied with Makuta, the Master of Shadows himself, the young Longneck would have denied them more quickly than even Mr. Threehorn would. But now, things were very different. Littlefoot found himself in a situation he did not like at all ó he and Toa Matoro had to work with a robotic guardian that was possessed by the spirit of Makuta, and were forced to keep his identity a secret from their friends.
Despite all of this, Littlefoot was able to see a bright side to it. Ever since Makuta invaded the Great Valley one year ago, many questions had bothered the young Longneck. Since Matoro had decided to swim ahead of them, the young Longneck figured now would be his best opportunity to get some answers.
“Why did you do it?” asked Littlefoot. “Why did you attack my home?”
“Considering your very young age, I'm not surprised at all by your confusion,” said Makuta from within the Maxilos robot. “I never had any interest in the Energy Stones. My true focus at the time remained on the Matoran ó and even then, I knew their stay in your world would be temporary.”
“But that doesn't answer my question,” replied Littlefoot. “You're making it sound like my friends and I stopped you for nothing.”
“If I had even tried, I could have killed all seven of you with little more than a wave of a hand.”
“So why did you not do that?”
“I had nothing to gain from killing seven children.”
“Then why go through all of that over... well, nothing?”
“Ah, Littlefoot... so curious about everything around you. I can say from experience that obtaining the right kind of knowledge can have so many advantages. Of course, if you're not careful with how you ask your questions, it just might be that last thing you'll ever do.” Makuta paused before continuing. “The Energy Stones serve a rather weak purpose, one I would have been fine with ignoring. But a secretive group ó for reasons they refused to explain ó wanted you and the others to have them. But those stones couldn't be simply given to you like some Naming Day gift ó you would need to go out and collect them in a time of crisis. That's where I come in. They wanted me to provide such a crisis to ensure the Energy Stones would be ërightfully placed’ within your possession.”
“But you still haven't answered my first question: Why?”
“They foolishly believe that I will not be successful with my own plans, so in return for my services, they agreed to provide information that will prove useful later on, at a point they doubt I will even reach at all.”
“What kind of information? Who did you make that deal with?”
Makuta smirked. “Now that would be telling.”
Littlefoot felt uneasy, knowing that he likely wouldn't be getting any more answers from the possessed robot. What especially worried the little Longneck was that he was sure he remembered hearing that last statement somewhere before, but he couldn't quite recall who it was, exactly.
Maxilos/Makuta decided to leave the child to his thoughts and swam up to join Matoro. “Why so quiet?” he asked the Toa of Ice. “We have seen death and destruction today with the promise of much more to come. We have seen heroes behaving like villains. You yourself have done things even I would be reluctant to do. It is a time for celebration.”
“Shut up!” snapped Matoro. “I'm doing only what I have to do to save the life of Mata Nui ó a life you put in jeopardy!”
Makuta laughed and continued, “Think what you like, little Toa, and try to avoid admitting to yourself that you are one bad day, one moment of cruelty, one fit of rage away from being me.” Makuta suddenly swam down to the seafloor. “Come with me. I want to show you something.”
“What?” asked Matoro irritably as he and Littlefoot reluctantly followed the possessed robot.
“Call it an answer to some of your questions,” replied Makuta, as they arrived at a large gap in the ocean floor. “I discovered this shortly after taking over the body of Maxilos. It's an entrance to the original Pit, the prison once inhabited by the Barraki and others like them. There is something down there I think you should see.”
“How do I know this isn't a trap?” asked the Toa Mahri of Ice.
“You don't. But surely a strong and brave Toa like yourself fears nothing. And I'm sure the little dinosaur has already seen and tolerated more darkness than most of his kind could even live with. Follow me.”
After Maxilos/Makuta swam down through the opening, Matoro checked his Cordak blaster and said to Littlefoot, “Stay close to me.” They cautiously followed the Master of Shadows.
The extreme darkness made it very hard to see much of the abandoned prison, but as their eyes adjusted, they were gradually able to see the ruins of the Pit. Virtually every cell door had been either ripped off its hinges or mangled beyond recognition. Bits and pieces of armor scattered across the floor was a common sight. The only sign of life was the occasional small fish that would dart through the water to another place to hide. It was unlike anything the Toa or the dinosaur had ever seen.
“When you two are through brooding, I have found what I was seeking,” said Makuta pointing into one of the damaged cells. “Here.”
Matoro and Littlefoot peered inside and saw a Kanohi mask and blue armor on the floor in a certain, eerie arrangement.
“What is it?” asked Littlefoot.
“All that remains of a Toa of Water named Tuyet,” replied Makuta. “She was condemned here many thousands of years ago. She died here, though I don't know why. Perhaps she was trying to escape.”
Littlefoot wasn't sure what to say. Seeing the lifeless remains of a Toa was creepy enough, but the fact that this also used to be a bad Toa just annihilated his old perception that all Toa were heroes who never died except only at the hands of a very powerful evil.
“Why was she sent here?” asked Matoro.
“It is hard for me to give an exact reason since I did not even know ëhere’ existed until a few days ago,” replied Makuta. “But I do know her crime. She tampered with an object of power that did not belong in her hands. It was too much for her. She went wild, was defeated by Toa Lhikan and Toa Nidhiki, and the object was destroyed, or so the heroes thought.”
“Get to the point,” said Matoro, losing his patience.
Maxilos/Makuta laughed and said, “I would have thought that it would be obvious. Tuyet is dead, but she is also the only one who might know how the powerful artifact, the Nui Stone, could be recreated. I want you to use your Kanohi mask power, Matoro, the Great Mask of Reanimation. I want you to bring her back.”
Matoro and Littlefoot looked over at Maxilos/Makuta, completely shocked at what he had just said. “Are you really that crazy!?” exclaimed Littlefoot.
“I won't do what you ask,” stated Matoro with no hesitation.
“I must have missed the part where I gave you a choice,” responded Makuta. “I want you to use your mask power to reanimate this corpse, and I want you to do it now.” When the Toa of Ice made no response, he added, “I could just kill you, Matoro, take the mask and do the job myself, but it's so much more amusing this way.”
“Even if I bring her back, she won't be able to help you recreate the Nui Stone,” insisted Matoro. “She'll have no spirit, she'll have no mind!”
“I have always found the minds of Toa to be vastly overrated anyway,” said Makuta. “Now get to work.”
Matoro sighed and muttered to himself, “I don't think any Toa in history has ever hated their own mask more than I do.” He then reluctantly called upon the power of his Mask of Reanimation, concentrating on the pile of armor in front of him. The mangled armor and damaged Kanohi Mask slowly began to move, rearranging themselves into a crude shape of what they once were. It was a somewhat gruesome sight that neither Matoro nor Littlefoot could ever forget.
Finally, the body of Toa Tuyet had been reassembled. The reanimated Toa of Water stood unsteadily, waiting for Matoro's orders. It was then that Littlefoot and Matoro noticed something unusual. Embedded within the Toa's blue armor were countless tiny shards of some kind of crystal.
“Behold,” said Makuta. “When the Nui Stone exploded so many thousands of years ago, most of it vaporized, but some fragments survived buried in Tuyet's armor. With these I can recreate the stone as it once was. All I need is the proper tool.”
“What tool?” asked Littlefoot.
“The Staff of Artakha,” answered Makuta. “And unless I am mistaken, the Toa Nuva are about to get it for me.” Without waiting for a response, Maxilos/Makuta turned and headed back out of the old Pit. Littlefoot and Matoro looked at each other uncertainly before following, taking the reanimated Toa Tuyet with them. They had many questions, but there was no doubt that Makuta was up to no good again.
The unlikely group didn't get very far from the entrance of the old Pit before some unexpected visitors arrived.
“Matoro!”
“Littlefoot!”
The two turned and saw Hahli and Ducky swimming towards them, followed by the army of manta rays they had reportedly been leading. There was no sign of Mantax, the Barraki who typically controlled such creatures.
“Where are you going?” asked Hahli. “And who is that Toa with you? She looks, uh... Matoro, what have you done?”
Before Matoro or Littlefoot could say anything, they both heard Makuta's voice in their minds. He “told” them, We have a meeting to attend. One of my allies waits near Mahri Nui, but he will not wait long... and you would not make us late, would you? And one more thing: breathe a word to either of your friends, and none of you will live to see another tide.
Matoro turned to the Toa Mahri of Water and slowly said, “Hahli, don't worry, everything's fine ó just trust me.”
“I do trust you,” responded Hahli, “but I think you have become a little too used to keeping secrets, brother. I'm starting to wonder if you trust me, or any of us.”
Meanwhile, Littlefoot and Ducky had their own tense exchange. “You do not need to worry about me, Littlefoot,” assured Ducky. “Hahli has been taking good care of me. She has, she has. Though I would feel better if I knew what happened to Ruby.”
“I thought you would know where she was,” said Littlefoot. “Cera has also gone missing. Why don't you and Hahli go find them while Matoro and I deal with... other things.”
“Like what?”
Littlefoot was so glad that he was not on Ducky's side of this conversation. His unquenchable curiosity could have caused some serious problems. There was no time to waste, so Littlefoot knew he would have to do something he normally wouldn't do.
Littlefoot pinned Ducky against a nearby rock with his front foot and quietly said, “I'm serious, whatever you do, don't tell anyone about what you saw here. Understand?”
Ducky was shocked to see Littlefoot behaving like this, so all she managed to do was nod her head in response. Littlefoot let go and swam back to Matoro.
At the same time, Matoro also tried to explain what he could to Hahli. He decided a memory that Makuta couldn't know would send a subtle enough message. “It will all work out,” said the Toa of Ice. “Everything is going just as planned. As smooth as that time Nuparu used his Mask of Flight to transport you over the chasm, remember? I ó we ó have to go now.”
With that, Matoro, Littlefoot, Maxilos, and the reanimated Toa swam away. Hahli and Ducky were both upset by what had just taken place; Hahli more angry and Ducky more scared.
Hahli then realized something wasn't right. “Wait a minute... when I flew with Nuparu, he dropped me,” said Hahli. “I almost got killed! Matoro was trying to send us a message: he and Littlefoot are in trouble.”
“How do we get them out?” asked Ducky.
“I wish I knew, Ducky,” replied Hahli. “I wish I knew.”
________
Littlefoot had tried to ask Makuta all kinds of questions regarding the Nui Stone, the Staff of Artakha, and what the Toa Nuva had to do with any of this. But every question was given nothing but silence from the possessed robot. In addition, Littlefoot and Matoro were not looking forward to meeting this “ally” of Makuta.
Faster than even Makuta could react, a burning chain lashed out and wrapped around the sword he held. The attacker yanked the chain hard, pulling the sword out of the grasp of the Maxilos robot. The others had only enough time to turn to see their attacker before he swung his chain again, shattering the reanimated Toa Tuyet to pieces.
“I know you,” said Matoro in shock. “The water may have mutated your body, but I still recognize your weapon. Why are you here, Karzahni?”
Littlefoot gasped at this revelation. Hahli had told him and his friends about the ancient legend of Karzahni, who ruled over a realm where Matoran who worked poorly were sent to and never heard from again. The Toa Inika/Mahri had spent their last moments as Matoran passing though his realm on their way to Voya Nui and narrowly escaped. The experience had apparently been so traumatic that none of the Toa were willing to provide any details of what happened, so Littlefoot had no idea what to expect.
Not waiting for an answer, Matoro moved to attack. Karzahni must have unleashed some kind of mental attack, because just a fraction of a second later, Matoro had stopped and stared ahead at apparently nothing while occasionally screaming in terror.
“What did you do to him!?” exclaimed Littlefoot.
“Wouldn't you like to find out?” taunted Karzahni before striking the young Longneck as well.
________
Littlefoot found himself in a desolate landscape. He stood at the edge of a rocky valley in the middle of nowhere. There were no signs of life, not even a single plant. Somehow, this place seemed vaguely familiar to him.
Littlefoot's attention was suddenly drawn to the bottom of the valley when he faintly heard grunting noises. He gasped in shock as he saw... himself, fighting Cera, while Ducky, Petrie, and Spike looked on in fear. Everything made sense now. Littlefoot was witnessing a moment of his past.
The younger Littlefoot and his new friends had been searching for the Great Valley for many days with no success. The younger Cera had finally had enough and wanted to go her own way. Littlefoot had refused to let her go, insisting he was going the right way. The conflict reached a boiling point when Cera had called his dead mother stupid and refused to apologize. Now the fighting had gotten physical, and it wasn't hard to imagine who would win.
Present Littlefoot was forced to watch every moment of this horrible memory. Although he and Cera had long since made up, the event still gave him scary sleep stories. Finally, the fight was over, and the younger Cera walked away triumphantly. Despite how far away he was, present Littlefoot could hear his past self shout, “Go ahead! Go the wrong way! We never wanted you with us anyway!” Those words tore at present Littlefoot's heart, reminding him just how close he came to losing his friends that day. Soon after, Ducky, Petrie, and Spike had abandoned the younger Littlefoot and chose to follow Cera instead.
Among all the low points in Littlefoot's life, this one was second only to the death of his mother right in front of him. He was glad that this horrible vision would be over soon; he remembered what happened next. He had continued to climb up to the other side of the valley, but as he realized how much he and his friends needed each other, he had decided to turn back and retrieve them. It had been the right choice, as their lives had been placed in great danger, and it was only because of his efforts that saved them.
But that's not what happened here. Present Littlefoot watched his past self reach the other side of the rocky valley and look back. Past Littlefoot shook his head and moved on.
Present Littlefoot suddenly found himself in a different location: the burning mountains. Littlefoot saw his friends in danger, but his past self was nowhere to be found. He desperately shouted to his friends, but since this was a vision, there was nothing he could do but watch every gruesome moment as his friends, one by one, suffered a horrible fate. Ducky and Spike were incinerated by lava, Petrie drowned in tar, and Cera was pummeled to death by some enraged Domeheads.
The horrible vision then moved back to the younger Littlefoot, who was now getting closer to the Great Valley. Eventually, he arrived at a pond... and saw Sharptooth himself nearby. Alone, starving, desperate, and not thinking clearly, past Littlefoot decided to get rid of Sharptooth once and for all... by himself. The outcome was predictable, and present Littlefoot was forced to watch every second of the truly horrific sight of Sharptooth devouring the younger Littlefoot.
________
“...and I hate to be late.”
Littlefoot awoke from his vision to see Karzahni had been struck down by Makuta. Karzahni climbed back to his feet, revealing one of his arms had been dislocated. The ancient ruler yanked it back into place without even flinching, a sight that Littlefoot would normally be too squeamish to watch, but was nothing compared to the traumatic vision he had just been released from.
“Yes, I've heard of you, Makuta,” spoke Karzahni. “A tin-covered tyrant who wishes to be lord of the Matoran... as if being worshiped by insects had some meaning. I do not know where you were going... but your journey is about to end.”
Something emerged from the surrounding dark water. Creatures that Matoro and Littlefoot recognized: Manas crabs, hundreds of them. Littlefoot and his friends had fought against only a dozen of them on their way to stop Makuta back in the Great Valley, and their success was thanks mostly to some mysterious armor that gave them just enough strength to stop the monstrous crabs. Now he was alone, powerless, and against a much larger swarm... and yet, he didn't find it really scary at all.
Matoro hurled his elemental ice powers at the approaching swarm, but the attacks were ineffective. There was nothing Littlefoot could do, so that just left Makuta. The Toa of Ice turned to the Master of Shadows and exclaimed, “Don't just stand there, do something!”
Makuta did nothing within the robot Maxilos as the Manas came ever closer. Once they were within striking distance, Makuta finally unleashed his real power. With dozens of abilities at his command, Makuta needed only one ó mental control over wild beasts ó to turn the giant crabs against each other. The army was wiped out in mere seconds as the Manas effectively tore themselves to pieces. The sight was horrible enough to force Matoro to look away. Littlefoot would have done the same... but he didn't. Not even mass carnage could compare to his recent vision of darkness.
Makuta simply laughed and said, “Pests. They do make such a mess. Perhaps, Karzahni, I should set the survivors on you.”
Karzahni smiled, knowing he could do something Makuta couldn't. He had already unleashed his power to give nightmarish visions on the Toa of Ice and the long-necked creature. Now it was Makuta's turn.
Karzahni struck Makuta with a vision that was sure to stop him. The Master of Shadows watched as his plan failed and the Toa Nuva succeeded in waking the Great Spirit Mata Nui, who then unleashed his vengeance upon him.
Littlefoot looked on as Makuta screamed from his own terrible vision. The young Longneck couldn't believe he was admitting this, but... he actually felt sorry for the Master of Shadows.
Finally, Makuta went silent. Everything was still. Matoro and Littlefoot looked over at the Maxilos robot. Makuta simply stare at the ancient tyrant. If looks could kill, Karzahni would have been vaporized.
After a long moment of silence, Makuta finally said slowly, “You... made a... mistake, Karzahni. You see, I don't get nightmares...” Using his magnetic powers, he brought his sword back to his hand. “I give them.” He struck down Karzahni with the flat side of his sword. “Your shadow plays are impressive, tyrant ó but never forget who is the true master of shadows.”
Makuta often liked to toy with his foes in numerous ways, but Karzahni had given him real pain, and there was only one way the Master of Shadows would respond to such an attack: full power.
Makuta ó using mental attacks ó unleashed everything he had at the old dictator, shredding his mind to the point of savagery and beyond. Then, with only a fraction of his magnetic power, Makuta hurled Karzahni away. In a split second, the ancient tyrant was gone.
Normally, Littlefoot would have been terrified by a demonstration of Makuta's power, but in this case, he actually felt... inspired. Littlefoot could never see himself as a villain, but seeing two titans of darkness face off against each other had taught him something very important. Scare tactics could only go so far; it takes real power to win a war. Now that he was finally free from the shock of Karzahni's vision, Littlefoot was more determined than ever to keep his friends together and lead them to victory.
________
Not far from where Karzahni had attacked the unlikely trio, Makuta swam ahead to meet with his “ally.” The dark water made it hard for Matoro or Littlefoot to see any details, but they were actually okay with that. They weren't interested in meeting another force of darkness.
The exchange was brief and to the point. Makuta snatched the staff from his “ally” and dismissed him with a simple nod. The stranger vanished and Makuta turned back to his companions. He swam over to the shattered remains of Toa Tuyet and spotted a single shard of the Nui Stone among the armor. “That is all the staff needs,” he said quietly. “One piece, and its power will recreate the stone as it once was.”
“And what good will that do you?” asked Matoro. “What do you plan to do with it?”
“Very well, my curious little Toa,” replied Makuta. “Think on this: Tuyet, and later Nidhiki, were not the only Toa to ever turn bad. And if the next one should happen to fall under my sway, well, what could be better than to use the Nui Stone to increase his power a hundred-fold, a thousand-fold. Imagine an all-powerful Toa at my command, wiping your kind from the face of this planet.” Makuta pointed the Staff of Artakha at the fragment and triggered its power. Other pieces began to float through the water and slowly started to come together.
Realizing Makuta was up to his old tricks again, Matoro charged forward and shouted, “I can't let you do this!”
Makuta simply waved his hand and Matoro suddenly stopped moving. Littlefoot wasn't sure what had just happened.
“And I can't let you stop me,” said Makuta. Seeing the confused look on the little Longneck, he simply said, “Stasis field. You can stay there, or I can make you stay, like your friend. Either way, no one can stop me now.”
A blast of raw power struck Maxilos/Makuta in the back, causing him to drop the staff, terminating its progress. At the same time, Matoro was released from his stasis field. “Who dares?” growled the Master of Shadows.
“In my time, I dared lots of things,” came a reply. “Maybe too many things. I fell a long way from the light, and I can never find my way back.”
The trio turned around and saw a familiar face. Floating in the water behind them was Brutaka, former guardian of the Mask of Life and now condemned prisoner of the Pit. The waters of the Pit had changed his body in a few ways ó spikes along his armor and a dorsal fin on his back ó but he was still easily recognizable.
“But the darkness is not so complete that I can't recognize a monster when I see one,” finished Brutaka.
Makuta fired a blast of shadow energy at Brutaka. In one flawless move, the former guardian dodged the attack and dove for the Staff of Artakha, snatching it within the blink of an eye. “Botar!” he suddenly shouted.
What happened next was almost too quick to follow. A large being suddenly appeared, took the staff from Brutaka, gave a quick nod to him in approval, and suddenly vanished, taking the staff with him.
Brutaka turned to Maxilos/Makuta and said, “It's gone. The staff is gone where you cannot reach it. You've lost.”
“If I have lost the staff, then you are about to lose everything,” said Makuta with barely contained anger.
Brutaka laughed as if he had received an empty threat. “You seem to have me mistaken for someone who has anything at all left to lose.” He turned to Matoro and Littlefoot and shouted, “Get out of here, now! Get back to your friends ó I'll handle Makuta!”
“As you handled the Toa Nuva and Toa Inika?” taunted Makuta. “Are you two foolish enough to think you can trust him?”
Trust a former guardian of good, or the embodiment of darkness himself? Neither Matoro nor Littlefoot needed a moment to consider their choice. As one, they turned to each other and said, “Let's go.” Littlefoot grabbed onto Matoro's back as he propelled them through the water at top speed.
Once they were far enough away, Littlefoot asked, “What now?”
“It's time to forget Makuta,” said the Toa Mahri of Ice. “Brutaka's right, we need to find the others.”
Matoro began heading straight for Mahri Nui, hoping that all of their friends had come back together. They didn't get far before a blast of shadow shattered a nearby rock, causing them to momentarily stop.
“Change of plans!” shouted Makuta. The possessed robot pointed his sword to his right. “This way! NOW!”
Whatever had enraged the Master of Shadows had to be very serious. Matoro and Littlefoot had no choice but to follow at top speed.
“W-w-what's going on?” asked Littlefoot nervously.
“It would seem your friend Ruby has found the Mask of Life,” answered Makuta, “but Hydraxon has been sighted close to her location. If that fool were to get his hands on the Mask of Life, it would be bad news for all of us.”
Makuta refused to explain any further, but he didn't have to. Littlefoot and Matoro understood how dire the situation really was right now. Maxilos/Makuta lead the way as they rushed to retrieve the Mask of Life.
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Read and review, as always. Even though I still plan on finishing this story, I'm anticipating that I'll still be as slow, if not slower, at writing new chapters. I'll get the whole thing done someday. But how long it will take, I don't know.
Here are the images of everything first seen in this chapter:
no images of Tuyet exist
Karzahni (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/3/3a/Set_Karzahni_Battles_Sarda_and_Idris.png) (the big guy, not the Matoran in that image)
Botar (http://biosector01.com/wiki/images/2/22/Botar.png)
Here is the text I used for this chapter:
(since the source is exclusively online, I'll save myself some effort and just link to it)
Into the Darkness (http://biosector01.com/wiki/index.php/Into_the_Darkness) (chapters 1-7)
Dreams of Destruction (http://biosector01.com/wiki/index.php/Dreams_of_Destruction) (chapters 6 & 7)
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This fanfiction has been submitted for the 2013 fanfiction awards. Give the author some feedback and a rating for the story in this topic (http://gangoffive.net/index.php?showtopic=12636). :)
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Six months without reviewing…I think it’s clear that Pangaea is broken. :neutral
Nonetheless, here are my reviews of the last two chapters:
Chapter 31
Ruby continued her decent into the dark trench.
Should be “descent”.
Realistically, I’m not sure that Ruby could be injured so badly from an underwater fall, but I guess we could chalk that up to physics working differently in the Matoran universe.
She looked up and could barely see the glowing armor of the four-armed monster from whom she had taken the mask from.
The second “from” is redundant, and should be removed.
*sigh* Ruby, if I were you, I would have let Nocturn continue fruitlessly searching for the mask at the bottom of the trench, rather than show him that you had it so that he could get back to chasing you right away. :slap
Then again, considering some of Ruby’s behavior in the next scene with Cera, maybe her decision to taunt Nocturn with the mask was a result of the “One Ring effect” the mask seems to be having on her…
Not far away, a pile of rocks shifted. The rocks fell away, revealing Cera to be underneath the pile. She sluggishly unburied herself, then suddenly jerked a bit before shoving aside more rocks to reveal an electric eel that had just shocked her ó again. When Nocturn had hurled her away, she had slammed right into a small school of electric eels. Unsurprisingly, the eels reacted by repeatedly zapping her. She had finally managed to make them stop after unintentionally slamming her head against a cliff, causing a small rockslide to bury her and leave her unconscious for a short time.
Cera quickly brushed off the electric eel before pulling herself the rest of the way out of the rock pile. “If I ever get out of this place, I'll live in a desert,” she muttered to herself.
:lol :lol :lol Poor Cera…
Hydraxon fired his blaster.
My thoughts, summed up in two words or less: Oh crap.
Chapter 32
Wow, I definitely agree with you about this being one of your darkest chapters yet. :o However, well written as Karzahni’s scene was, I can’t get over the feeling that his rtole in the chapter seemed a little superfluous (there must be a better word than that, but I can’t think of it). To me it felt like he just came in out of the blue, abused the characters, engaged in an exchange of dramatic dialogue, before being dispatched (in a manner that left his exact fate unclear). I felt like Karzahni’s entire appearance in this chapter could have been omitted and it wouldn’t have affected anything, though I’m guessing this isn’t the last we’re going to see of him, and I can’t blame you if you’re just following the original storyline. In any case, I think you should add a description of Karzahni’s physical appearance when he first shows up.
Again, no offense to you or your storytelling decisionsójust my opinionóbut I felt rather disappointed by the conversation at the beginning of this chapter. Did Makuta really let the gang win their climactic battle with him in Quest for the Energy Stones? As I have mentioned before, the gang have already spent much of this story feeling like virtually powerless characters in the Matoran Universe, and if what Makuta says is true, they evidently didn’t hold much clout as adversaries even when they were in control of powerful Matoran artifacts, which I find rather depressing.
“But I do know her crime. She tampered with an object of power that did not belong in her hands. It was too much for her. She went wild, was defeated by Toa Lhikan and Toa Nidhiki, and the object was destroyed, or so the heroes thought.”
Eegh…is it just me, or does this story sound disturbingly similar to what’s happening with Ruby right now? :unsure:
The mangled armor and damaged Kanohi Mask slowly began to move, rearranging themselves into a crude shape of what they once were. It was a somewhat gruesome sight that neither Matoro nor Littlefoot could ever forget.
Just my opinion, but “somewhat”? I should think that it’s probably the most gruesome thing Matoro has done with his mask so far!
Littlefoot awoke from his vision to see * Karzahni had been struck down by Makuta.
*Insert “that”.
He had already unleashed his power to give nightmarish visions on the Toa of Ice and the long-necked creature.
Should be “to”. Alternatively, you could rewrite this entire sentence as “He had already used his power to unleash nightmarish visions on the Toa of Ice and the long-necked creature.”
Makuta simply stare at the ancient tyrant.
Should be “stared”.
That’s about all I’ve got. :unsure: For whatever little it’s worth, I’m sorry for not reviewing. :( Writing reviews is yet another skill I’m just no good at anymore. :neutral
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Well, seeing as I've long since decided to cancel any further progress to this story, I might as well give a basic summary of how the rest of it would have gone, along with all the further sequels I had planned that I will now never write.
To start where I left off, Hydraxon had just fired his blaster at the Mask of Life, intending to destroy it. However, a sudden shift in the currents causes it to miss the mask. This is quickly revealed to be because of Hahli using her elemental water powers, just as she and Ducky arrive on the scene. While Ducky checks on Ruby and finds out from Cera what has been going on, Hahli and Hydraxon briefly battle over the Mask of Life, only to accidentally send it right into the hands of Mantax. Hahli and Hydraxon try to go after him, but find out the hard way that the mask has cursed him by him absorbing the life force of anyone who gets too close. Mantax embraces the curse and demands to those around to inform the other Barraki to meet him at the Razor Whale's Teeth the next day, where he would lay out his terms for a deal. Mantax then departs, and Hydraxon, after discovering that Nocturn had fled during the conflict, also leaves.
The rest of the Toa and the gang (including Littlefoot, Matoro, and Maxilos/Makuta) soon arrive and hear from the others what had happened. Ruby has fully recovered by this time, and she ends up giving a very uneasy apology to everyone for trying to run off with the Mask of Life on her own. Cera claims it'll take much more than an apology to earn her forgiveness, and Littlefoot reluctantly agrees. The group soon agrees on a plan: The meeting of the Barraki will be their chance to take back the mask, but first the Toa must gather the Matoran of Mahri Nui and guide them up the cord to the safety of the underground caves of Voya Nui. That way, once the cord would be destroyed, no innocent lives would be lost. But since it would likely be a very dangerous mission, the gang agree to stay behind and spend the night hidden away in a small cave.
That night, Littlefoot has a dream where, somehow, he finds himself alongside Zaktan inside a fortress that is under attack. Zaktan tells the young longneck that there's a hidden room they must find before the fort is overrun. They soon manage to find this secret room and discover strange markings all over the walls. Zaktan soon manages to activate a mechanism that rearranges the markings into text. Littlefoot can't understand what any of it says, but Zaktan reveals that it's a complete description of Makuta's plan for taking over the Matoran universe, with the most startling part being that letting the Toa Nuva awaken Mata Nui will somehow allow Makuta to win. Zaktan decides to use this knowledge to his advantage, so he quickly destroys all the surrounding evidence. To be extra sure, Zaktan decides to also get rid of the only other person aware of this room and its knowledge, Littlefoot. The instant he is struck down is when the dream ends.
The next morning, the gang emerge from the small cave and meet up with the Toa Mahri just as they return from their mission, assuring the young dinosaurs that the Matoran of both Mahri Nui and Voya Nui will be safe. Almost immediately, the battle between the Toa and the Barraki begins. While most of the heroes keep the other Barraki occupied, Jaller, Matoro, Litttlefoot, and Ruby go for the Mask of Life. At one point, Ruby manages to grab onto the mask. Now caught in the middle of a battle between the Toa, Barraki, Hydraxon, and Maxilos/Makuta, Ruby ends up taking a beating, but thanks to the mask's curse on her, any injury she suffers is quickly healed. Unlike the first time, Ruby understands very well what's at stake, so she doesn't hesitate to pass the mask to Matoro, and the heroes quickly flee the scene, with Maxilos/Makuta suspiciously choosing not to follow.
Along the way back to the now abandoned Mahri Nui, Jaller reveals to Matoro (along with the gang) that when Kongu had used his mask power on the Mask of Life back during the battle with Vezon, he discovered that the mask wanted Matoro to be the one to hold it, which explains why he's the only one to not be cursed by touching it, though no one is quite sure why it chose him over everyone else.
Finally, the Toa Mahri fire their Cordak Blasters at the cord, completely destroying it and causing Voya Nui to sink beneath the waves, crush Mahri Nui underneath, and then somehow start speeding away towards some unknown destination. The Toa and the gang quickly swim after it, but the Barraki and their armies are also in hot pursuit. Matoro leads the group, due to the Mask of Life pulling him ahead, but then the mask suddenly stops glowing and comes to a stop. Matoro quickly realizes that this means they are too late, and the Great Spirit, Mata Nui, has died.
Despite everyone's sadness at this apparent failure, Matoro refuses to give up, and is convinced that there might be a way he can revive Mata Nui. With the Barraki and their armies quickly closing in, the rest of the Toa decide to stay and fight them off, despite the impossible odds, to buy Matoro time. In addition, the gang decide to follow behind Matoro and serve as a last line of defense. They know that if the Barraki defeated the Toa and reached them before getting to the mask, they wouldn't last for more than only a few seconds, but those precious few seconds may be all Matoro would need. So Matoro quickly takes off after the still moving island of Voya Nui, the other Toa stand their ground, and the gang follow Matoro as quickly as they can. Before long, the gang loses sight of not only the Toa behind, but also Matoro ahead, and they soon witness Voya Nui settle into a mysteriously vast hole in the ocean floor.
For a moment, the gang is left unsure of what to do next, but then are suddenly teleported to a place they had never seen before: the city of Metru Nui, the original home of the Matoran they had met back in the first story. This means they're now on dry land, and have regained the ability to breathe air again. Not far away, they find the other Toa Mahri have also been somehow teleported to the city, but the celebration is cut short when they realize that Matoro is missing. They group is soon approached by Turaga Vakama, who reveals he just had a vision showing him what happened to Matoro: Matoro had fallen into the massive cavern beneath where Voya Nui belonged and put on the Mask of Life, thus sacrificing his life force to revive Mata Nui. Matoro accepted his fate, but not before committing one last act of kindness by asking the mask to send the Toa and the gang safely back to Metru Nui. The group is devastated by the loss of their friend, especially Ruby due to her particular closeness to him, but they all understand that it was done to save the entire Matoran universe. Vakama invites them to attend a ceremony in honor of Matoro.
Later, the gang finally reunites with their old friend Takua, who had since become Takanuva, the Toa of Light. After some time passes, Takanuva is suddenly attacked but some strange small creature that starts draining the light within him, but it only absorbs half of his light by the time he manages to destroy it.
With the gang looking helplessly at the unconscious and slightly altered Takanuva, they are soon met by a mysterious Toa of Water and a now reformed Brutaka. As they carry Takanuva to a safe place, the Toa reveals to the gang that the powers of the Energy Stones they had found in their world are now a part of them, and they each have elemental powers almost as powerful as those of a Toa. Chomper controls earth, Spike controls stone, Ruby controls ice, Petrie controls air, Ducky controls water, Cera controls fire, and Littlefoot controls light.
The gang are surprised to find out about this, and the Toa is surprised they didn't know about this already. She tells them that their world will soon be in great danger, and only they would have the power to save it. But first, they would need to learn to master their new powers, so she sends them, via Brutaka's Mask of Dimensional Gates, to Karda Nui, a massive cavern at the center of the Matoran universe where the Toa Nuva are battling against the Brotherhood of Makuta (revealing to the gang that there's more than one Makuta) in the final effort to awaken Mata Nui. The gang is hesitant at first, but eventually agree to go once the Water Toa assures them that Takanuva will soon follow them.
The gang arrive in the last free village in Karda Nui, where they meet the Toa Nuva (now with new armor) and some of the few remaining free Matoran who live here. After some discussion, the group agrees to split up. Cera, Ducky, and Spike go with Tahu (Toa of Fire), Gali (Toa of Water), and Onua (Toa of Earth) down into the swamp at the bottom of the flooded cavern to retrieve the Mask of Life, while Littlefoot, Petrie, Chomper, and Ruby go with Kopaka (Toa of Ice), Pohatu (Toa of Stone), and Lewa (Toa of Air) to stay up in the high-elevation village to fight the invading Makuta.
(By this point, I've since forgotten many details that I had thought of for this story. Just as well, considering how long this description seems to be taking.)
Littlefoot's group battles against five Makuta (Antroz, Vamprah, Chirox, Mutran, and Icarax), recover some mysterious artifacts known as Keystone pieces, and are joined by a mysterious mute Toa. Littlefoot and Ruby quickly befriend this strange Toa, who the group soon realizes has elemental powers over life and happens to be wearing the Mask of Life itself. This Toa is literally the embodiment of the Mask of Life. After a series of battles, Icarax is captured while the rest of the Makuta escape down to the swamp to regroup with the other Makuta down there. The group of heroes decide to go after them, while the Mask/Toa of Life stays behind to guard their captive.
Down in the swamp, Cera's group splits up to cover more ground in their search for the Mask of Life, unaware that it had already left on its own. Ducky goes with Gali, Spike goes with Onua, and Cera goes with Tahu. As they battle against three more Makuta (Krika, Bitil, and Gorast), they discover the rest of the Keystone pieces, despite not knowing what they're for, and find a mysterious large structure known as the Codrex.
A large battle breaks out when both groups of both the heroes and the Makuta come together in the swamp. Eventually, things calm down enough for the group of heroes to be joined by Takanuva (finally arriving much later than intended) and the Mask/Toa of Life. Takanuva delivers a message that when Mata Nui awakens, Karda Nui will be engulfed by massive energy storms that will kill everything in the area. In addition, the Mask/Toa of Life (now barely capable of speaking) reveals that it had heard from Icarax that the Mask had become silver instead of gold because it was undergoing a countdown which, when complete, would drain away all life in the Matoran universe, and the only way to stop it was to get the Makuta out of Karda Nui. Despite all this dire news, Ruby takes the opportunity to ask the Mask/Toa of Life for its name and receives the answer "Ignika".
The Toa and the gang eventually figure out what needs to be done to awaken Mata Nui. Using the Keystone pieces, they gain entry into the Codrex, where they find three vehicles and the site from where the Great Spirit Mata Nui must be awakened. After even more battles, Takanuva finds a way to restore his full light powers and free all of the Matoran before warning them to leave before the energy storms strike, Toa Ignika agrees to sacrifice himself (like Matoro) to awaken Mata Nui, and the Toa and the gang barely escape from Karda Nui on those three vehicles, leaving behind the Makuta to be destroyed in the energy storms.
The heroes later gather in Metru Nui to celebrate the revival and awakening of Mata Nui, but the ceremony is cut short by Makuta himself, who reveals that he has taken control of Mata Nui's body, which also happens to be the entire Matoran universe itself, and that Mata Nui's mind and spirit had been forced into the Mask of Life, which was then shot out from the universe, beyond any hope of recovery.
After a few days of barely surviving the merciless and now godlike Makuta, the gang begin to loose hope they'll ever find a way home, until they suddenly receive help from the most unlikely of beings: Vezon wearing a Mask of Dimensional Gates. The gang eventually reluctantly decide to use him to get home, figuring that any place would be better than what had become of the Matoran universe. Not to mention, there was nothing left for them to do in the Matoran universe, and their home world needed them for some reason. (Now here's the part that would've become my favorite chapter of all: "Walking Between Worlds") However, Vezon has no control over that mask power, so he ends up taking to gang to many random locations, including a face-to-face encounter with Makuta in the giant robot body formerly occupied by Mata Nui. At one point, they even arrive in an alternate universe where Littlefoot's mother is still alive, and the gang has to convince Littlefoot that the longneck is the other Littlefoot's mother and not his mother before they continue on their way. Finally, they arrive at a desert landscape for the third time, but due to a minor mishap, Vezon unintentionally departs for another location without the gang, leaving them stranded in a world completely unknown to them.
There's still much more to the story, but I'm running out of time now, so I'll continue this summary whenever I can get a chance.
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To continue where I left off with my summary...
The gang wanders across the seemingly endless desert for quite a while before they finally find something, which turns out to be nothing more than a twisted piece of seemingly useless scrap metal. However, a blue Matoran-like being suddenly runs up to them and grabs the piece of junk. After a rather awkward confrontation, the gang introduce themselves to new arrival, who then introduces himself as Berix, a Water Agori from the village of Tajun. The gang soon realize that, although Matoran and Agori are both biomechanical beings, Matoran are mostly mechanical, while Agori are mostly biological. In addition, Agori don't need to wear masks for survival like Matoran do, but instead wear helmets for nothing more than simple protection. When the gang asks why Berix wanted that piece of scrap metal so desperately, he admits that he likes to collect all kinds of scrap and junk he can find, since there's not a lot of resources to go around in this world, known as Bara Magna. However, his collecting habits have given him a false reputation of being a thief, explaining why he's usually on his own. The gang can't help but see a number of similarities between him and their old friend Takua, so they decide to become friends with Berix and stay with him, despite his poor reputation. The gang also quietly agree to not reveal to anyone on this world about the elemental powers given to them by the Energy Stones.
It's not long before Berix and the gang are suddenly being chased by savage thieves known as Bone Hunters, but they are soon rescued by three Toa-like beings known as Glatorian. Unlike Toa, Glatorian have no mask or elemental powers, so they fight using only their weapons and agility. After chasing off the Bone Hunters, the three Glatorian (Gresh from the jungle village of Tesara, Tarix from the water village of Tajun, and Strakk from the ice village of Iconox) escort Berix and the gang to the nearest village and explain to the newly-arrived gang how things work on the desert world of Bara Magna. With virtually every imaginable resource in scarce supply, disputes between the villages frequently break out, and the best solution is to have each village hire a Glatorian to fight in an arena until one opponent concedes, with the winner of the match winning the dispute for their village. The gang is naturally shocked that the people of this world live such a brutal lifestyle, but with the only alternative to such disputes being all out warfare, they reluctantly decide to not do anything about it. Lately, however, a race of warriors known as the Skrall have been dominating in the arena, and after watching Gresh lose to one of them, the gang sees just how tough they really are.
Some time later, Berix and the gang travel to Atero (the only city on all of Bara Magna) to watch the annual Great Tournament, where Glatorian from every village gathers to compete and see who is the best in the arena. While there, the gang also meet and befriend Raanu, a Fire Agori and leader of the fire village of Vulcanus, and Metus, an Ice Agori who recruits Glatorian to fight for whatever village is willing spend the most for their services. They also become acquainted with some other Glatorian: Ackar from the fire village, Kiina from the water village, and Vastus from the jungle village. Once the tournament begins, everyone is confused by the absence of the Skrall. It's not long before that confusion turns to panic as a massive army of Skrall quickly invade the city. The gang and all the Agori and Glatorian they know are able to escape alive while the Skrall destroy the city.
More time passes, and while the gang have been staying with Berix in Tajun, the Glatorian system has remained unchanged, despite the advance of the Skrall. One day, a former Ice Glatorian, Gelu, arrives and reveals troubling news regarding the village of Vulcanus. Although Berix chooses to stay in Tajun, the gang decides to travel to Vulcanus with Gelu, Metus, and Gresh to see how they can help. When they arrive, Gelu shows Raanu a map of the village he had found with a Bone Hunter, suggesting that an attack on the village would be very likely very soon. The gang do what little they can to help strengthen the village's defenses, and when the Bone Hunters finally attack, the Glatorian are barely able to fight them off.
Although the village is safe, the gang's friendship is strained due to Littlefoot's continued reluctance to let any of the Bara Magna natives know about their elemental powers. Once the battle is over, the gang go their separate ways. Chomper and Ruby return to Tajun to continue staying with Berix. Ducky, Petrie, and Spike head for Tesara, figuring that the jungle environment of that village would be the closest they would ever get to returning home. Cera stays in Vulcanus to watch an upcoming match between Ackar and Strakk. And at Metus's request, Littlefoot agrees to travel with him for a little while. As they travel, Metus asks Littlefoot about what makes his group of friends so special, and after Metus promises to keep the conversation strictly between the two of them, Littlefoot agrees to tell him everything, including their elemental powers granted to them by the Energy Stones.
Later, as Littlefoot and Metus are on their way back to Vulcanus, they see an object fall from space and decide to investigate. When they arrive at the crash site, they find a mysterious yellow Glatorian who neither of them had seen before. When the Glatorian introduces himself as Mata Nui, Littlefoot is astonished and quickly realizes that the "helmet" he's wearing is actually the Mask of Life, but he barely manages to hide his shock and is careful to not reveal too much about what he already knows as the three of them travel to Vulcanus.
They arrive at the arena and watch the fight between Ackar and Strakk. At the same time, Littlefoot reunites with Cera, who is then just as shocked as he was that the new Glatorian with them is Mata Nui himself. When Strakk starts to fight dirty, Mata Nui suddenly jumps into the arena and fights in Ackar's place. During the fight, Mata Nui accidentally touches a small blade to his mask, causing the blade to somehow transform into a large sword, allowing him to win against Strakk. As the Glatorian depart, Metus considers what a great Glatorian Mata Nui would be, so Littlefoot and Cera (both realizing how absurd that would actually be) decide to follow him.
When they meet up with Mata Nui and Ackar, Mata Nui immediately refuses Metus's offer without any hesitation, so the Ice Agori quickly leaves. When Mata Nui reveals his otherworldly origins, Ackar, Littlefoot, and Cera agree to help him return to his home. Kiina suddenly arrives and also agrees to help by taking them all to Tajun, on the condition that Mata Nui takes her with him to his home world. Along the way, they consider the possibility that the Skrall have become so strong because a traitor has been giving them valuable information.
They arrive at Tajun only to discover that it has been attacked, although the villagers appeared to have safely gotten away. They soon find Ruby, who takes them to an injured Gresh. After making the shocking discovery that the village has been overrun by both Skrall and Bone Hunters working together, the group then takes refuge in a hidden underground place, where they bump into Chomper and Berix. Kiina is not happy to see Berix, but reluctantly holds back her anger. While Berix and Chomper help treat Gresh's injury, the others explore the rest of the place and soon discover that the Great Beings, Mata Nui's creators, had been here before.
Once the Skrall and Bone Hunters leave the ruined village, the group leaves the hideout and prepare to head for the nearest village, Tesara, to warn everyone about the new combined threat. Before they depart, Ackar wonders if Mata Nui could use his mask to improve their weapons, like he did with his own. He first tries Ackar's sword, who is then surprised to see that it has now given him elemental power over fire. Mata Nui does the same with Kiina and Gresh's weapons, respectively giving them water and air powers. With the Glatorian now possessing such incredible power, Littlefoot finally agrees to finally reveal the elemental powers that he and his friends have possessed during their time on Bara Magna.
The group arrives at Tesara, where a Glatorian match is taking place between Tarix and Vastus. Ackar swiftly interrupts the fight and reveals the real threat to all of them is the combined forces of Skrall and Bone Hunters. All the Glatorian and Agori decide to put their differences aside and unite to defend themselves. In addition, the gang (now finally completely reunited) also agree to help out in any way they can.
The next day, Metus tells everyone that Kiina, Berix, and Chomper have been captured by the Skrall. Raanu argues that it's a trap to lure the Glatorian away from the village to make it more vulnerable, so Mata Nui decides to rescue them alone. At the Skrall village, Chomper, Berix, and Kiina are locked up inside a cage and can only watch as Mata Nui arrives, challenges the Skrall leader Tuma to a one-on-one battle, and miraculously manages to win. The victory is short-lived when Metus suddenly steps forward to reveal himself as the traitor, who told the Skrall all about the abilities of every Glatorian (plus the gang's elemental powers), convinced them to join forces with the Bone Hunters, and made him their leader in the event of Tuma's fall.
It's not long before the rest of the heroes arrive to fight off the Skrall and Bone Hunters. Metus tries to escape, but Mata Nui catches him and uses the Mask of Life to turn him into a snake. Soon after, the combined powers of all the heroes are too much for the Skrall and Bone Hunters, who are left with no choice but to flee.
Later, the Agori decide to symbolize their newfound unity by dragging the shelters from all the villages together to one location. The gang watches alongside Mata Nui, Ackar, Kiina, Gresh, and Berix as the massive shelters come together, and all are surprised to see them form the body of a giant robot, not much different from the one Mata Nui used to have. Mata Nui reveals that what they have witnessed is only the beginning of what they must do.
Some time later, Mata Nui admits that his destiny is to reform the world of Spherus Magna, which had fragmented long ago into Bara Magna and it's two moons. In addition, he is also well aware that Makuta will soon find and destroy him, so he needs to be ready for his arrival. First, he journey's north to find and recover a power source for the reassembled giant robot. Once he get's that done, he has to persuade the villages leaders to abandon their combined shelters so that he could take control of the giant. Raanu and the other village leaders eventually agree. After the gang and the others give him a final wish of good luck, Mata Nui enters the giant and removes the Mask of Life, dissolving his Glatorian body and allowing his mind and spirit to take possession of the giant. He then begins the process of drawing the two moons back towards Bara Magna, but it's not long until Makuta (in possession of the entire Matoran universe within his giant robot body) finally arrives.
As Makuta battles with Mata Nui, he unleashes a massive army of Rahkshi on Bara Magna, who are quickly joined by Piraka and Skrall. The gang fights alongside both Glatorian and Toa and do whatever they can to win. It's not long before Tahu is granted a set of golden armor by the Mask of Life, but before he can grab it, the pieces are suddenly scattered across the land. The heroes race to retrieve all the pieces of the golden armor, and once Tahu puts them on, all of the Rahkshi are swiftly vanquished. This leaves Makuta stunned, just long enough for Mata Nui to shove him back into one of the incoming moons, which slams into the back of his head, killing Makuta once and for all.
After the now lifeless shell of the Matoran universe falls, the gang rushes over and are relieved to discover that all of their Matoran friends are okay. With the battle now over and all three fragments of Spherus Magna finally fused back together, Mata Nui uses the last of his energy to restore the world back to its former glory. Everyone is awed at seeing such a wonderful paradise rise up from the sands of the desert, but then everyone grows worried as they witness the giant form of Mata Nui turn to dust. They rush over to where he stood and find nothing left except for the Mask of Life. From within the mask, Mata Nui tells everyone that he restored this world for its natives and his people to peacefully coexist, and now that his duty was done, it was now time to him to sleep within the mask for the foreseeable future. He reveals that as he restored Spherus Magna, he had also opened a dimensional gateway within the underground place at Tajun, which would take the gang back to their home world and close only once all seven of them had passed through. Finally, he gives everyone one final mission: find the Great Beings and let them know that Spherus Magna had been reformed. And with one last goodbye, Mata Nui and the Mask of Life fall silent.
Later, the gang and all of the friends they had made are gathered in front of the dimensional gate. Matoran, Toa, Turaga, Agori, and Glatorian say their final goodbyes to the gang and wish them good luck in their next adventure. Finally, the gang step through the gateway, which automatically closes once they're through, and find themselves back in the Great Valley, where they are happily reunited with their families.
Later that day, they return to where they had left the Energy Stones and discover they have now been reduced to just useless rocks. The gang quickly realizes they still have their elemental powers and wonder what awaits them next. In the epilogue, a week has past since they returned home, and the gang follow an instinct from a dream they all had and enter a certain mysterious cave entrance they had never seen before.
And that's it for how the rest of this story would have gone. You know, now that I've finally got it all out, I'm realizing just how ridiculous this whole idea really was. Regardless, I understand there were at least some people who found this story and the first one to be interesting, so I'll also write some brief summaries of all the additional sequels I had also planned to write (once I can find the time to do so, of course).