Review of chapter one:
That is a very nice opening. It added a very realistic, natural touch, as sports have been played numerous times in LBT history. As such, when I began reading, it was like actually watching one of the movies. You’re good at describing action scenes; I could easily visualize the movements you described throughout the game.
Littlefoot was a wise choice to show concern for Petrie, as he is often referred to as the heart of the group, and as especially shown in movie thirteen, he has a high tendency to worry about others. You skillfully incorporated the general time period the gang is in, giving the readers the ability to know when this takes place. Using Pterano’s punishment as a focus, we now know that this takes place around five years after the seventh movie.
You handled the personalities with good precision. Ducky was comforting to Petrie, and Cera was downright rude, as usual. You incorporated that “Speak of the devil!” technique well by bringing Pterano in just as they were speaking about him. Now, here is where I run into my first qualm with the story. As a joke, Pterano pretends to kidnap Ducky. Sure, that can be a clever tactic to throw readers off, setting them up for a surprise, but I feel that this situation was too delicate to use such a thing. Let me explain.
Let’s say I stole from a grocery store. I was then caught and jailed for a year. Do you think I’m going to walk straight out of jail at the end of my term and pretend to do what threw me in in the first place? That is a sure fire way to get people to doubt I had a change of heart. It would show that stealing is still on my mind. Pretending to commit another crime could easily get me thrown right back into jail. On that note, I’d bet that if the grown-ups had seen this prank, they still wouldn’t want Pterano anywhere near their kids. In fact, I’d wager that Mr. Threehorn might’ve even had him banned again for pulling something like that. Pterano is very clever, very calculating, so it just seems a bit odd that he would risk getting kicked out again right upon his return.
In continuation of that, the gang didn’t have a normal reaction to that. You’d think they’d be angry at him for tricking and scaring them like that. However, you simply have the children make casual conversation with him right afterwards as if nothing had happened. That would be like me getting into your car, driving it out of sight as if to steal it, then coming back to have you start talking about the weather. I feel that the characters should have had a bit more of a negative reaction than they did to Pterano’s joke.
I enjoyed the way you sort of tricked the reader into thinking those three flyers wouldn’t cause trouble this time. After their chat with the children, it seemed as if they were reformed and posed no more threat. By doing so, their meal caused a great deal of surprise to the readers. I for one was certainly going, “Whoa.” However, your impact didn’t end there. You created a destiny for Petrie that has caused a lot of controversy in regards to Chomper. Now we see we have two children that are going to start needing meat as they grow older.
The flyer attack on the young dinosaur was nicely descriptive, though not for the faint of heart. May want to give a fair warning or perhaps a teen rating for those with weak stomachs. The ending was very well done. You set a broad stage for the story to continue. We now know that Pterano’s presence, at least with his meals, is going to cause an issue eventually. You also prepared direct trouble in the gang by addressing that Petrie will one day be doing the same thing. When Pterano mentioned that some of his friends didn’t accept it, it gave the readers this apprehension, wondering what Littlefoot and the others will do when they find out. In doing so, you have perked the readers’ curiosity, making them want to read on to find out what happens with that.
In a basic overview, you clearly have writing talent. You know how to set the stage for both openings and endings, and you understand the basics of how the characters react and interact. You added some extra flavor to a lesser-known character (Rinkus) by showing a less masculine side than what was shown in the movie. You didn’t change the facts, you merely added to them something a writer should do to keep the story fresh. A lot of grammar issues, but still completely understandable. I encourage you to continue on, because this story so far as the elements to be a great success. That’s my two cents on “Pterano’s Return chapter one.”
Grammar issues:
Let's take a look at that first sentence: "In the great valley a familiar group of dinosaurs played together, all but one that is."
For starters, the Great Valley is a specific place, and places are capitalized. I don't live in loogootee, indiana. I live in Loogootee, Indiana. Secondly, there should be a comma after valley. When you have a partial sentence separated by a complete sentence, a comma separates them from each other. Thirdly, this may be more of a matter of opinion, but that last segment may work better with a more significant pause than a mere comma. I think it would sound better with a dash instead. I would write that sentence as, “In the Great Valley, a familiar group of dinosaurs played together- all but one that is.”
Now for the second sentence: “They were all playing a game of ball, Littlefoot weaved past Chomper and then wacked the ball between Ruby's legs and into the goal when he realized something, Petrie who was the goalie didn't even try and stop it.”
That, my friend, is a run-on sentence. You are using commas where periods belong. Also, “wacked” should have an “h.” Thirdly, your pronoun reference is unclear. We as readers don’t know if your “he” is referring to Littlefoot or Chomper. They are both males in the sentence that that pronoun is used it. In my example, I will assume you meant Littlefoot. Next, you have a parenthetical element in the last part that wasn’t set apart by commas. A parenthetical element is a part of a sentence that can be removed without changing the meaning of the sentence. In “Petrie who was the goalie didn’t even try and stop it” the element I’m speaking of is “who was the goalie.” That should be set apart by commas.
Examples: Mary, who was the mailman’s wife, came over for a cup of sugar.
Indiana, known as the Hoosier state, is where I live.
Cauliflower, a very healthy vegetable, makes me gag.
Do you see the parenthetical elements in each? They add flavor to the sentence, but can be removed while keeping the sentence complete, just like how you can salt steak for more flavor, but removing the salt still keeps the meat good. Whenever you have these in a sentence, you need to set them apart with commas.
Now, here is how I’d write that: “They were all playing a game of ball. Littlefoot weaved past Chomper and then whacked the ball between Ruby's legs and into the goal. Then Littlefoot realized something: Petrie, who was the goalie, didn't even try and stop it.”
Now, you may wonder why I added a colon before “Petrie.” The reason for me writing that last sentence in such a way, is that one of the colon’s uses is to introduce a consequence or effect of a fact stated before.
Examples: There was only one possible explanation: the bear had killed the man.
After going through her dresses, Julia knew what she had to do: she had to wear her purple one.
With a bite of her cake visible, and a young boy with frosting on his lip, she concluded what had happened: the boy had taken a bite.
The colons are setting the stage for what happens next. “Littlefoot realized something.” That sets the stage for something to be revealed, which is that, “Petrie, who was the goalie, didn’t even try to block it.”
Next sentence. "Are you alright Petrie?" Littlefoot asked with a worried expression.
When addressing someone, you always put a comma before and/or after the name, depending on where it lands in the quote. It should be like this: "Are you alright, Petrie?" Littlefoot asked with a worried expression.
Examples:
“Jeremy, I need you to pick some eggs.”
“I want you to do me a favor, Carol.”
“Look up, Kacie, so I can see your face.”
If it starts the sentence, put a comma after. If it ends, put a comma before. If it falls into the middle, put one before and after.
Next. "Oh, me fine but it been five cold times already and uncle Pterano still no here" Petrie replied with a sad voice.
Good job holding true to Petrie’s poor grammar, but you forget the punctuation at the end of the quote.
"Oh, me fine but it been five cold times already and uncle Pterano still no here," Petrie replied with a sad voice.
Same thing here, but you missed the end of the sentence as well.
"He'll be back someday, he will, he will" Ducky said putting her hand on Petrie's shoulder
"He'll be back someday, he will, he will," Ducky said putting her hand on Petrie's shoulder.
Another run-on, another lack of quotation punctuation, and another lack of place capitalization. "Ha, didn't you see how my daddy ran him off, I bet he's too scared to come back to the great valley" Cera said in her usual smug tone.
Let’s try it like this:
"Ha, didn't you see how my daddy ran him off? I bet he's too scared to come back to the Great Valley," Cera said in her usual smug tone.
By the way, this should be two paragraphs:
"Ha, didn't you see how my daddy ran him off, I bet he's too scared to come back to the great valley" Cera said in her usual smug tone.
Littlefoot was about to say something but someone beat him to it. "I beg to differ" A familiar voice said from a tree, everyone turned their heads to see none other than Pterano revealing himself from the shade of some leaves with a rather sinister smirk on his face.
"Ha, didn't you see how my daddy ran him off, I bet he's too scared to come back to the great valley" Cera said in her usual smug tone.
Littlefoot was about to say something but someone beat him to it. "I beg to differ" A familiar voice said from a tree, everyone turned their heads to see none other than Pterano revealing himself from the shade of some leaves with a rather sinister smirk on his face.
Now, let’s take a look at that second paragraph, starting with sentence one:
“Littlefoot was about to say something but someone beat him to it.”
There is a formula for this kind of comma placement. S,+S. Unabbreviated, it goes: Sentence comma plus sentence. When you have a conjunction (for, and, not, but, or, yet, so) you need to look at both sides of it. If one side has a dependent clause, or fragment, if you will, then you don’t need the comma. If, however, both sides can stand alone, you need a comma before the conjunction.
Examples:
Katie wanted to read her book, but Amy played her music too loud.
Both sides of the conjunction can stand alone. Katie wanted to read her book. Amy played her music too loud. Therefore, you need a comma before the “but.”
Katie loved her new CD so played it all night.
“Katie loved her new CD,” can stand alone. “Played it all night,” cannot, so you have no need for a comma there.
In the end, that sentence should read as: “Littlefoot was about to say something, but someone beat him to it.” Why? Because “Littlefoot was about to say something,” and “Someone beat him to it,” can stand alone as sentences.
Next. "I beg to differ" A familiar voice said from a tree, everyone turned their heads to see none other than Pterano revealing himself from the shade of some leaves with a rather sinister smirk on his face.
Another lack of quotation punctuation and it’s another run-on. Also, you’re lacking a preposition with the tree. Try this:
"I beg to differ," a familiar voice said from behind a tree. Everyone turned their heads to see none other than Pterano revealing himself from the shade of some leaves with a rather sinister smirk on his face.
Next. "Uncle Pterano you come back!" Petrie shouted with joy as he flew up to his uncle and hugged his beak but strangely Pterano did not return the hug.
Another lack of a comma after a name in a quote. Also, this sentence is kind of wordy. Let’s break it up.
"Uncle Pterano, you come back!" Petrie shouted with joy as he flew up to his uncle and hugged his beak. Strangely, Pterano did not return the hug.
"You good now right?" Petrie asked his uncle looking the large flyer right in the eye.
Missing some commas there. The message gets a bit harder to follow without proper pauses.
"You good now, right?" Petrie asked his uncle, looking the large flyer right in the eye.
"Is Pterano good? That's a hard question" a familiar deep voice said as a dark brown flyer landed on the same branch as Pterano.
Another lack of punctuation at the end of a quote. New issue as well. When two words work together to make a single description (known as a compound modifier) you combine them with a hyphen (-). Your usage of “dark” is describing the extent of the “brown.” so they are working as a team to make one depiction. You aren’t saying he is dark and he is brown as two things. You are saying that the brown description is being made even more descriptive with the word dark.
Examples: The steady-moving horse made his way up the hill.
He stepped past the angry-looking man nervously.
The boy suck his cream-covered sucker with delight.
Oh, and don’t forget to separate lists of adjectives with a comma, such as with “familiar deep.”
"Is Pterano good? That's a hard question," a familiar, deep voice said as a dark-brown flyer landed on the same branch as Pterano.
"Yeh I just can't seem to determine the answer" another familiar voice said as a darkish pink flyer landed next to the brown one.
Don’t forget that interjections, even slang ones like “Yeh” must be followed by an exclamation point or by a comma if the feeling isn’t as strong. In this case, it seems a comma would do nicely. Once again, no punctuation at the end of the quote. Once again, you need a hyphen in the center of the compound modifier.
"Yeh, I just can't seem to determine the answer," another familiar voice said as a darkish- pink flyer landed next to the brown one.
"Rinkus and Sierra! What they doing here" Petrie said as he let go of his uncle.
Another quote with no punctuation, and Petrie didn’t say anything. He asked a question. Asking and saying are two completely different things.
"Rinkus and Sierra! What they doing here?" Petrie asked as he let go of his uncle.
"I'm sorry Petrie but I must exact my revenge on the one who foiled my plan" Pterano said and as if on cue Sierra dove down and grabbed Ducky with his talons and flew back up, Pterano and Rinkus followed suit.
Ah! A perfectly good example of yours when a name needs two commas. Another lack of quotation punctuation, missing some commas, and it’s a run-on sentence. The run-on can be fixed in a few ways.
"I'm sorry, Petrie, but I must exact my revenge on the one who foiled my plan," Pterano said, and as if on cue, Sierra dove down and grabbed Ducky with his talons and flew back up. Pterano and Rinkus followed suit.
"I'm sorry, Petrie, but I must exact my revenge on the one who foiled my plan," Pterano said, and as if on cue, Sierra dove down and grabbed Ducky with his talons and flew back up, and Pterano and Rinkus followed suit.
"I'm sorry, Petrie, but I must exact my revenge on the one who foiled my plan," Pterano said, and as if on cue, Sierra dove down and grabbed Ducky with his talons and flew back up; Pterano and Rinkus followed suit.
All three of those are the same except for how I fixed the run-on sentence.
"Well I guess that's a no" Rinkus said as he and the two other flyers disappeared into the clouds.
Need a comma after the interjection and punctuation at the end of the quote.
"Well, I guess that's a no," Rinkus said as he and the two other flyers disappeared into the clouds.
"What we do! What we do!" Petrie panicked while holding his head in his hands.
“What we do!” is a question, and as such, deserves a question mark. With the strong emotion, you can get away with keeping the exclamation points as well.
"What we do!? What we do!?" Petrie panicked while holding his head in his hands.
While it isn’t exactly proper to use two forms of punctuation, many stories, even novels do it, so it’s not a big deal.
"We have to tell the grownups and quick" Littlefoot said but as the turned to leave someone landed in front of them.
“Grownups” should be “grown-ups.” You again missed the punctuation at the end of the quote. Also missing some commas.
"We have to tell the grown-ups and quick" Littlefoot said, but as the turned to leave, someone landed in front of them.
"Now why would you want to do that" Rinkus said with a smirk on his face.
Another lack of quotation punctuation, and again, there is nothing being said. He is asking.
"Now why would you want to do that?" Rinkus asked with a smirk on his face.
"Yes, you wouldn't want to get poor innocent Pterano in trouble now would you" Pterano said as he and Sierra were perched on the same tree they were one, Sierra was standing on one foot with Ducky in the other.
The wording there is somewhat hard to follow, and don’t you mean, “… poor, innocent Ducky?” Another list of adjectives to separate and missing a comma as well. Oh, and another lack of punctuation at the end of the quote. Ah, and again, something is being asked, not said. Let’s sort this out.
"Yes, you wouldn't want to get poor, innocent Ducky in trouble, now would you?" Pterano asked from the tree he and Sierra were perched on. Sierra was standing on one foot with Ducky in the other.
"Let Ducky go or I'll…" Cera shouted before she was cut off.
When someone is suddenly cut off mid-sentence, it is symbolized by an em dashó. An ellipsis (which is what you used) is commonly used when someone trails off voluntarily. If I’m talking then forget where I’m going with the conversation, I trail off. If I find that I shouldn’t say anymore mid-sentence, I’ll trail off. If I suddenly decide differently, I trail off.
Examples, respectively: I have a very important point in this conversation. I think it’s best that we…
Sorry about your dad dying. Oh, by the way, my dad and I are going…
I like that color! Get it for me and, ooh…
When someone is cut off from an interruption however, like with Cera, you use an em dash, typically referred to as just a dash, to end the sentence.
"Let Ducky go or I'll-" Cera shouted before she was cut off.
"Oh come on can't you kids take a joke" Sierra said gliding down towards them gently putting Ducky on the ground, shortly after Pterano landed beside him.
No punctuation at the end of the quote, missing a comma, Sierra didn’t say anything, and I find the sentence to be a little wordy.
"Oh come on, can't you kids take a joke?" Sierra asked, gliding down towards them. He gently put Ducky on the ground, shortly after Pterano landed beside him.
"You didn't really think I would be up to my old tricks after what happened last time do you" Pterano said with a smirk. Then surprisingly Ducky giggled.
Missing the question mark, Pterano didn’t ask anything, and a comma feels right for both sentences.
"You didn't really think I would be up to my old tricks after what happened last time, do you?" Pterano asked with a smirk. Then surprisingly, Ducky giggled.
"I really thought you were still bad Petrie's uncle, I did, I did" she said with a smile.
Need a comma before the name. Although “Petrie’s uncle” isn’t his name, Ducky is using that phrase in place of his name, so the rule still applies.
"I really thought you were still bad, Petrie's uncle, I did, I did" she said with a smile.
"Oh no I'm a changed flyer, and just call me Pterano" Pterano said picking up Ducky in his hands. "You children haven't grown much" he said which made them all look down in shame except Cera he 'hpmhed' at this statement.
Need a comma after “Oh no,” and you used a noun twice unnecessarily. Because he said, “… just call me Pterano,” it is clear to the reader that Pterano is the one speaking, so you should use a pronoun for the reference following. A comma after both “said”s would be good too. Missing the punctuation after the quote as well. “he” should be “who” and you only put single quotation marks when you have quotes in quotes. Your interjection is also misspelled. It’s “Hmphed” not “Hpmhed.” Also missed the punctuation after both quotes.
"Oh no, I'm a changed flyer, and just call me Pterano," he said, picking up Ducky in his hands. "You children haven't grown much," he said, which made them all look down in shame except Cera who “Hmphed” at this statement.
"So uncle, why you with them?" Petrie asked pointing at the two other flyers. "Me thought they were bad"
Uncle is used as a direct name so there should be a comma before and after it. There should be a comma after the “asked” as well. Also missing the period at the end of the quote.
"So, uncle, why you with them?" Petrie asked, pointing at the two other flyers. "Me thought they were bad."
"Forgive and forget Petrie, you see when I was banished from the great valley I stopped by to see if I could patch things up with these two and I was successful" Pterano said.
Need a comma before Petrie, and that seems to be a run-on sentence. Also, missing the punctuation in the quote and some commas, and the location needs to be capitalized.
"Forgive and forget, Petrie. You see, when I was banished from the Great Valley, I stopped by to see if I could patch things up with these two, and I was successful," Pterano said.
"Yeh, we couldn't stay mad at our old friend" Sierra said nudging Pterano's shoulder.
Suddenly Pterano chuckled to himself noticing the dark purple sharptooth and the pink fastrunner.
Needs punctuation in the quote, some commas as well. Also, the transition between “himself” and “noticing” feels a bit rough, and I believe a dash should be placed between “dark” and “purple.” Let’s reword that a bit.
"Yeh, we couldn't stay mad at our old friend," Sierra said, nudging Pterano's shoulder.
Suddenly, Pterano chuckled to himself, having noticed the dark-purple sharptooth and the pink fastrunner.
"I do say we forgot to introduce ourselves to the new members of this convoy" all the children looked slightly confused but they understood most of what Pterano said.
"I'm Pterano and these are my associates Rinkus and Sierra" Pterano said pointing to the two other flyers.
Need punctuation at the end of the quote, a “that” would make it sound smoother, and a comma is needed before “but” because both sides have an independent clause, same for the “and” following. A comma after “said” would sound smoother too.
"I do say that we forgot to introduce ourselves to the new members of this convoy," all the children looked slightly confused, but they understood most of what Pterano said.
"I'm Pterano, and these are my associates Rinkus and Sierra" Pterano said, pointing to the two other flyers.
"I'm Chomper and this is Ruby" Chomper said.
Don’t forget, a comma is always used when a conjunction separates two complete sentences.
"I'm Chomper, and this is Ruby" Chomper said.
"You're not afraid of Chomper?" Littlefoot asked with and astonished expression.
You meant to say, but did not, “an astonished expression,” not “and astonished expression.”
"Well if he was a threat you wouldn't be playing with him now would you" Pterano said in a mater-of-fact kind of way. Littlefoot just shrugged his shoulders in an I don't know kind of way.
Need a comma after the conjunction “well,” need punctuation after at the end of a quote, a “then” would make it sounder smoother, Pterano asked, not said, “mater-of-fact” should have three t’s (matter-of-fact) and youp are being consistent. Why put dashes in “matter-of-fact kind of way” but not in “I don’t know kind of way”?
"Well, if he was a threat then you wouldn't be playing with him now would you?" Pterano asked in a matter-of-fact kind of way. Littlefoot just shrugged his shoulders in an I-don't-know kind of way.
"Hello Petrie's uncle, Petrie's uncle hello" Ruby said waving to Pterano who bore a facial expression of slight confusion.
Need a comma before the direct address and one would do well after “said.” Also, do not forget the punctuation at the end of the quote.
"Hello, Petrie's uncle, Petrie's uncle hello," Ruby said, waving to Pterano who bore a facial expression of slight confusion.
"She always talks like that, you'll get used to it" Chomper said noticing Pterano's expression.
You never separate two complete sentences with a comma. A comma after “said” would also sound smoother, and you need punctuation at the end of a quote.
"She always talks like that. You'll get used to it," Chomper said, noticing Pterano's expression.
Or
"She always talks like that; you'll get used to it," Chomper said, noticing Pterano's expression.
Or
"She always talks like that, so you'll get used to it," Chomper said, noticing Pterano's expression.
"Aren't you just the cutest thing" Rinkus said walking over to Chomper and holding Chomper's head in his hands.
Need punctuation at the end of the quote, need a comma after “said” and Rinkus didn’t say anything; that was a question.
"Aren't you just the cutest thing?" Rinkus asked, walking over to Chomper and holding Chomper's head in his hands. (So technically, I should have said, “I comma after ëasked.’)
"Oh come on Rinkus, the baby spiketail on the way here was cute, the baby sharptooth is cute… what else is cute" Sierras said glaring at Rinkus.
Need a comma after the interjection “oh,” and you are separated a lot of complete sentences with commas. Also, Sierra didn’t say anything. He asked. Speaking of Sierra, I am pretty sure he is spelled “Sierra,” not “Sierras.” And don’t forget the punctuation at the end of the quote and a comma after “said.” (Though it should be “asked.”)
"Oh, come on Rinkus. The baby spiketail on the way here was cute. The baby sharptooth is cute… What else is cute?" Sierras asked, glaring at Rinkus.
"So uncle you want to go meet elders now so everyone know you back?" Petrie asked excitedly but before Pterano could Answer Sierra's stomach growled.
Need to separate a direct address with commas, “Answer” is never capitalized unless it starts a sentence, or for some odd reason is the name of a person or place, a comma should go after “excitedly,” and a comma separates a partial sentence from a complete one.
"So, uncle, you want to go meet elders now so everyone know you back?" Petrie asked excitedly, but before Pterano could Answer, Sierra's stomach growled.
"I think it's about lunch time now" Pterano said also rubbing his belly.
Need punctuation at the end of the quote as well as a comma after “said.”
"I think it's about lunch time now," Pterano said, also rubbing his belly.
"You could come eat with us" Petrie said with a big smile.
Need punctuation at the end of the quote, and you’ve used “said” quite a bit already. Try some more detailed words, like “offered.”
"You could come eat with us," Petrie offered with a big smile.
"Uh, thank you Petrie but we have our, um, preferences" Pterano said a bit nervously. "I'll see you later, farewell" and with that Pterano took off.
Commas must separate a direct address, need quotation punctuation, and a comma would make the sentence smoother after “that.”
"Uh, thank you, Petrie, but we have our, um, preferences," Pterano said a bit nervously. "I'll see you later, farewell," and with that, Pterano took off.
"See ya," Sierra said about to take off but he seemed to be waiting for Rinkus.
That doesn’t flow very well, and a comma must separate a full sentence from a partial one. Try:
"See ya," Sierra said as he was about to take off, but he seemed to be waiting for Rinkus.
"Toddles" Rinkus said waving with his fingers rather than his hand. He and Sierra then took off.
Need punctuation at the end of the quote and comma after said.
"Toddles," Rinkus said, waving with his fingers rather than his hand. He and Sierra then took off.
"I swear Rinkus you getting gayer by the minute" Sierra said as the two flew away in the same direction as Pterano.
Need commas to separate a direct address, and I don’t recall Sierra having a grammar issue, so “you” should be “You’re.” Also needs punctuation at the end of the quote.
"I swear, Rinkus, you’re getting gayer by the minute," Sierra said as the two flew away in the same direction as Pterano.
"Well I guess we should go and eat" Cera said walking away, the other followed suit.
All of them were unaware of what the three adult flyers were doing.
In the mysterious beyond not to for from the great valley Pterano, Rinkus and Sierra flew with their eyes to the ground.
Need a comma after the interjection “well,” punctuation at the end of the quote, and you separated two complete sentences with a comma alone. You also need to capitalize places and set apart parenthetical elements with commas. By the way, a list has a comma after each item except the last one, so there should have been one after “Rinkus” as well.
"Well, I guess we should go and eat," Cera said walking away. The (or “away; the” or away, and the”) other followed suit.
All of them were unaware of what the three adult flyers were doing.
In the Mysterious Beyond, not to for from the Great Valley, Pterano, Rinkus, and Sierra flew with their eyes to the ground.
"Ok you know the plan, we need to make this as quick and clean as possible" Pterano said then he nodded to Rinkus and then the pink flyer broke away from the two others.
Need a comma after “OK” (both letters should be capitalized, not just the “k”), you put a comma between two complete sentences, punctuation is needed after the quote, and it sounds a bit choppy.
"OK, you know the plan. We (or “plan, and we” or “plan; we”) need to make this as quick and clean as possible," Pterano said as he nodded to Rinkus who in turn broke away from the two others.
The hollow-horn was grazing on what little green food there was and then something caught his attention. He looked up at the sound of screeching and saw a pink flyer coming straight at him with talons poised for attack. Instinctively the hollow-horn fled but was so preoccupied with looking back at the pink flyer he didn't notice a dark brown and light brown flyer head straight for him. By the time he turned around it was too late as the two large flyers struck him, one in the head and one in the chest. The hollow-horn tried to struggle but the light brown flyer quickly ended it by driving his hand claws into the hollow-horn's neck, cutting off its oxygen and causing it to bleed profusely. Satisfied that the hollow-horn was dead the three flyers began to gorge themselves.
Need a comma after “Instinctively,” could use a “that,” “dark brown and light brown” should be “dark-brown and light-brown,” need a comma to separate a full sentence from a partial one, need a comma when two complete sentences are separated by a conjunction, “it” does not describe an animal, as they have genders, and another case of separating a partial sentence from a full one.
The hollow-horn was grazing on what little green food there was and then something caught his attention. He looked up at the sound of screeching and saw a pink flyer coming straight at him with talons poised for attack. Instinctively, the hollow-horn fled but was so preoccupied with looking back at the pink flyer that he didn't notice a dark-brown and light-brown flyer head straight for him. By the time he turned around, it was too late as the two large flyers struck him, one in the head and one in the chest. The hollow-horn tried to struggle, but the light brown flyer quickly ended it by driving his hand claws into the hollow-horn's neck, cutting off his (or her) oxygen and causing his (or her) to bleed profusely. Satisfied that the hollow-horn was dead, the three flyers began to gorge themselves.
"Oh I can't imagine what would happen if Petrie found out at such a tender age" Pterano said after swallowing a chunk of meat.
Need a comma after the conjunction and need punctuation at the end of the quote.
"Oh, I can't imagine what would happen if Petrie found out at such a tender age," Pterano said after swallowing a chunk of meat.
"Look, all flyers are omnivores and male flyers need to eat meat when they come of a certain age, he'll find out some day so why not now" Sierra said with a piece of meat in his beak.
Need a comma to separate two independent clauses separated by a conjunction, you separated two complete sentences with a comma, quotes need punctuation, and Sierra asked, not said.
"Look, all flyers are omnivores, and male flyers need to eat meat when they come of a certain age. He'll (or “age, and he’ll” or “age; he’ll) find out some day so why not now?" Sierra asked with a piece of meat in his beak.
"And I would think he'd catch on by now I mean why would a leaf eater need claws like these" Rinkus said observing his sharp claws.
Run-on sentence there. Also, needs quote punctuation, “leaf eater” should be “leaf-eater,” Rinkus asked, not said, and a comma belongs after “said” or with my editing, the “asked.”
"And I would think he'd catch on by now. I mean, why would a leaf-eater need claws like these?" Rinkus asked, observing his sharp claws.
"And teeth like these" Sierra added pointing out his pointed teeth.
Needs quotation punctuation and a comma and “out” should be “at.”
"And teeth like these," Sierra added, pointing at his pointed teeth.
"Yes well I may have lethal claws but at least my teeth aren't out there for everyone to see" Pterano said.
Needs commas after the interjections, punctuation after the quote, and a comma separates a sentence with two independent clauses centered around a conjunction.
"Yes, well, I may have lethal claws, but at least my teeth aren't out there for everyone to see," Pterano said.
"I would think he'd have seen yours while you talk, you got some real sharp teeth Pterano" Rinkus said before digging back into the carcass.
Two complete sentences are never separated by a comma. Also needs quote punctuation, “have” would sound better than “got,” and a comma needs to separate a direct address.
"I would think he'd have seen yours while you talk. You have some real sharp teeth, Pterano," Rinkus said before digging back into the carcass.
"Just wait, when his talons and teeth grow in he'll be hunting down crawlers in no time" Sierra said before doing as Rinkus did.
You have two complete sentences separated by a comma and you have a partial and full sentence not separated by a comma. “Just wait” may not seem like a complete sentence, but the subject is invisible, being none other then the one or numerous characters being addressed. Also, needs quote punctuation.
"Just wait. When his talons and teeth grow in, he'll be hunting down crawlers in no time," Sierra said before doing as Rinkus did.
Pterano let out a sigh "It's just life I guess, I hope his friends will understand, most of mine didn't" He finished before also digging in.
Needs a period at the end of the first sentence, needs a comma to set apart the parenthetical element “I guess,” and you have three complete sentences set apart by commas. “He” should not be capitalized, falling into the same sentence as the quote, and the quote needs punctuation.
Pterano let out a sigh. "It's just life, I guess. I hope his friends will understand. Most of mine didn't," he finished before also digging in.
That’s all I have to say for this chapter. I can’t write reviews as thorough as Pangaea, and I apologize about that, but I promise that I did my best. I’m far from perfect with grammar, so I likely have some mistakes with my suggestions, but they should serve as fairly decent guidelines. Best wishes on your story.
