The Gang of Five
Beyond the Mysterious Beyond => The Party Room => Topic started by: Pangaea on August 23, 2010, 12:01:35 PM
-
This is a thread for posting witty quotes, funny stories, and transcripts of amusing conversations from real life. These include wisecracks, taunts, and unintentionally hilarious things that you have said or heard someone else say, funny stories and experiences you have had, and humorous exchanges between two or more people that you have overheard or been involved in. Subjects of stories and speakers of quotes can be you, family members, friends, acquaintances, or complete strangers; as long as it’s something you’ve said, heard, witnessed, or experienced in the real world (and not routines or staged performances as in a play or a comedian’s stand-up act), and isn’t too rude, dirty, or otherwise inappropriate (see the GOF censorship rules (http://www.gangoffive.net/index.php?topic=273)), it’s acceptable.
This thread is not to be confused with the “Funniest Quotes You've Heard (http://www.gangoffive.net/index.php?topic=3506)” thread in the Silver Screen section, as all quotes and stories in this thread must be from real life, not from movies or television. It is also distinct from the “Make your own quotes (http://www.gangoffive.net/index.php?topic=4448)” thread, because quotes here must specifically be humorous. And that said, the stories and quotes shared here should not be jokes, per se; those should be posted in this thread (http://www.gangoffive.net/index.php?topic=80).
To start off, and to provide examples of the kind of material that should go in this thread, I am reposting these quotes (originally posted here (http://www.gangoffive.net/index.php?topic=6185&view=findpost&p=9198480)), all conversations that took place between members of my wacky family, :p which essentially provided the original inspiration for this thread. Enjoy! :smile
Me: “I would appreciate it if you would let me get a word in edgewise.”
My older younger brother: “But we ain’t in edgewise. We’re in Minnesota!”
My sister: “Hey, guys. Guess what? Today I saw a real dead human brain.”
Me: “Great. I’m glad you two were finally reunited.”
My older younger brother: “There are monkeys in this world!”
Me: “Of course. There’s one in the living room talking right now.”
*My brothers and I are watching a Three Stooges short, and our mom walks in.*
My mom: “What’s this show called?”
My youngest brother: “ëI’m A Monkey’s Uncle’ (*the title of the short*).”
My older younger brother: “You are?”
*My mom and older younger brother are sitting on the couch in the living room. I’m looking for my two youngest siblings.*
Me: “Where are those other two chumps?”
My mom: “I don’t know. (*pause*) Hey! What do you mean by ëother chumps’?”
Me: (*carrying a roast turkey from the oven*) “Turkey coming through!”
My mom: “You talking about yourself?”
Me: “You can pick your friends, but not your family.”
My mom: “You can pick your friends, you can pick your petsó”
My dad: “You can pick your nose…”
My mom: “That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.”
Me: “Ah, I’ve seen weirder things.”
My sister: “Yeah, the mirror.”
P.S. I’d like to thank Cancerian Tiger for suggesting this thread, and Rat_lady7 for asking the question in my “Ask Me” thread that led to me originally posting the above quotes. :)
-
Wow, I didn't realize I was so privileged to have funny conversations and incidents in my life. :p
I guess I'll bump this thread with another one of my personal stories. This conversation is only funny if you understand the context of it, so read the following paragraph first.
My mom, my youngest brother, and I were in the family room. They were on the couch in front of the TV, and I was standing nearby. I was bored, and felt like watching a video, so I asked them what they felt like watching, but worded it rather vaguely because I expected they’d know what I was talking about. However, it happened that my mother was feeling worn out from the heat (it was a warm day), while my brother was feeling hungry. It turned out that none of us were thinking about the same thing, but we all thought we were, so each of us ended up interpreting the prior speaker(s) in completely different ways. To this day it is one of our favorite moments of real-life comedy:
Me: “So, whaddaya feel like?”
My mom: “I feel like a hot marshmallow.”
My youngest brother: “Good idea! Let’s have s’mores!”
-
Okay, I have one I now remember for a little while ago, a small conversation about Lego Batman believe it or not :lol
Me: Huh, I just unlocked Bruce Wayne as a character
My Friend: What's he going to do? Throw money at you?
Man, that was just a classic, well, I can't recall if that's what I said exactly, but it was about unlocking Bruce Wayne as a character in the game, and that's what my friend had said :lol:
-
^ THANK YOU! Finally another poster!
I'll post another of my own. My youngest brother has a habit of making extremely bizarre noises when he stretches. (One time my mother heard him stretching from elsewhere in the house and yelled, “What’s wrong with the cat?!” :lol). A while ago, he was making some of his unearthly stretching sounds, and I commented on it:
Me: “You sound like a yeti stretching!”
(pause)
Me: “Never mind, you ARE a yeti stretching, so how can I blame ya?”
-
The most hilarious thing I had ever heard was what this girl said after me and my friend had seen Bruno. Unfortunately I don't think I'd be allowed to post what she said as it is inappropriate.
-
Me to a friend while studying for an Organic Chemistry exam: Just remember, carbon is the molecular whore!
-
The most hilarious thing I had ever heard was what this girl said after me and my friend had seen Bruno. Unfortunately I don't think I'd be allowed to post what she said as it is inappropriate.
Umm…what's the second funniest thing you've ever heard? Can you post that? :p
Here's another one of mine:
*My two brothers and I are waiting in the car. My youngest brother is horsing around in the far back, where he has manipulated the lever on my seat (in the middle) to cause it to recline. My other brother and I are trying to make him stop.*
Me: (*yelling*) “Get in the front seat!” (*meaning the middle*)
My older younger brother: “What does it matter if he’s in the middle or the back?”
Me: “Because when he’s back there he can taunt me!”
My older younger brother: “But he can taunt you from the middle, too.”
Me: “Well, then I can punch him!”
Don’t worry, I never punch hard, only playfully. :angel
-
My two friends and I were talking about a geometry quiz.
Friend 1: I don't think I did so well on the quiz, but I'll be happy with whatever I got.
Me: Yeah, bread crumbs are better than nothing.
Friend 2: But nothing is better than getting a good grade.
Friend 1: Then, according to the law of detachment, bread crumbs are better than getting a good grade.
-
Here's a couple of my parrot Howard's funniest lines he's said to/around me:
Howard (while I'm in the room): "Where's Anna? Huh? Where's Anna?"
Me: "I'm right here, silly."
Howard: "Oh, gawwwwd." :lol
and
Howard: "Aw, s***! Hahahahahaha! Hey, let's all go to bed! Woohooooo!" :spit
-
Howard (while I'm in the room): "Where's Anna? Huh? Where's Anna?"
Me: "I'm right here, silly."
Howard: "Oh, gawwwwd." :lol
:lol
That happens to me all the time, actually. :rolleyes Sometimes when I'm with my family in a public place where there are a lot of people and/or it is easy to get lost (such as a zoo or airport), I find myself looking around and asking “Where’s (name of family member)?”, only for someone else (often the person I'm looking for) to say “Right here”, and I turn around and see them right behind me. :oops :slap
-
Umm…what's the second funniest thing you've ever heard? Can you post that? dino_tongue.gif
Well I guess you could say it's funny. Well at least to me, but...
When I had gotten back from class, I stopped at Best Buy to pick up The Human Centipede on DVD. So before heading home, I decided to go to Borders and visit a friend of mine. She noticed the DVD in my pocket and asked what it was. When I showed it to her, she just started freaking out and showing her co-workers the DVD. And then she started asking me questions like, "Why does he cut their knees?", "Why did they do this, why did they do that?" And so on and so forth. I just found her reaction and the questions funny.
-
Mom: "I don't know how somebody so skinny can take up so much room."
Me: "I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not."
-
My friends and I where doing those Soviet Russia jokes this one time:
Kevin: In Soviet Russia, Ipod touch you!
Ryan:...That sounds wrong.
Me: In Soviet Russia shirt iron you! It very painful, especially when shirt hold grudge.
-
Funniest thing I've every heard is my friend Zack singing "We Wish you a Merry Christmas" yesterday, and today. I told him it was October, you should be doing halloween themed stuff, save it for christmas. :p :lol
-
Had another funny moment with Howard today while I was cleaning his cage area.
Howard (as soon as I turned the vacuum cleaner off): "Hey! Don't even start that!"
I swear, this bird has a humanlike mind :lol.
-
Told this to a co-worker after I heard it at a meeting:
Arguing with an adolescent is like mud-wrestling with a pig; you both will get dirty and the pig actually enjoys it.
-
Glad to see so many people posting in this thread! :D
Here’s a quote of mine I uttered last night relating to my absentmindedness, namely the increasingly frequent moments in which I completely blank out in the middle of a sentence:
Some people have brain farts. I have chronic cerebral flatulence.
-
I said this one the other day while eating fried catfish in front of a relative who hates catfish:
Me (just before takin' a bite of catfish): "Poor Friskies. He was a good family cat."
Relative: :huh: :blink: :x :x
-
I say the following if I ever forget where I parked in a parking lot.
Me: "I didn't lose the keys this time, I lost the whole damn car!" :p
-
^ I actually spent several seconds laughing out loud (albeit quietly) at that one. :lol
I'm currently working as a volunteer at an aquarium, where my job is to answer questions (:smile :DD) and show visitors how to properly pet the fish in the touch tanks. The following is a permutation of one of the most frequent conversations I have when I tell visitors that they can touch the sturgeon:
Visitor: “It’s not going to bite me, is it?”
Me: “Naw, they don’t even have teeth. They've just got a sucker-like mouth on the underside of their heads like a vacuum cleaner. Even if they did try to bite you, the worst they could do is give you a big hickey.” :P:
-
Here’s one that I thought was kind of appropriate to post on Halloween: :p
In December 2007, my final project for one of my college courses was a presentation on vampires, which I practiced beforehand in front of my family. My mom suggested that I bring in some props such as garlic or crucifixes, and this conversation ensued:
Me: “I’m not bringing garlic!”
My dad: “Well, can you bring in a crucifix?”
My mom: “I have a crucifix hanging there on the Christmas tree.”
Me: (*my interest piqued*) “Oh, really? Where?”
My mom: “Right there.”
*My youngest brother points out the cross ornament for me. I take one look at it and am not impressed.*
My mom: “Why don’t you bring that in?”
Me: “It’s crocheted!”
*My dad cracks up. I grab the “cross” and hold it up.*
Me: “It’s a freakin’ doily!”
*By now, my mom has joined in the laughter.*
Me: (*sarcastically*) “Yeah, this’ll scare off a vampire.”
*I mockingly hold the doily-cutout-cross out in front of me, as if to fend off a vampire.*
-
A few days before Halloween I was at a free showing of Hocus Pocus at the theater.
Kids were swarming me for I had on a kitty mascot head.
Well these two boys were talking with me and one told me this interesting fact.
"President Obama is our 5th President. Because there were 5 other Obamas before him but they all died...so that's why Obama is our 5th."
Or something like that.
I tried so hard not to laugh aloud. It was extreemly adorable yet hillarious.
-
Oh, I've got a lot of these.... sadly most of them are of an adult nature.
-
Saw this one on a bumper sticker:
"Nothing is impossible, eh? Try slamming a revolving door!" :lol
-
Some members of my family (myself included :p) have a habit of talking to things that cannot reply to us. One time, my younger brother was doing this while the both of us were making lunch in the kitchen, and I brought this up:
Me: “Do you always talk to the cheese this much when you’re making sandwiches?”
My mom also tends to talk to characters on the TV. One time I made the following comment:
Me: “Intensive scientific studies have shown that people on the television screen cannot hear you when you talk to them.”
-
This one happened today while I was grouting ceramic tile:
Me (about to grout around an electrical outlet): "A'ight, I'm gonna put some of this grout on my finger and shove it right here."
Relative: "Did I just hear you say you're going to stick your finger in the socket?!"
Me: "No way, I'd have to be a dumba** to do that, or try for a Darwin Award."
Relative: "Well, it wouldn't surprise me."
What I hear if I'm at home and run into something (my relatively fast pace is also taken into consideration in the following statement):
Relative (jokingly): "There you go chargin' in here like a bull in a china shop again!"
-
Some of my older brother's stuff.
Brother: Scientist call it being bi-sexual...I call it being damn greedy, I mean pick one already?
Little brother: I'm bored
Brother: Go sit in the toilet
Little brother: But I don't have to poo
Brother: So? You'll be amazed how time flies when your on the toilet, that's when you think and use your imagination.
Brother(to his car): Tomorrow we're gonna smoke 'em...What do ya mean I change gear sloppy, you gearbox is the problem...well I wouldn't have ha to mess with it if it was good in the first place...don't go blaming this on the company it's all your fault...yeah maybe I should have gotten a Toyota...well excuse me Mr. I can't keep my tail under control...you know what thats it, time out I'm putting you in the garage.
He pauses like it's talking to him :lol
-
Oyg…I'm really in need of some humor right now. Here's a few more random amusing quotes from me and my family:
My youngest brother: “Did you call me a lump?”
Me: “No. I just burped.”
This one happened after my youngest brother used an unusual idiom (I forgot what it was) while talking with my older younger brother:
My youngest brother: “It’s a figure of speech.”
My older younger brother: “Oh. I’ve never heard that one before.”
My youngest brother: “That’s because I made it up.”
On this occasion, my family and I were having walleye for dinner. I had selected a much smaller plate for my meal than anyone else, and my mom took notice as I was squeezing lemon juice over my fish:
My mom: “Why do you have a tiny plate?”
Me: “It has a smaller surface area, so there’s less room for the lemon to spread out, and it pools.”
My mom: “Well, it’s weird, but at least there’s a scientific reason for it.”
Me: “There’s always a scientific reason for anything weird that I do...that, or I’m just being stupid.”
My mom: “Well, there’s a scientific reason for stupidity, too.”
Me: “Yeah, it’s called natural selection.”
My mom: (*laughs*) “Right!”
Anyone else have a funny quote or story to share? I'm dying for a laugh right now!
-
I have one from my sister yesterday.
She was at the computer, and it wasn't working for her....and she calls out "You black piece of sh!t!"
Thing is, the computer is a black computer....so yeah.... :p
-
whenever me or my siblings fell of a bike or something like that when we were little, my parents always asked something along the lines of
Did you hurt the road?
-
^ I remember my dad saying almost the same thing once (and probably on other occasions as well) when I hit my head on a door frame: :rolleyes
My dad: “Is the door okay?”
-
This happened just last night. :lol
Me: *Looks at tv screen* Oh my god!
Mom: What?
Me: Nothing.
Mom: Why did you say, "Oh my god"?
Me: I saw the meaning of life.
:lol
PS, the "meaning of life" thing is because I saw "Monty Python and the Meaning of Life." on the tv, and I was glad that my dad taped it, FYI. :p
-
Haylie survived in the sharptooth attack because she's...
FROM OUTER SPACE!!!!! :blink: :lol :lol :lol :lol
Read Always the Same Sun for details. Link is in my signature.
-
My family often has short yet amusing exhanges, and I figured I'd share two from last night:
Brother: Hey, Michael, when you go to Jasper tomorrow, would you please take my game back and get me a new one? I'll set it right here on the table for you.
Me: Thank you.
Brother: You're welcome. /Turns to leave
Me: Wait, didn't that just happen backwards?
Brother: Yeah, well, I was going to thank you, but when you did, I just went with the flow.
Me: Oh.
Father: Mike, where did I have the bandages last?
Me: If you would examine the words in your own sentence, you would realize that I have no idea, and that the only person who would know, is you.
Father: /Sigh
-
on the 21st my sister celebrated her birthday, but there were also standing my graduation cards i've received on a table, so someone of my sister's friends asked if those cards were for me, i said that she isn't popular enough for so many birthday cards! :lol
OK, that one was downright mean, 'chuckle' :DD
-
Mom: What are you doing in the kitchen so long?
Me: The same thing I do every night.
Mom: ?
Me: Trying to take over the world!
It just happened :lol
-
This just now happened. While I personally do not find it funny, I assume there are those who might. I just got a text message that said:
Our 2 are starving.
So I wrote a text back that said:
I am sorry to hear that you know of some who are starving, and I will keep the situation in my prayers, but so you'll know, you've got the wrong number.
Thinking that would be the end of it, I closed my phone, but another text message arrived:
Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry; will edit my contact info!
So to that, I texted:
No need to apologize. Wrong numbers happen all the time. Have a nice day, and I hope that those you mentioned get some food. God bless.
Again thinking that was the last I'd heard from this person, I closed my phone once more then heard a familiar alert, showing:
Thank you! Have a blessed day!
At that point, I wanted to say, "You're welcome, you too," but I thought that would be going too far so left it at that.
-
Had this little conversation last time I brought my Pleo (a robotic pet dinosaur) into school. Me and a few other guys were playing around with him. One guy started petting and tickling him.
Guy 1: This is so weird...I'm tickling a dinosaur.
(Another guys starts tickling the enormous guy standing next to him)
Guy 2: Me too.
Another little exchange that occurred when I brought him in. Once again, me and some other guys are petting him and playing with him.
Guy 1: Hey Mike, what would you do if I kicked it across the room right now?
Me: (In a scarily calm voice) Well, he'd probably be totalled, so I'd kill you several times, then make you pay to get him replaced.
-
Bulbagarden forum
Zekurom: You have to be to the be only person who can write a crack fic and then have it morph into a war story before you finish 20 chapters.
-
When I was volunteering for camp, I got stuck with the youngest group. Sure, they're cute, but it's a lot of work, believe me. Anyway, while we were making rice crispie squares or something, the kids, another leader and I were playing a game of "We're going on a picnic" and the point is you have to name something you want to "bring" but there's a trick to it. If you don't get it you can't "go". Anyway, the trick was that they had to "bring" something that started with the letter of their name. When it came to this one kid, George, (He's a real trouble maker, that one. The leader of our group had to talk to his mother!) thought of something to "bring". It was wrong, of course, but here's the little conversation he and the leader who was playing the game with us.
Leader: "You can't bring that, George. But you could bring a GIRAFFE because you're GEORGE."
George: "But I don't wanna."
Leader: "Come on, you can bring a Giraffe and then you can go."
George: "...Giraffe is Giraffe."
Me and the Leader: *Looks at each other with :blink: look on our faces*
Yeah! I don't get it either! Haa...the mind of six year olds.
-
I was out searching for World War Z by Max Brooks at a Books-A-Million store and this kid, maybe 16 or older, came up to me and started a strange conversation
Kid: "Can I kill you?"
Me: "Maybe later." (moves on)
Kid: "Later doesn't exactly work for me. I have important business to take care of."
Me: "Well, maybe after you take care of your 'important business.'"
Kid: "Hmm, I guess I'll try again tomorrow."
I didn't go back the next day. People are get stranger these days. :blink:
-
In the past week, the internet connection at my house went out a total of four days (last Thursday, then Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday), and all of them happened at around 9 p.m. I caught onto the predictability of this after the second time, so when it happened again on Monday, I walked up to my dad and said:
Guess what? It's 9 o'clock: internet's out.
You know a problem is predictable when you say something like that. :lol
-
While I was watching Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. (Yes, I AM planning to watch all of them and then go see the Deathly Hallows pt 2 in theatres)
Hagrid: "Albus Dumbledore, the greatest Wizard Hogwarts has ever seen."
Me: "Also the best name Hogwarts has ever seen."
Another one when I was watching the Sorcerer's Stone.
Dumbledore: "I'm afraid there are ways that Voldemort can come back."
Me: "Yeah, sequels!"
-
This happened when I watched the Silent Hill movie for the first time, my shock when finding out that the main character wasn't the same as in the game I shouted: "Hey! You're not Harry Mason!"
-
Playing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2:
Dumbldore's Brother: I am Dumbledore's brother
Me: Of course he has a brother >.>
My friend playing inFamous:
Friend: They should so do a zombie verison of this
Me: They already did and they called it Prototype
Me playing Mortal Kombat 9:
*Quan-Chi has just summoned his soul tornado*
Me: Now, I shall tap all my black mana to activate my Soul Tornado!
-
While I was watching Harry Potter (again...) and seeing just who was playing Cedric Digory or however you spell his name.
*Looks at screen.*
Me: "Oh my god it's Robert Pattinson! ...I never thought I would say that..."
-
Today happened to be a full moon, and I said the following at work to some of my coworkers after dealing with a serious psycho of a customer:
"I didn't know werewolves came out in broad daylight."
My coworkers' laughs made it even funnier :p.
-
My friend just said one of the funniest things I've heard today while he was playing Dead Island. His character relies on alcohol to get stronger (yes, no lie):
Friend: *loots alcohol* Yes! Alcohol! That'll save me!
-
^Speaking of alcohol :p...
The other day, a family member was looking at the LBT DVD that has eight and nine on it (the one with our favorite swimmer running around all goofy and happy like she had a pot of coffee :lol). The following took place:
Family member: "Are those a bunch of drunk dinosaurs in that picture? Which one is the crazy-looking green one?"
Me: "Ya know her name."
FM: "No I don't! Is it Petey?"
Me (:rolleyes): "No. It's Ducky."
FM (:DD): "Ducky! That's right! The one who never shuts up. And what's that she's got on her head? A *explicative*?"
Me (:anger): "Hey!"
FM (:blink:): "What did I say?"
Me (:rolleyes): "A'ight, spit it out. Were ya drinkin' before we met up?"
FM: "No, but I was wondering the same about those crazy-looking dinosaurs. Why's Ducky running around like a drunk dumbs***?"
Me (:slap): "Oh, so that's where my unattended Bloody Mary went. As for you, time to get your tail to bed before ya talk any more out of it."
*This particular family member has been feeling sick, and when they do they talk like they've been drinking :crazy.*
-
My friend: I just wasted all that money on a monitor with 1 billion colors that I can't even tell are there.
Me: Oh don't feel so bad, you only spent $1,300 on it.
My friend: Oh gee thanks!
:lol:
-
Well I've said some thing that are funny but not appropriate for this site.
-
This one came from one of my classes a few weeks ago. Our assignment was to design a block (3"x3"x1") for a marble to fall through from one corner to another. One of the requirements was to have three views of the block; the top, front, and right sides. However, many of the students (not me) put the left side on their paper instead of the right side. As the professor looked over our papers in front of us, he wrote down "Wrong!" each time he saw the left side instead of the right side. Eventually I said:
Yeah, you want people to give you the right view, not the wrong view.
It took a bit of explaining for anyone to understand the pun I was saying, but once everyone got it, we all got a big laugh out of it. :lol
-
Hehe nice one XD
And this is from my friend playing Spider-Man: Edge of Time:
Me: *sees Anti-Venom throw a pipe bomb* Where did he get that pipe bomb from!?
Friend: Uh, Duke Nukem?
-
Lol that is pretty funny.
-
One of my friends is 18, but he has the mind of a little boy. When he was asked if there were any 'Birds' he liked at his university (Birds is english slang for girls), he replied that he "Enjoys looking at the sparrows".
-
While I was in band with my friend. This guy who's a Percussionist (ya know, like drums and that stuff) takes a symbol and says
Dude: "Santa's gotta take this to his workshop to get it fixed." (He's talking about himself when he says Santa)
And then I'm like
Me: "Oh, you're Santa? You're a bit fatter than I remember."
That made my friends day. :lol
-
Just a little while ago when the family was putting up our Christmas tree, my big brother was putting my gift in it's stocking.
Brother: "We can't tell him what it is."
Me: "Is it that death ray I always wanted?"
My brother's 3 year old daughter: "Uh-huh!"
That just made me burst out laughing for some reason. :lol
-
In our last raid on WoW, (the new Dragon Soul raid) our protection paladin, Lapria, was commenting during our two minute break on ventrillo that she wished we could see what gear was transmogrified from. (Transmogrifying is making a piece of gear look like another one.) Our demonology warlock, Sinnersix, said that we can, and that it shows it right on top if she'd just look, and she went, "Oh." So I blurted out, "That's just like you, Lapria. Always looking at bottoms." She exclaimed, "Hey!" and the guys laughed and agreed. So she replied, "Yeah, well you guys found it so easily because boys are always looking at tops!" We all snickered and grew silent until our leader had us pull the boss.
-
I'm not lost, I'm just underestimating my location.
-
Two things my brother and I said to each other just today:
First, I was watching my brother trying to unroll a string of small Christmas lights, but he could only spin it two or three times before having to stop because the electric plug always came loose and start whipping around. I mention how much that reminds me of a scene from Mythbusters where they're unrolling a long rope and part of it kept whipping Adam on the shoulder, making him go, "Ow ow ow ow ow ow." As soon as I finish mentioning this, the electric plug whips around again, this time actually striking my brother on the shoulder and making him say, "Ow." I laugh at this and say, "Yeah, kinda like that, except it was repeated and not just once."
About two hours later, I look outside and see the package truck leaving the driveway, so I look outside the door to find two packages. I mention this to my brother and he says, "Come on, I just brought in those other two packages. What is this, Christmas?" Almost rhetorically, I say, "Uh, yes."
-
Trips of the tongue are very common in my family, and I'm particularly apt at stumbling over my own words. When this happens, I have a habit of pausing to frustratedly (and sometimes comedically) bemoan my lingual ineptitude before getting back to what I was just saying. A rather amusing instance of this occurred last week, while my youngest brother and I were chatting over Skype on the day he was to come home from college for winter break. Our dad had just backed the car out of the driveway to leave on some errand, which I hoped was to retrieve my brother from his dorm.
Me: "I’m going to call Dad on his cell phone and find out where he’s going. I’m hoping he went to pick up you…pick you up. (beat) I can’t do grammar no more!"
-
When my friend brought up some shot-glasses and I took mine and put it to my lips, this conversation then took place.
Me: "Ah, f***, this smells like chocolate."
*Squeezes it a bit harder, it breaks* (lol, that's what she said)
Me: "Ah, f***, it IS chocolate!"
I just found this really funny for some reason. :lol
-
This happened the other day at work, after the customer I was ringing up accidentally knocked over one of her bottles of wine and shattered it allover the floor.
Nearby customer: "Man, that's what you call alcohol abuse."
Me, customer, and surrounding others: :lol
-
This happened today, and I have to say, this just made my day.
We were in Home Ec. and our teacher asks us to introduce ourselves, some of our interests, and if we had any experience in sewing or cooking. Everything was going along smoothly, nothing out of the ordinary, but when it came to this one guy, after he stated his first interest, the whole class, even the teacher, burst out laughing.
Guy: Okay, so my name's ______, and some of my interests are women-"
You know, for a guy I hate so much, he makes really funny comebacks. :DD
-
Okay, this wasn't really "said", but you'll get the idea.
We were having a Bible trivia contest. The question was, what was the "poor man's drink". The answer was vinegar (we wrote on a tagboard). What my classmate wrote made everyone, including the teacher, laugh.
Vodka. :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol
I swear, the whole classroom was filled with laughter. I mean, that was in like, what, 50 A.D. Or something? how in the world would the answer be vodka? Now that was funny.
-
This happened today at work, as I picked up a bag of trail mix that had fallen off the nuts section.
Four year-old girl nearby: "Mommy, look! She's grabbing some nuts!"
I held my laughter in case the mother did not want her kid to know that was okay to say, but to hear it from a toddler was just hilarious :lol :spit.
-
Was at my friend's house earlier on today, he was playing the game Sudeki or whatever it was called, on the original Xbox. He had defeated the final boss, a cutscene happened, and in it, the player character defeated the boss in an explosion and in turn, cuts to the next part with puppets instead....
It caused me to say the following: "So, you managed to kill the final boss and the camera man", which caused him to laugh somewhat in regards to a rendered cutscene, to a more puppet style cutscene instead XD
-
A few weeks ago, while my family and I were coming home from my college graduation ceremony, we stopped at a rest area along the highway so I could use the bathroom. When I came out, I noticed my brother was taking a picture of an ATM with his cellphone, which I found rather odd until he pointed out why he did so. Written on a piece of paper taped to the front of the ATM was something like:
"Do not let unsupervised kids play with this ATM. This is not a toy."
:lol I wonder what could have happened to have prompted the owner to write this note.
I'm sure we're all familiar with fortune cookies by now. I've kept a few of those fortunes for their inspiring messages. The most recent one I got a few weeks ago, however, I've kept due to the humor of it:
"About time I got out of that cookie."
:lol :lol :lol Isn't that best fortune you've ever read?
-
A while ago, I bought a book called The Book of Deadly Animals, detailing a wide variety of animal species with the potential to harm humans. When my youngest brother saw me reading it, we had this exchange:
My brother: "What book did you get?"
Me: "It’s about the many creative ways in which animals kill people."
*Cue my brother cracking up.*
-
On my "This Day in History" day-by-day calender, I got a good laugh out of today's page. Basically, a judge on Oakland, California in 1884 set a speed record of settling thirteen cases in six minutes. An example of how this was possible, the page also quoted a transcript from one trial in 1895:
defendant: I didn't think I was drunk, your honor.
judge:Not drunk?
defendant: Not very drunk.
judge: How drunk?
defendant: WellóI could see the moon.
officer: It was raining hard Sunday night when I arrested that man.
judge: Six dollars or three days. Next.
I showed it to the rest of my family and they also found it funny. :lol:
-
My and friend were talking on Steam today, and somehow we got to role playing. Our topic was something utterly hilarious and I was like, "YOU SHOULD HEAR THE SOUNDS I'M MAKING. IT'S LIKE A WALRUS GIVING BIRTH TO A BLUE WHALE THAT'S HAVING A SCREAMING CONTEST WITH A T. REX." :lol
-
So, in July, we were returning from a camping trip that my youngest brother and I were on and my dad had run over a Styrofoam box on the highway. When he was describing what had happened, he ended in "Well, it was a Styrofoam box"
I quipped "Now it's just Styrofoam". I meant it very seriously
And my parents started cracking up and then I realized that my comment was pretty funny XD
-
Some recent funnies :smile:
One day at work, this past week, a coworker and I were talking about how the vodka supply had gotten cleaned out on New Year's Eve and now folks were cleaning out the rum as we were folding shirts to put on the shelves.
Me: "Man, they've gone through that rum pretty quickly."
Coworker: "I'll say."
Me: "I could use some of that about now. This day's been bizarre."
We then start laughing about what I said, and moments later my left ear goes into a huge fit of tinnitus, buzzing and ringing to the point where I can't hear. I then knock down a sign on accident.
Me: "Hey, I'm buzzin' over here. Gimme a break."
The look on my coworker's face was priceless :lol. Then I realized what I had implied :oops :spit. We both knew it was my ear ringing, but they kept on me the rest of the shift about rum ;).
And here's something I overheard a father say to his young son who was playing with a golf ball display:
Father: "Hey, don't play with those balls. You only play with your balls. If those balls aren't yours, don't play with them."
I know, sick innuendo :rolleyes:. I had to pretend nothing of that nature crossed my mind :lol.
-
And don't play with Little Timmy's balls either!
-
I was chatting with an RP friend on fanFiction. We got on the subject of names. I said my name was Ruth because of a legacy of Ruths in my family.
His reply: Huh, Ruth, I honestly didn't expect that - you don't hear that name too often, nowadays. BTW, I ate you the other day
... My reply: You ATE me??? O_o
His reply: Yeah, I had a Baby Ruth
My reaction.... :blink:
And here's something I overheard a father say to his young son who was playing with a golf ball display:
Father: "Hey, don't play with those balls. You only play with your balls. If those balls aren't yours, don't play with them."
I know, sick innuendo . I had to pretend nothing of that nature crossed my mind .
OMG, that is the funniest thing I've ever read *proceeds to ROFL with gusto*
-
A few days ago, I came up with what I considered to be an ideal memory aid for the layperson to use to remember the distinction between animal poison and venom.
Me: “If it’s a venomous animal, it bites you and you die. If it’s a poisonous animal, you bite it and you die.”
-
At work, a lot of people call me "Curly" now. (Like the three stooges, Larry, Curly, and Mo)
It all started when I started working in the toys department, and the Department Manager there started calling me that. She said something about never remembering my name, and just cal;ling me curly because of my very curly hair. Some people cracked jokes about who's mo and Larry, and I said they were, numbskulls!
Lots of other people started calling me curly after hearing her calling for Curly all the time.
So I'm curly at work, pretty much, the nicknames just kinda stuck with a lot of the associates there.
-
A few days ago, I came up with what I considered to be an ideal memory aid for the layperson to use to remember the distinction between animal poison and venom.
Me: “If it’s a venomous animal, it bites you and you die. If it’s a poisonous animal, you bite it and you die.”
That's a perfect way to describe the difference between venomous and poisonous :D
So, my brothers and I were watching Aladdin on our way to Waco and we riffed bits of it. Eventually we came to saying this:
"You're no different from any other prince!"
"Can other princes FLY!?"
-
Bump!
This isn't really something I heard, it's more of a joke, but I thought it was funny anyway.
What did the horse say when the Clydesdale came into his stable?
"Hmm, there's a draft in here."
-
A couple nights ago, my fam and I were having these really random discussion, but I believe the point pertained to life on earth and not from outer space.
Anyway, my younger sister speaks up and starts having this moment of verbosity. "I mean like, well, I dunno.Then she rolls out this little gem. "I mean, if every single living orgasm on earth--"
She mean to say organism, but yeah, orgasm.
Us: :lol
Her: What?
-
What I heard someone say in response to a guy picking a wedgie in public:
"Hey, are you going to the movies later? 'Cuz you're picking your seat awful early." :lol
And here's one I randomly came up with. Ever try to joke with someone who is ditzy and has no idea you're poking fun at them? My random blurt:
"Now I know how a screw feels about playing with a bag of hammers."
-
A few more random gems from my family: :lol
My sister: Ah, bacon. Glory in pig form.
–
My older younger brother: (*to me*) You are a very prestigious mongoose.
–
My older younger brother: When it’s raining buffaloes, you don’t want to go outside.
Me: (*chuckling*) Words of wisdom.
My older younger brother: In fact, you should probably go to a bomb shelter.
*cue me cracking up*
-
^ I had no idea mongooses could be prestigious :blink:
Awesomely random conversation me and one of my sisters had.
We were walking in an historical graveyard, and I noticed this really gnarly tree.
Me: OMG that is so cool. *notices another* Whoa, why is it the coollest trees always grow in graveyards?
My Sister (with a coy smile): Nutrients.
Conversation between me and a kindergartner I know.
*Regarding LBT XII*
Me *quoting along with movie*: Topsy, did YOU lay this egg?
Kindergartner *replying in sync*: So shush up and help me!
Gales of laughter form boths parties ensued...
-
One of the students in my class back in 6th grade, English.
Our teacher asked the following: "What do you do if you have a broken neck?"
student (missunderstanding the word 'neck'): "You can eat it!"
Now guess what she understood :lol EGG!
-
This one recently took place when, during one of my living history tours (yes, my job is to dress up and take folks back to the 20's and 30's ;), after I played a player Welte theatre organ as part of my tour:
Visitor: "So...that organ must be awfully expensive to maintain. How is it funded?"
Me: "Organ donations."
*Uneasy looks on visitors' faces make me realize what I had just implied :lol.*
Me: "Allow me to rephrase that. Monetary donations for the organ, that is." :p
-
I remember back in sixth grade around Halloween (so this would've been 2002), my classmates and I were doing some series of projects for the upcoming holiday. One of my classmates wanted to know if the phrase "trick or treat" should be spelled with hyphens, so she asked the teacher:
Is it spelled trick... dash... or... trash- *laughs*
That slip of the tongue caused everyone who heard it (including me) to immediately burst out laughing. :lol Needless to say, "trick or trash" became a running joke among many of us for Halloween that year.
-
This song by George Harrison...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_71w4UA2Oxo
...I used to think he was saying, "Look out, I might sit on you."
-
One time I walked up to a stranger, who was reading a magazine, and said, "What magazine are you looking at, Dad?"
Everyone, including the stranger, thought that was funny.