Is this better?

f-22 "raptor" ace · **on:** October 21, 2007, 10:06:39 PM

Meanwhile. “There they are,” said frank. “It’s about time you got here,” said chompers dad. “I have to agree,” said chompers mom. “As do I,” replied kid. “Well at least we got here, you have to give us credit for getting here,” said jean. “You’re right about that,” said frank. “Well I have a feeling Michael Vorelone will strike the great valley first,” said frank. “I have to agree with you on that,” replied kid. “It was one of the first to fall in the elkan war,” said jean. “Right,” replied charles. “We have to warn the inhabitants of the valley,” said smith. “Hold on we don’t know what his plan exactly is yet,” said joe. “He’s right,” replied one of the planteaters with them. “Be quiet,” Yelled frank. We’ll have to split up to determine where they’ll strike first. “You’re right about that,” replied chompers mom. Half of us will cover the north entrance to the valley the rest will cover the south entrance. Keep hidden everyone we don’t want the inhabitants of the valley freaking out. The flyer returns to frank. “Well how did it go,” asked frank. “Well he knows,” replied the flyer. Meanwhile. “So when are we gonna strike,” asked the raptor. “Soon my friend,” replied Igor Stavona. Get the troops ready we’re taking control now. “Yes sir,” replied the raptor. “It’s a good thing they won’t be fighting against us,” said the raptor. “I agree with you on that,” replied Michael Vorelone. “I need to take control now they already suspect me,” said Michael Vorelone. “You are right,” replied the raptor. They don’t understand me. Prepare everyone, we’re taking control now. “Yes I’ll do that sir,” replied the raptor. Meanwhile. We have to get back to the great valley right now! “I agree we have to. Michael might have control in the valley now. It’s possible. Let’s head back, if he is in control we have to take it back! Right! Let’s move! Meanwhile. So you’re telling us that Michael wants control over the valley, asked threehorn. “Yes sir that’s what we’re saying,” said Littlefoot. I knew that he was up to no good when I first laid my eye on him. Chapter 9. Do I need some more editing? I'l post some more edited chapters later.

Manny Cav · **Reply #1 on:** October 21, 2007, 10:13:57 PM

That... could use some better paragraph spacing. Could you make it so that it is easier to read?

f-22 "raptor" ace · **Reply #2 on:** October 21, 2007, 10:17:25 PM

Yep I'll do that. It a lot better that it was before.

Malte279 · **Reply #3 on:** October 22, 2007, 06:21:28 AM

If you want to improve your text I recommend to avoid incomplete sentences. "Meanwhile" is not a complete statement in itself. Meanwhile... what? where?
You are using "Meanwhile" like a sentence more than once.
Also there are too many repititions "said Frank", "said Chomper's mum", "said Jean". You do use different terms, (answered, replied, yelled) but most of the time you are using the same term several times in a row. You could also make it a lot more interesting if you gave some further description on how they say something or what else they do but saying or replying. Here are a few sentences which I modified slightly to show what I mean:

Quote

“It’s about time you got here,” said chompers dad impatiently. “I have to agree,” said chompers mom frowning at Jean and the others. “As do I,” replied kid nodding. “Well at least we got here," panted Jean slightly out of breath you have to give us credit for even making it here.”

f-22 "raptor" ace · **Reply #4 on:** October 22, 2007, 10:40:59 AM

Ok I'll do that tonight.

f-22 "raptor" ace · **Reply #5 on:** November 27, 2007, 12:47:28 AM

Just completed some major editing on chapter 9.

Chapter 9

Meanwhile… “There they are,” said frank. “It’s about time you got here,” complained chompers dad. “I have to agree,” nodded chompers mom. “As do I,” replied kid. “Well at least we got here, you have to give us credit for getting here,” panted Gene. “You’re right about that,” said frank. “Well I have a feeling Michael Vorelone will strike the great valley first,” said frank. “I have to agree with you on that,” replied kid. “It was one of the first to fall in the elkan war,” added jean. “Right,” agreed charles. “We have to warn the inhabitants of the valley,” said smith. “Hold on we don’t know what his plan exactly is yet,” said joe. “He’s right,” replied Andy. “Be quiet everyone just silence,” Yelled frank. We’ll have to split up to determine where they’ll strike first. “You’re right about that,” replied chompers mom. 'Half of us will cover the north entrance to the valley the rest will cover the south entrance,' ordered frank. 'Keep hidden everyone we don’t want the inhabitants of the valley freaking out,' added Pops. “Look,” said Gene "The messenger returns." “Well how did it go,” asked frank. “Well he knows,” replied Joey. Meanwhile... “So when are we gonna strike,” asked the raptor. “Soon my friend,” replied Igor Stavona. Get the troops ready we’re taking control now. “Yes sir,” replied the raptor. “It’s a good thing they won’t be fighting against us,” said the raptor. “I agree with you on that,” replied Michael Vorelone. “I need to take control now they already suspect me,” said Michael Vorelone. “You are right,” replied the raptor. “They don’t understand me, prepare everyone, we’re taking control now.” ëYes I’ll do that sir,” replied the raptor. Meanwhile… “We have to get back to the great valley right now,” shouted Gene “I agree we have to, Michael might have control in the valley now,’ argued kid. “It’s possible,’ nodded Pops. “Let’s head back, if he is in control we have to take it back,” shouted frank. Let’s move! Meanwhile… “So you’re telling us that Michael wants control over the valley,” asked M.R. threehorn. “Yes sir that’s what we’re saying,” said Littlefoot. “I knew that he was up to no good when I first laid my eye on him,” said Grandma.

Manny Cav · **Reply #6 on:** November 27, 2007, 09:59:35 AM

Well... isn't there a rule where you have to make new paragraphs for each new speaker when it changes? You just have one huge paragraph.

Kor · **Reply #7 on:** November 27, 2007, 10:08:59 AM

That is how it's done in most fiction. Each speaker gets a new paragraph. Though this board may have different rules, as may other cultures and languages.

Manny Cav · **Reply #8 on:** November 27, 2007, 10:12:04 AM

Why would the rules for proper paragraph writing differ from one board to another? :huh:

Kor · **Reply #9 on:** November 28, 2007, 12:40:00 AM

Some boards may have odd customs or something. Like only in High Elven, Klingon, Everything must be in code, or something else maybe.

f-22 "raptor" ace · **Reply #10 on:** November 29, 2007, 12:13:56 AM

Meanwhile… “So Gene I was just wondering if you need comfort since you just lost your mate 30 years ago today,’ said kid I don’t need comfort. Ok I won’t give you comfort, but if you change your mind tell me ok? I know you don’t have to tell me said Gene in a angry tone. Ok I get the message don’t get so angry. Sorry I didn’t mean to get so angry. It’s alright we all get angry sometimes. I know. Well let’s get to the spot where we agreed to meet the others. Right! As they are walking away they are talking to themselves. “So Jean would you agree that we’re getting too old for this?” pondered Joe. “I would have to agree with you on that.” nodded Gene. Back at the valley… “So Michael has been lying to us all of this time,” asked littlefoot. “Yep he has,’ answered cera “We’d better tell the grown ups about this,” commented littlefoot. “Yep that would be advisible,’ replied shorty. “Oh you aren’t going anywhere,” said rinkus. “Now,” yelled littlefoot. Ali and the others jump on top of rinkus knocking him out. “Well let’s tell the grown-ups,” said cera. “Well put,” replied littlefoot. As littlefoot and his friends run to tell the grown ups a raptor appears from the bushes. “Who are you,” asked rinkus, after he awoke. “You’re worst enemy,” responded the raptor slashing rinkus’s throat. The raptor runs off to Michael. “Well done,” said Michael Vorleone. “We need to carry out our plan earlier than expected,’ said Michael “I agree,” replied the raptor. Meanwhile many miles away… ëAh, good I’m here,’ the flyer thought to himself. “Well what’s the news,” asked N. “Michael Vorleone is still alive,” replied the flyer. “I’ll tell him immediately,” replied N. N walked off to a darkened area of the cave. “Sir are you in,” asked N. “Yes what is it,” replied a voice from the side of the room. “Michael Vorleone still alive sir,” said N. “Is the old gang back together,” asked the voice. “Yes it is,” nodded N. “Good that’ll be all,” replied the voice. “Right away sir,” nodded N. As N walked away, the voice talked to itself. “We’ll soon be rid of Michael Vorelone,” said the voice to himself. “At least I hope we can stop him,” he thought.

The edited chapter 8

Manny Cav · **Reply #11 on:** November 29, 2007, 12:20:45 AM

Okay, I think now would be a good time to ask where the rest of the chapters are. Are they here or on fanfiction.net?

f-22 "raptor" ace · **Reply #12 on:** November 29, 2007, 12:26:33 AM

I still need to edit most of them 3 or 4 unedited chapters on on fanfiction.net. I'll be editing the other chapters later.