Funniest Quotes You've Read

The Chronicler · **on:** August 01, 2008, 06:55:12 PM

After reading some quotes from the "Funniest Quotes You've Heard" topic, I decided to start this topic. Post written, printed, or typed quotes that you found funny.
Anyone willing to start off?

aabicus (LettuceBacon&Tomato) · **Reply #1 on:** August 01, 2008, 07:06:44 PM

I've probably gotten something wrong, but I'll try and type it as well as I remember. It's from Joseph Heller's Catch-22, and it takes place during a military trial:

Judge: Read me the last line!
Assistant: (reading) "Read me the last line."
Judge: Not my last line, you idiot! The last line that wasn't mine!
Assistant: (reading) "Read me the last line."
Judge: You fool! That was my line again!
Assistant: No, sir, that was my last line.

The Chronicler · **Reply #2 on:** August 01, 2008, 07:16:11 PM

Here's one I found hilarious from Bionicle: Legends #4: Legacy of Evil

Vezok frowned. "You heard the Shadowed One. You know what's supposed to be down there. If I go down alone, I'll end up a light snack. So who's going to help me?"
Avak looked at Reidak and said, "I'll flip you for it." When Reidak nodded in agreement, Avak lunged forward, grabbed him, and flipped him over the side of the boat and into the water. "Looks like I win."
Reidak's response was a string of curses that could have seared the scales off a stone serpent.

The Chronicler · **Reply #3 on:** August 18, 2008, 05:55:46 PM

Here's a few more the the same book I mentioned earlier:

"Let's throw him over the side," said Vezok, grinning.
[Hakann]"Right. And the second any Toa looks out and sees the sentry missing, alarms go off all over. Honestly, Vezok, I have heard of someone having water in their ears, but never between them."
___

"See anything?" asked Reidak.
"Darkness. Water. My life passing by," Thok answered.
___

It soon became obvious that they were not just digging through random rock, but rather the shattered pieces of a huge stone door. "I don't even want to know who lifted this and then let it drop," said Avak.
"Oh, this probably wasn't that heavy," scoffed Reidak. "Wouldn't be to me, anyway."
Irritated, Thok walked over and dropped the piece of rubble he was carrying on Reidak's head. The block of stone split in two even as Reidak let out a yell of pain.
"Sorry," said Thok, smiling. "I didn't think it would be that heavy."

jedi472 · **Reply #4 on:** August 18, 2008, 10:41:59 PM

From Wayne's World (1992)

Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

Garth Algar: Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?

Wayne Campbell: Well, that's all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that bullied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter.
Garth Algar: I just hoped you didn't think it sucked.

Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne?
Wayne Campbell: Yeah?
Garth Algar: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us?
Wayne Campbell: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

jedi472 · **Reply #5 on:** August 20, 2008, 10:27:34 PM

Hey! sorry about that last post! Wrong "Funniest Quotes" thread!

Shinji-Lee · **Reply #6 on:** August 31, 2008, 10:10:58 AM

this one is from a Jackie Chan movie.
the situation:
outdoor exercises for marine inductees. in some distance two kind of pretty women walk across. one inductee whispers to the one next to him:
inductee: hey, look at those girls! i wouldn't kick them out of my bed.

the instructor hears him whispering and yells at him:

What are you whispering?!
Inductee (also yelling): I said look at those girls! I wouldn't kick them out of my bed!
Instructor: The punishment for you whispering is running 100 miles! and wile doing that you will say "Look at those girls! I wouldn't kick them out of my bed!" 1000 times!

the inductee runs off saying, what he was told to say.
another inductee laughs. the instructor steps in front of him:
(yelling): What did you just do?
inductee: i laughed
instructor: do you know what that means?
inductee: i guess i have to laugh loud 1000 times now.

i got a laughing flash after that scene and I hope I got it across, because I watched the movie in german and this Is a try to translate it.

another is what i read in someones signature somewhere:
Big Bang Theory:
First there was nothing...which exploded!

The Chronicler · **Reply #7 on:** September 06, 2008, 04:50:33 PM

Here's a few from the Bionicle comic, 'Vengeance of Axonn':

Reidak: "Find him[Vezon]," he[Zaktan] says! Where are we supposed to look?
Thok: Reidak, there is a new pastime called "thinking" - you really should try it.

Thok: Now we track him[Vezon] right to where he's hiding. Follow, Reidak, and try not to break anything.
Reidak: How about if I just break you?

(after Thok and Reidak almost fall into a large crevice)
Thok: We don't need any Toa here to fight us - this island is already doing a good job of it!
Reidak: What did I say? "Smash the island into rubble," I said.
(Axxon appears and pulls them out of the crevice)
Axxon: You'll smash... nothing. This island holds nothing for you but pain and despair. I have known your kind before, Piraka. For more than 100 centuries, I have looked into the face of evil again and again. It sickens me. You sicked me! (he then slams their heads together and tosses them to the ground)

Axxon: Six Piraka together are a dangerous threat... but two are just exercise.
Reidak(lifting a large boulder): You're about to be out of shape, stranger - as in flattened!
Axxon: You have five seconds to put that down and end this battle in one piece, Piraka. One... two... five! (he throws his axe, which shatters the boulder)

Drake · **Reply #8 on:** September 07, 2008, 10:38:01 PM

Venom: He's going to die. Oh, happy, happy, happy. (During one of his many battles with Spider-man.)

The next bit comes from a chapter of Animorphs.

Quote

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" Cassie screamed.
"Look out! Lookoutlookoutlookoutlookout!" Jake yelled.
"Would you both shut up?" I demanded. "I'm trying to drive here!"
"Car! Car! Car!" Jake yelled.
I yanked the wheel left. The car sped by, horn blaring. THe driver stuck his hand out the window and made a sign with his fingers.
"That's rude," I said. "And totally uncalled for."
BAM!
"Aaaaaaaaaahhhh!"
"Oh, it's just a trash can," I said. "Chill out."
BAM! BAM! BAM!
"OKay, so it's four trash cans," I said.
Get off the sidewalk, you lunatic!" Jake said.
I yanked the whell to the right. We bumped off the sidewalk, sort of grazed a parked car, and...
BAM! BAM! BAM!
"Do you hate trash cans?" Jake asked. "Is that your problem? Do you just HATE TRASH CANS?!!"

There's more that I could include to that, but I think that's enough for the moment.

The Chronicler · **Reply #9 on:** October 18, 2008, 10:20:01 PM

Here's one form a recent Bionicle comic:

Antroz: And how is being slow and stupid working out for you? Now my hobby is quite unique - I collect broken Toa.

aabicus (LettuceBacon&Tomato) · **Reply #10 on:** October 19, 2008, 03:14:07 AM

Quote from: Drake,Sep 7 2008 on 09:38 PM

The next bit comes from a chapter of Animorphs.

Oh, I used to love Animorphs. K.A. Applegate could write so well. The ending of the series bummed me out, though, so I didn't read anything else by her.

Spartanguy88 · **Reply #11 on:** April 26, 2009, 02:23:44 PM

ROOSTER TEETH COMICS: "SURVIVE THIS"
(Based on Left 4 Dead's Survivial Mode)

Francis: I hate lighthouses.

*The surviviors have finished gathering and setting up traps*

Zoey: I think that about does it.

Louis: Phew.

Bill: The only thing left to do is turn on the generator and alert the horde.

Francis: Right.

Bill: Then the timer starts and we see how long we can survive.

Louis: ...We don't seem to be turning it on.

Bill: Yeah, I noticed that too.

"SURVIVE THIS 2"

Bill: How's progress?

Francis: Supplies are organized and I took inventory.

Bill: Alright then, I guess it's time we summoned...

Francis: Would you like me to make a spreadsheet?

Bill: Of our supplies.

Francis: Spreadsheets are good.

Zoey: Ooh, can I get a copy of that?

Louis: Me too.

Francis: This could take a while.

Seriously, if you're trying to survive the zombie apocolypse, why would you even bother alerting the horde to begin with?!

Serris · **Reply #12 on:** March 01, 2010, 04:38:04 PM

This is one of the few genuinely funny lines from Twilight Valley:

Strut: *After kicking Ozzie in the groin* I hope you don't need that.

---------

This is is from my Darwin's Soldiers story Fool's Gold:

Dr. Kerzach: *After disabling his assailant with by spraying lubricant in his face* Wear your goggles.

Caustizer · **Reply #13 on:** March 01, 2010, 09:09:02 PM

One from Far Away Home:

“Hey Thudd, your tail is a tree,” said Ruby in sharptooth. Thudd looked at her in confusion, and Ruby realized she must have messed up her sharptooth again.

“Chomper, can you tell him I’m sorry about his nose,” asked Ruby. Chomper obeyed.

“Ruby says she’s sorry about your nose,” Chomper said to Thudd.

The fast-biter turned to Ruby and uttered a string of growls and snarls that she barely understood. With a snort Thudd turned away.

“I think I must be having trouble hearing sharptooth too,” uttered Ruby, “because it sounded to me like he said ëI want to rip out your limbs’.”

Chomper frowned.

“No, I think he meant it.”

MrDrake · **Reply #14 on:** March 01, 2010, 09:57:54 PM

This was from something I saw online, but apparantly from a Batman comic stirp:

Robin: But Batman, last night you wore the green costume and tonight you're wearing the red! Why?

Batman: I must Robin! I must wear a different-coloured costume each night!

And what's more, the red costume looks pink XD
And what's more, the red costume looks pink XD

Spartanguy88 · **Reply #15 on:** August 04, 2010, 11:49:59 AM

Scott Pilgrim Volume 2
*In the principle's office*
Lisa Miller: What are you in for?

Scott Pilgrim: I got in a fight. An awesome fight.

Justin1993 · **Reply #16 on:** September 29, 2011, 01:20:23 PM

I was reading a review on Amazon on the review said this:
"Logitech fails to mention (intentionally?) or show on the box the long cord that you have to attach to your PC via USB port, to connect to it the wireless receiver.

All they show you is a picture of a mouse and a keyboard, but not a trace of the fat receiver that you have to plug into your PC. They do mention usb connectivity, suggesting it may be the size of a flash drive.

I have also noticed that Logitech does the same for many of its wireless products, by purposely downplaying the existence of a receiver."

One of the replies to the review said this:
"Sorry they don't connect by magic."

Spartanguy88 · **Reply #17 on:** October 11, 2011, 07:25:42 PM

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The Universe
*Scott Pilgrim, Kim Pine, and Stephen Stills are having a band meeting*

Kim: You want to have band practice?

Stephen: We're a band, aren't we?

Scott: Oh my God, I'm hallucinating.

Kim: We were hallucinating when we started a band in the first place.

Stephen: Settle down. We have a show, okay? There, I said it.

Scott: Guys, I think I'm hallucinating...

Stephen: It's at Sneaky Dee's and it's on Sunday. Big deal.

Kim: THIS Sunday?

Stephen: I had nothing to do with it, alright? I think Julie set us up in a petty act of revenge.

Kim: What did you DO to that girl?

Stephen: We broke up.

Scott: For like the fiftieth time!

Kim: Can we be a band for a minute? Like, play a song, maybe?

Scott: Hell yeah! Let's play "Kim's Song"!

Kim: It isn't my song. Learn the freakin' titles already.

Scott: But... you came up with the beat for it.

Stephen: Just count us in before the moment passes!

Kim: LIVE FROM MY BEDROOM, WE ARE *Gasp* SEX BOB-OMB!! ONE! TWO! ONE TWO THREE FOUR!!!

TWO AND HALF SUCK-ASS MINUTES LATER

Kim: Okay... we're doomed.

Belmont2500 · **Reply #18 on:** November 27, 2011, 10:36:39 AM

Here's a bit from The Midnight Fox

Dear Tom

There is nothing much happening here. I went to the playground Saturday after you left, and you know that steep bank by the swings? Well, I fell all the way down that. Here's the story-

BOY FALLS DOWN BANK WHILE GIRL ONLOOKERS CHEER

LBTLover1 · **Reply #19 on:** December 30, 2011, 08:04:01 PM

Stewie: That doesn't matter B to the rian. All that matters is if the lepricons beat the seals.

Brian: that doesn't even make any sense

Stewie: Doesn't have to when you look like this...ooooooooooh