The Last Untime

[Amaranthine]

Introduction

Many years ago, before us, our human ancestors, the mammoth, and the saber-toothed tiger came upon the Earth, a very unusual and mighty species ruled the Earth. These beasts were known as the dinosaurs. These beautiful, powerful, yet susceptible creatures would rule the world for millions of years until a misfortune would come to exterminate them all, one by one.
 
There are a few theories of how these prehistoric creatures became extinct, such as a comet, the Earth over heating, the Earth coming in a deep freeze, or simply gradual change in the continents shifting. However there is another possibility that dinosaurs weren’t destroyed by something outside of themselves, but they were destroyed by something among themselves.

While studies have shown that dinosaurs are indeed a primitive species and it would more then impossible for this to be likely, this story whether fact or fiction will let you decide for yourself.

[Ptyra]

I have a feeling this is going to turn out unpleasantly O_O .

[Amaranthine]

Chapter I
PART I


A proclamation of inclination is worth the information. To say that we need to be ignorant of our situation is not worth the harm and devastation. We only have this moment of beauty and creation. My friends, we are here to live, to die, but most importantly, acclimation.


If there was a time where anyone could not consciously remember, yet never forget, it was the time of the dinosaurs. Or to be more direct, the cretaceous period, Mesozoic era, where dinosaurs would have their last breath of life on the precious Earth. In the earlier days, dinosaurs would usually stay within their own kind, within their own groups, and with their special codes and rules. However the dinosaurs heard of a valley. A beautiful gem to behold, the valley was a lush, green, habitat, where families could raise their young safely, without the worry of predators coming near. All dinosaurs of all species traveled from their original homes, periled through treacherous obstacles, over come their prejudices of one another, and found the valley that they decided to call, “The Great Valley”.

In a field of the far right of the valley, there was a rose colored, young three horn chasing after a small, four legged flyer, which had sky colored wings. It delicately flew about in the mesh of emerald green and landed on a leaf.

I’m not going to miss this time!

The young three horn encouraged herself as she crept towards the little flyer carefully in the strands of green. Ever so slowly the little three horn came toward it. She dug the ground with her paw and snorted, which made the fragile creature flutter away from the leaf to a rock. The rosy-colored three horn groaned and growled in frustration. However, she remembered a saying her mother told her before.

“Tricia,” as she was named, “things don’t happen in that instant. Be patient.”

After thinking over her mother’s words, Tricia made a rather youthful facial expression of determination, with her tongue to the side and she lowered herself to the ground. The little flyer rested daintily on the rock, as if it was teasing Tricia, tempting her to strike.

Tricia then made a roar and charged at the rock, only to have the blue winged flyer fly away and Tricia smashing her head against the rock and making an “Umph!” noise.

“Tricia! There you are!” A familiar voice yelled at the tree-sweet colored three horn.

Wildly spinning around to the source of the voice, Tricia stared at an older, golden-colored three horn with piercing emerald eyes. Unlike Tricia, who was dark pink with a small, triangular horn on her snout, this golden beauty had a sharp, long and lean horn on her snout, and just right above the golden three horn’s dark green eyes were the buds of two horns growing out. Once fully grown, she would have her full set of horns and be one of the most dangerous creatures in the valley. While this yellow dino was not a full adult yet, she was still as dangerous as ever. The three horn scolded Tricia loudly.

“I thought I told you to stay with the other three horns! You know how dad gets when you run off like this! And he’ll kill me if he knew I let you out this far!”

Bending low, becoming timid from the older Three Horn’s yelling, she tried to muster up the words to come out of her and get through to the yellow three horn.

“But-but Cera, I was just playing, and it wasn’t dangerous. I was just chasing those little blue winged flyers here. I never went near the bubbling goo, the sinking sands, or tried to climb on anything too high!”

[Serris]

However there is another possibility that dinosaurs weren’t destroyed by something outside of themselves, but they were destroyed by something among themselves.

While studies have shown that dinosaurs are indeed a primitive species and it would more then impossible for this to be likely, this story whether fact or fiction will let you decide for yourself.

I have a feeling that things are going to be taking a meteoric plunge very, very soon.

On a side note, is this set in the "current" LBT or in the future when the Gang of Five are a few years older?

Some critique:

"Three Horn" is inconsistently capitalized. Stick with one capitalization.

"cretaceous period" and "Mesozoic era" should be rendered  as"Cretaceous Period" and "Mesozoic Era"

I do like the beginning, it is very calm and peaceful, which will be a nice counterpoint when things get worse.

[SouthPawRacer]

Hey, I'm liking this already. Sounds very ominous... I'm looking forward to more.

[Amaranthine]

Cera, as the golden colored Three Horn was called, snorted impatiently and responded harshly, “Tell it to dad, not me.” She then pointed her snout to the direction where her home resided.

Tricia rolled her eyes and muttered, “I think you meant to yell at dad, not me…”

Cera did not seem to hear her sister, however, she peered over the grass and found a dark gray older Three Horn looking about in the meadow. It was her father.

The green eyed Three Horn quickly kneeled down and curious by her older sister’s actions, Tricia asked, “What did you see Cera?”

With the gracefulness of a dead tree falling onto the barren Earth, Cera rams into Tricia to have her hide. Then she shushes her and whispers, “It’s dad, just keep quiet until he goes!”

Quickly nodding, Tricia stays low and worries about the ruckus Cera’s thudding might have made. If it was too loud, Tops would know exactly where they were. Tricia’s fears seemed to have become a reality, for both young Three Horns heard footsteps pounding against the Earth and heading their direction.

“Tricia, Cera, why are you hiding?” A feminine voice asked worriedly behind them.

Both Three Horns were surprised to find a light pink Three Horn with white circles around her eyes staring at them. The three horn’s blue eyes shined like the shining stones under the light of the night circle.

“Oh, hi mom.” Tricia replied softly. Cera responded with a sheepish grin, “Tria, um…what are you doing here?”

Tria was about to open her mouth to respond, when a low, growling voice called out to her.

“Tria, did you find them? Are they there?!”

Tria snorted in frustration and called back abruptly, “Topsy, just give me a minute!”
Topsy’s voice called back, “What! Why?” He demanded as he came closer to the Three Horns.

Tria hastily told her children, “Go! Your father and I need to talk about a few things!”

Tricia immediately did as her mother said, but Cera was hesitant, for she wondered if she should stay to make sure Tria would be okay. Cera started to open her mouth to protest, but Tria would not hear any of it from her. So Cera slowly walked away to follow her younger sister. She also kept herself low to the ground so her father could not easily see her.

Once Topsy came up to Tria, he saw in the corner of his eye, Cera’s tail twitching away through the grass. Topsy brashly moved to Cera’s way and yelled, “You get back here you-“ Tria interrupted him by physically getting in his way.

“Tops! I need to speak with you right now. You can speak to our daughters later.” The pink Three Horn responded sternly to her mate. Mr. Three Horn narrowed his eyes and responded; “I think I have more then any right to see my daughters, now if you excuse me Tria.” He shoved her away, but Tria persisted in being in his way. She shook her head and came right into his face.

“I need to talk to you! It is important for you listen!”

Mr. Three Horn kept trying to pass his mate, but being as stubborn as he was, she refused to budge.

“Topsy you better listen to me! This is a matter of you and your daughters! If you don’t talk to me now, I will make certain that you do not go near my girls!” Her icy blue eyes narrowed at Tops dark brown ones.

The male stopped in his tracks, for he realized how important this was. He sighed and let himself lie down on his stomach and waited for Tria to start talking.

“Tria, you have my attention.” He stated matter of factly.

With all the courage and coolness she could muster, Tria looked at her mate and inhaled. She exhaled while starting, “Topsy, I remember the day we met, I was so happy to see a long lost friend never the less be a mate to and have a daughter with! But now…I can’t help but wonder that something has changed…something has made me think differently then I did before.”

Mr. Three Horn suddenly became wide eyed and exclaimed, “Tria, if you are doing what I think you are doing, I think you absolutely have become thick in the head!”

Exasperated, Tria explained, “See Topsy, this is what I am talking about. Whenever we try to discuss something, you automatically go in the defense and put me down. Topsy, I want this to work out, I really do. But it seems that we have grown separate ways and now I wonder if we really should go our separate ways.”

“You are mad.” The dark Three Horn responded who was strangely sounding cool. Too cool to be taken seriously that he was taking any of this well.

“You can’t fool me Three Horn! You love your daughters…and me. However, I gave you too many chances already. I am done. Good bye.”

Mr. Three Horn’s nostrils flared and his cool mask was ripped apart by the rage and disbelief he had within. He screamed a deadly, heart wrentching cry that was both terrifying and tragic. With this, he rammed into his mate, which knocked her to the ground. Tria shook her head and slowly got herself up. Her eyes widened. She suddenly realized what she had done. Now she was going pay the consequences.

[Cancerian Tiger]

Okay, what the hell is goin' on here :blink:?  Good story so far, but we have no explanation as to why Mr. Threehorn's bein' a total jacka**.  I know it's just a story, but I feel like I could jump in there 'n whoop his tail into the next galaxy for hitting somebody weaker than him !

BTW, I hate domestic violence <_<.

[DarkHououmon]

Post removed

[Pangaea]

I am SO sorry it took me so long to get around to this. Absentmindedness, family outings, faulty Internet connections, whacked-out sleep schedules, and my self-hatred-inducing habit of procrastination have all contributed to the delay. I’m really not feeling well at the moment (and whatever part of my brain is in charge of language and writing is nearly as mucked up as the Gulf of Mexico right now), but I wanted to at least show you that I have not broken my promise to review this story. I will cover the introduction for now, and the two parts of the first chapter later when I am (hopefully) feeling clearer-headed and in less physical discomfort.

Introduction:

Many years ago, before us, our human ancestors, the mammoth, and the saber-toothed tiger came upon the Earth, a very unusual and mighty species ruled the Earth.

This is a scientific technicality, so it may not matter to the story, but the dinosaurs were not a single species, but a superorder of over a thousand (and that’s not even counting birds or undiscovered species). If you wanted to change it, you could try a more informal wording, such as “breed”, “breed of creature”, or even “race”.

These beautiful, powerful, yet susceptible creatures would rule the world for millions of years until a misfortune would come to exterminate them all, one by one.

I’d suggest just deleting the highlighted bit. It’s not really needed to describe the dinosaurs’ extinction, and for that matter the species that went extinct at the end of the Cretaceous did so almost simultaneously, in geological terms (Basically, the thing that makes their extinction so notable is that they DIDN’T go extinct one at a time).

For the next paragraph, I originally tried to point out and describe what I thought you should change about this paragraph, but I decided it would be less confusing if I simply used the “before and after” method, showing you the original paragraph in which the areas in need of change are indicated, and then what the paragraph would look like with the revisions. Red highlighting marks text that should be changed, blue highlighting marks txt that should be deleted, and a red asterisk (*) shows where a word or punctuation mark should be inserted.

There are a few theories of how these prehistoric creatures became extinct, such as a comet, the Earth over heating, the Earth coming in a deep freeze, or simply gradual change in the continents shifting. However* there is another possibility* that the dinosaurs weren’t destroyed by something outside of themselves, but they were destroyed by something among themselves.

There are a few theories of how these prehistoric creatures became extinct, such as a comet, the Earth overheating, the Earth coming into a deep freeze, or simply gradual change in the continents shifting. However, there is another possibility: that the dinosaurs were destroyed by something among themselves.

Admittedly, the part that I suggested you delete was one that I kind of liked, but it’s really pretty redundant, and I could not think of an alternative way to word it.

While studies have shown that dinosaurs are indeed a primitive species and it would more then impossible for this to be likely, this story* whether fact or fiction* will let you decide for yourself.

Change “are” to “were” and replace “more then” with “be” (“more than impossible” is a redundancy). Also, if you wanted to be accurate with the use of “species”, you could change “a primitive species” to “primitive creatures”. Finally, this is just a thought, but I think that “science (claims/asserts/contends)” would sound better than “studies have shown”.
*Insert comma.

I have to say, reading the introduction discouraged me from reviewing (or even reading) the story originally. Not that the introduction itself is bad, but it gives me the unshakable feeling that this is going to be a depressing story that will end in tragedy. :unsure: It is very well written, though, if awfully dark for a LBT prologue.

[Pangaea]

As promised, my review for Chapter 1 (though I only have time to review the first part right now):

If there was a time where anyone could not consciously remember, yet never forget, it was the time of the dinosaurs. Or to be more direct, the cretaceous period, Mesozoic era, where dinosaurs would have their last breath of life on the precious Earth. In the earlier days, dinosaurs would usually stay within their own kind, within their own groups, and with their special codes and rules. However the dinosaurs heard of a valley. A beautiful gem to behold, the valley was a lush, green, habitat, where families could raise their young safely, without the worry of predators coming near. All dinosaurs of all species traveled from their original homes, periled through treacherous obstacles, over come their prejudices of one another, and found the valley that they decided to call, “The Great Valley”.

Note the two highlighted commas that should be removed.

If there was a time when anyone could not consciously remember, yet never forget, it was the time of the dinosaurs. Or to be more specific, the cretaceous period, when dinosaurs would have their last breath of life on the precious Earth. In the earlier days, dinosaurs would usually keep to their own kind, within their own groups, and to their special codes and rules. However the dinosaurs heard of a valley. A beautiful gem to behold, the valley was a lush, green habitat, where families could raise their young safely, without the worry of predators coming near. Dinosaurs of all species traveled from their original homes, prevailed over treacherous obstacles, overcame their prejudices of one another, and found the valley that they decided to call, “The Great Valley”.

I wasn’t sure what you were thinking of when you wrote “periled through” (an incorrect use of the word “peril”); the alternative I suggested could just as easily be “faced” or “braved”.

By the way, Serris is correct that “Cretaceous” and “Mesozoic” should be capitalized (though I don’t think you need to mention the Mesozoic here), but “period” and “era” do NOT need to be capitalized.

In a field of the far right of the valley, there was a rose colored, young three horn chasing after a small, four legged flyer, which had sky colored wings. It delicately flew about in the mesh of emerald green and landed on a leaf.

I think this would sound better if you changed it to “young, rose colored”. If you choose not to do this, then the comma should be deleted. (Maybe there should also be a hyphen in “rose colored”; no offense, but you’re kind of inconsistent with your use of hyphens in this story.)

By the way, is the small blue flyer described here intended to be a butterfly? If so, then you might want to come up with an alternative name for it (I thought of the term “flutterer”, but it’s a bit awkward to say. Maybe “flowerwing”? “Flower flyer”?), or at least be more descriptive of it so that readers know what it is (The use of the term “flyer” is likely to cause many to automatically think of a pterosaur).

However, she remembered a saying her mother * told her before.

*Insert “had”.

“things don’t happen in that instant. Be patient.”

I may not be correctly interpreting what this saying means, but shouldn’t this be “an”?

After thinking over her mother’s words, Tricia made a rather youthful facial expression of determination, with her tongue to the side and she lowered herself to the ground.

I would suggest adding a little to this sentence.

After thinking over her mother’s words, Tricia made a rather youthful facial expression of determination, with her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth, as she lowered herself to the ground.

The little flyer rested daintily on the rock, as if it was teasing Tricia, tempting her to strike.

It’s possible that this word should be “were”, but I don’t understand the dichotomy of “was” and “were” enough to be certain.

Tricia then made a roar and charged at the rock, only to have the blue winged flyer fly away and Tricia smashing her head against the rock and making an “Umph!” noise.

You might want to break up this sentence, like so:

Tricia then made a roar and charged at the rock, only to have the blue winged flyer fly away. Tricia smashed her head against the rock and made an “Umph!” noise.

Alternatively, you could say:

Tricia then made a roar and charged at the rock, only to have the blue winged flyer fly away. Tricia ended up smashing her head against the rock, making an “Umph!” noise.

Unlike Tricia, who was dark pink with a small, triangular horn on her snout, this golden beauty had a sharp, long and lean horn on her snout, and just right above the golden three horn’s dark green eyes were the buds of two horns growing out. Once fully grown, she would have her full set of horns and be one of the most dangerous creatures in the valley.

You have already described both Tricia and Cera’s colors, so the two highlighted areas relating to color are superfluous. “Right” is not needed because you already have “just”, and you use the words “on her snout” twice in the same sentence.

While this yellow dino was not a full adult yet, she was still as dangerous as ever.

You’d definitely want to either remove or reward this sentence. You have already established that Cera is not an adult, and to describe her as “as dangerous as ever”, would imply that she was previously an adult.

Bending low, becoming timid from the older Three Horn’s yelling, she tried to muster up the words to come out of her and get through to the yellow three horn.

You might want to reword the second half of this sentence a little (though I’m not sure how), but I would just delete the highlighted part, as it is completely unnecessary.

I did like this installment; the scene with Tricia chasing the butterfly was cute (It reminded me of Cera’s beetle chase in the first LBT, as well as Kiara chasing the butterfly in the second Lion King, and the juvenile Parasaurolophus following the flying lizard at the beginning of Dinosaur). I also thought it made for an interesting choice of words to describe Tricia as being “tree sweet colored” (Presumably you’re referring to the LBT XI tree sweets). One thing that confuses me is the quote at the beginning. What is its significance?

If my style of reviewing is not helpful, or if it is bothering you, please do not hesitate to let me know at any time.

[DarkHououmon]

I have looked at your journal recently, Rat_Lady, and I admit I am feeling discouraged from making anymore critiques in this topic.

[Cancerian Tiger]

Okay, so I just read your DA journal to see what Pangaea and DarkHououmon are talkin' about, and now I'm not so sure it's a good idea to post my thoughts on this.  The last thing I want to do is cause any hurt feelings, so if the following is hurtful to read, I apologize already.

I saw somethin' of a contradiction in your latest journal entry.  On one hand, you're wanting reviewers to be forward and not "sugar coat things", but on the other hand, you're sayin' that you'll have a breakdown if anybody provides any criticism :huh:.  So, I'm just gonna put myself out there and say what I have to say, and how others interpret my words is beyond my control.

First of all, your writing does not suck in the least bit.  I think you've got a lot of potential to be a good writer, as seeing that your grammar is WAY better than much of what I've seen on Fanfiction.net .  To be a better write, though, you've gotta be willing to receive constructive criticism.  I know it's not easy, for I used to view all criticism as evil, but constructive criticism actually makes a big difference in helping a beginner grow into an expert.  So far, I have yet to see anything posted in this thread that is cause for gettin' upset over.  There's no bashing or flames, but simply constructive criticism .

Secondly, I felt quite disturbed about that scene of domestic violence near the end of the latest chapter.  The very subject upsets me, to say the least.  I know I should not jump to conclusions before I've read an entire story, but I have this terrible feelin' that, in your fanfic, Mr. Threehorn is going to hurt his children.  Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's just the vibe I'm receiving.  Reading such scenes will turn me into a ragin' idiot, for I hate domestic violence with a passion and I have my reasons for it.  However, this is your story, so don't let my feelings alter your final judgment of what happens next.  Domestic violence is not my cup of tea, though .

Lastly, as much as I hate to say it, I'm starting to feel depressed about the direction of this story.  So, my understanding is that your fanfic is about the possibility that dinosaurs were responsible for their own extinction much like the way humans will be responsible for theirs if they don't straighten up :unsure:?  I get too depressed just hearing 'bout what the human race is doin' to itself.  Since this is the case, though I'll hang in there as long as I can, I'm not sure I'll be able to handle the rest of this fanfic.  It's your call though, since you're the author.

That's all I have to say for now, and I apologize if I caused any hurt feelings .

[Amaranthine]

I just want to post a note here so it can just be out in the open so everyone can read.

When you critique my work, say what you like about it and what you don't like about it, like what CT did. I'm not really looking to "improve" grammar, spelling or anything because whatever I write in the fiction is final.

Don't give me flat out "I don't what you did in this part" or "I hate this". If you can't say what you like or don't like about it, please don't post it here.

I apologize if I sounded mean or anything, and scared you guys, I realize I have a problem and I can get very angry to the point of lashing out at others. But if you want to help me with my work, help me by saying what you liked about it and what you didn't like about it.

[DarkHououmon]

And what about people like myself who have a harder time explaining what I liked but an easier time explaining what felt off to me? Does that mean that, if I wanted to post another critique in the future, I would not be allowed to?

EDIT: I removed my first post.

[Amaranthine]

^Think your thoughts out about it on paper, be patient with yourself to find what you like about it and don't like about it.

[DarkHououmon]

And what if I still don't know what to say about what I liked?

[brekclub85]

I looked at your journal page too Ratlady, and even though I've only skimmed through the story, meaning I can't give you an opinion, don't be surprised if other people feel discouraged from critiquing your story.

I took a creative writing class last year, so I've learned about how to take criticism,  and if what you said on your journal is true, that's a very poor way to respond to criticism, downright childish IMO.

I'm not trying to be mean, but that's what it feels like for me.

[Amaranthine]

Just wait. I can't take that, I'm sorry.

[Amaranthine]

I looked at your journal page too Ratlady, and even though I've only skimmed through the story, meaning I can't give you an opinion, don't be surprised if other people feel discouraged from critiquing your story.

I took a creative writing class last year, so I've learned about how to take criticism,  and if what you said on your journal is true, that's a very poor way to respond to criticism, downright childish IMO.

I'm not trying to be mean, but that's what it feels like for me.

I took a creative writing class last year, so I've learned about how to take criticism, and if what you said on your journal is true, that's a very poor way to respond to criticism, downright childish IMO.

I don't care if it is. That's how I feel about it.

[DarkHououmon]

I looked at your journal page too Ratlady, and even though I've only skimmed through the story, meaning I can't give you an opinion, don't be surprised if other people feel discouraged from critiquing your story.

I wouldn't be surprised if that was true. I'm feeling discouraged from posting further critique on this story. It's likely I won't post any further critique on this story in the future.