The Gang of Five
The Land Before Time => LBT Fanfiction => Topic started by: vonboy on June 09, 2011, 07:25:20 PM
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I've been feeling kind of weird today, so I decided to write something else, instead of working on the PAST-O-RAMA episode for tomorrow. Also, after seeing the OMFGBBQ mid-season finale episode of southpark, it kind of inspired me to write this as well. So here it is, a really short, but mostly dark LBT oneshot.
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The Two Hunters
It was a happy day in the Great Valley, unlike every other day in the lazy Valley; It was a very special day, for it was Chomper's 8th star day. His friends were all crowded around him, as he happily ate from a big leaf with various insects in it. Everyone had gotten bigger over the last couple of years, including Chomper, much to Cera's and Mr. Threehorn's displeasure. They both thought that Chomper was starting to get TOO big.
Everyone knew Chomper would have to leave soon, but no one talked about it. Really, no one WANTED to talk about it. Most of the residents of the Valley would be happy at his departure. There were still those that really didn't like his presence and company. His friends might not like it, but they would get over it. All except for one. The very dinosaur that first decided to raise Chomper, that unhappily let him leave the Valley the first time, that met him on an island and saved his life, and finally, helped him to be welcomed back into the valley. Chomper and Littlefoot were like brothers. Both of them were only children, so it wasn't that hard for them to see themselves as that.
On one particular night, the friendly sharptooth crawled up to the Longneck nest, and woke up the little apatosaurus nestled close to his grandparents.
"What is it?" The little longneck asked.
"Um, there's something I need to talk about. I think I need to leave."
"Leave? Why?"
"Well, I'm getting bigger, and little ground crawlers and buzzing flyers aren't filling me up like they used to."
Littlefoot looked his friend over. It was true, he wasn't looking very healthy at that point. He looked pretty malnourished. You could actually almost see his ribs under his skin. "You don't mean you have to start eating..." Littlefoot didn't want to finish that sentence.
"...meat. Yes, it's true."
The Little biter and the little leafeater said their good byes, and the sharptooth started to make his way to the hidden valley. As Chomper walked off, thoughts started racing through Littlefoot's mind. He didn't want to see him go, they were bothers after all. He loved the little biter. But...he also couldn't stay in the Great Valley. There was plenty for him to eat, yes, but Chomper wasn't about to start chowing down on his friends! A thought finally reached the little dinosaur's mind. He knew what he had to do.
quickly, he got up and raced towards Chomper, and they both walked out into the Mysterious Beyond together, never to return.
Many years later
An adult Spiketail was wandering around in the Mysterious Beyond. Somehow, he had lost track of his herd. He was worried, for he knew that the dreaded Redclaw prowled around this area. As he walked further, an immense beast broke out of some tress nearby. This sharptooth was not Redclaw, but a giant bluish/purplish sharptooth. The beast lunged towards him, but the spiketail managed to slap him with his tail. As the sharptooth recovered, the spiketail saw a chance to run. He darted off. The sharptooth got up, and started chasing after his prey.
As he ran, he scampered right up to an adult Longneck. "Boy am I glad to see you! I need help! A Sharptooth is after me!" The Longneck heard this spiketails request, but he had a different plan in mind. With his mighty tail, he whipped the spiktail into a rockface. As the longneck stared down at the one he just whacked, the confused Spiketail spoke up. "What's going on here?". As the sharptooth walked in for the kill, the spiketail said one last word. "Why?".
Chomper was doing well today. He had just had a successful hunt, which his best friend and brother, Littlefoot, had helped him out on.
Now you might be thinking to yourself "What the **** is going on here!?" I'll tell you that it wasn't always like this. When Chomper and Littlefoot first made it into the Mysterious Beyond, Littlefoot tried to stay away from Chomper at his small meals. The first time he walked in on Chomper, when he was chowing down on a Threehorn hatchling, he was disgusted. He wanted to go back to the Great Valley, but the love for his brother kept him in the wild. Over the years, Littlefoot grew more and more desensitized to Chomper's eating and hunting habits. Until one fateful day, when the two met during one of Chomper's hunts. Littlefoot suddenly and without warning helped his friend out by luring a Redback into a corner he couldn't get out of.
"So, how is that Spiketail?" Littlefoot asked.
"It's great!" The sharptooh replied. Littlefoot turned to a tree to have his own snack while Chomper happily gobbled up his. Chomper was always well fed, thanks to the help of his friend. Most of the time, Chomper was able to get an easy kill whenever his prey stared flabbergasted at the longneck.
"If Chomper's happy, then I'm happy!" Littlefoot always thought to himself whenever an inkling of regret made it's way into his mind. The two hunters lived together happily to a ripe old age.
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So, what do you think?
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Hey there, nice oneshot! Poor Chomper...and poor Littlefoot as well. They're really good friends. But I do like how Chomper would move into the Mysterious Beyond in order to not eat his friends. Ya do whatcha gotta do, man.
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looks triple good, good, good so far
:yes
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Wow, well this was different, but I think I liked it. I was at first a little disappointed that Littlefoot was just letting Chomper go without saying anything, but then I restudied the title, and was like ahhh wait a minute.
Even though it's darker, I think it's still believable, and not too surreal. You did pretty good on this, though I did see a few things that could brush this short story up a bit.
Try to stay consistent with capitalizing or not capitalizing longneck, as it changes a bit throughout this story. Also on that note "Little longneck" probably shouldn't be capitalized.
In the first sentence, I'd use "unlike every other" instead of "not just like". You DO have a correct use of a semicolon, but I'd clean it up even more by having it read "in the lazy Valley; it was a special day, for today was the day Chomper was celebrating his eighth star day." It would just flow better that way I think.
The adult spiketail is "wandering" not "wondering" as wondering means you're pondering or thinking about something. :) When Chomper lunges at him, I'd go with "toward" rather than "forwards". So "lunged toward him".
When Chomper is eating, it should be "chowing" down, not "showing", but you said chowing earlier on, so probably just a typo. :)
Oh yeah, something I forgot but remembered. "little dinosaur's mind" instead of "little dinosaurs mind" as it's the mind of the little dinosaur, it's Littlefoot's mind, it belongs to him, so apostrophe to indicate possession. :)
And remember to start a new paragraph every time a character speaks. Chomper responding to Littlefoot should be a new paragraph. :)
Other than that, I didn't see anything that's worth kicking up too much of a fuss over. You did a good job on this story, and yes, it is dark, but this isn't really a future that I CAN'T see. On the contrary, I think it is perfectly possible that this could come to pass, and don't really see it as not believable or anything. :)
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Thanks for the grammar help Pterano! I wanted to try to make it sound believable, so that's why I kept stressing how much Littlefoot loved Chomper; So he'd have a good reason to do this.
On that note, I've had an idea for a LBT movie script to write for a couple weeks. I think that'll be my next major project after season 2 of PAST-O-RAMA is done.
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That was a very good and wonderful story. I like it a lot. nice work on it.
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Quickly, he got up and raced towards Chomper, and they both walked out into the Mysterious Beyond together, never to return.
This sentence made my jaw drop. Even though Littlefoot sees him as his brother, and Chomper must leave, I still didn't expect Littlefoot would do such a thing. A creative twist, I must say.
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This fanfiction has been nominated by its author to be rated for the fanfiction awards 2011. To all the readers and fans of this fanfiction, please rate and review (http://www.gangoffive.net/index.php?topic=9467) it! :)
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Quickly, he got up and raced towards Chomper, and they both walked out into the Mysterious Beyond together, never to return.
This sentence made my jaw drop. Even though Littlefoot sees him as his brother, and Chomper must leave, I still didn't expect Littlefoot would do such a thing. A creative twist, I must say.
Thanks Jansenov! That was exactly what I was going for; the sudden shock of what's going on.
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It was great. I really enjoy it a lot,
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I found this story to be quite disturbing, but somehow I kind of liked it. I actually expected this story to be about Screech and Thud.
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I found this story to be quite disturbing, but somehow I kind of liked it. I actually expected this story to be about Screech and Thud.
Yeah, I warned that this one was pretty dark. I thought some people might find it a bit disturbing. Glad you liked it though. Also glad that I was able to surprise you. :DD
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Interesting concept - I like the idea of you continuing on with Littlefoot and Chomper's relationship as it definitely seems like they are far closer in the movies.
Very convincing, too :)
Excellent work!
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Littlefoot ready to lure other dinosaurs to their death? He sure forgot about his own fate in the original movie in this story more than even in the movies. Littlefoot ready to cause the death of others whose only "crime" is being no acquaintances of his?
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What doesn't make sense is why Ruby and the others from the Gang of Five wouldn't follow Littlefoot. Even if they were getting mad at Chomper, they wouldn't turn on Littlefoot. His family never went after him?
I was ok, I guess, with all parts, minus the Threehorn hatchling. That seemed a bit low for Chomper to eat a baby.