Ok, I only have time for the first chapter now.
1.) Impressive use of adjectives to describe the place, who Paito is, what he does for a living, how he performs the actions, etc. If its supposed to be Star Wars based, that's just about everything I'd expect from a SW film. One thing, I guess I didn't see and perhaps expected is a reasoning at to why Paito decided to become a bounty hunter instead of something on the lines of a soldier or Jedi for the Republic. Just a bit of minor characterization that I felt was lacking.
2.) This is more grammatical than anything but a lot of your paragraphs in which someone is speaking to the readers starts out with things like "Another said...." Most books and authors will reverse that and put the speech first, followed by the action (replied, said, objected, screamed, etc.).
3.) Another minor thing about grammar and sentence structure is that some of the sentences sound flaky. Example:
"...I expect results from a bounty hunter like you.”
The man named Paito Grimm was a bounty hunter.
I think most readers would have known that from what the head hauncho at the correctional authority just stated. Also, a couple of times, just by the phrases used from some of the characters like when Paito says: "You aren’t worth my time, dead or alive, punk!" that sounds like something a teenager would say, not something I'd expect from a no-nonsense seasoned bounty hunter.
Other than that, I look foward to reading the rest of it and you're free to consider any of my comments as you wish.