The Gang of Five
The Land Before Time => LBT Fanfiction => Topic started by: trulyfantasticme on March 16, 2012, 08:26:35 PM
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Heheh, I wrote a poem. :lol
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"If I had only thirty seconds to live,
I would spend them looking into your eyes."
I promised him long ago.
I remember the look in his beautiful sapphire eyes.
They glistened with such sweet joy.
And now, as I lay dying on the cavern floor at the old age of seventy five,
I keep that promise.
He hovers above me,
Lachrymosa filled those twinkling baby blue eyeballs of his.
Tears slowly, but steadily flowed down his cheeks.
They seemed to be as depressed as he was.
I reach up and touch his soft, black cheek.
He burried his face into my talons,
his flowing tears rubbing onto my skin.
His thermal hand rested upon mine,
entwining his talons with mine.
I pulled him down,
pressing his forehead against mine
and I kissed him tenderly on the forehead
as our beaks nuzzled.
His hot tears still flowing, but at a higher rate.
I wipe away some of the flowing tears with my talons
as my love for him began to form tears of my own.
I feel weak.
Like a crimpling leaf on the stone cold Autumn ground
I was cold, like an icy grave in the ground.
I was stiff, like a rock.
My lungs were failing me, as well as all my other internal organs.
I can hardly breathe.
It is too late for me.
I'm dying.
I knew I did not have much time left,
so I spat out my final words to him.
"Oh Devon...my sweet, sweet baby boy..."
I knew I had to make this quick.
"I love you, Devon."
My hand slipped from his teary cheek,
and fell to the cavern ground.
My eyes shut, never to be opened again.
My heart took its final beat
as I drew my final breath.
I couldn't fight anymore.
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Wow...
Well...that was Listen to Your Heart (http://www.gangoffive.net/index.php?topic=10129) in a nutshell. :lol
...Poor Devon. :cry
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Sensational...I really enjoyed it.
A few critiques that I'd like to point out...one, the rhythm of the poem, steady at first, but then lost it nearing the end. Two, your rhyming pattern decreased then increased throughout it.
That's it...The positives are the way you used ALOT of symbolism.
Like a crimpling leaf on the stone cold Autumn ground
I was cold, like an icy grave in the ground.
I was stiff, like a rock.
This was the best line I found. Also, your perfect synchronization with the story you wrote...specific.
Great job
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Wow! Thanks, LBTLover. I'll just have to watch out for that. XD
I'm glad you enjoyed it. :DD
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First this made me think of. Thirty Minutes by TATU (or someone...), and I was all like, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout?" Then I read it, and then I was like, "Oh." :p
Trolol, anyway. Great poem, I really liked it. Well-written, and incredibly touching. Poor Devon.
My only problem is one particular word.
crimpling
Should that be crumpling, or is it just me?
Other than that, it was enjoyable and touching. Nice work. :)