Wait, don't we have a LBT/Star Wars fan-fiction already? That niche is filled, my friend.
Just joking. Jedi472 hasn't updated in ages, so I've been re-reading the other fan-fic. It's good to have some new material every now and then. Time for my critique!
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Okay, thie first thing I noticed is the mechanics. I'm sorry for being a little harsh, but is is horrid. I had a hard time following the story just because the way it is written is sub-par. It is one of the many things that irk me whenever I read fan-fiction. Bad grammar and below average mechanics just ruins the whole thing. Get a beta reader to go over your work! Also, just a hint of advice, DON'T USE MICROSOFT WORD'S SPELL CHECKER!
Sorry for the rant, but I'm serious, though. Bad grammerz fanfictz runez times ten out 10 of. (Bad grammar ruins fan-fictions 10 times out of 10). But enough mechanics, you want to hear about what I think of the story, now don't'cha? Now, when I read fan-fictions, I have a little mind-application called a Mary-sue-dar. Let me tell you, it was going off like crazy when I was reading about that time machine thingy. I mean, how old are they? If it is the year 2009, I mean, even in science fiction stories, I don't think that it is even remotely possible for two teenagers to come up with a working time machine without either divine intervention or alien information. I hope you have an explanation for how Bradley got the design to work.
Now, I feel that the plot for this is decent. I mean, it isn't the next amazing novel, but it has potential. The only real problems is the way you added detail to the general idea of the plot. You should try planning out your chapters beforehand. It might help you in writing better chapters in the future. It is a good story, but it needs a little more work. It seems like it was written up only in a few hours. Take your time, plan out your chapters, maybe make them longer, but put a little more effort into the story. Okay?
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