The Gang of Five
The Land Before Time => LBT Fanfiction => Topic started by: f-22 "raptor" ace on April 12, 2008, 09:01:45 PM
-
Yes you heard right I've removed my fanfic from FF.net because of details. I will do extensive editing before I put it back up.
-
It is your decision and I will await it's return. Good luck with the editing.
-
Yes you heard right I've removed my fanfic from FF.net because of details. I will do extensive editing before I put it back up.
Uhh what was your fan fic called?
I hope it turns out better than ever.
-
Yes you heard right I've removed my fanfic from FF.net because of details. I will do extensive editing before I put it back up.
Uhh what was your fan fic called?
I hope it turns out better than ever.
It was called the land before time ali's return.
-
don't hurry...
-
Yes, I noticed that fanfic quite a while ago. If I remember correctly, you really needed to make some improvements on it. My best suggestion is for you to use short separate paragraphs in each of you chapters so that it's easier to read.
-
I just did some editing to chapter 1. I completely re-typed the begining. I also made it a bit more clear to read. I still have to do this to 9 chapters. So my story will probbaly be back up late this year.
-
I've edited chapter 1 and here it is.
THE LAND BEFORE TIME ALI’S RETURN
CHAPTER 1
Night had fell upon a herd of longnecks. As they lay sleeping they had no idea that they were being watched. “When are attacking,’ grumbled one of the young raptors. “Patience we will strike in the morning,’ replied the older raptor. “Hey what’S that over there,’ asked the younger one who pointed to an edge on the other side of the ridge. “It seems we’re not the only ones tracking this herd,” said the older raptor. “We’ll attack in the morning now I all of you to get some rest before then,” said the older raptor. As the other raptors began to fall asleep the lone raptor watched from the other side of the ridge “Phase 1 is complete moving on to phase 2’ said the raptor silently to himself. As the darkness began to fade away and bring the morning sun, the herd of longnecks and the raptors awoke. “This is our chance’ proclaimed the older raptor. “Let’s get this over with already,” yelled out the younger raptor causing quite a ruckus. “Huh what was that,” asked Ali. “What is it,” asked the old one. “I thought I heard something’ replied Ali. “Not so loud you fool they nearly heard us’ cursed the older raptor. “Now” shouted the older raptor. The small pack of 4 charged down the ridge of the ridge charging toward the herd. “Sharpteeth are attacking’ shouted one of the adults. As the herd began to panic no one noticed the older raptor closing in on Ali. “I’ve got you now,’ he said to himself. As he thrust his legs to jump out of the bushes where he was hiding she turned her head and saw him she began screaming. “Ali’ yelled out her mother. Ali closed her eyes unsure of her fate, but just as all hope seemed lost the older raptor was rammed mid-air he turned his head and the last thing he saw was an extended claw coming closer to his face. His lifeless body fell next to Ali and the raptor that killed him landed in front of Ali. He turned to see her whimpering when she realized the other raptor was dead she opened her eyes to see the one that killed the raptor that tried to kill her standing there with his back to the sun. “Father” shouted the youngest raptor with rage and sorrow. He tried to attack but was killed with a few well place blows. Seeing the loss other two the remaining raptors retreated over the ridge. The final raptor there gave out a roar of victory before going back over the right side of the ridge. “What just happened,’ asked Ali. “I don’t know Ali,’ replied her mother. “Look the entrence to the valley is not much further,’ said the old one. After walking on for a while they finally made it to the entrance to the Valley. “Well looks like you made it,” said the raptor. “What” said Ali turning around to see a raptor sitting on a rock. “I understand your tounge if you’re wondering,” said the raptor. “What a second a second sharptooh that understands leaf eater language,’ said the old one “Yeah I know it’s understandably strange,’ said the raptor. “Who are you,” asked Ali’s mom. “Well you can just call me kid” responded Kid. “Where do you come from,” asked Ali. “I come from a place called Kravonsik valley,” said Kid. “I’ve never heard of it,” said Ali. I have heard of it,” said the old one. “So you’ve heard about the place,” asked Kid The old one nodded in agreement. “What happened to it,” asked Ali. “I’d rather not talk about it,” the raptor said. “Is the question indiscreet,” asked Ali. “No the question isn’t indiscreet but the answer might be,” said Kid. “Uh kid we’d like to enter the valley now,” said Ali’s mother. “I understand,” said Kid. As the herd entered the valley the old one said to Ali’s mother “I should talk to the elders of the great valley about what happened,” said the old one. Meanwhile inside the great valley… “Can’t catch me,” said littlefoot “I can too yep yep yep,” replied ducky. “Hey look,’ said petrie pointing toward Ali’s herd. “Ali’s back,’ said Littlefoot. As the ran to Ali she looked at her mother who gave a smile Ali ran to littlefoot and the others. “Hello Littlefoot” said Ali. “Hey Ali” replied littlefoot “oh there you are littlefoot your grandma and I were wondering where you were,’ said grandpa. “Hello it is good to see you again ali,” said grandpa. “Good to see you to grandpa longneck,’ said Ali “Oh by the way the old one wants to talk to you,’ said Ali. “Ok I’ll go talk to her,’said grandpa. Meanwhile… “So we’ll be in great valley soon bron,” asked shorty. “Yes we’ll be there soon,” responded bron. “Well Lets get going,” said shorty. A twig snapped putting the herd on alert. “Now,’ yelled a raptor. The two raptors began to run toward the herd. Two more appeared to get in the way as if trying to protect the herd. They scared the other raptors off. “We mean you no harm longnecks,” said pops. “Are we suppose to believe that but most importantly who did you learn our language,” asked bron. “Can you just trust us,” replied kid. Bron was in the middle of saying something when they heard multiple roars in the distance. “Great they’ve found friends.,’ said Kid. “They only hunt in twos and threes,” said bron. “These guys don’t,” said pops. “Yea whatever,’ said shorty. “Look you can either come with us or we can leave you here to fend for yourselves,’ said pops. “Ok we’ll come with you,” said bron “What,’ asked shorty. “They’re our only chance now I don’t like it but we’ll have to follow them,’ said bron.
Do I need more work or is it good?
-
I'll re upload Chapter 1 soon I still need a lot of work on the other chapters.
-
Hope it comes back online soon! While you're on FF.net, mind giving my story a review? I'll review yours.