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The Land Before Time: The Bite Of Tornetar!

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The Land Before Time

The Bite of Tornetar.

The Bite of Tornetar: Part 1
Tricked

(Prologue)

A long time ago. before You, Before The Horse, Before The Dog, Before The Elephant, Before the Mammals took over the earth. the Dinosaurs ruled the earth.

there where two kinds of Dinosaurs. the ones with flat teeth, who ate plants and lived peacefully. and then, there where the dinosaurs with Sharp Teeth, who ate the Peace-loving Dinosaurs.

But in the Great Valley all was right. the Jagged cliffs and mountains surrounding the Great Valley protected the plant eating dinosaurs from Sharpteeth, sence they could not climb the mountains, and the only ways in where too hard to trek. but it doesn't mean there where attempts. Sharpteeth ranging from Mama and Papa Sharptooth, to Fast Biters, to Redclaw on few occasions have made there way some way or another. disrupting the peace and attacking the inhabitance.

all of wich where Exsponged however. but future events will find the next break in, will be the hardest to escape, and the toughest to beat.

(Morning)

the Sun rises, to a new day in the Great Valley, the first to wake up, is the adults, who wake there young. among them, our five young protangonists...

Littlefoot, Laying on his side, and squirming, is wakin up by his Grandma's nudging.

"YEAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!!" Littlefoot screams.

"Shhhh" Grandma tells Littlefoot. "Its ok, its just a bad sleepstory." she adds.

Littlefoot grasps for breath for five seconds.

"More like a Sleep Terrorstory Grandma. it was awfull. there was this Giant Sharptooth chasing everyone, he Ate everybody that didn't get away fast enough. he got you, Grandpa, Mr. Threehorn, the others. THEN HE GOT ME!!!" Littlefoot exclaimed as he was terrified of such a dream seemed so life-like.

"Shhhh" Grandma said again, "relax. it was just a bad Sleepstory, it wasn't real." she stated and looks upward. "Maybe some Treestars would settle you?" Grandma stated as she took a branch of a tree in her mouth and broke it off.

"Yeah, Maybe... I hope." Littlefoot said to himself before taking a bite out of the Treestar pile.

within a few seconds Littlefoot ate the entire pile. letting out a loud burp, he looked up to grandma.

"Thanks grandma, I feel much better now." Littlefoot said.

"Good! Lets go to the thundering Falls, its time for your bath." Grandma stated.

Littlefoot, not liking the thought of taking a bath. walked to the thundering falls. there he met the rest of his friends.

"Hey Guys!" Littlefoot shouted to his friends.

"Hey littlefoot, we're about to go play a game, wanna join?" Cera asked.

"Sure!!!" Littlefoot replied with glee. then he remembered why he went to the thundering falls, "AAAH! I forgot, I got to take a bath."

Cera sighed out of impatiance. "Fine, we'll be over at the tall grass when your ready."

"OK! I'll be there soon." Littlefoot stated.

as the other went off to play, littlefoot got his bath. he ofcourse didn't like one bit of it.

a few minutes later, after his bath, Littlefoot's Grandpa walked up to him before he ran off to play.

"Littlefoot, I heard you yell so loud, heh, I thought my hearing loss was cured." Grandpa stated jokingly.

"Yeah, I had a bad sleepstory." Littlefoot replied.

"Grandma Told me about it. sounds much more like a sleep terror." Grandpa stated...

Littlefoot was puzzled. "Whats a sleepterror?" Littlefoot questioned.

"Its a terrifying experiance. everything can look, feel, and even SMELL life-like. I had a few myself." Grandpa replied with a look that, he doesn't want to remember, but he had to tell littlefoot.

"Can they ever come true?" Littlefoot questioned again.

"NOOO!!!!" Grandpa replied terrified, as if he was holding something back.

Littlefoot, having enough of the conversation, thought it be best if this conversation ended.

"Well, thats good. I'll talk to ya later about it sometime." Littlefoot said, to change the subject.

"Yes, uh, yes. go, play. and try to get it off your mind." Grandpa said, wanting to change the subject as well.

later that day, the children, Cera, Ducky, Spike, Petrie, Chomper, Ruby, and Littlefoot play a game of catch with a cocanut. Chomper inadvertly Kicks it so hard it bounces around till it flys out into the mysterious Beyond.

"AH MAN!" Cera yells.

"Now how are we gonna play catch? cuz without one of thoughs tree rocks, we can't play catch." Ruby asked.

Chomper, feeling a sence of responsiblility for the loss of the cocanut desided to go retrieve it.

"I'll go get it." Chomper said to the others.

"But there are sharpteeth out there, there is, there is!" Ducky stated. with spike simply noding his head. "Mmmhmmmm"

"Uh, I am a sharptooth. I can just tell them to go away" Chomper stated. "besides, I can do this. how far could it have gone?"

Chomper walked off to go find the cocanut. once he found the bones of a dead longneck he knew he was in the Mysterious beyond. he keeps looking around, not noticing how far the cocanut realy went. finaly he finds the Cocanut sitting infront of a large cave, with large boulders blocking the entrance.

"THERE IT IS!" Chomper exclaimed.

when out of nowhere a loud voice yelled.

"WHO DISTURBEDS MY SLUMBEEERRRRRRR!!!!!" the voice yelled, the loudness made the ground shake. scaring Chomper halfsenceless.

"Wh, whoooos Th-th-There?" Chomper studdered.

"I... Am Tornetar." the voice announced.

Chomper didn't like the situation he was in. but then he thought, if the individual was in the cave, they may need help, and he should try to talk to them.

"Do you need help? are you trapped?" Chomper asked with a friendly voice, hoping whoever is inside is realy just a poor soul who is just grouchy because they are trapped.

the voice didn't respond for a few minutes. then in a loud and seemingly desperately the voice yelled out again.

"YES!!!, Help, I was, um. Being chased. by this large sharptooth, I uh... went, into this cave to hide, but an earthshake made these large rocks fall, and close the cave behind me. now I can't escape and wreak, ERR, I mean, find my family. Yesss." Tornetar stated.

Chomper, feeling sorry for Tornetar, desided to help the seemingly trapped individual out.

"Is there a way I can help? what can I do?" Chomper asked, so he can help.

"do you see a large rock, bigger then the rest, laying in the center, closest to the ground? if you remove it, the rock pike will become week at the top, and I can push myself out." Tornetar stated.

Chomper looked around, and sure enough the large boulder sat right infront of him.

"Gee, How did you know it was there?" Chomper asked.

"NEVERMIND THAT! JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!, ER! I mean, please, I am getting hungry." Tornetar yelled, "the best way to remove it, is to pry it, while using the rest of the large rocks to push it downward. the large boulder would not take the weight and will fall over." Tornetar stated.

Chomper was quite perplexed, how did Tornetar know how to free himself?

"Uh, if thats how it should be done, why haven't you done this?" Chomper asked.

"Because, the rocks behind the large boulder prevent me from digging to it. when I do try to dig to the large boulder, more smaller rocks fall into the place of the bigger ones." Tornetar explained. "Thus, I have deduced that only someone outside can do this, though the only one that has came along, is you." Tornetar stated.

Chomper felt a little better about the idea, he guessed that the rocks must be packed in so much because the large rock was preventing the rest of the rocks from falling out. but one thing about the rocks that caught his eye, was that there where vines and dirt on the rocks. as if the rocks have been there for a long time.

None the less, Chomper felt he had to help Tornetar out. after finding a large stick, he pushed, tugged, huffed, and puffed to move the boulder. after a short break. he got to the top of the boulder by climbing a vine, and begun to pry the boulder at the top, then a rumble was sound. and the boulder fell over, the rocks began to fall.

"YAAAAAAYYYY!!!! I DID IT!!!" Chomper joyfully yelled.

"Did what?" Littlefoot said, as the rest of the gang finaly found littlefoot.

Cera was unhappy with the waiting, and desided to find chomper to play a diffrent game.

"yes, what did you do?" Ruby asked.

Chomper had a big smile, feeling a sence of accomplishment and knowing he helped someone made him feel good.

"I helped my friend Tornetar out of this cave. well almost, I have to remove the other rocks. I am sure he must be weak being trapped in a cave for so long." Chomper replied.

then. a large earthshake rocked the seven small dinosaurs. and the cave began to crumble.

"No, I am not weak, I can free myself now. thanks to you Chomper, I can now continue my conquest, and rule the Great Valley, I will Crush the Valley walls, and my brethrin shall devour every single plant eater on sight!" Tornetar gloated, as his Eyes became visible.

The small dinosaurs where shocked to what they heard.

"YOU TRICKED ME!!!" Chomper cried. "YOU wanted me to release you so you can Kill my friends!" Chomper added.

"YOU DID WHAT!" Cera exclaimed.

"I thought he was hurt. he said he was being chased. he said...." Chomper relised what had happened. "he lied!, YOU LIED!"

chomper began to try and rais the large boulder back into place. the other dinosaurs began to try to help. but it was no good.

"We have to close the cave back up, theres no way he can get out if we through more rocks into the spot the large rock was." Littlefoot yelled.

then a laughter bellowed from the caves. as the cave finaly callapes.

"You underestimate me children!" Tornetar gloats.

when the debres finaly clear. and the dust settles. the seven dinosaurs are shocked to see a gigantic Sharptooth towering over them.

"Its... Its... the Sleepterror Sharptooth!" Littlefoot said to himself when he realised what he was looking at.

the seven dinosaurs began running back into the Great Valley, Tornetar let out a thunderous roar. and began to wade through the bones of dead dinosaurs. twards the Great Valley. like a storm tearing though the land Tornetar destroyed the large rock that looks like a longneck, by bitting off the statue's neck, the stone longneck began to crack, crumbling into rubble. Tornetar let out another thunderous roar.

as the children run home, Littlefoot finds his Grandparents.

"Littlefoot, whats wrong?" Grandpa Longneck asked in worry.

"Grandpa, Grandma, The giant Sharptooth, its real! its coming! we saw it!" Littlefoot said with a frantic expression.

Grandma longneck looked at littlefoot, while Grandpa looked tward where the children where running from.

"Littlefoot, there are no such things as Giant Sharpteeth." Grandma Longneck said.

"Oh!, there is. Yes Yes Yes! and he's mad!" Ducky correcting Grandma longneck.

"Yeah, Tornetar is coming this way!, he's big and is coming!" Ruby said.

Grandpa was fearfull, when he heard the name Tornetar. he shook for a moment. in his mind. he could hear the screams of scared individuals, and a loud, low pitched roar rings in his mind.

"D-D-Did you say Tornetar!?" Grandpa asked out of fear.

"Yeah, wait. Grandpa, you know something. this has something to do with my sleepstory. doesn't it?" Littlefoot asked.

Grandpa looked to his wife, who looked at him with confusion.

"I lied Littlefoot. the sleepstory you had wasn't a sleepterror. it was a sleepwarning." Grandpa finaly admitted. "I had one myself. before my first encounter with Tornetar. Littlefoot. Tornetar was a giant Sharptooth that fought the loan Dinosaur. the only reason he didn't return, was because he was trapped in a cave." Grandpa said.

"but the sharptooth you told us about wasn't as big." Cera said.

"and Not as big either, oh no no no!" Ducky added.

Grandpa sighed. and looked at the young dinosaurs.

"I exagerated the story a bit so as not to frighten you too much young ones. the story wasn't made up though. it was real." Grandpa said. trying to explain.

"what are you saying dear?" Grandma asked out of consern.

"I was there durring Tornetar's first attack. when I was young, I lived in a lush forest with my parents. untill one day...." Grandpa begin to think back to when he was younger.

in a green forest, a young Grandpa longneck played in a pond, then a thunderous roar made him freeze in his steps, he looked over to see his parents fighting a Giant Sharptooth.

"GRANDPA!" Littlefoot yelled snapping Grandpa Longneck into reality.

"Tornetar killed my parents, before he was defeated and captured by the lone dinosaur." Granpa finaly confessed.

before another word could be said. loud footsteps where heard, and a section of the Great Valley's wall began to crumble down to the ground. as the Dinosaurs ran for they're lives Tornetar's head rose over the rubble of the great wall, and roared once more to the sky as he waded through the rubble, with Normal sized Sharpteeth and Fast Biters began to swarm the Great Valley.

To Be Continued.

Next on The Land Before Time, Tornetar begins to wage bloody war on the inhabitants of the Great Valley. Spike, Petrie, Cera and Littlefoot go out to search for Doc, and Grandpa and Grandma Longneck and the other Dinosaurs of the Great Valley battle Tornetar all in the second part of. The Land Before time, The Bite Of Tornetar!


Campion1

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Now THIS is crazy! I like how you use a good amount of exclamation points and caps lock. I'm a fan of that myself, even if it isn't considered "Correct"

And it's good to see some backstory and character on grampa longneck!


TITANOSAUR

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hey, glad you like it Champion1. was afraid I'd get scaulded or somethin. I tryed to keep the main charactors unchanged. ahd the Exclamation points and caps lock where used to help bring out the emotion of that charactor. when a charactor yells or is angry or distressed it should be felt in the wrighting I believe.

OH! and Part 1 is also on DA now if you prefer to read it there.

http://titanosaur.deviantart.com/#/d2w5n2i

now, Originaly, Ali was supposed to be in part 1. but I felt there where so many charactors already. oh and I just now noticed Petrie gets almost no lines in Part 1. this will be fixed in part 2.

as for Grandpa's backstory, I kinda felt sence he was so old, you can play around with his past a bit. so I desided he should know Tornetar from his past.

I also got the idea to bring the Lone Dinosaur story into the fiction, because it seemed to me to be the best idea.

don't worry guys, Petrie will have lines in Part 2.


Campion1

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I did not realize that petrie didn't speak either. Didn't need to care because I liked the story. =D

I'll be ready for part 2 when you have it. Yep yep yep!


TITANOSAUR

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I'm glade you liked it champion1. I am currently planning part 2 out now. I am thinking of making the second part be a bit shorter so part 3 can feel much more epic.

I know you guys don't like blood and violence. but Part two will have dino-fights that would be like the fights in the other LBT movies. not much blood at all realy.


Campion1

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I'm all for blood and violence when it comes to dinosaurs.  :D



Campion1

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So I guess you told me that part 2 is done eh? *cough*  ;)


TITANOSAUR

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Yep! and here it is. OH! there is a lil blood. but no worry, its not a blood fest. its just a small enjury nothin to flip out over. :rolleyes:

THE LAND BEFORE TIME

The Bite Of Tornetar

(Prologue)

Last time on the Land Before Time; Littlefoot has a Terrifying dream about a Giant Sharptooth that is revealed to be a warning. Chomper finds a cave blocked off by large rocks and hears who he beleaves to be a person in trouble, using a large stick, and prying at the largest boulder said to be holding the rocks in place, Chomper manages to remove the boulder. but the person trapped inside is infact a blood thirsty Sharptooth called Tornetar, an Evil Giant Sharptooth that towers over the tallest longneck. unable to lift the boulder and put it back in place, Tornetar escapes and slowly makes his way back to the Great Valley. Destroying the Rock shapped as a longneck and gathering many other Sharpteeth and Fastbiters. Grandpa Longneck reveals Tornetar Killed his parents. but before anything more can be revealed, Tornetar attacks, destroying a section of the Great Valley's wall, allowing swarms of Sharpteeth and Fastbiters to enter the Valley as we continue the second part of The Land Before Time.... The Bite Of Tornetar!

Part 2: The Rise Of The Terrorsaurus

Although the sun was high in the sky, the ground was darkened by the shadow of Tornetar. a Giant Sharptooth. his scales along his back and sides where black with grey stripes and his underbelly was darkgrey, the color of Ash. the giant Tyrannosaurid roared to the sky, frighting all inhabitants of the Great Valley. the Sharpteeth where biting the rocks and widening the opening of the Great Walls even more to allow swarms more of Sharpteeth and Fast Biters to enter the Valley.

meanwhile, the seven Dinosaurs including Grandma, Grandpa, Topsy, Mama Flyer, and a couple of Ankylosaurus Brothers Thailog and Tosk stood there frightened. hearing the screams of other dinosaurs Fallen Victim to the Sharpteeth.

"We HAVE to do something!" Littlefoot said to the others.

Tost looked at the carnage and looked back at the young Longneck.

"Like what? we're out numbered, AND we're at a tatical disadvantage. IF we attack thoughs Sharpteeth will tear us to peices. and as long as Tornetar serves as they're leader they won't be so easily scared off." Tosk said as he thought up a plan.

Littlefoot looked at Grandpa Longneck and came up with an idea himself. Only one longneck had ever successfully defeated Tornetar. if he could get him to fight off Tornetar then the other Sharpteeth can be dealt with much easier.

"Grandpa, what about Doc? you said the lone Dinosaur beat Tornetar once before? me and the others believe Doc was the Lone dinosaur. do you think its possible he can help us?" Littlefoot said to Grandpa longneck.

"But Me thought Lone Dinosaur no come back." Petrie said. "If Doc Lone Dinosaur, what make you think he will come here?" Petrie asked.

Littlefoot thought for a moment before he could say a think Thailog interupted with a loud stomp with his tail.

"HRRRRRRRR!, How could one Dinosaur fight THAT monster!? I say we form a possy and Take that oversized lizard Down!" Thailog announced with an eagerness to fight.

Topsy walked up next to Thailog shaking his head in agreement.

"I agree. if we don't do something now, we'll never be able to save our Valley." Topsy said with a hot temper.

Grandma and Grandma longneck shook there heads, believing the idea to be a foolish move that could get everybody killed.

"PLEASE Everyone, We can't go head on against something so large and Powerfull!" Grandpa said with Grandma nodding her head. "Yes, I think, if anything, we need to come up with a plan." Grandma added.

Cera was getting angry with the adults, she believed Littlefoots idea, dispite the fact that finding Doc would be difficult should still be better then loosing the Valley to Sharpteeth.

"HEY!!!!!" Cera yelled silencing the adults. "We already HAVE a plan. Me, Littlefoot, Spike, and Petrie can go out and get help from Doc, while you guys can see if you can atleast bide us some time." Cera said to the adults.

Grandpa looked down at the young Dinosaurs. giving a sigh of agreement.

"You kids are right. the Mysterious Beyond can't possibly be as dangerous as it is here." Grandpa said. "But Spike, I think you atleast should stay behind and watch your sisters for your mom." Grandma added.

Spike nodded, and began to head home. Littlefoot looked at his Grandpa.

"I'll come back as soon as I can, then we'll show that Giant Sharptooth that hes not as strong as he thinks." Littlefoot said to his grandparents.

after a Tearfull Snuzzle with they're Parents. The six young Dinosaurs venture off to find Doc.

"I just hope we end this with all of us alive at the end." Grandma said tearfully.

glancing back at the Great Valley, Littlefoot, Cera, Petrie, Chomper, and Ruby think on the first time laying there eyes on the Great Valley.

"don't worry guys, we're gonna end this chaos and make everything right again." Littlefoot said to the others.

Petrie looked at Littlefoot with a big question on everyone's mind...

"How we find Doc? No Body know where he is?" Petrie asked.

Littlefoot thought to himself for a half second then looked at everybody.

"We ask around. we'll look and ask all the Longneck heard we can find." Littlefoot said, "We will find Doc."

Cera came up with an idea.

"Well, while looking for doc, why don't we also ask some strong Longnecks if they can help us. I remember how my daddy said, that Threehorns would sometimes gang up on a Sharptooth if things got bad." Cera suggested.

Ruby Thought about the idea and Agreed.

"Yeah, we can fight muscle with numbers. cuz we can fight with Numbers against Muscle!" Ruby stated.

"OOOOH!!! Me know! why don't we ask Ali herd if they can Help Great Valley?" Petrie suggested.

Littlefoot thought that the idea was a good one. sence finding doc would be difficult enough.

"OK, lets do this!" Littlefoot said to all the small dinosaurs. "LETS SAVE THE GREAT VALLEY!!!!"

So off they went, the six dinosaurs asked arround the Mysterious beyond. finding old friend Ali's heard and creating the largest army of Longnecks ever known. looking high and low for Doc, Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, Petrie, Ruby, Chomper, Ali and the herds of Longnecks looked everywhere.

Petrie flew down to Littlefoot. exhausted and panting heavily.

"Me no see Doc ANYWHERE!" Petrie said strained.

"What if we can not find doc? I don't want to live somewhere elses, Oh NO NO NO!" Duckey said scared.

Littlefoot, determined not to give up looked twards an old skeleton of a Spiketail.

"Well, we're not gonna just give up." Littlefoot said with a strong voice.

"Then what else can we do? our numbers are great enough to beat this Tornetar." The Old One stated.

"Yeah, Maybe your right. I mean, its impossible to find a lone dinosaur. much less a wandering dinosaur who prefers to be alone." Cera stated.

"what about your dad littlefoot? you think he can help us?" Ali asked.

Littlefoot thought for a moment. but shook his head.

"No, I may have already lost my grandparents by now. I'm not gonna loose my Dad." Littlefoot said in a tearfull voice.

Meanwhile, at the Great Valley, the Dinosaurs of the once Peacefull Valley join together to fight Tornetar to buy Littlefoot and the others some time.

"Tornetar! Your going down!" Thailog yelled.

Tornetar was unimpressed, but felt he could use some fun. he roared at the sky, telling all the other sharpteeth to back off. Tornetar was gonna fight all the Great Valley dinosaurs himself.

"Do you realy think you all can beat me. I am a Terrorsaurus! I have fought many battles and won!" Tornetar gloated.

Grandpa Longneck shook his head.

"You forgot the Lone Dinosaur Tornetar! do you not remember how he beat you and how he trapped you in that cave?" Grandpa Longneck said. not worrying that he may anger the giant.

"Bah! The Lone Dinosaur was only lucky." Tornetar yelled angerly "but you Old-Timer, you will not be so lucky, I believe I'll save you for last!"

Tornetar roared once more. as five Giganotosaurus's broke Grandpa Longneck off from the rest of the dinosaurs. Preventing him from helping the rest.

"Its Okay Longneck, we can handle this Sharptooth ourselfs!" Topsy said before letting out a loud Bellow. the other Dinosaurs began to attack.

One by one, Tornetar took each Dinosaur down with little effort. untill he came to the last three dinosaurs. consisting of Topsy, Thailog, and Tosk.

Thailog waisting no word charged at Tornetar's legs and swong his tail, bashing the giant at its feet. Topsy lept to Tornetar's chest hoping to go at the heart, by the time he got to Tornetar's neck but Tornetar quicky ducked the threehorned Dinosaur, and Topsy was hit by Tornetar's Tail, being flung to the ground. Thailog was about to hit the Terrorsaur's shin with his tail, but Tornetar raised his leg up, Thailog missed his target, confussed the ankylosaur looked up and saw a large foot coming down upon him. "BOOM!" was the only thing Grandpa could hear. when the smoke cleared Thailog was pinned down, still alive, but being crushed. Tornetar raised his foot once more. picked the Ankylosaur up with his mouth and tossed Thailog aside Topsy. Tosk was angry that his brother was beaten in such a manner. he Jumped at Tornetar when he was staring down at the two beatened dinosaur. Using his club, Tosk slammed his tail onto Tornetar's face, breaking off one of his teeth.

his mouth bleeding, and extremely fierious, Tornetar headbutted Tosk, causing him to hit the Great Valley wall. Tosk wasn't through with yet however. Tosk, laying next to the great wall, looked at the Valcano and had an idea, to lure Tornetar to the smoking moutain and, if possible, kill him by tossing him into the lava below. The Ankylosaur unfortunantly, had no time to execute onto this plan as Tornetar, using his tail, hit the great wall, causing an rockslide. within moments. the Ankylosaur was burried alive.

with all the dinosaurs beaten, Tornetar laughed maniacly at the Dinosaurs laying on the ground. he then looked at Grandpa longneck.

"You see Old-man, I can hold my own against anyone and anything." Tornetar Gloated over the longneck.

"I might be old, by I'm not as weak as you prefer to think Tornetar. I'll Never forget what you did to my parents!" Grandpa Yelled in an Angry reply.

Tornetar thought back, then he realised who the old Longneck was. the young Dinosaur who witnessed the death of his parents by his claws.

"Aaaah! I see, your that young longneck I saw, witnessing your parents death at my teeth. your Parents had some good meat! I wonder if your's would be any better?" Tornetar said antagonising Grandpa longneck.

Fierious, Grandpa longneck swong his tail and the Giganotosaurs, knocking them all out with one swing.

"Doc might have taken you down in his prime, but I will not die without a fight!" Grandpa yelled angerly.

Tornetar tilted his head in confusion.

"Who's this Doc guy?" Tornetar thought to himself.

Grandpa Longneck charged Tornetar, and pushed the giant down. Tornetar got up. a little disorianated, when his vision cleared Grandpa looked at him with an angry face. getting up on his hind legs Towing over the giant, Tornetar gapped at Grandpa longneck before recieving a blow to his head by the Longneck's front legs. Tornetar's head slammed to the ground, Tornetar then began to think he hit a bad cord when he Taunted the old Longneck.

Meanwhile. in a land of dry dirt and sand Littlefoot and the other young Dinosaurs, along with Ali and her herd, began the trek back to the Great Valley, but then a dust storm appears from nowhere. the Herds begin to panic.

"Everyone, stay together, this storm shouldn't last too long!" The Old One commanded.

as littlefoot, Ali, Cera, Petrie, Chomper, Ruby, and Ducky scurry to hide under the Old One, the young Dinosaurs begin to hear footsteps. he looks up as a large foot comes down infront of him. the Dust storm ends, and as the dust, sand, and debris clear. the setting sun's rays eluminate the land, and infront of them, stood a large longneck... Littlefoot looked up and saw the face of the giant longneck.

"Its HIM! ITS DOC!" Littlefoot exclaimed in a cheerfull manner.

(To Be Continued)

Next on The Land Before Time; Littlefoot, Petrie, Cera, Ali, And Ducky return to the Great Valley with Doc. the herds of Longnecks fight the Sharpteeth and Fast Biters out of the Great Valley, and Doc, Grandpa, Ali, Littlefoot, and the rest of the young dinosaurs fight Tornetar atop of a large Valcano. the fate of the Great Valley hangs in the ballance in the most titanicular Dinosaur Battle ever. can the Peacefull Plant Eating dinosaurs end the terror of the Callosal Tornetar? or will the inhabitants of the Great Valley meat there demise. Find out in the exciting concusion of. The Land Before Time... The Bite Of Tornetar!


Campion1

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Again, grampa longneck kicks some ass. Too bad topsy didn't get his share.

This is awesome. =D


TITANOSAUR

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Hey thanks your enjoying the fic there Campion1. Grandpa has always been a kind of guy who looks old, and seems week, but if you get him mad enough he'll open a Can-of-Woop-Ass on ya. especialy if he has the motivation enough. in this case, he is angry and is trying to help save the Valley. I try to make him look good.

Topsy was originaly supposed to be burried alive, but I felt that might not work so good storywise because one is cause it'll be like the Death Of Optimus Prime of 86, and I don't want any of the members on this sight or DA to lock themselfs in there bathrooms for a week over it. also my ladyfriend came up with these two Ankylosaurs she wanted me to put in. so instead of Topsy, Tosk was burried alive.

I know this isn't looking good for me. but I don't want to give out any infomation about part 3 just to ease the minds of somebody on the site. one reason is that it'll ruin the story for them and second of all, I'd see it as bad storytelling. if they REALY need to know anything about part 3 or what happened to the charactors in part 2, they can either IM me OR they can simply wait till part 3 is finished and posted. I just hate giving out spoilers.

anyways, I hope you all enjoy this. I am having a good time writing it, and its giving me some ideas about some new sketchs. it also gives me something to look forward to when I come to this forum, to see how this Fanfic is reaching people. I honestly do hope they are enjoying it. I know my writing skills aren't of that of a Novelist, or of that of a poet. I just hope everybody is enjoying it. and hopefully is being inspired by it. I am not making this a "YEAH! I want to make a blood-bath fic! I want to kill everybody off!" not at all. I love these charactors. I admit I got radical ideas. but this fanfic is not about killing, its not about fighting. I'm just trying to tell a story. I don't plan to kill off any of your favorite charactors, I just want to share my work is all. some people will look at my stuff and think I am wierd and only like violence. but they have no idea how long it took for me to think up this stuff, writing it, making the scenes work so well you can see it unfolding in your mind.

I do have good intentions with this fic, I honestly do. its just that, I get looked at with cautious eyes because my ideas are so radical. but I like to be radical sometimes. its one of the things that makes a person a good artist. you have to dare, you have to be radical sometimes.

uh, sorry for my rambling. anyways Part 3 coming soon.


Campion1

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I do know what that feels like, but some stories are meant to be told as they are by the author, not always as the reader sees it. If you can make the character's actions seem reasonable to the reader, then you can go a long way. Being a fan of topsy, I would have immediately left this fanfic, just because I love him as a char. I do feel in a small way that fans should at least respect the characters that they are using. In what I want to write, I make pterano out to be suicidal. However, he will overcome it in some way, making him stronger. That's the kind of "respect" I'm talking about, even through exercising your right to do what you want with the characters.


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Quote from: Campion1,Aug 13 2010 on  08:32 AM
I do know what that feels like, but some stories are meant to be told as they are by the author, not always as the reader sees it. If you can make the character's actions seem reasonable to the reader, then you can go a long way. Being a fan of topsy, I would have immediately left this fanfic, just because I love him as a char. I do feel in a small way that fans should at least respect the characters that they are using. In what I want to write, I make pterano out to be suicidal. However, he will overcome it in some way, making him stronger. That's the kind of "respect" I'm talking about, even through exercising your right to do what you want with the characters.
Exactly. I don't like just going out to kill off charactors or put them in horrible situations just to torture them. I love these charactors. when I feel I need a death in the story, I'll use an Expendable charactor(s) I came up with (E.G. Original Charactors).

before I say anymore, I am not saying wether or not any of the charactors in the Movies or TV series will die, I am mearly stating a point.

The Path of creativity starts with an open mind. thats one of the ideas I believe and stand by when drawing or writing a fanfic. and I am glad Topsy was replaced because at the time I was thinking up the story, I never liked the idea of Burying a beloved charactor such as Topsy, or anyone for that matter at all. I can only thank my Lady-friend for coming up with the Ankylosaur Brothers to help me out. cuz I still wanted a scene of a dinosaur being burried, but not such a well known and beloved charactor. Tosk being Burried alive still had the impact I wanted in the story, while also avoiding loosing some readers had it been Topsy or any other established charactor from the series. for one, its not a smart move, and another thing. it could very well get me banned and hated upon by the members of this site.

but thankfully I avoided that problem, and Topsy is still alive for part 3. I also thank thoughs who applauds me for giving Grandpa Longneck a great amount of respect. I always figured Grandpa had a long history, and him being so old allows for intepretation as well as and most importantly alot of freedom to work with. he (like Topsy) is a great charactor. and I always like to try and while staying true to the charactor as much as I can, give him more depth. I also try not to make him into a badguy or anything. in Part 2, he gets reasonably angry and rightfully charges Tornetar. he isn't attacking with no reason. Tornetar killed his parents and Antagonised him about it. and he is a threat to Grandpa's friends and family. he is also trying to weaken Tornetar to make him easier to beat for Doc. I'm not trying to make Grandpa just attack like a wild phyco. he is rightfully angry. and hes trying to protect the ones that he loves. I think its what Grandpa Longneck would do if this was an actual movie or an episode of the TV series. I just want people to understand that.


Campion1

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Well, in any case. I await part 3 *coughing even louder*


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Quote from: Campion1,Aug 15 2010 on  03:04 AM
Well, in any case. I await part 3 *coughing even louder*
Man, you need to get that Caugh checked.

anyways. as promised heres Part 3!!!

THE LAND BEFORE TIME

The Bite Of Tornetar

Part 3

(Prologue)

Last Time On The Land Before Time. Decieving Chomper into moving a large boulder, Tornetar; a Giant Tyrannosaurid was released from a Cave that the Lone Dinosaur trapped him in many years ago. leading a great army of Sharpteeth and Fast Biters, and destroying a section of the Great Valley's wall. Tornetar waged a Bloody Battle against the inhabitance of The Great Valley. Spike heading back to his mom to help protect his family. Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, and Petrie set out to find Doc and after finding Ali's Herd, they begin a Trek back to the Great Valley, believing to never being able to find Doc in time. Grandpa Longneck fight Tornetar after the Giant Dinosaur taunted and Antagonised him for killing Grandpa's Parents. Trying to bide Littlefoot and the others time, and weaken Tornetar. meanwhile, the young dinosaurs and Ali's Herd are hit by a dust storm. the storm ends and the dust settles to reveal Doc walking twards them. CAN Littlefoot and the others Persuad Doc into helping them and to kill Tornetar? Or will the Great Valley be destroyed, and the Great Valley dinosaurs loose their lives, allowing Tornetar to rule the land? Find out in this exciting conclusion of The Land Before Time; The Bite Of Tornetar!

(Feel The Bite!)

on the way back to The Great Valley, a Dust Storm hits the seven young Dinosaurs and the Longneck herd.

"Everyone stay close! this storm should last long!" The Old One commanded.

Ducky began to spit perfusely as dirt and dust kept getting in her mouth.

"Yuck! Dust is getting in my Mouth! It Is, It Is!" Ducky yelled.

the Young dinosaurs ran under the Old One to be shielded from the dust storm. the dust storm settled and standing infront of them was Doc himself. Littlefoot was relieved to finaly find him. Doc looked down upon Littlefoot and smilled.

"Hello Kid. Hows it going?" Doc asked Littlefoot.

Littlefoot shook his head, "Bad, Theres a Giant Sharptooth in the Great Valley, along with houndreds more Sharpteeth. we need your help." Littlefoot replied.

Doc nodded and off they went, with a formable army, Littlefoot believed they had a chance, so long as they believed.

Meanwhile. Grandpa and Tornetar continued their battle. Grandpa though old had the upperhand. using his tail to trip Tornetar, Grandpa then raised his tail up there it stayed for a couple seconds. when Tornetar tried to get back up, Grandpa Slammed his tail back down upon the Tyrannosaur. "WHAM!!!" The Giant Tyrannosaur realised he needed to find a point of wich to attack before he gets hit again. Grandpa got up on his hind legs again, preparing to crush Tornetar with his front legs. Tornetar took the chance like a strike by a Viper, Tornetar lunged and bit Grandpa Longneck's left rear knee. unable to bare the pain Grandpa collapsed. Tornetar got to his feet. still woozy, he shook his head to get himself corrected. he looked at Grandpa longneck and Smiled. blood ran off of his teeth, both Grandpa's and his own from when Tosk broke one of his teeth. Tornetar began to advance twards the old longneck, although hurt, Granpa wasn't out yet.

Grandpa once again used his tail, swinging and slamming his tail on Tornetar's ankle "CRACK!" the giant tyrannosaur fell to the ground once more. Grandpa got up, he lemped twards the Valcano. Tornetar got up, but when he stood on his ankle he felt great pain, dispite his age, Grandpa's strong tail was able to sprain the Tyrannosaurid's ankle. he began to lemp as well. giving a slow yet antagonising chance to the old longneck.

"You can't run forever Longneck!" Tornetar yelled. "when I catch you... I'll Kill You!" the wounded Tyrannosaur yelled while Panting in a heavily manner.

Grandpa looked back.

"We'll see about that Tornetar!" Grandpa responded. "I've been in worser wear then this, and its still not gonna stop me!" Grandpa said, angering the Tyrannosaur even more.

the two continued on. Tornetar however began to tire. his ankle was hurting so bad he could barely stand it. Grandpa wasn't feeling any better either. his knee had stopped bleeding, but was verry tender. every bend of his knee hurt so bad, he was considering tearing off his own leg. Grandpa chuckled a bit of the idea, unknown if it was shock or if he wanted something to share he desided to share another word with his enemy.

"Heh, you know Tornetar? we might have it easier for us both if we just tor off our legs." Grandpa joked.

Tornetar, dispite hatting the old longneck chuckled as well.

"Yeah Maybe!" Tornetar replied.

the dinosaurs however, still continued the chase. the ground began to turn black and chared the land began to show the red vains of Magma bleeding from the earth. Grandpa just continued. he needed more time to gather his strength.

Meanwhile in the valley Littlefoot, Cera, Petrie, Ducky, and the herd of Longnecks finaly arrived. Doc looked around, his hard eyes couldn't believe the carnage.

"Wow kid. this is even worse then I thought." Doc said.

they looked around, they the young dinosaurs found the place where the adults fought Tornetar, the ground was turned to rubble. they found their parents alive and began to help out. meanwhile Ali's herd of Longnecks, led by The Old One, Fought the other sharpteeth and Fast Biters off. Littlefoot went looking around for his grandpa when he found a pile of rocks. worried it was his Grandpa, he began to dig. when the rocks came alive. but instead of his grandpa, Tosk arose from the Debres. he looked at littlefoot and smiled...

"Hey, Littlefoot. Ah man, I got a headach!" Tosk said with a rasp in his voice.

Littlefoot smilled for a bit glad to see a not everybody is dead.

"Hey Tosk, wheres my Grandpa? is he ok?" Littlefoot asked.

Tosk looked twards the Valcano. "Ofcourse!" he said to himself. "Littlefoot, your Grandpa is fighting Tornetar. while trying my best to get out. I saw him go twards the smoking Mountains." the Ankylosaur said to the young dinosaur.

Littlefoot looked twards the Valcano and began to worry.

"Then thats where I'm going." Littlefoot said to the Ankylosaur.

Tosk began to walk out of the rubble, he then recalculated his plan.

"If your going, then I have a plan you can tell your grandpa about." Tosk said to littlefoot.

Meanwhile, Grandpa walked around a large rock. he sat down for a break, he looked back and Tornetar was still after him. luckily, the Giant Sharptooth was so big and heavy, he was lagging behind due to the steapness of the mountain. Grandpa took the time to rest. he then looked at some large boulders and came up with a plan to help slow the Giant down even more, and to give him more time.

Tornetar kept limping. looking up he seemed to loose sight of the old longneck. confused he kept going.

"Whered he go?" The tyrannosaur said to himself. "maybe he desided to hide from me?" Tornetar thought.

Then a large boulder came rolling twards him. the boulder hit him so hard he began to roll back down the moutain. enraged he let out a loud roar.

"COWARD! Come out and face me!" Tornetar yelled to the sky.

then more boulders came rolling down the hill. the Evil Carnivore tried to run but his hurt ankle wouldn't allow it. the boulders hit him one by one till all of them hit him at once. the Carnivore layed there, not moving, but still breathing. Grandpa looked on the fallen Giant. he then sat to rest for a moment. keeping an eye on the fallen enemy. but only 30 seconds went by before Tornetar began to move once more. Grandpa sighed with frustration.

"Why don't Sharpteeth learn to stay down!?" Grandpa said to himself.

the longneck felt a little better. but was still tired. however he felt he could go on.

Tornetar got to his feet. he looked to see Grandpa continueing upward. Tornetar said nothing. the hate in his eyes where enough to tell he was angry. he continued upward, yet again giving chase. the chase was still slow. none of the two dinosaurs where able enough to run up the mountain. though their enjuries wheren't as bad as before, the mountain's steapness made it hurt the same.

minutes later Grandpa longneck finaly made it to the top of the valcano, he looked down to see the Valcano was still active. and looked as though it was ready to blow. the ground began to shake violently. Grandpa walked to find another way down. he then saw a good safe rout. but then Tornetar came around the corner of a large rock intending to bite down on Grandpa's neck. luckily the old Longneck ducked in time. Tornetar Roared so loud it drowned out the Valcano's own rumbling. Tornetar's mouth was salvating, his drool was mixed with blood. his eyes where white while the ring around his cornea and puples glowed red. the red glow of the Valcano's Magma eluminated the sky as well as the two dinosaurs. the black smoke ecuminated the air. the ground shook again and again.

"Now, Longneck. you will join your parents in Oblivion!" Tornetar said to Grandpa.

Grandpa grinned angerly. Tornetar began to run twards Grandpa Longneck, his mouth Opened, preparing to rip the old longneck's head off. Grandpa closed his eyes to accept his fate. he then heard a loud boom, and a loud screetch. he looked to see Tornetar laying on the ground. he looked to his left to see Doc, Littlefoot, Ali, and the rest of the children by his side.

"Remember the plan guys!" Littlefoot said.

Tornetar got up to his feet. roaring ferously. he then looked twards doc and was awstruck. he couldn't believe who he was looking at. when he finaly broke his silence with one sentence.

"Its... The Lone Dinosaur!" Tornetar wispered to himself.

The seven dinosaurs began hitting rocks with their tails. hoping to distract Tornetar. it worked when one of the rocks hit Tornetar's soar ankle. he roared in pain then tried to strike at Littlefoot and the others. but both Grandpa and Doc struck Tornetar with their tails. knocking the giant Tyrannosaur to the edge of the Valcano's mouth. Tornetar's weight caused the rockey ledge to crumble. but Tornetar got up and ran twards Littlefoot. but Grandpa, using his tail to scoop the little longneck up in time saved Littlefoot from Tornetar just when his jaws where over Littlefoot's head. Tornetar instead felt the tast of ash and rock. spitting out the disgusting debres Tornetar roared. Doc then began to pummel the Giant Sharptoothed dinosaur twards the edge of the Valcano's mouth. each hit took Tornetar back a few feet. Doc then hit Tornetar on the head a few times with his front feet. rearing up and clobbering the Terrorsaurus's head several times. till finaly only one more stike was needed. Doc then looked twards Grandpa.

"Care to finish this once and for all friend?" Doc asked Grandpa.

Grandpa nodded. "Don't mind if I do." Grandpa replied.

Grandpa Longneck reared back. not caring about his hurt knee. and with a mighty shove, Grandpa pushed Tornetar hard. the Giant Tyrannosaur slipped off the ledge of the Valcano, trying desperately to regain footing, grandpa once again swept his tail hitting the Giant in the face. Tornetar fell into the Valcano, letting out a loud, horrific scream. the Sharptooth fell into the molten lava. he screamed again till he was engulfed in fire and lava.

the ground began to shack again. all the dinosaurs ran back to the Great Valley as the Valcano eroupted. the lava spilled everywhere. the dinosaurs, using large boulders closed off the valley from the Molten lava. the lava covered the boulders and was diverded away.

the Dinosaurs where quickly reunited with their familys. Spike returned with his siblings and with his, and Ducky's mother completely safe. Tosk looked at the now closed off break in the Valley wall, then looked twards the other dinosaurs.

"The burning rocks will soon cool down. and the hole in the Great walls will be fixed. as the rocks underneath would be packed in. we won't have to worry about sharpteeth again." Tosk said.

weeks later, after the Walls where finaly fixed, and cleanup had finaly neared completion Littlefoot, His Grandma, and Grandpa ate in peace.

"Gee, I sure am glad we don't have to worry about Tornetar anymore." Littlefoot said.

"Me too dear. that horrible Sharptooth shall hurt no one anymore and forever." Grandma replied. "Right Grandpa?" She asked.

Grandpa looked twards the smoking moutains.

"I don't know Grandma. in this world. is anything ever forever?" Grandpa replied.

Littlefoot, Cera, Petrie, Ducky, Ruby, Chomper, and Spike run off to play. the day went on so well. a celebration started later in the evening.

Doc soon went off again. and Ali, her mom, and their respective herds left the Great Valley. the Valley was once again safe.

Meanwhile in the Valcano, the black smoke finaly died down. the Molten Lava was cooled down and was black and hard. the ground was petruded to reveal a Large burnt skeleton layed in the ash. the skeleton of Tornetar steamed from the heat. and a ghostly voice sounded yet again.

"I shall Rise.... Again!!!!" said the voice.

(The End)


Campion1

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Now that final fight was freaking epic. Grampa got the final strike. I wouldn't imagine him doing something like that, but I guess it makes sense for this guy in particular.

The things I could rack up against you is, Doc automatically joined them right after littlefoot asked. There was no disagreement or anything.  That and, after everything was said and done, everything went back to normal in just a few sentences. The kids started playing, doc left, and that was about it. There was no mention how grampa got over his wounds. Next thing I will mention is, the old one's group fight off the army in one sentence. This should have been epic, because fighting off an entire group of sharpteeth isn't a simple task. Final thing is typos, but that isn't worth killing over.

Overall, good story telling. You had them fight at an awesome location, and it wasn't pointless for grampa to head there.


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Quote from: Campion1,Aug 15 2010 on  03:54 AM
Now that final fight was freaking epic. Grampa got the final strike. I wouldn't imagine him doing something like that, but I guess it makes sense for this guy in particular.

The things I could rack up against you is, Doc automatically joined them right after littlefoot asked. There was no disagreement or anything.  That and, after everything was said and done, everything went back to normal in just a few sentences. The kids started playing, doc left, and that was about it. There was no mention how grampa got over his wounds. Next thing I will mention is, the old one's group fight off the army in one sentence. This should have been epic, because fighting off an entire group of sharpteeth isn't a simple task. Final thing is typos, but that isn't worth killing over.

Overall, good story telling. You had them fight at an awesome location, and it wasn't pointless for grampa to head there.
well, I was trying to wrap it up. but I also felt the fight with Tornetar was the truely epic fight.

I do admit Doc kinda agreed to fight a lil too quick. but I again I was trying to finish the story and I also wanted to get to the final sequence asap.

before you worry, I do plan to make a version of this fanfic in a seemless story. so I might be able to tie up some loose ends with it.

and Grandpa healed, cuz if you remember, he did stop bleeding. (Grandpa must be a fast healer) so I figured it was obvious to everybody that his wound has healed. because it is set a week or so after that battle.


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I can review this if you would like, but I must warn you that I praise and criticize equally for every one that I do.  I will tell you about all the things I think you did well and wrote well, but I will also bring up the areas that need improvement.  Is that fine with you?

Caustizer.


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Quote from: Caustizer,Aug 29 2010 on  11:59 AM
I can review this if you would like, but I must warn you that I praise and criticize equally for every one that I do.  I will tell you about all the things I think you did well and wrote well, but I will also bring up the areas that need improvement.  Is that fine with you?

Caustizer.
ofcourse, please. go ahead. :)


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LBT: Bite of Tornetar Review:

To start, I like to divide all my thorough reviews into three seperate parts:  Questions, Comments, and Quams.  Questions are neutral inquiries that I pose to learn more about the story, the author, or the writing style of the story.  Comments are things I liked and that the author did well on.  Quams are things I felt could have been done better, or improvements the author can make to their creations to make them better recieved or more readable.  Usually, 5 of each are given for the sake of fairness and balance in the review.

Note:  The Quams section can be quite penetrating.  Reacting to it defensively or holding the statements here against me will seriously impact my decision on whether to review the rest of your works.

Formalities aside, let's begin :angel

Questions:

1. How did you come up with the idea for Tornetar?

2. If the Lone Dinosaur defeated Tornetar when Grandpa Longneck was young, does that mean Doc is Immortal and/or does not age in the context of your story?

3. How long was Tornetar loose in the valley before he was finally defeated at the edge of the volcano?

4. How is Tornetar able to survive under a pile of rocks for two generations and remain coherant and aware of approachers?  Does this mean he is supernatural?

5. Why was Ali's herd so close to the Great Valley when these events occured? Was it coincidence, or was there some other reason that brought them close in their rounds?


Comments:

1. I must praise the highly original nature of the idea.  A giant sharptooth larger then any ever before is a theme that has not been explored in any fan-fics i know of, nor is it a possibility in the cannon lore presented in the movies and series.  Good creativity on your part.

2. The Artwork to accompany your story is extrordinary and realistic in comparason to existing interpretations of the dinosaurs. Well done!  With a bit of practise as well as connecting with other GOF artists for advice (Sky and Ptyra come to mind) you could become a valuable contributor to the Gang of Five art section.

3. Your story flows nicely, and reaches a satisfying conclusion in good time.  All the events occur in chronological order, and suffice to say rack up to produce a good LBT short story.  The continuity is addressed and addressed well, since the plot does not wander and tends to move onto important events at all junctures avoiding the small talk, idle banter, or otherwise unimportant things that happen during the course of the story.

4. You made a good effort to include original characters from mulitple movies, and have them act meaningfully during the story.  Doc is a good example, showing up like he always tends to do to save the day.  Ali is also mentioned, and the Old One plays a small but important part to your plotline.

5. Interesting new characters are presented that are worth a second look.  Thailog and Tosk both play meaningful parts in the story, if only to throw their warm bodies at Tornetar to buy some time.  I would have liked to see them developed more, but in the end it was a good breath of fresh air to have a couple of new Great Valley dinosaurs to rely on in a time of great need.  I'm glad they did not completely die, as their is oppurtinity for at least Tosk to return.

Quams:

1. The grammar in this story is atrocious, and at some points makes it difficult to follow.  Certain words like 'illuminated' are written as 'eluminated', which can sometimes make you confuse it at first glance for 'eliminated' clouding the true meaning of the story.  Make sure you edit your chapters carefully, and use a spell checker so possible readers aren't immediately turned off by your apparent lack of compitance in this area.

2. You place far too much emphasis on exclaimation points to express extreme emotion from characters, to the point where it makes some lines sound entirely unrealistc.  Take this bit for example:

Quote
"Hey Guys!" Littlefoot shouted to his friends.

"Hey littlefoot, we're about to go play a game, wanna join?" Cera asked.

"Sure!!!" Littlefoot replied with glee. then he remembered why he went to the thundering falls, "AAAH! I forgot, I got to take a bath."

Cera sighed out of impatiance. "Fine, we'll be over at the tall grass when your ready."

"OK! I'll be there soon." Littlefoot stated

Littlefoot shouts his lines four times in three lines of speech.  Four lines!?!  What starts to happen when you write like this is the readers fail to see real, vivid emotional moments when they happen...  your story just becomes one big conglomeration of shouting.  For your next installment, consider toning down your usage of this punctuation.

3. The timeline of the story moves far too quickly.  One line, the gang is together talking, the next, they are miles apart gathering herds of all different kinds for battle against Tornetar.  It would be nice if you included some line breaks or notable divisions between time periods to make the story easier to follow.

4. There are parts of the story where well known dinosaurs make some responses that are out of character, and simply don't make sense in regards to their usual attitude.  Good examples include Grandpa Longneck reacting too dramatically in fear when Littlefoot mentions Tornetar, as well as the giant sharptooth himself whispering in fear when the Lone Dinosaur shows up.  For a menacing killing machine, he seems awefully soft.

5. At the end of each chapter and at the beginning of each chapter there is a paragraph of either recap or preview.  This is not needed, and for chapters posted so close together (as in days apart) they are more annoying then helpful.  Giving away the events of the next chapter - in my experience - tends  to turn off readers from even looking at it because they already know whats gonna happen anyway.  Avoid doing this unless your installments are months apart, so returning readers can refresh their memory on what happened.


And so conlcludes my review.  I hope it was helpful, and I wish you the best of luck in your coming fan-fiction ventures. :angel

Caustizer