The Gang of Five
The Land Before Time => LBT Fanfiction => Topic started by: Serris on February 03, 2008, 05:54:57 PM
-
I know that I have made two disjointed topics (because I didn't have a title when I wrote the first chapter :bang ) on this and I thought it would be more streamlined to place them here.
It's also on fanfiction.net but I decided to do what Great Valley Guardian did and move it here (and I was motivated for the same reason-no reviews).
NOTE: I will replace the giant blocks of text with a simple link to the story because it is far too difficult to correct errors in them and there is less scrolling for the readers.
Author's notes will still remain.
-
Chapter 1 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/1/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ETA (15:16 - 2/9/08) Came up with a title for the chapter.
-
Chapter 2 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/2/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ETA (15:11 - 2/9/08) Came up with title for this chapter.
-
Chapter 3 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/3/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ETA: (15:18 - 2/9/08)
-
Chapter 4 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/4/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
The idea of flyers and smaller dinosaurs on their backs as a "Great Valley Air Force" was inspired by a scene from another fanfic.
Edit (2/7/08 - 20:10): Some slight grammatical errors corrected.
Edit (15:23 - 2/9/08): Added title to chapter.
-
Hello:
That's a great number of updates :^.^: , the story is going good, not even a bit of slow.
Keep it up, it looks quite interesting, and it appears that the rock did have some hidden powers :blink: .
-
That was an interesting read. As for some flyers able to carry some dinos, in one of the movies there was one large enough to carry Littlefoot, Cera, and Spike as I recall, so it is possible there are others able to carry 1 adult.
-
Chapter 5 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/5/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
This chapter is one of the most supernatural/surreal chapters I have written for this fan fic. Not to say that later chapters won't have a heavy supernatural element to them ;).
The idea of The Lone Dinosaur as a supernatural protector is based on LBT 6 and the associated legends that Littlefoot was told by his grandparents.
Also the necklace of sharpteeth teeth that I adorned him with is based on the appearance of Saurus Rock from LBT 6.
Also, I credit DarkHououmon for inspiring me to add a supernatural edge to The Lone Dinosaur. (His version was The Lone Dinosaur as a wandering ghost)
On (18:29 - 5/15/08) I changed Raptix's appearence (gave him a coat of purple-blue feathers) to reflect the fact that real dromeosaurs had feathers (I think he looks better with a coat of feathers :lol). Yes, I know that Deimos (a sickleclaw or a Deinonychus is also a dromeosaur but I'm not going to give him a coat of feathers (he wouldn't look so great with feathers). Also all fast-biters (usually Velociraptors) will be depicted with feathers in this story.
"Spike-Frill" is the LBT name for Styracosaurus
Edit (17:05 - 2/11/08): Changed title due to conflict with DarkHououmon's fan fic.
Edit (2:12 - 2/16/08): Added more to the chapter.
Edit (16:57 - 2/16/08): Slight typo corrected.
Edit (16:10 - 3/12/08): Chapter completed.
Edit: (18:01 - 3/12/08): Slight typo corrected.
Edit: (18:29 - 5/15/08): Changed Raptix's appearence.
-
In some universes there may be a strong supernatural elements or presense in LBT. In others likely not. Just my take on it. I liked reading the chapter, though I classify it as not taking place in one of the pure lbt earths but one of the other ones. Not worst then them, just in a different lbt earth where some of the physical laws are different.
-
Hello:
When reading a story, it is always necessary to be open to what the author have to offer, then we decide to keep on reading or not.
So far it looks good, that chapter do change the vision we have on the Lone Dinosaur by giving him a more mystic feel to it's legend. Keep it up!
-
After 1 month of delays, chapter 5 is now finished!
-
Chapter 6 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/6/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
The idea of medicinal plants was inspired by LBT 6 (The song "Bad Luck" has Ducky and Spike sporting leaf bandages).
Edit (12:48 - 3/23/08) - slight word deletion
-
An interesting read, thanks. They did do that in that movie, also in the tv episode, The Great Log Running Game Tria/Tricia (whichever is the older pink threehorn's name) puts some leaves on Cera's sprained ankle to help ease the pain. So it seems a thing known to some adults to at least some extent. Though likely some would know more about this then others.
-
After a bunch of delays I present Chapter 7 of Twilight Valley. Be warned this chapter does contain some language and is quite a bit more violent and graphic than the other chapters.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 7 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/7/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's notes:
The idea of military style training was taken from another LBT fan fic (War of the Worlds by Falcon88).
I like to thank Dark Pterano (FF.net name: Dark Fox Tailz) for suggesting the idea of Ozzie and Strut periodically engaged in combat throughout the story <this is the 1st combat between them>.
The idea of Sierra and Rinkus dropping their foes from a great height had some inspiration from LBT 2 (Ozzie threatens to throw Littlefoot off a cliff).
Edit - (5/9/08 - 16:56): added accidentally deleted passage
-
Each chapter takes a few weeks to complete because I have very limited time.
On a side note, I'm currently working on Chapter 8 of Twilight Valley.
Don't be shy about leaving reviews, I can take them.
I'm open to suggestions and ideas. Hell, maybe even your OC may make it in I like him/her.
I'll give a little teaser of the upcoming chapters:
There's going to be a large battle and an exodus from the Great Valley (Great Valley dinos leave).
You'll meet green team, black team, red squadron and yellow team.
Green team is going to appear first.
-
Very good story! I'm sorry I didn't review this sooner!
-
Please update again soon.
-
Chapter 8 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/8/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
I gave Raptix a coat of purple-blue feathers.
See:
On (18:29 - 5/15/08) I changed Raptix's appearence (gave him a coat of purple-blue feathers) to reflect the fact that real dromeosaurs had feathers (I think he looks better with a coat of feathers). Yes, I know that Deimos (a sickleclaw or a Deinonychus is also a dromeosaur but I'm not going to give him a coat of feathers (he wouldn't look so great with feathers). Also all fast-biters (usually Velociraptors) will be depicted with feathers in this story.
EDIT (5/27/08 - 21:38) - Revamped chapter (continuty error and unfinished sentence fixed)
EDIT (7/21/08 - 20:23) - Continuity error fixed
-
Chapter 9 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/9/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
Again, I would like to credit Falcon88 for the idea of military style training.
Deimos's tenets of fighting and fighting style are inspired by Krav Maga (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krav_Maga)
The idea of Raptix wagging his tail at inappropriate times has been considered as a running gag in this work.
Dark Pterano (FF.net name: Dark Fox Tailz) deserves all credit for naming the Great Valley airforce. His name: Great Valley Air Corps
Dark Pterano (FF.net name: Dark Fox Tailz) also deserves credit for the idea of a Ozzie v. Strut fight where Strut accidentally destroys an egg he's supposed to be protecting.
Edit - (19:48 - 6/21/08) - revamped passage
Edit - (1:18 - 7/3/08) - added more Author's Notes
-
man, awesome story, mate! cannot wait for chapter 10. please post it soon! :D
-
Chapter 10 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/10/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
Ms. Maia's downright cruel behavior is somewhat inspired by LBT 6. There, she literally picks up and throws Ducky out of her (Ms. Maia's) nest when Ducky is searching for the twins.
Banishment as a punishment is inspired by LBT 7
Edit - (1:21 - 7/3/08) - added more to Author's Notes
Edit - (1:28 - 7/3/08) - fixed slight grammatical error
-
bump for this awesome fanfic. chapter 11 please!!!! :)
-
Here it is! The long awaited Chapter 11.
I have to warn you, this chapter contains blood and a high level of violence.
--------------------
Chapter 11 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/11/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
--------------------
Author's Notes:
Again, Ms. Maia is depicted in a very cruel manner, inspired by LBT 6.
The reaction of Littlefoot to the insult "flathead" may be a little extreme but since it is the equivalent of a racial slur, it may be justified.
The dinosaurs have technology that is roughly equivalent to the Stone Age. This is an original idea and has no basis in the canon.
-
Aw, man! That sure was violent. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment. We'll soon find out Ozzie's fate. Dang! That Ms. Maia sure is a meanie :mad!
-
Good chapter! :yes
-
So what do you think of the original characters?
And what scenes stuck out the most for you?
-
I'd have to say Strut torturing Ozzie was an interesting read. I can't imagine what Mr. Threehorn has in store for Ozzie :o. I normally do not find torture scenes to be humorous, but this line got a snort out of me:
“You are a worthless…’ Ozzie began but was cut off by Strut, who promptly kicked him, hard, in the groin.
“I hope you don’t need that.”
Don't even get me going on Ms. Maia :mad. She was asking for it, and Littlefoot gave her only a fraction of what she deserves <_<.
Well written chapter, Serris :yes.
-
I've actually heard my fan fiction described as "you took Land Before Time and made it into Apocalypse Now" and "you're taking LBT and turning it into Full Metal Jacket".
Do you guys think that these 2 quotes are an accurate depiction of my fan fiction?
-
having not seen either of those movies, i cant comment on that :). fromwhat ive seen with other LBT fanfics though, yours is excellent. you try to stay wihin the boundries of the LBT universe, and give a realistic feel as to what war in the LBT world would be like, imo. the story is believable, the characters have depth, everything is very detailed. keep it up mate :). cant wait for chapter 12!
-
Here it is! Chapter 12!
WARNING! This chapter contains multiple scenes of intense violence.
-----------------------------------------------------
Chapter 12 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/12/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
Ducky's mother fighting with twin sticks was somewhat inspired by Escrima.
I drew inspiration for the battle scenes from the Matrix, Lord of the Rings and various other movies.
The idea of the dinosaurs wearing "holsters" made out of leaves to carry weapons and using a vine to carry a larger weapon like a tree branch is adapted from modern warfare.
The dinosaur who has 3 stone throwing knives in a pouch strapped to his upper arm is a nod to a Metal Gear Solid trailer that depicted Raiden and Vamp fighting (Vamp has a pouch on his arm that he carries 3 throwing knives in).
Cloud Island is a reference to Jurassic Park
-----------------------------------------------------
EDIT (10/12/08 - 23:54) - added extra author's notes.
-
I can't wait to see what happens next. I just kope Chomper makes it out OK :( This is the second fanfic I've read where he's been kidnapped, the little sharptooth doesn't deserve it :(
-
Nice chapter, Serris :yes! Yeah, I sure do hope both Chomper and Ducky make it out alright :unsure: :(.
-
Chapter 13!!!! aww man, poor Chomper, he doesnt deserve anything like that :(
-
See this link for the question I posed (http://www.gangoffive.net/index.php?topic=2535):
-
Ok, this is more a of a poll type question:
How do you think the use of stone age weaponry and technology fits into this fan fiction?
-
You mean like flame-tipped branches or spears? That'd be pretty cool. But I don't think the dinosaurs would be able to come with that on their own. Maybe if a tree gets struck by lightning or something, and they realize that the fire would be useful to carry around.
-
I should clarify, I actually put the stone age weaponry in. I just wanted the opinions on this decision.
-----
Actually since Dromaesaurs were quite intelligent,I'll have Deimos (Utahraptor) come up with the "idea" of fire (although it's implied Mr. Bigmouth already knows how to use, control and start fires <See Chapter 11>).
As for spears and stone knives, again playing on Dromaesaur intelligence, Deimos gets credit (again implied that Mr. Bigmouth also knows how to make stone weapons).
As for the discovery of fire, maybe Deimos accidentally sets fire to some dried leaves when he's making a spearhead.
Also implied that the enemy forces can use stone age weapons too (See chapter 11).
And what could the dinosaurs' inspiration for stone-tipped or wooden spears or stone knives?
-
Chapter 13 is up!
Chapter 13 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/13/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
Author's Notes:
The whole idea of "making of stone tools and accidentally starting a fire" was inspired by an episode of Tarzan: The Animated TV Show
The idea dinosaurs using tree branches as torches was inspired by the modern Furry novel If Animals Could Speak.
The very affectionate scene between Raptix and Deimos was not intended to be HoYay (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HoYay).
-
Arrgh! I'd just love to kick the snot out of Ms. Maia right now :anger! I can't believe the way she treated poor Ducky! I hope those fastbiters turn against that, well, you-know-what. That'd be an interesting plot twist :idea. Another good chapter indeed :yes.
-
not quite as epic as the previous few chapters, but still good nonetheless :D.
plot twist with Ms Maia! grr i hate her.
bring on chapter 14 xD
-
One word that describes Ms. Maia: COWARD! Two reasons: Ducky is bound so she cannot fight back, and she's not as strong of a fighter. A suggestion: in a future chapter, have a battle scene in which Ducky really opens up a can of whoopa** on Ms. Maia and wins :yes. It would only seem fitting for the hostage to seek vengeance on the assailant. Okay, I'll stop before this thread becomes a Ms. Maia-bashing thread. I still despise that meanie nonetheless :anger. Can't wait to see the next chapter.
-
Can't wait to see Chomper and Ducky fre. They're pretty much the nicest dinos in the world, they don't deserve it
-
Cancerian Tiger, death for Ms. Maia or no?
I had intended for Strut to kill Ms. Maia (not until much later) and Ducky to kill Procella (the black sickleclaw). Only Procella will die for now.
By the way, Procella will be doing most of the torture on Ducky (including one rather nightmarish scene where Procella kills and eats Ducky's brother in front and she's forced to watch.)
Ms. Maia will be dealing with Chomper. She also does some rather evil things to him (one of which is beating Chomper so severely his rescuers think he's dead).
And yes, I WANT people to hate these two characters so much that people WANT them dead.
Cancerian Tiger, Ms. Maia actually is quite good at hand-to-hand combat (justified by how all the Great Valley dinos got trained in hand-to-hand combat at Deimos's suggestion). She's not as good as Ducky (can't justify why) but she compensates by fighting very, very dirty.
-
First of all, though I'm not telling ya what to do in regard to your fanfic, I have stated that I do not appreciate nor support the death of ANY of the original LBT cast, especially the Gang. The murder of (Spike, I'm assuming) is something I'm not certain I could stomach reading :x. However, this is your fanfic, so do whatever ya please. Yeah, I truly despise Ms. Maia and she deserves to get her a** kicked or even eaten, but should Ms. Maia lose her life for her dirty deeds? I'm torn on this. Sorry if that does not help. Ducky becoming a murderer? Yeesh! I dunno about that :unsure:. Perhaps a fastbiter could get pissed off at Procella for eating his most anticipated dinner (if you're going through with the murder) and tear Procella to shreds for eating his next meal and spare Ducky. If Ms. Maia is to get whacked, go forward with your intention of Strut doing the job. A suggestion: before he finishes Ms. Maia off, allow him to give Ducky the honors of giving her many swift kicks to the ribs :anger. That hurts like a you-know-what, and after she put poor Ducky through that, it only seems fair. This is all the advice I can think of for now. I'll post later as more ideas (and chapters) come along :yes.
-
The sibling getting eaten is not Spike.
About Ducky becoming a murderer, she has already killed someone. In chapter 12 ( Battle for the Great Valley), she, along with Hyp and Mutt beat a sickleclaw to death.
I had planned for Ducky to kill Procella during the melee that erupts when the rescue team interrupts Ducky's and Chomper's interrogation/indoctrination. Ms. Maia will escape and Ducky is freed by Strut.
While Strut is fighting with the enemy forces, Procella will attack Ducky with a torch. Ducky will seize a stone knife used for preparing herbal medications and stab Procella to death with it. She will then collapse from a combination of the strain of battle and the abuse that she's been through.
I won't spoil the rest.
-
Are there any suggestions that you want to make?
As for the characterization of Ms. Maia, how does this passage fit her:
(Chomper and Ducky are tied to rocks and being interrogated on Cloud Island at this point.)
Ms. Maia grinned. “Comfortable?”
“Pretty good, considering that fact that I’m tied to a rock!” Chomper spat.
Ms. Maia chuckled. “So. Have you met our other guest?”
“If you harm Littlefoot, I will rip your damned head off and eat it!”
“Go screw yourself.” Chomper muttered under his breath. His insult earned him a swift kick to the ribs from Ms. Maia.
“Tsk. Tsk. Such rudeness.”
-
I applaud Chomper for saying that, just don't let him die please. :(
-
Here it is! Chapter 14.
Admittedly, this is not my best work but I finished literally a minute ago.
You'll have to wait until chapter 15 to see what happens to Chomper and Ducky and how the Great Valley dinosaurs are doing.
-------------------
Chapter 14 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/14/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-------------------
Author's Notes:
The sparring match was inspired by the Twilight Valley RP going on in the LBT Role Play section.
Chomper's rather brutal death threat to Ms. Maia seems a little extreme but may be justified by how he was held captive.
The falling wood spike trap was my own invention.
I intended for Mr. Bigmouth's grove to be the "R&D labs" of the Great Valley. Hence the stone spearheads, the calabashes, the herbs, Mr. Bigmouth's attempt to destroy some of the materials and the enemy dinosaurs rooting through the ashes.
-
Oh, goodness! I'm already feeling for Ducky :(. That'll most likely be terrible to her mental health, given her sweet and gentle nature. That Ms. Maia and Procella are REALLY taking things too far now and need to get their a**es kicked :anger! This last chapter has left me thinking, "How far does a person have to go before their victim feels that itch to whack them?"
-
I was wondering, is this too brutal?
Chapter 15 sample: Sierra, Rinkus, Ozzie, and 2 sickleclaws (Dromaeo and Achilles) encounter and kill a Great Valley guard.
Achilles looked at the dying Swimmer. “No sense in wasting good meal.”
Dromaeo leapt upon the dying Swimmer and began gorging himself.
“Hey! Save some for me!”
Dromaeo obliged by decapitating the Swimmer and handing the head to Achilles. “Enjoy.”
Achilles shrugged and began eating.
-
No it doesn't look too brutal to me, in fact it look's okay to me. Besides I've seen/read stories that are worse? Plus I hope you get the next chapter up soon!
-
Yeah, I've read MUCH worse. Do as ya wish.
-
Trust me, that's practically tame compared to other things I've read/watched.
-
Here it is! Chapter 15!
WARNING! This chapter contains some brief strong language and some fairly graphic and disturbing scenes.
-----------------------------------------------------
Chapter 15 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/15/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
Achilles is an Achillobator (hence his name)
The tactic of poisoning the water supply was inspired by Brekclub's Sharptooth Valley fan fic.
The two Claw Valley herbalists are named after 2 different poisonous plants.
Tree branch torches are inspired by the Furry novel If Animals Could Speak. However, the idea of using plant based fuels to make the torches burn hotter and brighter is an original idea.
-----------------------------------------------------
ETA (1/10/09) - 17:55 (added more Author's Notes)
-
Aw, man! Poor Ducky :cry2. This is getting more interesting. Keep the chapters coming :D!
-
Man, Ms. Maia is messed up! :blink:
BTW, I'm very flattered that you based a portion of your fanfic off mine.
-
Sorry I did not further elaborate lastnight. I became ill by reading that. That statement is not meant to be negative. I am usually unphased by blood and gore. It was the thought of poor Ducky witnessing that which made me sick. Poor girl. Not many stories impact me this much, so this says you're a great writer, and very descriptive at that :yes. Don't feel upset about what happened to me. Take that as a compliment, for you're a great writer indeed :yes. This is getting more and more interesting and suspensful. Keep 'em coming!
-
Okay here's a little preview of Chapter 16.
1.) Expedition team has partially been decided. Still debating whether to add Spike in or not.
2.) Characters from LBT 9 and LBT 4 will make an appearance. They will not be expected ones.
-
When will Zelda and Guido appear?
-
Hey Chomper4
I'm sorry to say but Guido's not going to be in the story as far as I know of. And who's Zelda?
-
Zelda from Legend Of Zelda.
-
I'm sorry to say but Guido's not going to be in the story as far as I know of.
Hey, you never know. But the chance is quite remote that I'm adding him in.
And no Zelda WILL not appear. This is a pure non-cross over LBT fan fic.
And yes, Spike is confirmed for the expedition team BUT there is one more surprise on the expedition team.
-
Here it is! Chapter 16!
WARNING! This chapter contains some drug use.
-----------------------------------------------------
Chapter 16 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/16/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
The effects of the plant that Deimos chews and lodges under his tongue are intended to be similar to the effects of chewing coca leaves. See here for details (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coca#Traditional_uses)
Ali X Littlefoot is such a common shipping that it's become a staple of fan fiction. Hence the Ali and Littlefoot scene. Besides even a war story could use some romance.
-----------------------------------------------------
ETA (2/4/09) - 17:01 (added more Author's Notes)
-
Very good chapter, Serris! :) Keep 'em coming.
-
Well, I can see I'm doing my job if people are hating Ms. Maia. :lol
As for Chapter 17... I'm working on it. You'll meet 2 new characters from the movies.
-
Here's Chapter 17: Chapter 17 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/17/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
Enjoy!
And I am sorry that I could not keep my promise of adding 2 new characters from the movies. I hope you are satisfied with 1 new character from the movies.
-------------------------
Author's Notes
The appearance of the sickleclaw Manhattan was somewhat inspired by Dr. Manhattan of Watchmen. His name was chosen as a complement to his companion's name (Utah).
Coda is the name I gave Ms. Mama (the female Diplodocus from LBT 9)
The Great Sky-Water refers to the monsoon that flooded part of the Great Valley in LBT 9.
-
Chapter 18 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/18/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
Enjoy!
-----------
Author's Notes:
"Crested Swimmer" is the LBT name for a Corythosaurus.
The idea of dinosaurs using different "technology" is an extension of the idea that LBT dinos would have different cultures.
-
Another interesting chapter :yes. I wonder if the three prisoners will team up with Chomper and Ducky to kick A** :idea.
-
How far should I take the weaponry? I will not exceed the stone age but it is divided into 3 eras and each era is more advanced.
Should I allow the use of slings (and give the Great Valley and Claw Valley each a slinger corps?). Not sure how the dinosaurs could come up with the idea of slings.
I'm fairly certain that bows and arrows are out.
------------
Also, I have played around with the idea of a "legendary weapon": a meteoric iron sword or spear. There will probably only be 1 or MAYBE 2 in the story.
Yes, meteoric iron is very rare but I don't see why it doesn't exist in their world.
Now the problem is how do the dinosaurs know how to forge an iron meteorite into a weapon?
Why meteoric iron? Well, it's the only source of metal the dinosaurs have and I am not going to have the dinosaurs start prospecting/mining for metals in their native state and obviously, they don't know how to smelt ores.
Now, I don't know which side to give it to.
-
I think you sould just keep it, the way it is now and forget about using the meteoric iron? Because if you keep adding more weapons. The story won't be as believable, I mean their dinosaurs and weapons like swords, just might be a little too much to handle!
If you have to add a couple of more weapons, just use the slings and spears, but the spears sould only be make out of wood.
-
I agree with Dark Pterano :yes.
-
Okay, "legendary weapons" (i.e. meteoric iron) are out. Slings will be used (discovered by accident). Oh, the dinosaurs generally use stone tipped spears.
----------------------
Chapter 19 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/19/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley).
Enjoy.
-------------------------
Author's Notes:
The "breath" of the "breathing lake" refers to a limnic eruption.
-
I have to agree with that one part in chapter nineteen, Mr. Threehorn can be a real ignorant bastard at times?
And here's an idea for you to use later on, since your going to have some the Claw Valley dino's get a wish off of the stone of cold fire. Because a while back you did say something about Sierra getting a wish off of it. I was thinking that some of the Great Valley dino's sould secretly sneak in with or without / by a flyer and get a wish off it too.
But only after Pterano gets a wish off of the stone of cold fire. In fact I think these names sould get a wish, that way these four fights between these eight dino's could / would be epic for the final battle near the end of the story!
Sierra vs. Pterano
Littlefoot vs. Excidium
Strut vs. Ozzie
Deimos vs. Phobos
-
Good to see Chomper and Ducky involved in the story again, I just hope Chomper doesn't turn evil or anything.
-
Finally an update! That's sad, picturing an emeciated and tortured Ducky :cry. I really wish she was in shape to kick a** like the others. Will the new trio of prisoners help Ducky and Chomper conduct a prison break? That'd be cool :idea! Nice update, BTW :yes!
-
Warning: this chapter contains some intense and graphic violence.
Here it is: Chapter 20 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/20/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
On a side note: The story stands at 82,081 words. There is an EXTREMELY high chance that it will exceed 100,000 words.
And as I have said: thank you to all the fans of this story!
------------------------
Author's Notes:
Thanks to Cancerian Tiger for the idea of a prison break.
Thanks to Dark Pterano for Iquan's riddle and the idea of a riddle as a puzzle.
Spikethumb = Iguanadon
The idea of a challenge with the leader of a herd was borrowed from Star Fox Adventures
The vine slings are from the Twilight Valley RP.
The idea of "taunt the enemy until they get mad and attack you" was inspired by Treasure Planet.
-
Thanks to Cancerian Tiger for the idea of a prison break.
It certainly turned out greater than I had imagined :yes. They outta get Ducky some food soon :(. Great chapter! This just keeps getting better and better ;).
-
Good chapter, glad to see Chomper and Ducky are finally free! :)
-
It certainly turned out greater than I had imagined :yes. They outta get Ducky some food soon :(. Great chapter! This just keeps getting better and better ;).
Thanks. How did you imagine the prison break?
-
I had imagined either Ed, Vio and Rytho would either somehow snipe the guards from a distance or snek out while the guards were sleeping.
Listen, I came up with an idea for a scene for the next chapter while I was at work yesterday. It's at your discretion as to whether or not to use it. I have a rep (so does my writing) for being an emotional person, so if it's too dramatic, feel welcome to make changes. If ya don't use it, I won't be offended ;). If it is used, feel free to use it verbatim. Anyhoo, here it is:
Chomper, Vio, Ed, Rytho and a weak emaciated Ducky had travelled deep into the forest by the time the Bright Circle had risen. Everything seemed to be going fine, until Ducky felt an overwhelming sense of weakness and dizziness.
“Ugh,” she gasped quietly as she collapsed to the ground, nearly taking Ed down with her. They put their weapons down quickly before Vio and Ed gently turned her onto her back.
“Ducky! Are you okay?!” Vio called out as he crouched down next to her.
“I’m not going to make it,” she whispered. She was terribly pale and gaunt. Vio rested a clawed hand on her forehead.
“You’ll make it, Ducky. We’re gonna get out of here. Ed! Rytho! Find some green food quickly!”
Ed and Rytho, who had also crouched next to Ducky, jumped up and went to find the most succulent green food they could find. Chomper came up to Vio and Ducky.
“Will she be alright?” Chomper asked out of concern for his friend. Vio nodded.
“Yeah, as long as we get some food in her soon. B******s! I can’t believe they did this to you, Ducky. They’ll pay with their lives for sure!” said Vio.
Upon hearing that, Ducky thought about her brother, Saurolo, who had been murdered in cold blood. She suddenly began to cry harshly.
“Ducky, what’s the matter?” asked Vio. Ducky said nothing for a few moments before she began.
“My…my brother…Saurolo. He…was killed,” she sobbed.
“What?!” gasped Vio.
“Yes,” Ducky choked. “They could not get me to talk, so they killed him…right in front of me. He… was gutted then decapitated. This is mostly his blood on me.” She was crying harder by that point.
“Shh,” soothed Chomper as he rested a hand on Ducky’s shoulder. “Don’t cry so hard, Ducky. You haven’t much strength.”
“Let her grieve,” Vio said compassionately. “Don’t worry, Ducky. We’ll get those damn b******s for this. Your brother’s death will be avenged.” Just then, Ed and Rytho returned with an abundance of succulent green food.
“Look what we’ve brought, Ducky,” said Rytho. He and Ed then noticed Ducky’s harsh crying, along with Vio and Chomper comforting her.
“What’s wrong?” asked Ed.
“Her brother was killed right in front of her in those a**holes’ attempts to get her to talk. That’s why she’s bloody,” explained Vio.
“Aw, we’re sorry, Ducky. We’ll get ëem back, but for now, try to eat something,” soothed Rytho.
“I don’t know if I can. Poor Saurolo,” Ducky sniffled.
“C’mon, Ducky. This is life or death,” said Ed. Ducky looked even more pitiful than before. He and Rytho brought the food over and sat down next to Ducky.
“Here, let me help you,” soothed Vio as he carefully lifted Ducky to a sit up position and held her. He could care less if she was messy or not. She needed support more than ever, and he knew she was on the brink of death. Ducky tried to lift her hand to pick up some green food but to no avail.
“I can’t do it,” she whispered. “I’m done for.”
“Oh, no you’re not. Stop thinking like that. Ed, give me some of that green food,” ordered Vio. Ed did as told.
“C’mon, Ducky. This green food is very luscious. You’ll enjoy it,” said Vio just before he fed Ducky a mouthful of green food. She slowly chewed before it went down.
“That is good. Can I have some more?” she asked weakly.
“As much as you can eat, Ducky,” soothed Vio as Ed gave him more green food. It took a while, but Ducky managed to eat most of the green food. Vio, Ed, Rytho and Chomper all smiled in a pleased fashion.
“Feel better?” asked Vio as he gently rubbed Ducky’s abdomen.
“Food wise,” Ducky replied, this time with more strength in her voice. “But I could use a bath right now.”
“Hey, Ed and I found a stream nearby when we were getting green food,” said Rytho.
“Outstanding. Help me get her up,” Vio ordered. Ed and Rytho did as told. Once Ed managed to walk Ducky over to the stream and help her sit down in the water, she began to scrub herself off. As she did that, Saurolo’s blood and her own blood drifted down the stream. She began to cry again. She had been very close to her brother, and even blamed herself for his murder. She loved him, along with her other siblings, very much. Her heart wrenched as she thought of him. “I’m sorry, Saurolo. Please forgive me,” she sniffled as she finished bathing. Meanwhile, a short distance downstream, the others were silent as they frequently glanced over at Ducky.
“I feel so bad for her,” said Rytho.
“I know it,” agreed Vio.
“This is a sad time for her, but she’s tough. She’ll get over this quickly,” added Ed.
“No, Ed,” replied Chomper. “I’ve known Ducky since we were very young. She’s the most sensitive dinosaur I have ever known, and family means so much to her. It will take her many bright circles to get over her brother’s death. We have to be strong for her.” Chomper looked over at Ducky again and noticed she was trying to get up but was having difficulty.
“Hey, she’s done. Let’s go help her,” Chomper said as he began to walk over to Ducky. The others followed. Ducky looked up as they came over to her. As they helped her up, they noticed she was crying again.
“It’s okay, Ducky,” Chomper whispered as he embraced her. She returned the gesture. The others could not help but notice the markings she had received as a result of being tortured.
"Those b******s are really asking for an a** kicking!" growled Rytho, smashing his right fist into his left hand.
"Count me in!" agreed Ed.
“Not just yet, guys. Let’s allow her to rest up,” said Vio. They then walked Ducky a few feet away from the stream before lowering her down.
“Sleep well, Ducky. We’ll keep watch,” Chomper soothed just before he nuzzled Ducky’s head.
“Yeah, we will,” added Vio, gently rubbing Ducky’s back. "If those b******s come anywhere near you, we’ll take care of them.”
“Thank you,” whispered Ducky.
“Don’t worry, Ducky,” said Rytho as he gave Ducky’s hand a light squeeze.
“Be not afraid, for we’ll protect you,” added Ed as he patted Ducky’s shoulder.
“Thanks again, guys,” Ducky whispered nearly inaudibly as she fell asleep.
“You’re quite welcome,” said Vio. “C’mon, guys. Hold your weapons and keep your eyes peeled.” As they sat, their backs turned to Ducky as they kept her surrounded, could not help but glance at her now and then. The thought of what those evil monsters had put her through only made their hunger for vengeance intensify.
-
Thank you so much, Cancerian Tiger! I LOVE it, I edited some grammatical errors and filled in the obscenities in my draft.
There's a good chance you'll see it used.
Also, feel free to offer suggestions or even drafts of plots.
-
You're welcome :yes!
Yeah, I had read over the scene and spotted grammatical errors. I was editing them when ya posted, but that's okay. It's nice to have a proofreader ;). As for the obscenities, I censored them due to the GOF rules and the possibility of children reading these posts. I also realized I forgot to include Ducky's catchphrases. Oops :bang!
I'll keep adding suggestions and/or drafts in mind as the fanfic comes along ;)! Keep up the great work :yes!
-
Chapter 21 is up!
Chapter 21 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/21/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-------------------------------
Author's Notes:
Major thanks to Cancerian Tiger for providing me with a draft to work with. Her draft appears in the beginning/middle with little modification.
Penthium tree takes its name from the sedative Sodium Pentothal.
-
Nice chapter :yes! I liked the addition of finding the herbs for Ducky.
-
Well, as the conclusion of chapter 21 shows, there's going to be a battle between the Great Valley and Claw Valley expedition teams. I have considered making it a 3 way battle (3rd party: group of hostile Mysterious Beyond dinosaurs <possibly 1 species like Iquan's and Altus's herds>. Erm, what herds are there in the MB?). Let me know what you all think about a triple battle.
-
Aw right! Chapter 22 is up!
-----------------
Warning: Contains hints of suicide
Chapter 22 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/22/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
Enjoy.
---------------------
Author's Notes:
The "never surrender" line at the end of the chapter was inspired by the Halo 2 track called, appropriately, "Never Surrender" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LNNJqSzkeY). Interestingly, I was listening to that track as I was writing it.
The sticks laced with pieces of rock are from the Twilight Valley RP.
-
Loved the latest chapter :yes! Geez, that battle scene was very intense, especially the airborne combats, but it was awesome ;). That last part that involved Ducky having thought of taking herself out was sad. It actually made me cry, but that's a good thing. I seldom ever cry from movies or stories, so that means the scene is really powerful, at least in my opinion. A great update overall. I'm glad you're writer's block lifted :yes.
-
A very interesting concept. You have good taste in war music from what I heard of that Halo track (I myself have never played Halo though).
-
Well, thanks for the feedback!
Erm, would the thought of Ducky participating in some military action be too disturbing? I'm not going to have her kill anyone (at least not yet) but she will be assisting in sabotage (destroying stockpiles, weapons etc.)
-
I'd say go for it :D!
-
Chapter 23 is online!
--------------------------
Chapter 23 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/23/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
--------------------------
Author's Notes:
Thanks to Cancerian Tiger for these two ideas which have been implemented:
Ducky sabotaging enemy supplies.
Ambush on the protagonists, followed by hand to hand combat.
The beachside encampment was based off my main camp in the Wii game Sims 2: Castaway.
Leaf sled was inspired by LBT V (Chomper uses a leaf sled to carry food to his friends). Rytho doing the same is a direct homage to that scene.
-
Another great chapter :yes. Dangit! Why did that loathsome Ms. Maia and her minions have to show up?! They spoiled the moment :p. Well, looks like it's butt-kickin' time (insert kung fu emoticon) :D!
-
Well I have to say another great chapter. :yes :yes :yes :) :) :) :yes
-
Here's a bit of trivia for fans:
The title of the fan fiction was intended to refer to the "new name" of the Great Valley in a wartime situation.
Then "Twilight Valley" was changed to an actual valley (possibly a valley that Claw Valley has conquered).
For now, the title simply refers to how the Great Valley's normally joyful atmosphere is darkened by war, but yet a bright spot of hope exists amidst the darkness.
However, I may decide to add in Twilight Valley as a location but I am undecided.
-
Chapter 24 is online!
And Twilight Valley has broken the 100,000 word barrier (102,398 words to be exact.)
--------------------------
Chapter 24 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/24/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
--------------------------
Author's Notes:
The motive for GV dinosaurs to defect can be assumed to be hatred for the leadership of the Great Valley.
-
Another nice chapter :yes! Looks like Ms. Maia underestimated the protagonists :p. Sheesh! I would not want to piss off Ed either, after what he did to that sickleclaw :o.
-
I'm really enjoying this story. It's especially fun to read after I get off a long shift at work. Thanks for writing it!
-
I read and reviewed ch.24 the story's climax is really getting good
-
Well, as the conclusion of chapter 21 shows, there's going to be a battle between the Great Valley and Claw Valley expedition teams. I have considered making it a 3 way battle (3rd party: group of hostile Mysterious Beyond dinosaurs <possibly 1 species like Iquan's and Altus's herds>. Erm, what herds are there in the MB?). Let me know what you all think about a triple battle.
Triple Battles are cool, but what always ends up happening is two team up against one to get rid of that group before engaging each other.
I find the best battles are between two evil armies - like having Claw Valley versus another faction of Sharpteeth, because no matter what happens the good guys win.
-
Question: Is there somethin' going on between Rytho and Ducky? I mean, not only does Rytho seem to be the most protective of her, but he's usually the one comforting her as well. It also appears they're always with each other. If those two are developing feelings for each other, I think it's cute ;).
-
I never said that but I'm seriously considering it... Thank you for your input!
-
Chapter 25 is online! :DD
Wow, my creativity engine has been revvin' high for the past few days.
---------------------------------------
Chapter 25 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/25/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
---------------------------------------
Author's Notes
The funeral customs are inspired by from karkovice's fan fic A Time of Great Need
The torchlight ceremony was somewhat inspired by the induction ceremony my high school did for the Latin Honor Society.
The mention about Ali and Littlefoot's children being born during wartime is a very slight nod to DarkHououmon's Out Of the Shadows.
-
Hay Serris you made one of the most interesting and unique fan-fic I've ever read. Good job! I'm about to start on chapter 3 on my fan-fic and I'll be reading Land Before Time:Twilight Valley at the same time.
-
In my humble opinion I think that both sides are starting to become desperate at this point. Casualties are mounting and very little ground has been taken, so may I suggest a plot idea for your story?
The Claw Valley procures an evil superweapon they plan to unleash on the valley... here are some possible ideas:
- Triggering the collapse of a rockface in the Mysterious Beyond to block the water and deny the entire valley of water.
- Bargaining an alliance with greater creatures who have no stake in the conflict to serve their own ends... (ie mercenaries)
- Unearthing a well of crude oil (not that they would know what it is apart from that it burns) and using it to set fire to the Great Valley.
I hope you consider this in your story because it would bring a nice, epic ending when the Great Valley thwarts them once and for all!
I will be doing a full review of this story soon :)
-
In my humble opinion I think that both sides are starting to become desperate at this point. Casualties are mounting and very little ground has been taken, so may I suggest a plot idea for your story?
The Claw Valley procures an evil superweapon they plan to unleash on the valley... here are some possible ideas:
- Triggering the collapse of a rockface in the Mysterious Beyond to block the water and deny the entire valley of water.
- Bargaining an alliance with greater creatures who have no stake in the conflict to serve their own ends... (ie mercenaries)
- Unearthing a well of crude oil (not that they would know what it is apart from that it burns) and using it to set fire to the Great Valley.
I hope you consider this in your story because it would bring a nice, epic ending when the Great Valley thwarts them once and for all!
I will be doing a full review of this story soon :)
I'm not sure if I mentioned it or not but Styracus and his herd are mercenaries hired by Claw Valley.
The other two ideas sound interesting and I'll analyze them.
1.) Chemical warfare
I'm not sure how they would know about crude oil in the GV. Granted I can see where you are going (an oil spill coupled with an aerial firebombing campaign <using torches like what Rinkus did> would be absolutely devastating.)
2.) Siege warfare
Hmm. The rock slide plot device was already used in an LBT film (LBT III) but that case was a natural disaster. not an act of war. It would provide quite a high octane race against time (find and kill the saboteurs before they block off the water supply).
However, I'm not going to say too much but Claw Valley already has a superweapon (The Stone of Cold Fire) and it will play a major role near the end of the story.
Oh, and Caustizer, thank you for your suggestions; I look forward to the impending full review. :yes
-
Oh and in a slightly off topic discussion... how do you hyperlink your stories in your signature? I tried to do the same with mind but I couldn't get it to link properly as you can see.
-
Glad to see Littlefoot's expedition has safely returned :yes.
-
It has taken me a few weeks but I finally read the whole thing, and here is what I think:
I'll divide my review into three seperate parts... comments, questions, and quams. Comments will be things I like about the story, questions will be things that stuck out in my mind that I would really like to ask, and quams are things I don't like about the story. I have five of each type.
Note: This review may be quite penetrating, but it does not imply I don't like the story - I'm merely giving the best feedback I can offer.
Questions:
1) Where did all the fast-runners come from?
In the original Land Before Time and through all 13 movies and the TV series we only meet 5 fast runners, and they are Ruby and her family. This leads me to believe that they are denizens of the mysterious beyond and are also few and far between (compared to entire herds of spiketails and longnecks). As far as we are led to believe they do not live in the Great Valley...where did they all come from?
2) Who is the General of the Great Valley?
In wartime there is guarenteed to be disagreement between leading parties... so somebody has to be appointed the general otherwise nothing gets done. Even in the Matrix where the free human city is govered by a council they still appoint a general to oversee the army and make strategic decisions. Perhaps the reason the Great Valley was taken by the forces of Claw was that they lacked a good command structure?
3) What race is Ms. Maia and what does she look like?
I don't reconize the race you are refering too... my knowledge of dinosaur types is incomplete :confused
4) What is a sickle-claw and how is it different from a fast-biter?
Again I don't know what your refering to here though I have a pretty good idea.
5) Why do Strut and Ozzy hate each other so much?
Ozzy and Strut are brothers and even if they fight sometimes it did not make sense to me why they would want to kill each other so bad. And the part where Strut tortures Ozzy? Even in the American Civil War when brother fought brother they still had the respect to not torture each other in the sadistic manner I saw here. Do they have issues or have things just reached the breaking point?
Comments:
1) The Great Valley sure didn't mess around with the Claw threat
I liked how well the Great Valley mustered for war when clearly the situation demanded that sort of action. It was interesting to view how the different divisions were organized and the types of drills that they performed. The formation of a Great Valley airforce made sense, and I could certainly see Pternao commanding it. Well done!
2) The Technology of Claw and the Great Valley
An interesting and well written point is how each faction depends on their weapons development to give an edge in the conflict. Mr. Bigmouth is the key alchemist for the Great Valley and even the bad guys have their techos who invent and work with fire and poison. Since the two sides also have differing military forces (Claw enjoys the natural advantage of being built to hunt leaf eaters) the Valley forces have to catch up with a slight technological advantage. A nice Allied-Soviet thing going on here! (forgive my Red Alert reference but it is my thing) I look forward to seeing how the weapons each side procures advance - especailly since Claw has a superweapon.
3) Well done Original Characters
Twlight Valley has a ton of characters... I won't lie. When it comes to the good ones and the bad ones you have things mapped out pretty good. I just love Theta and Hasta simply because I have a soft spot for evil lieutenants...kinda like Lieutenant RJ in Tiberium Wars. They aren't evil but they are damn good fighters and probably the coolest bad guys. Ms. Maia is delightfully evil... I always get a kick out of her. Deimos and Raptix are nice additions to the good guys and also serve to point out this is not a Sharptooth vs. Leaf Eater war but a Claw vs. Great Valley war.
4) Claw Valley's victory in the first battle
This was a good plot twist, as it added the "revenge" element to the Great Valley dinosaurs who have to take back their valley. It also gave a nice change of scenery and added some desperation where previously they had everything they needed.
5) The Addition of a Mysterious Third Side
Three way conflicts always make things more interesting, but inevitably two sides end up teaming up against the last one to take it out before fighting or making peace amoungst themselves. I wonder if your planning something like this.
Quams:
1) Out of Character Speech
The Original Characters were done well, but there ended up being so many in total that portions of the story were rushed as you attempted to give lines to everybody, and the ones we know from the movies say things that they would never say if they were in character (compensating for the war setting of course). Examples I picked up on are like this one:
“Well nice to meet ya, Chomper!” Pterano replied.
Pterano would be more likely to say something like "It is an honour to make your aquantience Chomper, but we have little time to dawtle".
2) Named Characters are Invulnerable for the first 15 chapters
Everyone who got killed or maimed in the first 15 chapters did not possess a name, and it got boring after a while to see an endless flow of nameless characters getting killed (and going unmourned despite some truely heroic acts) while the Great Valley goes on like nothing has happened. It especially struck me as odd in the "Battle of the Great Valley" where in the meat grinder of a battle nobody with a name died while lots of nameless soldiers got torn to bits in the name of their Valley. In a war fan-fic where you have a lot of characters, a fair few of them have to die to keep things organized and realistic. If the Claw Valley honestly wanted to suffer no casualties they should have just given all their soldiers name-tags...sheesh! :lol
3) The Dissapearing Gang of Seven
This got me at about the 8th chapter. I suddenly said to myself...hey where the heck is Petrie? Cera? Ruby? They had all dissapeared while the OCs had taken over the action. In a good story it is important not to lose sight of who your main characters are and keep them in the story and doing meaningful things.
4) Paragraphs and Dividers
I just got driven bonkers by this from the get go... the story was jumping all over the place in a single chapter! One line it would be Deimos training and the next Exidium will be talking about his grand plan... with no dividers to show the change of scene. When you advance forward with your story please divide things up so we the readers know when you are changing settings. You can try using this if you would like:
...
And so on.
That is all and I hope you liked my review! In my opinion Twilight Valley has good things about it and bad things but overall it still kept me reading so it qualifies as a success... I would give it an:
8/10
For making a good story out of the brutal art that is the art of war.
Caustizer.
-
Thanks for the detailed review! It would be too difficult to edit all 100,000+ words but I will keep your critiques in mind.
By the way, there are dividers, everytime there is a scene change, a few sentences set up the new scene.
As for why Ozzie and Strut hate each other, it is implied that Strut snapped after being abused too much by Ozzie. In LBT II, Ozzie is rather physical with Strut.
One other thing, tech was added to differentiate this from other LBT war fics.
Also, I fixed the problem of named characters being immortal.
-
Also, I fixed the problem of named characters being immortal.
I'm not sure about this one. I personally can't stand it whenever any of the Gang get whacked in a fanfic. It's too disturbing, and the very thought of it makes me wanna vomit :x. However, this is your fanfic, so it's your call :yes.
-
Also, I fixed the problem of named characters being immortal.
I'm not sure about this one. I personally can't stand it whenever any of the Gang get whacked in a fanfic.
The Gang of Five have what I call "heroic immortality"; they will not die under ANY circumstances.
However, any other characters with names can and may die.
-
There's actually something I'm a little stuck on.
I know I already stated that there is no singing in this fan fic but I'm listening to Peaceful Valley and for some reason it struck me as a perfect "End of War" theme. I want to add it in at the very end of the story but the idea of Raptix and Deimos joining in the chorus of Peaceful Valley strikes me as rather jarring.
-
I'm not sure what to think of this, but by the looks of your fanfic, the end is not anywhere close yet, so there's time to think about it :yes. Hopefully an absolute yay or nay will click in my mind soon.
-
You don't have to put the lyrics, just have people burst into a rousing chorus of "Peaceful Valley". The reader can fill in the lyrics on their own.
-
Chapter 26 is online! :DD
Enjoy!
---------------------------------------
Note: the fire dancing scenes are best enjoyed with this piece by Juno Reactor: Zwara (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RoVlnZyIG6M)
Chapter 26 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/26/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
---------------------------------------
Author's Notes
The revival of long-dead heroes by the Stone of Cold fire was borrowed from Falcon88's LBT war fic War of the Worlds.
I was thinking about how the ancient Celts used woad as war paint when I wrote Cera's line about intimidating the enemy.
The fire dances were admittedly, something that was added because I didn't know how the dinosaurs would celebrate (and because fire dances are quite cool to watch). Now that I look at it, it actually seems pretty cool. Expect to see more fire dancing dinosaurs. :p
-
Cera's idea of scaring the enemy is pretty interesting. It'll be cool to see how they spook the enemies. Now that Littlefoot is aware of Ducky's whereabouts, will there be an expedition sent to help her and the others off Cloud Island?
-
The legacy of sharptooth brutality continues... hopefully Littlefoot and the gang can put an end to these Claw assassins before they really start to make their mark.
The Great Valley leadership is being surprisingly indecisive about the whole affair - if people around you were getting killed you would step things up to try and stop it.
I hope they begin to plan a re-offensive to take back the Great Valley, it`s about that time seeing as it`s a lot easier to defend then their current location. Either that or Excidium is planning to exterminate them for good now.
Caustizer.
-
Oh, don't worry, this close call will have everything fixed up and the GV will now be on the offensive for a change.
-
Chapter 27 is online!
-----------------------------------
Chapter 27 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/27/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------------------
Author's Notes
Caustizer's last comment has been worked into the chapter in modified form.
Brightfall = sunset (Brightrise = sunrise)
Thanks to CT for choosing the "interrogate/torture enemy sickleclaw" method to find Cloud Island.
-
It's nice the Great Valley leadership has formally appointed some generals and a chain of command. From my first impression I would have prefered Mr. Threehorn as the Major General though because at least he believes in action - Blue Scale has never occured to me as a particularly good military planner.
What kind of general refuses to strike against the enemy because "some of our soldiers may be captured or killed"? These are times of war and like it or not dinosaurs in the Great Valley will have to die in the process to put an end to Claw and Excidium's plans.
As usual it looks like it's up to the children to get anything done :lol
Caustizer.
-
I guess they're not familiar with the saying that "A good soldier never leaves a man behind." I don't even think our military would just abandon POWs with the knowledge of their whereabouts :anger. I think it's awesome that at least some of the others are taking the initiative to go rescue Ducky. I especially love Cera's "Screw 'em" mentality; it's so fitting to her character :lol.
-
Chapter 28 is online! :DD
---------------------------------------
There's a TINY bit of shipping in here. You'll love this pairing, CT.
Chapter 28 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/28/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
---------------------------------------
Author's Notes
Isla, Sorna and Nublar along with their herdmates were intended to be sickleclaws as a shout out to Jurassic Park but due to problems with dialogue and plot, the idea had to be scrapped.
-
Indeed, I did :smile! That was a cute scene between those two. Ducky knocking Ms. Maia upside the head with a big stick was awesome :D!
-
I'm glad that finally a threehorn of action is given Generalship of the valley. Topsy has a tendancy to over-react to the littlest of things, but in this case it's a good quality that the defenders of the great valley can use.
In this chapter I also noted how incompetant of an airforce commander Pterano is. His flyers spend all day drilling, flying in formation, etc. but he never actually gives them any missions to put their skills into practise. It's the equivilant of Britain taking it's pilots through training exercises while Germany is bombing out the nearby cities and towns. Pterano's flying corps hasn't even scouted out the Great Valley yet in an effort to gain intelligence for an attack. If Blue-scale was the first to be grilled by the Great Valley's inhabitants I can see Pterano coming next. :rolleyes
...
Pardon my critisim in this next part, but a good review always includes both.
It's a good chapter, but overall it's really similar to the older ones - the valley council makes some sort of announcement or change but nothing ends up getting done (the gang was planning to leave on their own anyway with or without the support of the general), a montage where Mr. Bigmouth shows off his newest poison/weapon, and a bloody battle that Claw Valley inevitably loses. Apart from the Ducky-Rytho romance scene this chapter was very predictable. Change things up, and surprise us once in a while!
Look forward to the next installment,
Caustizer.
-
That was mostly a filler chapter so I more or less had to recycle.
I also want to point out the psychology of the Great Valley dinosaurs (this will actually be mentioned in the next chapter) . The Claw Valley dinosaurs, being mostly predators are more offense oriented while the Great Valley dinosaurs, being (mostly) herbivores are more defense oriented. Obviously, the Great Valley dinosaurs have to change their mode of thinking and that is what is what will be occurring on in the later chapters.
Well, that's my response to Caustizer's review.
Thank you, Caustizer and Cancerian Tiger for reviewing!
-
Chapter 29 is coming up tomorrow!
-
Chapter 29 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/29/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley) is now up! :DD :yes
Something MAJOR happens but I will not spoil it!
----------------------------
Author's Notes:
The idea of the Sky Hunters wearing a unique piece of identification (the Hunter Spearhead) is based off idea that soldiers may have patches/tabs signifying that they are qualified in a certain task or they are specially trained. However, you are probably not going to be seeing any dinosaurs wearing the equivalent of military medals...
The name "Berg" is a reference to Steven Spielberg and the proposed binomial name for the Utahraptor: Utahraptor spielbergi.
Vio's "funeral" was inspired by the scene where Simon's body drifts out to sea in the 1963 adaptation of William Golding's novel Lord of the Flies.
Longtailed flyer = Rhamphorhynchus
-
Now this is a unique and interesting angle for Twilight Valley - leaf eaters on the offensive!
This chapter raked up quite the body count, which in my mind is something that should happen in a war story like this when you compare it to how mellow the previous chapters were. That being said, I thought the scene of the Sickleclaws ripping apart the Fast Runner to be a too bit graphic - you could have omitted some parts about the organs (ie just refering to them as 'meat' etc.).
Something I've noticed about the story up to this point is that Claw has yet to be brought to justice for anything - none of their high rankers have been killed or wounded (Ms. Maia discluded, but she's more of a traitor then a henchdinosaur) and Exicidium is pretty much free to do whatever he wants (in terms of slaughter and mayhem). Judging from this chapter Claw definately has military superiority, and is going to take quite the effort to defeat - a point that you have made very clear is this was your goal.
I'm glad for the update on the situation in Cloud Island, but I feel horrible to say that I felt nothing when Vio died. Up to this point in the story we only know that (A) he is a good fighter and (B) he was a former prisoner on the island. It felt to me that you wanted him to be more important to the story then he was portrayed as, and ultimately wanted us to mourn him too along with the rest of the dinos present. When performing funeral rights on a character it would be best to ensure that it is only embelleshed when the character was very important to the story (for example, I would expect a funeral if Coatal or Diemos died but not someone like Ed or Ptyrax who we don't really know enough yet).
Anyway thats my two cents, and as long as you keep writing I'll keep reviewing.
Caustizer.
-
Can't really say anything that Caustizer hasn't already said. The Fast-runner being mutilated was rather graphic, but nothing I couldn't handle.
The only quibbles I have with this chapter, and the story in general, are these:
-"On it" doesn't really sound like something Pterano would say... :unsure:
-Could be wrong here if I haven't read into the story enough, but over the course of Twilight Valley, it's seemed to me that most of your own characters haven't been given a proper introduction; it's like they're just "there" and they're somehow involved in the story. In the past it's had me saying "Wait, who's this guy again?" Of course, I probably haven't been paying enough attention... :lol
I seriously love where you're going with this. I've read every single chapter, and can't wait for the next one.
Keep writing... :smile
-
Aww, poor Vio :cry. I actually felt sad when he died. Before that, I had feared Ms. Swimmer would be the one to get whacked, seeing that she took on a couple of serious injuries. I'm so glad it was not her, but I still feel bad it was one of the good guys that died :(.
-
Poor Vio. :( I should be sad, but I had actually feared for a while that an established character like Chomper ot Strut was going to get whacked. It still was sad, though.
-
Well, the chapter is coming along pretty well. I may try and have it up tomorrow or Sunday.
--------------------------
There is some mention of dinosaur weapons tech slightly advancing. Mostly experimental ones though: flails made from a rock, vine and a tree branch; bolas; stone headed darts
I will state that slings will be used by the Great Valley forces (The TWV RP had a Great Valley slinger corps).
Granted, I may decide to put up a weapons list of pretty much every weapon used in the fic.
The bow and arrow is a Stone Age weapon and it was used in the Insane Cafe 3 by the Great Valley dinosaurs. However, it will only be mentioned in passing. I am considering a scene where some Great Valley dinosaurs encounter some hostile Mysterious Beyond dinosaurs who use bows, though.
-
Every time I read or think about twilight valley now all I can think about is how awesome it would turn out in the Future Wars version.
The VDF and Claw factions are so well developed now in my notes, if I had the modding and artistic skills I could make a game out of it.
...
VDF has no power plants, so can build unlimited defenses and structures, but has a unit limit based on the amount of Arboriums you construct. This makes the Valley Defense Forces advantaged in a defensive situation.
Claw has no unit limit, so can build unlimited soldiers and vehicles, but has energy to power it's structures and defenses based on the amount of Talon Cores you construct. Understandably, this makes Claw ideal in offensive situations.
VDF Heroes:
Great Haven (aka Great Valley)
- Starts with Littlefoot's Brontodon 'Doc', a massive four legged walker which possesses a powerful frontal shield that can be activated at will to protect your army from enemy fire. The main weapons (ie. the Exo Cannons) don't activate until you construct Bigmouth's Armoury and a Battle Center.
- Great Haven's armies are focused on technological superiority, hence the Battle Center and Brontodon walkers are 25% cheaper then the other factions of VDF.
"Me and 'Doc' are here to help,"
Dawn Haven
- Starts with Sonic Ruby, who has a powerful Sonic Resonator that is effective versus masses of vehicles, but is not truely powerful until she kills enough opponents to be promoted to the Savoir rank. (VDF ranks go Exemplar = Veteran, Savoir = Elite Veteran, Harbinger = Best of the best)
- Dawn Haven's armies are focused on masses of foot soldiers, and hence infantry coming out of the VDF Training Ground are 25% cheaper then normal.
"Here to lend a hand... well not to lend an actual hand, more like a sound wave..."
Verdant Haven
- Starts of with the Cardio-cropter, a flying aircraft that is a fusion of flight, medical, and repair divisions of VDF. Petrie and Ducky are glad to be apart of one of the VDF's first race-collaberative experiments, and using their combined abilities can heal masses of infantry and vehicles in both down times and active battle situations.
- Verdant Haven's armies concentrate on being economically sound, and so enjoy a 25% increase in Arborium productivity.
"Me here for you!"
"It is pretty high up here, it is, it is,"
...
Claw Sector
- Starts with the Deliverator, a ravenous grinding machine that draws enemy vehicles towards it with it's tractor harpoon and breaks them down, providing a decent refund to it's owner. Hasta is all too glad to put this devilish crawler to the test, and delights in the inevitable death all of his targets experience.
- Claw armies are the most aggressive of all sharpteeth forces and favour the support of their advanced technology before taking to the field to harvest their prey. Hence Claw Sector can construct the Black Tech Division 25% cheaper then the other sectors, as well as building the deadly Tyrannotron mechs 25% cheaper then normal.
"Vehicle eater reved up an ready to go,"
Fang Sector
- In tune with Fang's tendancy to avoid a direct fight, Ozzy the Chamelion Master gladly takes to the battlefield to assist upstart Fang commanders. Not many sharpteeth, or rather meat eaters, can attest to having their own satellite in orbit, but Ozzy can. He possesses no weapons, but can use his personal Icarus satelite to steal money, disable radar, and shut down vehicles and buildings with EMP. On top of this Ozzy only wears the latest Stealth armour, so hes almost complelely invisible!
- Fang's Army's are fitted to avoid a direct fight, instead using stealth and subtlety to gain eventual victory. In this light, all Fang foot sharpteeth begin with Stealth Armour (even lowly Sickle Packs) to hide them from visibility and make all your attacks quite surprising.
"Unless you've got an egg then stop giving me away runt..."
Scythe Sector
- Due to the incredable size of the Scythe Sector, the sharpteeth here have entered into a pact with mercenary flyers in order to better guard their domains. Apart from this however, Scythe's greatest claim to fame is Dr. Achilles, an unfortunate fast-biter who bound himself with an AI during an experiment in the Black Technology Labs. Achilles is bound entirely within the domain of computing and electricity, with his mortal body nothing more then an empty vessel to bind his spirit to the world. Sometimes when Scythe is threatened, Achilles will take to the battle field in his ingenious Calculator, a mobile advanced AI node that allows him to boost production figures enormously allowing armies to be quickly raised.
- Scythe armies are equiped mightily with an airforce piloted by Carniverous flyer allies, and their experience allows aircraft to be produced much cheaper then conventional Claw aircraft. Units built out of the Death-nest are 25% cheaper.
"I predict a 100% chance of death..."
...
Essentially, each army has 1 hero that you start with depending upon the sub-faction you choose. These units are entirely different from the Commando units, VDF's Chomper and Claw's Utah and Manhatten, which tend to cause enormous amounts of destruction very quickly.
Warp Chomper:
"Who's up for a little time travel?"
Utah & Manhatten:
"Hoo-rah,"
"Introduction to destruction,"
...
What do you think Serris?
Caustizer.
-
I like it but there is a conflict between the Cardio-Copter and "Power Ducky".
How can Ducky be in both places at the same time.
As for Power Ducky's quotes:
Select: "I do not like vehicles. I do not, I do not."
Attack: "Railgun firing. It is, it is."
Moving: "Yep, yep, yep."
Under attack: "My armor is being damaged!"
------------------------
On a side note, can you please put this (and anything related to TWV: Future Wars) in a separate topic? Thanks.
-
I like it but there is a conflict between the Cardio-Copter and "Power Ducky".
How can Ducky be in both places at the same time.
As for Power Ducky's quotes:
Select: "I do not like vehicles. I do not, I do not."
Attack: "Railgun firing. It is, it is."
Moving: "Yep, yep, yep."
Under attack: "My armor is being damaged!"
------------------------
On a side note, can you please put this (and anything related to TWV: Future Wars) in a separate topic? Thanks.
In the VDF most of the swimmers recruited are placed within the medical corps, due to their small size in youth. All Medics are of course given powered armour, and for the first stage of the Claw-VDF conflict Ducky is a new recuit that is granted a position of privilage because Petrie is her friend and recommends her for his experimental aircraft.
VDF's primary experimental weapon is the Exo-Cannon, powerful electro-ion beams that cut a straight line like a welding beam for 10 or so meters, allowing it to cut through masses of light vehicles and heavy vehicles with equal effectiveness. For the most part, only Longnecks work with Exo Cannons and know their secrets.
Claw is defeated when Chomper single-handedly demolishes the Doom Hammer, a massive sub-atomic cannon built by Claw's Black Labs to annialate the Great Valley.
After this occurs a series of developmental and organizational changes occur within VDF ranks, namely the introduction of Air to Air Fighters called Ramjets, and also the testing of advanced magnetic accelerators.
So basically in the first 'game' Ducky is in the Cardiocropter, but in the 'expansion' she wields VDF's first Railgun. She comes as a hero unit to the VDF's newest ally the Lush Haven.
...
And yes I will post this stuff elseware... this above is merely a response.
Caustizer.
-
I didn't kill your inspiration with my ramblings did I? :confused
-
Chapter 30 is online! :wow :wow :celebrate :cheers
Chapter 30 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/30/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
--------------------------------------
Caustizer, I do have a LBT: Future Wars unit ready but this is not the appropriate place to put it.
--------------------------------------
Author's Notes
The chapter title comes from the lyrics of Primo Victoria by Sabaton, a Swedish Power Metal band. Listen to Primo Victoria (with lyrics here) here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tip25RGUY1Q).
The original chapter title was "The Great Operation Begins (Part One)". The name comes from the same source as the current title. It was deleted because "Now We're Ready to Strike" seemed more appropriate. "The Great Operation Begins" will serve as chapter name for a later chapter.
The idea of red fruit juice being used to simulate weapons hits is directly inspired by the use of simulated ammunition in modern military/police training.
Ironically, the part where they are holding a "memorial service" for their dead was written on Veterans' Day.
Also, Rhett, Tippy, Tricia, Tria, Dinah, Dana are implied to have died in the Battle of the Great Valley.
Thanks to Caustizer for the idea of having Mr. Threehorn use single species squads.
Tyr is the name I gave to Chomper’s father and Ranno is the name I gave to Chomper's mother.
Thanks to Cancerian Tiger for suggesting the interrogation method of locating Cloud Island.
-
I found it just a little confusing about Chomper's dad and mom's names, of Tyr and Ranno. It kind of sounds too much like Pterano's name if you think about it?! I'm not saying you have too, but it might be a good idea to come up with a couple of better names for Chomper's mom and dad. Just so it's less confusing!?
PS, Here a couple of names that might be better, in fact one of the names I heard in the Ice Age 3 movie. There's one part when Buck says something about a T - Rex or T - Rachael?!
Chomper's dad: Rex (T - Rex)
Chomper's mom: Rachael (T - Rachael)
-
Very interesting chapter. Rather slow-paced, but that's perfectly fine because it gives us time to think about other things, like the impact of the war. I can understand the reaction of Ducky's mother, and it shocked and saddened me to see that Dinah and Dana had died... :cry I also notice you've explained the relations between Deimos, Raptix and Bluescale, glad to see it. :)
I'm looking forward to the next instalment...
-
This chapter further reminds me why I hate war so much. On top of that, I bawled when it was revealed Cera's family, minus her father, are all dead :cry. This chapter was pretty dark, but I guess it fits with a dark story. I can't wait to see what happens next.
-
I really liked this chapter, and I really couldn't find anything out of place. I liked how you started to explain things about Fang Valley's defectors to develop their character, and I also like how the impact of the war was mentioned.
Both of these parts were so well done that I couldn't have done something better.
Also on a subtle note, I noticed how Mr. Bigmouth mentioned that a certain weapon that Claw Valley used was too unsafe, and therefore disallowed its use. This demonstrates the differences of ideology between the leaf-eaters and the sharpteeth... something that I wanted to highlight in my futuristic spinoff too.
Caustizer.
-
I would like to address everyone's comments:
Dark Pterano:
I decided not to use the name "Rex" as it is a bit cliche for for a theropod (sharptooth).
Also, I try to make puns out of the names, thus I do not use Human names unless I can make a pun with them (Achilles = Achillobator, Ed = Edmontosaurus)
SouthPawRacer:
Well, I intentionally made this chapter slow because the previous 2 chapters had some VERY high octane scenes in them.
Cancerian Tiger:
Pretty much the only characters who I can guarantee will not die are: Littlefoot, Cera, Spike, Chomper, Ali, Ducky, Petrie and Ruby. Anyone else MAY die.
Caustizer:
Yes, Mr. Bigmouth did allow use of the "vine-rock" but attaching the "vine-rock" to a stick to make a flail is forbidden. However, some of Excidium's forces will use crude flails but they will not be encountered until later.
Thank you all for the comments!
---------------------------
Also, I am torn between adding the Yellowbellies and the Tinysauruses. Admittedly, I kind of hate them but somehow it seems a little late to introduce the Tinysauruses.
Also, would they actually serve any role in the war?
-
Chapter 31 is online!
Writer's block sucks.
------------------------
Chapter 31 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/31/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
------------------------
Author's Notes:
The chapter title comes from the lyrics of Primo Victoria by Sabaton, a Swedish Power Metal band. Listen to Primo Victoria (with lyrics) here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tip25RGUY1Q).
In case it was not obvious, High Tree Island is that island from LBT 5.
The conversation about Yellowbellies between Deimos, Littlefoot and Cera was inspired by a question I asked in Cancerian Tiger's "Ask Me" thread.
In case anyone is interested, here are some of the ages for the characters in the story:
Ducky: 22
Littlefoot: 23
Chomper: 20
Cera: 24
Spike: 24
Petrie: 22
Ruby: 25
Ali: 20
Hyp: 27
Nod: 29
Mutt: 26
Grandma Longneck: 82
Grandpa Longneck: 82
Pterano: 40
Mr. Threehorn: 44
Ms. Swimmer: 40
Hyp's Father: 42
Rytho: 21
Ed: 26
Vio: 22
Deimos: 22
Raptix: 21
Sorna: 52
Isla: 56
Nublar: 51
Cirrus: 12
Rime: 27
As a justification to why Spike has no lines: he chooses not to. A vow of silence, if you will.
-
I was wondering if you think that these ages would be okay for some of the other characters in your story?
Sierra: 30
Rinkus: 34
Ms. Flyer: 36
Bron: 48
Excidium: 57
-
Yeah, those ages should be right but Excidium is of indeterminate age (or possibly even ageless).
-
I must admit, I cracked up at Cera's line regarding the incompetency of the Yellowbellies in warfare :spit :spit.
-
I enjoyed this chapter since it has been so long since an update occured, but yet again I'm getting the feeling that the story is dragging on without making any progress from chapter to chapter. As it stands I can't really see the end in sight, since the main priority of the Great Valley dinosaurs appears to be rescuing Ducky and Chomper as opposed to taking back their homeland and eventually defeating Claw Valley.
I liked the scene were they talk about the star days, and I get the feeling that you might be reading my story because I just did a bit on Star Days too :smile. I'm curious why the GV dinosaurs would be so happy about locating the Mysterious Island though, since Tyr and Ranno know where it is intuitively and it is of very little tactical value to either side, since Claw doesn't have a holding there (to my knowledge).
A few gramatical errors to be aware of too (man I'm turning into Pangaea here :lol):
“Anyone besides me shocked that Ms. Maia would do something like this?” Ms. Swimmer asked between mouthfuls of treestar leaves. “I mean, why would she do something like that?”
Here you repeat the underlined phrase twice, and apart from Ruby's unique speech habit it just implies that Ms. Swimmer is expressing the same thing twice. I would vary it up a bit in the second part to make the sentence flow a bit better.
“No!” Cera and Littlefoot shouted simultaneously. A few dinosaurs woke out and glared at the two.
I think I know what you ment here, but you should fix it so nobody else gets confused like me. :lol
Caustizer.
-
Ms. Swimmer is talking like that because she is in shock.
As for the second grammatical error, that will be fixed later.
As for why High Tree Island is needed, well, Pterano and his flyers cannot make the journey to Cloud Island without a resting point.
And there will be some nasty surprises waiting for the exploration party at the Mysterious Island.
Oh yeah, the plot moves MUCH faster in the next few chapters... I forsee the GV dinosaurs planning to retake the Great Valley around Chapter 33 or so.
-
Oooooh yeah...I forsee the final smackdown with Ms. Maia approaching soon. Things are gonna get even more intense now I'm sure :yes.
EDIT: Just curious, how is it that Ms. Swimmer is 35 and Ducky is 22? That would put Ms. Swimmer has having been thirteen years old when she had Ducky. That seems a bit odd :blink:.
-
I can't wait to see the final showdown with Ms. Maia either!
For some reason, I'm kind of expecting her to be given the most gruesome, and maybe most creative death in the entire story...
-
Just curious, how is it that Ms. Swimmer is 35 and Ducky is 22? That would put Ms. Swimmer has having been thirteen years old when she had Ducky. That seems a bit odd :blink:.
Oops. I made a slight miscalculation (math is my worst subject).
Ms. Swimmer should be 40.
-
I kind of have to agree about Ducky's mom being 35 and Ducky is 22, it doesn't make any sense to me. Is that in dino years, dog years or human years because I just don't understand it now?!
-
All ages are Human equivalent.
-
I take that back about Ms. Flyer being 36, she sould be around 39 since Ducky's mom is 40.
-
Here is is Chapter 32:
Chapter 32 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/32/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
Yes, I know it seems like it is dragging on but the "Cloud Island" arc is nearly at a close.
Next chapter closes the Cloud Island Arc with a lot of deaths.
------------------------------
Author's Notes:
The chapter title is again, taken from the lyrics of Primo Victoria by Sabaton.
The dinosaur archers are a nod to the RP on the forum known as The Insane Cafe 3. There Mr. Bigmouth encounters the Great Valley dinosaurs armed with bows. However, as Pterano said bows are a very rare weapon so it is likely that these are the only dinosaur archers you see in the entire story.
Water fruit = coconut
The clearing with the stinking flowers is the same one from LBT 5.
-
After such a long hiatus I can say I certainly enjoyed this chapter. I'm glad that there is finally some progress being made in the group's escape from Cloud Island and that the Great Valley Airforce is setting up a forward airfield (although it seems more like a nominal thing as opposed to an important commitment).
I am eager to know just how Ducky and Chomper's group is going to escape from the Island with the way out being by sea creature or swimming (or log boat) or perhaps even on large fliers. It's nice to know that the escape will also feature a 'final battle' as it will where Ms. Maia and Procella will take a good shot at them before the escape.
Theta and Hasta or even any Claw lieutants haven't really made an appearance in a while which makes me speculate that they are kind of stagnating thinking the war has been won. I wouldn't be surprised if Excidium sets his sights on a different valley to conquer now that the Great Valley is his, but I suppose that is to be seen.
Also, I wonder what Excidium and Styracus are currently doing with the Stone of Cold Fire? Since it can ressurect dead heroes (presumably Claw Valley has been fighting a long time so there is an ample supply) I'd like to see them doing some very evil things with it in allusion to your foreshadow with Littlefoot.
Caustizer.
-
After such a long hiatus I can say I certainly enjoyed this chapter. I'm glad that there is finally some progress being made in the group's escape from Cloud Island and that the Great Valley Airforce is setting up a forward airfield (although it seems more like a nominal thing as opposed to an important commitment).
I am eager to know just how Ducky and Chomper's group is going to escape from the Island with the way out being by sea creature or swimming (or log boat) or perhaps even on large fliers. It's nice to know that the escape will also feature a 'final battle' as it will where Ms. Maia and Procella will take a good shot at them before the escape.
I second this :exactly.
-
There's a few things that I'm still having a hard time really understanding here?!
Plus I'm also wondering if you have dropped a lot if the ideas, that you once had for this story. Because you said that Strut and Ozzy as well as Pterano and Sierra would have a bunch of fights throughout the story.
You also said something about Theta was going to have a sister that would be killed in a fight with Ducky's mother at some point in this story. But the biggest thing I don't understand is where is this Petrie Detrie character that you plan to bring into the story. :confused
-
Yes, Dark Pterano, I have dropped a fair amount of ideas.
Fierce Deity Petrie is something that will appear a lot later in the story.
Pterano and Strut will still fight but there is no reason for them to fight now.
-
Thanks for clearing that up for me, because for a few month's now. Things were kind of draging on it seemed and it had me really confused about what was going on in the story itself, most of the time?! PS, Is Strut still the one dino, that ends up killing Ms. Maia.
-
Okay, I ran into a little problem.
I have no idea what Excidium would call the dinosaurs who were enhanced by the Stone of Cold Fire. I already came up with a name for the resurrected heroes (no spoiler).
I was going to call them "Diamond Claws" but I realized that a hero (who will appear later) already has that name (Diamond-Claw).
I also considered the name "Crystal Claws" after their most prominent feature: crystalline claws that can tear through rock. I really do not like this name, though
-
I called them Reborn.... maybe that would work?
-
The dinosaurs reincarnated by the Stone of Cold Fire are called Reborn.
I just do not know what to call LIVING dinosaurs who were enhanced by contact with the stone.
-
I don't know if this will be a good one, but how about Shadow Claws for the Claw Valley dinosaurs that are enhanced by the Stone of Cold Fire. I was wondering if some of the Great Valley dinosaurs will also be enhanced by the Stone of Cold Fire before the final battle and they could be called Silver Claws.
(Here's a few names that sould be enhanced by the Stone of Cold Fire?!)
Littlefoot
Excidium
Strut
Ozzy
Pterano
Sierra
-
Hmmm...not sure if these will be good suggestions or not, but what about Fire Skins? Cold Fire Claws? Or perhaps Super Scales?
-
Augmented?
-
Elite? Crystal (or Diamond) Squad? Claw Warriors? I dunno, just a couple of ideas :unsure:.
-
Thanks for all the replies. I still have not decided on the name yet but I narrowed it down to 6 choices:
Shadow Claws
Shadow Battalion
Elite Cadre (a shout out to Tiberian Sun)
Fire Claws
Crystal Battalion
Diamond Battalion.
I will let you all know the choice when I finish this chapter.
-
2nd Anniversary of TWV!
Now standing at 32 chapters and 140,383 words!
Expect a new chapter sometime tomorrow or even today!
-
Oh dear, it looks like 'today or tommarrow' turned into an entire week :lol
-
Yes! It's here! Chapter 33 is online!
Chapter 33 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/33/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
--------------------------
Caustizer, I am reading your latest story Far Away Home and I want to ask permission for the Wingtails' artifacts to make an appearance in the story or an allusion to their glassworking prowess.
I am not sure how I will do it yet.
--------------------------
Author's Notes
Credit to CT for naming the "enhanced sharpteeth". Her name: Diamond Squad.
The title comes from the Lyrics of Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins. Listen to it (with lyrics) here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zohE73p40gI).
Cirrus's first flute melody "Beyond the Skies" is actually an imagined flute rendition Sky Tower from Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Red/Blue. Listen to it here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Y0XTcAXpic).
Cirrus's signal melody is actually Dialga's Fight to the Finish from Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Tijme/Darkness/Sky. Listen to it here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61oFE03ZFAY).
An alternate for Cirrus's signal melody is Sacrifice (Through the Sea of Time) from Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Explorers of Tijme/Darkness/Sky here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rP_AUhCJP6I).
Parachuting Raptix is directly lifted from Falcon88's War of the Worlds.
Caustizer gets all credit for naming the resurrected dinosaurs. His name: Reborn.
(EDIT - 20:19 - 2/7/10 = additional author's notes added.)
(EDIT - 2:46 - 2/27/10 = fixed broken link)
-
Of course you can do it!
There is still a lot more to the whole glass story though, and at some point we encounter a decendant of the Grand Creator who creates actual figurines from glass.
It's nice to see your reading my story as well :smile
Now, let's see what you have for us this week...
-
I was truely impressed with this chapter... with the pattern things had been going I wasn't expecting so much to happen in a such a short amount of time, but I suppose thats how war is.
This may seem like a terrible thing to say, but you certainly cleaned things up pretty good with the OCs. To be honest I didn't remember who half of them were, but one of the greatest plot devices to garner sympathy for an unknown character is to kill them and you made great use of this to keep the entire chapter interesting.
I also loved the bit with the Reborn & Diamond Claws at the very beginning, as it reminded us readers that Excidium is still out there and still has visions of conquest that go far beyond just the Great Valley. The division of the main enemies between Ms. Maia and Excidium really proves to be like a Sauron-Saruman thing from Lord of the Rings and really adds a nice touch to the story. One way or another, the reckoning will come for both villians - but next on the list is likely going to be Excidium.
Also, I couldn't help but think of this song during the first bit :Red Dusk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18Pwj6tfGKg&feature=related)
EDIT: make sure you answer my question on your Ask Me thread as it's quite important to my FW plans.
-
Of course you can do it!
There is still a lot more to the whole glass story though, and at some point we encounter a decendant of the Grand Creator who creates actual figurines from glass.
It's nice to see your reading my story as well :smile
Now, let's see what you have for us this week...
Thank you for the review.
-----------------------
I'm thinking that the group, en route to Claw Valley, stumbles upon the remains of an old Wingtail glassmaking site close to the Valley. The glassmaking site will appear to have been ravaged by battle. I will not spoil the rest of the allusion.
But 1 question, do Wingtail artisans actually harvest the lava from these vents with long sticks or do they use the vents as a "furnace"?
-
Wingtails would collect special rocks they called 'lyestones' (aka Obsidian) and melt it by placing it near a lava vent. Once it was hot enough to be maleable, it would be removed and shaped into the desired shape using metal rods rolled in a similar process.
As per the Wingtail part in the war, Claw would have to pose a significant threat to their society as a whole to rise up. Remember if you are planning anything major regarding this you will have to let Sky know, because they are after all his creation :smile
-
That was an interesting development, Wingtails have metal tools. Thank you for the information.
As I said, no Wingtails will appear in the story, only their artifacts and tools.
-
Glad to see ya liked Diamond Squad :D.
This has to be the bloodiest chapter yet, with the number of protagonists that got whacked. I had an "Aw, s***!" moment when Rytho died :cry. Good aim on Ducky's part, though. That takes care of Procella :p, and now it looks like the countdown has narrowed down to Ms. Maia.
EDIT: I wonder how Ms. Swimmer will take Ducky telling her of Saurolo's fate :(.
-
Also, if you weren't planning to already, I think you should have Mo play a further role in the next chapter. Despite being given a scouting assignment, he didn't really play an active or independent role in the rescue, and sort of comes off as just having been inserted into the chapter for the sake of a cameo.
I really have no idea how to involve Mo in the next chapter. All I could think of was a "naval" battle with some of the Cloud Island dinosaurs trying to kill them before they get to High Tree Island but that sounds rather...bizarre.
So any suggestions for me?
-------------------------
Also, at Pangaea's suggestion, I revamped Chapter 33.
Nublar's fate is revealed (give you a hint, it is NOT pretty). Ed's death is acknowledged. Ms. Swimmer's fight with the sickleclaw is modified somewhat.
-
I like the revisions :yes.
*Shudders at Nublar's fate :x*
-
I really have no idea how to involve Mo in the next chapter. All I could think of was a "naval" battle with some of the Cloud Island dinosaurs trying to kill them before they get to High Tree Island but that sounds rather...bizarre.
So any suggestions for me?
Well...since they've recruited him as a scout, perhaps he could swim upriver to the Great Valley (reversing the path the gang took to the Big Water in LBT IX) to spy on Styracus's herd for them.
EDIT: Good revisions, especially the one involving Ed. :yes
-
This is getting really good. Can't wait for the next chapter!
-
Chapter 34 is online! Enjoy!
Personally, I really feel that this was not my best work but it moves the plot along.
Chapter 34 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/34/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-------------------------------
Author's Notes
Big Water Swimmer = Pleisosaur
Diamond is the term used to refer to members of Diamond Squad.
Pangaea gets all credit for having Mo spy on the Great Valley.
The fire breathing flyer is ported over from the LBT fan fic Shadow Fire and its sequel.
-
Sheesh, that was very dirty of Styracus' group to massacre the Yellowbellies like that <_<. I'm glad to see Littlefoot's group made it back safely, though :yes.
-
Claw just keeps piling up the atrocities. I'm surprised that the yellowbellies would be so rebellious to the sharpteeth's demands rather then simply going with the flow. They were such dumb characters in the thirteenth movie and their lack of wisdom often manifested itself in misinterpretation and non-confrontation.
Be that is it may though, I was happy to see them ripped to pieces (guilty pleasure :lol ) and have their best defensive attempts fail before Claw Valley's military superiority.
It made sense that the Great Valley dinosaurs made good use of Mo as a scout, but in all honesty he wouldn't do them much good since very little can be seen from the Big Water that would be useful. A more useful task would probably be to take down Claw's swimmer that transports the prisoners out to Cloud Island. Doing so would trap Ms. Maia and what's left of her army to be dealt with later but thats purely my take on the situation. A good writer like you could probably wrap a scouting mission similarly well.
I must say that I'm surprised the Great Valley dinosaurs aren't anxious to get their home back. They should be questioning Grandpa Longnecks conservative leadership at this point, since he has yet to really have any success versus Claw's radical wartime actions.
Let's use a real life example - in 1940 Great Britian was under Neville Chamberlain and due to his inability to counterattack the Nazis and drive them out of key areas of Africa and Norway he was ousted in favour of the radical Winston Churchill. Churchill had denounced Hilter from day one of his rise to power and once in office the rest was history.
What I'm saying is, perhaps the Great Valley at this point needs a radical like Mr. Threehorn to take the leading role because of the dire threat that Claw represents to their survival. Now that he has effectively reformed the army (using a phalanx system) the next step would be to push for Allies so they can outnumber and crush their Claw Valley foes who have vastly superior arms (thanks to development and the Stone of Cold Fire).
Total War is a strange and nasty concept that the Great Valley dinosaurs have yet to grasp.
-
Caustizer, I want to address your review:
They were such dumb characters in the thirteenth movie and their lack of wisdom often manifested itself in misinterpretation and non-confrontation.
Exactly, their idiocy leads to pretty much all the Yellowbellies getting massacred.
It made sense that the Great Valley dinosaurs made good use of Mo as a scout, but in all honesty he wouldn't do them much good since very little can be seen from the Big Water that would be useful. A more useful task would probably be to take down Claw's swimmer that transports the prisoners out to Cloud Island.
The Claw Valley transport swimmer is MUCH larger than Mo (roughly the same size as the Liopluerodon from LBT 9). Mo can do nothing more than distract the transport swimmer. And as shown in LBT 9, there is a river that leads from the Big Water to the Great Valley.
Mo will also have his "water kin" assist him in the recon mission.
I must say that I'm surprised the Great Valley dinosaurs aren't anxious to get their home back. They should be questioning Grandpa Longnecks conservative leadership at this point, since he has yet to really have any success versus Claw's radical wartime actions.
Oh, just wait until the next chapter. There will be some very heated words exchanged between the inhabitants and the leaders. I will not spoil everything but after the debate, the Great Valley Air Corps will be engaged in some sabotage and recon.
Then after Mo's scout group returns, they will start heading back to the Great Valley.
The next step would be to push for Allies so they can outnumber and crush their Claw Valley foes who have vastly superior arms (thanks to development and the Stone of Cold Fire).
Not sure where they can seek allies from. I was thinking of them encountering some sharpteeth (or possibly leafeaters) who lost their homes to Claw's military machine and they decide to join in the fight.
-
Here is a conversation Serris and I had regarding Chapter 33, which led to the additions he made to that chapter earlier:
I had a few comments and questions on the latest chapter of Twilight Valley:
In Chapter 29, you had a highly emotional scene where Vio dies from wounds sustained in battle and is mourned by the entire group, but in this chapter, Ed is killed while the group is fleeing from the enemy, and while Sorna briefly shows concern for him, he is not so much as even mentioned again in the chapter, even when the group stops to rest and eat. All I have to say here is...:huh:
Also, how is it that both Mo and Elsie show up together at the same time, right when Littlefoot’s group needs them? Do they both have extraordinarily good hearing, and were drawn to the same location independent of one another, or are they actually hanging out together? (If that's the case, then why?) There’s also the issue of the second plesiosaur who aided in the rescue and where it came from. Perhaps you could provide explanations in the next chapter.
Finally, in the paragraph describing the fight scene where Isla is killed, there’s a part (underlined) that should be its own sentence.
Isla was fighting with Procella and a Swimmer armed with a rock. Isla’s weapon, a heavy stick, fared quite well against the two. She used her free hand to catch Procella’s weapon arm and disarmed her with a blow to the wrist, which she followed with a strike to the ribs before she could deliver the finishing blow, the Swimmer snuck behind her and hit her in the back of the head with his rock, killing her almost instantly.
The explanation for why they failed to even talk about Ed is because they basically forgot about him.
Mo and Elsie were drawn there independently of each other.
The second plesiosaur will be addressed in the next chapter.
The explanation for why they failed to even talk about Ed is because they basically forgot about him.
No offense, but that sounds unbelievable. They completely forgot one of their own? :blink: Sounds very unlike the Great Valley dinosaurs, especially Ducky and Chomper. I think there should have at least been a "Where's Ed?" moment after they stopped to rest.
Also, if you weren't planning to already, I think you should have Mo play a further role in the next chapter. Despite being given a scouting assignment, he didn't really play an active or independent role in the rescue, and sort of comes off as just having been inserted into the chapter for the sake of a cameo.
One more thing: what happened to Nublar? :confused You never described him being killed or escaping the island with the others.
The explanation for why they failed to even talk about Ed is because they basically forgot about him.
No offense, but that sounds unbelievable. They completely forgot one of their own? :blink: Sounds very unlike the Great Valley dinosaurs, especially Ducky and Chomper. I think there should have at least been a "Where's Ed?" moment after they stopped to rest.
That will be fixed when I have time.
Also, if you weren't planning to already, I think you should have Mo play a further role in the next chapter. Despite being given a scouting assignment, he didn't really play an active or independent role in the rescue, and sort of comes off as just having been inserted into the chapter for the sake of a cameo.
Not sure how he should play a more active role in the next chapter.
One more thing: what happened to Nublar? :confused You never described him being killed or escaping the island with the others.
Nublar dies in the final battle. I will write in a scene where he dies.
-
I think the idea of the Great Valley dinosaurs finding allies in displaced sharpteeth and other dinosaurs is a good one. Your story has already featured groups of dinosaurs not affiliated with either valley (the spikethumbs from the Land of Mists, the egg stealers in Chapter 20, and the swimmers with bows and arrows); you could introduce some new ones that the GV could recruit to help them fight.
Another idea I had was that when the GV inhabitants attempt to retake their home, some of the dinosaurs from Styracus’s herd could change sides and fight with them (if they deem that the GV dinosaurs have a good chance of succeeding in their endeavor based on the fighting forces they have mustered). As you showed with Blackjack the clubtail in the last chapter, some of Styracus’s followers are displeased with the war. I would imagine that the first priorities of such characters would be to keep their new home, and if sticking with Styracus and Excidium meant that they would be defeated and kicked out of it, would prefer to fight with, or surrender, to the other side. (Does any of that make sense? :oops)
The two Big Water Swimmers and Mo were gliding through the glassy water of the ocean.
You refer to the plesiosaurs as both “Big Water Swimmers” and “Aquatic Longnecks” in this chapter. My opinion is that “Aquatic Longneck” (or “Water Longneck”, or “Swimming Longneck”; I tend to think of “aquatic” as being a bit too fancy a word for LBT) ought to be used when referring specifically to the plesiosaurs, while “Big Water Swimmer” could be used for any marine reptile, such as Mo.
Almost as the words left his mouth, he mentally slapped himself.
Should be “as soon as”.
"I take it that you were successful?" Pterano asked.
"We were. But not without casualties, Rytho, Ed, Sorna, Isla, Nublar and Cirrus did not make it off the island," Deimos said sadly.
Not necessarily a mistake, but Pterano and the others who stayed on High Tree Island do not know who Sorna, Isla, Nublar and Cirrus are. It might make sense if Deimos mentioned that they were a group of fast runners native to the island who had helped them. (This is probably the least significant issue I am highlighting in this review, and it wouldn’t matter much if you ignored it.)
"Elsie, I mean to ask you this a while ago but, who's the other Aquatic Longneck with you?" Littlefoot asked.
Should be “meant”.
Styracus, Stoneclaw, Flamewing, Icthy, Dil Saber, Theta, Hasta and a single Reborn and a single Diamond were gathered around the burned out remains of a campfire.
You’re missing a comma between the two underlined names. Also, considering that Stoneclaw and Flamewing are both Reborn, it makes things a little confusing when you say that there is “a single Reborn” with them. The solution I’d suggest is to list Stoneclaw and Flamewing’s names, followed by “another Reborn”. Here’s an example of how the sentence could be rewritten:
Styracus, Icthy, Dil, Saber, Theta, Hasta, Stoneclaw, Flamewing, another Reborn, and a single Diamond were gathered around the burned out remains of a campfire.
"There are apparently no weapons and no patrols that we can see in Berry Valley and -," Ozzie said before Sierra cut him off.
The hyphen indicating the interruption should be a dash, and there should be no comma.
There, Styracus stood, flanked by Stoneclaw and another Reborn, this one was a sickleclaw with metallic silver skin and strange metallic claws.
Since you mentioned earlier that there was another Reborn present, perhaps this should be changed to “the other”. Also, the word “was” is not necessary.
Stoneclaw seethed at Styracus's diplomatic approach but he figured that something would go wrong and he will get to kill.
Should be “would”.
"What's the matter, afraid," he said mockingly.
There should be a question mark at the end of Theta’s line.
He was standing next to half of a Yellowbelly and behind him were the remains of several Yellowbellies, spread out over many square feet of bloody ground/
Obviously you meant to type a period here. One of the few typos I’ve seen involving a punctuation mark. :p
"Let's see if we can keep a few of those Yellowbellies as food," Saber said, "After all, we have three sharpteeth to feed."
"Saber, perhaps you are not aware of this but we Reborn do not need food," the silver sickleclaw said.
"Okay, make that three sharpteeth and one Sharpbeak."
If I understand correctly, the sharpteeth in the group are Saber, Stoneclaw, the Reborn sickleclaw, and the Diamond sickleclaw. Unless Saber is discounting himself, shouldn’t his initial statement be “four sharpteeth”? And if the Reborn do not need to eat, his revised statement should be “two sharpteeth, one sharpbeak, and one bellydragger”.
I found the scene with the yellow bellies to be rather disturbing myself. :x They certainly weren’t my favorite dinosaurs in the LBT series, but I wouldn’t have wished this on them. (Perhaps I am unusual in this regard.) Not that it can be helped, but even they knew well enough to run from the Baryonyx in LBT XIII. It seems strange that they didn’t just do the same here. (Just my opinion.)
By the way, congratulations on becoming an Ultimate LBT Fan, Serris. :)
-
Chapter 34 has been revamped.
All credit for modifications go to Pangaea.
------------------
And Pangaea, I am analyzing your ideas. Expect to see both groups featured in the fic.
-
^ Um...thank you. :)/:oops
Wait...which ”two groups” are you talking about? :confused If you’re referring to the examples I mentioned of dinosaurs not directly involved in the war that have appeared in the story so far, you needn’t necessarily use those exact groups. You still could, obviously, but you could also introduce additional groups: perhaps the mixed herd of farwalkers from LBT VII, or an entirely new community of dinosaurs possessing weapons and/or battle strategies previously unknown to either side.
The big question I have is, how are the Great Valley dinosaurs going to defeat Claw Valley with the Reborn and Diamonds fighting for them? If the Stone of Cold Fire is destroyed, do the Reborn go back to being dead? (I assume the Diamonds are mortal, but extremely difficult to kill; would they return to normal if the Stone were destroyed, or is the change permanent?)
-
In Future Wars (the place where the Reborn were invented) Runners could take them down when their shotguns had Plasmic Shells to overcome their near immunity to other projectiles.
In Twilight Valley I suppose its either going to be (A) Destroying the Stone of Cold Fire, or (B) Crushing them under weight of numbers. As I have said before the Great Valley should have allies, as Claw aggression likely goes beyond simply the Great Valley attack. Theres bound to be some faction out there (leaf-eater or sharptooth) that wants to take them down bad enough to join with the Great Valley dinosaurs.
-
The big question I have is, how are the Great Valley dinosaurs going to defeat Claw Valley with the Reborn and Diamonds fighting for them? If the Stone of Cold Fire is destroyed, do the Reborn go back to being dead? (I assume the Diamonds are mortal, but extremely difficult to kill; would they return to normal if the Stone were destroyed, or is the change permanent?)
Diamonds and Reborn are capable of surviving massive injury (as in a spear through the head) but are not immortal. It is possible to kill them by using poisoned weapons, drowning them, setting them on fire or by simply inflicting massive trauma (beheading them, ripping them apart, crushing them, etc.)
And destroying the Stone of Cold Fire has no effect on the Diamonds. Not to mention that the Stone of Cold Fire is fairly hard to destroy. But if it is destroyed, all Reborn die instantly.
Wait...which ”two groups” are you talking about?
Dispossessed dinosaurs/farwalkers and defectors from Styracus's herd.
-
Damn it! I sort of know how the next chapter is going to play out but I cannot think of what to name it.
I know that chapter 36 will be the battle for the valley and it will be titled Primo Victoria (1 guess to where that name comes from).
-
Something like "The Calm Before the Storm?" That also is kinda a reference to The Land Before Time, since it's formatted the same way.
-
"The Calm Before the Storm" sounds like a good title :yes.
-
Can't wait to see how the next chapter plays out.
-
Chapter 35 is finished but I will post it tomorrow as I am getting very tired.
Also, note that I will be revamping the early chapters before new ones come out.
-
Revamping earlier chapters? You mean adjusting them for spelling and grammar mistakes and such or actually changing the backlore of the story? :!
-
Revamping earlier chapters? You mean adjusting them for spelling and grammar mistakes and such or actually changing the backlore of the story?
Cleaning up grammar and smoothing out the transitions (especially cleaning up the "artifact" age <Early chapters implied that the Gang of Five was the same age in the movies. That needs to be fixed as it was explicitly mentioned in one of the later chapters that the gang is in their early 20s >).
----------------------------
On that note: here is Chapter 35 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/35/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
Note that the alternate title is "The Calm Before the Storm"
----------------------------
Author's Notes
The alternate title is credited to Cancerian Tiger and LettuceBacon&Tomato.
The title "Forward Unto Dawn" is a reference to the starship Forward Unto Dawn from the Halo universe.
Mo's abrupt changes in speaking are indicative of his languages. Water Speak is rendered as standard English. His Leaf Eater is rendered as the distinctly accented and somewhat English heard in LBT IX.
-
Interesting and creative beginning. At first I was somewhat confused as to whom was fighting for whom, and that might become a problem later when you start describing Claw on VDF... erm I mean when the Great Valley and the Claw Valley are fighting.
I liked the concept of 'drawing grass' though it might have made more sense to use sticks in this case. At any rate Saurolo's death is a very old event in the timeline of the story, and I was surprised Ms. Swimmer did not know about it yet. I suppose Raptix ended up with quite the rotten job :lol
Mo's scouting mission was certainly enlightening, and I like how you had a 'mercenary' of a friend who backs out of aiding the Great Valley dinosaurs which demonstrates that there is an 'unaligned' element outside the Great Valley dinosaurs that isn't effected by the war and isn't prepared to participate.
That being said though, I'm surprised the Great Valley has not enjoyed any support from surrounding vallies which are also in danger of attack. I would think that news of the Claw aggression in the Great Valley and the brutality in Berry Valley would spread quickly and start to unite Excidium's prey against him.
As one last thing, at the very end all of the dinosaurs go 'in favour' which is a very unrealistic exchange in regards to agreement. Usually when you put a question to a crowd, they either put of their hand or go yay or nay.
For example:
"All in favour?"
"Me"
"I"
"Count me in"
etc.
PS: You still haven't reviewed the last two chapters of FAH, except for the spelling mistakes :cry
-
Thanks! I will clean up the end (and credit you with the changes). And I am starting to review FAH (spelling corrections will come later - assuming Pangaea does not beat me to it).
I may also hold off changes until Pangaea and CT review as well.
-
I liked the opening of this chapter. It felt like there really was a fight going on until it was revealed to be a game.
As for Ms. Swimmer not knowing about Saurolo's death, well, she just got her daughter back, the only surviving witness to his murder, aside from Ms. Maia (I think). I'm actually surprised Ducky had not told her mother just yet. A change could be to add in a later scene, when Ducky and her mother have a few moments alone and Ms. Swimmer could ask her about what happened. I'm sure she'd be horrified to learn Ducky actually witnessed everything :o.
I also agree with Caustizer's comments about the "in favor" part :yes.
-
Sorry for taking a while. :oops Here’s what I have to say about the chapter:
Caustizer and CT’s comments on Saurolo made me think of something else: in past chapters, when Ms. Swimmer has referenced Ducky being captured, absent, in need of rescue, etc., has she made any mention of Saurolo? I would expect her to express equal concern for both of them, and so she should speak of “Ducky and Saurolo” in most of those instances (except from cases in which Ducky is relevant to the subject at hand, but Saurolo is not). For that matter, Saurolo has hardly been mentioned at all by anyone besides Ducky (as far as I can recall); in revamping the earlier chapters, this is something you might want to address.
His other companion, a brown Runner* was struck with a javelin and fell to the ground.
*Insert comma.
The clearing itself was unremarkable* with verdant grass gently waving in the breeze and a pile of what appeared to be a pile of brown nuts[/COLOR].
The highlighted portion should be deleted. Also, another comma might be in order here.*
He got up and noticed* to his horror* * the enemy dinosaurs had followed them to the clearing.
*Commas.
*Insert “that”.
(*Comment written in spoilervision*)
Somehow, I found the scene at the beginning even more disturbing when it turned out to be a game played by dinosaur children than if it had been real.
By the way, you’re very good at coming up with names for LBT characters based on the scientific names of their species (or closely related species). I rather liked the ones you had for the characters at the beginning of the chapter. I’m pretty sure you got “Tabura” from Muttaburrasaurus and “Krito” from Kritosaurus, and I’m guessing Nomingia for “Mona”, but I’m stumped by “Shan”. :confused
"Raptix, you have to tell her," Littlefoot said, looking at the stalks
The end of this sentence is missing a period.
Ms. Swimmer, who had finished eating her meal* turned around and noticed Raptix standing behind her.
*Comma.
Wouldn’t the gang have learned from Ducky by now that Saurolo was definitively dead? (Also, I second what CT said on the subject of Saurolo.)
At the same time Hyp's sliding kick took place, Grey-Wing* along with Quetzal, Pterano, and Long-Wing, landed on the sidelines.
*There should be a comma here. Also, it may be redundant to include the words “along with”.
I liked how you handled Mo’s scouting mission; it was both interesting and refreshing to have some of the narrative done from the perspective of a basically neutral character who is uncertain or reluctant about getting involved in the war. And while I STRONGLY dislike racism and discrimination, I thought it was clever that you had Thal be prejudiced against landwalkers, seeing them as crude savages.
"I along with two of my herd members will listen in. You go explore other rivers," Mo said in Water-Speak.
Do you think it would make more sense for Mo to say “pod members”, “water brothers/sisters”, or even simply “water kin”, instead of “herd members”?
The polished black spearhead the Fast-Runners wore as necklaces gleamed in the afternoon sun.
Should be “spearheads”.
The dinosaurs then dispersed, paying no heed to the dolphin-like creature cavorting in the lake.
I can’t remember if you’ve previously used modern-day terms to describe things in the LBT world, but if you’re trying not to use anachronistic descriptors, I would suggest replacing “dolphin” with “fish”.
"Let me get this straight; you all are leaving the Great Valley?" the light green Crested Swimmer asked.
Since you already mentioned the Crested Swimmer’s color in the previous sentence, you might as well delete this.
Blackjack shook his head. He felt the anger rising within him. "Look, can't we find a peaceful solution to this? Like* maybe* I dunno, negotiate with the Great Valley dinosaurs?" he asked, making sure to keep his voice neutral.
*Insert commas and/or ellipses (…) here.
"Come on, Petrie* this isn't too bad. The smell of the Big Water and the brightfall are just beautiful," he said.
*Comma.
From Mo’s report to Grandpa Longneck:
"Mo learn of group of leaf eaters called Shade Sky Hunters. Mo think they trained to kill flyers. And Mo learn some leaf eaters mad at Styracus and leaving valley*"
*Period.
While Mo isn’t known for having an especially extensive Leafeater vocabulary, it kind of bugged me that he used exactly the same words in both of his reports (the one he made to the flyers, and the one to the Great Valley Elders).
Finally, a bit of late feedback for Chapters 26 and 27: At the end, when the gang first learns from Rime that Ducky is still alive, Littlefoot states that they should go to sleep and talk about it more in the morning. I would expect that the gang would want to hear more right then and there, with sleep being the last thing on their minds. Furthermore, I would expect them to tell the council (especially Ms. Swimmer) of this information as soon as they had the chance, rather than taking the time to play a game first. Also, Rime only mentions Ducky when he shares this information (and he never heard anything about Chomper in Chapter 14), but at the beginning of Chapter 28, Mr. Threehorn approves the expedition to rescue Ducky AND Chomper. If you change the chapters so that Rime overhears information about Chomper as well as Ducky in #14, there should be a scene in which he shares this information as well (in which you could also have Ms. Swimmer express concern for Saurolo by asking if he knows anything about him as well); otherwise the GV dinosaurs should be unaware of the fact that Chomper is on Cloud Island along with Ducky (though it is plausible that they would suspect he was there). Finally, when the elders are voting on the name for the Warriors’ Council, they do so with declarations of “in favor”, which Caustizer considered unrealistic.
-
Note: there will be some major league revamping of the story. Check here periodically for updates.
Chapter 1 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/1/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - uploaded
Chapter 2 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/2/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - uploaded
Chapter 3 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/3/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - uploaded
Chapter 4 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/4/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - uploaded
Chapter 5 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/5/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - uploaded
Chapter 6 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/6/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - in progress
Chapter 7 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/7/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 8 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/8/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 9 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/9/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 10 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/10/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 11 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/11/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 12 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/12/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 13 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/13/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 14 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/14/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 15 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/15/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 16 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/16/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 17 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/17/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 18 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/18/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 19 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/19/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 20 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/20/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 21 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/21/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 22 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/22/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 23 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/23/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 24 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/24/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 25 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/25/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 26 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/26/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 27 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/27/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 28 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/28/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 29 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/29/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 30 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/30/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 31 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/31/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 32 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/32/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 33 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/33/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 34 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/34/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
Chapter 35 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/35/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley): Status - not started
------------------------------------
On a side note, I did run into a serious snag: how to I justify the TWV dinosaurs using stone age weapons and herbs? I simply cannot edit that out as that is one of the "signatures" of TWV. And having the weapons simply "appear" is unsatisfying for me.
Any suggestions?
-
It's nice to know your making progress. If I may suggest it, a way they could be using stone age weapons is that they learn about them from Claw Valley's attacks. Herbs could be simply linked to one with a high knowledge of plants, such as Mr. Bigmouth, using them for practical purposes.
In some cases it would not make sense to use weapons (like longnecks or threehorns) but in the times where it does I don't see any errors with having them around. After all, it's only a small step from their current unmaterialistic way of thinking into using what the environment provides.
Also, what do you think of the latest part of Far Away Home? I've been trying to isolate the patterns within chapters and change things up a bit. :angel
-
Sorry it took me a while to share this, but I had a few ideas regarding the issue of introducing the use of weapons and herbs in Twilight Valley:
Perhaps some leafeater (one poorly equipped for physical combat, such as a runner or swimmer) could accidentally discover the usefulness of weapons in a desperate situation. Cornered by a more dangerous dinosaur such as a sickleclaw, the leafeater might try to defend itself by throwing rocks (similar to what the gang has done on many occasions). By chance (or perhaps on purpose), the leafeater throws a stone which happens to be particularly sharp, and ends up wounding or killing the sickleclaw. Alternatively, the leafeater could use the stone to slash or stab his or her attacker, inadvertently inventing the knife. The leafeater tells the other characters how he or she escaped, and the idea of using sharpened stones for defense is born. As they practice learning how to use such weapons, the dinosaurs find that it is difficult to accurately strike a target with a thrown blade over a long distance, and risky to get close enough to an enemy (especially one naturally equipped with an arsenal of biological blades) to stab or slash it to death. However (perhaps from another individual’s anecdote of improvised weaponry), they find that a long, straight stick can be thrown accurately from much farther away, and also removes the necessity for an individual to come within striking range of a sharptooth in order to stab it. Someone gets the idea of tying a stone blade onto the end of a stick, and the spear is invented.
Another possible origin for the use of the knife in combat could tie in with the preparation of herbs. Mr. Bigmouth, for instance, could require a means of cutting up some plants for one reason or another, and uses a sharp rock (either naturally sharp or artificially sharpened) to do so. If he or some other character is surprised by an attacker, and one such tool happens to be at hand, that character could use it as a weapon in a desperate attempt to defend his or her self. This leads to the use of stone knives in battle.
As for the introduction of herbs, I can’t think of much to suggest, but I’ve always assumed Mr. Bigmouth was an expert on plants and their properties. And from what I recall, the Claw Valley dinosaurs have their own herbalists, and sometimes even “steal” knowledge of plant uses from the Great Valley dinosaurs. The LBT dinosaurs have been seen to use leaves as bandages and even painkillers (“The Great Log-Running Game”), so it’s not too great a step to introduce some of the more specialized plant uses. If you could post a list of TWV plants and their properties, I might be able to come up with more helpful and specific suggestions.
-
I do like the revamped chapters better so far :yes. The part about Cera being profane cracked me up :lol. If they were human, I'd imagine Mr. Threehorn would be a sailor at some point, since sailors tend to teach their kids all the words in the book :lol. I know this from personal experience, anyway.
-
I would also like to mention that an authorized spin-off of Twilight Valley exists. It is written by Scrattelover.
Here it is: Twilight Valley: Blood Ruby (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6135199/1/Twilight_Valley_Blood_Ruby)
------------------------------
On a side note, chapter 5 of TWV has been revamped and is uploaded in honor of Pangaea's birthday! :celebrate
-
I would also like to mention that an authorized spin-off of Twilight Valley exists. It is written by Scrattelover.
Here it is: Twilight Valley: Blood Ruby (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6135199/1/Twilight_Valley_Blood_Ruby)
It currently has four chapters, and I won't be getting around to fifth until I get this requested story fully uploaded on to fanfiction.net. A friend asked me to post it when he saw I have an account there.
I'm forgot to mention that I'm crediting Serris as the owner of the title and the title of chapter one.
EDIT: On hold due to writer's block
-
After a VERY long time, here is chapter 36! :cheers :cheers :cheers :celebrate :celebrate :celebrate
-----------------------
I had originally planned to do the Great Valley battle and Blackjack meeting the heroes but I realized that would make the chapter too long.
Chapter 36 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/36/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
-----------------------
Author's Notes
The chapter title is named after the track Primo Victoria (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IrJAwCBbnuc) by Sabaton. The lyrics in the track are about D-Day. While the temporal dissonance is rather strong, the lyrics are remarkably appropriate.
The crude maces used by Blackjack's group are the same design as the mace that Deimos uses in the Smash Brothers: Collision (http://www.gangoffive.net/index.php?topic=4694).
-
I sense a battle is about to happen, and an epic one at that :D.
Nice chapter, and I especially liked how the emotions of the characters regarding warfare were further explored in this chapter :yes.
-
It's nice to see that after so much time you are writing chapters to Twilight Valley again. It's been so long that I had forgotten what had happened in the past chapter or two, so I had to look back at previous ones to remind myself.
You start out with Blackjack, a club tail who intends to break away from Styracus' herd. I found it kind of odd that he would use the term 'surrendering' as it seems very humble and defeated for one so angry and defiant. To me, it would make a lot more sense for him to want to 'defect' to the Great Valley dinosaurs, as in join their side against Styracus.
Why does it seem like when you mention an unimportant character by name, that they often suffer something very painful that's either death or injury in the next few paragraphs :lol
Bigmouth is as creative as ever, and shows a surprisingly high amount of distain for Pterano. Since the former exile is the head of the GV Airforce, maybe Bigmouth should be a little bit nicer to him next time. :angel Also it wouldn't be a good trademark Bigmouth scene without the expected accident with the equipment. :)
Deimos is one of the better characters in the story in my opinion, not only because he is vulgar and likeable but also because he casts sharpteeth in a better light then the brutal Claw Dinosaurs. The idea of a 'taboo' within sharpteeth society about a particular type of weapon is very similar to Claw in Future Wars - did you like that idea there and apply it here?
Lastly, I am impressed by your inclusion of setting description in this latest chapter. Normally you don't do it or gloss it over instead of using imagery, so it stuck me as unusual for this story but also a good direction to go with your writing.
Caustizer
-
Bigmouth is as creative as ever, and shows a surprisingly high amount of distain for Pterano. Since the former exile is the head of the GV Airforce, maybe Bigmouth should be a little bit nicer to him next time. :angel Also it wouldn't be a good trademark Bigmouth scene without the expected accident with the equipment.
Mr. Bigmouth is just in a bad mood because he had no sleep for the past day or so.
What accident are you referring to?
I kind of want to make Mr. Bigmouth the "clumsy scientist" type. Brilliant and creative but somewhat physically inept.
The idea of a 'taboo' within sharpteeth society about a particular type of weapon is very similar to Claw in Future Wars - did you like that idea there and apply it here?
The weapons taboo was partially inspired by Future Wars but I figured that sharpteeth would prefer weapons that spill blood (hence their preference for edged weapons) as it fits their predatory nature. If you noticed, the majority of sharpteeth use weapons like spears, knives, claws, teeth, javelins, clubs studded with broken shells and rocks. They rarely use plain wood clubs or other blunt weapons.
----------------------
I found it kind of odd that he would use the term 'surrendering' as it seems very humble and defeated for one so angry and defiant. To me, it would make a lot more sense for him to want to 'defect' to the Great Valley dinosaurs, as in join their side against Styracus.
I was not sure if the dinosaurs had a word for "defect". In any case, surrender serves as a nearly perfect synonym for them.
----------------------
In any case, CT, Caustizer, thanks for the reviews and comments.
-
I was talking about him burning the glade, but i misread i as an accident when it was actually done on purpose. My bad.
-
I’m so sorry! I forgot all about the new chapter and my duty to proofread it! (Curse my colander memory! :bang)
"Blackjack, you really don't mean to surrender, do you?" the pink Threehorn asked as she approached him.
Since there was no prior mention of this threehorn, this should be “a”.
Blackjack, already angry from the fellow deserters who * questioned him, exploded. "If I didn't want to surrender, you think I would be out here*!" he screamed.
*Insert “had”.
*Insert question mark.
Granted, Blackjack had never actually hurt anyone but he has destroyed several objects with his deadly tail.
Should be “has”.
Another deserter, a pink Fast-Runner, pulled up one of * desert plants and ate the leaves.
*Insert “the”.
Neither of them knew how to craft weapons such as spears, slings or knives – due to Yellowbelly society being rather isolated, thus contact with dinosaurs who used weapons was rare.
It is redundant to use both “due to” and “thus”; I would suggest removing “thus”.
In addition, many Yellowbellies made it a game to see who van throw an object the furthest and with the greatest accuracy.
Should be “could”.
"Now that you mention it-" Raptix failed to stifle a huge yawn "- I am getting tired."
This is a minor one, but there is some inconsistent punctuation usage here: hyphens are used instead of dashes, and one has a space separating it from the adjacent word while the other does not.
Ms. Swimmer sighed; on one hand, she wanted to avenge the deaths of Saurolo and the torture of Ducky – even if it meant beating a sharptooth to death with her bare hands.
Should be “death”.
The times where conversation was about things like what was good to eat, stories from out childhood and talking about our children, not things like the best shape for spearheads, how to break another dinosaur's neck barehanded or how to cut a sickleclaw's throat," Ms. Swimmer said over Deimos's profane outburst.
”Where” should be “when” and “out” should be “our”. Also, it’s tautological to say “conversation was about…talking about”; at least “talking” should be removed.
somnis tree sap, nowhere * as lethal as penthium but it required less cooking time.
”It required” should be “requiring”.
*Insert “near”.
He yawned as he did so; he had literally not slept for nearly * the previous night and was quite tired.
*I think “all of” is missing here.
The smell would have made anyone * sick but Mr. Bigmouth had been exposed to the odors of various medicinal herbs for so long that he was immune to their nauseating effects.
*Insert “else”
"Mr. Bigmouth-oh dear, the odor in here is quite revolting," Pterano said
Another hyphen that should be a dash framed by spaces (if you wish to keep your punctuation consistent).
Even though his weapon was much smaller than * one wielded by Strut and the others, the darts were no less deadly.
”Ones” should be “one.”
*Insert “the”.
He was walking between Spike and * Clubtail with a Fast-Runner rider.
*Unless the clubtail in question is Mr. Clubtail, an “a” should be inserted here.
The heat was starting to make him weak, further compounding the issue was the fact that he had not eaten in almost two days.
Personally, I think this should be two separate sentences.
Some of the other dinosaurs had managed to get hold of some rocks and were making some weapons.
Should be “ahold”.
Almost immediately, Blackjack galloped up to them.
Not an error; just a comment/opinion: “gallop” is not a word that springs to mind when thinking of clubtail locomotion (at least not in this instance in which there is no threat or emergency or other reason for Blackjack to move quickly).
He * never liked Clubtails but this one's unusually bold approach particularly irked him.
*Insert “had”
He dual sticks were out but in a nonthreatening position.
Should be “her”.
He hated Clubtails but he remembered how Mr. Thicknose * said that wartime was not a time to be prejudiced against potential allies.
*Insert “had”
As soon as Ms. Swimmer left, Blackjack then turned to his dinosaurs.
Remove “then”.
"Sorry about that, my name's Blackjack and I'm the leader of his small group of dinosaurs," Blackjack replied.
Should be “this”. Also, just an opinion, but I find it strange that he says “this small group of dinosaurs”. It seems overly descriptive. Why not just “this group”?
"We have deserted from the Great Valley's occupying dinosaurs and we have come to surrender," Blackjack replied calmly.
Remove “from”.
And now some comments:
Even before he elaborated on it, I thought Raptix’s expressed disdain for poison darts was interesting. It does make sense to me that creatures naturally equipped with weapons for killing would consider using artificial weapons to be in some way “unnatural”.
I also liked the emotional moments with Ducky and her views on the war. It seems to me that if any character were to have those feelings, it would be her. (Same goes for Ms. Swimmer.)
And wow. I really can’t imagine Foobie swearing. :lol (Actually, I have a hard time imagining any yellow belly using profanity.) It’s good that you gave the yellow bellies one area of strength (throwing things and hitting targets accurately); it makes them seem less pathetic and easier to take seriously.
Finally, I liked the short exchange between Cera and Strut. To be perfectly honest, throughout most of the story Strut’s character hasn’t felt much like his LBT II self, in my opinion. This scene was a very positive exception.
-
Oh sorry! VERY belated thanks for the comments, Caustizer, CT, Pangaea.
Ugh, it looks like my schedule is starting to slip...then again, I have 2 finals in a week and a final paper due in the next week or two.
Also, I am starting to lose some drive on writing this.
Worry not; I will try to get something out after everything is done.
-
Hey, don't worry about it. I'm sure many of us here remember (or still deal with) how tough the last couple of weeks in a semester can be. Try leaving TWV on the back burner until all your school-related work is done, and maybe your motivation will return :idea.
-
Okay, I want everyone to know that I am about a quarter to a third done with the latest chapter. I am suffering from a huge writer's block as well as a lot of work.
So please, do not give up hope.
-
No hope given up here :).
-
Okay, I am somewhat back on track but I have not decided what condition to have the battle in.
I am stuck between: clear night, day thunderstorm, night thunderstorm, foggy day, foggy night, snowy day, snowy night.
So any suggestions?
-
I would say that a night thunderstorm or a foggy night would make the fight seem more like a fight like earlier ones in the story, and probably more interesting too. I'm kind of tied between those two, sorry I can suggest much else.
But if you go with a night thunderstorm, you could have the thunder exlode every time somebody is killed or injured in the fight, and if you go with the foggy night, you could use the same scenario, only have the fog get thicker or something like that to add a more eerie feeling or drama to the next chapter.
Or you could do a snowy night, what season is it currently in Twilight Valley? Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter? Fog or a thunderstorm at night could apply to all four, but you mentioned a snowy day or night as an option, so I was just curious. Sorry I can't offer more, that's all I could come up with.
I've been working on a fic of my own (not lbt) for quite some time, and I just finished it yesterday, and I'm low on ideas for anything as of now.
Hope these help or give you some ideas. :) Its the best I could think of for now.
[size0]Off topic: I wish my name would show up as Adder everywhere. <_<
-
I would say thunderstorm (either day or night), but I feel this is cliched in battle scenes. It just sounds like it's been used a lot of times in stories, but that's just my take on it.
Fog would be interesting to use for a battle scene, and so would snow. I like the sound of a foggy and snowy night, simply for the eerie factor. Who wouldn't be scared as hell fighting in dense fog :!? On top of that, snow wouldn't make the visibility any easier. It could be like one of those whiteouts that folks up north encounter during the winter months.
-
Who wouldn't be scared as hell fighting in dense fog :!?
Besides Cera, nobody. Not much can scare Cera.
[size0]Except sharks and sharpteeth anyway. :p
-
Well, for some reason I really can't imagine the battle taking place in a snowy setting. And didn't you already have some foggy battle scenes in the Land of Mists? I agree with CT that epic battles set during thunderstorms are a little clichÈd, but personally I think that would be the way to go, especially if you want a dramatic setting.
I think you could make a thunderstorm battle a little more original by having the weather conditions actually affect the combatants. For instance, wet ground causing characters to lose their footing. An ill-timed slip could play havoc with the odds in a fight, making the outcome of any battle far less predictable. (A fast runner could triumph over a large sharptooth if the latter slipped and impaled itself on the former's spear or something.)
Also, lightning strikes. Considering the power and danger of these natural phenomena, it surprises me that they almost never do anything in battle scenes besides provide dramatic lighting (almost always in concert with thunder). It would be interesting to see them have a physical impact on the fighters. Something I've wondered for a while how susceptible some of the larger dinosaurs (especially the tall sauropods) were to being struck by lightning. There's also the possibility of lightning strikes knocking down trees, or even secondarily striking dinosaurs who are in contact with a tall object such as a tree or rock. Even a weapon raised especially high could be a potential lightning rod.
Finally, assuming it's the (former) Great Valley dinosaurs who make the first move to take back their home, it's logical that they would choose to do so at a time when they would have the best chance of succeeding. Rain would be a hindrance to both leafeaters and sharpteeth (and indeed they might not intend to strike during a thunderstorm), but it occurs to me that sharpteeth might see better at night (do you ever state that in your story?), so I think a daytime thunderstorm (perhaps in the early morning) might make more sense.
Who wouldn't be scared as hell fighting in dense fog :!?
Besides Cera, nobody. Not much can scare Cera.
[size0]Except sharks and sharpteeth anyway. :p
She does also seem to have a fear of thunderstorms, as evidenced in the first two movies and stated in the fifth (and I may be forgetting more examples).
-
Nope, no foggy battle, yet. So far, I think the best idea may be an early sneak attack under the cover of "early morning fog". This will then switch to a vicious thunderstorm around mid morning-early afternoon.
Oh and I will try to work in the lightning strikes...maybe even have a few fires started by them...
As for snow, I may have that some time later in the story.
Thanks for all the help, guys!
-
Fog would make an interesting settting, though Thunderstorms do indeed seem to be the thing to do for big battles like this.
-
YES. After months of the most painful writer's block imaginable, it is here! Chapter 37 of Twilight Valley.
Granted, it may not be my best but remember that I just managed to break writer's block that lasted months.
--------------------------
Chapter 37 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4044080/37/Land_Before_Time_Twilight_Valley)
--------------------------
Author's Notes:
The chapter title takes its name from a piece of trailer music of the same name by West One Music (http://westonemusic.com)
Wingtails are property of Sky.
Wingtail glass-making, Feral Forest and Black Mountain are all from Caustizer's fan fiction Far Away Home
-
It's nice to see another chapter of Twilight Valley... I was beginning to think that it wasn't coming! :unsure:
The integration of Blackjack's herd into the Great Valley dinosaurs was understandably rough and was well covered in this chapter. I like how they laid down strict measures against the newcomers because it shows that they are beginning to change their ways of thinking to counter the underhanded tactics that Claw Valley is using. I know that I would be suspicious too in that kind of scenario.
The Reborn and Diamondclaws clearly have a unique and brutal idea of sport... I can understand why the living that serve alongside them are unnerved by it. If these 'enhanced' sharpteeth can do this kind of damage to one another it would be child's play for them to do it to you... and unfortunately the effects would be quite perminant. I wonder how the Great Valley dinosaurs are going to counter Claw Valley's new weapon (somehow I doubt it's going to involve Plasma Shells :lol )
All the above being said I do feel that the story is kind of going a bit slowly. The majority of text in the thirty seven chapters covers the preperations and impacts of war with some combat, but the plot has moved at the speed of a grinding wheel which can make reading through a chapter and have nothing happen somewhat annoying.
I don't mean you have to have them beating the crap out of Excidium in two chapters, but seeing strings of the plot tie themselves up (such as Ducky and Ms. Maia, Deimos and the other sharpteeth resolving their conflicts with Claw Valley, Ozzy vs. Strut, etc) is much more appealing than the usual routine of checking what new confections Mr. Bigmouth is working on, watching denizens practise their combat arts, and observing the acting out of the petty squabbles between minor characters.
I don't think you should stop doing them at all, but my honest opinion is that by this late in the story it would be nice to see things start to come together. :angel
I appreciate the reference to wingtails too... they sure are intolerant of outsiders! :anger
Caustizer
-
Besides pretty much all that Caustizer has said, I have a very strong feeling an epic battle is on the horizon :yes.
-
The giant battle may cover more than one chapter, just to let you all know.
-
This fanfiction has been nominated by its author to be rated for the fanfiction awards 2011. To all the readers and fans of this fanfiction, please rate and review (http://www.gangoffive.net/index.php?topic=9467) it! :)
-
Oh, belated thanks to Caustizer and everyone who voted for my fic in the awards.
I know the fic moves slowly but I tried to capture the fact that in most wars there is a lot of "downtime" in between battles.
Not to worry, it will start picking up.
On a side note, I am heading back to school in a week or so, so unless my something absolutely insane happens, don't expect a new chapter for a month or so.
-
*Sigh*
I had hoped that this would not occur and I wish I didn't have to say it but Twilight Valley is now on hiatus until I can get my writing abilities back up to speed and figure out where to take things.
-
Sorry to hear that. Writer's block sucks <_<.
-
Ah hopefully you can come up with something good soon. Sorry to hear that. Looking forward to the next chapter.
-
(http://images.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/10551984.jpg)
-
(http://images.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/10551984.jpg)
Please read this announcement:
I had hoped that this would not occur and I wish I didn't have to say it but Twilight Valley is now on hiatus until I can get my writing abilities back up to speed and figure out where to take things.
-----------
On a side note, writing a smaller story is starting to revive my writing abilities and I sort of see where the story will be going in the next few chapters.
That said, I am hesitant to make a solid date for the next chapter.
-
Ah And I bet it will be a great chapter. Looking forward to ereading it when ever it's done.