Part 2:The entire screen is shrouded in light and Mio and Giant Floating Head have apparently successfully pulled off reentry. A land mass comes into view through the clouds, and Mio asks where they are. The Big Giant Head answers that that is “Green Meadow Island”. Right now, I’m sure Hasbro is probably kicking themselves for not having thought of that first for a
My Little Pony location. The Head formally welcomes him to The Land of Faraway as they pass by an obvious castle model.
When they pass by the castle, I always expect to hear:
“Roger, you are clear for landing, Head. Over.”As they near the ground, Mio can see a figure standing on the shore (The King, played by Bottoms in his second of two roles in this movie). The Head starts to introduce him, but Mio cuts him off, stating that he already knows: “That’s my father.” The spirit answers: “Yes, you father. The King of the Land of Faraway.”
Faery Tale ClichÈ # 47C: The Long Lost Parent is a Ruler of Some Kind.
Actually, the King is dressed pretty unimpressively, with his garb more akin to hippy robes with one of those plastic Burger King crowns they used to sell adorning his head. The spirit sets Mio down and the boy rushes over to his father and hugs him. The King simply says, “Mio. My Mio,” and wraps his arms around his son, with his robes are covering Mio’s entire body except his head. When they break the embrace, Mio is suddenly dressed in…Luke Skywalker’s wardrobe from the first
Star Wars movie? ...Okay.
Mio is surprised and asked why the king is calling him that (his name was Bosse on Earth). The King has this to say: “I searched for you for many years, always saying, ëMio. My Mio.’ So you see, I should know that is your name.” …Whatever floats your boat, bub.
Then we cut to Mio and the King (no, seriously, he’s never identified under any other name) wandering one the castle gardens and Mio narrates that “My father took my hand in his. It felt good to feel my hand in his, like a right father. I always that that the Aunt Edna and Uncle Sixton was all wrong. This was my father.”
Yeah, it’s all so right now. In fact, everything’s so right now that he never came back to find you despite the fact that Stockholm is your mother was born, raised, and died. So right that’s where we had one of his agents stationed keeping watch on you so therefore knew exactly where you were the entire time. So right that he knew you were being abused but never did anything about it.
Seriously, what the hell was a king of a fantasy world even doing in Stockholm, anyway? And why did he stay long enough for all of Mio’s Earthly relatives to meet him after boinking Mio’s mom? In fact, why did he procreate with Mio’s mom? Were the ladies just not putting out in Green Meadow Island? Was he banished by his father for picking a fight with Ice Giants? And why did he not come claim his child the instant the mother was dead? We are given absolutely no explanation for any of this. I don’t get this entire plot point. In fact, the whole thing about Mio being from Earth ends up such a non-issue once the next major plot element gets going that the film could have just abandoned the entire fairy taleesque first act altogether.
Yes, that’s right. The rest of the film? It has absolutely nothing to do what we’ve just seen up to this point. So unless there’s some other plot point from the book that made Mio being from Earth relevant for the remainder of story, and this film is just leaving it out, there was no purpose in not just beginning the film with Mio already as the prince of the Land of Faraway. But enough about that, we have ten year olds with absolutely no riding experience to stuff onto saddles.
Back to business, the actor playing Mio drones on about how wonderful his true home is with all the conviction of someone put under heavy sedation. Then we hear the clopping of hooves approaching, and it is a fully saddled and bridled white horse with no rider. Mio looks up at his father, who nods, and the boy runs up to the horse. He looks at dad again, and who nods again, and he starts petting the horse.
“What’s his name,” Mio asks.
“Shadowfax, the Lord of all Horses.”
Okay, not really, but he is Shadowfax under another name. Here, he’s called Miramas, likely a shout out to the Distribution Company for the U.S. release of this film, Miramax. The King announces that this is Mio’s horse and hoists the boy onto the saddle. Mio explains that he doesn’t know how to ride. Now, obviously the King does the responsible thing and starts giving him lessons, right?
“Oh, Mio, you will find that you can do anything, as long as you have the courage to try.”…King, you’re a terrible parent. You know what, let’s keep a running list of bad parenting from the King, starting now:
-Irresponsibly leaving kingdom behind to go visit earth and screw Earthling women.
-Impregnates at least one Earthling woman and skips town.
-Keeps tabs on his son, but never once intervenes after the mother dies and just leaves him to be abused until he comes looking for him.
-Puts boy on horse’s saddle and sends him off without a single riding lesson.
So Mio somehow manages to ride Miramas to the end of a stone road and back to the King without losing control, despite not knowing how to use the reins.
As the King lowers Mio to the ground from the saddle, Mio wishes that his friend Benke could be here to see this. The King asks who that is, and Mio starts to explain, but they are interrupted by the arrival of Yum-Yum (Bale in the second of two roles in this film). Mio runs over him, happily thinking that Benke has somehow followed him to The Land of Faraway, but Yum-Yum corrects, stating that he’s the son of the castle gardener.
Trivia: the movie poster actually featured Mio and Benke on the cover in modern streets clothes with the tagline: "Two friends, thousands of miles from one, on an epic adventure."
So, let me get this straight. Benke had the perfect dad back on earth, as well as a decent household when Mio had nothing. And Mio is now frikkin royalty and his dad is a man who looks exactly like Benke’s father, and a boy who looks and acts just like Benke is here as his servant. This is starting to sound more and more like a Self-Insert Fanfiction. And I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no. This does not turn out to be a dream at the end. Either Mio is the latest incarnation of Haruhi Suzumiya, or he’s entered a land that changes to fit the every whim of Earthlings that dwell there.
Anyway, Yum-Yum gushes about how lucky Mio is have Miramas as his horse. Miramas being the finest horse in the land. Mio asks if he wants to ride, too, and Yum-Yum asks, “Would I!”
The film jumps to them riding on Miramas’s back through the countryside.
King’s Bad Parenting:
-Irresponsibly leaving kingdom behind to go visit earth and screw Earthling women.
-Impregnates at least one Earthling woman and skips town.
-Keeps tabs on his son, but never once intervenes after the mother dies and just leaves him to be abused until he comes looking for him.
-Puts boy on horse’s saddle and sends him off without a single riding lesson.
-Lets untrained son take a passenger with him.
The boy ride through the country until they meet up with some other children. Mio starts to introduce himself, but the kids cut him off, saying they know he’s the young prince come home. They are gathered around a well, and the youngest girl asks if it’s time yet. The older boy tells her, “Not yet.”
Mio asks what is going on and why the well doesn’t have a bucket. They answer that this is a “Whispering Well”. One of the girls gives Mio a real creepy smile that I guess was supposed to be her having a crush on him, but it comes off more as “I will enjoy chopping you up and cooking you later”.
Oh, yeah, and Christian Bale has an utterly bored and unimpressed look as this scene plays, as if he realizes just how bad a movie he’s picked to be his feature length debut. I mean, the other kids at least try to feign enthusiasm and some look like they’re having fun, but Bale is just this “Oh God, what am I doing here” look on his face the whole time while Mio talks with them. It also doesn’t help that Yum-Yum doesn’t have any lines in this scene, pretty giving him nothing to do but just stand there staring at a well. At one point, he just kind of plops down on it with an “alrighty then” look on his face.
The kids are interrupted by the sounds of a flute being played in the distance and the camera pans over an open field until we see a little shepherd boy guiding some sheep along, apparently hypnotizing with his music.
Needless to say, the sheep aren’t actually hypnotized in any way, but the film still tries to pass it off like they are. That said, the child actor playing Shepherd Boy actually keeps pretty good control of the sheep and keeps them bunched together while herding them up closer to the camera. As in, on a competency level I’d actually expect from someone who has been raised around sheep, so I think it’s safe to say that the casting directors included this as part of the call: “Wanting Child Actors ages 10-13. At least one of them must know how to herd sheep.”
Shepherd Boy also knows who Mio is upon seeing him, much to Mio’s surprise. Anyway, Shepherd Boy introduces himself as “No-No”. Yes, really. Anyway, Mio asks to learn how to play that flute of his, and thankfully No-No comes prepared and produces two extra flutes from his belt. He explains that they belonged to his two brothers, but “they will not be needing them anyway.” …*Cough* Awkward.
The actor then pulls off a fairly convincing solemn sigh while staring at the flutes. He shakes it off and starts showing Mio and Yum-Yum how to play, despite the latter not asking to be shown, but hey, at least he finally has something to do other than just stand there watching other people exchange dialogue and act. Then the three proceed to play their flutes completely out of sync with each other to the point of annoyance.
Mio narrates that the skill of flute playing has been passed down through the shepherd’s family.
Anyway, a girl carrying a tray of bread and water comes out of a nearby house and sets it on the edge of the well. The other kids gather around and she gives out the bread. Mio comments that it’s the best he’s ever tasted. “It’s the bread that satisfies all hunger,” she explains. Hmm. That’s a bit of mouthful. How about calling it Lembas Bread? He gives Mio a whole loaf, stating that he’s going to need it. We suddenly hear a whispering sound start to pick and “its time” to listen to the chatterbox well now.
The kids gather around the well’s edge, and Mio is instructed to remain perfectly quiet as it begins talking:
“Once upon a time, there lived an evil and cruel knight in the blackest and grimmest of castles. He was so evil that he carried off all the children that lived in the nearby countryside.”It still too soon to make Michael Jackson joke? Anyway, we see a figure dressed in black robes riding upon a black horse. On his left hand is a metal claw that looks a lot like Dr. Claw’s…claw. Three guesses as to who plays this evil knight.
“And his guards and spies all had hearts of the hardest stone. And for thousands and thousands of years, people lived in terror of the evil knight. Those children that refused to serve him were turned into birds, doomed to circle above his castle until the day when all that was left of his castle was a while of stones. Then one day, a son of royal blood came. He was accompanied by a single companion, and he rode on a beauty white horse through the Forest of Mysteries.”Faery Tale Cliche #31K: Bad man, oppresses citizens. Go kill!
Then we abruptly cut back to the castle. Mio enters the throne room, and approaches his father. He asks where the Forest of Mysteries is. King asks why he wants to know. Mio explains his intent, and the King just utters, “So soon” in a sad tone. Mio asks if he would rather he didn’t go, but the King says no, and tells him to go, but first he must know a few things. One of which is “The Land Outside”. Such original names in this land. It lies beyond the Forest of Mysteries. Mio asks who lives there, and the King answers, “Kato, the Evil Knight.”
Upon mentioning of the evil knight’s true name the skies darkens, the sun is blotted out, a powerful gust of forcefully opens several doors and takes some window frames off their hinges while the world quakes for just an instant. And then the world returns to normal afterwards. Dude! Even mentioning Voldemort’s name didn’t get that kind of reaction! The King holds Mio close to him when this happens, and confesses that he would rather Mio didn’t go, but the thought of Kato being allowed to continue his reign of evil hurts him more.
Then Mio dishes out this wonderful line of philosophy: “Then, if thinking of him hurts you so, then don’t think of him.” Truly an inspiration to us all. He then asks his father not to be sad about this parting, and the King promises. They embrace once more and Mio is on his way, making his own promise to return as soon as he can.
Now, since Kato has been around for thousands of years... So, King, how come you didn’t take a single companion on a white horse through the Forest of Mysteries to defeat him when you were a kid. Did you seriously only bring Mio here to get rid of Kato so you wouldn't have to or what?
The King’s Bad Parenting:
-Irresponsibly leaving kingdom behind to go visit earth and screw Earthling women.
-Impregnates at least one Earthling woman and skips town.
-Keeps tabs on his son, but never once intervenes after the mother dies and just leaves him to be abused until he comes looking for him.
-Lets untrained son take a passenger with him.
-Puts boy on horse’s saddle and sends him off without a single riding lesson.
-Chickens out and pushes reponsibility for killing the Big Bad onto his son.
So, without a weapon or supplies, Mio sets off, but first stops by the garden and tells Yum-Yum what he’s up to. He’s going to ride through the Forest of Mysteries when the moon is up, instead of at the beginning of a new day. Why? I have no idea. Must be a quest thing. Anyway, Yum-Yum decides to go to and he’s actually come with supplies. Blankets and Lembas Bread.
So let me get this straight:
A young orphan.
He just came into a substantial inheritance.
Sets out on a quest to rid the world of evil:
WITH HIS GARDENER!!!
On Shadowfax’s back.
Did the people who made this movie not think we’d catch these?
So the two set of on Miramas’s back across the land again at midday, instead of at night. Eventually, they come to an obvious Matte Painting…er, bridge. Yum-Yum explains that the King’s guards pull the bridge up at night to keep anyone from crossing into Green Meadow Island. Then Mio asks why they’d do that and who lives on the other side. Um, the evil knight that both a talking well and your father just told you about, moron? Sadly, Yum-Yum decides to justify that with a polite answer and once he says Kato’s name again, the same thing that happened before makes reprisal. Voldemort would kill for publicity like that.
And, despite it being daytime, the guards are already pulling the bridge up, so Mio bids Miramas book it and the horse races across the raising bridge and manages to make a poorly shot death defying leap across the bridge. In fact, we never even see him make the jump. The camera is up close to the two riders pretending that they’re making a death defying leap intercut with a couple of shots of the horse's legs leaving the ground in what are obviously smaller leaps.
Once on the other side, Mio exclaims that he had no idea Miramas could do that, and then Yum-Yum, in the snarkiest tone imaginable, replies: “There’s still so much you don’t know, Mio.” Yeah, there’s little-to-no doubt that that was just Bale being smart-alecky.
And thus, the two are soon in the Forest of Mysteries.
