I was in a really helpless/hopeless mad mood this afternoon. I am stuck. I am trapped. I can't relate to most of the stuff you guys talk about here.
My off-days are just.. sleep to about 10:30-11:00. shower, dress. game show.. go to mall or wal-mart, or barnes and noble for an afternoon, eat at McDonald's or Burger King.. then at 5:00 or 6:00, mommy asks me to be home by then.
at 7:00, set the table.. sit/eat dinner, then at about 8:30 it's time to clear the table, (don't bother mom. :| she watches tv and says "shh.. shh.. i'm watching this, not now." sometimes... at 8:30 it's time to fill the sink with soap, take out the sponge and wash the pots and pans that are too big for the dishwasher, then dry.. then drain the sink.. then go sit in the computer. at about 10:30-11:00 mom will interrupt me and say "let the dogs outside/take the dogs outside.." I do that, then come back in, mom says goodnight, (sometimes I have a short talk when she's in bed watching tv,) then I say goodbye, and they go to sleep, then I go back to my laptop, and play/internet on it until I go to bed. which sometimes is between 2:30-3:30am, then I go to bed..
*That's a day off for me*
*for a working day..*
If my shift starts in the afternoon, I stay in bed until 10:30-11:00am, then get up, eat, shower, uniform on, leave and go to the store about 20-30 minutes before I start.
If I start in the morning, I set my alarm clock for 1 1/2 hours before my shift starts. If I DO have to shave (which I do every 2-3 days in the morning before showering.), then I give myself shaving time and set my alarm 2 hours before my shift starts.
For getting out at night, If it's after.. 8:00, then I stop at Wendy's, Subway, or McDonald's and get dinner there, then go home after stopping to eat. **End of workday*.. and mom may get mad if I get out between 5:00-7:00pm, and I don't decide to eat dinner at home, and stop for something. **Don't make mom mad, Jared, or she'll nag at you for "buying junk" instead of eating the dinner she's cooked and is about to put on the table.
These patterns are fixed in my head.*** I KNOW my days. ***
I do nothing fascinating or adventerous, there are no surprises, that some of you guys talk about. I'm still mad/disappointed that mom's not making any money at her real estate job..
And I feel that all of the chores I do at the store are for a lost cause. Dad felt kinda bummed with me that the most/maximum amount I can possibly generate/get paid at my job is $250-something per week, and he knows i've been busy working, dad's been very busy/exhausted from working on his night shift.
I did my work today, but felt very unmotivated/doing it for nothing. I said "what's the point, Jared.. It's only money your parents may ask for if they need some. You make $250 maximum, that's chicken feed. >x ( You're going to be 24 in July.. you're with mommy and daddy, you have no car of your own, or place, or any girlfriend, or regular friend (in person)
I feel like a useless failure this evening. I almost started crying tears (they were forming in my eyes) when I was driving home this evening. thinking. "ohh, Jared, how many MORE years will you live with mom and dad.. how old will you be when you finally have enough money to support yourself.. how old. will you be... 26? 27? 28? 30? 33? O_O !!! O_O !!! O_O!!.. ohhgh.. when will you succeed? Are you a lost cause, Jared?" "what will you be in life?" ;(
This afternoon I was mad when there was a white Bentley 4-door car.. then later, a black 4-door Rolls-Royce Ghost pulled up. Just made me mad, more rich people while i'm 4 months away from turning 24, still with mom and dad, no friends, no girlfriend (hell, forget the girlfriend, I couldn't get one if I freakin' tried. Bad social skills, working for $250 maximum, at my job.. Plus my head was fried sweating hard in the HOT 86 degree/humid muggy air. I don't even know WHAT i'm working for. And I don't know WHEN or WHAT date or what year or how old i'll be when I go back to college to get the brains for a job that will pay me very well, and a job that i'll be able to understand and enjoy. "Boyy Jared, when you go back to college you'd better choose the field you want to go into verrry carefully, and DO NOT SCREW around in classes, and ask for HELP when you don't understand something, because if you goof off, screw up, or blow it, IT WILL COST YOU HARD in the long run! < x (
I'm so upset my mom's not selling anything! WORKING, TRYING to save money so I can get a nice car for myself, and a few other (smaller/minor) things, too, that I may want along the way.
All dad could say this evening about why i'm angry/grumping now..is because i've been drinking a big cup of soda I just got an hour ago.. and dad thinks the caffeine/sugar is making me mad/angry/grumbling."
There have been times when i've felt that I don't even deserve to be a GOF member anymore. I can't relate to hardly anything you guys say or talk about, and I feel that I haven't made any real contribution here or said anything positive here. Just sad, bummed out, angry/frustrated, negativity. : (
when it comes to talking about how life's going.
I HATE ALWAYS coming up short. This tight money week after week month after month REPETETIVE SCHEDULES.. NOTHING NEW! it drives me NUTS. No breaks, no special trips. Same.. same.. same.. until money levels get better and our house in Michigan sells and/or mom gets to SELLING at her real estate job, you don't get paid for going to your office. you ONLY get paid when you sell something.
I can't take it much more! I feel like i'm wasting time trying to work. they could give me as MANY hours as they wanted to (i'm actually limited, as a part-timer. no more than 40 hours maximum. I have 39 hours this week, but in my head, I ask "Jared, will all of that money make it through the two weeks without mom and dad asking for any of it.. or are either of them going to ask for anything and have you loan any of your pay for the week.. to them to "help out".
I don't like my "chicken feed" pay, at $8.25 an hour. Some of you think $250 a week (after all taxes) is good, but not so good to me. $250 per week is better than total unemployment though. I'm trying, week after week.. trying. HOPING SOMETHING WILL GO GOOD house-wise or real estate wise.. because if nothing good happens there.. then I'm not getting ANY of my money that my parents owe me.. returned back to me. Only hope for my money returned is mom to SELL houses OR OUR HOUSE finally freaking SELLS in Michigan (GOING into it's 4TH summer for sale) I know i've talked about the Michigan house like..a million times now, but that's what's keeping me from getting my loaned money returned to me, and i've been waiting since September..freaking.. 2007!! D 8<
I'M STUCK, guys! < 8 ( I am so frustrated, but I know there's nothing I can do or you can do. < 8( all you can do is wish me the best. I'M STUCK! x( and it sucks hard!
> 8 ( UGHH now I got my dad saying "quit doin stuff on the computer and get out here for dinner!" >8 ( darn it, DAD! I'M NOT doing weird stuff on the computer! > 8 (
I'm sorry, guys.
**Update**
Well it's 2 hours later, I know that you guys like having me here. I was able to come up with the longest flyer (if not one of THE longest) flyer fanfics here.
I don't want to write any more sad/things aren't working out threads. : ( It really sucks, and it makes me feel like i'm a bad person, when i'm really not. I'm glad some of you enjoy hearing from me when I visit here.
Pterano, bushwacked, Nick22, Vonboy, Struteggstealer, Ptyra:... I do think of you guys each day, even if it's for a brief moment.
I have Ptyra to thank for leading me to the GOF, and introducing me to it when I saw her on deviantart. If it weren't for Ptyra, I wouldn't have ever known that this site existed. I didn't know I was the only one who had social aspergers syndrome here either. Now I don't feel so "alone" on that.
I need to keep moving on. I just need to quit being hard and negative on myself each day.
It's only hurting me.
I need to think "You're not a bad guy, Jared. Don't be hard. Don't hate the heck out of yourself. Your life will get better. It's just an ugly/tough time right now, but things will improve. Cheer up. You'll get there."
Pterano, bushwacked, and struteggstealer, I will remember your quotes on page 1 the next time I have a frustrated fit about this.
all support is appreciated. I thank you very much for thinking about me.
