Jokes and Gags

[Vilstrup]

A man is walking out in the desert, when a ballon comes by with two passengers.

Passenger 1) Hey mate, where in the world are we?

man on the ground) Here!!

Passenger 1) ahh, he's a mahtimatician

Passenger 2) How do yer know that??

Passenger 1) well, his answer was a 100% correct, but totally useless

[Cancerian Tiger]

This one really happened to me about two months ago.

My vehicle would not start and someone I know had to help me jump it.  Anyhoo, when she arrived I asked her, "Can ya help me with these cumper jables?"

We laughed our a**** off at that one !

[Lillefot]

A monkey's emtering a bar.
He walks over to the counter, and smashes a 20 dollar on to it.
'ONE BIG CAN OF BEER'!
The bartender got shocked.
Never before had a talking monkey placed an order on his bar! But, okay. Anyone should get a beer if they order it.
So he takes the money and gives the monkey his beer. But he can't get this out of his head. People were starring! So he asks:'Hrm, not often we have monkeys here'... And the monkey answered: 'I can tell! When you take 20 dollars for a can of beer!!

[Lillefot]

What a Swed, speaking bad english would say if he/she was involved in a car accident in, let's say the states:

Police: "Well, well, can you explain to me how this happened?"
Swed: "Well officer, I don't really know, first came the fart, then came the smell!"
 
.......................
Fart = Speed, in swedish
Smell/sm‰ll = crash/bang in swedish

So now you can see why! It wouldn't suprise me if this have happened!  

/Lillefot

[Cancerian Tiger]

Hahahaha!

Here's one:  A sadist and a masochist lived in the same apartment complex on separate floors.  One evening, the masochist was in dire need of some serious torture.  He took the elevator up three floors to the sadist's apartment and pounded on the door.  The sadist answered the door to find the masochist on his knees.  "What can I do for ya, now?" grumbled the sadist.  "Please, pleaaase man!  Ya gotta help me!  Please kick my a** and kick it good!  Will ya help me?"  Given the nature of a true sadist, the sadist simply told him, "Nope."

Hint: Ya may need a dictionary to understand this one .

[Lillefot]

It seems like were in to jokes again!

The closet

A woman sits at home in her living room. She did some thinking, and realized she needed a new closet. So, she went to the nearest furniture store, and bougt one. When she got home, she put it together and leaned back, proad of her work.
Then, the tram passes by outside, and the closet falls together on the floor.
The woman is stunned, but thinks; Probably just a coincidence...
So she puts it back together again.
A couple of minutes later, the tram passes by again.
Same story, the closet falls to the floor.
The woman gets grumpy, and picks up her phone and makes a call to the store, asking them to send a specialist.
After a while the specialist, a man, arrives.
"So, what's the problem?" he asks.
"Every time the tram passes by outside, my closet here falls together!" the woman complains.
"Hmmm, you'll have to prove that, mam'." the man says.
So, they put the closet back together and waits.
Once again, the tram passes by and the closet falls into peices.
"Hmmm... well, it might be something inside the closet... lets put it back together again!" the man says. And so they do.
"Now, I'm going to sit inside the closet this time, and we'll see what happends!"
The man enters the closet and the woman sits down and waits.
As she waits, her husband gets home.
"Hi darling! Oh, that is a smashing closet you've bought!"
He walks over and opens the closet, and the man says:
"You won't belive me know... but I'm waiting for the tram!"

[Mumbling]

Lol xD    

[Lillefot]

"Have you ever met a woman, who's only touch makes you tremble...?"
the new, fallen in love youngster asks his friend.
"Oh yeah! My dentist!"

[Cancerian Tiger]

Okay, this one may come across as somewhat dirty but it's too funny to not post here .

A man had to get his teeth worked on, so he went to the doctor to be prescribed something to calm him down before going to the dentist.  The doctor said to the man, "I can give you a shot."  The man replied, "Oh, no no.  I don't like sharp objects."  The doctor said, "Okay, well, I can give you a pill."  The man replied, "Oh no no no.  I don't like to take pills."  The doctor sighed and said, "Okay, well, I can give you the gas."  The man replied, "Oh no no no.  I don't like things on my face."  The doctor said, "Well, there's not much else I can do for you except give you some Viagra."  The man looked at the doctor in a puzzled fashion and replied, "Why would you give me Viagra?" and the doctor replied, "Well, you're gonna need something to hold onto when you get your teeth worked on."  

This next one's NOT intended to be racially charged !

There was an Asian couple who had a Caucasian baby boy.  The wife said to her husband, "What should we name him?" and the husband replied, "Hmm...I think we should name him...Sum Ting Wong."

I'm censoring this one for the sake of any possible very young guests here.

Question: Whadaya call a potato that's been in a man's pants?

Answer: A D***-Tator!"

   

[F-14 Ace]

A little boy was riding his new bike down the street on Christmas morning when a cop on a horse suddenly stopped him.  
Cop: Did Santa Claus bring you that bike, little boy?

Boy: Yes he did.

Cop: Well next time, tell Santa to put a tail light on the bike.

He hands the boy a traffic ticket for not having a tail light.

Boy ( in a pissed off tone): Hey, did Santa Claus bring you that horse?

Cop (deciding to play along): Yes he did.  Why?

Boy: Next time, tell Santa to put the d*** under the horse, not on top of it!

[Cancerian Tiger]

:blink:        

Haha, that's pretty good F-14 Ace!

A late good friend of mine showed me this one:

A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in West Virginia recently with
two ice chests of fish.  He was leaving a cove well known for its
fishing.  The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no.  You must
understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya.  Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them
swim 'round for a while.  Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this
here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey!  Fish can't do that!" says the warden.  The
hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's
the truth Mr.Government man, I'll show you.  It really works."  "Okay,"
said the game warden.  "I've GOT to see this!"  The hillbilly poured the
fish into the lake and stood and waited.  After several minutes, the game
warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"  The hillbilly
said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.

Those in West Virginia may not be as smart as some city slickers, but
they aren't as dumb as most government employees..

[Littlefoot1616]

Cancerian Tiger, F-14 and Lillfot, those jokes were priceless!!!   Man, those gags had me in stitches!      

May as well get in on the act.

A guy walks into a bar and grabs a pint. He then sees and old friend he hadn't seen in a while sitting just next to him.
"Hey mate! Haven't seen you for ages!" he said.
"Hey buddy, long time no see!" his friend replies. The man then notices a small box next to his friend.
"What's in the box?" the man asks. his friend pushes the box in front of him, along the bar-top, opens it up and a little man jumps out with a piano and starts playing.
"Wow! He's great, where'd you get that little man from?" he asks as the tiny man wheels his piano back in the box and shuts the lid behind him.
"There's a place over the other side of town that grants wishes," the friend says.
"Wickid! I'm gonna head there tomorrow then!" the man says excitedly.
Then next day, the same man walks into the bar to meet his friend again but this time he's being followed by flamingo. The friend chokes on his beer as the man sits down and orders a drink.
"Mate! What the hell are you doing with a flamingo?!" the friend gawked.
"I went to that place that grants wishes today and saw the old man in there but he's almost deaf. He's really hard of hearing," the man said.
"What did you wish for?" the friend then asked.
"For a tall bird with long legs that like the colour pink," the man said disappointed. The man pats his friend on the shoulder in empathy,
"Don't worry man, he got mine wrong too."
"How'd you mean mate?" the man asks.
"Well, it's not like I went in there to ask for a 12-inch pianist!"

[Cancerian Tiger]

Hehe, here's another one:


The Drunk Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."  So, next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:


1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.


2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.


7.The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook.


8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*** out of him.


9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a**.


10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".


13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.


14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

Sent in by My Dad

[Lillefot]

Heard on the news:

"A 15 year old boy in Boston collapsed after sitting 24 hours infront of World of Warcraft.
The boy was sent to the hospital, in which he was healed!"


   

[Cancerian Tiger]

Law enforcement jokes!  Yay !

Traffic Stop

1st Officer: "Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?"
2nd Officer: "Who?"
1st Officer: "Janet Jackson!"
2nd Officer: "What she do, was she speeding?"
1st Officer: "Nah, she had one headlight out."


Sorry, I Can't do That!

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

Ten Things To Say When A Cop Pulls You Over

10. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
9. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
8. You must have been doing 125 to keep up with me.....good job.
7. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
5. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
1. I was just trying to keep up with traffic!


The Revised Miranda Rights Version 1

1. You have the right to remain motionless, or you may elect to run away from me.
2. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth.
3. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you.
4. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his persuit of you in full stride.
5. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk.
6. Good luck. On your mark, get set....GO!!!!!


The Revised Miranda Rights Version 2

1. You have the rights to an @$$-kicking.
2. You have the right to have a priest and/or an EMT present at the time of the @$$-kicking.
3. If you don't have a priest, one will be appointed free of charge, to read you your last prayer.

The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3

You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________

[Littlefoot1616]

Here's one I heard the other day:

I went to the city to see the London Marathon this year. Didn't participate but just watched at the sidelines ready to cheer the racers on. I got a good spot right by the starting line as the runners pulled up. As well as the serious runners, there are always wacky guys in odd costumes running the race just for fun. Then, suddenly, I was two guys join the starting line; one dressed as a chicken, and the other as an egg. I then thought "Ohh...this might be interesting..."

     

[F-14 Ace]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama bin Laden made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
“How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face and punching him in the stomach.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind.

“You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama in the face.

James Madison comes up next, and says “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He kicks Osama in the groin, knocks him to the ground, and stomps on his face.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe, and 65 other early Americans who have the same love for liberty and America.

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams “This is not what I was promised!”

The prophet Muhammad appears and replies “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you, idiot. What did you think I said?”

[Lillefot]

Something my mother got in her mail at work, which she shared with us around the dinner table last night.
--------------

The 6 year old and the 4 year old sits in their room, playing.
Suddenly, the 6 year old makes a proposal:

-Hey! I think you and I should start swearing!

The 4 year old agrees with commitment.

-Okay, so when we go down later to eat breakfast, I'll say something with f*ck in it, and you'll say something with damn in it?

-Yeah, let's do that! says the 4 year old.

Moments later, they're both called down to the kitchen, where their mother greets them.

-So, what'll you two have for breakfast today? she asks.

The 6 year old stands up and says:

-For f*ck sake mom! You know I always have oatmeal for breakfast!

The 6 year old is dragged down from his chair in seconds and gets a load lecture, the spankings and is sent to his room in tears.
Then the mother turns around to the 4 year old, hands to the sides and with strict expression.

-And what will YOU have!?

The 4 year old, terrified:

-I don't know mother! But you'll be damn sure it's not oatmeal!

--------------

Yeah, oatmeal is dangerous. :

[Cancerian Tiger]

Oh, I've got one!  This is what happens when you're looking up stuff about weight problems :

Signs You're Too Fat For Your Pants

*You've lost the feeling below your ankles.

*When you walk you have to waddle like a duck, so you fabricate a story about a knee-injury to dismiss curious onlookers.

*When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where your keys were in your pants pocket the night before.

*The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you lost a finger.

*Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle.

*People ask you questions like, "Are you a professional scuba diver, or do you just wear the gear?"

*The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker.

*It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small crane and a power winch.

*When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you your pants look great.

*Your name is Al Roker.