lbt meet me!part 1 a new face

guidolover · **on:** October 24, 2011, 09:14:54 AM

After many months of searching sophie(me) reached the great valley a place she was sure to find a dino like herself.She was a purple and pink microraptor, like guido,what she didnt know was that hed be there......

Sophie:″wow, its beatiful ....”
She climbed down the steep edge then suddenly jumped ,gliding softly to the ground .″What should I do first...oh SOPHIE STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF I should go introduce myself to the locals”

Petrie:″Guido,is that you? ” sophie:″urrm sorry no,Im new here,are you ok?......
Petrie was staring in a terrified way.
Cera:″petrie,whats wrong?huh,oh wow.littlefoot:″hey ,a glider!!!!! ”
Sophie just stared confused until spike ate the plant she was leaning on.Sophie:″Im sophie...” Cera looked at ducky and ducky looked back then they both said : ″theres somone you should meet!”
Sophie:um ok ...who?” :blink:

jansenov · **Reply #1 on:** October 24, 2011, 09:27:48 AM

Please use capital letters and put spaces after interpunction. That way your story will be more enjoyable to read.

guidolover · **Reply #2 on:** October 24, 2011, 09:48:41 AM

thanks for reading part 1 Ive edited the puncuation now, part 2 will come soon!

(were did you get that ducky avatar?)

jansenov · **Reply #3 on:** October 24, 2011, 10:38:11 AM

It still needs some work. I made the avatar myself. I was inspired by Alex's avatar, which also features an animation of Ducky.

guidolover · **Reply #4 on:** October 24, 2011, 04:00:32 PM

part 2

″Guido! ” they chorosed . sophie: ″whos that ? ”.littlefoot ″Petrie could you go find Guido and introduce them? ” ″ok”
spike : ″urrrrm hmmm mmm ”
ducky:″Im hungry ,too Spike let us eat first .my tummys making its hungry sound it is,it is”
so they set of to find food whilest Petrie searched the valley.
sophie : ″wow,these crawlers taste great! ” .Cera : ″ewwwww.... ”
after what seemed like ages Petrie returned he sqeaked ″me found Guido ,he busy right now but be here soon” a bored look spread amongst their faces.
After chattering with Ducky Sophie (thats me dont forget)glanced towards the sky.........there she saw the most hansome dino in her life!He was coming towards them ,too!
He was turqoise he was featherd he was Guido!

A suprised look fell to his face as he landed..roughly ,he let out a shrieke almost falling but Sophie caught him in her arms just in time!!!!…………… :!

:

jansenov · **Reply #5 on:** October 24, 2011, 04:09:12 PM

Sweet. I don't want to be a nitpicker, but you should really take more time editing your story. Write a chapter in Notepad or Wordpad, check for all mistakes, and when you're done just copy/paste in a post. It still looks rushed.

trulyfantasticme · **Reply #6 on:** October 24, 2011, 07:04:34 PM

Yeah. There is alot of work in this story to be done. First of all, seriously check your grammer. There are alot of grammer mistakes in there. (I used to have the same problem so don't worry.

) As Jansenov said, start using capital letters. And seperate the paragraphs. Don't just put it all into one big chunk. Especially the quotes. And also, try to put in more detail in there. No one can really get what you're saying in this story so please be specific. I've been a writer for five years and I know from my experience that stories won't be entertaining unless they have detail, good grammer, capital letters, and seperate paragraphs. If I'm missing something, I'm sure others can point it out to you.

Campion1 · **Reply #7 on:** October 24, 2011, 08:56:15 PM

Original:

Quote from: guidolover,Oct 24 2011 on 03:00 PM

″Guido! ” they chorosed . sophie: ″whos that ? ”.littlefoot ″Petrie could you go find Guido and introduce them? ” ″ok”

Revised:

"Guiiiiiidoooo!!" The gang chorused! Sophie seemed confused...

"Who's that...?" She asked, shyly. For some unexplainable reason, Littlefoot ignored her question and turned his attention to Petrie.

"Petrie, maybe you could find Guido and introduce him to our new visitor?"

The little flyer immediately straightened his posture and gave off a salute of some sort, in confident stride

"Don't you worry Littlefoot, me find him!"

____________________________________________________

Tips: Everything the previous posters stated. Things like proper grammar, spacing, explanation of who's speaking, narration etc. are what actually make the story readable. Once you get past all that, then there's the challenge of making the story interesting to read and writing it well enough for the reader to comprehend everything about the story and what's currently happening.

guidolover · **Reply #8 on:** October 25, 2011, 02:34:25 AM

Im thinking over your advice and yeah I think I could improve this,a lot .I should be more discriptive,but please,this is a work in progress so try not to complain Ill try again .bye bye

jansenov · **Reply #9 on:** October 25, 2011, 03:52:56 AM

^Just take your time. And I didn't want to hurt you. I just want to help. Besides, this site is for fun.

guidolover · **Reply #10 on:** October 25, 2011, 08:27:40 AM

awwww,its ok I know your just helping,well heres a REMAKE OF PART 2 enjoy!

″GUUUIIIIIIDDDDOOOOOO!!!!” they all chorosed, ″urrm,whos that ? ” she asked shyly.Littlefoot just grinned, ″Petrie could you find Guido and take him here,say its a suprise.” he wispered ,the little flyer flapped his leathery wings and took of straight away. ″Me be back soon Littlefoot!” Petrie cryed ,it became silent until Sophie got starteld when she heard....″hmmmmm,mmmm,hhhhmmrf ” Spike mumbled loudly! ″Yes spike, I am hungry to , yep yep yep,let us eat.My tummy is making its hungry sound , it is,it is!” cried Ducky, ″mine to” Cera groaned .

Littlefoot agread, then they wanderd to the nearest tree stars, soon Petrie joined them ,on his own. ″Guido busy,he come soon though” he sighed ,tucking into a tree-star . Some time passed and Ducky sat chattering about her swimming with Sophie.″Oh wow,you must be great at it! ”she cried then ate a crawler,″um I guess.......” Ducky was staring at what Sophie was eating in discust.

Sophie glanced at the sky happily but saw something,the most hansome dino that she'd ever seen!He was turqoise,he was featherd ,he was Guido!He clumsly started to land( with a suprised look on his face) his eyes grew wider, but as he landed he didnt pay attention to landing.Almost falling over he tripped ,therefor falling into Sophies arms ..........

what do you think?Part 3 next ,hope you enjoy it!(wish that happend to me in real life!Id love that! )

jansenov · **Reply #11 on:** November 05, 2011, 11:45:33 AM

Will you continue?

guidolover · **Reply #12 on:** November 05, 2011, 03:17:51 PM

oh yes but I was waiting to see what people thought of it, do you like it? Ill add part 3 tomorrow

hope you enjoy it!