The Gang of Five
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The Adventures of Littlefoot and Ali

karkovice

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Well, I've just read through all of your chapters.

So far, I find your story's very well constructed.

I have an idea for a love story fanfic myself. Only this one is an inter-species relationship. But unlike the "forbidden" one I did (I can't remember if you read it or not) I'll keep it clean. I promise.  :angel

Don't know when it'll be completed, though. I have to take the time to write it.


pokeplayer984

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Okay, I felt like giving an update on my progress thus far.  I don't know why, but for some reason, I've been lazy on this.  I obviously have a lot of time to work on it, but I spend it doing other things.  I don't know why I've been doing that, but I am sorry.

However, I will say that I am at a part that has changed the possible future of this fanfic completely.  You see, there is a scene in it that has made it possible for a follow-up to happen.  Now, you can't call it a sequel mainly because of how I plan to set up the ending, which still has yet to change, despite everything.  I guess you could call it a missing chapter.

So, why is this "missing chapter" not going to be in this one?  Mainly because it doesn't center around Littlefoot and Ali and Ret, which is what this one is about.  The next story in this tale is of a completely different couple and deserves it's own story.  You'll be surprised what I come up with for this one.

Also, despite looking at the whole thing and figuring out the plot for EVERY chapter now, I have found that I won't be able to keep the promise of putting in EVERY character that I wanted to.  However, I will try to put in as many as I can.

So, that's where I am now.  I've got the whole plot figured out and maybe I'll get the newest chapter done this week if I feel enough motivation to work on it.

Also, to any mods that read this, please change the title because I have come up with a new name for it.  It is now called...

"Love Knows no Bounds: The Three-way Relationship"

I don't care what you guys think about it.  I personally like it more. :)

Well, that's my announcement and I'll see ya later! :^.^:


ScratteLover2

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When is your next chapter coming out? That last chapter has left me wondering ever since you posted it.


pokeplayer984

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Here's the newest chapter and the length is certainly NOT worth the wait. -_-

Chapter 12

The Decision


The girls continued to enjoy the oasis they were privately staying at.  Cera had found another of the giant palm leaves and had it covering her face while she was submerged up to her chest in the hot water.  Ducky had secluded herself to the shade of a tree while sipping through a hollow weed to get to the juices within the treesweet she had jammed it into.  Ruby had rejoined Cera in the hot spring, submerged up to her shoulders.  She had sat on one of the vents where the hot water mainly came from.  It felt so wonderful upon her rump.

However, Ali was not enjoying the hotspring.  She had gone to a random spot where she could be supposedly alone and think.  She had taken Cera’s words to heart.  Deep down, she knew it wasn’t right to keep her secret from Littlefoot.  Still, how could she tell him that she might not ever return?  She was in love with Littlefoot.  Telling him this would be like telling him that they could never be together no matter how much they wanted to be.

Also, telling him this sort of thing would be like saying she was choosing Ret over him.  Then again, she loved Ret as well.  He helped her during the time she missed her friends.  There was no doubt that he showed that he cared about her.  Especially as of late with how he helped her when she was unable to use her legs.  He even gave up his old ways of lying and wrongful doings just so he could be, not only a better friend, but a better individual, and it was all for her.

It was indeed sweet, but what more was there out of him?  After all, he did leave her to defend for herself when Chomper pretend-attacked her.  Under normal circumstances, she would be dead long before he arrived with help.  Then again, he had changed since then.  He wasn't the same longneck he once was.  Maybe he would make a different choice then the one that he did.

Without any kind of confirmation, it was difficult for her to make any kind of choice at all.  Even the one where she could wait to make the choice decision.  If anything, it would take something major that fate itself would decide.

Back with the boys, they were still busy tracking them.  The trail of Cera led them all over the valley.  They started at Ducky's nest, then went to the cave where Ruby and Chomper were sleeping, and then across a stream, where they suddenly lost the trail, but soon picked it up again.  Finally, they ended up back at Littlefoot's nest.  However, they found the scent of all the girls right there, confirming that they were at least together.

At this point, they had followed the trail to the edge of The Great Valley.  Right now, Littlefoot had grown worried, thinking the girls had adventured into The Mysterious Beyond.  He just hoped he was wrong.  Otherwise, there was no telling what danger they could be in.

Spike had grown increasingly worried for his Big Sister.  There was hardly a time when the two weren't together.  Even if there were times she wasn't on his back, she was always close by.  Even with his friends around him, not having her felt almost lonely.  He had to find her because he felt nothing without her.

Chomper was the one leading them.  After all, he was the only one who could track the girls.  His nose was rather powerful at finding the scent he was searching for.  If he wasn't such a good friend with leafeaters, he would make a very powerful predator even at this point in his life.

Petrie was up in the air, scouting ahead.  His job at this point was to ensure there was no danger up ahead.  He too was worried about the girls, especially one girl in particular.  They were friends for so long that it was natural for him to be worried about her, but why would he care so much for one more than all of his other friends?  It didn't matter to him at this point, he just knew that they had to find the girls.

Ret was the one in the back of the group instead of the usual one being that of Spike.  It seemed natural to Ret though.  He wanted to be isolated a bit so he could be alone with his thoughts.  He was indeed worried for Ali.  Why wouldn't he be?  She was his friend after all, but the recent events had plagued his mind.  How could they not?  The fact that Ali was in love with both him and Littlefoot terrified the longneck.  It meant that she might choose Littlefoot after everything was said and done.  It was the greatest possibility after all.

If one looked at everything and based what fate would bestow upon the amount of love and friendship others had, then it was likely that Littlefoot and Ali would be together in the end, and that he would be alone.  Ret didn't like the idea of being alone after all he had done to get Ali to admire him.  He only lied in the first place because he had fallen under her spell.

How could no longneck fall for one as beautiful to him as Ali?  Her slender neck, her silky legs, her stunning lips, her perfect nose... However, it was those eyes of hers that lured him in.  They seemed to have a hypnotic effect upon him.  He'd melt into putty upon her command if she wanted him to.  She was perfection to him.

Yet, he wondered how she could be so forgiving, especially with the incident of the last time they were in The Great Valley.  After all, he did leave her to defend for herself when Chomper pretend-attacked her.  He hardly thought about his decision to just run off like that.  However, as he looked at it all now, he knew he was stupid to do what he did.  He wasn't brave to take on sharpteeth, like he said he was with his stories, but he didn't even consider the safety of his friend.  He just left her to be sharptooth food.  It broke his heart in a way that it would never mend.  The fact that, under real circumstances, his actions would've killed her.  It killed him knowing that he would've killed her in the end.

The males, including Petrie who had landed on Spike, soon found a cave and Chomper soon found something. “They went into this cave.” He said, catching the scent of the girls from within the cave.

Hearing this, Littlefoot got suspicious. “Okay!  Let's go!” He commanded and took over the lead as the rest followed behind him.

Back with the girls, Ruby had decided to get out of the hot spring as it was definitely getting too hot in there and had joined Ducky, who was still within the shade under the same palm tree she had been relaxing at.  Ducky had just finished off the latest tree sweet and was now sleeping off her tasty meal.

Ducky was having a strange dream at this moment right now.  In her dream, she wasn't a swimmer, but a flyer.  In fact, she was the same flyer-species as her friend Petrie was.  She had the same beak, but it had a yellowish-green hue to it.  She also retained the same green colored skin she has always had.  She could feel her wings catching the draft and making her soar through the sky.  It was an amazing feeling to fly through the air like this.  A part of her wondered if this was what it felt like every time Petrie flew the sky.

She looked to her side with her blue eyes and saw her friend, Petrie flying next to her.  Both of them being up in the air like this seemed to make her happy.  It also seemed to make her heart swell with this wonderful feeling that she couldn't think of a happier moment in her life.

Her eyes then shifted downward and what she saw shocked her.  Everyone in the valley was glaring up at them angrily.  From her friends to ones she had never met.  From old acquaintances to newcomers.  From complete strangers to her well known family.  Every last one of them were mad at them for a reason she could not understand.

Her eyes then fell upon her mother.  The adult swimmer was casually tossing a small stone up and down in her hand while looking up angrily at them.  Suddenly, she threw the rock towards them.  The pebble started to get bigger and bigger as it came towards them.  It was soon the size of a boulder as it came upon them.  It was big enough to shatter all of their bones.

As the boulder came crashing upon the duo, Ducky awoke from her dream.  She breathed heavily, wondering exactly what her strange and unusual dream meant.

Ali though was still in deep thought.  She had concluded to herself that telling Littlefoot about her departure was the right thing to do.  Yet, she couldn't figure out how to tell him.  If she told him about it all the wrong way, he would probably believe that she was choosing Ret over him and that was the last thing she wanted him to believe at this point.  It was the one thing she could not contemplate.

At this point, Cera walked up to her. “So,” she began, getting Ali's attention, “have you decided yet?”

Ali nodded to her. “Yes.  I will tell him the truth.”

“Well, that's probably the best decision you've ever made today.”

“But... I don't know how.”

Cera gave her a confused look. “Huh?  What do you mean?”

“It's not that simple, Cera.  I have yet to choose between them.  I don't want to make it sound like I'm choosing one over the other, because I'm not.  Not yet at least.”

Cera rolled her eyes. “Ugh!  You're only making it more complicated than it needs to be.  Look, just tell Littlefoot the truth and he'll understand, I promise!”

“Tell me what?” A voice said.

The two of them were shocked by the voice and turned towards the source to find all 5 of the boys looking at them.  The other two girls looked upon the guys as well and they all knew...

They were in trouble.

---End Chapter 12---

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Ooh!  I'm SO evil with giving you suspense! :nyah

At least this will make it easier from here on out.  I've been thinking a lot about the future chapters through the delay.  I actually have all the details worked out.  So, hopefully from here, it'll all fly by.

Oh, and you can't blame me for putting in the little thing I did, now can ya? ;)

Please Review.

See ya later!


Cancerian Tiger

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*SIGH*

Leave it up to the boys to ruin a girls day out :rolleyes:.  I'd be irritated at 'em :p.  Hey, maybe that could be Cera's reaction to their party-crashing moment.  I could imagine her chewing their tails out for not respecting their girls day out :lol  :angel.


ScratteLover2

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Quote from: pokeplayer984,Jul 8 2007 on  08:28 AM
I do plan on exploring the love triangle that debuted in the TV Series.  It is the first LBT love triangle I actually have a fondness for within the franchise.  Littlefoot and Ret competing for Ali's heart.  What's a girl to do when she loves them both?
Acutally, wouldn't it be a love square?

Here'e the four different combinations of them.

  • Ali likes Littlefoot
  • Ali likes Rhett
  • Littlefoot likes Ali
  • Littlefoot likes Cera

See what I mean? It kind of involves Cera too, I presume that in the movies she actually dose like Littlefoot, the main and supporting character always show hints of their love or always fall in love at the end, Littlefoot and Cera have shown hints of their love throughout the series.


Caustizer

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Good work delving into the feelings of Ali and explaining the turmoil she is in.  I thought it was nice that all the girls got to do something on their own, which is a rare thing in LBT movies and shows where there is almost no mention of gender bias or preferences.

It's also nice to see that Rhett has changed from the ass that he was in the tv series, though i find it hard to believe that he could change so easily.  One thing about headstrong and arrogant characters is that they don't just change on a dime and I was hoping to see a bit more evidence of a change as opposed to *poof* Rhett's nice now.

A good read.  Please continue to write and add to your stories.

Caustizer.


pokeplayer984

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Quote from: ScratteLover2,Jun 13 2010 on  11:39 AM
Quote from: pokeplayer984,Jul 8 2007 on  08:28 AM
I do plan on exploring the love triangle that debuted in the TV Series.  It is the first LBT love triangle I actually have a fondness for within the franchise.  Littlefoot and Ret competing for Ali's heart.  What's a girl to do when she loves them both?
Acutally, wouldn't it be a love square?

Here'e the four different combinations of them.
  • Ali likes Littlefoot
  • Ali likes Rhett
  • Littlefoot likes Ali
  • Littlefoot likes Cera
See what I mean? It kind of involves Cera too, I presume that in the movies she actually dose like Littlefoot, the main and supporting character always show hints of their love or always fall in love at the end, Littlefoot and Cera have shown hints of their love throughout the series.
In my story, Littlefoot and Cera like each other on a friendship level.  Not on a love level.  Sorry!

I took a little break to work on my e3 coverage with Nintendo.  Now with that being over, it's time to get back to this.

If things go well, sometime next month is when the new chapter should be out.

Well, see ya later! :)


Adder

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Just wondering, are you going to update soon? Not being pushy or anything, I just want to see what happens between the girls fun day, and the others who might ruin it (Chomper...)


pokeplayer984

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During my vacation, I've been able to work on the next chapter and complete it.  However, I'm going away from the gang to update on a little something.

Enjoy!

WARNING: Contains some bloody violence.  Reader Digression is advised.

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Chapter 13

The End of the Search


While this was all happening, the herd that was assembled by The Counselors of the Great Valley had now arrived deep within Sharptooth Territory.  So far, the vast number of dinosaurs, that being of forty or so, had made the sharpteeth cautious.  Some, however, were quite skilled and knew of a trick or two to getting at least one of the herd.  Killing them without notice until it was too late.  Just one of the members of the herd was big enough to feed a small Sharptooth Family.

Despite the fact that it seemed safe at this point, the herd was on high alert.  Some were elderly and not in the best of shape to put up a good fight.  They may be among the first that a sharptooth would go after.  On top of this, Ali did warn them that some of the sharpteeth were quite skilled, having been known to take out ones that were both healthy and strong thanks to clever hunting tactics.  With such deadly foes, the herd had to be on their guard.

Pat was the one chosen to lead the herd.  He didn't think of himself much as a leader, but he gladly took the position.  He had smartly sent a number of flyers to scout ahead, not just to find the herd they were searching for, but also to look for incoming danger.  He also had the flyers search in rotation as to not get too tired and be ready to attack if sharpteeth came after them.

Unknown to the herd, a sharptooth herd of nearly fifty fastbiters were watching them.  They had been watching the herd that had entered their territory for a few days now.  They were waiting for the perfect moment.  They knew that if they attacked at just the right moment and used the correct tactic, they could take out every single one of the herd and enjoy a nice feast.

It may’ve been seen as a deadly move, but the fastbiters were known among sharpteeth to be the most daring, possibly suicidal and most successful of all fastbiter herds.  None knew how they were so good at hunting for such a large family, and yet, they rarely ever starved.  Once a leafeater was caught in their trap, not even a miracle would save them.  At least, that is what was believed.

Truthfully, there was one herd that had been known to escape and defeat them constantly for one reason or another.  They guessed that the herd at hand was well-trained.  Still, that would not account for the fact that they could not get near any of the children with that migrating herd that came along every so often.  Still, they knew that the leader of that herd was coming to their end.  To at least get that one would be a triumph to them.

The leader of the fastbiter herd looked on.  He may’ve lost his one good eye in a fight for the right of his position, and as a result had a scar there, but he was quite the formidable hunter.  He alone formed all of the carefully planned hunting tactics.  Hardly any failed.  His herd was strong and he knew that today the herd would feast upon those roaming through their area.

He had carefully studied the herd and noted just how cautious they were.  He knew of the number of flyers scouting ahead.  He knew of the strength that the mixed herd of dinosaurs would present and how much of a challenge it would be.  However, he noted one key thing about the leader of the mix herd.

He saw that the longneck was smart and well skilled, despite his age.  However, he noticed that one of the back feet had been badly burned quite some time ago.  Indeed, it looked like it fully healed, but even he knew that an injury such as that can have permanent side effects.  He could tell that, even after all that time, the old longneck was still limping.  It was the perfect area to hit that one first.

He had studied the members of the herd and knew all their weaknesses.  How they all moved.  He wasn’t fully sure how the herd would react and whom would be protected by another, but he figured a good number would be protected by the leader.  That is how most large herds fought, and even those mighty tactics failed before this mighty fastbiter herd.

There was only one key component that could possibly make them lose.  However, it was the most vital for them as well.  That was timing.  The herd could plan their movements to the smallest part of a second.  These key plans are what made them so formidable.  They had it all down to an exact science.  It was nearly impossible for them to fail with this herd.

He then noticed that the key point to attack was nearly at hand.  It was only a small window of opportunity, but it was all they needed.

The flyers came down and got ready to report that there was nothing, but before they could send out the next batch, which was currently getting ready to take off to let the others rest, the fastbiter herd made their move.  They came straight towards Pat.  The old longneck saw them and was ready to strike back.

He swung his tail at what he believed to be the right moment, but the fastbiters stopped short.  They only felt the wind of the strong attack.  They knew he was powerful from the attack, but with their plan, it hardly mattered.  The fastbiters moved right after the tail missed and went for the legs, striking him deeply with their claws, the deepest of all being at Pat’s back bad leg.

Pat wailed in great pain as he felt the claws dig into his legs, making his large weight topple over.  Pat turned towards the fastbiters and noted how one of them had blood dripping off its claw, which said fastbiter tauntingly licked up, savoring the flavor.

Pat gritted his teeth, figuring the fastbiters got lucky.  It was sad he didn’t know the truth.  He’d be lucky to notice before his own doom.

While this was happening, a number of fastbiters went for a threehorn within the group.  He tried ramming them, but the fastbiters were quick and dodged the on-coming attack.  They then made an impossibly fast move and slashed at him at the side of the midsection.  The threehorn gritted his teeth and inhaled sharply.  He turned towards the area where the injury was and noted that it was barely bleeding and would heal in time, but it would leave quite the mark for a few days.

The flyers swooped down to try and back up the predators into other healthy attackers.  However, the fastbiters were able to pinpoint the exact moment and struck the wings.  They quickly ended up injured enough that they would be lucky to fly away before the fastbiters made the finishing blow.

The fastbiter leader had yet to involve himself in the fight.  They were only injuring each member of the herd enough so they wouldn’t escape.  After they were all down, only then would he step-in to deliver the final blow to every member of the herd, and then they would have a nice feast that would last them for days.

The leader quickly noted a few spiketails falling.  Those were hardly a match for them.  Every spiketail they met ended as their meal.  They never failed against those.

The threehorn from earlier didn’t last much longer and soon fell.  They were usually more formidable, but they too didn’t last that long.  It seemed they would soon add yet another threehorn skull to their collection.

Swimmers didn’t fare much better.  At best, they were able to deliver a few punches, but the fastbiter leader knew those were only decoys and grinned when he saw the real ones strike quickly and take them down in only a few slashes to the body.  Ducky’s father, who had joined the herd to help find the longneck herd, collapsed soon and closed his eyes, fearing to never see his children or his mate ever again.

The clubtails didn’t last much longer than the spiketails.  The boppers on their tails, which they were so proud of, weren’t of much help.  These weren’t just defeated, but greatly humiliated.

Soon, all of the members of the leafeater herd were down.  A number of the fastbiters let out a roar, signaling the time for the final blow.  The leader of the herd came forward and approached the old longneck.

Pat looked upon the fastbiter that was approaching and noted the battle scars upon him.  He even noticed the missing eye, probably figuring that this one was the leader of the herd.  He couldn’t figure out how they pulled it off.  Their herd should’ve been good enough to hold off a group of this size.  A part of him wondered if they were one of herds they were warned about.

The fastbiter leader came up to the slender neck and drew his claw back, ready to stab it deep in there and rupture the windpipe within.  Suddenly, a large tail struck the leader, knocking him away.  The fastbiters looked on as they saw the longneck that had come to the rescue.

Pat looked up and noted the adult longneck that had saved his life.  It wasn’t long before nearly one hundred other adult longnecks joined her. The all stood at the ready, prepared to take on the formidable predators that were in front of them.

The leader that was struck got up and noted the new herd that had appeared.  He then saw one longneck he knew all too well.  It was the leader of the herd that had always eluded them.  He was determined that they would not escape him this time.  He got up and let out a roar, which ordered the others to attack the new herd, which they obeyed.

The fastbiters made the first move, aiming for the legs of the leader like before.  The leader of the longneck herd, Old One, ran towards them.  This seemed like the most desperate move, but desperate times called for desperate measures.  At the last second, she slid across the ground and twisted her body in a 360, thus extending her tail and striking the pursuing predators halfway through the spin.  Upon completion, she was facing the rest of the predators and snarling threateningly at them.

Not being the least bit intimidated, the fastbiter leader let out a hiss, which was the order to continue the attack.  Listening, the predators continued their attack and immediately ran past the leader, deciding to attack the rest of the herd.

Having learned the advanced survival tactics from Old One, the new herd was more than a match for the sharpteeth.  The new herd easily brought back the fastbiters.  Despite being outnumbered and outmatched, the fastbiters continued.

Suddenly, without warning a screech was heard.  Turning towards it, the fastbiters noticed that Old One had the tail of the fastbiter leader with one of her large front feet and was threatening to crush him with the other.  She then turned towards the rest of the fastbiters.

“Leave us, and that herd alone,” She began, gesturing towards the mix herd the predators attacked earlier, “and we will spare your leader.”

The rest of the herd stopped, not wanting to risk the life of their leader.  The leader let out a bunch of caws, telling them to not surrender and that the old longneck was bluffing, which was true, but the predators really didn’t know that.  Not wanting to risk it, the group retreated, leaving their leader behind.

Seeing this, Old One smiled and let go of the fastbiter. “You are free to go.” She said, sternly.

With that, the fastbiter took off, planning to give his herd a good beating tonight.  Not long after that, and seeing the fastbiter leader disappear in the distance, Old One let out a sigh of relief.  In truth, she could never bring herself to purposely murder another creature.  She rarely actually killed another, and those times she did were only accidental.  She felt that life was precious and thus could never kill another.  At most, she only drove away a predator and had them live so they could hunt someone else another day.

She then turned towards the old male longneck. “Is everyone alright?” She asked.

Turning, Pat looked at everyone.  They were all injured in one way or another, but otherwise fine. “Looks like everyone will survive, Miss.” He said. He then let out a smile. “You arrived just in time.”

She smiled back. “We were glad to be of assistance,” her smile then disappeared. “But we must be on our way.  We are looking for members of our herd that were separated from us.” She said.  She then decided it was best to ask the mix herd. “Have any of you seen any longneck children in your travels?” She questioned.

Peaked with interest, Pat struggled to get up, succeeding in doing so. “Yes, we did.  Do the two children of such happen to be named ëAli’ and ëRet’?” He asked.

At this point, a younger adult female approached him. “Ali?  You found Ali?  Where is she?” She asked in great worry.

Pat smiled. “Don’t worry, young miss.  Your daughter is safe in The Great Valley.”

Ali’s Mother let out a sigh of relief.  She knew her daughter would be safe there and had friends who would take care of her while she waited. “Thank goodness!” She said. “But how did you know she was my daughter?”

Pat’s smile only widened. “Only a mother would worry as much as you did about their child.”

Ali’s mother only smiled back.  She did care about her daughter.  There’d be no other explanation for her reaction.

Old One turned to her herd. “Everyone, we are going to The Great Valley.” She then turned towards the mixed herd. “And we are going to help them get there.” She concluded.

It took some work, but they soon were able to help them up and assist them back on the long journey home.  Soon, they would retrieve their lost ones.

---End Chapter 13---

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Sorry for the long wait.  Hope you enjoyed it! :)

See ya later! :^.^:


pokeplayer984

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I don't want to beg, but could you guys PLEASE give me a review on my latest chapter?  Please?

I would really like to know where I stand with this sharptooth battle.

Just please review it.

See ya later!


Adder

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I'm not a pro reviewer of stories, but this chapter was really good and so were all the others. Keep up the good work!


Campion1

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Hello pokeplayer. I'm going to "review" the first part of your story, which was posted in 2007. I basically quote the story paragraph by paragraph, or hand select things to talk about. I enjoy writing long winded things of this nature for other people, so I hope I don't offend you. I don't normally focus on things like grammar, (only if it's get in the way, because hey, I'm no major in language myself) but on the story telling itself, and how you try to tell it. I will start from beginning to the end of the part. I wouldn't normally write for something this old because you have probably developed, but I enjoy having the choice anyway. All of this will be written "on the fly" but i still take critiques seriously. The only thing I doubt is not being able to write a paragrph for every single thing.  :p

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Love Knows no Bounds: The Three-way Relationship

Prologue
I like this, but what exactly is it for? The story is called "The adventures of Littlefoot and Ali" so it couldn't be the title. From what I read there is no "three way relationship" in this part. In fact, the name doesn't even imply that another person is involved. Is it just a subtitle?
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The desert wind blew sand around the traveling migrating herd of nearly a hundred longnecks total.
This is a good start. You give the location (keyword "Desert"), the characters, their goal and beginning struggle. Personally I would have stated that the sand was blowing into the herd instead of around them. Also, a hundred longnecks? I guess this is just being me, but that is a BIG herd. I only remember there being about 30 or so in that group in LBT4. Oh well.
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The leader of the herd, who was very old with age, braved through the sandstorm as she guided the herd to the next destination.
Cool, but what's their "next destination"? I would expect that you would have given a description of this next, but you don't. This kind of makes the struggle meaningless for the reader, because we don't know what's so great for them to risk themselves for.
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Within the herd of longnecks, one of the young ones was walking right behind her mother to keep as much sand as possible out of her eyes.
This HAS to be Ali. On that note, I like that you don't directly give off what the character's names are until they use them.
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She grunted against the wind and spat out in disgust at any sand that got in her mouth.
A good thing for her to do is to keep it shut. This begs the question if she's dehydrated. On a writing side, I would have removed the word "Any" from this sentence.
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She really didn’t like the idea of traveling through a sandstorm. It was nothing new to her, but the storm was getting rather relentless.
The fact that the storm "wasn't new" to her indicates that she has been through some before. So, if that's true, how could this storm be any different?  She's not in as much danger as her mother, who is shielding her from the sand.
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It was near a point where it would be foolish to continue, and the young female seemed to sense this somehow.
How would she know? Again, she is not getting hit directly by the sand. She must be reading physical cues from her mother.
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“Mother, could you tell the Old One to stop? I think the ësand wind’ is getting too rough!” She yelled in a pleading tone.

“I’ll try, Ali!” Her mother promised to her.
In this brutal of a sandstorm, where the sand is hectically slamming against everyone involved and probably very noisy, how could verbal communication be possible? Opening your mouth makes it vulnerable for sand to enter. You continue this, so I'll ignore it.
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The adult female walked as fast as she could to catch up with the leader. It didn’t take her long to reach the Old One.
I don't think they would be able to see very well in this storm either. But she did to find the leader. When you have conflict that is obviously effecting the main characters, it's best to pay attention to it.
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“Old One!” She yelled, getting the leader’s attention. “Little Ali thinks the wind is getting too rough to continue! Perhaps we should stop!” She suggested.
Is Ali the only one out of the hundred longnecks that think so?
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The leader known to the herd as Old One started to consider her thought. She wanted her herd to make it to the next destination quickly, for they were within the area where getting attacked by sharpteeth was highly possible. Even though the sandstorm was good cover for them, it indeed seemed foolish to continue.
All of this goes back to their motivation in mind. Here, we have a character who's actions could literally get all of the character's killed, conflicted over the method of  simply getting to point A to point B. It makes me question if the storm started while they were traveling or not, or if it had been that way whenever they began or continued their treck. I think you get my idea.
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She nodded at the suggestion. “Listen up, everyone! We’re going to stop until the storm settles! Rest until then!” She commanded.
How could they rest through this? It's a massive sandstorm.
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The rest of the herd gave a silent sigh of relief and settled down to rest.

“Thank you, Old One!” Ali’s mother sighed, feeling grateful.
No comment.
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“We can’t risk losing the children. They’re the future of this herd.” She said as she went away to rest herself.
That was a bit over dramatic to say. Maybe she could have said something like "Let's focus on keeping the children safe, everyone." I don't know. Also, the way this sentence is, it reads like she's saying  this and going away from the group. Sounds like she's depressed or something.
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Ali sighed in grateful relief. While within dangerous areas, the herd would circle around the children when they rested. This was mainly for the purpose of being protected from predators.
The number of longnecks are far too great to huddle around a few children. I don't like it.
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However, it also provided protection from wind and heat.
Wind sure, but heat? Wouldn't staying close to each other keep them warm? Again, the number of longnecks in this bugs me.
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Ali looked around at the other longneck children within the protective circle. Some were younger than she was and some were older, but all were strong enough to keep up with the herd.
I was going to comment about children being no where near as strong as adults, but I guess that's so in the lbt world. Not sure. Also, no comments are given on the other children.
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“Hey, Ali!” A young male voice called to her.

Ali looked in the direction of the voice and smiled when she saw her friend. “Hi, Ret!” She greeted back. “I’m glad we got to rest. I really hated getting all that sand in my mouth. Ugh!” She complained in disgust.
Why is she speaking about all of this in past tense? Oh well. Also, Ret!

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The leaf green-eyed male laughed at the turquoise-green eyed female. “Yeah, so did I!”
This would work if you described the color of their bodies. I wouldn't laugh about the comment either... But hey, they're children. Also, past tense.
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They were about to continue in their conversation when they suddenly started to feel the ground rumble beneath them. The shaking within the earth and the fear in the two longnecks started to intensify. The ground started to shake beneath them.

The entire herd was stunned by fear as the earth shook vigorously beneath them.
You basically said the same thing three (four?) times. At the rate you described the earthquake, it would have moved like a kid shaking around a coffee table with stuff on it. Here's how I would have worded it:

"Before they could continue, the earth beneath the group began to crumple and shake, to their surprise"

Something like that. Crude example.
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Cracks started to appear on the ground, ripping it apart with unknown strength. The cracks came towards the herd of longnecks.
That's good. Could have told where the cracks were to begin with though.
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“Everyone, run!” Old One commanded.
Run where!? The whole place shaking, it would be very hard to move so fast
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The order knocked the herd back to their senses and they started to run, kicking up sand in their wake. Ali and Ret were in the path of the dust and it got into their eyes and mouth, causing them to cough while rubbing their eyes. Being temporarily blind, the two longnecks could not see the crack that was headed towards them.

“Ali, Ret, run!” Ali’s mother called out.

However, it was too late. The ground split beneath the two. Ali’s mother could only watch helplessly as her only daughter fell into the depths of the earth.
I would have thought that her primary instinct would be to stick with her child, but I don't know. Who's to blame here?

Oh well, good cliffhanger. This was just a set up for the story, and I guess I would say it was "good." I already read something starting like this 3 times before however so I wasn't too thrilled with it. That's just me.

If you want me to continue reviewing, just ask. Hope you liked it.


pokeplayer984

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^^Wow!  Quite a bit of creative criticism you gave there.  Let's see if I can cover it all with a just a few things I have to point out.

I seem to have quite a few habits in writing that I need to work on.  To be honest, I like to write past tense more than present tense.  So, expect that quite a bit at places where it probably doesn't belong.

Also, I do have a tendency to repeat myself without realizing it.  I'm trying my best to work on this.

Finally, there's my own way of writing style that I tend to have.  To me, a writer should have their own style and not try to write the same way as someone else.  As long as it's got good spelling and grammar, and the reader can at least understand what is going on, I feel the writer has accomplished their goal.

Also, please continue reading.  I'd like to know what you think of the other chapters.


Campion1

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Alright, I'll take all of that into consideration, and good for you about thinking to keep unique! That's what matters most in expression

I will continue the reading and reviewing, I just don't want to, you know, take over the entire topic doing it. Could you give me the link for the FF pages these are on? (if they are?) if they can't fit on ff, I'll stick with here, if it's ok with you. or maybe I'll pm them, idk. I like reading what i write. How many chapters does this have?

edit: or maybe I'll post them in your question thread



pokeplayer984

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Quote from: Campion1,Feb 16 2011 on  12:30 PM
I will continue the reading and reviewing, I just don't want to, you know, take over the entire topic doing it. Could you give me the link for the FF pages these are on? (if they are?) if they can't fit on ff, I'll stick with here, if it's ok with you. or maybe I'll pm them, idk. I like reading what i write. How many chapters does this have?
Thank you for reminding me that I need to update on FF.net.  It keeps slipping my mind.

Understand that it is not updated completely, but I'll try to have that done as soon as possible.  Still, here's the link.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3696462/12/The...tlefoot_and_Ali

Oh, and it has a total of 13 chapters so far. :)

See ya later!


Campion1

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Nick22

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Nice work so far poke!
Winner of these:


Runner up for these:




pokeplayer984

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Update for eveyone!

Okay, I am sad to say that the story needs to be put on hiatus for the time being.  The reason why is that I have been struggling with how to approach the next chapter.  The problem is that I'm trying to put Red Claw into the story and make him an effective villain, which isn't an easy task, considering everything.

As such, I have a small case of writer's block, and I'm not sure when I'll get past it.  Once I do though, I will inform you guys.

So, until then, this story is on hiatus.

Sorry guys! :(

(Note: If anyone wants to know where the story is going to go, please send a PM.  Understand though, you will be spoiled.)