This is a thread for posting witty quotes, funny stories, and transcripts of amusing conversations from real life. These include wisecracks, taunts, and unintentionally hilarious things that you have said or heard someone else say, funny stories and experiences you have had, and humorous exchanges between two or more people that you have overheard or been involved in. Subjects of stories and speakers of quotes can be you, family members, friends, acquaintances, or complete strangers; as long as it’s something you’ve said, heard, witnessed, or experienced in the real world (and not routines or staged performances as in a play or a comedian’s stand-up act), and isn’t too rude, dirty, or otherwise inappropriate (see the
GOF censorship rules), it’s acceptable.
This thread is not to be confused with the “Funniest Quotes You've Heard
Funniest Quotes You've Heard” thread in the Silver Screen section, as all quotes and stories in this thread must be from real life, not from movies or television. It is also distinct from the “
Make your own quotes” thread, because quotes here must specifically be humorous. And that said, the stories and quotes shared here should not be jokes, per se; those should be posted in
this thread.
To start off, and to provide examples of the kind of material that should go in this thread, I am reposting these quotes (originally posted
here), all conversations that took place between members of my wacky family,
which essentially provided the original inspiration for this thread. Enjoy!
Me: “I would appreciate it if you would let me get a word in edgewise.”
My older younger brother: “But we ain’t in edgewise. We’re in Minnesota!”
My sister: “Hey, guys. Guess what? Today I saw a real dead human brain.”
Me: “Great. I’m glad you two were finally reunited.”
My older younger brother: “There are monkeys in this world!”
Me: “Of course. There’s one in the living room talking right now.”
*My brothers and I are watching a Three Stooges short, and our mom walks in.*
My mom: “What’s this show called?”
My youngest brother: “ëI’m A Monkey’s Uncle’ (*the title of the short*).”
My older younger brother: “You are?”
*My mom and older younger brother are sitting on the couch in the living room. I’m looking for my two youngest siblings.*
Me: “Where are those other two chumps?”
My mom: “I don’t know. (*pause*) Hey! What do you mean by ëother chumps’?”
Me: (*carrying a roast turkey from the oven*) “Turkey coming through!”
My mom: “You talking about yourself?”
Me: “You can pick your friends, but not your family.”
My mom: “You can pick your friends, you can pick your petsó”
My dad: “You can pick your nose…”
My mom: “That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.”
Me: “Ah, I’ve seen weirder things.”
My sister: “Yeah, the mirror.”
P.S. I’d like to thank Cancerian Tiger for suggesting this thread, and Rat_lady7 for asking the question in my “Ask Me” thread that led to me originally posting the above quotes.
