The Gang of Five
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Land Before Time: Rise of Storm Tide

Pangaea

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So, the focus of your story will be alternating between the gang and the OCs you introduced in the last chapter, until they all meet? I like it. :smile

Let me just say that you did an astounding job on this entire chapter. :yes The gang (minus one member :() returning to the valley with the worst possible news; the varying reactions from the gang upon their return to the mud pool; Chomper's flashback of meeting Ruby for the first time (I can totally imagine that as a scene in a movie or TV episode; especially the part where Ruby throws Chomper a fish and it hits him in the face :lol); expertly written, all of them.

Hope you don't mind me pointing out a few slight typos, though: at one point, Grandpa Longneck addresses Cera's father as "Mr. Tree horn." Later on, you misspell Tricia's name as "Trisha" and "Trica."



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Caustizer

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Thanks for the corrections and the comments Pangaea! I'd like to get some more opinions from others to help improve my writing style - it seems that this fan fic has a long way to go before it comes close to the other good ones like Twilight Valley and Cold Time.


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Part III:

Setting: The edge of the forest at the river mouth in the Dawn Valley. The thundering rain of the previous day has retreated from the valley and given birth to a bright sun, which is still in the act of drying out the ground and trees.  The water at the opening of the river is murky and shallow, making it perfect for the sea turtles and fish that migrate up the river in the spring. Today the river is just as alive as the land as the creatures of the sea take advantage of the calm weather to feed, swim, or simply lay on the hot rocks to sun themselves. On top of a large, commanding rock with a full view of the water slightly bellow sit Rozzy and Thor.

Thor: The shell swimmers are back again this year… a tad late though. <turns to Rozzy> You think he’s here mate?

Rozzy: <strumming the rock with his feet talons> We will find out soon enough.

<Rozzy stared intently at a group of sea turtles who had beached themselves on the hot rocks to gather some sun. They spoke to one another in various conversations which were too far away to hear – not that he cared what they were saying. About a minute later a moderately sized turtle slid back into the water. The other turtles were laughing at him>

Thor: <slight smile> How about that…

Rozzy: <tilts his head up> I thought so… <turns to Thor> You brought the sweet bubbles right?

Thor: Yep … just as you asked. <knowing what’s coming, he picks them up in his mouth>

Rozzy: Leave them here, this is going to be easier then I thought…

Thor: <surprised, but obeys his friend and sets them down>



<The two egg-stealers skittered down to the shore where the lone sea turtle had found a different rock to sun himself on away from the others>

Rozzy: <speaking up> Having a bit of trouble with your friends Kepsla?

Kepsla: <bolts back into his shell, surprised that anyone is talking to him from shore. He seems to recognize the voice after a while though and slips back out, looking at the water in shame> Yeah… they think I’m weird. <looks up> Just because I like to be alone. It’s for no reason too, they think they’re better then me!

Rozzy: <brings the tips of his fingers together in a business like gesture> Well then… you can certainly show them when you come back from being alone with a mouthful of sweet bubbles can’t you?

Kepsla: <eyes wide open> Oh no…. I’m not helping you steal from the other land walkers again, no way!

Rozzy: <tilts his head up a bit, he was expecting to hear this> You won’t be… all we need is a simple favour. It will fill both of our stomachs, provided you’re willing to help.

Kepsla: If dad finds out about this… <thinks about it for a moment, and then looks around to make sure no one has seen or heard him> …What kind of favour?

<Thor could see Rozzy smile, a thick devious smile that only showed when things were going his way. Clearly, he had everyone he needed for his plan. Now it just fell to him to reveal what it was, an event that Thor could predict would come on the day they made their move, fourteen suns away>

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<Fourteen days passed faster then Thor had ever remembered. Him and Rozzy ate whatever they could find, but in their world eggs were considered the equivalent of fine dining – a feast that their kind favoured so much that the other dinosaurs named them after it.  Around this time of year many egg-stealers tried to take from nests and failed, as they were almost always well guarded or hidden to make them difficult to find.  Rozzy was smarter then the rest of them, as Thor knew firsthand, and while their brothers and sisters searched for the less guarded hidden caches for hours on end he visited various locations around the nesting grounds. He never strayed too close to alarm the mothers nested there, but was always close enough so see what went on there on a daily basis. On the morning of the day he had chosen Rozzy, Thor, Syndra and Kepsla gathered on the river bank just upstream of the nesting grounds. From here it could be clearly seen all the dinosaurs huddled together greedily sucking up the water to quench their thirst. Thor had to resist the urge to pee in the water in contempt>

Rozzy: <addressing his gathered friends> Welcome everyone… <mockingly> I trust you have all been eating well?

Syndra: Hardly… <strokes her feathers> All the good feeding spots are taken by elders or snotty males with big wings and no brains. <scoffs> One of them asked me on a date with him the other day… he’s probably still bleeding.

Kepsla: <laughs. He always enjoyed Syndra’s stories>

Syndra: <snaps back> What are you laughing at belly dragger… it probably took you all day to climb that rock!

<Thor and even Rozzy laughed, but Kepsla ducked into his shell like he had been attacked>

Kepsla: <timidly> Sorry… I wasn’t trying to be mean.

Syndra: Hmph… <snicks her nose in the air>

Thor: <interrupts> Guys, we don’t got all bloody day so you’d best listen.

Rozzy: Right… <begins to draw lines in the sand> Just downstream of us are eggs – hundreds of them – and they are well guarded. Attempting to just walk up and take one is the same as walking up to a sharptooth spitting on his nose… a one way journey to the boneyard.

Kepsla: <pipes up> I saw a group of egg-stealers try to take a swimmer’s egg near the shore the other day… one of them didn’t make it back to the trees. <suddenly realizes what he’s talking about> It…wasn’t one of your siblings was it?

Rozzy: I hope so. <gets back on topic> So we are going to have to lure the parents away from their nests, as well as keeping the competition busy.

Syndra: <stops preening her feathers> And just how do you suppose we are going to do that?

Rozzy: A sharptooth attack.

<Instantly he was bombarded with questions, accusations, and doubts>

Syndra: <sarcastically> Oh so we’re just going to ask the first sharptooth we see if he could kindly attack the nesting grounds so we can make off with everyone’s eggs?

Thor: <looked doubtful> Yeah mate I’m not seeing the end to this…

Rozzy: Not a real one! <rolls his eyes> We’re going to fake one. <draws some more lines in the sand, outlining the nesting area> One of us is going to raise the alarm, get them on alert and instil them with fear.

<Everyone was now listening intently>

Rozzy: <points to a part on his makeshift map> All this sky water we have been having has filled the ground on the walls of the valley, making it ripe for a rockslide. <pauses to let his point sink in, but they still don’t know what he’s talking about so he continues> … One of us is going to trigger a rockslide at the moment the alarm is being raised and then run ahead of it, spreading the word that the sharpteeth are coming.

Thor: I see! So in all the chaos and crashing they will think it’s an attack and if they are already on the watch it will start a stampede…that’s right devious.

Rozzy: And while this is going on, the rest of us will move in and take what we can from the nests. Normally sharpteeth don’t go after the eggs, so the parents will think they are safe. It’s up to us … <stomps on his sand map> To prove them wrong.

<Where there was doubt and concern now there was enthusiasm. It was a brilliant plan in their minds>

Kepsla: <speaks up to Rozzy> So who’s doing what?

Rozzy: <looks over to his best friend> Thor and I will take advantage of the chaos and rob the nests.

Thor: Right. <nods his head>

Rozzy: Syndra, your going to trigger the rockslide and then fly ahead to warn everyone, or rather just scream at the top of your lungs that sharpteeth are coming.

Syndra: Oh I doubt that… <clearly she didn’t like doing things that required lots of effort> But it sounds fine as long as I eat afterwards.

Rozzy: Which leaves the final job, the initial warning. <looks at Kepsla with a go ahead look>

Kepsla: <ducks into his shell again> No no I can’t lie! It’s so wrong and hurtful and…

Rozzy: Listen… we need somebody who is small, innocent, and above all has nothing to gain by lying–supposedly. <adds on with amusement> You don’t eat eggs so they aren’t likely to suspect you of anything against them.

Kepsla: But it’s still lying… I could never forgive myself!

Rozzy: Think of it this way… we know for sure that there are sharpteeth out there somewhere in the world right?

Kepsla: <unsure> Yeah…

Rozzy: So you won’t be lying then… your just not telling the whole truth.

Kepsla: Well… <he doesn’t like it, but he relents> Okay fine, but I better get some awfully tasty sweet bubbles for this – of all different kinds!

Syndra: <glowers at Kepsla> Ha… give me your share of eggs and I’ll take care of that.

Rozzy: Excellent… now everyone get to your positions. Before the day is out we will be in for a delicious feast.

<Syndra takes off and Kepsla slides down the rock into the water>

Thor: With you all the way mate…

<And the two egg-stealers left too, making their way down to the edge of the clearing to put the plan in motion>


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Setting: The rocks glisten in the fresh sunlight at the top of the cliffs overlooking the Dawn Valley on what is one of the brightest days of the season.  The bright circle hasn’t been out long enough to dry the ground out however, and it is dangerously unstable. So much so that a single prod could send it all tumbling down.

<Syndra glides in and lands on a rock with a good view of the valley, taking her time as she always does>

Syndra: <to herself> Pfff… a sharptooth attack! That land walker must be out of his mind if he thinks this is going to work…

<the rock where she was perched offered a commanding view of the valley and of the nesting grounds. Thanks to her keen sight she could see the river too, which was beneficial as she had been told to wait until she saw Kepsla spreading the word before triggering the rockslide. Patience is a virtue however, and it wasn’t one she possessed. She sits for a while, bored out of her mind, but then suddenly spots a flier in the sky, darting around as if he’s out of control>

Syndra: <not knowing what to make of it> What the?

Guido: <yelling excitedly> I’m flying, I’m finally flying again! Wahoo!

<the wind picks up, and all of a sudden he’s blowing through the air towards the rock face.  He makes a hard landing in a pile of loose stones, scattering them about>

Guido: <Brushes himself off and rubs his head> Oww… that can’t be good for the nose. <taps the end of his face to make sure it’s still on right>

Syndra: <crosses her wings and calls down> Your pretty pathetic aren’t you?

Guido: <looks up and brushes his eyes> Am I seeing things… wh-who are you?

Syndra: <sticks her nose up> I should be asking you! After all you are in my roosting spot.

<Syndra was lying about that, but as far as she was concerned this stranger was trespassing in her personal space>

Guido: <vision is still a bit blurry, he rubs his eyes again> I’m Guido.

Syndra: <unimpressed> Guido?

Guido: <her image comes into focus> Hey, You look just like me! I thought I was the only one!

Syndra: <unsure what to say> Well… umm… surprise. <spreads her wings to demonstrate her majesty, without any enthusiasm>

Guido: And your… <gapes at her> …beautiful. <clearly he is entranced>

Syndra: <rolls her eyes, she’d been here before>

Guido: Would you…umm…ah…<stutters> want to fly with me? Because…

<Syndra glanced down at the river in irritation. Listening to Guido talk was like watching a flier crash and burn. Every sentence seemed to make his chances even worse as he messed up words and sometimes even insulted her accidentally. Thankfully this time she saw Kepsla, swimming quickly up the river and hollering to any drinking dinosaurs he saw.  She could see some of them turning to flee while others went back to their nests to protect them. It was time to put her part of the plan in motion. She turned back to Guido who was still talking to her>

Syndra: <faking a smile> I’ll tell you what…

Guido: And we could sit together and watch the great circle go down and…huh? <startled at her change in tone>

<Syndra jumps down next to Guido, making it clear how much bigger then him she is, and leans to within an inch of his face. He gulps nervously as she speaks>

Syndra: If you do a little favour for me… <grins> I’ll give you a kiss.

<Guido couldn’t believe it. He hadn’t expected that things could go so good once he panicked and began to talk like he usually did when he was scared. Looking at her devious features though, he began to doubt that he was going to like what came next>

Guido: Umm…<slight laugh to hide his nervousness> what do you mean?

Syndra: <picks up a rock in her fingers> Oh nothing much… just a little bit of “earthmoving”.



<As Guido set about doing her bidding, pulling out rocks from the Cliffside, she sped off in a manner that was chosen so he wouldn’t see her. Just as she was out of his sight, a large rumble and thunderous cracking signalled his success>

Syndra: <laughing> That was too easy! <glances back> Hopefully that weirdo was buried on the way…

<Syndra continued to glide on ahead of the collapse, which was now picking up speed and tearing down trees causing birds and other fliers to flee. As soon as she was over the first of the nests she did her part and began to call out to the concerned dinosaurs down bellow>

Syndra: <calls over the roar of tumbling rocks and falling trees> SHARPTEETH!!! They are coming, run for your lives!

<Bellow, the dinosaurs nearest to the rockslide had heard the noises and shouting and bolted, needing no further warning. The nesting grounds then erupted into chaos as nearly every nested coupled obeyed their natural instincts to run away. Some tripped over each other and others accidentally trampled nests as they were pushed on from behind.  The large male longneck, who was the leader of the herd, called out as loud as he could but it was lost in the combined thunderous roar.  Unnoticed, two egg-stealers dashed onto the open grounds to take their fill in the empty void>

Rozzy: Quick Thor, grab one from each nest!

<Rozzy wasn’t worried at all, not that he had any reason to be. Everything had gone perfectly to plan so far>

Thor: Right! <obeys immediately>

Rozzy: <grabs an egg, and then stops to marvel at the carnage he created, a look of triumph adorning his face>

<The male longneck was clever and sharp and had noticed the lack of real danger right away but he could not raise the herd despite his best efforts. Sighing, his female companion rose from her nest where she had been laying and shouted at the top of her lungs>

Longneck: SILENCE!!!

<It was so loud and penetrating that nearly the entire herd turned to face her, stopping dead in their tracks. She then began to talk to them, to reason with them. This didn’t matter to Rozzy however, who had fixed his eyes on the most beautiful object he had ever seen. Underneath the mother longneck rested a single egg – an egg so large it was almost as big as he was>

Rozzy: <thinking> The ultimate prize… <licks his lips>

<And then as if on queue the birds came. Seeing a field full of unguarded nests they descended to feed>

Longneck: <calls out in alarm> Everyone…the nests!

<Rozzy right then realized that he was standing exposed in a sea of nests with an egg in his hands, which wasn’t a smart place to be when a bunch of angry mothers are running towards you with murder in their eyes.  Without hesitation he bolted for the trees and escaped>

Thor: <calls out as he reaches the bush> This way mate…hurry!

<Rozzy left behind the field where the desperate parents they had just stolen from engaged the ravenous birds and other late-coming scavengers to preserve their future. He pushed ahead deeper into the woods just behind Thor>

Rozzy: <slowing down, he takes the time to look back to see if anyone was following him, which nobody was> Another perfectly executed plan.

<suddenly Rozzy is struck down by something his size and he falls heavily to the ground. The egg he had been holding rolls briefly before stopping in a sun beam that had penetrated the canopy like a light from the heavens.>

Rozzy: <stunned> What? …Thor are you there?

<A clawed hand descends and picks up his egg, bringing it out of the light. Rozzy’s eyes follow it until they meet a pair of cold yellow eyes eerily similar to his own>

Ozzy: <steps into the light and admires the egg, then turns to him> Going somewhere… <a cold shadow of contempt passes through him> …Son?


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Pangaea

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Another great chapter! :DD Allow me to apologize in advance; I'm about to pummel you with questions and nitpicks. :p

I have the feeling that poor Guido's going to get in trouble. :rolleyes What's he doing so far from the Great Valley, anyway?

Are you going to do a character profile for Kepsla? (I really like him. :)) Good name, by the way; how'd you come up with it? (if you don't mind me asking)

I did notice a slight error early in the chapter you might want to address:
Quote
On top of a large, commanding with a full view of the water slightly bellow sit Rozzy and Thor.
A large, commanding what? (A hill, I'm assuming.) While I'm at it, "bellow" should be spelled "below," with one "L".

You also made what I felt was a slightly unusual word choice later on, just before Rozzy announces his plan:
Quote
Syndra: <stops pruning her feathers>
Don't you mean "preening"? I thought "pruning" meant trimming foliage (shrubs, trees, hedges, etc.).



Pronounced "pan-JEE-uh". Spelled with three A's. Represented by a Lystrosaurus.


Caustizer

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Errors fixed.

Kepsla comes from the root word Keeper, with a bit of a spin on it. It was Keepra to begin with but I didn't like it.  His original role in the story was to store all the jewels and stones that Rozzy found but I took it out in favour of getting the story moving.

Also Guido is so far out from the valley because the wind blew him that way.


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Part IV:

Setting: The night has once more fallen on the Great Valley as the day completes its cycle. The grasses near the secret caverns sway back and forth as the wind moves to funnel away the last heat of the twilight. It is unusually cold for this time of year, as summer is moving in for what the dinosaurs call the “dry season”.  Inside the cave, the gusts have no difficulty penetrating its walls and bringing misery to those who live there.

<Chomper shivers as the wind nips at him in his sleeping place. It had been nearly a month since the gang had returned to the valley but it still seemed like the shadow of their journey covered them.  Their parents had barely let them out of their sight, and they were always supervised as they went to play.  It was an indignity that made them all lose their vitality, as part of the fun of life was the adventure. Tonight however because of the cold Chomper just couldn’t sleep. Shivering, he looks over to where Ruby used to lay. He wasn’t sad anymore about what happened, but at this moment he also couldn’t help but miss her more then ever>

Chomper: <yawns and wanders over to the cave entrance to look at the stars> Mommy, Daddy… I know you're out there somewhere. Are you looking for me? If you are, where are you?

<As he expected, only the wind answered him>

Chomper: <sighing, he turns to go back inside but something catches his eye in the night sky> One foot away from the night circle… <he remembers, and puts up his foot to measure> … Hey, it’s Ruby’s star day!

<The realization was so powerful and vivid it brought back a memory from the time before him and Ruby left for the Great Valley>



Chomper: <smiles in anticipation> Ruby are you almost ready to go?

Ruby: <laughs> You know me… I’ll be ready when I’m ready.

<Ruby was busy washing in a small pond with the rest of her family. They enjoyed the water and spent as much time in it as they could when things got really hot>

Ruby’s Dad: <to one of her siblings> Calm down! There will be plenty of time for playing later. <gets splashed by both siblings at once> Hey! What did I say? <he laughs>

Ruby: <to her mom> I don’t want to go mommy, I’ll miss you all too much!

Ruby’s Mom: Remember what I told you dear… <holds both of her daughter’s hands> …the Great Valley is a place of harmony between different kinds and if you can learn how they live together… maybe one day we won’t have to run anymore.

<Ruby’s Mom could tell by the look on her daughter’s face that she didn’t believe her. Ruby was a smart child and she knew more things then her mom ever would, but she was also obedient which was needed now the most. Despite it’s necessity it hurt her to have to let go of her eldest child. Ruby meant the world to her, and always would>

Dad: <sees the distressed look of his daughter> The Great Valley is a wondrous place – I’m sure you will love it there. <smiles> Maybe you will find others of our kind and make some new friends.

Ruby: Daddy! <she hugs him one last time>

Mom: <her tone grows slightly more serious> Ruby… you must also remember that you are not a leaf eater like them – in order to fit in you must not eat any meat.

Ruby: <intimidated by the concept> But what about water swimmers, shell meats, and everything else I like to eat?

Mom: <grips her hands tighter in a caring gesture> I know it will take some time getting used to it but you must listen. Your father and I only want what’s best for you.

Ruby: <hugs her mom too> I already miss you… and I haven’t even left.

Dad: <adds importantly> Don’t forget… you must learn how the dinosaurs in the Great Valley work together.

Mom: That’s right Ruby… that knowledge could one day save us from–

Chomper: <interrupts> –Redclaw!



< A pang of sadness ran through Chomper as he remembered how nice Ruby’s family was to him after his parents left. He shivered to think how they would react when they found out what happened to her.  Regardless of what the others said, she died saving him and while the shock and pain of what happened was gone the guilt of that fact would never leave him. All of a sudden he realized something important>

Chomper: Her family! Ruby’s mommy and daddy don’t know…
   
<Chomper debated on what to do next. On one hand it had been hard for them to accept him in their family to begin with, and if he told them that Ruby was dead they would never forgive him.  His list of friends was small enough as it is.  But on the other hand if he didn’t tell them nobody ever would, and they would never know the noble sacrifice their daughter made>

Chomper: <reaching his decision> I’ve got to tell them!

<At once, Chomper formed an idea of what he was going to do in his head.  There were a lot of things involved including when he would leave and whether he was going to bring his friends with him>

Chomper: I can’t go with my friends… their parents are watching them all the time. <talking aloud to himself> I’ll have to go alone… this is my fault and I have to fix it!

<A victim of his eager nature, he left immediately and without telling his friends. So, as dawn began to break over the horizon he left once more for the mysterious beyond and all the dangers it beheld>


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<The next day the gang decided to go to climb the rocky heights at the edge of the Great Valley. Littlefoot, Ducky, Spike, Cera, and Petrie met at the riverbank along with Petrie’s Mom, who had agreed to watch them today. They were halfway there when one of them noticed that Chomper was absence>

Cera: Is it just me or are we missing someone? <looks around> Usually that somewhat is snapping at my tail about now.

Petrie: <frantic> Cera right! Chomper not here.

Ducky: <assuring him> Do not worry Petrie, he probably just has the sleepies.

Petrie’s Mom: That’s right Ducky… I’m sure the other young one will catch up.

<The gang minus Chomper spends the rest of the day climbing up and down the cliffs enjoying themselves.  Mid-day they went down to the river for a drink and a bath. Soon the great circle began to dip low in the sky, signalling its time for everyone to go home>

Petrie: <calls out as he flies away> Me go home with mommy…soon it be too dark to fly at all!

Ducky: <waves> Bye Petrie…

Littlefoot: See you tomorrow!

Cera: Gotta like how Chomper blew us off today… sometimes I think he doesn’t belong with us here in the valley. He’s too different.

<Cera looks to Littlefoot to rebuke her, but strangely it doesn’t happen. Littlefoot just half-nods as if his attention is else ware and turns away>

Cera: <to Littlefoot> What’s wrong with you? Usually you would be like… <mimics Littlefoot> “Chomper’s our friend Cera and he’s a nice sharptooth blah blah blah…”

Littlefoot: <plainly> Well…maybe he doesn’t belong with us.

Cera: That doesn’t sound like the Littlefoot I know…

Littlefoot: <angry> Why is it suddenly my fault he’s not here?

Cera: I didn’t say…

Littlefoot: I’m tired of being responsible for what everybody does around here! Every time something goes wrong I’m the one who gets in trouble…

Cera: Well you did her let go…

<It slipped out before Cera could stop it. She didn’t intend to say it but she knew it was too late. The sharptooth had been released>

Littlefoot: <infuriated> I don’t wanna hear it Cera! Your telling me how I’m wrong and your right! You want to lead? Fine. I never asked for any of this anyway. You can go explain to our parents how it was your fault Ruby died!

Ducky: <gasps> Littlefoot…

Littlefoot: <yelling> I’m done! <turns his back on them> And I’m going home before I get in anymore trouble.

<Littlefoot turns and walks away leaving Cera standing there wondering what happened. One minute they were friends and now they were fighting again.  She could only drive herself to be mad at Littlefoot, and just as he had gone a few steps away she called after him>

Cera: Stubborn longneck!

<Littlefoot stops for a moment, but then thinks better of responding and continues to walk>

Ducky: Cera… I think you made him mad, you did.

Cera: Well he deserved it!

Ducky: <just looks at the ground, ashamed at having to watch what just happened>

Cera: He doesn’t even care that Chomper is missing either…

Ducky: Oh Cera what should we do?

Cera: <wanders about for a bit, thinking> Well… we should check the secret caverns at least. If he’s not there then… umm…we’ll just have to go looking for him! <satisfied>

Ducky: <looks slightly happier> I agree, I do, but we should hurry before the bright circle disappears over the mountains or it will be too dark to see!

<On that note Cera, Ducky and Spike depart off in the direction of the secret caverns in hopes of discovering what happened to their missing Sharptooth>

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Setting: The secret caverns looked scary in the dusk as Cera, Ducky, and Spike approached the entrance. The clouds glowed a reddish hue as the last sun beams of the day passed through the sky and reflected off their surface. The wind was non-existent as if to leave a latent sense of foreboding in the air>

<As the three went inside the cave Ducky began to call out>

Ducky: <hands in a cone around her mouth> Chomper! Chomper, are you in here?

Spike: <groans along with Ducky but doesn’t say any actual words>

Cera: <looks around, making sure to take in the whole cave> Well it doesn’t look like he’s here…

Ducky: <concerned> What do we do now Cera?

Cera: <not sure what to do next> Umm…  <Littlefoot was good at this sort of thing but unfortunately she wasn’t>

Ducky: <looks around again, then adds in fear> … Cera?

<suddenly a small squeaky voice comes from the other end of the cave>

Skip: Hey! I heard you were looking for your friend. I can help. <his voice was rushing along as if he was thinking at a mile a minute> I know him and I know you I’ve seen you before.

Cera: <confused> Huh?

Ducky: <recognises him> Hey, it’s Skip! <sees Cera’s inquiring look> Oh… he helped us reach hanging rock last rainy season, he did.

Skip: Yep, if it’s here I know where! <he bolts up to Cera to introduce himself, but she jumps back in surprise. He holds out his hand> Skip’s the name and the Mysterious Beyond is my game.

Cera: Then what are you doing here? <annoyed> In case you haven’t noticed this is in the Great Valley…

Ducky: It’s nice to see you again Skip, it is. <she remembers why she was in the cave> Oh have you seen a little friendly sharptooth anywhere? We have been looking all over for him, we have!

Skip: <thinks for a moment> From what I saw he left yesterday, very quickly. I followed him to help him know the way, but you know we got separated.

Cera: What!?! He just left?

Ducky: Skip, did you see where he goned-ed to?

Skip: I think so, come with me! <waves them onward>

Cera: <mumbling to herself> This better be worth it…

<Rushing to find their friend, Cera, Ducky, and Spike followed Skip through the secret caverns. Cera lends a thought to what her father would think about her not coming home tonight but it quickly passes – he wasn’t the boss of her and she could do what she wanted. Besides, this adventure was more thrilling then any one she had been on before, because this time she was in charge and it felt good to finally be leading the way>


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Setting: The clearing in the Great Valley where the Longnecks nest and sleep at night.

<Littlefoot settled into his bed in a fuss. He was still angry about what had happened earlier that day and couldn’t help but repeat the incident in his head over and over again. It wasn’t fair that the parents in the valley blamed him for what happened, and the stress of it just built up until he snapped, taking out his anger on his friends.>

Grandma Longneck: <walking over> Is something bothering you my Littlefoot?

Littlefoot: <looks up> Oh… it’s nothing.

Grandma: <smiles> Come now… if that is true then you wouldn’t have been home so early. If it’s something I can help you with you can tell me.

Littlefoot: <sighs> Well… it’s just that everyone blames me for something that wasn’t my fault.

Grandma: I see. <Looks up to the night sky, the wizened wrinkles on the side of her face revealed by the moonlight> There are things under the great circles that we can change and others we cannot. <brushes her nose against Littlefoot to comfort him> But the others certainly don’t blame you. They are covering up their own distress and misgivings by acting out inappropriately. It’s never easy to lose a young one even if it’s not your own.

Littlefoot: <looking at the ground in shame and drawing in the dirt> I don’t understand Grandma.

Grandma: <smiles reassuringly > You will someday Littlefoot… it comes to you as you grow up. Now, I’m sure your friends are very worried about you.

Littlefoot: Yeah… <secretly he felt bad for his earlier outburst and he wanted to apologize. There was only one problem> But it’s too late for me to go now… I’ll have to go tomorrow.

Grandma: <seeing his distress> If it’s bothering you Littlefoot then you can go whenever you like.

Littlefoot: So I can go now? <excitedly>

Grandma: <nods> I won’t tell.

Littlefoot: <gets up and runs to the edge of the clearing, then turns back to his grandma> Don’t worry… I’ll be back.

Grandma: I know you will my Littlefoot… <whispers to herself> I know you will.


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Pangaea

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Awesome chapter! A great example of how a chapter can be excellent without any action scenes whatsoever. I love how you expanded upon the flashback from "The Star Day Celebration," and how it looks like we'll be seeing the gang (some of them, anyway) going on another adventure without Littlefoot (not that I have anything against Littlefoot, but I find the change in leadership refreshing :p). Also, Cera's lineó
Quote
Cera: Is it just me or are we missing someone? <looks around> Usually that somewhat is snapping at my tail about now.
óhilarious! :lol (Ohóholy buckets! I just noticed now that that "somewhat" should probably be "someone"! :blink:)

Well, I guess it's time for my obligatory nitpicking of the chapter: :p
Quote
The night has once more fallen on the Great Valley as the day completes it’s cycle.
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I know your out there somewhere.
The underlined words should be "its" and "you're," respectively.
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<The realization was so powerful and vivid it reminded him of a memory he once had, back before him and Ruby left before the Great Valley>
Might I suggest rewording that to:
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<The realization was so powerful and vivid it brought back a memory, from before he and Ruby left for the Great Valley>
I could point out and explain the errors, but I thought that offering an edited version of the sentence would be quicker and more helpful.

Quote
Cera: Well you did her let go…
I think you might be missing a word there. ("Cera: Well you did let her let go…"?)

Also, hasn't Cera already been acquainted with Skip? (She, Petrie, and Littlefoot were all there at the end of "Return to Hanging Rock" when ) You needn't change the scene much; maybe just add an extra line like:
Quote
Cera: <rolls eyes> Yes, I remember you. What are you doing here? <annoyed> In case you haven’t noticed this is in the Great Valley…
I would also suggest changing Ducky's line from "Hey, it's Skip!" to "Hey, it is Skip!" to be more in keeping with her manner of speaking.

Finally, (this is more of a stylistic suggestion, and as such I'm a little hesitant to mention it), but don't you think it would be more likely that the dinosaurs would say "wet time" and "dry time" ("wet" as opposed to "rainy," seeing as they refer to rain as "skywater"), in line with how they use "cold time" to refer to winter?

EDIT: Sorry about the long list of criticisms. I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries as a reviewer by making suggestions as to how parts of the story could be alternatively written.



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Caustizer

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Quote from: Pangaea,Jul 22 2009 on  01:43 AM
EDIT: Sorry about the long list of criticisms. I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries as a reviewer by making suggestions as to how parts of the story could be alternatively written.
Perfectly acceptable. I write the stories on paper and then copy them onto the website at night so sometimes I rush it when my fingers start to hurt  :x

Overall Act II Part IV is the most boring chapter in the entire story up to this point, at least in my opinion.

EDIT: The inquiring look Cera gives to Ducky more implies why is she talking to him as opposed to who is he. At no point does Cera say that she doesn't know Skip, though he assumes they haven't properly met and introduces himself anyways.


Caustizer

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New Character Info:

Syndra is one of four sisters who are living separately in the Dawn Valley. Their parents left when they were barely old enough to flap their wings and never came back. She is a microraptor gui, however her and her sisters are much bigger then usual for their kind due to a combination of both their land of origin and big bones making them nearly a separate sub-species. Microraptors are typically easy going and forgetful creatures, but Syndra is the exact opposite. From the moment of her birth she was bossy and rude and much like Cera in the first Land Before Time she has yet to find where her heart truly lies. She has no friends to guide her and while that suited her as a hatchling she now finds herself somewhat lonely and bitter at the hand the world has dealt her. She learned to deal with it… so others will have to learn to deal with her – at least that’s how Syndra sees it.

Part V:

Setting: Petrie’s family nest. This location sits on a cliff overlooking what is usually a dry riverbed but today is a flowing river thanks to the passing rainy season. A large rock hangs over the nest protecting it from the small pattering drops of rain which now lightly trickle from the sky.

<The nest was quiet as Petrie and his mom approached from the sky. Petrie’s siblings were asleep so his mother shushed him to be silent. They both settled into sleep but something was bothering Petrie>

Petrie: Mommy… Guido not here again!

Mom: <comforts him> You know how he is… he stays by day and leaves in the night. I’m sure he’ll find his way back eventually.

Petrie: But he never gone this long… only when we move nest and he get lost.

Mom: Don’t worry about it dear, he’ll be fine.

<Petrie couldn’t sleep that night. He tossed and turned because he couldn’t get comfortable. Finally in the middle of the night he was awoken by a heavy object landing on top of him>

Petrie: <snaps awake> Oww… that hurt!

Guido: Oh… sorry Petrie <laughs> I didn’t see you there.

Petrie: Guido you back! But, where you go? <questioningly>

Guido: <brings his hands together> I found the most stunningly beautiful creature I’ve ever seen!

Petrie: <thinks about similar things he’s seen like flowers and butterflies> Oh… but that not worth waking up Petrie in the middle of the night! <yawns>

Guido: But Petrie, she looked just like me! <spreads his wings in joy> I’m not one of a kind anymore! <suddenly his tone turns sad> But ah… I turned around and she was gone. I’ll probably never find her again.

Petrie: <reminded of his sleeping stick> Whenever me want to find something me go looking for it.

Guido: <determined> Your right Petrie! <stands up to the edge of the nest> I’ll find her if I have to go all the way to end of the Mysterious Beyond. <turns nervous again as he gets ahead of himself> … maybe not that far.

Petrie: <yawns> Can it wait till circle rise? Me tired.

Guido: <back to his usual frightfulness> Yeah… <quick laugh> you got it Petrie.

<Now that his friend was back Petrie slept better. Guido didn’t sleep at all. He was quite a bit older then Petrie and had never known the emotion of love before. It passed through him like a crack of sky fury and refused to leave – he couldn’t stop thinking about her. When she brought her face close to his and promised him a kiss. It was probably better that Guido didn’t sleep as when he finally closed his eyes after a few hours his body and mind were too tired to sleep fly>


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Setting: The mysterious beyond a fair distance from the valley. Despite all the rain that has fallen elseware it is as dry and arid as ever. Breaking the dry, mountainous terrain are pools of bubbling tar seeping up amongst the bones of those long past.  To Chomper this place is only slightly familiar but on these very high cliffs a long time ago the egg he would hatch from was laid.

<Chomper moved about cautiously, motivated to do so by the morbidity of his surroundings. Once more the mysterious beyond was proving to be a lot bigger place then he remembered, and now that Skip was gone he had nobody to guide him. Hearing the sound of falling rocks, Chomper turns abruptly toward it>

Chomper: Hello? Is anyone there?

<nothing>

Chomper: Hmm … <moves on> I guess it’s just me.

<Chomper smelt his attacker before he saw or heard him. He dove under a nearby rock seconds before Thudd landed where he had been. Enraged at missing his meal, Thudd snapped at the gap in the rock. It proved to be too small an opening to get through, and Chomper was far underneath>

Thudd: <backs up from the hole> Lucky little biter… <with contempt>

Chomper: Thudd? <recognizes him> I saved you on the rock we were supposed to be friends!

Thudd: <scoffs> There’s no room for friends on an empty stomach…only food. <bares his teeth>

Chomper: <looks around but finds no escape> Hey wait a minute… where’s Screech and Redclaw? Your alone.

Thudd: <turns away in an attempt to conceal the merest hint of grief showing on his face, but Chomper catches it just in time>

Chomper: Oh… What happened?

Thudd: <renews his attempts to break under the rock> None of your business little biter! My brother was prey to he that is no longer my master.

Chomper: So Redclaw ATE Screech? <strangely it wasn’t a very relieving thought, Redclaw truly was evil>

Thudd: <stops chopping at the rock, realizing it’s a waste of time> You win this time… but next time I catch you it will be your last.

<Thudd turns to leave>

Chomper: <sadly> So that means you have… nobody.

Thudd: <wheels around and snarls at Chomper> … So?

Chomper: We can still be friends you know… after all, both of us are alone and two sniffers are better then one! <points to his nose and smiles>

Thudd: <glares at Chomper a moment> Consider yourself fortunate that I let you go this time. My old master has new pets who aren’t so nice. <and with that he left, leaving Chomper alone again>

Chomper: <to himself> I don’t know why he’s acting like this… if only he knew what it was like to have friends he wouldn’t have to be so mean!

<Chomper quietly poked out from under the rock, sniffing the air for any sign that Thudd might be waiting for him. Satisfied that the sharptooth is in fact gone, Chomper looks up at the Great circle and yawns>

Chomper: Man, I’m tired!

<Since he left in the middle of the night he hadn’t slept for almost half a day. Chomper slides back under the rock where it is cool and nods off to sleep>



<It is still the day when Chomper awakes. He yawns, revealing rows of small sharp teeth, and stretches. It was odd getting up in the middle of the day… he felt like his personal clock was off time. As soon as the world comes into focus he hears voices outside, and they sounded familiar>

Ducky: <in the distance> Chomper! Chomper where are you?

Cera: <also yelling> Chomper!

Chomper: It’s Ducky and Cera! <skitters out from under the rock and yells back> Guys… I’m up here!

<For a moment he wasn’t sure if they heard him or not but soon he saw them making their way through the bone yard, heading towards him. Surprisingly Ducky reached him first>

Ducky: <gasping for breath> Oh Chomper… we looked-did for you all day… we did. Why did you go?

Chomper: <apoligises> Sorry Ducky, but I had to do this alone.

Cera: <angry> Do what alone? We’re supposed to be your friends and you didn’t even bother telling us you left!

Chomper: <eager to get on his way> Yeah I know but it was important, I have to go now or I might never find them.

Cera: <she was so mad her glare probably would have boiled metal> FIND WHO!?!

Chomper: Ruby’s mommy and daddy, they don’t know what happened.

Cera: Well you… huh?

Chomper: <rubs his arm while he looks down> Nobody is around to tell them… I have to do it.

<Cera was speechless. Chomper did have a good reason to go, and he probably left them behind because of how he knew they would get in trouble if they went with him. After a moment Cera works up an answer>

Cera: <sighs> Fine… but now that we’re all here we might as well go together.

Ducky: I agree… I do.

Chomper: Then come on… <beckons them to follow> Secluded canyon is just up this way! <they don’t follow> …I said come on we have to go! … <nothing> Umm guys?

<Ducky, Cera and Spike were all staring over his shoulder, their eyes wide in horror>

Chomper: … What’s wrong?

Cera: <turning pale with terror> L-look behind you!

<Chomper turns around hesitantly and comes face to face with probably the scariest group of fast biters he had ever seen. They had prowled around behind him and now covered both their path of escape and the surrounding cliffs. Their skin was jet black and their eyes were a molten red, the kind that Chomper had never seen before. These must be Redclaw’s new minions>

Ducky: <stuttering> sh-sh-sharpteeth! <screams>

Chomper: Uh oh…


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<Littlefoot ran on with purpose he hadn’t felt for a long time. In the night he had visited Chomper’s cave and found it empty. What he did find though was footprints in the muddy ground, which he followed all through the cave until he reached the exit in the mysterious beyond. He didn’t know about this one…they would have to seal it to keep sharpteeth from getting in here. Surprisingly, there was someone waiting for him there that he barely recognised>

Skip: <looking exhausted> Hey… your Littlefoot right?

Littlefoot: <responds quickly> Yeah… but I’m kind of in a hurry, you wouldn’t happen to of seen a threehorn, a swimmer, and a spiketail come this way?

Skip: <points back the way he came> They went that way my friend. <crawls into the cool cave and curls up, yawning> … you know there’s so many of you out there I wouldn’t be surprised if you get jumped by sharpteeth.

<Skip opens one eye ball and sees that Littlefoot was already gone… he hadn’t bothered to say goodbye. To tired to care, he falls asleep>



<Far ahead Littlefoot heard the cries of his friends. He rushed along until he reached the edge of a wide ravine, which unfortunately made the situation worse. Trapped below were Ducky, Cera, Spike and Chomper and they were surrounded by vicious looking Sharpteeth covering every escape. They were certainly doomed>

Littlefoot: <yells down> Hang on I’m coming. <he is unsure if they heard him or not>

<Suddenly a pair of feet land softly right behind him. Surprised and frightened Littlefoot cried out>

Ruby’s Dad: <gives a silencing gesture> Quiet… if you want your friends to live you will do exactly as I say little one.

Littlefoot: <nods his head – it wasn’t like he had a choice>



<Ducky, Chomper, Spike and Cera were all backed into a corner. There was nowhere to go>

Ducky: <scared, turns to Cera> What do we do Cera?

Cera: <shaking, cries out> I don’t KNOW! <hides in her hands>

<The lead fast-biter stepped forward with it’s jaws open and teeth bared. As the leader of the pack she would make the first kill – the only dilemma now was which one to choose. The spiketail in the front looked plump and juicy. She licked her lips. Suddenly a rock whirls through the air and hits her flank, causing her to hiss in pain. Whirling to face her attacker, who was positioned in line with the sun to block her vision, she snarls in outrage>

Ruby’s Dad:  Why not pick on someone your own size Blackray?

< Blackray squinted through the sunlight and saw the outline of her enemy. Without hesitation she ordered the other four members of her pack to attack. Behind them in the direction the gang was headed Littlefoot called out>

Littlefoot: Over here… he’s keeping them busy for us!

<They didn’t need to be told twice. Siezing the opportunity Duck and Spike ran towards Littlefoot and escape, but Chomper stayed behind>

Chomper: Wait! We can’t just leave him!

Cera: <annoyed> Why not?

Chomper: That’s Ruby’s dad!

Cera: <surprised> That’s Ruby’s dad!?! <As she watched him grab a fast biter by the jaws and flip him into the tar pool, and then duck just in time to dodge a claw to the neck, she wondered how in the world he could be related to the shy and diplomatic friend they used to have. But then maybe she wasn’t so different… a quick kick to the face knocked out another one of the fast-biters>

Chomper: <runs towards the fight> We’ve got to help him!

Cera: In your sleep stories… I’m not getting eaten. <turns to go to Littlefoot, but he comes to her. Unfortunately it consisted of him knocking her over as he rushed by to help Chomper>

Ruby’s Dad: No! Run away while you still can!

<In a moment’s distraction he doesn’t notice Blackray sneaking up behind him. In one leap the fast biter pounces on him and sinks her teeth into his hindquarters. He cries out in pain and begins to struggle. The other two close in on him. One of them goes for his neck right away, but he grabs its jaws and holds it back. The last one prepares to slash open his exposed side>

Chomper: <jumps up and chomps on it’s tail>

<The sharptooth hisses in pain and thrashes about in an attempt to shake the tiny biter off him>

Littlefoot: Take this! <charges in and sweeps out it’s legs, causing it to crash to the ground>

<Ruby’s Dad takes advantage of the moment and tosses the sharptooth in his hands aside. He whirls around and elbows Blackray in the lower jaw causing her to release her grip, stunned. Disillusioned and numb in her face bones she growled to the others to retreat. This fight wasn’t going well and they were losing. She promptly turned and fled, clipping rocks as she stumbled and tried to regain her balance as she ran. The other three got up and sprinted after her, ending the fight. The tar pool bubbled where one of their number had drowned>

Cera: <snorting> That’s right, you better run! <grins at Mr. Fastrunner, who isn’t amused>

Ruby’s Dad: <angry> What do you kids think your doing out here? Do you have any idea how dangerous it is!?! <he talked with his hands as well as his mouth, using similar body language to his daughter. Nobody else they knew did that>

Chomper: <ignores him> Hey Mr. Fastrunner it’s me Chomper!

Ruby’s Dad: <astonished> Chomper? … then you all must be Ruby’s friends from the Great Valley.

Ducky: <pipes up> Yep, yep, yep we are!

<A fearsome roar blares out far in the distance, signifying that Redclaw has learned about their whereabouts from his minions. Chomper and Ruby’s Dad knew what it meant and glanced quickly at the source. The others ignored it because it happened so much in the Mysterious Beyond they had gotten used to strange sounds. Redclaw was on his way>

Littlefoot: Thanks for saving us Mr. Fastrunner… I’m Littlefoot, a longneck <points to Cera> and this is Cera, a threehorn.

Ruby’s Dad: <maturely> Nice to meet you both, but now isn’t the time to stay and chat. We’d best hurry along…. <all of a sudden he notices how they all look away from him, as if hiding something> …Where is my daughter?

<Nobody stepped up to answer>


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Pangaea

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Excellent chapter, as usual. (I've gotta come up with a fresh way of opening these reviews. :rolleyes) The new character info is much appreciated! :yes

Glad to find out that Guido didn't get hurt in the rockslide (or get in trouble for causing it :p). I also liked your explanation that Guido sleeps in Petrie's family's nest at night, but leaves during the day to do...who knows what. :p

I'm not surprised Thud abandoned his pact with Red Claw. (I'm going to hold off on my speculation of what role he's going to play in the fanfic, now that he's dropped his allegiances with the main villain.) Though it looks like the gang's going to have more trouble with Red Claw than ever, seeing as he's got new fast biters working for him now, and more of them. :o

It's also great to see a member of Ruby's family show up again. I've always liked them. :yes (You know, somehow I completely forgot that other than Ducky and Spike, none of the gang of five has seen Ruby's parents before! :blink:)

I must also commend you for managing a feat few other fanfiction writers have (though this should not constitute any lack of authorial ability on their part ;)): As a rule, I tend to be more or less emotionally numb when it comes to reading (apart from the feeling of anticipation I get from a really exciting or interesting story); but the concluding scene of this latest chapter excited a definite pang of emotion from me. It was brief, and I'm not sure if I can properly describe it (anxiety with a frosting of sadness is about the best I can come up with), but it's very rare for me to feel this way while reading anything, so I felt it was worth sharing.

Constructive criticism time! :p
Quote
It passed through him like a crack of sky fury and refused to leave
Don't you mean sky fire? Or did you deliberately write "sky fury" as your own LBT term?
Quote
Setting: The mysterious beyond a fair distance from the valley. Despite all the rain that has fallen elseware it is as dry and arid as ever. Breaking the dry, mountainous terrain are pools of bubbling tar seeping up amongst the bones of those long past. To Chomper this place is only slightly familiar but on these very high cliffs a long time ago the egg he would hatch from was laid.
I underlined the parts I thought needed adjusting. (I think you should capitalize "mysterious beyond," like you did in Act 1, Part 1.) Here's my suggestion for the revised sentence:
Quote
Setting: The Mysterious Beyond, a fair distance from the valley. Despite all the rain that has fallen elsewhere it is as dry and arid as ever. Breaking the dry, mountainous terrain are pools of bubbling tar seeping up amongst the bones of those long past. To Chomper this place is only slightly familiar but on these very high cliffs a long time ago the egg he hatched from was laid.

Here's another one:
Quote
Siezing the opportunity Duck and Spike ran towards Littlefoot and escape
Edited version:
Quote
Seizing the opportunity Ducky and Spike ran towards Littlefoot and escaped

I'm now more eager for the next chapter than ever. :yes (No pressure, mind you! ;)) By the way, I noticed that you still haven't edited the last chapter yet (though I now understand the scene with Cera and Skip, thanks to your explanation).



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New Character Info:

Kepsla is a sea turtle who was brought up with high esteem and values. His parents got unlucky the year he was born, and he was the only hatchling to make it from the beach to the sea of his entire clutch. He doesn’t remember this of course, but because of this his mom and dad have put all of their time into raising him so he doesn’t relate well with others his age.  His parents are isolationist, believing that what happens in the sea stays in the sea and what happens on land is none of their business. Purely, this is the reason why Kepsla got in with Rozzy and Thor because they brought the adventure that his ordinary life lacked, not to mention they gave him food that no others of his kind could get. In his eyes, it’s a winning situation though he doesn’t like to break the morals that his parents taught him in the process.

The moment Blackray opened her eyes as a fast-biter hatchling she witnessed her mother murdering her father. Her mother killed him because he couldn’t provide food for her clutch, so she reasoned that as punishment he would feed them with his own flesh. Growing up her mind and stomach were hardened by starvation and thirst, and when she had her first children she similarly executed her mate in his sleep because that is how she believed the world worked – the male always fed the nest.  Now her pack consists of only her own children, for they will never betray her.  To the males that don’t know her she is a choice prize, but to the rest of the mysterious beyond in the know she is a psychotic cannibal who respects none but those who hatch from her own.

Part VI:

Setting: The dense jungle next to the nesting grounds in the Dawn Valley.

<As Rozzy sat face to face with his father waves of hatred and resentment washed over him. Often the two of them were away from the den on their own business, so they rarely saw each other let alone spoke. This was one of the reasons Rozzy hated his father – he didn’t even know him. Ozzy only ever cared for himself>

Rozzy: <rises from the dirt> That egg is mine… give it back to me or I’ll take it.

Ozzy: <raises an eye brow> Yours? … <he laughs uncaringly> Finders keepers is it boy? You’ve grown up to be quite the little thief.

Rozzy: No thanks to you! <glares at him> … Now give it back to me or else!

<As if to break the tension Strut shuffles in through the bushes and turns to Ozzy>

Strut: <whining> Ozzy…why’d ya have to run so fast? The branches were hitting me in the nose! <rubs the end of his face>

<Wishing to preserve the precious father/son moment a little longer, Ozzy releases the branch he had bent to get in. It snapped back and knocked Strut into the bush>

Ozzy: Now where were we? <remembers their conversation> Ah yes… thank you for getting this and saving me the trouble. <Opens his mouth to take a bite>

<Rozzy springs forward and rather then trying to snatch the egg, as his father was expecting, he ducked under and pushed it into Ozzy’s face. Egg juice splattered everywhere. In rage, his father retaliated and kicked him hard in the chest, knocking him back onto the ground. A swift leap later and Ozzy was on top of him holding him down with a grotesquely taloned foot, the razor sharp claws millimetres from his exposed throat>

Ozzy: <yelling> Ungrateful little runt! I spent a dozen seasons of my life finding food to stuff down your miserable, squeeling mouth and this is how you repay me? <fuming>

Strut: <speaking quietly> Are you sure this is right Ozzy? I mean it’s stealing from your own kid…

Ozzy: <turns on him> Did I ask your opinion you leaf gobbling whiner?

Strut: Well… umm… no I suppose you didn’t <laughs nervously, hoping that Ozzy won’t hit him again>

Ozzy: <switches back to his son> If you try that again… <tightens his grip causing Rozzy to choke> You won’t be returning to the den… or anywhere else. <releases his grip>

<Rozzy glares after his father with pure hate as Ozzy and Strut leave, letting the partially smashed egg rot on the ground. He hesitates for a moment, not sure what to do.  He rubbed the skin around his neck to make sure it wasn’t bleeding, before whisking off into the bush to follow Thor>



<Thor, Syndra and Kepsla gathered in the clearing where they had met the morning before. Waiting for Rozzy to return, it was clear that everyone was impatient to divide up the loot>

Kepsla: <eagerly> Syndra, what did you get me?

Syndra: <brushes him off> You’ll find out soon enough…

Kepsla: I can’t wait! Tell me now … please, please, please! <smiles>

Syndra: <glares at him> You know seafood isn’t off the menu right?

Kepsla: Eeek! <retreats back into his shell>

<Thor was slightly worried. It wasn’t like Rozzy to lag behind so much, especially when the best part of the plan was yet undone… the part where they eat. His fears were allieviated when Rozzy finally burst through the bushes, covered in cuts and bruises>

Thor: <concerned> Are you alright mate?

Rozzy: <angrily> Do I look alright?

Syndra: <laughs> Looks like somebody got caught…

<Rozzy gave Syndra a look that clearly said, “I’d shut up if I were you”. She answered by sticking up her nose and turning away. It wasn’t worth her time to argue over something so pointless>

Rozzy: <spitefully> My father jumped me and stole the egg… <before adding> So I didn’t get anything.

Thor: No worries mate, I got it covered.

<Rozzy looks up and notices the eggs that Thor had brought back. Impressively there was no less then seven of them. He couldn’t help but admire Thor, he was such a good right hand and without him none of them would be eating>

Rozzy: Good. <finishes counting them up> Which means three of us get two and somebody gets only one. <takes the bullet> And since I lost mine… it looks like it’s me.

Kepsla: <to Syndra> Can I have them now, can I?

Syndra: Knock yourself out… <tosses him a bunch of berries and fruits that she had picked on her way down from the mountain. True to her word, they were of many different types. She had made sure to strip them of any bugs or insects too, just to hold her until the real feast>

Kepsla: <eyes wide> Oh thanks a lot Syndra!

Syndra: Umm…yeah you’re welcome. <she was used to dealing with attitude, so praise was a new thing. She didn’t know how to react, it was too weird>

<So the eggs were divided up evenly. Thor ended up with two, Rozzy with the one, and Syndra with her two plus Kepsla’s share making a total of four. It was obvious that Syndra got the lion’s share, yet she wasn’t satisfied. Something just didn’t feel right about it – taking so many of them when she didn’t do that much at all. Thor happily gorged the moment he got his, and was now digging into the yolk. Rozzy just sat there and started at his egg as though his mind was else where. Kepsla was covered in berry juice as he insisted on taking a bite of every single one instead of taking it one at a time. Syndra had kind of began to think of them as friends – something she had never really had. Maybe it was time to do something nice for a change>

Syndra: <grabs one of her eggs and rolls it over to Rozzy>

<The egg hobbles along the rough ground and taps Rozzy’s foot as it comes to a halt. Mildly surprised, he looks at her with a blank expression>

Syndra: <sincerely> Take it… I wouldn’t be able to carry it home anyway.

<Rozzy smiled gently before returning to his thoughts. Maybe Syndra wasn’t so bad either>

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Setting: A mountainside just east of the tar pools. Unlike the lowlands the rain has hit this area just enough for green plants to rise from the soil and grow. Refracted beams of light shine a reddish glow over the entire landscape as the coming twilight beckons the gang onward.

<Littlefoot and the rest followed in behind Ruby’s Dad as he led them through the pass to his family’s current home. Mr. Fastrunner was much faster then they were but he made sure to stop at regular intervals so they could catch up. He ushered them ahead>

Ruby’s Dad: It’s just over the rise… this way.

<To Littlefoot’s surprise he was taking the news of his daughter’s fate very well. It could be that he was good at hiding his emotions, or that he was simply refusing to give into grief while they were still in danger. Littlefoot found himself admiring him for this>

Cera: <brashly, in her usual manner> How much farther can it be, we’ve been walking all day!

Ducky: We are almost there, we are. We came this way when we went to Hanging Rock!

Chomper: <changing the subject> Hey, where’s Petrie?

Cera: Oh who knows… <the others glare at her> Okay okay I forgot to tell him but I’m sure he’s fine.

Ducky: He will not be happy we left him at home…oh no, no, no.



<The gang had finally arrived at their destination – a large lake inside of the crater at the top of the mountain. Ahead, Ruby’s Mom along with her two children were sitting watching the sun go down. As soon as her mate approached she noticed his injuries, and the feathers on the back of her neck rise in fear>

Ruby’s Mom: <alarmed> Oh Cassius your hurt!

Ruby’s Dad: It’s nothing dear… <moves aside> These are Ruby’s friends from the Great Valley.

<the gang smiles as politely as they can>

Ruby’s Mom: But why are they here? Where is she?

Ruby’s Dad: <sadly> He got her Florienne.

<Ruby’s Mom puts her hands over her mouth as tears begin to form in her eyelids. Cassius rushes forward to comfort her. She starts crying>

Littlefoot: But… <he hadn’t explained what happened on that rocky cliff yet. Ruby’s Dad must have assumed that Redclaw had eaten her, but it wasn’t true.  Littlefoot stopped himself from correcting him however because it didn’t change anything – their friend was still gone. Even though Ruby had only been with them a short time she had made a very big impression. Littlefoot had begun to feel she belonged with them. He remembered how long it had taken him to get over his mother’s passing – over a year. Now it seemed it would be the same for their friend>



<That night, Littlefoot tossed and turned from an assortment of horrible nightmares like he had never had before. He dreamt that Ruby was his mother and she was about to fall to her death. He was too small to help, and powerless to stop it she plunged until she was gone from his sight into the blackness below. He screamed, and woke with a start to find the land bathed in the blackness of night. It took him a few minutes to find his bearings and realize it wasn’t real. As his eyes adjusted to the waking world he saw the moon shining bright and full – tinting the surface of the lake and providing a good amount of visibility.

Littlefoot: <yawns and rises to his feet>

<Littlefoot wanders down to the lake and takes a drink, using his tongue to lap up gulps of water to wash down the images in his head. The water was dead calm, and the ripples travelled along its entire length>

Ruby’s Dad: It’s beautiful isn’t it?

<Littlefoot looks up, surprised to see he is not alone. Ruby’s father, recently revealed to be named Cassius, wasn’t looking at him but across the water to the other side of the lake>

Cassius: <continues> Sometimes I think we must have come from the water… at one time or another. We depend on it so much for everything, wouldn’t you agree?

Littlefoot: <gulps down a mouthful of water> Listen, I’m sorry about–

Cassius: <puts up his hand> Don’t be. Me and Florienne had prepared ourselves for this day… though we hoped that it would never come.

Littlefoot: What do you mean?

Cassius: <ignores him> You go by many names in the Mysterious Beyond Littlefoot, the sharpteeth here talk of you as a vessel – a beholder of a spirit far greater than any single one of us possesses. Such respect is rare, especially among our enemies.

Littlefoot: You can understand sharpteeth?

Cassius: <laughs politely> So many questions… <smiles> After all that has happened I’m surprised your not demanding answers from me. <sees Littlefoot’s saddened response> I see… you blame yourself for what happened.

Littlefoot: A bit, but I’m so confused now how I feel… I don’t know what to think anymore. <looks as his reflection in the water, depressed by how pathetic it looked. He was covered in dirt and sweat, and a swelling of hunger was rising in him as he had forgotten to eat. Sometimes he wondered why he existed at all – the world would continue to turn perfectly fine even without him>

Cassius: Ah… I could explain things for you then, if that’s what you want.

<Littlefoot turns to him and nods>

Cassius: You see… we fast runners don’t belong in any herd. Most know that we and the sharpteeth you call fast-biters are close cousins… the only difference is right here <points to his mouth>

Littlefoot: No teeth!

Cassius: … and because of this we don’t belong with the other sharpteeth. We eat meat like they do, but we can also eat green food. Whatever suits our appetite at the time. On the opposite side of things leaf eaters could never accept us because of the danger we present to their young.

Littlefoot: So your half sharpteeth… half leafeater? <Littlefoot was astonished, he never thought anything like that could exist>

Cassius: That’s correct. The sharpteeth may not accept us, but they do respect us.  In return, we don’t compete for territory and sometimes guide them on the lay of the land. <his tone gets darker> But, there are some out there who respect no one but themselves. Redclaw is one such being.

<Littlefoot listened closer… he could sense that this was important>

Cassius: In his earlier years he attempted to catch a fast runner to prove himself to a potential mate. Unfortunately, he caught up with me and Florienne just as Ruby had hatched. I was prepared to run myself to death to save her, which I almost did. In Redclaw’s arrogance he triggered a rockslide, killing his mate and giving himself that scar you know him for.

Littlefoot: Wow…what happened next?

Cassius: We went our separate ways of course, but he never stopped hunting us. Hunting her. Her cries remind him of what he lost that day, and until that cry is snuffed out his personal demons will never let him go… <a tear runs down his cheek, but he quickly hides it by wiping it away> … I hope it was painless for her, it’s the only thing I can wish for! <turns away so Littlefoot can’t see him crying>

Littlefoot: But Redclaw didn’t catch her.

Cassius: <surprised> He didn’t!?! But then how did she die?

Littlefoot: We were walking and then an earthshake… she fell into the river.

Cassius: <amazed> So you did not see her perish?

Littlefoot: Well… <thinks about it> … no I didn’t.

Cassius: Ruby may have been born on land but she lived in the water! <stands up defiantly> It would never kill her. She’s alive out there somewhere and we have to find her!

Littlefoot: <thinking> Can it really be true?


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Kepsla: <in alarm> Rozzy, come quick!

<Rozzy and Thor had been sitting on the river bank basking in the warm sun after a hearty meal. It was then that the sea turtle had popped up from under the water>

Thor: What’s eating you mate?

Kepsla: <wave them upriver> Hurry!

<Rozzy was annoyed as he fell in behind Thor. Now that the job was done he wanted nothing to do with the others – he had his own problems to deal with. Mainly, they had to do with his father. Ever since the encounter in the forest he had been enraged that Ozzy had betrayed him like that. Neglecting your offspring was one thing, but stealing from them from another. Rozzy had half a mind to kill him – but he wasn’t that angry yet>

Kepsla: This way! <he called out above the water>

<Rozzy and Thor hopped from rock to rock along the sides of the stream. They reached a place upriver where Kepsla had stopped and slid up on shore and they halted>

Thor: Well I’ll be…

<In front of them, laying on the rocks, was a small pink dinosaur of a type none of them had ever seen before>

Kepsla: … What is it?

Rozzy: I don’t know… <his tone trails off in thought>

<She was breathing heavily and was covered in bruises and cuts. She painfully turned over and they could see that tears of confusion and hurt streamed down her face>

Ruby: Help…me. <passes out>


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<Redclaw was disappointed. Not only had Blackray failed to make a kill, but she also came back a member of her pack short. They were the most feared killers in the entire Mysterious Beyond – apart from him of course – and the current situation made him so depressed he ought to just devour them all and work on his own again.  Thinking of Screech and Thudd, he noted how hard it was to find good help.  It was such a waste… but it couldn’t be helped. An injured sharptooth was nothing more then food for everyone else, and it was first come first serve. Now that he knew Blackray couldn’t deal with them, he would have to do things himself>


<End of Act II>

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Caustizer

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Note: Act III I've barely started... so its going to take around a week before I start posting them again to assure good continuity.


Pangaea

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I’ve come to realize that it’s virtually impossible for me to give short, encompassing reviews for each overall chapter without sounding monotonous: since I’ve started reviewing this story, I’ve found all chapters to be equally excellent. :smile

You’ll be happy to know that the only things I found wrong in this chapter were a couple of minor spelling errors:
Quote
I spent a dozen seasons of my life finding food to stuff down your miserable, squeeling mouth and this is how you repay me?
Should be “squealing.”
Quote
Ruby’s Mom: <alarmed> Oh Cassius your hurt!
Should be “you’re.” I would also suggest putting a comma immediately after “Cassius.”

Many thanks for posting the info on Kepsla. :) (He’s probably my favorite OC in the story, though I’m getting to like Syndra a lot too.) One thing you didn’t mention: how big is he?

Ozzy doesn't seem to have changed much (he treats Strut the same as ever :lol). I can see why Rozzy hates him; he’s one nasty parent. :(

I like the character development your OCs are showing: Rozzy voluntarily taking the smallest share of the loot, and Syndra demonstrating that she really does have a conscience by giving him part of her share.

I also love your portrayal of Ruby’s dad. It’s pretty much exactly what I expected his personality to be based on what we see of him in the TV series. I also like the names you gave Ruby’s parents (I had my own ideas for what their names might be, but I think the ones you chose are just as good :yes). May I ask where you came up with them? (and Syndra’s name, too, for that matter; I forgot to ask about it earlier :oops)

I await the next installment with profound anticipation. :D



Pronounced "pan-JEE-uh". Spelled with three A's. Represented by a Lystrosaurus.


Caustizer

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You know it is a bit strange how nobody else has reviewed this story besides you Pangea... so strange I've begun to think there's something wrong with my writing that drives people away. In a community that's so open and receptive when it comes to new works I can't figure out why mine has fallen in the cracks. Anyway, time for my reply.


Syndra's name comes from Cynder, who is the main villian/anti-hero in the newest Spyro the Dragon games. Its who I modeled her after roughly.  I'm liking how her character is developing as I make my way through Act III.

Cassius actually comes from the book that I keep my papers inside as I carry them around. Since this story is done on paper first, when I was writing it I opened the book and there was a story about a character named Cassius...

Florienne (Floor-EE-enn) Was originally Floria after flowers, but I wanted something a bit more complicated to pronounce.

Also, what names would you have given them? I wasn't entirely happy with my choices so i might like yours better  :lol



Pangaea

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In case I haven’t said this before, Ruby is one of my favorite LBT characters (I don’t have a single most favorite). But I always thought that her name was somewhat strange for such a significant member of the cast. In a group of friends with names like Littlefoot, Ducky, and Petrie, Ruby’s name sounded unusually...normal. :p She is obviously called that for her coloration (her red spots and crest), but I still couldn’t help but feel that her name sounded too human. Then I considered the fact that a ruby is a red gemstone, which gave me the idea that fast runners are named after precious or semiprecious minerals that correspond to their own colors. :idea Since Ruby was named after a red mineral, I reasoned that her father would be named for a blue one, her mother for a sort of pinkish-purplish one, and her younger siblings (who I believe are a sister and brother), for bluish or purplish ones. I came up with “Amethyst” for her mother (which I’m very happy with), while I thought that her dad could be named either “Sapphire” or “Topaz” (I suppose the first is a somewhat female-sounding name, but I thought it could work. *shrugs*). Ruby’s siblings were harder to find names for, but I really liked “Agate” for the sister, and if I went with “Sapphire” for Ruby’s father, I could use “Topaz for her brother. (Alternatively, I could do it the other way around, but I prefer the idea of Ruby’s parents having longer names than their children.)

I still think you should keep the names you came up with for Ruby’s parents. Somehow I find them very fitting. (Good choice going with “Florienne” instead of “Floria,” by the way. :yes)

As for the puzzling issue of why I’m the only one giving feedback on your fanfic, maybe not as many people are as interested in a story written in script format. Or perhaps they’re hesitant to read your fanfiction because they were put off by the first story you posted here (frankly, I myself disliked that one so much that I didn’t even read the whole thing). Still, I’m reluctant to believe that the members of the GoF (which, like you said, is a very open-mined forum) could be so dismissive. I think it’s just a matter of people not bothering to post reviews, for reasons I can’t imagine.

In any event, you shouldn’t interpret a lack of reviews as a sign that people are repelled by your writing. Last I checked, babidikrakenguard and I were the only ones reviewing Malte’s “The Cold Time” fanfic. (What was that you said a while ago about having a long way to go before this fanfic was as good as that one? :p) Still, I agree with you that this story could use more comments. Come on, people! At least let Caustizer know that you’re reading this fanfic! You don’t have to be nitpickers like me, :P: or go into the same amount of detail! Just review!



Pronounced "pan-JEE-uh". Spelled with three A's. Represented by a Lystrosaurus.


Caustizer

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The First act has been posted on Fanfic.net. As for my progress on the third act I've got the first part done and the second part is about halfway completed. The story will only go for a total of six parts more. I'm waiting until I got the first three done before posting so they line up well chronologically.

Remember that Petrie and Guido are still in the valley, the rest of the gang is at crater lake with Ruby's family and Rozzy, Thor etc. are still offtrack after finding Ruby on the riverside.  That's three loose ends to bring together, and numerous subplots.  Look to the weekend for parts of the story.


Caustizer

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Act III:

Prologue:

<Mid-sea the weather had never been worse. The world was changing and the oceans were far warmer then they had been for previous ages. At first the creatures of the sea had enjoyed the prosperity – warm water meant food was plentiful and the currents rode on faster then they ever had making it easier to move from place to place. As the days grew shorter and the rainy season returned the storms moved in making the sea a dangerous place to live. Today the storms were winding down as the cold time approached, but another stronger cell remained above the others. Like a giant atmospheric vacuum it stole the energy and heat of every dying storm it passed over and soon it was a deadly behemoth of the sky – harnessing the forces of water and wind to form a destructive force like no other. Then, as if through some perverse miracle, it began to spin as the first hurricane was born. The storm tide was rising>


Part I:

Setting: Morning lit up the Great Valley. The trees seemed to hum with the joy of the day’s first light and the early birds went after their worms or – in the case of many fliers here – the best tree-stars. This particular part of the valley wasn’t thick with woods or open plains but was a mixture of both. This made the area especially ideal for longnecks, which had lots of space to move about while they went about their breakfast.

<Grandma and Grandpa Longneck casually grazed on one of the trees. Other older longnecks were also around, taking their fill before the young ones woke up. By coincidence both Grandma and Grandpa go for the same bushel at once at once and touch noses>

Grandma: <laughs>

Grandpa: <looks away in embarrassment>

Guido: <yelling> Watch out! Ahhh!

<As if blown there by the wind, Guido suddenly rockets into the tree making a hard landing amongst the leaves. Clearly he has to work on his landings. The branches cushion him, but they also tangle up his wings>

Grandma: <concerned> Guido… are you alright?

Guido: Oh yeah I’m fine, just fine <laughs> But umm, you think you could help me out… please?

Grandma: <pushes aside the branches so Guido can get out>

Guido: <brushes himself off> I get so many sticks and pricklies in these wings it’s not funny… unless you like to laugh of course <nervously>…like me.

Grandpa: Is there anything else we can help you with?

Guido: <rubs the back of his neck> Yeah I was just wondering…you know… <he couldn’t believe he was asking this> … How do I get a girl to like me?

<Grandma and Grandpa look at each other in disbelief>

Grandma: <smiles and looks at Grandpa> I think you should answer this one.

Grandpa: Well I…ah…the most important thing to remember Guido is that they are more interested in themselves then they are in you <Grandma gives him a dirty look>…but that’s only at first! If you talk about her rather then about yourself, then she will always want to be around you.

Guido: <counts on his fingers> Talk about her… got it.

Grandma: <shoots a glance at Grandpa> Be considerate of her feelings… there will be times when she needs her space.

Grandpa: <snickers but disguises it as a sneeze>

Grandma: <Continues> … Show her you love her by giving her gifts, and taking your time for her.

Grandpa: But be strong and bold, a good mate will always look for confidence–

Grandma: <cuts in> –Demonstrate that you can be a good provider for her children.

Guido: <getting confused, he’s running out of fingers> Umm…okay.

Grandpa: <under his breath> Wake her up repeatedly in the middle of the night with your snoring…

Grandma: <sarcastically> Trick her into closing her eyes so you can sneak a kiss!

Grandpa: <angry> …and then get up early so you can eat the best tree stars before she does!

Grandma: <yells back> Insult her father on every occasion you can!

Grandpa: <stomps in rage> I never did that!

Grandma: Of course you did it was no wonder he never liked you!

Guido: <puts his hands over his face. This was horribly embarrassing>

Grandma: …and you–

Topsy: <interrupting> What’s all this racket…some of us are trying to sleep!

<He backs up in surprise as both longnecks shoot him venomous glares>

Grandpa: <calms down> Mr. Threehorn we were just discussing with Guido about how to be attractive to a mate.

Guido: <waves nervously as Topsy gives him a disgruntled glance. Evidently, he didn’t want to spread around the news he’d found a girlfriend>

Topsy: <snorts> Just be yourself… it’s not like you can be anything else…

<Satisfied he’d ended the conversation, Topsy turns and storms back to his sleeping area. Little does he know he just scored the only one-up on the longnecks he ever would. In the tree Guido marvelled at the simplicity of the thought. It made so much sense>

Guido: Bye Mr. and Mrs. Longneck! Thanks for the advice. <flies off to get as far away from them as possible>

Grandma: Anytime Guido.

<As the flier left both longnecks looked a bit ashamed at the argument they had caused. To avoid any further conversation they went back to eating – this time careful to avoid each other’s bushels>


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Setting: The family den of Ozzy and Shira, plus their recent offspring. Tunnels wound through the earth like the roots of a tree, ending in large chambers dug by their fore-fathers. Every section was like a separate work of art, the product of the different generations that had lived in this place. Inside, it was almost completely dark. A bit of night vision would reveal that it opened up to a small cavern with a decent sized entrance, leading upward and into the tunnel system.

<The world slowly slid into focus as Ruby opened her eyes. Still a little groggy after being asleep for so long she yawned and stretched her arms. A shot of molten pain coursed through her body and it was so intense she cried out. It hurt everywhere. Looking at her body, she noticed the damage that had been done for the first time. Cuts and bruises adorned her typically bright skin and a dull headache kept her aware that, despite her ordeal she was alive. If only she could remember what that ordeal was. Calming down, Ruby looked around to see where she was>

Ruby: <to herself> Where am I?

<The echo of her words faded off the walls. She tried to remember where she was or had been but failed.  It was like there was a giant void where previously existed. All she could remember was that she had fallen… from where she did not know. It was a weird feeling to have no memories of your past – it was like she had just hatched and every moment was etching itself into her brain as a record of her new beginning.  All of a sudden she heard voices coming through the entrance of the cavern at the other side of the darkness, but like everything else she didn’t recognize them>

Voice: <distant> Hurry mommy! She’s moving I heard her!

<there was a slight shuffling noise as multiple bodies made their way through the tunnels, and soon they emerged through the small opening that was Ruby’s only link to the outside world>

Shira: Well… you’re finally awake, that’s good to see.

<Shira sounded homely, as if she was used to dealing with injuries. Being that she raised almost a dozen children on her own, this was to be expected>

Ruby: <slowly gets up> Hello… I’m sorry I don’t remember who you are, or why I am here, or anything. <frowns and rubs her head as if it might help>

Shira: It will come back to you eventually. <motions to the egg-stealer next to her, and he drops the mouthful of green food he had been carrying. He then turns and skitters back up the hole> … Riding the river like you did is very, very dangerous. I suspect you didn’t plan on your little trip, am I right? Tell me what you can remember.

Ruby: <sincerely> I want to tell you the truth, but I truly don’t remember what I know…

Shira: <smiles> Do you remember your name?

Ruby: Of course I do! It’s…umm… <normally it would come automatically, but she had to think deeply just to come up with something so simple> … Ruby, I think.

Shira: Well Ruby, welcome to the Dawn Valley. When you can walk I’ll have one of my own show you around. Until then however, get some rest young one. <and she departs after her son up the caves>

Ruby: <to herself> The Dawn Valley… <it doesn’t ring a bell, but it brings back a feeling… a feeling that suddenly explodes into a memory>… the Great Valley! <she was on the edge of remembering, but it wasn’t enough.  It would be a while before she would know what it meant>


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Setting: The jungle of the Dawn Valley. Today was sunny and bright and the trees above swayed gently in the wind. Occasionally beams of sunshine came in through the canopies but it was mostly a shadowed place where only the smallest brush could grow. A small opening jutted out into the rough ground, just barely visible even to someone who knew where to look. This was Thor’s hole and the place where him and Rozzy usually met to start their day.

<Rozzy stalked up to the hole, so as to not reveal it to anyone who was watching, and called in like he usually did>

Rozzy: Thor are you there? We need to talk.

<after a moment of shuffling within, Thor emerges>

Thor: <looking back into the hole> Oh… what you need mate?

Rozzy: I’ve got another plan… another chance to feast.

Thor: <distracted> That’s alright! Say, how’s that little one doing that we crossed?

Rozzy: <bitterly> Fine I suppose… just another reason for my mother to ignore me for someone else.

Thor: Glad she’s safe and sound though… poor thing looked like she needed our help.

Rozzy: But all that is beside the point Thor… If we are going to catch this opportunity we have to act now.

Thor: <regrettably> Sorry mate, I can’t go with you on this one.

Rozzy: …Why not?

Thor: <looks back into his hole again, concerned this time> … I got responsibilities now that I can’t just up and walk away from.

Rozzy: <angrily> What responsibilities?

Thor: <doesn’t like to say it but he has too> Well… my love has laid her eggs and I wanna be about when the little ones hatch… to be a good dad.

Rozzy: <sneered bitterly. He hated interruptions to his plans and this came from left field. Without Thor helping him things were certainly not going to work out>

<Thor’s mate suddenly forced her way out of the hole and her eyes fell on Rozzy, and she glared at him>

Thor’s Mate: <turns to her lover> There’s someone else here! This is our nesting place… chase him away! <hisses>

Rozzy: <returns her glare, directed at his friend instead>. Don’t bother, I’ll go. <turns to leave>

Thor: <sincerely> Sorry mate…

<Rozzy left at his own pace to retain some of his dignity. It hurt that his best friend was forced to turn on him now that he had kids, but in the grand scheme of things it mattered little. He would just have to do things on his own from now on>



<Without anything to do for the first time in a while Rozzy simply wandered around aimlessly. Eventually he found himself at the river mouth. He watched as the sea turtles left to go back out to sea to carry on their life cycle – In another few seasons they would return. After a while he saw the turtle he was hoping to see>

Kepsla: <swimming up> Oh hi Rozzy, have a good cold time!

Rozzy: Why?

Kepsla: I’m going back out to the big water with mommy and daddy… I hope I see you again when I come back. It was a lot of fun we had.

Rozzy: <grumbles and turns away> Have a good trip…

Kepsla: See ya later!

<With a splash Kepsla descended into the water and departed with the rest of his family including the newborns, who made the trip from the beach into the sea. They greeted their older brother with joy and excitement as he led them on after their parents.  As he watched them leave Rozzy wondered what it was like to have a family who wanted you, who needed you. Regardless, it was something he would never have. With nothing else to do and nowhere to go he dragged himself back through the forest, back to his family den>


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Pangaea

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I already reviewed the first section of this chapter, ;) so my review here will have somewhat less substance than usual.

So Ruby has amnesia...kind of ironic (or maybe appropriate?), given her song “Remembering” from the TV episode “The Star Day Celebration.” Hopefully she remembers her friends soon...

Poor Rozzy: Thor has family duties, Kepsla’s leaving, :cry Syndra’s apparently already gone, and his family ignores him. Hopefully Ruby’ll be nice to him.

One thing that confuses me, though; isn’t Thor kind of young to have a mate and eggs? (Or do egg stealers start families early?) You said before that he was 14 years old and 1’ 5” tall. (I know you said he was also a runt.) I don’t know how that compares to the other characters, though; how big is Ozzy in your story? I’m not suggesting you change the story; just wondering if some changes to Thor’s character profile might be in order.

At any rate, here are my suggested edits for this section:
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It was like there was a giant void where previously existed.
Something’s missing from that sentence. :huh: (I’m not quite sure what you were trying to say, so I have no suggested corrections.)
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This was Thor’s hole and the place where him and Rozzy usually met to start their day.
Should be “he”.
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It hurt that his best friend was forced to turn on him now that he had kids,
Just a suggestion: maybe “turn his back on him” would be more appropriate.

One more thing (this relates to your prologue): for the record, warmer seas are actually poorer in nutrients than temperate ones, and consequently contain less food for marine life. But, then, this is an LBT story, and since when has LBT’s sense of marine science been accurate? :p (I can delete this part of the post if it annoys you.)

And to everyone else reading this story: just because I'm leaving voluminous and exhaustive reviews doesn't mean you can't comment on it, too! ;)



Pronounced "pan-JEE-uh". Spelled with three A's. Represented by a Lystrosaurus.


Caustizer

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Thor is 14 in human years, which in our views would make him a teenager but in egg-stealer years he is an adult. It's a similar concept to dog years. Rozzy is 8 which would make him a child, but in egg-stealer years he would be considered a teenager. Also, Ozzy is quite a bit bigger and stronger then Rozzy (in all honesty your dad could probably beat you up too if he wanted to)  :p


Pangaea

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So the dinosaurs in your story age faster than humans...that's helpful to know. Still considerably slower than real dinosaurs, though. :p (If the LBT characters grew realistically, Ducky would be nine feet long by the time she was a year old, and at age ten, Littlefoot would be almost as big as Bron.)

What I'm curious about is the relative sizes of the characters in your story, in feet and inches. You said that Rozzy was 1' 4" tall (one inch shorter than Thor and two inches shorter than Syndra). By comparison, how tall are Ozzy, Strut, and the other adult egg stealers? (Real Struthiomimus was between 11 and 13 feet long, though we all know that neither you nor LBT is obligated to portray dinosaurs at their realistic sizes. :p)



Pronounced "pan-JEE-uh". Spelled with three A's. Represented by a Lystrosaurus.