The Reflection in the River

[StardustSoldier]

(Decided I was no longer comfortable sharing this publicly, but you are welcome to PM me if you would still like to read it.)

[StardustSoldier]

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[StardustSoldier]

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[StardustSoldier]

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[StardustSoldier]

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[StardustSoldier]

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[rhombus]

Now this is certainly a lovely story. (: The concept of having Cera's sisters survive the journey is one that is quite unexplored in the world of LBT fanfic.  The same can be said about the resulting conflicts and misunderstandings that could result from this plot development.  In the canon events it could be assumed that her sisters perished along the way and that Topps reluctantly accepted Cera's friendship with her friends due in part to the lack of companionship from her departed sisters.  But with her siblings still in the picture Cera would understandably feel conflicted with maintaining her friendships while trying to keep up appearances and enjoying time with her sisters.  The six-chapter arc works incredibly well in exploring this possible timeline while keeping the pacing at a brisk trot.  As such you should certainly be proud of this story. 

The only constructive criticism that I can offer here is a tentative one, as really it is just a matter of style.  There are some passages that could perhaps use a bit more description in order to set the scene, such as clearly describing the appearance of the sisters.  But that being said there is something to be said for avoiding excessive description and keeping the chapters brief and clear, as you have done here.

So, once again, thank you for sharing this story with us. I quite enjoyed it.    I look forward to seeing your upcoming December prompt. 

[OwlsCantRead]

First of all, welcome to the wonderful world of LBT fanfic!

To start with, this is a twist on an idea that has been explored a fair bit in fiction: an elaboration of the aftermath and ramifications of the Gang's friendship with one another after their journey to the valley. But of course, as Rhombus has said, I don't think I've ever read one where Cera' sisters (who rarely get screentime in fics as it is) survive the journey to the valley and she isn't left an only child. This of course, leads to a conflict of interest, given how Topps has raised Cera, and in turn, her three siblings as well. In a way, the three threehorn (was that deliberate) sisters were the focus of the story, and they all felt distinct in their own way despite their brief appearances in such a short tale.  Shanda seemed the most level-headed, Nova the meekest, and Pyra the most emotional.

The only thing that felt dangling about this story was that Shanda's story felt like it was left hanging considering that she was the first of Cera's siblings to find out. The story abruptly shifts from her to Pyra after the rest of them discover the truth, and we never got closure of the aftermath of her role in being unintentionally responsible for Cera's attack on Pyra. The latter half after Cera is busted seemed a little rushed compared to the first three chapters, but it's not a deal-breaker for me. The pacing is sweet enough as a standalone fic if it wasn't split into six distinct chapters which made the breaks more apparent.

I do like the subtle shift in Pyra's behavior as Petrie reveals why Cera befriended her friends, and reaching out to Ducky does end it off on an optimistic note that perhaps all will end well. In many ways, the exploration of this idea was the favorite part of this story: I really like how much potential it yields and the fact that it is not just a minuscule change but in fact comparable to a butterfly effect with many key differences comparable to an AU. Overall, I did enjoy reading this read. It was not something I'd expected, that's for sure!

[Anagnos]

I am likewise ecstatic to see another person try their hand in LBT fanfiction. There never can be too many of us!

I quite liked the premise of this story from the get-go as I don’t believe this sort of a story has ever been done before, so congratulations for being the first one to tackle this rather fascinating idea. It was incredibly interesting to see how exactly Cera’s siblings would have added into the story had they survived the encounter, and I say this as we really do not know the extent of their fate, and that is something the producers could have fulfilled in more ways than one. Even just a brief mention of them would have sufficed to satisfy the more lore-based fans of the series, including myself.

When the implications of Cera’s secret is brought to light it presented a rather clear outlook in her sister’s inner feelings on the entire matter. Like many could already surmise, this sentiment was likely produced by Topps and probably even Cera’s unnamed mother. This sentiment was not only passed down to Cera as we clearly saw in the original film, but potentially the rest of their children as well, and I believe you managed to sell that idea perfectly. I am generally always happy to learn more about the characters themselves and their past, so naturally I was intrigued by this story when initially released. Albeit it took me a while to read as I’ve had certain distractions in my life that I shall not reveal here, for obvious reasons.

However, there were still certain issues I found with the story. I quite agree with Rhombus on the fact that there could have been more descriptive terms used in the narrative. Now do not mistake me, character descriptions are just one part of this, and I must confess that I believe having them is essential for the reader to fully envisage the characters and their personality. Moreover, I believe it would have been a better idea had you not separated the story in six parts, as the overall story was rather short. Therefore, it would have worked perfectly as a one-shot, but I understand your reason behind this decision as different authors create stories in an entirely different manner, and no one should be judged for that.

Overall, this was a rather nice first LBT story from you and I quite like your storytelling. I am definitely going to look forward to your future stories if they are anything like this one! Splendid job, StardustSoldier!

[Sovereign]

I’d like to welcome you to LBT fics as well. It’s not often we get more writers on GoF so it’s amazing to see you post a story as well. Anyway, these first chapters were rather intriguing with a solid premise that certainly hasn’t been portrayed in any earlier story. You already created a rather good picture of the threehorn siblings’ personalities which made this story more easily accessible and raised the reader’s interest rather substantially. There were a few issues but I’ll write about those later.

The overall feeling of these installments was very LBT-like and it wasn’t that difficult to imagine the threehorn’s being a real part of the Great Valley. Ptyra’s character in particular stood out in these chapters and the conversation between her and the Gang members were rather interesting. Overall, the quality of writing and scene-building here was rather good considering that this was your first fic posted on GoF. The characters and the atmosphere were easily the best point in this story.

Now, there were also issues as I already mentioned. I agree with Anagnos that the chapters were too short as sub-1k chapters seldom generate any real immersion to what’s happening. The second one was that while the premise was rather original, the themes really weren’t. Of course the threehorn’s racism has to be handled somehow in a story like this but reading those scenes didn’t really feel that fresh.

Despite that, this fic has good potential but I would have liked to get some hints about where we’re going from here. You’ve kept your cards hidden thus far which is not necessarily a bad thing as it leaves more open questions for the reader. This fic has potential to become a really good one and it’ll be interesting to see what you have in store for this story.

[StardustSoldier]

Thank you everyone for the feedback and for the warm welcomes to the fanfic community. I do look forward to contributing more stories in the near and distant future.

I am aware that Cera's sisters are usually presumed to have perished, but I always found myself wondering, "Well, what if they did live?" I was always intrigued by their mysterious disappearance after the first film, and the lack of true clarity regarding their fate is precisely what made me want to know more about them.

I had earlier mentioned to Owls that he inadvertently helped inspire this story. It was from a conversation him and I had about a couple months ago where the topic of Cera's sisters came up. They were already characters I wished we could've known more about, and so I probably would've written them into one of my stories eventually. Still, it was shortly after that conversation when the ideas for this particular story formed in my head and I began writing it.

More specifically, I'd wondered what the sisters' personalities might've been like, whether or not they were similar to Cera, and Owls said he thought they were probably all rambunctious threehorns. That gave me the idea to characterize the sisters as being energetic and hot-headed. Basically, what Cera herself was like before her character development throughout the first film. It then led to me writing the story around the idea that Cera is forced to confront what she used to be like.

Regarding the chapter breaks, it's always been my personal preference to divide my stories into chapters, even for smaller stories, and I often do prefer shorter chapters in general. Although I will acknowledge that a few of my chapters here may have been a bit too short, as well as what Owls said in that the second half felt a bit rushed. In the future, I will aim to make my chapters at least 1k each.

The only thing that felt dangling about this story was that Shanda's story felt like it was left hanging considering that she was the first of Cera's siblings to find out. The story abruptly shifts from her to Pyra after the rest of them discover the truth, and we never got closure of the aftermath of her role in being unintentionally responsible for Cera's attack on Pyra.

Shanda wasn't actually responsible for that, as it was a coincidence when Nova and Pyra later showed up in the grove to discover the secret for themselves. Although come to think of it, Shanda probably should have been at some level responsible for setting that into motion, even if she chose to keep it a secret initially. I think narratively that would have made more sense. Likewise, you're right, it would've been nice to see how Shanda had felt about things after the fight. Perhaps I may expand on that sometime in a "v2" rewrite of the story.

the three threehorn (was that deliberate)

Nah, that wasn't deliberate, at least not on my end. The reason I picked three sisters for this story is just because that's how many of them we saw in the opening scenes of LBT 1.

@Anagnos @rhombus: I would like to ask for clarification on what you mean regarding how you would've liked more description in the narrative. You mentioned describing the characters better, which I would like to improve on, but is there anything else you felt could've been better fleshed out?

Lastly, for anyone who might be wondering, this hasn't yet been uploaded to Fanfiction.net, but I plan to do so eventually.

[rhombus]

@Anagnos @rhombus: I would like to ask for clarification on what you mean regarding how you would've liked more description in the narrative. You mentioned describing the characters better, which I would like to improve on, but is there anything else you felt could've been better fleshed out?

The main thing that I would suggest is to sometimes, instead of introducing a character by name first, begin by describing the mannerisms of the character first before introducing the name. For example, consider this passage in The Pursuit of Endless Day:

The flyer groaned as the warm moist air of the swamp settled into his nostrils, blanketing his beak and body under their opaque haze.  Like a cloud overtaking the Bright Circle in their wake only obfuscation remained.  But as the expansive void of the evening gave way to the faintest light of the dawn, their appearance only served to delay what on any other day would be a welcome sight: the coming of the Bright Circle.

The flyer’s breathing became heavier, more labored under the shapeless forms that obstructed the air.  With each inhalation of breath the sound of gasping became more and more pronounced.  Until finally something spasmed deep in the elder flyer’s chest.

Knacker rose as if kicked by an unseen attacker as his beak opened wide in a silent scream.  To any outside observer it would have appeared that the elderly flyer were imitating a hatchling begging his mother for food, a flyer’s first tentative steps into the race of life.  But as his chest heaved twice in silent agony, the truth showed itself as if mocking the cycle of life itself.  For this was not a hatchling entering life, this was an elder preparing to leave it.

This can help set the scene and the mood before the narrative can shift into a less descriptive and more dialogue-driven mode. But like I said previously, this is mainly a stylistic preference on my part.  The story was still great as it was, and some people prefer stories that are less description-driven.

[StardustSoldier]

^I understand what you're saying, and in fact I agree. That is something I will add to future stories of mine. Thank you for elaborating.

[Anagnos]

I would like to ask for clarification on what you mean regarding how you would've liked more description in the narrative. You mentioned describing the characters better, which I would like to improve on, but is there anything else you felt could've been better fleshed out?

I would like to offer my view on this matter. Character description, like I said, is essential, in my opinion. Now Rhombus has a rather detailed version compared to mine, which you can see right here:

She was a rather small-bodied flyer with pale skin and enigmatic black eyes that suggested she was capable of anything, the hardness in her eyes certainly hinted at that possibility.

The speaker was Charger, whom was a disciplined threehorn in charge of the valley’s protection. He was solidly-built with tan skin and matching yellowish-brown eyes.

It was an oldish greenish colored flyer—Marmo—who blurted the question. He didn’t know the flyer on a personal level, but if the rumors about him were true, he was a cunning tactician and a fiercely protective individual who had lead dozens of conflicts in the past and wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice himself to save someone’s life in peril.

This is my way to introduce a new character in stories. It certainly can sound pretty basic, but to me it is more than enough as I don't need overly detailed version right at the start. Not to say that you couldn't explore more of the unknown matters later on. In fact, that's what I personally like to see.

[OwlsCantRead]

Alright, my two cents: I think at least some basic character descriptions is necessary to help a reader visualize how a character looks like.

Personally, I do find that many a times I introduce a character through appearances or mannerisms first rather than names, especially if said character is an OC and not in the original source. Even if names are mentioned first some key trait will be established right after to distinguish between characters rather than have them be a one-off mention.

[StardustSoldier]

I am pleased to announce that this story is now available on FanFiction.net!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13540465/1/The-Reflection-in-the-River