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Author Topic: Of Loss and Discovery  (Read 982 times)

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Ducky123

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Re: Of Loss and Discovery
« Reply #20 on: August 02, 2020, 11:37:38 AM »
First of all, I would like to thank you for your review, Anagnos. To hear that the emotional impact was handled appropriately makes me really happy.

Now, about paragraphs. What I read online is: a paragraph should change when a thought is finished but I didn't read anything about not exceeding a certain length. Is there any advice on the web that says to apply a certain limit to ones paragraphs? If so, I'd like to read it myself. Considering I am also working on a guide for beginners right now, this would be a welcome addition to the list of sources I already gathered :)

While I may have ignored previous advice, I'm still waiting for someone to point out some examples as I elaborated in my responses to previous reviews. I'm not asking to be spoonfed but without someone pointing out a few examples where my paragraphs (or anything else I didn't do well from a technical aspect of writing) are lacking, I don't think I can learn a lot from your critique. In a sense, I don't know what I did wrong exactly, only that something (paragraphs in this case) are lacking in quality and can be improved. If you tell me how to improve them with a little more than just a vague number to refer to, I'm sure I can fix this recurring issue in my writing.  :yes

Either way, I'm going to do some more research on writing paragraphs specifically and maybe wait for a second opinion before editing the chapter to improve flow.


On an somewhat related note, I do tend to write long sentences. That might increase the length of paragraphs, making them feel long even if the limit you mentioned might still apply.

On another somewhat related note, I often find myself thinking about where to make the cut, not only concerning paragraphs but sentences as well. Making them too long makes them confusing to read but making them short reduces flow. In case of doubt, I prefer the longer sentences when explaining things. When a sentence can be linked, I usually link them with a comma or semicolon as opposed to starting a new sentence. I can continue to rely on my own judgement but if someone were to break apart a few paragraphs and point out in what ways they're lacking, I'll appreciate it  :exactly

mostly inactive due to exam preparation. Includes my creative work in particular which is entirely on hiatus. Hit me on discord if you need something, I'm more active there :)

Ducky123

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Re: Of Loss and Discovery
« Reply #21 on: August 10, 2020, 02:27:57 PM »
Before you read, be advised that the warning from chapter 5 still applies here

Bring some time too, it has 15k words  :lol


Chapter 6 - Greenie's grief, Raver's mistake
Chapter 6 - Greenie's grief, Raver's mistake


And here's my author's note but read it only after you've read the chapter ^^

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In this chapter, we learn about Greenie's grief and her relationship with Raver. Knowing the depths of her depression, Nishir and Takari manage to save the younger girl from her grief and teach her what's truly important in life with the help of their new little brother Raver.

Nishir also has to realize how to act like a big brother towards Raver and aid him in his task to apologize after the terrible argument.

You may wonder why this arc is even relevant. I think Owls put it quite nicely in a recent review: It shows their growth; it shows that they've learnt to cope and enjoy life again. It also shows that their story might help others that are in the same situation. Maybe it'll help the odd person reading this too? While not my intention of the story, that'd obviously be cool  :)littlefoot

Besides, while I didn't want to flesh out all four siblings, not doing so at all felt a little poor so I decided to give at least one of them (Raver) and little side story that's related to what Nishir and Takari are telling them about their past experiences.

This whole Greenie arc, as a matter of fact, kind of wasn't planned in the first draft of the story but I'm so so glad that I came up with the idea and decided to give the four siblings distinct character traits. Writing this kept me busy an entire weekend but it was so worth it!  :)littlefoot

I'm not sure if everyone will come to like such a sudden *filler* but this is arguably the best point in time both from a perspective of overall mood and chronological order to insert this little side story. Greenie will definitely appear again so it's not like some tv-episodes of LBT with stupid flat characters that'll never appear again anyway (rhett, anyone?  :rhett_smile)

Was Greenie's characterization believable by the way? After this chapter, there's actually some context for the things you already saw in chapter 5. Her initial reaction to the loss was to isolate herself which many people tend to do when they're faced with crippling depression in spite of this being an illogical reaction. This led to crippling loneliness. When she was found, she had already begun to get lost in endless daydreams that got so intense that she lost connection with the real world around her despite the fact that she could still interact with it if she chooses to. By the time her only friend Raver found her, she had already gotten used to being with her mother in her daydream which explains her reaction when they reunite.

What did you think about Raver in this chapter? He was being an idiot for some time but he also had a chance to redeem himself.

The last scene took a lot of time as I had to be extremely careful to ensure that the emotions are displayed properly. What do you think about it? What do you think about Greenie and Raver? Was their interaction believable? Was Greenie's sudden switch from indifference to showing extreme emotion understandable? I spent a lot of time pondering how to portrait her grief...

Since I've had people complain about this in the past, I think I should also explain the use of potty humor. The Land Before Time (rightfully) chose to omit a few details of their daily lives, however I'm all in favor of realism and, in this case, unlike in chapter 2 when it was pure comic relief, Greenie's situation prompted me to think her desperate situation to the very end. She had forgotten that she still had some things she occasionally... needed to do in the real world. Like eat, drink and poo  :longneckBRUH The elder meant well but made it worse lol (from a medical point of view, he did the right thing though)

I edited this chapter at least three times by the way to ensure that paragraphs are used properly and shortened some lengthy sentences too. Added some smaller stuff here and there and went over the more delicate dialogues a few times. Probably took another 10 hours or so, considering its length  :lol

Chapter 7 will also be set in the present time (we're going back to the mood of chapter 1 & 2, introducing an important character growth arc for Nishir) but after that the tale of Nishir and Takari finally continues, I swear  :PCera

Did anyone ever dare to stretch a cliffhanger over 3 chapters?  :bolt
 
mostly inactive due to exam preparation. Includes my creative work in particular which is entirely on hiatus. Hit me on discord if you need something, I'm more active there :)