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UnionRags123

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Who Mentioned Eggs to Mr. Threehorn?
« on: February 12, 2020, 06:55:55 PM »
Author's Notes:
1. Charger is some random threehorn I made up. Other authors have also written about threehorns named Charger, but this one is a different Charger. I just want to make it clear that I am not claiming someone else's OC as my own.

2. I do not own the Land Before Time, its characters, locations, etc. I only own my OC.

3. I didn't plan the plot for this story beforehand. I just started writing after I had a thought about the first line. I was originally going to write this as a Lion King fanfiction with Simba and Kovu, but I decided to write it as a LBT fanfic because for a long time, LBT fanfics were the only fanfics I was interested in.

4. THIS IS MY FIRST EVER COMPLETED FANFIC. I know it's not anywhere near perfect, but I just wanted to write it and publish it in the hopes that other people could get amusement from it.

5. Rated 'T' on fanfiction.net because I don't know what "Eggs" would be rated as. Don't worry, nothing explicit happens in this story.

"Charger! When I catch you, you're a dead threehorn!"

Oh no. That was Mr. Threehorn, and he sounds pissed. I see him now, and I've never seen him in such a fury. What could poor Charger possibly have done to get my husband in such a rage? He's such a sweet threehorn, the perfect match for my little girl. Wait. That must be it! My baby girl! Cera! Speaking of Cera, here she comes now.

"Tria! Help!"

Cera's calling for my help? That can't be good!

I need to find out what happened. Preferably before any blood gets spilled. So, I ask my baby girl – she's an adult now, but she'll always be my baby girl – for an explanation.

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"Daddy's out for Charger's blood!"

"Cera, what happened?"
Now my daughter looks embarrassed and slightly ashamed. This is not good.

"You know how Charger and I got married last month? Well, somebody told Daddy that...he's going to be a grandfather."

Wait what? My daughter is pregnant? SHE'S PREGNANT? How long has she been pregnant for?

"Tria we have to save Charger. Daddy's on a rampage and I can't let him hurt Charger!"

She's right. I know she loves the boy, and he loves her. They're a match made in heaven. Although I hope that they have a long way to go before either of them make the journe-

"We have to go now!"

"Alright. Let's go."
An idea enters my mind. Cera and I will need all the help we can get to keep Charger safe.

"Maybe we can get help from your friends."

As Cera and I run to where she last saw Charger, we hear a bellow from Topps followed by shouts from the Gang.

"BELLOW"

"The eggs are in danger! In Danger they are!"

"Ooh this be bad, me no look!"

"We can not let Mr. Threehorn trample the eggs, oh no no no!"

"Hurry everybody, everybody hurry! Ducky, you help me carry the eggs. Chomper, you and Spike go distract Mr. Threehorn. Littlefoot, you guard the clearing. And Petrie, you keep a lookout from the sky. The quicker we move the eggs, the quicker we can save them."

They're talking about eggs! Has my baby girl already laid the eggs?

As Cera and I approach the clearing, we hear Littlefoot call out, "Quick! Scatter!" followed by the Gang panicking and bolting out of the clearing. I see Charger bolt into the clearing with Topps on his tail. Thank the ancestors that they both manage to stop without harming the nest. The nest that I can only assume is my daughter's.

"CHARGER! YOU...ARE...SO...DEAD...!"

"Please don't hurt me, Mr. Threehorn!"
"Boy, when I'm through with you, you'll wish you'd ne-"

Did Topsy just threaten the boy?

"Topsy! Stop this madness! Leave Charger alone. The poor boy hasn't done anything wrong."

"Tria! Did you see what he's gone and done?"

"Topsy. You knew that it was a matter of time before this happened. Can't you see that they're happy with the eggs? And more importantly, can't you see that they love each other?"

"Tria. You've seen the eggs by now."
I get ready to respond, but my other baby – Tricia – beats me to it.

"But Daddy, Cera hasn't even laid her eggs yet. She's not supposed to lay them for another couple months..."

"Uh, so whose eggs are these then?"

We all turn to the asker of that question. Littlefoot. The only one of Cera's friends to not bolt at the sight of a rampaging threehorn. It makes sense that he would be the one to stay. As a full-grown longneck, he could easily hold his own if Mr. Threehorn turned on him. And he and Cera have always been close, despite their...differences.

"Hey! Get away from my nest! Are you trying to hurt my babies?"

"Oh sorry, Mrs. Maia! We uh, mistook these eggs for someone else's. We meant them no harm!"

"Well Littlefoot, this is my nest. Now go away."

Littlefoot looks visibly uncomfortable by now. He starts to leave. Tricia seems to think that leaving is a good idea too. I agree, so I decide to see if the rest of my family is ready to leave too.

"Oh Topsy, shall we leave Mrs. Maia to tend to her nest?" I ask in the sweetest voice I can muster.

In response, Topps just gives his signature "Hmph!" and turns around and leaves the clearing.

"I'm so happy you're safe!"

"And I'm so thankful that you're also safe, Cera."

"I wasn't the one he was rampaging after."

I see Mrs. Maia giving the young couple a glare. I decide to intervene before she gets any ideas. Cera and Charger have had enough drama for today. Topps should never have gone off at Charger like that.

"He shouldn't have rampaged after either of you. Charger, I'm so sorry that you saw that side of Topsy. Anyways, we should probably leave this clearing before we get chased again."

My daughter interrupts me.
"Thank you Tria, but you shouldn't blame yourself for this. Daddy chose to do this. I know you well enough to know that things like this aren't your way of dealing with things."

As we leave the clearing, I decide to try to lighten the mood.

"So, when should I expect my grandkids?"
"Mom!"
Wow. She called me mom. Oh, that makes me so happy!

"Hmm, does this mean that you're finally willing to accept me as your mother?"

I can sense the hesitation coming from Cera. She's never been one to enjoy these "sappy" moments. She gets that from her father. He was raised to be a "true threehorn." One that does not show soft emotions, as soft emotions show weakness. And that's how he raised Cera. They are so much alike. But they are also different. Thanks to her bonding with the Gang, Cera is able to open up at times. Bottling in emotions has never been good for her. Now she seems ready to answer my question. I will give her my undivided attention. This is an answer we've both known was coming for years. And now it's here.

"Yes, after everything we've been through...I am ready to accept you as my mother. I love you, Tria. I am proud to have you as my mom."

"Awe, that's so sweet!"

"Shut up, Charger! Don't make me ram you!"

I forgot Charger was still standing there. And I forgot about the mood swings that come with pregnancy. At least I know that Cera has others who love her and who will stand by her side.

Now, all we have to do is wait for the eggs.

"If only it would be that easy. Knowing how things happen in this valley, it won't be easy."

Oh dear. I said that out loud, didn't I?

Since when has waiting for eggs to be laid been so hard?

Everyone in the Great Valley learned something new that day. Do not mention 'Eggs' to Mr. Threehorn.

More Author's Notes:

This is told from Tria's perspective.

Thank you to the following people for at some point or another encouraging me to write a fanfic (names listed in alphabetical order:

Anagnos, Ducky123, Mumbling, OwlsCantRead, Rhombus, Sovereign, StardustSoldier, and anyone else I've forgotten- sorry if I forgot you!

Oh and if it's eligible this is an entry for the Feb 2020 Fanfic Prompt (Eggs)


Yup. There it is. My first completed fanfic  :lol Here's a link to the story on fanfiction.net
Here's a link to the story on fanfiction.net
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Major kudos to anyone who figures out what that means :)

I will find ways to make sure “lol dino” is in all of my posts :lol

Sovereign

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Re: Who Mentioned Eggs to Mr. Threehorn?
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2020, 04:41:50 PM »
As I already said on Discord, it’s really nice to see you make a story of your own as well. This fic, while short, has a pretty fun premise and the level of writing itself is fine for a first story. It’s rather clear that Topps is going to have a hard time coming to terms with becoming a grandfather and that’s a pretty good idea to explore in a story. Tria’s perspective was also a good touch and not something many try in their first fic.

And indeed, this tale moves right into the action which was a good choice. Obviously Tria wants to contain her mate’s rage which is both unreasonable but also quite outrageous. The plot moves into a really humorous territory with the confusion about the eggs and that was a rather nice idea that made this fic flow much more smoothly. Also, Cera’s words to Tria were quite nice and it’s good to see them growing closer as a family when this joyful occasion slowly approaches.

As for the issues, I still don’t see husband and wife as a part of LBT vocabulary. More important issue is the fact that I really wouldn’t see Topps resort to this kind reaction towards his grandchildren’s father even if his reaction could be hard to foresee. Even more, the scene he made died out pretty quickly which was a bit surprising. Those things made the plot feel a bit weird but that isn’t too dangerous.

Indeed, your writing itself seems rather solid and this story had good ideas and fun scenes to it. While the plot could have been structured better to make it more natural, you still did a pretty good job with this fun if short fic. I hope this won’t remain as your only story as I’m sure you could make seriously great fics in time! :chompysmile



OwlsCantRead

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Re: Who Mentioned Eggs to Mr. Threehorn?
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2020, 05:15:50 PM »
Gah, I knew that the egg troll prompts were coming. Anyway, the first person POV was done reasonably well from Tria's POV, and it really sells the concern and tender care between her and Cera. Everyone's generally in character too, based on their speech.

The twist of the eggs being from Ms. Maia's nest was quite unexpected to me. The only thing that confused me was the placement of the eggs themselves. At first I thought that the gang managed to skedaddle away with them as they were in the midst of doing so, and only when re-reading that I realize that Topps barging in and forced them to split apart prevented that, which explained why Maia was relatively calm. The thwarting of their plan could have been better elaborated, because I was imagining the gang had taken everyone and left an empty nest at that point. :p But other than that, I really liked that moment, as it completely allowed the truth to come out in a way where Topps doesn't impale Charger and for the story to segway into a bonding moment.

Overall, this had the right mix of ridiculousness and fluff for its length and scope. I agree with Sovereign, you do have potential!
Would it be possible for swimmers and flyers to get more love around here? Both figuratively… and literally.




Anagnos

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Re: Who Mentioned Eggs to Mr. Threehorn?
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2020, 08:27:18 AM »
Well, let me just start by saying that I’m glad to see more people become interested in this year’s prompts enough to take part in them, and as for this being your very first story, I think it was rather decent, but with certain issues that I couldn’t help but take notice of.

First of all, I was very much confused as to whose POV we were seeing, and to me it seemed to jump from character to character at first, which made it very difficult to follow the story. But once rigidity was removed as we progressed further in the story, it started to become more clear that Tria was the main character here. For the future, I’d recommend you stick to one character per scene if you wish to do a first person story, as jumping from perspective to perspective really only works well in third person view.

I must second that it was indeed a good idea to immediately bring us into the action sequence instead of spending far too much time on the background, so to speak. This move allows the reader to better grasp the idea and meaning of the story, and in the best case scenario, capture their interest right at the start. I believe you did this relatively well, especially since you don’t have much experience in that regard yet.

The entire story was mostly a jocular experience, but this is the part where the issues that have to do with certain characterizations come to light. Topps really seemed like an entirely new character, with subtle hints to his true portrayal. I must also express my disappointment in how the plot didn’t feel quite natural, but instead forced in some sections, and that isn’t generally a good approach, in my opinion.

However, like I already said, for your first story, it was rather decent and the premise was quite amusing in the end, which even managed to make me chuckle slightly in amusement. For that accomplishment, you definitely deserve a commendation. Even though the first story isn’t likely to be a huge accomplishment, I see potential for you to improve your skills as a writer in the future. I hope to see more from you in the future and especially hope you to show valid improvement if you choose to continue writing. :goodluck

rhombus

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Re: Who Mentioned Eggs to Mr. Threehorn?
« Reply #4 on: February 18, 2020, 08:53:54 PM »
First of all, let me begin by stating that this is a good first attempt at writing a narrative.  Ultimately writing, just like any other skill, develops over time as we attempt to portray new characters and challenging situations.  I am pleased to say that many of the pitfalls that often befall first-time writers, such as major grammatical and spelling issues, are mostly absent here.  That being said there are a few issues that you might want to work on in future works.

The main issue that I had with this story was, as Anagnos brought up, some confusion over the perspective which was being used.  As such it was not clear if Tricia was the one viewing all of this or Charger at times.  This made assessing the overall situation and the pacing of the story a bit awkward and difficult to follow.  Sticking with one character per scene, or having a clear "passing of the torch" for points of view, would be a good strategy going forward to avoid this kind of POV confusion.  Likewise I have to second what Sovereign mentioned about some off word choices and Anagnos has mentioned about Topps not living up to his full potential.  These issues, however, can get better with more practice as you develop your own style as an author, so please do not feel discouraged.  These are just some areas where you may want to work going forward.

Other than that I think that you have made some good decisions concerning pacing and plot development.  As the nature of this story is more joking in tone the decision to not have a lot of build-up but instead to go straight into an action sequence was a good choice.  Additionally, pov issues aside, the flow of the story seemed decently planned, in my opinion.  This was certainly a promising start for LBT fanfic writing, and I look forward to what you come up with next. :)


Go ahead and check out my fanfictions, The Seven Hunters, Songs of the Hunters, and Menders Tale.